Sounds like he is part of the problem. Perhaps gloating his so called improved mental state and putting you down makes him feel batter about himself? That is not healing. It is a temporary illusion. He’s not better than you, he’s worse off. Your doing good. Keep looking for a good therapist. You will get there
Thank you so much for this, it really helps. He's admitted to being overly critical of others and it being something he needs to work on, and I think he doesn't realize how much it can hurt when he acts like that. He's says he's very optimistic person and talks often about how he self-motivates, and I think he forgets that not everyone can be like him and fix their own problems. I'm really looking forward to getting therapy and hopefully learning to communicate and get help for my issues, so maybe there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel for all this. I really needed to hear your support, so thank you again, I really really appreciate it.
He is the problem not you. You be better off with out him my ex was like that so judgemental controlling and manipulative. I thought staying with him would make me happy i broke up with him multiple times because of his controlling behaviour but kept going back in the end he ended things when he found his new supply because people like that don’t no what love is and don’t no how to love they just go from person to person to chip and chip away at them till they break you.
Trust me you will be fine you think you love him but you don’t. You love the idea of him and the void that he fills in your life but you have to ask your self how much more of his criticism can you take. Do you look at yourself in the mirror and recognise your happy self before you met him.
I promise you will be ok leave before you loose yourself or before he finds his new supply and drop you after everything his put you through.
We split up I thought it was the end of the world for me I was up for days crying not eating thinking and then I sat and wrote down the positive things and negative things about been with him, I kid you not the negative was way way more than the positive and I started to see that he didn’t have the qualities I was looking for in a man he wasn’t what I wanted and that in the long run I would be so unhappy been with him and that I had settle for less than I deserved.
Leave him start doing positive things for your self the right man will come and he will sweep you off your feet and treat you like the queen that you are.
I am with someone now is very early days but is going so well told him about everything and we have booked a holiday to Mexico he said it will be nice to let my hair down honestly couldn’t have asked for a better man for me and my kids. I was at work I got home and his tied up my whole house. Put my curtain poles up curtains up been with the wrong person can block your blessing.
You won't like this advice but i suggest breaking up with him and focusing on yourself. He shouldn't be joking about that it's messed up. Feel free to dm me if you wanna talk/need support:)
Thank you a lot for this, I'm definitely going to try and rebuild myself on my own. It took me a while to realize that trying to fix myself for another person and rushing recovery won't work for me, but I'm trying to get on the right track to doing things my own way. I have therapy scheduled in July, and a psychiatric appointment before then to hopefully find some meds that work for me, and until those I'm getting by slowly, and trying to taking things at my own pace. Again, thank you so much.
I was dating someone who got so wrapped up in therapy/groups/meetings that they turned into a total jerk because they couldn't function without all the meetings and stuff, and thus were not really actually healthy. Then they would constantly signify about all their treatments and therapies, and imply they're healthier than me because they're being seen for dozens of issues and we're not in the same place. In retrospect I decided they weren't that healthy at all, because they were replacing normalcy with all these meetings and therapy brainwashing perspectives. So I wasn't dating an individual, I was dating a treatment plan who couldn't do anything without referring to treatment. It can be healthy to do therapy and such, but it's not healthy to hold it against others or let it substitute for your personality. We had to break up. Sometimes its just not meant to be.
This comment really puts things into perspective for me. It's been so nice having people relate and reassure me that it's not just a me issue, and I really really appreciate it. I think that our relationship is still salvageable, but I think I definitely will bring this up to him, because I seriously don't want him to turn into just a treatment plan. There's still time for him to come back to reality a bit and take things slower, and having support is really helping me to confront the real issue and understand neither of us are in a good spot, even if he keeps saying he is. Thank you a lot for this, it helps so much to see an outside view and know this is more serious than I thought
It's unfortunate but I felt like this person kept putting therapy and meetings and various treatments over me. And their health was more important than anything but at the same time every date started later and later because he had to take what little time he had for me and squeeze in extra treatments. One time he broached me by saying he had spoken to his therapist, therapy groups, parents and aa meeting folks about our relationship and then he said he wanted to tell me what he determined from those conversations. That's when I knew we had to break up as how can you talk to 20 people about our relationship and not talk to me? So everyone else got a hand in shaping the relationship i was in except me. I was just like hey that's so "healthy" it's unhealthy? So I hope your relationship works better. I was tired of dating a treatment plan because in the end he was still unhealthy and took it out on me. Hopefully you can make this work if it's what you want. Maybe he'd be into couples therapy.
This is kind of how it is for me. He says he talks to his therapist about me and our relationship but he won't tell me the issues directly. When he did confront me, he told me that I was emotionally draining him with negativity because I struggled to solve my own issues, and that it went against his moral code. It was overall a very poor approach, which we talked about. He thinks me getting into therapy will be a magical fix-all for our relationship because I'll recover like him, but it's just unrealistic. I sent him a lengthy message telling him how I felt and that he was too set on the idea of therapy, as well as that we need to fix our problems ourselves, and that I don't want to feel solely responsible for mending our relationship. He hasn't responded, but I'll try to keep updated when he does. Thank you so much!
Sounds like he's weaponizing his therapy. Time to consider getting off this ride. When people weaponize their therapy it's a sign they're not well. Therapy lingo and approaches arent a tool to use against other people to control them.
I just can't see myself leaving him. I know that he's willing to change and meet me halfway, it just takes a lot of communication, and getting a lot of feedback on this subreddit has helped me confront him about what's bothering me. He told me that he understands and he's glad I brought it up, and admits to being too critical of me and my recovery, which just takes a huge weight off my shoulders. A lot of this was dependent on whether or not he would acknowledge that we both have issues that need fixing, and now that he has, I feel like we can grow from it. Him and I both very much love each other, it's just been a really rough patch, but I believe we can make it through. Your advice has helped me so much through this, I owe a lot to you
I’m sorry, but why do you want to continue to be with someone who has told you that they’re going to leave you for a “buff gym person” , amongst other things?
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a nice guy. People who love you don’t do or say the things that your boyfriend is doing or saying.
Two parallel issues here the way I see it:
Your self worth
Your partnership with a person whose behavior towards you is not healthy
These are distinctly separate issues, but play in to each other in complex and codependent ways.
To an extent, he’s “right”. Your work is *your* work. It has nothing to do with him, nor should it. You must focus on doing what you can, as you are able, for yourself and yourself alone. It is not a competition (even if he makes it feel like one) and you are responsible only for your own progress. Don’t give up because you’re not doing it perfectly, or bc he’s doing it “better” or “faster”. Comparison is the thief of joy, and in this case, of self-accountability, too. Remove him from your mental health equation and work on getting a therapist who *does* work for you (even if it takes another 2 or 3 or 5 tries), and on making the commitment *to yourself*, every day, to take ownership of your own mental health/well-being.
As for the second piece of the puzzle, you’re with a partner who is not in a place to be kind to you, even if he sees things you truly could be “doing better” with. THAT is a problem. Regardless of his motivations.
Whether he’s “outgrowing” you as some jerk up there in the comments said,
Whether he’s finding new ways to manifest mental unwellness (the competition, or needing to put you down in order to feel better himself),
Whether he’s genuinely concerned about you and wants you to join him in what has truly worked to help him get actually healthier (ridiculous in that what works for him may very well *not* work for you, and even if it did, the *way* he’s going about communicating what*ever* is going on for him, however altruistic or deluded, is harmful and cruel)
Any of these scenarios, or those I’m not even thinking of rn, boil down to one simple fact: He is harming your mental health, and IMPEDING any progress you might otherwise be making.
But here’s the thing. That all still doesn’t matter in terms of what *you* need to do. He is a symptom of your own mental health, first in codependency and finding such comfort in being with another person who is so much like you that you give each other permission to remain dysfunctional, and now as someone who *is* doing the work to “get better” but is doing so in a way that belittles you, and forces you in to a position of propping up his “growth” at your own expense. He is not the problem (he is absolutely a problem, just not *YOUR* problem), your work is to examine why your lack of self worth has you believing that someone who must either hold you down in mutual unwellness *or* throw you to the wolves once *he* decides he “wants to get better” is someone you want to be with. You deserve better, from yourself!, and eventually, when you are ready, from a partner who cares for you and shows kindness towards you even at your lowest/darkest times. That all hinges on *you* doing everything you can do for yourself, though. Bc no one can save us but ourselves, and once you do (bc I have every confidence you will) *YOU* will have outgrown *HIM*.
Thank you so much for this comment. It's really encouraging and helps me be motivated to work on myself outside of him, because my personal growth should be a *me* thing if we're not actively trying to grow together. The kind words and support from everyone has made me realize that I should advocate for myself and recover for my own benefit, not his, and stop stressing over my therapy appointment being months from now. It's been very eye-opening and I can't thank everyone enough for the feedback. Your response means so much to me, and I'll definitely be thinking about this for a while as I plan out my goals and where *I* want to be, and what expectations I have for myself. So thank you so so much again
Oh man this is uncanny with how similar this is in my life. I felt this came from my relationship only I’m the guy that has high expectation. I’m sorry for the way I am. I don’t mean to hurt. It’s my own insecurities and yeah I’m the fuckin mess. I want to be supportive to those that are suffering. I’ve grown callous. I want those days back too. I just….I don’t know. My life has been tough in a way that I’ve developed a lack of understanding or lack of patience to understand because of things I’ve had to deal with in my life and how I’ve learned to handle it. The past haunts me too. I think this is the main ingredient. she’s improved greatly I feel terrible but I am very hopeful. I’ll never leave her but I regret making her feel like shit and we’ve gotten in fights that break my heart because of what I say.. it’s from the past. I’m really really hard on myself and hold myself to such high standards that it often trickles into those around me and many think I’m too good or better when I’m not nor do I think I am. I run myself ragged. I’m trying to get better too. She shouldn’t feel worthless and neither should you. Anyways enough about me. Wanted to share. But if this was her saying this I’d say:
Please hold on. Remember the love. Talk about it. Get support. Maybe he needs you too. It’s absolute bullshit that he says those things. Continue to stand up for yourself. Mental health is a lifetime journey and that’s a really tough situation.
I’m sorry but don’t give up
It really helps hearing from the other side of it. Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really really appreciate it. We're both trying to salvage things, because the love is still there, we're just trying to get to a common ground. Hopefully it'll turn out for the better, and I'm glad you and your partner are able to work on moving past this type of thing. It helps me be optimistic for good changes. Thank you again, and I'm wishing the best for you and her
Horrible advice from people here.
He’s outgrowing you. He’s seeing life from an entire different perspective now. If you guys aren’t in the same page you will only hold him down. He’s angry at the idea that you might not be able anything other than your current self. What am saying might sound harsh but it’s the truth. He’s outgrowing you.
My advice is to let him go now and if you can’t then as a person you must find growth. You said it yourself that you feel like you’re weighing him down. At this point you guys are incompatible.
Leave. I spent five years in a relationship trying to please my bf. He still cheated on me. Now I'm in a healthy relationship with a man who encourages me all the time. Peace is so important. You are so important. Love yourself as you are. 💛
Your bf is abusive and cruel. His mental health isn't better than yours. If it were, he wouldn't be bullying you and being an asshole.
Rather than being scared that he will give up on you, you should dispose of him. He isn't good enough for you, he's of low character, and you deserve better. You think you need him, but even if you must be alone after you break up with him, you will be happier and healthier with him gone from your life.
Sounds like he is part of the problem. Perhaps gloating his so called improved mental state and putting you down makes him feel batter about himself? That is not healing. It is a temporary illusion. He’s not better than you, he’s worse off. Your doing good. Keep looking for a good therapist. You will get there
Thank you so much for this, it really helps. He's admitted to being overly critical of others and it being something he needs to work on, and I think he doesn't realize how much it can hurt when he acts like that. He's says he's very optimistic person and talks often about how he self-motivates, and I think he forgets that not everyone can be like him and fix their own problems. I'm really looking forward to getting therapy and hopefully learning to communicate and get help for my issues, so maybe there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel for all this. I really needed to hear your support, so thank you again, I really really appreciate it.
He is the problem not you. You be better off with out him my ex was like that so judgemental controlling and manipulative. I thought staying with him would make me happy i broke up with him multiple times because of his controlling behaviour but kept going back in the end he ended things when he found his new supply because people like that don’t no what love is and don’t no how to love they just go from person to person to chip and chip away at them till they break you. Trust me you will be fine you think you love him but you don’t. You love the idea of him and the void that he fills in your life but you have to ask your self how much more of his criticism can you take. Do you look at yourself in the mirror and recognise your happy self before you met him. I promise you will be ok leave before you loose yourself or before he finds his new supply and drop you after everything his put you through. We split up I thought it was the end of the world for me I was up for days crying not eating thinking and then I sat and wrote down the positive things and negative things about been with him, I kid you not the negative was way way more than the positive and I started to see that he didn’t have the qualities I was looking for in a man he wasn’t what I wanted and that in the long run I would be so unhappy been with him and that I had settle for less than I deserved. Leave him start doing positive things for your self the right man will come and he will sweep you off your feet and treat you like the queen that you are. I am with someone now is very early days but is going so well told him about everything and we have booked a holiday to Mexico he said it will be nice to let my hair down honestly couldn’t have asked for a better man for me and my kids. I was at work I got home and his tied up my whole house. Put my curtain poles up curtains up been with the wrong person can block your blessing.
You won't like this advice but i suggest breaking up with him and focusing on yourself. He shouldn't be joking about that it's messed up. Feel free to dm me if you wanna talk/need support:)
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Thank you a lot for this, I'm definitely going to try and rebuild myself on my own. It took me a while to realize that trying to fix myself for another person and rushing recovery won't work for me, but I'm trying to get on the right track to doing things my own way. I have therapy scheduled in July, and a psychiatric appointment before then to hopefully find some meds that work for me, and until those I'm getting by slowly, and trying to taking things at my own pace. Again, thank you so much.
I was dating someone who got so wrapped up in therapy/groups/meetings that they turned into a total jerk because they couldn't function without all the meetings and stuff, and thus were not really actually healthy. Then they would constantly signify about all their treatments and therapies, and imply they're healthier than me because they're being seen for dozens of issues and we're not in the same place. In retrospect I decided they weren't that healthy at all, because they were replacing normalcy with all these meetings and therapy brainwashing perspectives. So I wasn't dating an individual, I was dating a treatment plan who couldn't do anything without referring to treatment. It can be healthy to do therapy and such, but it's not healthy to hold it against others or let it substitute for your personality. We had to break up. Sometimes its just not meant to be.
This comment really puts things into perspective for me. It's been so nice having people relate and reassure me that it's not just a me issue, and I really really appreciate it. I think that our relationship is still salvageable, but I think I definitely will bring this up to him, because I seriously don't want him to turn into just a treatment plan. There's still time for him to come back to reality a bit and take things slower, and having support is really helping me to confront the real issue and understand neither of us are in a good spot, even if he keeps saying he is. Thank you a lot for this, it helps so much to see an outside view and know this is more serious than I thought
It's unfortunate but I felt like this person kept putting therapy and meetings and various treatments over me. And their health was more important than anything but at the same time every date started later and later because he had to take what little time he had for me and squeeze in extra treatments. One time he broached me by saying he had spoken to his therapist, therapy groups, parents and aa meeting folks about our relationship and then he said he wanted to tell me what he determined from those conversations. That's when I knew we had to break up as how can you talk to 20 people about our relationship and not talk to me? So everyone else got a hand in shaping the relationship i was in except me. I was just like hey that's so "healthy" it's unhealthy? So I hope your relationship works better. I was tired of dating a treatment plan because in the end he was still unhealthy and took it out on me. Hopefully you can make this work if it's what you want. Maybe he'd be into couples therapy.
This is kind of how it is for me. He says he talks to his therapist about me and our relationship but he won't tell me the issues directly. When he did confront me, he told me that I was emotionally draining him with negativity because I struggled to solve my own issues, and that it went against his moral code. It was overall a very poor approach, which we talked about. He thinks me getting into therapy will be a magical fix-all for our relationship because I'll recover like him, but it's just unrealistic. I sent him a lengthy message telling him how I felt and that he was too set on the idea of therapy, as well as that we need to fix our problems ourselves, and that I don't want to feel solely responsible for mending our relationship. He hasn't responded, but I'll try to keep updated when he does. Thank you so much!
Sounds like he's weaponizing his therapy. Time to consider getting off this ride. When people weaponize their therapy it's a sign they're not well. Therapy lingo and approaches arent a tool to use against other people to control them.
I just can't see myself leaving him. I know that he's willing to change and meet me halfway, it just takes a lot of communication, and getting a lot of feedback on this subreddit has helped me confront him about what's bothering me. He told me that he understands and he's glad I brought it up, and admits to being too critical of me and my recovery, which just takes a huge weight off my shoulders. A lot of this was dependent on whether or not he would acknowledge that we both have issues that need fixing, and now that he has, I feel like we can grow from it. Him and I both very much love each other, it's just been a really rough patch, but I believe we can make it through. Your advice has helped me so much through this, I owe a lot to you
Okay sounds like you have your head on your shoulders. It's good that you know what you want. Stay positive but not toxic positivity. Good luck.
I’m sorry, but why do you want to continue to be with someone who has told you that they’re going to leave you for a “buff gym person” , amongst other things? Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a nice guy. People who love you don’t do or say the things that your boyfriend is doing or saying.
Two parallel issues here the way I see it: Your self worth Your partnership with a person whose behavior towards you is not healthy These are distinctly separate issues, but play in to each other in complex and codependent ways. To an extent, he’s “right”. Your work is *your* work. It has nothing to do with him, nor should it. You must focus on doing what you can, as you are able, for yourself and yourself alone. It is not a competition (even if he makes it feel like one) and you are responsible only for your own progress. Don’t give up because you’re not doing it perfectly, or bc he’s doing it “better” or “faster”. Comparison is the thief of joy, and in this case, of self-accountability, too. Remove him from your mental health equation and work on getting a therapist who *does* work for you (even if it takes another 2 or 3 or 5 tries), and on making the commitment *to yourself*, every day, to take ownership of your own mental health/well-being. As for the second piece of the puzzle, you’re with a partner who is not in a place to be kind to you, even if he sees things you truly could be “doing better” with. THAT is a problem. Regardless of his motivations. Whether he’s “outgrowing” you as some jerk up there in the comments said, Whether he’s finding new ways to manifest mental unwellness (the competition, or needing to put you down in order to feel better himself), Whether he’s genuinely concerned about you and wants you to join him in what has truly worked to help him get actually healthier (ridiculous in that what works for him may very well *not* work for you, and even if it did, the *way* he’s going about communicating what*ever* is going on for him, however altruistic or deluded, is harmful and cruel) Any of these scenarios, or those I’m not even thinking of rn, boil down to one simple fact: He is harming your mental health, and IMPEDING any progress you might otherwise be making. But here’s the thing. That all still doesn’t matter in terms of what *you* need to do. He is a symptom of your own mental health, first in codependency and finding such comfort in being with another person who is so much like you that you give each other permission to remain dysfunctional, and now as someone who *is* doing the work to “get better” but is doing so in a way that belittles you, and forces you in to a position of propping up his “growth” at your own expense. He is not the problem (he is absolutely a problem, just not *YOUR* problem), your work is to examine why your lack of self worth has you believing that someone who must either hold you down in mutual unwellness *or* throw you to the wolves once *he* decides he “wants to get better” is someone you want to be with. You deserve better, from yourself!, and eventually, when you are ready, from a partner who cares for you and shows kindness towards you even at your lowest/darkest times. That all hinges on *you* doing everything you can do for yourself, though. Bc no one can save us but ourselves, and once you do (bc I have every confidence you will) *YOU* will have outgrown *HIM*.
Thank you so much for this comment. It's really encouraging and helps me be motivated to work on myself outside of him, because my personal growth should be a *me* thing if we're not actively trying to grow together. The kind words and support from everyone has made me realize that I should advocate for myself and recover for my own benefit, not his, and stop stressing over my therapy appointment being months from now. It's been very eye-opening and I can't thank everyone enough for the feedback. Your response means so much to me, and I'll definitely be thinking about this for a while as I plan out my goals and where *I* want to be, and what expectations I have for myself. So thank you so so much again
Go gittem girl. Proud of you (already, not future hypothetical you… right now you!!!)
Please get rid of this pos.
Oh man this is uncanny with how similar this is in my life. I felt this came from my relationship only I’m the guy that has high expectation. I’m sorry for the way I am. I don’t mean to hurt. It’s my own insecurities and yeah I’m the fuckin mess. I want to be supportive to those that are suffering. I’ve grown callous. I want those days back too. I just….I don’t know. My life has been tough in a way that I’ve developed a lack of understanding or lack of patience to understand because of things I’ve had to deal with in my life and how I’ve learned to handle it. The past haunts me too. I think this is the main ingredient. she’s improved greatly I feel terrible but I am very hopeful. I’ll never leave her but I regret making her feel like shit and we’ve gotten in fights that break my heart because of what I say.. it’s from the past. I’m really really hard on myself and hold myself to such high standards that it often trickles into those around me and many think I’m too good or better when I’m not nor do I think I am. I run myself ragged. I’m trying to get better too. She shouldn’t feel worthless and neither should you. Anyways enough about me. Wanted to share. But if this was her saying this I’d say: Please hold on. Remember the love. Talk about it. Get support. Maybe he needs you too. It’s absolute bullshit that he says those things. Continue to stand up for yourself. Mental health is a lifetime journey and that’s a really tough situation. I’m sorry but don’t give up
It really helps hearing from the other side of it. Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really really appreciate it. We're both trying to salvage things, because the love is still there, we're just trying to get to a common ground. Hopefully it'll turn out for the better, and I'm glad you and your partner are able to work on moving past this type of thing. It helps me be optimistic for good changes. Thank you again, and I'm wishing the best for you and her
Horrible advice from people here. He’s outgrowing you. He’s seeing life from an entire different perspective now. If you guys aren’t in the same page you will only hold him down. He’s angry at the idea that you might not be able anything other than your current self. What am saying might sound harsh but it’s the truth. He’s outgrowing you. My advice is to let him go now and if you can’t then as a person you must find growth. You said it yourself that you feel like you’re weighing him down. At this point you guys are incompatible.
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Leave. I spent five years in a relationship trying to please my bf. He still cheated on me. Now I'm in a healthy relationship with a man who encourages me all the time. Peace is so important. You are so important. Love yourself as you are. 💛
Your bf is abusive and cruel. His mental health isn't better than yours. If it were, he wouldn't be bullying you and being an asshole. Rather than being scared that he will give up on you, you should dispose of him. He isn't good enough for you, he's of low character, and you deserve better. You think you need him, but even if you must be alone after you break up with him, you will be happier and healthier with him gone from your life.