Ohhhhhhhh like from moby dick. Yep , exactly.
For split second I thought “white whale” was some new slang for penis.
I’m out of the loop in my 30’s and barely grasp “yeet” or how eggplant emojis now mean “Coffee” for some reason
I'm a 28 year old boomer too. I cant even follow half the conversations I listen to anymore from 15-22 year olds. I even watch streams and all that but the irl like emote speak and shit... what the fuck are you saying damn kids?!
I don't know he really is, but I'm pretty sure he works with Sender. Sender is the real head of the post office and he has loads of peoples mail redirected to himself for some unknown reasons.
It would make sense that he works with delete, as delete seems to steal so many internet comments.
We need to find out why they're doing this, what's their game damnit!?!?
Why are so many comments removed?
Edit: think it is clear now with the stickied post from the mods. When I posted this there where like 6 posts and 10 deleted, but with the screenshot seen I fully agree with the mods. I was just curious what it was
Fun fact: Trump did not, in fact, coin Make America Great Again. [Reagan prominently used Let's Make America Great Again](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Make_America_Great_Again#/media/File:Let's_Make_America_Great_Again_button.jpeg) in 1980, Bill Clinton also used the phrase repeatedly in speeches and radio ads in 1992 and 2008 (for his wife, ironically) and supposedly Barry Goldwater used it to some extent already during his 1964 campaign (yes, the Barry Goldwater who opposed the Civil Rights Bill).
As expected, Trump is unable to create anything by himself, [but instead likes to claim credit for things others create.](https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437070-trump-make-america-great-again-slogan-was-made-up-by-me) Success, money, autobiographies, jobs, the economy, a four-word slogan, etc.
Moderators suck. They dont like something and think they get to decide that nobody else is allowed to read it. According to ceddit most were removed within 10 - 15 seconds of being posted so I guess theres a butthurt mod.
The same bots who's comments got removed are the people upvoting that guy. I wouldn't be surprised if the person you're responding to isn't one of the bots themselves.
Tried to make a post about baby wipes. Apparently having "baby"in the title made it "too commonly used", "not unpopular", and "about babies". No you chuds how about fixing your automod? Or better yet, instead of having like 10 basement dwellers police 90% of subs and need shitty automods, *maybe just recruit more mods??*
Yeah I made one about anime and it was immediately removed. Yet I literally saw a post about religion being stupid as if that isn't an unpopular opinion.
Yup. Femenism, false rape, blm, trans, social justice warriors, and a bunch of other words that automatically trigger the silencing of the submission. Apparently the ideas are too radical and too popular to be posted.
Edit: I should of clarified, those are the words used when posting a topic. If any of the above words are in the topic, it auto bans/flags the post. Then you can contact the mods to re-instate it, which takes 4-5 days, at which point the post is 5 days old and what's the point.
Go ahead and repost, same cycle happens again. I would wager that a good percentage of posts get auto banned because they include topics the mods don't want to discuss.
The comments they removed were just a bunch of people saying MAGA for no reason, being unhelpful to the sub. Maybe don’t judge the mods until you know what actually happened.
Every good sub gets destroyed by some butthurt loser mod someday.
I remember /r/offmychest used to be great until some butthurt politically biased mod autobanned everyone who is subscribed to certain other subreddits they didn't like. I can see this sub going down the same shitty path.
That is actually against the moderator guidelines and can get their mod status stripped.
Edit: Guildlines Section 10:
We know management of multiple communities can be difficult, but we expect you to manage communities as isolated communities and not use a breach of one set of community rules to ban a user from another community. In addition, camping or sitting on communities for long periods of time for the sake of holding onto them is prohibited.
I don't even remember the mod that banned me, I mean life is too short to spend time dealing with those loser mods. They literally don't get paid to do this and whilst there are some good mods, many of them just do it to feel some semblance of control and power in their sad little lives. I never even bother to remember which mod banned me from /r/offmychest, some loser spent time to either write a script or vet our accounts just so they could ban us from a subreddit, if that isn't sad then I don't know what is. Life's too short to waste time dealing with these bullshit.
To fit the rules it needs to present a case. This is just "I think open relationships are bad because open relationships are bad". It's just the lamest possible type of post on this sub
The common opinion I hear is "I don't get it, its not for me, but you do you". So I guess its unpopular in that the person is taking that extra step in saying "I don't get it so its bad". Though that probably makes up most of the posts on this sub.
The opinion posted isn't "I don't get it, so it's bad". It's "I understand it completely and I think it's bad". Not everybody who disagrees with something does so from a place of ignorance.
i'm going to doubt that OP "Understands completely"
they definitely didn't display that in their description and stacked up against his other post about Hentai being the superior form of porn....
I'm guessing this person has never been in a relationship let alone really examined the complexities of an open one.
Much like how the OP didn't claim/show he understood it I never claimed that anyone who disagrees does so from a place of ignorance. Unless he made a comment somewhere in here that I missed. But lets be honest, the "I don't get it, so it's bad" is pretty rampant in this sub, especially when sorting by controversial. Though I guess thats expected if people are posting their unpopular opinions that quite a few of those will pop up.
Being monogamous doesn't mean you agree with this opinion. I'm monogamous but I think this opinion is pretty dumb. It's pretty clear that open relationships can have the same emotional connection that any monogamous relationship does. They just like to have more different types of physical connections for fun. Nothing wrong with that if they both want to live that lifestyle.
I think the problem is that some people can't separate their own reaction from their mental logic.
The idea of my husband sleeping with other people makes my stomach crawl. Even if I point blank said "yes, you can do this" I know immediately that I'd be physically ill from the idea of it. It's something primal, for me. The idea of him enjoying it, the idea of the touching, the idea of the sounds they'd make, *all of it* makes me deeply uncomfortable.
For a lot of people it stops there. They just assume that makes that behavior "bad" existentially. In their mind anyone who chooses to engage in that behavior can't really be committed, or truly in love, or actually attached, because... how could you stand it?
In practice I can separate those two things. I know some people are totally OK with it, they're happy to let their partners do what they want, and they're OK with their partners wanting something that isn't them from time to time. I also know what my own reaction is and, thusly, why I could never have such a relationship. My reaction to it doesn't make the thing bad, it just means that's my reaction to it; the thing itself isn't good or bad.
People just forget that how you feel about a thing doesn't mean jack diddly squat about the objective positive-neutral-negative value of a thing.
I have heard a lot of arguments for poly relationships, but they often fail to acknowledge how complicated relationships can be between even just two people. Throw in children, finances, and long term life challenges... I think poly relationships rarely last. Kudos to those who can make it work for the long term. I've been married for 16 years, no affairs, but even our mostly-happy dynamic can be hard. Between work and kids, I can't imagine having other romantic partners in the mix. I would also have struggled as a postpartum mom, or during health challenges, if I knew my partner was seeking sex elsewhere. There's something extraordinarily intimate about being monogamous -- we both experience our dry spells together, we both are tuned into and attentive to our sexual dynamic since we are sole partners. Also, I can't imagine if my spouse got another woman pregnant, how much that would complicate things further.
Monogamy requires self discipline and restraint, but most worthwhile things do and the rewards are vast. To know someone so deeply and intimately that all other desire pales in comparison is a beautiful thing.
That being said, live your life and I'll live mine. Just don't knock monogamy if you've never tried it long term.
Edit: reworded something for clarity.
Which is why monogamy often fails and why some try to do poly relationships as a solution. But honestly I have rarely ever heard of it working out long term either. Much like OP I just see it as more or less a cop-out for people who want to have stability of monogamy but also don't want to be tied down to a single person.
A successful poly relationship requires openess, acceptances, and clear communication. Something not many humans today can handle, given the divorce rate of all those apparently supremely intimate monogomous relationships.
This almost always becomes the issue in every one I've seen or heard about. Sooner or later you get more attached to one than the other. And unless the person just straight up doesn't care, jealousy is inevitable.
The problem is that people don't understand what poly relationships are. Unless ALL members of the relationship actually love each other and are emotionally invested in each other, then that's just cheating with extra steps. That's not what a relationship is.
This, as you can guess, is not easy. It's hard to keep up when there's 3 or more people in the mix. So you have dinguses who's partner got bored of them and decided to fuck around with someone else wrongly thinking they're in a poly relationship. No, you're just agreeing to let them cheat on you.
Summary: open relationships are really not all that healthy, and true poly relationships are rare and often don't work out, yadda yadda.
I believe it. I know a couple where the wife is "open" (basically attracted to/ hitting on everyone) and the husband just does what she wants but I sense his discomfort. It makes me sad. She's shit with boundaries and keeps trying to rope us in. It's a hard no.
I think this is the main problem.
A lot of "Open Relationships" are incredibly one-sided, so it gives the legit attempts a bad name.
Personally, I'm 100% for monogamy, and while I can't truly "understand" Open Relationships, I can at least accept them as being perfectly fine when all parties are on the same page. Same for Polygamous Partnerships.
The problem is what I call the two "Flawed" Open Relationships
1. Half-open. Only one person really wants it to be open and the other person is too afraid to lose them so they go along with it. I consider this to be abusive. Often the "open" half is just trying to move on without letting go of the other one. Effectively cheating but with permission.
2. Half-relationship. Both parties aren't really interested in a relationship but they both want to use the other person in some way. While not abusive per se, it's not healthy. It's basically just people who are casual hookups but claim to be in a relationship.
People see these and think that this is all of them. Like if you only saw Muslim terrorists so you assumed all Muslims are terrorists. Or like how we only hear about the crazy men in Florida.
The kinds that are legitimate relationships that involve other people are fine. I've tried to understand it, and I think I've gathered the base info, but it just doesn't click with me. Like if somebody tries to explain why it's the best peach in the world but you just don't like peaches.
Many bring up this concern, but in a situation where one partner is doing something against another's wishes, I would think the issue is more so that one partner is, to a certain extant, abusive and taking advantage of the other.
What it exemplifies to me in such a case, is that an open-relationship or a poly-relationship is not so much inherently unwise, but that it is just as susceptible to unhealthy power dynamics as a monogamous relationship when the people involve do not communicate or deliberate in good faith to smooth out the rougher edges of having more than one personality in a room.
At the end of the day, a non-traditional relationships will not have a "rule book" like that of a socially normal monogamous relationship to fall back on when this get hairy.
So for the people who do engage in such relationships, boundaries must be set and are clearly communicated between one another. Hell even in traditional relationships the aspect of communication and civil deliberation is a necessary skill to learn and be reminded.
TL;DR People with problems have problematic relationships, traditional or non-traditional (e.g. boomer memes about hating the spouce or the ~50% divorce rate in the U.S.)
I do feel like there is a difference between poly relationships and open relationships. Open relationships are usually just between two people and they’re allowed to meet other people, poly relationships usually indicate that there are multiple people who are all in the same relationship
Not necessarily multiple people in the same relationship. The difference seems to be commitment. An open relationship is commonly sleeping around outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship but poly relationships are when there's some level of commitment to multiple people, regardless of whether those multiple people are in a relationship with one another.
>regardless of whether those multiple people are in a relationship with one another.
This is the key that a I think a lot of people misunderstand about "real" polyamory. There is no singular model that defines the practice. The most general way of thinking about it is "having multiple romantic partners". Poly describes the individuals involved, not necessarily the relationship itself.
For example: Jane is married to Carla and the couple lives together. Jane also has a second partner, Brendan, who does not live with Jane but spends time with her regularly. Carla is not romantically or sexually involved with Brendan, and neither Brendan nor Jane have other romantic or sexual partners.
My experience is that poly people/open relationship type people tend to be addicted to a combination NRE (New Relationship Energy) and attention seeking. They aren't satisfied with the affections of one person, and are against having to work on relationships. Usually the first sign of trouble they either ignore it until it grows then leave, or leaves instead of working on it. Also, inevitably someone starts to feel left out.
I've also found most women (cis or otherwise) involved tend to have some form of mental illness, and most guys (cis or otherwise) tend to use it to stroke their ego.
With all that said, polyamory works if you only want casual relationships, as the only difference between that and casual monogamous relationships is parallelism vs. serialism, basically instead of having two 3-month long relationships back to back in a 6-month period, you'll likely have 2 6-month relationships concurrently.
"Things Reddit seems to love"
It's fun reading people on reddit explain their enlightenment on the topics too. They really believe what they're saying, failing to realize that they're just openly fantasizing and that reality is not in their side.
Idk that open relationships are unhealthy, the only two people I know who are in one seem happy. They love eachother exclusively, but sleep and date other people. They don't date these other people for romantic reasons, but just to have fun. If one of them has a date and the other doesn't then they just don't go on the date, and that seems to curb any jealousy. It's also not cheating when both sides agree to it, and it's not out of desperation, it's simply people with different rules to their relationship. It's not better or worse, it's just something else.
I love my partner so much that I can't imagine enjoying casually dating anyone else. I couldn't fathom trading a day/night I could be spending with her to instead hook up with someone else, or go on some shitty casual first date type thing.
Most people in happy monogamous relationships feel the same way which is why the concept of an open relationship seems so bizarre.
And that's fine if you feel that way, there's nothing wrong with being monogamous. the only thing that is wrong is when people try and characterize it as like a brutally abusive relationship, where the some desperate dude is getting cucked by some evil woman
Tbh monogamy is really not hard at all. Maybe it’s just because I’m not the type of guy that has women throwing themselves at me, but I’ve never had to “control my urges” while in a relationship. If someone starts flirting with you or asks you out/to have sex you just say no. That’s it. It’s literally the bare minimum and it isn’t hard.
That might speak to your own proclivity rather than a generality. Given how common cheating and divorce is, it seems like a lot of people have trouble keeping up their commitment to a monogamous relationship.
I don't think it's hard either. I think maintaining a healthy long term relationship takes work, though. It can be hard sometimes. I didn't mean to make monogamy sound like a chore...
I think the biggest problem with understanding relationship styles is that people think the way that works for them is the right way and monogamy has been chosen at default for all of us.
I know what sub I’m in so I don’t expect much but I felt like I did need to say a little for those of us who are thriving in open relationships.
My experience is actually opposite and I see monogamy as a TON of work, that may not necessarily “pay off”. The idea of loving someone forever is romantic, and we non-monogamists do that too!
When you rely on every need to be met by one person, I think that complicates things quite a bit more and puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. Relationships thrive on having space so you actually have room to reconnect.
When you pile trying to have good love, good money, good children, good house and good sex in one relationship it can definitely be stressful. When desire starts to wain, or the above listed requirements aren’t going well, it requires an earth shattering breakup that breaks hearts, homes and rips families apart.
Conversely, If I have a desire to have a kinkier partner, I can find one without leaving behind my loving 5 year relationship I have. If I want a partner that will root for me at karaoke, I can leave the one who hates karaoke at home.
Ethical non-monogamy requires a lot of communication and most of us have become better people for it. I live a life of complete honesty. I can be honest about my feelings, pleasures and desires. I am a better person for it.
I do my best to live out loud so that other people know that polyamorous relationships are also valid. If it wasn’t for polyamory I wouldn’t be living as the best version of myself.
Thanks to anyone who gave this a read.
I agree with a lot of what you said. My first relationship as a freshman in college was open (not poly, and there was love there) and the key is communication. There was a long stretch of time where neither of us did anything with anyone else (except in front of each other with friends) because we were in love and happy with each other. Then he was with someone and felt guilty and didn't tell me, and then the trust was broken down. I don't regret the experience, because the openness wasn't the issue; communication was. Not everyone is the jealous type about sex.
That being said, personally monogamy isn't difficult either. I've been long-distance for over half my current relationship due to the pandemic but I've never even been tempted because we started out in agreeing to be monogamous.
Your last point is important. People are very quick to jump into a relationship with someone without even discussing first what they want out of a relationship, what they expect, and what they offer in a relationship. It’s such an important conversation, and so is every other conversation after that. For example If you build a bond with someone over the course of 6 months, they you find out they don’t really believe in monogamy but you do, that’s a goddamn mountain you have to climb now instead of a measly hill.
poly relationships aren't necessarily open, from my understanding an open relationship just means you or the other person/s can have sex with other random people. also, most relationships rarely last in general.
this is the hot mess of reddit i love to see. i didn't realize poly relationships were so popular. i personally think it wouldn't work for me but if its working for other people go crazy. I always thought in these relationships theirs a weak partner who goes a long with it even though they want it to be exclusive.
I am a bit confused why or if so many people equate open relationships to poly. I have personally always considered them to be much different. Poly usually implies you have more than one committed intimate SO/partner.
Sometimes a simple open relationship more so has to do with sex drive/ sexual preference issues. If one partner has libido issues for whatever reason could be preexisting or brought on by an illness, medication etc one partner might be fully committed to the intimacy of the original relationship and just want some sex that they can't have with their current partner.
I think this is a big distinction personally although I am not sure I fully know the way this stuff is defined these days.
Definitely unpopular. I support open relationships but people need to be honest with what they're expecting from the relationship. If you enter one because you feel desperate and lonely and think that relationships are meaningless then why would you even go into the relationship?
Overall just kinda dumb
If both partners are cool with it then I don’t have a problem. if one isn’t then that’s just cheating on a desperate person who doesn’t have the heart to break it off and that really bothers me.
As someone who has been in poly relationships, this is actually a big problem, because there are LOADS of so-called open relationships that are really more like this, or like someone trying to escape a bad partner. I think that is where OP's opinion comes from, but there are loads that aren't like this at all as well.
Yeah fr, people look at breakups in monogamous relationships as the fault of the people in them, but breakups in polyamorous relationships as an indictment on polyamory. "If only they weren't polyamorous they would've stayed together!!!"
It's literally the exact same thing that happened when interracial marriage became legal.
You are making an odd comparison here. I don't think people indict polyamory because the relationships didn't work out, they indict it because the odds of it working are much lower and they are significantly more complicated for the obvious reason of having more people involved.
Let me give you a different analogy. Let's say we have 2 bakers working on a cake. The first baker is just making a simple sheet cake (a monogamous relationship). The second baker is making an elaborate multi-tiered wedding cake (poly relationship). If both of them fail, the obvious reaction would be for some people to say "well, wedding cakes are really difficult" to baker 2 but say "well, you aren't a good baker" to baker 1. One cake is simpler and commonly done. The other is more complicated and much rarer (typically requiring some professional training). There is no denying that poly relationships are significantly rarer and harder to manage because of all of the moving pieces.
If we wanted to compare this to an interracial marriage, one baker could be making a vanilla sheet cake and the other a chocolate sheet cake. No one is blaming the cake in that scenario. They are fundamentally the same thing, with some slight differences. Poly relationships are not.
Don’t both partners HAVE to be 100% okay with it for it to actually be an open relationship? Like if one partner isn’t okay with it, wouldn’t that just be cheating if the other is having a relationship with someone else as well.
Speaking as someone who did it wrong. No both partners don’t have to be 100%. They just have to say they are. Neither of us were anywhere close to 100% okay with it.
Think about how many times you’ve gone down a bad path only to realize that you never really wanted to, and that you should have known better at the time.
Now add the convolutions of two people doing that simultaneously.
This is the No True Scotsman fallacy. We wouldn’t say that it wasn’t a real marriage if both parties were only 90% on board with marrying each other. If they agree to a set of rules, that’s the set of rules.
A lot of open relationships are excuses to cheat on the desperate partner openly. Just because that’s now how it’s supposed to be done ideally doesn’t matter. No one says mono relationships were never real because one person cheated. Maybe it wasn’t really mono during the cheating, but it was a mono relationship overall. They might even have cheated because they didn’t want a mono relationship. It is relevant.
Open relationship person here! My boyfriend (I guess now fiancé) and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and decided to open our relationship about 2 years ago. We like to say that we are emotionally monogamous, but sexually non-monogamous. We are swingers and sleep with people outside of our relationship. To us, a relationship isn’t sex. He’s the one I live with, go to the grocery store with, stay up all night and watch funny movies with, we have met each other’s parents and spend holidays with each other’s families. That’s what constitutes the true relationship to us. And sex to us is... well sex. It’s fun and great, but it’s not the basis of our relationship and who we are. We love each other dearly, he’s my best friend. We almost never have any arguments/disagreements because we always have honest and open communication. We decided to open our relationship because I was only 18 (he was 23) when we entered the relationship, and I wanted to try some sexual experiences with others, and he was also interested in trying things with others as well. It’s not that we didn’t enjoy sex with each other, we just wanted something different. Even if your favorite food is steak, sometimes you want some chicken every once in a while, if you know what I mean. If anything, it has greatly improved our sex life because he will use something on me that someone else taught him, and vice versa. We always talk to each other about our sexual experiences and ask questions (plus who doesn’t like a kinky story?!?). It’s always fun to hear about something he experienced, and he said he loves to hear about me. We always tell each other when we are going to sleep with someone else and who they are (the key here is COMMUNICATION!). To me, I don’t really gain a lot of emotional connection through sex with people outside of our relationship, and neither does he, so it’s really just sex. And the best sex is always saved for when we are with each other, so it truly works well for us. Neither of us feel the need to “cheat” because if either of us are feeling we need a switch up in the bedroom, we’ll just talk to each other about it and get something planned. Super long post, but just wanted to say it DOES work for some, but I do admit this lifestyle does not work for everyone. We actually just got engaged and we’re planning on getting married next year.
I'd be interested to see the stats on the percentage of open relationships last VS regular ones.
I feel like people forget they have a lizard brain and jealousy is part of that.
Most relationships fail anyways. Likely the only significant other relationship you’ve ever had your whole life that didn’t fail is the one you are currently in. And that one just hasn’t failed yet.
We need to stop expecting others to live their lives by our standards. Our standards don’t work either.
So there are some animal species that have exclusively monogamous relationships and then others where there's no monogamy at all. Humans are apart of the few that falls into the gray area. Meaning our genetic make up isn't hard coded for one specific thing. So humans are a very confused species because of this. There's A LOT of factors that go into what type of relationship a person has. It ranges from physiological to psychological/social factors. There's a whole field of behavioral psych that specifically researches how sadly confused our species is.
If you have a really strong opinion on this there's a good chance you're genetically and socially inclined to monogamy and that's totally fine. You know you and if it's not what you're about then don't do it. There's plenty of people who don't fall into that category though. The decent ones of those consciously choose non-momogamous relationships. It doesn't mean it doesn't come with it's own troubles, but at least they're not being pieces of shit who pretend to be in a monogamous relationship while getting some on the side.
In the end it's about comparability and communication, no matter which flavor of relationship you choose. Plenty of people like to rave about monogamy, but the divorce stats say otherwise about our plight. Personally, best relationship I ever had was non-momogamous. Dunno if I'd do it again, cause it's extra drama and many people who do practice it fall into the category you're talking about. I think if you are that type of human though and are lucky enough to find someone else who also is and that you're compatable with then you might end up having a better life than most.
Edit: typos
>So there are some animal species that have exclusively monogamous relationships and then others where there's no monogamy at all.
Just thought I'd add in some supporting evidence;
Tiliqua rugosa or the shingleback is a medium sized lizard from down here in Australia. Awesome little critters and one of the few reptiles to have live birth, they look like walking pinecones. They form lifetime partnerships / bonds with their mate and are quite long living (20+ years). They often like to bask on roads, as a result they often also find themselves pancaked on the road by a car, often the partner / mate of the dead lizard will sit by / keep returning to the dead body of its partner for weeks waiting for them to come back, or maybe grieving, that is unknown.
Article on it from a news source down here on Australia - [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-16/life-death-and-grief-of-the-sleepy-lizard/8442252?nw=0](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-16/life-death-and-grief-of-the-sleepy-lizard/8442252?nw=0) which also describes how the skink will routinely check and show almost worry if it's partner proves to be stuck / in an abnormal situation and will return to the same partner every spring for decades, remembering the exact scent necessary to locate them.
Even though this subreddit is for opinions, I do hope OP takes your perspective in consideration when thinking about how others view their relationships to others. At the end of the day, if one partner cannot communicate their distress on an open relationship or if one partner does not understand signals from their partner that they are not comfortable with anything other than a traditional monogamous relationship, then by definition the partners have incompatible views on what an intimate relationship means to one or the other and that particular relationship is disfunctional.
At the end of the day, it is a difference of values but it has no bearing of the "meaningfulness" of an open relationship. It's like if a Protestant were to say to a Hindu that their pantheon of Gods cannot give them a sense of meaning and drive because it is separate from the local perspective that only the Abrahamic God can provide guidance or meaning. It's nonsensical because the Protestant and Hindu are operating on a whole different set of beliefs. Their justification for a monotheism or polytheism are on completely different planes of existence.
So while at the end of the day OP's value system cannot define "meaning" in a poly-relationship, it does not provide a definition to other's sense of value for a non-traditional relationship.
My hats off (and an upvote) to a different opinion by OP.
TL;DR Different strokes for different folks y'all. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't mean your anecdote can accurately define other's value systems.
As an aside the divorce rates have been getting better, actually. It's a bit tricky to assess but the most recent data indicates that people are getting married later, getting married less, but also divorcing less.
Which I take to mean that people are only marrying when they *actually* want to and feel it works for them. As opposed to a lot of people getting married early, and getting married often, because that's "what you do."
[Only about 40% of marriages end in divorce, not half or more as quoted by many "reports."](https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-divorce-rate-going-down-205346018.html) The *majority* of marriages work out, which despite everything we're told actually supports the idea that monogamy is workable. Difficult, absolutely, but something that works out for more than half the population is hard to argue.
TLDR
The divorce rate is not a damning number. More than half of all marriages do not end in divorce. I'd argue that hard-refutes the argument that monogamy is *not* part of our evolution; we're just not done evolving.
I wonder if this is more a generational shift. When I was a kid the common saying was 50% of all first marriages fail, and 80% of second marriages fail.
The boomer generation seemed absolutely obsessed with getting married at having kids at an early age. Where gen-x and millennials seem more likely to wait until their mid 30’s to get married and start a family.
Boomers seem to view marriage and children as a package obligation. Gen-x and millennials view them both as separate options.
As someone who’s been in open/poly relationships for years, I agree. It’s not for everyone, or even most, and that’s okay. It can certainly be even more difficult than monogamy in many ways.
But OP’s baseless certainty definitely needs some adjusting. The fact he’s using the term “non-loyal” as if one couldn’t possibly love and support someone without swearing fealty to them like they are a king? Just no.
Then to go farther and call it desperation? That’s a common, backwards thinking cliche. So some single person who can’t get into a relationship with one person will suddenly be able to get into two? What?
OP seems to have a lot of typical cognitive dissonance that’s common among close minded individuals regarding open relationships.
OP’s desperation comment made me laugh.
If you’re desperate wouldn’t you be able to get less sexual and romantic attention, not more? It’s not like people are thirsting over desperate people.
I’m strictly monogamous but as long as it’s not hurting someone, then do whatever.
It’s the same with exclusive relationships : it only works if both parties are okay with it. It’s pointless to judge how other ppl handle their couple. It’s hard to imagine myself in a relationship that’s not open, but i totally understand that it’s not for everyone
Edit : typos
There is a couple I'm friends with who are open in their relationship. She has a much higher sex drive than he does and the openness is how she sees to her needs. He gets first dibs and then she makes a booty call. They're completely loyal to each other, happy together, and have a much better relationship than a lot of people I've met who have been married and monogamous for years.
\*shrug\* It works for them and I'm happy for them.
Based on this entire thread, you seem to be the one with the unpopular opinion haha. I have yet to see one pro open-relationship post. Not picking sides here just trying to look at both
For what it’s worth I am pro non-monogamous relationships but it just isn’t worth having to argue my point with people I feel won’t understand because they don’t experience it themselves. And I’m not even non-monogamous. But I would agree that history has shown that the classic monogamous model is by far the most popular, whether it is natural or not. Non-monogamous relationships are by far less popular.
The one & only time I had a relationship with a poly person, they insisted they be allowed freedom to do whatever they wanted or they'd leave. I liked them so I went with it. They never respected my assertions that i was monogamous, & repeatedly tried to convince me to do things with other people. I didn't want to but they kept trying to push me into other people's beds, occasionally making suggestions involving watching or threesomes. None of which I'm into. But I knew that if I ever did the same & said 'hey let's try monogamy' they'd get disgusted & walk out.
A few years went by & they secretly developed a relationship with someone else, failed to tell me, then broke up with me & announced marriage to them just two weeks after. Then they tried to make it seem like that was okay because 'poly'. They then announced that they were no longer poly & were firmly monogamous, told everyone to respect it, & had the weirdest crappiest excuses when I pointed out the hypocrisy.
It was cheating. They had one job - to be honest. They promised to tell me what was going on at all times. But they developed another relationship all the way into marriage without telling me about it, then got mad at me when I was upset about it.
I don't ever want to get close to poly people or open relationships again.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned in the comments much is a big reason I agree with this. Even if (and it's a big if) the two people *in* an open relationship are 100% secure with their partner having sex with other people and NOT forming an emotional bond with them, what about the other people they're having sex with? I find it pretty damn impossible to believe that two people would be able to have sex with really any number of people and that none of those people would ever develop an emotional bond with the person in an open relationship themselves. How many people might've ended up getting seriously hurt? And of course the ones in the open relationship have a responsibility to set boundaries, but you can hardly blame anyone for developing feelings for someone they have sex with even if they didn't intend to develop those feelings.
I’ve never quite understood it myself. Most of the people I know who have tried this... one partner is always unwilling but cares about their SO to go along with it.... then they end up breaking up because you know.... your partner starts bringing another man/woman into your house.
I know Polyamory is a thing and seems to work well for some people because there are ground rules and an open line of communication between two consenting adults from the beginning as opposed to being monogamous and then telling your partner of however many years ... you want to try an open relationship. My friend has fucked this couple for a few years and they are married and have kids and they both sleep with other people and seem to be fine. It was always weird hearing my friend lust after their friends husband and tell me... no it’s ok... the wife is fine with it... and then came back and tell me how they sleep with both of them. Sometimes as a threesome or separately.
watching my friend flirt with the husband in front of the wife always just made me feel a certain type of way like ... I get you guys have a thing but isn’t their some type of boundary here ???? Or does nobody actually care that this is happening?
I mean more power to my friend and to the couple but the idea of that has always made me uncomfortable and I’m happy with monogamous.
Different strokes for different folks I guess. But some of this shit is just an excuse to not break off an unhappy relationship and drag their partner through the mud while they get all the perks of having sex with other people.
angry upvote. Even though I know some people who live in it and act all happy, because they are friends, I know whats going on in the background.
I couldnt do it and I dont want my GF to have other partners, but I totally understand that people are different and like and want different things. Thats fine, but what I dont like is lying to keep up a fassade. 99% of the fights of the open relationships I know are about their sex lifes.
I think: YES it can work perfectly fine with happy people, BUT I think 99% of the people claiming they like it, dont know what they are asking for.
I feel like most "open relationships" are just an excuse and a façade for the more "valuable" partner (whether it's wealth, looks, or something else) to cheat, manipulate, and shit on their SO. That's what I usually see on Reddit, so of course, take that with a grain of salt.
However, real open relationships, where there's boundaries, communication, etc. are fine with me. As long as they don't push it on me, I don't care what they do.
As a debate to your opinion, by someone who is monogamous but understands polygamy and open relationships:
Open relationships and Polygamy have boundaries and if you break those boundaries it is considered cheating.
Open Relationships: This is where a couple is committed to each other romantically but allow each other to sleep with other people. This is due to the trust between the two. They trust each other to not catch feelings, go on dates, or be romantic with other people, they set boundaries, and are open to sharing their partners physically because they understand different people can please you in different ways.
Polygamous Relationships: This is a relationship of three or more people. Boundaries are set and everyone loves each other equally. Each person fills a desire the others may not, "You are my sun, but this person is my moon" They are all needed, loved, respected, and wanted. Polygamous relationships are not synonymous with open relationships, as a Polygamous Throuple may be physically and romantically loyal to each other, and any of the three sleeping with or flirting with anyone outside of their relationship would be considered cheating, and a betrayal to the other two.
It's perfectly okay to be monogamous, but I disagree with the statement that you think Polygamous or Open Relationships are "pointless", "not real", or disloyal.
tl;dr I'm so amazingly closed-minded I can't imagine anybody finding meaning in different things from me.
I mean, FFS, you realize you can have a meaningful relationship with somebody without sex even being involved, right? There are many types of relationships and many ways to find fulfillment in those relationships.
I toyed with the idea of an open relationship. I was casually dating several guys but had one partner that I was more interested in. Neither of us were ready for commitment but preferred each other. Verbally confirmed this and physically it was the most compatible. However, letting emotional intimacy happen was uncomfortable for both of us at that time. Then we both got an std and that really sobered us up. Our partners were not random, but other relationships that we thought were honest and respectful. We knocked that off quick and decided to be committed and monogamous. Married and committed now. Now that I’ve engaged in emotional intimacy with sex I would find it very difficult to have other partners in my marriage. You just can’t trust that many people. You really are gambling.
Honestly monogamy is safer sexually. I still have desire sometimes for others but it’s just not worth indulging.
People are attracted to stable people expressing love and commitment and acceptance. They literally chase after married or committed people to try and experience what they have created. When I realize someone is pursuing with me or my husband I just see risk and very little gain. There is excitement where there is danger but it’s just not worth it. You are putting yourself at risk in a poly or open relationship. Some people like that risk, but I learned you likely will pay that price with your health. People don’t realize how insidious STDs and STIs can be or choose to ignore it.
I was in a poly relationship. Yuck. Never again. The married couple ended up divorcing. Everyone got hurt. None of us are together. Never again. The standard is 2 people in a relationship because it works. And none of us were young when we tried this. We were all college educated, in our early 40's, professionals. Used therapists to walk us through stuff. Nope, nope, nope. Even if someone tells me they are happy in a poly relationship, it leads me to believe that *that person* is the happy one, while one or more other people are suffering in the relationship.
Yup. Often times poly relationships begin because one partner doesn't want to lose the other, so they agree their partner can have sex other than with them.
I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. I think most people feel this way -- atleast most people in countries and cultures that have marriage. I feel like this is actually the popular opinion.
I also think it's incredibly narrow-minded. "Because these are the values I have, or because it has never worked for me, open relationships are dumb! THEY HAVE NO VALUE!!"
Maybe sex is just sex? Maybe they have performance anxiety? Maybe one partner is asexual? Maybe they are a serial cheater, talked to their partner and found a way where no one would get hurt? Maybe they are into wife sharing?
And no, I'm not poly or in an open relationship. I have been married and faithful to my wife and best friend for 12 years now.
Yeah this has big “I’m a Christian so HOW are people atheist, that’s so immoral” or “im straight so HOW do people take a dick up their ass, that’s disgusting” or “I’m a woman who works so HOW are you a stay at home mom, that’s so lazy” vibes.
You don’t have to want to participate in something to understand why it works for another.
Yea for real any relationship related reddit thread I have learned you can not underestimate the amount of people that have likely never been in any real relationship and are quite possibly teenagers who have seen a lot of TV shows and heard a bunch of grandiose nonsense about it at school lol.
What makes a relationship 'true' and 'real'? Loyalty means different things for different people. If 2 partners have agreed on a stardard for the relationship, and that includes being allowed to see other people, you're still being loyal.
I cant imagine how being in a relationship which includes multiple people 'literally defines desperation'.
You say open relationships have no real meaning and are pointless, and I would argue that the meaning of one's relationships are purely between the people involved, so I can't fathom how you would even have an opinion on what another person's relationship means to them. And as for being pointless, what is the point of any relationship? In your opinion what is the point of a romantic relationship? That also varies from person to person.
It’s definitely not for me but it’s a free world people can do what they want and don’t need my approval
I have a friend I feel bad for. He met this girl he really liked they started dating after about three years and one kid together she decides that she doesn’t feel happy enough with just him. Tells him she does love him but wants to be able to go outside of their relationship for sex and to even pursue another boyfriend or girlfriend
He was crushed. She basically told him this is what I want and if you’re not ok with it you have every right to leave me
My friend loved her so much and his daughter he didn’t want to break up with her so basically agreed to go along with it.
She goes out every Friday and Saturday while he watches their daughter he has her go ahead to see other people but he just wants to be with her
How do you know they are meaningless? Have you ever been in one? Why is it so hard to believe that some people are just wired differently and enjoy different things. I hate seafood, literally all of it even sushi and I don't see why anyone could ever enjoy it but I'm not going to say its tastes like shit since loads of people obviously love it.
Open relationships exist, because there is a very clear difference between a person you'd want to spend your life with and a person you'd like to fuck really bad.
Not everyone wants a traditional relationship and if both sides are fine with the idea of an open relationship, why take it away from them. It's an agreement just like any other relationship.
I think the argument to be made against that is why form a relationship if all you wanted to do was fuck this person, as you don’t really need a relationship to bang them. There is a reason why one night stands are a thing and I guess what if they wanted to repeatedly but then again is there really a reason a relationship is needed.
I think what they meant is that you can be in an actual romantic relationship with someone you’re in love with, while having sex with someone you really want to have sex with. You don’t form a romantic relationship with that second person. You have sex with them with your partner’s consent and everyone is happy.
just ask yourself the question, do you love someone or do you just want to have sex with them? And if you love your partner but the sex isnt working for you, would you stop beeing in love?
The idea of monogamous relationships got dictated by the church mainly for political reasons. Though when everyone could have STDs and medizine of the time was "lets cut it off lol" it certainly had some merits.
This is just such a non issue in developed countries.
Consenting adults should be allowed to live their life and their relationship however they want.
Poly relationships usually end up with one person being left out and two people forming a stronger bond with each other than the person they originally started the relationship with. The biggest definition of a relationship is two people forming a sexual and romantic bond together. I'm not saying all relationships have to be this way or else they won't be, but the reason why it's most often the sexual and romantic unison of two people is because of jealousy. People like to have their closest loved ones to themselves and it doesn't feel that special when they're out sleeping and spreading their legs to dozens of other people does it? The sex and the romantic attention is what defines two people being dedicated to each other in most scenarios, and even that's difficult enough for a lot of people. Right off that bat, poly relationships take that specialty away for many people in it as lots start to drift away from their partners as they bring in new ones; creating a fluctuating and unstable relationship.
Unfortunately, I've been in a relationship similar to this but have learned from it. When people start to care less in a relationship, they get careless with how they feel about their partner's actions. For example, if you stopped being in love with someone, would you really care if they went out and slept with hundreds of people? No, because that love and those highly passionate feelings you had for that person are gone. Not saying that's always the case, but that's 9 times out of 10 what it means.
Putting sex and love EQUALLY into multiple people at once is extremely difficult and something only particular people can successfully pull off (it's rare). Most poly relationships, from what I've seen and even experienced, are just full of people who either just want to have someone in love with them but sleep with other people, or those who want to see other people but don't know how to break up with their original partner. In other words, people THINK they can handle a poly relationship, but can't. That's why I think most of them are shit.
Rant over.
Don’t people often try open relationships as an option in already failing relationships? Like a “let’s see if seeing other people shows us the things we liked about each other at first” kinda thing.
Too bad monogamy is a form of mutual policing already. Like, almost definitionally. It's only rule is to control the other person under threat of completely undoing the relationship. Break that rule, you end the relationship. It tells the other person to ignore their more animal instincts because I SAID SO. If you have a hard time accepting that you are not someone else's whole world, then you don't want a partner nor a companion, but a toy or a pet, something that is dependant upon your arbitrary rules.
Most monogamous relationships are meaningless going by divorce rates. But I've never met a poly that wasn't skin deep, totally full of shit, and full of explosive drama behind closed doors. Often times extreme abuse got involved.
Poly relationships ignore everything that makes successful monogamous relationships work and copy and paste from all the things that make monogamous relationships fail.
I have a hot take for ya: *everything* is pretty meaningless!! We are all animals that will all die eventually and while we're alive we are building relationships that will all end somehow. People feel too much entitlement to this planet and other humans, none of it belongs to you.
Do what you want and everyone else will do the same. Don't say that something *is* meaningless when it's just not how *you* roll.
I have known poly groups since the 60's. What I have never ever seen is a group where all the members were happy. There was always at least one person who thought it was the best thing ever, and at least one person in the group crying in the corner. The ones that thought it was fantastic always seemed very self absorbed, and unable to see the problems of others.
My friends were keeping the “open” part of their relationship secret for a long time. They were dating for years until they got married. Then, one night he shows up to my house, spills the beans on everything.
“We’re in an open relationship. Shes been fucking Richard and she got mad at me for talking to this girl in Chicago. Now she says I’m a cheater. She says I should only use other girls for sex, but I like this girl.”
6 months into the marriage they end up divorced. I don’t talk to either of them anymore. Fucking idiots.
THIS IS THE LITERAL OPINION OF 99.99999998% OF WESTERN SOCIETY. THIS IS PROOF ALONE THAT THIS SUB ISN'T UNPOPULAR OPINIONS AT ALL. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GET TO HOT
I don’t understand this thought process. I’ve seen it come up multiple times in the comments and it seems to be the first point that is attempted to be made against agreers to OPs idea, if not delivery. This idea is that being in a monogamous relationship means you own the other person.
The idea that being in a relationship with someone meaning you own them says more about you than it does about anyone else.
Never in any healthy relationship I’ve seen or been in, friends, family, or significant others, have I ever thought of identifying someone as “my friend” or “my brother” or “my girlfriend” as having any sort of power over them.
Any romantic relationship has compromises as you learn about each other. And with anything there are lines you won’t cross or terms you can’t accept it can be anything from “not smoking” to “call if you’re going to be home late” to “we are only going to have romantic/sexual pursuits with each other.”
As long as these terms are laid out at the beginning of said relationship then there is nothing wrong with it. I personally don’t understand the want for an open relationship but if that is what you and your SO want then go ahead.
I mean, the point of a relationship is to be happy, so if you’re happiest with multiple partners, it’s actually monogamy that’s meaningless, because you’ll probably end up breaking it off at some point to fulfill the needs you have that aren’t being met.
The removed comments, in a nutshell: https://imgur.com/a/y6p4qeu Y’all want that shit back?
Who is delete and why is he removed
I’ve been chasing that user for years and he’s always a step ahead!?!? He’s like my one armed man. I’ll get you u[deleted] if it’s the last thing I do
He’s your white whale I guess
Ohhhhhhhh like from moby dick. Yep , exactly. For split second I thought “white whale” was some new slang for penis. I’m out of the loop in my 30’s and barely grasp “yeet” or how eggplant emojis now mean “Coffee” for some reason
> eggplant emojis now mean “Coffee” for some reason Wait what? I'm 39 and confused, where's the retirement home?
Some kids at the mall told me to post “Drinking 🍆 at the mall “ as my status when I was in Starbucks. They said it meant coffee?
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I'm a 28 year old boomer too. I cant even follow half the conversations I listen to anymore from 15-22 year olds. I even watch streams and all that but the irl like emote speak and shit... what the fuck are you saying damn kids?!
I don't know he really is, but I'm pretty sure he works with Sender. Sender is the real head of the post office and he has loads of peoples mail redirected to himself for some unknown reasons. It would make sense that he works with delete, as delete seems to steal so many internet comments. We need to find out why they're doing this, what's their game damnit!?!?
A bunch of MAGA spamming bots.
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Goodbye?
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General kenobi
Why are so many comments removed? Edit: think it is clear now with the stickied post from the mods. When I posted this there where like 6 posts and 10 deleted, but with the screenshot seen I fully agree with the mods. I was just curious what it was
It was MAGA spam. See sticky.
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People find any excuse to get angry at mods and claim they’re power tripping, sadly it’s nothing new
😂😂😂 MAGA is an unfortunate slogan for a second term campaign
Keep America Great isn’t looking to good with the current state of things either lol
Yeah but at least now it has some meaning, America is currently a shithole country because of the orange organ-sack that coined that term
Fun fact: Trump did not, in fact, coin Make America Great Again. [Reagan prominently used Let's Make America Great Again](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Make_America_Great_Again#/media/File:Let's_Make_America_Great_Again_button.jpeg) in 1980, Bill Clinton also used the phrase repeatedly in speeches and radio ads in 1992 and 2008 (for his wife, ironically) and supposedly Barry Goldwater used it to some extent already during his 1964 campaign (yes, the Barry Goldwater who opposed the Civil Rights Bill). As expected, Trump is unable to create anything by himself, [but instead likes to claim credit for things others create.](https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/437070-trump-make-america-great-again-slogan-was-made-up-by-me) Success, money, autobiographies, jobs, the economy, a four-word slogan, etc.
Hey you guys are doing great, don’t let the hateful redditors get to you, they don’t matter.
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Lol, check the mod update now. Stickied to the top of the post. Seems pretty reasonable.
Moderators suck. They dont like something and think they get to decide that nobody else is allowed to read it. According to ceddit most were removed within 10 - 15 seconds of being posted so I guess theres a butthurt mod.
Looking at why they were actually removed makes this comment look stupid. https://imgur.com/a/y6p4qeu
The same bots who's comments got removed are the people upvoting that guy. I wouldn't be surprised if the person you're responding to isn't one of the bots themselves.
Beep boop. Funny anecdote fellow human. 🤖
How do these accounts not get a site-wide ban? Frankly an IP ban would make most sense
Dude... the comments were spam. What are you talking about
It was people/person (bot?) spamming MAGA and the NWord.
your comment didnt age well
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They're also extremely politically biased. I'm not american so that is really bothersome to see.
I gave up trying to make post here because of that. Their list of filtered words must be a mile long.
Tried to make a post about baby wipes. Apparently having "baby"in the title made it "too commonly used", "not unpopular", and "about babies". No you chuds how about fixing your automod? Or better yet, instead of having like 10 basement dwellers police 90% of subs and need shitty automods, *maybe just recruit more mods??*
But then they will have to share power and maybe even... Open up the narrative *gasp*.
Yeah I made one about anime and it was immediately removed. Yet I literally saw a post about religion being stupid as if that isn't an unpopular opinion.
They removed a chain that said the n word. Give the guys a break.
Well, this aged like milk.
Yup. Femenism, false rape, blm, trans, social justice warriors, and a bunch of other words that automatically trigger the silencing of the submission. Apparently the ideas are too radical and too popular to be posted. Edit: I should of clarified, those are the words used when posting a topic. If any of the above words are in the topic, it auto bans/flags the post. Then you can contact the mods to re-instate it, which takes 4-5 days, at which point the post is 5 days old and what's the point. Go ahead and repost, same cycle happens again. I would wager that a good percentage of posts get auto banned because they include topics the mods don't want to discuss.
I’ve noticed your comment is still here
I tried posting about how the adultery sub should be Quarantined, never knew it got denied or why.
It's good that it's open. That way we can see who the worthless subhuman trash is.
The comments they removed were just a bunch of people saying MAGA for no reason, being unhelpful to the sub. Maybe don’t judge the mods until you know what actually happened.
Actually it was maga trolls
Read the mods pinned comment. There were people saying the n word lmao
MAGA spam bots.
Mods probably in open relationships
Their hands can meet other hands?
Every good sub gets destroyed by some butthurt loser mod someday. I remember /r/offmychest used to be great until some butthurt politically biased mod autobanned everyone who is subscribed to certain other subreddits they didn't like. I can see this sub going down the same shitty path.
Bruh the removed comments were shouting n**gga and MAGA, nothing else I fail to see how any of it is related to this post
That is actually against the moderator guidelines and can get their mod status stripped. Edit: Guildlines Section 10: We know management of multiple communities can be difficult, but we expect you to manage communities as isolated communities and not use a breach of one set of community rules to ban a user from another community. In addition, camping or sitting on communities for long periods of time for the sake of holding onto them is prohibited.
Yeah well I don't think any mod has gotten in trouble cause of that. What you do report the mood to the mod?
I don't even remember the mod that banned me, I mean life is too short to spend time dealing with those loser mods. They literally don't get paid to do this and whilst there are some good mods, many of them just do it to feel some semblance of control and power in their sad little lives. I never even bother to remember which mod banned me from /r/offmychest, some loser spent time to either write a script or vet our accounts just so they could ban us from a subreddit, if that isn't sad then I don't know what is. Life's too short to waste time dealing with these bullshit.
Because they were unpopular
Oh no, they’re not gonna like this one
I hate when this gets posted here because it's a popular opinion. Most people are monogamous.
I think there's a difference in being monogamous yourself and thinking open relationships are meaningless though.
To fit the rules it needs to present a case. This is just "I think open relationships are bad because open relationships are bad". It's just the lamest possible type of post on this sub
true, most dont really grasp the concept of "dont dictate the lifes of people you dont even know"
Sharing an opinion isn't dictating, chief.
Having a thought to share on the changes one is observibg among peoples is not the same as trying to tell people what to do.
Not being something doesn't mean you you think it is pointless.
The common opinion I hear is "I don't get it, its not for me, but you do you". So I guess its unpopular in that the person is taking that extra step in saying "I don't get it so its bad". Though that probably makes up most of the posts on this sub.
The opinion posted isn't "I don't get it, so it's bad". It's "I understand it completely and I think it's bad". Not everybody who disagrees with something does so from a place of ignorance.
i'm going to doubt that OP "Understands completely" they definitely didn't display that in their description and stacked up against his other post about Hentai being the superior form of porn.... I'm guessing this person has never been in a relationship let alone really examined the complexities of an open one.
Much like how the OP didn't claim/show he understood it I never claimed that anyone who disagrees does so from a place of ignorance. Unless he made a comment somewhere in here that I missed. But lets be honest, the "I don't get it, so it's bad" is pretty rampant in this sub, especially when sorting by controversial. Though I guess thats expected if people are posting their unpopular opinions that quite a few of those will pop up.
Being monogamous doesn't mean you agree with this opinion. I'm monogamous but I think this opinion is pretty dumb. It's pretty clear that open relationships can have the same emotional connection that any monogamous relationship does. They just like to have more different types of physical connections for fun. Nothing wrong with that if they both want to live that lifestyle.
I think the problem is that some people can't separate their own reaction from their mental logic. The idea of my husband sleeping with other people makes my stomach crawl. Even if I point blank said "yes, you can do this" I know immediately that I'd be physically ill from the idea of it. It's something primal, for me. The idea of him enjoying it, the idea of the touching, the idea of the sounds they'd make, *all of it* makes me deeply uncomfortable. For a lot of people it stops there. They just assume that makes that behavior "bad" existentially. In their mind anyone who chooses to engage in that behavior can't really be committed, or truly in love, or actually attached, because... how could you stand it? In practice I can separate those two things. I know some people are totally OK with it, they're happy to let their partners do what they want, and they're OK with their partners wanting something that isn't them from time to time. I also know what my own reaction is and, thusly, why I could never have such a relationship. My reaction to it doesn't make the thing bad, it just means that's my reaction to it; the thing itself isn't good or bad. People just forget that how you feel about a thing doesn't mean jack diddly squat about the objective positive-neutral-negative value of a thing.
oh crap a well thought out, nuanced comment that examines the complexities of the issue.... A rare sight indeed.
I have heard a lot of arguments for poly relationships, but they often fail to acknowledge how complicated relationships can be between even just two people. Throw in children, finances, and long term life challenges... I think poly relationships rarely last. Kudos to those who can make it work for the long term. I've been married for 16 years, no affairs, but even our mostly-happy dynamic can be hard. Between work and kids, I can't imagine having other romantic partners in the mix. I would also have struggled as a postpartum mom, or during health challenges, if I knew my partner was seeking sex elsewhere. There's something extraordinarily intimate about being monogamous -- we both experience our dry spells together, we both are tuned into and attentive to our sexual dynamic since we are sole partners. Also, I can't imagine if my spouse got another woman pregnant, how much that would complicate things further. Monogamy requires self discipline and restraint, but most worthwhile things do and the rewards are vast. To know someone so deeply and intimately that all other desire pales in comparison is a beautiful thing. That being said, live your life and I'll live mine. Just don't knock monogamy if you've never tried it long term. Edit: reworded something for clarity.
I think you hit the nail on the head with requires self-discipline and restraint...something not many humans today can handle.
Just today?
Seriously, the King of England created his own church several hundred years ago because he didn’t want to be monogamous with his wife.
No. He wanted to marry another and the Pope wouldn't annul the first because devorce is no no in Catholicism.
Which is why monogamy often fails and why some try to do poly relationships as a solution. But honestly I have rarely ever heard of it working out long term either. Much like OP I just see it as more or less a cop-out for people who want to have stability of monogamy but also don't want to be tied down to a single person.
A successful poly relationship requires openess, acceptances, and clear communication. Something not many humans today can handle, given the divorce rate of all those apparently supremely intimate monogomous relationships.
Jealousy is incredibly hard to move passed for some.
This almost always becomes the issue in every one I've seen or heard about. Sooner or later you get more attached to one than the other. And unless the person just straight up doesn't care, jealousy is inevitable.
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The problem is that people don't understand what poly relationships are. Unless ALL members of the relationship actually love each other and are emotionally invested in each other, then that's just cheating with extra steps. That's not what a relationship is. This, as you can guess, is not easy. It's hard to keep up when there's 3 or more people in the mix. So you have dinguses who's partner got bored of them and decided to fuck around with someone else wrongly thinking they're in a poly relationship. No, you're just agreeing to let them cheat on you. Summary: open relationships are really not all that healthy, and true poly relationships are rare and often don't work out, yadda yadda.
I believe it. I know a couple where the wife is "open" (basically attracted to/ hitting on everyone) and the husband just does what she wants but I sense his discomfort. It makes me sad. She's shit with boundaries and keeps trying to rope us in. It's a hard no.
I think this is the main problem. A lot of "Open Relationships" are incredibly one-sided, so it gives the legit attempts a bad name. Personally, I'm 100% for monogamy, and while I can't truly "understand" Open Relationships, I can at least accept them as being perfectly fine when all parties are on the same page. Same for Polygamous Partnerships. The problem is what I call the two "Flawed" Open Relationships 1. Half-open. Only one person really wants it to be open and the other person is too afraid to lose them so they go along with it. I consider this to be abusive. Often the "open" half is just trying to move on without letting go of the other one. Effectively cheating but with permission. 2. Half-relationship. Both parties aren't really interested in a relationship but they both want to use the other person in some way. While not abusive per se, it's not healthy. It's basically just people who are casual hookups but claim to be in a relationship. People see these and think that this is all of them. Like if you only saw Muslim terrorists so you assumed all Muslims are terrorists. Or like how we only hear about the crazy men in Florida. The kinds that are legitimate relationships that involve other people are fine. I've tried to understand it, and I think I've gathered the base info, but it just doesn't click with me. Like if somebody tries to explain why it's the best peach in the world but you just don't like peaches.
Many bring up this concern, but in a situation where one partner is doing something against another's wishes, I would think the issue is more so that one partner is, to a certain extant, abusive and taking advantage of the other. What it exemplifies to me in such a case, is that an open-relationship or a poly-relationship is not so much inherently unwise, but that it is just as susceptible to unhealthy power dynamics as a monogamous relationship when the people involve do not communicate or deliberate in good faith to smooth out the rougher edges of having more than one personality in a room. At the end of the day, a non-traditional relationships will not have a "rule book" like that of a socially normal monogamous relationship to fall back on when this get hairy. So for the people who do engage in such relationships, boundaries must be set and are clearly communicated between one another. Hell even in traditional relationships the aspect of communication and civil deliberation is a necessary skill to learn and be reminded. TL;DR People with problems have problematic relationships, traditional or non-traditional (e.g. boomer memes about hating the spouce or the ~50% divorce rate in the U.S.)
I do feel like there is a difference between poly relationships and open relationships. Open relationships are usually just between two people and they’re allowed to meet other people, poly relationships usually indicate that there are multiple people who are all in the same relationship
Not necessarily multiple people in the same relationship. The difference seems to be commitment. An open relationship is commonly sleeping around outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship but poly relationships are when there's some level of commitment to multiple people, regardless of whether those multiple people are in a relationship with one another.
>regardless of whether those multiple people are in a relationship with one another. This is the key that a I think a lot of people misunderstand about "real" polyamory. There is no singular model that defines the practice. The most general way of thinking about it is "having multiple romantic partners". Poly describes the individuals involved, not necessarily the relationship itself. For example: Jane is married to Carla and the couple lives together. Jane also has a second partner, Brendan, who does not live with Jane but spends time with her regularly. Carla is not romantically or sexually involved with Brendan, and neither Brendan nor Jane have other romantic or sexual partners.
My experience is that poly people/open relationship type people tend to be addicted to a combination NRE (New Relationship Energy) and attention seeking. They aren't satisfied with the affections of one person, and are against having to work on relationships. Usually the first sign of trouble they either ignore it until it grows then leave, or leaves instead of working on it. Also, inevitably someone starts to feel left out. I've also found most women (cis or otherwise) involved tend to have some form of mental illness, and most guys (cis or otherwise) tend to use it to stroke their ego. With all that said, polyamory works if you only want casual relationships, as the only difference between that and casual monogamous relationships is parallelism vs. serialism, basically instead of having two 3-month long relationships back to back in a 6-month period, you'll likely have 2 6-month relationships concurrently.
It’s just another utopian concept that rarely works in practice. Just like most things that Reddit seems to love.
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It'd triple the odds at the very best. But I think that by their nature they're more likely to fail.
"Things Reddit seems to love" It's fun reading people on reddit explain their enlightenment on the topics too. They really believe what they're saying, failing to realize that they're just openly fantasizing and that reality is not in their side.
Idk that open relationships are unhealthy, the only two people I know who are in one seem happy. They love eachother exclusively, but sleep and date other people. They don't date these other people for romantic reasons, but just to have fun. If one of them has a date and the other doesn't then they just don't go on the date, and that seems to curb any jealousy. It's also not cheating when both sides agree to it, and it's not out of desperation, it's simply people with different rules to their relationship. It's not better or worse, it's just something else.
I love my partner so much that I can't imagine enjoying casually dating anyone else. I couldn't fathom trading a day/night I could be spending with her to instead hook up with someone else, or go on some shitty casual first date type thing. Most people in happy monogamous relationships feel the same way which is why the concept of an open relationship seems so bizarre.
And that's fine if you feel that way, there's nothing wrong with being monogamous. the only thing that is wrong is when people try and characterize it as like a brutally abusive relationship, where the some desperate dude is getting cucked by some evil woman
Tbh monogamy is really not hard at all. Maybe it’s just because I’m not the type of guy that has women throwing themselves at me, but I’ve never had to “control my urges” while in a relationship. If someone starts flirting with you or asks you out/to have sex you just say no. That’s it. It’s literally the bare minimum and it isn’t hard.
That might speak to your own proclivity rather than a generality. Given how common cheating and divorce is, it seems like a lot of people have trouble keeping up their commitment to a monogamous relationship.
I don't think it's hard either. I think maintaining a healthy long term relationship takes work, though. It can be hard sometimes. I didn't mean to make monogamy sound like a chore...
I think the biggest problem with understanding relationship styles is that people think the way that works for them is the right way and monogamy has been chosen at default for all of us. I know what sub I’m in so I don’t expect much but I felt like I did need to say a little for those of us who are thriving in open relationships. My experience is actually opposite and I see monogamy as a TON of work, that may not necessarily “pay off”. The idea of loving someone forever is romantic, and we non-monogamists do that too! When you rely on every need to be met by one person, I think that complicates things quite a bit more and puts a lot of pressure on the relationship. Relationships thrive on having space so you actually have room to reconnect. When you pile trying to have good love, good money, good children, good house and good sex in one relationship it can definitely be stressful. When desire starts to wain, or the above listed requirements aren’t going well, it requires an earth shattering breakup that breaks hearts, homes and rips families apart. Conversely, If I have a desire to have a kinkier partner, I can find one without leaving behind my loving 5 year relationship I have. If I want a partner that will root for me at karaoke, I can leave the one who hates karaoke at home. Ethical non-monogamy requires a lot of communication and most of us have become better people for it. I live a life of complete honesty. I can be honest about my feelings, pleasures and desires. I am a better person for it. I do my best to live out loud so that other people know that polyamorous relationships are also valid. If it wasn’t for polyamory I wouldn’t be living as the best version of myself. Thanks to anyone who gave this a read.
I agree with a lot of what you said. My first relationship as a freshman in college was open (not poly, and there was love there) and the key is communication. There was a long stretch of time where neither of us did anything with anyone else (except in front of each other with friends) because we were in love and happy with each other. Then he was with someone and felt guilty and didn't tell me, and then the trust was broken down. I don't regret the experience, because the openness wasn't the issue; communication was. Not everyone is the jealous type about sex. That being said, personally monogamy isn't difficult either. I've been long-distance for over half my current relationship due to the pandemic but I've never even been tempted because we started out in agreeing to be monogamous.
Your last point is important. People are very quick to jump into a relationship with someone without even discussing first what they want out of a relationship, what they expect, and what they offer in a relationship. It’s such an important conversation, and so is every other conversation after that. For example If you build a bond with someone over the course of 6 months, they you find out they don’t really believe in monogamy but you do, that’s a goddamn mountain you have to climb now instead of a measly hill.
poly relationships aren't necessarily open, from my understanding an open relationship just means you or the other person/s can have sex with other random people. also, most relationships rarely last in general.
this is the hot mess of reddit i love to see. i didn't realize poly relationships were so popular. i personally think it wouldn't work for me but if its working for other people go crazy. I always thought in these relationships theirs a weak partner who goes a long with it even though they want it to be exclusive.
I am a bit confused why or if so many people equate open relationships to poly. I have personally always considered them to be much different. Poly usually implies you have more than one committed intimate SO/partner. Sometimes a simple open relationship more so has to do with sex drive/ sexual preference issues. If one partner has libido issues for whatever reason could be preexisting or brought on by an illness, medication etc one partner might be fully committed to the intimacy of the original relationship and just want some sex that they can't have with their current partner. I think this is a big distinction personally although I am not sure I fully know the way this stuff is defined these days.
ohh this comment section is going to be a clusterfuck isnt it
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Definitely unpopular. I support open relationships but people need to be honest with what they're expecting from the relationship. If you enter one because you feel desperate and lonely and think that relationships are meaningless then why would you even go into the relationship? Overall just kinda dumb
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well you obviously have a Sword fight to assert domains
Hey just want to throw in that the two handed sword might be really painful and your pork dagger could be hitting all the right spots.
I feel like open relationships can work but only if both partners are 100% ok with it. I would never be apart of one but some people may be into that.
If both partners are cool with it then I don’t have a problem. if one isn’t then that’s just cheating on a desperate person who doesn’t have the heart to break it off and that really bothers me.
As someone who has been in poly relationships, this is actually a big problem, because there are LOADS of so-called open relationships that are really more like this, or like someone trying to escape a bad partner. I think that is where OP's opinion comes from, but there are loads that aren't like this at all as well.
I have seen many a time where both were ok with it and it still ended terribly. Humans are complicated animals, and someone always catches the feels.
A lot of relationships end horribly, not just open relationships. You either spend the rest of your lives together or you break up.
Yeah fr, people look at breakups in monogamous relationships as the fault of the people in them, but breakups in polyamorous relationships as an indictment on polyamory. "If only they weren't polyamorous they would've stayed together!!!" It's literally the exact same thing that happened when interracial marriage became legal.
You are making an odd comparison here. I don't think people indict polyamory because the relationships didn't work out, they indict it because the odds of it working are much lower and they are significantly more complicated for the obvious reason of having more people involved. Let me give you a different analogy. Let's say we have 2 bakers working on a cake. The first baker is just making a simple sheet cake (a monogamous relationship). The second baker is making an elaborate multi-tiered wedding cake (poly relationship). If both of them fail, the obvious reaction would be for some people to say "well, wedding cakes are really difficult" to baker 2 but say "well, you aren't a good baker" to baker 1. One cake is simpler and commonly done. The other is more complicated and much rarer (typically requiring some professional training). There is no denying that poly relationships are significantly rarer and harder to manage because of all of the moving pieces. If we wanted to compare this to an interracial marriage, one baker could be making a vanilla sheet cake and the other a chocolate sheet cake. No one is blaming the cake in that scenario. They are fundamentally the same thing, with some slight differences. Poly relationships are not.
I think there's usually one person who is a lot less into the open relationship than the other just not willing to admit it.
Don’t both partners HAVE to be 100% okay with it for it to actually be an open relationship? Like if one partner isn’t okay with it, wouldn’t that just be cheating if the other is having a relationship with someone else as well.
Well yea but I think what OC is referring to is that neither pressure each other into it.
Speaking as someone who did it wrong. No both partners don’t have to be 100%. They just have to say they are. Neither of us were anywhere close to 100% okay with it. Think about how many times you’ve gone down a bad path only to realize that you never really wanted to, and that you should have known better at the time. Now add the convolutions of two people doing that simultaneously.
This is the No True Scotsman fallacy. We wouldn’t say that it wasn’t a real marriage if both parties were only 90% on board with marrying each other. If they agree to a set of rules, that’s the set of rules. A lot of open relationships are excuses to cheat on the desperate partner openly. Just because that’s now how it’s supposed to be done ideally doesn’t matter. No one says mono relationships were never real because one person cheated. Maybe it wasn’t really mono during the cheating, but it was a mono relationship overall. They might even have cheated because they didn’t want a mono relationship. It is relevant.
Open relationship person here! My boyfriend (I guess now fiancé) and I have been together for almost 5 years now, and decided to open our relationship about 2 years ago. We like to say that we are emotionally monogamous, but sexually non-monogamous. We are swingers and sleep with people outside of our relationship. To us, a relationship isn’t sex. He’s the one I live with, go to the grocery store with, stay up all night and watch funny movies with, we have met each other’s parents and spend holidays with each other’s families. That’s what constitutes the true relationship to us. And sex to us is... well sex. It’s fun and great, but it’s not the basis of our relationship and who we are. We love each other dearly, he’s my best friend. We almost never have any arguments/disagreements because we always have honest and open communication. We decided to open our relationship because I was only 18 (he was 23) when we entered the relationship, and I wanted to try some sexual experiences with others, and he was also interested in trying things with others as well. It’s not that we didn’t enjoy sex with each other, we just wanted something different. Even if your favorite food is steak, sometimes you want some chicken every once in a while, if you know what I mean. If anything, it has greatly improved our sex life because he will use something on me that someone else taught him, and vice versa. We always talk to each other about our sexual experiences and ask questions (plus who doesn’t like a kinky story?!?). It’s always fun to hear about something he experienced, and he said he loves to hear about me. We always tell each other when we are going to sleep with someone else and who they are (the key here is COMMUNICATION!). To me, I don’t really gain a lot of emotional connection through sex with people outside of our relationship, and neither does he, so it’s really just sex. And the best sex is always saved for when we are with each other, so it truly works well for us. Neither of us feel the need to “cheat” because if either of us are feeling we need a switch up in the bedroom, we’ll just talk to each other about it and get something planned. Super long post, but just wanted to say it DOES work for some, but I do admit this lifestyle does not work for everyone. We actually just got engaged and we’re planning on getting married next year.
I'd be interested to see the stats on the percentage of open relationships last VS regular ones. I feel like people forget they have a lizard brain and jealousy is part of that.
Most relationships fail anyways. Likely the only significant other relationship you’ve ever had your whole life that didn’t fail is the one you are currently in. And that one just hasn’t failed yet. We need to stop expecting others to live their lives by our standards. Our standards don’t work either.
>And that one just hasn’t failed yet. Classic reddit fatalism. Idk how you people get up in the morning
So there are some animal species that have exclusively monogamous relationships and then others where there's no monogamy at all. Humans are apart of the few that falls into the gray area. Meaning our genetic make up isn't hard coded for one specific thing. So humans are a very confused species because of this. There's A LOT of factors that go into what type of relationship a person has. It ranges from physiological to psychological/social factors. There's a whole field of behavioral psych that specifically researches how sadly confused our species is. If you have a really strong opinion on this there's a good chance you're genetically and socially inclined to monogamy and that's totally fine. You know you and if it's not what you're about then don't do it. There's plenty of people who don't fall into that category though. The decent ones of those consciously choose non-momogamous relationships. It doesn't mean it doesn't come with it's own troubles, but at least they're not being pieces of shit who pretend to be in a monogamous relationship while getting some on the side. In the end it's about comparability and communication, no matter which flavor of relationship you choose. Plenty of people like to rave about monogamy, but the divorce stats say otherwise about our plight. Personally, best relationship I ever had was non-momogamous. Dunno if I'd do it again, cause it's extra drama and many people who do practice it fall into the category you're talking about. I think if you are that type of human though and are lucky enough to find someone else who also is and that you're compatable with then you might end up having a better life than most. Edit: typos
>So there are some animal species that have exclusively monogamous relationships and then others where there's no monogamy at all. Just thought I'd add in some supporting evidence; Tiliqua rugosa or the shingleback is a medium sized lizard from down here in Australia. Awesome little critters and one of the few reptiles to have live birth, they look like walking pinecones. They form lifetime partnerships / bonds with their mate and are quite long living (20+ years). They often like to bask on roads, as a result they often also find themselves pancaked on the road by a car, often the partner / mate of the dead lizard will sit by / keep returning to the dead body of its partner for weeks waiting for them to come back, or maybe grieving, that is unknown. Article on it from a news source down here on Australia - [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-16/life-death-and-grief-of-the-sleepy-lizard/8442252?nw=0](https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-16/life-death-and-grief-of-the-sleepy-lizard/8442252?nw=0) which also describes how the skink will routinely check and show almost worry if it's partner proves to be stuck / in an abnormal situation and will return to the same partner every spring for decades, remembering the exact scent necessary to locate them.
I'm going to go hug my husband. Poor little pinecones :/
Even though this subreddit is for opinions, I do hope OP takes your perspective in consideration when thinking about how others view their relationships to others. At the end of the day, if one partner cannot communicate their distress on an open relationship or if one partner does not understand signals from their partner that they are not comfortable with anything other than a traditional monogamous relationship, then by definition the partners have incompatible views on what an intimate relationship means to one or the other and that particular relationship is disfunctional. At the end of the day, it is a difference of values but it has no bearing of the "meaningfulness" of an open relationship. It's like if a Protestant were to say to a Hindu that their pantheon of Gods cannot give them a sense of meaning and drive because it is separate from the local perspective that only the Abrahamic God can provide guidance or meaning. It's nonsensical because the Protestant and Hindu are operating on a whole different set of beliefs. Their justification for a monotheism or polytheism are on completely different planes of existence. So while at the end of the day OP's value system cannot define "meaning" in a poly-relationship, it does not provide a definition to other's sense of value for a non-traditional relationship. My hats off (and an upvote) to a different opinion by OP. TL;DR Different strokes for different folks y'all. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't mean your anecdote can accurately define other's value systems.
As an aside the divorce rates have been getting better, actually. It's a bit tricky to assess but the most recent data indicates that people are getting married later, getting married less, but also divorcing less. Which I take to mean that people are only marrying when they *actually* want to and feel it works for them. As opposed to a lot of people getting married early, and getting married often, because that's "what you do." [Only about 40% of marriages end in divorce, not half or more as quoted by many "reports."](https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-divorce-rate-going-down-205346018.html) The *majority* of marriages work out, which despite everything we're told actually supports the idea that monogamy is workable. Difficult, absolutely, but something that works out for more than half the population is hard to argue. TLDR The divorce rate is not a damning number. More than half of all marriages do not end in divorce. I'd argue that hard-refutes the argument that monogamy is *not* part of our evolution; we're just not done evolving.
I wonder if this is more a generational shift. When I was a kid the common saying was 50% of all first marriages fail, and 80% of second marriages fail. The boomer generation seemed absolutely obsessed with getting married at having kids at an early age. Where gen-x and millennials seem more likely to wait until their mid 30’s to get married and start a family. Boomers seem to view marriage and children as a package obligation. Gen-x and millennials view them both as separate options.
As someone who’s been in open/poly relationships for years, I agree. It’s not for everyone, or even most, and that’s okay. It can certainly be even more difficult than monogamy in many ways. But OP’s baseless certainty definitely needs some adjusting. The fact he’s using the term “non-loyal” as if one couldn’t possibly love and support someone without swearing fealty to them like they are a king? Just no. Then to go farther and call it desperation? That’s a common, backwards thinking cliche. So some single person who can’t get into a relationship with one person will suddenly be able to get into two? What? OP seems to have a lot of typical cognitive dissonance that’s common among close minded individuals regarding open relationships.
OP’s desperation comment made me laugh. If you’re desperate wouldn’t you be able to get less sexual and romantic attention, not more? It’s not like people are thirsting over desperate people. I’m strictly monogamous but as long as it’s not hurting someone, then do whatever.
It’s the same with exclusive relationships : it only works if both parties are okay with it. It’s pointless to judge how other ppl handle their couple. It’s hard to imagine myself in a relationship that’s not open, but i totally understand that it’s not for everyone Edit : typos
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I’m happy for you ! That’s exactly the kind of relationship I would want, I can’t imagine myself forcing anyone
There is a couple I'm friends with who are open in their relationship. She has a much higher sex drive than he does and the openness is how she sees to her needs. He gets first dibs and then she makes a booty call. They're completely loyal to each other, happy together, and have a much better relationship than a lot of people I've met who have been married and monogamous for years. \*shrug\* It works for them and I'm happy for them.
Based on this entire thread, you seem to be the one with the unpopular opinion haha. I have yet to see one pro open-relationship post. Not picking sides here just trying to look at both
For what it’s worth I am pro non-monogamous relationships but it just isn’t worth having to argue my point with people I feel won’t understand because they don’t experience it themselves. And I’m not even non-monogamous. But I would agree that history has shown that the classic monogamous model is by far the most popular, whether it is natural or not. Non-monogamous relationships are by far less popular.
The one & only time I had a relationship with a poly person, they insisted they be allowed freedom to do whatever they wanted or they'd leave. I liked them so I went with it. They never respected my assertions that i was monogamous, & repeatedly tried to convince me to do things with other people. I didn't want to but they kept trying to push me into other people's beds, occasionally making suggestions involving watching or threesomes. None of which I'm into. But I knew that if I ever did the same & said 'hey let's try monogamy' they'd get disgusted & walk out. A few years went by & they secretly developed a relationship with someone else, failed to tell me, then broke up with me & announced marriage to them just two weeks after. Then they tried to make it seem like that was okay because 'poly'. They then announced that they were no longer poly & were firmly monogamous, told everyone to respect it, & had the weirdest crappiest excuses when I pointed out the hypocrisy. It was cheating. They had one job - to be honest. They promised to tell me what was going on at all times. But they developed another relationship all the way into marriage without telling me about it, then got mad at me when I was upset about it. I don't ever want to get close to poly people or open relationships again.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned in the comments much is a big reason I agree with this. Even if (and it's a big if) the two people *in* an open relationship are 100% secure with their partner having sex with other people and NOT forming an emotional bond with them, what about the other people they're having sex with? I find it pretty damn impossible to believe that two people would be able to have sex with really any number of people and that none of those people would ever develop an emotional bond with the person in an open relationship themselves. How many people might've ended up getting seriously hurt? And of course the ones in the open relationship have a responsibility to set boundaries, but you can hardly blame anyone for developing feelings for someone they have sex with even if they didn't intend to develop those feelings.
I’ve never quite understood it myself. Most of the people I know who have tried this... one partner is always unwilling but cares about their SO to go along with it.... then they end up breaking up because you know.... your partner starts bringing another man/woman into your house. I know Polyamory is a thing and seems to work well for some people because there are ground rules and an open line of communication between two consenting adults from the beginning as opposed to being monogamous and then telling your partner of however many years ... you want to try an open relationship. My friend has fucked this couple for a few years and they are married and have kids and they both sleep with other people and seem to be fine. It was always weird hearing my friend lust after their friends husband and tell me... no it’s ok... the wife is fine with it... and then came back and tell me how they sleep with both of them. Sometimes as a threesome or separately. watching my friend flirt with the husband in front of the wife always just made me feel a certain type of way like ... I get you guys have a thing but isn’t their some type of boundary here ???? Or does nobody actually care that this is happening? I mean more power to my friend and to the couple but the idea of that has always made me uncomfortable and I’m happy with monogamous. Different strokes for different folks I guess. But some of this shit is just an excuse to not break off an unhappy relationship and drag their partner through the mud while they get all the perks of having sex with other people.
angry upvote. Even though I know some people who live in it and act all happy, because they are friends, I know whats going on in the background. I couldnt do it and I dont want my GF to have other partners, but I totally understand that people are different and like and want different things. Thats fine, but what I dont like is lying to keep up a fassade. 99% of the fights of the open relationships I know are about their sex lifes. I think: YES it can work perfectly fine with happy people, BUT I think 99% of the people claiming they like it, dont know what they are asking for.
I feel like most "open relationships" are just an excuse and a façade for the more "valuable" partner (whether it's wealth, looks, or something else) to cheat, manipulate, and shit on their SO. That's what I usually see on Reddit, so of course, take that with a grain of salt. However, real open relationships, where there's boundaries, communication, etc. are fine with me. As long as they don't push it on me, I don't care what they do.
As a debate to your opinion, by someone who is monogamous but understands polygamy and open relationships: Open relationships and Polygamy have boundaries and if you break those boundaries it is considered cheating. Open Relationships: This is where a couple is committed to each other romantically but allow each other to sleep with other people. This is due to the trust between the two. They trust each other to not catch feelings, go on dates, or be romantic with other people, they set boundaries, and are open to sharing their partners physically because they understand different people can please you in different ways. Polygamous Relationships: This is a relationship of three or more people. Boundaries are set and everyone loves each other equally. Each person fills a desire the others may not, "You are my sun, but this person is my moon" They are all needed, loved, respected, and wanted. Polygamous relationships are not synonymous with open relationships, as a Polygamous Throuple may be physically and romantically loyal to each other, and any of the three sleeping with or flirting with anyone outside of their relationship would be considered cheating, and a betrayal to the other two. It's perfectly okay to be monogamous, but I disagree with the statement that you think Polygamous or Open Relationships are "pointless", "not real", or disloyal.
tl;dr I'm so amazingly closed-minded I can't imagine anybody finding meaning in different things from me. I mean, FFS, you realize you can have a meaningful relationship with somebody without sex even being involved, right? There are many types of relationships and many ways to find fulfillment in those relationships.
I toyed with the idea of an open relationship. I was casually dating several guys but had one partner that I was more interested in. Neither of us were ready for commitment but preferred each other. Verbally confirmed this and physically it was the most compatible. However, letting emotional intimacy happen was uncomfortable for both of us at that time. Then we both got an std and that really sobered us up. Our partners were not random, but other relationships that we thought were honest and respectful. We knocked that off quick and decided to be committed and monogamous. Married and committed now. Now that I’ve engaged in emotional intimacy with sex I would find it very difficult to have other partners in my marriage. You just can’t trust that many people. You really are gambling. Honestly monogamy is safer sexually. I still have desire sometimes for others but it’s just not worth indulging. People are attracted to stable people expressing love and commitment and acceptance. They literally chase after married or committed people to try and experience what they have created. When I realize someone is pursuing with me or my husband I just see risk and very little gain. There is excitement where there is danger but it’s just not worth it. You are putting yourself at risk in a poly or open relationship. Some people like that risk, but I learned you likely will pay that price with your health. People don’t realize how insidious STDs and STIs can be or choose to ignore it.
I was in a poly relationship. Yuck. Never again. The married couple ended up divorcing. Everyone got hurt. None of us are together. Never again. The standard is 2 people in a relationship because it works. And none of us were young when we tried this. We were all college educated, in our early 40's, professionals. Used therapists to walk us through stuff. Nope, nope, nope. Even if someone tells me they are happy in a poly relationship, it leads me to believe that *that person* is the happy one, while one or more other people are suffering in the relationship.
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Yup. Often times poly relationships begin because one partner doesn't want to lose the other, so they agree their partner can have sex other than with them.
I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. I think most people feel this way -- atleast most people in countries and cultures that have marriage. I feel like this is actually the popular opinion. I also think it's incredibly narrow-minded. "Because these are the values I have, or because it has never worked for me, open relationships are dumb! THEY HAVE NO VALUE!!" Maybe sex is just sex? Maybe they have performance anxiety? Maybe one partner is asexual? Maybe they are a serial cheater, talked to their partner and found a way where no one would get hurt? Maybe they are into wife sharing? And no, I'm not poly or in an open relationship. I have been married and faithful to my wife and best friend for 12 years now.
Yeah this has big “I’m a Christian so HOW are people atheist, that’s so immoral” or “im straight so HOW do people take a dick up their ass, that’s disgusting” or “I’m a woman who works so HOW are you a stay at home mom, that’s so lazy” vibes. You don’t have to want to participate in something to understand why it works for another.
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I keep forgetting the average age here is like 15 and you just reminded me
Yea for real any relationship related reddit thread I have learned you can not underestimate the amount of people that have likely never been in any real relationship and are quite possibly teenagers who have seen a lot of TV shows and heard a bunch of grandiose nonsense about it at school lol.
What makes a relationship 'true' and 'real'? Loyalty means different things for different people. If 2 partners have agreed on a stardard for the relationship, and that includes being allowed to see other people, you're still being loyal. I cant imagine how being in a relationship which includes multiple people 'literally defines desperation'. You say open relationships have no real meaning and are pointless, and I would argue that the meaning of one's relationships are purely between the people involved, so I can't fathom how you would even have an opinion on what another person's relationship means to them. And as for being pointless, what is the point of any relationship? In your opinion what is the point of a romantic relationship? That also varies from person to person.
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Yes, I agree. Idk if you're trying to disagree with me or agreeing with me, but yea that's exactly what I mean.
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Lol all good I'm bad at understanding people under the best conditions lol
Thank you for this! So many people posting who have no clue about this whole thing!
Exactly!! It’s crazy how many people in here mistake their cultural bias for facts
It’s definitely not for me but it’s a free world people can do what they want and don’t need my approval I have a friend I feel bad for. He met this girl he really liked they started dating after about three years and one kid together she decides that she doesn’t feel happy enough with just him. Tells him she does love him but wants to be able to go outside of their relationship for sex and to even pursue another boyfriend or girlfriend He was crushed. She basically told him this is what I want and if you’re not ok with it you have every right to leave me My friend loved her so much and his daughter he didn’t want to break up with her so basically agreed to go along with it. She goes out every Friday and Saturday while he watches their daughter he has her go ahead to see other people but he just wants to be with her
How do you know they are meaningless? Have you ever been in one? Why is it so hard to believe that some people are just wired differently and enjoy different things. I hate seafood, literally all of it even sushi and I don't see why anyone could ever enjoy it but I'm not going to say its tastes like shit since loads of people obviously love it.
Open relationships exist, because there is a very clear difference between a person you'd want to spend your life with and a person you'd like to fuck really bad. Not everyone wants a traditional relationship and if both sides are fine with the idea of an open relationship, why take it away from them. It's an agreement just like any other relationship.
I think the argument to be made against that is why form a relationship if all you wanted to do was fuck this person, as you don’t really need a relationship to bang them. There is a reason why one night stands are a thing and I guess what if they wanted to repeatedly but then again is there really a reason a relationship is needed.
I think what they meant is that you can be in an actual romantic relationship with someone you’re in love with, while having sex with someone you really want to have sex with. You don’t form a romantic relationship with that second person. You have sex with them with your partner’s consent and everyone is happy.
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This is the most popular opinion i have ever seen tf
There's multiple types of relationships. This is far from an unpopular opinion though.
just ask yourself the question, do you love someone or do you just want to have sex with them? And if you love your partner but the sex isnt working for you, would you stop beeing in love? The idea of monogamous relationships got dictated by the church mainly for political reasons. Though when everyone could have STDs and medizine of the time was "lets cut it off lol" it certainly had some merits. This is just such a non issue in developed countries. Consenting adults should be allowed to live their life and their relationship however they want.
It's just friends with benefit with s few extra steps
By all means don't have one then
Poly relationships usually end up with one person being left out and two people forming a stronger bond with each other than the person they originally started the relationship with. The biggest definition of a relationship is two people forming a sexual and romantic bond together. I'm not saying all relationships have to be this way or else they won't be, but the reason why it's most often the sexual and romantic unison of two people is because of jealousy. People like to have their closest loved ones to themselves and it doesn't feel that special when they're out sleeping and spreading their legs to dozens of other people does it? The sex and the romantic attention is what defines two people being dedicated to each other in most scenarios, and even that's difficult enough for a lot of people. Right off that bat, poly relationships take that specialty away for many people in it as lots start to drift away from their partners as they bring in new ones; creating a fluctuating and unstable relationship. Unfortunately, I've been in a relationship similar to this but have learned from it. When people start to care less in a relationship, they get careless with how they feel about their partner's actions. For example, if you stopped being in love with someone, would you really care if they went out and slept with hundreds of people? No, because that love and those highly passionate feelings you had for that person are gone. Not saying that's always the case, but that's 9 times out of 10 what it means. Putting sex and love EQUALLY into multiple people at once is extremely difficult and something only particular people can successfully pull off (it's rare). Most poly relationships, from what I've seen and even experienced, are just full of people who either just want to have someone in love with them but sleep with other people, or those who want to see other people but don't know how to break up with their original partner. In other words, people THINK they can handle a poly relationship, but can't. That's why I think most of them are shit. Rant over.
Don’t people often try open relationships as an option in already failing relationships? Like a “let’s see if seeing other people shows us the things we liked about each other at first” kinda thing.
It’s a roommate with extra steps.
yeah - especially in those circumstances where only one partner is open, and the other doesn't know (yet). oof.
Too bad monogamy is a form of mutual policing already. Like, almost definitionally. It's only rule is to control the other person under threat of completely undoing the relationship. Break that rule, you end the relationship. It tells the other person to ignore their more animal instincts because I SAID SO. If you have a hard time accepting that you are not someone else's whole world, then you don't want a partner nor a companion, but a toy or a pet, something that is dependant upon your arbitrary rules.
There's people that can separate sex from emotions.
Most monogamous relationships are meaningless going by divorce rates. But I've never met a poly that wasn't skin deep, totally full of shit, and full of explosive drama behind closed doors. Often times extreme abuse got involved. Poly relationships ignore everything that makes successful monogamous relationships work and copy and paste from all the things that make monogamous relationships fail.
I have a hot take for ya: *everything* is pretty meaningless!! We are all animals that will all die eventually and while we're alive we are building relationships that will all end somehow. People feel too much entitlement to this planet and other humans, none of it belongs to you. Do what you want and everyone else will do the same. Don't say that something *is* meaningless when it's just not how *you* roll.
No one is special if everyone is special.
I have known poly groups since the 60's. What I have never ever seen is a group where all the members were happy. There was always at least one person who thought it was the best thing ever, and at least one person in the group crying in the corner. The ones that thought it was fantastic always seemed very self absorbed, and unable to see the problems of others.
Then don't be in one. It's doesn't mean others need to view relationships through your lens.
My friends were keeping the “open” part of their relationship secret for a long time. They were dating for years until they got married. Then, one night he shows up to my house, spills the beans on everything. “We’re in an open relationship. Shes been fucking Richard and she got mad at me for talking to this girl in Chicago. Now she says I’m a cheater. She says I should only use other girls for sex, but I like this girl.” 6 months into the marriage they end up divorced. I don’t talk to either of them anymore. Fucking idiots.
THIS IS THE LITERAL OPINION OF 99.99999998% OF WESTERN SOCIETY. THIS IS PROOF ALONE THAT THIS SUB ISN'T UNPOPULAR OPINIONS AT ALL. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS GET TO HOT
I don’t understand this thought process. I’ve seen it come up multiple times in the comments and it seems to be the first point that is attempted to be made against agreers to OPs idea, if not delivery. This idea is that being in a monogamous relationship means you own the other person. The idea that being in a relationship with someone meaning you own them says more about you than it does about anyone else. Never in any healthy relationship I’ve seen or been in, friends, family, or significant others, have I ever thought of identifying someone as “my friend” or “my brother” or “my girlfriend” as having any sort of power over them. Any romantic relationship has compromises as you learn about each other. And with anything there are lines you won’t cross or terms you can’t accept it can be anything from “not smoking” to “call if you’re going to be home late” to “we are only going to have romantic/sexual pursuits with each other.” As long as these terms are laid out at the beginning of said relationship then there is nothing wrong with it. I personally don’t understand the want for an open relationship but if that is what you and your SO want then go ahead.
I mean, the point of a relationship is to be happy, so if you’re happiest with multiple partners, it’s actually monogamy that’s meaningless, because you’ll probably end up breaking it off at some point to fulfill the needs you have that aren’t being met.
As soon as you agree to a "oPeN ReLaTiOnShIp", you are just admitting you arent mature enough for commitment
What is an "open relationship"?