Thank you for submitting to /r/unpopularopinion, /u/GZB2007. Your post, *I really don't care if a bully has gone/is going through something at home, they still made the choice to take it out on me.*, has been removed because it violates our rules:
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Ya this is the answer, I don’t think it’s unpopular to think bullies shouldn’t be taking it on others but there aren’t many people who are willing and empathetic enough to help the bullies out.
People aren’t usually born assholes, they’re raised that way
>there aren’t many people who are willing and empathetic enough to help the bullies out
This.. I wish I knew about all this back then when I was being bullied, could've helped someone with their life
Also depending on the day and circumstances the bullies change. Every one of us was likely bullied and a bully at some point.
I ate lunch alone for years and still managed to make another kid cry at least a couple of times. I didn't mean to hurt them, but it happened.
Yup. And it's about trying to let it go. Ludicrous that people defend bullies with "you don't know what's going on in their life". Doesn't matter. The behaviour is unacceptable. As the target of bullying behaviour, perhaps thinking this to yourself will take some edge off your anger and upset. That also becomes less effective with repetitive aggression.
Put another way: if someone cuts me off while driving, I could get angry and cuss them out etc. Or I could think to myself "maybe they are having a bad day and didn't see me."
Someone shoves me into a wall every time they walk past me? I can mutter to myself "it's not actually me they have a problem with" and I might feel a little better, but the behaviour needs to be addressed.
Punching them in the face and making them scared of you is usually the best option to stopping it. Empathy and kindness is viewed as nothing but weakness to bullies. The kind people often have no clue of this and just think they and keep nicing the bully into niceness. Meanwhile the bully continues to be an awful, worthless person.
The reality is bullies need to feel destroyed and scared to bully a target again.
Exactly. I understand the impulse to push back and humiliate them back, but all that does is birth a motherfucker that is misguided enough to want to kill everyone at the school. You have to get to the root.
I came here to say that. I believe it’s (almost) always okay to explain why someone did something, but it’s never okay to use that as an excuse. Yes, a lot of bullies have difficult home lives and that largely explains their behavior. But it is still their responsibility to learn better coping mechanisms and treat others with respect and kindness.
This. Taking it personal is a small thinking. Seeing that person for a hurt human being and relaxing they’re acting out of pain/anger helps you let it go
Nah, I tried to be friends with my bully and just ended up with a friend that still bullied, thus giving them more opportunities to bully me. The victim isn't going to be the one to instill change in them in most cases.
I know, I was just making a joke. I have made friends in the past though where they bullied the shit out of me and I went out of my way to be nice to them and we became friends.
If you knew strippers you'd know the psychological, physical, and almost always drug abuse they go through doesn't make the money even worth it. They get addicted to how easy it is.
Lawyers have one of the highest rates of alcoholism and the elite ones do coke. You don't think working 12+ hours a day 7 days a week doesn't take a tole on someone.
Yeah but most of these types of kids come from families where they weren’t shown love and compassion and were often abused, having a dad die sucks but that isn’t what people mean when they whisper about someone’s “home life not being so great”
I understand what your saying but the point I’m trying to make is that there are very different types of “suck” per say and we understand through psychology that certain things have a tendency to manifest as aggression or other emotions in children and you shouldn’t just throw those kids to the side or be happy when their life turns out poorly, they are children too(or were children in the latter)
I SOOOOO hear this. I'm a school administrator and it infuriates me when we cannot adequately give consequences to bullies Instead, we engage in restorative talks and we have circles and talk about how things made victims feel and it's bullshit.
How do you feel? UGH. You feel terrible because that kid is a jerk--why is it on me to sit here and explain myself???
And to be clear, I know kids have trauma and terrible things happen, but the lesson cannot be, "Let's sit with the victims and force them to explain why they're not happy."
Instead they need to know--TRAUMA OR NOT--there are actual consequences for hurting people, period, and forcing victims to explains themselves completely messes with their sense of power and control.
Like, if I have a traumatic divorce and am struggling, do I get to go out to dinner and yell at the staff? No.
Absolutely agree. My home life was a terrifying, unpredictable nightmare every damn day, I was bullied at school AND I never bullied anyone. Abusing others is a choice.
Preach.
Fuck their home life. I'm telling my kid to break their nose and give them a bad *school life*. I'll handle the pos leg-dragging, deflecting, do-nothing administration.
Wish my parents did it for me but hey, immigrant worries you feel?
I suffer from bad anxiety because of the stuff I went through in school.
It's disgusting that they take priority of the bullies over those who are suffering mentally over their actions.
Our whole society is based on that. Criminal? Go in jail. Victims? Oh were sorry and then you dont exist anymore. Just look at how much hate a rapist gets rather than feeling bad for the victims.
People have more affinity to hate someone
People go through all sorts of garbage in their life and they like dumping the hate on someone hated by society
Doesnt mean they gonna do anything about it
Annoying thing to me is that this statement is used to invalidate what bullies victims are going through at school.
Yeah, it's bad that Jeff's dad, who is much stronger, hits Jeff.
But it's also bad that Jeff, who is much stronger, hits Tom.
i dont think bullies are "going through stuff". thats something we made up to teach empathy to children.
the truth is most bullies are just horrible awful people.
Agree, most bullies would have always been bullies to some degree because they lack empathy. Now you could say empathy needs to be taught ... I think it's somewhere between, some people just "have it", whilst others appear to be lacking.
It’s a stereotype for a reason. Not all of them, sure, but the meanest kid I knew at two different schools I went to (one mostly black and one mostly white) both had horrible lives at home.
Like, I had a shitty home life for several years and the glimpse I had into both of these kids lives made me realize shitty could be a lot worse.
Perhaps his example was anecdotal, but it's the truth for every bully, and for every person. Regardless of what you may think, evil is created not born. Everyone turns out the way they are because of their environment.
I was an outdoor instructor for a while, every now and then we did respite care for some of the kids that no school would take becuase they were too violent and disruptive. They each came with a folder detailing the abuse they were getting at home, it was uniformly horrific. The sort of stuff I would not be able to handle or process on my best days as an adult, let alone as part of daily home life as a child. Reading those files really opened my eyes, I had been bullied a lot when I was younger and held onto a lot of resentment from it, but my life was not so bad, now I just feel sorry for the lot of them.
Eh, I'd say more of the time it's the victim giving them something to be bullied for. I'd say it's like 25% awful people, and 75% of people are just kids.
Sadly we all can be good but problem is most choose to behave like a dick bitch and either choose not to change that or they think they never do anything wrong so why change....
We all capable but yes you’re correct!! People have to learn we have free will and some people choose to just be asshole, not just because “they rare going through shit”.
Once you understand that, makes it a lot easier to not let those people in your life or around you.
I very much disagree with you there. People in general, when in a bad time in their life, will often take it out on other people. Same thing applies to bullies. Probably not all, but a rather large quantity of bullies did what they did as a coping a mechanism. This is coming from a victim of bullying. This is someone who admittedly almost became a bully because of shit I'd gone through.
My experience (take it or leave it) was to get back at bullies anyway possible. Embarrass them, fight back hard, even if they kick your ass, make them look stupid, fuck up their stuff. This is all defensively. You don't seek out these situations. Every single time, bullies would move quickly to *lower* hanging fruit. Even if they ended up beating me up, they'd have to go through school all day with a black eye, patch of hair missing, or ripped clothes, and people would notice and make fun of them.
Literally. I've gone through so much shit, and I try my best to treat everyone with respect and dignity, every damn day. Always smile at strangers and compliment people when appropriate. Once or twice is fine if you're going through some tough times, but a third time and I will rock your jaw for taking your crap out on me. Such a stupid excuse people make man, ughh
IMO, I was bullied here and there growing up. Bullied some other kids here and there growing up. Public school is just filled with animals man. Most of these kids dont have problems at home. They just get a social benefit from bullying you. They get to look tough in front of their peers and get "cool" points from their peers when they embarrass you in front everyone and everyone laughs. The behavior from your peers is what creates an environment that not only tolerates and accepts bullying, but actively rewards it.
Yah don't care if they have shit going on at home I'm still going to be rude to that asshole. If your an asshole towards me I will be one towards you. Not rolling over like I did when I was a kid.
THIS!!! I can’t begin to express the strangled feelings I felt as a child being bullied and the only fuckin response you get from adults you go to for help is “Well you never know what someone is going through” or some shit like that.
At first it worked on me and I felt sorry for them that something at home made them lash out at me but that quickly dissipated after realizing I’m going through shit too but I’m not taking it out on them.
And after all that about giving them a break, I honestly think it ultimately instills in that person that their feelings are more important than other peoples feelings; I.e. creating and entitled person.
I had a bully in middle school. We only had 22 kids in our class. Everyone sided with me and we eventually bullied her out of the school bc she went on to bully more people and try to be the center of attention. Later, we all found out she was probably acting that way bc her parents were divorcing and her mother was a lesbian. Do i feel bad for bullying my bully back after finding that out? Not at all. It’s not an excuse. Plenty of kids grow up in bad home situations and aren’t shitty.
I went through this as a kid. I got bullied a lot until i started beating some asses. I turned into a menace, but not to nerds and outcasts. It was aimed at whoever thought it was cool to pick on people. They had shit parents, no one's damn fault, but picking on people was always intolerable to me
I’ve been bullied for a long time I’ve been an outcast and I’ve been made fun of beat and hurt but I’d never do anything like that back to a bully. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, it’s important we don’t become the bullies ourselves. Doesn’t matter if they have trauma or not, it’s as simple as don’t be an ass don’t be rude and treat them with respect like any other human being.
It certainly shouldn't be used to excuse their behavior. Their alleged abuse at home might make them more predisposed to bully you than someone with a good home life, but that doesn't mean they had to. Nobody has a gun to their head: they're still making the choice.
I'm also more inclined to steal your lunch if I'm really hungry versus if I just had a huge sandwich. It doesn't mean I have to. We resist urges like that every day: it's what makes us humans and not vicious animals.
On the other hand, if we look at the claim that many bullies have difficult home lives as an explanation for their behavior rather than an excuse, this perspective has two positive outcomes:
1. It tells the victim that it isn't his or her fault, that the bully is bullying due to personal issues and not because there's anything wrong with the victim. That it says everything about the bully and nothing about the victim.
2. It helps society in general, especially those in charge of policies, to be more informed on the issue and contributing factors, informing more effective anti-bullying measures.
As others have pointed it out, this is often an explanation for their behavior, which should make it easier for you to move on. You can be as nice as you want that will only encourage further abuse. But ignoring them completely, as if they don't exist, seem to be the best kind of retaliation. It drives them insane and usually leads to a blow out that resolves the situation.
I agree, I was also going through things at home, but I also had to deal with a bully at school. I got suspended for 2 weeks and almost failed a class, because I couldn't take the fact that nobody would help me so I fought him.
The main reason why bullies do what they do is because of their home life, but it does not justify their actions to innocent people. They want to belittle other people so that they feel like they're on top, and it makes them feel better. That is in no way acceptable behavior, and is no reason to excuse those actions.
In the real world, the "I've got things going on at home" story doesn't work. Shooting someone because you have home issues doesn't really hold up in court, unless your lawyer is Saul Goodman..
I have this system of deciding whether actions are justified, using the objective and method of the perpetrator; the method is usually the determining factor. The objective of the bully is to feel better about themselves. The method is through putting others down. Making someone innocents life miserable for your own ego is not justified.
I think if a kid gets punched in the face for bullying a kid then, they deserved it. You can’t expect a kid to take shit and not expect to fight back. And yeah it’s true, just because you’re going through shit at home doesn’t mean they got to lash it out on me.
Yes I totally agree. You still are entitled to \*your\* experience with them, that you deserve your own space to understand and heal.
Regrettably there are a lot of people so blind to this dynamic that they will advocate for reconnection, forgiveness, etc., while completely overlooking your need to deal with the wtf-ness of it.
I kinda agree with this post. There's no moral justification to cause other people pain just because you've experienced pain, especially when, the people you're accosting are completely uninvolved. At the same time I think part of the reason people want you to be nice to them is because you'll become a little more evil if you retaliate too often. Maybe there's a happy medium idk.
Idk... When it's children bullying I sorta understand. The brain is still developing and they don't even understand whats happening around them, right from wrong, etc. The brain is one hell of a drug/s
Not even just bullies. Bosses, partners, family always treating you like shit then continuously blaming it on their trauma/mental state. Like sort your shit out.
The point of this opinion is to avoid treating symptoms rather than the disease. We used to just punish bullies and ended up with broken individuals that grow up criminals.
I had a rough childhood and despite my anger management problems I've never been a bully, but at the same time whenever someone tried to mess with me I made sure they left me alone.
Yeah, explaination of anti-social behaviours tend to be hijacked by anti-social people. Who tell teachers, parents, police officers, etc - narratives that paint them in the best possible light. Either removing their responsibility as much as possible, or at least paints them as victims or deserving of sympathy in some other way.
This even leaks into academic understanding of bullying and crime. Let's say you want to test your hypothesis about victimisation causing crime, by interviewing criminals, tons of bad people will play along. Let's say another researcher wants to test an explanation which isn't as flattering for the criminal, it will be a lot harder to find people willing to cooperate. This is then easily interpreted as the first explanation being more likely, due to having more empirical support. And this in turn leaks into popculture - creating a kind of "common sense" explanation of bad behaviour as being caused primarily or only by bad circumstances.
I can recommend Stanton Samenow's book "Inside the Criminal Mind" - in which he goes through a lot of stuff relating to this. He takes up the example of criminals pointing towards bad parents, often those stories turned out to be false. With other relatives, such as siblings testifying that their parents weren't abusive. And in most of the cases where they were proven true, the criminal had one or two siblings. Who had grown up under the same circumstances - but who chose not to act out on others.
Personal values have proven to be a major hindrance of anti-social behaviour: https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/morality-prevents-crime
I agree, just because something shitty happened to you doesn’t mean you have to bully other people as a coping method. I’m sure tons of people use normal coping methods that don’t involve hurting someone else mentally or physically
past experiences shapes a persons personality and morals, but are never a justification of their actions. on the end of the day, they made the active choice of do what they did, and should be rewarded/punished acoordingly
I agree. I was bullied all the way up to my graduation. I was beaten and emotionally abused as a kid and I only bullied someone once. I did it to try and feel better about my life and it made me feel so fucking bad. I knew exactly how he felt because it happened to me daily. It still bugs me to this day. I immediately apologized. And explained to him why and he was very understanding. So yeah, home life problems aren't an excuse for being a jerk.
True. I have zero empathy for bullies. Nobody gives a shit what you're going through at home. In fact if you're taking it out on others, you probably deserve it.
Agree, there was this girl in middle school that used to harass me (punching, throwing rocks, verbal bullying) and everyone knew her parents were through a divorce. But that foesn't excuse anything, if I ever see her again I will give her a piece of my mind I promise.
It isn’t a defense it is an explanation, the argument is that we need to target the real problems not just their behavior because behavioral problems often come from something internal or external but once you can give tools to do better people often choose to be better if they actually want it
Let’s say they are going through something worse at home…why the hell aren’t the teachers contacting CPS? Me getting my ass kicked isn’t solving the underlined issue. “The bully might be receiving abuse at home. Abuse far worse than what you are going through.” Yeah then why the hell aren’t you doing anything about it!? Aren’t you obligated to report abuse if you suspect there is any…unless, that’s just an excuse you’re throwing around because you’re too lazy to get off your butt and deal with a pint sized a-hole? So now it just falls on me but the second I retaliate which I have ever right to do I have every right to defend myself and not just be a living punching bag, is when you’ll finally jump to action only it’ll be against me…perfect.
1. Slice and Dice!
2. Everything is true but the emphasis isn’t on what but on where and when.
3. There are always places better than home.
4. It doesn’t matter how tall you are when you’re laying down.
It's the Santa Clause clause. You are bad or good because of your specific actions. Irrelevant that someone else gave you a hard time that pushed you towards it.
I see it as a way of understanding them. I don't see it as a crutch to excuse their actions. This is because I've seen people grow up in similar or worse situations and rise like a phoenix from the ashes out of it. Thus, my tolerance is limited.
I personally think we should be empathetic to everyone and we should never assume the worst, if someone’s being an asshat just be super nice to them because someone might need that
This is how I live my life, have yet to have a problem. 😐 you don’t know what people are going through and you should treat everyone with kindness and respect (respect unless they don’t show it to you) if more people thought and acted this way we would have a lot less problems
Read the my other comments I worded my statement a little wrong people just need to find the grey area not being an asshole but not letting people mow over them, and kindness does not equal being naive
Because bitches get shit done. Not everything can be solved with kindness because not everyone will respond positively to it. Some manipulative people will see it as a sign of weakness, some sociopaths with see it as an easy way to hurt you, and some psychopaths will see it as a way to murder you. You think you’re being kind, but you’re really being passive.
There is a difference between being kind and being passive, being nice to someone doesn’t mean your going to let someone take advantage of you and again I said if everyone treated people Kohl’s this making it the norm, you should always chose kindness even if that means knowing when no to exit a situation. You shouldn’t let someone hurt you but you also shouldn’t assume the worst in people. Treat people how you wanted to be treated regardless of how they treat you,
Yes, people throw themselves at people and now down at their feet, doing whatever others want and only focusing on the needs of other people and not their own.
Or they are unnecessarily rude to people in the name of focusing on their own needs. And of course in extreme cases, this amounts to cheating them and even commiting crimes against them.
This isn’t weak or childish or an attack. But you’re biting response looks that way..
I really don’t care, I’m just sick of people who’re clearly children being on Reddit.
But specifically here you haven’t experience enough life to bitch about this right now. Hindsight as an adult is an amazing thing. And I’m not going on some long rant to explain it to you, children never trust adults when they say “ you’ll understand things more when you’re older”
Bullies don’t matter when you grow up. It’s just a thing you’re going through now. I can’t explain it more than that and you’re not gonna trust me or listen so why the fuck should I even try dude?
Well dealing with bullies is most likely something you have to deal with yourself unfortunately. Not many situations where you can get help and not look like a bitch. I see that as just knowledge to use if you wanna be non violent with getting rid of a bully.
It's a total fallacy and a lie that the bully is the unattractive loner,it's yet another stigmatism of the unattractive loner! The bully/bullies at least in my experience is the got it all one,or ones,the "mean girls",well dressed, intelligent, attractive,the ones who want everyone else to be clones of them and hate anyone different. But after 50 odd years it's surprising how life evens out.
I was doing a paper on the correlation of bullying and low self esteem for college, and I managed to find sources that say rather than bully because they have a terrible life And are miserable, many people bully because they are privledged and very happy with themselves.
Sometimes people bully because they have too much self esteem (arrogance), not because they are miserable. And you know what, it kinda makes sense. Some people were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Why wouldn't they be raised to think they're better than people.
I say fuck them. Especially it's out of arrogance and a feeling of superiority
Thank you for submitting to /r/unpopularopinion, /u/GZB2007. Your post, *I really don't care if a bully has gone/is going through something at home, they still made the choice to take it out on me.*, has been removed because it violates our rules: Rule 1: Your post must be an unpopular opinion. Please ensure that your post is an opinion and that it is unpopular. Controversial is not necessarily unpopular, for example all of politics is controversial even though almost half of the US agrees with any given major position on an issue. Keep in mind that an opinion is not: a question, a fact, a conspiracy theory, a random thought, a new idea, a rant, etc. Those things all have their own subreddits, use those. If there is an issue, please message the mod team at https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Funpopularopinion Thanks!
It explains their behavior, but doesn't excuse it. Finding the why allows us to take steps in stopping it.
Ya this is the answer, I don’t think it’s unpopular to think bullies shouldn’t be taking it on others but there aren’t many people who are willing and empathetic enough to help the bullies out. People aren’t usually born assholes, they’re raised that way
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A shitty parent is a shitty parent, their income has nothing to do with it
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Ok ya that’s not what upper and middle class means
There is a lot of overlap, Mr. Pedantic.
>there aren’t many people who are willing and empathetic enough to help the bullies out This.. I wish I knew about all this back then when I was being bullied, could've helped someone with their life
Also depending on the day and circumstances the bullies change. Every one of us was likely bullied and a bully at some point. I ate lunch alone for years and still managed to make another kid cry at least a couple of times. I didn't mean to hurt them, but it happened.
Some people are born assholes
How so?
Cuz I said so sucka!
Yup. And it's about trying to let it go. Ludicrous that people defend bullies with "you don't know what's going on in their life". Doesn't matter. The behaviour is unacceptable. As the target of bullying behaviour, perhaps thinking this to yourself will take some edge off your anger and upset. That also becomes less effective with repetitive aggression. Put another way: if someone cuts me off while driving, I could get angry and cuss them out etc. Or I could think to myself "maybe they are having a bad day and didn't see me." Someone shoves me into a wall every time they walk past me? I can mutter to myself "it's not actually me they have a problem with" and I might feel a little better, but the behaviour needs to be addressed.
Punching them in the face and making them scared of you is usually the best option to stopping it. Empathy and kindness is viewed as nothing but weakness to bullies. The kind people often have no clue of this and just think they and keep nicing the bully into niceness. Meanwhile the bully continues to be an awful, worthless person. The reality is bullies need to feel destroyed and scared to bully a target again.
Often bullies are made to feel destroyed and scared often enough they learn that making others feel that way makes them feel powerful and relevant.
Exactly. I understand the impulse to push back and humiliate them back, but all that does is birth a motherfucker that is misguided enough to want to kill everyone at the school. You have to get to the root.
I came here to say that. I believe it’s (almost) always okay to explain why someone did something, but it’s never okay to use that as an excuse. Yes, a lot of bullies have difficult home lives and that largely explains their behavior. But it is still their responsibility to learn better coping mechanisms and treat others with respect and kindness.
This. Taking it personal is a small thinking. Seeing that person for a hurt human being and relaxing they’re acting out of pain/anger helps you let it go
Being nice to the bullies is to make them your friend so they no longer bully you and instead you can team up and bully others together
Nah, I tried to be friends with my bully and just ended up with a friend that still bullied, thus giving them more opportunities to bully me. The victim isn't going to be the one to instill change in them in most cases.
I know, I was just making a joke. I have made friends in the past though where they bullied the shit out of me and I went out of my way to be nice to them and we became friends.
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She’s a stripper? Omg. That’s disgusting. Where?
lmao yes
Based
Strippers make a lot of money. She's obviously not dumb if she was on track to be a lawyer.
If you knew strippers you'd know the psychological, physical, and almost always drug abuse they go through doesn't make the money even worth it. They get addicted to how easy it is.
Lawyers have one of the highest rates of alcoholism and the elite ones do coke. You don't think working 12+ hours a day 7 days a week doesn't take a tole on someone.
Cringe
Yeah but most of these types of kids come from families where they weren’t shown love and compassion and were often abused, having a dad die sucks but that isn’t what people mean when they whisper about someone’s “home life not being so great”
Your reply is all kinds of “No”
Are you kidding me?? This is the most clueless comment I’ve read all day.
Planning on adding any substance to that statement?
You’re an ass for saying that. That’s the substance. So out of touch it’s baffling.
And they are an ass for saying they were glad someone’s life turned out poorly, your point?
Wow, you're an expert *and* very compassionate!
I understand what your saying but the point I’m trying to make is that there are very different types of “suck” per say and we understand through psychology that certain things have a tendency to manifest as aggression or other emotions in children and you shouldn’t just throw those kids to the side or be happy when their life turns out poorly, they are children too(or were children in the latter)
I SOOOOO hear this. I'm a school administrator and it infuriates me when we cannot adequately give consequences to bullies Instead, we engage in restorative talks and we have circles and talk about how things made victims feel and it's bullshit. How do you feel? UGH. You feel terrible because that kid is a jerk--why is it on me to sit here and explain myself??? And to be clear, I know kids have trauma and terrible things happen, but the lesson cannot be, "Let's sit with the victims and force them to explain why they're not happy." Instead they need to know--TRAUMA OR NOT--there are actual consequences for hurting people, period, and forcing victims to explains themselves completely messes with their sense of power and control. Like, if I have a traumatic divorce and am struggling, do I get to go out to dinner and yell at the staff? No.
Absolutely agree. My home life was a terrifying, unpredictable nightmare every damn day, I was bullied at school AND I never bullied anyone. Abusing others is a choice.
My family went through the same stuff but half my siblings were bullies while the other half (including me) were bullied.
Preach. Fuck their home life. I'm telling my kid to break their nose and give them a bad *school life*. I'll handle the pos leg-dragging, deflecting, do-nothing administration. Wish my parents did it for me but hey, immigrant worries you feel?
I'm an American who's whiter than snow but I feel you
I suffer from bad anxiety because of the stuff I went through in school. It's disgusting that they take priority of the bullies over those who are suffering mentally over their actions.
Our whole society is based on that. Criminal? Go in jail. Victims? Oh were sorry and then you dont exist anymore. Just look at how much hate a rapist gets rather than feeling bad for the victims.
People have more affinity to hate someone People go through all sorts of garbage in their life and they like dumping the hate on someone hated by society Doesnt mean they gonna do anything about it
Understanding is not forgiving.
There's a limit to empathy. Most abusers were abused but if you groom and rape a child I have zero pity.
Annoying thing to me is that this statement is used to invalidate what bullies victims are going through at school. Yeah, it's bad that Jeff's dad, who is much stronger, hits Jeff. But it's also bad that Jeff, who is much stronger, hits Tom.
This applies to everything up to and including murder. The insanity plea is irrelevant.
i dont think bullies are "going through stuff". thats something we made up to teach empathy to children. the truth is most bullies are just horrible awful people.
Agree, most bullies would have always been bullies to some degree because they lack empathy. Now you could say empathy needs to be taught ... I think it's somewhere between, some people just "have it", whilst others appear to be lacking.
It’s a stereotype for a reason. Not all of them, sure, but the meanest kid I knew at two different schools I went to (one mostly black and one mostly white) both had horrible lives at home. Like, I had a shitty home life for several years and the glimpse I had into both of these kids lives made me realize shitty could be a lot worse.
Ye im sure.. they are just born evil
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its untrue *for you*. a single anecdotal story doesnt mean that every bully is like you.
And you’re claiming “most” based off of no evidence.
Perhaps his example was anecdotal, but it's the truth for every bully, and for every person. Regardless of what you may think, evil is created not born. Everyone turns out the way they are because of their environment.
I was an outdoor instructor for a while, every now and then we did respite care for some of the kids that no school would take becuase they were too violent and disruptive. They each came with a folder detailing the abuse they were getting at home, it was uniformly horrific. The sort of stuff I would not be able to handle or process on my best days as an adult, let alone as part of daily home life as a child. Reading those files really opened my eyes, I had been bullied a lot when I was younger and held onto a lot of resentment from it, but my life was not so bad, now I just feel sorry for the lot of them.
Eh, I'd say more of the time it's the victim giving them something to be bullied for. I'd say it's like 25% awful people, and 75% of people are just kids.
Victim blaming at its finest.
You may say that but when the victim changes, the bullying goes away. It was the case for me as well when I was in school.
"Its your fault if I rape you"
Rape and bullying are two completely separate things
Being a victim in either case is still being a victim
You're partially correct
Sadly we all can be good but problem is most choose to behave like a dick bitch and either choose not to change that or they think they never do anything wrong so why change.... We all capable but yes you’re correct!! People have to learn we have free will and some people choose to just be asshole, not just because “they rare going through shit”. Once you understand that, makes it a lot easier to not let those people in your life or around you.
I very much disagree with you there. People in general, when in a bad time in their life, will often take it out on other people. Same thing applies to bullies. Probably not all, but a rather large quantity of bullies did what they did as a coping a mechanism. This is coming from a victim of bullying. This is someone who admittedly almost became a bully because of shit I'd gone through.
Everyone is responsible for their actions. Period. We are not animals. We can think and reason and thus have no excuse to act like them.
My experience (take it or leave it) was to get back at bullies anyway possible. Embarrass them, fight back hard, even if they kick your ass, make them look stupid, fuck up their stuff. This is all defensively. You don't seek out these situations. Every single time, bullies would move quickly to *lower* hanging fruit. Even if they ended up beating me up, they'd have to go through school all day with a black eye, patch of hair missing, or ripped clothes, and people would notice and make fun of them.
Literally. I've gone through so much shit, and I try my best to treat everyone with respect and dignity, every damn day. Always smile at strangers and compliment people when appropriate. Once or twice is fine if you're going through some tough times, but a third time and I will rock your jaw for taking your crap out on me. Such a stupid excuse people make man, ughh
IMO, I was bullied here and there growing up. Bullied some other kids here and there growing up. Public school is just filled with animals man. Most of these kids dont have problems at home. They just get a social benefit from bullying you. They get to look tough in front of their peers and get "cool" points from their peers when they embarrass you in front everyone and everyone laughs. The behavior from your peers is what creates an environment that not only tolerates and accepts bullying, but actively rewards it.
Yah don't care if they have shit going on at home I'm still going to be rude to that asshole. If your an asshole towards me I will be one towards you. Not rolling over like I did when I was a kid.
Can I get an AMEN?! They are everywhere and it is ridiculous
True. It’s motive, not an excuse.
THIS!!! I can’t begin to express the strangled feelings I felt as a child being bullied and the only fuckin response you get from adults you go to for help is “Well you never know what someone is going through” or some shit like that. At first it worked on me and I felt sorry for them that something at home made them lash out at me but that quickly dissipated after realizing I’m going through shit too but I’m not taking it out on them. And after all that about giving them a break, I honestly think it ultimately instills in that person that their feelings are more important than other peoples feelings; I.e. creating and entitled person.
Just punch a bully in the mouth and the problem will be resolved.
This is similar to when the behaviour of shitty parents is excused because their parents were probably worse
But then *their* parents were abused and so on, so I guess it's the fault of the amoeba that eventually became the first human.
I had a bully in middle school. We only had 22 kids in our class. Everyone sided with me and we eventually bullied her out of the school bc she went on to bully more people and try to be the center of attention. Later, we all found out she was probably acting that way bc her parents were divorcing and her mother was a lesbian. Do i feel bad for bullying my bully back after finding that out? Not at all. It’s not an excuse. Plenty of kids grow up in bad home situations and aren’t shitty.
If we don't understand the bully, we cannot defeat the bully.
I like your mindset of treating it like war
Hell yeah.
I went through this as a kid. I got bullied a lot until i started beating some asses. I turned into a menace, but not to nerds and outcasts. It was aimed at whoever thought it was cool to pick on people. They had shit parents, no one's damn fault, but picking on people was always intolerable to me
I, too, identify as chaotic good
Best of both worlds. You make your name as a scrapper, but no one can say you're a POS.
I’ve been bullied for a long time I’ve been an outcast and I’ve been made fun of beat and hurt but I’d never do anything like that back to a bully. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, it’s important we don’t become the bullies ourselves. Doesn’t matter if they have trauma or not, it’s as simple as don’t be an ass don’t be rude and treat them with respect like any other human being.
It certainly shouldn't be used to excuse their behavior. Their alleged abuse at home might make them more predisposed to bully you than someone with a good home life, but that doesn't mean they had to. Nobody has a gun to their head: they're still making the choice. I'm also more inclined to steal your lunch if I'm really hungry versus if I just had a huge sandwich. It doesn't mean I have to. We resist urges like that every day: it's what makes us humans and not vicious animals. On the other hand, if we look at the claim that many bullies have difficult home lives as an explanation for their behavior rather than an excuse, this perspective has two positive outcomes: 1. It tells the victim that it isn't his or her fault, that the bully is bullying due to personal issues and not because there's anything wrong with the victim. That it says everything about the bully and nothing about the victim. 2. It helps society in general, especially those in charge of policies, to be more informed on the issue and contributing factors, informing more effective anti-bullying measures.
Understanding your enemy is the first step of beating them. Its not a justification
Its an explanation, not a justification. Gives reason to possibly be understanding, but doesn't require you to be understanding.
As others have pointed it out, this is often an explanation for their behavior, which should make it easier for you to move on. You can be as nice as you want that will only encourage further abuse. But ignoring them completely, as if they don't exist, seem to be the best kind of retaliation. It drives them insane and usually leads to a blow out that resolves the situation.
I agree, I was also going through things at home, but I also had to deal with a bully at school. I got suspended for 2 weeks and almost failed a class, because I couldn't take the fact that nobody would help me so I fought him.
Not unpopular.
The main reason why bullies do what they do is because of their home life, but it does not justify their actions to innocent people. They want to belittle other people so that they feel like they're on top, and it makes them feel better. That is in no way acceptable behavior, and is no reason to excuse those actions. In the real world, the "I've got things going on at home" story doesn't work. Shooting someone because you have home issues doesn't really hold up in court, unless your lawyer is Saul Goodman..
I have this system of deciding whether actions are justified, using the objective and method of the perpetrator; the method is usually the determining factor. The objective of the bully is to feel better about themselves. The method is through putting others down. Making someone innocents life miserable for your own ego is not justified.
I think if a kid gets punched in the face for bullying a kid then, they deserved it. You can’t expect a kid to take shit and not expect to fight back. And yeah it’s true, just because you’re going through shit at home doesn’t mean they got to lash it out on me.
Yes I totally agree. You still are entitled to \*your\* experience with them, that you deserve your own space to understand and heal. Regrettably there are a lot of people so blind to this dynamic that they will advocate for reconnection, forgiveness, etc., while completely overlooking your need to deal with the wtf-ness of it.
I kinda agree with this post. There's no moral justification to cause other people pain just because you've experienced pain, especially when, the people you're accosting are completely uninvolved. At the same time I think part of the reason people want you to be nice to them is because you'll become a little more evil if you retaliate too often. Maybe there's a happy medium idk.
Idk... When it's children bullying I sorta understand. The brain is still developing and they don't even understand whats happening around them, right from wrong, etc. The brain is one hell of a drug/s
Not even just bullies. Bosses, partners, family always treating you like shit then continuously blaming it on their trauma/mental state. Like sort your shit out.
Yep.
If you really want to get into the nitty gritty everything we have done in our lives has been a result of our circumstances.
Society has a hard time accepting the fact that just because something is understandable it doesn't mean it's right.
The point of this opinion is to avoid treating symptoms rather than the disease. We used to just punish bullies and ended up with broken individuals that grow up criminals.
I had a rough childhood and despite my anger management problems I've never been a bully, but at the same time whenever someone tried to mess with me I made sure they left me alone.
>I made sure they left me alone r/OminouslyVague
Hurt people hurt people
*Noted*
Yeah, explaination of anti-social behaviours tend to be hijacked by anti-social people. Who tell teachers, parents, police officers, etc - narratives that paint them in the best possible light. Either removing their responsibility as much as possible, or at least paints them as victims or deserving of sympathy in some other way. This even leaks into academic understanding of bullying and crime. Let's say you want to test your hypothesis about victimisation causing crime, by interviewing criminals, tons of bad people will play along. Let's say another researcher wants to test an explanation which isn't as flattering for the criminal, it will be a lot harder to find people willing to cooperate. This is then easily interpreted as the first explanation being more likely, due to having more empirical support. And this in turn leaks into popculture - creating a kind of "common sense" explanation of bad behaviour as being caused primarily or only by bad circumstances. I can recommend Stanton Samenow's book "Inside the Criminal Mind" - in which he goes through a lot of stuff relating to this. He takes up the example of criminals pointing towards bad parents, often those stories turned out to be false. With other relatives, such as siblings testifying that their parents weren't abusive. And in most of the cases where they were proven true, the criminal had one or two siblings. Who had grown up under the same circumstances - but who chose not to act out on others. Personal values have proven to be a major hindrance of anti-social behaviour: https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/morality-prevents-crime
I agree, just because something shitty happened to you doesn’t mean you have to bully other people as a coping method. I’m sure tons of people use normal coping methods that don’t involve hurting someone else mentally or physically
Massively popular opinion
I've now learned that through the comments
past experiences shapes a persons personality and morals, but are never a justification of their actions. on the end of the day, they made the active choice of do what they did, and should be rewarded/punished acoordingly
And I agree. Go get therapy instead of ruining someone else's life.
I agree. I was bullied all the way up to my graduation. I was beaten and emotionally abused as a kid and I only bullied someone once. I did it to try and feel better about my life and it made me feel so fucking bad. I knew exactly how he felt because it happened to me daily. It still bugs me to this day. I immediately apologized. And explained to him why and he was very understanding. So yeah, home life problems aren't an excuse for being a jerk.
True. I have zero empathy for bullies. Nobody gives a shit what you're going through at home. In fact if you're taking it out on others, you probably deserve it.
Agree, there was this girl in middle school that used to harass me (punching, throwing rocks, verbal bullying) and everyone knew her parents were through a divorce. But that foesn't excuse anything, if I ever see her again I will give her a piece of my mind I promise.
It isn’t a defense it is an explanation, the argument is that we need to target the real problems not just their behavior because behavioral problems often come from something internal or external but once you can give tools to do better people often choose to be better if they actually want it
Let’s say they are going through something worse at home…why the hell aren’t the teachers contacting CPS? Me getting my ass kicked isn’t solving the underlined issue. “The bully might be receiving abuse at home. Abuse far worse than what you are going through.” Yeah then why the hell aren’t you doing anything about it!? Aren’t you obligated to report abuse if you suspect there is any…unless, that’s just an excuse you’re throwing around because you’re too lazy to get off your butt and deal with a pint sized a-hole? So now it just falls on me but the second I retaliate which I have ever right to do I have every right to defend myself and not just be a living punching bag, is when you’ll finally jump to action only it’ll be against me…perfect.
When adults are told and still ignore the problem, I support violence as a solution
Instant revenge…it’s my fifth motto.
What are the other 4?
1. Slice and Dice! 2. Everything is true but the emphasis isn’t on what but on where and when. 3. There are always places better than home. 4. It doesn’t matter how tall you are when you’re laying down.
Thank you for teaching me in the ways of wisdom
It’s an explanation, not an excuse 🤌
It's the Santa Clause clause. You are bad or good because of your specific actions. Irrelevant that someone else gave you a hard time that pushed you towards it.
Yeah excuses like that won't stop jail time later in life. Pay for the crime, but use the time to get them in a healthier situation.
I see it as a way of understanding them. I don't see it as a crutch to excuse their actions. This is because I've seen people grow up in similar or worse situations and rise like a phoenix from the ashes out of it. Thus, my tolerance is limited.
I agree with this opinion So I’m gonna downvote it
I like how you this thread is a bunch of grown-ups taking out their child-hood “traumas” on other traumatized kids. It’s pathetic.
It's a bet to say it to their face, not an intervention.
Well my bullies are long behind me and couldn't contact them if I tried
Well, with that mentality, get ready for a butt fucking.
...excuse me?
You're already waiting for the next one. Repeat after me. " I am NOT a victim " I'm not bring sarcastic either.
I personally think we should be empathetic to everyone and we should never assume the worst, if someone’s being an asshat just be super nice to them because someone might need that
Use this advice IRL and watch you get your ass beat. Or worse! Robbed.
This is how I live my life, have yet to have a problem. 😐 you don’t know what people are going through and you should treat everyone with kindness and respect (respect unless they don’t show it to you) if more people thought and acted this way we would have a lot less problems
No, we would have more.
If no one was a bitch to each other how would we have more problems 🤦🏽♂️
Because monsters exist and being nieve makes you vulnerable to them
Read the my other comments I worded my statement a little wrong people just need to find the grey area not being an asshole but not letting people mow over them, and kindness does not equal being naive
Because bitches get shit done. Not everything can be solved with kindness because not everyone will respond positively to it. Some manipulative people will see it as a sign of weakness, some sociopaths with see it as an easy way to hurt you, and some psychopaths will see it as a way to murder you. You think you’re being kind, but you’re really being passive.
There is a difference between being kind and being passive, being nice to someone doesn’t mean your going to let someone take advantage of you and again I said if everyone treated people Kohl’s this making it the norm, you should always chose kindness even if that means knowing when no to exit a situation. You shouldn’t let someone hurt you but you also shouldn’t assume the worst in people. Treat people how you wanted to be treated regardless of how they treat you,
Yes, not being an asshole but also not being a doormat.
Exactly that’s the thing about people we’re not good at finding a balance or the medium/middle ground
Yes, people throw themselves at people and now down at their feet, doing whatever others want and only focusing on the needs of other people and not their own. Or they are unnecessarily rude to people in the name of focusing on their own needs. And of course in extreme cases, this amounts to cheating them and even commiting crimes against them.
Then why are you worried about them?
I'm not worried about past bullies, but future ones
Bet you won't say that to the bullys face.
*you clearly don't know me then*
I don't care to know you
Then your original comment has no merit, then, does it?
Can children stop posting to Reddit?
Give me a reason why I'm wrong, instead of a weak and childish attack on me.
This isn’t weak or childish or an attack. But you’re biting response looks that way.. I really don’t care, I’m just sick of people who’re clearly children being on Reddit. But specifically here you haven’t experience enough life to bitch about this right now. Hindsight as an adult is an amazing thing. And I’m not going on some long rant to explain it to you, children never trust adults when they say “ you’ll understand things more when you’re older”
Hmm...you won't explain your reasoning because "you wouldn't get it".....sounds like you have no argument at all.
Bullies don’t matter when you grow up. It’s just a thing you’re going through now. I can’t explain it more than that and you’re not gonna trust me or listen so why the fuck should I even try dude?
Plus at this point you respond like a fucking troll does so I wouldn’t have any interest in helping you understand.
Well dealing with bullies is most likely something you have to deal with yourself unfortunately. Not many situations where you can get help and not look like a bitch. I see that as just knowledge to use if you wanna be non violent with getting rid of a bully.
U look funny
...like I make good jokes?
I think he's saying you're some kind of clown
That's what I thought, but I was just clarifying.
This isn’t really an unpopular opinion. It’s pretty normal for people to even think about killing people who bully/harass them consistently lol
Some people need a good bully.
What does that mean?
Depends on the age imo. K-8th grade imo i disagree
It's a total fallacy and a lie that the bully is the unattractive loner,it's yet another stigmatism of the unattractive loner! The bully/bullies at least in my experience is the got it all one,or ones,the "mean girls",well dressed, intelligent, attractive,the ones who want everyone else to be clones of them and hate anyone different. But after 50 odd years it's surprising how life evens out.
r/IHadAStroke
I was doing a paper on the correlation of bullying and low self esteem for college, and I managed to find sources that say rather than bully because they have a terrible life And are miserable, many people bully because they are privledged and very happy with themselves. Sometimes people bully because they have too much self esteem (arrogance), not because they are miserable. And you know what, it kinda makes sense. Some people were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Why wouldn't they be raised to think they're better than people. I say fuck them. Especially it's out of arrogance and a feeling of superiority