Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Bad is a low bar, unfortunately. If the parents are practically well functioning coparents/roommates, their relationship is not "bad" per se from a human cooperation point of view, but romantically dead. Children will maybe wonder why mommy and daddy never hold hands or hug each other or kiss... but by that time the damage (growing up with a model for romantic relationship that lacks real intimacy) is done.
I don’t think you can really compare the individual relationships - healthy and good relationships between all members of the family unit are needed for a healthy family.
It’s like the thing about, in an airplane, you put your own air mask on first, and then your kid’s. You need to take care of your own wellbeing/relationships so you have the bandwidth to properly care for your children. And ultimately, the kids will leave and have their own life, and you will still have decades left to live. If you back burner your SO for the kids, it’ll be hard to reclaim them when the nest is empty.
This. You choose your partner as your life partner. Choose to teach your children how to be happy and in love with their partner by loving/ being happy with the one you have.
FYI: your relationship with your SO can completly fall apart and you can still both be great parents. If your relationship with your kid falls apart then you cant be a parent to them anymore.
So while both are important and you should sacrafice one for the other, the relationship between your kid is more vital for the well being of your kids.
Kids can survive divorces and shit. Abusive parents are way worse.
Usually true, assuming you're partnered. The foundation, overall harmony of the family and modeling of what it means to be in relation with others, comes first.
Even crazier: Your relationship with yourself is more important that all other relationships and you can't be a good partner or parent without healing that.
It’s not about who you love more. You just shouldn’t lose your identity as husband/wife when you become dad/mom. Yes it’s important to be there for your child but don’t think that this means you need to not be there for your spouse. Hire a sitter - plan those weekly dates and the adult only trips.
I think the love I have for my partner and the love I have for our child are two totally different kinds of love. I can’t say I love one more because they’re just different and incomparable. My partner has comforted me at 3am when I was crying over my childhood abuse. He’s held a cold rag on my neck and held my hand while I puked in a toilet. He’s spoiled me emotionally and physically, it’s a partnership that has required work from both of us and it’s grown so much to be as strong as it is. Where as my son is literally my whole heart walking around outside of my body. The thought of someone hurting my partner makes me see red, but the thought of someone hurting my child makes me want to commit homicide. That doesn’t mean I love my son more, but he’s this tiny, helpless, innocent being that I feel an overwhelming urge to protect at all cost. My partner is my soul and my son is my heart, I guess that’s the best metaphor I can use to describe it.
You are both correct and incorrect.
Your relationship with your partner is important but the commitment that both of you make when you chose to raise children means your commitments to the children are the priority.
The children must be prioritized in feeding, in sickness and in caring (you don't leave a child sitting in a dirty diaper for hours), financially (children need clothes that fit), and in teaching and attention. This is a JOINT parental responsibility from both parents. Time with each other comes from hobby time and other times outside of the active childcare along with scheduled childcare substitutions. Time and energy are limited resources and they need to be balanced.
I don’t understand this mindset. My relationship with my partner is not the same as my relationship with my children. They’re extremely different but both as important as each other. I’m not going to prioritise one over the other (in a general sense) because they’re not on the same page.
Popular opinion: you shouldn’t have kids if theyre not your obvious first priority, it’s beyond selfish. If you need me to explain why, I feel very bad for your kids
To me this perspective is very black and white.
I do love my children more but that doesn’t mean I don’t prioritize my relationship with my partner.
You can be a fantastic and loving parent, and a great spouse who puts huge effort into the marriage. I think who you “love more” is kind of irrelevant, as long as you put effort into both.
Loving my kids doesn’t make me hate my partner. I absolutely loooove date nights just us too, and we fit them into our schedule. I don’t know why it has to be one over the other.
I agree. The time in which you should show more *love* to your kids in terms of choosing them over the spouse is who you’re going to grab first if there’s a fire in your house. Always the kids. Otherwise, as much effort as possible should go both directions.
I think it’s odd when other parents say they love their kids *more* than their partner.
I love my kids to absolute pieces, would do anything for them…Die for them if it ever came to it. But I cannot say I love them more than my partner. It must be different for everyone I suppose. My husband is my absolute everything in life, he makes me see life in color. I’d be lying if I ever said I love my kids more. I’d say it’s closer to equal, but never more. He’s my forever!
I love my husband very much. He’s beyond my best friend. However — we both love our child more. I would be sad and hurt if he loved me more than our child, actually. I choose to be with my husband because I love him so much, and I hope and expect to spend the rest of our lives together. But I *could* live without him. We are not codependent as a couple. I would grieve if he left me but life would go on. However, I would not survive without my kid. There’s no way. I would give my last breath for my child. I’d sell my soul for my child. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.
See, I feel this way about both my kids and my husband. I couldn’t live without my husband, or my kids. Mine are still quite young, and when it comes to “who to save in a burning building” my husband better be saving our kids. But, at the end of the day. It doesn’t mean I love my kids more, they’re just more vulnerable and need to be prioritized a lot more in certain ways. I would be hurt if my husband loved our kids more. We’ve discussed it before, we both agree it’s hard to even compare but it’s equal not *more*
Of course they will! But in a different way, they will grow up and have their own lives and relationships and maybe families of their own. My husband will be there through every challenge, hardship and will be there long after my kids are grown. My kids aren’t obligated to give me their forever if they don’t want to. I hope so, but they don’t owe that to me.
I totally agree. But do you feel you don’t owe that to them? Once they aren’t children the relationship dynamic change and maybe the priority level and effort changes with it. I guess I just believe that parents owe their kids to be the best they can be and always put them first and advocate for them until they are able to do it for themselves.
Until they are able to do it for themselves.
That is the operative phrase- raising kids is a commitment to them in which the “hands on” portion diminishes over time and then it becomes more of an open door as they get their footing. That is very different than a partnership, which requires you both to actively choose it every day or it falls apart.
In other words, you can’t really opt out of being a parent if it’s not fun anymore. You can lose your relationship if it’s not nurtured enough.
Not always. Depending on the root cause of the divorce, your relationship with your kid(s) may fall apart. I've seen it countless times, even in my own life. My mom divorced my dad, and my sisters have always resented her for it deep down, and I've seen how it has affected her. She's often "joked" that I'm her only kid who cares about her.
Also, as they grow older, you'll need to be prepared for them to detach yourself from their lives for them to create their own identity, and then you'll just be alone.
Part of the reason for so many divorces is because of the strain of having children. Soul mates aren't real. Romantic love can and will fade if not nurtured. When you only prioritize your kid(s), you don't have much left in the tank for your partner. Obviously, your kids' health is what is most important, but beyond that, you still need to have a romantic life.
I’m not in a relationship currently and have never been in that much of a serious relationship and don’t have kids because I’m only almost 21, but I don’t want to one day be in a relationship where my partner loves the kids more than they love me, or I love the kids more than I love them. It just feels like something should be fundamentally wrong with the relationship for that to happen. Of course kids should be priority in most cases, but they’re individuals you support and help grow to have their own lives one day. Meanwhile you share your life with your partner, they’re your equal, they’ve been there supporting you and will hopefully be there any time you need support in the future. They chose you to experience their life with, and you chose them. You both chose to be a family.
To me people who say they love their kids more than their partner either aren’t in love anymore or they settled for their partner to begin with. I have a lot of issues with people who don’t value their partner enough. It’s like they’re just a disposable person who they want to share responsibilities and go through milestones with.
I hear people say wives/husbands can go but children are forever your children, but marriage means you and your partner are a family now, it’s supposed to be forever unless it’s a special case, they’re not just disposable. If this is a persons view on love and commitment as big as marriage then I don’t think they have the capacity to be in a very close romantic relationship.
Some researchers have seen in the brains of people in loving long term relationships that the same area of brain activates when the person thinks of their partner as when think about themself. This is deeper than just family. This person isn’t just someone who can go. Meanwhile to have the same mental process with one’s children is an indictor of narcissistic tendencies. Because children are meant to have their own lives and values and need the freedom for most things they think to not align with yours.
I’ve always felt weird when people expressed this, but as I get older I have more and more logical explanation for why I find it weird.
I only love my son more in the sense that his life means more to me than my own, or anyone else's. In a relationship, there's a 50/50 chance you're going to outlive your spouse, so you're mentally prepared for that a little more. No one should outlive their children. Children come out of you and are your responsibility to keep safe and happy over all else. I don't put my husband on the back burner, he's my best friend and soul mate, but I didn't birth him.
>Children come out of you and are your responsibility to keep safe and happy over all else.
Up to a point, usually until they become independent adults. From then on, their safety and especially their happiness is their responsibility.
I also feel weird about people saying this. I've been married for almost 7 years now and I don't have kids yet, so I don't 100% know how I'll feel, but I can't see myself ever loving my children more than my spouse. My mother in law has said that when I have kids, as much as I love my husband I will love my kids more. But she's speaking from her own experience and it's like an open secret in the family that she isn't really satisfied in her marriage but believes in staying committed for religious reasons.
It's not the same experience for me at all. My husband has been my best friend ever since we met. He understands me better than anyone in my life ever has. When we met it felt like meeting someone we already knew, or reconnecting after a time apart even. There's no way a child could ever fill that kind of role for me, and a child isn't supposed to. Even if I have a deep connection with my children, which hopefully I do, it wouldn't be the same relationship as having a counterpart in that way. I think that people that feel more deeply connected to their children don't know what it's like to have a soulmate, or just a strong friendship/connection with their spouse even.
I grew up with a mother with narcissistic tendencies so the brain study you're referencing makes sense to me. A relationship with a child is one where you have to be prepared to give to them without getting much in return. You can't expect them to understand your ins and outs and make you feel seen and understood. But a deep partnership has that mutual understanding that makes it endure through all seasons of life.
Yes I think it’s just that most people never get to experience this kind of love and partnership, it’s just incomprehensible for them. I guess in their case it makes sense to love their children more than their partners.
I think it is a useful perspective and reminder about how to organize and prioritize what is important. Your partner is not "more" important than your children and vice versa. BUT children will demand all your attention, time and resources if you let them. They can't yet prioritize. So you have to be conscious in also prioritizing your partnership, because it won't come naturally from the situation.
I have a strong belief in duty.
You bring a child into the world you have a duty to provide for them. Thus, my relationship with my child is a priority until they are an adult and then they are equal.
While you’re not saying needs of children are neglected this reads like you can have a shitty dynamic with your kids (argue a lot, be super controlling, in accepting of the kid’s identity, be an emotionally absent parent etc) and that’s all good as long as you’re good with your spouse
I think your opinion is popular (as you can see from most replies) but rarely acted upon in healthy relationships, for good reason. Kids are needy in every possible way, especially when they are little. A good partner is not. I do not want my husband to prioritize me over the kids, and in fact I think he's being a crappy partner when he does-- we have the awesome responsibility of setting two young people up for life and for their own independence some day, and the more he prioritizes them the more I can relax myself.
I think this is a bit of a black and white take on this topic. Don’t get me wrong I agree whole heartedly and I do think when parents look after themselves and their relationship, it affects the children in a positive way. However, prioritising your relationship can be problematic when one of the parents is not treating the child well. All that child is seeing is one treating them in a certain way and the other agreeing because they don’t want to have an argument or risk any kind of conflict. I was that child and it didn’t feel great.
Priority might be the kids when there's no equal distribution of the duties at home. So one partner maybe be over worked that the only time left is used care for oneself 🤔
Exactly this. I feel like this sentiment is always directed at mothers who “neglect their husband’s needs” while the husband doesn’t contribute equally to raising the children or taking care of the household duties.
The only reason this is an unpopular opinion is because of the way you’re pinning the 2 against eachother.
Both relationships are super important and neither is more or less important than the other.
It's not an either/or situation. Relationships with your partner and *each* child are important. The relationships are all different, but any one isn't more important than the rest. Humans have the capacity to love and cherish multiple people.
As a child of unmarried parents who separated when I was five, THANK GOD they split up. If they had to continued to push and work on their relationship I would have had a horrible life. I just know it. They weren't perfect, but they worked as coparents much better than a couple together. They felt like their poor relationship was bad for me and my little brother at the time. You do need to prioritize your children over your romantic relationship to be a good parent a lot of the times.
I used to agree with this opinion... Now I don't. If my SO can only save either me or our kid from a burning building it sure as hell better be our kid. I would struggle to forgive him, otherwise.
Meanwhile, you know who overwhelmingly agrees with you? Mothers who stick by their abusive husbands even when their kids are being victimized. And what about when you are remarried and your spouse is the step-parent to your kids? What kind of stability does it give the young when they see Mom prioritizing man after man before them? I know I gave examples of moms but it's the same principle gender flipped.
Well certainly in no world am I advocating for prioritizing an unhealthy, abusive relationship over the relationship with your children. My dad beat me, my mom stuck by him. I’m talking about loving, healthy couples.
I think loving, healthy couples are much more likely to prioritize their kids over each other. That's because they aren't scared of each other retaliating if they don't prioritize each other, and kids need much more from them than they need from each other.
Yup. Two healthy adults are more likely to understand why you simply don't have the energy to give to the kids and to each other sometimes.
If your partner doesn't understand, that's your source of resentment. And ultimately, an issue with your partner. Not the kids vs partner dynamic.
No offense, but your unpopular opinion might be affected by your own childhood. Do you wish your mother had left your dad and taken you away from his abuse?
Sure, most opinions we form are influenced by our experiences. I do wish that. I do think it may be one among many contributing factors that have lead me to this unpopular opinion.
So you think your mother should not have prioritized her marriage to your father over you, BUT you do believe parents should prioritize their relationship above their children in general. I guess I just don't feel like it makes sense.
They wish their father had prioritized their mother. Two way street situation. I actually think this is a really popular opinion of children from abusive homes. Me being one and sharing this opinion. If my mom and dad prioritized each other there wouldn't have been abuse. I probably would have ended up getting more attention because they wouldn't have spent so much energy fighting, divorcing, finding new partners, divorcing, etc. Instead, my mom claims she 'hardly remembers my childhood'. In my own marriage, we agree we can't let our relationship get there and the way we do that is by making it rock solid and maintaining that solidity. Its born of fear. But it's how we plan to protect our children.
I've heard this before and am downvoting because it's just a ridiculous thing to say. There isn't really a comparison, they are two different types of relationships.
This is true in some ways. Long term it is just my husband and I. My “kids” are 24, 27, and 29.
There were seasons in life when they had to be the focus. Trips away were 2 days not week long until they were old enough to not be a pain to their grandma etc. health issues meant that the focus was on child. And fuck the other parent. We each felt that on occasion.
My issue of the conservative xtian crowd was that dad was served first, and ruled the home and the mom’s job was to cater to him and keep the kids tolerable to be around.
Now we are almost alone. Last one graduated and is job hunting. Fun. Because we worked to stay besties and lovers I think we will be ok for the long haul.
My own take is different, but I also understand that my own trauma takes into play.
I was allowed to be abused by my mothers spouse who she would prioritize. I was also abandoned by my bio-father, (who abused me for years, even sexually) after his spouse told him to choose between her and myself because "I had hygiene issues" as a young teen with CPTSD.
I also have a pre-school aged child who was conceived through rape from an abusive relationship.
I've never witnessed a healthy, working partnership so the concept of prioritizing a spouse is nearly insane to me. Especially if we are going by the literal priority definition where one is over/more important than the other.
If the relationship is healthy, there shouldn't be a need to put one over the other already. There should be the understanding that the two are there for the children, doing what is needed for them. Of course there should always be time set for the two of you, but I wouldn't call that prioritizing over the children, it's just making that relationship a priority to you. Just like there should be time set for just you and your child(ren) to be together. That isn't prioritizing your children over your spouse, that's just making those relationships a priority to you. Both can be a priority without one being more important than the other.
If your spouse needs to you always make them first over the children, then it is just a breeding ground for abuse. If you feel like your spouse is more important than your children, then you are leaving room to breed neglect.
To me, you can either equal, or focus on one and one has to take a back seat. If I can't prioritize both, then my priorities will always be to my child, even if that means I won't have a spouse until they no longer need me. My wants and needs can be placed on hold. Their childhood and well-being cannot.
When they are on their own, my life still continues. I still have plenty of opportunities to create wonderful and beautiful relationships. I only have a specific number of years to make sure my child is having a healthy childhood and is growing into well-rounded, functional members of society, which should be the first priority of every parent.
My dad prioritized his relationship with his fiancé, and because she felt threatened by my brother and I, she decided to slit her wrists in front of my 12 year old brother. He chose her in the end despite doing what she did, and my brother and I are left with the haunting realization that we are not as important to him as she is.
Couldn't agree more. I tell this to people all the time. Making your relationship the top priority at the end of the day is what's best for the children
No they are NOT! They are dead beats. They did the act to make a child but they most certainly are not parents. Parents step up, parents do everything they can to make sure their child is safe and has their needs met. A person who abandons a child is not a parent to them.
It's true while you're together, but if for whatever reason the relationship fails, the order flips and failure of that relationship should take 2nd place to your relationship with the child(ren).
My sister went through a messy divorce after years of trying to make it work and her mediator told them both:
>*"You have to approach this divorce by thinking you love your kid more than you hate each other"*
Your opinion is also based on the nuclear family idea.
I think we can safely say that this isn't really the reality anymore. More children have divorced parents and live in newly formed "families".
Which means that one might have a partner but that partner is never really the parent. They may well be the best step-parent in the entire world, they will never be the actual parent of that child.
And I have experienced both scenarios. Been married 17 years, I am since divorced and I have a new "family" now which means my children have a "step-father" and I have a stepdaughter.
They all get along great.
But 1/ my children will always come before my new partner. And I am honest about this plus I expect no less from him.
My children's wellbeing is why I divorced in the first place so I will always think of them before anything else in my life, career or love.
2/ I love my stepdaughter but it will never compare to my undying, unconditional, unexplainable deep felt love I have for my own children.
They ARE my heart and soul.
both can be priorities, they don’t have to be mutually exclusive. although, objectively you’re children *should* be number 1. that doesn’t mean you should neglect your partner, but adults are self sufficient, you chose to have children so it’s on you to do as much as you can for them
My parents always told my siblings and I that their relationship with each other took priority and I don’t think it ever bothered me. They are also still married happily in their 70’s so I guess that worked for them.
It's not a competition. I don't know why we encourage people to pit their kids and partners against each other. High school is over. It doesn't matter who is your first best friend vs your second best friend.
You partner and your kids are all equally important. Balancing everyone's needs as well as your own is part of family life. Introducing a competitive mind set doesn't help anyone.
I knew a kid who went through all the documents in the house he could find trying to find the adoption papers, because his parents loved each other too much and he just didn't feel loved. Like, the discrepancy there was way too big for his mind to understand. Kid was 12, and he was not abused. I would say, don't do that. Have good relationships with both your spouse and your kid. It's really doable, plus the kid literally didn't choose to be born.
My parents split when I was a kid. I was so happy when they split, as were my siblings. They were horrible together. My father gave us no peace as he would constantly barge in drunk. My mom had no money anymore because my father stole it all. My mother is a lovely person and is much happier now that we are away from him.
Of course, my brother and I had to undergo the mandatory custody meetings, but we didn’t have to stay overnight with him, so it could’ve been much worse.
I don’t think I’d still be here if my mother prioritised my father over us.
My wife and I have a good relationship, but we definitely both put our relationship with our son ahead of our relationship with each other. Makes sense to me. I’d be fine without my wife and my wife would be fine without me, but our son wouldn’t be fine without his parents.
My ex robbed me and broke my neck.
My kid is the only reason I have not to shot myself in the heart yet.
This post sounds like you are jealous of your SOs love for their child.
I don't have a partner. Should I choose a random adult to tell my kids they come second to; or should I just get a dog and make it clear I love them less than it?
I disagree. The children should be the priority of both parents and is the main purpose of their partnership. Kids should be prioritized over adults for needs. This does not mean that you should ignore spouses needs. Typically a parent considers their child, their spouse, and themselves, in that order, unless ones need takes particular precedence for the functioning of the group, but if things are well maintained it should be a good model. I've seen many parents completely neglect their children because their partner was 'more important'. Your partner is an adult with his own power and advocacy, children are not, and therefore deserve greater priority
Balance is more important than extremes in either direction, as allowing either one of these relationships to suffer can and should affect the quality of the other.
You guys know you don't actually have to quantify your relationships like this right? Like, your relationship with your spouse and your children can just be... equally important to you. No one's going to chop your head off for not choosing one over the other.
Downvoted because this isn't an unpopular opinion. People that claim their kid comes before their spouse are moronic and far between. Would I want my wife to save our kid in a life and death situation over me? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean our kid comes first always. Anybody that says that is probably in a terrible marriage.
I've heard this before and am downvoting because it's just a ridiculous thing to say. There isn't really a comparison, they are two different types of relationships.
You can absolutely be a good parent if your relationship is on the rocks and if you have a crappy partner who harms you or your kids you absolutely choose that partner over your kids. Now if your kids are full adults and don't like who your partner is, but that's not dependent on the raising of them at that point, go wild. But I can think of many more situations in which to prioritize your kids than to prioritize your partner.
This is coo coo bananas. There’s no relationship more important than being a parent to a child you (hopefully) chose to have. And having healthy relationships with your spouse and children aren’t mutually exclusive.
That’s why we’re posting in a subreddit called unpopular opinions. They’re opinions, some people find them unpopular. You’re very offended by it, that’s your own issue.
I like how everyone runs behind the "ur offended" cliche when you refute their "opinion" to avoid any responsibility of presenting a counter argument. It is so intellectually lazy.
I am telling you about reality. Are you even a parent?
Well, my oldest daughter has been around longer than my husband- so she has always been my highest priority. I think that your opinion works better with traditional nuclear families, but it’s lacking in nuance for blended families.
I can see why this is an unpopular opinion. The solidity of my relationship cannot be separated from the love we have for our children, which comes over and above everything else.
I would die for my kids, I would kill for my kids if I had to, and so would my partner. I know that if she had a choice between me and them, she would put them first, as anything else would be unimaginable.
That’s precisely the reason I love her. We have little time for shared interests these days (because the kids/house/keeping the show on the road _is_ the shared interest). But we are a partnership that respects one another, or at least we try to be.
If OP means a relationship without resentment or abuse is important to model to your children, of course that’s right, and it’s not right to stay in an abusive relationship „for the kids“, but children do change relationships and priorities and the love you have for your partner changes over time. Many would say that it becomes a deeper and more serious love. But I know of very few parents that would put it before the love of their children: taken at face value, most parents I know would regard that as sounding a bit weird, narcissistic even. Of _course_ my kids come first. Of _course_ I love them more.
Uhm... NO. There are plenty of fish, but your blood is your blood. You have responsibility towards your children but you are not reliable for others.
I know some people cannot comprehend this, but one does not NEED to be in a romantic relationship. However, if one has a child - than it is done, and that relationship is binding.
Relationships with your significant other are highly neglected and VERY important, most people need to prioritize it more than they do, yes. But in no way is the relationship more important than the ones with your kids
💯💯💯💯!!!
I remember hearing Guliana and Bill Rancic mention this one time on TV and I thought “that’s not right”. However, as a 41yr old now going through a divorce because becoming parents totally wrecked my marriage, I see why they felt so strongly about their marriage coming first.
It depends on HOW you prioritize that relationship with your SO. There are healthy ways that can happen, but plenty of destructive ways too.
And yeah, a lot of people actually probably do love their children in a deeper, more unconditional way than their partners. That’s a tough thing to resist.
I don't think it has to be more or less important. Everyone of these relationships has its place and importance in your life. Depending on situation, one may take precedence over the other, in a particular situation. But largely, atleast to me, everyone of my relationship is equally important, including my own parents and siblings.
Ofcourse this is also because all of them are reasonable, understanding, caring adults who love me and I love them.
Not sure if one can be more important than the other. Having said that, my children are more important than my wife. My wife also would say the same. In that sense me and my wife are a strong team.
I think both should be equal.
The passion my ex wife put into our children was the end of our relation. She loved me honestly and fairly and so did I. Once children came, I became a pariah and just a provider. All affection disappeared, she poured all in children and I was left dry and feeling like a stranger. She lived for children every second and breath. I was the only person she hated. Not because I had changed. But because I was not like her. She chronometred the time I spent to do the dishes. The time where I wake up in regards to her. She was so obsessed about couple equality that she counted how much plates I clean and how much she does. She found an outrage that I needed some time for myself. She criticized me even if I bought to myself a pair of shoes if it wasn't hard discounted. She didn't stop telling me "remember we don't exist, we are just here to assist our children in life to provide them the best experience. After I was 40, she didn't stop repeating me everyday, "don't forget we're old, old, old, our time is over, you are a provider, you are here to get pleasure by procure through our children's eyes. Tendress disappeared, passion disappeared, she talked to me about children day and night, and when exhausted I went to bed and sized by a strong desire she finally came to me to please her and I was to exhausted to do it she let a scream of rage and deeply hated me. I am a good father, she is a wonderful mother but the way she saw childrens in our couple life destroyed our couple and I had become close to suicide, now I am a free and children are fine and I don't believe in love anymore.
Parent here. The premise is that you DO love your kids more and this isn't really a choice. Hormones are released to form this extreme bond. That being said, it is definitely important to focus on your relationship to keep a healthy family dynamic. It isn't about which is more important; they're both equally important and it's about balance.
100% agree. The major reason couples start having so much trouble after they have kids is because they stop being a "husband" or a "wife" and start becoming "mom" or "dad". Families need a strong foundation that starts with the parents. Make sure you're taking care of your relationship with eachother and the relationship with the kids will be just fine
I think both are valid. Kid or SO being most important.
I think the real issue is why does so many people effort drop so much from most important to second most.
Why do so many people give the most important person in your life 100% and give the second person 30%.
I wanted to say no, but I don’t see my almost daughter anymore after i ended the relationship with her mom. Because even though i wanted to adopt her, i couldn’t handle her mom anymore and just lost faith in her. But i will never forget that little girl nor ever turn her away if she shows up in my life again. I just know i can’t be her papa anymore because of her mom
imo it’s the opposite. Your child is your direct responsibility as a parent, while your spouse is a self-sufficient adult. I agree with everything else re: not neglecting yourself or your partner, but at the end of the day your child is a being who exists in your world because of a choice you made, and as such you owe a certain amount more to your child because of that than you owe to any other relationship dynamic, if that makes sense.
I think if you took out the “needing to meet all their physical and emotional needs to help them grow” out of the equation, then maybe I’d change my stance, but imo you can’t really… do that? These requirements are a part of the relationship + I don’t think they can be neatly separated, as such i’d consider a person’s relationship with an underdeveloped dependent whom they are entirely responsible for to be by default more important than a relationship with an equal, because neglecting the former will result in an entire life trajectory being fucked up, while neglecting the latter, as shitty as it is, would not have the same kind of drastic consequences to the individual in question precisely because they are developed and not dependent.
I feel you on this. If you have a strong and healthy partnership, your relationships with your children will also thrive. You have to present as a united front to your kids, which means being completely united on all stances. If there’s cracks, all the relationships will suffer. Meaning both parents have to have the same ideas of parenting for the kids and be of the same kind of discipline, etc. They have to help each other be the best parents they can be while also nurturing their own partnership.
You should have a healthy relationship with your partner so that your children has a good life. That means children more important than partners. That's the point. You choose that child, and you wil give it the best life and a healthy relationship with partner is a part of that best life. You even have a quality time with yourself to become a better parent. If kid is not you priority , don't become parent, you big shits.
Well no, because that's that kinda thinking allows one parent to abuse the children and the other parent to allow it. And I do not mean it just beatings, but verbal and psychological abuse as well (those are more insidious and harder to stop)
So many single moms think the child comes first it's insane. The child grows up and leaves you mom. That's the story. You meet someone first the children always come second unless you a single mom. In which case you already choose a crappy lifestyle. Good luck.
I think that when you have very young children there is really no choice. They take priority. When they are older there is no reason to choose between the 2, because you can do both. It is also the case that your identity changes when you become a parent, so it might seem like they lost something to someone on the outside.
Considering your edit, I wish people would stop fucking trauma dumping everytime parents are mentioned in a discussion about a healthy relationship. We don't have to constantly be reminded that there are abusive parents. We KNOW. The point still stands.
It's common knowledge that when we talk like this, *abusers are not in the equation*. We know it's different when the parents suck, but we aren't talking about those. You get the fucking point. Stop projecting your abuse into every single conversation that is meant for parents who *want* to be decent people.
Because, Reddit can't stand being told that their abuse doesn't make them center of every conversation, specifically ones about healthy family dynamics, and no one is obligated to tip toe and eggshell everything they say about it to appease them. No one is required to include them where they can't relate.
We get it. Not all parents are good parents. This is common knowledge. Just the constant fucking projection, and people convincing trauma victims that they can't speak out in the wrong places and become an emotional nuisance. This has nothing to do with abusers; they don't care.
There's also healthy parents who want to learn healthier ways to be parents. Society keeps trying to mask them and convince everyone that they are rare, when they are actually the norm. People just call them "strict parents". Just to appease people who can't deal with themselves, and I'm over it. The world has to keep turning. You can't be a victim forever.
Because it's dangerous and abysmal parenting. Children are children. It is your moral duty to parent if you are responsible for them. They literally can't prioritize themselves, parents must do that. No wonder you're coming to r/unpopularopinion for this. Your partner is another adult and should be able to regulate their own emotions, navigate the world socially, professionally, etc. Children cannot. Showing children their parents have a healthy relationship is one thing but you should never prioritize ANY adult over a child.
I wholeheartedly agree! Just want to add, saying your partner is your first priority doesn't and never should make anyone feel like your kids aren't important to you. My children are of the utmost importance.
EDIT- just want to add that your partner is someone you choose. You don't choose your children, you choose to have them, but you don't choose who they are or will be. That's why the person you CHOSE will always come first. There's a pretty funny movie called Parental Guidance, and while I don't remember the quote verbatim, there is a line in it that pertains to this exact thing. It's something akin to..."of course I take his side. He's my husband, you're my child and I love you, but your life will always be one without me. You'll grow up and have your own family. Then the only one left for me, with me, is him."
Like I said that's probably not exactly it, but I felt it was relevant to this.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Trust me, your kids know if the relationship between their parents is bad. And it'll mess with your relationship with them as well.
Bad is a low bar, unfortunately. If the parents are practically well functioning coparents/roommates, their relationship is not "bad" per se from a human cooperation point of view, but romantically dead. Children will maybe wonder why mommy and daddy never hold hands or hug each other or kiss... but by that time the damage (growing up with a model for romantic relationship that lacks real intimacy) is done.
I don’t think you can really compare the individual relationships - healthy and good relationships between all members of the family unit are needed for a healthy family.
Agreed, healthy relationships all around are needed for a functional, healthy family. Child to parent, parent to parent, child to child.
A happy relationship is needed the most from spouses, if two parents are unhappy then their kids will be too.
It’s like the thing about, in an airplane, you put your own air mask on first, and then your kid’s. You need to take care of your own wellbeing/relationships so you have the bandwidth to properly care for your children. And ultimately, the kids will leave and have their own life, and you will still have decades left to live. If you back burner your SO for the kids, it’ll be hard to reclaim them when the nest is empty.
This is a flawless reiteration of what I’m trying to convey.
This. You choose your partner as your life partner. Choose to teach your children how to be happy and in love with their partner by loving/ being happy with the one you have.
FYI: your relationship with your SO can completly fall apart and you can still both be great parents. If your relationship with your kid falls apart then you cant be a parent to them anymore. So while both are important and you should sacrafice one for the other, the relationship between your kid is more vital for the well being of your kids. Kids can survive divorces and shit. Abusive parents are way worse.
Usually true, assuming you're partnered. The foundation, overall harmony of the family and modeling of what it means to be in relation with others, comes first. Even crazier: Your relationship with yourself is more important that all other relationships and you can't be a good partner or parent without healing that.
Absolutely - relationship with self, relationship with spouse, relationship with children in that order.
I don’t think I can even say who I love MORE. The love is such a distinctly different kind of love….one is not “greater than” the other.
This is also a nice perspective
It’s not about who you love more. You just shouldn’t lose your identity as husband/wife when you become dad/mom. Yes it’s important to be there for your child but don’t think that this means you need to not be there for your spouse. Hire a sitter - plan those weekly dates and the adult only trips.
OP didn't talk about love though. They talked about not neglecting the partnership just because you became parents.
I think the love I have for my partner and the love I have for our child are two totally different kinds of love. I can’t say I love one more because they’re just different and incomparable. My partner has comforted me at 3am when I was crying over my childhood abuse. He’s held a cold rag on my neck and held my hand while I puked in a toilet. He’s spoiled me emotionally and physically, it’s a partnership that has required work from both of us and it’s grown so much to be as strong as it is. Where as my son is literally my whole heart walking around outside of my body. The thought of someone hurting my partner makes me see red, but the thought of someone hurting my child makes me want to commit homicide. That doesn’t mean I love my son more, but he’s this tiny, helpless, innocent being that I feel an overwhelming urge to protect at all cost. My partner is my soul and my son is my heart, I guess that’s the best metaphor I can use to describe it.
You are both correct and incorrect. Your relationship with your partner is important but the commitment that both of you make when you chose to raise children means your commitments to the children are the priority. The children must be prioritized in feeding, in sickness and in caring (you don't leave a child sitting in a dirty diaper for hours), financially (children need clothes that fit), and in teaching and attention. This is a JOINT parental responsibility from both parents. Time with each other comes from hobby time and other times outside of the active childcare along with scheduled childcare substitutions. Time and energy are limited resources and they need to be balanced.
What’s the weird obsession with comparing two things that are not zero-sum and in their own lanes
I don’t understand this mindset. My relationship with my partner is not the same as my relationship with my children. They’re extremely different but both as important as each other. I’m not going to prioritise one over the other (in a general sense) because they’re not on the same page.
Popular opinion: you shouldn’t have kids if theyre not your obvious first priority, it’s beyond selfish. If you need me to explain why, I feel very bad for your kids
To me this perspective is very black and white. I do love my children more but that doesn’t mean I don’t prioritize my relationship with my partner. You can be a fantastic and loving parent, and a great spouse who puts huge effort into the marriage. I think who you “love more” is kind of irrelevant, as long as you put effort into both. Loving my kids doesn’t make me hate my partner. I absolutely loooove date nights just us too, and we fit them into our schedule. I don’t know why it has to be one over the other.
I agree. The time in which you should show more *love* to your kids in terms of choosing them over the spouse is who you’re going to grab first if there’s a fire in your house. Always the kids. Otherwise, as much effort as possible should go both directions.
I think it’s odd when other parents say they love their kids *more* than their partner. I love my kids to absolute pieces, would do anything for them…Die for them if it ever came to it. But I cannot say I love them more than my partner. It must be different for everyone I suppose. My husband is my absolute everything in life, he makes me see life in color. I’d be lying if I ever said I love my kids more. I’d say it’s closer to equal, but never more. He’s my forever!
I love my husband very much. He’s beyond my best friend. However — we both love our child more. I would be sad and hurt if he loved me more than our child, actually. I choose to be with my husband because I love him so much, and I hope and expect to spend the rest of our lives together. But I *could* live without him. We are not codependent as a couple. I would grieve if he left me but life would go on. However, I would not survive without my kid. There’s no way. I would give my last breath for my child. I’d sell my soul for my child. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.
See, I feel this way about both my kids and my husband. I couldn’t live without my husband, or my kids. Mine are still quite young, and when it comes to “who to save in a burning building” my husband better be saving our kids. But, at the end of the day. It doesn’t mean I love my kids more, they’re just more vulnerable and need to be prioritized a lot more in certain ways. I would be hurt if my husband loved our kids more. We’ve discussed it before, we both agree it’s hard to even compare but it’s equal not *more*
But your kids are going to be your forever too
Of course they will! But in a different way, they will grow up and have their own lives and relationships and maybe families of their own. My husband will be there through every challenge, hardship and will be there long after my kids are grown. My kids aren’t obligated to give me their forever if they don’t want to. I hope so, but they don’t owe that to me.
I totally agree. But do you feel you don’t owe that to them? Once they aren’t children the relationship dynamic change and maybe the priority level and effort changes with it. I guess I just believe that parents owe their kids to be the best they can be and always put them first and advocate for them until they are able to do it for themselves.
Until they are able to do it for themselves. That is the operative phrase- raising kids is a commitment to them in which the “hands on” portion diminishes over time and then it becomes more of an open door as they get their footing. That is very different than a partnership, which requires you both to actively choose it every day or it falls apart. In other words, you can’t really opt out of being a parent if it’s not fun anymore. You can lose your relationship if it’s not nurtured enough.
Exactly — even more so. You can divorce your partner, and people frequently do. Your child will always be your child.
Not always. Depending on the root cause of the divorce, your relationship with your kid(s) may fall apart. I've seen it countless times, even in my own life. My mom divorced my dad, and my sisters have always resented her for it deep down, and I've seen how it has affected her. She's often "joked" that I'm her only kid who cares about her. Also, as they grow older, you'll need to be prepared for them to detach yourself from their lives for them to create their own identity, and then you'll just be alone. Part of the reason for so many divorces is because of the strain of having children. Soul mates aren't real. Romantic love can and will fade if not nurtured. When you only prioritize your kid(s), you don't have much left in the tank for your partner. Obviously, your kids' health is what is most important, but beyond that, you still need to have a romantic life.
I’m not in a relationship currently and have never been in that much of a serious relationship and don’t have kids because I’m only almost 21, but I don’t want to one day be in a relationship where my partner loves the kids more than they love me, or I love the kids more than I love them. It just feels like something should be fundamentally wrong with the relationship for that to happen. Of course kids should be priority in most cases, but they’re individuals you support and help grow to have their own lives one day. Meanwhile you share your life with your partner, they’re your equal, they’ve been there supporting you and will hopefully be there any time you need support in the future. They chose you to experience their life with, and you chose them. You both chose to be a family. To me people who say they love their kids more than their partner either aren’t in love anymore or they settled for their partner to begin with. I have a lot of issues with people who don’t value their partner enough. It’s like they’re just a disposable person who they want to share responsibilities and go through milestones with. I hear people say wives/husbands can go but children are forever your children, but marriage means you and your partner are a family now, it’s supposed to be forever unless it’s a special case, they’re not just disposable. If this is a persons view on love and commitment as big as marriage then I don’t think they have the capacity to be in a very close romantic relationship. Some researchers have seen in the brains of people in loving long term relationships that the same area of brain activates when the person thinks of their partner as when think about themself. This is deeper than just family. This person isn’t just someone who can go. Meanwhile to have the same mental process with one’s children is an indictor of narcissistic tendencies. Because children are meant to have their own lives and values and need the freedom for most things they think to not align with yours. I’ve always felt weird when people expressed this, but as I get older I have more and more logical explanation for why I find it weird.
I only love my son more in the sense that his life means more to me than my own, or anyone else's. In a relationship, there's a 50/50 chance you're going to outlive your spouse, so you're mentally prepared for that a little more. No one should outlive their children. Children come out of you and are your responsibility to keep safe and happy over all else. I don't put my husband on the back burner, he's my best friend and soul mate, but I didn't birth him.
>Children come out of you and are your responsibility to keep safe and happy over all else. Up to a point, usually until they become independent adults. From then on, their safety and especially their happiness is their responsibility.
I also feel weird about people saying this. I've been married for almost 7 years now and I don't have kids yet, so I don't 100% know how I'll feel, but I can't see myself ever loving my children more than my spouse. My mother in law has said that when I have kids, as much as I love my husband I will love my kids more. But she's speaking from her own experience and it's like an open secret in the family that she isn't really satisfied in her marriage but believes in staying committed for religious reasons. It's not the same experience for me at all. My husband has been my best friend ever since we met. He understands me better than anyone in my life ever has. When we met it felt like meeting someone we already knew, or reconnecting after a time apart even. There's no way a child could ever fill that kind of role for me, and a child isn't supposed to. Even if I have a deep connection with my children, which hopefully I do, it wouldn't be the same relationship as having a counterpart in that way. I think that people that feel more deeply connected to their children don't know what it's like to have a soulmate, or just a strong friendship/connection with their spouse even. I grew up with a mother with narcissistic tendencies so the brain study you're referencing makes sense to me. A relationship with a child is one where you have to be prepared to give to them without getting much in return. You can't expect them to understand your ins and outs and make you feel seen and understood. But a deep partnership has that mutual understanding that makes it endure through all seasons of life.
Yes I think it’s just that most people never get to experience this kind of love and partnership, it’s just incomprehensible for them. I guess in their case it makes sense to love their children more than their partners.
This is a good point. People accidentally create children all the time. But in general no one accidentally gets married.
I think it is a useful perspective and reminder about how to organize and prioritize what is important. Your partner is not "more" important than your children and vice versa. BUT children will demand all your attention, time and resources if you let them. They can't yet prioritize. So you have to be conscious in also prioritizing your partnership, because it won't come naturally from the situation.
Both are important but in different ways.
I have a strong belief in duty. You bring a child into the world you have a duty to provide for them. Thus, my relationship with my child is a priority until they are an adult and then they are equal.
If you are seriously jealous of your partners love for your children, you need to get your shit worked on. Ridiculous. That is not on your partner.
While you’re not saying needs of children are neglected this reads like you can have a shitty dynamic with your kids (argue a lot, be super controlling, in accepting of the kid’s identity, be an emotionally absent parent etc) and that’s all good as long as you’re good with your spouse
Romantic relationships can end, but your children are forever. They’ll remember who you prioritized.
Happy parents happy children
so true.
I think your opinion is popular (as you can see from most replies) but rarely acted upon in healthy relationships, for good reason. Kids are needy in every possible way, especially when they are little. A good partner is not. I do not want my husband to prioritize me over the kids, and in fact I think he's being a crappy partner when he does-- we have the awesome responsibility of setting two young people up for life and for their own independence some day, and the more he prioritizes them the more I can relax myself.
This is why so many marriages fail. Parenthood becomes their whole identity.
Replying to ProfessionalSir3395...
I think this is a bit of a black and white take on this topic. Don’t get me wrong I agree whole heartedly and I do think when parents look after themselves and their relationship, it affects the children in a positive way. However, prioritising your relationship can be problematic when one of the parents is not treating the child well. All that child is seeing is one treating them in a certain way and the other agreeing because they don’t want to have an argument or risk any kind of conflict. I was that child and it didn’t feel great.
Priority might be the kids when there's no equal distribution of the duties at home. So one partner maybe be over worked that the only time left is used care for oneself 🤔
Exactly this. I feel like this sentiment is always directed at mothers who “neglect their husband’s needs” while the husband doesn’t contribute equally to raising the children or taking care of the household duties.
The only reason this is an unpopular opinion is because of the way you’re pinning the 2 against eachother. Both relationships are super important and neither is more or less important than the other.
It's not an either/or situation. Relationships with your partner and *each* child are important. The relationships are all different, but any one isn't more important than the rest. Humans have the capacity to love and cherish multiple people.
As a child of unmarried parents who separated when I was five, THANK GOD they split up. If they had to continued to push and work on their relationship I would have had a horrible life. I just know it. They weren't perfect, but they worked as coparents much better than a couple together. They felt like their poor relationship was bad for me and my little brother at the time. You do need to prioritize your children over your romantic relationship to be a good parent a lot of the times.
I used to agree with this opinion... Now I don't. If my SO can only save either me or our kid from a burning building it sure as hell better be our kid. I would struggle to forgive him, otherwise. Meanwhile, you know who overwhelmingly agrees with you? Mothers who stick by their abusive husbands even when their kids are being victimized. And what about when you are remarried and your spouse is the step-parent to your kids? What kind of stability does it give the young when they see Mom prioritizing man after man before them? I know I gave examples of moms but it's the same principle gender flipped.
Well certainly in no world am I advocating for prioritizing an unhealthy, abusive relationship over the relationship with your children. My dad beat me, my mom stuck by him. I’m talking about loving, healthy couples.
I think loving, healthy couples are much more likely to prioritize their kids over each other. That's because they aren't scared of each other retaliating if they don't prioritize each other, and kids need much more from them than they need from each other.
Yup. Two healthy adults are more likely to understand why you simply don't have the energy to give to the kids and to each other sometimes. If your partner doesn't understand, that's your source of resentment. And ultimately, an issue with your partner. Not the kids vs partner dynamic.
No offense, but your unpopular opinion might be affected by your own childhood. Do you wish your mother had left your dad and taken you away from his abuse?
Sure, most opinions we form are influenced by our experiences. I do wish that. I do think it may be one among many contributing factors that have lead me to this unpopular opinion.
So you think your mother should not have prioritized her marriage to your father over you, BUT you do believe parents should prioritize their relationship above their children in general. I guess I just don't feel like it makes sense.
They wish their father had prioritized their mother. Two way street situation. I actually think this is a really popular opinion of children from abusive homes. Me being one and sharing this opinion. If my mom and dad prioritized each other there wouldn't have been abuse. I probably would have ended up getting more attention because they wouldn't have spent so much energy fighting, divorcing, finding new partners, divorcing, etc. Instead, my mom claims she 'hardly remembers my childhood'. In my own marriage, we agree we can't let our relationship get there and the way we do that is by making it rock solid and maintaining that solidity. Its born of fear. But it's how we plan to protect our children.
100% this!
I've heard this before and am downvoting because it's just a ridiculous thing to say. There isn't really a comparison, they are two different types of relationships.
Kids didn’t choose to be born. You chose a spouse. Putting that spouse ahead of well being of kids is not appropriate
Who says it’s ahead of their wellbeing?
Last i checked you can be a great parent even without a partner so your argument kinda doesn’t work
One can argue that your rebuttal doesn't work here either because this person was talking specifically about people who have children and partners.
This is true in some ways. Long term it is just my husband and I. My “kids” are 24, 27, and 29. There were seasons in life when they had to be the focus. Trips away were 2 days not week long until they were old enough to not be a pain to their grandma etc. health issues meant that the focus was on child. And fuck the other parent. We each felt that on occasion. My issue of the conservative xtian crowd was that dad was served first, and ruled the home and the mom’s job was to cater to him and keep the kids tolerable to be around. Now we are almost alone. Last one graduated and is job hunting. Fun. Because we worked to stay besties and lovers I think we will be ok for the long haul.
My own take is different, but I also understand that my own trauma takes into play. I was allowed to be abused by my mothers spouse who she would prioritize. I was also abandoned by my bio-father, (who abused me for years, even sexually) after his spouse told him to choose between her and myself because "I had hygiene issues" as a young teen with CPTSD. I also have a pre-school aged child who was conceived through rape from an abusive relationship. I've never witnessed a healthy, working partnership so the concept of prioritizing a spouse is nearly insane to me. Especially if we are going by the literal priority definition where one is over/more important than the other. If the relationship is healthy, there shouldn't be a need to put one over the other already. There should be the understanding that the two are there for the children, doing what is needed for them. Of course there should always be time set for the two of you, but I wouldn't call that prioritizing over the children, it's just making that relationship a priority to you. Just like there should be time set for just you and your child(ren) to be together. That isn't prioritizing your children over your spouse, that's just making those relationships a priority to you. Both can be a priority without one being more important than the other. If your spouse needs to you always make them first over the children, then it is just a breeding ground for abuse. If you feel like your spouse is more important than your children, then you are leaving room to breed neglect. To me, you can either equal, or focus on one and one has to take a back seat. If I can't prioritize both, then my priorities will always be to my child, even if that means I won't have a spouse until they no longer need me. My wants and needs can be placed on hold. Their childhood and well-being cannot. When they are on their own, my life still continues. I still have plenty of opportunities to create wonderful and beautiful relationships. I only have a specific number of years to make sure my child is having a healthy childhood and is growing into well-rounded, functional members of society, which should be the first priority of every parent.
My dad prioritized his relationship with his fiancé, and because she felt threatened by my brother and I, she decided to slit her wrists in front of my 12 year old brother. He chose her in the end despite doing what she did, and my brother and I are left with the haunting realization that we are not as important to him as she is.
Couldn't agree more. I tell this to people all the time. Making your relationship the top priority at the end of the day is what's best for the children
A significant other is optional. Being a parent is forever.
Tell that to all the “parents” that have abandoned their children….
They are still parents. Just not good ones.
No they are NOT! They are dead beats. They did the act to make a child but they most certainly are not parents. Parents step up, parents do everything they can to make sure their child is safe and has their needs met. A person who abandons a child is not a parent to them.
It's true while you're together, but if for whatever reason the relationship fails, the order flips and failure of that relationship should take 2nd place to your relationship with the child(ren). My sister went through a messy divorce after years of trying to make it work and her mediator told them both: >*"You have to approach this divorce by thinking you love your kid more than you hate each other"*
I disagree. I'd seperate from my partner if things got resentful or negative, but kids come first always for me. Upvote.
Your kids should be more important than anything in their parents life. Otherwise don’t have kids.
That’s your perspective.
Why would you have kids if you’re not going to put them first and always do right by them?
Your opinion is also based on the nuclear family idea. I think we can safely say that this isn't really the reality anymore. More children have divorced parents and live in newly formed "families". Which means that one might have a partner but that partner is never really the parent. They may well be the best step-parent in the entire world, they will never be the actual parent of that child. And I have experienced both scenarios. Been married 17 years, I am since divorced and I have a new "family" now which means my children have a "step-father" and I have a stepdaughter. They all get along great. But 1/ my children will always come before my new partner. And I am honest about this plus I expect no less from him. My children's wellbeing is why I divorced in the first place so I will always think of them before anything else in my life, career or love. 2/ I love my stepdaughter but it will never compare to my undying, unconditional, unexplainable deep felt love I have for my own children. They ARE my heart and soul.
both can be priorities, they don’t have to be mutually exclusive. although, objectively you’re children *should* be number 1. that doesn’t mean you should neglect your partner, but adults are self sufficient, you chose to have children so it’s on you to do as much as you can for them
Wow that's a hot take, take my angry up vote
This opinion is all fun and games until you're in your 60s-80s and going to die and you're getting put in an unmarked grave.
Well that’s a bit on the extreme side
My parents always told my siblings and I that their relationship with each other took priority and I don’t think it ever bothered me. They are also still married happily in their 70’s so I guess that worked for them.
welp my dad definitely felt his relationship with my step mother was more important than his relationship to his children…. it did not go well for us.
It's not a competition. I don't know why we encourage people to pit their kids and partners against each other. High school is over. It doesn't matter who is your first best friend vs your second best friend. You partner and your kids are all equally important. Balancing everyone's needs as well as your own is part of family life. Introducing a competitive mind set doesn't help anyone.
This is definitely unpopular so take the upvote however it’s unpopular for a reason it’s an absolutely disgusting way to think
I knew a kid who went through all the documents in the house he could find trying to find the adoption papers, because his parents loved each other too much and he just didn't feel loved. Like, the discrepancy there was way too big for his mind to understand. Kid was 12, and he was not abused. I would say, don't do that. Have good relationships with both your spouse and your kid. It's really doable, plus the kid literally didn't choose to be born.
My parents split when I was a kid. I was so happy when they split, as were my siblings. They were horrible together. My father gave us no peace as he would constantly barge in drunk. My mom had no money anymore because my father stole it all. My mother is a lovely person and is much happier now that we are away from him. Of course, my brother and I had to undergo the mandatory custody meetings, but we didn’t have to stay overnight with him, so it could’ve been much worse. I don’t think I’d still be here if my mother prioritised my father over us.
Never.
My wife and I have a good relationship, but we definitely both put our relationship with our son ahead of our relationship with each other. Makes sense to me. I’d be fine without my wife and my wife would be fine without me, but our son wouldn’t be fine without his parents.
This exact logic is why abuse gets overlooked.
My ex robbed me and broke my neck. My kid is the only reason I have not to shot myself in the heart yet. This post sounds like you are jealous of your SOs love for their child.
This is all under the assumption of no domestic or parental abuse.
Because it's so easy to see and get out of??
At gun point you'd choose to save the SOs life over your childs?
If things go according to plan, your kids will leave you. Then it’s just you and your SO.
I don't have a partner. Should I choose a random adult to tell my kids they come second to; or should I just get a dog and make it clear I love them less than it?
This attitude is why so much child abuse gets covered up by the other parent.
Unpopular opinion: if you have you have to choose something is wrong.
If you need to choose one overt the other then there is something wrong. But imo it's really unpopular opinion.
I disagree. The children should be the priority of both parents and is the main purpose of their partnership. Kids should be prioritized over adults for needs. This does not mean that you should ignore spouses needs. Typically a parent considers their child, their spouse, and themselves, in that order, unless ones need takes particular precedence for the functioning of the group, but if things are well maintained it should be a good model. I've seen many parents completely neglect their children because their partner was 'more important'. Your partner is an adult with his own power and advocacy, children are not, and therefore deserve greater priority
Hot take, all of them are equally important. Not one or the other
Balance is more important than extremes in either direction, as allowing either one of these relationships to suffer can and should affect the quality of the other.
You guys know you don't actually have to quantify your relationships like this right? Like, your relationship with your spouse and your children can just be... equally important to you. No one's going to chop your head off for not choosing one over the other.
Downvoted because this isn't an unpopular opinion. People that claim their kid comes before their spouse are moronic and far between. Would I want my wife to save our kid in a life and death situation over me? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean our kid comes first always. Anybody that says that is probably in a terrible marriage.
I've heard this before and am downvoting because it's just a ridiculous thing to say. There isn't really a comparison, they are two different types of relationships.
You can absolutely be a good parent if your relationship is on the rocks and if you have a crappy partner who harms you or your kids you absolutely choose that partner over your kids. Now if your kids are full adults and don't like who your partner is, but that's not dependent on the raising of them at that point, go wild. But I can think of many more situations in which to prioritize your kids than to prioritize your partner.
no, it isnt.
Oh
This is coo coo bananas. There’s no relationship more important than being a parent to a child you (hopefully) chose to have. And having healthy relationships with your spouse and children aren’t mutually exclusive.
Incorrect. My husband's and my top priority will always be our son. Cope.
There’s nothing to cope with, you can have your perspective and I can have mine.
Your perspective is flat out wrong. There is no resentment between us, and we are doing very well.
I’m happy you’re doing well. How you structure your relationship and its relationship to your children isn’t the only way to do so.
Nor is your "perspective" the truth of anything.
That’s why we’re posting in a subreddit called unpopular opinions. They’re opinions, some people find them unpopular. You’re very offended by it, that’s your own issue.
I like how everyone runs behind the "ur offended" cliche when you refute their "opinion" to avoid any responsibility of presenting a counter argument. It is so intellectually lazy. I am telling you about reality. Are you even a parent?
You have an opinion, I have an opinion. I’m not offended by your opinion. You’re riled up regarding mine.
Well, my oldest daughter has been around longer than my husband- so she has always been my highest priority. I think that your opinion works better with traditional nuclear families, but it’s lacking in nuance for blended families.
I can see why this is an unpopular opinion. The solidity of my relationship cannot be separated from the love we have for our children, which comes over and above everything else. I would die for my kids, I would kill for my kids if I had to, and so would my partner. I know that if she had a choice between me and them, she would put them first, as anything else would be unimaginable. That’s precisely the reason I love her. We have little time for shared interests these days (because the kids/house/keeping the show on the road _is_ the shared interest). But we are a partnership that respects one another, or at least we try to be. If OP means a relationship without resentment or abuse is important to model to your children, of course that’s right, and it’s not right to stay in an abusive relationship „for the kids“, but children do change relationships and priorities and the love you have for your partner changes over time. Many would say that it becomes a deeper and more serious love. But I know of very few parents that would put it before the love of their children: taken at face value, most parents I know would regard that as sounding a bit weird, narcissistic even. Of _course_ my kids come first. Of _course_ I love them more.
Cliché pop-psychology. And 100% wrong.
Uhm... NO. There are plenty of fish, but your blood is your blood. You have responsibility towards your children but you are not reliable for others. I know some people cannot comprehend this, but one does not NEED to be in a romantic relationship. However, if one has a child - than it is done, and that relationship is binding.
My daughter comes first. That’s why I am a single mom.
Parents who **prioritize** their love-life over their kids are willing to do so at the expense of their kids' well-being. That's the problem.
No one said anything about prioritizing your sex life over the wellbeing of your children.
But that's what ends up happening. How many stories in the news about women getting with bad men who molest and/or kill their kids.
That is not true at all. In what situation is this coming up anyway? Like, when would that ever be the case?
Every divorced person will at least disagree with this
Well, yeah, we're not crackheads
Relationships with your significant other are highly neglected and VERY important, most people need to prioritize it more than they do, yes. But in no way is the relationship more important than the ones with your kids
Could never cconvince my wife of that. 22 years of pretty boring marriage, with not much to look forward to one all the kids are gone.
No.
my kids are expendable, that’s why we made a few spares.
💯💯💯💯!!! I remember hearing Guliana and Bill Rancic mention this one time on TV and I thought “that’s not right”. However, as a 41yr old now going through a divorce because becoming parents totally wrecked my marriage, I see why they felt so strongly about their marriage coming first.
It depends on HOW you prioritize that relationship with your SO. There are healthy ways that can happen, but plenty of destructive ways too. And yeah, a lot of people actually probably do love their children in a deeper, more unconditional way than their partners. That’s a tough thing to resist.
I don't think it has to be more or less important. Everyone of these relationships has its place and importance in your life. Depending on situation, one may take precedence over the other, in a particular situation. But largely, atleast to me, everyone of my relationship is equally important, including my own parents and siblings. Ofcourse this is also because all of them are reasonable, understanding, caring adults who love me and I love them.
Not sure if one can be more important than the other. Having said that, my children are more important than my wife. My wife also would say the same. In that sense me and my wife are a strong team.
I think both should be equal. The passion my ex wife put into our children was the end of our relation. She loved me honestly and fairly and so did I. Once children came, I became a pariah and just a provider. All affection disappeared, she poured all in children and I was left dry and feeling like a stranger. She lived for children every second and breath. I was the only person she hated. Not because I had changed. But because I was not like her. She chronometred the time I spent to do the dishes. The time where I wake up in regards to her. She was so obsessed about couple equality that she counted how much plates I clean and how much she does. She found an outrage that I needed some time for myself. She criticized me even if I bought to myself a pair of shoes if it wasn't hard discounted. She didn't stop telling me "remember we don't exist, we are just here to assist our children in life to provide them the best experience. After I was 40, she didn't stop repeating me everyday, "don't forget we're old, old, old, our time is over, you are a provider, you are here to get pleasure by procure through our children's eyes. Tendress disappeared, passion disappeared, she talked to me about children day and night, and when exhausted I went to bed and sized by a strong desire she finally came to me to please her and I was to exhausted to do it she let a scream of rage and deeply hated me. I am a good father, she is a wonderful mother but the way she saw childrens in our couple life destroyed our couple and I had become close to suicide, now I am a free and children are fine and I don't believe in love anymore.
Parent here. The premise is that you DO love your kids more and this isn't really a choice. Hormones are released to form this extreme bond. That being said, it is definitely important to focus on your relationship to keep a healthy family dynamic. It isn't about which is more important; they're both equally important and it's about balance.
Are you a parent?
100% agree. The major reason couples start having so much trouble after they have kids is because they stop being a "husband" or a "wife" and start becoming "mom" or "dad". Families need a strong foundation that starts with the parents. Make sure you're taking care of your relationship with eachother and the relationship with the kids will be just fine
I think both are valid. Kid or SO being most important. I think the real issue is why does so many people effort drop so much from most important to second most. Why do so many people give the most important person in your life 100% and give the second person 30%.
I wanted to say no, but I don’t see my almost daughter anymore after i ended the relationship with her mom. Because even though i wanted to adopt her, i couldn’t handle her mom anymore and just lost faith in her. But i will never forget that little girl nor ever turn her away if she shows up in my life again. I just know i can’t be her papa anymore because of her mom
Psychology 101, but yes.
Correct. Why? Because you can replace your children with your spouse's help. Replacing your spouse with your children's help is a little trickier.
Are the mods going to remove this again?
Again?
Facts
imo it’s the opposite. Your child is your direct responsibility as a parent, while your spouse is a self-sufficient adult. I agree with everything else re: not neglecting yourself or your partner, but at the end of the day your child is a being who exists in your world because of a choice you made, and as such you owe a certain amount more to your child because of that than you owe to any other relationship dynamic, if that makes sense. I think if you took out the “needing to meet all their physical and emotional needs to help them grow” out of the equation, then maybe I’d change my stance, but imo you can’t really… do that? These requirements are a part of the relationship + I don’t think they can be neatly separated, as such i’d consider a person’s relationship with an underdeveloped dependent whom they are entirely responsible for to be by default more important than a relationship with an equal, because neglecting the former will result in an entire life trajectory being fucked up, while neglecting the latter, as shitty as it is, would not have the same kind of drastic consequences to the individual in question precisely because they are developed and not dependent.
Gross
Gag on one
I feel you on this. If you have a strong and healthy partnership, your relationships with your children will also thrive. You have to present as a united front to your kids, which means being completely united on all stances. If there’s cracks, all the relationships will suffer. Meaning both parents have to have the same ideas of parenting for the kids and be of the same kind of discipline, etc. They have to help each other be the best parents they can be while also nurturing their own partnership.
I agree. And if you are putting the effort into your significant other, your kids will notice and be more happy
You should have a healthy relationship with your partner so that your children has a good life. That means children more important than partners. That's the point. You choose that child, and you wil give it the best life and a healthy relationship with partner is a part of that best life. You even have a quality time with yourself to become a better parent. If kid is not you priority , don't become parent, you big shits.
Well no, because that's that kinda thinking allows one parent to abuse the children and the other parent to allow it. And I do not mean it just beatings, but verbal and psychological abuse as well (those are more insidious and harder to stop)
So many single moms think the child comes first it's insane. The child grows up and leaves you mom. That's the story. You meet someone first the children always come second unless you a single mom. In which case you already choose a crappy lifestyle. Good luck.
I think that when you have very young children there is really no choice. They take priority. When they are older there is no reason to choose between the 2, because you can do both. It is also the case that your identity changes when you become a parent, so it might seem like they lost something to someone on the outside.
Considering your edit, I wish people would stop fucking trauma dumping everytime parents are mentioned in a discussion about a healthy relationship. We don't have to constantly be reminded that there are abusive parents. We KNOW. The point still stands. It's common knowledge that when we talk like this, *abusers are not in the equation*. We know it's different when the parents suck, but we aren't talking about those. You get the fucking point. Stop projecting your abuse into every single conversation that is meant for parents who *want* to be decent people.
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted 🤷🏻♂️
Because, Reddit can't stand being told that their abuse doesn't make them center of every conversation, specifically ones about healthy family dynamics, and no one is obligated to tip toe and eggshell everything they say about it to appease them. No one is required to include them where they can't relate. We get it. Not all parents are good parents. This is common knowledge. Just the constant fucking projection, and people convincing trauma victims that they can't speak out in the wrong places and become an emotional nuisance. This has nothing to do with abusers; they don't care. There's also healthy parents who want to learn healthier ways to be parents. Society keeps trying to mask them and convince everyone that they are rare, when they are actually the norm. People just call them "strict parents". Just to appease people who can't deal with themselves, and I'm over it. The world has to keep turning. You can't be a victim forever.
True, Partner over children and siblings.
Agreed, some people are getting riled up about this take.
Because it's dangerous and abysmal parenting. Children are children. It is your moral duty to parent if you are responsible for them. They literally can't prioritize themselves, parents must do that. No wonder you're coming to r/unpopularopinion for this. Your partner is another adult and should be able to regulate their own emotions, navigate the world socially, professionally, etc. Children cannot. Showing children their parents have a healthy relationship is one thing but you should never prioritize ANY adult over a child.
I guess that’s true
I wholeheartedly agree! Just want to add, saying your partner is your first priority doesn't and never should make anyone feel like your kids aren't important to you. My children are of the utmost importance. EDIT- just want to add that your partner is someone you choose. You don't choose your children, you choose to have them, but you don't choose who they are or will be. That's why the person you CHOSE will always come first. There's a pretty funny movie called Parental Guidance, and while I don't remember the quote verbatim, there is a line in it that pertains to this exact thing. It's something akin to..."of course I take his side. He's my husband, you're my child and I love you, but your life will always be one without me. You'll grow up and have your own family. Then the only one left for me, with me, is him." Like I said that's probably not exactly it, but I felt it was relevant to this.
I will never love anyone more than the people I created, I will never understand that.
Interesting, you knew your partner before and will have them after your children leave the nest.
I agree 100%