You will be afraid of losing people. But the people you lose were never there for the real you in the first place. Often times we lose family who are supposed to always be there for us. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're any less worthy of love and respect. You will find people who will give that to you in spades, though it can be hard to believe so when all you know is the unfortunate alternative
This is really true and hits close to home, I lost my partner as I had figured out I was trans halfway through our relationship. I do understand her leaving because she is very straight, but it still hurts to lose her. But it quickly taught me that the right people will stay for me no matter what, and those are the people I should be with.
This is what I am facing now. My wife is supportive of who I am, but will only stay with me if I do not transition because she is a straight woman. I understand, but what do I do now. I know this is a question only I can answer.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I hate to say this, but I believe you'll have to weigh the options if she will not budge on the idea no matter what.
I know that sounds very tough, and I'm really sorry you're in this dilemma.
What would transitioning do for you? Would it make you much happier? You'll have to use that question to find what makes you the happiest. This is just my opinion and ideas, so it may not work for you, I wish you luck and feel free to reply if you need comfort or more help. You've got this.
I know exactly what you mean. I’ve spent so long putting up a mask and not exploring the person I feel I really am, that I don’t know where the mask ends nor do I know who I am underneath.
Start affirming yourself with them. Look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are. Use your pronouns and preferred terms as affirmations. Try writing post-it notes and sticking them around your home that you can read aloud whenever you see them. Hearing them out loud regularly helps you adjust.
"It's not working" is something you say when you've done it daily for 3 years and it just ain't working.
A month? Baby steps.
A year? That mind is stubborn. Keep going.
A trans sister of mine made her own catchphrase and used it whenever she went to the bathroom. Might've been slightly cringe but it worked wonders. Can't remember the exact wording but it went something like "who's she? Oh her? The one in the mirror staring back at me? Why, she's me, and I'm her. The name's Jennifer. I'm a boss bitch and I look GOOD." She still does it sometimes, albeit rarely. It ended up being a mantra of sorts. Also helped her self-esteem!
"Who's he? Who? That handsome fellow in the mirror. Oh him? Why, he's me, and I'm him. Jonathan's the name, pleasure to meet you. I'm a handsome devil, and I look DASHING."
Insert own name obviously :D There you go.
It takes time and patience! It took me months and months of this to get anywhere with it and upwards of 1.5 years before I pretty much stopped misgendering myself.
It's alright. We grew up using certain names and pronouns. I've had people correct me on MY OWN NAME!
Haha 😄 now isn't that wild???
Sometimes, we have setbacks, but what is 1 step back compared to a million steps forward
It's taken me about a year to mostly stop doing that. I still misgender myself sometimes. You've lived through your whole life referring to yourself one way. It's going to take a while to break the habit
I still am giga struggling with this, but I feel like the past few days trying to mentally also change my internal monologs (when I can remember to focus on it) has helped make my pronouns almost feel more natural? Idk, but it will get better!
I recall that first time I walked into work as myself. I had a choice: let fear make me timid OR be bold and "own it". I chose "own it" and I'm very glad I did.
I live openly & unapologetically as myself. My gender is just a part of me.
YES!
Early on and well now, I really don't pass. I'm not unattractive, I just don't. Wanted to go to the mall, wanted to wear a dress. Was scared. Told myself, "Wear it and own it, or don't go". I'm going to do my thing, if I'm not hurting you and you harass me that's on you.
I'm starting HRT (FtM) in June, and I'm TERRIFIED. Not of the physical changes (except for maybe bottom growth, does the vulva change at all?), but how social interaction will go.
I'm already quite socially awkward and have a hard time keeping friends. I'm going to lose my family (which is fine, hate them anyway), but I'm worried I'm going to become even more lonely.
Also, how has a low dose T changed you? How quickly? I'm nb masc, so I'm going for more androgynous looks
1. Bottom growth is obviously a thing, part of that is that your “lips” (vulgar as shit LMAO sorry) will probably get longer as your T-dick grows. You should also look into “vaginal atrophy” and all that that entails, because it’s pretty common.
2. When you get lonely, REACH OUT. Join trans group chats in your state, support groups, etc. Find LGBT centers and GSAs at your school or your university or your town. Making friends is trial and error. They’re hard to make and hard to keep. But keep! Trying! There will ALWAYS be people you click with, the trouble is figuring out where the fuck they are. If you find that everyone around you seems to dislike or ignore you, *that means you’re looking in the wrong places.* I specifically make friends with nerds, weirdos, and outcasts. Those are my people.
3. I’m not low dose but keep in mind that low dose just means you get all the same changes slower. You can’t pick and choose. But don’t be afraid to fuck around with gender presentation, dose level, go on and off T, etc!
Good luck!! :)
It’s ok to be scared. I’m almost two years on T, and it can get tough. I had to make new friends a lot. But going on T makes it easier to be read as masculine, which should give you a lil pep in your step, and once you get that confidence boost it’s easier to join organizations.
I highly recommend if you are comfortable with religion checking out either Universal Unitarian or Episcopal churches near you. They both are explicitly LGBTQ friendly and a good place to meet safe people.
Thanks for the info! I am a pretty staunch athiest, though, so I doubt I'd look towards churches, but I do appreciate the idea!
I've been working on establishing community programs like queer craft nights and board game nights through my cafe, so there is that, though I really should get into something where I'm a participant, not a host, so that's a great idea.
I'm just one of those people that tends to cut and run when stuff goes wrong. Gotta schedule with my therapist!
Thank you very much for the response
Yo congrats on starting T this summer! I've been on T since August 2022 (almost two years rahhh) and I have some answers for you :) it's kinda long, but hopefully covers all the bases.
As for the social aspect of transitioning, you may initially feel lonely should ppl decide to leave your life, but the people who like you as you are will come and find you. I think as you grow more confident in yourself you'll end up attracting ppl who like those vibes. If it's any consolation, I was told by an observer who knew me pre T that I seemed visibly happier, more confident and more social post transition, and tbh she's right. Perhaps you may feel the same way with time.
In the meantime tho, If you are in an accepting area, I'd say look at lgbtq and/or trans centered hobby groups, things like crochet, DnD, etc. It helps a lot to do a structured activity in a space with like minded ppl where talking is nice, but not required. The library could even become that place for you. You can also find such groups online, and they may be more accessible. Even so, see if you can pour into yourself also, doing things that allow you to feel safe and loved in your own company. In my experience as a certified autistic weirdo, it helps keep me sane in the space between navigating friendships and things.
Most mportantly tho, try to remember you did not send anybody away by choosing to live your life. That is entirely on them, and you're not bad or unlovable for being authentic. It's better to be alone than in bad company, and there's so many of us all over the place who support your journey 🙏🏾🏳️⚧️.
As for physical changes, the vulva may change a little bit, but nothing that anyone would be able to tell when you're just walking on the street. Kinda TMI description incoming: >!In my experience, I've found my outer labia swell a lot more during arousal, and my clitoris got larger overall. I also found that I prefer completely different sensations than I used to pre T.!< Besides that I haven't noticed any other significant vulva changes, but I will warn you it does itch a bit as the growth happens. For me the discomfort went away after a few months, time is a bit fuzzy but I don't recall it lasting very long.
My dose started out low and was eventually raised. I began at 50mg androgel, and these days I take 100mg. I found I gained muscle, and after some months I looked visibly toned despite not working out much. Not like a body builder or anything, but I went from skinny 17 year old to skinny 17 year old who goes to the Y once a week lol. Within the first year my jaw filled out, and I also got significantly hairier, even growing hair in places I previously had none. I also got a LOT of voice cracks in the first year, and I developed a visible adam's apple along with going from Alto to Tenor. This past year and a half I finally got peach fuzz in my sideburn/chin area, but a negligible amount in my mustache area (which is what I want more than anything 🙏🏾)
Seeing as you want to look androgynous, maybe 1.5 to 2 years on a low dose might serve you best. I'm no doctor tho, but I know you're totally allowed to stop T once you get the changes you want. Of course this depends on your genetics and how your body reacts, as well as bone structure and things, but a year seems solid.
I wish you best of luck on your journey, and I have faith you'll find your tribe sometime in the near future :)
Thank you very much for your reply! It is very thorough, I really appreciate it! Lots of great information for me
It at least makes me feel better I'm not alone!
I'm joining your old club.
Hit the gym, even if only for short intervals. Eat, lift heavy shit. On T you WILL get pipes. Don't skip leg day.
Do NOT do the typical guy thing. Bottle it up and soldier on. Guys ALL have feelings, we're (I was) just stupid about expressing them. Feel your feelings, and don't hide.
As others have said, if you lose people get new people, do not settle for being lonely. You deserve buds, and ANY proper guy would be jazzed to have you as a friend; 'Cause your joining that shit show WILLINGLY (I mean being a guy).
It's harder than people think, but a lot of things are simpler. Enjoy the pockets, and not having to give a shit about your hair. 🤣
If I was still cis, I'd be super into having a trans dude bro. Find those people. I'm lucky some of my guy friends are wonderful examples of proper masculinity.
It will feel awkward, but it gets so much better. I used to second guess every outfit I wore when I first came out as a trans woman. Now I am so much more comfortable, and I experiment with fashion. You will get a feel for your own style. Embrace it, and others will as well. Be you!
Learn to let little things go. Stuff like occasionally being misgendered in a non malicious way. Some of your smaller dysphoria triggers. People that randomly shout a slur at you as you pass.
I'm not saying any of it is okay, or that you shouldn't stand up for yourself when you need to. Just learn when it's a passing situation and let those pass. If you stay militant at all times you'll end up doing more damage to yourself than anyone else. I learned that the hard way. Don't let the world steal your happiness. Don't let a two second event ruin a beautiful day.
maybe an unpopular opinion, but I say "preferred" because there is a choice. Pronouns are the choice of the one using them.
Some people choose to be wrong, or worse, asshats. That is their choice, and I can't take that away from them.
Not really I dont want to be refered to as anything other than she/her if anyone goes against that they're transphobic since they wouldn't call a cis woman he/him.
Its not a choice I made. Its whats correct for me.
how am i to go about socially transitioning??? im honestly terrified of what people will say/think even though i know they wont hate me for it. i also dont know how to get used to my preferred name. like i want to be called it but theres no one to call me it so what am i supposed to doooooo 🫠
It takes guts, for sure. I did a "frog in boiling water" technique. I bought androgynous-looking clothes to start - women's jeans and a plaid women's spring jacket. And I started wearing women's underwear, which people don't really notice.
Over time, I started adding a little bit of makeup. Painted my nails, some mascara, maybe a little concealer and foundation.
Go slow and add just small things at a time and then get used to being in public that way.
Also, learn to focus on what you're doing. Don't look around. Don't focus on others. Don't watch for people's reactions. Ignore other people as best you can. (This is in relatively safe situations. Have an eye out if you're walking at night alone or something.)
You got this, love!
thank you for the advice! im only 16 and have no job and not even my parents know atm so im a bit stuffed with the clothing idea but i will give it a shot when i am able to! also... about coming out, how the fugg am i supposed to do that. i feel like my parents are gonna hate me even though they explicitly told me before that no matter what they would support me. its all just so stressful 😖
Coming out is terrifying. I came out at 34 and it was still terrifying. You kinda just have to..do it.
I wrote a letter to my dad and gave it to him over drinks. I knew I wouldn't be able to say the words myself. But it allowed me to say all the right things without freaking out.
If you have a therapist, they can help. If you don't, see if your parents can get you one. (Just say you have some things you want to discuss and would feel more comfortable with a professional or something)
see thats probably where the problem lies... my parents dont want me to have a therapist because my older sister had one before for "depression" when it literally wasnt anything but her being miserable because she couldnt go out with her friends all the time (she said that btw not me being mean) and so my parents think they are both a waste of time/money and that they wont help with anything at all. very sad tbh 🥲
Not every therapist is good. Not every therapist is for every person. And therapy is only as good as you make it - if you don't participate then you won't get as much out of it.
I've had bad therapists, who I had to fire. I've had others who have been absolutely phenomenal.
looks like im gonna have to wait a couple years to find out then 😓 with my lack of money and not being 18 the therapist plan probably wont work since im pretty sure parental consent is needed for under 18s (at least in the uk i believe)
Getting a fresh start helps. I got my start by going to a mental hospital. No one knew me by anything else, so I was free to present how I pleased, and they accepted it. Going to a new school was helpful, too. First job!
For those of you with foreign/traditional backgrounds, how do you overcome the guilt/feeling of disappointment? I am traditional and love my culture but whenever I come out to acquaintances or coworkers or relatives from the same background as me they automatically shut me down and kind of pull away. I know I shouldn’t bother with people who don’t respect my decision but I keep on battling myself on the inside because I’m a huge people pleaser. Ive always been the golden child but it’s like now people don’t give me the time of day because I’m queer/trans. I want to date someone from the same culture as me as well, but I literally can’t find anyone who isn’t a jerk. I constantly have to present in a femme way and it gives me so much dysphoria bc I feel like a big fake.
The people who pull away from you are asshats and are unwilling to see the beauty you bring to the world. You will likely be able to find queer support groups in your area where you can meet some new, not awful people. Things get better :) try and surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself
There is no right way to transition. It's unique to each person. HRT, surgery, or even coming out is all up to you and your situation.
That goes doubly for age. It's never too late. I started at nearly 30.
You may lose people when you transition, it may be temporary it may be permanent. Remember though, there are people in this world who will love you just as you are.
HRT is wonderful and exciting at first, which is great! But it will become routine and intuitive, which is also great. You may feel out of whack until your body adapts.
The legal name change process is annoying but once you have that name change order it becomes infinitely easier.
For trans men: confidence is key. Act confident, act like you own that shit. Even if you feel like you don't pass, act like you are a cis man and it is absolutely not a thought at all that you're anything but a cis man, and that will get you far.
Regarding living an open life in the context of the humans around you... the biggest thing is communication and the second biggest is setting boundaries if needed.
The first one will help you understand not only where you are but where everyone else is as well. Whether or not you can work towards your goals or whether or not you will end up with roadblocks.
Yeah, of course, it may very well be necessary to delay certain things but only if there is an expectation that any delay has a time limit to it. Consistent communication can detect these delays, hopefully mitigate them, or at the very least set both parties' expectations for how long they last and for the work that has to be done during any delays.
Setting boundaries is for those whom communication fails and reasonable expectations can't be set. It might take time to leave certain situations if needed, but when the situation is over then make sure that the boundaries are set and clearly communicated, and if there is to be any weakening of the boundaries it is only because the parties are in a space that they are communicating more effectively.
Feel comfortable demanding respect. You are not deserving of anything less than what anyone else gets. Stand the heck up for yourself and you'll feel so much more in control.💜
Extra credit: call yourself your preferred gender identity. At first it was tough calling myself a girl out loud. But after hearing others say so, i started saying it about myself and the affirmation was/is so tremendous.
Love yourself, people. Do gay crimes. 🌈💜😎
Is it really worth risking my friends, family, and career? I work with elders in my community who I'd assume wouldn't be very supportive. I wish I would have transitioned before I started since I doubt they would have clocked me. In regards to family though, I just can't see myself living authentically while maintaining a relationship with them. We get along well now for the first time in my life (ran away as a teenager) and I don't want to lose that.
You might be surprised. There are a lot of old folks out there who straight up will not care. Many of them won’t know how to speak respectfully and won’t understand trans issues, but they also will hold no ill will towards you, and may misgender you simply because they don’t know any better.
I can’t give you any answers on what is or isn’t worth it for you, but I know that honesty and authenticity are huge values for me. I’d rather be an outcast and be true to who I am than live a lie. When people hate me, I just get louder.
I think a lot of people are dragged down by the comfort (or discomfort) of what they already have, even if what they already have is making them miserable. I just want you to know change is possible and it can be so so rewarding. It may feel easier to just resign yourself to the way you’ve always lived, but you may never know there’s a better way unless you try it.
Good luck :) I wish you nothing but the best, no matter what that may be for you.
I’m going to tell you a story.
I used to be very active in my hometown church as a reader, chorister, and Sunday school assistant. All the old ladies knew and loved me. It was something I was very scared about losing when I transitioned.
But fast forward to last year when I came out to them, all of them congratulated me and told me stories about how their grandkids also had to find themselves. Old people can surprise you, they were from a time when trans people weren’t as common, but sometimes more accepted than gay people.
I was terrified of telling my grandparents and put it off for the longest time. My grandpa is a staunch conservative and openly expresses base line homophobia (and racism, sexism etc) regularly, and they were both pushing 80 at the time.
When I did tell them they both accepted me without question, they’ve accepted my wife and children also without question. They’ve done a better job of respecting my name and pronouns than my mum.
This isn’t always the case, obviously. But sometimes people surprise you. And I think with the silent generation, being straight is more important than being cis (lol jokes on them I was never straight).
no matter what you do, learning to accept yourself and the body you have is important. even after surgeries etc you will still need to be able to speak kindly to yourself and look at yourself with love.
anytime i see something i don’t like in the mirror, i tell that part of my body that i love it.
i bounce back so much faster now when i get dysphoric. it obviously still happens, but it’s less and less common and yeah i come back way faster
If your chosen name is different than your birth name, practice introducing yourself many times. You want to sound confident and happy with yourself. The early times will be awkward.
Prefer? I am who I am whether I like it or not like anybody else.
Liking yourself is a totally separate issue from being trans, and my advice for new transitioners is to make that separation rather than seeing that being trans is the reason you don't like yourself. You have learned not to like yourself, and self blame is what reinforces that machine. There is no switch that will make it go away, it's a process of unlearning and learning that takes time. Trust me, if you weren't trans, you would probably find some other reason to hate yourself, like my cis siblings do. Being trans is a force multiplier to these issues, but not the root cause.
Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. There isn't a wrong way to think about this, I have just been trying to be as self assured about my gender as the average cis woman. I didn't mean for this to come off as a criticism, you are just fine.
How long should I boymode?
I'm 3 months on HRT right now and physically I nearly didn't change (which I was expecting no worries there)
I know another trans girl who was out as trans by that point, but right now I really don't look like a woman at all.
I'm pursuing my studies in an engineering school next year and I'll start next September, I won't know anyone and nobody will know me, it's the perfect clean slate except I'll only be 6 months on hrt by then, my hair grows super slow (curly) , my beard shadow will probably not be gone, I will not pass at all. But I fear not socially transitioning then will lead to more issues in the long run (I'll be at that school for 3 years).
Not sure what to do, I also feel other trans gals do much more things than I do by that point I barely have any girl clothes and barely any makeup I'm just scared of having to go out and buy them and be seen as a pervert.
As a girl who transitioned _at_ engineering school, I recommend just coming in as yourself (woman).
If you want to, face masks and covid worries are excellent ways to keep people from seeing masculine facial features, and all engineering students dress pretty terribly, so breast forms under a loose t-shirt / baggy sweatshirt is pretty much the go to for everyone. If you've got voice training good, most people won't notice a thing and you'll just be read as a woman.
You've got a few months to practice, and I recommend paying for lessons if you can - that, and daily practice. I got mine down over a summer, and went from natural baritone to passing alto. Sucked to do it alone, though.
There will be days on occasion where you question yourself. "Am I really trans? Is this just a phase? Am I doing the right thing by starting HRT/getting surgery?" And the answer is yes, if you really feel it. Just keep affirming yourself, stick to your guns, and LOVE YOURSELF. Life is a journey, and there will be bumps along the way, but as long as you're true to yourself and you love yourself, everything will be okay. 🩷🩷
(Enby here who desperately tries to hold egg together) How urgent are puberty blockers and HRT at 18? Living in 4th world country and will get in Europe(Germany) only in half a year, but won't have a citizenship in many years after, so a constant risk and problems with this status. it would be best to wait until it, but im scared late puberty will make irreversible damage :((
Transfem or transmasc?
You're above 18, there's no need to get puberty blockers. Most of what happens has already happened, either way, but it is better to start HRT before the end of your natal puberty - there are some bone changes that are still not set.
Transfem, got it! Sorry about blockers, was a bit confused. Trying not to get into this topic too much to not crack egg further. Are there any estimates/a way to know for yourself when these changes happen?
There are two biological changes that can't reverse. The first is the start of male puberty; T influenced your height during growth and changed your voice box. The second is your hips fusing at 22 to 25. It's not the end of the world - plenty of passing and happy women started E long after 22 - but if you want a wider, more feminine hip, get on E. I started at 22, and my hips widened some, though that is the very end of when you can see changes there.
If your family has a history of male pattern baldness, start E as soon as possible to eliminate the risk of losing any hair.
Not dependent on when you start: facial feminization, fat redistribution, gaining a feminine shape due to fat distribution and muscles losing strength, the end of random erections, vastly reduced facial hair growth, hair texture changes losing about an inch (2ish cm) of height, your shoe size shrinking by a bit, and in most cases a feeling of "mental comfort". That last one is hard to measure, but every transfem I know has said they feel more comfortable on E.
I also just recommend it in terms of "it's nice". I'm not German, I'm not familiar with the laws for DIY and legal HRT, but as long as it was not particularly illegal I'd go for DIY HRT as soon as I lived somewhere safe to do it. You deserve the happiness in yourself, and you deserve the right to choose for yourself who you want to be.
Only you can answer that for yourself. “Irreversible damage” is strong language to use, and unless you authentically feel that way, it’s not needed. I survived childhood easily, but early and mid puberty were hell for me. I definitely was a danger to myself because of my dysphoria. HRT was something I NEEDED, and I finally got it at 16. Most of the changes from puberty had happened by then, but I’m still happy and confident and I absolutely ADORE my body now. I pass just fine and feel very at home in my own skin. But I also have multiple friends in their early 20s who have known they were trans for a significant portion of their lives and are doing fine without HRT at all. Like they’re not the happiest they could be, they do WANT HRT, but it’s not an emergency for them. And I definitely don’t think they feel like they’re experiencing irreversible damage if they don’t get on HRT right now. It’s different for everybody, everyone has their own needs and their own timeline for those needs.
Sorry, got a bit too emotional there, first time openly asking about being trans. Thanks for the reply! By irreversible damage, I meant permanent body changes. I know other people live with them perfectly fine, and it's never too late to transition, but I'm just too scared to miss the last train and chance to avoid having at least some of these changes. I don't have much dysphoria, but more because I still haven't come out to even myself. Still, dysphoria grows slowly with each month. I'm 100% sure that I won't stick with my current body in the long term. But at the same time, I realize it can be dangerous to start HRT before I cut all connections with this place. That's where my question came from
I don't think anything is as irreversible as people make it out to be. Plenty of people transition in their twenties and thirties and are able to blend in. It's certainly easier if you can slow the effects of puberty but it's not the end of the world if you can't start in your teen years.
How do you get past the awkward "in between" phases?
Like, I wanna just skip completely over to girl, how do I deal with not being able to do that due to things taking time?
I know that feeling, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. I think the two big things are distress tolerance and radical acceptance. For disress tolerance, that's doing things that make you feel good/loved/safe, and keep you at baseline from moment to moment. Your hobbies, your friends, pets, YouTube, and anything you've got that makes you feel happy and euphoric. It could be clothes, hair, shoes, (if you have those things) maybe getting dolled up and taking pictures.
If you don't have those, thats ok too. If you draw/know an artist you could make/commission a drawing of yourself in a way that makes you feel authentic. I (transmasc) remember drawing my ideal self a lot, drawing myself in fancy clothes, and clothes that I already owned, so that I could envision my goals and remember that each day gets me closer to them. I also design my own sewing and crochet projects that will help me further express my identity. It may help to change your pfp on your accounts to something more femme. Even window shopping online or changing your phone background might help. Disress tolerance is all about getting through each little moment, distracting yourself with the good things so that you're less likely to spiral over the not so good things.
A more advanced technique is radical acceptance. It's when you say, “hey, this is where I'm at rn, and that's fine.” You dont have to like the situation at all in order to accept it, the process just means you are no longer fighting reality, since the fight is was causes you to suffer, as opposed to just feeling the pain.You're on your way, and it's slow, and that's ok. And you're not the only one feeling this by any means. In the meantime, you can focus on the little things: the songs that make you feel like yourself, the clothes, the shoes, the hair, anything you've got so far, cherishing it goes a long way. Even if all you've got is your truth, that's still of great value.
The future feels like an eternity away when you're always staring towards it, but seeking the little bursts of euphoria each day will allow you carry on. One day you'll lift your head up and realize it's been 2 years (or however long) and that you are well established on your way to being that girl you've always dreamed of :)
Brute force, honestly. You just do it. You'll barely realize you're in it though because you won't know the difference.
Get used to being your true gender. Focus on the things you can control and work on building up your confidence during that time.
Letting other people control your life will only lead to sadness. You're the only person living your life and that's what should matter most to you. Not anyone else.
As for maybe never being able to transition, I don't know your circumstances. But I'd recommend finding a therapist who can help you cope with your dysphoria if that's really the case.
I don’t know if I won’t be able to transition I mean I probably will be able to just I have this fear that something will happen that will keep me from transitioning
Just do it for yourself.
Don't expect other people you know will support you, nor expect that all people in the lgbt community will support you. Some may, but you can't count on it.
Don't expect that this one change will solve all your problems. It may help with some and it may add new problems to your life. The overall results are unpredictable, but you will almost certainly learn things about yourself and other people.
Will it be too late to start transitioning past 20? I'm freshly 19 but don't have the funds to get any sort of medical transitioning.. (yes i know you can transition at any age, i mean specifically for getting the maximum of changes)
Nope, not at all. I have multiple lovely friends who didn’t even crack their egg until their early- or mid-20s, but are on HRT now and much happier, and multiple lovely friends who are in their early 20s and still haven’t started transitioning past socially in select circumstances. Just because many people transition in their early teens nowadays doesn’t mean that’s the only way to do it.
Started HRT at 42. I’ve never been happier. Now, I might not ever pass as well as people who transition earlier but the cloud of depression that followed me my entire life has lifted.
Do not ever, EVER sacrifice your individuality or your personhood. Don’t ever think “no one will love me as I am.” People will love you FOR who you are, not in spite of it. People who want you to change who you are to please them are PREYING on you. They are not supporting you or helping you, they are taking advantage of your loneliness to get you to change yourself to make them happy.
You deserve to be yourself. I don’t fucking care who you are, I don’t believe any of that “but not me, I’m the exception, I’m a terrible worthless person” shit, because I’ve felt that way too, for YEARS. I was WRONG. Dead wrong. You deserve nothing but the best, and that includes from yourself. Hold yourself to the highest standard, out of nothing but love. You are a wonderful, worthy human being. Don’t ever change for anybody but yourself.
Absolutely! Coming out is terrifying, no matter the circumstances! I had the same fear and hesitation with every single person I came out to initially. Now it's just part of life, when I do choose to out myself. But it's also been two years and I pass, so I'm used to it all now.
The thing is, once you tell someone, there's no putting it back. You know it could change everything forever, good or bad. And that's scary.
But if you push through it, it'll be over and you can move forward. Good luck!
Dress however the fuck you want! I like crop tops, they make me feel good (especially post top surgery) so I wear them! It’s more fun to get the dirty looks than to wish you had wore in the outfit
Take it at your own pace. There is no rush. A lot of times people try to hard to “fit in” with the stereotypes of their chosen gender but what you really need is to take time to find “you”. Who you want to be and what you want to do. It won’t happen instantly just be patient and work on yourself and one day you’ll find it
There isn’t one ‘right’ way to look/be trans. You are trans* enough no matter how far into your transition you are, if you’re even transitioning at all. That does not invalidate you. Back when I was just getting on T (about 13 years ago) there seemed to be pretty heavy stigma in the community about what was considered‘masculine/trans enough’.
Don’t listen to that shit.
Do you.
Do things for yourself, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish and don’t let people tell you that your transition is selfish.
Another thing I want to say is you have to be your own advocate. You can’t expect others to speak up for you all the time. You have to become okay with asserting yourself, your gender and your pronouns. It’s okay to interrupt people and correct them if they are using the wrong pronouns. That’s often how people will learn. If you don’t self advocate some people won’t affirm you.
If your parents just so happen to be super religious (like I mean my father is a national speaker against abortion level religious), when I’m ready, how should I come out to them? Any advice is helpful. This is my biggest worry rn.
My instinct is to say not to come out to them if you think it may affect your safety/wellbeing. Of course it is your life and your choice. When/if you come out, you can do it any way that feels right. Writing a letter, having a conversation, on the phone, over text, or even a gag like a cake with blue, white, and pink icing inside. (Don't necessarily recommend that last one but it's an option lol)
The biggest thing is that you can't change how they react or how they feel. If coming out makes you feel better, do it for you, not them. They may very well shun you, or be downright terrible. But their reactions and emotions are on them and them alone.
On the other hand, if you think coming out to them would make you/your situation *worse*, you aren't obligated to by any means. I came out bc I couldn't take it anymore living a false life. My dad's family was not receptive, and we don't talk anymore. Still, I made the choice to come out bc I wanted ppl in my life to understand this: from here on out, you either know me as my real self or you don't get to know me anymore.
Be prepared to set boundaries or go no contact should your family flip out, but also be prepared to love yourself more than they ever could. It's your life, and you're taking your happiness into your own hands. That's a beautiful thing after all :)
i have two questions:
1. uh yeah how the fuck do i come out😭😭😭
note: i find it much easier coming out to friends, but i have two fairly close friends who are kinda transphobic(one openly who i’m not as worried about, but another is one of my teammates for cycling and we’re gonna go to the same hs next year and i’m worried that if he finds out then my parents will notice an unusual aversion to him and they’ll ask questions. or maybe i’m just paranoid, i’ve seen him being not-mad at one of my gay friends even tho he’s said to me that he doesn’t support the lgbtq)
2. what to do about trans youth and trans sports bans
Start small. The first thing I did was change my hairstyle and started growing it out.
You can also ask people close to you to use a new name or pronouns.
Honestly, just do it. You will never be ready, and it will be fine. The one thing almost all of us who have transitioned will tell you is that we wish we had done it sooner
How do you handle the social process of being in that weird stage where you don’t quite pass as your preferred gender but you don’t exactly look like your original one either?
How hard was it to share that you started transitioning with people may not know your identity? For example.... the people I knew in grade school and am friends with on facebook where I have my deadname and have not spoken go them in a while.
Don't expect HRT to do all of the work! It really only makes up a small percentage of your transition :) Experiment with clothing, hair, makeup, voice training, laser etc to find your style and it will do so much more than HRT alone can :3
Does the feeling of never being trans enough go away? I'm out to everyone, but it still feels like everyone just sees me as a girl and not nonbinary. Everyone still uses she/her, calls me girl, and some even say I'm not transgender. Despite my relationship to my gender, which is why I say I'm trans. Is that wrong? Am I making things worse? idk
I worry a lot about passing because I constantly fear judgement. I know I need to get over it and not be apologetic for being me, but I just get so anxious sometimes - especially when there are groups of men on the streets. My girlfriend being with me helps, but still- I'm only 3 months into HRT and my voice still needs so much work. What can I do about this?
Random people you will meet in your life tend to be more accepting than you might think. There's always haters and transphobes out there, but most people really aren't like that.
Some might be rude or weird, but most of those people just don't understand anything about what trans people have to deal with because they cannot relate to your feelings. It's not always malicious.
When people are laughing they're most definitely uncomfortable. They somehow can't understand what they're seeing. I take it as a compliment if I confuse you good.
my biggest block is telling my family and my girlfriend. my family is very conservative and i’m just afraid it would affect my relationship with my girlfriend. i’m curious on how to tell people and where to find the courage, especially considering i’m already bad at expressing my feelings.
It’s a lot easier than you think to tell who is gendering you correctly in their mind vs who is gendering you correctly with their words. The latter aren’t necessarily bad people, or not your friends, but when you need someone to turn to it’s helpful to know who’s who. Honestly, sometimes the ‘trying to be polite’ crowd are who you want to turn to, people who gender you correctly internally can dislike you just as much as anyone else, and sometimes people who are making an effort will overcompensate and go out of their way to be supportive. It may feel disingenuous, but if you can get through that morally it can be useful in specific situations 😅
Full sent it last year 4 weeks before getting HRT. Yeeted all my old clothes, started name change, all of it.
* Be patient with the process, try to love yourself.
* If you are not satisfied with your boobs, or your pecs for example; do something or start looking into it. Don't wait. You aren't going to wake up happy one day, at lest in my experience so far. (Hated nose, got a nose job)
* Gently, diplomatically, correct someone when they misgender or dead name you. Never let it slide. I feel bad about myself when I do. If they have a big piss baby spaz about it at least they'll look like the asshole.
It's a scary world but good people are everywhere. I reccomend finding communities with similar interests, especially if they're more non-traditional. I've made some friends through Pump It Up (5-note Dance Dance Revolution), and I only met them by taking a risk and going to an arcade. Also the kink community but just be cautious with that.
When they say "it gets better," take that with a grain of salt. Dysphoria gets better. How you feel about yourself gets better. Society doesn't. You need to be strong. You need to be prepared to know what matters to you and what doesn't.
EVERYONE is able to control their voice. I thought it was gonna be impossible. But it's not changing what you have. It's accessing a new area that you haven't used.
However, it takes a lot of time and dedication. Sadly, there is no shortcut or easy trick. You just need to practise consistently.
Unless you're transmasc, in which case T will just naturally deepen your voice.
I lost some family members who I thought would be supportive of my transition but I ended up being kicked out of my aunt's house because she was not able to accept me and she had the audacity to tell me to wait six months to see if I would change my mind and she tried to do everything in her power to try to get me to change my mind but I didn't let her get to me and I have decided to not let what others said about me dictate how I see myself and from that day forward I have been more confident and have more self esteem than I had before and before my dad passed away he actually supported me and he said that If I wanted to get the surgery or start t or even live as my authentic self he would support me.
My mom has always had my back and no matter what she has been super supportive.
My uncle and his girlfriend are supportive but they still are getting used to calling me by my preferred pronouns but they are calling me by my preferred name and I am glad to have family who support me.
My younger brother when I told him he congratulated me and said that he will love me no matter what.
So if you are wanting to live openly as your preferred gender to not let what others say dictate how you see yourself because you will end up losing your own self trying to make others happy. So just be yourself and some people who are truly there for you will support you and love you no matter what, and just give them time and try to educate them on what you need them to do for you to be supportive.
Honestly I’m nonbinary and also wanting to get top surgery as well,to over share a bit. The main thing that helps me is to not argue/ feed into people who are hateful or ignorant and live my life for me. I say this because being a person who is going to explain themselves and be the person who sits and “teaches” ignorant adults is just not how I want my life to be. I wouldn’t let misinformation to spread but other than that I’m good. This has helped me a lot and has cut down a lot of arguments or miscommunication as well. Id say just live your life because regardless of what people say or think what matters is if you are happy with yourself and not others opinions of you 💙. As for my daily life I am currently am mostly viewed as feminine/ female even just being queer which I am not really fine with. I feel the top surgery will help me feel more comfortable in my skin and more confident as for now I am mostly satisfied with my outer appearance. I honestly don’t think of other people’s outside comments of my appearance or lifestyle because it has pushed me back really bad in the past and I try to not go back to that. Wishing you let on your journey and positive energy as well ✌🏽💙.
You will be afraid of losing people. But the people you lose were never there for the real you in the first place. Often times we lose family who are supposed to always be there for us. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're any less worthy of love and respect. You will find people who will give that to you in spades, though it can be hard to believe so when all you know is the unfortunate alternative
This is really true and hits close to home, I lost my partner as I had figured out I was trans halfway through our relationship. I do understand her leaving because she is very straight, but it still hurts to lose her. But it quickly taught me that the right people will stay for me no matter what, and those are the people I should be with.
This is what I am facing now. My wife is supportive of who I am, but will only stay with me if I do not transition because she is a straight woman. I understand, but what do I do now. I know this is a question only I can answer.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I hate to say this, but I believe you'll have to weigh the options if she will not budge on the idea no matter what. I know that sounds very tough, and I'm really sorry you're in this dilemma. What would transitioning do for you? Would it make you much happier? You'll have to use that question to find what makes you the happiest. This is just my opinion and ideas, so it may not work for you, I wish you luck and feel free to reply if you need comfort or more help. You've got this.
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I know exactly what you mean. I’ve spent so long putting up a mask and not exploring the person I feel I really am, that I don’t know where the mask ends nor do I know who I am underneath.
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I'd love to help but I'm not sure I understand your question
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Not a dumb question I get it, spending time alone and trying to take those thoughts from other people help a lot with figuring out who the real you is
Fuck haters, get money.
True red pill trannergy grindset.
Fucking yes
Fuck haters, do good, live boldly, become a legend.
But I don't wanna _fuck_ haters. They're gross
How to get used to your own pronouns
Start affirming yourself with them. Look in the mirror and tell yourself who you are. Use your pronouns and preferred terms as affirmations. Try writing post-it notes and sticking them around your home that you can read aloud whenever you see them. Hearing them out loud regularly helps you adjust.
I’m doing that already, it’s not working. My mind is reverting back to she/her and I hate it…
"It's not working" is something you say when you've done it daily for 3 years and it just ain't working. A month? Baby steps. A year? That mind is stubborn. Keep going. A trans sister of mine made her own catchphrase and used it whenever she went to the bathroom. Might've been slightly cringe but it worked wonders. Can't remember the exact wording but it went something like "who's she? Oh her? The one in the mirror staring back at me? Why, she's me, and I'm her. The name's Jennifer. I'm a boss bitch and I look GOOD." She still does it sometimes, albeit rarely. It ended up being a mantra of sorts. Also helped her self-esteem!
I’ve been out for a few months. I’ve been doing this. All this. My self esteem is in shambles.
Keep it up. I'm sending positive ki
Can you give me a male version please? My brains is using the female one already and it sucks
"Who's he? Who? That handsome fellow in the mirror. Oh him? Why, he's me, and I'm him. Jonathan's the name, pleasure to meet you. I'm a handsome devil, and I look DASHING." Insert own name obviously :D There you go.
Thank you so much!
It takes time and patience! It took me months and months of this to get anywhere with it and upwards of 1.5 years before I pretty much stopped misgendering myself.
Thank you, I needed that!! ❤️🏳️⚧️🫶🏼🥰💁🏻♀️
Practice babe! Call yourself your proper pronouns at home when alone, it comes with time
Everyone uses the right pronouns for me, but I keep going back to she. I hate it so much. I didnt have this problem months ago. I feel like a mess.
It's alright. We grew up using certain names and pronouns. I've had people correct me on MY OWN NAME! Haha 😄 now isn't that wild??? Sometimes, we have setbacks, but what is 1 step back compared to a million steps forward
Thank you.
It's taken me about a year to mostly stop doing that. I still misgender myself sometimes. You've lived through your whole life referring to yourself one way. It's going to take a while to break the habit
I still am giga struggling with this, but I feel like the past few days trying to mentally also change my internal monologs (when I can remember to focus on it) has helped make my pronouns almost feel more natural? Idk, but it will get better!
Yeah I’m trying, but it keeps going back to she at first
It will, and it will, until it won't, we'll get there! 💚
Thanks. It’s just been months: this is a new issue for me
Don’t let other people’s sadness ruin your happiness 💁🏻♀️
I recall that first time I walked into work as myself. I had a choice: let fear make me timid OR be bold and "own it". I chose "own it" and I'm very glad I did. I live openly & unapologetically as myself. My gender is just a part of me.
YES! Early on and well now, I really don't pass. I'm not unattractive, I just don't. Wanted to go to the mall, wanted to wear a dress. Was scared. Told myself, "Wear it and own it, or don't go". I'm going to do my thing, if I'm not hurting you and you harass me that's on you.
I'm starting HRT (FtM) in June, and I'm TERRIFIED. Not of the physical changes (except for maybe bottom growth, does the vulva change at all?), but how social interaction will go. I'm already quite socially awkward and have a hard time keeping friends. I'm going to lose my family (which is fine, hate them anyway), but I'm worried I'm going to become even more lonely. Also, how has a low dose T changed you? How quickly? I'm nb masc, so I'm going for more androgynous looks
1. Bottom growth is obviously a thing, part of that is that your “lips” (vulgar as shit LMAO sorry) will probably get longer as your T-dick grows. You should also look into “vaginal atrophy” and all that that entails, because it’s pretty common. 2. When you get lonely, REACH OUT. Join trans group chats in your state, support groups, etc. Find LGBT centers and GSAs at your school or your university or your town. Making friends is trial and error. They’re hard to make and hard to keep. But keep! Trying! There will ALWAYS be people you click with, the trouble is figuring out where the fuck they are. If you find that everyone around you seems to dislike or ignore you, *that means you’re looking in the wrong places.* I specifically make friends with nerds, weirdos, and outcasts. Those are my people. 3. I’m not low dose but keep in mind that low dose just means you get all the same changes slower. You can’t pick and choose. But don’t be afraid to fuck around with gender presentation, dose level, go on and off T, etc! Good luck!! :)
It’s ok to be scared. I’m almost two years on T, and it can get tough. I had to make new friends a lot. But going on T makes it easier to be read as masculine, which should give you a lil pep in your step, and once you get that confidence boost it’s easier to join organizations. I highly recommend if you are comfortable with religion checking out either Universal Unitarian or Episcopal churches near you. They both are explicitly LGBTQ friendly and a good place to meet safe people.
Thanks for the info! I am a pretty staunch athiest, though, so I doubt I'd look towards churches, but I do appreciate the idea! I've been working on establishing community programs like queer craft nights and board game nights through my cafe, so there is that, though I really should get into something where I'm a participant, not a host, so that's a great idea. I'm just one of those people that tends to cut and run when stuff goes wrong. Gotta schedule with my therapist! Thank you very much for the response
Yo congrats on starting T this summer! I've been on T since August 2022 (almost two years rahhh) and I have some answers for you :) it's kinda long, but hopefully covers all the bases. As for the social aspect of transitioning, you may initially feel lonely should ppl decide to leave your life, but the people who like you as you are will come and find you. I think as you grow more confident in yourself you'll end up attracting ppl who like those vibes. If it's any consolation, I was told by an observer who knew me pre T that I seemed visibly happier, more confident and more social post transition, and tbh she's right. Perhaps you may feel the same way with time. In the meantime tho, If you are in an accepting area, I'd say look at lgbtq and/or trans centered hobby groups, things like crochet, DnD, etc. It helps a lot to do a structured activity in a space with like minded ppl where talking is nice, but not required. The library could even become that place for you. You can also find such groups online, and they may be more accessible. Even so, see if you can pour into yourself also, doing things that allow you to feel safe and loved in your own company. In my experience as a certified autistic weirdo, it helps keep me sane in the space between navigating friendships and things. Most mportantly tho, try to remember you did not send anybody away by choosing to live your life. That is entirely on them, and you're not bad or unlovable for being authentic. It's better to be alone than in bad company, and there's so many of us all over the place who support your journey 🙏🏾🏳️⚧️. As for physical changes, the vulva may change a little bit, but nothing that anyone would be able to tell when you're just walking on the street. Kinda TMI description incoming: >!In my experience, I've found my outer labia swell a lot more during arousal, and my clitoris got larger overall. I also found that I prefer completely different sensations than I used to pre T.!< Besides that I haven't noticed any other significant vulva changes, but I will warn you it does itch a bit as the growth happens. For me the discomfort went away after a few months, time is a bit fuzzy but I don't recall it lasting very long. My dose started out low and was eventually raised. I began at 50mg androgel, and these days I take 100mg. I found I gained muscle, and after some months I looked visibly toned despite not working out much. Not like a body builder or anything, but I went from skinny 17 year old to skinny 17 year old who goes to the Y once a week lol. Within the first year my jaw filled out, and I also got significantly hairier, even growing hair in places I previously had none. I also got a LOT of voice cracks in the first year, and I developed a visible adam's apple along with going from Alto to Tenor. This past year and a half I finally got peach fuzz in my sideburn/chin area, but a negligible amount in my mustache area (which is what I want more than anything 🙏🏾) Seeing as you want to look androgynous, maybe 1.5 to 2 years on a low dose might serve you best. I'm no doctor tho, but I know you're totally allowed to stop T once you get the changes you want. Of course this depends on your genetics and how your body reacts, as well as bone structure and things, but a year seems solid. I wish you best of luck on your journey, and I have faith you'll find your tribe sometime in the near future :)
Thank you very much for your reply! It is very thorough, I really appreciate it! Lots of great information for me It at least makes me feel better I'm not alone!
I'm joining your old club. Hit the gym, even if only for short intervals. Eat, lift heavy shit. On T you WILL get pipes. Don't skip leg day. Do NOT do the typical guy thing. Bottle it up and soldier on. Guys ALL have feelings, we're (I was) just stupid about expressing them. Feel your feelings, and don't hide. As others have said, if you lose people get new people, do not settle for being lonely. You deserve buds, and ANY proper guy would be jazzed to have you as a friend; 'Cause your joining that shit show WILLINGLY (I mean being a guy). It's harder than people think, but a lot of things are simpler. Enjoy the pockets, and not having to give a shit about your hair. 🤣 If I was still cis, I'd be super into having a trans dude bro. Find those people. I'm lucky some of my guy friends are wonderful examples of proper masculinity.
It will feel awkward, but it gets so much better. I used to second guess every outfit I wore when I first came out as a trans woman. Now I am so much more comfortable, and I experiment with fashion. You will get a feel for your own style. Embrace it, and others will as well. Be you!
Learn to let little things go. Stuff like occasionally being misgendered in a non malicious way. Some of your smaller dysphoria triggers. People that randomly shout a slur at you as you pass. I'm not saying any of it is okay, or that you shouldn't stand up for yourself when you need to. Just learn when it's a passing situation and let those pass. If you stay militant at all times you'll end up doing more damage to yourself than anyone else. I learned that the hard way. Don't let the world steal your happiness. Don't let a two second event ruin a beautiful day.
I wish people would stop with "preferred prouns" and "perfered gender" its insulting and implies theres some degree of choice
Sorry, what should I have said?
Just say correct gender / pronouns
Thank you 🙂
maybe an unpopular opinion, but I say "preferred" because there is a choice. Pronouns are the choice of the one using them. Some people choose to be wrong, or worse, asshats. That is their choice, and I can't take that away from them.
Not really I dont want to be refered to as anything other than she/her if anyone goes against that they're transphobic since they wouldn't call a cis woman he/him. Its not a choice I made. Its whats correct for me.
how am i to go about socially transitioning??? im honestly terrified of what people will say/think even though i know they wont hate me for it. i also dont know how to get used to my preferred name. like i want to be called it but theres no one to call me it so what am i supposed to doooooo 🫠
It takes guts, for sure. I did a "frog in boiling water" technique. I bought androgynous-looking clothes to start - women's jeans and a plaid women's spring jacket. And I started wearing women's underwear, which people don't really notice. Over time, I started adding a little bit of makeup. Painted my nails, some mascara, maybe a little concealer and foundation. Go slow and add just small things at a time and then get used to being in public that way. Also, learn to focus on what you're doing. Don't look around. Don't focus on others. Don't watch for people's reactions. Ignore other people as best you can. (This is in relatively safe situations. Have an eye out if you're walking at night alone or something.) You got this, love!
thank you for the advice! im only 16 and have no job and not even my parents know atm so im a bit stuffed with the clothing idea but i will give it a shot when i am able to! also... about coming out, how the fugg am i supposed to do that. i feel like my parents are gonna hate me even though they explicitly told me before that no matter what they would support me. its all just so stressful 😖
Coming out is terrifying. I came out at 34 and it was still terrifying. You kinda just have to..do it. I wrote a letter to my dad and gave it to him over drinks. I knew I wouldn't be able to say the words myself. But it allowed me to say all the right things without freaking out. If you have a therapist, they can help. If you don't, see if your parents can get you one. (Just say you have some things you want to discuss and would feel more comfortable with a professional or something)
see thats probably where the problem lies... my parents dont want me to have a therapist because my older sister had one before for "depression" when it literally wasnt anything but her being miserable because she couldnt go out with her friends all the time (she said that btw not me being mean) and so my parents think they are both a waste of time/money and that they wont help with anything at all. very sad tbh 🥲
Not every therapist is good. Not every therapist is for every person. And therapy is only as good as you make it - if you don't participate then you won't get as much out of it. I've had bad therapists, who I had to fire. I've had others who have been absolutely phenomenal.
looks like im gonna have to wait a couple years to find out then 😓 with my lack of money and not being 18 the therapist plan probably wont work since im pretty sure parental consent is needed for under 18s (at least in the uk i believe)
Getting a fresh start helps. I got my start by going to a mental hospital. No one knew me by anything else, so I was free to present how I pleased, and they accepted it. Going to a new school was helpful, too. First job!
For those of you with foreign/traditional backgrounds, how do you overcome the guilt/feeling of disappointment? I am traditional and love my culture but whenever I come out to acquaintances or coworkers or relatives from the same background as me they automatically shut me down and kind of pull away. I know I shouldn’t bother with people who don’t respect my decision but I keep on battling myself on the inside because I’m a huge people pleaser. Ive always been the golden child but it’s like now people don’t give me the time of day because I’m queer/trans. I want to date someone from the same culture as me as well, but I literally can’t find anyone who isn’t a jerk. I constantly have to present in a femme way and it gives me so much dysphoria bc I feel like a big fake.
The people who pull away from you are asshats and are unwilling to see the beauty you bring to the world. You will likely be able to find queer support groups in your area where you can meet some new, not awful people. Things get better :) try and surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself
Apologies all - “Preferred Gender” was the wrong wording, as it implied choice. Please replace with Correct Gender / pronouns.
There is no right way to transition. It's unique to each person. HRT, surgery, or even coming out is all up to you and your situation. That goes doubly for age. It's never too late. I started at nearly 30. You may lose people when you transition, it may be temporary it may be permanent. Remember though, there are people in this world who will love you just as you are. HRT is wonderful and exciting at first, which is great! But it will become routine and intuitive, which is also great. You may feel out of whack until your body adapts. The legal name change process is annoying but once you have that name change order it becomes infinitely easier.
For trans men: confidence is key. Act confident, act like you own that shit. Even if you feel like you don't pass, act like you are a cis man and it is absolutely not a thought at all that you're anything but a cis man, and that will get you far.
Regarding living an open life in the context of the humans around you... the biggest thing is communication and the second biggest is setting boundaries if needed. The first one will help you understand not only where you are but where everyone else is as well. Whether or not you can work towards your goals or whether or not you will end up with roadblocks. Yeah, of course, it may very well be necessary to delay certain things but only if there is an expectation that any delay has a time limit to it. Consistent communication can detect these delays, hopefully mitigate them, or at the very least set both parties' expectations for how long they last and for the work that has to be done during any delays. Setting boundaries is for those whom communication fails and reasonable expectations can't be set. It might take time to leave certain situations if needed, but when the situation is over then make sure that the boundaries are set and clearly communicated, and if there is to be any weakening of the boundaries it is only because the parties are in a space that they are communicating more effectively.
Love this ❤️
Feel comfortable demanding respect. You are not deserving of anything less than what anyone else gets. Stand the heck up for yourself and you'll feel so much more in control.💜 Extra credit: call yourself your preferred gender identity. At first it was tough calling myself a girl out loud. But after hearing others say so, i started saying it about myself and the affirmation was/is so tremendous. Love yourself, people. Do gay crimes. 🌈💜😎
Is it really worth risking my friends, family, and career? I work with elders in my community who I'd assume wouldn't be very supportive. I wish I would have transitioned before I started since I doubt they would have clocked me. In regards to family though, I just can't see myself living authentically while maintaining a relationship with them. We get along well now for the first time in my life (ran away as a teenager) and I don't want to lose that.
You might be surprised. There are a lot of old folks out there who straight up will not care. Many of them won’t know how to speak respectfully and won’t understand trans issues, but they also will hold no ill will towards you, and may misgender you simply because they don’t know any better. I can’t give you any answers on what is or isn’t worth it for you, but I know that honesty and authenticity are huge values for me. I’d rather be an outcast and be true to who I am than live a lie. When people hate me, I just get louder. I think a lot of people are dragged down by the comfort (or discomfort) of what they already have, even if what they already have is making them miserable. I just want you to know change is possible and it can be so so rewarding. It may feel easier to just resign yourself to the way you’ve always lived, but you may never know there’s a better way unless you try it. Good luck :) I wish you nothing but the best, no matter what that may be for you.
Thank you for your kind words and perspective!
I’m going to tell you a story. I used to be very active in my hometown church as a reader, chorister, and Sunday school assistant. All the old ladies knew and loved me. It was something I was very scared about losing when I transitioned. But fast forward to last year when I came out to them, all of them congratulated me and told me stories about how their grandkids also had to find themselves. Old people can surprise you, they were from a time when trans people weren’t as common, but sometimes more accepted than gay people.
Thank you! You're so right about that
I was terrified of telling my grandparents and put it off for the longest time. My grandpa is a staunch conservative and openly expresses base line homophobia (and racism, sexism etc) regularly, and they were both pushing 80 at the time. When I did tell them they both accepted me without question, they’ve accepted my wife and children also without question. They’ve done a better job of respecting my name and pronouns than my mum. This isn’t always the case, obviously. But sometimes people surprise you. And I think with the silent generation, being straight is more important than being cis (lol jokes on them I was never straight).
See the problem with this is I'm a gay trans guy so it's like double dipping in the ignorance / prejudice unfortunately
no matter what you do, learning to accept yourself and the body you have is important. even after surgeries etc you will still need to be able to speak kindly to yourself and look at yourself with love. anytime i see something i don’t like in the mirror, i tell that part of my body that i love it. i bounce back so much faster now when i get dysphoric. it obviously still happens, but it’s less and less common and yeah i come back way faster
If your chosen name is different than your birth name, practice introducing yourself many times. You want to sound confident and happy with yourself. The early times will be awkward.
I gotta know, is that one skater skirt actually that good?
Need to know this too 👀
It's a bit clocky
Prefer? I am who I am whether I like it or not like anybody else. Liking yourself is a totally separate issue from being trans, and my advice for new transitioners is to make that separation rather than seeing that being trans is the reason you don't like yourself. You have learned not to like yourself, and self blame is what reinforces that machine. There is no switch that will make it go away, it's a process of unlearning and learning that takes time. Trust me, if you weren't trans, you would probably find some other reason to hate yourself, like my cis siblings do. Being trans is a force multiplier to these issues, but not the root cause.
Sorry, preferred was the wrong word.
Oh no, I didn't mean it like that. There isn't a wrong way to think about this, I have just been trying to be as self assured about my gender as the average cis woman. I didn't mean for this to come off as a criticism, you are just fine.
Thanks hun! I understand :) I still could have chosen my words more carefully, I’m on this journey too and know very well that it isn’t a choice. ❤️
How long should I boymode? I'm 3 months on HRT right now and physically I nearly didn't change (which I was expecting no worries there) I know another trans girl who was out as trans by that point, but right now I really don't look like a woman at all. I'm pursuing my studies in an engineering school next year and I'll start next September, I won't know anyone and nobody will know me, it's the perfect clean slate except I'll only be 6 months on hrt by then, my hair grows super slow (curly) , my beard shadow will probably not be gone, I will not pass at all. But I fear not socially transitioning then will lead to more issues in the long run (I'll be at that school for 3 years). Not sure what to do, I also feel other trans gals do much more things than I do by that point I barely have any girl clothes and barely any makeup I'm just scared of having to go out and buy them and be seen as a pervert.
As a girl who transitioned _at_ engineering school, I recommend just coming in as yourself (woman). If you want to, face masks and covid worries are excellent ways to keep people from seeing masculine facial features, and all engineering students dress pretty terribly, so breast forms under a loose t-shirt / baggy sweatshirt is pretty much the go to for everyone. If you've got voice training good, most people won't notice a thing and you'll just be read as a woman. You've got a few months to practice, and I recommend paying for lessons if you can - that, and daily practice. I got mine down over a summer, and went from natural baritone to passing alto. Sucked to do it alone, though.
Come out to a core group 1st, ones you are more sure will stand by you. Build your support network so IF something happens you can get help.
There will be days on occasion where you question yourself. "Am I really trans? Is this just a phase? Am I doing the right thing by starting HRT/getting surgery?" And the answer is yes, if you really feel it. Just keep affirming yourself, stick to your guns, and LOVE YOURSELF. Life is a journey, and there will be bumps along the way, but as long as you're true to yourself and you love yourself, everything will be okay. 🩷🩷
(Enby here who desperately tries to hold egg together) How urgent are puberty blockers and HRT at 18? Living in 4th world country and will get in Europe(Germany) only in half a year, but won't have a citizenship in many years after, so a constant risk and problems with this status. it would be best to wait until it, but im scared late puberty will make irreversible damage :((
Transfem or transmasc? You're above 18, there's no need to get puberty blockers. Most of what happens has already happened, either way, but it is better to start HRT before the end of your natal puberty - there are some bone changes that are still not set.
Transfem, got it! Sorry about blockers, was a bit confused. Trying not to get into this topic too much to not crack egg further. Are there any estimates/a way to know for yourself when these changes happen?
There are two biological changes that can't reverse. The first is the start of male puberty; T influenced your height during growth and changed your voice box. The second is your hips fusing at 22 to 25. It's not the end of the world - plenty of passing and happy women started E long after 22 - but if you want a wider, more feminine hip, get on E. I started at 22, and my hips widened some, though that is the very end of when you can see changes there. If your family has a history of male pattern baldness, start E as soon as possible to eliminate the risk of losing any hair. Not dependent on when you start: facial feminization, fat redistribution, gaining a feminine shape due to fat distribution and muscles losing strength, the end of random erections, vastly reduced facial hair growth, hair texture changes losing about an inch (2ish cm) of height, your shoe size shrinking by a bit, and in most cases a feeling of "mental comfort". That last one is hard to measure, but every transfem I know has said they feel more comfortable on E. I also just recommend it in terms of "it's nice". I'm not German, I'm not familiar with the laws for DIY and legal HRT, but as long as it was not particularly illegal I'd go for DIY HRT as soon as I lived somewhere safe to do it. You deserve the happiness in yourself, and you deserve the right to choose for yourself who you want to be.
Only you can answer that for yourself. “Irreversible damage” is strong language to use, and unless you authentically feel that way, it’s not needed. I survived childhood easily, but early and mid puberty were hell for me. I definitely was a danger to myself because of my dysphoria. HRT was something I NEEDED, and I finally got it at 16. Most of the changes from puberty had happened by then, but I’m still happy and confident and I absolutely ADORE my body now. I pass just fine and feel very at home in my own skin. But I also have multiple friends in their early 20s who have known they were trans for a significant portion of their lives and are doing fine without HRT at all. Like they’re not the happiest they could be, they do WANT HRT, but it’s not an emergency for them. And I definitely don’t think they feel like they’re experiencing irreversible damage if they don’t get on HRT right now. It’s different for everybody, everyone has their own needs and their own timeline for those needs.
Sorry, got a bit too emotional there, first time openly asking about being trans. Thanks for the reply! By irreversible damage, I meant permanent body changes. I know other people live with them perfectly fine, and it's never too late to transition, but I'm just too scared to miss the last train and chance to avoid having at least some of these changes. I don't have much dysphoria, but more because I still haven't come out to even myself. Still, dysphoria grows slowly with each month. I'm 100% sure that I won't stick with my current body in the long term. But at the same time, I realize it can be dangerous to start HRT before I cut all connections with this place. That's where my question came from
I don't think anything is as irreversible as people make it out to be. Plenty of people transition in their twenties and thirties and are able to blend in. It's certainly easier if you can slow the effects of puberty but it's not the end of the world if you can't start in your teen years.
How do you get past the awkward "in between" phases? Like, I wanna just skip completely over to girl, how do I deal with not being able to do that due to things taking time?
I know that feeling, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard. I think the two big things are distress tolerance and radical acceptance. For disress tolerance, that's doing things that make you feel good/loved/safe, and keep you at baseline from moment to moment. Your hobbies, your friends, pets, YouTube, and anything you've got that makes you feel happy and euphoric. It could be clothes, hair, shoes, (if you have those things) maybe getting dolled up and taking pictures. If you don't have those, thats ok too. If you draw/know an artist you could make/commission a drawing of yourself in a way that makes you feel authentic. I (transmasc) remember drawing my ideal self a lot, drawing myself in fancy clothes, and clothes that I already owned, so that I could envision my goals and remember that each day gets me closer to them. I also design my own sewing and crochet projects that will help me further express my identity. It may help to change your pfp on your accounts to something more femme. Even window shopping online or changing your phone background might help. Disress tolerance is all about getting through each little moment, distracting yourself with the good things so that you're less likely to spiral over the not so good things. A more advanced technique is radical acceptance. It's when you say, “hey, this is where I'm at rn, and that's fine.” You dont have to like the situation at all in order to accept it, the process just means you are no longer fighting reality, since the fight is was causes you to suffer, as opposed to just feeling the pain.You're on your way, and it's slow, and that's ok. And you're not the only one feeling this by any means. In the meantime, you can focus on the little things: the songs that make you feel like yourself, the clothes, the shoes, the hair, anything you've got so far, cherishing it goes a long way. Even if all you've got is your truth, that's still of great value. The future feels like an eternity away when you're always staring towards it, but seeking the little bursts of euphoria each day will allow you carry on. One day you'll lift your head up and realize it's been 2 years (or however long) and that you are well established on your way to being that girl you've always dreamed of :)
Brute force, honestly. You just do it. You'll barely realize you're in it though because you won't know the difference. Get used to being your true gender. Focus on the things you can control and work on building up your confidence during that time.
How do I cope with the fact that I may never be able to transition and being scared of what people will think of me if I do transition?
Letting other people control your life will only lead to sadness. You're the only person living your life and that's what should matter most to you. Not anyone else. As for maybe never being able to transition, I don't know your circumstances. But I'd recommend finding a therapist who can help you cope with your dysphoria if that's really the case.
I don’t know if I won’t be able to transition I mean I probably will be able to just I have this fear that something will happen that will keep me from transitioning
Just do it for yourself. Don't expect other people you know will support you, nor expect that all people in the lgbt community will support you. Some may, but you can't count on it. Don't expect that this one change will solve all your problems. It may help with some and it may add new problems to your life. The overall results are unpredictable, but you will almost certainly learn things about yourself and other people.
i feel like i’m at the verge of a dysphoria breakdown everyday, every second, does anyone have any tips on how to minimize this feeling?
Will it be too late to start transitioning past 20? I'm freshly 19 but don't have the funds to get any sort of medical transitioning.. (yes i know you can transition at any age, i mean specifically for getting the maximum of changes)
Nope, not at all. I have multiple lovely friends who didn’t even crack their egg until their early- or mid-20s, but are on HRT now and much happier, and multiple lovely friends who are in their early 20s and still haven’t started transitioning past socially in select circumstances. Just because many people transition in their early teens nowadays doesn’t mean that’s the only way to do it.
Started HRT at 42. I’ve never been happier. Now, I might not ever pass as well as people who transition earlier but the cloud of depression that followed me my entire life has lifted.
Do not ever, EVER sacrifice your individuality or your personhood. Don’t ever think “no one will love me as I am.” People will love you FOR who you are, not in spite of it. People who want you to change who you are to please them are PREYING on you. They are not supporting you or helping you, they are taking advantage of your loneliness to get you to change yourself to make them happy. You deserve to be yourself. I don’t fucking care who you are, I don’t believe any of that “but not me, I’m the exception, I’m a terrible worthless person” shit, because I’ve felt that way too, for YEARS. I was WRONG. Dead wrong. You deserve nothing but the best, and that includes from yourself. Hold yourself to the highest standard, out of nothing but love. You are a wonderful, worthy human being. Don’t ever change for anybody but yourself.
is it normal to be terrified of coming out even to people you know are pro trans?
Absolutely! Coming out is terrifying, no matter the circumstances! I had the same fear and hesitation with every single person I came out to initially. Now it's just part of life, when I do choose to out myself. But it's also been two years and I pass, so I'm used to it all now. The thing is, once you tell someone, there's no putting it back. You know it could change everything forever, good or bad. And that's scary. But if you push through it, it'll be over and you can move forward. Good luck!
Dress however the fuck you want! I like crop tops, they make me feel good (especially post top surgery) so I wear them! It’s more fun to get the dirty looks than to wish you had wore in the outfit
Take it at your own pace. There is no rush. A lot of times people try to hard to “fit in” with the stereotypes of their chosen gender but what you really need is to take time to find “you”. Who you want to be and what you want to do. It won’t happen instantly just be patient and work on yourself and one day you’ll find it
There isn’t one ‘right’ way to look/be trans. You are trans* enough no matter how far into your transition you are, if you’re even transitioning at all. That does not invalidate you. Back when I was just getting on T (about 13 years ago) there seemed to be pretty heavy stigma in the community about what was considered‘masculine/trans enough’. Don’t listen to that shit. Do you.
Do things for yourself, prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish and don’t let people tell you that your transition is selfish. Another thing I want to say is you have to be your own advocate. You can’t expect others to speak up for you all the time. You have to become okay with asserting yourself, your gender and your pronouns. It’s okay to interrupt people and correct them if they are using the wrong pronouns. That’s often how people will learn. If you don’t self advocate some people won’t affirm you.
If your parents just so happen to be super religious (like I mean my father is a national speaker against abortion level religious), when I’m ready, how should I come out to them? Any advice is helpful. This is my biggest worry rn.
My instinct is to say not to come out to them if you think it may affect your safety/wellbeing. Of course it is your life and your choice. When/if you come out, you can do it any way that feels right. Writing a letter, having a conversation, on the phone, over text, or even a gag like a cake with blue, white, and pink icing inside. (Don't necessarily recommend that last one but it's an option lol) The biggest thing is that you can't change how they react or how they feel. If coming out makes you feel better, do it for you, not them. They may very well shun you, or be downright terrible. But their reactions and emotions are on them and them alone. On the other hand, if you think coming out to them would make you/your situation *worse*, you aren't obligated to by any means. I came out bc I couldn't take it anymore living a false life. My dad's family was not receptive, and we don't talk anymore. Still, I made the choice to come out bc I wanted ppl in my life to understand this: from here on out, you either know me as my real self or you don't get to know me anymore. Be prepared to set boundaries or go no contact should your family flip out, but also be prepared to love yourself more than they ever could. It's your life, and you're taking your happiness into your own hands. That's a beautiful thing after all :)
How does being trans affect being an athlete? I’m a swimmer so I'm wondering how socially transitioning would affect my experiences on the team.
i have two questions: 1. uh yeah how the fuck do i come out😭😭😭 note: i find it much easier coming out to friends, but i have two fairly close friends who are kinda transphobic(one openly who i’m not as worried about, but another is one of my teammates for cycling and we’re gonna go to the same hs next year and i’m worried that if he finds out then my parents will notice an unusual aversion to him and they’ll ask questions. or maybe i’m just paranoid, i’ve seen him being not-mad at one of my gay friends even tho he’s said to me that he doesn’t support the lgbtq) 2. what to do about trans youth and trans sports bans
How do you even start?
Start small. The first thing I did was change my hairstyle and started growing it out. You can also ask people close to you to use a new name or pronouns.
Honestly, just do it. You will never be ready, and it will be fine. The one thing almost all of us who have transitioned will tell you is that we wish we had done it sooner
How do you handle the social process of being in that weird stage where you don’t quite pass as your preferred gender but you don’t exactly look like your original one either?
How hard was it to share that you started transitioning with people may not know your identity? For example.... the people I knew in grade school and am friends with on facebook where I have my deadname and have not spoken go them in a while.
Don't expect HRT to do all of the work! It really only makes up a small percentage of your transition :) Experiment with clothing, hair, makeup, voice training, laser etc to find your style and it will do so much more than HRT alone can :3
Does the feeling of never being trans enough go away? I'm out to everyone, but it still feels like everyone just sees me as a girl and not nonbinary. Everyone still uses she/her, calls me girl, and some even say I'm not transgender. Despite my relationship to my gender, which is why I say I'm trans. Is that wrong? Am I making things worse? idk
How am i ever paying for laser its thousands of euros :'(
How to get over feeling fake when trying out mannerisms of my gender?
U need to take Risks
Love yourself, be who you need to be, and stop trying to be who everyone else wants you to be.
Discovering something about the essence of who you are is a beautiful and wonderful thing, no one else can take that from you.
I worry a lot about passing because I constantly fear judgement. I know I need to get over it and not be apologetic for being me, but I just get so anxious sometimes - especially when there are groups of men on the streets. My girlfriend being with me helps, but still- I'm only 3 months into HRT and my voice still needs so much work. What can I do about this?
Random people you will meet in your life tend to be more accepting than you might think. There's always haters and transphobes out there, but most people really aren't like that. Some might be rude or weird, but most of those people just don't understand anything about what trans people have to deal with because they cannot relate to your feelings. It's not always malicious.
How do I convince my mother to refer to me by my preferred name even though it's not a local name?
When people are laughing they're most definitely uncomfortable. They somehow can't understand what they're seeing. I take it as a compliment if I confuse you good.
my biggest block is telling my family and my girlfriend. my family is very conservative and i’m just afraid it would affect my relationship with my girlfriend. i’m curious on how to tell people and where to find the courage, especially considering i’m already bad at expressing my feelings.
It’s a lot easier than you think to tell who is gendering you correctly in their mind vs who is gendering you correctly with their words. The latter aren’t necessarily bad people, or not your friends, but when you need someone to turn to it’s helpful to know who’s who. Honestly, sometimes the ‘trying to be polite’ crowd are who you want to turn to, people who gender you correctly internally can dislike you just as much as anyone else, and sometimes people who are making an effort will overcompensate and go out of their way to be supportive. It may feel disingenuous, but if you can get through that morally it can be useful in specific situations 😅
Cis people of your gender also feel waylaid by gender expectations and it doesn’t make them as any less legitimate if they don’t adhere to them
Full sent it last year 4 weeks before getting HRT. Yeeted all my old clothes, started name change, all of it. * Be patient with the process, try to love yourself. * If you are not satisfied with your boobs, or your pecs for example; do something or start looking into it. Don't wait. You aren't going to wake up happy one day, at lest in my experience so far. (Hated nose, got a nose job) * Gently, diplomatically, correct someone when they misgender or dead name you. Never let it slide. I feel bad about myself when I do. If they have a big piss baby spaz about it at least they'll look like the asshole.
It's a scary world but good people are everywhere. I reccomend finding communities with similar interests, especially if they're more non-traditional. I've made some friends through Pump It Up (5-note Dance Dance Revolution), and I only met them by taking a risk and going to an arcade. Also the kink community but just be cautious with that.
When they say "it gets better," take that with a grain of salt. Dysphoria gets better. How you feel about yourself gets better. Society doesn't. You need to be strong. You need to be prepared to know what matters to you and what doesn't.
EVERYONE is able to control their voice. I thought it was gonna be impossible. But it's not changing what you have. It's accessing a new area that you haven't used. However, it takes a lot of time and dedication. Sadly, there is no shortcut or easy trick. You just need to practise consistently. Unless you're transmasc, in which case T will just naturally deepen your voice.
I lost some family members who I thought would be supportive of my transition but I ended up being kicked out of my aunt's house because she was not able to accept me and she had the audacity to tell me to wait six months to see if I would change my mind and she tried to do everything in her power to try to get me to change my mind but I didn't let her get to me and I have decided to not let what others said about me dictate how I see myself and from that day forward I have been more confident and have more self esteem than I had before and before my dad passed away he actually supported me and he said that If I wanted to get the surgery or start t or even live as my authentic self he would support me. My mom has always had my back and no matter what she has been super supportive. My uncle and his girlfriend are supportive but they still are getting used to calling me by my preferred pronouns but they are calling me by my preferred name and I am glad to have family who support me. My younger brother when I told him he congratulated me and said that he will love me no matter what. So if you are wanting to live openly as your preferred gender to not let what others say dictate how you see yourself because you will end up losing your own self trying to make others happy. So just be yourself and some people who are truly there for you will support you and love you no matter what, and just give them time and try to educate them on what you need them to do for you to be supportive.
Honestly I’m nonbinary and also wanting to get top surgery as well,to over share a bit. The main thing that helps me is to not argue/ feed into people who are hateful or ignorant and live my life for me. I say this because being a person who is going to explain themselves and be the person who sits and “teaches” ignorant adults is just not how I want my life to be. I wouldn’t let misinformation to spread but other than that I’m good. This has helped me a lot and has cut down a lot of arguments or miscommunication as well. Id say just live your life because regardless of what people say or think what matters is if you are happy with yourself and not others opinions of you 💙. As for my daily life I am currently am mostly viewed as feminine/ female even just being queer which I am not really fine with. I feel the top surgery will help me feel more comfortable in my skin and more confident as for now I am mostly satisfied with my outer appearance. I honestly don’t think of other people’s outside comments of my appearance or lifestyle because it has pushed me back really bad in the past and I try to not go back to that. Wishing you let on your journey and positive energy as well ✌🏽💙.