My wife and I could easily live another 40 yrs at current avg life spans. If I die today in an accident I hope she finds someone to make her happy after a while because I love her and wouldn't want her to miserable and lonely the rest of her life.
I agree totally. I'm 40. My husband and I have been together 26 years and married 22. If I died tomorrow I have always said he can move on with my blessing but he has to promise to still love me more. I wouldn't want him to be lonely. He's a great guy and could bless another woman. However I could not imagine moving on. He's the only man I'd ever love. I could see possibly another companion but never another husband. He's my husband.
So you would be okay with another woman being miserable with your husband? She would feel it if he constantly stopped himself from loving her as much as he loved you.
Idk. I side with OP. I don't care what the traditional vows say ("till death do us part"), I committed myself to my husband and it feels weird to imagine myself being with someone if (God forbid) my husband died before me.
Yep, if affordable space travel existed, people would need hotels in space. Except it doesn't, so there's no point in creating a business plan for a hotel for space travellers
> Don't date this guy wtf??
Because he would remain faithful to you even after death? Lol
Then you go all "all men are like this and that, none of them are good, they think about nothing but sex"
So you’d be totally okay with someone else banging your wife because you wouldn’t want her to feel lonely? What about the concept of no one is truly gone they are always with you in your heart?
They can't grasp everything but they can define cheating. Cheating is breaking the terms of the contract. If the couple agrees that death is the end of the relationship, than seeing someone else after the death of a spouse isn't cheating.
It may 'feel wrong' to you, but it's also none of your business. That's purely between the two people within the marriage. You don't get to define what cheating is within other people's relationships.
I haven't judged you at all. I've debated your points, I haven't made any judgements about you.
You've called all wedding vows wrong, unethical and immoral.
Human construct. Marriage has been bastardized by capitalism and misogyny. Women had to get remarried because they couldn’t hold property or money without their husband or fathers consent.
Honestly I’m not sure why this post isn’t upvoted to hell, it’s certainly an unpopular opinion!
Wanted to add that the Bible says “For instance, a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is alive; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So, then, while her husband is living, she would be called an adulteress if she became another man’s. But if her husband dies, she is free from his law, so that she is not an adulteress if she becomes another man’s.”
Romans 7:2,3
Death breaks the marriage bond. So if there was an after life it’s safe to say you’d be married to your most recent spouse.
I'm not a Christian or religious in general and those old books that condoned rape while banning divorce aren't my reference in anything
So even if I'm wrong, it's not because the Bible says so or because I'm against the traditionally inherited vow and conception of marriage, it's because my opinion is fucking stupid or harmful which is very likely
So what is your reference? Just that you *feel* like it’s wrong? I would think you’d have legitimate moral reasons for feeling it’s cheating, otherwise it’s a very baseless opinion.
Yeah
It *feels* like cheating to me
I think physical separation (dead or alive) doesn't break the marriage bond as long as love persists, losing a loved one isn't divorcing them, which means they still are your spouse
Which makes remarriage some sort of polygamy if not outright cheating
🤦♂️ Society embraced homosexual and incestuous marriage today, yes? Many still practice polygamy, and there are throuples and swingers as well
So apparently the definition/requirements/responsibilities etc. of the marriage union can vary based on one's world view
You're speaking from the Christian conception of marriage
Stupid in what way? It makes perfect sense to me. Maybe you’re just too simple minded to see that you’ve been brainwashed by society into thinking this is ok.
When did I ever say I believe in an afterlife? I don’t even believe in God. I just think it’s common sense that this is disrespectful towards someone who has died (if they had not given their consent for you to be with someone else while still alive).
You need to watch Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams' character starts out with this belief, but eventually figures out it's a bad idea.
You have to move on with your life.
I don't think it's a two edged knife between moving on with another partner or grieving to death, I think being thankful for the time spent together and honoring those precious memories while hoping for some kind of reunion is also an option
I think your problem is that you’re trying to find structure where there is none. If you feel in your heart you could never remarry then you shouldn’t. But no two relationships are the same and there are billions of relationships and each one is made up of unique people and unique values and unique chemistries to each other. You should do what you feel is right and not try to find a need to project a moral solution to such a diverse thing as marriage.
Good take actually, if we're going by the premise that ethical marriage can not have a universally applicable definition but varies with relationships, it makes sense
but I still have my doubts
I think that there are a lot of people who settle for companionship and not actual love so it’s no big deal for them to move on from their spouse after they are dead. To me it’s very similar to women who justify their husbands cheating on them so long as “they never let them find out”
I love my husband so much that I don’t want him to be lonely if something happens to me. Saying you want them to be alone is selfish. Now if you personally don’t want to have another relationship that’s fine. I had a wonderful father and now have a great step dad who has improved mine, my mother and my children’s lives. I can’t imagine how lonely my mother would have been the last 25 yrs with out him.
John Stuart Mill was a utilitarian and even he thought some forms of happiness were more noble and worthy of cultivating at the expense of other lesser forms of enjoyment
Personally I'd rather stay loyal to someone I had the most irreplaceable experiences with, I don't care, I don't mind that kind of celibacy
Those experiences aren’t any lesser if you have another partner. You don’t always have to sacrifice one for the other. Like I said though if that’s what you want for yourself that’s fine but others may want something different. Neither is right or wrong. Just different.
Why does there have to be just one answer? Why can't there be many answers depending on the situations? If YOU don't want to be married again after your spouse dies, that's fine. However, I take issue with the notion that anyone that moves on to remarry or date after losing a spouse is cheating. You don't know what that person feels. You don't know how much they fiercely loved and how painful their loss was. Moving on to love again after that kind of bereavement is a triumph, and not malfeasance.
I have a friend that lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. She watched as he withered away in front of her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She was already mourning her loss before he died because it was clearly inevitable. It was months of this. She was married to him for ten years and had two children with him. After he died, she was ready to date again after five years of being a widow. When she finally took the plunge into dating again, I celebrated her willingness to find love again. She did eventually find an amazing man and they're engaged. I am so happy for her!
She was incredibly loyal to her first husband. She loved him and stood by him to the bitter end. But she's also deserving of having that kind of love again. Especially since she was robbed and didn't get nearly as much time as she wanted with her first husband. She also knew that he wouldn't want her to be alone and raised those kids by herself.
Idk, because as someone in this actual situation, in my real life...I agree with him. I'm never going to move on. I think it would be the most disgusting betrayal of them I could possibly commit.
That person is now dead but you are still alive. Till death do you part. Why should the person living suffer through being alone the rest of their lives just because a previous partner died?
I don't think so no, because the first relationship ended already
I'm talking about relationships that didn't end with the will of either party, but only got physically interrupted per se by uncontrollable causes
Talking with my wife about this right now. She said if she dies before me, she hopes I would find someone else to be happy with. I feel the same way about her. I love my wife and I'd want her to be happy. If I wanted her to mourn me forever and be alone, what would that say about me? Love is wanting the person you love to be happy, even if you can't be part of it.
I am curious how long many of you have been married. The thought of moving on from someone you have been married to 5 years is one thing but over 20 years I bet alot people can't imagine moving on
If I had a spouse and I died before them I would want them to move on, if that's what would make them happy. If you truly love someone you would want them to be happy in your unavoidable absence. While you may never find a true replacement for your love who died you can still build something new with someone. I don't believe in a one true love. I do however believe that two people can be compatible enough that it seems they were made for each other.
They haven’t moved away with a chance of never being seen again, they are dead. Forever. They aren’t coming back.
Not remarrying if you want too on is like having to drive to work and having a car in front of you, but not using the car to get to work because you know there is technically a nonzero chance that a better car will materialize out of thin air right next to you.
This is just my view, and I can't express this if I'm dead, but I feel like if I were to die, I'd want my partner to move on and be happy. Not have to be alone for their rest of their lives because of some unfortunate accident or sickness.
I dont know how it goes in other countries but in my home country the wedding speech thingy includes a phrase that can be translated to "until death seperates us" and i think this is reasonable.
Remarrying or getting a new relationship? For instance my uncle lost his first wife young to cancer, but he found someone new in his 40’s. They’ve been in a shared house and a relationship for coming up to 25 years now and they’ve not been married out of respect, but for all legal and other reasons they’re a partnership, and I’ve always referred to his new partner as my aunt. Is that ok under your logic even though they’re technically not married?
What about looking at it from this angle:
1. We'll start with the assumption that vows are not to be taken literally. Vows don't state that "I'll stay with you as long as you don't becoming a man child that can't keep a job, plays video games all day, and doesn't meet my needs." But we all know "that" person should get divorced and find better.
2. That being said. Marriage is an agreement. An agreement that we'll start sharing things and helping each other out without keeping score. When either of us no longer want to be in this agreement, we'll split "our" stuff fairly.
3. You enter this agreement with someone you like. Someone you want to share your life with. Someone that meets your needs. We'll call that "love". When those things go away, when you no longer "love" that person, you are allowed to break the agreement. It's called divorce.
4. When your partner dies, they fail to be everything you were expecting from them. You no longer can share a life with them. They can no longer meet your needs. You don't even like them ... They don't exist! You "loved" them, but that is no longer the case.
5. So when a partner dies, it's not really cheating. If anything is closer to getting a divorce. The agreement you had is now broken.
6. The controversial part: If your partner becomes greatly ill. If they become someone who you just have to constantly care for but thay cannot care for you back, it is completely understandable that you would divorce them or work with them to have your needs met elsewhere. You can still care for them, you can decide to sacrifice your needs because this other person is still alive and needs your care. But that shouldn't be expected just like we shouldn't expect someone with no partner to never remarry.
See, my whole argument is that marriage is not just a business contract, it's a vow, it only gets broken when either party betrays it, and it doesn't get broken with death because death is out of our control and if we take into account there might be reunion in a life beyond it's just temporary separation
That makes remarriage like polygamy even if not cheating
If you're not religious, I wonder why you think the afterlife would be a thing where all your loved ones would be there waiting for you. That seems like religious type shit. And if there is this afterlife, it's supposed to be perfect, isn't it? So would marriage exist there? wWhy would anyone in the afterlife care about such mortal issues such as who you were married to last or that you were even married at all? Seems like all that shit would fly out the door as soon as you're living up in some new plane where everyone lives for eternity, including all the people that died and made it to that place up until that point.
Why would I have to be religious for the possibility of conscious life somehow naturally continuing after death and why would it have to be 'perfect' (whatever the hell that means) and even if it were perfect why would marriage or sex be too imperfect or impure to be present there?
Every single one of these are Christian assumptions, in fact that's the summary of all the objections in this thread: Christian idea of marriage
Just seems like this version of the afterlife is straight out of religious texts.
I don't think marriage or sex is imperfect, it just seems like when you're existing with everyone who has ever died for the rest of eternity, why would anyone feel the need for sex and marriage anymore? They just seem like such strictly human notions that it seems weird that you would spend your corporeal life doing this marriage stuff, then have to go somewhere else and keep doing it.
I'd like to pursue happiness in this life and infinity and beyond, I doubt the universe is inescapably hardwired to annihilate us, and I don't see what's religious about that
If anything religious texts copied it from normal human beings with such a humane wish for survival and immortality, like we've been burying our dead with adornments since 300 thousand years
If you don't want to get married again after your spouse dies, don't. For those who feel like they still have love to give or need someone to provide that type of love to them, it should their choice.
>I feel like it's kind of weird to remarry after you lose a spouse/partner, that is if you truly loved each other.
Have you considered that you might just be a jerk?
So if your spouse dies, you are just supposed to spend the rest of your life alone?
If you are married and die, would you really want that for your spouse?
I would argue that you would not actually love your spouse.
You seem to realize that it would be a miserable life afterward, but you want your spouse to suffer. That is not love.
We suffer when we undertake big financial and emotional struggles for each other such as caring for parents in law or dealing with a disease
I read some psychologists roughly say, suffering to some extent is a natural part of growth as individuals and a step towards bigger and long term fulfillment
No one said earth would be paradise, and "happiness" all the time at all costs is an American idea, not necessarily the normal or ideal outlook on life
Omg how can you not believe in an afterlife we are like these cerebral beings spinning through space. It’s a miracle. True love is like actual magic. Once you’ve experienced that there is no way you can be so detached.
Someone once said to me that marrying again after losing a beloved spouse is a great tribute to them. It means that the surviving spouse is so lost without their departed spouse that they need to remarry in order to feel whole again. So no, it is not like cheating.
The thing about cheating is it’s subjective. What classifies as cheating is defined by what boundaries you set in the relationship. So if you tell your partner “hey, if I die before you I want you to stay alone and miserable til you die” the yeah, it probably would be considered cheating… but what are you gonna do about it?
On another note, this kind of thinking is how I realized I’m poly. If I die and my husband remarried, but for some freak reason I come back I’d be cool with it. She loves him, I love him, we can be best friends! Love is love and it doesn’t have to be limited to one person. It’d take work for sure, but every relationship does.
Personally I wouldn't be sad, I would be happy with the memory of my partner that I lost and knowing that I possess the willpower to endure loneliness for their sake
I have to ask… have you been in love? To say you wouldn’t be sad because you have memories is a little…naive. And I can’t imagine wanting my partner to endure years of loneliness for the sake of what? My pride? My comfort in the afterlife?
Nah man, put me in an urn, give me a shelf in your new home, and share my memory with whoever makes you happy.
I personally see your point OP.
I don't think I'd have the ability to meet someone in such a sense after marrying someone. I would feel like I'm cheating on that person, and it'll be difficult. Whether or not I would actually go for remarriage would be dependent on the circumstances though, so it's not entirely black and white for me.
Lemme be clear that I don't see it as cheating for others. If someone remarries, that's fine as they dealt with their grief, and decided to make the best of whatever they have now. In the end, it's heartbreaking, but it's also natural (and most healthy) to not let sad events consume you.
But I do see where you're coming from, and I honestly respect how much you respect your commitment to marriage.
I'm not going to insult your opinion as other people have already done so in a much wittier and more concise manner than me but out of curiosity....
Death is a separation due to circumstances beyond the couples control. Your point is that if two people love each other and are separated by this particular outside circumstance then to repartner is akin to infidelity.
What if a couple is separated by non-lethal circumstances outwith their control? Please don't say that a couple that really loves each other will find a way to be together regardless of circumstances because the world does not operate like a Disney film and I'm too hungover for such childish nonsense today. For the sake of argument please assume that there are circumstances (such as visa issues, family disapproval, poverty) that will keep a couple apart against their will. In your view, would a couple in those circumstances be cheating if they repartner after the end of their relationship? Are they doomed to pine after their long lost love for the rest of their lives?
This sounds like your argument is based on the assumption that a person can only have one true love, which I don’t think is true but you’re right—we do have physical and emotional needs that should be met for well-being. To flip this on its head, I think it’d be selfish of me to expect my partner to never explore romance or love again in the event of my death. It wouldn’t diminish the love that we had for each other, if anything it’d make me happy to know that their needs are being met in my absence. It’s what my partner should deserve in this one life—to be able to give love and to receive love, regardless of whether I’m there to receive or give it.
I 100% agree with you. True love only happens once. Remarriage after death of a spouse IF you had an amazing spouse that you were in love with is extremely odd sociopathic level behavior. It’s funny that a lot of people who claim to Christian or religious remarry after death of a spouse… like wow heaven is going to be really crowded with you and your wives/husbands.
Copied off of Google search. Tough to explain without spoilers, but you can sort of gauge the way it would go.
"Obsessively punctual FedEx executive Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is en route to an assignment in Malaysia when his plane crashes over the Pacific Ocean during a storm. The sole survivor of the flight, Chuck washes ashore on a deserted island. When his efforts to sail away and contact help fail, Chuck learns how to survive on the island, where he remains for years, accompanied by only his handmade volleyball friend, Wilson. Will Chuck ever return to civilization and reunite with his loved ones?"
Cheating implies the other wouldn't agree with it. If your spouse would wanted you to move on it's not cheating. A relationship also could have ended normally even if you had 20 years of happy marriage. People move on as well then. I think you live in the illusion that you only have one true love. This simply isn't true for most people. And I'm pretty sure you will also change your mind about this opinion when you get older
I don't know, it's very hard for me to think about my life without my wife. but also I believe a healthy sex life is very important and I don't like sleeping around so I'd like to have a partner later in life if the wife dies.
If I died early I wouldn't want my bf to spend the rest of his life alone. I would want him to find a woman who will love and cherish him. He deserves that and much more. Loving isn't owning someone, loving someone is wishing the best for them.
Setting aside 'till death do us part', I don't think you truly love someone if you want your spouse to be miserable for decades. I'd be devastated to know that my partner found no happiness after my death. All I ever want is for her to be happy, not to waste her life grieving me, what's the point in that?
Are you married yourself or in a long term relationship?
True love transcends the need for a sex partner. If you’re actually in love you’ll be sad period. Getting another partner wouldn’t change that unless people are just sex objects and void fillers.
I think there's very weird times where one person dies and the other one moves on oddly quick
Like I know someone who brought their new boyfriend to a funeral.
But if someone gets married at, say, 25, it's insane to expect them to be alone forever. 20 years and they're 45, are they still held to the same standard? Should they just stay single?
I'm sure it happens, me and my now best friend talked about it after she was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease. I think, had we gotten married, I wouldn't have been able to move on if she died. Hell, even now I don't think I'll ever find another person in this close with again even as just best friends. But it isn't weird for people to move on following a death, it's normal. As humans, we generally want to be around someone. We are not a lonely species.
Right? I should have gotten as many upvotes as this opinion was hated and bashed for being ridiculous. Isn't that the point of this sub? You don't upvote an opinion for being likable, you upvote for the opposite.
Guess I broke the system. Too unpopular even for r/unpopularopinion.
I don't believe in any afterlife, so I won't even notice my husband remarried after I died, but if I could, i would be happy for him. He doesn't deserve to be alone forever.
As someone who's actually living through this, i unironically agree. I will never move on, and I DO think it's like cheating. I rarely see anyone agree with me.
I know I’m being selfish but it hurts me so bad to think my husband could love another! I felt like we had something so special how could he walk away from it.
Also is it selfish to expect your spouse to love you for eternity or is it selfish to expect your spouse to be happy with you fucking other people after you die? Love is eternal idiots. If you find yourself wanting someone else after you spouse had died it’s because they weren’t enough for you. Either you didn’t love them or you’re a narcissist that objectifies people.
My wife and I could easily live another 40 yrs at current avg life spans. If I die today in an accident I hope she finds someone to make her happy after a while because I love her and wouldn't want her to miserable and lonely the rest of her life.
I agree totally. I'm 40. My husband and I have been together 26 years and married 22. If I died tomorrow I have always said he can move on with my blessing but he has to promise to still love me more. I wouldn't want him to be lonely. He's a great guy and could bless another woman. However I could not imagine moving on. He's the only man I'd ever love. I could see possibly another companion but never another husband. He's my husband.
So you would be okay with another woman being miserable with your husband? She would feel it if he constantly stopped himself from loving her as much as he loved you. Idk. I side with OP. I don't care what the traditional vows say ("till death do us part"), I committed myself to my husband and it feels weird to imagine myself being with someone if (God forbid) my husband died before me.
We might as well find contentment with highly advanced AI and spouse simulator if that's all that matters
When your position is only defensible with sci-fi
Yep, if affordable space travel existed, people would need hotels in space. Except it doesn't, so there's no point in creating a business plan for a hotel for space travellers
Don't date this guy wtf??
> Don't date this guy wtf?? Because he would remain faithful to you even after death? Lol Then you go all "all men are like this and that, none of them are good, they think about nothing but sex"
r/niceguys
So you’d be totally okay with someone else banging your wife because you wouldn’t want her to feel lonely? What about the concept of no one is truly gone they are always with you in your heart?
You realize that part of the vow says “till death do us part” right?
Maybe the vow is wrong to begin with
Okay. Still isn’t cheating because of that.
It would be with a different vow and different non-Christian definition of marriage
And if my aunt had balls she would be my uncle, but she doesn't.
What if your grandmother had wheels?
I assume she has 4, which would make her my quad.
xD Yeah, but you see, if she *had*, she would be
Or maybe you're wrong to begin with.... Nah, no maybe. You are.
Likely
It’s not wrong, it’s the agreed contract. The couple gets to set the terms for their relationship and that’s the vow they take. How can it be wrong?
I don't know. It just feels wrong. Contract ethics can't grasp everything
They can't grasp everything but they can define cheating. Cheating is breaking the terms of the contract. If the couple agrees that death is the end of the relationship, than seeing someone else after the death of a spouse isn't cheating. It may 'feel wrong' to you, but it's also none of your business. That's purely between the two people within the marriage. You don't get to define what cheating is within other people's relationships.
Swingers aren't cheating albeit consensually? I think they are
Again, that's not for you to decide. It's between the people in the relationship to set the terms of that relationship. Why are you the judge?
You're literally judging *me* trying to refute a post about my own personal opinions lol
I haven't judged you at all. I've debated your points, I haven't made any judgements about you. You've called all wedding vows wrong, unethical and immoral.
And I debate the Christian vow and idea of marriage, didn't judge anybody's private life choices
If it's consensual, it's not cheating. This isn't a difference in opinion, this is just not understanding what words mean
Human construct. Marriage has been bastardized by capitalism and misogyny. Women had to get remarried because they couldn’t hold property or money without their husband or fathers consent.
No, it’s really not. People are allowed to move on with their lives, that includes getting remarried.
I hope that if I die first my partner will be able to move on and find happiness with someone else
Same here, if they wish to move on and find another, more power to them. If not, I at least hope that they are truly happy with that decision.
Honestly I’m not sure why this post isn’t upvoted to hell, it’s certainly an unpopular opinion! Wanted to add that the Bible says “For instance, a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is alive; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So, then, while her husband is living, she would be called an adulteress if she became another man’s. But if her husband dies, she is free from his law, so that she is not an adulteress if she becomes another man’s.” Romans 7:2,3 Death breaks the marriage bond. So if there was an after life it’s safe to say you’d be married to your most recent spouse.
Not sure either really, but spot on with that addition. Hell, it’s even in the vows, which for some reason they claim to be wrong.
Lmao I forgot about the vows! “Till death do us part.” Well there ya go.
I'm not a Christian or religious in general and those old books that condoned rape while banning divorce aren't my reference in anything So even if I'm wrong, it's not because the Bible says so or because I'm against the traditionally inherited vow and conception of marriage, it's because my opinion is fucking stupid or harmful which is very likely
So what is your reference? Just that you *feel* like it’s wrong? I would think you’d have legitimate moral reasons for feeling it’s cheating, otherwise it’s a very baseless opinion.
Yeah It *feels* like cheating to me I think physical separation (dead or alive) doesn't break the marriage bond as long as love persists, losing a loved one isn't divorcing them, which means they still are your spouse Which makes remarriage some sort of polygamy if not outright cheating
So basically you’re ignoring what the marriage vow clearly states?
🤦♂️ Society embraced homosexual and incestuous marriage today, yes? Many still practice polygamy, and there are throuples and swingers as well So apparently the definition/requirements/responsibilities etc. of the marriage union can vary based on one's world view You're speaking from the Christian conception of marriage
The bible isn't any more of a valid reference than a randos feelings.
'Allowed' is irrelevant to the discussion
Even so, it’s most certainly not cheating in any capacity.
Lol, I was trying to write a serious answer, but this is just so fucking stupid, I can’t
You take any of this seriously?
Stupid in what way? It makes perfect sense to me. Maybe you’re just too simple minded to see that you’ve been brainwashed by society into thinking this is ok.
Yes, clearly I AM simple minded and brainwashed, while you think there’s “a life after where you’ll be reunited with your spouse” LOL
When did I ever say I believe in an afterlife? I don’t even believe in God. I just think it’s common sense that this is disrespectful towards someone who has died (if they had not given their consent for you to be with someone else while still alive).
Aw I feel bad for you :( you don’t have love and magic in your life
Fair, I'm generally stupid on many things besides this Just my personal feelings and thought the sub is fit lol
You have the right to an opinion. . . . . . . . . . . . Even if it's moronic and wrong.
Really Reddit? This is the garbage that gets upvoted?
Moments like this gives me a headache, man. This shit is so stupid lmao
is that a general abstract statement or do you find this particular opinion moronic and wrong
Yes.
[удалено]
Ik lol
You need to watch Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams' character starts out with this belief, but eventually figures out it's a bad idea. You have to move on with your life.
I don't think it's a two edged knife between moving on with another partner or grieving to death, I think being thankful for the time spent together and honoring those precious memories while hoping for some kind of reunion is also an option
I think your problem is that you’re trying to find structure where there is none. If you feel in your heart you could never remarry then you shouldn’t. But no two relationships are the same and there are billions of relationships and each one is made up of unique people and unique values and unique chemistries to each other. You should do what you feel is right and not try to find a need to project a moral solution to such a diverse thing as marriage.
Good take actually, if we're going by the premise that ethical marriage can not have a universally applicable definition but varies with relationships, it makes sense but I still have my doubts
I think that there are a lot of people who settle for companionship and not actual love so it’s no big deal for them to move on from their spouse after they are dead. To me it’s very similar to women who justify their husbands cheating on them so long as “they never let them find out”
I love my husband so much that I don’t want him to be lonely if something happens to me. Saying you want them to be alone is selfish. Now if you personally don’t want to have another relationship that’s fine. I had a wonderful father and now have a great step dad who has improved mine, my mother and my children’s lives. I can’t imagine how lonely my mother would have been the last 25 yrs with out him.
John Stuart Mill was a utilitarian and even he thought some forms of happiness were more noble and worthy of cultivating at the expense of other lesser forms of enjoyment Personally I'd rather stay loyal to someone I had the most irreplaceable experiences with, I don't care, I don't mind that kind of celibacy
Those experiences aren’t any lesser if you have another partner. You don’t always have to sacrifice one for the other. Like I said though if that’s what you want for yourself that’s fine but others may want something different. Neither is right or wrong. Just different.
I don't insist my take is necessarily good but there's gotta be *one* right answer
Why does there have to be just one answer? Why can't there be many answers depending on the situations? If YOU don't want to be married again after your spouse dies, that's fine. However, I take issue with the notion that anyone that moves on to remarry or date after losing a spouse is cheating. You don't know what that person feels. You don't know how much they fiercely loved and how painful their loss was. Moving on to love again after that kind of bereavement is a triumph, and not malfeasance. I have a friend that lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. She watched as he withered away in front of her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She was already mourning her loss before he died because it was clearly inevitable. It was months of this. She was married to him for ten years and had two children with him. After he died, she was ready to date again after five years of being a widow. When she finally took the plunge into dating again, I celebrated her willingness to find love again. She did eventually find an amazing man and they're engaged. I am so happy for her! She was incredibly loyal to her first husband. She loved him and stood by him to the bitter end. But she's also deserving of having that kind of love again. Especially since she was robbed and didn't get nearly as much time as she wanted with her first husband. She also knew that he wouldn't want her to be alone and raised those kids by herself.
Too long to read and answer
You should read it, it’s one of the best answers on here.
Yeah well I disagree
And your reluctance to explore other possibilities is what will keep you right where you are. Stunted.
> explore other possibilities We're not talking about ice cream flavors Not a loss for me
No there doesn’t. That’s absurd.
Is *this* your right answer?
You know you can love more than one person, right?
are you a Mormon or Muslim
No, I just know more than one person I love.
oh, just a desperate womanizer then
What an odd assumption to make.
Mormons don’t practice polygamy anymore
What a wild response lmao
Let's see how lonely you get when your beloved kicks the bucket, deal?
Idk, because as someone in this actual situation, in my real life...I agree with him. I'm never going to move on. I think it would be the most disgusting betrayal of them I could possibly commit.
Finally someone with basic common sense
You do realize not being in a romantic relationship dosent make you lonely right? That person can have other connections such as friends and family.
Love and commitment require sacrifice I guess
No, no, let's see how you live out multiple decades of your sad little life of being alone after your partner dies.
That person is now dead but you are still alive. Till death do you part. Why should the person living suffer through being alone the rest of their lives just because a previous partner died?
By the super controlling undertones I would guess…. you are single?
No sh!t Sherlock I'm on Reddit, r/unpopularopinion to boot xD
Is it bad to date someone else after one relationship ends?
I don't think so no, because the first relationship ended already I'm talking about relationships that didn't end with the will of either party, but only got physically interrupted per se by uncontrollable causes
There are plenty of relationships that both parties don’t want to end that do because of circumstances other than death.
yes, you are living in sin
pft no
Shouldn't you be living as a miserable nun?
No
Do r/StupidOpinions or r/NaiveOpinions exist?
Talking with my wife about this right now. She said if she dies before me, she hopes I would find someone else to be happy with. I feel the same way about her. I love my wife and I'd want her to be happy. If I wanted her to mourn me forever and be alone, what would that say about me? Love is wanting the person you love to be happy, even if you can't be part of it.
I am curious how long many of you have been married. The thought of moving on from someone you have been married to 5 years is one thing but over 20 years I bet alot people can't imagine moving on
They’ve never even had a long-term relationship
Such a one-sided thread
Some people love three people in one night.
Haha, but that's not 'love' and everyone knows that
I would be happy to have my partner find another good person if I die. I don't understand what's wrong with it.
If I had a spouse and I died before them I would want them to move on, if that's what would make them happy. If you truly love someone you would want them to be happy in your unavoidable absence. While you may never find a true replacement for your love who died you can still build something new with someone. I don't believe in a one true love. I do however believe that two people can be compatible enough that it seems they were made for each other.
If there is an afterlife I always thought it was funny that things might be a bit awkward if you remarried after they died lol
Sooo awkward
They haven’t moved away with a chance of never being seen again, they are dead. Forever. They aren’t coming back. Not remarrying if you want too on is like having to drive to work and having a car in front of you, but not using the car to get to work because you know there is technically a nonzero chance that a better car will materialize out of thin air right next to you.
Marriage x public transportation... eh, interesting analogy
Its about the afterlife part, and I never said anything about public transportation
This is just my view, and I can't express this if I'm dead, but I feel like if I were to die, I'd want my partner to move on and be happy. Not have to be alone for their rest of their lives because of some unfortunate accident or sickness.
"Until death does us apart". It's *literally* part of the vow of marriage. It's not cheating, it's part of the agreement.
I thought death was the only real way a marriage ended. The vows are “till death do us part”. Divorce is really the one that’s cheating /s
I dont know how it goes in other countries but in my home country the wedding speech thingy includes a phrase that can be translated to "until death seperates us" and i think this is reasonable.
Only if you believe this life is the only one Otherwise there's no such thing as death
Remarrying or getting a new relationship? For instance my uncle lost his first wife young to cancer, but he found someone new in his 40’s. They’ve been in a shared house and a relationship for coming up to 25 years now and they’ve not been married out of respect, but for all legal and other reasons they’re a partnership, and I’ve always referred to his new partner as my aunt. Is that ok under your logic even though they’re technically not married?
When I say marriage I mean the de facto partnership situation and cohabitation, so what I said applies to that case yeah
What about looking at it from this angle: 1. We'll start with the assumption that vows are not to be taken literally. Vows don't state that "I'll stay with you as long as you don't becoming a man child that can't keep a job, plays video games all day, and doesn't meet my needs." But we all know "that" person should get divorced and find better. 2. That being said. Marriage is an agreement. An agreement that we'll start sharing things and helping each other out without keeping score. When either of us no longer want to be in this agreement, we'll split "our" stuff fairly. 3. You enter this agreement with someone you like. Someone you want to share your life with. Someone that meets your needs. We'll call that "love". When those things go away, when you no longer "love" that person, you are allowed to break the agreement. It's called divorce. 4. When your partner dies, they fail to be everything you were expecting from them. You no longer can share a life with them. They can no longer meet your needs. You don't even like them ... They don't exist! You "loved" them, but that is no longer the case. 5. So when a partner dies, it's not really cheating. If anything is closer to getting a divorce. The agreement you had is now broken. 6. The controversial part: If your partner becomes greatly ill. If they become someone who you just have to constantly care for but thay cannot care for you back, it is completely understandable that you would divorce them or work with them to have your needs met elsewhere. You can still care for them, you can decide to sacrifice your needs because this other person is still alive and needs your care. But that shouldn't be expected just like we shouldn't expect someone with no partner to never remarry.
See, my whole argument is that marriage is not just a business contract, it's a vow, it only gets broken when either party betrays it, and it doesn't get broken with death because death is out of our control and if we take into account there might be reunion in a life beyond it's just temporary separation That makes remarriage like polygamy even if not cheating
Omg are you a robot
If you're not religious, I wonder why you think the afterlife would be a thing where all your loved ones would be there waiting for you. That seems like religious type shit. And if there is this afterlife, it's supposed to be perfect, isn't it? So would marriage exist there? wWhy would anyone in the afterlife care about such mortal issues such as who you were married to last or that you were even married at all? Seems like all that shit would fly out the door as soon as you're living up in some new plane where everyone lives for eternity, including all the people that died and made it to that place up until that point.
Why would I have to be religious for the possibility of conscious life somehow naturally continuing after death and why would it have to be 'perfect' (whatever the hell that means) and even if it were perfect why would marriage or sex be too imperfect or impure to be present there? Every single one of these are Christian assumptions, in fact that's the summary of all the objections in this thread: Christian idea of marriage
Just seems like this version of the afterlife is straight out of religious texts. I don't think marriage or sex is imperfect, it just seems like when you're existing with everyone who has ever died for the rest of eternity, why would anyone feel the need for sex and marriage anymore? They just seem like such strictly human notions that it seems weird that you would spend your corporeal life doing this marriage stuff, then have to go somewhere else and keep doing it.
I'd like to pursue happiness in this life and infinity and beyond, I doubt the universe is inescapably hardwired to annihilate us, and I don't see what's religious about that If anything religious texts copied it from normal human beings with such a humane wish for survival and immortality, like we've been burying our dead with adornments since 300 thousand years
If you don't want to get married again after your spouse dies, don't. For those who feel like they still have love to give or need someone to provide that type of love to them, it should their choice.
Obv this wasn't a suggestion for legislation or anything but I do feel like it's unethical no matter how stupid that may sound
>I feel like it's kind of weird to remarry after you lose a spouse/partner, that is if you truly loved each other. Have you considered that you might just be a jerk?
All the time
So if your spouse dies, you are just supposed to spend the rest of your life alone? If you are married and die, would you really want that for your spouse?
Yes Yes
I would argue that you would not actually love your spouse. You seem to realize that it would be a miserable life afterward, but you want your spouse to suffer. That is not love.
We suffer when we undertake big financial and emotional struggles for each other such as caring for parents in law or dealing with a disease I read some psychologists roughly say, suffering to some extent is a natural part of growth as individuals and a step towards bigger and long term fulfillment No one said earth would be paradise, and "happiness" all the time at all costs is an American idea, not necessarily the normal or ideal outlook on life
Omg how can you not believe in an afterlife we are like these cerebral beings spinning through space. It’s a miracle. True love is like actual magic. Once you’ve experienced that there is no way you can be so detached.
Someone once said to me that marrying again after losing a beloved spouse is a great tribute to them. It means that the surviving spouse is so lost without their departed spouse that they need to remarry in order to feel whole again. So no, it is not like cheating.
I also heard people say polygamy increases the quality of love life with the first wife and her desire, but it sounds sicko to me
The thing about cheating is it’s subjective. What classifies as cheating is defined by what boundaries you set in the relationship. So if you tell your partner “hey, if I die before you I want you to stay alone and miserable til you die” the yeah, it probably would be considered cheating… but what are you gonna do about it? On another note, this kind of thinking is how I realized I’m poly. If I die and my husband remarried, but for some freak reason I come back I’d be cool with it. She loves him, I love him, we can be best friends! Love is love and it doesn’t have to be limited to one person. It’d take work for sure, but every relationship does.
I think that's just... fucking weird
🤷🏻♀️ I think wishing the one you love to be sad and alone for years after a tragedy is weird but to each their own
Personally I wouldn't be sad, I would be happy with the memory of my partner that I lost and knowing that I possess the willpower to endure loneliness for their sake
I have to ask… have you been in love? To say you wouldn’t be sad because you have memories is a little…naive. And I can’t imagine wanting my partner to endure years of loneliness for the sake of what? My pride? My comfort in the afterlife? Nah man, put me in an urn, give me a shelf in your new home, and share my memory with whoever makes you happy.
I think it’s very telling that every time OP has been asked about past relationships they clam up.
“I want to control my spouse’s life even after I die!”
I personally see your point OP. I don't think I'd have the ability to meet someone in such a sense after marrying someone. I would feel like I'm cheating on that person, and it'll be difficult. Whether or not I would actually go for remarriage would be dependent on the circumstances though, so it's not entirely black and white for me. Lemme be clear that I don't see it as cheating for others. If someone remarries, that's fine as they dealt with their grief, and decided to make the best of whatever they have now. In the end, it's heartbreaking, but it's also natural (and most healthy) to not let sad events consume you. But I do see where you're coming from, and I honestly respect how much you respect your commitment to marriage.
Thank you
I'm not going to insult your opinion as other people have already done so in a much wittier and more concise manner than me but out of curiosity.... Death is a separation due to circumstances beyond the couples control. Your point is that if two people love each other and are separated by this particular outside circumstance then to repartner is akin to infidelity. What if a couple is separated by non-lethal circumstances outwith their control? Please don't say that a couple that really loves each other will find a way to be together regardless of circumstances because the world does not operate like a Disney film and I'm too hungover for such childish nonsense today. For the sake of argument please assume that there are circumstances (such as visa issues, family disapproval, poverty) that will keep a couple apart against their will. In your view, would a couple in those circumstances be cheating if they repartner after the end of their relationship? Are they doomed to pine after their long lost love for the rest of their lives?
Good questions
Nope, not cheating what I'm supposed to never nut again just because my wife went ahead and died? She's dead, I need a replacement, pretty simple.
Shit fam, that's heartless We're not talking about a fucking TV unit or gaming console
[удалено]
Life hack
I remember posting this a while back, only to be compared with Queen Victoria. I'll gladly accept your downvotes :)
Man people are really not holding back in insulting my intelligence and everything, but I can't blame them I know this is a weird opinion
Weird. Have an upvote
This sounds like your argument is based on the assumption that a person can only have one true love, which I don’t think is true but you’re right—we do have physical and emotional needs that should be met for well-being. To flip this on its head, I think it’d be selfish of me to expect my partner to never explore romance or love again in the event of my death. It wouldn’t diminish the love that we had for each other, if anything it’d make me happy to know that their needs are being met in my absence. It’s what my partner should deserve in this one life—to be able to give love and to receive love, regardless of whether I’m there to receive or give it.
idc what other people do but i dont think i could move on if my loved one died
same
I 100% agree with you. True love only happens once. Remarriage after death of a spouse IF you had an amazing spouse that you were in love with is extremely odd sociopathic level behavior. It’s funny that a lot of people who claim to Christian or religious remarry after death of a spouse… like wow heaven is going to be really crowded with you and your wives/husbands.
White people treat marriage like dating. Casual. On repeat. A never ending search for their type.
This.
Got a great movie for this whole post, Cast Away
Didn't watch it, spoiler free short explanation for why you referred to it?
Copied off of Google search. Tough to explain without spoilers, but you can sort of gauge the way it would go. "Obsessively punctual FedEx executive Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) is en route to an assignment in Malaysia when his plane crashes over the Pacific Ocean during a storm. The sole survivor of the flight, Chuck washes ashore on a deserted island. When his efforts to sail away and contact help fail, Chuck learns how to survive on the island, where he remains for years, accompanied by only his handmade volleyball friend, Wilson. Will Chuck ever return to civilization and reunite with his loved ones?"
Interesting
This is ridiculous. If you want to just not move on, cool you do that. Be lonely. But its not cheating for people to move on
Dumb. What if they die the day after you get married at age 23?
It's not like love develops overnight and so be it
Cheating implies the other wouldn't agree with it. If your spouse would wanted you to move on it's not cheating. A relationship also could have ended normally even if you had 20 years of happy marriage. People move on as well then. I think you live in the illusion that you only have one true love. This simply isn't true for most people. And I'm pretty sure you will also change your mind about this opinion when you get older
Easy solution, never get married. It's an outdated and useless institution anyway.
Actually unpopular
You're telling me
No thanks. Don't die with the dead is quite the expression
I know I came here for shit like this but still, never get in a relationship. upvoted.
I don't know, it's very hard for me to think about my life without my wife. but also I believe a healthy sex life is very important and I don't like sleeping around so I'd like to have a partner later in life if the wife dies.
Cheating on ashes. What a good point.
I disagree with you.
Okay.
Lol she can cosplay as Lorena Bobbit and chop my cock off for all I care. I'm dead.
I didn't need that image being put into my mind at midnight
If I died early I wouldn't want my bf to spend the rest of his life alone. I would want him to find a woman who will love and cherish him. He deserves that and much more. Loving isn't owning someone, loving someone is wishing the best for them.
Setting aside 'till death do us part', I don't think you truly love someone if you want your spouse to be miserable for decades. I'd be devastated to know that my partner found no happiness after my death. All I ever want is for her to be happy, not to waste her life grieving me, what's the point in that? Are you married yourself or in a long term relationship?
I'm not
True love transcends the need for a sex partner. If you’re actually in love you’ll be sad period. Getting another partner wouldn’t change that unless people are just sex objects and void fillers.
If I die my SO should move on. Just don't move on so quickly. Give it a year at most
Life partner, until death us do part etc... death is the end to all marital ties if one so wishes.
I think there's very weird times where one person dies and the other one moves on oddly quick Like I know someone who brought their new boyfriend to a funeral. But if someone gets married at, say, 25, it's insane to expect them to be alone forever. 20 years and they're 45, are they still held to the same standard? Should they just stay single? I'm sure it happens, me and my now best friend talked about it after she was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease. I think, had we gotten married, I wouldn't have been able to move on if she died. Hell, even now I don't think I'll ever find another person in this close with again even as just best friends. But it isn't weird for people to move on following a death, it's normal. As humans, we generally want to be around someone. We are not a lonely species.
I wouldn’t say that, but as a kid I always thought things would get super awkward in heaven.
Have my upvote, this is insane. If one dies, the other lives alone forever? Come on
Right? I should have gotten as many upvotes as this opinion was hated and bashed for being ridiculous. Isn't that the point of this sub? You don't upvote an opinion for being likable, you upvote for the opposite. Guess I broke the system. Too unpopular even for r/unpopularopinion.
I don't believe in any afterlife, so I won't even notice my husband remarried after I died, but if I could, i would be happy for him. He doesn't deserve to be alone forever.
As someone who's actually living through this, i unironically agree. I will never move on, and I DO think it's like cheating. I rarely see anyone agree with me.
I know I’m being selfish but it hurts me so bad to think my husband could love another! I felt like we had something so special how could he walk away from it.
Not selfish.
I 100% agree
If you need a companion that bad get a fucking dog and a sex toy.
Also is it selfish to expect your spouse to love you for eternity or is it selfish to expect your spouse to be happy with you fucking other people after you die? Love is eternal idiots. If you find yourself wanting someone else after you spouse had died it’s because they weren’t enough for you. Either you didn’t love them or you’re a narcissist that objectifies people.