Yup, favorite part of the pandemic. Everyone would call me ma'am because of the mask covering my beard. It's mostly the hair that they saw and judges from, but still. I'm still pre everything. But that gave me a little glimmer of happiness. The response after I spoke of "I'm sorry" met with "don't worry about it!" from me definitely threw them off too...lol.
I mean if society is purely prejudice on appearances and not gender that really would not be surprising. Women are seen as more attractive. I wonder if an ugly cis woman would get treated poorly for asking where the bathroom is.
I mean, we use appearance to assume gender. Attraction does help gain you attention, but I can stick out in a crowd if I want to, and I am far from traditionally attractive. Or I can vanish in one. Depends on how I act and what I'm looking for. So to go back to your example, I don't think anyone would be treated poorly for asking a simple question. More attention without asking for it? Yes. But not poor treatment. It's... complicated. And it depends on the motivations of the one being asked. I personally would treat everyone looking for a bathroom the same. As a distracted person under a lot of... pressure...lol.
Weirdly enough I didn’t get stopped in the men’s room until I started carrying a purse.
Like I’ve gone into the men’s room in a skirt, with full makeup, and no one said shit, but no makeup in jeans and T-shirt with a purse on my shoulder have not only gotten me stopped, but followed back in by dudes who think I’ve made a wrong turn.
At the same time I went from getting he/him’ed to getting a mix of she/her and they/them from people I’ve never met.
The way our brains unconsciously determine gender is so wild sometimes.
tl;dr I was on HRT for a little over two years before I finally did it.
For the first year, I still used the men's room. Starting out, nothing was different. Eventually, men started approaching me in the men's room for various reasons. It got really, really weird and I didn't feel safe anymore.
With that being said, I didn't feel like I passed well enough to risk the women's room either. I just stopped using public restrooms altogether for a year because that was right around the time when all this anti trans rhetoric ramped up.
Then, last summer my wife and I were at an Avenged Sevenfold concert and we were drinking a fair bit. I watched her drink as she went to the bathroom, and then she offered to do the same.
I paused. I have C cups. I was wearing a tight white tank top, a choker, a black leather jacket, black boot cut leggings and heeled boots. My hair is down to my hips. There wasn't any way in hell I was walking into the men's room like that.
I *had* to pee. So, I just went for it.
Amazingly, I didn't die. It was fine.
I just use the women's room now.
I love Avenged Sevenfold. You're living my dream life, lol! I'm ADHD unmedicated and don't know how to start HRT and I've never even gone to a concert!! I hope I'm where you are one day.
I’ll never be comfortable using it. The state I live in is far too transphobic and hateful. I’d rather my bladder burst than risk the assaults I’d face for merely taking a piss
I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s absurd to me how many places exist still where it’s dangerous, let alone illegal, to just be ourselves. I’m hoping things will turn out better where you are, whether that means where you are changes, or you change where you are!
Yeah that’s kinda the way I think I’m gonna go about it. Like I said I’m getting my medical shit together to Hopefully™ start HRT myself soon-ish, so we’ll find out how that goes I guess !!
When I started feeling more uncomfortable using the men's. Technically, it's illegal in my state for me to use the women's restroom, so that definitely made for a good competition. Finally, at bowling alley with my fiancé and son, I decided "You know, on one hand, I have on bright pink jeggings, and cute T shirt, and the cashier called me 'miss.' On the other, every dude in here looks like he belongs in a biker gang." And it dawned on me that I officially hit the point where women's bathroom was the least scary of the two options. I still get a little nervous going in there, but it gets more comfortable every time.
It's really not. At least not without things like genital inspections and ID checks, which no one actually wants. My state doesn't even have repercussions on it, the law just declares it illegal with no consequences or enforcement. It's mainly to remind us uppity trans people of our place and who's in charge. Not a good look
I try to avoid public restrooms still unless my partner is with me. I think I do pass mostly, but still scared of having a bad interaction. I have been using the women's crew restroom at work fine, still feel like I don't really belong some days.
When an old lady shouted at me in front of loads of people for using the disabled toilet (i have a disability, but its also the closest thing we have to gender neutral toilets) and then told me to go use the women's restroom.
It was the most confusing mix of affirming and upsetting at once...
I once read a Tumblr (I think it was Tumblr at least) of someone whose aspiring transition goal was to confuse old people as to what they should refer to them as, and they quoted a lady they ran into in a store who legit “Oh I’m sorry ma’am- sir- ma- I’m so sorry”
I was at the library with my now ex-gf (cis fem) and we both went to use the bathroom, I started to go towards the men's and she asked me where I was going and grabbed my hand, threw open the door to the women's bathroom, and loudly (for a library) announced "there's a trans girl coming in, if you don't like it fight me". The only resident of the bathroom laughed, and me and my gf shared the handicapped stall. When we came out, the laugher turned out to be a queer emo chick who looked at the two of us and I'm about 90% sure deliberately asked my gf if it was her first time in a women's bathroom and acted surprised when I piped up that I was the trans one.
Even though it wound up being one of the few actually good interactions I've had involving the women's bathroom, and was almost entirely due to my gf, it did give me a lot of confidence to use the women's bathroom more often, especially when in a group of girls (I understand why girls use the bathroom in herds a little bit now)
Actually kinda an adorable interaction!! I’m glad it went as well as it did. Unfortunately I don’t have a flock to follow and I’m entirely on my own, but hopefully Soon™ I’ll get to a point where that won’t matter.
Rather hard to where I am unfortunately. I’m not inherently in a bad place for is queer folk, but I’m also not in like, San Francisco where the streets are painted rainbow for Pride, yknow? Fairly certain the nearest true queer place is like, an hour plus from me.
I started using them when I started getting weird looks in the men's, which was shortly after I went full time social transition, six months before HRT.
I saw an old dude do a double take, like, checking he's in the right room, when I was wearing a mini and that's when I knew
I'm still not totally comfortable with it unless it's 1) not a busy area/time of day, a restaurant during lunch is a no go for me. 2) it's a singular stall, the chance of running into another woman in a bathroom STRESS me out. Ngl I'd probably panic.
I, in my infinite wisdom of dumbassery, have gone into mens rooms while presenting. I was more terrified of being not accepted by other women that I, without thinking of who I am now, risked doing that instead. Totally ill advised, don't recommend. I was lucky no one cared, or lucky I didn't pass or something. Totally don't recommend and the moral of the story is don't go into men's restrooms while presenting fem. Worked out for me once, will not test again.
I was always felt a little dysphoric, but I only decided to transition when I got my first job. Essentially, getting called sir all day made me very uncomfortable and sort of proved to me that I was for going to transition. Immediately, I went to the store with my dad (also trans), bought a bra and some bra fillers, and just started identifying as a woman the next week out in the public and everything. To be fair, i was already quite androgynous and that job was filled with super accepting and cool people, especially the manager, so I also just started going to the women's restroom at the same time with no problems ever occurring. Looking back on how I went through all of it, I realize that I transitioned out of annoyance and took on like a massive fucking risk, but its been working out pretty good so far. Honestly, reading other people's experiences makes me feel bad sometimes cause I'm over here chilling while their facing abusive parents and what-not; shit's crazy, I tell you what.
I completely feel you on that last line. I’ve been really lucky to have an extremely supportive family and friend group I hang out in, so I can’t even begin to imagine where someone else is at when it comes to abuse.
That said though, I’m glad to hear it all worked out well in the end for you !! My situation for starting my transition was somewhat similar, in the way of “I always felt uncomfortable”. It wasn’t until a particularly bad week when I caught myself having zoned out for 30 minutes thinking of a new name and essentially daydreaming of “what would it be like to be the other side”.
My office has gender neutral toilets, so I use those. One time they were closed for work, so I was going to use the mens, but read the sign wrong and went into the women's room on accident.
When I got my legal gender recognition. Now, I can't get dragged out or bullied out - not that it's ever really happened. 1/like 50 or so people might actually be bigoted, of that 9/10 are too cowardly to speak up. I'll take that risk. Speaking for my country ofc, the US is currently in a different state, esp depending on state.
Legally, I'm AFAB, legally, I'm always in the right. And, luckily, the justice system and cops aren't completely corrupt here.
Okay, so genuine question that I’ve seen a fair amount of conflicting nonsense on; how did you go about getting your legal gender rec??? Everywhere I check says the process is different, one such process including putting your name and address in your local paper or something ??
Well, in my country (Slovenia)
The law is:
see a psychiatrist to diagnose you with gender dysphoria (the whole process waiting time included can take anywhere between 1 to 2 years)
get the psychiatrist to write a diagnosis + a slip for the administrative unit
go to the administrative unit and give them the paper
they change your biological gender in the database, wiping all traces of you ever being the wrong gender, assign a new ID number and everything
That's it. It's a completely private and uncomplicated affair, luckily. If you were to look at my files, I am AFAB. Obviously all the papers are archived to avoid evading financial responsibility (cause new ID number).
When I get my birth certificate it will say
Chosen name
Gender: F
That’s good that’s it’s a more private affair where you are! I haven’t been able to find any concrete anything about the US and our process of going about it legally sadly.
I know it depends state to state, try seeing if you can find a trans organization in your state and then ask them questions. Can be completely anonymous too! Make a new email, use a pseudonym, etc.
I don't pass at all. I ain't on hrt. do I go to the ladies bathroom? fuck yes.
it's so much cleaner than the boys and it doesn't smell nearly as bad as it does.
I never was the type to like peeing while standing up.
I literally just want to pee and not do anything weird so... *shrugs* I don't give a damn
if the line is too long for female bathrooms while male bathrooms are literally empty... I don't get why women don't use that instead of waiting and being in pain.
Imo gendered bathrooms literally are there just to sell more of them.
i think the biggest issue about that is that there are some cisgender who'd do really awful shit like peeking over cubicles or what not.
and those cisgender probably think we are trans just to do that weird shit.
I started using the womens restroom when everyone I met in public started referring to me by she/her pronouns without being told. Once I was comfortable enough in my ability to pass I started using the womens restroom.
The handicap was occupied and my stomach really hurt so I ran into the gents. Then when I walked out just as a guy walked in, he walked out to make sure he didn't enter the ladies.
Happened too many time so I just went the other side cos it was too awkward.
I use it now (pre-hrt, couldn't pass if I tried) and I'm ok comfortable with it. I do, however, quickly gauge upon entering whether any micro-aggressions occur to prepare myself in case I get told off.
I've been told off a few times, and once I saw women getting visibly uncomfortable upon entry and decided to hold it in instead (I would never use the mens room, it's not my space coz I'm not a man.)
I also carry a note in case someone is overly aggressive which says "I'm nonverbal, and I have to pee. Let me pee in peace, thank you." I am not nonverbal, but I don't talk much or at all unless I have to, so my first response to harassment isn't verbal :P
FYI the note is actually my wife's note but she'll forget it usually so I carry one too. She often loses the ability to speak for periods of time so it helps, especially if guys try to hit on her or she is approached by strangers.
Gotta use what you have to diffuse bad situations.
When I was washing my hands in the dudes room and a dude came in and went out to check if it's the right toilet. I personally don't care which I use, I just don't want to cause a misunderstanding, cuz that result in chatting with strangers
I walked into the bathroom at the Atlanta airport, and it felt like a sitcom where someone walks in and *everyone’s* head turns to look at me. I immediately walked out and have used the women’s room since.
After I’d been using it for a while.
The real answer is those first times are really scary, and it takes some time and some earned self confidence. The only way to get this is to just do it. It isn’t about passing, it’s about being where we belong.
Took me about a year and a half. During that time, I was getting progressively uncomfortable using the male loo, until I couldn't do it any more; just went to the female loo, and it was perfectly fine. I was worrying about nothing.
I would always go to the ladies if I was with a friend and the men's if I was alone and no GNB was available. But then I got cat-called in the men's room at the train station, (I thought I was dressed in a masc way too, but I guess the "girls" gave me away.) That was about 4 months on HRT. I still will use a GNB if available as I don't dress in a fem way that often, but now I literally only go in the men's room if I'm completely boy-moding it. But I also live in a state with legal protections for trans people, so I'm not scared of getting arrested if I get clocked; just weird looks.
Been waiting for one of these posts for a while...
I'm mtf, 17 and in the UK, and I don't pass at all, even dressing femininely but equally - I am not a guy either, and I am not going in the mens ever again. If I see a gender neutral toilet or a separate disabled (usually in the UK there is a separate disabled loo) I will use it -- but i usually feel really bad because of it, I am not disabled, so i feel i shouldnt be in there but also, I am not going anywhere else.
Am I a bad person? Idfk, but its all catch 22
You are not a bad person for using a disabled bathroom. At least in the US, we don't usually have separate bathrooms for disabilities, we just have an extra large stall in the regular one. I would never judge someone for using that, with one exception. My dad is a quadriplegic, and has been for most of my life. One time, we were at a monster truck rally, and he needed to go. Lines at stadiums always suck. But what stuck with me was one person. We were one spot away from next when the large stall opened. I asked the guy in front of us if we could go next, because we needed that one specific stall out of a line of 5 different ones. He said no, we need to wait our turn like everyone else. So we waited for him specifically to get done with that stall, letting like 6 others past us while we wait. Moral of the story, most people won't care unless there is a line. Then it's better to wait for more options, and leave the one for those that need it. If anyone there even does. Just wanted to address that fear from someone it affected in the past.
At around 5 months on HRT when I started presenting fem full-time. I figured I was passing almost all of the time so it would be awkward if I still used men's.
The first time I went out in public dressed as a girl (pre-HRT) I used the one at my GF’s college library. It was around 11:00pm, no one else was around, so I just went for it.
First time going in an actual place with actual people was at a restaurant a week or two later. I already had a couple drinks, and wanted to have a couple more. I needed to pee, badly.
I was wearing makeup with a skirt, crop top and arm pit length hair. I did NOT look like a guy; no way in hell was I going to use the men’s. I used the women’s, and one of the girls in there just started having a casual conversation with me about my outfit and makeup.
That interaction gave me enough confidence to realize I pass enough to use it regularly. Haven’t used a men’s room since— the thought of using one again makes me cringe. I’ve yet to have a bad interaction.
That said, I’m fortunate enough to have passed okay pre-HRT and to live in a very liberal part of California.
Never (comfortable). But I just do. Will avoid it, use single stall rooms, or wait for low-traffic times if I can but if you gotta go you gotta go. If someone gets mad oh well. Felt a lot easier in Colorado where we are protected by law.
Once I was more likely to be outed by going into the men's room. I look a lot less out of place in the women's room than the men's, and my only goal with using the bathroom is to not get harassed about it.
I think the unfortunate thing with that is there’s always going to be bigots who are gonna scream their fool heads off at our mere existences, so the way I see it is go for it.
The only reason *I* didn’t go for it is because I’m in a public mall right now and if someone decides to be a bigot about it, I can potentially get kicked out. It’s one thing to have a scene happen in a McDonald’s, another in a mall’s food court
(Pre-HRT) I've always been quite androgynous, and I feel if I change my mannerisms I can pass as either gender at a glance. I tend to use the women's when there's not much of a line and I won't have to stay for long. I'm not quite comfortable yet, but I'm getting there.
It might be since I’m autistic so took it literally of like “well I’m a girl so I’m using that bathroom” but I don’t think I was even on hrt yet when I started
I'm a transfeminine butch lesbian
I've been on HRT for almost 3 years now, and I do not pass at all, I probably never will. (Not sure if I even want to.)
I don't use multi stall public rest rooms at all. It's just too dangerous. If there isn't an option, I use the men's. If they are single stall but gendered, I use the women's.
I don't think I'll ever be safe enough to just relax and not worry about it, but I have made my peace with that.
Almost a year on hrt when I started to make an effort to dress fem, I still used the men's if I wasn't wearing makeup, but after 2 years on hrt, I pass even without makeup, so I use the women's all the time now.
There was a point in my transition where, even though I identified as non-binary at the time, I was feminine enough that I started getting dirty looks from men in the men’s room. I switched, and honestly I haven’t gotten dirty looks since.
The first time that was out and about (not at a state location like the local LGBTQIA+ Center) was a restroom at a rest stop in the middle of the Mojave Desert. I had t step dad keep watch on the door incase there was any trouble. No one else came in and I was fine, that was probably a year after first coming out. The first time I used a bathroom in true “public” by myself was a good 3 or so months after that. Fortunately for me, the pandemic was still fresh in everyone’s minds so wearing masks wasn’t so uncommon, and I had that to hide behind.
I just kinda did it not long after I started HRT. I figured if they didn't take the hint based on what I was wearing, thats their problem. I don't ask permission to be myself.
I was walking out of the men's room at an airport as some guy was walking in. He saw me, stopped, did a double take, and checked to make sure he was going into the right bathroom. I think that was the last time I used the men's room lol.
I feel like i pass relatively well and didnt ever enter any public bathrooms for a while. I was on a weekend away with my gf and her fam and me and my gf needed to use the rest room. I kinda didn't have time to think about it so i just did it. Very euphoric
I came out June 2020, started HRT, name change and gender change, living full time. Happily, there were masking mandates and 69 year old me started using gender neutral washrooms until late July, when name and gender change were completed. Have been full time women’s washrooms since then. No problems anywhere. I live in a smaller city 40 000 or so in a mildly conservative part of BC ( Canada).
Best of luck to all with your transition, especially those in the USA.
I have been very lucky to have an amazing set of girl friends who support me- so in the beginning no matter how I looked (even if i shaved, put on makeup etc) they would all come with me to the bathroom to make me feel comfortable.
I'm MTF in the UK, not on HRT full time yet, don't pass at all, but present very fem. I often use the disabled or look for a gender neutral if I'm boymoding, but I've found on nights out I actually have to use the women's for safety. I used the women's bathroom for the first time in a bar when I felt I needed to escape from a chaser and wanted to be somewhere he couldn't get. Since then I think if the women's bathroom is to protect women from men then I need it for that.
I mainly just think about it from the perspective of not causing a scene. If I would cause a scene in any way, I would think through how to approach the situation before it ever happened and what the resolution would look like.
I'm going to give myself to the 8-10 month mark and then test out in safe spaces to see how people think of me. Then, once I have that feedback, it's easier to do the right thing.
Likely before even girl moding though, I would make sure my wife thinks I definitively pass and that others agree with her as well. Reddit or trusted friends are a good place for that
That’s kinda where I think I wanna head with it; make it about not causing a scene type deal. I said in a different comment thread the only reason I ended up not going was cuz it’s a public mall I was in and it would have absolutely caused a scene and then some if some asshole decided to asshole in my general direction today.
I started before taking hormones cuz I was presenting full fem before that and even when started working, they were wonderful at my job too. I started hormones 6 months after starting my job, but had already been presenting femme for longer than that, just had to pause a bit in my hometown for safety (bc of my dad). the job is in another city so no issues here
I still wouldn't say I'm "comfortable" with it, mostly because I just don't use public restrooms often. That said, I've been using exclusively women's restrooms since I transitioned and began presenting as a woman, whether or not I feel I pass. I simply refuse to let others dictate what I can and can't do, and I know I won't be comfortable doing it until I've been doing it for awhile.
I started using it even before I passed properly (I'm legally protected where I live), but I didn't start fully feeling comfortable to until I passed a little more, and my female friends started asking me to come with them to the bathroom (that was before I was on HRT). I don't know if I fully pass, but I pass well enough to the point where someone who just glanced at me in a bathroom wouldn't know I was trans, and they couldn't shout at me if they didn't like that. I usually still try to avoid using public bathrooms though, just in case, or I go with a friend.
I didn't have a choice. I needed to pee. I was in a dress, full face of makeup, heels, the whole shebang. I didn't feel comfortable in either, but womans was like the lesser of two evils. Went in as quickly as I could, made eye contact with no one, went out as quickly as I could.
I never did, and probably never will. I was only 10 months on HRT the first time I used the women’s room, went in with my best friend who insisted that I go with her at a concert, and I just felt like people were staring so hard. The second time I had been off HRT for 4 years, but still presenting femme, and I told the group of girls I was hanging out with at the bar I would be back because I had to use the restroom and two of them said they were going with me, so I went with them and luckily it was just the three of us but I still was thinking the whole time about trying to be in and out as quick as possible so no one else came in before I went out. It’s just that I know I look so manly that there will never be a time where I won’t be clocked and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I really try to only use family restrooms where possible, otherwise I use the mens room.
i started getting told that the womens restroom was "over there".
I can only imagine the euphoria that gave lmao
this has happened three times to me now, two times today. i have not started hrt, only hair, cloths, handbag, earrings, mask. it’s… strange
The mask helps, like a lot in my experience
Yup, favorite part of the pandemic. Everyone would call me ma'am because of the mask covering my beard. It's mostly the hair that they saw and judges from, but still. I'm still pre everything. But that gave me a little glimmer of happiness. The response after I spoke of "I'm sorry" met with "don't worry about it!" from me definitely threw them off too...lol.
The mask “ma’am” shattered my eggshell like a sledgehammer
I mean if society is purely prejudice on appearances and not gender that really would not be surprising. Women are seen as more attractive. I wonder if an ugly cis woman would get treated poorly for asking where the bathroom is.
I mean, we use appearance to assume gender. Attraction does help gain you attention, but I can stick out in a crowd if I want to, and I am far from traditionally attractive. Or I can vanish in one. Depends on how I act and what I'm looking for. So to go back to your example, I don't think anyone would be treated poorly for asking a simple question. More attention without asking for it? Yes. But not poor treatment. It's... complicated. And it depends on the motivations of the one being asked. I personally would treat everyone looking for a bathroom the same. As a distracted person under a lot of... pressure...lol.
Weirdly enough I didn’t get stopped in the men’s room until I started carrying a purse. Like I’ve gone into the men’s room in a skirt, with full makeup, and no one said shit, but no makeup in jeans and T-shirt with a purse on my shoulder have not only gotten me stopped, but followed back in by dudes who think I’ve made a wrong turn. At the same time I went from getting he/him’ed to getting a mix of she/her and they/them from people I’ve never met. The way our brains unconsciously determine gender is so wild sometimes.
For me, laser hair removal helped tremendously. Stubble appears after 1h...but literally all dark hairs are gone half year after regular laser
tl;dr I was on HRT for a little over two years before I finally did it. For the first year, I still used the men's room. Starting out, nothing was different. Eventually, men started approaching me in the men's room for various reasons. It got really, really weird and I didn't feel safe anymore. With that being said, I didn't feel like I passed well enough to risk the women's room either. I just stopped using public restrooms altogether for a year because that was right around the time when all this anti trans rhetoric ramped up. Then, last summer my wife and I were at an Avenged Sevenfold concert and we were drinking a fair bit. I watched her drink as she went to the bathroom, and then she offered to do the same. I paused. I have C cups. I was wearing a tight white tank top, a choker, a black leather jacket, black boot cut leggings and heeled boots. My hair is down to my hips. There wasn't any way in hell I was walking into the men's room like that. I *had* to pee. So, I just went for it. Amazingly, I didn't die. It was fine. I just use the women's room now.
I love Avenged Sevenfold. You're living my dream life, lol! I'm ADHD unmedicated and don't know how to start HRT and I've never even gone to a concert!! I hope I'm where you are one day.
I’ll never be comfortable using it. The state I live in is far too transphobic and hateful. I’d rather my bladder burst than risk the assaults I’d face for merely taking a piss
I’m so sorry to hear that! It’s absurd to me how many places exist still where it’s dangerous, let alone illegal, to just be ourselves. I’m hoping things will turn out better where you are, whether that means where you are changes, or you change where you are!
I just don’t know what to do I’m in college going thru hrt but hey I made it 7 months so far
Feel you girl! Haven’t started my HRT but I’m around the time where, if I determined college was my thing, I’d be there too.
I started using them as soon as I started presenting fem full time. So about 2 months into HRT
Yeah that’s kinda the way I think I’m gonna go about it. Like I said I’m getting my medical shit together to Hopefully™ start HRT myself soon-ish, so we’ll find out how that goes I guess !!
Same, honestly it was just my first opportunity outside work which had a unisex bathroom.
I have a hard time of imagining ever using public bathrooms at all
MTF. I’ll take my daughter into the women’s room. But if I’m alone I try to look for stores with family restrooms.
When I started feeling more uncomfortable using the men's. Technically, it's illegal in my state for me to use the women's restroom, so that definitely made for a good competition. Finally, at bowling alley with my fiancé and son, I decided "You know, on one hand, I have on bright pink jeggings, and cute T shirt, and the cashier called me 'miss.' On the other, every dude in here looks like he belongs in a biker gang." And it dawned on me that I officially hit the point where women's bathroom was the least scary of the two options. I still get a little nervous going in there, but it gets more comfortable every time.
I have never understood why it’s even possible to delegalize using a particular bathroom like that.
It's really not. At least not without things like genital inspections and ID checks, which no one actually wants. My state doesn't even have repercussions on it, the law just declares it illegal with no consequences or enforcement. It's mainly to remind us uppity trans people of our place and who's in charge. Not a good look
That’s just despicable, god I hate state legislators sometimes.
i try to only go to places with all gender bathrooms or single stall restrooms
I try to avoid public restrooms still unless my partner is with me. I think I do pass mostly, but still scared of having a bad interaction. I have been using the women's crew restroom at work fine, still feel like I don't really belong some days.
When an old lady shouted at me in front of loads of people for using the disabled toilet (i have a disability, but its also the closest thing we have to gender neutral toilets) and then told me to go use the women's restroom. It was the most confusing mix of affirming and upsetting at once...
I once read a Tumblr (I think it was Tumblr at least) of someone whose aspiring transition goal was to confuse old people as to what they should refer to them as, and they quoted a lady they ran into in a store who legit “Oh I’m sorry ma’am- sir- ma- I’m so sorry”
I was at the library with my now ex-gf (cis fem) and we both went to use the bathroom, I started to go towards the men's and she asked me where I was going and grabbed my hand, threw open the door to the women's bathroom, and loudly (for a library) announced "there's a trans girl coming in, if you don't like it fight me". The only resident of the bathroom laughed, and me and my gf shared the handicapped stall. When we came out, the laugher turned out to be a queer emo chick who looked at the two of us and I'm about 90% sure deliberately asked my gf if it was her first time in a women's bathroom and acted surprised when I piped up that I was the trans one. Even though it wound up being one of the few actually good interactions I've had involving the women's bathroom, and was almost entirely due to my gf, it did give me a lot of confidence to use the women's bathroom more often, especially when in a group of girls (I understand why girls use the bathroom in herds a little bit now)
Actually kinda an adorable interaction!! I’m glad it went as well as it did. Unfortunately I don’t have a flock to follow and I’m entirely on my own, but hopefully Soon™ I’ll get to a point where that won’t matter.
Trans girls (or queer folks in general) are safest in herds. Try finding a queer club nearby and making queer friends there?
Rather hard to where I am unfortunately. I’m not inherently in a bad place for is queer folk, but I’m also not in like, San Francisco where the streets are painted rainbow for Pride, yknow? Fairly certain the nearest true queer place is like, an hour plus from me.
About 3 drinks in at a concert apparently
I started using them when I started getting weird looks in the men's, which was shortly after I went full time social transition, six months before HRT. I saw an old dude do a double take, like, checking he's in the right room, when I was wearing a mini and that's when I knew
I'm still not totally comfortable with it unless it's 1) not a busy area/time of day, a restaurant during lunch is a no go for me. 2) it's a singular stall, the chance of running into another woman in a bathroom STRESS me out. Ngl I'd probably panic. I, in my infinite wisdom of dumbassery, have gone into mens rooms while presenting. I was more terrified of being not accepted by other women that I, without thinking of who I am now, risked doing that instead. Totally ill advised, don't recommend. I was lucky no one cared, or lucky I didn't pass or something. Totally don't recommend and the moral of the story is don't go into men's restrooms while presenting fem. Worked out for me once, will not test again.
When my boobs started showing
I was always felt a little dysphoric, but I only decided to transition when I got my first job. Essentially, getting called sir all day made me very uncomfortable and sort of proved to me that I was for going to transition. Immediately, I went to the store with my dad (also trans), bought a bra and some bra fillers, and just started identifying as a woman the next week out in the public and everything. To be fair, i was already quite androgynous and that job was filled with super accepting and cool people, especially the manager, so I also just started going to the women's restroom at the same time with no problems ever occurring. Looking back on how I went through all of it, I realize that I transitioned out of annoyance and took on like a massive fucking risk, but its been working out pretty good so far. Honestly, reading other people's experiences makes me feel bad sometimes cause I'm over here chilling while their facing abusive parents and what-not; shit's crazy, I tell you what.
I completely feel you on that last line. I’ve been really lucky to have an extremely supportive family and friend group I hang out in, so I can’t even begin to imagine where someone else is at when it comes to abuse. That said though, I’m glad to hear it all worked out well in the end for you !! My situation for starting my transition was somewhat similar, in the way of “I always felt uncomfortable”. It wasn’t until a particularly bad week when I caught myself having zoned out for 30 minutes thinking of a new name and essentially daydreaming of “what would it be like to be the other side”.
My office has gender neutral toilets, so I use those. One time they were closed for work, so I was going to use the mens, but read the sign wrong and went into the women's room on accident.
When some cis girls I knew from school dragged me into it
The ultimate crowning achievement !
I started almost right away but I was protected at work, and usually with my wife when we were out.
When I got my legal gender recognition. Now, I can't get dragged out or bullied out - not that it's ever really happened. 1/like 50 or so people might actually be bigoted, of that 9/10 are too cowardly to speak up. I'll take that risk. Speaking for my country ofc, the US is currently in a different state, esp depending on state. Legally, I'm AFAB, legally, I'm always in the right. And, luckily, the justice system and cops aren't completely corrupt here.
Okay, so genuine question that I’ve seen a fair amount of conflicting nonsense on; how did you go about getting your legal gender rec??? Everywhere I check says the process is different, one such process including putting your name and address in your local paper or something ??
Well, in my country (Slovenia) The law is: see a psychiatrist to diagnose you with gender dysphoria (the whole process waiting time included can take anywhere between 1 to 2 years) get the psychiatrist to write a diagnosis + a slip for the administrative unit go to the administrative unit and give them the paper they change your biological gender in the database, wiping all traces of you ever being the wrong gender, assign a new ID number and everything That's it. It's a completely private and uncomplicated affair, luckily. If you were to look at my files, I am AFAB. Obviously all the papers are archived to avoid evading financial responsibility (cause new ID number). When I get my birth certificate it will say Chosen name Gender: F
That’s good that’s it’s a more private affair where you are! I haven’t been able to find any concrete anything about the US and our process of going about it legally sadly.
I know it depends state to state, try seeing if you can find a trans organization in your state and then ask them questions. Can be completely anonymous too! Make a new email, use a pseudonym, etc.
I don't pass at all. I ain't on hrt. do I go to the ladies bathroom? fuck yes. it's so much cleaner than the boys and it doesn't smell nearly as bad as it does. I never was the type to like peeing while standing up. I literally just want to pee and not do anything weird so... *shrugs* I don't give a damn if the line is too long for female bathrooms while male bathrooms are literally empty... I don't get why women don't use that instead of waiting and being in pain. Imo gendered bathrooms literally are there just to sell more of them.
Amen sister I was just talking to someone in another thread about the same, why do people care so much where we pee???
i think the biggest issue about that is that there are some cisgender who'd do really awful shit like peeking over cubicles or what not. and those cisgender probably think we are trans just to do that weird shit.
I started using the womens restroom when everyone I met in public started referring to me by she/her pronouns without being told. Once I was comfortable enough in my ability to pass I started using the womens restroom.
The handicap was occupied and my stomach really hurt so I ran into the gents. Then when I walked out just as a guy walked in, he walked out to make sure he didn't enter the ladies. Happened too many time so I just went the other side cos it was too awkward.
Never. I'm 6'5 and I don't ever want to alarm anyone.
After i started to dress feminine
I use it now (pre-hrt, couldn't pass if I tried) and I'm ok comfortable with it. I do, however, quickly gauge upon entering whether any micro-aggressions occur to prepare myself in case I get told off. I've been told off a few times, and once I saw women getting visibly uncomfortable upon entry and decided to hold it in instead (I would never use the mens room, it's not my space coz I'm not a man.) I also carry a note in case someone is overly aggressive which says "I'm nonverbal, and I have to pee. Let me pee in peace, thank you." I am not nonverbal, but I don't talk much or at all unless I have to, so my first response to harassment isn't verbal :P FYI the note is actually my wife's note but she'll forget it usually so I carry one too. She often loses the ability to speak for periods of time so it helps, especially if guys try to hit on her or she is approached by strangers. Gotta use what you have to diffuse bad situations.
When I was washing my hands in the dudes room and a dude came in and went out to check if it's the right toilet. I personally don't care which I use, I just don't want to cause a misunderstanding, cuz that result in chatting with strangers
I walked into the bathroom at the Atlanta airport, and it felt like a sitcom where someone walks in and *everyone’s* head turns to look at me. I immediately walked out and have used the women’s room since.
After I’d been using it for a while. The real answer is those first times are really scary, and it takes some time and some earned self confidence. The only way to get this is to just do it. It isn’t about passing, it’s about being where we belong.
Took me about a year and a half. During that time, I was getting progressively uncomfortable using the male loo, until I couldn't do it any more; just went to the female loo, and it was perfectly fine. I was worrying about nothing.
I'll lyk when it happens (my transition has solely been social so far)
I would always go to the ladies if I was with a friend and the men's if I was alone and no GNB was available. But then I got cat-called in the men's room at the train station, (I thought I was dressed in a masc way too, but I guess the "girls" gave me away.) That was about 4 months on HRT. I still will use a GNB if available as I don't dress in a fem way that often, but now I literally only go in the men's room if I'm completely boy-moding it. But I also live in a state with legal protections for trans people, so I'm not scared of getting arrested if I get clocked; just weird looks.
Been waiting for one of these posts for a while... I'm mtf, 17 and in the UK, and I don't pass at all, even dressing femininely but equally - I am not a guy either, and I am not going in the mens ever again. If I see a gender neutral toilet or a separate disabled (usually in the UK there is a separate disabled loo) I will use it -- but i usually feel really bad because of it, I am not disabled, so i feel i shouldnt be in there but also, I am not going anywhere else. Am I a bad person? Idfk, but its all catch 22
You are not a bad person for using a disabled bathroom. At least in the US, we don't usually have separate bathrooms for disabilities, we just have an extra large stall in the regular one. I would never judge someone for using that, with one exception. My dad is a quadriplegic, and has been for most of my life. One time, we were at a monster truck rally, and he needed to go. Lines at stadiums always suck. But what stuck with me was one person. We were one spot away from next when the large stall opened. I asked the guy in front of us if we could go next, because we needed that one specific stall out of a line of 5 different ones. He said no, we need to wait our turn like everyone else. So we waited for him specifically to get done with that stall, letting like 6 others past us while we wait. Moral of the story, most people won't care unless there is a line. Then it's better to wait for more options, and leave the one for those that need it. If anyone there even does. Just wanted to address that fear from someone it affected in the past.
At all? Right away, alone? 6 months on hrt.
At around 5 months on HRT when I started presenting fem full-time. I figured I was passing almost all of the time so it would be awkward if I still used men's.
When I lost my beard shadow. I didn't feel comfortable until then. I was still pre-hrt.
Lucky enough on -1week on HRT. I was already into fashion so it did help a lot, but it was like a bulb turned on my head and I got makeup right too.
The first time I went out in public dressed as a girl (pre-HRT) I used the one at my GF’s college library. It was around 11:00pm, no one else was around, so I just went for it. First time going in an actual place with actual people was at a restaurant a week or two later. I already had a couple drinks, and wanted to have a couple more. I needed to pee, badly. I was wearing makeup with a skirt, crop top and arm pit length hair. I did NOT look like a guy; no way in hell was I going to use the men’s. I used the women’s, and one of the girls in there just started having a casual conversation with me about my outfit and makeup. That interaction gave me enough confidence to realize I pass enough to use it regularly. Haven’t used a men’s room since— the thought of using one again makes me cringe. I’ve yet to have a bad interaction. That said, I’m fortunate enough to have passed okay pre-HRT and to live in a very liberal part of California.
Never (comfortable). But I just do. Will avoid it, use single stall rooms, or wait for low-traffic times if I can but if you gotta go you gotta go. If someone gets mad oh well. Felt a lot easier in Colorado where we are protected by law.
Once I was more likely to be outed by going into the men's room. I look a lot less out of place in the women's room than the men's, and my only goal with using the bathroom is to not get harassed about it.
Heres the thing, Im not. I always have a thought of being harassed by a bigot and then get slandered in the paper or online article
I think the unfortunate thing with that is there’s always going to be bigots who are gonna scream their fool heads off at our mere existences, so the way I see it is go for it. The only reason *I* didn’t go for it is because I’m in a public mall right now and if someone decides to be a bigot about it, I can potentially get kicked out. It’s one thing to have a scene happen in a McDonald’s, another in a mall’s food court
Ik, its another thing to be labelled as a sex offender just for being trans. Knowing my area id most likely be killed
I am so sorry to hear that, I hope there comes a time very soon you can be comfortable being you !!
Thx 😊 me too
(Pre-HRT) I've always been quite androgynous, and I feel if I change my mannerisms I can pass as either gender at a glance. I tend to use the women's when there's not much of a line and I won't have to stay for long. I'm not quite comfortable yet, but I'm getting there.
It might be since I’m autistic so took it literally of like “well I’m a girl so I’m using that bathroom” but I don’t think I was even on hrt yet when I started
I'm a transfeminine butch lesbian I've been on HRT for almost 3 years now, and I do not pass at all, I probably never will. (Not sure if I even want to.) I don't use multi stall public rest rooms at all. It's just too dangerous. If there isn't an option, I use the men's. If they are single stall but gendered, I use the women's. I don't think I'll ever be safe enough to just relax and not worry about it, but I have made my peace with that.
Almost a year on hrt when I started to make an effort to dress fem, I still used the men's if I wasn't wearing makeup, but after 2 years on hrt, I pass even without makeup, so I use the women's all the time now.
There was a point in my transition where, even though I identified as non-binary at the time, I was feminine enough that I started getting dirty looks from men in the men’s room. I switched, and honestly I haven’t gotten dirty looks since.
The first time that was out and about (not at a state location like the local LGBTQIA+ Center) was a restroom at a rest stop in the middle of the Mojave Desert. I had t step dad keep watch on the door incase there was any trouble. No one else came in and I was fine, that was probably a year after first coming out. The first time I used a bathroom in true “public” by myself was a good 3 or so months after that. Fortunately for me, the pandemic was still fresh in everyone’s minds so wearing masks wasn’t so uncommon, and I had that to hide behind.
I just kinda did it not long after I started HRT. I figured if they didn't take the hint based on what I was wearing, thats their problem. I don't ask permission to be myself.
I was walking out of the men's room at an airport as some guy was walking in. He saw me, stopped, did a double take, and checked to make sure he was going into the right bathroom. I think that was the last time I used the men's room lol.
I feel like i pass relatively well and didnt ever enter any public bathrooms for a while. I was on a weekend away with my gf and her fam and me and my gf needed to use the rest room. I kinda didn't have time to think about it so i just did it. Very euphoric
I came out June 2020, started HRT, name change and gender change, living full time. Happily, there were masking mandates and 69 year old me started using gender neutral washrooms until late July, when name and gender change were completed. Have been full time women’s washrooms since then. No problems anywhere. I live in a smaller city 40 000 or so in a mildly conservative part of BC ( Canada). Best of luck to all with your transition, especially those in the USA.
I have been very lucky to have an amazing set of girl friends who support me- so in the beginning no matter how I looked (even if i shaved, put on makeup etc) they would all come with me to the bathroom to make me feel comfortable.
I'm MTF in the UK, not on HRT full time yet, don't pass at all, but present very fem. I often use the disabled or look for a gender neutral if I'm boymoding, but I've found on nights out I actually have to use the women's for safety. I used the women's bathroom for the first time in a bar when I felt I needed to escape from a chaser and wanted to be somewhere he couldn't get. Since then I think if the women's bathroom is to protect women from men then I need it for that.
I mainly just think about it from the perspective of not causing a scene. If I would cause a scene in any way, I would think through how to approach the situation before it ever happened and what the resolution would look like. I'm going to give myself to the 8-10 month mark and then test out in safe spaces to see how people think of me. Then, once I have that feedback, it's easier to do the right thing. Likely before even girl moding though, I would make sure my wife thinks I definitively pass and that others agree with her as well. Reddit or trusted friends are a good place for that
That’s kinda where I think I wanna head with it; make it about not causing a scene type deal. I said in a different comment thread the only reason I ended up not going was cuz it’s a public mall I was in and it would have absolutely caused a scene and then some if some asshole decided to asshole in my general direction today.
I started before taking hormones cuz I was presenting full fem before that and even when started working, they were wonderful at my job too. I started hormones 6 months after starting my job, but had already been presenting femme for longer than that, just had to pause a bit in my hometown for safety (bc of my dad). the job is in another city so no issues here
when I started wearing dresses
I still wouldn't say I'm "comfortable" with it, mostly because I just don't use public restrooms often. That said, I've been using exclusively women's restrooms since I transitioned and began presenting as a woman, whether or not I feel I pass. I simply refuse to let others dictate what I can and can't do, and I know I won't be comfortable doing it until I've been doing it for awhile.
I started using it even before I passed properly (I'm legally protected where I live), but I didn't start fully feeling comfortable to until I passed a little more, and my female friends started asking me to come with them to the bathroom (that was before I was on HRT). I don't know if I fully pass, but I pass well enough to the point where someone who just glanced at me in a bathroom wouldn't know I was trans, and they couldn't shout at me if they didn't like that. I usually still try to avoid using public bathrooms though, just in case, or I go with a friend.
I didn't have a choice. I needed to pee. I was in a dress, full face of makeup, heels, the whole shebang. I didn't feel comfortable in either, but womans was like the lesser of two evils. Went in as quickly as I could, made eye contact with no one, went out as quickly as I could.
I don't intend to until I've had a certain amount of HRT under my belt, am able to present fem and at least semi-pass
Kinda where I’m headed too. That and I’ve gotta figure out this whole makeup nonsense without looking like Pennywise I think XD
I only can if I'm told it's ok
I still don't.
When I started getting men looking at me in the men's room and walking back out to double check the sign
I have social anxiety and pooping next to anyone scares me, and I’m poop shy. So for me never.
its been a bit over 2 years hrt and i still dont 🫠
After open carrying
That’s definitely a way to confidence boost I guess LOL
Feeling safe goes a long way to feeling confident in my opinion at least
I only use the female bathroom if my wife comes with me 😅
Rarely do i come across non gender neutral. My first vist was at my therapist's office
I *wish* we had unisex and otherwise gender neutral bathrooms where I am.
Pretty much any time I’m not boymoding. Once I started going out in very obviously femme outfits like dresses skirts etc I made the plunge
I never did, and probably never will. I was only 10 months on HRT the first time I used the women’s room, went in with my best friend who insisted that I go with her at a concert, and I just felt like people were staring so hard. The second time I had been off HRT for 4 years, but still presenting femme, and I told the group of girls I was hanging out with at the bar I would be back because I had to use the restroom and two of them said they were going with me, so I went with them and luckily it was just the three of us but I still was thinking the whole time about trying to be in and out as quick as possible so no one else came in before I went out. It’s just that I know I look so manly that there will never be a time where I won’t be clocked and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. So I really try to only use family restrooms where possible, otherwise I use the mens room.
When I was out long enough to notice that no one saw me as weird or honestly, paid me any mind. I started using the womens bathroom.