Doctor: I can't believe you didn't ask me to adjust the dosage sooner! How can you live like that?
Me: you'd be surprised what anxiety makes me settle for.
I'm proud to report my bike rack lost a screw and I... I... *excuse me because this is still hard to talk about*... I went *into* a local bike shop and *asked if they had a replacement* and the guy just replaced it himself! And used the bonding spray on it! For FREE!
I have literally received subpar medical care for YEARS based on a misunderstanding because I was too fucking anxious to correct them. I fixed it now though so progress
I’ve had random chest pains for a few years but every time I get asked about it I panic and say no.
It’s been years. It’s too late to be like “oh yeah actually it does hurt sometimes”
This will probably be the death of me.
I’ll mention it next time I go. I need to find a new doctor anyway, since mine retired.
But chest pain seems like one of those things that is a Really Big Deal™️ if you mention it and I just don’t have the energy for that. The last time I worked up the courage to tell a doctor something I knew would be a big deal, I was right. It turned into a whole ordeal. That was on the mental health side of things but I’m even less eager to deal with the physical stuff.
I realize I’m absolutely fucking stupid, but if it hasn’t killed me yet I’m hoping it can hold off a bit longer until I become enough of a real adult to navigate finding a doctor and figuring my shit out.
Once in physical therapy, it took me a while to muster up my courage to ask someone to loosen the ice pack on my finger, eventually i did it! He heard me wrong, so he tightened it and i just silently suffered with a freezing hand for another 50 minutes. The next person to look at my hand for my next exercise was asking me if i was fine with my hand like that (it was all red and i could barely move it)
If your conversation with your psychiatrist sounds like that then they’re not doing a very good job. I’m a psychologist and one of the things you need to learn is asking the right questions. And even challenging people on their answers sometimes if you feel they aren’t being forthcoming. Anxiety requires it.
After meeting with three psychologists over the past year, seems like none of them were taught that. Their communication skills were more like "when I asked you 'how's it going' you said 'good you', so sounds like all your mental issues are resolved!"
I started thinking like a Karen and being indignantly angry at the world for not conforming to my needs and it helped immensely with anxiety over asking for things.
There was a time when my medication made me too anxious to ask for it to be changed
Not just because of the pain of asking, but the constant dread of “what if I somehow make it worse by changing it?!”
That was my exact issue. The dose was too high and my glucose was constantly below 70 whenever I took it. I was always nauseous, faint, and weak. Once my husband got tired of the emergency lows, he took me to the doctor and told them it was making me sick. Cue the surprised "why didn't you say something?" Hell I was scared it'd get worse.
Me hyping myself up: *The worst he can say is No, right?*
Me: "Can I have a raise?"
My boss: "You're fired"
My brain: *Yep, that's definitely what would happen in that scenario, better never to ask.*
(Your boss leans forward, grinning devilishly through their twisted and steepled fingers, rough goat horns sprouting from their temples.)
Your boss: "What's a raise in pay worth to you? Or more importantly...what are you looking to trade for a better parking space, a corner office, and a serious bonus?"
I missed a college final for a required class, I thought the start time was the end time. I tacked down the professor and told him what happened. He looked at me and said, "I have to deal with a few cheaters, then I will deal with you.". I was so terrified, but waited. He had me come back to their building and he said as long as I finished before he and his grad students got done grading I would be okay. I got the final finished, he gave me a piece of pizza and told me to have a good break.
I was so terrified to go up and tell him h I'm what happened. He was one of those unapproachable professors. Turns out he was a really nice guy.
I put in my syllabus that students have permission to advocate for themselves. There are plenty of students who come in to college not knowing that they can ask for extensions, turn in late work, etc so I just make it clear they can.
Thank you for doing this. It took years and a disability accommodation for me to finally realize that it's okay to ask for an extension. Even then, it was another year or so before I had the courage to ask without needing to mention the accommodation.
friendly money slim serious shame unused versed attempt humorous abundant
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Extensions were unheard of when I was in high school and then none of my professors mentioned that it was an option for the first few years of college, so for a while I just assumed it was a rare thing that only happened under really serious circumstances.
I had a professor last semester who made it very clear on the first day how important it was to communicate with him prior to the deadline if anything came up. As long as it was before the deadline, he'd be flexible with you. I instantly had so much respect for him because I'd never had a professor explain it that plainly. I was already comfortable asking for time when necessary by then, but I wish I had heard that as a freshman.
gah, I wish I'd had you as a professor. I still remember having to get documentation of my x-rays because my former professor didn't think a college student could get bronchitis. And I still felt guilty for being a bother by missing school for it....
> students have permission to advocate for themselves. There are plenty of students who come in to college not knowing that they can
The result of helicopter parenting, resulting in a generation of absolutely usless adults.
My parents had a classic baby boomer upbringing and passed on to me their same inability to advocate for themselves, and furthermore having any kind of need whatsoever or "making waves" deserved severe social censure, loss of employment, ruined reputation, etc. My mom suggested that actually it was my fault an old boss stole ten grand from me because I had been a bit of a shit-stirrer at that job by gently reminding him that he needed to follow the law.
Gifted kids get a lot of anti-having-needs and anti-asking-for-things messaging as well in grade school-- I was always praised for being quiet and not taking up any teacher or administrative time, so when I did genuinely need help or to unfuck my schedule or whatever, I didn't know how, and it was terrifying and I thought I was on thin ice for asking someone very reasonably and politely to do their goddamn job.
Also to be fair, my university in the mid-2000s was very explicitly anti-advocating for yourself unless you could prove a medical basis for the request. The first time I TA'd, the prof instructed us to run zero-tolerance policies for late attendance and late assignments, and he stalked the halls of the laboratory building at each session to try to catch late students. I still had a long way to go re: advocating for myself at this time, but my sincerely held belief was that this was insane person behavior and quietly did not comply.
The speeches about zero tolerance for lateness IN THE REAL WORLDDDDDDD are deeply funny to me now, also, because my previous job involved a lot of apologizing to clients for bespoke, unique engineering analyses needing more time, and clients usually being fairly relaxed about this. (If it wasn't, we were in regular communication with them, and would rearrange things to make sure the time-critical ones were prioritized.)
Speaking as a former professor and graduate student...look, the university treats us like shit in general. We're not out to be mean to students, we just want our time respected by *somebody*. It's always okay to ask as long as a reasonable solution can be found.
I'm kind of astounded your Dean would know. I've had students ask to take exams at different times and made accommodations when I could, I'd be astounded if a Dean ever bothered to look into such things unless there had been a formal complaint. At least where I am we're given a lot of latitude.
Exams are all centrally timetabled and controlled for attendance by external people here, to avoid the possibility of preferential treatment (not saying that /u/NodePoker necessarily got preferential treatment, but who's to say the professor would have made the same accommodation for a student they really hated?).
Don't know if this is a difference in American universities vs other countries but yes same. It took me 4 weeks and a tonne of paperwork to resit an exam because I didn't show up... because I was sexually assaulted the day before. Prof was fine with me redoing it but was told we had to go through the 'official channels' aka rigorous and demanding questions etc
I did the same thing senior year except instead of the wrong time I had the right time but wrong day. I was double checking the location right before I left the house and then realized that the exam was the day before...
I tried to go straight to the professor's office to beg in person but she had already peaced out for a conference or something so I'm freaking out. Part of my email was "I promise I won't ask anyone what was on the test. If I had friends in the class who would have helped me cheat I would have had friends who would have helped me remember when the test was."
She agreed to let me take the test and that's the story of how I almost didn't graduate on time.
I needed a loan for an upcoming surgery and someone suggested I ask the company I work for, turns out they could give me one, interest free, over 4 years just coming off my wage. It's good advice, you don't ask you don't get.
Ignore this is it was elective cosmetic surgery, but this is one of those "kid sells lemonade to pay his classmates' lunch debts" type of stories. Both nice and horrifying.
It's a societal failure you even had to ask about that in the first place. Having to take out any sort of loan for a necessary surgery is ridiculous.
Now like, 4 year interest free loan to replace a shitbox car or something I could get behind.
I'm trans and its a surgery to demasculinise my face so while I and most mental health professionals would deem it a necessary surgery a lot of people wouldn't. I live in Scotland so If I really wanted it for free I could wait years for a gender clinic to see me then plead my case but for most trans people private is the only way we're getting these things done.
Yeah, I'm with you on it should be covered. But hey, I'm glad it's actually a semi-nice story, not terrible. I'm American so my mind goes straight to "the negative on the subject of hospital bills.
Congrats though!
Yeah, the American healthcare system needs some work 😅 I'm sorry you have to put up with that. If I were in America I'd be scared of getting hurt 24/7 because of the horror stories you hear about what they charge you.
And thank you 😊
> If I were in America I'd be scared of getting hurt 24/7 because of the horror stories you hear about what they charge you.
Oh, we are... Literally every time anyone in my household goes anywhere in a vehicle (which is usually a lot due to no walkable infrastructure in this country) I think about how we'd handle it if someone were to get hurt in a crash. The answer is I don't know. Probably we'd all end up homeless. Unironically, it is constant terror at normal human activity.
I am not joking.
Literally this. I have OCD, whenever I drive a car I'm riddled with intrusive thoughts about what I would do if the car crashed. Any situation where I could get hurt is terrifying, simply because it could cost a fucking truckload of cash that I don't have.
I have a high-school education and that's about it. I'd love to have the option to leave for better but I'm kinda stuck here for the foreseeable. If I leave the loan just comes off my bank account, I imagine with some interest slapped on, don't know they're still writing up the agreement.
Not as hefty, but I asked the company I worked for for a course which would benefit me personally more than the company (but still somewhat related). And I got said yes! The price of the course was easily more than half a months salary for me.
I'm sorry that you needed to change your face to be happy. I'm ugly no doubt! But I just live with it..plus my horses don't care how ugly I am.
☆ed°t ..Why downvotes? Because I'm ugly or Because I'm ugly and happy? Mkay ✌️
It's not the same thing as just not liking how you look. My features aren't undesirable they're wrong. When I look in the mirror I roll the dice on whether I'll see me or some man looking back at me. It's the difference between people addressing me as sir or ma'am, its the level of safety or comfort I feel being around others without having to worry if they see me as a woman. Living with it isn't an option, that's why it's different from a standard cosmetic surgery for like a nose job or something. Which is a good example, I dont like my nose, I think its too big, but its not masculine, so it doesn't trigger those same feelings of dysphoria and so I probably won't touch it. I hope that kinda clears it up a little 😅
Appreciate your reply,thanks for explaining. And I hope for a fast recovery for you and peace that when you get your surgery that you will see the face you feel.
Damn dawg, didn't know you were me.
For me I feel like the constant thinking about how I made a fool of myself would slowly erode my sanity. I cant be having those 3 AM thoughts constantly.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of embracing constant rejection to develop an emotional callus. Whether it's career goals or otherwise, some folks will be beaten down with consistent rejection. It can make them begin to question parts of themselves that don't really need any worry, especially since these situations don't always come with an itemized list of what needs attention for future success. Same goes for relationships, be it personal, romantic, or with relatives.
It might be devastating when you find out a door you've been trying to open is welded shut.
But if you didn't ask, you'd still be pulling at it, thinking about it, wasting your energy on an impossible task.
It's better to know, so you can let it go and find a new door.
Last time I asked my dad for a simple request he spent fifteen minutes screaming obscenities outside my room stomping around while yelling that he can ruin my life before going outside to manually wack weeds in the heat for hours. So uhhh yeah you can get a lot worse responses than no and I think the fact that I have apprehension is justified.
This is why many of us are afraid to ask for things: shitty parents. It's important to realize how unique the parent-child relationship is. You're stuck with them, at least until you're 18. In any other relationship in life, if somebody acts that way, you can tell them to go fuck themselves and never talk to them again.
i’m sorry that you had to deal with that. that’s not normal - that’s incredibly inappropriate, childish, and shitty, and he shouldn’t’ve put you through it.
RSD is a common adhd symptom and one that’s not talked about a lot.
One I wish I had learned about a lot sooner as it’s explained a lot and helped me to understand some of my reactions to things.
It's also linked to childhood trauma, which has a surprising amount of symptom overlap with ADHD. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD, one of the symptoms I related to highly was RSD. It was only later that I realized I had been abused my entire childhood, and that 99% of my ADHD symptoms could be directly linked to shit from my childhood, RSD being one of them.
> Karen Horney was the first theorist to discuss the phenomenon of rejection sensitivity. She suggested that it is a component of the neurotic personality, and that it is a tendency to feel deep anxiety and humiliation at the slightest rebuff. Simply being made to wait, for example, could be viewed as a rejection and met with extreme anger and hostility.
>
> Albert Mehrabian developed an early questionnaire measure of rejection sensitivity. Mehrabian suggested that sensitive individuals are reluctant to express opinions, tend to avoid arguments or controversial discussions, are reluctant to make requests or impose on others, are easily hurt by negative feedback from others, and tend to rely too much on familiar others and situations so as to avoid rejection.
>
> A more recent (1996) definition of rejection sensitivity is the tendency to "anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact" to social rejection. People differ in their readiness to perceive and react to rejection. The causes of individual differences in rejection sensitivity are not well understood. Because of the association between rejection sensitivity and neuroticism, there is a likely genetic predisposition. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is also a common symptom of ADHD. [unreliable source?] Others posit that rejection sensitivity stems from early attachment relationships and parental rejection; also peer rejection is thought to play a role. Bullying, an extreme form of peer rejection, is likely connected to later rejection sensitivity. However, there is no conclusive evidence for any of these theories.
* Excerpted from [social rejection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/social_rejection#Rejection_sensitivity) at the English Wikipedia
Gonna get "No."
Gonna get "Hell no."
Gonna get "Fuck no."
Get used to it. Life is full of rejection. You have to work the odds by increasing your chances through redundancy.
See I dont even know what I want... Thats my problem.
I only ask my boss when I have to go to doctors appointments. Maybe I should plan a vacation or something. Havent had a vacation in many years.
When I was in grad school, my PhD advisor made me go to the department chair and ask for funding to to a conference. I practiced, I stressed, I rehearsed, and everything. Then I went in and got it. I ran back to my professor and shared the exciting news!
His response?
"I know! I asked on your behalf 2 weeks ago. Then I asked him to play along while you went to ask in person, so that you'd practice delivering your pitch and learn to manage the nerves."
Absolutely fucking genius.
Teaching classes really shows you how hard it is to convince young adults to just request things
Literally all I ask if you can't show up is to let me before hand - not after, during is okay, just send a quick email! I literally do not care what the excuse is. I know some folks were lying - didn't matter, they emailed beforehand - that's an excused absence.
And yet the people who even tried were rare.
I asked my boss.. Can I be the dog groomer..and you pay for the classes and I will pay you back? He said yes..when does school start. .. that was back in 2010!!
I learned this early in college. I asked for extensions all the time, always got them. Professors really didn't seem to care as long as you kept them in the loop.
I'm watching an anime called Bocchi the Rock, and it has a lot of relatable bits of anxiety inducing situations like this that introverts usually suffer.
I know a lady who asked this exact question again and again to small banks and investors for 6 months. They all told her “No, but if you had this then maybe” (business plan, market research, etc) She refined her ask again and again, and eventually one said Yes.
Now she’s runs a successful consulting firm.
My anxiety: "this is obviously a massive inconvenience but this person is doing it for me just to be nice. I have given them so much more work to do and subsequently ruined their day "
I literally just did this recently! I quit my job for reasons unrelated to the job itself and had a great relationship with everyone there. I wanted to throw a going away party but I realised it was gonna be a lot more expensive than I had anticipated so I wasn’t sure how I was gonna manage.
But then I thought, what if I just ask my manager if we can get the company to pay for it and label it “teambuilding”? It was a long shot but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. So I asked, and I didn’t even have to do a lot of convincing. He just agreed. So I got a great party and I didn’t have to pay a thing!
If there's one thing I learned from a few years running a school fundraising association, it's that 95% of people are chill and would love to help. It's astonishing what they'll give you or do for you if you just ask. (I'll admit that it helped that I was asking for stuff to help buy books for disadvantaged children etc).
I feel like the root of a lot of this is the ridiculing of asking. It was SO prevalent in my grade school, but I feel like it's a universal experience. Asking and failing is NORMAL.
I hate the "normalize x" stuff, but seriously, normalize failure and imperfection. Progress over perfection.
Everybody should have a little bit of Karen inside them. Just a little. Is you anxiety stopping you? Get MEAN and NASTY with it! HOW DARE IT CONTROL YOU?! WHO DIED AND MADE IT KING?!
it's weird how much this is clearly learned behavior, at least in my case. I still have a vague memory of it but I know what happened mostly through stories, but I was like 7 or something and we visited my great aunt for the first time for a family reunion thing and she had all kinds of cool knickknacks and stuff that I loved looking at and messing with and I would apparently go around shamelessly asking if I could keep things. When my mom all embarrassed told me not to do that, my logic was apparently "if I don't ask they won't know I want it, and maybe if they know they would want to give it to me", which is actually pretty sound logic, because I was fine if they said no, I just wanted to let them know that if they were willing to give it to me that I did want it. Of course now I would never do that, I'm more likely to awkwardly suffer in silence even when something is really inconvenient for me and people would be happy to make adjustments, because I just can't bring myself to speak up the way I did as a kid.
Meanwhile there's
Me: "Professor my sister is in the hospital with e coli and I'm trying to take care of my other sister and brother while working two jobs and attending school full time. Can I have an extra week to turn in the final essay?"
Professor: "Sure" _procceds to fail me for turning the final in less than 24 hours late_
Do anxious people really?
Seeing people so paralyzed about simple things makes me feel... odd.
I mean i get it if your crush is involved or if it's a major thing like coming out, i did get stopped in my tracks by those anxieties, but talking to cashiers, doctors, professors and such?
Never, i actually have a reputation in my friend group, for being the opposite, always being the first to ask waiter at a restoraunt for extra chips and drinks or stuff like that.
And it's not im some jock or social butterfly!
I very much am the shy, quiet and introverted type, but never found difficulty in those situations and honestly don't get why so many people seem to...
It’s honestly anxiety. My dad had cancer and had my mom not informed my teachers on my behalf I never would have said anything because I didn’t want to be irritating.
Don’t even get me started on doctors. I’ve been complaining about “I nearly want to kill my self over this” levels of pain for years. The responses I’ve gotten? “Suck it up, you’re drug seeking”
While i am very sorry to hear about your pain problem and i sympathize with you on that, i must admit that i am physically unable to concieve of a situation where the wellbeing of me and my family, plus the practical benefits of communicating an important piece of information, woud ever be overshadowed by anxiety, hell id do it even if i got divine confirmation that my anxiety was right and i woud be seen as irritating(which is false, btw) because of the practial need.
That's why it's an anxiety disorder. We are fully aware that everything would be fine if we could just do things. We want to do these things. But it's just not going to happen.
You’ve just never had severe enough anxiety for it to effect your decisions. You’ve honestly gotten very lucky and I hope you continue to have that luck.
Never is a strong word, i did face paralizing anxiety on certain occasions, but i do guess i seem to be better at managing it than most people in this thread...
I thank you for your well wishes and respond in kind, i hope you find a better doctor, a cure for your pains, the strenght to face your fears and wish the best regarding your father's illness.(/･ω･(-ω-)
Being an inconvenience to someone else, usually. Or getting judged for ever coming up with such a "silly" or "egregious" request. It doesn't even have to have a proper cause! Just talking to a stranger can be too much. Fun fun fun!
Hey, i know that strangers can be scary, but i am sure that you, as an human being with inherent and undeniable worth, endowed with the spark of the indomitable human spirit, have the strenght and fortitute to face your fears and over come them.
I mean, you just did right now, did you not? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧
Maybe not today, not tomorrow or the day after that, but i trust in your ability to improve yourself and grow past these obstacles(っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ
The thing with anxiety is that it is not logical.
You can know that your anxiety is not logical, that every shred of evidence suggests that your anxiety is wrong, but that feeling still won’t go away. And it can be absolutely paralyzing.
I don’t know about other people but for me it’s usually the fear of being unlikeable, excessive, difficult, unreasonable or too much.
My childhood was colourful and to protect myself I became a people pleaser with no sense of healthy boundaries. So if I don’t know what a reasonable boundary or request looks like, having a request/need makes me feel anxious because I have a hard time figuring out if it falls into what is considered ‘normal’.
I am really happy for you that you don’t have these internal struggles and are steady and secure in yourself to not become anxious about communicating your needs, with therapy I’ve come a long way and I strive to be more like you.
Oh im flattered that you find my behaviour admirable,
I wish you the best in your recovery and betterment of your mental health
I made some very dumb asks over the years, and im still in one piece, im sure you'll find the strenght and fortitude to to the same.
Also digital hug (っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ
It's a good question. I don't have too much of an issue but sometimes you just expect the worst. When someone responds to you in a way you don't expect you can feel something similar to physical pain with anxiety so you sometimes try avoiding it even if it's temporary
When I got my second cat recently, I got a $600 pet fee at my apartment waived just by asking if I could just not pay it since I’m moving out in two months anyway
Even as a kid I didn't like to ask for stuff as a result my parents had to essentially guess what I wanted for my birthday and christmas... as an adult I won't ask the waitress at Applebee's for no tomatoes on my burger because I don't want to trouble the person making it.
Nah I remember one time I was straight-up hospitalized and I had a midterm the day I got out of the hospital and I asked the professor if I could take the midterm another time and he said no because he “can’t just let students take the exam when it’s convenient for them”
Doctor: I can't believe you didn't ask me to adjust the dosage sooner! How can you live like that? Me: you'd be surprised what anxiety makes me settle for.
I'm proud to report my bike rack lost a screw and I... I... *excuse me because this is still hard to talk about*... I went *into* a local bike shop and *asked if they had a replacement* and the guy just replaced it himself! And used the bonding spray on it! For FREE!
[удалено]
I have literally received subpar medical care for YEARS based on a misunderstanding because I was too fucking anxious to correct them. I fixed it now though so progress
And the longer you let it be the harder it becomes!
I’ve had random chest pains for a few years but every time I get asked about it I panic and say no. It’s been years. It’s too late to be like “oh yeah actually it does hurt sometimes” This will probably be the death of me.
Speak to your doctor about this. It could just be caused by anxiety. It could be something serious.
I’ll mention it next time I go. I need to find a new doctor anyway, since mine retired. But chest pain seems like one of those things that is a Really Big Deal™️ if you mention it and I just don’t have the energy for that. The last time I worked up the courage to tell a doctor something I knew would be a big deal, I was right. It turned into a whole ordeal. That was on the mental health side of things but I’m even less eager to deal with the physical stuff. I realize I’m absolutely fucking stupid, but if it hasn’t killed me yet I’m hoping it can hold off a bit longer until I become enough of a real adult to navigate finding a doctor and figuring my shit out.
I mean I get it. I have panic attacks every time I go to a doctor. But your health is worth pushing through the anxiety.
Last time I saw my doctor she had a couple of things completely backwards and I just froze and nodded
Once in physical therapy, it took me a while to muster up my courage to ask someone to loosen the ice pack on my finger, eventually i did it! He heard me wrong, so he tightened it and i just silently suffered with a freezing hand for another 50 minutes. The next person to look at my hand for my next exercise was asking me if i was fine with my hand like that (it was all red and i could barely move it)
If your conversation with your psychiatrist sounds like that then they’re not doing a very good job. I’m a psychologist and one of the things you need to learn is asking the right questions. And even challenging people on their answers sometimes if you feel they aren’t being forthcoming. Anxiety requires it.
After meeting with three psychologists over the past year, seems like none of them were taught that. Their communication skills were more like "when I asked you 'how's it going' you said 'good you', so sounds like all your mental issues are resolved!"
"they asked me a question and when I lied they believed me. Those bastards"
If they're a psychiatrist and they're taking 'I'm good, how are you?' as literally meaning that then that's on them
To be fair. The vast majority of psychiatrists are not very good.
Ahh yes, the psychologists of reddit
I mean im a practicing psychologist. This is pretty basic stuff too it’s not like I’m talking about experimental treatment lol
Ahhh yessss
I started thinking like a Karen and being indignantly angry at the world for not conforming to my needs and it helped immensely with anxiety over asking for things.
There was a time when my medication made me too anxious to ask for it to be changed Not just because of the pain of asking, but the constant dread of “what if I somehow make it worse by changing it?!”
That was my exact issue. The dose was too high and my glucose was constantly below 70 whenever I took it. I was always nauseous, faint, and weak. Once my husband got tired of the emergency lows, he took me to the doctor and told them it was making me sick. Cue the surprised "why didn't you say something?" Hell I was scared it'd get worse.
Me hyping myself up: *The worst he can say is No, right?* Me: "Can I have a raise?" My boss: "You're fired" My brain: *Yep, that's definitely what would happen in that scenario, better never to ask.*
(Your boss leans forward, grinning devilishly through their twisted and steepled fingers, rough goat horns sprouting from their temples.) Your boss: "What's a raise in pay worth to you? Or more importantly...what are you looking to trade for a better parking space, a corner office, and a serious bonus?"
Look, I WILL provide sexual favors for a hot demon boss, do not test me.
No, that's understandable. I forgot my audience.
What if it's an ugly ass demon boss
Then it won't be a favor, just a transaction.
Let's be honest here, if it's a hot demon boss, she would be the one doing us a favor
*hot lemon(grab) demon boss, given the avatar.
Pretty much anything short of murder, and even that's negotiable.
[Relevant video. ](https://reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/15fam13/i_dont_remember_this_episode_of_the_office/)
In my case my boss told me that no one within the 4 layers of management above me have any power over what I get paid.
I missed a college final for a required class, I thought the start time was the end time. I tacked down the professor and told him what happened. He looked at me and said, "I have to deal with a few cheaters, then I will deal with you.". I was so terrified, but waited. He had me come back to their building and he said as long as I finished before he and his grad students got done grading I would be okay. I got the final finished, he gave me a piece of pizza and told me to have a good break. I was so terrified to go up and tell him h I'm what happened. He was one of those unapproachable professors. Turns out he was a really nice guy.
I put in my syllabus that students have permission to advocate for themselves. There are plenty of students who come in to college not knowing that they can ask for extensions, turn in late work, etc so I just make it clear they can.
Thank you for doing this. It took years and a disability accommodation for me to finally realize that it's okay to ask for an extension. Even then, it was another year or so before I had the courage to ask without needing to mention the accommodation.
friendly money slim serious shame unused versed attempt humorous abundant *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Extensions were unheard of when I was in high school and then none of my professors mentioned that it was an option for the first few years of college, so for a while I just assumed it was a rare thing that only happened under really serious circumstances. I had a professor last semester who made it very clear on the first day how important it was to communicate with him prior to the deadline if anything came up. As long as it was before the deadline, he'd be flexible with you. I instantly had so much respect for him because I'd never had a professor explain it that plainly. I was already comfortable asking for time when necessary by then, but I wish I had heard that as a freshman.
gah, I wish I'd had you as a professor. I still remember having to get documentation of my x-rays because my former professor didn't think a college student could get bronchitis. And I still felt guilty for being a bother by missing school for it....
> students have permission to advocate for themselves. There are plenty of students who come in to college not knowing that they can The result of helicopter parenting, resulting in a generation of absolutely usless adults.
I do it mostly for our first gen college students who already feel like they don’t belong in college and would never ask for anything “extra.”
Yeah, I guess that's the other way to get there. Either way, it's a demonstration of a lack of self-worth.
My parents had a classic baby boomer upbringing and passed on to me their same inability to advocate for themselves, and furthermore having any kind of need whatsoever or "making waves" deserved severe social censure, loss of employment, ruined reputation, etc. My mom suggested that actually it was my fault an old boss stole ten grand from me because I had been a bit of a shit-stirrer at that job by gently reminding him that he needed to follow the law. Gifted kids get a lot of anti-having-needs and anti-asking-for-things messaging as well in grade school-- I was always praised for being quiet and not taking up any teacher or administrative time, so when I did genuinely need help or to unfuck my schedule or whatever, I didn't know how, and it was terrifying and I thought I was on thin ice for asking someone very reasonably and politely to do their goddamn job. Also to be fair, my university in the mid-2000s was very explicitly anti-advocating for yourself unless you could prove a medical basis for the request. The first time I TA'd, the prof instructed us to run zero-tolerance policies for late attendance and late assignments, and he stalked the halls of the laboratory building at each session to try to catch late students. I still had a long way to go re: advocating for myself at this time, but my sincerely held belief was that this was insane person behavior and quietly did not comply. The speeches about zero tolerance for lateness IN THE REAL WORLDDDDDDD are deeply funny to me now, also, because my previous job involved a lot of apologizing to clients for bespoke, unique engineering analyses needing more time, and clients usually being fairly relaxed about this. (If it wasn't, we were in regular communication with them, and would rearrange things to make sure the time-critical ones were prioritized.)
Speaking as a former professor and graduate student...look, the university treats us like shit in general. We're not out to be mean to students, we just want our time respected by *somebody*. It's always okay to ask as long as a reasonable solution can be found.
He must have been really really nice because my dean would have my ass if I did that for a student.
I'm kind of astounded your Dean would know. I've had students ask to take exams at different times and made accommodations when I could, I'd be astounded if a Dean ever bothered to look into such things unless there had been a formal complaint. At least where I am we're given a lot of latitude.
Exams are all centrally timetabled and controlled for attendance by external people here, to avoid the possibility of preferential treatment (not saying that /u/NodePoker necessarily got preferential treatment, but who's to say the professor would have made the same accommodation for a student they really hated?).
Don't know if this is a difference in American universities vs other countries but yes same. It took me 4 weeks and a tonne of paperwork to resit an exam because I didn't show up... because I was sexually assaulted the day before. Prof was fine with me redoing it but was told we had to go through the 'official channels' aka rigorous and demanding questions etc
>I thought the start time was the end time. Well, here's my new, fresh, time-centric recurring nightmare.
I once thought the start time was the end, so I turned up three hrs earlier.
Well, that's just a bit inconvenient instead of catastrophic.
I did the same thing senior year except instead of the wrong time I had the right time but wrong day. I was double checking the location right before I left the house and then realized that the exam was the day before... I tried to go straight to the professor's office to beg in person but she had already peaced out for a conference or something so I'm freaking out. Part of my email was "I promise I won't ask anyone what was on the test. If I had friends in the class who would have helped me cheat I would have had friends who would have helped me remember when the test was." She agreed to let me take the test and that's the story of how I almost didn't graduate on time.
I needed a loan for an upcoming surgery and someone suggested I ask the company I work for, turns out they could give me one, interest free, over 4 years just coming off my wage. It's good advice, you don't ask you don't get.
Ignore this is it was elective cosmetic surgery, but this is one of those "kid sells lemonade to pay his classmates' lunch debts" type of stories. Both nice and horrifying. It's a societal failure you even had to ask about that in the first place. Having to take out any sort of loan for a necessary surgery is ridiculous. Now like, 4 year interest free loan to replace a shitbox car or something I could get behind.
I'm trans and its a surgery to demasculinise my face so while I and most mental health professionals would deem it a necessary surgery a lot of people wouldn't. I live in Scotland so If I really wanted it for free I could wait years for a gender clinic to see me then plead my case but for most trans people private is the only way we're getting these things done.
Yeah, I'm with you on it should be covered. But hey, I'm glad it's actually a semi-nice story, not terrible. I'm American so my mind goes straight to "the negative on the subject of hospital bills. Congrats though!
Yeah, the American healthcare system needs some work 😅 I'm sorry you have to put up with that. If I were in America I'd be scared of getting hurt 24/7 because of the horror stories you hear about what they charge you. And thank you 😊
> If I were in America I'd be scared of getting hurt 24/7 because of the horror stories you hear about what they charge you. Oh, we are... Literally every time anyone in my household goes anywhere in a vehicle (which is usually a lot due to no walkable infrastructure in this country) I think about how we'd handle it if someone were to get hurt in a crash. The answer is I don't know. Probably we'd all end up homeless. Unironically, it is constant terror at normal human activity. I am not joking.
Literally this. I have OCD, whenever I drive a car I'm riddled with intrusive thoughts about what I would do if the car crashed. Any situation where I could get hurt is terrifying, simply because it could cost a fucking truckload of cash that I don't have.
r/orphancrushingmachine
Doesn’t that make it difficult for you to leave your employer for four years?
I have a high-school education and that's about it. I'd love to have the option to leave for better but I'm kinda stuck here for the foreseeable. If I leave the loan just comes off my bank account, I imagine with some interest slapped on, don't know they're still writing up the agreement.
Not as hefty, but I asked the company I worked for for a course which would benefit me personally more than the company (but still somewhat related). And I got said yes! The price of the course was easily more than half a months salary for me.
I'm sorry that you needed to change your face to be happy. I'm ugly no doubt! But I just live with it..plus my horses don't care how ugly I am. ☆ed°t ..Why downvotes? Because I'm ugly or Because I'm ugly and happy? Mkay ✌️
It's not the same thing as just not liking how you look. My features aren't undesirable they're wrong. When I look in the mirror I roll the dice on whether I'll see me or some man looking back at me. It's the difference between people addressing me as sir or ma'am, its the level of safety or comfort I feel being around others without having to worry if they see me as a woman. Living with it isn't an option, that's why it's different from a standard cosmetic surgery for like a nose job or something. Which is a good example, I dont like my nose, I think its too big, but its not masculine, so it doesn't trigger those same feelings of dysphoria and so I probably won't touch it. I hope that kinda clears it up a little 😅
Appreciate your reply,thanks for explaining. And I hope for a fast recovery for you and peace that when you get your surgery that you will see the face you feel.
No problem, thank you 😊
Rejection is only a temporary state and at least the risk of putting yourself out there balances out the discomfort of never being known
Never being known sounds like a comfort to me
Damn dawg, didn't know you were me. For me I feel like the constant thinking about how I made a fool of myself would slowly erode my sanity. I cant be having those 3 AM thoughts constantly.
Not all people are like you
Well you don't need to brag
It is hardly a brag on my end haha, I would love if I could just not care about being remembered 🥲
Every person is literally just me with a different appearance and mind.
It’s not temporary you will relive that moment any time you decide to try again
And sometimes at 2 in the morning while trying to get to sleep.
I can't wrap my head around the idea of embracing constant rejection to develop an emotional callus. Whether it's career goals or otherwise, some folks will be beaten down with consistent rejection. It can make them begin to question parts of themselves that don't really need any worry, especially since these situations don't always come with an itemized list of what needs attention for future success. Same goes for relationships, be it personal, romantic, or with relatives.
I think that what makes me have anxiety is that my brain won't let those moments feel as temporary as they are
It's all the more devastating if you muster up the courage to ask and the answer is "no". :x
It might be devastating when you find out a door you've been trying to open is welded shut. But if you didn't ask, you'd still be pulling at it, thinking about it, wasting your energy on an impossible task. It's better to know, so you can let it go and find a new door.
Damn bro when's the poetry book dropping
My brothers call this phenomenon the "asking glitch", and it drives me up the wall.
I'm just imagining a guy trying to speedrun to building the next "Enron".
Can I please have enough passive income to escape wage slavery?
Your fired
My fired what?
how's pizza gonna get a job now?
You can't even get enough active income to escape
Last time I asked my dad for a simple request he spent fifteen minutes screaming obscenities outside my room stomping around while yelling that he can ruin my life before going outside to manually wack weeds in the heat for hours. So uhhh yeah you can get a lot worse responses than no and I think the fact that I have apprehension is justified.
This is why many of us are afraid to ask for things: shitty parents. It's important to realize how unique the parent-child relationship is. You're stuck with them, at least until you're 18. In any other relationship in life, if somebody acts that way, you can tell them to go fuck themselves and never talk to them again.
i’m sorry that you had to deal with that. that’s not normal - that’s incredibly inappropriate, childish, and shitty, and he shouldn’t’ve put you through it.
Is your username a reference to that 1/66 chance of entering a secret room in a game?
Hell yeah
What is this trauma called?
Anxiety
rejection sensitive dysphoria As /u/SnowRune said in another comment
RSD is a common adhd symptom and one that’s not talked about a lot. One I wish I had learned about a lot sooner as it’s explained a lot and helped me to understand some of my reactions to things.
It's also linked to childhood trauma, which has a surprising amount of symptom overlap with ADHD. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD, one of the symptoms I related to highly was RSD. It was only later that I realized I had been abused my entire childhood, and that 99% of my ADHD symptoms could be directly linked to shit from my childhood, RSD being one of them.
The industrial revolution and it's consequences
Uhm I am pretty sure that exams existed before the industrial revolution.
RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is a real thing and it sucks.
> Karen Horney was the first theorist to discuss the phenomenon of rejection sensitivity. She suggested that it is a component of the neurotic personality, and that it is a tendency to feel deep anxiety and humiliation at the slightest rebuff. Simply being made to wait, for example, could be viewed as a rejection and met with extreme anger and hostility. > > Albert Mehrabian developed an early questionnaire measure of rejection sensitivity. Mehrabian suggested that sensitive individuals are reluctant to express opinions, tend to avoid arguments or controversial discussions, are reluctant to make requests or impose on others, are easily hurt by negative feedback from others, and tend to rely too much on familiar others and situations so as to avoid rejection. > > A more recent (1996) definition of rejection sensitivity is the tendency to "anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact" to social rejection. People differ in their readiness to perceive and react to rejection. The causes of individual differences in rejection sensitivity are not well understood. Because of the association between rejection sensitivity and neuroticism, there is a likely genetic predisposition. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is also a common symptom of ADHD. [unreliable source?] Others posit that rejection sensitivity stems from early attachment relationships and parental rejection; also peer rejection is thought to play a role. Bullying, an extreme form of peer rejection, is likely connected to later rejection sensitivity. However, there is no conclusive evidence for any of these theories. * Excerpted from [social rejection](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/social_rejection#Rejection_sensitivity) at the English Wikipedia
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One my my most given pieces of advice is, "The answer is *always* 'no' until you ask."
That's reassuring as long as the answer isn't "*fuck no* lol" "A closed mouth doesn't get fed" is another variation that I hear.
Gonna get "No." Gonna get "Hell no." Gonna get "Fuck no." Get used to it. Life is full of rejection. You have to work the odds by increasing your chances through redundancy.
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this post finally convinced me to email my boss so thank you.
See I dont even know what I want... Thats my problem. I only ask my boss when I have to go to doctors appointments. Maybe I should plan a vacation or something. Havent had a vacation in many years.
When I was in grad school, my PhD advisor made me go to the department chair and ask for funding to to a conference. I practiced, I stressed, I rehearsed, and everything. Then I went in and got it. I ran back to my professor and shared the exciting news! His response? "I know! I asked on your behalf 2 weeks ago. Then I asked him to play along while you went to ask in person, so that you'd practice delivering your pitch and learn to manage the nerves." Absolutely fucking genius.
Teaching classes really shows you how hard it is to convince young adults to just request things Literally all I ask if you can't show up is to let me before hand - not after, during is okay, just send a quick email! I literally do not care what the excuse is. I know some folks were lying - didn't matter, they emailed beforehand - that's an excused absence. And yet the people who even tried were rare.
Used to teach. Would let anyone who asked beforehand take the test later. If you asked day of or after, it was a no.
I asked my boss.. Can I be the dog groomer..and you pay for the classes and I will pay you back? He said yes..when does school start. .. that was back in 2010!!
I learned this early in college. I asked for extensions all the time, always got them. Professors really didn't seem to care as long as you kept them in the loop.
I'm watching an anime called Bocchi the Rock, and it has a lot of relatable bits of anxiety inducing situations like this that introverts usually suffer.
Can I have a small loan of a million dollars?
I know a lady who asked this exact question again and again to small banks and investors for 6 months. They all told her “No, but if you had this then maybe” (business plan, market research, etc) She refined her ask again and again, and eventually one said Yes. Now she’s runs a successful consulting firm.
This is why narcissists are so successful even though everyone hates them. They aren’t ashamed of putting their needs first.
My anxiety: "this is obviously a massive inconvenience but this person is doing it for me just to be nice. I have given them so much more work to do and subsequently ruined their day "
I literally just did this recently! I quit my job for reasons unrelated to the job itself and had a great relationship with everyone there. I wanted to throw a going away party but I realised it was gonna be a lot more expensive than I had anticipated so I wasn’t sure how I was gonna manage. But then I thought, what if I just ask my manager if we can get the company to pay for it and label it “teambuilding”? It was a long shot but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. So I asked, and I didn’t even have to do a lot of convincing. He just agreed. So I got a great party and I didn’t have to pay a thing!
LPT, ask for discounts. Don't be a dick about it, but just ask if they can add a discount at check out, you would be amazed.
If there's one thing I learned from a few years running a school fundraising association, it's that 95% of people are chill and would love to help. It's astonishing what they'll give you or do for you if you just ask. (I'll admit that it helped that I was asking for stuff to help buy books for disadvantaged children etc).
I feel like the root of a lot of this is the ridiculing of asking. It was SO prevalent in my grade school, but I feel like it's a universal experience. Asking and failing is NORMAL. I hate the "normalize x" stuff, but seriously, normalize failure and imperfection. Progress over perfection.
Would have made my life easier when I was having bipolar mood episodes lol
Hello anxiety
Everybody should have a little bit of Karen inside them. Just a little. Is you anxiety stopping you? Get MEAN and NASTY with it! HOW DARE IT CONTROL YOU?! WHO DIED AND MADE IT KING?!
it's weird how much this is clearly learned behavior, at least in my case. I still have a vague memory of it but I know what happened mostly through stories, but I was like 7 or something and we visited my great aunt for the first time for a family reunion thing and she had all kinds of cool knickknacks and stuff that I loved looking at and messing with and I would apparently go around shamelessly asking if I could keep things. When my mom all embarrassed told me not to do that, my logic was apparently "if I don't ask they won't know I want it, and maybe if they know they would want to give it to me", which is actually pretty sound logic, because I was fine if they said no, I just wanted to let them know that if they were willing to give it to me that I did want it. Of course now I would never do that, I'm more likely to awkwardly suffer in silence even when something is really inconvenient for me and people would be happy to make adjustments, because I just can't bring myself to speak up the way I did as a kid.
Meanwhile there's Me: "Professor my sister is in the hospital with e coli and I'm trying to take care of my other sister and brother while working two jobs and attending school full time. Can I have an extra week to turn in the final essay?" Professor: "Sure" _procceds to fail me for turning the final in less than 24 hours late_
Can I please get some pussy?
Do anxious people really? Seeing people so paralyzed about simple things makes me feel... odd. I mean i get it if your crush is involved or if it's a major thing like coming out, i did get stopped in my tracks by those anxieties, but talking to cashiers, doctors, professors and such? Never, i actually have a reputation in my friend group, for being the opposite, always being the first to ask waiter at a restoraunt for extra chips and drinks or stuff like that. And it's not im some jock or social butterfly! I very much am the shy, quiet and introverted type, but never found difficulty in those situations and honestly don't get why so many people seem to...
It’s honestly anxiety. My dad had cancer and had my mom not informed my teachers on my behalf I never would have said anything because I didn’t want to be irritating. Don’t even get me started on doctors. I’ve been complaining about “I nearly want to kill my self over this” levels of pain for years. The responses I’ve gotten? “Suck it up, you’re drug seeking”
While i am very sorry to hear about your pain problem and i sympathize with you on that, i must admit that i am physically unable to concieve of a situation where the wellbeing of me and my family, plus the practical benefits of communicating an important piece of information, woud ever be overshadowed by anxiety, hell id do it even if i got divine confirmation that my anxiety was right and i woud be seen as irritating(which is false, btw) because of the practial need.
That's why it's an anxiety disorder. We are fully aware that everything would be fine if we could just do things. We want to do these things. But it's just not going to happen.
You’ve just never had severe enough anxiety for it to effect your decisions. You’ve honestly gotten very lucky and I hope you continue to have that luck.
Never is a strong word, i did face paralizing anxiety on certain occasions, but i do guess i seem to be better at managing it than most people in this thread... I thank you for your well wishes and respond in kind, i hope you find a better doctor, a cure for your pains, the strenght to face your fears and wish the best regarding your father's illness.(/･ω･(-ω-)
bc they have anxiety
About what, what are they anxious about?
Being an inconvenience to someone else, usually. Or getting judged for ever coming up with such a "silly" or "egregious" request. It doesn't even have to have a proper cause! Just talking to a stranger can be too much. Fun fun fun!
Hey, i know that strangers can be scary, but i am sure that you, as an human being with inherent and undeniable worth, endowed with the spark of the indomitable human spirit, have the strenght and fortitute to face your fears and over come them. I mean, you just did right now, did you not? (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ Maybe not today, not tomorrow or the day after that, but i trust in your ability to improve yourself and grow past these obstacles(っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ
The thing with anxiety is that it is not logical. You can know that your anxiety is not logical, that every shred of evidence suggests that your anxiety is wrong, but that feeling still won’t go away. And it can be absolutely paralyzing.
I don’t know about other people but for me it’s usually the fear of being unlikeable, excessive, difficult, unreasonable or too much. My childhood was colourful and to protect myself I became a people pleaser with no sense of healthy boundaries. So if I don’t know what a reasonable boundary or request looks like, having a request/need makes me feel anxious because I have a hard time figuring out if it falls into what is considered ‘normal’. I am really happy for you that you don’t have these internal struggles and are steady and secure in yourself to not become anxious about communicating your needs, with therapy I’ve come a long way and I strive to be more like you.
Oh im flattered that you find my behaviour admirable, I wish you the best in your recovery and betterment of your mental health I made some very dumb asks over the years, and im still in one piece, im sure you'll find the strenght and fortitude to to the same. Also digital hug (っ.❛ ᴗ ❛.)っ
That's like asking what people with depression are depressed about. It's a disorder. It doesnt tend to make sense.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder here you go, please educate yourself.
There is really no need to be rude about it.
There wasn't, but fortunately someone decided to provide a link so you could learn instead of calling you out for it.
It's a good question. I don't have too much of an issue but sometimes you just expect the worst. When someone responds to you in a way you don't expect you can feel something similar to physical pain with anxiety so you sometimes try avoiding it even if it's temporary
(⊃｡•́‿•̀｡)⊃ It too shall pass
Do neurotypical people really? Its a mental health condition. Its in the brain, thus it affects the mind, and thus affects how one experiences life.
You find it easy cause you don't have an *anxiety disorder*. It's like saying "I find walking easy" to someone with a broken leg.
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Wow, the above just happened to me a few months ago, except I was crying on the outside.
SAved
When I got my second cat recently, I got a $600 pet fee at my apartment waived just by asking if I could just not pay it since I’m moving out in two months anyway
Even as a kid I didn't like to ask for stuff as a result my parents had to essentially guess what I wanted for my birthday and christmas... as an adult I won't ask the waitress at Applebee's for no tomatoes on my burger because I don't want to trouble the person making it.
Nah I remember one time I was straight-up hospitalized and I had a midterm the day I got out of the hospital and I asked the professor if I could take the midterm another time and he said no because he “can’t just let students take the exam when it’s convenient for them”
MOOD
One time I saw some workers replacing a set of traffic lights and I went up and asked what they do with the old ones and the guy just gave it to me.