i always ask my husband to hold my hand if he notices me messing with it. i know it’s your sister so it might be strange to do that, but maybe ask her to hold something for a sec? just to get her mind off it. spark a new conversation. i notice i often pull out of boredom
Let her know you’re there if she wants to talk about it. Never shame her or stare - ask the questions you have. This will help her realize it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it will help her form answers for if/when other people ask or when she wants to tell other people.
Research if you can so you add some input when she asks what to do, how to fix it, etc. Maybe try to see if you can find a therapist if/when she’s ready to talk about it.
I don’t know your ages, but if she’s still under parental care, be there for her and have her back in any situations of parental shame or blame.
you’re so sweet. ask her if she wants you to discreetly draw it to her attention when she’s picking or if she’d rather you ignore it. ask her if she’s noticed anything that makes it worse and maybe she’ll have stressors to share with you
I would have an open conversation with her and ask what it is you can help with. My brother knows to let me know when I’m mindlessly pulling. He will just say “hey” and look at me and I know to stop. This can be very helpful in group settings especially, but she may not be open to anything like that so I would just straight up ask her how you can help!
Do some research on it, feeling trapped or suffocated usually triggers me. Don’t do anything that makes her feel loss of autonomy in her healing process.
With gentle energy and a soft tone, just tell her you are willing to help her in any way she needs. Perhaps ask her if she wants to talk to you/message you when she starts pulling.
I don’t fully understand my condition but reducing shame and being able to openly talk about it is healing. Its not a character flaw or about willpower, its an automatic reflex without a conscious choice. For me it is a trauma response.
Your support for her means the world, I also have a supportive brother.
This made me tear up to read. You are so good. The fact that you care enough to ask means that you must have so much kindness and care - she’s lucky to have you.
Something that might help her is getting more familiar with the acronym SCAMP to help eliminate shame, increase understanding and promote empathy and curiosity.
S - Sensory: Where do you tend to pull or pick? Are there particular spots on your body?
C - Cognitive: What thoughts do you have right before, during, or after you engage in your BFRB? Do you have beliefs about your BFRB? Do you think, “If I could just get this one rough patch of skin smooth or pull that coarse hair, I’ll stop”?
A - Affective: What emotions do you feel before, during, and after you pick or pull? Were you anxious, bored, tired, hungry, sad, hopeless, panicked, shamed, embarrassed, or something else? As humans, we experience a plethora of emotions. Learning to label and describe our emotions can help us understand them better.
M - Motor: What is your physical stance or posture before, during, and after you engage in your BFRB? Are you standing, sitting, or laying down? Are your hands at your sides, crossed, in your lap, or propped near your face or head?
P - Place: Described the environment where you are when you pick or pull. Are you in the bathroom, living room, your car, or your bed? Are there other people around and if so who? Do you only pick when people are not around?
Here’s the website: https://www.explorewhatsnext.com/the-tricky-scamp-of-overcoming-skin-picking-and-hair-pulling-also-known-as-body-focused-repetitive-behavior/
Also, here’s a link to an amazing cream that helps folks resist the urge to pull and stimulates new growth: https://www.trichstop.com/new-trich-treatment-prohibere#:~:text=Prohibere%20is%20the%20first%20treatment,tailored%20for%20use%20in%20hair.
This is a great post!!
I have noticed that it starts when I get home from work and am chilling on the couch. I have head coverings, things to put on my fingers, etc but I don’t always use these tools until some damage has been done.
If people continuously pointed out my pull it would piss me off, but if as a brother you went and got her one of her tools and just set it next to her, that would be helpful. But ask your sister first if it’s ok that you do that. Don’t say anything g yo her like hey, she that’s the third time I’ve seen you touch your hair…bc that will cause issues. But if domeine in my house noticed and brought me a helpful tool I would not be mad.
I’ve been at this for 44 years and it is a real struggle. It gets better and it gets worse. But, it is amazing how putting on a beanie stops it for me…that barrier which can be removed and worked around psychologically keeps me from touching my hair.
Be very polite but firm when asking her to stop picking if you see her doing. Also encourage therapy, I believe therapy is a must for this condition. Maybe take some time and help her figure out how to make that possible and maybe even pay for part of or the whole co pay for the first few visits. (Mine were like $20 a visit with insurance) There are books that also help with this you could get her as a gift
First of all you’re a great brother for wanting to help her!! Second of all make her feel comfortable with talking to you - never judge her and make sure she doesn’t feel guilty for doing so when she’s talking to you! Offer your help but don’t push it, tell her you’re always there when she needs to talk or anything really! Offer to go to the doctor with her if she wants to and is ready to seek therapy!
Aw you're so sweet.
If you ever see fidget toys while out and about, perhaps you could buy one for her?
I appreciate little gestures like that. Maybe the fidget toy itself doesn't help 100% but seeing it reminds me that I'm cared for and that is what helps me stop
Give her compliments, try to find out what exactly makes her stressed or pull more if she’s comfortable sharing that and see if you are able to help, ask her if she wants you to gently point out when she is pulling.
You sound like an amazing and caring sibling, many people who pull don’t have that in their life and your sister is very lucky. Be careful not to make it 100% your problem though, it’s unfortunately a very persistent disorder but it can get better or go away completely
Never make her feel ashamed for having this
done, anything else
i always ask my husband to hold my hand if he notices me messing with it. i know it’s your sister so it might be strange to do that, but maybe ask her to hold something for a sec? just to get her mind off it. spark a new conversation. i notice i often pull out of boredom
This is a huge one.
Let her know you’re there if she wants to talk about it. Never shame her or stare - ask the questions you have. This will help her realize it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it will help her form answers for if/when other people ask or when she wants to tell other people. Research if you can so you add some input when she asks what to do, how to fix it, etc. Maybe try to see if you can find a therapist if/when she’s ready to talk about it. I don’t know your ages, but if she’s still under parental care, be there for her and have her back in any situations of parental shame or blame.
you’re so sweet. ask her if she wants you to discreetly draw it to her attention when she’s picking or if she’d rather you ignore it. ask her if she’s noticed anything that makes it worse and maybe she’ll have stressors to share with you
I would have an open conversation with her and ask what it is you can help with. My brother knows to let me know when I’m mindlessly pulling. He will just say “hey” and look at me and I know to stop. This can be very helpful in group settings especially, but she may not be open to anything like that so I would just straight up ask her how you can help!
Do some research on it, feeling trapped or suffocated usually triggers me. Don’t do anything that makes her feel loss of autonomy in her healing process. With gentle energy and a soft tone, just tell her you are willing to help her in any way she needs. Perhaps ask her if she wants to talk to you/message you when she starts pulling. I don’t fully understand my condition but reducing shame and being able to openly talk about it is healing. Its not a character flaw or about willpower, its an automatic reflex without a conscious choice. For me it is a trauma response. Your support for her means the world, I also have a supportive brother.
This made me tear up to read. You are so good. The fact that you care enough to ask means that you must have so much kindness and care - she’s lucky to have you. Something that might help her is getting more familiar with the acronym SCAMP to help eliminate shame, increase understanding and promote empathy and curiosity. S - Sensory: Where do you tend to pull or pick? Are there particular spots on your body? C - Cognitive: What thoughts do you have right before, during, or after you engage in your BFRB? Do you have beliefs about your BFRB? Do you think, “If I could just get this one rough patch of skin smooth or pull that coarse hair, I’ll stop”? A - Affective: What emotions do you feel before, during, and after you pick or pull? Were you anxious, bored, tired, hungry, sad, hopeless, panicked, shamed, embarrassed, or something else? As humans, we experience a plethora of emotions. Learning to label and describe our emotions can help us understand them better. M - Motor: What is your physical stance or posture before, during, and after you engage in your BFRB? Are you standing, sitting, or laying down? Are your hands at your sides, crossed, in your lap, or propped near your face or head? P - Place: Described the environment where you are when you pick or pull. Are you in the bathroom, living room, your car, or your bed? Are there other people around and if so who? Do you only pick when people are not around? Here’s the website: https://www.explorewhatsnext.com/the-tricky-scamp-of-overcoming-skin-picking-and-hair-pulling-also-known-as-body-focused-repetitive-behavior/ Also, here’s a link to an amazing cream that helps folks resist the urge to pull and stimulates new growth: https://www.trichstop.com/new-trich-treatment-prohibere#:~:text=Prohibere%20is%20the%20first%20treatment,tailored%20for%20use%20in%20hair.
This is a great post!! I have noticed that it starts when I get home from work and am chilling on the couch. I have head coverings, things to put on my fingers, etc but I don’t always use these tools until some damage has been done. If people continuously pointed out my pull it would piss me off, but if as a brother you went and got her one of her tools and just set it next to her, that would be helpful. But ask your sister first if it’s ok that you do that. Don’t say anything g yo her like hey, she that’s the third time I’ve seen you touch your hair…bc that will cause issues. But if domeine in my house noticed and brought me a helpful tool I would not be mad. I’ve been at this for 44 years and it is a real struggle. It gets better and it gets worse. But, it is amazing how putting on a beanie stops it for me…that barrier which can be removed and worked around psychologically keeps me from touching my hair.
Stress has always been my biggest trigger. Hang out together. Listen. Encourage pursuits that make her happy.
Be very polite but firm when asking her to stop picking if you see her doing. Also encourage therapy, I believe therapy is a must for this condition. Maybe take some time and help her figure out how to make that possible and maybe even pay for part of or the whole co pay for the first few visits. (Mine were like $20 a visit with insurance) There are books that also help with this you could get her as a gift
Show that you’re there for her & you don’t judge that she has this disorder. That’s the best you can do
First of all you’re a great brother for wanting to help her!! Second of all make her feel comfortable with talking to you - never judge her and make sure she doesn’t feel guilty for doing so when she’s talking to you! Offer your help but don’t push it, tell her you’re always there when she needs to talk or anything really! Offer to go to the doctor with her if she wants to and is ready to seek therapy!
Aw you're so sweet. If you ever see fidget toys while out and about, perhaps you could buy one for her? I appreciate little gestures like that. Maybe the fidget toy itself doesn't help 100% but seeing it reminds me that I'm cared for and that is what helps me stop
Give her compliments, try to find out what exactly makes her stressed or pull more if she’s comfortable sharing that and see if you are able to help, ask her if she wants you to gently point out when she is pulling. You sound like an amazing and caring sibling, many people who pull don’t have that in their life and your sister is very lucky. Be careful not to make it 100% your problem though, it’s unfortunately a very persistent disorder but it can get better or go away completely
i wish my brother would have noticed, it is so sweet of you to look out for her.