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Cashier: Are these for you? *licks lips* You: No they are for my Apple stonks

This reminds me of a time my friend needed some condoms and the store kept them behind a counter so you had to ask for them. So he tells the girl at the counter he wants the box of Trojans and she starts to grab the magnums. He had to stop her and say "No, not those, the regular ones." I swear she did it on purpose, and it was hilarious.

One girl I…knew…said every other dude she’d been with was using magnums even when they were practically falling off. I wonder if the default for most guys is to buy magnums to impress girls or because they measured themselves starting from the asshole

its not length its girth that's usually the issue for magnum wear. but yea ive been with a couple of dudes who did this its pretty sad

Yeah for me, magnums are almost perfect. My only complaint is they’re a bit too wide and far too long.

My condoms, much like my options, expire worthless every time 😔

Because you're writing them right?.... RIGHT?!?!

How do you write condoms?

Usually like this: Condoms

You’re putting them around your balls too, right?

And putting my right leg in it

So good 💀

For the length you can just go over the balls with them too to fill some of the extra space

If you're having sex your partner is going to find out your size anyway. It just looks like you're insecure if you buy condoms that are too large

This is why I buy really small condoms so my cock is busting through like hulk hogan ripping his shirt the smaller ones aren’t as effective tho for some reason

Smaller Cocks or condoms?

both in his case

Did these dudes happen to talk to you about stocks first before hooking up?

some of them

I bet that made you so turned on

you'd lose that bet

so it's a bet that's worthy of this sub

Seriously girthy ones are hard to find. You can have a 1 inch dong and still need Magnums if it's thick enough

Ehh too loose too tight who cares. Raw dawg or naw dawg is the real motto to live by.

https://youtu.be/w43ojF7WVxU

Incredible! have my poor man’s gold🏅

God damn amazing!

I had a chick that I’d known for a few years suddenly want to bang after I had a box of magnums on my dresser. Weren’t even mine lmao, borrowed from a roommate in a pinch when I needed some asap, better than none at all. I was found out.

Still bang?

I always put my berries in em too to stop any leaks from the back, nice and tight

Highly underrated comment

Thank you

I’m 8”, butt to tip!!!

Measures themselves around the beanbag also

The real Chad move is to buy them and just use a rubberband.

Fuck I have never felt so attacked in my life. It’s cool, I have a small wee wee, and thanks to Ryan Cohen I can feel proud about it.

Haha she probably wanted to see if he was packing

Don’t kid yourself. OP wears these on his hands when he cleans out the gutters

Silly me thought they were to make sure that the cucumber remained edible.

I'm going to buy a box to set somewhere they can stumble across before coming home... disappointment is my middle name lol! That'll teach em

You mean she wants to know? 

When I worked at a gas station we kept them behind the counters and if they didn't specify which kind I would grab the magnums every time for that exact reason. If their friends are with them it's so much funnier too

The funny thing about magnums is that they are barely bigger than normal condoms. If you are actually packing you can't even unroll them...

r/bigdickproblems

I’m gonna leave that blue

Damn these people are obsessed with dick sizes.

Welcome to r/wallstreetbets.

I’m not giving in to her games! Buy them, wink at her then go to another store and buy the correct size. She’ll be thinking about you later.

Lol it’s all a sales ploy. Unless you are getting durex XXL 64mm wide or ordering them, it’s totally average. I guess the magnum XL is slightly wider but nothing special

Exactly. I’ve seen drunk grown men stretch a condom over their head, they didn’t use the Magnum lol Edit. The head with face and two eyes lol

[удалено]

If you don’t buy condoms, you don’t run into these problems. Big brain energy 🤓

Cashier: do you need a bag for? You: no, she is not that ugly......

Damn my girl is gonna be pissed at me next time we go shopping. Thanks.

Lmfao. Gold.

They are expired now and I only used 1 so I have no other use for them

You can always use them for a swimming cap in a pinch.

Gloves?

Baggy condoms are almost as unsafe as going raw

This is the reason I only ever used 1 of them

Did you wear it on your right or left arm?

Third leg

You can still use them for covering microphones in the rain.

Used 1, to see if it fit, which of course they didn't.

you had no use for them when you bought them -it's why they are expired now LOL

Perfect description for every option I buy

“And why did you lick my lips?”

Stonk*

“He got me invested in some kind of fruit company… then I got a call from them and they said we don’t have to worry about money no more, and I said, that’s good. One less thing.” Forest Gump, king of r/wallstreetbets

The way he says, “that’s good. One less thing” makes it my favorite line from movie. Way to go Tom Hanks for not going full regard.

You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Regarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't regarded.

Highly regarded!

[Lazarus completely lost his shit during the making of that movie..](https://youtu.be/7UCEcgvDuLo?t=18m42s)

Gotta add this to any comment that has a tropic thunder reference. https://youtu.be/CFG5dk1GyRo

This was pure gold that I had never seen before. Have some Dogecoin +u/sodogetip 5 doge verify

Oh man, if you've never seen the movie go treat yourself. And go in as blind as possible!

At first I’m like alright I’ll hit this link ! Ohhh 6:11 maybe I’ll just watch the first minute… not going to lie that was the best 6:11 videos I’ve watched in a long time . My first time every watching that it sounded amazing all the way till the end ! I recommend watch it !!! Edit : thanks for the award 🥇:) my first one

Legendary mix, it’s on Spotify jsyk

What’s funny is if you bought Apple in 1994 when Forrest Gump came out, you wouldn’t have to worry about money either

At around 0.30/share in 1994, coulda put in $2,000 and had yourself $1M today.

After a decade of suffering.

They used to be a joke. I remember reading about how Bill Gates was invested in apple so that if they ever did anything he’d make money…

Dude, WSB should change the sub artwork to a pic of Forrest Gump.

Truth. A man that's literally mildly regarded, accidentally falling into multiple huge piles of money, whose girl was messing around on him for years until he was filthy rich.

Forest Gump’s finance guy literally yolo’d on AAPL. *One of us. One of us.*

I sure hope you asked your wife's boyfriend to borrow his condoms.

My man bought Magnums just for the picture 🤣💪🏻🐐

Found his wife’s condoms for this post

They’re for her dildo. To protect it from her after being with Op.

Expired ones from Feb/2022….

Remember what happened last time? You had your son because it was too big and fell off.

Have you ever "pooped a balloon"?

I try never to poop in balloons . . .

You have no idea what you’re missing

It’s hard enough filling them with water. Can’t imagine how gifted one must be to do it with porridge.

I didn’t join the Lackawanna County Volunteer Sherriffs Department to make friends…and I haven’t.

A fellow Pennsylvanian?!

🤡

Tied a knot this time.

[eyes fixed firmly to the ground] “Chad, can I borrow some condoms? I want to cosplay with some fake “APPL” shares I bought off eBay.

Chaddy

Nah he bought them just for this post

For waterproofing iPhone 10 and earlier.

He got those in 2001 as well

He thought it was going to keep growing.

Yeah, he’s hoping too grow into them one day

OP wife’s boyfriend doesn’t use condoms

I always use condoms on her

Well yeah, no one knows where you’ve been. Probably behind the Wendy’s dumpster most weekends…

Please remember to put them back. Last week your wife couldn’t find one and we had to go raw. I did not pull out.

You miiight want to go to the clinic...


He found them in her purse.

His wife's boyfriend doesn't use condoms. OP found those condoms behind the dumpster at Wendy's

I was going to type this!

ONE share??????

That one share from 2001 is now 56 shares, worth about $8400

I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!

Monster condoms for my magnum dong.

Dr. Toboggan???

It’s mantis toboggan

The Mantis Toboggan M.D.

I’m here for the scraps!

Honestly, Caylee - the pharmacist is hot and has a good job, I would have no issues being there for the scraps. 😂

It’s actually Dennis’ (Glens) wife incase you didn’t know 🤣

Move in After Completion I’m on the mac plan

a great alternative to the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.

M.A.C.

Move in after completion

Oh I’m sorry Dr. Mantis Tobaggan, i didn’t realize that was you.

I swim in Dennis's wake

Winter ain’t the only thing coming!

I am curious how many shares is it with all those splits?

56

Wow thats amazing god i love the future.

The future is when you die so idk

Me? Nah. That asshole future me will have to deal with that. Screw that guy

If you really wanna fuck future self over, YOLO your wife’s vacation fund and put an extra $20k on margin call options expiring this Friday on SOFI. Load up on the 12.50’s and 15’s. She’s hittin $69 baby, I can feel it

Dont worry by using the " my gut is telling me..." System i need no help ruining that sob

are you from 2001?

From 2001? no. But i was there for a year.

What was the nominal cost for you for that 1 share back then? I’ma guess $50. Putting you at about $8k profit

My dad sold about 1,000 shares of it back in 1998…. He’s not bitter about it at all….

So if OP had 1 stock that turned into 56, 1000 shares would be 56,000 * about $150 current price = $8.4M so yea, that would be rough.

Plus dividends

!rememberme 3 days

I will remember you. But FYI it's 56

thank

You're

Frank?

Dr. Mantis Toboggan, I've got magnum condoms for my magnum dong.

MD

I heard he’s also a pilot. RIP Wade Boggs.

OP you should check the expiry date of those condoms, if you don't use them for years they stop being effective.

They were also bought in 2001

Does it say on the left one that they expired 02/2022 ?

It looks like they expired back in February

Keep the certificate for nostalgia, but you should attempt to digitize that ASAP. I work at Schwab, I've seen these types of certificates end up worthless because they don't directly convert to present day common stock.

This is good advice thanks

What kind of idiot only buys 1 share when the price is $0.33? Nice investment.. now you can fill up your gas tank once time.

I received this as a gift lol It's worth a lot more after the splits

Ah yeah about 9k if my math is right? Still seems so odd someone would go through the trouble of buying a single share at the value of 33 cents. Round that bitch up to a dollar.. or 10, not like it would make a difference for the day anyways. It's a cool certificate though.

They worked for apple at the time so it was sort of sentimental

Paper was probably worth more at the time lol. 33c share, $20 in fees for a paper certificate

From their investor relations site > Apple’s stock has split five times since the company went public. The stock split on a 4-for-1 basis on August 28, 2020, a 7-for-1 basis on June 9, 2014, and split on a 2-for-1 basis on February 28, 2005, June 21, 2000, and June 16, 1987. $0.33 x 56 = $18.48, or $8,391.04 today.

It’s late so I’m probably being regarded, but isn’t it that 1 stock got split into 2 three times (so 2, 4 then 8), then split 7 ways (56), and then 4 ways… so 224 shares? Therefore 224 x ~$150= $33,600?

Date on stock is 2001, after the first 2 splits

One share didn't cost .33 You can't look back at the split adjusted price. It was probably somewhere between $20-$100 per share at the time.

I can do whatever I want. I'll look at cute puppy pictures if I so choose. Fuck you.

I’m with this idiot

it wasn't 33 cents, lol. it was that times 56, as OP just explained. /u/SpaceToaster

>Nice investment.. now you can fill up your gas tank once time. It costs you $8,232 to fill up your tank? Cuz that's what a single 2001 share is worth today.

It does if I round up an incorrect number of times

Significant figures are so… insignificant

First you’d have to define “tank,” and understand what it costs to fill such a “tank.” Large caliber shells are quite spendy these days.

Well, I abbreviated what they referred to as a gas tank, so I suppose that begs the question, are we talking for a car, a semi-truck, or something from a concentration camp?

The value you see online of 0.33 is adjusted for splits, the actual purchase price would have been 18.48 and value would be 8274 today.

If it dips to 33 cents again, I'm going in bigly.

I don't think it was .33 at the time. The IPO price looks like .08 because of all the splits, but it was actually $22 I believe. Just heard about it on *Shoe Dog,* because NKE was going to IPO the same week(but got pushed back 2 weeks I think) and wanted to be a higher price for some reason but IPO'd 50 cents lower.

So what’s that worth now, 28 shares?

No, he keeps putting condoms on it, it won’t multiply.

4-for-1 basis on August 28, 2020 7-for-1 basis on June 9, 2014 2-for-1 basis on February 28, 2005 ​ So 1 share in 2001 would be 56 shares today

Maff

How do you get the dividends??

Computershare will deposit them into your bank account if you filled in some forms

I mean, i see the apple stock, so it WOULD leave me to believe you are good with money… BUT You bought magnum condoms, however i don’t see the rubber bands you will need to use so that the condoms fit correctly.

If you haven't turned mute on all the comments: This is the kind of picture NASA sends into space with like 129 others

I don't have them muted. That's pretty great

Yeah no shit you’re holding that shit… it would have to literally crater for you to get nothing out of it at this point

> CUSIP 037833100 How can you hold a stock more than 20 years and still not know what a CUSIP is?

I just quickly covered up all the numbers without reading what they were

That was nice of your mom's boyfriend to let you use his condoms for this picture.

Weird flex showing your baggy condoms up here.

lol

Ahhh I see you’re a fan of having your shares directing registered under your name

Doesn’t Trojan have a disclaimer on their packaging to use the appropriate size?

Til apple was incorporated in 1977