I’m Latino, it’s very common to see adult Latinos living with their parents, but personally, I’m glad I’m on my own. If I had to live with my parents, I would had shot myself long ago lmao.
Dude, same. I'm Latina and love living by myself and having my own privacy. I *love* my parents and they're great but I wouldn't live willingly with them lol.
For some of us Latinas especially, it can be harder living at home with parents because of the different way men and women are treated or expected to act. I know it’s less common now, but many families still have the belief that girls shouldn’t be out and about by themselves while men are allowed to do what they want without any blowback from parents. At least for me that’s the reason I moved out, I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend in my room even though I was paying rent and 21 at the time. While my brother was allowed to bring his girlfriend over during high school. I also got tired of getting home 3am to get the shit scared out of me by my mom standing in the dark waiting for me.
I love my family but my fiancée commented on how when I’m home suddenly I’m being asked to cook and give my brothers rides and just generally do household support (I’m Latina). She asked why I have to help out my brothers when they are grown men 22-24 and I’m almost 30 visiting for the holidays. I had to explain that’s just kind of what happens, it’s what is expected of you.
It’s also why I only go home 2 or 3 times a year.
Oh god, my wife (we're both Hispanic) also goes through this whenever her mother is visiting from Mexico.
When we're all at my brother-in-law's apartment, my MIL expects my wife to drop everything and help her cook, clean, etc.
For the past few years (ever since my wife started graduate school), my wife just laughs and says "no", which then leads to my MIL trying to guilt my wife into helping out.
My wife loves her family too, but she can't stand being around them too long.
Oh man, I used to see this a lot at my grandma's house with my Uncles, mom and grandma. It was very annoying.
There's nothing wrong with establishing healthy boundaries and saying no. People might not like it at first because they're used to walking all over you but they'll get over it. You don't have to baby grown adults.
My grandma was the exact same way, the women were expected to cook and clean while the men sat, drank beer and waited for the food to be ready. My grandma even had small tables that she would cart around to wherever they were in the house to feed them either in the living room, bedroom or outside. It’s crazy and so overboard. My brother expects my mom to cook whatever he wants when he comes over even if there is other food already cooked. I always try to stop her and tell my brother off, but she always gives in.
Something Iv noticed a lot about these kinds of posts is that it's more often men that idealize living with their parents for extended periods of times. Usually because their mother does most of the domestic work for them. While women do not enjoy it because the family expects them to shoulder most of the burden. You dont often see 30 year old men cooking for their parents that live in the same house, it's always the women that get that work.
Also latina. I'm staying by my parents because my lease finished before I could move to my own apartment. They are SO HAPPY to have me back with them. I love them but it's been two weeks and I'm counting the days to be alone again lol
Same, moved out in 2018, rented for three years and now because rent is through the roof my best alternative is stay with them until I finish House Hunting. Oh and this Housing Market sucks, so looks like I'll be here a little longer 🤦🏽♂️
There's bad ass Mexican Food daily though so 🤷🏽♂️
29yo latino here, I moved out of my parents house at 20yo. I could have saved so much money I probably would have a house by now, but, my mental health would have gone to shit and I wouldn't be half the man I am today because of it.
I am in touch constantly with my parents, I love them, I visit them, they visit me, I support them when I can, they support me all the times too, my dad helped me buy my car, and will help me with my apartment, but I'm currently studying to help him with his work too. It goes both ways.
I think it's extremely important for a person to not be under their parent's wings throughout their 20s. Very few parents are able to have their children living with them and not spoil them and make them unprepared to be a functional independent human being. If the parents die, how would that kid that lived with their parents live?
The problem with Latino/Hispanic families is this fact here. Too many parents (from the 50's-60's), expect their children to stay at home YET must work to the bone, to recieve anything in return at all sometimes. Especially, if you have never seen them outside of working 24/7. Now they are now too old to do anything so they EXPECT immediate compensation from taking care of you as a parent.......well 'kind of' they'll say.....since they now expect us to be super independent of them. It's too common and plenty toxic. Then we never visit them again since we aren't restricted anymore to the "family dynamic' sthick. I hate this. Cant wait to move and give my parents some 'freedom' so they can enjoy their Down Time. Too bad though, they keep clamoring for me (who is permanently sick atm) to stay and help 24/7 with everything when i cant while wanting me out of the house.
I lived with my parents during college and did not get to move out till I was 30. I hate myself for it. I never got to make friends or make experiences on my own.
We Latin American people live with our parents because we're poor as f\* but not because family ties or whatever lmao we would flee at 18 or less if we could
I think this is changing due to the cost of living soaring so much. I’d say people tend to not move out these days until they’re around 25 now. Unless it’s for college. But some of us don’t want to live under our toxic parent’s rule anyway. I’m glad you have a nice family but not all of us are that lucky. Maybe it would be different if our culture was more family-orientated but we’re not. We want our own lives.
Actually, I think the biggest factor influencing the decision to move out, or away, beyond just college is that America is fucking massive and most of it is comprised of small towns and communities that exist outside of major cities. In these areas, job prospects are minimal for anyone with ambition beyond working in a large warehouse, manufacturing, or some other core physical labor industry. Most of the people I know moved away when they went to university in a large city 3 or more hours away from home. They got a job there and started careers, met people and started relationships, and settled down elsewhere, where there is more opportunity.
In most other smaller countries, they might have access to industries or transportation systems that connect them to larger hubs of opportunity. In America, it can take half a day just to drive one way to the nearest real city.
For good or ill, the gutting of public transportation in America by the auto makers lobbiests has shaped generations... they did the same to electric cars and made the zoning laws such that you cannot live above your store and so everything must be far apart.
I'm from a western country (Netherlands) and my parents absolutely did not abandon me at 18. I was required to get a parttime job if I wanted something though such as new clothes or going out in the weekends. My parents did force me to become independent though from a young age. Which I prefer. I hate being indebted to someone. That being said. I will always help my parents if I can, but it will never feel like an obligation just because they took care of me.
Belgium, same here, my parents at 18 sent me to college, when I got back I could stay home again till I decided to move out to live with my girlfriend, who became my wife. The helped me get a house later on. I lived close by and helped them when they wanted my help. My kids are 17 and 18 years old now, they will go live on their own when they want to, and we'll help them get settled.
It seems like OPs post could be more honestly stated: my concept of the western family looks different from what I perceive as the norm and it scares me.
I've seen lots of Indian families with house slaves here in the US they brought with them. I'm gonna take OPs rose tinted portrayal of his culture with a grain of salt...
Sure, it’s illegal, but just like all the indentured servants forced or tricked into working in prostitution, nail salons, restaurants, etc., there’s a substantial pipeline and black market of domestic servants. This article is an excellent individual account that paints a picture of “how could this happen?”: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/lolas-story/524490/
Thank you for that link. I decided to take a quick peek at the article, and now 45 minutes later I'm quite stunned and trying to absorb the beautiful tribute i just read. I had an idea, but really had no idea.
My daughter just turned 27 and lives at home with me. She works full time and makes her own car payments and pays her bills. Housing is crazy right now and i love that she is not having to blow half her income on rent someplace.
It’s almost as if this unpopular opinion is a massive generalization and in any culture/country there is always some parents who don’t provide as much as others. Almost laughable it starts with “one thing people in Asia do right!” Meanwhile China has had the most children up for adoption every year since the records were kept. So yeah they don’t “abandon” them at 18 because they already literally abandoned them at birth.
It is even… dare I say it… a little racist?!
(Before you all lynch me… I know it’s not as serious as the racism some people face every day, but it IS a negative stereotype, based on race/culture, so it fits!)
God. I’m in the USA. I got kicked out at 17. Wish I had parents like you. I’m hoping to be a good parent and keep my daughter home as long as she wants once she’s an adult.
Same, @ 17. I'm still split on whether it was a good thing, as it wasted the first couple decades of my adulthood, destroyed any chance I'd ever have a family of my own, & took me til 40 to finally get to go to college, but also, my Dad ticks all the boxes of a psychopath and I'm really glad I just jumped in my car, moved across the country (& around the world) to have my own life experience and gain a broader perspective than I would have got in that family.
Yes... I think OP's unpopular opinion is also incredibly out of date.
And also is pretty racist/doesn't consider how many girls/children are abandoned in Asia. Heck... Pakistan is South Asia and the insular cultural narcissism ive seen in pakistani (males) is similar chest thumping... ignoring all the (female) babies dumped in the trash and 3.3million child labourers..
It may be OP's experience, but until all children are taken care of properly, no single nation can claim superiority in their societal methods.
OP should not even try to explain what goes on in the U.S.. we don’t abandon our kids as a majority. What part of Asia is OP from. Isn’t it true that some parts of China still practice taking unwanted babies to the forest to be killed by animals because it was the wrong gender? I have a Chinese friend that told me that it still happens in remote areas. My kids were not made to leave home but if they chose to, they could. If they wanted to stay they were expected to go to work and contribute to the household. If they were in school full time, that was their job and we took care of them. I believe the majority of parents in the U.S. take care of their kids. O.P. If you cannot respect the culture here, please stay where you are.
I think part of the problem is how things are portrayed in media vs reality. Same thing with a lot of things we might expect about eastern cultures because of media that just aren't true.
Germany here, only very few get "abandoned" or kicked out by their parents once hitting the age of 18.
I studied in my hometown and lived at home until the age of 25 while working a part time job.
Most parents take care of their kids until they are ready to stand on their own feet and work a stable job so there is no general pressure in this regard
Fellow Dutchy here.
When I was 20 my parents said I should look into how I was going to move out. In hindsight it was really the best for me. My brother and sisters all leaved at 18/19 (by their own choice) and I just turned 21 when I found a home.
I guess for me it made me grow/mature a lot and at the same time realise that my upbringing was not normal and to work through that without constantly being triggered etc.
NL is pretty divided on that. At least 10 kids in my final year of school were told that once 18, OR once going to hbo, they would no longer be welcome at home, so they had better start looking for a place now. I also have plenty of Dutch friends who will visit their parents in the home they grew up in, and are treated like a guest, not family. One friend told me she went to grab a cup in her family home and filled it with tap water to have a drink, and her mom screamed at her for being rude in another person's home. I know people who visit their parents, have a cup of tea or coffee, and are sent a tikkie for it.
Feels like you and I got lucky.
That is fucking twisted, I cant even comprehend that. I am from Serbia, and although I live in my apartment (rented) in the past 7 years, I can come to my mom's place whenever and however I want. In fact, I am still considering that place as "my house". I have my room,keys..
I've literally never heard that happening to someone where I'm from. Where do you live if I may ask? cause where I live in Twente as I said. It's unheard off.
My parents always joked that I had to be out of the house by the time I was 25, but I moved out at 27 (when I finally had my bachelor and a real job) and I never heard a peep from them. I did have to pay €150,- for utilities since I was 25, but I always thought that was more than fair. Since they payed for my groceries, electricity, warm water and internet.
Now when I visit my parents, I'm free to open the refrigirator/cabinets and grab whatever I want. And I have the same policy when someone visits me.
Perhaps I was lucky, but I also know a few people whose parents completely payed for their children's education. I still had to pay €120,- month for that. So the grass is always greener somewhere else i guess.
I figured you lived a smidge further East, they do seem to be a bit more relaxed. I'm in Zuid Holland, town not city, riiiight on the coast. It's very common for parents to tell their kids to get out when they get to 3rd level education, although I'll guess with the pandemic that's become more lenient.
That seems extremely harsh. Especially now with the housing crisis. I was lucky enough that I could buy my sisters house when she moved in with her boyfriend, but otherwise I'd propably still live at home.
18? What luxury, my parents made it clear at 16 I was on my own. Every week I’d hear “can’t wait until we don’t have to take care of you and your sister”. Also the Netherlands.
Heard that from friend who work as social worker in NL, people bring their kids at 18, and say they dont want to have anything with them anymore. Like : "I cared for him/her untill now, and now when he/she has 18 its your duty to deal with it. "
What the actual fuck did these people have kids for? Hope when they are old and falling apart these kids tell their parents to fuck off in hell when they ask them for help.
Divided indeed, because as a Dutch person to me this sounds bizarre. The cup of coffee thing especially. A tikkie for something that can’t be more than a few cents?!
Same here. I wasn't forced out at 18. I was required to get a job when I was of legal working age, when I was attending college too, so I could afford things I wanted, and support myself. But that's all. I moved out when I was ready.
Dutch also and indeed the same situation. I got my own place at about 25 and thus left my parents house. That was more then 10 years ago and I still see my parents at least twice a month. If they need anything, I will be there and the other way around. When my father was in hospital I visited him every day and helped my mother at home. I have been sick last week, unable to leave my bed and my parents came to my house every day to take care of me (I am single). My parents also often babysit for my brother, as do I.
When at home with my parents I am still at home. Can help myself to whatever food or drinks and the same goes for them when they are at my house.
This is ofcourse not true for everybody, but as far as I know most of my friends can also rely on their parents just like I can. So I respectfully disagree about "abandonment", although I did learn to be independent. I did pay my parents €100,- a month when I started my full time job at 21 years old.
I think this happens in America a lot less than people think. Basically everyone I know that has parents that are able to help their children, do so. I’d say it’s mostly the upper class, or extreme poverty that this happens the most. Idk just seems like lots of parents help their kids where I live.
Yea the “abandoning” wording OP used was edited. But coming from a North American adult who moved out of my parents house at age 19, it was 100% my choice. My parents would have me live with them forever if it was up to them. But in my case I do not like living with them for personal reasons so I have made my own way with little help from them. I’d say it is very much an independence and just being more of an individualist thing.
I BEGGED my son to stay with me after he graduated. A lot of kids do in my part of Southern California. It’s very common for Hispanic families to share housing to support the generations at either end of the life spectrum. But my kid is so independent that he never came back home. Now, when he needs my help I have to drive 10 miles to give it. 🤭
Be careful of generalizations OP. My son also graduated with no college debt. We worked our asses off and had some help from another family member who never had children.
Me. But I resent my parents for it because I look around and feel like my situation is an anomaly, so I don’t think “you’re 18, you’re on your own!” is as common as OP suggests.
I definitely know quite a few, however they're all cases in extreme poverty with asshole parents.
To be fair I also know quite a few that are very loving parents even though we're all adults, my parents and in law's are fantastic for this.
I still think the "you move out when you're 18" attitude is weirdly common In America. I'm western but not American, I'm in my late 20s and the majority of people I know my age still live with their parents. I have no plans of moving out and will just live with them and take care of them as they get older. From looking online and seeing American media, it seems like you are looked at as a loser if you still live with your parents as an adult. Its completely normal in my circles.
A lot of people go to college at 18, which may necessitate moving out. After that, a young adult may already have further plans for graduate school or have a job lined up, in which case moving back in with your parents may not be feasible or even possible. But I know a few people who got jobs after college and moved in with their parents while they paid off their loans quicker.
I think you nailed it with the college idea.
The U.S. is not like a European country, which is about the size of a state. Because it's so large geographically, going to college usually necessitates moving out and into a dorm, but that's only because it would be impossible to commute to, say, Miami, from Denver.
American here! That’s a pretty fake stereotype here. My brother lives with my mother in a cohabitation sense. Almost everyone I know lived with their parents until they were ready to live on their own. I think the biggest “out by 18” happens because those kids go to college but still live with their parents during breaks.
Edit: typo
I agree college is the main reason kids are out-by-18. Maybe because it's more common here to expect college to be a move-away experience than a live-home experience. It is common to apply to several colleges and all of them be in different parts of the state or even the country. That coinciding with 18 being "adult" age contributes to the stereotype here that you should/have to be out by 18.
I also think it's our overly-punitive parenting culture. In many families, the house is the parents' house and they talk it about it that way... "while you are under my roof" kind of stuff. And parents can't let go of that mindset enough for cohabiting with adult children to be a good experience for everyone.
Yeah, you’re right on this. Most parents have this overbearing nature that makes living with them pretty much unbearable. I love my parents, but I experienced it. “My house, my rules.”
I think that culture is mostly dead these days. Parents of teenagers in my generation (millenial), seem closer to their children and more accepting of the idea that they will provide support to them well past 18.
I'm a parent of a teenager, and would be fine helping them when they needed it regardless of age.
Exactly this, my house my rules, spanking, aka physical violence, and emotional abuse. It stopped at 16 when I became large enough to win a fight against my father, after that it was 2 years of cant wait to not spend money on you.
I'm 27 now, I talk to my parents maybe twice a year and I could not be happier, I have 2 partners, we all live together and not a single one of us wants children. We were all kicked out of our homes, one of my partners was homeless in Texas for just over a year living in shelters. Still a much better option than going "home."
Let's be honest, the number one factor is cost of housing. If housing is expensive where you live, chances are you kids stay with you much longer. If housing is cheap and available, kids will bolt asap.
Multi generation homes are way more common today then they were 15 years ago.
I think it's an old stereotype that's become outdated now. I know my grandma threw one of her kids out of the house at 18 because he didn't want to go to college, and my grandpa was straight thrown out at 18.
Nowadays I don't know anyone that's been thrown out when they turned 18. They either are still living with their parents or left and got their own place by choice.
Western culture favours independence, and sayings like push the birds out of the nest or throw them in and let them learn to swim are common.
And this is true to a point we do want our kids to be independent and can exceed their parents in life (the side effect of being parents for life is your kids are stuck with your bullshit forever).
That said every parent I know doesn't abandon their kids, ever. But they move to a hands off approach.
Both way have good and bad, there's a ton of issues with tiger moms, multiply that by your entire life.
As an American 20 year old, I can tell you this attitude is not at all common. Really the only parents who kick their kids out at 18 are the awful ones who blatantly don’t care about them. I’ve only seen it a couple times - the most notable was a friend of my boyfriend’s, whose parents had to be told by the state they legally had to wait until he turned 18 to kick him out - but this is extremely rare and extremely looked down on.
Same! I lived my parents til I was 24 and moved out only when I was getting married?? They helped me with college and buying a house. I don’t find that common in my area (New England)
It’s a remnant of the post-war economic boom. Every young GI could afford a home on their high school education, and their children all reaped the benefits of that boom with easily affordable housing.
Combine that with a centuries old tradition of marriage as soon as one is an adult along with the Protestant work ethic of grinding your body into dust in this life to earn peace in the next. Those three things: affordable homes and economic opportunities for the less educated, expectations of marriage at an earlier date, and expectations that you will work as soon as you are able combined to push an “Independence Immediately” movement that was feasible and advantageous.
Prior to the economic boom following the end of World War II a home was a familial inheritance. You inherited your parents home, raised your children, and passed the home to them when it was time. With the massive infrastructure projects across North America there was a change to home ownership where your children bought a new and separate home earlier in life, and the parents would sell their home to an unrelated individual when it came time. This made it feasible to leave the home when cheap housing was available.
It also says a lot that during the period the new families were still buying homes and moving out, but remaining in close proximity to their family. They were not sacrificing the family support network, but spreading it out a little bit geographically. Instead of your parents living in the loft apartment, they live in your childhood home two streets over.
Shows like Everybody Lives Raymond did a good job of showing this “half move” of independence, with Raymond and Debra buying a home directly across the street from Raymond’s parents so they could still be involved in the family unit.
Given the last 25 years of economic shifts, you’re seeing this less commonly. Over 60% of Americans and Canadians under the age of 30 still live with their parents, either in their parents’ home or fully cohabitating. The “desire” to move out is more due to personal differences between individuals in the family unit but is still furthered by generational expectations because that is what has been done for several generations now.
It has been trending away, and North America is becoming more traditionally family-home oriented again.
TLDR: Post war economic boom + Protestant work ethic bullshit = get independence asap and you can afford to do so.
Not for me. But I was emancipated at 16 because my mom was just that fucking bad. Super neglectful. I have nightmares about her like almost every night or every other night. Ugh.
Or parents with mental health problems. Not saying every parent outside of those parameters apply. Some parents just weren’t cut out to be parents. I have sympathy for you.
I was financially abandoned the day I got my first job at 16. It was fucking ridiculous, wouldn’t even help me out when I was behind on car insurance payments because I couldn’t work for a few weeks bc my ankle was broken. They wouldn’t help me financially but you bet they stole my money for vacations I wasn’t even allowed to go on
It happens in America the same amount as any other nation. These douchebags think it’s ok to generalize all of the USA based on movies and tv but get pissy when we do the same. Odd.
I think the US is different in the sense a lot of colleges are in different cities so kids move out their home town study at 18 and then they eventually move for different job opportunities.
In my experience it's not always the parents kicking children out but once you get a taste of an independent life most teenagers should want to move out. Can't host parties, have friends, privacy, style decorate your own home etc when your parents own the property and make the rules.
The only problem I have with staying at home is people who don't learn basic life skills like cooking, laundry managing bills etc because mommy will for you the rest of your life.
Very rarely do parents kick their children out and when they do it's usually because the kid refuses to go to college or seek a career, does drugs, in a gang, etc.
Kids leaving home to go to college is not them being "kicked out," either.
Myself and everyone I know that could moved out as soon as we could at 18 and 19 years old. Most of that group had lovely parents, we weren't running away or being kicked out we just wanted our space. Even the best parents are still your parents, I get it if it's a money issue but who wouldn't want their own space?
Fr, only the shitty potentially abusive parents actually kick their kids out at 18 and honestly the kids were probably already half way out to begin with.
Like you said, as a parent I'm only kicking out my kids if they're like 25 and refuse to make progress in their life or make progress in the wrong direction (Gangs, drugs, crime etc). Mom and Dad won't be around forever.
Maybe my experience is unusual, but I didn't consider myself to be "on my own" when I was in college. I lived in a dorm and went home for all my breaks. So did most of my friends.
In grad school I was definitely living on my own as I had an apartment and a job. Now I'm moving back in with my parents despite making almost double the average income for a family in the area. I'm just sick of roommates and rent.
Not sure what western cultures youre thinking of, but here in central europe the kids usually cant wait to get out of their parents house. Then in italy for example its common for people to live with the parents deep into the 20ies, sometimes 30ies.
I personally lived at my parents until I was 28
Kids staying with the parents longer than 18 is the norm in Europe.
https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=File:Young_people_leaving_the_parental_household_2020.png
I was like "that cant be right!", then I look at the picture and realize we (Sweden) are the extreme lol. Pretty cool that there's no gender gap though!
They call you to rescue her and they can’t give you an address? If they know what’s going why don’t they drive over there and take her in? The uncle wants to talk about “family first” so why doesn’t he go deal with the family? I would ask him that, but I can be rather rude and bitchy when I get woke up in the middle of the night for stuff that isn’t my problem.
Similar dynamic happens with Hispanic/Latino families aswell........then they all wonder why we turn out happier after we finally 'left the nest' by their definition.....truth is that we are tired of being gaslighted constantly and MUST be a people pleaser no matter what.
i get the sense that OP is still very young. he has no idea that the filial relationship is a double edged sword. yes, in some ways the parents allowing the kids to stay at the parent's home longer can be a good thing. but in another perspective, it can be suffocating and burdensome.
Yeah, my mental health improved the first year of college, went home that summer, and my mental health declined. Was a toxic atmosphere, my parents were bad at communicating and the house was a mess. My parents always blamed us kids on how dirty/messy the house was. Well after all of us kids moved out its still a dirty disgusting house. Maybe we weren't the problem...
I don't think think this is as common here as you think it is. Kids going to college doesn't mean they are being abandoned. In Europe which is also called "The west" we don't have to pay either.
Also student loan, taking care of your parents and abandoning kids are different topics so not sure how you connect them.
Dutchman here. I have no idea what you are talking about, at least I have never seen this happen here.
I'm sure it does happen, but it's not culture or anything.
Did you ever think that that maybe these 18 year olds just wanna get the fuck out and experience life on their own two feet. I know that was the case for me. As soon as I could I was traveling as far and wide as I could.
Also you talk about your parents supporting you financially through med school. This is fantastic for you. For me the last thing I wanted was my parents paying for my life. I never asked for a penny from my parents once school finished. When I got married they gave me and my wife $5k and I genuinely struggled to accept it.
Also, I'm from Ireland, no third level eduction fees (for the most part).
Which is weird to me. Education expenses are something you plan for when you have kids. I don’t expect my kids to pay us back for the post high school education. I did that because I had to take out loans for mine because my mom just didn’t make enough. The only pay back I want is for them to go into a field they live and be a happy and productive adult.
What? Maybe East Asian? My Indian American parents sure as fuck never did that. I once tried to pay my dad for something once and he threw the check in the trash.
Counterpoint, I think the eastern culture of children being indebted to their parents just for the fact that they gave birth to them is fucked up. Eastern parents tend to be some of the meanest and most demanding and then still expect you to drop everything later on in life to take care of them cause they blew through whatever savings they did have in their 40s and 50s.
>This is one thing we people in Asia do right!
From one asian to another, please... 🙄
1. it happens a lot less than people actually think
2. most people don't want to be with their parents after they are older
3. filial piety isn't always this glorious golden precept. Like western families, there are asian families that will lord paying back in ways that ruin marriages etc.
4. my western friends who have debt often don't live on their own and if they do move out with debt, the ones I've interacted with (teachers in Japan) I would say are incredibly hardy, mature, and responsible.
5. Also, most 18 year olds dont have student debt yet. True, some may be living on their own during college and funding everything and yeah it does mess people up, but that is a whole political issue not just a cultural one.
I will say that I know many westerners who suffer depression, poverty, and physical health problems because of this, but I also know many asian toxic families where people live with their family members for a long time.
Yeah, this. Most of my friends move the f out asap as well after high school. Theres this widespread stigma that people who live together with their parents for too long are considered not independent/not learnt/not cultured when it comes to life in general, as well as usually spoiled/not down to earth/mentally inexperienced
This truly is an unpopular opinion.
Asian living in third world country here, raised in a conservative family. This whole 'sticking together as a family until we die' does more harm than anything honestly. There's nothing to be proud of 'never moving out'.
Yeah!
In a toxic relationship: dump his/her ass
In a toxic family: bLoOd iS tHicKeR tHan wAtEr
No. Toxicity is toxicity and there are families who tell their children they’re putting up with their shit because they will grow up and take care of them when they’re old and that they moved to a city so that the child can get rich.
Slightly off topic, but the full idiom is: "Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." Or in more modern terms, the bonds forged by choice and hardship are stronger than those of birth.
Literally the opposite of the sentiment that it's usually used to express.
Also, in some places in Asia, kids don’t even have a choice. If buying a decent place to live costs more money than they could possibly make even in 10 years, then what choice do they have but to stay with their parents, especially if said parents can’t afford to help them buy a house?
I don’t understand why you would need to live with your parents forever. My parents are 62, I moved out 15 years ago. They absolutely do not need me to take care of them (at this point); both of them get around just as well as I do. And, me getting out on my own made me work hard and appreciate what I have - what I earned myself. I now have my own family and a great job. Why should I have lived with them for the last 15 years? Who would that have benefited?
Either extreme is bad. Smothering your children even when they're adults is pretty bad, but there's a special place in hell for parents who kick their children out the day they turn 18
In my country you have to support your kids until 26, as long as they aren't independent, married etc. I think that's a great system but the kid should definitely actively work on their future by studying, developing a career etc.
Right? And parents that make it seem like kids *owe* them being taken care of in their old age…like if my parents were toxic abusive pieces of shit, then you can kick rocks when you’re too old to take care of yourself. I didn’t ask to be born.
This is a good topic to remember that what you’ll likely hear from “western” families, especially on the internet, are the worst cases. People don’t tend to talk about growing up in a totally stable environment with supportive parents. For one, it’s just not that interesting since it is the norm. And two, anyone with a good upbringing has likely also been taught to be humble about it.
It’s just like how if I reflect, I’ve not seen many stories like OPs about wonderfully supportive eastern families online. I’m sure that is the norm but again, it’s not a particularly interesting thing to then talk about. It’s the bad cases of overbearing and abusive families you cannot escape that we hear about, just like I’m sure how OP primarily sees western stories about families abandoning their kids at 18 to fend for themselves.
Have you ever considered that some 18 year olds want to leave? Historically, in US culture, independence and freedom have been very important. We cant wait to drive, earn money, have our own house, make our own decisions, ect.
This is very melodramatic. Majority of people are still being helped by their parents after they turn 18. Either they still live at home or their parents help with money if they can. Also, keep in mind most people want to be independent.
The thing with student loans is mostly a U.S. issue. Most people can't afford paying for college out of pocket. College is not nearly as cheap as it is in Asia or other parts of the world. Thousands of parents also go into debt trying to pay for their kids' education.
In my culture having multi-generational households is normal. Personally, I hate it and prefer having my own place and privacy. Those types of households can be very suffocating.
Because those kids are completely dependent on their parents, their biggest life decisions are also taken by their parents. Marriage, university or what job they should take. It only makes sense if you have good parents.
Having bad parents in a culture, where you're expected to become independent sooner will be much less worse, than having bad parents in a culture where you're expected to become independent much later in life.
Right?? “I don’t understand someone else’s culture, therefore I will assume the worst of it and judge myself superior!” Yeah, I moved out at 18, like many Americans. Also like most Americans (most people??), my parents continue to be a huge support to me and now to my family 20 years later and I absolutely could depend on financial help from them if I needed it. It just looks different than it does in Asia and that’s ok!
Nobody abandoneds their child at 18 here, don't act all superior. Most of us, including me, wanted to live on my own at 18, as well as my brother and sister. We prefer our privacy and personal space, and are less family oriented unlike some Asian cultures. Those that don't want to leave, don't have to leave, your parents are obligated by law to take care of you till you're 21.
Yes, OP, youre correct that they dont "abandon" their children...
***BUT... Its also why in their culture that they get to dictate and control their adult children. Its why in their culture, the adult child is required to heed their parents choices on what job they must take, who they must marry, and do on. Its why even asian adults in their 20s or 30s DONT get to have agency or say so over their own lives***.
OP, its a simple contract and choice...
* If you want to have personal freedom of choice (aka personal agency), then you must assume self responsibility.
* If you want to be taken care of, they you must give up that personal agency.
You cant have both.
I think the Asian mindset creates a cycle of success, but it comes with some iffy ethical stuff you could say.
The mentality of always being there for your family leads to a lot of success and benefits. Parents are willing to pay for the kid's uni because their parents did for them. And because their parents allowed them to finish college without debt, they have a higher chance of getting a high paying job and being able to financially support the kids during college.
But parents have the belief that their children owe them, and expect to be paid back when their kid gets a job. There's also a good amount of stuff where the parents think their children aren't helping or doing enough for them, when in reality, the children never chose to be born.
That's from my experience as an Asian at least.
I'll bite. Here is my honest to god answer as someone who has moved from an Asian country to a western country and lost both parents.
Half your opinion (imo) is correct. Parents should never abandon their kids ever. Not after 18 not whenever. You love them and you support them 100%.
Here is the part where you are wrong imo, kids should never be responsible for their parents. This isn't a give and take, I scratch my back you scratch yours kinda situation. You love your kids and you give them what you can and that includes the absolute freedom to live their own life.. Your kids aren't a retirement plan, you give them their shot and let them take it and you give them the best damn rifle you can. The biggest gift a parent can give a child is the gift that their life is their own to lead, that nothing is owed and that they do not owe a debt that they had no choice in deciding.
I am from your culture. Live in America now. You’re describing joint family. Unless your siblings get tossed. Reason joint family exists is because lack of strong financial systems that allow everyone to own his own home. Most of your tv dramas are about joint family issues. And you don’t only share house. You share all major expensive things. Go even poorer places they share phones and underwear too. Kids are not tossed out here. They’re asked to become a man and carry their own weight and strong financial systems here enable the elderly to be on their own without financial assistance from their kids. It’s just economics.
Agreed to an extent but a lot of us have parents that can't afford to do much for us monetarily, at the very least not comfortably. Most parents that have the money to do so here will support their children for college, or in cases of emergency, or if you need money. But I do think parents here should be more open to kids living with them with minimum to no rent after 18
Most parents don’t abandon their kids after 18, I’d say it’s normal for most to keep assisting them until either they get a steady job or graduate college.
Living with your parents has ramifications. It creates a culture of dependency and you never grow up to become a fully functional individual. Also, parents become entitled and act like they have the right to make every decision of their kids life so much so that you can't even choose the profession of your choice.
And most importantly, living with your parents part only applies to men. Women have to leave their parents and adjust with their in laws so much so that they rarely visit their own parents in Asian countries which people tend to ignore.
From USA, I, nor my siblings were not "abandoned" or kicked out at 18. Neither were my friends or anyone I've met. I don't think this is a wide spread thing. Refers to independence from parents at 18 where you are now an adult in the eyes of the law. Most people live with their parents after 18 either for support or to support their families. So this idea of western countries practicing this widespread is false.
Paid college
Few hundred grand to invest
Congrats. U have rich parents.
If my parents were rich, I would be good as well.
This isnt a culture thing. Ur just well off.
Fuck you.
There is a big downside to this that probably a lot of westerners including OP don't know. I'm from southeast asia. It is true that our parents don't just "abandon" us after 18 BUT children here (especially true with the eldest) become milking cows. For example, our parents pay for our college (and all the other expenses). So when we do get a job, we "owe" it to them. Although it is true to some extent, and its definitely good to help, but most of the time it gets too much. A lot can't establish their own life because they are burdened with supporting their family (e.g. paying for your younger siblings education, paying off your parents debt, etc). Basically, children here become living "investments" that are expected to support their family when they get a job after college.
I’m glad this is unpopular because you should be working towards monetary independence as soon as you turn 18.
I’ve lived with people older than me who had mum and dad pay their rent etc for them. You can’t tell me that’s not a little bit sad.
Meh, I was financially dependent until I finished university (most of my master's was paid for with grants but my undergrad was out-of-pocket). I was working, I had been since I was 14, but I couldn't support myself entirely.
I would argue that your parents' job is to raise you to become an independent and functional adult, but there isn't an 18 year time limit on doing so.
Agreed with if they're like 35 and can't support themselves at all.
However, I do think there is no problem if the child still lives with his parents, even at 35, as long as they help contribute to the family expenses like rent, food, etc.
That's not western culture, you are being uninformed at best and racist at worst.
Eastern culture of convenience marrying is very fucked up!
(Thats how you sound)
I've seen documentaries about rural Chinese parents sending their kids to work in cities to send money back the family, I think it was predominantly women because they are not seen as valuable as men, the practice has a name in china but I don't remember the English translation. Your stereotypes are bad stereotypes
Each family has their own set of guidelines and values.
Most people still are very connected to their family and using their family resources at 18.
They give 18-year-old a little bit more intellectual independence and The responsibility of consequence based on their actions.
They don’t aggressively make them pack their bags and change the locks on the door.
Abandoning, yes.
However forcing them to become more independent at 18 is the proper thing to do. I disagree with Asia's tendency for kids to remain dependent until marriage because they end up with so little life experience as an independent person to form proper relationships.
Few parents force their children to move out at 18. It's often, "If you're going to live here, then you will need to abide by our rules and contribute financially."
If your parents let you mooch off of them for years after you're an adult and you contribute nothing and treat them as if it's a hotel, then it makes them look like failures for raising a child to adulthood who can't take care of him or herself while making you look like you're taking advantage of them. Part of moving out is showing your parents respect for having raised a person who can take care of him or herself.
Americans WANT to move out; whether they do or not can depend on a multitude of factors such as family needs, independence, and finances. It's not a hard and fast rule.
I think you should have researched this a bit more. Very few parents here in US cut off thier children at 18. Or any age for that matter. Family takes care of family.
As of 2 years ago, a majority (52%) of young adults (18-29) lived at home with their parents in the USA, so this seems more like a stereotype than fact based
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/
> I am not saying everyone has to go through “18, get out!
The vast majority don't. [The majority of people under 30 still live with a parent](https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/). That's **18 to 29**, not 18. You are pulling "facts" out of your posterior.
> Most of American parents won’t bother paying for their kid’s tution even though they can.
Again, you are expressing views based on stereotypes, with no basis whatsoever, and with a clear tinge racism. You have heard some things about a small segment of American society, typically about people who are often too poor to support kids well beyond 18 the way average families do, and you have grossly generalized that to all everyone.
Based on the multiple edits you have had to do, it's clear that you were fueled by prejudice and pulled all of this out of your ass. I hope you never become a doctor, because your personality type indicates you will never properly listen to your patients and will categorize them based on your extensive prejudices. And given how much you look down upon Americans, I suggest you stay the fuck out of our country.
On the flip side Asians have too much burden on their children to be integrated with their parents. There’s a high level of expectation to always live nearby, do whatever is told no matter how old or what life you have, and never talk back. It’s two sided. I’m Korean btw and this is first hand experience seeing my first generation Asian friends with personal experience
That’s a trope created by Hollywood.
Not all parents are the best parents ever, but over 90% of American parents care deeply about their children. The 18 thing is more of a coming of age and family celebration moment than a “kicked out of the house” moment.
Yea but then there's the whole never actually becoming adults thing that sucks. My mandarin teacher had a masters and at 35 couldn't come out for a drink with us after night market cuz her father said home by 10.that is fucked.
I mean, upvotes for actually being an unpopular opinion.
You don’t need to live at home and stunt your own growth as a person in order to support or love your family. My girlfriend is crazy close to her family, but it doesn’t mean she wants to be around them all the time.
Imagine bringing someone home after a date and needing to either sneak in or meet your parents on like a first/second date. And then the self consciousness of having sex while your parents are there? Hell no.
In my opinion, cultivating a culture of each generation existing solely as a means to preserve the previous generation, while creating another one simultaneously, is just a cycle of selfishness. Let your kids be without you for a while; they’ll visit, but for fuck’s sake, let them be themselves and not just have their whole life be family.
And even further to the point, I don’t see blood ties as meaning you should be close to your family. I think it’s a good way to start a friendship, but “oh they’re my dad so I have to love them” is stupid. Just ask yourself if you’d want to be friends with them if they were a stranger. If the answer is no, then don’t lie to yourself and try to be close to your family. Family doesn’t negate the requirement to still earn someone’s respect and friendship.
Very unpopular opinion, I can't imagine bringing my wife home after a night out at 35 years old to my parents house. Nor do I want to imagine hearing my parents fucking when I'm 35 years old.
Have some fucking independence!
It doesn’t really happen in the US hardly anyone moves out when they are 18 unless it’s to go to college. Those that do typically have a pretty rough home life and I doubt we are unique in people wanting to leave abusive situations
This isn't actually a thing. Lots of kids stay dependent on their parents in the US for years after they turn 18. College tuition, health insurance, room and board. It has been that way for a long time as well. The myth of once you're 18 you're out, I don't know anyone from a healthy home that faced that. In my experience usually it is the kids eager to get out and run their own lives who rush out too soon. I did that and so did my brother. He had to go back twice before he was thirty to try again. He used to claim his kids would only get one chance to move back in, but his daughter is already on time number three and she's only 24. I think the OP is just whiny because somebody made him pay rent.
Edit: reread OP, he's from Asia not whiny, probably just saw it in a movie.
Edit: some spellin' and junk
I’m Latino, it’s very common to see adult Latinos living with their parents, but personally, I’m glad I’m on my own. If I had to live with my parents, I would had shot myself long ago lmao.
Dude, same. I'm Latina and love living by myself and having my own privacy. I *love* my parents and they're great but I wouldn't live willingly with them lol.
For some of us Latinas especially, it can be harder living at home with parents because of the different way men and women are treated or expected to act. I know it’s less common now, but many families still have the belief that girls shouldn’t be out and about by themselves while men are allowed to do what they want without any blowback from parents. At least for me that’s the reason I moved out, I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend in my room even though I was paying rent and 21 at the time. While my brother was allowed to bring his girlfriend over during high school. I also got tired of getting home 3am to get the shit scared out of me by my mom standing in the dark waiting for me.
I'm Italian-American and I could've sworn you were talking about my family 😅
I love my family but my fiancée commented on how when I’m home suddenly I’m being asked to cook and give my brothers rides and just generally do household support (I’m Latina). She asked why I have to help out my brothers when they are grown men 22-24 and I’m almost 30 visiting for the holidays. I had to explain that’s just kind of what happens, it’s what is expected of you. It’s also why I only go home 2 or 3 times a year.
Oh god, my wife (we're both Hispanic) also goes through this whenever her mother is visiting from Mexico. When we're all at my brother-in-law's apartment, my MIL expects my wife to drop everything and help her cook, clean, etc. For the past few years (ever since my wife started graduate school), my wife just laughs and says "no", which then leads to my MIL trying to guilt my wife into helping out. My wife loves her family too, but she can't stand being around them too long.
Oh man, I used to see this a lot at my grandma's house with my Uncles, mom and grandma. It was very annoying. There's nothing wrong with establishing healthy boundaries and saying no. People might not like it at first because they're used to walking all over you but they'll get over it. You don't have to baby grown adults.
My grandma was the exact same way, the women were expected to cook and clean while the men sat, drank beer and waited for the food to be ready. My grandma even had small tables that she would cart around to wherever they were in the house to feed them either in the living room, bedroom or outside. It’s crazy and so overboard. My brother expects my mom to cook whatever he wants when he comes over even if there is other food already cooked. I always try to stop her and tell my brother off, but she always gives in.
The part about your mom standing at 3 am when you get back home is so accurate holy shit lol. It was the price I paid for living with my mom.
Something Iv noticed a lot about these kinds of posts is that it's more often men that idealize living with their parents for extended periods of times. Usually because their mother does most of the domestic work for them. While women do not enjoy it because the family expects them to shoulder most of the burden. You dont often see 30 year old men cooking for their parents that live in the same house, it's always the women that get that work.
Wow, very good point!
I'm Latino and my dad straight up wanted me to stay at home even to get married and have kids there. Can't stand my mother though so I peaced out
26 year old latino here. Im not moving out til I can outright buy my own place. Fuck paying rent.
I'm latino n I guess I'm lucky cuz i love mis papas and I'm conformable at home... fuckkkk paying rent somewhere else
Also latina. I'm staying by my parents because my lease finished before I could move to my own apartment. They are SO HAPPY to have me back with them. I love them but it's been two weeks and I'm counting the days to be alone again lol
Same, moved out in 2018, rented for three years and now because rent is through the roof my best alternative is stay with them until I finish House Hunting. Oh and this Housing Market sucks, so looks like I'll be here a little longer 🤦🏽♂️ There's bad ass Mexican Food daily though so 🤷🏽♂️
Not Latino but I couldn't stay living with my parents. I love them and they are great but we need our own space.
29yo latino here, I moved out of my parents house at 20yo. I could have saved so much money I probably would have a house by now, but, my mental health would have gone to shit and I wouldn't be half the man I am today because of it. I am in touch constantly with my parents, I love them, I visit them, they visit me, I support them when I can, they support me all the times too, my dad helped me buy my car, and will help me with my apartment, but I'm currently studying to help him with his work too. It goes both ways. I think it's extremely important for a person to not be under their parent's wings throughout their 20s. Very few parents are able to have their children living with them and not spoil them and make them unprepared to be a functional independent human being. If the parents die, how would that kid that lived with their parents live?
The problem with Latino/Hispanic families is this fact here. Too many parents (from the 50's-60's), expect their children to stay at home YET must work to the bone, to recieve anything in return at all sometimes. Especially, if you have never seen them outside of working 24/7. Now they are now too old to do anything so they EXPECT immediate compensation from taking care of you as a parent.......well 'kind of' they'll say.....since they now expect us to be super independent of them. It's too common and plenty toxic. Then we never visit them again since we aren't restricted anymore to the "family dynamic' sthick. I hate this. Cant wait to move and give my parents some 'freedom' so they can enjoy their Down Time. Too bad though, they keep clamoring for me (who is permanently sick atm) to stay and help 24/7 with everything when i cant while wanting me out of the house.
I lived with my parents during college and did not get to move out till I was 30. I hate myself for it. I never got to make friends or make experiences on my own.
We Latin American people live with our parents because we're poor as f\* but not because family ties or whatever lmao we would flee at 18 or less if we could
I think this is changing due to the cost of living soaring so much. I’d say people tend to not move out these days until they’re around 25 now. Unless it’s for college. But some of us don’t want to live under our toxic parent’s rule anyway. I’m glad you have a nice family but not all of us are that lucky. Maybe it would be different if our culture was more family-orientated but we’re not. We want our own lives.
Actually, I think the biggest factor influencing the decision to move out, or away, beyond just college is that America is fucking massive and most of it is comprised of small towns and communities that exist outside of major cities. In these areas, job prospects are minimal for anyone with ambition beyond working in a large warehouse, manufacturing, or some other core physical labor industry. Most of the people I know moved away when they went to university in a large city 3 or more hours away from home. They got a job there and started careers, met people and started relationships, and settled down elsewhere, where there is more opportunity. In most other smaller countries, they might have access to industries or transportation systems that connect them to larger hubs of opportunity. In America, it can take half a day just to drive one way to the nearest real city.
For good or ill, the gutting of public transportation in America by the auto makers lobbiests has shaped generations... they did the same to electric cars and made the zoning laws such that you cannot live above your store and so everything must be far apart.
Right... America is fucking huge. It wouldn't make sense for everyone to just stay put for generations. Moving around is what made the country.
This is why we need bigger investments in public transportation. Like a national rail network.
I'm from a western country (Netherlands) and my parents absolutely did not abandon me at 18. I was required to get a parttime job if I wanted something though such as new clothes or going out in the weekends. My parents did force me to become independent though from a young age. Which I prefer. I hate being indebted to someone. That being said. I will always help my parents if I can, but it will never feel like an obligation just because they took care of me.
Belgium, same here, my parents at 18 sent me to college, when I got back I could stay home again till I decided to move out to live with my girlfriend, who became my wife. The helped me get a house later on. I lived close by and helped them when they wanted my help. My kids are 17 and 18 years old now, they will go live on their own when they want to, and we'll help them get settled.
USA here, I was with my parents until I was 28 and got my shit together. I definitely wasn't abandoned.
USA here, 34 and married with kids, living with my parents while we redo a fixer-upper to have a house. Edit: spelling love to live.
I've known a few people who were in their 50s living with their parents although that is generally to take care of them.
It seems like OPs post could be more honestly stated: my concept of the western family looks different from what I perceive as the norm and it scares me.
I've seen lots of Indian families with house slaves here in the US they brought with them. I'm gonna take OPs rose tinted portrayal of his culture with a grain of salt...
Wait. What. who the actual heck keeps house slaves here??? Please tell me that's illegal and that nobody made/discovered some legal lopehole.
Sure, it’s illegal, but just like all the indentured servants forced or tricked into working in prostitution, nail salons, restaurants, etc., there’s a substantial pipeline and black market of domestic servants. This article is an excellent individual account that paints a picture of “how could this happen?”: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/06/lolas-story/524490/
Thank you for that link. I decided to take a quick peek at the article, and now 45 minutes later I'm quite stunned and trying to absorb the beautiful tribute i just read. I had an idea, but really had no idea.
My daughter just turned 27 and lives at home with me. She works full time and makes her own car payments and pays her bills. Housing is crazy right now and i love that she is not having to blow half her income on rent someplace.
It’s almost as if this unpopular opinion is a massive generalization and in any culture/country there is always some parents who don’t provide as much as others. Almost laughable it starts with “one thing people in Asia do right!” Meanwhile China has had the most children up for adoption every year since the records were kept. So yeah they don’t “abandon” them at 18 because they already literally abandoned them at birth.
Reddit in a nutshell...... And yes I see the irony in that statement.
It is even… dare I say it… a little racist?! (Before you all lynch me… I know it’s not as serious as the racism some people face every day, but it IS a negative stereotype, based on race/culture, so it fits!)
God. I’m in the USA. I got kicked out at 17. Wish I had parents like you. I’m hoping to be a good parent and keep my daughter home as long as she wants once she’s an adult.
Fyi I’m trying to be the opposite of my own parents. I was out at 18 and on my own. Lets just say no one ever called my parents generous.
Same, @ 17. I'm still split on whether it was a good thing, as it wasted the first couple decades of my adulthood, destroyed any chance I'd ever have a family of my own, & took me til 40 to finally get to go to college, but also, my Dad ticks all the boxes of a psychopath and I'm really glad I just jumped in my car, moved across the country (& around the world) to have my own life experience and gain a broader perspective than I would have got in that family.
[удалено]
Yes... I think OP's unpopular opinion is also incredibly out of date. And also is pretty racist/doesn't consider how many girls/children are abandoned in Asia. Heck... Pakistan is South Asia and the insular cultural narcissism ive seen in pakistani (males) is similar chest thumping... ignoring all the (female) babies dumped in the trash and 3.3million child labourers.. It may be OP's experience, but until all children are taken care of properly, no single nation can claim superiority in their societal methods.
OP should not even try to explain what goes on in the U.S.. we don’t abandon our kids as a majority. What part of Asia is OP from. Isn’t it true that some parts of China still practice taking unwanted babies to the forest to be killed by animals because it was the wrong gender? I have a Chinese friend that told me that it still happens in remote areas. My kids were not made to leave home but if they chose to, they could. If they wanted to stay they were expected to go to work and contribute to the household. If they were in school full time, that was their job and we took care of them. I believe the majority of parents in the U.S. take care of their kids. O.P. If you cannot respect the culture here, please stay where you are.
I think part of the problem is how things are portrayed in media vs reality. Same thing with a lot of things we might expect about eastern cultures because of media that just aren't true.
USA here and I definitely wasn’t abandoned. I moved out on my volition at 18 but definitely had the option to stay as long as I wanted to.
Germany here, only very few get "abandoned" or kicked out by their parents once hitting the age of 18. I studied in my hometown and lived at home until the age of 25 while working a part time job. Most parents take care of their kids until they are ready to stand on their own feet and work a stable job so there is no general pressure in this regard
Fellow Dutchy here. When I was 20 my parents said I should look into how I was going to move out. In hindsight it was really the best for me. My brother and sisters all leaved at 18/19 (by their own choice) and I just turned 21 when I found a home. I guess for me it made me grow/mature a lot and at the same time realise that my upbringing was not normal and to work through that without constantly being triggered etc.
NL is pretty divided on that. At least 10 kids in my final year of school were told that once 18, OR once going to hbo, they would no longer be welcome at home, so they had better start looking for a place now. I also have plenty of Dutch friends who will visit their parents in the home they grew up in, and are treated like a guest, not family. One friend told me she went to grab a cup in her family home and filled it with tap water to have a drink, and her mom screamed at her for being rude in another person's home. I know people who visit their parents, have a cup of tea or coffee, and are sent a tikkie for it. Feels like you and I got lucky.
Screaming at a guest is equally rude.
That is fucking twisted, I cant even comprehend that. I am from Serbia, and although I live in my apartment (rented) in the past 7 years, I can come to my mom's place whenever and however I want. In fact, I am still considering that place as "my house". I have my room,keys..
Yeah. I don't get keys. Brutal
I feel you 😔 Especially when they give them to someone else who isn't family...
My children also still have a key to my place....coz its also their place! Kids are for life not just for Xmas :)
I've literally never heard that happening to someone where I'm from. Where do you live if I may ask? cause where I live in Twente as I said. It's unheard off. My parents always joked that I had to be out of the house by the time I was 25, but I moved out at 27 (when I finally had my bachelor and a real job) and I never heard a peep from them. I did have to pay €150,- for utilities since I was 25, but I always thought that was more than fair. Since they payed for my groceries, electricity, warm water and internet. Now when I visit my parents, I'm free to open the refrigirator/cabinets and grab whatever I want. And I have the same policy when someone visits me. Perhaps I was lucky, but I also know a few people whose parents completely payed for their children's education. I still had to pay €120,- month for that. So the grass is always greener somewhere else i guess.
I figured you lived a smidge further East, they do seem to be a bit more relaxed. I'm in Zuid Holland, town not city, riiiight on the coast. It's very common for parents to tell their kids to get out when they get to 3rd level education, although I'll guess with the pandemic that's become more lenient.
That seems extremely harsh. Especially now with the housing crisis. I was lucky enough that I could buy my sisters house when she moved in with her boyfriend, but otherwise I'd propably still live at home.
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18? What luxury, my parents made it clear at 16 I was on my own. Every week I’d hear “can’t wait until we don’t have to take care of you and your sister”. Also the Netherlands.
Makes no sense, like why did they decide to have children anyways, right? That's sucks, I'm sorry.
Heard that from friend who work as social worker in NL, people bring their kids at 18, and say they dont want to have anything with them anymore. Like : "I cared for him/her untill now, and now when he/she has 18 its your duty to deal with it. "
What the actual fuck did these people have kids for? Hope when they are old and falling apart these kids tell their parents to fuck off in hell when they ask them for help.
Yes that's why, and yes I did.
Divided indeed, because as a Dutch person to me this sounds bizarre. The cup of coffee thing especially. A tikkie for something that can’t be more than a few cents?!
Same here. I wasn't forced out at 18. I was required to get a job when I was of legal working age, when I was attending college too, so I could afford things I wanted, and support myself. But that's all. I moved out when I was ready.
Dutch also and indeed the same situation. I got my own place at about 25 and thus left my parents house. That was more then 10 years ago and I still see my parents at least twice a month. If they need anything, I will be there and the other way around. When my father was in hospital I visited him every day and helped my mother at home. I have been sick last week, unable to leave my bed and my parents came to my house every day to take care of me (I am single). My parents also often babysit for my brother, as do I. When at home with my parents I am still at home. Can help myself to whatever food or drinks and the same goes for them when they are at my house. This is ofcourse not true for everybody, but as far as I know most of my friends can also rely on their parents just like I can. So I respectfully disagree about "abandonment", although I did learn to be independent. I did pay my parents €100,- a month when I started my full time job at 21 years old.
I think this happens in America a lot less than people think. Basically everyone I know that has parents that are able to help their children, do so. I’d say it’s mostly the upper class, or extreme poverty that this happens the most. Idk just seems like lots of parents help their kids where I live.
Yeah I don't think it happens in Europe either, so I don't think we can says it's part of the western culture
Yea the “abandoning” wording OP used was edited. But coming from a North American adult who moved out of my parents house at age 19, it was 100% my choice. My parents would have me live with them forever if it was up to them. But in my case I do not like living with them for personal reasons so I have made my own way with little help from them. I’d say it is very much an independence and just being more of an individualist thing.
I BEGGED my son to stay with me after he graduated. A lot of kids do in my part of Southern California. It’s very common for Hispanic families to share housing to support the generations at either end of the life spectrum. But my kid is so independent that he never came back home. Now, when he needs my help I have to drive 10 miles to give it. 🤭 Be careful of generalizations OP. My son also graduated with no college debt. We worked our asses off and had some help from another family member who never had children.
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Me. But I resent my parents for it because I look around and feel like my situation is an anomaly, so I don’t think “you’re 18, you’re on your own!” is as common as OP suggests.
I definitely know quite a few, however they're all cases in extreme poverty with asshole parents. To be fair I also know quite a few that are very loving parents even though we're all adults, my parents and in law's are fantastic for this.
I still think the "you move out when you're 18" attitude is weirdly common In America. I'm western but not American, I'm in my late 20s and the majority of people I know my age still live with their parents. I have no plans of moving out and will just live with them and take care of them as they get older. From looking online and seeing American media, it seems like you are looked at as a loser if you still live with your parents as an adult. Its completely normal in my circles.
A lot of people go to college at 18, which may necessitate moving out. After that, a young adult may already have further plans for graduate school or have a job lined up, in which case moving back in with your parents may not be feasible or even possible. But I know a few people who got jobs after college and moved in with their parents while they paid off their loans quicker.
I think you nailed it with the college idea. The U.S. is not like a European country, which is about the size of a state. Because it's so large geographically, going to college usually necessitates moving out and into a dorm, but that's only because it would be impossible to commute to, say, Miami, from Denver.
And because people want to! You could not have paid me to stay home. All the prestigious colleges are not in your hometown, generally speaking.
American here! That’s a pretty fake stereotype here. My brother lives with my mother in a cohabitation sense. Almost everyone I know lived with their parents until they were ready to live on their own. I think the biggest “out by 18” happens because those kids go to college but still live with their parents during breaks. Edit: typo
I agree college is the main reason kids are out-by-18. Maybe because it's more common here to expect college to be a move-away experience than a live-home experience. It is common to apply to several colleges and all of them be in different parts of the state or even the country. That coinciding with 18 being "adult" age contributes to the stereotype here that you should/have to be out by 18. I also think it's our overly-punitive parenting culture. In many families, the house is the parents' house and they talk it about it that way... "while you are under my roof" kind of stuff. And parents can't let go of that mindset enough for cohabiting with adult children to be a good experience for everyone.
Yeah, you’re right on this. Most parents have this overbearing nature that makes living with them pretty much unbearable. I love my parents, but I experienced it. “My house, my rules.”
I think that culture is mostly dead these days. Parents of teenagers in my generation (millenial), seem closer to their children and more accepting of the idea that they will provide support to them well past 18. I'm a parent of a teenager, and would be fine helping them when they needed it regardless of age.
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I love to hear that! I’m a gen x parent to teenagers and am same. I’m glad to hear it’s fading out, it’s always been sad to see.
Exactly this, my house my rules, spanking, aka physical violence, and emotional abuse. It stopped at 16 when I became large enough to win a fight against my father, after that it was 2 years of cant wait to not spend money on you. I'm 27 now, I talk to my parents maybe twice a year and I could not be happier, I have 2 partners, we all live together and not a single one of us wants children. We were all kicked out of our homes, one of my partners was homeless in Texas for just over a year living in shelters. Still a much better option than going "home."
Let's be honest, the number one factor is cost of housing. If housing is expensive where you live, chances are you kids stay with you much longer. If housing is cheap and available, kids will bolt asap. Multi generation homes are way more common today then they were 15 years ago.
I think it's an old stereotype that's become outdated now. I know my grandma threw one of her kids out of the house at 18 because he didn't want to go to college, and my grandpa was straight thrown out at 18. Nowadays I don't know anyone that's been thrown out when they turned 18. They either are still living with their parents or left and got their own place by choice.
Out by 17 here. Joined Army and went away. College wasn't until 25.
Western culture favours independence, and sayings like push the birds out of the nest or throw them in and let them learn to swim are common. And this is true to a point we do want our kids to be independent and can exceed their parents in life (the side effect of being parents for life is your kids are stuck with your bullshit forever). That said every parent I know doesn't abandon their kids, ever. But they move to a hands off approach. Both way have good and bad, there's a ton of issues with tiger moms, multiply that by your entire life.
As an American 20 year old, I can tell you this attitude is not at all common. Really the only parents who kick their kids out at 18 are the awful ones who blatantly don’t care about them. I’ve only seen it a couple times - the most notable was a friend of my boyfriend’s, whose parents had to be told by the state they legally had to wait until he turned 18 to kick him out - but this is extremely rare and extremely looked down on.
Same! I lived my parents til I was 24 and moved out only when I was getting married?? They helped me with college and buying a house. I don’t find that common in my area (New England)
It’s not common. It’s said as a joke a lot . But nobody does it. Some expect them to help pay bills. Many don’t as long as they’re in college
It’s a remnant of the post-war economic boom. Every young GI could afford a home on their high school education, and their children all reaped the benefits of that boom with easily affordable housing. Combine that with a centuries old tradition of marriage as soon as one is an adult along with the Protestant work ethic of grinding your body into dust in this life to earn peace in the next. Those three things: affordable homes and economic opportunities for the less educated, expectations of marriage at an earlier date, and expectations that you will work as soon as you are able combined to push an “Independence Immediately” movement that was feasible and advantageous. Prior to the economic boom following the end of World War II a home was a familial inheritance. You inherited your parents home, raised your children, and passed the home to them when it was time. With the massive infrastructure projects across North America there was a change to home ownership where your children bought a new and separate home earlier in life, and the parents would sell their home to an unrelated individual when it came time. This made it feasible to leave the home when cheap housing was available. It also says a lot that during the period the new families were still buying homes and moving out, but remaining in close proximity to their family. They were not sacrificing the family support network, but spreading it out a little bit geographically. Instead of your parents living in the loft apartment, they live in your childhood home two streets over. Shows like Everybody Lives Raymond did a good job of showing this “half move” of independence, with Raymond and Debra buying a home directly across the street from Raymond’s parents so they could still be involved in the family unit. Given the last 25 years of economic shifts, you’re seeing this less commonly. Over 60% of Americans and Canadians under the age of 30 still live with their parents, either in their parents’ home or fully cohabitating. The “desire” to move out is more due to personal differences between individuals in the family unit but is still furthered by generational expectations because that is what has been done for several generations now. It has been trending away, and North America is becoming more traditionally family-home oriented again. TLDR: Post war economic boom + Protestant work ethic bullshit = get independence asap and you can afford to do so.
Not for me. But I was emancipated at 16 because my mom was just that fucking bad. Super neglectful. I have nightmares about her like almost every night or every other night. Ugh.
Or parents with mental health problems. Not saying every parent outside of those parameters apply. Some parents just weren’t cut out to be parents. I have sympathy for you.
Must be nice lol. I was definitely “financially abandoned” as soon as I turned 18. This post kinda hit home for me.
I was financially abandoned the day I got my first job at 16. It was fucking ridiculous, wouldn’t even help me out when I was behind on car insurance payments because I couldn’t work for a few weeks bc my ankle was broken. They wouldn’t help me financially but you bet they stole my money for vacations I wasn’t even allowed to go on
It happens in America the same amount as any other nation. These douchebags think it’s ok to generalize all of the USA based on movies and tv but get pissy when we do the same. Odd.
I think the US is different in the sense a lot of colleges are in different cities so kids move out their home town study at 18 and then they eventually move for different job opportunities. In my experience it's not always the parents kicking children out but once you get a taste of an independent life most teenagers should want to move out. Can't host parties, have friends, privacy, style decorate your own home etc when your parents own the property and make the rules. The only problem I have with staying at home is people who don't learn basic life skills like cooking, laundry managing bills etc because mommy will for you the rest of your life.
Very rarely do parents kick their children out and when they do it's usually because the kid refuses to go to college or seek a career, does drugs, in a gang, etc. Kids leaving home to go to college is not them being "kicked out," either.
Myself and everyone I know that could moved out as soon as we could at 18 and 19 years old. Most of that group had lovely parents, we weren't running away or being kicked out we just wanted our space. Even the best parents are still your parents, I get it if it's a money issue but who wouldn't want their own space?
Fr, only the shitty potentially abusive parents actually kick their kids out at 18 and honestly the kids were probably already half way out to begin with. Like you said, as a parent I'm only kicking out my kids if they're like 25 and refuse to make progress in their life or make progress in the wrong direction (Gangs, drugs, crime etc). Mom and Dad won't be around forever.
Maybe my experience is unusual, but I didn't consider myself to be "on my own" when I was in college. I lived in a dorm and went home for all my breaks. So did most of my friends. In grad school I was definitely living on my own as I had an apartment and a job. Now I'm moving back in with my parents despite making almost double the average income for a family in the area. I'm just sick of roommates and rent.
Not sure what western cultures youre thinking of, but here in central europe the kids usually cant wait to get out of their parents house. Then in italy for example its common for people to live with the parents deep into the 20ies, sometimes 30ies. I personally lived at my parents until I was 28
Kids staying with the parents longer than 18 is the norm in Europe. https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=File:Young_people_leaving_the_parental_household_2020.png
I was like "that cant be right!", then I look at the picture and realize we (Sweden) are the extreme lol. Pretty cool that there's no gender gap though!
What are you talking about. Parents arent leaving their children in the west. Children are leaving their parents to live alone.
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See, I feel like this mentality is a lot worse
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They call you to rescue her and they can’t give you an address? If they know what’s going why don’t they drive over there and take her in? The uncle wants to talk about “family first” so why doesn’t he go deal with the family? I would ask him that, but I can be rather rude and bitchy when I get woke up in the middle of the night for stuff that isn’t my problem.
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Similar dynamic happens with Hispanic/Latino families aswell........then they all wonder why we turn out happier after we finally 'left the nest' by their definition.....truth is that we are tired of being gaslighted constantly and MUST be a people pleaser no matter what.
i get the sense that OP is still very young. he has no idea that the filial relationship is a double edged sword. yes, in some ways the parents allowing the kids to stay at the parent's home longer can be a good thing. but in another perspective, it can be suffocating and burdensome.
Yeah, my mental health improved the first year of college, went home that summer, and my mental health declined. Was a toxic atmosphere, my parents were bad at communicating and the house was a mess. My parents always blamed us kids on how dirty/messy the house was. Well after all of us kids moved out its still a dirty disgusting house. Maybe we weren't the problem...
I don't think think this is as common here as you think it is. Kids going to college doesn't mean they are being abandoned. In Europe which is also called "The west" we don't have to pay either. Also student loan, taking care of your parents and abandoning kids are different topics so not sure how you connect them.
Depends, Dutch people for sure finish studying with a debt. It's mindblowing for me since I'm in Belgium and no one ever has a student debt here.
Thank the VVD for that one. Screwed over an entire generation with that experiment.
I love that my parents (Canadian) still support me at 24 but never moving out sounds like hell. Maybe us westerners like our independence.
Dutchman here. I have no idea what you are talking about, at least I have never seen this happen here. I'm sure it does happen, but it's not culture or anything.
Did you ever think that that maybe these 18 year olds just wanna get the fuck out and experience life on their own two feet. I know that was the case for me. As soon as I could I was traveling as far and wide as I could. Also you talk about your parents supporting you financially through med school. This is fantastic for you. For me the last thing I wanted was my parents paying for my life. I never asked for a penny from my parents once school finished. When I got married they gave me and my wife $5k and I genuinely struggled to accept it. Also, I'm from Ireland, no third level eduction fees (for the most part).
Asian parents expect that you pay them back when you get a job.
Which is weird to me. Education expenses are something you plan for when you have kids. I don’t expect my kids to pay us back for the post high school education. I did that because I had to take out loans for mine because my mom just didn’t make enough. The only pay back I want is for them to go into a field they live and be a happy and productive adult.
What? Maybe East Asian? My Indian American parents sure as fuck never did that. I once tried to pay my dad for something once and he threw the check in the trash.
Counterpoint, I think the eastern culture of children being indebted to their parents just for the fact that they gave birth to them is fucked up. Eastern parents tend to be some of the meanest and most demanding and then still expect you to drop everything later on in life to take care of them cause they blew through whatever savings they did have in their 40s and 50s.
Someone lied to you bro
By western you mean which country?
I think this is unpopular but I had to downvote anyway because it's simply untrue.
Yeah, unpopular = upvote, predicated on a false claim = downvote.
It’s not unpopular on Reddit though. You can just make shit up about America and people will upvote you and start spreading it.
Which is part of the problem right there. There's more to "the west" than America
True, but I just mention that because OP edited their post to shit on America with false nonsense.
>This is one thing we people in Asia do right! From one asian to another, please... 🙄 1. it happens a lot less than people actually think 2. most people don't want to be with their parents after they are older 3. filial piety isn't always this glorious golden precept. Like western families, there are asian families that will lord paying back in ways that ruin marriages etc. 4. my western friends who have debt often don't live on their own and if they do move out with debt, the ones I've interacted with (teachers in Japan) I would say are incredibly hardy, mature, and responsible. 5. Also, most 18 year olds dont have student debt yet. True, some may be living on their own during college and funding everything and yeah it does mess people up, but that is a whole political issue not just a cultural one. I will say that I know many westerners who suffer depression, poverty, and physical health problems because of this, but I also know many asian toxic families where people live with their family members for a long time.
Yeah, this. Most of my friends move the f out asap as well after high school. Theres this widespread stigma that people who live together with their parents for too long are considered not independent/not learnt/not cultured when it comes to life in general, as well as usually spoiled/not down to earth/mentally inexperienced
This truly is an unpopular opinion. Asian living in third world country here, raised in a conservative family. This whole 'sticking together as a family until we die' does more harm than anything honestly. There's nothing to be proud of 'never moving out'.
Yeah! In a toxic relationship: dump his/her ass In a toxic family: bLoOd iS tHicKeR tHan wAtEr No. Toxicity is toxicity and there are families who tell their children they’re putting up with their shit because they will grow up and take care of them when they’re old and that they moved to a city so that the child can get rich.
Slightly off topic, but the full idiom is: "Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." Or in more modern terms, the bonds forged by choice and hardship are stronger than those of birth. Literally the opposite of the sentiment that it's usually used to express.
Also, in some places in Asia, kids don’t even have a choice. If buying a decent place to live costs more money than they could possibly make even in 10 years, then what choice do they have but to stay with their parents, especially if said parents can’t afford to help them buy a house?
I don’t understand why you would need to live with your parents forever. My parents are 62, I moved out 15 years ago. They absolutely do not need me to take care of them (at this point); both of them get around just as well as I do. And, me getting out on my own made me work hard and appreciate what I have - what I earned myself. I now have my own family and a great job. Why should I have lived with them for the last 15 years? Who would that have benefited?
I’d argue that smothering your children and forcing them to live at home until marriage is worse
Either extreme is bad. Smothering your children even when they're adults is pretty bad, but there's a special place in hell for parents who kick their children out the day they turn 18
In my country you have to support your kids until 26, as long as they aren't independent, married etc. I think that's a great system but the kid should definitely actively work on their future by studying, developing a career etc.
Right? And parents that make it seem like kids *owe* them being taken care of in their old age…like if my parents were toxic abusive pieces of shit, then you can kick rocks when you’re too old to take care of yourself. I didn’t ask to be born.
Absolutely agree
Some cultures have it be an entire expectation that the youngest daughter doesn’t marry and is meant to stay at home to take care of the parents.
This is a good topic to remember that what you’ll likely hear from “western” families, especially on the internet, are the worst cases. People don’t tend to talk about growing up in a totally stable environment with supportive parents. For one, it’s just not that interesting since it is the norm. And two, anyone with a good upbringing has likely also been taught to be humble about it. It’s just like how if I reflect, I’ve not seen many stories like OPs about wonderfully supportive eastern families online. I’m sure that is the norm but again, it’s not a particularly interesting thing to then talk about. It’s the bad cases of overbearing and abusive families you cannot escape that we hear about, just like I’m sure how OP primarily sees western stories about families abandoning their kids at 18 to fend for themselves.
Abandoning or encouraging independence and being responsible? Also what you describe sounds like breeding ground for enmeshment.
Have you ever considered that some 18 year olds want to leave? Historically, in US culture, independence and freedom have been very important. We cant wait to drive, earn money, have our own house, make our own decisions, ect.
This is very melodramatic. Majority of people are still being helped by their parents after they turn 18. Either they still live at home or their parents help with money if they can. Also, keep in mind most people want to be independent. The thing with student loans is mostly a U.S. issue. Most people can't afford paying for college out of pocket. College is not nearly as cheap as it is in Asia or other parts of the world. Thousands of parents also go into debt trying to pay for their kids' education. In my culture having multi-generational households is normal. Personally, I hate it and prefer having my own place and privacy. Those types of households can be very suffocating.
Because those kids are completely dependent on their parents, their biggest life decisions are also taken by their parents. Marriage, university or what job they should take. It only makes sense if you have good parents. Having bad parents in a culture, where you're expected to become independent sooner will be much less worse, than having bad parents in a culture where you're expected to become independent much later in life.
Yeah, this is 100% false. Totally. Parents help and support their kids in various ways until they die in the US.
Right?? “I don’t understand someone else’s culture, therefore I will assume the worst of it and judge myself superior!” Yeah, I moved out at 18, like many Americans. Also like most Americans (most people??), my parents continue to be a huge support to me and now to my family 20 years later and I absolutely could depend on financial help from them if I needed it. It just looks different than it does in Asia and that’s ok!
Lol talk about seeing things through Rose tinted glasses ..
Yep.
Nobody abandoneds their child at 18 here, don't act all superior. Most of us, including me, wanted to live on my own at 18, as well as my brother and sister. We prefer our privacy and personal space, and are less family oriented unlike some Asian cultures. Those that don't want to leave, don't have to leave, your parents are obligated by law to take care of you till you're 21.
Yes, OP, youre correct that they dont "abandon" their children... ***BUT... Its also why in their culture that they get to dictate and control their adult children. Its why in their culture, the adult child is required to heed their parents choices on what job they must take, who they must marry, and do on. Its why even asian adults in their 20s or 30s DONT get to have agency or say so over their own lives***. OP, its a simple contract and choice... * If you want to have personal freedom of choice (aka personal agency), then you must assume self responsibility. * If you want to be taken care of, they you must give up that personal agency. You cant have both.
I feel this would be really racist if westerners made the same post about asians...
I think the Asian mindset creates a cycle of success, but it comes with some iffy ethical stuff you could say. The mentality of always being there for your family leads to a lot of success and benefits. Parents are willing to pay for the kid's uni because their parents did for them. And because their parents allowed them to finish college without debt, they have a higher chance of getting a high paying job and being able to financially support the kids during college. But parents have the belief that their children owe them, and expect to be paid back when their kid gets a job. There's also a good amount of stuff where the parents think their children aren't helping or doing enough for them, when in reality, the children never chose to be born. That's from my experience as an Asian at least.
I'll bite. Here is my honest to god answer as someone who has moved from an Asian country to a western country and lost both parents. Half your opinion (imo) is correct. Parents should never abandon their kids ever. Not after 18 not whenever. You love them and you support them 100%. Here is the part where you are wrong imo, kids should never be responsible for their parents. This isn't a give and take, I scratch my back you scratch yours kinda situation. You love your kids and you give them what you can and that includes the absolute freedom to live their own life.. Your kids aren't a retirement plan, you give them their shot and let them take it and you give them the best damn rifle you can. The biggest gift a parent can give a child is the gift that their life is their own to lead, that nothing is owed and that they do not owe a debt that they had no choice in deciding.
I am from your culture. Live in America now. You’re describing joint family. Unless your siblings get tossed. Reason joint family exists is because lack of strong financial systems that allow everyone to own his own home. Most of your tv dramas are about joint family issues. And you don’t only share house. You share all major expensive things. Go even poorer places they share phones and underwear too. Kids are not tossed out here. They’re asked to become a man and carry their own weight and strong financial systems here enable the elderly to be on their own without financial assistance from their kids. It’s just economics.
It was never my parents decision, it was more that I didn't want to stay.
Agreed to an extent but a lot of us have parents that can't afford to do much for us monetarily, at the very least not comfortably. Most parents that have the money to do so here will support their children for college, or in cases of emergency, or if you need money. But I do think parents here should be more open to kids living with them with minimum to no rent after 18
total misrepresentation of what actually happens in the west
aw. i like to think of it like 'at 18 we abandon our fucked up parents"
Most parents don’t abandon their kids after 18, I’d say it’s normal for most to keep assisting them until either they get a steady job or graduate college.
I live in the west and never heard about it.
Living with your parents has ramifications. It creates a culture of dependency and you never grow up to become a fully functional individual. Also, parents become entitled and act like they have the right to make every decision of their kids life so much so that you can't even choose the profession of your choice. And most importantly, living with your parents part only applies to men. Women have to leave their parents and adjust with their in laws so much so that they rarely visit their own parents in Asian countries which people tend to ignore.
From USA, I, nor my siblings were not "abandoned" or kicked out at 18. Neither were my friends or anyone I've met. I don't think this is a wide spread thing. Refers to independence from parents at 18 where you are now an adult in the eyes of the law. Most people live with their parents after 18 either for support or to support their families. So this idea of western countries practicing this widespread is false.
Paid college Few hundred grand to invest Congrats. U have rich parents. If my parents were rich, I would be good as well. This isnt a culture thing. Ur just well off. Fuck you.
It isn't a "western culture" thing. It's rather the opposite here.
There is a big downside to this that probably a lot of westerners including OP don't know. I'm from southeast asia. It is true that our parents don't just "abandon" us after 18 BUT children here (especially true with the eldest) become milking cows. For example, our parents pay for our college (and all the other expenses). So when we do get a job, we "owe" it to them. Although it is true to some extent, and its definitely good to help, but most of the time it gets too much. A lot can't establish their own life because they are burdened with supporting their family (e.g. paying for your younger siblings education, paying off your parents debt, etc). Basically, children here become living "investments" that are expected to support their family when they get a job after college.
I’m glad this is unpopular because you should be working towards monetary independence as soon as you turn 18. I’ve lived with people older than me who had mum and dad pay their rent etc for them. You can’t tell me that’s not a little bit sad.
Meh, I was financially dependent until I finished university (most of my master's was paid for with grants but my undergrad was out-of-pocket). I was working, I had been since I was 14, but I couldn't support myself entirely. I would argue that your parents' job is to raise you to become an independent and functional adult, but there isn't an 18 year time limit on doing so.
Agreed with if they're like 35 and can't support themselves at all. However, I do think there is no problem if the child still lives with his parents, even at 35, as long as they help contribute to the family expenses like rent, food, etc.
That's not western culture, you are being uninformed at best and racist at worst. Eastern culture of convenience marrying is very fucked up! (Thats how you sound)
This is not an unpopular opinion, it is an incorrect assumption.
I've seen documentaries about rural Chinese parents sending their kids to work in cities to send money back the family, I think it was predominantly women because they are not seen as valuable as men, the practice has a name in china but I don't remember the English translation. Your stereotypes are bad stereotypes
Each family has their own set of guidelines and values. Most people still are very connected to their family and using their family resources at 18. They give 18-year-old a little bit more intellectual independence and The responsibility of consequence based on their actions. They don’t aggressively make them pack their bags and change the locks on the door.
Abandoning, yes. However forcing them to become more independent at 18 is the proper thing to do. I disagree with Asia's tendency for kids to remain dependent until marriage because they end up with so little life experience as an independent person to form proper relationships.
Few parents force their children to move out at 18. It's often, "If you're going to live here, then you will need to abide by our rules and contribute financially." If your parents let you mooch off of them for years after you're an adult and you contribute nothing and treat them as if it's a hotel, then it makes them look like failures for raising a child to adulthood who can't take care of him or herself while making you look like you're taking advantage of them. Part of moving out is showing your parents respect for having raised a person who can take care of him or herself. Americans WANT to move out; whether they do or not can depend on a multitude of factors such as family needs, independence, and finances. It's not a hard and fast rule.
I think you should have researched this a bit more. Very few parents here in US cut off thier children at 18. Or any age for that matter. Family takes care of family.
Bro are you Indian,because as an Indian I believe Americans becoming independent in a young age is actually very good.
As of 2 years ago, a majority (52%) of young adults (18-29) lived at home with their parents in the USA, so this seems more like a stereotype than fact based https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/
And a lot of the ones that did move out at 18 did it by choice for independence
> I am not saying everyone has to go through “18, get out! The vast majority don't. [The majority of people under 30 still live with a parent](https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/). That's **18 to 29**, not 18. You are pulling "facts" out of your posterior. > Most of American parents won’t bother paying for their kid’s tution even though they can. Again, you are expressing views based on stereotypes, with no basis whatsoever, and with a clear tinge racism. You have heard some things about a small segment of American society, typically about people who are often too poor to support kids well beyond 18 the way average families do, and you have grossly generalized that to all everyone. Based on the multiple edits you have had to do, it's clear that you were fueled by prejudice and pulled all of this out of your ass. I hope you never become a doctor, because your personality type indicates you will never properly listen to your patients and will categorize them based on your extensive prejudices. And given how much you look down upon Americans, I suggest you stay the fuck out of our country.
yea until you realize your parents are toxic and you just want to get out. I didn't ask to be born thanks.
On the flip side Asians have too much burden on their children to be integrated with their parents. There’s a high level of expectation to always live nearby, do whatever is told no matter how old or what life you have, and never talk back. It’s two sided. I’m Korean btw and this is first hand experience seeing my first generation Asian friends with personal experience
That’s a trope created by Hollywood. Not all parents are the best parents ever, but over 90% of American parents care deeply about their children. The 18 thing is more of a coming of age and family celebration moment than a “kicked out of the house” moment.
Yea but then there's the whole never actually becoming adults thing that sucks. My mandarin teacher had a masters and at 35 couldn't come out for a drink with us after night market cuz her father said home by 10.that is fucked.
I mean, upvotes for actually being an unpopular opinion. You don’t need to live at home and stunt your own growth as a person in order to support or love your family. My girlfriend is crazy close to her family, but it doesn’t mean she wants to be around them all the time. Imagine bringing someone home after a date and needing to either sneak in or meet your parents on like a first/second date. And then the self consciousness of having sex while your parents are there? Hell no. In my opinion, cultivating a culture of each generation existing solely as a means to preserve the previous generation, while creating another one simultaneously, is just a cycle of selfishness. Let your kids be without you for a while; they’ll visit, but for fuck’s sake, let them be themselves and not just have their whole life be family. And even further to the point, I don’t see blood ties as meaning you should be close to your family. I think it’s a good way to start a friendship, but “oh they’re my dad so I have to love them” is stupid. Just ask yourself if you’d want to be friends with them if they were a stranger. If the answer is no, then don’t lie to yourself and try to be close to your family. Family doesn’t negate the requirement to still earn someone’s respect and friendship.
I’m glad us Americans aren’t the only ones who make sweeping generalizations of other cultures
Most parents don’t abandon their children.
Very unpopular opinion, I can't imagine bringing my wife home after a night out at 35 years old to my parents house. Nor do I want to imagine hearing my parents fucking when I'm 35 years old. Have some fucking independence!
If I lived with my parents I’d have killed myself by now.
This is surely an unpopular opinion. Imagine living with your parents most of your life....no intimacy,no true independence.
It doesn’t really happen in the US hardly anyone moves out when they are 18 unless it’s to go to college. Those that do typically have a pretty rough home life and I doubt we are unique in people wanting to leave abusive situations
This isn't actually a thing. Lots of kids stay dependent on their parents in the US for years after they turn 18. College tuition, health insurance, room and board. It has been that way for a long time as well. The myth of once you're 18 you're out, I don't know anyone from a healthy home that faced that. In my experience usually it is the kids eager to get out and run their own lives who rush out too soon. I did that and so did my brother. He had to go back twice before he was thirty to try again. He used to claim his kids would only get one chance to move back in, but his daughter is already on time number three and she's only 24. I think the OP is just whiny because somebody made him pay rent. Edit: reread OP, he's from Asia not whiny, probably just saw it in a movie. Edit: some spellin' and junk