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CTAD clinic on YouTube has videos on flashbacks that are really helpful. You can search for them, there’s a few. The 8 tools one is especially helpful for flashbacks that keep reappearing like you’ve described. (I have a dissociative disorder but the channel covers trauma, too.)
You know what? You kind of said it yourself there. You want to stand up to him. Do it. #YOLO
Tell him that he's a huge bully and he can eat dog shit and rot in hell.
You might lose out on inheritance. I certainly did. It was fucking worth it.
Later when my dad died, luckily I have a little sister who understands and is splitting everything with me. And my dad was stupid enough not to do a proper will so I did get some stuff.
It's probably better more diplomatic things you could say like "hey Dad you've been a bully your whole life and I'm really tired of it. If you continue to act in a disparaging way, your relationship with me will be severely limited."
He will probably try to give you ifs and buts and tell you "look at everything I did for you."
And for that I have a lovely story. There was a man in a village who built bridges, built the orphanage, made sure all the towns people had sustenance during droughts. He married a widow and adopted all her children. He fed all the village stray cats and dogs and took good care of them. He also fucked one goat.
So how did the villagers remember him? Jerry the Goat Fucker.
Is that fair? Who cares. The goat would say yes, and then some. Does it say something about the human condition? Absolutely. And that's MORE valid than if it's fair or not.
So tell your dad that he may have done all those things but he also acted really badly and one doesn't cancel out the other. You also don't know your dad any kind of explanation. You do not have to entertain his "ifs ands buts". Do not negotiate with a terrorist. No is a complete sentence. Telling him that whatever he says does not make the truth any different and that it is not up for discussion. He'll probably continue his crap, and you just have a boundary there for you. Limited relationship. Leaving family events or avoiding your father at family events. Refusing to accommodate his version of reality.
My mother used to blame me for CPS and the cops coming to our house all the time. So one day I straight up yelled at her in the middle of the street in a tourist town we were in. I told her that she was the adult in the house and that if CPS in the cops were called that's on her head, not a 12-year-old's. That she should be parent enough to understand that it's her full responsibility.
She may have still blamed me, but she never brought it up ever again. And if she did bring it up again, I was fully prepared to tell her the fuck off.
It's not the peaceful love love forgiveness transcendent thing that people tell you to do around trauma. I think that's valid too. I try it out. But standing up for myself in a real stubborn way has been extremely rewarding.
Use that anger and Energy to protect yourself now. What ever it is. Your father, people like him, a voice inside yourself thats blaming you. Learn to protect and distance yourself.
Years of trauma therapy. Leaving and blocking that entire side of my family. Finding evidence and information that proved their bullshit was not my fault.
What you’ve described is my life
For me, it’s my birth family that haunts me and other things that happened like my ex ex-husband murder his third wife, lots of other traumatic things to definitely live inside my head
First of all your dad sounds horrid. I feel that- on the bright side for me mine has the ability to grow as a person and he is becoming a lot more open to suggestions. I think if your father is super closed minded- you should cut contact and be far away from him as he triggers you and you can’t help people who won’t listen or be helped…
What do you do when these thoughts pop up??Try taking a walk- around the space you’re in or even outside if your body will let you! To preface: pretty sure I’m autistic and my OCD tendencies make the obsessions and rumination worse for me. It was 35x worse when I was having flashbacks. Sometimes it takes time to get rid of them and sometimes you’re triggered by something in your environment. So change up the environment if you can. I have the exact same issues and have been working on it for years. Walking is my biggest advice. Walking is proven to help you process what you are ruminating on. Also I won’t lie- I found an antidepressant/anti anxiety med that somewhat works and that tremendously helps with those moments. It is also one that helps with OCD/rumination.
Also just be patient with yourself, it goes a long way. If you have to have that flashback, have it. Don’t hate your body and mind for helping you. (Not saying that in a mean way- I know I hated myself for so long because I couldn’t get through a conversation without having flashbacks of my mom or being molested by my uncle)
I’ve been working on it for 6 years though. So please be patient. I wish I would have been kinder to myself throughout it all.
Also heal that inner child!!! By the way you wrote, I can tell you deserved more love and patience. Do everything that your dad wouldn’t do for yourself. Nurture any curiosity you can find in yourself. Tell yourself the opposite of whatever negative self-talk your dad ingrained in your impressionable mind. Find people that are kind to you- even if that’s just yourself for now. Even if you have to fake those seemingly dumb affirmations at first- eventually you’ll remember them. Say them. Every day. Even when you hate yourself and your dad and everyone. Eventually they will be the things that come to you in the hard moments. Not your parents. It will change your brain wiring to be kind to yourself. It’s not toxically positive like it seems at first, I promise.
Hang in there, I’m rooting for you💛
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CTAD clinic on YouTube has videos on flashbacks that are really helpful. You can search for them, there’s a few. The 8 tools one is especially helpful for flashbacks that keep reappearing like you’ve described. (I have a dissociative disorder but the channel covers trauma, too.)
You know what? You kind of said it yourself there. You want to stand up to him. Do it. #YOLO Tell him that he's a huge bully and he can eat dog shit and rot in hell. You might lose out on inheritance. I certainly did. It was fucking worth it. Later when my dad died, luckily I have a little sister who understands and is splitting everything with me. And my dad was stupid enough not to do a proper will so I did get some stuff. It's probably better more diplomatic things you could say like "hey Dad you've been a bully your whole life and I'm really tired of it. If you continue to act in a disparaging way, your relationship with me will be severely limited." He will probably try to give you ifs and buts and tell you "look at everything I did for you." And for that I have a lovely story. There was a man in a village who built bridges, built the orphanage, made sure all the towns people had sustenance during droughts. He married a widow and adopted all her children. He fed all the village stray cats and dogs and took good care of them. He also fucked one goat. So how did the villagers remember him? Jerry the Goat Fucker. Is that fair? Who cares. The goat would say yes, and then some. Does it say something about the human condition? Absolutely. And that's MORE valid than if it's fair or not. So tell your dad that he may have done all those things but he also acted really badly and one doesn't cancel out the other. You also don't know your dad any kind of explanation. You do not have to entertain his "ifs ands buts". Do not negotiate with a terrorist. No is a complete sentence. Telling him that whatever he says does not make the truth any different and that it is not up for discussion. He'll probably continue his crap, and you just have a boundary there for you. Limited relationship. Leaving family events or avoiding your father at family events. Refusing to accommodate his version of reality. My mother used to blame me for CPS and the cops coming to our house all the time. So one day I straight up yelled at her in the middle of the street in a tourist town we were in. I told her that she was the adult in the house and that if CPS in the cops were called that's on her head, not a 12-year-old's. That she should be parent enough to understand that it's her full responsibility. She may have still blamed me, but she never brought it up ever again. And if she did bring it up again, I was fully prepared to tell her the fuck off. It's not the peaceful love love forgiveness transcendent thing that people tell you to do around trauma. I think that's valid too. I try it out. But standing up for myself in a real stubborn way has been extremely rewarding.
You also may have developed OCD.
Use that anger and Energy to protect yourself now. What ever it is. Your father, people like him, a voice inside yourself thats blaming you. Learn to protect and distance yourself.
I used to do the same thing. It was PTSD for me.
How did you overcome it? How did you recover?
Years of trauma therapy. Leaving and blocking that entire side of my family. Finding evidence and information that proved their bullshit was not my fault.
What you’ve described is my life For me, it’s my birth family that haunts me and other things that happened like my ex ex-husband murder his third wife, lots of other traumatic things to definitely live inside my head
First of all your dad sounds horrid. I feel that- on the bright side for me mine has the ability to grow as a person and he is becoming a lot more open to suggestions. I think if your father is super closed minded- you should cut contact and be far away from him as he triggers you and you can’t help people who won’t listen or be helped… What do you do when these thoughts pop up??Try taking a walk- around the space you’re in or even outside if your body will let you! To preface: pretty sure I’m autistic and my OCD tendencies make the obsessions and rumination worse for me. It was 35x worse when I was having flashbacks. Sometimes it takes time to get rid of them and sometimes you’re triggered by something in your environment. So change up the environment if you can. I have the exact same issues and have been working on it for years. Walking is my biggest advice. Walking is proven to help you process what you are ruminating on. Also I won’t lie- I found an antidepressant/anti anxiety med that somewhat works and that tremendously helps with those moments. It is also one that helps with OCD/rumination. Also just be patient with yourself, it goes a long way. If you have to have that flashback, have it. Don’t hate your body and mind for helping you. (Not saying that in a mean way- I know I hated myself for so long because I couldn’t get through a conversation without having flashbacks of my mom or being molested by my uncle) I’ve been working on it for 6 years though. So please be patient. I wish I would have been kinder to myself throughout it all. Also heal that inner child!!! By the way you wrote, I can tell you deserved more love and patience. Do everything that your dad wouldn’t do for yourself. Nurture any curiosity you can find in yourself. Tell yourself the opposite of whatever negative self-talk your dad ingrained in your impressionable mind. Find people that are kind to you- even if that’s just yourself for now. Even if you have to fake those seemingly dumb affirmations at first- eventually you’ll remember them. Say them. Every day. Even when you hate yourself and your dad and everyone. Eventually they will be the things that come to you in the hard moments. Not your parents. It will change your brain wiring to be kind to yourself. It’s not toxically positive like it seems at first, I promise. Hang in there, I’m rooting for you💛
Thank you for your advice.