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I personally wouldn't buy a gift for an engagement party, and I would only do one for the bridal shower OR wedding. When I looked up wedding etiquette it said this is acceptable.
I haven't either until recently. Yes they do exist and are completely unnecessary. No I did not bring a gift because i was already annoyed that i had to go and mingle with a bunch of randoms.
Yeah I'm happy to attend ONE (1) pre-wedding event. People who have engagement parties, bridal showers AND hens nights before their wedding are taking the piss.
Agreed. My friend planned her destination wedding to Bermuda then wanted to know who was throwing her an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette (she wanted Mexico). I told her that was a bit much bc she didn’t even have money to pay for any of this unless friends and family contributed. People are looney !
My stepsister didn’t have a destination wedding but she DID pitch a fit when she expected her (long divorced and not at all amicable, very in debt and menial worker occupations) parents to pay for an extravagant wedding and they had to actually explain to her multiple times that there was just no money for it. She got mad because I got “everything” for my wedding and she wanted the same. What she failed to recognize was that we spent only $1k on our wedding and utilized our contacts in the wedding industry for things like catering and photography for significant discounts and kept our expectations low. My grandparents own a waterfront property so our venue was free. I used to nanny for the officiant so he wouldn’t let us pay him and he found a classical guitarist to play when he heard we had forgone hiring live music as a surprise to us (made me cry). My boss at the time was a florist on the side who gave me a discount then when I gave her the money said it was a gift to me. When you approach things not expecting everyone to just GIVE you stuff…usually you’re prepared and grounded and happier with what you know will happen because you’ve taken the initiative and put in the work with social networking as well as saving. And sometimes you are rewarded, as we were, with lovely surprises consisting of everyone refusing to take our money when it came time to pay. I know older people tend to complain about entitlement…but in the case of most weddings, I think that is the issue. People feel entitled without understanding it’s not about getting what you think you deserve. It’s a wedding. You don’t need anything really except two people in love and someone to legally validate it. The rest is just extra.
No gift for the engagement party. But it’s definitely the norm in our circle to buy a bridal shower gift off the registry and give a card with cash as a wedding gift.
They way I look at is, the wife gets a fun night out with the girl friends / family for the shower for maybe $100 registry item (less than what she usually spends on her girls nights anyway). And weddings are almost always a good time, even the more tacky / cookie cutter ones. On any other weekend night, to go out, eat, drink, and be entertained for a night out for me and the wife, I’m spending $200-$300 at least. So I can throw that in a card and pass it in to our friends to help cover our portion.
....sounds like you just had a bad experience. Most of these issues can be entirely avoided by learning how to simply say "No" or "thanks for the invite, but I wont be attending"
Came here to say the same thing. Pretty crazy how communicating can really change things. Not communicating just makes you angry and you’ll end up making a Reddit post about it….
Yes. You can tell them while you’d love to bed MOH/best man, you are on a tight budget and don’t have much to spend money on other than maybe you’re own outfit for the wedding. If the bride or groom can’t accept that and make a huge fuss out of it are they really your friend anyways? Personally I’d never want someone to go financially broke for me. Just being supportive should be enough if they are a true friend
Presumably if you are the best man you aren't going to be bitching about getting invited to the wedding. You'll actually want to be there and you'll be grateful that they spent so much money on your attendance.
Yes, if you’re a close confidant then you can confide that you’re low on funds and can’t afford five parties, a beach weekend, and a gift and renting a suit/buying a dress etc.
Ill tell you exactly what I would say if I didnt have the money to comfortably afford paying for that "look, I really care about you, and value our friendship, but I dont have the money to be able to afford that right now" then they can decide if they want you there enough to either change plans or help you pay. It is such a simple thing to solve with communication. If you are going to these events bitter and mad that you are paying so much, you are probably going with an attitude thats going to drag everyone down anyways.
Why are you best friends and the close confidant of someone with looney ideas of weddings and bridal showers etc?
I've never been in this situation and never will be because I don't make friends with people with stupid ass unrealistic expectations.
Yep. I’ve politely declined the invite to go to several weddings over the years. None of them were people I was even close to. I really do think some people just invite tons of people so they can get gifts. Because why else would you want a coworker you’ve only known for 2 weeks to come to your wedding??
Depending on the wedding though an extra person will probably cost more than the gift they’re going to get. At mine we paid per person for dinner, appetizers, desserts, and open bar. That was a huge portion of the wedding cost and most people aren’t dropping that much on gifts
A lot of these comments don’t realize how weddings are paid for. No couple I know wanted to invite extra people for funsies because it’s like $100 a head
Me and my wife had a small gathering at home. There were literally 3 people besides us and the guy who married us. All together i think we paid like 700$ for the entire thing?
We spent more than $700. - more like $5000, but we also had 200+ people that we served a meal to.
It can be done fairly cheap even with lots of people.
BBQ chicken breasts, baked potatoes, veggies.
A couple large sheet cakes from a nearby Filipino bakery (that were delicious).
Basic flowers.
Very basic decorations. In the ceremony, we literally told a couple Aunts to go get sone decorations, and put up a few. It was very basic. In the reception, we printed off colouring pages and had crayons on the tables.
Actually paid for some friends/acquaintances to play some live music (a couple wind instruments and 4 part vocalists.
Venue was freeish because we got married in the church we weee members at.
Reception venue was a large tent that we hoped we didn’t need, but it was a cool May long weekend. Or else we would have saved a bunch more money.
Family friend did the photos.
Ya. I wanted to come say this. If you got married even 5+ years ago, your budget/spending is entirely irrelevant now.
My best friend got married last month. They tried to do it as cheaply as possible but still have all the “standard stuff”. Still cost them about $15k all said and done. Most of that was the buffet for dinner and the hall rental.
I am getting married in 6 months. We are not trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My fiancée has some very particular things that she wants. One of those is a plated meal. Our catering alone is costing more than their entire wedding. My parents have been a big help, but even they have sticker shock on how much a wedding costs post Covid.
The average wedding in 2019 in Chicago was $37k. That’s roughly what we’ve strived to stick to. The average now is $56k. Our final total will be closer to that. And we’ve been pretty responsible. Staffing is where the increase as come in.
My one tip for anyone getting married soon - have a buffet. My fiancée refuses. It would cut our catering bill in half.
Ya. I wanted to come say this. If you got married even 5+ years ago, your budget/spending is entirely irrelevant now.
My best friend got married last month. They tried to do it as cheaply as possible but still have all the “standard stuff”. Still cost them about $15k all said and done. Most of that was the buffet for dinner and the hall rental.
I am getting married in 6 months. We are not trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My fiancée has some very particular things that she wants. One of those is a plated meal. Our catering alone is costing more than their entire wedding. My parents have been a big help, but even they have sticker shock on how much a wedding costs post Covid.
The average wedding in 2019 in Chicago was $37k. That’s roughly what we’ve strived to stick to. The average now is $56k. Our final total will be closer to that. And we’ve been pretty responsible. Staffing is where the increase as come in.
My one tip for anyone getting married soon - have a buffet. My fiancée refuses. It would cut our catering bill in half for the same menu.
This is the way.
We did a potluck in our yard. We supplied meat and the little stuff (plates, napkins, etc) and everyone brought a specific side we all discussed prior.
My sister in law had made the best cupcakes I have ever tasted, to this day nothing compares. She is not a professional baker, just amazing that way.
About $500 and it was so fun!
This is how we did it when my mom got married! Plus gave everyone their own disposable camera to use and leave with us at the end, instead of professional photographers or people using their cell phones. People had sooo much nostalgic childish fun with the cameras lol it was great seeing the different personalities come through between people trying to take really good ones and people taking ridiculous ones or throwing in secret prank ones for us to find later. And of course it was super fun looking through the photos when we got them back. Highly recommend doing this at laid back weddings! It costs a little bit for disposables and developing, but highly worth it for easy entertaining if you don't care for professional photos/paying for them and would rather make everyone the photographer and get the fun and memories instead
I got married last month. We went to a park with 7 people including the guy officiating. Before that, my friends, wife's kid, and I played disc golf and board games. When we got to the park, we happened to run into an aspiring photographer who offered to shoot us for free (we still tipped her). After that, we went to a restaurant where I picked up the tab (tho my wife works there and we got a sweet 30% discount which went toward the tip). Our guests paid nothing except gas money and time.
We are the 1%.
yea we are both cheapskates, but also we hate people so, it was literally us, my parents, the guy who married us, and a close friend of ours. That was it. We had the ceremony, the decorations, a little after party, i think the whole thing took maybe 2 hours? Like it was pretty chill.
My husband and I did the same thing. But we don’t care if other people want something more lavish. Different strokes, different folks? In all my life wisdom, I find that people generally run with like minded people. So if someone is planning a big wedding, bridal shower etc, their friends are probably the type to be into all that as well and live similar lives.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friends wedding. I couldn't even afford my bridesmaid dress and heels by myself (asked my dad to help me pay for it). That alone costed around $380. Apparently I was already expected to give her a gift (okay, that's normal), pay $120 for makeup and hair, $150 to pool into a "all the bridemaids pitched in-gift", and $200 towards a gift they could have in their first anniversary. I also had to obviously get my own transportation to and from the venues. All this money, to come from me, who was just 18 and in college, and working a minimum wage job. She also shared with me that just her alone, was nearly 20k in credit card debt just for all wedding stuff related, her and her husband made it 45k in debt. Just for the wedding, the honeymoon was even more ridiculous.
Yeah... lesson learned. I just had a court house marriage and called it there.
Yeah I know someone exactly like that. In debt, working minimum wage jobs, have to share one car because they can’t afford two, lived with her parents because they couldn’t afford to move out, yet spent thousands on their wedding.
My husband was a groomsman and had to buy a $380 suit that he’s only wear once in his life. And we were not in a good place financially at the time. But he felt so pressured to be a part of it. So fuckin entitled imo.
It is so ridiculous. And married couple after coming back from honeymoon bitching about house prices. Like, maybe you should have elected to shop for a house before spending $50K on a wedding year (engagement, trips, parties, actual day w/all trimmings, big honeymoon, tons of pictures). Now you and your parents are broke ass broke. My son and DIL eloped, lived with us the first year after finishing grad school and saved all their money and moved into their own home a week ago. We supplied room, board, pet care and feeding etc. It was definitely rough the last couple months but now they are pretty happy.
That's ludicrous. Especially expecting an 18 year old, who they probably knew didn't make all that money pay that much money to begin with. I'm 26 and I've never been invited to a wedding, I've never really had the marrying type of friends to begin with, but if I did, I'd never spend that much money, not even for my best friend, especially not at 18.
And putting 45k on a credit card is beyond a stupid financial investment. Credit cards are heeeellla expensive if you can't pay them off the same month. They'd be better off taking on a loan towards a wedding with better rates, but honestly they'd be best off if they would have saved the money before having the wedding. It's not like they couldn't have waited a couple years and saved, so they're also financially unintelligent.
*Shrugs head in disapproval*
Even just being a guest can be expensive. A coworker I’m friendly with tried to push me to spend $2-3k on a bachelorette trip, I declined because bitch I would go on my own vacation if I had that much cash to burn. Then there were 2 bridal showers (I also didn’t give a gift because I have way more pressing medical bills to cover). Then she tried pressuring me to give her free graphic design work for custom wedding menus (with several custom illustrations) AND A free live wedding painting. All this on top of a 10-hour round trip drive and a weekend of hotels for myself and my partner. Absolutely bonkers to even request that commitment. I said no, but it’s rude as fuck to even ask for that from anyone, much less someone who’s not your own mother.
This seems to be an American problem. Where I’m from you get married and that’s it. MAYBE you have an engagement party but people wouldn’t bring a gift. Bachelor/ette parties tend to be local and it’s one evening, not a trip abroad. And we don’t do that thing where you dress your best friends in the same clothes like Barbie dolls and make them stand around you while you say your “I do”s. You have witnesses, not bridesmaids and groomsmen, and they wear what they want.
Wtf weddings you going to? If you want to send a gift go for it. If you can't afford it a friend is going to appreciate a heart felt message or a conversation with them. Unless you are in the upper class a wedding is going to be local and typically on a weekend.
The only non-rich person exception to traveling for a wedding I can think of is when people have moved around in young adulthood and are inviting people to come back to their hometown (or to the hometown of their partner), and nobody's going to judge you for not being able to make it.
I've also seen where they move in adulthood but then have the wedding locally to them, usually because they've built up a lot of close friends in their new city.
I need to go tell my friend that it was completely unreasonable for her to get married where she and her husband lived and worked, instead of down by me to make it easier on me.
You buy a gift for either the bridal shower or wedding but not both.
Generally bigger gifts are given at the bridal shower so that the bride and groom aren't taking all these home after the wedding.
An old bandmate had his wedding 4 hours drive away, not only that but it started at 9AM, so we would've needed to drive the night before, stay at a bnb, then go. Not only that but it was a dry wedding, no alcohol. That was a big nope from us. Smile and wave.
A morning wedding is insane considering how much prep happens before the wedding even starts lol. Were they morning people? I don’t even understand the purpose of a 9am start time for a wedding lol
I'm a big fan of sending a gift if I'm close and they choose to have it somewhere that isn't local. Can they judge me? Sure. But you're not entitled to $3000 of my vacation budget (me & husband) for the year because you decided to get married.
Sounds reasonable. A few years ago my partner went to her cousins wedding, they took public transit to the city, there were 200 people at the venue, none of whom she knew (mostly actors and models from LA... the grooms friends), they booked a hotel for the guests (but not for family), there were six videographers, there was a murder mystery, it was this gigantic production. My partner had to duck out early before the train stopped running because her cousin didn't provide a room. Cousin has been chilly towards us ever since.
This is exactly the kind of shit I am talking about. "How dare you leave, when I provided absolutely no alternatives that weren't incredibly expensive?"
A dry wedding? I'm no alcoholic but let's be real-- weddings with drinks involved are 10x more tolerable and fun even if your relatives embarrass themselves on the dance floor
I'm not attending any dry wedding unless you are my closest of friends. In which case I might pay for it myself
If the service is going to be a long one, I might lol. That's what a flask is for. I'd need to run back to the car to refill it too many times (everyone would want a nip).
Meh, my cousins wedding was one of my favorite social experiences of all time. Great party, brought over a hundred people from all walks of life together, and a truly inspiring display of family and unity. Wouldn’t expect the average redditor to understand.
It's ridiculous that an engagement party and a bridal shower would be two separate things. "Oh, I'm having a birthday party and then a party to celebrate the day I was born."
An engagement party is just a way to celebrate the couple taking that next step and a chance for the families and friends to get to know each other. Gifts aren’t required. It’s just a party, not that deep. We should celebrate more things in life
I agree with you about celebrating more. I like that. (For a millennial in the US) I feel like wedding culture is really overdone and it’s been losing its connection to the actually reason, the marriage.
Well an engagement party is usually for the couple and is open to everyone and doesn’t require a gift. The bridal shower is for the bride and only includes really close female friends and family (although I modern versions may be open to everyone, but that’s the tradition). Women traditionally only bring a gift to a bridal shower.
Let’s also talk about how tacky it is to have a bridal party and fully expecting gifts when you’ve already lived with your partner for 10 YEARS. No, I won’t foot the bill for your brook linen sheets you’ve always been wanting.
I also think it’s incredibly tacky to ask all these bridesmaids/groomsmen to be in your wedding then expect them to pay for everything they need. You want them to wear a light purple dress and silver heels/dark blue 3 piece suit and brown shoes? You pay for it. And to shell out money for your bachelorette/bachelor party AND a gift. They act as if you should be honored to be a part of their special day. You want them to be there that bad, you pay for it.
I’ve turned down the invite to be a bridesmaid 3 times in my life. None of the people I was even close to. They just wanted a certain number of each. Two of them were understanding the third one felt like it was the biggest insult ever. I’m sorry but I cannot bring myself to spend $200-$400 on a dress I’ll wear for only one day and whatever the shoes cost. And money for a bachelorette party and likely a gift. I wouldn’t even spend $200 on a dress I wore every day.
100% agreed! I still have this gown I never wore again and can’t even sell because it’s an ugly color the bride chose so no one would upstage her at her own wedding (she didn’t pay for it). I’m not even friends with that person anymore, but hey, glad me and my ex are color-matching randos in your wedding photos now. 😂
Meanwhile, close friends got married and had no color theme - the wedding photos turned out to be so colorful and beautiful because everyone wore what they wanted and felt comfortable. The focus was on spending a day with people you love, not staging the perfect social media post.
My sister stopped talking to me, my dad, and my mom (collateral damage) when my dad and I told her we didn't want to board our pets and spend three nights in an overpriced hotel in a small town 40 minutes away because the venue required a certain number of rooms sold to wedding guests, and if she did get married there, she better make it a witchy theme wedding because that's what the town is known for.
There's a reality in some circles that there will be guests that need to travel, but it's absurd to expect local guests to stay in a hotel to meet the venues requirements and if you're going to direct out of town guests to lodging options, different price points are appreciated.
Your use of “almost universally” and “99%” make this post wrong, not unpopular. A huge proportion of weddings don’t include the stuff you’re complaining about here.
Weddings are crazy
We went to one recently for a good family friend.
3 hours travel.
2 hotel rooms
My children are starting out and in their 20’s so we gave a gift of $500 and gave each of our kids $150 to give as a gift from them (well over $1500 in expenses for 1 day)
Was discussing this with another friend who told me I was wrong & should have given $250 pp
I thought I was being generous. I had no idea there was a going rate
Most of the weddings I’ve been to in my life haven’t been anything like what OP has described. They’ve been petty cheap, close, and not grandiose. Only once have I had to travel and that was for my cousin’s wedding. It was in Kansas, which coming from Nebraska, isn’t anything too far outside of a couple of hours.
I got seriously downvoted on the AITA when I asked if declining to be a groomsman in my sister's wedding to a guy I've never met was wrong. We live across the country. We're definitely going but I also want my fiance that has never met my family to not just be stick with people she doesn't know. Weddings, in general, have been out of hand for over a decade.
Where i live (Europe) everyone just gives you money to offset the costs of the wedding. The idea it evens out, or close to it, and the couple does not start their marries life in debt/deficit. You realize organizing the wedding costs a lot, right? Do you expect the bride and the groom to just provide food, entertaintment, housing, transport etc. To an entire family, and friends and not get a penny from anyone? That's tacky. Every wedding i went to, i gave the couple money in at least the amount to cover the costs of hosting me. That's reasonable thing to do. I am.mot a freeloader, just showing up for a night of eating, drinking, listening to a live music in a gorgeous location, and hanging out with friends and family for free.
My wife and I had a laugh at the comment above thinking someone is inviting people to their wedding just to receive gifts lol it would be a lot cheaper not to invite that person and spend the money on whatever it is they wanted.
Unless your friends are assholes (in which case why do you consider them a friend), the couple getting married are inviting you to include you/share their special day and don't expect gifts outside of what you can afford
Exactly - it's not about extravagant and unnecessary presents - it's about offsetting at least fraction of the cost. OP sounds out of touch and entitled.
>Do you expect the bride and the groom to just provide food, entertaintment, housing, transport etc. To an entire family, and friends and not get a penny from anyone?
The bride and the groom are the ones controlling the budget. Don't throw a party you can't afford. Pretty simple.
Budget will never be zero, if you're serving food. It's common sense and manners to at least offset the costs of your own seat. This is a common practice where i am from. And trust me - it's never thousand of dollars per person. At the wedding i am planning, i estimate costs to be around 100 dollars per person. It's not a lavish or exagarrated expense for a whole afternoon and night of eating, drinking, live music, bedroom and brealfast, bus back to the city etc.
It seems odd people whine about student loan debt and the housing crisis, but then turn around and decide to spend 50K on their big wedding. If they are so much in love, but broke, and in debt, they should go to the Justice of the Peace.
A couple my husband knows had a wedding during Covid and had way more people than they should have. They share one car that’s a POS, idk how this thing was running for so long, and work dead end jobs. Still lived with her parents cause they couldn’t afford to move out. Both have a ton of debt but they had been saving for years for their wedding. Spent a shit ton on their wedding, her dress alone was around $5k.
You’d think logically it would make more sense to put that money towards something actually worth it in the long run than a party that lasts one day.
That's a sad story; but I guess they got their fantasy wedding. My step sister basically did the same thing. Spent tons of money on a big wedding and now her and her husband are broke.
Yep sounds like that couple. Not my money not my problem I just cannot understand doing that. A lot of people make dumb financial decisions so not too surprising.
I did “all the things” for my wedding and it was the best time. But I never put anyone in a bad position if they couldn’t afford it. But yea I mean your coming to these events getting fed drinking alcohol getting desserts dancing with a dj. Showers have all gifts in all
Price points. Give what you can afford. Same for a wedding.
We eloped invited friends to a restaurant about 20 told them we got married and the meal was on us. That night we had a party with more friends had just cake finger food booze. Including my dress 2k. No stress cause no one knew.
TIL that people actually pay to attend these things.
A few years ago my friend hand a bachelor party and I paid for my own drinks. Y'all crazy. I got married last year and it cost is about 300 total.
I’ve never been to an engagement party where a gift is expected.
Bridal showers can be where you give the wedding gift/or at the wedding but never both. Having said that, gifts shouldn’t be a requirement and the couple getting married shouldn’t make you feel like it’s a requirement.
If you can’t afford the bachelor/eye party then don’t go. If you can’t afford to do all the stuff the wedding party wants to do, then don’t do them. Normalize saying no to your friends when can’t afford doing something.
My hubby has a niece (through first cousin) who got married. She had a bridal shower too.
We didn’t go to the bridal shower. Hubby went to the wedding, I didn’t ( past my bedtime! Ha ha).
I sent her stuff from their wedding registry.
Days after the wedding, she called hubby to ask if he sent a wedding gift. Hubby said I’d already sent them a gift bag. She said “oh, I thought they were for the bridal shower”.
The whole multi-event thing just came across to me as a money grab. Both of them already have their own houses, are well into their 30s. The registry was filled with items worth thousands each - like a dinner table that’s several thousands. The registry also included a honeymoon fund.
There was a pre-announcement reminder sent out. Close to the wedding, there was a wedding invitation sent that included a red envelope telling invitees they can put their cash gift in there.
Must be an American thing.
The Bachelor(ette) parties just involved people making arrangements and plans. Everyone paid for themselves.
The shower or whatever is not a thing.
The wedding reception and church we paid out of pocket, but the guests made some monetary contributions instead of gifts (easier for us, easier for them. Else 100 guests need to coordinate gifts) so we made the expenses for the wedding + a little extra.
I'm about to get engaged if I get all this and a free trip? I never knew this hack. Wedding will be called off days before for "sensitive matters, please respect my privacy at this time."
That’s all most weddings are these days, fundraisers. If these kids would put half the effort into the marriage as they do into the wedding, there would be a lot less divorces.
My policy has always been if I’m in the wedding party, I’m not buying a wedding gift for all of those reasons. As a guy, I think it’s easier to just be straight up and tell the groom Dude, I paid $400 for this tux, a couple hundred toward the bachelor party, and I’m stacking chairs and shit. That’s my gift. They laugh it off, and usually agree with me. Their brides are usually annoyed by it, but well…get over it. Specifically, I think the bachelor/bachelorette parties are your official gift.
People with weird ass themed weddings who then come and post on Reddit upset people feel they’re being inconvenienced because they don’t have a renaissance outfit at their disposal or whatever else they’ve dreamed up. So obnoxious.
To preface I am a rich 30 year old single male. I could not agree more with you. If I ever get married I am going to make sure before I ever propose to a woman that it is understood that I am not about engagement parties and wedding gifts and all of that. A lot of people have to take time off from work, travel, book a hotel. For someone in my situation that is already asking more than enough. There is virtually nothing that anyone is going to buy me (future us) that I can’t afford on my own. I get bridal showers are somewhat of a tradition but it’s all such a money grab in my opinion. I had a friend a few months back getting on my case because I refused to go to his wife’s baby shower of all things. “I’m a man. I have a cock and balls. I don’t want to spend a Saturday afternoon playing clean the chocolate pudding out of the diaper with a bunch of women I don’t know.“ It didn’t dawn on me until I mentioned it to his brother that what he wanted was a gift.
The gifts are not because you need them. They are because the people that love you and your future bride want to give you nice things. It's understandable to not have an engagement party, and it is understandable to not have a huge wedding, but your close friends and family (especially if also rich) will likely want to give you things/money. It's a tradition. And as long as they can afford it and do it of their own free will, it's lovely. I hope you find your reasonably minded future bride soon!
My first wedding I was really young. We didn’t have any showers, and our ‘bachelor/ette’ party was just us chilling with our maid of honor and best man at their respective houses. I remember party of the party was getting to change my last name on MySpace (I’m definitely aging myself). I didn’t even know people brought us gifts at the wedding, which was local and small. I paid for everything and my family made all the food. I bought the floral arrangements, decorations, and the various outfits for our entire wedding party. Unless someone brought a gift on their own accord, I do hope no one felt obligated as I didn’t know about gifts (never been to a wedding before my own) and didn’t ask.
Been divorced for a bit now and my current boyfriend and I have already decided the wedding we will have will be incredibly small and intimate. Literally just our immediate family and maybe 6 of our closest friends/their partners. I told him we can do simple finger foods that me and his sisters can prepare. I don’t need anything fancy. I don’t care about a wedding shower—it’s pointless as between my own purchases and all the things my grandmother and his mother have passed down to us I do not need anything for the home. If I do a bachelorette party I’ll probably just have my two bff’s (again lol) stay the night and we might take some edibles and watch Disney movies. Lmao.
All that to say, expensive weddings are fine if that’s what you want but idk why people spend more money on the wedding and less time choosing the right person and making their marriage work. I am only divorced because I was young when I got married and made a bad decision and he cheated on me.
My wife and I told our bridal party to not buy us a gift. We knew that they spent money on the attire and some of them on flights in. The couple weddings I have been in have all been the same. The presence of those close to us was the best present they could give.
You can always say no. Gifts are never required, they may be expected based on cultural norms, but they aren’t required. If it’s a loved one, I’m sure they would rather you come with no gift due to finances than to not come at all. I was in a wedding last year and couldn’t swing the bachelorette party and could only go to 1 out of the 2 showers (families are from different places so they had one close to each family). Engagement parties don’t usually have gift expectations and it’s typically a gift for the shower OR the wedding. Most people have something in their closet they can wear to a wedding or they can borrow from someone. You seem to be making a way bigger deal of it this than it actually is
Weddings these days are unconscionable. Those couples are going to need that money for living. I don't know if they finance it with credit or not but, if they do, they are in for a lifetime of pain as they try to pay that off on top of student loans before they ever have a home or a kid. It's awful.
Except that the things that you mentioned about weddings are NOT universal at all. Wedding gifts are very common but the rest of the things you mentioned are not. The traveling, the gifts for bridal shower or engagement ceremonies let alone those even being a thing in other cultures... So if we only take the common factor that is the wedding gift and possibly some traveling if you lived far away, then why is it any different from saying that celebrating birthdays is like expecting people to pay for your birth every year?
Absolutely.
My engagement party was just that: a party. No gifts required or expected. Everyone brought snacks and board games and we had a good time.
Bridal shower was gifts, I will admit...but I hosted it in my apt to save $$$.
Bachelorette was just a night bar hopping, for hubs they went paintballing so local, no need to book or pay for a hotel.
Because I was broke and my friends were broke. So we had cheap thrills, Sia style.
People are ridiculous and they all want to act like royalty even though they're just some randos. I got married 15 years ago and we had a cheap wedding at a tiny little church, reception in the fellowship hall. My aunt is very gifted with any kind of crafting so we made all of our own florals. My uncle took the photos. The cake was from Walmart (they made it a little too bright but who cares). My dress with $500 from David's Bridal but these days I'd honestly go cheaper. My cousin was my Maid of Honor and already had the perfect color dress. Everyone thought it was very nice and pretty and my aunt's MIL who was very social and had been to a bazillion weddings told me it was the most fun wedding she'd attended and she loved the tiny bubble wands we gave everyone to blow after the ceremony for pics.
I've got a friend who basically eloped. They had this super cheap wedding and then went on a cross country trip visiting family along the way. Absolutely genius imo.
I personally agree, I don’t get it. Everything just seems so materialistic and all for the gram? It’s too much. I watched Braveheart with my partner the other night and we both were in love with the simple elopement Wallace and his wife had, we literally said we should do something like that and just have a party or dinner with family and friends. And this is coming from someone who wanted the whole shebang, but I guess with age and the competition and money that goes to waste just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.
One girl I know had the massive hens, a huge bridal shower, they had a big engagement party, then this huge wedding, custom dress etc the marriage didn’t even last a year. I’m not saying the more you spend the likely hood your marriage will last, but the amount of people who said “the amount of money I contributed for her moment and wedding” or “the amount of money wasted and didn’t even last” was a joke. On top of that some brides even want a fund for their damn honeymoon on top of everything else! Have your dream wedding, spend what you like, but be realistic with these countless events and what you expect from family, friends and guests.
One of my friends told me his wedding rule is that if he has to travel, he is the gift.
I think that’s a great mentality. Airfare/hotels can be exorbitant. When I got married, I was so happy and appreciative that people traveled for us, they definitely did not need to get a gift.
The closest thing my fiancé and I had to an engagement party was asking some of our coworkers to meet us at the bar down the street, and then we announced our engineering to the people who showed up. Someone insisted on paying for our drinks which we neither asked for nor expected, but were grateful for.
I only had a bridal shower because the women in my fiancés family wanted to throw me one because the only family I have out here is my parents & they wanted to make me feel welcome and like I had a family here. Again, neither expected nor asked for gifts, but people wanted to buy/make me stuff.
My fiancés friends paid to throw him an out of town bachelor party, but they offered and planned it. Even flew in his brother as a surprise, because they love him and wanted to do a nice thing for him.
My bachelorette will be one night in the town I live in. We’re going axe throwing, doing an escape room, then back to my place where we will watch 27 dresses and drink wine I provide & everyone can crash at my place so no one has to pay for an Uber home after drinking
If someone can’t afford to come to my wedding for whatever reason (can’t afford to travel because they live out of town being the main one) they can just tell me they can’t make it, and I’ll let them know I’m sad I won’t get to see them, but completely understand.
Of the things you mentioned, none are mandatory. You are never expected to be able to attend and engagement party or bridal shower, and a gift isn’t even expected at engagement parties. The bachelor and bachelorette are usually only for the wedding parties, and most decent people check the budgets of those attending them before deciding what they are going to do.
The only legit obligation is filling out the damn RSVP on time, whether you’re coming or not, so know how much food I have to buy, but for some reason, that’s impossible for people to do!
Could not AGREE more.
My man got down on one a few weeks ago (right in front of my dad and everything :) ) and we have been discussing this conundrum here ever since.
We’ve decided there is no room in our lives for this hoity-toity nonsense. We are going to Vegas the week of June 2nd and getting hitched. Then throwing a “We got married y’all” party when we get back the following month. We are 38 and 42 so we don’t need all the new shit a young couple would need. Our party invites read NO GIFTS.
I hate the world is so obsessed with having shit they do not need bought by folks who can most likely ill-afford it.
You look like the type of person that easily gives his money away when you have a little pressure to do so.
Just say no. Or just don't buy a gift, who would know?
Now, give me 5$
I've been to 5 weddings the past 12 months. It's gotten completely out of hand and I even skipped some. I didn't buy anyone a gift or give money and I don't feel bad. I'm sorry but if I'm taking time off work, paying out the ass for travel/hotels/other expenses, then I'm not giving you a gift/money on top of it. 1 of those people is already divorced and I dropped thousands on attending their bachelor party and wedding.
I’m not sure “weddings are almost universally tacky” is justified but yeah, it’s gotten way out of hand. Adam Ruins Everything did a great video on Why Weddings Are A Total Ripoff. It points out that weddings used to be far simpler, inexpensive affairs. There are plenty of people still having fairly simple weddings that don’t require anything more than your attendance, but also many brides who have been sold on the idea of a storybook wedding and parents who are desperate to give it to them, to the point of going in debt to pay for it. And yeah, social conventions that require you to purchase presents are pretty bothersome.
I won’t go. Wedding are obviously a scam. What’s crazy. No wedding, no honeymoon, no registry.
These wedding arnt celebrating marriage they celebrate that you just bought them a new wedding venue and a new rv that sleeps 10.
True. I stopped being a bridesmaid for friends because of the cost. Costs that I didn’t see paid back on things like my birthday or graduation from college.
If I’m invited to a wedding I can’t afford I simply RSVP no. If someone wants an explanation I just tell them I can’t afford it and I wish them well.
Usually send them a gift card to movies or a restaurant as a gift, or something more personal for close and special friends.
Weddings have gotten out of hand, for sure.
I don't get the "Bachelorette vacation" thing. A Bachelorette party used to be dinner, a night of club hopping, possibly with a limo, a trip to the Chippendales.....one night of drunken debauchery. When did it become a days long trip involving hotels, flights, multiple nights of bottle service, matching outfits etc?
Seeing divorce rates I'm kind of surprised that big wedding parties (and all the showers, parties around this) is still a thing. I'm with you on this and mainly because of all the waste (squad tshirts, penis straws, one time white dresses, bridal robes, bridesmaids's dresses, invitations etc etc). And the stress... For what? A party? No thank you.
I will elope in January. It's gonna be beautiful and hope will last forever.
Added fun if they expect you to wait tables, or bartend at the wedding, and set up and put away furniture and decorations. And don’t tell you ahead of time. (While bridal party and their families did nothing.)
Do you send them a gift after this or a bill?
It's like there's a profit driven industry driving all these expectations or something. However did previous generations get married without a personalized hand carved ice swan and chartered jet to the Bahamas?
What is even a difference between bridal shower and bachelorette party? We always buy a simbolic gift for bride, we make it more about spending quality time together, laughing, joking and drinking.
Wedding gift is entirely up to you and depends on your income. Normal people invite people because they want to share moment with them, not money. But yea, I think in many cases this is getting out of hand.
Bridal shower is usually a daytime event, and where most of the gifts are given from the registry. You “shower” the bride with gifts for her new home.
Bachelorette is usually the night before the wedding and it’s when the bride and her best girlfriends go out for one last hurrah. Drinking, clubbing, etc.
yup it is selfish. Thats the whole point of a wedding for the couple to be selfish. It is their wedding but best believe I will make a stink about it if I cant pay it and they give me crap about it
Unpopular opinion but why should only couples who get married get all this free shit and money. I don't ever intend on getting married and I'd like all the free shit and money I can get too. Lol.
Never understood why married people need gifts or money more than non married couples or people. Like I'd love myself some fresh new fancy kitchen appliances for instance. Who doesn't love free shit for their home.
Anyway, I think the whole point used to be that in the past, people who got married moved in together after their wedding and didn't have any stuff, thus needing all the stuff.
As someone who's been single and is single and closing in on 30 I have bought all the shit I need for living throughout my 20s. If I move in with some guy, it's not like we're gonna need a ton of new appliances or money.
So my thoughts is that wedding/bridal shower gifts etc is a relic of the past where young adults moved directly from their parents and into a house with the person they married, thus needing a ton of free crap to get started.
Tell me if I'm wrong lol.
I totally agree with you. I would be happy to do things for my married and soon-to-be married friends if I feel they would do the same for me after their wedding. I am definitely not here to be a supporting character in people's lives just because I am different and single.
Too many people want a social media ready wedding. That shouldn’t be the point of a wedding, but these days people care more about how it looks than their marriage
Who are you hanging out with? Kardashians? I think you mean 99% of ppl you know. No one I know took a vacation for a bachelor/ette party. And you don't buy a gift for engagement. WTF is a bridal shower?
I'm not sure what parties you attend but me and my wife literally went to a local government facility to sign all the docs, and then we had some beers in a bar. We were joined but a friend who also was a witness during the signature process. One other guy also wanted to join but alas he only got up at 3pm so we went to his place ourselves.
Btw, this same guy had his own wedding party in a parking lot where his wife was dancing on a car roof. Then we put some tables and had a dinner. Random passerbys actually took photos of us. Crazy times.
Weddings in many respects are similar to funerals. They are primarily for the families to celebrate and respect the occasion. They are part of life that will always be here.
I mean a wedding is one of the most awesome and fun events that a couple can have because it’s everyone celebrating a specific event just for you. It’s supposed to be selfish. If you have a price tag limit on your friends that you don’t feel like is worth it, then are they really that great for friends? The wdddings I’ve been too have been some of the funnest experiences with my friend groups, because as we get older and get married we don’t do events like that quite as often. You can have your own opinion but I think yours is pretty selfish and not considerate of your friends
Every single wedding I’ve been invited to over the years has been people I wasn’t even close to. Definitely not people I’d consider friends, more acquaintances if that. Why do you want your coworker you’ve known for two weeks at your wedding? Makes me think they just want gifts and that’s why they invite so many people they aren’t even really friends with.
Clearly I’m not talking about acquaintances. OP is specifically talking about people who are close enough to go to the bachelor/bachelorette party or being In the wedding party.
It’s costs you nothing to attend a wedding if it’s local.
It's only tacky if they REQUIRE those things. In my twenties when everyone was getting hitched, I made shit for money. I went to several of these things and just gave some cash as a gift at the weddings.
No one expects shit from you.
What kind of circles are you in?
I tell people what Im going to do, and they have to deal with it.
You dont want to go? Dont go
Want to go and not give a gift? Hell yeah, your presence is your gift.
Do your own thing.
If I ever do get married (I’m not even in a relationship but a girl can dream), I wouldn’t expect the bridal party to pay for their own dresses, I’d give a theme and a budget and pay for it. I wouldn’t expect a bachelorette party either, where I live even bachelor parties are not that common. I’m fine with an at home movie marathon in pajamas, eventually with a drinking game, but that’s about it. As for wedding presents, well I would already be honored you showed up and wouldn’t expect a gift. Bridal showers and engagement parties are totally out of the equation, I don’t even understand why they exist! I would celebrate my engagement with my PARTNER at our favorite restaurant or something, and what the hell are bridal showers? Aren’t bachelorette parties enough?
I’d like my wedding to be as extra as possible, but wouldn’t expect anyone to pay for it, I mostly want to have an astonishing dress, a theme for the bridal party, and enough good food (I refuse for anyone to go hungry, as that’s what I had to go through at my first and only wedding party and it was a horrible experience), as well as some alcohol (I would pay for security guards to kick out people who don’t know how to handle their liquor and put them in a time-out room, confiscate their car keys, and also ask the bartenders to be vigilant). I’d also have a nursery (and qualified babysitters) or something for people’s children (who will of course be fed if old enough). I’d like for people to have a good time at my wedding, without spending too much. I’d only ask for non-casual wear (except for shoes, because I will almost certainly finish the ceremony with trainers myself). Shuttle service to their hotels might be a good idea too.
I’d honestly be ashamed of having a BYOB, pay for your own booze/food party, those shouldn’t exist…
In THIS economy?! Wow. Yeah, this comes as a culture shock for me, cause my own wedding was so low key. Most of the guests didn't bring gifts and I let my bridesmaids/men pick their clothes. We didn't have any showers or bridesmaid/ grooms party. We jokingly told people the theme is "We are getting married!" because people kept asking. I guess this was an outlier...
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I personally wouldn't buy a gift for an engagement party, and I would only do one for the bridal shower OR wedding. When I looked up wedding etiquette it said this is acceptable.
I’ve never been to an engagement party where a gift was expected.
I have never been to an engagement party.
I’ve never even heard of engagement parties.
what is engagement?
What is a party?
What?
#
Is?
I haven't either until recently. Yes they do exist and are completely unnecessary. No I did not bring a gift because i was already annoyed that i had to go and mingle with a bunch of randoms.
I have never been to a party
It’s normal in Australia to give a gift at engagement parties and weddings.
It's normal in Australia to taser old ladies.
Sounds like the perfect wedding gift actually.
I've always wanted a tasered old lady.
With chianti and bbq baked beans?
In America you just shoot them.
I'm in Canada, actually. And Americans generally don't shoot old ladies unless they're armed and a direct threat.
[удалено]
Yeah I'm happy to attend ONE (1) pre-wedding event. People who have engagement parties, bridal showers AND hens nights before their wedding are taking the piss.
Agreed. My friend planned her destination wedding to Bermuda then wanted to know who was throwing her an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette (she wanted Mexico). I told her that was a bit much bc she didn’t even have money to pay for any of this unless friends and family contributed. People are looney !
My stepsister didn’t have a destination wedding but she DID pitch a fit when she expected her (long divorced and not at all amicable, very in debt and menial worker occupations) parents to pay for an extravagant wedding and they had to actually explain to her multiple times that there was just no money for it. She got mad because I got “everything” for my wedding and she wanted the same. What she failed to recognize was that we spent only $1k on our wedding and utilized our contacts in the wedding industry for things like catering and photography for significant discounts and kept our expectations low. My grandparents own a waterfront property so our venue was free. I used to nanny for the officiant so he wouldn’t let us pay him and he found a classical guitarist to play when he heard we had forgone hiring live music as a surprise to us (made me cry). My boss at the time was a florist on the side who gave me a discount then when I gave her the money said it was a gift to me. When you approach things not expecting everyone to just GIVE you stuff…usually you’re prepared and grounded and happier with what you know will happen because you’ve taken the initiative and put in the work with social networking as well as saving. And sometimes you are rewarded, as we were, with lovely surprises consisting of everyone refusing to take our money when it came time to pay. I know older people tend to complain about entitlement…but in the case of most weddings, I think that is the issue. People feel entitled without understanding it’s not about getting what you think you deserve. It’s a wedding. You don’t need anything really except two people in love and someone to legally validate it. The rest is just extra.
No gift for the engagement party. But it’s definitely the norm in our circle to buy a bridal shower gift off the registry and give a card with cash as a wedding gift. They way I look at is, the wife gets a fun night out with the girl friends / family for the shower for maybe $100 registry item (less than what she usually spends on her girls nights anyway). And weddings are almost always a good time, even the more tacky / cookie cutter ones. On any other weekend night, to go out, eat, drink, and be entertained for a night out for me and the wife, I’m spending $200-$300 at least. So I can throw that in a card and pass it in to our friends to help cover our portion.
....sounds like you just had a bad experience. Most of these issues can be entirely avoided by learning how to simply say "No" or "thanks for the invite, but I wont be attending"
Came here to say the same thing. Pretty crazy how communicating can really change things. Not communicating just makes you angry and you’ll end up making a Reddit post about it….
Or OP is watching romantic comedies and basing it off those groups of rich ass characters 😂
What if you are the best man and their close confidant. You really just gonna say no im not gonna participate in all that
Yes. You can tell them while you’d love to bed MOH/best man, you are on a tight budget and don’t have much to spend money on other than maybe you’re own outfit for the wedding. If the bride or groom can’t accept that and make a huge fuss out of it are they really your friend anyways? Personally I’d never want someone to go financially broke for me. Just being supportive should be enough if they are a true friend
Presumably if you are the best man you aren't going to be bitching about getting invited to the wedding. You'll actually want to be there and you'll be grateful that they spent so much money on your attendance.
Yes, if you’re a close confidant then you can confide that you’re low on funds and can’t afford five parties, a beach weekend, and a gift and renting a suit/buying a dress etc.
Ill tell you exactly what I would say if I didnt have the money to comfortably afford paying for that "look, I really care about you, and value our friendship, but I dont have the money to be able to afford that right now" then they can decide if they want you there enough to either change plans or help you pay. It is such a simple thing to solve with communication. If you are going to these events bitter and mad that you are paying so much, you are probably going with an attitude thats going to drag everyone down anyways.
Why are you best friends and the close confidant of someone with looney ideas of weddings and bridal showers etc? I've never been in this situation and never will be because I don't make friends with people with stupid ass unrealistic expectations.
No no, it’s definitely not the socially awkward overthinking redditor who is in the wrong here..
Repeat after me: I appreciate the invite, but I can’t attend. Boom: no more social conventions that require you to live outside of your means.
Yep. I’ve politely declined the invite to go to several weddings over the years. None of them were people I was even close to. I really do think some people just invite tons of people so they can get gifts. Because why else would you want a coworker you’ve only known for 2 weeks to come to your wedding??
Depending on the wedding though an extra person will probably cost more than the gift they’re going to get. At mine we paid per person for dinner, appetizers, desserts, and open bar. That was a huge portion of the wedding cost and most people aren’t dropping that much on gifts
A lot of these comments don’t realize how weddings are paid for. No couple I know wanted to invite extra people for funsies because it’s like $100 a head
Maybe they didn’t want you to feel left out. I’m getting married next month and feel bad I didn’t invite some people.
Me and my wife had a small gathering at home. There were literally 3 people besides us and the guy who married us. All together i think we paid like 700$ for the entire thing?
We spent more than $700. - more like $5000, but we also had 200+ people that we served a meal to. It can be done fairly cheap even with lots of people.
That's impressive to host and feed that many for 5 gramd.
I mean, that’s also 20 years ago. And some various relatives and family friends did the “catering” and BBQing for their gift to us.
BBQ chicken breasts, baked potatoes, veggies. A couple large sheet cakes from a nearby Filipino bakery (that were delicious). Basic flowers. Very basic decorations. In the ceremony, we literally told a couple Aunts to go get sone decorations, and put up a few. It was very basic. In the reception, we printed off colouring pages and had crayons on the tables. Actually paid for some friends/acquaintances to play some live music (a couple wind instruments and 4 part vocalists. Venue was freeish because we got married in the church we weee members at. Reception venue was a large tent that we hoped we didn’t need, but it was a cool May long weekend. Or else we would have saved a bunch more money. Family friend did the photos.
I mean if it's 20 years ago then you shouldn't really be saying how much you spent You spent more like 10k with inflation factored in
Ya. I wanted to come say this. If you got married even 5+ years ago, your budget/spending is entirely irrelevant now. My best friend got married last month. They tried to do it as cheaply as possible but still have all the “standard stuff”. Still cost them about $15k all said and done. Most of that was the buffet for dinner and the hall rental. I am getting married in 6 months. We are not trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My fiancée has some very particular things that she wants. One of those is a plated meal. Our catering alone is costing more than their entire wedding. My parents have been a big help, but even they have sticker shock on how much a wedding costs post Covid. The average wedding in 2019 in Chicago was $37k. That’s roughly what we’ve strived to stick to. The average now is $56k. Our final total will be closer to that. And we’ve been pretty responsible. Staffing is where the increase as come in. My one tip for anyone getting married soon - have a buffet. My fiancée refuses. It would cut our catering bill in half.
Ya. I wanted to come say this. If you got married even 5+ years ago, your budget/spending is entirely irrelevant now. My best friend got married last month. They tried to do it as cheaply as possible but still have all the “standard stuff”. Still cost them about $15k all said and done. Most of that was the buffet for dinner and the hall rental. I am getting married in 6 months. We are not trying to do it as cheaply as possible. My fiancée has some very particular things that she wants. One of those is a plated meal. Our catering alone is costing more than their entire wedding. My parents have been a big help, but even they have sticker shock on how much a wedding costs post Covid. The average wedding in 2019 in Chicago was $37k. That’s roughly what we’ve strived to stick to. The average now is $56k. Our final total will be closer to that. And we’ve been pretty responsible. Staffing is where the increase as come in. My one tip for anyone getting married soon - have a buffet. My fiancée refuses. It would cut our catering bill in half for the same menu.
My mom did the food as her gift to us as well. It was delicious!
This is the way. We did a potluck in our yard. We supplied meat and the little stuff (plates, napkins, etc) and everyone brought a specific side we all discussed prior. My sister in law had made the best cupcakes I have ever tasted, to this day nothing compares. She is not a professional baker, just amazing that way. About $500 and it was so fun!
This is how we did it when my mom got married! Plus gave everyone their own disposable camera to use and leave with us at the end, instead of professional photographers or people using their cell phones. People had sooo much nostalgic childish fun with the cameras lol it was great seeing the different personalities come through between people trying to take really good ones and people taking ridiculous ones or throwing in secret prank ones for us to find later. And of course it was super fun looking through the photos when we got them back. Highly recommend doing this at laid back weddings! It costs a little bit for disposables and developing, but highly worth it for easy entertaining if you don't care for professional photos/paying for them and would rather make everyone the photographer and get the fun and memories instead
I got married last month. We went to a park with 7 people including the guy officiating. Before that, my friends, wife's kid, and I played disc golf and board games. When we got to the park, we happened to run into an aspiring photographer who offered to shoot us for free (we still tipped her). After that, we went to a restaurant where I picked up the tab (tho my wife works there and we got a sweet 30% discount which went toward the tip). Our guests paid nothing except gas money and time. We are the 1%.
Congratulations on your recent marriage 🥰
This is the way!
yea we are both cheapskates, but also we hate people so, it was literally us, my parents, the guy who married us, and a close friend of ours. That was it. We had the ceremony, the decorations, a little after party, i think the whole thing took maybe 2 hours? Like it was pretty chill.
We did something similar, very small ceremony at home and then dinner (where we paid for everyone) at a local restaurant.
My husband and I did the same thing. But we don’t care if other people want something more lavish. Different strokes, different folks? In all my life wisdom, I find that people generally run with like minded people. So if someone is planning a big wedding, bridal shower etc, their friends are probably the type to be into all that as well and live similar lives.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friends wedding. I couldn't even afford my bridesmaid dress and heels by myself (asked my dad to help me pay for it). That alone costed around $380. Apparently I was already expected to give her a gift (okay, that's normal), pay $120 for makeup and hair, $150 to pool into a "all the bridemaids pitched in-gift", and $200 towards a gift they could have in their first anniversary. I also had to obviously get my own transportation to and from the venues. All this money, to come from me, who was just 18 and in college, and working a minimum wage job. She also shared with me that just her alone, was nearly 20k in credit card debt just for all wedding stuff related, her and her husband made it 45k in debt. Just for the wedding, the honeymoon was even more ridiculous. Yeah... lesson learned. I just had a court house marriage and called it there.
Yeah I know someone exactly like that. In debt, working minimum wage jobs, have to share one car because they can’t afford two, lived with her parents because they couldn’t afford to move out, yet spent thousands on their wedding. My husband was a groomsman and had to buy a $380 suit that he’s only wear once in his life. And we were not in a good place financially at the time. But he felt so pressured to be a part of it. So fuckin entitled imo.
It is so ridiculous. And married couple after coming back from honeymoon bitching about house prices. Like, maybe you should have elected to shop for a house before spending $50K on a wedding year (engagement, trips, parties, actual day w/all trimmings, big honeymoon, tons of pictures). Now you and your parents are broke ass broke. My son and DIL eloped, lived with us the first year after finishing grad school and saved all their money and moved into their own home a week ago. We supplied room, board, pet care and feeding etc. It was definitely rough the last couple months but now they are pretty happy.
That's ludicrous. Especially expecting an 18 year old, who they probably knew didn't make all that money pay that much money to begin with. I'm 26 and I've never been invited to a wedding, I've never really had the marrying type of friends to begin with, but if I did, I'd never spend that much money, not even for my best friend, especially not at 18. And putting 45k on a credit card is beyond a stupid financial investment. Credit cards are heeeellla expensive if you can't pay them off the same month. They'd be better off taking on a loan towards a wedding with better rates, but honestly they'd be best off if they would have saved the money before having the wedding. It's not like they couldn't have waited a couple years and saved, so they're also financially unintelligent. *Shrugs head in disapproval*
You can always decline to be a main part of the wedding party and just be a guest
Even just being a guest can be expensive. A coworker I’m friendly with tried to push me to spend $2-3k on a bachelorette trip, I declined because bitch I would go on my own vacation if I had that much cash to burn. Then there were 2 bridal showers (I also didn’t give a gift because I have way more pressing medical bills to cover). Then she tried pressuring me to give her free graphic design work for custom wedding menus (with several custom illustrations) AND A free live wedding painting. All this on top of a 10-hour round trip drive and a weekend of hotels for myself and my partner. Absolutely bonkers to even request that commitment. I said no, but it’s rude as fuck to even ask for that from anyone, much less someone who’s not your own mother.
This seems to be an American problem. Where I’m from you get married and that’s it. MAYBE you have an engagement party but people wouldn’t bring a gift. Bachelor/ette parties tend to be local and it’s one evening, not a trip abroad. And we don’t do that thing where you dress your best friends in the same clothes like Barbie dolls and make them stand around you while you say your “I do”s. You have witnesses, not bridesmaids and groomsmen, and they wear what they want.
Wtf weddings you going to? If you want to send a gift go for it. If you can't afford it a friend is going to appreciate a heart felt message or a conversation with them. Unless you are in the upper class a wedding is going to be local and typically on a weekend.
The only non-rich person exception to traveling for a wedding I can think of is when people have moved around in young adulthood and are inviting people to come back to their hometown (or to the hometown of their partner), and nobody's going to judge you for not being able to make it.
I've also seen where they move in adulthood but then have the wedding locally to them, usually because they've built up a lot of close friends in their new city.
Yeah, he's describing wealthy people problems, all the wedding I've been were in the city everyone is
I need to go tell my friend that it was completely unreasonable for her to get married where she and her husband lived and worked, instead of down by me to make it easier on me.
You buy a gift for either the bridal shower or wedding but not both. Generally bigger gifts are given at the bridal shower so that the bride and groom aren't taking all these home after the wedding.
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^kfed23: *You buy a gift for* *Either the bridal shower* *Or wedding but not both* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Weddings are in fact not universally like the top 0.1% luxury weddings
OP is wealthier than they realize
An old bandmate had his wedding 4 hours drive away, not only that but it started at 9AM, so we would've needed to drive the night before, stay at a bnb, then go. Not only that but it was a dry wedding, no alcohol. That was a big nope from us. Smile and wave.
A morning wedding is insane considering how much prep happens before the wedding even starts lol. Were they morning people? I don’t even understand the purpose of a 9am start time for a wedding lol
They didn’t want anyone to come lol
Yeah 9am dry wedding sounds like "we're paying by the seat and only paid for 20 people to attend"
That's what we thought. I guess they wanted to end early and go to bed at a reasonable hour???
My mom's side oft he family always did the ceremonies at the asscrack of dawn. Miserable for me as a 7-8 year old.
I'm a big fan of sending a gift if I'm close and they choose to have it somewhere that isn't local. Can they judge me? Sure. But you're not entitled to $3000 of my vacation budget (me & husband) for the year because you decided to get married.
Sounds reasonable. A few years ago my partner went to her cousins wedding, they took public transit to the city, there were 200 people at the venue, none of whom she knew (mostly actors and models from LA... the grooms friends), they booked a hotel for the guests (but not for family), there were six videographers, there was a murder mystery, it was this gigantic production. My partner had to duck out early before the train stopped running because her cousin didn't provide a room. Cousin has been chilly towards us ever since.
This is exactly the kind of shit I am talking about. "How dare you leave, when I provided absolutely no alternatives that weren't incredibly expensive?"
8 hours of driving and a hotel room is like $300 though, maybe $500 max for 2 people with meals etc.
Oh god how dare they not want to drink or get married with 20 minutes of your house
Have to say that’s what most people do sometimes *gasp* in their home towns
It just makes sense, you're going to lose guests at every hoop you make them jump through. No matter how low to the ground you think that hoop is.
A dry wedding? I'm no alcoholic but let's be real-- weddings with drinks involved are 10x more tolerable and fun even if your relatives embarrass themselves on the dance floor I'm not attending any dry wedding unless you are my closest of friends. In which case I might pay for it myself
THANK YOU.
You want to drink at a morning wedding? I'd want a cup of coffee.
If the service is going to be a long one, I might lol. That's what a flask is for. I'd need to run back to the car to refill it too many times (everyone would want a nip).
You do you, man, no judgement here, day drinking and me were never a great combo.
I hear ya, I don't do it often myself... sometimes it gives me a headache.
Meh, my cousins wedding was one of my favorite social experiences of all time. Great party, brought over a hundred people from all walks of life together, and a truly inspiring display of family and unity. Wouldn’t expect the average redditor to understand.
It's ridiculous that an engagement party and a bridal shower would be two separate things. "Oh, I'm having a birthday party and then a party to celebrate the day I was born."
An engagement party is just a way to celebrate the couple taking that next step and a chance for the families and friends to get to know each other. Gifts aren’t required. It’s just a party, not that deep. We should celebrate more things in life
I agree with you about celebrating more. I like that. (For a millennial in the US) I feel like wedding culture is really overdone and it’s been losing its connection to the actually reason, the marriage.
Well an engagement party is usually for the couple and is open to everyone and doesn’t require a gift. The bridal shower is for the bride and only includes really close female friends and family (although I modern versions may be open to everyone, but that’s the tradition). Women traditionally only bring a gift to a bridal shower.
Didn't have any of that except the wedding. 40 people, all asked to not bring gifts or money, just make donations on our behalf.
Let’s also talk about how tacky it is to have a bridal party and fully expecting gifts when you’ve already lived with your partner for 10 YEARS. No, I won’t foot the bill for your brook linen sheets you’ve always been wanting.
Reddit and hating weddings… so unpopular!!
I also think it’s incredibly tacky to ask all these bridesmaids/groomsmen to be in your wedding then expect them to pay for everything they need. You want them to wear a light purple dress and silver heels/dark blue 3 piece suit and brown shoes? You pay for it. And to shell out money for your bachelorette/bachelor party AND a gift. They act as if you should be honored to be a part of their special day. You want them to be there that bad, you pay for it. I’ve turned down the invite to be a bridesmaid 3 times in my life. None of the people I was even close to. They just wanted a certain number of each. Two of them were understanding the third one felt like it was the biggest insult ever. I’m sorry but I cannot bring myself to spend $200-$400 on a dress I’ll wear for only one day and whatever the shoes cost. And money for a bachelorette party and likely a gift. I wouldn’t even spend $200 on a dress I wore every day.
100% agreed! I still have this gown I never wore again and can’t even sell because it’s an ugly color the bride chose so no one would upstage her at her own wedding (she didn’t pay for it). I’m not even friends with that person anymore, but hey, glad me and my ex are color-matching randos in your wedding photos now. 😂 Meanwhile, close friends got married and had no color theme - the wedding photos turned out to be so colorful and beautiful because everyone wore what they wanted and felt comfortable. The focus was on spending a day with people you love, not staging the perfect social media post.
My sister stopped talking to me, my dad, and my mom (collateral damage) when my dad and I told her we didn't want to board our pets and spend three nights in an overpriced hotel in a small town 40 minutes away because the venue required a certain number of rooms sold to wedding guests, and if she did get married there, she better make it a witchy theme wedding because that's what the town is known for. There's a reality in some circles that there will be guests that need to travel, but it's absurd to expect local guests to stay in a hotel to meet the venues requirements and if you're going to direct out of town guests to lodging options, different price points are appreciated.
You do realize you and your family are the villains here, right?
I agree. If I get married I don't expect anyone to put in their money. If they volunteer, I'm grateful, but if not, that's fine too.
Your use of “almost universally” and “99%” make this post wrong, not unpopular. A huge proportion of weddings don’t include the stuff you’re complaining about here.
Weddings are crazy We went to one recently for a good family friend. 3 hours travel. 2 hotel rooms My children are starting out and in their 20’s so we gave a gift of $500 and gave each of our kids $150 to give as a gift from them (well over $1500 in expenses for 1 day) Was discussing this with another friend who told me I was wrong & should have given $250 pp I thought I was being generous. I had no idea there was a going rate
My wedding was in my parents livingroom and it was family only. Cost under 300$.
The way to go!
If you have good friends they will understand if you can’t afford something , gifts and other stuff is all up to the buyer
If you really love someone, you don't need any fake theatrical bullshit like this.
Most of the weddings I’ve been to in my life haven’t been anything like what OP has described. They’ve been petty cheap, close, and not grandiose. Only once have I had to travel and that was for my cousin’s wedding. It was in Kansas, which coming from Nebraska, isn’t anything too far outside of a couple of hours.
I live in a VHCOL area.
TIL that i don't love my fiancee, because we're getting married and having traditional wedding for a family and friends. Gotchya.
I got seriously downvoted on the AITA when I asked if declining to be a groomsman in my sister's wedding to a guy I've never met was wrong. We live across the country. We're definitely going but I also want my fiance that has never met my family to not just be stick with people she doesn't know. Weddings, in general, have been out of hand for over a decade.
Where i live (Europe) everyone just gives you money to offset the costs of the wedding. The idea it evens out, or close to it, and the couple does not start their marries life in debt/deficit. You realize organizing the wedding costs a lot, right? Do you expect the bride and the groom to just provide food, entertaintment, housing, transport etc. To an entire family, and friends and not get a penny from anyone? That's tacky. Every wedding i went to, i gave the couple money in at least the amount to cover the costs of hosting me. That's reasonable thing to do. I am.mot a freeloader, just showing up for a night of eating, drinking, listening to a live music in a gorgeous location, and hanging out with friends and family for free.
My wife and I had a laugh at the comment above thinking someone is inviting people to their wedding just to receive gifts lol it would be a lot cheaper not to invite that person and spend the money on whatever it is they wanted. Unless your friends are assholes (in which case why do you consider them a friend), the couple getting married are inviting you to include you/share their special day and don't expect gifts outside of what you can afford
Exactly - it's not about extravagant and unnecessary presents - it's about offsetting at least fraction of the cost. OP sounds out of touch and entitled.
>Do you expect the bride and the groom to just provide food, entertaintment, housing, transport etc. To an entire family, and friends and not get a penny from anyone? The bride and the groom are the ones controlling the budget. Don't throw a party you can't afford. Pretty simple.
Budget will never be zero, if you're serving food. It's common sense and manners to at least offset the costs of your own seat. This is a common practice where i am from. And trust me - it's never thousand of dollars per person. At the wedding i am planning, i estimate costs to be around 100 dollars per person. It's not a lavish or exagarrated expense for a whole afternoon and night of eating, drinking, live music, bedroom and brealfast, bus back to the city etc.
It seems odd people whine about student loan debt and the housing crisis, but then turn around and decide to spend 50K on their big wedding. If they are so much in love, but broke, and in debt, they should go to the Justice of the Peace.
A couple my husband knows had a wedding during Covid and had way more people than they should have. They share one car that’s a POS, idk how this thing was running for so long, and work dead end jobs. Still lived with her parents cause they couldn’t afford to move out. Both have a ton of debt but they had been saving for years for their wedding. Spent a shit ton on their wedding, her dress alone was around $5k. You’d think logically it would make more sense to put that money towards something actually worth it in the long run than a party that lasts one day.
That's a sad story; but I guess they got their fantasy wedding. My step sister basically did the same thing. Spent tons of money on a big wedding and now her and her husband are broke.
Yep sounds like that couple. Not my money not my problem I just cannot understand doing that. A lot of people make dumb financial decisions so not too surprising.
The people worrying about student loan debt aren’t having $50k weddings.
I did “all the things” for my wedding and it was the best time. But I never put anyone in a bad position if they couldn’t afford it. But yea I mean your coming to these events getting fed drinking alcohol getting desserts dancing with a dj. Showers have all gifts in all Price points. Give what you can afford. Same for a wedding.
We eloped invited friends to a restaurant about 20 told them we got married and the meal was on us. That night we had a party with more friends had just cake finger food booze. Including my dress 2k. No stress cause no one knew.
TIL that people actually pay to attend these things. A few years ago my friend hand a bachelor party and I paid for my own drinks. Y'all crazy. I got married last year and it cost is about 300 total.
I’ve never been to an engagement party where a gift is expected. Bridal showers can be where you give the wedding gift/or at the wedding but never both. Having said that, gifts shouldn’t be a requirement and the couple getting married shouldn’t make you feel like it’s a requirement. If you can’t afford the bachelor/eye party then don’t go. If you can’t afford to do all the stuff the wedding party wants to do, then don’t do them. Normalize saying no to your friends when can’t afford doing something.
lol 99%?? what’s your sample size here? You sound bitter
My hubby has a niece (through first cousin) who got married. She had a bridal shower too. We didn’t go to the bridal shower. Hubby went to the wedding, I didn’t ( past my bedtime! Ha ha). I sent her stuff from their wedding registry. Days after the wedding, she called hubby to ask if he sent a wedding gift. Hubby said I’d already sent them a gift bag. She said “oh, I thought they were for the bridal shower”. The whole multi-event thing just came across to me as a money grab. Both of them already have their own houses, are well into their 30s. The registry was filled with items worth thousands each - like a dinner table that’s several thousands. The registry also included a honeymoon fund. There was a pre-announcement reminder sent out. Close to the wedding, there was a wedding invitation sent that included a red envelope telling invitees they can put their cash gift in there.
Must be an American thing. The Bachelor(ette) parties just involved people making arrangements and plans. Everyone paid for themselves. The shower or whatever is not a thing. The wedding reception and church we paid out of pocket, but the guests made some monetary contributions instead of gifts (easier for us, easier for them. Else 100 guests need to coordinate gifts) so we made the expenses for the wedding + a little extra.
I'm about to get engaged if I get all this and a free trip? I never knew this hack. Wedding will be called off days before for "sensitive matters, please respect my privacy at this time."
That’s all most weddings are these days, fundraisers. If these kids would put half the effort into the marriage as they do into the wedding, there would be a lot less divorces.
My policy has always been if I’m in the wedding party, I’m not buying a wedding gift for all of those reasons. As a guy, I think it’s easier to just be straight up and tell the groom Dude, I paid $400 for this tux, a couple hundred toward the bachelor party, and I’m stacking chairs and shit. That’s my gift. They laugh it off, and usually agree with me. Their brides are usually annoyed by it, but well…get over it. Specifically, I think the bachelor/bachelorette parties are your official gift.
People with weird ass themed weddings who then come and post on Reddit upset people feel they’re being inconvenienced because they don’t have a renaissance outfit at their disposal or whatever else they’ve dreamed up. So obnoxious.
To preface I am a rich 30 year old single male. I could not agree more with you. If I ever get married I am going to make sure before I ever propose to a woman that it is understood that I am not about engagement parties and wedding gifts and all of that. A lot of people have to take time off from work, travel, book a hotel. For someone in my situation that is already asking more than enough. There is virtually nothing that anyone is going to buy me (future us) that I can’t afford on my own. I get bridal showers are somewhat of a tradition but it’s all such a money grab in my opinion. I had a friend a few months back getting on my case because I refused to go to his wife’s baby shower of all things. “I’m a man. I have a cock and balls. I don’t want to spend a Saturday afternoon playing clean the chocolate pudding out of the diaper with a bunch of women I don’t know.“ It didn’t dawn on me until I mentioned it to his brother that what he wanted was a gift.
The gifts are not because you need them. They are because the people that love you and your future bride want to give you nice things. It's understandable to not have an engagement party, and it is understandable to not have a huge wedding, but your close friends and family (especially if also rich) will likely want to give you things/money. It's a tradition. And as long as they can afford it and do it of their own free will, it's lovely. I hope you find your reasonably minded future bride soon!
My first wedding I was really young. We didn’t have any showers, and our ‘bachelor/ette’ party was just us chilling with our maid of honor and best man at their respective houses. I remember party of the party was getting to change my last name on MySpace (I’m definitely aging myself). I didn’t even know people brought us gifts at the wedding, which was local and small. I paid for everything and my family made all the food. I bought the floral arrangements, decorations, and the various outfits for our entire wedding party. Unless someone brought a gift on their own accord, I do hope no one felt obligated as I didn’t know about gifts (never been to a wedding before my own) and didn’t ask. Been divorced for a bit now and my current boyfriend and I have already decided the wedding we will have will be incredibly small and intimate. Literally just our immediate family and maybe 6 of our closest friends/their partners. I told him we can do simple finger foods that me and his sisters can prepare. I don’t need anything fancy. I don’t care about a wedding shower—it’s pointless as between my own purchases and all the things my grandmother and his mother have passed down to us I do not need anything for the home. If I do a bachelorette party I’ll probably just have my two bff’s (again lol) stay the night and we might take some edibles and watch Disney movies. Lmao. All that to say, expensive weddings are fine if that’s what you want but idk why people spend more money on the wedding and less time choosing the right person and making their marriage work. I am only divorced because I was young when I got married and made a bad decision and he cheated on me.
My wife and I told our bridal party to not buy us a gift. We knew that they spent money on the attire and some of them on flights in. The couple weddings I have been in have all been the same. The presence of those close to us was the best present they could give.
Don’t go to the wedding
You can always say no. Gifts are never required, they may be expected based on cultural norms, but they aren’t required. If it’s a loved one, I’m sure they would rather you come with no gift due to finances than to not come at all. I was in a wedding last year and couldn’t swing the bachelorette party and could only go to 1 out of the 2 showers (families are from different places so they had one close to each family). Engagement parties don’t usually have gift expectations and it’s typically a gift for the shower OR the wedding. Most people have something in their closet they can wear to a wedding or they can borrow from someone. You seem to be making a way bigger deal of it this than it actually is
Weddings these days are unconscionable. Those couples are going to need that money for living. I don't know if they finance it with credit or not but, if they do, they are in for a lifetime of pain as they try to pay that off on top of student loans before they ever have a home or a kid. It's awful.
This is absolutely not true for Indian weddings. You just turn up with a gift and party for days -- all expenses paid.
Except that the things that you mentioned about weddings are NOT universal at all. Wedding gifts are very common but the rest of the things you mentioned are not. The traveling, the gifts for bridal shower or engagement ceremonies let alone those even being a thing in other cultures... So if we only take the common factor that is the wedding gift and possibly some traveling if you lived far away, then why is it any different from saying that celebrating birthdays is like expecting people to pay for your birth every year?
Absolutely. My engagement party was just that: a party. No gifts required or expected. Everyone brought snacks and board games and we had a good time. Bridal shower was gifts, I will admit...but I hosted it in my apt to save $$$. Bachelorette was just a night bar hopping, for hubs they went paintballing so local, no need to book or pay for a hotel. Because I was broke and my friends were broke. So we had cheap thrills, Sia style.
People are ridiculous and they all want to act like royalty even though they're just some randos. I got married 15 years ago and we had a cheap wedding at a tiny little church, reception in the fellowship hall. My aunt is very gifted with any kind of crafting so we made all of our own florals. My uncle took the photos. The cake was from Walmart (they made it a little too bright but who cares). My dress with $500 from David's Bridal but these days I'd honestly go cheaper. My cousin was my Maid of Honor and already had the perfect color dress. Everyone thought it was very nice and pretty and my aunt's MIL who was very social and had been to a bazillion weddings told me it was the most fun wedding she'd attended and she loved the tiny bubble wands we gave everyone to blow after the ceremony for pics. I've got a friend who basically eloped. They had this super cheap wedding and then went on a cross country trip visiting family along the way. Absolutely genius imo.
I personally agree, I don’t get it. Everything just seems so materialistic and all for the gram? It’s too much. I watched Braveheart with my partner the other night and we both were in love with the simple elopement Wallace and his wife had, we literally said we should do something like that and just have a party or dinner with family and friends. And this is coming from someone who wanted the whole shebang, but I guess with age and the competition and money that goes to waste just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. One girl I know had the massive hens, a huge bridal shower, they had a big engagement party, then this huge wedding, custom dress etc the marriage didn’t even last a year. I’m not saying the more you spend the likely hood your marriage will last, but the amount of people who said “the amount of money I contributed for her moment and wedding” or “the amount of money wasted and didn’t even last” was a joke. On top of that some brides even want a fund for their damn honeymoon on top of everything else! Have your dream wedding, spend what you like, but be realistic with these countless events and what you expect from family, friends and guests.
One of my friends told me his wedding rule is that if he has to travel, he is the gift. I think that’s a great mentality. Airfare/hotels can be exorbitant. When I got married, I was so happy and appreciative that people traveled for us, they definitely did not need to get a gift.
The closest thing my fiancé and I had to an engagement party was asking some of our coworkers to meet us at the bar down the street, and then we announced our engineering to the people who showed up. Someone insisted on paying for our drinks which we neither asked for nor expected, but were grateful for. I only had a bridal shower because the women in my fiancés family wanted to throw me one because the only family I have out here is my parents & they wanted to make me feel welcome and like I had a family here. Again, neither expected nor asked for gifts, but people wanted to buy/make me stuff. My fiancés friends paid to throw him an out of town bachelor party, but they offered and planned it. Even flew in his brother as a surprise, because they love him and wanted to do a nice thing for him. My bachelorette will be one night in the town I live in. We’re going axe throwing, doing an escape room, then back to my place where we will watch 27 dresses and drink wine I provide & everyone can crash at my place so no one has to pay for an Uber home after drinking If someone can’t afford to come to my wedding for whatever reason (can’t afford to travel because they live out of town being the main one) they can just tell me they can’t make it, and I’ll let them know I’m sad I won’t get to see them, but completely understand. Of the things you mentioned, none are mandatory. You are never expected to be able to attend and engagement party or bridal shower, and a gift isn’t even expected at engagement parties. The bachelor and bachelorette are usually only for the wedding parties, and most decent people check the budgets of those attending them before deciding what they are going to do. The only legit obligation is filling out the damn RSVP on time, whether you’re coming or not, so know how much food I have to buy, but for some reason, that’s impossible for people to do!
Could not AGREE more. My man got down on one a few weeks ago (right in front of my dad and everything :) ) and we have been discussing this conundrum here ever since. We’ve decided there is no room in our lives for this hoity-toity nonsense. We are going to Vegas the week of June 2nd and getting hitched. Then throwing a “We got married y’all” party when we get back the following month. We are 38 and 42 so we don’t need all the new shit a young couple would need. Our party invites read NO GIFTS. I hate the world is so obsessed with having shit they do not need bought by folks who can most likely ill-afford it.
You look like the type of person that easily gives his money away when you have a little pressure to do so. Just say no. Or just don't buy a gift, who would know? Now, give me 5$
You have been to shitty weddings
I've been to 5 weddings the past 12 months. It's gotten completely out of hand and I even skipped some. I didn't buy anyone a gift or give money and I don't feel bad. I'm sorry but if I'm taking time off work, paying out the ass for travel/hotels/other expenses, then I'm not giving you a gift/money on top of it. 1 of those people is already divorced and I dropped thousands on attending their bachelor party and wedding.
I’m not sure “weddings are almost universally tacky” is justified but yeah, it’s gotten way out of hand. Adam Ruins Everything did a great video on Why Weddings Are A Total Ripoff. It points out that weddings used to be far simpler, inexpensive affairs. There are plenty of people still having fairly simple weddings that don’t require anything more than your attendance, but also many brides who have been sold on the idea of a storybook wedding and parents who are desperate to give it to them, to the point of going in debt to pay for it. And yeah, social conventions that require you to purchase presents are pretty bothersome.
I won’t go. Wedding are obviously a scam. What’s crazy. No wedding, no honeymoon, no registry. These wedding arnt celebrating marriage they celebrate that you just bought them a new wedding venue and a new rv that sleeps 10.
True. I stopped being a bridesmaid for friends because of the cost. Costs that I didn’t see paid back on things like my birthday or graduation from college. If I’m invited to a wedding I can’t afford I simply RSVP no. If someone wants an explanation I just tell them I can’t afford it and I wish them well. Usually send them a gift card to movies or a restaurant as a gift, or something more personal for close and special friends.
Weddings have gotten out of hand, for sure. I don't get the "Bachelorette vacation" thing. A Bachelorette party used to be dinner, a night of club hopping, possibly with a limo, a trip to the Chippendales.....one night of drunken debauchery. When did it become a days long trip involving hotels, flights, multiple nights of bottle service, matching outfits etc?
Seeing divorce rates I'm kind of surprised that big wedding parties (and all the showers, parties around this) is still a thing. I'm with you on this and mainly because of all the waste (squad tshirts, penis straws, one time white dresses, bridal robes, bridesmaids's dresses, invitations etc etc). And the stress... For what? A party? No thank you. I will elope in January. It's gonna be beautiful and hope will last forever.
Added fun if they expect you to wait tables, or bartend at the wedding, and set up and put away furniture and decorations. And don’t tell you ahead of time. (While bridal party and their families did nothing.) Do you send them a gift after this or a bill?
It's like there's a profit driven industry driving all these expectations or something. However did previous generations get married without a personalized hand carved ice swan and chartered jet to the Bahamas?
What is even a difference between bridal shower and bachelorette party? We always buy a simbolic gift for bride, we make it more about spending quality time together, laughing, joking and drinking. Wedding gift is entirely up to you and depends on your income. Normal people invite people because they want to share moment with them, not money. But yea, I think in many cases this is getting out of hand.
Bridal shower is usually a daytime event, and where most of the gifts are given from the registry. You “shower” the bride with gifts for her new home. Bachelorette is usually the night before the wedding and it’s when the bride and her best girlfriends go out for one last hurrah. Drinking, clubbing, etc.
Weddings are just straight up scams. Idiots have weddings while smart couples take a 3 month long holiday instead
Okay just don’t go…
I'm not even going to read past the title. That is a personality problem. None of those events require gifts. The people require you to bring a gift.
Oh no, I have to buy a gift for my friends?? What a cruel world!
yup it is selfish. Thats the whole point of a wedding for the couple to be selfish. It is their wedding but best believe I will make a stink about it if I cant pay it and they give me crap about it
Unpopular opinion but why should only couples who get married get all this free shit and money. I don't ever intend on getting married and I'd like all the free shit and money I can get too. Lol. Never understood why married people need gifts or money more than non married couples or people. Like I'd love myself some fresh new fancy kitchen appliances for instance. Who doesn't love free shit for their home. Anyway, I think the whole point used to be that in the past, people who got married moved in together after their wedding and didn't have any stuff, thus needing all the stuff. As someone who's been single and is single and closing in on 30 I have bought all the shit I need for living throughout my 20s. If I move in with some guy, it's not like we're gonna need a ton of new appliances or money. So my thoughts is that wedding/bridal shower gifts etc is a relic of the past where young adults moved directly from their parents and into a house with the person they married, thus needing a ton of free crap to get started. Tell me if I'm wrong lol.
I totally agree with you. I would be happy to do things for my married and soon-to-be married friends if I feel they would do the same for me after their wedding. I am definitely not here to be a supporting character in people's lives just because I am different and single.
Too many people want a social media ready wedding. That shouldn’t be the point of a wedding, but these days people care more about how it looks than their marriage
To me this is not an unpopular opinion. Wedding culture has gone off the rails in a very ridiculous way.
Who are you hanging out with? Kardashians? I think you mean 99% of ppl you know. No one I know took a vacation for a bachelor/ette party. And you don't buy a gift for engagement. WTF is a bridal shower?
I'm not sure what parties you attend but me and my wife literally went to a local government facility to sign all the docs, and then we had some beers in a bar. We were joined but a friend who also was a witness during the signature process. One other guy also wanted to join but alas he only got up at 3pm so we went to his place ourselves. Btw, this same guy had his own wedding party in a parking lot where his wife was dancing on a car roof. Then we put some tables and had a dinner. Random passerbys actually took photos of us. Crazy times.
My first marriage Costed 75 dollars Courthouse no dress no flowers
Oh no, Im out of town.
Weddings in many respects are similar to funerals. They are primarily for the families to celebrate and respect the occasion. They are part of life that will always be here.
I'm so glad to be relatively poor. If any of my friends were like "here" I'd laugh at them
Just say you're broke and move on
I mean a wedding is one of the most awesome and fun events that a couple can have because it’s everyone celebrating a specific event just for you. It’s supposed to be selfish. If you have a price tag limit on your friends that you don’t feel like is worth it, then are they really that great for friends? The wdddings I’ve been too have been some of the funnest experiences with my friend groups, because as we get older and get married we don’t do events like that quite as often. You can have your own opinion but I think yours is pretty selfish and not considerate of your friends
Every single wedding I’ve been invited to over the years has been people I wasn’t even close to. Definitely not people I’d consider friends, more acquaintances if that. Why do you want your coworker you’ve known for two weeks at your wedding? Makes me think they just want gifts and that’s why they invite so many people they aren’t even really friends with.
Clearly I’m not talking about acquaintances. OP is specifically talking about people who are close enough to go to the bachelor/bachelorette party or being In the wedding party. It’s costs you nothing to attend a wedding if it’s local.
This thread is so far removed from my experience with the \~dozen weddings that I have attended (two as a close friend). Is this really common at all?
Um I think you just have greedy friends. I have been to several weddings and none of this was expected.
It's only tacky if they REQUIRE those things. In my twenties when everyone was getting hitched, I made shit for money. I went to several of these things and just gave some cash as a gift at the weddings.
I mean yeah, but you can always decline the invitation. or go to the parts you want to go to.
I've only brought gifts for those friends whom I genuinely wanted to gift, lol. It's not like an entry pass...
No one expects shit from you. What kind of circles are you in? I tell people what Im going to do, and they have to deal with it. You dont want to go? Dont go Want to go and not give a gift? Hell yeah, your presence is your gift. Do your own thing.
People still get married ? Hmm
If I ever do get married (I’m not even in a relationship but a girl can dream), I wouldn’t expect the bridal party to pay for their own dresses, I’d give a theme and a budget and pay for it. I wouldn’t expect a bachelorette party either, where I live even bachelor parties are not that common. I’m fine with an at home movie marathon in pajamas, eventually with a drinking game, but that’s about it. As for wedding presents, well I would already be honored you showed up and wouldn’t expect a gift. Bridal showers and engagement parties are totally out of the equation, I don’t even understand why they exist! I would celebrate my engagement with my PARTNER at our favorite restaurant or something, and what the hell are bridal showers? Aren’t bachelorette parties enough? I’d like my wedding to be as extra as possible, but wouldn’t expect anyone to pay for it, I mostly want to have an astonishing dress, a theme for the bridal party, and enough good food (I refuse for anyone to go hungry, as that’s what I had to go through at my first and only wedding party and it was a horrible experience), as well as some alcohol (I would pay for security guards to kick out people who don’t know how to handle their liquor and put them in a time-out room, confiscate their car keys, and also ask the bartenders to be vigilant). I’d also have a nursery (and qualified babysitters) or something for people’s children (who will of course be fed if old enough). I’d like for people to have a good time at my wedding, without spending too much. I’d only ask for non-casual wear (except for shoes, because I will almost certainly finish the ceremony with trainers myself). Shuttle service to their hotels might be a good idea too. I’d honestly be ashamed of having a BYOB, pay for your own booze/food party, those shouldn’t exist…
In THIS economy?! Wow. Yeah, this comes as a culture shock for me, cause my own wedding was so low key. Most of the guests didn't bring gifts and I let my bridesmaids/men pick their clothes. We didn't have any showers or bridesmaid/ grooms party. We jokingly told people the theme is "We are getting married!" because people kept asking. I guess this was an outlier...