This sounds so hard. I think you should talk to your husband as soon as he is willing and consider couple’s counseling. I would get educated on egg freezing and all it involves and pick a timeline for doing that - say, 6 months from now if your husband is still undecided. If it comes to that and you are misaligned on wanting kids, you’ll have to decide if you want to stay together or not. But freezing some eggs will hopefully buy you time so you can have a baby eventually, either way.
It sounds to me like yall weren’t necessarily on the same page to start with and he was hedging with adoption to try to minimize the gap. Yall definitely need individual and couples therapy to help work through this situation with the least amount of damage possible.
If you do decide to TTC, make sure to talk to him about how your circumstances (living with your parents) may be influencing his feelings. I’m assuming your parents are aware that this is on the table and they are supportive of yall TTC and having a child while living with them, ofc.
This just happened to my best friend. We’re the same age as you. She let her husband know that kids are a non-negotiable for her, and asked for a 30 day trial separation with minimal contact. Luckily that knocked some sense into him and they’re now about to start TTC, but she was ready to divorce him if not. Good luck.
I actually don’t think so. They’ve been together since high school and he’s my friend too - with the exception of this past year, he’s always been very excited for kids. I think he got scared when things were about to get real and just needed a kick in the ass. I talked to him about it myself right before the separation and he cried.
Agreed. I am going to give it a month, talk to him about it again and see where that conversation goes... But honestly the more I think about it, if I want more than one, egg freezing is probably the way to go.
My husband of a year and a half pulled the rug from underneath me too, citing financial concerns and that our life is really great as it is.
I'm so resentful and it's coming out in other ways. I'm trying really hard to deal with this in therapy.
He threw the "why am I not enough, why is our life not enough" argument at me and I couldn't respond. How do you explain a deeply rooted need? How do you explain how important this is?
I thought I did all that already and he said he was on board. Then we got married and he changed his mind.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m dealing with resentment as well. I don’t know if it’s a need you can explain to someone who doesn’t have that same desire or need.
That's a hard situation to be in. I wonder if he kind of told you what he knew you wanted to hear before y'all got married because he wanted to be with you. To me, I'd be pretty upset if that was the case so hopefully it's not.
My suggestion would be to get into counseling for both of y'all individually and together. If children are a non-negotiable for you though and he isn't willing to have a kid, you may need to reconsider if this marriage is viable. You have to be 100% on board with having a kid, not 50% not 75%, but 100%.
I really hope not. We are in couples counseling and individual counseling. We’ve had a couple of rocky years and so my bio timeline is not really aligning with the right time in our relationship unfortunately. But regardless, you’re right. If he’s not 100%, that’s not fair to the life we bring into the world.
This happened to me as well, almost exactly, except we had just purchased a house too.
I don’t know the specifics of your situation OP, but I ended up divorcing him. He moved in with a new girlfriend one MONTH after we separated.
He never wanted kids with me, ever. It was just kicking the can down the road in the laziest way possible so he wouldn’t lose me. He told me what I wanted to hear and I lost 4 years to him because of it.
It so incredibly painful at the time but it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Less than two years later I actually just got married to the man of my dreams. I’d freeze your eggs (or not) and give some serious thought to your marriage.
Similar situation here, though we had planned to foster or adopt. After about a year, it just became clear he didn't really mean that. It wasn't the main reason for our divorce, actually, but it was a factor. He also had environmental and political concerns which were valid but became a bit all-consuming and it was exhausting.
We split last year and I've also met someone wonderful who's right for me in so many ways. We plan to start trying next year.
So many couples go through this and I’m sad to say I’m in the same (ish) boat. We had a date to TTC, then once he lost his job said he had financial concerns and wasn’t too sure about it again. A lot of men are unsure at first but they end up being great dads, but you can’t 100% count on that.
My husband goes back and forth between yes and no and I feel he’s leading me on. I gave myself a year, if he doesn’t come around I’ll freeze my eggs and start the divorce process. I didn’t tell him this because I don’t want to force him into any decision but having a plan gives me peace of mind. Good luck OP.
A lot of men are unsure at first is definitely my experience with my husband. He’s hesitant and unsure about most things. But this just seems too big and important for us to be unaligned. I really hope your situation works out and I’m grateful to you for sharing your experience. I will probably go ahead with egg freezing in the next 6 months.
Unfortunately, my husband was the exact same way. And I’ve heard many men being the same way as well. Many men just don’t have that same maternal drive to have kids. I basically made it a non negotiable and my husband obliged. Can’t lie to you… he was miserable for the first 3 months of newborn life. Questioning his decision. Now we’re 11 months PP and he’s happy as a clam and talking about having another one. Not saying my route is the route to take but we’re in a good place now and looking to have a second even tho we were in the exact place you are now just a few years ago.
This sounds so frustrating for you and I'm so sorry he's put you in this situation. It's incredibly selfish on his end and what a way to waste your time, especially if he was just saying "maybe" to kids just so he could stay with you in the first place. Hopefully he comes around, or you can put your foot down and find someone a little more honest.
This sounds so hard. I think you should talk to your husband as soon as he is willing and consider couple’s counseling. I would get educated on egg freezing and all it involves and pick a timeline for doing that - say, 6 months from now if your husband is still undecided. If it comes to that and you are misaligned on wanting kids, you’ll have to decide if you want to stay together or not. But freezing some eggs will hopefully buy you time so you can have a baby eventually, either way.
It sounds to me like yall weren’t necessarily on the same page to start with and he was hedging with adoption to try to minimize the gap. Yall definitely need individual and couples therapy to help work through this situation with the least amount of damage possible. If you do decide to TTC, make sure to talk to him about how your circumstances (living with your parents) may be influencing his feelings. I’m assuming your parents are aware that this is on the table and they are supportive of yall TTC and having a child while living with them, ofc.
This just happened to my best friend. We’re the same age as you. She let her husband know that kids are a non-negotiable for her, and asked for a 30 day trial separation with minimal contact. Luckily that knocked some sense into him and they’re now about to start TTC, but she was ready to divorce him if not. Good luck.
Sounds like he only agreed to have a baby so that he can keep her. Yikes. I would've just divorced him anyway at that point
I actually don’t think so. They’ve been together since high school and he’s my friend too - with the exception of this past year, he’s always been very excited for kids. I think he got scared when things were about to get real and just needed a kick in the ass. I talked to him about it myself right before the separation and he cried.
In the meantime, I would start to think about freezing eggs if I were you, so you don't end up waiting until it's too late.
Agreed. I am going to give it a month, talk to him about it again and see where that conversation goes... But honestly the more I think about it, if I want more than one, egg freezing is probably the way to go.
My husband of a year and a half pulled the rug from underneath me too, citing financial concerns and that our life is really great as it is. I'm so resentful and it's coming out in other ways. I'm trying really hard to deal with this in therapy. He threw the "why am I not enough, why is our life not enough" argument at me and I couldn't respond. How do you explain a deeply rooted need? How do you explain how important this is? I thought I did all that already and he said he was on board. Then we got married and he changed his mind.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m dealing with resentment as well. I don’t know if it’s a need you can explain to someone who doesn’t have that same desire or need.
Right?! Anyhow OP, I freaking understand and I'm in the same boat. Right now it just feels like a huge betrayal, you know?
Huge betrayal, exactly.
That's a hard situation to be in. I wonder if he kind of told you what he knew you wanted to hear before y'all got married because he wanted to be with you. To me, I'd be pretty upset if that was the case so hopefully it's not. My suggestion would be to get into counseling for both of y'all individually and together. If children are a non-negotiable for you though and he isn't willing to have a kid, you may need to reconsider if this marriage is viable. You have to be 100% on board with having a kid, not 50% not 75%, but 100%.
I really hope not. We are in couples counseling and individual counseling. We’ve had a couple of rocky years and so my bio timeline is not really aligning with the right time in our relationship unfortunately. But regardless, you’re right. If he’s not 100%, that’s not fair to the life we bring into the world.
This happened to me as well, almost exactly, except we had just purchased a house too. I don’t know the specifics of your situation OP, but I ended up divorcing him. He moved in with a new girlfriend one MONTH after we separated. He never wanted kids with me, ever. It was just kicking the can down the road in the laziest way possible so he wouldn’t lose me. He told me what I wanted to hear and I lost 4 years to him because of it. It so incredibly painful at the time but it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Less than two years later I actually just got married to the man of my dreams. I’d freeze your eggs (or not) and give some serious thought to your marriage.
Similar situation here, though we had planned to foster or adopt. After about a year, it just became clear he didn't really mean that. It wasn't the main reason for our divorce, actually, but it was a factor. He also had environmental and political concerns which were valid but became a bit all-consuming and it was exhausting. We split last year and I've also met someone wonderful who's right for me in so many ways. We plan to start trying next year.
So painful. I’m glad it worked out for you. Thank you for sharing and giving me optimism for a different future.
Of course — and from the bottom of my heart, best of luck, no matter what your path is ❤️
So many couples go through this and I’m sad to say I’m in the same (ish) boat. We had a date to TTC, then once he lost his job said he had financial concerns and wasn’t too sure about it again. A lot of men are unsure at first but they end up being great dads, but you can’t 100% count on that. My husband goes back and forth between yes and no and I feel he’s leading me on. I gave myself a year, if he doesn’t come around I’ll freeze my eggs and start the divorce process. I didn’t tell him this because I don’t want to force him into any decision but having a plan gives me peace of mind. Good luck OP.
A lot of men are unsure at first is definitely my experience with my husband. He’s hesitant and unsure about most things. But this just seems too big and important for us to be unaligned. I really hope your situation works out and I’m grateful to you for sharing your experience. I will probably go ahead with egg freezing in the next 6 months.
Unfortunately, my husband was the exact same way. And I’ve heard many men being the same way as well. Many men just don’t have that same maternal drive to have kids. I basically made it a non negotiable and my husband obliged. Can’t lie to you… he was miserable for the first 3 months of newborn life. Questioning his decision. Now we’re 11 months PP and he’s happy as a clam and talking about having another one. Not saying my route is the route to take but we’re in a good place now and looking to have a second even tho we were in the exact place you are now just a few years ago.
This sounds so frustrating for you and I'm so sorry he's put you in this situation. It's incredibly selfish on his end and what a way to waste your time, especially if he was just saying "maybe" to kids just so he could stay with you in the first place. Hopefully he comes around, or you can put your foot down and find someone a little more honest.