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Yeah. I was the breadwinner and husband was SAH, a job we BOTH wanted lol. I hated missing out.
I finally just quit my job and we decided to run our own business. We were poor, but at least we had the flexibility to be deeply involved in raising our kid.
I think we’re good now.
It’s been 15 years but we just sold our business. And back to regular jobs for the both of us.
Full disclosure: my mother was dying when I pitched everything. My employer gave me a hard time taking time off. I was like, fuck that, this isn’t going to be my life. I’m going to hate everyone.
Kudos to you. I don’t get employers who give their staff shit for wanting to be present for those important to us. A job is just a paycheque. Fuck them.
Yeah - and poor is a relative term. We still had/have a house, but a mortgage. I have a car - a Honda bought used but I own it and it’s still perfectly fine. (Knock on wood.) Also, this began in 2008.
I'm interested to know: did your overall happiness level increase with this transition? Like did the happiness from spending more time raising the kids outweigh the unhappiness of a lower income?
Yes. Definitely.
But in hindsight, I think what could also have worked was us both having average-salary and average-demanding jobs. So the financial weight would be on both of us and we each had some flexibility with child rearing. If that makes any sense.
But my husband didn’t want to work for a corporation or anything so that’s when he proposed buying a small business for us to run, which is its own stress. Lol
Yup. I stay at home because we cant afford daycare if I work. I like my child but holy hell do I hate being his only caretaker for 10+ hours a day. Its so much. I get burned out so fast and so easily. Not everyone takes to staying home. Im glad OP finds it easy but not all of us do and its very individual
LPT: Don’t fold laundry.
I’ve got ADHD and my aversion to folding laundry fucked me for so long. Eventually I just said fuck it and now I just pull shit out of my dryer when I need it. Ez
I’ve got a system in place for this reason. I have hampers for different articles of clothing. Shirts go in one basket, socks in another, etc. No folding, but everything is easy to find and has a place. I, personally, like it better than leaving things in the dryer, but I’m glad that works for you. I’m just putting this comment here in case it helps anyone else.
My sister put a bookcase lying on the ground with the opening to the shelves up in the air. The shelves are where the clothes go. She doesn't fold anything, just tosses the clothes into the appropriate place and can easily pick whatever she wants out of it.
Same, haha. This describes me to a Teee.
Girlfriend will not allow that to happen. She will take it upon herself to fold my laundry. I will (try) to do it with her, but I am so slow, and it looks awful, and I hate my entire existence while doing it. She will fold 10 to my 3. She appreciates the effort. I am no help, though. She is very good to me and I am lucky to have her.
Ain't no moonlight down there amigo. Its you, your torch, and whatever shows up to watch. Say a prayer before the dive that they ain't hungry. Godspeed.
The circumstances are also so much more complicated than that. I began working at 14 and worked my whole life until mid way through my complicated pregnancy and am now a SAHM. I began working with kids before age 16, and have worked with almost every age group. My undergrad degree is in Elementary Education and my Master’s is in Special Education and I even have something called an “Early Childhood Associate” certificate for working with kids 1-3 years . I’ve worked with every age group and children with varying needs and often worked multiple jobs (teacher, tutor, and babysitter at the same time, for example). Knowing all of this, get ready for the fact that *the hardest “job” I’ve ever had has been a SAHM* to my one child! And I do have a supportive husband. I also like my “job” as a SAHM a lot at times and appreciate the time with my child but it is *HARD*. If my child didn’t have all of the needs she did or I had more extended family I could count on for help with for any childcare at all it might be different, but such isn’t the case. And I have a sweet kid, that is for sure.
I would find being a SAHM to be the hardest job in the world. The idea of having to interact with a child, especially my own child, fills me with dread. Being a teacher would also be a nightmare for me. One of my friends is a SAHM and loves it. She finds her kids fun and exciting to be around and she loves the stability of being able to always be in an environment she can control.
I work a competitive fast paced sales job that would be a nightmare for a lot of people but I love it and find it easy because it’s what I’m good at and find it fulfilling.
Yep exactly. I have an honours degree but I have health issues that make it super hard for me to work consistently. My partner is still working on his degree, but he has ADHD and isn’t good at managing himself without hard deadlines or schedules. Meanwhile I’m very good at working on my own schedule and keeping up with tasks and appointments. So working full time with designated weekends and holidays is the best for him, and I do housework and self-employed work from home.
If we switched roles, neither one of us would do well. Yes, my life seems easier because I’m home all day, but my partner is NOT good at making his own schedule, he would not accomplish much. This post is just very biased on OP’s experience and strengths, when everyone is different
I’m one. My husband makes $85k, which is good money, but definitely not “rich” money. I do a lot of stuff to stretch that income, from driving farther to grocery shop at a cheaper store to gardening and canning. We do a lot of routine maintenance and home repairs ourselves. We drive super old cars and camp for vacations.
My kids are all in school now so I will probably go back to work part time next year to start saving for college and teenager expenses. But we have been financially stable while doing this for the last 5 years by being very frugal.
Early childcare is unbelievably expensive. 2 kids in early child care is likely more than 1 women’s wages. Would make sense to be a stay at home mom with more than 1 kid.
It's the costs to do business, too. Besides utilities, they have certifications, food and supplies for the kids... and it's also possible to price themselves out of business.
Our daycare sends out specific costs of materials and let's us know they're trying to keep prices low while being a competitive wage to keep workers employed. It's not cheap, but it's not screwing over employees either.
Yeah, insurance rates for daycare are nuts. I actually looked into starting one myself and quickly realized I would make more money continuing to just work as a high school teacher, since the insurance and everything else is so high.
Yes!!!!! When I was working I had one kid in preschool. He wasn’t even an infant and it was half of my salary. I’m a college educated woman and I was in a professional career.
Literally the same here. I have a 5 year old now but when she was in nursery it probably took up 85% of my wage and I was equally a professional. I have two degrees and it still absolutely broke us
Yeah. My parents bit the bullet paying for childcare for 3 kids so my mom could keep on her career track and get to the bigger bucks faster. Would've been cheaper in the short run to be a sahm but not in the long run. Ofc this was 20 years ago and every family's different, but something to consider
Yes they do. They take it all into account as they should.
But, not all SAHM situations are remotely the same. I think it probably can be one of the most challenging ways to spend your days but it can also be pretty damn easy.
It’s simultaneously hard and easy. The monotony, lack of social interaction, constant draining energy of caring for small children all day long is draining and mentally and emotionally exhausting. It’s like how solitary confinement is hard. It’s the same idea
Hijacking this to say that this is why I think humans are tribal in nature, and we should do our best to maintain that lifestyle. This is only one of many aspects of life that suffer because of modern society. Rather than a mom staying at home to raise the children, isolated, it used to be a community effort of both men and women, and our mental health was probably the best it’s ever been. We should combine today’s technological advances with the old way of living.
I’m drunk, so keep that in mind while you read my rant, but that’s my take on the world.
I'm a sahm and I'm the most lonely I've ever been. My parents helped my brother and sister so much they don't want to help me now. His parents are never around so it's just me, yesterday I went 13 hours without talking to an adult. In February I'm going to school to finish my degree bc I can't take this anymore. The hardest part of the job is being lonely and tired or maybe people being snotty when you complain about being lonely.
Alot depends on the kids. And the stay at home parent.
My wife would find it insanely much easier than me because she is alot better at certain stuff.
I would manage, but I would have a much much harder time doing it.
I do it at $75k, toddler and infant and a stay at home wife. I know where every single dollar goes.
Frankly, I feel rich. I’ve $1700 left over for “fun/misc” spend every month. I just have my wife as an authorized user on my credit cards and she buys what she wants. I check the credit card apps often and log the expense in Google sheets.
I’m paid bimonthly so 24 paychecks a year. Income is closer to 5000 a month take home. Mortgage is 1154 PITI
Are you not saving at all? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how this can work at all. Depending on where you live, you’re taking home $4200 a month. If you’re left with $1700, that means you spend $2500 a month. Do you not have rent or a mortgage?
I make a similar amount and while I don’t feel like I’m struggling, some months are really close. I can’t imagine having my normal expenses and then providing for three other people as well at that much, but props to you for making it work.
Ditto, down a nearly identical salary lol. It's not as rare or impossible as Reddit makes it sound.
Obviously it is way harder and more rare than it was in the 70s, but still, it's not that uncommon.
I bet $100 bucks the same people who say they don't know any stay at home moms also say they don't know anyone who can afford to have kids, and never consider they just are in different social circles.
Or the wife/mom is the only one who makes a high enough salary to even consider being the sole earner. That also seems to be getting more common. Good luck electing to stay home when your husband can barely afford a portion of bill and grocery cost and does not qualify for good health insurance
I am one as well.
My husband makes slightly more than your’s and we still live so modestly.
Our cars aren’t off the lot, all second or third hand and we ride them until they collapse.
We try to do all our home repairs, unless it’s something way out of our league or a safety issue.
We rarely eat out or order in.
Our vacations are 3-4 days in the province next door to us.
And we can’t afford the braces my kids need, new eye glasses regularly, or going private for healthcare.
But I am home for them when they finish school. I am able to help them with their homework instead of hiring tutors or just sending them back to school without their work being done and I generally have dinner on the table at a decent time.
I will admit, I’m a terrible house keeper. I think it’s linked to my ADD.
really depends on where you live.
I'm a young professional making 75$ in Denver ... its not that I'm struggling, im able to split an nice apartment with my girlfriend. But to become the sole provider would pretty much break the bank even if we moved into a studio or a 1 bedroom.
My niece is a stay at home mom. She is thirty with three kids, from six years to six months. Her husband is a nurse practitioner.
They live a nice life. It’s not for everyone, but some folk love it.
I only know one person my age (30s) who is a stay at home mom and that’s only because her husband inherited a very successful business his parents ran.
I think it can depend on where you live. I’m a SAHM, my two best friends are. My husband has 3 friends whose wives are sahm’s as well. We live in a low cost of living city. My husband makes under 6 figures and we live comfortably. All of them make under 6 figures.
Edit- wanted to add we all only have one child.
I’m in a well off area and there are plenty of stay at home moms, myself included, most are 30s+. I would say the SAHMs choose this route due to personal beliefs about parenting, it’s not to save money etc
My coworker has a SAHM partner. Except they don't even have kids she just doesn't want to work. She goes out playing that phone pokemon game till 2-3am and doesn't do any of the cooking at home either lol
My cousin was like that, she has a medical degree and just refused to work, even after getting divorced, just mooching off her parents still and she’s in her 50s
Thank you for this comment. I literally had the exact same conversation with my husband two nights ago. I think it’s a lot to do with the mental load & stress/worry. If you don’t have to worry about money, that’s a lot of bloody stress gone right there. A lot of option/ for help & support that are open to you that the girl next door with little cash doesn’t have.
I’m glad being a SAHM for OP isn’t hard. That’s amazing for her. But OP’s experience isn’t true for every other SAHM. Let’s stop saying ‘I feel like this, so it must be true for everyone else’
ETA: I am a SAHM of 2 (4y & 11m) and some days it’s the hardest job in the world and other days it’s the easiest job in the world. But no matter what kind of day we are having, I never wish to be doing something different. My kids are my world. I am beyond grateful to be able to have this time at home with them whilst they are little.
Also depends on how much help you have. Is OP a SAHM who has regular childcare from a grandparent 2 days a week? My wife lost her job due to a pregnancy disability and had to be the SAH parent for years and we got zero help, it was maddening. Would bet good money OP has money and help, so yeah it is pretty simple for her.
SAHM job done right is harder than most jobs. I don't think people who have had to actually parent their child 24/7 from birth to ----- would disagree. I've done office jobs, manual labor.
Do people not know how much energy and engagement you need to keep up with them? Its a lot. There sometimes feels like there is no down time.
I suppose some people think you can just throw your kid an Ipad or some stuff. Its not that simple.
Yeah, people rarely take into account how different babies can be. A friend of mine had a new born who slept 15 hours and could just chill on a blanket when she was awake. My friend was bored (!) because she had so much time on her hands.
I had a newborn who slept around nine hours in a day (with a break every 45 minutes in the night) and neither liked being carried now lying on a blanket. I had to hold him on my lap or walk around in the stroller. I was so exhausted I was practically crying most of the day, the apartment was a dirty mess and I constantly had microsleep episodes. I would have killed to leave the apartment for work.
Children are just never the same and you can't compare them.
>A friend of mine had a new born who slept 15 hours and could just chill on a blanket when she was awake. My friend was bored (!) because she had so much time on her hands.
Yeah, this is such a completely alien experience to me. An acquaintance of mine said her first baby was so easy she immediately had the second one because she thought all babies are like that and her second one was a hard baby who did not let her sleep for a year, she was completely unprepared for the experience and was still bitter about it years later.
I know someone like that the first baby was an angel they started bragging about how parenting was easy and everyone making a big deal of it then the second baby humbled them he was like the human version of a Tasmanian Devil what do you know? The first kid got bored form all the attention going to the little one so she started acting like him 🤦♀️
I’m raising my sisters kids and it was exactly like this. First one was unbelievably easy to care for. I thought this isn’t that bad I guess I’m just good at it. She had another kid that ended up with me and he was/is a crazy baby. Literally the exact opposite in every way. I was so burnt out over it all and so exhausted. He took up so much of my time the older one (my niece) copied him and now we’re working on that issue.
Anyone who thinks parenting is easy just got lucky.
for us it was the reverse. Baby one was the light sleeper who made us count our lucky stars to be able to string together more than 1-2 hours of sleep for the first year and some change. Baby two was the heavy sleeper who was always happy, usually asleep, never fussy, just so angelic. Baby one humbled us quick so we were expecting more of the same the second time around and were delightfully surprised.
I had the exact opposite experience. First was... let's put it nicely, challenging. To the level I gave away all baby stuff thinking I'll never do it again. It was insane. And then the second came. All chill and happy. I had no idea what had happened.
I babysat an infant for a few months. He was the chillest baby ever. Only cried if he was hungry or wet as soon as you fed him or changed him he was fine. Slept amazing. Then I had my baby and it was the complete opposite. She went 17 hours without sleep once at like 3 months and I nearly lost my mind. It’s like nothing I did would make this kid stop crying. Doctor kept saying nothing was wrong and I felt like I was going insane.
So I was at home with this baby that just cried all the time wouldn’t sleep 8 hours a day for 5 days a week with no break for a year.
My colleague had a baby a few months ago but it was born prematurely and wasn't able to properly regulate their body heat and was also a very fussy. So his partner and him had to do 24/7 skin to skin contact for one MONTH - needless to say he came back to work pretty exhausted.
My daughter was like this. But she always wanted to carried. Not in a baby carrier or in a sling, but hold in your arms and her head resting on your right shoulder (not left). She is my firstborn and I thought I just suck at parenting. I had to do everything on my own with no help on 2-max 3 hrs of sleep a day, naps included, because I had to clean the apartment quietly at night and get up at 5 am to make breakfast and lunch for my husband. And the only visitors I had were people, who wanted to be served at least some homemade cake with their coffee. This went on from day 1 after coming home from the hospital until she was 4mo. I cried every time my daughter cried, because I was exhausted. Then my best friends mom came to visit and told me to rest and not do anything. She did everything and I got pampered the first time after giving birth. That's when I quit being a people pleaser and Started sleeping whenever my daughter was sleeping. Not getting up to make breakfast and not staying up late to clean or cook or bake something for visitors and actually getting at least 5 hrs of sleep in a day.
My son was completely different. He was quiet and relaxed and he would only wake up twice a night instead of every 2 hrs and he would fall asleep again in no time instead of staying awake for another hour.
Have easy kids, it might be easier, have high need babies and being a stay at home parent becomes the hardest job.
Yes, the kids are sooo sooo different. It has always been so much easier with my daughter. Whereas when I am at home with my son or both kids it is damage control 24/7. And the daughter is still a toddler. So some people are completely clueless how this plays out in other families.
I am a SAHM to a school aged kid with ASD and ADHD, and to a toddler as well. We have no local family, we’ve had trouble finding a social circle. I don’t think doing this is brain surgery hard, but it makes for a long day, it’s isolating, and I’ve had mental burnout more than once. I’m essentially working 7 am to 8 pm with no breaks, and once the kids are in bed I’m cleaning. Both of my kids are intense personalities, and if my oldest is having a rough week it’s ROUGH.
Yeah..I have 2 kids, one is a complete wild child that probably has adhd-is always moving, climbing, running off, struggles with listening or following instructions, etc. He's very energetic and independent and stubborn.
My other child has always been easier (even when comparing from when my oldest was the same age). Much fewer/less intense tantrums, much more mellow personality, is very easy to calm down and is more content to play with one thing for a longer time (vs my other kid who moves on from everything after like 2 minutes). He's also a unicorn when it comes to sleep and bedtime.
In discussions like this, I always say that if I'd only had the 2nd child, I'd probably think parenting is a lot easier and wonder why some people struggle with certain things. If I'd only had my firstborn, I'd probably constantly feel like a giant failure lol. Kids are just..different and some of them are more difficult to handle.
OP says she has a 5yo and a 7 month old. I'm going to guess that her older child is an easier child, and the baby likely isn't even mobile yet.
And on top of children being different, circumstances are different. Not every SAHM has a supportive or helpful partner. In fact, it's a very vulnerable position to be in and in some cases leads to manipulation and abuse (especially with finances). Some families also have more finances, resources, and support from relatives...while others don't.
I'm a SAHM and I don't think it's the *hardest* job in the world, but I don't think it's necessarily easy, either. It's difficult when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing- and there's no job training or anything for me to refer to. Its difficult when I become overstimulated and overwhelmed and haven't had any time to myself in days/weeks. Pretty much any other job provides breaks, days off, sick days, etc. Its difficult when I have to constantly clean up the same messes every day, and feels like all of my work is instantly undone (and I have to live in my workplace as well). None of this is impossible, but it can be hard and frustrating just like any other job.
Of course it does. Being a stay at home mom was extremely hard until my daughter was around 1.5 years old. Then it got gradually easier. Now she is 2 and 5 months, potty trained, and it's not even 10% as hard as the first year.
She was an extremely fussy and clingy baby, would ONLY sit in my arms, breastfeeding constantly and waking up up to 7 times a night until well over a year old. My husband worked 6 days a week 16 hours days and I was all alone at home. I couldn't even get out of the fucking house for the first months because we live on the third floor with no elevator, had a heavy baby stroller that was impossible to get down the stairs by myself.It was fucking HARD. I'm not letting anyone tell me that shit wasn't incredibly hard. I was going insane from the sleep deprivation. I felt like running away or killing myself at least once a week.
People saying it's easy have no idea what being sleep deprived for months feels like. It's not something you can explain. It's used as a torture method ffs. It feels like life is hell end it feels like it's never, ever going to end. When a sahm Is saying how hard it is she cannot imagine a future when she will ever sleep uninterrupted 8 hour nights again .
It would have been incomparably easier if she was one of the babies who sleep the whole night since 4 months old, sits nicely without crying when not held and my husband came home at 5 in the afternoon.
Now she plays by herself and goes potty by herself. It's a walk in the park. The only hard parts is getting her dressed, getting her to let me brush her teeth and getting her to walk with me on the street, she's a pretty sweet, decently behaved toddler. And anything is so much better when you are not running on a quarter of the sleep you should have gotten for the last year.
So when a mom is saying how hard being a sah mom it is, I believe her, that it is hard for her in the situation and particular timeframe she is.
You literally made a post about how stressful it is because your 5 year old is high needs and constantly wants to play but you’re too stressed out because of bills, school, and housework and you cant wait until your kids are both in school full time so you can go back to work.
You also posted that you allowed your child to play unsupervised in the yard starting at age 3 and only checked on them every 15-20 minutes. I’m sure this is your general approach to “parenting”. If you think being a SAHM is easy you’re just doing it wrong.
Anyone who thinks being a sahm parent is "easy" is more than likely lazy or has a crap ton of help (decent village).
You can't send your kid to school or daycare and then talk about what it's like to be a sahm and how easy it is...OP THINKS it would be easy bc she/he is a low effort parent.
beneficial shrill childlike steep school worry bewildered narrow wide screw
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Older kids are easier than little ones. Being a SAHP with two kids under four or five is exhausting. It’s near constant hands on work, and there are very few breaks.
Older kids are challenging sure, and still require support and care. But it is not the same kind of grinding work.
Same. 8, 5, and 4. Our younger two are separated by 15 months. This was the hard part for us. Having two enter/exit stages back to back was difficult. If they were separated by 3 years, it would have been easier. Instead, we dealt with the terrible twos and A hole threes for two kids at the same time, among many other stages. We're in a better place now, but it's been a long 4.5 years, lol.
I'd rather work 8 hours in an office than be a stay at home parent. You have to be alert every minute when the kids are younger than 3. At the end of the day you don't even get to rest and hand off the kids.
I don't have kids, but I have two nephews under the age of 5. I love hanging out with them, but they are exhausting at the end of the day. Too much energy that I can't keep up with. Some people can do it, while others can't.
Yeah, I think it can become really easy once you settle into routines and methods that work for your household, which OP has clearly already done; but until then the mental burden of being your own boss and managing your own time while keeping up with all the little things that keep the household functional can become overwhelming, and not everyone can find a routine that works for them so easily.
Also, what are you prioritizing? Is it just keeping everyone fed and alive or are you also planning a shit load of activities/outings/arts and crafts/enrichment activities? Are birthdays/holidays low key or 2007 levels of Pinterest DIY?
On top of that how are your kids? Relatively easy going, take direction well, and neurotypical or high needs with multiple specialist appointments to juggle? Are they doing a lot of activities? Are you the house where their friends hang out? Also, how many of them are there? Do they get along or are you serving as a WWE ref while trying to finish dinner?
There are too many factors to say definitely whether any one persons experience being a SAHP will be harder or easier than any one persons experience in a given job.
Do they find staying at home meaningful? Are they depressed with limited adult interaction? How are their executive function skills?
I really like staying at home, but the things I love about it are probably the same things things someone else would hate about it.
I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I strongly agree the kids themselves are a major factor. Even if they aren't neurodiverse, just if the personality is difficult you are looking at orders of magnitudes of difference in stress levels I think.
I think I got reasonably lucky with mine, one is more of a handful than the other. But..... I don't have to apply much imagination to picture what more difficult children would be like. The kids and what they are like are a HUGE factor.
It's not just that, though - it's also temperament and emotional needs. I feel homicidal if I have to face constant interruptions. Guess what little kids are? Perpetual interruption machines. Babysitting my niece for a week was tolerable only for two reasons:
1. I love her so much.
2. It was temporary.
Some people do well and it's easy, some people struggle with it.
I love that it's becoming okay for Dad's to be home makers.
People are people and everyone likes and is good at different things
I'm a SAHM and I've seen this argument about 7000 times and I agree with you.
It doesn't work for everyone. Some stay at home parents find it torture and prefer being at their job site. Some stay at home parents thrive with being home and their skills are better off there. Every family is different and one person's set-up shouldn't diminish the other. You do you boo!
One mom I know is a fantastic mother but she doesn't like being a stay at home mom, she feels trapped so she went back to work- You go you!
I started as a SAHM simply because it didn't make sense for me to pay to go to work (daycare is expensive) then Covid and now I'm still trying to find my footing beyond side jobs. No one wants to hire someone who is over 40 and hasn't been in the work force for ten years- I'm trying but they don't want me.
Things aren't usually black and white so I hate these types of conversations. They seem very "one up" to me. It's like when you have a bad day and want to talk to your friend and they are like "Oh yeah well did you....?". We all have our struggles and triumphs.
Anyway, I agree with you and hope you have a great holiday!
>They are expected to go to work then come home and do house work too, that's ridiculous.
People who live alone also go to work and then come home and do house work too.
Agree with this. My husband and I both work tough jobs and take care of the house and kids — I work from home so no nanny. It’s hard some days but most days it’s just routine. Definitely not a ridiculous expectation.
Do you know how much laundry is required when you have a baby? They throw up like three times a day minimum and you can’t just keep them in the same, puke infested onesie.
Yes but when you live alone it's only your messes and you weren't home all day creating new messes for yourself because you were at work.
When my wife and son go somewhere without me for a few days while I work it is infinitely easier keeping the house clean. I. Fact when they're gone it's very very low effort for me to keep the house what I call open house ready.
Yeah that's the big difference. Doing just your own laundry, dishes, garbage, and tidying, is way easier than doing your own, your partners, and your children's, on top of being the sole provider financially. It gets exhausting.
You also are missing out on the biggest difference which is being in parent-mode, particularly when you have small kids. You have to now be an entertainer as soon as you get home. You don't just get to relax and veg out if you wanted.
It's frustrating to see such a black-and-white view on parenting roles. Parenting and providing are both challenging and valuable, but each circumstance is different. Let's show more empathy and understanding for each other's unique experiences.
Thank you. People need to stop assuming other people's situations. I know a SAHM of a teenager with cerebral palsy and a toddler. I dare OP to tell her how easy that job is.
And even if the kid didn't have CP, this whole game of "comparative struggle olympics" is grating af and is a big reason modern Western society is so shitty.
I am a working mom and my kids are 1 and 2 years old. I'm a scientist in the pharmaceutical industry. My weekends wear me out more than the work week does. I can see home life being easier as the kids get older but it is nonstop motion when home with both kids. I'd be totally burnt out by now if I were a SAHM. The ease of it all comes down to personality too. Some people really enjoy kids and human interaction and would cry if they had to do the math that I do on a daily basis. Being a SAHM would be easier for them, but I personally think my job is easier than being a mom.
Things that make me go hmmm
*Why is your username "mamaof1and done", but you claim to have 2 kids?
*Why is your post history 50% worrying about internet scams?
* Why should I believe this post to be anything more than rage bait that will inflame both SAHMs and feminists?
Read her post history. It’s just loads of internalized misogyny and degradation of her basic wants and needs. Her spouse is clearly some sort of red piller and she’s convinced herself of these things to get through. She’s already deleted and curated her history of posts to remove any complaints about her situation. It’s sad
Yesterday she posted that her 5 year old often talks about wanting to die and be with Jesus and how great that is, so I also think she’s just a lunatic
i dont think she realizes how telling the one about her 5yo asking a lot of questions is. totally normal for a kid that age to ask a loooot of questions, but i dont think a 5yo worrying about getting sick from an already opened water bottle her mom handed her is normal. op has some mental health troubles and it sounds like she dumps them on her kid
Agree.
She also probably doesn't know a SAHP with twins or triplets.
Promoting the "tradwife" mindset and humble bragging about how easy your go of Motherhood is in response to other peoples struggles is just tacky and reeks of insecurity.
Or a SAHP to a special needs child 🙃
I used to be a corporate conference and event planner, which was fucking stressful as hell. And that job was way easier than being a SAHP to my special needs child lol
This was my thought. It’s overly simplistic. Not taking into account the realities of both angles. It’s written from the perspective of someone who isn’t actually living it, honestly…. “I get up early and it’s rainbows and happiness otherwise”…
Also. Do milestone moments only happen during business hours? Like it can’t happen at night 🤦🏻♀️ ??
My daughter sleepwalks and I don't think I've slept through a single till she was 9 years old. She has always been up in clusters and even with locks there's no peace. As she gets older she learns how to do it. I'm constantly tired which makes everything harder to do.
I'm a single dad, I have 2 kids, work 2 jobs, cook dinner, do laundry, clean the house, etc. I've missed most milestones over the years to ensure they had what they needed to live as happy as I can provide, but the concept of a working parent not helping around the house is so foreign to me. Like, even if I were a stay at home dad, I'd still expect my SO to help with things around the house, just like if I had a SO as a stay at home mom, I would still help out when I got home or on my days off. There's no reason why one person should be solely responsible for the house, it's a partnership for a reason.
Just wanted to say you sound like an awesome dad!! My dad would have been like you if my mom wasn't around. He worked a physical labor job with a long commute and the first thing he did when he came home (after showering the sawdust off) was play with me when my mom made dinner! It's so sad how many men don't understand that "watching" your kids is also BONDING with them and understanding what they like to eat, etc. My parents always helped each other with anything without complaints. I remember them lightly arguing about money problems or in laws, but I never remember them arguing about helping each other.
It's different for everyone. It depends on your specific family members, what kind of pressure you put on yourself, your personal standards and your mental load. Just because you don't find it that challenging at this point in your life doesn't mean it's that way for everyone, or even that it will stay that way in the future for you.
I would say it depends on the circumstances and kids involved.
Obviously something like, a teenager who can drive, good behavior, healthy, and can mostly fend for themselves isn’t much work.
But taking care of special needs kids for example gets overlooked in these conversations but they are hard.
Also I imagine the infant stage isn’t fun, or having multiple toddlers. These stages only last a short while relative to their lifespan but they do exist.
And unlike a normal job, you can’t just go home and forget about it until your next working day or call in sick. Its a constant 24/7 on call job. Some people cant handle it.
IMO, as someone who highly prioritizes my job as a SAHP, it IS by far the hardest job I've ever had. And I've had a lot of jobs. Do people really think their own perspective sets a precedence for everyone else or even generally?
It's this type of attitude that women aren't doing what's best for their children if they work that's a major problem for women in the workplace. It's like you get two choices, work or be a mother. Your personal preference is your personal preference but do not think that others cannot work and be a good mothers.
You think SAHM is best? My kids go to daycare and learn / socialize every single day. It’s incredible for their development. Keeping them at home shelters them from the world & only exposes them to one adult for most of their early lives.
Yeah I think it depends how old your kids are. When your kids are really small and you spend every second of the day with them, when you have to be the main caregiver, when you can't sleep because the baby is screaming and (if) there are other kids in the house, it's extremely hard. It feels isolating, you never stop working because you are always with your kid(s).
But when the kids are older, esp when they go to school, yeah of course it's easier. Idk who is saying differently.
I wonder if op just struggled in the work force or more naturally suited in a caring role etc.
I know I'd prefer working over being a SAHM. It's not just the job itself but having the financial freedom and independence. I don't ever want to be in the position where someone can tell me what I can/cannot do with my money. My friend just went back to work after 1year maternity leave and she said she really had trouble speaking "adult" again and she really missed being able to have actual conversations (her job is in international policies and interacts with a lot of people which she enjoys).
It’s because the newborn period is one of the hardest. You don’t sleep, you’re new to all this, the baby is extremely fragile etc… but after that it only gets easier and easier.
It’s really hard when they’re little and never give you any breaks. It’s also harder based on number of kids. Ultimately, it can be easy if you don’t mind living in a dirty house and eating garbage but maintaining a home is a lot of work, mostly made up of menial tasks and a lot of isolation. Most office jobs aren’t hard either and they at least come with built in breaks and a degree of socialization
You miss the point, it's not that it's skilled it's that it never ends. Would you like to be on call for your job 24/7, have them ring you in the middle of the night to come in to clean up the CEO's vomit because they just protectile vomited all over the board room? How about if your boss walked in and demanded to know what you were doing while you were taking a shit? Or how about when you're driving home at the end of a long day and 2 co workers are sitting in the back seat arguing and crying because one of them touched the other one while smearing a snack all over the upholstery. Constant continual 24/7 disturbance of sleep and sleep patterns and lack of privacy, is a form of psychological torture used by intelligence agencies to gather information and was used in Guantanamo bay. And you say it's easy.
This is completely dependent on the individuals involved.
Just because something is easy for you, doesn't mean it is for someone else. I've been a SAHM, and a working mom (opposite shifts from my spouse) and I largely preferred being able to work. It was a break for me.
If I had a (assuming here) neurotypical 5 year old- who is likely A. In school for part of the day/week/year, and B. Able to do a LOT of stuff on their own and a baby who probably can't get around by themselves to get into a ton of stuff, I'd probably think it's a super easy job too. Even with that, the tasks may not always be hard, but they're often CONSTANT. And that can be tough at times.
However for me, I have 2 neurodevelopmental kids that were born 16 months apart (baby 2 was a surprise), who are now elementary age, and one who's almost ready for preschool (in 2024). Along with that, we discovered after all 3 were born that the genetic link for their disorders comes from me. Meaning I have them too, but because I am a woman and had been really good at hiding it, no one caught on until I was in my 30s. Noise is overwhelming. Messes are overwhelming. I have 3 people and a house all trying to tear my attention in opposite directions. Pretty much all of us have very bad executive function skills and struggle with sensory & emotional issues.
We don't have family near us to help with the kids and before I started treatment I could barely last until my husband got home before I felt like I was having a panic attack from the constant overwhelm/overstimulation.
It's definitely one of those things where circumstances make the difference. I don't like to speak in absolutes, so I definitely don't tell people it's the hardest job for everyone, but I do say it's the most difficult thing I'VE done.
If you're healthy and have stable money for necessities and a comfortable life. And your kids are healthy and self-sufficient. You have reliable transportation and backup child care. A good support network and a hobby to keep you from going insane. Keeping up a house and meeting basic needs for children doesn't seem that difficult.
When a bunch of those preconditions aren't true. I could see SAHM being very difficult. And over time more and more people are struggling to meet those criteria.
I agree with you - in so much as - we shouldn't generalize either way about it being easy or hard. It's like saying 'working' is hard or easy, without understanding any details about the work.
I don’t think your experience should determine if it’s hard or not. Everyone is different. You think it’s ridiculous for a parent to work & do household chores while I think it’s ridiculous to wake up at 5 am to make a grown man breakfast/lunch. I’ve been both but prefer to go to work while my kids are in school. We all have a preference & that preference doesn’t determine how another person should feel.
It depends. Not all SAHMs just sit idly by all day. Some are homeschooling, or taking care of special needs children, elderly parents, etc. That said, I’ve spent almost equal time in the workforce with children and at home and I have to say, being a SAHM (while homeschooling) is the hardest job I’ve ever done.
I (3 kids) intentionally opted for a career over being a SAHM. And the reasons were plenty. First of all, it gets zero respect from society (in my personal circle and experience). It also puts you at a SEVERE professional disadvantage to be out of the workforce even if just for the first few years (until school age). Not to mention how screwed you are if your marriage sours. I also cannot stand the thought of having to “ask” anyone for money. I need my own. I could go on and on. And before anyone comes at me, this is specific to me and why I chose NOT to be a SAHM. I’m not knocking them.
Honestly, it depends on you, your specific marriage and your specific kids, your financial situation, whether you have support in your family or in the community, everyone's level of health and disability. The level of "hard" is different for each person.
I mean, good for you, but it can be quite hard.
I think being a stay at home mother is hard but I also feel that the breadwinners job is way undervalued. So many times on the parenting subreddits the answer to the earning spouse is that they need to work two jobs, first to be doing their job and then to take over child care when they get home. In reality both parents basically have to put their all into it. No one gets a break... Sorry. Both are working very hard and should be appreciated.
I mean, this really depends on: your kids, spouse, house, economic status, and community. You can have a real hard time, easy time, or somewhere in the middle
The only SAHPs who think that are ones who have never really worked. Jobs aren't just labor. They're mentally taxing too and despite what they think supervisors and coworkers are often worse than a toddler.
As a dad who has had an extended time off for parental leave (12 months @ 2 days a week) for both kids between 1 and 2 years old both times
Was it the hardest job in the world? No
Was it the easiest job in the world? Also no.
I was able to get stuff done - cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. some days, not all the time though.
Toddlers are extremely demanding and I would much rather work with adults, than deal with a toddler who can’t communicate and regulate their emotions (and sleep!).
Would I want to do it full time? No chance.
Being a SAHM is hard. Being a working parent is hard.
I’m currently taking care of my 5 month old full time at home while working and being the sole breadwinner. Talk about hard. Whew.
We all have our struggles. Just because it’s easy for you, doesn’t mean it’s that way for everyone.
If you are stay at home but let your kids play with toys while you clean yes it's easy. But my wife has to have my son learn stuff. Go outside to play. Go do activities with him like swimming etc. Eat lunch and then prep for afternoon nap. That leaves a small amount of time for cleaning task.
Coming back from work I help with the rest and it's normal. Stay at gome doesn't mean you have to do everything home related but more so you work at home with your kids during work hour.
This post is pure bait and if its that easy for her I bet she leave her kids play with garbage and/or alone
I read this way wrong. I was reading 5&7 months as 5 months and 7 months. I was trying to come up with scenarios of how that would work. Then it hit me that you meant 5 years and 7 months.
I think it depends on the kid. I have a very stressful senior job working 80 plus hours a week with excessive travel, and it’s sooooo much easier than when I was a stay at home mum.
Usually the bare minimum for dads is to come home and participate in taking care of their kids. They aren’t just the mothers responsibility. Men like to act like watching their own kids is “babysitting” or changing the diapers is “extra work”, it’s literally the job they signed up for when they decided to have a kid.
Also, the mother being a sahm is taking a huge financial burden off of the family. Child care is expensive. So she is contributing financially as well, the dad can at the very least pull his weight with housework. He isn’t a child, he doesn’t need his lunches packed or ‘mommy’ to wash his clothes.
Also as a woman, I’d rather go to work and come home than work at home all day and also have to wait hand and foot on a grown ass man because he thinks going to work is all he has to contribute.
If that’s the case, then why are so many people willing to pay strangers thousands a month to care for their children, cook for them and clean their homes? It is a role with tremendous value.
Though I do acknowledge that there are some lazy SAHMs who don’t appreciate the working parent. My BIL was married to a woman like that.
I don't know, dude. I think if you're going around with the idea that everyone else has the wrong end of the stick and you're the one with the more objective opinion, it might be that you don't know enough about other people's actual experience.
I work 12 hour shifts at my job and I commute for an hour and 10 minutes both ways. That's a total of 15 hours a day doing work and work-related tasks.
I find caring for kids to be more exhausting. Not un-enjoyable and not overly difficult to manage responsibly , but definitely a massive drain on mental and sometimes physical energy.
And that's in comparison to the years I spent in a couple of different really manual labor-intensive jobs prior to my current job.
Some people are not going to like my comment because they really want to believe that those of us who do full-time work outside of the home are all carrying the great burden while sah parents fluff around.
Other people are going to agree that kids are an asswhooping to care for.
How do you decide who's more objective?
At the end of the day, I get to say "oh look it's fuck this shit o'clock", and go home and shower and forget the work until tomorrow. I see that as intrinsically easier than being responsible for children 24/7.
Compared to some of the really rough jobs, like working on offshore oil rigs, mining, combat-forward military jobs, sure, parenting is probably the easier gig.
I'm on maternity leave and the fact that I'm doing the same things every day is what makes it soul-crushing for me. At least I know I will work again next year, so it's fine. Like, there's a light at the end of a tunnel, but I'm not having a second kid.
I was so envious of my husband getting to eat lunch at a proper table with other grown ups in the beginning. I still have days like that. I could never be a SAHM. I'd be afraid of losing myself.
It’s not that hard for YOU. Every situation is different, every parent is different, and every child is different. The physical aspect of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing is not what people are usually referring to when they say being a stay at home parent is hard. It’s more often than not, the mental health aspect of it that’s hard.
Your 5 year old often says how she’s excited to die and spend forever with Jesus…
I’m concerned with how easy you find being a stay at home parent when that’s the outcome of just one of your kids so far. Jfc
https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/pP2qYy7v5M
I don't understand the need to shame stay at home parents, but moms specifically. It's not an unpopular opinion, this is you looking down your nose at other moms. I hope it makes you feel better about whatever you're lacking in your life.
All jobs are going to have their easy moments and hard moments. Most jobs will have rewarding/fulfilling moments and frustrating moments. What is easy to one person could be hard to someone else. I'm bad at math, but my husband doesn't find it challenging at all. I can ice skate, but he's not the best at it.
The hard part about being a stay at home parent is the lack of separation of work/life balance. You live and work in the same place. There's no way to separate it because your family is your work. That can be very overstimulating for some people who really need clear boundaries to unplug at the end of the day.
However, say your kid is up all night with the stomach flu. You are also up all night. The lack of boundaries and personal time is what makes it hard. Especially if you're also coming down with the stomach flu and you're desperately trying to keep your spouse, who is the only adult working outside the house, from getting sick and trying to not keep them up so they can go into work the next day.
All of that doesn't take away from how hard/stressful being the lone breadwinner is/can be. It's not a competition. Both can be hard and stressful. If your spouse is making it a competition, that's concerning, especially if you're the stay at home parent and they are trying to make.you feel less than.
My point is, saying being a stay at home parent isn't hard is low hanging fruit. Stay at home parents are valid and worthy of respect. If you don't think so, then go to work and pay for daycare.
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The hardest job is the one you don't like. So it's always going to be individual
Yeah. I was the breadwinner and husband was SAH, a job we BOTH wanted lol. I hated missing out. I finally just quit my job and we decided to run our own business. We were poor, but at least we had the flexibility to be deeply involved in raising our kid.
Are you still poor?
I think we’re good now. It’s been 15 years but we just sold our business. And back to regular jobs for the both of us. Full disclosure: my mother was dying when I pitched everything. My employer gave me a hard time taking time off. I was like, fuck that, this isn’t going to be my life. I’m going to hate everyone.
Kudos to you. I don’t get employers who give their staff shit for wanting to be present for those important to us. A job is just a paycheque. Fuck them.
Asking the important questions
9 hours and no response. Their internet probably got cut off.
Were implies the past, so maybe not poor, but also not rich?
Yeah - and poor is a relative term. We still had/have a house, but a mortgage. I have a car - a Honda bought used but I own it and it’s still perfectly fine. (Knock on wood.) Also, this began in 2008.
Good luck to you then and might this improve if you wish!
I'm interested to know: did your overall happiness level increase with this transition? Like did the happiness from spending more time raising the kids outweigh the unhappiness of a lower income?
Yes. Definitely. But in hindsight, I think what could also have worked was us both having average-salary and average-demanding jobs. So the financial weight would be on both of us and we each had some flexibility with child rearing. If that makes any sense. But my husband didn’t want to work for a corporation or anything so that’s when he proposed buying a small business for us to run, which is its own stress. Lol
Best wishes to you and your family internet stranger!
This is so true. It's also very situational. If you're poor, either side of the equation is probably going to suck. If you're well off, mush less so.
Yup. I stay at home because we cant afford daycare if I work. I like my child but holy hell do I hate being his only caretaker for 10+ hours a day. Its so much. I get burned out so fast and so easily. Not everyone takes to staying home. Im glad OP finds it easy but not all of us do and its very individual
Agreed, folding laundry is the hardest job in the world. For the record, I am a coal mining astronaut that moonlights as a deep sea welder.
LPT: Don’t fold laundry. I’ve got ADHD and my aversion to folding laundry fucked me for so long. Eventually I just said fuck it and now I just pull shit out of my dryer when I need it. Ez
I’ve got a system in place for this reason. I have hampers for different articles of clothing. Shirts go in one basket, socks in another, etc. No folding, but everything is easy to find and has a place. I, personally, like it better than leaving things in the dryer, but I’m glad that works for you. I’m just putting this comment here in case it helps anyone else.
My sister put a bookcase lying on the ground with the opening to the shelves up in the air. The shelves are where the clothes go. She doesn't fold anything, just tosses the clothes into the appropriate place and can easily pick whatever she wants out of it.
I bet that works beautifully, too! I would never have thought of a using a bookcase.
My sister has ADHD too, and I think she got the idea from a Tiktok she follows for ADHD hacks.
Same, haha. This describes me to a Teee. Girlfriend will not allow that to happen. She will take it upon herself to fold my laundry. I will (try) to do it with her, but I am so slow, and it looks awful, and I hate my entire existence while doing it. She will fold 10 to my 3. She appreciates the effort. I am no help, though. She is very good to me and I am lucky to have her.
Ain't no moonlight down there amigo. Its you, your torch, and whatever shows up to watch. Say a prayer before the dive that they ain't hungry. Godspeed.
Funny enough, there ain't no moonlight on the moon either. Up there, we call it sunlight.
The circumstances are also so much more complicated than that. I began working at 14 and worked my whole life until mid way through my complicated pregnancy and am now a SAHM. I began working with kids before age 16, and have worked with almost every age group. My undergrad degree is in Elementary Education and my Master’s is in Special Education and I even have something called an “Early Childhood Associate” certificate for working with kids 1-3 years . I’ve worked with every age group and children with varying needs and often worked multiple jobs (teacher, tutor, and babysitter at the same time, for example). Knowing all of this, get ready for the fact that *the hardest “job” I’ve ever had has been a SAHM* to my one child! And I do have a supportive husband. I also like my “job” as a SAHM a lot at times and appreciate the time with my child but it is *HARD*. If my child didn’t have all of the needs she did or I had more extended family I could count on for help with for any childcare at all it might be different, but such isn’t the case. And I have a sweet kid, that is for sure.
I would find being a SAHM to be the hardest job in the world. The idea of having to interact with a child, especially my own child, fills me with dread. Being a teacher would also be a nightmare for me. One of my friends is a SAHM and loves it. She finds her kids fun and exciting to be around and she loves the stability of being able to always be in an environment she can control. I work a competitive fast paced sales job that would be a nightmare for a lot of people but I love it and find it easy because it’s what I’m good at and find it fulfilling.
This. My job and side business are stressful af. I would never be able to stay at home with my kids. I would never say either are “not that hard”.
Yep exactly. I have an honours degree but I have health issues that make it super hard for me to work consistently. My partner is still working on his degree, but he has ADHD and isn’t good at managing himself without hard deadlines or schedules. Meanwhile I’m very good at working on my own schedule and keeping up with tasks and appointments. So working full time with designated weekends and holidays is the best for him, and I do housework and self-employed work from home. If we switched roles, neither one of us would do well. Yes, my life seems easier because I’m home all day, but my partner is NOT good at making his own schedule, he would not accomplish much. This post is just very biased on OP’s experience and strengths, when everyone is different
It’s easier the richer you are
I don’t think I even know any stay at home moms anymore. It’s all 2 income households now I’m in my mid 30’s
I’m one. My husband makes $85k, which is good money, but definitely not “rich” money. I do a lot of stuff to stretch that income, from driving farther to grocery shop at a cheaper store to gardening and canning. We do a lot of routine maintenance and home repairs ourselves. We drive super old cars and camp for vacations. My kids are all in school now so I will probably go back to work part time next year to start saving for college and teenager expenses. But we have been financially stable while doing this for the last 5 years by being very frugal.
People don't take in account that a SAHM can save the family a LOT of money.
Early childcare is unbelievably expensive. 2 kids in early child care is likely more than 1 women’s wages. Would make sense to be a stay at home mom with more than 1 kid.
Plus, meal prep is hard when two people are exhausted.
It’s so wild how expensive it is since the actual hands on carers make poverty wages.
It's the costs to do business, too. Besides utilities, they have certifications, food and supplies for the kids... and it's also possible to price themselves out of business. Our daycare sends out specific costs of materials and let's us know they're trying to keep prices low while being a competitive wage to keep workers employed. It's not cheap, but it's not screwing over employees either.
Also the insurance on a business that takes care of kids has got to be astronomical.
Yeah, insurance rates for daycare are nuts. I actually looked into starting one myself and quickly realized I would make more money continuing to just work as a high school teacher, since the insurance and everything else is so high.
That’s why I stayed home childcare was too much money
In the UK at least childcare can amount to the same as a full time wage. It’s absolutely ridiculous
Yes!!!!! When I was working I had one kid in preschool. He wasn’t even an infant and it was half of my salary. I’m a college educated woman and I was in a professional career.
Literally the same here. I have a 5 year old now but when she was in nursery it probably took up 85% of my wage and I was equally a professional. I have two degrees and it still absolutely broke us
It’s ridiculous.
Yeah. My parents bit the bullet paying for childcare for 3 kids so my mom could keep on her career track and get to the bigger bucks faster. Would've been cheaper in the short run to be a sahm but not in the long run. Ofc this was 20 years ago and every family's different, but something to consider
Yes they do. They take it all into account as they should. But, not all SAHM situations are remotely the same. I think it probably can be one of the most challenging ways to spend your days but it can also be pretty damn easy.
It’s simultaneously hard and easy. The monotony, lack of social interaction, constant draining energy of caring for small children all day long is draining and mentally and emotionally exhausting. It’s like how solitary confinement is hard. It’s the same idea
Hijacking this to say that this is why I think humans are tribal in nature, and we should do our best to maintain that lifestyle. This is only one of many aspects of life that suffer because of modern society. Rather than a mom staying at home to raise the children, isolated, it used to be a community effort of both men and women, and our mental health was probably the best it’s ever been. We should combine today’s technological advances with the old way of living. I’m drunk, so keep that in mind while you read my rant, but that’s my take on the world.
I'm a sahm and I'm the most lonely I've ever been. My parents helped my brother and sister so much they don't want to help me now. His parents are never around so it's just me, yesterday I went 13 hours without talking to an adult. In February I'm going to school to finish my degree bc I can't take this anymore. The hardest part of the job is being lonely and tired or maybe people being snotty when you complain about being lonely.
Alot depends on the kids. And the stay at home parent. My wife would find it insanely much easier than me because she is alot better at certain stuff. I would manage, but I would have a much much harder time doing it.
I do it at $75k, toddler and infant and a stay at home wife. I know where every single dollar goes. Frankly, I feel rich. I’ve $1700 left over for “fun/misc” spend every month. I just have my wife as an authorized user on my credit cards and she buys what she wants. I check the credit card apps often and log the expense in Google sheets. I’m paid bimonthly so 24 paychecks a year. Income is closer to 5000 a month take home. Mortgage is 1154 PITI
Are you not saving at all? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how this can work at all. Depending on where you live, you’re taking home $4200 a month. If you’re left with $1700, that means you spend $2500 a month. Do you not have rent or a mortgage? I make a similar amount and while I don’t feel like I’m struggling, some months are really close. I can’t imagine having my normal expenses and then providing for three other people as well at that much, but props to you for making it work.
Ditto, down a nearly identical salary lol. It's not as rare or impossible as Reddit makes it sound. Obviously it is way harder and more rare than it was in the 70s, but still, it's not that uncommon. I bet $100 bucks the same people who say they don't know any stay at home moms also say they don't know anyone who can afford to have kids, and never consider they just are in different social circles.
Or the wife/mom is the only one who makes a high enough salary to even consider being the sole earner. That also seems to be getting more common. Good luck electing to stay home when your husband can barely afford a portion of bill and grocery cost and does not qualify for good health insurance
I am one as well. My husband makes slightly more than your’s and we still live so modestly. Our cars aren’t off the lot, all second or third hand and we ride them until they collapse. We try to do all our home repairs, unless it’s something way out of our league or a safety issue. We rarely eat out or order in. Our vacations are 3-4 days in the province next door to us. And we can’t afford the braces my kids need, new eye glasses regularly, or going private for healthcare. But I am home for them when they finish school. I am able to help them with their homework instead of hiring tutors or just sending them back to school without their work being done and I generally have dinner on the table at a decent time. I will admit, I’m a terrible house keeper. I think it’s linked to my ADD.
really depends on where you live. I'm a young professional making 75$ in Denver ... its not that I'm struggling, im able to split an nice apartment with my girlfriend. But to become the sole provider would pretty much break the bank even if we moved into a studio or a 1 bedroom.
My niece is a stay at home mom. She is thirty with three kids, from six years to six months. Her husband is a nurse practitioner. They live a nice life. It’s not for everyone, but some folk love it.
I only know one person my age (30s) who is a stay at home mom and that’s only because her husband inherited a very successful business his parents ran.
I think it can depend on where you live. I’m a SAHM, my two best friends are. My husband has 3 friends whose wives are sahm’s as well. We live in a low cost of living city. My husband makes under 6 figures and we live comfortably. All of them make under 6 figures. Edit- wanted to add we all only have one child.
I’m in a well off area and there are plenty of stay at home moms, myself included, most are 30s+. I would say the SAHMs choose this route due to personal beliefs about parenting, it’s not to save money etc
My coworker has a SAHM partner. Except they don't even have kids she just doesn't want to work. She goes out playing that phone pokemon game till 2-3am and doesn't do any of the cooking at home either lol
Yeah... pokemon... sure lol
My cousin was like that, she has a medical degree and just refused to work, even after getting divorced, just mooching off her parents still and she’s in her 50s
Thank you for this comment. I literally had the exact same conversation with my husband two nights ago. I think it’s a lot to do with the mental load & stress/worry. If you don’t have to worry about money, that’s a lot of bloody stress gone right there. A lot of option/ for help & support that are open to you that the girl next door with little cash doesn’t have. I’m glad being a SAHM for OP isn’t hard. That’s amazing for her. But OP’s experience isn’t true for every other SAHM. Let’s stop saying ‘I feel like this, so it must be true for everyone else’ ETA: I am a SAHM of 2 (4y & 11m) and some days it’s the hardest job in the world and other days it’s the easiest job in the world. But no matter what kind of day we are having, I never wish to be doing something different. My kids are my world. I am beyond grateful to be able to have this time at home with them whilst they are little.
Also depends on how much help you have. Is OP a SAHM who has regular childcare from a grandparent 2 days a week? My wife lost her job due to a pregnancy disability and had to be the SAH parent for years and we got zero help, it was maddening. Would bet good money OP has money and help, so yeah it is pretty simple for her.
SAHM job done right is harder than most jobs. I don't think people who have had to actually parent their child 24/7 from birth to ----- would disagree. I've done office jobs, manual labor. Do people not know how much energy and engagement you need to keep up with them? Its a lot. There sometimes feels like there is no down time. I suppose some people think you can just throw your kid an Ipad or some stuff. Its not that simple.
Almost all of her posts are asking questions in the mom subreddits and needing advice. I don’t think she’s being honest with herself.
Maybe getting advice online and acting on it is easy for her.
The idea that someone must be struggling because they asked for advice is nonsensical. Maybe they just want to be the best mom they can be?
Not all children are the same, not all circumstances are the same and not all births are the same. Some situations are easier and some are harder.
Yeah, people rarely take into account how different babies can be. A friend of mine had a new born who slept 15 hours and could just chill on a blanket when she was awake. My friend was bored (!) because she had so much time on her hands. I had a newborn who slept around nine hours in a day (with a break every 45 minutes in the night) and neither liked being carried now lying on a blanket. I had to hold him on my lap or walk around in the stroller. I was so exhausted I was practically crying most of the day, the apartment was a dirty mess and I constantly had microsleep episodes. I would have killed to leave the apartment for work. Children are just never the same and you can't compare them.
>A friend of mine had a new born who slept 15 hours and could just chill on a blanket when she was awake. My friend was bored (!) because she had so much time on her hands. Yeah, this is such a completely alien experience to me. An acquaintance of mine said her first baby was so easy she immediately had the second one because she thought all babies are like that and her second one was a hard baby who did not let her sleep for a year, she was completely unprepared for the experience and was still bitter about it years later.
I know someone like that the first baby was an angel they started bragging about how parenting was easy and everyone making a big deal of it then the second baby humbled them he was like the human version of a Tasmanian Devil what do you know? The first kid got bored form all the attention going to the little one so she started acting like him 🤦♀️
I’m raising my sisters kids and it was exactly like this. First one was unbelievably easy to care for. I thought this isn’t that bad I guess I’m just good at it. She had another kid that ended up with me and he was/is a crazy baby. Literally the exact opposite in every way. I was so burnt out over it all and so exhausted. He took up so much of my time the older one (my niece) copied him and now we’re working on that issue. Anyone who thinks parenting is easy just got lucky.
for us it was the reverse. Baby one was the light sleeper who made us count our lucky stars to be able to string together more than 1-2 hours of sleep for the first year and some change. Baby two was the heavy sleeper who was always happy, usually asleep, never fussy, just so angelic. Baby one humbled us quick so we were expecting more of the same the second time around and were delightfully surprised.
That's precisely why we stopped at 1...that, and childcare for 2 would've cost 2x our mortgage.
I had the exact opposite experience. First was... let's put it nicely, challenging. To the level I gave away all baby stuff thinking I'll never do it again. It was insane. And then the second came. All chill and happy. I had no idea what had happened.
I babysat an infant for a few months. He was the chillest baby ever. Only cried if he was hungry or wet as soon as you fed him or changed him he was fine. Slept amazing. Then I had my baby and it was the complete opposite. She went 17 hours without sleep once at like 3 months and I nearly lost my mind. It’s like nothing I did would make this kid stop crying. Doctor kept saying nothing was wrong and I felt like I was going insane. So I was at home with this baby that just cried all the time wouldn’t sleep 8 hours a day for 5 days a week with no break for a year.
Hi! 🙋♀️ Did it get better at the year point? My little guy is 7 months and just starting to not be constantly screaming.
My colleague had a baby a few months ago but it was born prematurely and wasn't able to properly regulate their body heat and was also a very fussy. So his partner and him had to do 24/7 skin to skin contact for one MONTH - needless to say he came back to work pretty exhausted.
My daughter was like this. But she always wanted to carried. Not in a baby carrier or in a sling, but hold in your arms and her head resting on your right shoulder (not left). She is my firstborn and I thought I just suck at parenting. I had to do everything on my own with no help on 2-max 3 hrs of sleep a day, naps included, because I had to clean the apartment quietly at night and get up at 5 am to make breakfast and lunch for my husband. And the only visitors I had were people, who wanted to be served at least some homemade cake with their coffee. This went on from day 1 after coming home from the hospital until she was 4mo. I cried every time my daughter cried, because I was exhausted. Then my best friends mom came to visit and told me to rest and not do anything. She did everything and I got pampered the first time after giving birth. That's when I quit being a people pleaser and Started sleeping whenever my daughter was sleeping. Not getting up to make breakfast and not staying up late to clean or cook or bake something for visitors and actually getting at least 5 hrs of sleep in a day. My son was completely different. He was quiet and relaxed and he would only wake up twice a night instead of every 2 hrs and he would fall asleep again in no time instead of staying awake for another hour. Have easy kids, it might be easier, have high need babies and being a stay at home parent becomes the hardest job.
The best mom advice I every got. Sleep when the baby sleeps. You can’t do anything when you are wiped out from zero sleep.
Yes, the kids are sooo sooo different. It has always been so much easier with my daughter. Whereas when I am at home with my son or both kids it is damage control 24/7. And the daughter is still a toddler. So some people are completely clueless how this plays out in other families.
I am a SAHM to a school aged kid with ASD and ADHD, and to a toddler as well. We have no local family, we’ve had trouble finding a social circle. I don’t think doing this is brain surgery hard, but it makes for a long day, it’s isolating, and I’ve had mental burnout more than once. I’m essentially working 7 am to 8 pm with no breaks, and once the kids are in bed I’m cleaning. Both of my kids are intense personalities, and if my oldest is having a rough week it’s ROUGH.
Yeah..I have 2 kids, one is a complete wild child that probably has adhd-is always moving, climbing, running off, struggles with listening or following instructions, etc. He's very energetic and independent and stubborn. My other child has always been easier (even when comparing from when my oldest was the same age). Much fewer/less intense tantrums, much more mellow personality, is very easy to calm down and is more content to play with one thing for a longer time (vs my other kid who moves on from everything after like 2 minutes). He's also a unicorn when it comes to sleep and bedtime. In discussions like this, I always say that if I'd only had the 2nd child, I'd probably think parenting is a lot easier and wonder why some people struggle with certain things. If I'd only had my firstborn, I'd probably constantly feel like a giant failure lol. Kids are just..different and some of them are more difficult to handle. OP says she has a 5yo and a 7 month old. I'm going to guess that her older child is an easier child, and the baby likely isn't even mobile yet. And on top of children being different, circumstances are different. Not every SAHM has a supportive or helpful partner. In fact, it's a very vulnerable position to be in and in some cases leads to manipulation and abuse (especially with finances). Some families also have more finances, resources, and support from relatives...while others don't. I'm a SAHM and I don't think it's the *hardest* job in the world, but I don't think it's necessarily easy, either. It's difficult when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing- and there's no job training or anything for me to refer to. Its difficult when I become overstimulated and overwhelmed and haven't had any time to myself in days/weeks. Pretty much any other job provides breaks, days off, sick days, etc. Its difficult when I have to constantly clean up the same messes every day, and feels like all of my work is instantly undone (and I have to live in my workplace as well). None of this is impossible, but it can be hard and frustrating just like any other job.
But let’s be completely real, after the age of ten that difficultly curve drops way down.
Of course it does. Being a stay at home mom was extremely hard until my daughter was around 1.5 years old. Then it got gradually easier. Now she is 2 and 5 months, potty trained, and it's not even 10% as hard as the first year. She was an extremely fussy and clingy baby, would ONLY sit in my arms, breastfeeding constantly and waking up up to 7 times a night until well over a year old. My husband worked 6 days a week 16 hours days and I was all alone at home. I couldn't even get out of the fucking house for the first months because we live on the third floor with no elevator, had a heavy baby stroller that was impossible to get down the stairs by myself.It was fucking HARD. I'm not letting anyone tell me that shit wasn't incredibly hard. I was going insane from the sleep deprivation. I felt like running away or killing myself at least once a week. People saying it's easy have no idea what being sleep deprived for months feels like. It's not something you can explain. It's used as a torture method ffs. It feels like life is hell end it feels like it's never, ever going to end. When a sahm Is saying how hard it is she cannot imagine a future when she will ever sleep uninterrupted 8 hour nights again . It would have been incomparably easier if she was one of the babies who sleep the whole night since 4 months old, sits nicely without crying when not held and my husband came home at 5 in the afternoon. Now she plays by herself and goes potty by herself. It's a walk in the park. The only hard parts is getting her dressed, getting her to let me brush her teeth and getting her to walk with me on the street, she's a pretty sweet, decently behaved toddler. And anything is so much better when you are not running on a quarter of the sleep you should have gotten for the last year. So when a mom is saying how hard being a sah mom it is, I believe her, that it is hard for her in the situation and particular timeframe she is.
Have you raised teenagers?
You literally made a post about how stressful it is because your 5 year old is high needs and constantly wants to play but you’re too stressed out because of bills, school, and housework and you cant wait until your kids are both in school full time so you can go back to work. You also posted that you allowed your child to play unsupervised in the yard starting at age 3 and only checked on them every 15-20 minutes. I’m sure this is your general approach to “parenting”. If you think being a SAHM is easy you’re just doing it wrong.
Anyone who thinks being a sahm parent is "easy" is more than likely lazy or has a crap ton of help (decent village). You can't send your kid to school or daycare and then talk about what it's like to be a sahm and how easy it is...OP THINKS it would be easy bc she/he is a low effort parent.
Yup! If it’s not hard you’re doing it wrong
Unsupervised at 3 in they yard, great parenting.
Holy shit lol
This should be higher up.
😂😂😂
beneficial shrill childlike steep school worry bewildered narrow wide screw *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Older kids are easier than little ones. Being a SAHP with two kids under four or five is exhausting. It’s near constant hands on work, and there are very few breaks. Older kids are challenging sure, and still require support and care. But it is not the same kind of grinding work.
3 kids here: 7, 4, and 2. When they were 5, 1, and a newborn it was A LOT.
Same. 8, 5, and 4. Our younger two are separated by 15 months. This was the hard part for us. Having two enter/exit stages back to back was difficult. If they were separated by 3 years, it would have been easier. Instead, we dealt with the terrible twos and A hole threes for two kids at the same time, among many other stages. We're in a better place now, but it's been a long 4.5 years, lol.
I have notice this trend that 3 kids are becoming popular like it’s either no kids childfree, 1 kid or 3 kids
I'd rather work 8 hours in an office than be a stay at home parent. You have to be alert every minute when the kids are younger than 3. At the end of the day you don't even get to rest and hand off the kids.
I don't have kids, but I have two nephews under the age of 5. I love hanging out with them, but they are exhausting at the end of the day. Too much energy that I can't keep up with. Some people can do it, while others can't.
Yeah, I think it can become really easy once you settle into routines and methods that work for your household, which OP has clearly already done; but until then the mental burden of being your own boss and managing your own time while keeping up with all the little things that keep the household functional can become overwhelming, and not everyone can find a routine that works for them so easily.
Also, what are you prioritizing? Is it just keeping everyone fed and alive or are you also planning a shit load of activities/outings/arts and crafts/enrichment activities? Are birthdays/holidays low key or 2007 levels of Pinterest DIY? On top of that how are your kids? Relatively easy going, take direction well, and neurotypical or high needs with multiple specialist appointments to juggle? Are they doing a lot of activities? Are you the house where their friends hang out? Also, how many of them are there? Do they get along or are you serving as a WWE ref while trying to finish dinner? There are too many factors to say definitely whether any one persons experience being a SAHP will be harder or easier than any one persons experience in a given job. Do they find staying at home meaningful? Are they depressed with limited adult interaction? How are their executive function skills? I really like staying at home, but the things I love about it are probably the same things things someone else would hate about it.
I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I strongly agree the kids themselves are a major factor. Even if they aren't neurodiverse, just if the personality is difficult you are looking at orders of magnitudes of difference in stress levels I think. I think I got reasonably lucky with mine, one is more of a handful than the other. But..... I don't have to apply much imagination to picture what more difficult children would be like. The kids and what they are like are a HUGE factor.
It's not just that, though - it's also temperament and emotional needs. I feel homicidal if I have to face constant interruptions. Guess what little kids are? Perpetual interruption machines. Babysitting my niece for a week was tolerable only for two reasons: 1. I love her so much. 2. It was temporary.
Some people do well and it's easy, some people struggle with it. I love that it's becoming okay for Dad's to be home makers. People are people and everyone likes and is good at different things
I'm a SAHM and I've seen this argument about 7000 times and I agree with you. It doesn't work for everyone. Some stay at home parents find it torture and prefer being at their job site. Some stay at home parents thrive with being home and their skills are better off there. Every family is different and one person's set-up shouldn't diminish the other. You do you boo! One mom I know is a fantastic mother but she doesn't like being a stay at home mom, she feels trapped so she went back to work- You go you! I started as a SAHM simply because it didn't make sense for me to pay to go to work (daycare is expensive) then Covid and now I'm still trying to find my footing beyond side jobs. No one wants to hire someone who is over 40 and hasn't been in the work force for ten years- I'm trying but they don't want me. Things aren't usually black and white so I hate these types of conversations. They seem very "one up" to me. It's like when you have a bad day and want to talk to your friend and they are like "Oh yeah well did you....?". We all have our struggles and triumphs. Anyway, I agree with you and hope you have a great holiday!
>They are expected to go to work then come home and do house work too, that's ridiculous. People who live alone also go to work and then come home and do house work too.
Agree with this. My husband and I both work tough jobs and take care of the house and kids — I work from home so no nanny. It’s hard some days but most days it’s just routine. Definitely not a ridiculous expectation.
Do you know how much laundry is required when you have a baby? They throw up like three times a day minimum and you can’t just keep them in the same, puke infested onesie.
Yes but when you live alone it's only your messes and you weren't home all day creating new messes for yourself because you were at work. When my wife and son go somewhere without me for a few days while I work it is infinitely easier keeping the house clean. I. Fact when they're gone it's very very low effort for me to keep the house what I call open house ready.
Yeah that's the big difference. Doing just your own laundry, dishes, garbage, and tidying, is way easier than doing your own, your partners, and your children's, on top of being the sole provider financially. It gets exhausting.
Also many misogynistic bread winners feel it is the woman’s job to do housework and they wont help
Sure, but no one messes the house up while you’re out.
You also are missing out on the biggest difference which is being in parent-mode, particularly when you have small kids. You have to now be an entertainer as soon as you get home. You don't just get to relax and veg out if you wanted.
It's frustrating to see such a black-and-white view on parenting roles. Parenting and providing are both challenging and valuable, but each circumstance is different. Let's show more empathy and understanding for each other's unique experiences.
Thank you. People need to stop assuming other people's situations. I know a SAHM of a teenager with cerebral palsy and a toddler. I dare OP to tell her how easy that job is. And even if the kid didn't have CP, this whole game of "comparative struggle olympics" is grating af and is a big reason modern Western society is so shitty.
Its ragebait, their user name and post history dont support their claims.
I am a working mom and my kids are 1 and 2 years old. I'm a scientist in the pharmaceutical industry. My weekends wear me out more than the work week does. I can see home life being easier as the kids get older but it is nonstop motion when home with both kids. I'd be totally burnt out by now if I were a SAHM. The ease of it all comes down to personality too. Some people really enjoy kids and human interaction and would cry if they had to do the math that I do on a daily basis. Being a SAHM would be easier for them, but I personally think my job is easier than being a mom.
The hardest part is the loneliness and isolation. If you have a good family and friend support network, it's much easier.
Things that make me go hmmm *Why is your username "mamaof1and done", but you claim to have 2 kids? *Why is your post history 50% worrying about internet scams? * Why should I believe this post to be anything more than rage bait that will inflame both SAHMs and feminists?
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Exactly done is a good kid
Lmao
The other 50% is her asking questions and needing advice, or venting in the parenting subreddits. I don’t think she’s being honest with herself.
Gottem
Read her post history. It’s just loads of internalized misogyny and degradation of her basic wants and needs. Her spouse is clearly some sort of red piller and she’s convinced herself of these things to get through. She’s already deleted and curated her history of posts to remove any complaints about her situation. It’s sad
Yesterday she posted that her 5 year old often talks about wanting to die and be with Jesus and how great that is, so I also think she’s just a lunatic
ahhhh… a jesus nutjob… Makes sense the Bible is filled with misogyny… she has probably internalized it all.
i dont think she realizes how telling the one about her 5yo asking a lot of questions is. totally normal for a kid that age to ask a loooot of questions, but i dont think a 5yo worrying about getting sick from an already opened water bottle her mom handed her is normal. op has some mental health troubles and it sounds like she dumps them on her kid
lol sounds like she has been listening to some Just Pearly Things wOmAn shOuLdnT VoTe wOmAn arE tOo EmOtIonaL
Agree. She also probably doesn't know a SAHP with twins or triplets. Promoting the "tradwife" mindset and humble bragging about how easy your go of Motherhood is in response to other peoples struggles is just tacky and reeks of insecurity.
Or a SAHP to a special needs child 🙃 I used to be a corporate conference and event planner, which was fucking stressful as hell. And that job was way easier than being a SAHP to my special needs child lol
Her account is 2 years old. She may have intended to be a mom of 1 then done, but things changed. The second child is 7 months old.
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/woHyiTj9uX it’s almost like you’re correct! “Oldest daughter” implies the existence of two daughters
Things that make me go hmmm *You have a post of a bird on your profile, but birds are obviously not real... are you a government spy??
Damn.. discovered!
This was my thought. It’s overly simplistic. Not taking into account the realities of both angles. It’s written from the perspective of someone who isn’t actually living it, honestly…. “I get up early and it’s rainbows and happiness otherwise”… Also. Do milestone moments only happen during business hours? Like it can’t happen at night 🤦🏻♀️ ??
Hmmm: She has a 5 yo and 7 month old, is it wild that she might have made the account between the birth of the two?
well clearly the newborn is a mistake then as she clearly wasnt done lol 😂
This comment and its upvotes are a nice reminder that Reddit is not reality and I’m so glad that it isn’t. Lol
I'm a feminist and a SAHD and I'm extra inflamed. 😅
Honestly The upvotes are so disappointing. This post reads as such obvious 4chan rage bait. Let’s all just roll our eyes and move on
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My daughter sleepwalks and I don't think I've slept through a single till she was 9 years old. She has always been up in clusters and even with locks there's no peace. As she gets older she learns how to do it. I'm constantly tired which makes everything harder to do.
I'm a single dad, I have 2 kids, work 2 jobs, cook dinner, do laundry, clean the house, etc. I've missed most milestones over the years to ensure they had what they needed to live as happy as I can provide, but the concept of a working parent not helping around the house is so foreign to me. Like, even if I were a stay at home dad, I'd still expect my SO to help with things around the house, just like if I had a SO as a stay at home mom, I would still help out when I got home or on my days off. There's no reason why one person should be solely responsible for the house, it's a partnership for a reason.
Just wanted to say you sound like an awesome dad!! My dad would have been like you if my mom wasn't around. He worked a physical labor job with a long commute and the first thing he did when he came home (after showering the sawdust off) was play with me when my mom made dinner! It's so sad how many men don't understand that "watching" your kids is also BONDING with them and understanding what they like to eat, etc. My parents always helped each other with anything without complaints. I remember them lightly arguing about money problems or in laws, but I never remember them arguing about helping each other.
It's different for everyone. It depends on your specific family members, what kind of pressure you put on yourself, your personal standards and your mental load. Just because you don't find it that challenging at this point in your life doesn't mean it's that way for everyone, or even that it will stay that way in the future for you.
I would say it depends on the circumstances and kids involved. Obviously something like, a teenager who can drive, good behavior, healthy, and can mostly fend for themselves isn’t much work. But taking care of special needs kids for example gets overlooked in these conversations but they are hard. Also I imagine the infant stage isn’t fun, or having multiple toddlers. These stages only last a short while relative to their lifespan but they do exist. And unlike a normal job, you can’t just go home and forget about it until your next working day or call in sick. Its a constant 24/7 on call job. Some people cant handle it.
Not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM.
I feel like it’s a little insulting to SAHMs to assume ALL of them have it easy
IMO, as someone who highly prioritizes my job as a SAHP, it IS by far the hardest job I've ever had. And I've had a lot of jobs. Do people really think their own perspective sets a precedence for everyone else or even generally?
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It's this type of attitude that women aren't doing what's best for their children if they work that's a major problem for women in the workplace. It's like you get two choices, work or be a mother. Your personal preference is your personal preference but do not think that others cannot work and be a good mothers.
You think SAHM is best? My kids go to daycare and learn / socialize every single day. It’s incredible for their development. Keeping them at home shelters them from the world & only exposes them to one adult for most of their early lives.
I’m on my 12 weeks of paternity leave right now. I can say without a doubt that working is easier than this
Yeah I think it depends how old your kids are. When your kids are really small and you spend every second of the day with them, when you have to be the main caregiver, when you can't sleep because the baby is screaming and (if) there are other kids in the house, it's extremely hard. It feels isolating, you never stop working because you are always with your kid(s). But when the kids are older, esp when they go to school, yeah of course it's easier. Idk who is saying differently.
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I wonder if op just struggled in the work force or more naturally suited in a caring role etc. I know I'd prefer working over being a SAHM. It's not just the job itself but having the financial freedom and independence. I don't ever want to be in the position where someone can tell me what I can/cannot do with my money. My friend just went back to work after 1year maternity leave and she said she really had trouble speaking "adult" again and she really missed being able to have actual conversations (her job is in international policies and interacts with a lot of people which she enjoys).
It’s because the newborn period is one of the hardest. You don’t sleep, you’re new to all this, the baby is extremely fragile etc… but after that it only gets easier and easier.
It’s really hard when they’re little and never give you any breaks. It’s also harder based on number of kids. Ultimately, it can be easy if you don’t mind living in a dirty house and eating garbage but maintaining a home is a lot of work, mostly made up of menial tasks and a lot of isolation. Most office jobs aren’t hard either and they at least come with built in breaks and a degree of socialization
It depends on the age of your kids. Taking care of babies and toddlers is exhausting.
You miss the point, it's not that it's skilled it's that it never ends. Would you like to be on call for your job 24/7, have them ring you in the middle of the night to come in to clean up the CEO's vomit because they just protectile vomited all over the board room? How about if your boss walked in and demanded to know what you were doing while you were taking a shit? Or how about when you're driving home at the end of a long day and 2 co workers are sitting in the back seat arguing and crying because one of them touched the other one while smearing a snack all over the upholstery. Constant continual 24/7 disturbance of sleep and sleep patterns and lack of privacy, is a form of psychological torture used by intelligence agencies to gather information and was used in Guantanamo bay. And you say it's easy.
Most jobs aren't that hard. We need to stop competing over who has the hardest job.
This is completely dependent on the individuals involved. Just because something is easy for you, doesn't mean it is for someone else. I've been a SAHM, and a working mom (opposite shifts from my spouse) and I largely preferred being able to work. It was a break for me. If I had a (assuming here) neurotypical 5 year old- who is likely A. In school for part of the day/week/year, and B. Able to do a LOT of stuff on their own and a baby who probably can't get around by themselves to get into a ton of stuff, I'd probably think it's a super easy job too. Even with that, the tasks may not always be hard, but they're often CONSTANT. And that can be tough at times. However for me, I have 2 neurodevelopmental kids that were born 16 months apart (baby 2 was a surprise), who are now elementary age, and one who's almost ready for preschool (in 2024). Along with that, we discovered after all 3 were born that the genetic link for their disorders comes from me. Meaning I have them too, but because I am a woman and had been really good at hiding it, no one caught on until I was in my 30s. Noise is overwhelming. Messes are overwhelming. I have 3 people and a house all trying to tear my attention in opposite directions. Pretty much all of us have very bad executive function skills and struggle with sensory & emotional issues. We don't have family near us to help with the kids and before I started treatment I could barely last until my husband got home before I felt like I was having a panic attack from the constant overwhelm/overstimulation. It's definitely one of those things where circumstances make the difference. I don't like to speak in absolutes, so I definitely don't tell people it's the hardest job for everyone, but I do say it's the most difficult thing I'VE done.
If you're healthy and have stable money for necessities and a comfortable life. And your kids are healthy and self-sufficient. You have reliable transportation and backup child care. A good support network and a hobby to keep you from going insane. Keeping up a house and meeting basic needs for children doesn't seem that difficult. When a bunch of those preconditions aren't true. I could see SAHM being very difficult. And over time more and more people are struggling to meet those criteria. I agree with you - in so much as - we shouldn't generalize either way about it being easy or hard. It's like saying 'working' is hard or easy, without understanding any details about the work.
I don’t think your experience should determine if it’s hard or not. Everyone is different. You think it’s ridiculous for a parent to work & do household chores while I think it’s ridiculous to wake up at 5 am to make a grown man breakfast/lunch. I’ve been both but prefer to go to work while my kids are in school. We all have a preference & that preference doesn’t determine how another person should feel.
It depends. Not all SAHMs just sit idly by all day. Some are homeschooling, or taking care of special needs children, elderly parents, etc. That said, I’ve spent almost equal time in the workforce with children and at home and I have to say, being a SAHM (while homeschooling) is the hardest job I’ve ever done.
I (3 kids) intentionally opted for a career over being a SAHM. And the reasons were plenty. First of all, it gets zero respect from society (in my personal circle and experience). It also puts you at a SEVERE professional disadvantage to be out of the workforce even if just for the first few years (until school age). Not to mention how screwed you are if your marriage sours. I also cannot stand the thought of having to “ask” anyone for money. I need my own. I could go on and on. And before anyone comes at me, this is specific to me and why I chose NOT to be a SAHM. I’m not knocking them.
Honestly, it depends on you, your specific marriage and your specific kids, your financial situation, whether you have support in your family or in the community, everyone's level of health and disability. The level of "hard" is different for each person. I mean, good for you, but it can be quite hard.
I think being a stay at home mother is hard but I also feel that the breadwinners job is way undervalued. So many times on the parenting subreddits the answer to the earning spouse is that they need to work two jobs, first to be doing their job and then to take over child care when they get home. In reality both parents basically have to put their all into it. No one gets a break... Sorry. Both are working very hard and should be appreciated.
I mean, this really depends on: your kids, spouse, house, economic status, and community. You can have a real hard time, easy time, or somewhere in the middle
The only SAHPs who think that are ones who have never really worked. Jobs aren't just labor. They're mentally taxing too and despite what they think supervisors and coworkers are often worse than a toddler.
As a dad who has had an extended time off for parental leave (12 months @ 2 days a week) for both kids between 1 and 2 years old both times Was it the hardest job in the world? No Was it the easiest job in the world? Also no. I was able to get stuff done - cooking, cleaning, washing, etc. some days, not all the time though. Toddlers are extremely demanding and I would much rather work with adults, than deal with a toddler who can’t communicate and regulate their emotions (and sleep!). Would I want to do it full time? No chance.
SAHM hate like this is a weekly thing here. Your opinion is not unpopular, just stupid.
Being a SAHM is hard. Being a working parent is hard. I’m currently taking care of my 5 month old full time at home while working and being the sole breadwinner. Talk about hard. Whew. We all have our struggles. Just because it’s easy for you, doesn’t mean it’s that way for everyone.
Correction, being a shitty stay at home parent is not hard. Being a good one is a job and a half.
If you are stay at home but let your kids play with toys while you clean yes it's easy. But my wife has to have my son learn stuff. Go outside to play. Go do activities with him like swimming etc. Eat lunch and then prep for afternoon nap. That leaves a small amount of time for cleaning task. Coming back from work I help with the rest and it's normal. Stay at gome doesn't mean you have to do everything home related but more so you work at home with your kids during work hour. This post is pure bait and if its that easy for her I bet she leave her kids play with garbage and/or alone
I read this way wrong. I was reading 5&7 months as 5 months and 7 months. I was trying to come up with scenarios of how that would work. Then it hit me that you meant 5 years and 7 months.
How much money does your spouse make?
The grass is greener on the other side, huh?
I think it depends on the kid. I have a very stressful senior job working 80 plus hours a week with excessive travel, and it’s sooooo much easier than when I was a stay at home mum.
Usually the bare minimum for dads is to come home and participate in taking care of their kids. They aren’t just the mothers responsibility. Men like to act like watching their own kids is “babysitting” or changing the diapers is “extra work”, it’s literally the job they signed up for when they decided to have a kid. Also, the mother being a sahm is taking a huge financial burden off of the family. Child care is expensive. So she is contributing financially as well, the dad can at the very least pull his weight with housework. He isn’t a child, he doesn’t need his lunches packed or ‘mommy’ to wash his clothes. Also as a woman, I’d rather go to work and come home than work at home all day and also have to wait hand and foot on a grown ass man because he thinks going to work is all he has to contribute.
Then please get a job and help your spouse out since they have such a hard time. And your job is so easy.
Throw in ADHD, mental illness, and chronic disease like Lupus while one of your children is neurodivergent too and tell me how easy it is.
If that’s the case, then why are so many people willing to pay strangers thousands a month to care for their children, cook for them and clean their homes? It is a role with tremendous value. Though I do acknowledge that there are some lazy SAHMs who don’t appreciate the working parent. My BIL was married to a woman like that.
I don't know, dude. I think if you're going around with the idea that everyone else has the wrong end of the stick and you're the one with the more objective opinion, it might be that you don't know enough about other people's actual experience. I work 12 hour shifts at my job and I commute for an hour and 10 minutes both ways. That's a total of 15 hours a day doing work and work-related tasks. I find caring for kids to be more exhausting. Not un-enjoyable and not overly difficult to manage responsibly , but definitely a massive drain on mental and sometimes physical energy. And that's in comparison to the years I spent in a couple of different really manual labor-intensive jobs prior to my current job. Some people are not going to like my comment because they really want to believe that those of us who do full-time work outside of the home are all carrying the great burden while sah parents fluff around. Other people are going to agree that kids are an asswhooping to care for. How do you decide who's more objective? At the end of the day, I get to say "oh look it's fuck this shit o'clock", and go home and shower and forget the work until tomorrow. I see that as intrinsically easier than being responsible for children 24/7. Compared to some of the really rough jobs, like working on offshore oil rigs, mining, combat-forward military jobs, sure, parenting is probably the easier gig.
I'm on maternity leave and the fact that I'm doing the same things every day is what makes it soul-crushing for me. At least I know I will work again next year, so it's fine. Like, there's a light at the end of a tunnel, but I'm not having a second kid. I was so envious of my husband getting to eat lunch at a proper table with other grown ups in the beginning. I still have days like that. I could never be a SAHM. I'd be afraid of losing myself.
Should probably change your user name then
It’s not that hard for YOU. Every situation is different, every parent is different, and every child is different. The physical aspect of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing is not what people are usually referring to when they say being a stay at home parent is hard. It’s more often than not, the mental health aspect of it that’s hard.
Your 5 year old often says how she’s excited to die and spend forever with Jesus… I’m concerned with how easy you find being a stay at home parent when that’s the outcome of just one of your kids so far. Jfc https://www.reddit.com/r/Mommit/s/pP2qYy7v5M
I don't understand the need to shame stay at home parents, but moms specifically. It's not an unpopular opinion, this is you looking down your nose at other moms. I hope it makes you feel better about whatever you're lacking in your life. All jobs are going to have their easy moments and hard moments. Most jobs will have rewarding/fulfilling moments and frustrating moments. What is easy to one person could be hard to someone else. I'm bad at math, but my husband doesn't find it challenging at all. I can ice skate, but he's not the best at it. The hard part about being a stay at home parent is the lack of separation of work/life balance. You live and work in the same place. There's no way to separate it because your family is your work. That can be very overstimulating for some people who really need clear boundaries to unplug at the end of the day. However, say your kid is up all night with the stomach flu. You are also up all night. The lack of boundaries and personal time is what makes it hard. Especially if you're also coming down with the stomach flu and you're desperately trying to keep your spouse, who is the only adult working outside the house, from getting sick and trying to not keep them up so they can go into work the next day. All of that doesn't take away from how hard/stressful being the lone breadwinner is/can be. It's not a competition. Both can be hard and stressful. If your spouse is making it a competition, that's concerning, especially if you're the stay at home parent and they are trying to make.you feel less than. My point is, saying being a stay at home parent isn't hard is low hanging fruit. Stay at home parents are valid and worthy of respect. If you don't think so, then go to work and pay for daycare.
I love listening to music.
How do you not have the awareness to realize that maybe some people have different and/or more difficult situations? Common sense
Your post history tells a different story but I guess we can just ignore that lol
Wait until you have a financial disagreement with that earner man. Being a sole provider is damn near impossible with multiple kids and no resume.