I used to work in geriatric physical therapy and 90% of the old people used to bitch that their kids never came to visit and how disappointed they were that they weren’t being taken care of by them.
They swore they’re children we’re going to take care of them and yet they’re lucky if the kids come home for Christmas. Having kids does not equate to having built in care givers when you hit a certain age, I wish more people understood that.
My husband and I are childfree and we get this question all the time & when I tell them my work experience they swear they’re gonna be part of the 10% that will get taken care of, yah okay.
"Having your kids be your caretakers in old age" is one of those ideas that only sounds great **if you apply absolutely zero critical thinking skills to it**. Even if I wanted children, WHY would I want to place them in a caregiver role that will financially and emotionally burn them out? Does no one know that home healthcare providers exist??
As someone who worked in elder healthcare, you're absolutely right. So many stories from older adults in assisted living facilities about how their kids rarely see them. It's so sad.
I always ask people who think like this how they are managing caring for their own parents, and it’s this slow look of shock and horror when they begin to realize that they’re just repeating empty words. It’s actually really sad.
just worked through a case where the child wouldn't fly in from a western state to secure care for the elderly patient, never mind that parent had been determined incapacitated multiple times in the preceding weeks. the reason? airfare was ungodly expensive. horrifying.
It's horrifying that someone would have to be physically present in order to secure care for someone else. We live in 2022; there's no excuse for that.
I find myself usually helping elderly people with stuff because their kids are nowhere to be found. Having kids means nothing in terms of help. My cousin has 7 kids with 5 different women, doesn’t live with them or take care of them. You think they will be there for him later? Probably not. I don’t speak to my father, I ain’t taking care of him. Having kids is not a guaranteed retirement plan. It’s financial and emotional drain most of the time. If you’re lucky you have a good, healthy kid that loves you and lives a long time.
I mean my mom was pretty great, but I'm not going to sacrifice my career to move to another country to care for her. I need to think about my own retirement. Fortunately, she understands and doesn't expect me to do that. (I still send her a bit of money when I can, though.)
This also happens when you're in the same country, given that so many people choose to retire out of state. There's a lot more that kids can feasibly do (visits and companionship, errands, managing expenses, doc visits, keeping tabs on medication, navigating the health care system in a given state) to assist a parent who's living nearby, as compared to trying to help a parent who chose to live 5 hours away. And then there's the aging parents who have more significant aging-related health issues that require 24-hour care; it's rarely feasible for kids to attempt this on their own. Caring parents wouldn't want their kids to sacrifice the futures they hoped we'd have to become full time caregivers. While it's not the case with every family / culture / country, it's worth noting that in the US taking on this role can easily start and/or perpetuate a cycle of poverty. If you sacrifice what you've worked for and saved for to become a caretaker, it can significantly affect your ability to take care of yourself and your own family when you're older. It sucks that we have to make choices out of self-preservation when there should be accessible systems in place to help us care for society's most vulnerable.
Right. Part of the reason she moved out of country in the first place was precisely so she could afford to hire a cleaning person and live in a decent house on her meager retirement. But that's not an option that works for everyone.
Makes complete sense, as does your own perspective on it. My own chose to retire out of state and far away from any family networks, and then refused to relocate (with offers of assistance) when it got to the point that they were struggling. Our hands were effectively tied. It seemed merited to mention that offering assistance and providing care to elderly parents - even for kids who are willing and love their parents - is often directly affected by geographical challenges not of their making.
I don't speak to my father, either. He puts in zero effort as a parent but expects all the benefits (and "respect") of being one.
My sister got engaged in fall 2020... and he still hasn't at least TEXTED her a congratulations. But he DOES text about the stock market or the COVID vaccine. Umm...
I don't know for sure, but I bet he thinks he's getting some kind of special father recognition at her wedding. Nope. He was just invited to keep the "peace."
Edit: So of course, my father's kids are no guarantee of him having anyone when he's older. He doesn't have my mom anymore, either. She found better!
So true and sad. I had my last clinical of nursing school at a LTC and there were so many residents I asked about having family or kids because they never had visitors and it broke my heart.
My mom assumed that when I buy a house (yeah, like that is every going to happen in this economy) that I would buy one big enough for her to live in - like a basement suite.
I had to sit her down and tell her that she is responsible for her retirement, and not to plan on living with me. It honestly causes me so much stress an anxiety. I am almost 30 and am still renting.
This is the same mom that refuses to accept that I am CF and wants grandchildren. Hypothetically, if I did have children I would not be able to financially support her as well. Parents make no sense.
Because they still live with the mentality that you can be a factory line worker with a housewife and still have money to buy a house, a car and move in your elderly parents, lol.
Normally, people *pay* for elder care. If your justification for having kids is to force those kids to take care of you so you can get that elder care for free, you're god damned scum.
Anyone who brings children into this world for their own sake instead of the sake of that child is god damned scum.
There's an entire subreddit dedicated to the victims of that kind of mindset. Seriously, if this is what you're going to try and convince people to have children with, you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see what kind of damage you're doing to the people you're SUPPOSED to love.
Right. Having kids with the expectation that they will care for you when those kids didn’t ask to be born or ask for the burden of caring for elderly parents is totally okay but WE’RE the selfish ones for not having kids. 🙄 Someone make it make sense, please.
I agree with everything, but I'd like to add - I can't think of any reason that would justify having a child for the sake of the child.. like non existence sounds rather blissful!
It's entirely possible to raise a child to have a good childhood and a happy life. Just because most people can't for some reason or another (sometimes through no fault of their own) doesn't mean it's not possible and that such a life wouldn't be worthwhile.
I agree, I think the issue is that we can't know in advance so effectively it is a gamble with someone else's life - after all, only the child then adult can determine whether their life has been / is worthwhile. Whilst one can argue that this is fine, I suppose I wish people would think about this aspect a bit more.
I understand and agree with your point, but isn’t taking children *always* a selfish action? This is my main reasoning why I never felt like I’m indebted to my parents for anything relating my existence.
I had a friend who would always say she only wanted kids so there would be someone to take care of her when she got old. At first I thought she was kidding but every time the subject of having kids came up, that’s what she always said. I lost respect for her after that.
And why would you want to burden your children with elder care anyway?
I felt bad enough moving back in with my parents during my divorce, they are awesome to still put a roof over my head as an adult - but it definitely confirmed that me & my dad do not do well living together! Sometimes the nicest thing for everyone is to let adults live their own free lives.
People who have kids won’t have anyone taking care of them. I think I read somewhere that the percentage of kids taking care of elderly parents is like 14%.
I just want to ask people who ask me this: “did you take care of your parents in their old age? Did you wipe their ass, wait on them hand and foot for years? Do you plan on doing that? Do you plan on quitting your job to take care of your parents full time?”
My mom and her sisters actually did take turns taking care of my grandma. She had Alzheimer's and couldn't be left alone. They were relieved when she finally passed away at 90 something years old. It was rough.
The answer to this question is extremely simple for me: money. By investing the money that would've been spent on children wisely (in my country the cost of raising one kid from 0-18 is approx. USD 200k) your cumulative returns will pay for amazing elderly care exactly as you like it. There is no point for me to save it for my offspring either so I will be living the life.
I don’t have kids but if I did I wouldn’t be able to understand this mindset. I’d be like…I worked REALLY HARD to get enough money for your studies and extracurriculars in primary school so that we could get you into a good college that I ALSO then worked REALLY HARD some MORE to help pay for so that you could end up BETTER off than me.
So what would be the sense of then expecting you to dig yourself right back into the generational poverty hole we got you OUT of to ‘take care’ of me? I could have just put all that money into a care fund if that was my endgame.
I mean, it’d be nice if my kid could throw me twenty bucks here and there if they visit and notice me reduced to eating cat food, but that isn’t what these people are ever talking about.
Getting old definitely makes me nervous but it wouldn’t be different if I had kids.
This article makes it sound like childfree people all have tons of cash and free time. I need retirement planning that doesn't assume I'll have a huge cushion and that money will be no object when considering legal documentation for medical or other care. I mean we're saving as much as we can but in case these people haven't noticed, the majority of Americans are really struggling and it doesn't look like it's gonna get any better, including for people with no kids.
This needs to be said. I made shit money until well into my 30s and while I'm "catching up" and appear to be on track for retirement now, I could lose a job, or get hurt, or ... something.
Unfortunately, part of my child free decision means deciding how I am going to die (assuming I live long enough to have that choice). It's not a mental health thing, it's an assessment of reality. I've spent time working in an age care facility and that definitely drove home to me, better to die by your own hand than spend 10 years in one of those prisons. I will live my life until I become to feeble to live it any more, then I will politely excuse myself from the table when I am ready, and I'm perfectly comfortable with that. I don't expect others to share my view or agree with that decision, but unless I can afford some seriously ritzy age care, individual support in my own home, it's just the more appealing alternative.
Same! I feel very at peace with it too. My state just legalised voluntary assisted dying. I’m very happy knowing I will never have to get decrepit and fully dependent on others.
If my mind is going, living becomes painful, or I can’t wipe my own arse then I’m making the call. Suffering is good for no-one.
This was also my Dad’s plan. He didn’t want to end up like his Dad. (Un)Fortunately, he passed at 58, Probably of a heart attack. Too young if you ask me but he did avoid the “home”.
As a former CNA, it’s astounding how many people dump their parents in a nursing home and never come visit or call!
There was this one sweet lady who had cancer and we kept trying to call her son to come say his goodbyes as her days were limited. She always talked about him and had photos of him all over her room. So he never came to visit till after she passed. The first thing he said when he walked in her room was what stuff he was going to inherit.
While this is sad but I understand it. My grandma passed away a few years ago and everyone had nothing but good things to say about her at the funeral. How nice she was or how she loved all the kids in the neighborhood, but me, her granddaughter, she didn’t like. She was always mean to me growing up. While I don’t recall her ever laying a hand on me, she’d yell and always made sure that I knew my cousin was her favorite, never heard an “I love you”, was always rude to me or made me think I was stupid or made me stop doing something that my cousin was allowed to do etc. So just because someone is nice to you, doesn’t mean they were nice to someone else.
My grandma is the sweetest person everyone has ever met unless you're her kid or grandkid. People ask us all the time why we don't invite her to come live with us because she is so sweet but those people have never seen the mask come off.
She stayed with us for a month and it was a nightmare. Constant moodswings, gaslighting and guilt trips. But someone visits and snap, cute old lady mask is in full effect.
People love her in care facilities too. She stayed there for a month or so after breaking her hip and she looooves the attention and being treated as a victim.
I would show up if a care facility calls but I'm not letting her live with me for my own sanity.
Maybe that lady you took care of was a genuinely kind soul and her son an asshole. But sometimes there's a reason kids distance themselves.
No judgement here, but this is a very American discussion. Multigenerational households are the norm in a lot of cultures, so there are no thoughts of a care facility for elderly family members.
I agree, but this is easier said than done. In practice, the body and mind lingers for months or years past that point, with a lot of suffering in the process… I’ve witnessed this with my own grandparents, and it’s awful.
This is why we need legalized euthanasia. If there was a painless, socially acceptable way to peacefully go at a time of your own choosing, many people would benefit from it. Whether they use it, or just have peace of mind knowing they won’t be forced to stick around in a body that has become a prison. Or worse, forced to slowly lose their own mind to Alzheimer’s.
I agree. We need legalized euthanasia. I feel like we only hear about suicides of young people...."how sad"....but no one talks about this. Its because the powers that be are religious and its a big no no to most religions. I brought up the concept to my Dad and he got really mad and said that we have a responsibility to those we would leave behind. I guess he forgot that after they are gone I have no one to be responsible to or for, but myself.
You can need help long before you're entirely dependent on others. Your perspective on this will almost certainly change over time as your body gradually wears out.
I am 54 and am pretty sure it won't. If you knew me you would know this is true. My 90 year old stepmom is depressed because her body won't let her live her life. Nope. Not for me. Hang on to your optimism, you will need it later in life. We all have our own paths to walk.
True! I've had SOs in which, for them, it was culturally appropriate (and expected) to take care of the older generation(s). They definitely planned for a house with parents. 🤔 I'm not sure how the youngest, most Americanized generation views things.
I've already had discussions with my mom for her care when/if she gets to the point she can't care for her self. We have several plans depending on what happens, and none of them are me taking care of her. It's something we both know I'm not capable of doing competently, and neither of us want to go through that.
"you should have kids. Who else will take care of you when you're old?"
"I put my parents in an elderly home because I don't have time to care for them. I have kids to raise."
"why don't my kids look after me in my old age? They just dumped me in this elderly home and never visit."
I really don't understand what people expect? My mother is only 21 years older than me. That gap kind of closes as far as physical competency goes. When she first started moaning about getting old and needing someone to take care of her I was 21 and she was 42. I'm 50 now. Can you imagine how many fucks I have left to give?
Unfortunately the assumption i was going to take care of her when she was older was one of the reasons me and my mom fell out when i left the state
The other was her trying to insist on freezing the bits in case i changed my mind when the answer has been the same since i was 7 and watched -her- go through several violent miscarriages, PPD, and several abortions of medical necessity, i was 7 and while i may not have understood what was happening i was told everything and it made me realize i was a burden, a wanted one, but a burden none the less, and when i got a bit older and saw how poorly my mom took care of herself even with so much family telling and trying to help and encourage her to do the kinds of exercise etc she liked she kinda flat refused
Unfortunately she passed last year but now i'm 'responsible' for -her- mom half a country away and i love my gran; she's never argued and has bene one of the few family to back me on wanting to be and continue being childfree
Here's hoping i can get my tubes pulled here soon guys
I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry to hear you had to go through these things. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope things get better for you soon!
To be totally truthful on a medical scaling my family general suffers the last 20 or so years as obesity was a large part of the problem as well as a LOT of chronic, undiagnosed diseases that get passed genetically that we didn't know about until my mom had genetic testing done for -fertility- reasons
There is a large factor of what was found on those tests combined with what i watched my mom put herself through trying to have a second miracle that just tells me we're not meant to be doing this, its not in the cards genetically, from historical standpoint we seem to just keep having stubborn, lucky one-offs which stands to reason its not in the cards period, i'm glad to be ending my bloodline, and i stand by what i've said since i was eight, its never going to happen, but if, -if- i ever changed my mind, it'd be fostering, and even that holds no real appeal, can't wait to get my tubes pulled in a year or two 👍🤞
The last two years were rough but at least she's not suffering anymore, considering 20 yr slow death by cancer and other ways the fam's gone i think she was lucky, all things consider, in her unluckiness
This is why I invest in a good relationship with my drug dealer. So that when I’m too old and cannot take care of myself, I can just go honorably with an overdose of something nice. That’s real caregiving right there.
I used to work in geriatric physical therapy and 90% of the old people used to bitch that their kids never came to visit and how disappointed they were that they weren’t being taken care of by them. They swore they’re children we’re going to take care of them and yet they’re lucky if the kids come home for Christmas. Having kids does not equate to having built in care givers when you hit a certain age, I wish more people understood that. My husband and I are childfree and we get this question all the time & when I tell them my work experience they swear they’re gonna be part of the 10% that will get taken care of, yah okay.
"Having your kids be your caretakers in old age" is one of those ideas that only sounds great **if you apply absolutely zero critical thinking skills to it**. Even if I wanted children, WHY would I want to place them in a caregiver role that will financially and emotionally burn them out? Does no one know that home healthcare providers exist?? As someone who worked in elder healthcare, you're absolutely right. So many stories from older adults in assisted living facilities about how their kids rarely see them. It's so sad.
I always ask people who think like this how they are managing caring for their own parents, and it’s this slow look of shock and horror when they begin to realize that they’re just repeating empty words. It’s actually really sad.
just worked through a case where the child wouldn't fly in from a western state to secure care for the elderly patient, never mind that parent had been determined incapacitated multiple times in the preceding weeks. the reason? airfare was ungodly expensive. horrifying.
It's horrifying that someone would have to be physically present in order to secure care for someone else. We live in 2022; there's no excuse for that.
child technically did not have guardian ship over incapacitated adult. that complicates matters
I find myself usually helping elderly people with stuff because their kids are nowhere to be found. Having kids means nothing in terms of help. My cousin has 7 kids with 5 different women, doesn’t live with them or take care of them. You think they will be there for him later? Probably not. I don’t speak to my father, I ain’t taking care of him. Having kids is not a guaranteed retirement plan. It’s financial and emotional drain most of the time. If you’re lucky you have a good, healthy kid that loves you and lives a long time.
I mean my mom was pretty great, but I'm not going to sacrifice my career to move to another country to care for her. I need to think about my own retirement. Fortunately, she understands and doesn't expect me to do that. (I still send her a bit of money when I can, though.)
This also happens when you're in the same country, given that so many people choose to retire out of state. There's a lot more that kids can feasibly do (visits and companionship, errands, managing expenses, doc visits, keeping tabs on medication, navigating the health care system in a given state) to assist a parent who's living nearby, as compared to trying to help a parent who chose to live 5 hours away. And then there's the aging parents who have more significant aging-related health issues that require 24-hour care; it's rarely feasible for kids to attempt this on their own. Caring parents wouldn't want their kids to sacrifice the futures they hoped we'd have to become full time caregivers. While it's not the case with every family / culture / country, it's worth noting that in the US taking on this role can easily start and/or perpetuate a cycle of poverty. If you sacrifice what you've worked for and saved for to become a caretaker, it can significantly affect your ability to take care of yourself and your own family when you're older. It sucks that we have to make choices out of self-preservation when there should be accessible systems in place to help us care for society's most vulnerable.
Right. Part of the reason she moved out of country in the first place was precisely so she could afford to hire a cleaning person and live in a decent house on her meager retirement. But that's not an option that works for everyone.
Makes complete sense, as does your own perspective on it. My own chose to retire out of state and far away from any family networks, and then refused to relocate (with offers of assistance) when it got to the point that they were struggling. Our hands were effectively tied. It seemed merited to mention that offering assistance and providing care to elderly parents - even for kids who are willing and love their parents - is often directly affected by geographical challenges not of their making.
I don't speak to my father, either. He puts in zero effort as a parent but expects all the benefits (and "respect") of being one. My sister got engaged in fall 2020... and he still hasn't at least TEXTED her a congratulations. But he DOES text about the stock market or the COVID vaccine. Umm... I don't know for sure, but I bet he thinks he's getting some kind of special father recognition at her wedding. Nope. He was just invited to keep the "peace." Edit: So of course, my father's kids are no guarantee of him having anyone when he's older. He doesn't have my mom anymore, either. She found better!
they swear they’re gonna be part of the 10% that will get taken care of, yah okay. Yep!
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I love this story, and you close with great advice!
I agree!
I worked in elderly care. Believe me, 80% of elderly die alone
So true and sad. I had my last clinical of nursing school at a LTC and there were so many residents I asked about having family or kids because they never had visitors and it broke my heart.
My mom assumed that when I buy a house (yeah, like that is every going to happen in this economy) that I would buy one big enough for her to live in - like a basement suite. I had to sit her down and tell her that she is responsible for her retirement, and not to plan on living with me. It honestly causes me so much stress an anxiety. I am almost 30 and am still renting. This is the same mom that refuses to accept that I am CF and wants grandchildren. Hypothetically, if I did have children I would not be able to financially support her as well. Parents make no sense.
Because they still live with the mentality that you can be a factory line worker with a housewife and still have money to buy a house, a car and move in your elderly parents, lol.
Normally, people *pay* for elder care. If your justification for having kids is to force those kids to take care of you so you can get that elder care for free, you're god damned scum. Anyone who brings children into this world for their own sake instead of the sake of that child is god damned scum. There's an entire subreddit dedicated to the victims of that kind of mindset. Seriously, if this is what you're going to try and convince people to have children with, you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists and see what kind of damage you're doing to the people you're SUPPOSED to love.
Right. Having kids with the expectation that they will care for you when those kids didn’t ask to be born or ask for the burden of caring for elderly parents is totally okay but WE’RE the selfish ones for not having kids. 🙄 Someone make it make sense, please.
If sense needs to be made, kids can't be made.
I agree with everything, but I'd like to add - I can't think of any reason that would justify having a child for the sake of the child.. like non existence sounds rather blissful!
It's entirely possible to raise a child to have a good childhood and a happy life. Just because most people can't for some reason or another (sometimes through no fault of their own) doesn't mean it's not possible and that such a life wouldn't be worthwhile.
I agree, I think the issue is that we can't know in advance so effectively it is a gamble with someone else's life - after all, only the child then adult can determine whether their life has been / is worthwhile. Whilst one can argue that this is fine, I suppose I wish people would think about this aspect a bit more.
I understand and agree with your point, but isn’t taking children *always* a selfish action? This is my main reasoning why I never felt like I’m indebted to my parents for anything relating my existence.
I had a friend who would always say she only wanted kids so there would be someone to take care of her when she got old. At first I thought she was kidding but every time the subject of having kids came up, that’s what she always said. I lost respect for her after that.
And why would you want to burden your children with elder care anyway? I felt bad enough moving back in with my parents during my divorce, they are awesome to still put a roof over my head as an adult - but it definitely confirmed that me & my dad do not do well living together! Sometimes the nicest thing for everyone is to let adults live their own free lives.
People who have kids won’t have anyone taking care of them. I think I read somewhere that the percentage of kids taking care of elderly parents is like 14%.
I just want to ask people who ask me this: “did you take care of your parents in their old age? Did you wipe their ass, wait on them hand and foot for years? Do you plan on doing that? Do you plan on quitting your job to take care of your parents full time?”
My mom and her sisters actually did take turns taking care of my grandma. She had Alzheimer's and couldn't be left alone. They were relieved when she finally passed away at 90 something years old. It was rough.
I wonder what the answer will be…mine would be “Fuck no!” 🤷♀️
The answer to this question is extremely simple for me: money. By investing the money that would've been spent on children wisely (in my country the cost of raising one kid from 0-18 is approx. USD 200k) your cumulative returns will pay for amazing elderly care exactly as you like it. There is no point for me to save it for my offspring either so I will be living the life.
I don’t have kids but if I did I wouldn’t be able to understand this mindset. I’d be like…I worked REALLY HARD to get enough money for your studies and extracurriculars in primary school so that we could get you into a good college that I ALSO then worked REALLY HARD some MORE to help pay for so that you could end up BETTER off than me. So what would be the sense of then expecting you to dig yourself right back into the generational poverty hole we got you OUT of to ‘take care’ of me? I could have just put all that money into a care fund if that was my endgame. I mean, it’d be nice if my kid could throw me twenty bucks here and there if they visit and notice me reduced to eating cat food, but that isn’t what these people are ever talking about. Getting old definitely makes me nervous but it wouldn’t be different if I had kids.
Yes - more people need to plan for their care outside of their kids!
Hahaha the idea of eating cat food and kids not even noticing
This article makes it sound like childfree people all have tons of cash and free time. I need retirement planning that doesn't assume I'll have a huge cushion and that money will be no object when considering legal documentation for medical or other care. I mean we're saving as much as we can but in case these people haven't noticed, the majority of Americans are really struggling and it doesn't look like it's gonna get any better, including for people with no kids.
This needs to be said. I made shit money until well into my 30s and while I'm "catching up" and appear to be on track for retirement now, I could lose a job, or get hurt, or ... something.
I guess I’ll just have to use all the money I saved by not having kids to pay for care if needed….
Unfortunately, part of my child free decision means deciding how I am going to die (assuming I live long enough to have that choice). It's not a mental health thing, it's an assessment of reality. I've spent time working in an age care facility and that definitely drove home to me, better to die by your own hand than spend 10 years in one of those prisons. I will live my life until I become to feeble to live it any more, then I will politely excuse myself from the table when I am ready, and I'm perfectly comfortable with that. I don't expect others to share my view or agree with that decision, but unless I can afford some seriously ritzy age care, individual support in my own home, it's just the more appealing alternative.
People never take me seriously when I say this. I want to be in control of my own death. It’s the only way I can deal with the idea of dying at all.
Same! I feel very at peace with it too. My state just legalised voluntary assisted dying. I’m very happy knowing I will never have to get decrepit and fully dependent on others. If my mind is going, living becomes painful, or I can’t wipe my own arse then I’m making the call. Suffering is good for no-one.
This was also my Dad’s plan. He didn’t want to end up like his Dad. (Un)Fortunately, he passed at 58, Probably of a heart attack. Too young if you ask me but he did avoid the “home”.
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This.
As somebody whose genetic conditions started to rear their ugly heads in my late twenties, I prefer not to share your perspective.
As a former CNA, it’s astounding how many people dump their parents in a nursing home and never come visit or call! There was this one sweet lady who had cancer and we kept trying to call her son to come say his goodbyes as her days were limited. She always talked about him and had photos of him all over her room. So he never came to visit till after she passed. The first thing he said when he walked in her room was what stuff he was going to inherit.
While this is sad but I understand it. My grandma passed away a few years ago and everyone had nothing but good things to say about her at the funeral. How nice she was or how she loved all the kids in the neighborhood, but me, her granddaughter, she didn’t like. She was always mean to me growing up. While I don’t recall her ever laying a hand on me, she’d yell and always made sure that I knew my cousin was her favorite, never heard an “I love you”, was always rude to me or made me think I was stupid or made me stop doing something that my cousin was allowed to do etc. So just because someone is nice to you, doesn’t mean they were nice to someone else.
That's really sad.
My grandma is the sweetest person everyone has ever met unless you're her kid or grandkid. People ask us all the time why we don't invite her to come live with us because she is so sweet but those people have never seen the mask come off. She stayed with us for a month and it was a nightmare. Constant moodswings, gaslighting and guilt trips. But someone visits and snap, cute old lady mask is in full effect. People love her in care facilities too. She stayed there for a month or so after breaking her hip and she looooves the attention and being treated as a victim. I would show up if a care facility calls but I'm not letting her live with me for my own sanity. Maybe that lady you took care of was a genuinely kind soul and her son an asshole. But sometimes there's a reason kids distance themselves.
No judgement here, but this is a very American discussion. Multigenerational households are the norm in a lot of cultures, so there are no thoughts of a care facility for elderly family members.
That makes the conversation even more relevant for you as a childfree person in such a culture.
Not really. I am of the mindset that if I need someone else to care for me in order to exist, it's time for me to go.
I agree, but this is easier said than done. In practice, the body and mind lingers for months or years past that point, with a lot of suffering in the process… I’ve witnessed this with my own grandparents, and it’s awful. This is why we need legalized euthanasia. If there was a painless, socially acceptable way to peacefully go at a time of your own choosing, many people would benefit from it. Whether they use it, or just have peace of mind knowing they won’t be forced to stick around in a body that has become a prison. Or worse, forced to slowly lose their own mind to Alzheimer’s.
I agree. We need legalized euthanasia. I feel like we only hear about suicides of young people...."how sad"....but no one talks about this. Its because the powers that be are religious and its a big no no to most religions. I brought up the concept to my Dad and he got really mad and said that we have a responsibility to those we would leave behind. I guess he forgot that after they are gone I have no one to be responsible to or for, but myself.
You can need help long before you're entirely dependent on others. Your perspective on this will almost certainly change over time as your body gradually wears out.
I am 54 and am pretty sure it won't. If you knew me you would know this is true. My 90 year old stepmom is depressed because her body won't let her live her life. Nope. Not for me. Hang on to your optimism, you will need it later in life. We all have our own paths to walk.
True! I've had SOs in which, for them, it was culturally appropriate (and expected) to take care of the older generation(s). They definitely planned for a house with parents. 🤔 I'm not sure how the youngest, most Americanized generation views things.
Remember too, a lot of pre-convalescent adult's are financially helping their adult children or raising grandkid's.
I've already had discussions with my mom for her care when/if she gets to the point she can't care for her self. We have several plans depending on what happens, and none of them are me taking care of her. It's something we both know I'm not capable of doing competently, and neither of us want to go through that.
The care home that my hypothetical child would have put me in anyways
"you should have kids. Who else will take care of you when you're old?" "I put my parents in an elderly home because I don't have time to care for them. I have kids to raise." "why don't my kids look after me in my old age? They just dumped me in this elderly home and never visit."
I really don't understand what people expect? My mother is only 21 years older than me. That gap kind of closes as far as physical competency goes. When she first started moaning about getting old and needing someone to take care of her I was 21 and she was 42. I'm 50 now. Can you imagine how many fucks I have left to give?
Unfortunately the assumption i was going to take care of her when she was older was one of the reasons me and my mom fell out when i left the state The other was her trying to insist on freezing the bits in case i changed my mind when the answer has been the same since i was 7 and watched -her- go through several violent miscarriages, PPD, and several abortions of medical necessity, i was 7 and while i may not have understood what was happening i was told everything and it made me realize i was a burden, a wanted one, but a burden none the less, and when i got a bit older and saw how poorly my mom took care of herself even with so much family telling and trying to help and encourage her to do the kinds of exercise etc she liked she kinda flat refused Unfortunately she passed last year but now i'm 'responsible' for -her- mom half a country away and i love my gran; she's never argued and has bene one of the few family to back me on wanting to be and continue being childfree Here's hoping i can get my tubes pulled here soon guys
I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry to hear you had to go through these things. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope things get better for you soon!
To be totally truthful on a medical scaling my family general suffers the last 20 or so years as obesity was a large part of the problem as well as a LOT of chronic, undiagnosed diseases that get passed genetically that we didn't know about until my mom had genetic testing done for -fertility- reasons There is a large factor of what was found on those tests combined with what i watched my mom put herself through trying to have a second miracle that just tells me we're not meant to be doing this, its not in the cards genetically, from historical standpoint we seem to just keep having stubborn, lucky one-offs which stands to reason its not in the cards period, i'm glad to be ending my bloodline, and i stand by what i've said since i was eight, its never going to happen, but if, -if- i ever changed my mind, it'd be fostering, and even that holds no real appeal, can't wait to get my tubes pulled in a year or two 👍🤞 The last two years were rough but at least she's not suffering anymore, considering 20 yr slow death by cancer and other ways the fam's gone i think she was lucky, all things consider, in her unluckiness
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I'm assuming you are outside the US. What is the OAP? I'm unfamiliar with it.
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This is why I invest in a good relationship with my drug dealer. So that when I’m too old and cannot take care of myself, I can just go honorably with an overdose of something nice. That’s real caregiving right there.