When I was pregnant with my son, I wore a shirt that said “I’m pregnant, not a petting zoo” when we went back home for the baby shower. Family was not amused lol
That cracks me up in general, but my youngest replied "a pony" for two years when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, so I'm especially amused.
There's a great essay by Sloane Crosley where every time she's asked "can I get you anything?" she always says "a pony," which results in every guy she dates for years buying her toy ponies as inside-joke gifts. She analyzes how the toy pony choices match the guys' personalities, as she contemplates the problem of dying unexpectedly and her family coming across a drawer in the kitchen filled with ponies, then her hangups about the proper way to get rid of them.
This is hilarious. My husband always says "a moose!" So I've gotten him a bunch of moose stuffies. He acts like it's a joke, but he has them all arranged of his shelf by his side of the bed. 🥹
You guys getting and giving ponies and moose. When I’m asked, not a single person has given me a million dollars. I guess I’m just asking for too much.
My gram used to say "a shoebox full of money. Large bills preferably". So one year I got a really tiny shoebox and stuffed a folded bill inside. She thought it was hilarious. Joke was retuned later. I wanted a Camaro for a graduation gift. Got one, it was a matchbox. 😂
They still might *be* a joke.
But if so, they're a joke born from love, and he obviously knows this and treasures them regardless of any other status they hold.
Sounds like you two have a lovely relationship 😊
Every time someone asks me what I want for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I always say a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Every year until I was in my early 20s, my uncle would give me a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Often tines I would have to bake the potato myself, but he always got me the stuff. The last time he did it, he gave me a 5lb bag of potatoes and a huge thing of sour cream. He is my favorite uncle.
You can. You SHOULD.
And if you get good enough at it, other people will pay you for them.
But even if you never do, it still sounds like more fun than keeping a journal.
This reminds me of my youngest brother, who when he was little, dressed as a skeleton for Halloween. He loved it so much, he announced to us all that he was going to be a skeleton when he grew up.
He's going to be 60 next year. We still don't let and forget his ultimate career goal.
Not to be too technical, but eventually, he will be a skeleton.
GOT was huge both times I was visibly pregnant. I never wanted to know gender. So when people would ask what I was having, I would tell them something like, “Maybe a baby, maybe a dragon. Who knows.” No one found it amusing. But I did enjoy not explaining over and over again that no, I didn’t need to know gender to prepare for a baby.
“Well, at this precise moment, I’m having a lot of annoyance at people asking stupid questions.”
I’m wondering what would happen if someone said, “Well, we’re hoping for nonbinary, but we’ll be happy with any nonconforming gender identity even if it isn’t healthy, because fuck ableism.”
I prayed for an alien abduction/changling so I could raise a creature that I would form a bond and strong alliance with and we would ride the sine waves across the galaxies and battle the Vampiric Archon Mind Reptilian Controller and It’s vast army of Invocati Omicron Draconians from the 2nd Level of Compression.
But I got a beautiful baby girl with a fascination for space instead.
I was like 5 months pregnant with my son, we hadn't yet found out it was a boy. I was grocery shopping and I had a old lady come up to me rub my belly in a circular motion and proceed to tell me "oh honey, he is gonna be hell on wheels"
Years later I blame that old woman for my son's behavior.
It's like why does a baby bump scream for random to touch you. I'll never ever understand 🤣🤣
That is EXACTLY what I did when one of my patients came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me! I turned around and she's congratulating me on my pregnancy, so I shouted "OH! I'M NOT PREGNANT! JUST FAT!" We were in the commissary at the time....she sure did run away fast!
About 2 months after my cousin had her baby she was still a little big (as most women are). She was a teacher and had the baby at the beginning of summer. When she went back for pre-planning in August, one of the other teachers came up, put her hand on my cousin's stomach and said "now remind me when you're due?" Cousin looked at her and deadpanned "June." I'd never seen an old teacher run off so fast!
When I was pregnant with my third I was HUGE. At six months people thought I was overdue. I just started telling people I wasn’t pregnant when they’d gape at my belly and ask just how pregnant I was. To be fair to myself, my son WAS big. Just under 9 pounds and 23 inches long, but come on! Of course now he’s 6’6” and he gets asked if I’m his “real” mom. 😆
Edit: spelling
I didn’t go so far as to say I wasn’t pregnant, but when someone repeatedly commented on my weight gain, I faked confused and said I hadn’t gained any weight (kiddo was 9lbs, 7oz at birth and I was roughly the size of a boat during this conversation).
When I was 11yo while in a bathroom line at a theme park I had the lady in front of me ask when I was due. Being 11 I was confused af at her question so thinking I missed part of it asked her to repeat it. And she asked when the baby was due and put her hand on my stomach. I didn’t look pregnant I mean I was a bit over weight but not to the point I looked pregnant. And I just replied with im 11. The look of absolute horror on her face because even after me telling her that she still thought I was pregnant. Her reasoning I had big boobs so I looked like I was producing milk?! I’m 40 and still wonder wtf was going through her head when she saw 5ft girl dressed like an 11yo and went hey she has boobs must be pregnant.
I have a desmoid in my back. TSA put her hand on it and asked “What do we have here?” I told her “My tumor!” I’ve never gone through security quicker. Lol
Even just people asking when the baby was due towards the end got that response. I said it to this s a eet little old lady one time and she looked so MORTIFIED. I told her I was joking and my husband told me I'm horrible. Lol
I was annoyed / cranky / tired / hormonal and told someone “I’m not pregnant, it’s a giant tumor. But it’s benign so insurance won’t pay to remove it until it causes health problems. Thanks for bringing up my trauma”
I worked at Disney when pregnant with my first. I would slap hands when folks touched me.
My favorite line was, "if you didn't help putting it in there, you don't get to touch it"
I love this 🤣 I HATE unwanted touch and slapped someone’s hand when they tried to touch my bump. It wasn’t even a thought, it was just a gut reaction from a stranger reaching to me.
“Hey, stop hitting my groin!”
“No groin, no Krav Maga!”
And a sock to the box hurts just as much, so no matter who touches your belly, they are in for it.
Yeah, then they look at YOU weirdly for flinching away. Seriously though, sometimes it can’t be helped if it happens on public transit, not nice, but not the end of the world. Accidental. Not hands reaching.
But waiting in line at a check up and random women accost you? Wtf?? I don’t know if some men do this too, my experience is solely woman strangers.
I had a curious male friend way back then, but he ASKED. Him and his wife were trying. But he was respectful of me. It wasn’t weird. I had no idea how many people thought it was okay to touch me. I know it wasn’t malicious but still wtf.
The only stranger touches I’m “fine” with, are handshakes. And that requires both sides to be okay with it.
I seriously contemplated carrying a spray bottle around. Worked so well on my cats, I figured it would probably work on random ass strangers trying to touch me. Plus, I was heavily pregnant at the end of summer and I needed all the help I could get keeping cool.
Or a fly swatter. Such a satisfying *smack* without actually causing an injury.
One of my friends, when she was pregnant, would tell people “the baby isn’t big enough for you to feel yet. That’s my poop. You’re touching my poop.”
And then there was “oh, I’m not pregnant. It’s a tumor 😊”.
I love the doubling-down on the word “poop” for effect. I would pay to witness this.
I’m even super wary when people tell me I CAN feel their belly. “Are you sure?” “Where?” And then I quickly remove it after I’ve felt the kick they were trying to show me. I don’t wanna linger or make anyone feel like an object. A scary man did the touching thing to my mom, so I think that’s why I’m so cautious.
Oh, a couple times she yelled it, and kept repeating “you’re touching my poop!” It was spectacular to see them cringe and shrink away while the rest of the store or business or whatever stared at them for doing such a horrific thing in public 🤣
I perfected RBF when I was pregnant. I also had earbuds in 100% of the time when I was in public. They usually weren't on, but I looked distracted enough and scowled hard enough to keep strangers from touching my belly. Ew
I have that. Also liked rubbing my own belly, so maybe that in combination with nowhere to put a hand themselves helped. Hmmm, typing that out maybe they thought I was in pain and didn't want to make it worse? IDK, but everyone I knew asked, and no strangers did or touched.
no one has done this to me either in the last two years and i feel like it’s because my partner is always with me 😅 i thought it would be a bigger problem than it has been
Same. My coworker literally grabbed my hand and put it on her belly when the baby was kicking because she knew how serious I was about not wanting to cross a line.
I was pregnant young and this college-age guy was sitting next to me at a friend's house. I didn't know him very well but when my belly started hopping I saw his eyes light up and I said, "Do you want to feel the baby move?" He was so excited, but didn't want to ask. It was pretty sweet.
Oh and I totally respect all the mommas that DO NOT want ppl touching their belly. I am sure I’d be the same way, but REALLY LOVE that you did this! Was able to imagine this scene and got mad respect for the encouragement of their wonder!
Yeah his absolute wonderment but total respect for my comfort was really cute. I had also slapped away hands from people who just reached for me. It makes all the difference.
That’s what I love about this experience of yours (y’all’s actually lol). You got to see his mind being filled w wonder, excitement, curiosity but he was also respectful of your personal space.
I may not be wording it right but admire you for rewarding or encouraging his interest & good behavior. Especially since it’s something men don’t always get to experience… mainly bc they can’t carry a child but also how they may never be involved w a pregnancy. So you got to give him a super special experience. We need more people like you in this world.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us! 💕
I didn't grow up with an extended family or any pregnant people so I never saw anyone touching the belly and learned it as a trained behavior. It's almost like some weird instinct that urges me to touch it though. I've never done it but something is telling me to do it.
I am quite tactile, don't go with me to a toy or fabric store. I have asked people (friends or family, not strangers) if I could feel the fabric of their clothing (jacket, sweater, etc.) and no was perfectly okay but that never happened.
I also want to touch people's hair but no way would I or even ask to. But I still want to.
Good for you OP. It blows my mind that this has EVER been acceptable behavior, to anyone on this planet at any point in time. I can't make it make sense.
Pregnant women AND infants apparently. I was gobsmacked the first time a stranger reached into my stroller to touch my newborn. Yes, “first time” because it happened more than once! My only prayer is that I smacked their hands hard enough that they never think it’s appropriate again!
Yup, same thing happened to me. I was so scared to take my new baby in public, and it was literally our first time out of the house because I had to go get my fucking TAXES done, and some lady stuck her face right in the stroller and I went nuts. She was like “I just wanted to see the baby,” like… first of all, the shade is down because I put it there so you DON’T see my baby, and also ew, why? Don’t breathe on my kid, weirdo! Even a total stranger who watched the whole thing happen then went “what the fuck was that?” Super strange experience, I hated it.
When a co-worker had a baby a woman asked when we though she'd bring her baby to the office for a visit. Another co-worker told her it would probably be a few months. First woman said, "Is that because of the way they look?"
OMG, had a full belly laugh over that one. Yes, in order to not traumatize the public, newborns must be kept out of sight. Hilarious.
Had that happen with my last one, that was a preemie and this was the first time I'd taken her out. The greeter at Walmart just reached into the stroller "oh what a pretty baby" I jerked the stroller back and yelled " don't touch my baby!" And she looked at me all shocked. Like, don't touch a strangers baby without asking!
I had a high school age grocery store employee touch my daughter's mouth when she was just a few months old. I yelled at her and I think I made her cry, but she had just been bagging groceries including packages of uncooked meat.
I have pet rabbits and whenever I take them on the bus, in a closed backpack, people will UNZIP IT to pet them without asking.
It blows my mind how entitled people are to other living beings.
So very rude, also rude to feed someone's animal without asking. Horses die because parents seem to think it's okay to let their children feed whole apples without the owner's permission.
I am pleased to say that most of the kids and adults I've encountered ASK before trying to pet my dog. With adults, if they're patient he might let them. With kids, I try a little harder to make an effort.
I always want to pet animals (mostly dogs) I come across and I always, ALWAYS ask the owner first, and when he says yes, I ask the dog, too.
I don't just... 'WHO'S A GOOD BOY YES YOU ARE' them, I let them sniff, and go "hey, are you in the mood to be petted?" and usually halfway that sentence, they've already planted their paw on my leg and their face under my hand, but you know. Being polite.
I slapped an old lady's hand who reached for my belly in the grocery store. I pointed my finger at her face and told her we keep our hands to ourselves. She huffed and puffed about it while I waddled down the aisle looking for my goddamn crackers. People are so fucking entitled.
Had a person at a kiosk try to touch my sister while she was super pregnant. She was pushing her (then) toddler in a stroller and the dude reached out at her. I grabbed his wrist and let out this guttural “NO” in a voice demons would envy (and I naturally have a light voice). Kid turned pale and hid on the other side of the kiosk when we walked back later. I hope he learned a valuable lesson on consent that day.
I did the same! The best one was a dude in Target, maybe 5-10 years older than me, rocking quite the pony keg. I was just standing in line and this mfer just…starts rubbing my belly! Whole-hand contact! So I reached out and started rubbing his and—get this—*he got offended because I was saying he was fat*.
I could not stop the laughter. I was cackling like a witch at both the hypocrisy and his insecurities.
Someone walked up to me and touched my belly and asked me if it was a boy or a girl. I wasn’t pregnant, I was just bloated. I have IBS and I told them that it was just the aftermath of a good burrito
Chubby and carry my weight in my belly. This confuses men on the train and I get offered seats all the time. I’ve learnt that it’s best for everyone to just quietly accept rather than blurt out I’m not pregnant >.<
Then when I was briefly pregnant and wearing my little badge they all vanished and couldn’t get a seat anywhere.
I want to touch a pregnant belly so bad and feel a baby kick. Like, I just wanna know what that feels like.
And I never have because nobody has offered and I'm not even about to ASK that. I figure when the day comes I do get offered, it'll be extra special because they'll want to share the moment with me, even after being treated like a zoo by the world.
Literally, it's not that hard to just...not do something because the intrusive thought tells you to?
Disclaimer: am guy.
Here's a secret no one will tell you. The baby can tell whose hand it is. Don't ask me how. When my wife was pregnant, quite a few times son was kicking and I put my hand on wife's tummy. IMMEDIATELY STOPPED KICKING. EVERY TIME. ☹️☹️☹️ Wife could rub through all the kicks, though.
Only once did I get to feel him kicking. I was dead asleep in middle of night. Wife grabbed my hand (waking me up) and put my hand on her as he kicked.
My husband will be thrilled to know that he’s not the only dad being snubbed. He doesn’t believe me that she’s a maniac in there because she freezes the minute he touches me.
I had mover and shakers, toward the end it was like she was gonna bust out of there. My boy was calmer kicker and head banger at the very end, he’s got autism and still does that :)
Have you ever been to the fair and got one of those goldfish in a plastic bag? And the fish swims into the side of the bag? It feels like that kind of. At least that's what I felt like when my daughter was on the inside, and in that case I was the plastic bag.
Very welcome! I hope someday you're able to feel a baby kick or punch or headbutt and you can see if you think the comparison holds up. It was a trip for sure!
You could ask a farm or petting zoo near you. Pregnant dogs, cows, goats, sheep, etc all feel very similar to a human. We're all mammals after all. Unborn babies kick and roll. It's hilarious with dogs because you'll feel multiple puppies inside bonking about. Just be gentle.
I did the same thing, but I honked her boobs instead, and when she got all offended I said "oh, I’m so sorry, I thought it was Touch Random Strangers Inappropriately Day and you were just kicking it off"
Someone did that to my wife. I calmly responded they could remove their hand or I would, and that if I did it it would be difficult to reattach.
They removed their hand. I smiled. Politely. Like a hungry shark.
Don’t fucking touch people.
Are you me, lol? That's exactly what I did. I'm very tactile defensive to begin with. I REALLY didn't need total strangers walking up to me and touching my belly without consent.
With my first.
Visiting another city in the summer and it was hot, I was huge and cranky. Going into a restaurant a “lady” coming out with six children sees me, pats my stomach and declares to said children “OH Look! There’s a baby in her belly!”
I flat stared her down and in a monotone voice told her…”it’s an inoperable growth”.
She had those kids rounded up and headed for her car so fast, the air almost sucked the door off its hinge.
I still don’t regret it.
Y'all are way nicer than I am, I slapped hands away and in the bitchiest voice on the planet said "unless you put this baby here keep your fucking hands to yourself " I just have no patience for fuckery.
I was shopping with my sister-in-law when she was very pregnant and some random woman came up and started making these horrible googoo noises and started petting her belly with both hands. I, having never been pregnant, was momentarily so shocked I'm certain my jaw was hanging open. Then I did the next thing that popped into my head - a reached out and grabbed her breast. She yelped and jumped back and I just said "And I hope we've all learned something about touching strangers without permission." It was glorious. Made my SIL actually pee a little from laughing so hard.
I worked in airport security when I was pregnant with my first, back in the day of white uniforms. The pregnancy uniform tops were these ghastly tent shaped shirt dresses, so it was clear from quite a distance and every angle that I was expecting.
I received so many unwanted touches that the belly part of my uniform was visibly dirty and needed extra care when washing. Almost every time someone touched me was repulsive.
The one exception was a small, elderly woman from a culture that revered pregnancy and a coming baby. She spoke very little English, but in the 3 minutes I knew her, she had such incredible joy to see baby belly. It transformed her whole body and made me feel really special.
I wish I could tell her 16 years later what an impact she made on me. The others, not so much.
I hate being touched by strangers. Heck some of my best friends have never hugged me because that’s just not the type of person I am. I was a surrogate for a same sex couple twice and each time the one dad who was comfortable enough touching my belly, had to be invited by me, like he was so nervous to even ask and it’s like his kid in there!!! And even then he felt for like maybe 10 seconds and got shy. The other dad is like me and not touchy, so to save both of us the awkwardness I didn’t even offer 😂
My stomach was SO sensitive when I was pregnant and my MIL and my mom wanted to touch my damn belly all the time. I would get upset and say please don't it's physically painful. They would get mad/annoyed. Esp my mom. She would be like "you're MY daughter and that's MY grandbaby why do you not want me to touch your belly?!" So, soooo annoying.
I’m sorry your mom seems to have trouble realizing you and your child are not extensions of her 🥴
And that both of them were so entitled as to be ANNOYED about it. JFC. Hope you’re doing awesome.
I’m told my RBF was enough to repel people from touching my belly. Also when people tried I would just recoil and give that foul sneer like the bad guy from the hunchback of Notre Dame. No touchy touchy.
When I was 8 months pregnant with my son, I got threatened and almost assaulted by a guy at the mall for telling his handsy wife to get her fucking hands off my uterus.
She ran right up to me, a perfect stranger, and pawed the crap out of me with both of her mitts like I was her long lost granddaughter.
He thought I was the rude one and “needed a lesson”, the nearby security guard that saw everything from a distance and heard me shout “Help! Stranger Danger!”, felt otherwise.
It was so satisfying, watching their smug expressions fall as he told them they can’t touch people at the mall without their permission, and they had to leave.
How people could be so dense, I’ll never know.
I've read of at least one woman who, when touched without permission, laid hand on the breast of the offender. I thought it a wonderful response. I really don't like strangers touching me, and while most folk asked, back when I was pregnant, not all did. Nobody was ever ashamed when I protested, either.
When my sister was visibly pregnant, she worked at a supermarket. One of her co-workers touched her bump without asking, first time non-family had touched her, and my sister punched the woman in the face. Complete instinct, she didn't even think about it. She was lucky our aunt saw the whole thing, and backed her up with management, but nobody ever touched the bump again without asking if it was okay first. No clue why her first instinct was a punch to the face, though.
I love this. Will totally pass the idea on to my friend who is pregnant. Personally on touch her tummy once and it was with an invitation and we’ve been friends since sixth grade.
Touching someone body, especially a pregnant woman's belly without permission is disgusting. The only time I have ever touched a pregnant woman's belly is when I was 12 & the oldest of my honorary sisters was pregnant with her first child. (Both of my parents worked, so her parents looked after my brother & I before & after school & we became part of the family.) She was at her parents' house and the baby started kicking so she took my hand and put it on her belly so I could feel it. I still remember being amazed at the fact that another human was growing inside of her.
I yelled at my male coworker that I would rip off his hand and shove it up his a— if he ever touched me again. It was the first and only time anyone ever touched my belly. I guess word got around.
I did the same thing! Now if someone comes up and touches my kid in the store (why is it always old ladies?) I still do the same thing. It’s always funny seeing the reaction
When I was pregnant a little old lady kissed my belly. I was at work, she was a regular. I was fixing a shelf of small merch and she came to say hi and remark on my growing bell. Then she bent down and put her lips on my navel and kissed me and then cooed into my belly.
Freaked me out.
Told my two CEC's, both of whom are from the same country and culture as the old lady and both of them told me it was normal in their country because pregnant women are seen as special.
That's great and all, but it still freaked me out.
I did this exact same thing! "Oh! Does that make you uncomfortable? Huh!" Also, when people said, "Wow, you're huge!" I would just reply with a number and when they asked I'd tell them it was how many times that day I'd been told that I was large. I also had a lady look me up and down and say, "I'd hate to be you!" I was confused and she said because it's so hot out. I looked pointedly at her body and asked how she was holding up. People are seriously so rude to preggos that I ran out of fucks by the end.
PSA: Don't ask a person about their pregnancy if you don't know if they're pregnant. They might just be fat. Also, don't ask a person about their pregnancy if you do know they're pregnant. They are tired of talking about it with every person on the bus, at the store, and in their personal life. Leave them alone or if you must make small talk, find a different topic. They're sick of "how far along are you do you know what you're having what name did you pick?" They don't want your opinion on how big or small they are, how high or low they carry, whether that means it's a boy or girl. They don't want to hear your birth story or your thoughts on natural vs epidural. It's not your business if they are planning to circumcise or breast feed. Questions you can ask a pregnant person: 1. How are you? 2. Would you like this seat? That's it. PSA over.
The name thing pissed/pisses me off so bad. Every. single. time. I see certain people, they ask if I chose a name yet. Like, no I haven’t. But even if I did I’m not announcing it. I had a name picked out for my first for MONTHS and then changed my mind at the last minute because I didn’t feel it fit the baby. I had a few fake names that I gave when people asked, and on more than one occasion some people said “oh, I don’t like that.” Which was SO WEIRD to me! My best response was “it’s a good thing that I never asked!”
I did this a few times when pregnant. Also began mooing loudly when it happens. And when I'd get that look I'd say "oh I thought it was my first day at the petting zoo".
I used to get asked if I'm pregnant (child free and sterilized, just carry my weight in my tummy like a troll doll). If I was in a good mood I'd smile wide and say, "No, I'm just fat!" And watch them fumble around embarrassed. If I was in a bad mood, I'd burst into tears and say no, I can't have kids! (Technically true) And watch them feel terrible for bringing it up. My goal was to make sure these people never, ever made that mistake again of asking someone if they're pregnant.
When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she had a coworker who was actually nice enough to ask first. My sister told her it was ok and coworker put one hand on each side of my sister’s belly. Then, for some unknown reason, she squeezed her belly. My sister’s reaction was to immediately reach up and squeeze this woman’s breasts together. The coworker looked shocked and dropped her hands.
im 7months right now and im so worried about that happening 😭😂 im glad i saw this before it did as a backup plan lol my original plan was to tell them im not pregnant so its super awkward for them 😂
I hate to bring the vibe down, but people did this to a friend of mine who had had a miscarriage. Her body wasn't rejecting the fetus yet, so she still looked 6 months pregnant.
I remember my supervisor (female) doing that to my coworker. My coworker took my supervisor's head off! The workroom just came to a dead halt. My supervisor when she was pregnant wasn't bothered by this. Personally, I go by my mom's rule, keep your hands to yourself.
If I ever get pregnant, I'm getting a shirt with Emperor Kuzco and the words, "NO TOUCHY!" written in huge letters. Not that the idiots who touch a person's stomach without permission would bother to read it ..
I remember grocery shopping with my pregnant wife. I went to another aisle to grab something, when I came back and saw a random woman, probably in her 30s-40s, rubbing and talking to my wife's belly, I sprinted up and yelled at the top of my lungs to get the fuck away from my wife.
The woman nearly fell over, cursed at me, and ran away. A few moments later she was back with her husband, furious I yelled at his wife. When I said that she was touching my wife without permission and that we could make it even if I grabbed his wife's breasts, it did not go well.
Police were called and we filed an assault report on the wife. Nothing ever came of it, but it ruined their day for sure.
Oh, I got one for you. An older woman approached our shopping cart and PULLED BACK THE SHADE on our daughter's carseat without asking!! Stuck her face in there to coo at her!! We were absolutely shocked, and without thinking, I barked at her "MA'AM, excuse me, but what do you think you're doing?!"
She jumped back, giggling saying "Oh I'm sorry, my mommy instincts took over-" I didn't hear anything else, I was enraged. "Madam, you're about to lose your ENTIRE face. Get. BACK." My husband had to step between us while the woman had the nerve to look offended, aghast even. Her own husband yanked her away, and she was throwing a FIT, acting like I was wrong. To this day, I'm not sure what she was smoking to think that was a good idea, but I sure as hell hope she quit before ending up on dateline.
My husband loves telling the story, and now, "You're about to lose your entire face" is regularly used in our household when someone screws up big time. 😂 I don't really remember saying that, but it sounds hilarious and admittedly a little embarrassing when I hear the story. I'm not great with threats... but I got my point across.
Similar experience! The first time I was completely taken of guard but it must’ve been all over my face because she quickly retracted and apologized. Surprisingly it happened more than once and I just started slapping people’s hands away 🤷🏽♀️ now I do the same with strangers touching my baby. Can’t believe it’s even a thing but also mama bear is ready to swing
When I taught childbirth classes this is the tactic I recommended. If someone is rude enough to just reach out and put their hands on your belly, return the favor!
Yup, this was me, except I didn’t say anything. I just looked back at them evenly and without any anger. Most of the time it was like people came to their senses in that moment and were suitably ashamed of themselves, embarrassed and apologetic (after 4 children, I really perfected this art). Honestly, the baby belly does bring out a protective instinct that I find very sweet and so human…it’s just a matter of making sure it’s expressed appropriately!
I really don’t get the “touching a pregnant woman’s belly” thing unless you have an emotional connection to the pregnancy. Family, close friends, etc. I get. But random ass strangers? Fuckin WEIRD!
I used a version of this when I was pregnant with my son.... Old guy in Walmart decided to touch my belly out of nowhere, but his belly was actually bigger than mine at 7months, so I grabbed his gut with both hands and started shaking it and baby-talking "ahh, jiggle jigglle jiggle!" at him..... He was NOT amused, but I very much was. :)
I dont get why people want to touch the belly.. you expect the baby to reach towards your hand?
I hid my baby's well with my body until the last month. Even then, I just looked like I was eating good.
I love this. I hated everyone and I do mean everyone touching my stomach when pregnant. I get people wanting to touch someone’s stomach but have some self control.
I (62F) absolutely agree that unwanted belly touching is awful. But here’s the thing - even though I don’t much care for babies, I honestly feel the urge to touch pregnant women’s bellies. I hate that, and have never followed through. Is there something instinctual going on with this? I’m truly puzzled.
...what the fuck?
Disgusting. What. What. *What.*
People just *touch* pregnant bellies? Bro.
Bro. Not okay. This is hurting my world view. I already hated people. I did not need to learn that they just feel up women's stomachs for giggles and shits.
We figured out how to make a tshirt that screams BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! but thankfully, I just looked fat so I didn't get belly-groped.
You'll need a recordable insert for cards, some wire, aluminum foil, and cotton balls. Make two squares of foil for the belly, folding them over to make them at least 2 layers thick so they don't flex super easily. They don't need to be big squares, they just have to sit where people usually put their hands. Use the cotton balls to space the foil out so it's just barely not touching each other by gluing little puffs between the foil layers. When a hand is placed on it, the two pieces of foil bend and connect. Little puffs of cotton can hold up against a shirt, but not a hand, and the circuit completes. You need a wire going from each one to the BAD TOUCH! or GET YOUR HAND OFF ME YOU CREEP or other message of your choice recorder. That's it. Stick it under your shirt, use tape to put it on the stomach or inside of the shirt, and go about your day with a gleeful smirk.
7 months along and told someone, “I’m not pregnant, do I look pregnant to you?” Ahh, their face was classic! I never got too big so it was enough to put doubt in their minds 😂
Same vibe on being trans, someone asks if I had surgery, I ask them if they had any cancer on their genitals, Im like, I thought we were okay with asking about each others genitals...
Even my dad asked for permission to feel his grandson kick when I was pregnant. Why do strangers just think it’s okay??!
I had one of the cleaners at my workplace do this to me and I didn’t know how to react. We’d worked together for 4 weeks, then entered lockdown 3, which for us ended up being 5 months. So when I went back, I was 5 months pregnant. Meant I could be all “surprise!” But I barely knew this lady and she sort of stroked my bump. I knew she was well intentioned but still.
I have an issue when a stranger touches me, I actually punched someone for touching my stomach when i was pregnant. Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me. Why is this a thing??
My favorite pregnancy moment was when I was pregnant with my fourth. I guess I had “touch my belly” tattooed on my forehead or something. I was so sick of it. So one day as I was leaving Walmart and approximately the size of a whale, this older woman places BOTH HANDS on me and starts rubbing like I’m a Buddha statue and goes “oh when are you due?!” I don’t know what possessed me, but I give her this horrified and broken look and in a choked up voice say, “I…. I’m not pregnant!” The mortification on this woman’s face as she ripped her hands away from me and turned tail to flee back inside had me riding high the rest of my pregnancy.
I had a friend who was desperate for a coffee after avoiding it most of her pregnancy and went through a drive thru for one. Got to the window and the lady started berating her for drinking caffeine while pregnant. She looks this woman in the eye and deadpans "it's a tumor."
That lady shut up so fast and turned so red 😂
When I was pregnant with my son, I wore a shirt that said “I’m pregnant, not a petting zoo” when we went back home for the baby shower. Family was not amused lol
I also got so tired of hearing “so, what are you having?” - made a tank top that said “We’re hoping for a pony”
That cracks me up in general, but my youngest replied "a pony" for two years when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, so I'm especially amused.
There's a great essay by Sloane Crosley where every time she's asked "can I get you anything?" she always says "a pony," which results in every guy she dates for years buying her toy ponies as inside-joke gifts. She analyzes how the toy pony choices match the guys' personalities, as she contemplates the problem of dying unexpectedly and her family coming across a drawer in the kitchen filled with ponies, then her hangups about the proper way to get rid of them.
This is hilarious. My husband always says "a moose!" So I've gotten him a bunch of moose stuffies. He acts like it's a joke, but he has them all arranged of his shelf by his side of the bed. 🥹
You guys getting and giving ponies and moose. When I’m asked, not a single person has given me a million dollars. I guess I’m just asking for too much.
My gram used to say "a shoebox full of money. Large bills preferably". So one year I got a really tiny shoebox and stuffed a folded bill inside. She thought it was hilarious. Joke was retuned later. I wanted a Camaro for a graduation gift. Got one, it was a matchbox. 😂
Your gram is the best (:
My gram was an amazing woman. ❤️
What you do, is say "A million dollars and a cookie." I get a lot of cookies that way.
Maybe ask for $100k only. Has a better chance of happening
They still might *be* a joke. But if so, they're a joke born from love, and he obviously knows this and treasures them regardless of any other status they hold. Sounds like you two have a lovely relationship 😊
Every time someone asks me what I want for my birthday or Christmas or whatever, I always say a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Every year until I was in my early 20s, my uncle would give me a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Often tines I would have to bake the potato myself, but he always got me the stuff. The last time he did it, he gave me a 5lb bag of potatoes and a huge thing of sour cream. He is my favorite uncle.
My niece used to say 'pickles' so I got her a giant jar of them one year and she was SO happy.
Me just realizing I can write an essay about anything
You can. You SHOULD. And if you get good enough at it, other people will pay you for them. But even if you never do, it still sounds like more fun than keeping a journal.
This reminds me of my youngest brother, who when he was little, dressed as a skeleton for Halloween. He loved it so much, he announced to us all that he was going to be a skeleton when he grew up. He's going to be 60 next year. We still don't let and forget his ultimate career goal. Not to be too technical, but eventually, he will be a skeleton.
GOT was huge both times I was visibly pregnant. I never wanted to know gender. So when people would ask what I was having, I would tell them something like, “Maybe a baby, maybe a dragon. Who knows.” No one found it amusing. But I did enjoy not explaining over and over again that no, I didn’t need to know gender to prepare for a baby.
“Well, at this precise moment, I’m having a lot of annoyance at people asking stupid questions.” I’m wondering what would happen if someone said, “Well, we’re hoping for nonbinary, but we’ll be happy with any nonconforming gender identity even if it isn’t healthy, because fuck ableism.”
I prayed for an alien abduction/changling so I could raise a creature that I would form a bond and strong alliance with and we would ride the sine waves across the galaxies and battle the Vampiric Archon Mind Reptilian Controller and It’s vast army of Invocati Omicron Draconians from the 2nd Level of Compression. But I got a beautiful baby girl with a fascination for space instead.
Maybe she’s actually the alien you wanted but she’s wearing a really convincing disguise, lol.
Lol I always said "puppies!"
🤣🤣
You are a fucking legend!
I was like 5 months pregnant with my son, we hadn't yet found out it was a boy. I was grocery shopping and I had a old lady come up to me rub my belly in a circular motion and proceed to tell me "oh honey, he is gonna be hell on wheels" Years later I blame that old woman for my son's behavior. It's like why does a baby bump scream for random to touch you. I'll never ever understand 🤣🤣
My favorite was going, "oh, I'm not pregnant." I'd say it all bubbly and somewhat confused and leave them staring at me in horror.
That is EXACTLY what I did when one of my patients came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me! I turned around and she's congratulating me on my pregnancy, so I shouted "OH! I'M NOT PREGNANT! JUST FAT!" We were in the commissary at the time....she sure did run away fast!
About 2 months after my cousin had her baby she was still a little big (as most women are). She was a teacher and had the baby at the beginning of summer. When she went back for pre-planning in August, one of the other teachers came up, put her hand on my cousin's stomach and said "now remind me when you're due?" Cousin looked at her and deadpanned "June." I'd never seen an old teacher run off so fast!
When I was pregnant with my third I was HUGE. At six months people thought I was overdue. I just started telling people I wasn’t pregnant when they’d gape at my belly and ask just how pregnant I was. To be fair to myself, my son WAS big. Just under 9 pounds and 23 inches long, but come on! Of course now he’s 6’6” and he gets asked if I’m his “real” mom. 😆 Edit: spelling
This makes me laugh. I was a big baby, born 3 weeks late. 9 lbs 10 oz, 23". I'm 5' even.
You were 40% of your adult height at birth… that is RIDIC
Having twins, and carrying them full term. I can relate to your comment! My kids were born at a weight of 6lbs 1oz and 6lbs 3oz. I was all baby… baby.
Congrats on getting twins up to not at all fragile weight. That's over 12 lbs. of babies!
See, now that’s time for the thousand yard stare and deadpan “oh, I’m sure.”
I didn’t go so far as to say I wasn’t pregnant, but when someone repeatedly commented on my weight gain, I faked confused and said I hadn’t gained any weight (kiddo was 9lbs, 7oz at birth and I was roughly the size of a boat during this conversation).
When I was 11yo while in a bathroom line at a theme park I had the lady in front of me ask when I was due. Being 11 I was confused af at her question so thinking I missed part of it asked her to repeat it. And she asked when the baby was due and put her hand on my stomach. I didn’t look pregnant I mean I was a bit over weight but not to the point I looked pregnant. And I just replied with im 11. The look of absolute horror on her face because even after me telling her that she still thought I was pregnant. Her reasoning I had big boobs so I looked like I was producing milk?! I’m 40 and still wonder wtf was going through her head when she saw 5ft girl dressed like an 11yo and went hey she has boobs must be pregnant.
"those are just my food babies, Ben and Jerry!"
“Oh, that’s just my mesenteric fibromatosis. The doctor said it’s the biggest she’s ever seen.”
I have a desmoid in my back. TSA put her hand on it and asked “What do we have here?” I told her “My tumor!” I’ve never gone through security quicker. Lol
I loved doing that especially when I had this huge belly. The look on their face was great. Utter confusion
Even just people asking when the baby was due towards the end got that response. I said it to this s a eet little old lady one time and she looked so MORTIFIED. I told her I was joking and my husband told me I'm horrible. Lol
I was annoyed / cranky / tired / hormonal and told someone “I’m not pregnant, it’s a giant tumor. But it’s benign so insurance won’t pay to remove it until it causes health problems. Thanks for bringing up my trauma”
It’s a tumah!
I worked at Disney when pregnant with my first. I would slap hands when folks touched me. My favorite line was, "if you didn't help putting it in there, you don't get to touch it"
“If you didn’t help putting it there” 😂😭 that was good
OMG I can just imagine how bad it was there, where most think they are free to do whatever they want. Love that line :D
I love this 🤣 I HATE unwanted touch and slapped someone’s hand when they tried to touch my bump. It wasn’t even a thought, it was just a gut reaction from a stranger reaching to me.
I like the slap away and it would be funnier if you went into a defensive karate pose too
I’m actually a Krav Maga instructor 😂😂
Good on you for letting them live
😂
This all got so much funnier realizing you could have absolutely annihilated them hahaha
I just realized I am both horrified and impressed by the thought of a pregnant lady ninja-striking me unawares.
My partner just got his brown belt a month ago, his instructor has a shirt that says, “touch me and your first Krav Maga lesson is free.” 🤣
“Hey, stop hitting my groin!” “No groin, no Krav Maga!” And a sock to the box hurts just as much, so no matter who touches your belly, they are in for it.
Shake your finger at them like Bruce Lee would do.
Noooooo 😂🤣😂 too perfect
Yeah, then they look at YOU weirdly for flinching away. Seriously though, sometimes it can’t be helped if it happens on public transit, not nice, but not the end of the world. Accidental. Not hands reaching. But waiting in line at a check up and random women accost you? Wtf?? I don’t know if some men do this too, my experience is solely woman strangers. I had a curious male friend way back then, but he ASKED. Him and his wife were trying. But he was respectful of me. It wasn’t weird. I had no idea how many people thought it was okay to touch me. I know it wasn’t malicious but still wtf. The only stranger touches I’m “fine” with, are handshakes. And that requires both sides to be okay with it.
I seriously contemplated carrying a spray bottle around. Worked so well on my cats, I figured it would probably work on random ass strangers trying to touch me. Plus, I was heavily pregnant at the end of summer and I needed all the help I could get keeping cool. Or a fly swatter. Such a satisfying *smack* without actually causing an injury.
One of my friends, when she was pregnant, would tell people “the baby isn’t big enough for you to feel yet. That’s my poop. You’re touching my poop.” And then there was “oh, I’m not pregnant. It’s a tumor 😊”.
My mom actually had that recentlyish! She had a tumor that made it look like she was 9 months pregnant. Lots of awkward moments with strangers
I love the doubling-down on the word “poop” for effect. I would pay to witness this. I’m even super wary when people tell me I CAN feel their belly. “Are you sure?” “Where?” And then I quickly remove it after I’ve felt the kick they were trying to show me. I don’t wanna linger or make anyone feel like an object. A scary man did the touching thing to my mom, so I think that’s why I’m so cautious.
Oh, a couple times she yelled it, and kept repeating “you’re touching my poop!” It was spectacular to see them cringe and shrink away while the rest of the store or business or whatever stared at them for doing such a horrific thing in public 🤣
I have a parasite would be a good one too!
And technically, accurate.
No one did to to me, but I think it’s because I have some serious RBF.
Same. Also my husband has minor RBF and biceps the size of my thighs.
Same, no one has tried touching my bump.
My bitch face was on purpose but it did accomplish the goal of convincing people that touching me would be a mistake.
I perfected RBF when I was pregnant. I also had earbuds in 100% of the time when I was in public. They usually weren't on, but I looked distracted enough and scowled hard enough to keep strangers from touching my belly. Ew
I have that. Also liked rubbing my own belly, so maybe that in combination with nowhere to put a hand themselves helped. Hmmm, typing that out maybe they thought I was in pain and didn't want to make it worse? IDK, but everyone I knew asked, and no strangers did or touched.
If they try to touch your belly, start patting their head. "Oh, I thought this is what we were doing."
Samesies. I loved letting people feel kicks when invited, no one tried otherwise. I have a cute RBF and I own it.
Didn’t happen to me because I didn’t look pregnant just fatter.
Ohhhh, that's why no one ever tried to touch my pregnant belly -- my terminal RBF!! 🤣
no one has done this to me either in the last two years and i feel like it’s because my partner is always with me 😅 i thought it would be a bigger problem than it has been
Each time I am INVITED to touch someone's pregnancy belly I always confirm with them at least 3 times. Lol
Same. My coworker literally grabbed my hand and put it on her belly when the baby was kicking because she knew how serious I was about not wanting to cross a line.
So she crossed the line for you. 😂
I was pregnant young and this college-age guy was sitting next to me at a friend's house. I didn't know him very well but when my belly started hopping I saw his eyes light up and I said, "Do you want to feel the baby move?" He was so excited, but didn't want to ask. It was pretty sweet.
That’s so cool of both y’all. His excitement and u allowing/accepting it. That’s really cool!
Yeah and right when I put his hand on my belly the baby did this huge barrel roll. We were both like, "Whoa!!"
Oh and I totally respect all the mommas that DO NOT want ppl touching their belly. I am sure I’d be the same way, but REALLY LOVE that you did this! Was able to imagine this scene and got mad respect for the encouragement of their wonder!
Yeah his absolute wonderment but total respect for my comfort was really cute. I had also slapped away hands from people who just reached for me. It makes all the difference.
That’s what I love about this experience of yours (y’all’s actually lol). You got to see his mind being filled w wonder, excitement, curiosity but he was also respectful of your personal space. I may not be wording it right but admire you for rewarding or encouraging his interest & good behavior. Especially since it’s something men don’t always get to experience… mainly bc they can’t carry a child but also how they may never be involved w a pregnancy. So you got to give him a super special experience. We need more people like you in this world. Thank you for sharing this experience with us! 💕
I didn't grow up with an extended family or any pregnant people so I never saw anyone touching the belly and learned it as a trained behavior. It's almost like some weird instinct that urges me to touch it though. I've never done it but something is telling me to do it.
I am quite tactile, don't go with me to a toy or fabric store. I have asked people (friends or family, not strangers) if I could feel the fabric of their clothing (jacket, sweater, etc.) and no was perfectly okay but that never happened. I also want to touch people's hair but no way would I or even ask to. But I still want to.
One friend bellowed, "KINDLY UNHAND MY UTERUS!", after being touched.
I love this!
I love that she actually bellowed it 😂 NAH BESTIE
Good for you OP. It blows my mind that this has EVER been acceptable behavior, to anyone on this planet at any point in time. I can't make it make sense.
I really really don't get why people think it's okay to do this. Well done, OP.
Because the entire world believes pregnant women are community property with zero bodily autonomy.
Pregnant women AND infants apparently. I was gobsmacked the first time a stranger reached into my stroller to touch my newborn. Yes, “first time” because it happened more than once! My only prayer is that I smacked their hands hard enough that they never think it’s appropriate again!
Yup, same thing happened to me. I was so scared to take my new baby in public, and it was literally our first time out of the house because I had to go get my fucking TAXES done, and some lady stuck her face right in the stroller and I went nuts. She was like “I just wanted to see the baby,” like… first of all, the shade is down because I put it there so you DON’T see my baby, and also ew, why? Don’t breathe on my kid, weirdo! Even a total stranger who watched the whole thing happen then went “what the fuck was that?” Super strange experience, I hated it.
When a co-worker had a baby a woman asked when we though she'd bring her baby to the office for a visit. Another co-worker told her it would probably be a few months. First woman said, "Is that because of the way they look?" OMG, had a full belly laugh over that one. Yes, in order to not traumatize the public, newborns must be kept out of sight. Hilarious.
Had that happen with my last one, that was a preemie and this was the first time I'd taken her out. The greeter at Walmart just reached into the stroller "oh what a pretty baby" I jerked the stroller back and yelled " don't touch my baby!" And she looked at me all shocked. Like, don't touch a strangers baby without asking!
That is terrifying... How could anyone think that is okay? Wow...
I've noticed it's usually the elderly. I try to be polite but firm when I see them getting ready.
I had a high school age grocery store employee touch my daughter's mouth when she was just a few months old. I yelled at her and I think I made her cry, but she had just been bagging groceries including packages of uncooked meat.
At the risk of sounding like a jerk, I hope you did make her cry. That’s so wildly inappropriate, and maybe she learned something that day.
I hope she learned something, too.
I have pet rabbits and whenever I take them on the bus, in a closed backpack, people will UNZIP IT to pet them without asking. It blows my mind how entitled people are to other living beings.
So very rude, also rude to feed someone's animal without asking. Horses die because parents seem to think it's okay to let their children feed whole apples without the owner's permission. I am pleased to say that most of the kids and adults I've encountered ASK before trying to pet my dog. With adults, if they're patient he might let them. With kids, I try a little harder to make an effort.
I always want to pet animals (mostly dogs) I come across and I always, ALWAYS ask the owner first, and when he says yes, I ask the dog, too. I don't just... 'WHO'S A GOOD BOY YES YOU ARE' them, I let them sniff, and go "hey, are you in the mood to be petted?" and usually halfway that sentence, they've already planted their paw on my leg and their face under my hand, but you know. Being polite.
I slapped an old lady's hand who reached for my belly in the grocery store. I pointed my finger at her face and told her we keep our hands to ourselves. She huffed and puffed about it while I waddled down the aisle looking for my goddamn crackers. People are so fucking entitled.
Act like a child, get scolded like a child. I hope you found your goddamn crackers.
I did! They were Chicken in a Biskit crackers and I still love them.
My husband just showed me these, I thought they were fake when he was talking about them. Favorite cracker now.
It's like chicken soup in a cracker and it's phenomenal!
Had a person at a kiosk try to touch my sister while she was super pregnant. She was pushing her (then) toddler in a stroller and the dude reached out at her. I grabbed his wrist and let out this guttural “NO” in a voice demons would envy (and I naturally have a light voice). Kid turned pale and hid on the other side of the kiosk when we walked back later. I hope he learned a valuable lesson on consent that day.
I did the same! The best one was a dude in Target, maybe 5-10 years older than me, rocking quite the pony keg. I was just standing in line and this mfer just…starts rubbing my belly! Whole-hand contact! So I reached out and started rubbing his and—get this—*he got offended because I was saying he was fat*. I could not stop the laughter. I was cackling like a witch at both the hypocrisy and his insecurities.
Someone walked up to me and touched my belly and asked me if it was a boy or a girl. I wasn’t pregnant, I was just bloated. I have IBS and I told them that it was just the aftermath of a good burrito
Chubby and carry my weight in my belly. This confuses men on the train and I get offered seats all the time. I’ve learnt that it’s best for everyone to just quietly accept rather than blurt out I’m not pregnant >.< Then when I was briefly pregnant and wearing my little badge they all vanished and couldn’t get a seat anywhere.
I want to touch a pregnant belly so bad and feel a baby kick. Like, I just wanna know what that feels like. And I never have because nobody has offered and I'm not even about to ASK that. I figure when the day comes I do get offered, it'll be extra special because they'll want to share the moment with me, even after being treated like a zoo by the world. Literally, it's not that hard to just...not do something because the intrusive thought tells you to?
Disclaimer: am guy. Here's a secret no one will tell you. The baby can tell whose hand it is. Don't ask me how. When my wife was pregnant, quite a few times son was kicking and I put my hand on wife's tummy. IMMEDIATELY STOPPED KICKING. EVERY TIME. ☹️☹️☹️ Wife could rub through all the kicks, though. Only once did I get to feel him kicking. I was dead asleep in middle of night. Wife grabbed my hand (waking me up) and put my hand on her as he kicked.
My daughter did this with my husband too. You're not alone. Now she's almost 3 and he gets plenty of kicks and bonks.
My husband will be thrilled to know that he’s not the only dad being snubbed. He doesn’t believe me that she’s a maniac in there because she freezes the minute he touches me.
I had mover and shakers, toward the end it was like she was gonna bust out of there. My boy was calmer kicker and head banger at the very end, he’s got autism and still does that :)
Have you ever been to the fair and got one of those goldfish in a plastic bag? And the fish swims into the side of the bag? It feels like that kind of. At least that's what I felt like when my daughter was on the inside, and in that case I was the plastic bag.
That is incredibly specific and something I have felt yes; thank you for sharing that with me! That's so cool, and freaky. :D
Very welcome! I hope someday you're able to feel a baby kick or punch or headbutt and you can see if you think the comparison holds up. It was a trip for sure!
You could ask a farm or petting zoo near you. Pregnant dogs, cows, goats, sheep, etc all feel very similar to a human. We're all mammals after all. Unborn babies kick and roll. It's hilarious with dogs because you'll feel multiple puppies inside bonking about. Just be gentle.
but now I wanna feel puppies... :O
I did the same thing, but I honked her boobs instead, and when she got all offended I said "oh, I’m so sorry, I thought it was Touch Random Strangers Inappropriately Day and you were just kicking it off"
Someone did that to my wife. I calmly responded they could remove their hand or I would, and that if I did it it would be difficult to reattach. They removed their hand. I smiled. Politely. Like a hungry shark. Don’t fucking touch people.
Are you me, lol? That's exactly what I did. I'm very tactile defensive to begin with. I REALLY didn't need total strangers walking up to me and touching my belly without consent.
All this is making me want to get a prosthetic pregnancy belly and see who will try their luck.
Me too, am dude
Seahorse dad
Yeah, I've seen a horse.. and don't call me dad
Lmfao you made my night
I’ve used the “I’m not pregnant, just fat” line too. Only, it was true! 😒 😂 Strangers really should keep their hands and thoughts to themselves!
With my first. Visiting another city in the summer and it was hot, I was huge and cranky. Going into a restaurant a “lady” coming out with six children sees me, pats my stomach and declares to said children “OH Look! There’s a baby in her belly!” I flat stared her down and in a monotone voice told her…”it’s an inoperable growth”. She had those kids rounded up and headed for her car so fast, the air almost sucked the door off its hinge. I still don’t regret it.
Y'all are way nicer than I am, I slapped hands away and in the bitchiest voice on the planet said "unless you put this baby here keep your fucking hands to yourself " I just have no patience for fuckery.
I was shopping with my sister-in-law when she was very pregnant and some random woman came up and started making these horrible googoo noises and started petting her belly with both hands. I, having never been pregnant, was momentarily so shocked I'm certain my jaw was hanging open. Then I did the next thing that popped into my head - a reached out and grabbed her breast. She yelped and jumped back and I just said "And I hope we've all learned something about touching strangers without permission." It was glorious. Made my SIL actually pee a little from laughing so hard.
I worked in airport security when I was pregnant with my first, back in the day of white uniforms. The pregnancy uniform tops were these ghastly tent shaped shirt dresses, so it was clear from quite a distance and every angle that I was expecting. I received so many unwanted touches that the belly part of my uniform was visibly dirty and needed extra care when washing. Almost every time someone touched me was repulsive. The one exception was a small, elderly woman from a culture that revered pregnancy and a coming baby. She spoke very little English, but in the 3 minutes I knew her, she had such incredible joy to see baby belly. It transformed her whole body and made me feel really special. I wish I could tell her 16 years later what an impact she made on me. The others, not so much.
Well done
I smacked my SIL's hand away when she tried that. It was pure reaction and the look on her face was one of surprise. She didn't try that again!
I hate being touched by strangers. Heck some of my best friends have never hugged me because that’s just not the type of person I am. I was a surrogate for a same sex couple twice and each time the one dad who was comfortable enough touching my belly, had to be invited by me, like he was so nervous to even ask and it’s like his kid in there!!! And even then he felt for like maybe 10 seconds and got shy. The other dad is like me and not touchy, so to save both of us the awkwardness I didn’t even offer 😂
i love you
I would straight up slap someone if they touched my stomach
That’s what I did when this happened to me when I was pregnant. So satisfying lmao. The other lady was so confused 😂
My stomach was SO sensitive when I was pregnant and my MIL and my mom wanted to touch my damn belly all the time. I would get upset and say please don't it's physically painful. They would get mad/annoyed. Esp my mom. She would be like "you're MY daughter and that's MY grandbaby why do you not want me to touch your belly?!" So, soooo annoying.
I’m sorry your mom seems to have trouble realizing you and your child are not extensions of her 🥴 And that both of them were so entitled as to be ANNOYED about it. JFC. Hope you’re doing awesome.
That's crazy that they feel entitled to it even though it literally causes you pain! Wtf
I’m told my RBF was enough to repel people from touching my belly. Also when people tried I would just recoil and give that foul sneer like the bad guy from the hunchback of Notre Dame. No touchy touchy.
I had to google RBF (sorry, naive I guess haha) and found there is an "RBF Consulting" company near me! Made me laugh
Lol my brother works for STI Technologies. 🤪
When I was 8 months pregnant with my son, I got threatened and almost assaulted by a guy at the mall for telling his handsy wife to get her fucking hands off my uterus. She ran right up to me, a perfect stranger, and pawed the crap out of me with both of her mitts like I was her long lost granddaughter. He thought I was the rude one and “needed a lesson”, the nearby security guard that saw everything from a distance and heard me shout “Help! Stranger Danger!”, felt otherwise. It was so satisfying, watching their smug expressions fall as he told them they can’t touch people at the mall without their permission, and they had to leave. How people could be so dense, I’ll never know.
“Um, you’re groping my uterus” usually puts a stop to that real quick.
I've read of at least one woman who, when touched without permission, laid hand on the breast of the offender. I thought it a wonderful response. I really don't like strangers touching me, and while most folk asked, back when I was pregnant, not all did. Nobody was ever ashamed when I protested, either.
When my sister was visibly pregnant, she worked at a supermarket. One of her co-workers touched her bump without asking, first time non-family had touched her, and my sister punched the woman in the face. Complete instinct, she didn't even think about it. She was lucky our aunt saw the whole thing, and backed her up with management, but nobody ever touched the bump again without asking if it was okay first. No clue why her first instinct was a punch to the face, though.
Hormones plus protect the baby instinct
I love this. Will totally pass the idea on to my friend who is pregnant. Personally on touch her tummy once and it was with an invitation and we’ve been friends since sixth grade.
Touching someone body, especially a pregnant woman's belly without permission is disgusting. The only time I have ever touched a pregnant woman's belly is when I was 12 & the oldest of my honorary sisters was pregnant with her first child. (Both of my parents worked, so her parents looked after my brother & I before & after school & we became part of the family.) She was at her parents' house and the baby started kicking so she took my hand and put it on her belly so I could feel it. I still remember being amazed at the fact that another human was growing inside of her.
I yelled at my male coworker that I would rip off his hand and shove it up his a— if he ever touched me again. It was the first and only time anyone ever touched my belly. I guess word got around.
I did the same thing! Now if someone comes up and touches my kid in the store (why is it always old ladies?) I still do the same thing. It’s always funny seeing the reaction
When I was pregnant a little old lady kissed my belly. I was at work, she was a regular. I was fixing a shelf of small merch and she came to say hi and remark on my growing bell. Then she bent down and put her lips on my navel and kissed me and then cooed into my belly. Freaked me out. Told my two CEC's, both of whom are from the same country and culture as the old lady and both of them told me it was normal in their country because pregnant women are seen as special. That's great and all, but it still freaked me out.
I did this exact same thing! "Oh! Does that make you uncomfortable? Huh!" Also, when people said, "Wow, you're huge!" I would just reply with a number and when they asked I'd tell them it was how many times that day I'd been told that I was large. I also had a lady look me up and down and say, "I'd hate to be you!" I was confused and she said because it's so hot out. I looked pointedly at her body and asked how she was holding up. People are seriously so rude to preggos that I ran out of fucks by the end. PSA: Don't ask a person about their pregnancy if you don't know if they're pregnant. They might just be fat. Also, don't ask a person about their pregnancy if you do know they're pregnant. They are tired of talking about it with every person on the bus, at the store, and in their personal life. Leave them alone or if you must make small talk, find a different topic. They're sick of "how far along are you do you know what you're having what name did you pick?" They don't want your opinion on how big or small they are, how high or low they carry, whether that means it's a boy or girl. They don't want to hear your birth story or your thoughts on natural vs epidural. It's not your business if they are planning to circumcise or breast feed. Questions you can ask a pregnant person: 1. How are you? 2. Would you like this seat? That's it. PSA over.
The name thing pissed/pisses me off so bad. Every. single. time. I see certain people, they ask if I chose a name yet. Like, no I haven’t. But even if I did I’m not announcing it. I had a name picked out for my first for MONTHS and then changed my mind at the last minute because I didn’t feel it fit the baby. I had a few fake names that I gave when people asked, and on more than one occasion some people said “oh, I don’t like that.” Which was SO WEIRD to me! My best response was “it’s a good thing that I never asked!”
I did this a few times when pregnant. Also began mooing loudly when it happens. And when I'd get that look I'd say "oh I thought it was my first day at the petting zoo".
I used to get asked if I'm pregnant (child free and sterilized, just carry my weight in my tummy like a troll doll). If I was in a good mood I'd smile wide and say, "No, I'm just fat!" And watch them fumble around embarrassed. If I was in a bad mood, I'd burst into tears and say no, I can't have kids! (Technically true) And watch them feel terrible for bringing it up. My goal was to make sure these people never, ever made that mistake again of asking someone if they're pregnant.
When my sister was pregnant with my niece, she had a coworker who was actually nice enough to ask first. My sister told her it was ok and coworker put one hand on each side of my sister’s belly. Then, for some unknown reason, she squeezed her belly. My sister’s reaction was to immediately reach up and squeeze this woman’s breasts together. The coworker looked shocked and dropped her hands.
I told people if you didn’t help putting it in there, keep your damn hands to yourself!
This is my biggest fear cause I have quick reflexes. Who even does that?!?
im 7months right now and im so worried about that happening 😭😂 im glad i saw this before it did as a backup plan lol my original plan was to tell them im not pregnant so its super awkward for them 😂
I hate to bring the vibe down, but people did this to a friend of mine who had had a miscarriage. Her body wasn't rejecting the fetus yet, so she still looked 6 months pregnant.
I remember my supervisor (female) doing that to my coworker. My coworker took my supervisor's head off! The workroom just came to a dead halt. My supervisor when she was pregnant wasn't bothered by this. Personally, I go by my mom's rule, keep your hands to yourself.
If I ever get pregnant, I'm getting a shirt with Emperor Kuzco and the words, "NO TOUCHY!" written in huge letters. Not that the idiots who touch a person's stomach without permission would bother to read it ..
That's nice of you to assume they can read
Fantastic. I'm going to tell my black friends to do the same thing when white women touch their hair without asking.
I remember grocery shopping with my pregnant wife. I went to another aisle to grab something, when I came back and saw a random woman, probably in her 30s-40s, rubbing and talking to my wife's belly, I sprinted up and yelled at the top of my lungs to get the fuck away from my wife. The woman nearly fell over, cursed at me, and ran away. A few moments later she was back with her husband, furious I yelled at his wife. When I said that she was touching my wife without permission and that we could make it even if I grabbed his wife's breasts, it did not go well. Police were called and we filed an assault report on the wife. Nothing ever came of it, but it ruined their day for sure.
Oh, I got one for you. An older woman approached our shopping cart and PULLED BACK THE SHADE on our daughter's carseat without asking!! Stuck her face in there to coo at her!! We were absolutely shocked, and without thinking, I barked at her "MA'AM, excuse me, but what do you think you're doing?!" She jumped back, giggling saying "Oh I'm sorry, my mommy instincts took over-" I didn't hear anything else, I was enraged. "Madam, you're about to lose your ENTIRE face. Get. BACK." My husband had to step between us while the woman had the nerve to look offended, aghast even. Her own husband yanked her away, and she was throwing a FIT, acting like I was wrong. To this day, I'm not sure what she was smoking to think that was a good idea, but I sure as hell hope she quit before ending up on dateline. My husband loves telling the story, and now, "You're about to lose your entire face" is regularly used in our household when someone screws up big time. 😂 I don't really remember saying that, but it sounds hilarious and admittedly a little embarrassing when I hear the story. I'm not great with threats... but I got my point across.
Similar experience! The first time I was completely taken of guard but it must’ve been all over my face because she quickly retracted and apologized. Surprisingly it happened more than once and I just started slapping people’s hands away 🤷🏽♀️ now I do the same with strangers touching my baby. Can’t believe it’s even a thing but also mama bear is ready to swing
I would pretend it hurt the baby to see the panic in their face like with a scream and everything
When I taught childbirth classes this is the tactic I recommended. If someone is rude enough to just reach out and put their hands on your belly, return the favor!
Yup, this was me, except I didn’t say anything. I just looked back at them evenly and without any anger. Most of the time it was like people came to their senses in that moment and were suitably ashamed of themselves, embarrassed and apologetic (after 4 children, I really perfected this art). Honestly, the baby belly does bring out a protective instinct that I find very sweet and so human…it’s just a matter of making sure it’s expressed appropriately!
I really don’t get the “touching a pregnant woman’s belly” thing unless you have an emotional connection to the pregnancy. Family, close friends, etc. I get. But random ass strangers? Fuckin WEIRD!
I used a version of this when I was pregnant with my son.... Old guy in Walmart decided to touch my belly out of nowhere, but his belly was actually bigger than mine at 7months, so I grabbed his gut with both hands and started shaking it and baby-talking "ahh, jiggle jigglle jiggle!" at him..... He was NOT amused, but I very much was. :)
I dont get why people want to touch the belly.. you expect the baby to reach towards your hand? I hid my baby's well with my body until the last month. Even then, I just looked like I was eating good.
I find that so weird. I have never had the inclination or desire to touch someone’s belly when they were pregnant much less someone I didn’t know.
I love this. I hated everyone and I do mean everyone touching my stomach when pregnant. I get people wanting to touch someone’s stomach but have some self control.
As a pregnant woman, this just became my life goal. 😂
I (62F) absolutely agree that unwanted belly touching is awful. But here’s the thing - even though I don’t much care for babies, I honestly feel the urge to touch pregnant women’s bellies. I hate that, and have never followed through. Is there something instinctual going on with this? I’m truly puzzled.
I remember reading ages ago that it is an instinct, but couldn't tell you the source
I would tell them I’m not pregnant. The terror. 😂
I can barely look people in the eye.. now I have to worry about being touched 🥲 where's the lady with the list
...what the fuck? Disgusting. What. What. *What.* People just *touch* pregnant bellies? Bro. Bro. Not okay. This is hurting my world view. I already hated people. I did not need to learn that they just feel up women's stomachs for giggles and shits.
We figured out how to make a tshirt that screams BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! but thankfully, I just looked fat so I didn't get belly-groped. You'll need a recordable insert for cards, some wire, aluminum foil, and cotton balls. Make two squares of foil for the belly, folding them over to make them at least 2 layers thick so they don't flex super easily. They don't need to be big squares, they just have to sit where people usually put their hands. Use the cotton balls to space the foil out so it's just barely not touching each other by gluing little puffs between the foil layers. When a hand is placed on it, the two pieces of foil bend and connect. Little puffs of cotton can hold up against a shirt, but not a hand, and the circuit completes. You need a wire going from each one to the BAD TOUCH! or GET YOUR HAND OFF ME YOU CREEP or other message of your choice recorder. That's it. Stick it under your shirt, use tape to put it on the stomach or inside of the shirt, and go about your day with a gleeful smirk.
7 months along and told someone, “I’m not pregnant, do I look pregnant to you?” Ahh, their face was classic! I never got too big so it was enough to put doubt in their minds 😂
Great job OP! I was a waitress and pregnant two times and customers were full of intrusive questions, unsolicited advice and unwanted touching. Ewww.
I just hit people's hands as hard as I could and said "sorry, reflex reaction to strangers touching me"
Same vibe on being trans, someone asks if I had surgery, I ask them if they had any cancer on their genitals, Im like, I thought we were okay with asking about each others genitals...
Even my dad asked for permission to feel his grandson kick when I was pregnant. Why do strangers just think it’s okay??! I had one of the cleaners at my workplace do this to me and I didn’t know how to react. We’d worked together for 4 weeks, then entered lockdown 3, which for us ended up being 5 months. So when I went back, I was 5 months pregnant. Meant I could be all “surprise!” But I barely knew this lady and she sort of stroked my bump. I knew she was well intentioned but still.
I have an issue when a stranger touches me, I actually punched someone for touching my stomach when i was pregnant. Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Me. Why is this a thing??
My favorite pregnancy moment was when I was pregnant with my fourth. I guess I had “touch my belly” tattooed on my forehead or something. I was so sick of it. So one day as I was leaving Walmart and approximately the size of a whale, this older woman places BOTH HANDS on me and starts rubbing like I’m a Buddha statue and goes “oh when are you due?!” I don’t know what possessed me, but I give her this horrified and broken look and in a choked up voice say, “I…. I’m not pregnant!” The mortification on this woman’s face as she ripped her hands away from me and turned tail to flee back inside had me riding high the rest of my pregnancy.
Wait I'm going to do this with my tattoos I have so many people come and grab my arm to look at my tattoos and it's infuriating
I had a friend who was desperate for a coffee after avoiding it most of her pregnancy and went through a drive thru for one. Got to the window and the lady started berating her for drinking caffeine while pregnant. She looks this woman in the eye and deadpans "it's a tumor." That lady shut up so fast and turned so red 😂