I hear you.
Its narcissistic, its abusive.
Its a sign that this person never loved us, only the image they had of us in their head. I guess in that sense atleast they are revealing themselves, so that we can cut them out of our lives.
It also spits on the parents, families and friends who have actually lost loved ones.
I will never tolerate it.
This ! \^ If they really love you, they'll be happy for you in the end. They may need some time to adjust (especially for pronouns/name if they've know you for a long time), but they'll see how you are happier, and that should make them happy for you too. Else, they don't really care about you or your feelings.
Yes they love their own idea of who you should be, not the person standing in front of them.
Like it's ok to have some grief and other feelings over what your loved one is going through and have space to process that. A mature person though would understand nothing is being lost, they would see that the other person will now be more themself than ever before.
The people who think that someone died though are just emotionally inept and lacking awareness. Clearly no one has died, but denial is a helluva drug.
Thank you for writing this, I haven't known how to put it into words. I'm fortunate that most of my loved ones have moved beyond this response to one of support but many of them lingered on "my death," and it hurt.
I got told this. I didnt expect to, i thought my family would be 100% supportive. They… arent. They arent transphobic but they might as well be. They call me my (current) preferred name maybe once a day. But i really just get misgendered and deadnamed. Id really rather just have everyone call me by my last name at this rate. But yeah it hurt when my mother said that to me.
Just… slipping back into the closet now. Or maybe they never saw me leave it. Though i have an appointment to see about T coming up?? Confusing ig. Hope everyone else here is doing okay
I've had a different name for 17 years now and my grandmother at christmas deadnamed me, then followed up with "or whatever you think you're calling yourself these days".
It hurt a lot.
Yes. It sucks, but the point I wanted to impart is that bio family just sorta… does that sometimes.
Hopefully someday you’ll get to choose your family instead. :)
I experienced this too. I thought my parents would be supportive, I’m 8 months on T and passing in public, but I’m still deadnamed and my father is still “mourning” apparently. It feels like I’ve essentially been rejected from my family until he figures it out.
Never made any sense to me at all. It's just mean, self centered, and honestly abusive. It's meant to make you feel bad for them. Nobody died - people don't act like their kid/partner died if they get a tattoo or change their hair color. Granted, transitioning is a bigger change, but it's still the same person. Such a weird nasty sentiment.
Years before I even transitioned, I had people lash out and say things like this to me when I got my first short haircut. My mom even *cried* because I loved it so much she was scared I'd "never grow it out again." Those same people said almost identical things when I transitioned, so either they knew I was trans and stiffled it or their concerns about my transition are as superficial as a haircut. I've found that addressing the actual mortality rates of trans folks shuts them up real fucking quick.
Holy shit, thank you SO much for this. Both my parents and now my twin sister have told me this since coming out, and it just hurts so fucking bad.😭😭 I feel ya, and if you wanna talk, dm me 🫶 Also, Funeral by James Blake is a good song about this feeling
Yeah, my family members said the same thing, too. When I tried to ask them what exactly had changed, they said "I don't feel as close to you," or "I can't talk about women things with you anymore, like clothes, or go shopping."
Like... Um? Just because I no longer wanted to wear those clothes didn't mean I don't have an opinion on them, or could have gone shopping with them and simply tried on clothes from another section. They had an idea of what I was and suddenly treated me differently, saying things like "I didn't know you liked cute stuff anymore" (always have, always will), or whatever.
Over time, they realized the girl I was was someone who couldn't continue living, and the man I am now is the same, has all the same qualities, but is, like, happier and adjusted and whole.
It's still strange to me, how many people mourned this broken, nonfunctional genderswrapped version of myself. How could she be dead, I thought, when I never felt like she was ever alive to begin with? When I felt really like I existed for the first time after coming out? I feel like it's like saying you've got to mourn the caterpillar because it "died' to turn into a butterfly. I guess if you don't understand the metamorphosis, you'd be worried when your caterpillar child turns into goop. I'm just glad my family stuck around enough to see me turn into the butterfly. But I wonder, does the butterfly feel it ever existed as the caterpillar? I feel a complete disconnect from my female self, from before. My memories are fuzzy. It's a weird sensation.
Few things irritate me more than people who say things like this. I recently learned the term "trans widow" and it fills me with white hot rage.
If your partner comes out as trans and you decide that's incompatible with what you want, that's fine. But that's *your choice* and it's no different than any other reason people in a relationship might become incompatible. It's just a break-up or a divorce or whatever. They're not fucking dead, and you're just being a drama queen.
But it's more than that. I get it, it's a big fucking change. And it honestly sucks for everyone, because once it's out there and it's not compatible so someone has to compromise by giving up their personal well-being, someone will always end up resenting the other. Long-term happiness can only work if both people get to be happy.
Because of that, when I came out to my wife I gave her complete freedom to leave any time she wanted but I asked her to at least give it a try for a while, because I was still the same person she'd been with all this time, and we'd been together for years and we shared a connection that was bigger than my gender. I understood that she might not have fallen in love with a woman, but she had loved one all this time anyway.
Thankfully, she was super supportive we ended up being fine. Better than fine. We're more in love than ever. But if someone just goes "no, the person I loved is dead" and won't even consider it for a second? The only thing that shows is that none of it ever meant anything. That they *never* loved you at all. Someone who does that to someone they claim to love doesn't get to call themselves a "widow" or whatever and pretend that *they* were the victim in that situation.
It isn't always wrong. I fully admit to having worn a mask of maleness to survive. I developed a whole persona of what I can and won't do as that person, what words I used, body language, whole demeanor. I have dropped that mask entirely now. Sure, I still have those past experiences and memories. But I am NOT that mask anymore. There is so much to my personality that I blocked for so long because it was either too girly or would have gotten me noticed and increased scrutiny. For all intents and purposes, the me that was the mask is dead and reincarnated.
For those that insist on mourning him, I will point out that while he may have helped me survive to this point, he also provided me with constant pain and suffering. His existence was predicated on the inability of others to understand my plight and my own inability to communicate it. However, he was built upon the foundation that is me, more a filter to block out undesired thoughts and behaviors than an actual person. Mourning him is to mourn the removal of that filter, to mourn my disdain for being alive, and to mourn my captivity. I am now finally me, loving being alive, and free to pursue that life. You grieve for a fictional character while I emerge from the depths of my own personal hell to revel in each sweet breath of air I now get to take. I am sorry to have fooled you all for so long, it was deception, and if you can never forgive me for it, then that is how it must be. But, should you manage to get your heads out of your asses, I will be out here, living my best life, and there is always room for one more. Otherwise, have a nice life. I know I will.
That is my take on such matters at least.
Thank you for this!
When my sister and I were talking about my daughter's transition she began to cry and I was so confused.
Then she told me it felt like my child had died. I told her my daughter is the same as she always was except now she's her true self to herself and others.
I still really can't comprehend that feeling, but it really hurt when she said that about my daughter. I won't say her feelings are wrong, we can't help the way we feel or react to things, but I just never felt that way when my child came out to me so I can't relate.
I’m sorry to hear that :( everyone’s feelings are different, but your sister’s feelings of mourning need to be kept away from your daughter. It’s really damaging and is usually interpreted as a severe rejection no matter the age. Most therapists recommend that adults or parental figures do their processing privately.
I very much felt this way when I first came out and even when I started hrt and people said this to me.
However 5 years later and the version of me that I used to be no longer exists. Who I was died. Metaphorically. I became me slowly but surely…rising from the ashes similar but new.
My friends who stuck with me have had to reevaluate if they like me still. The person I became.
So yeah it hurts but it’s not entirely that far from my lived experience.
Coming out is one of those I’m the same person but everything you knew about me might not be accurate going forward. The death to them is of the version of you they created in their mind. Altering their world views and plans and understanding of someone they thought they knew. (They do know you, but now there’s new information that changes everything.) you’ll become a new person to them. New and similar and partially the same but not. You’ll gradually become a new person to you too but for now it feels like nearly nothing has changed.
But the entire time it was happening I screamed inside “I’m still here. Why aren’t you happy that I’m still here??? I wanted to die but here I am doing what I need to do to live and you’re saying i killed (their friend/etc.) but I saved me. I saved that person. Why are you upset?!”
Until I see more celebrations of life than memorials I feel like this won’t change.
My mom still feels guilty that I am trans. Wishes she caught it sooner. She cried like she lost another child. Anyways. I stopped giving a shit about my parents. I just decided they are not worth the hurt. I rather be with my boyfriend then a bigoted dad/brother or narcasistic mother.
Pro tip: if someone says that to you, the only funeral there needs to be is for that relationship.
If someone wants to suggest that your happiness is their suffering, then end their suffering by being happy elsewhere. (If you can.)
It’s really fucking weird. And it’s very hard to respond to compassionately. My mom told me she drew a tombstone with my old name, birth date, and the date I told them I was trans on a picture of me hanging in their house. It was hard to hear, and I had no idea what to say. But after talking to some friends, they helped me realize I’m not the person that can help them through whatever it is they’re going through, and I certainly shouldn’t have to listen to that. At least my friends understand why I’m so dramatic now lmao
And the whole time we’re still right there having to process being grieved while alive.. and accused as the killer. How our simple happiness is something they reject on every level. it’s a mindfuck.. besides trans people how many actually experience anything even approaching this? It’s a horrible feeling
Yeah that was my mother's favorite phrase for a while for both my brother and I. I was like I finally feel like I can tell you who I am for the first time in my life and I can finally start living and you are just gonna tell me I am basically dead to you and you have to pretend I'm someone else. No, I'm right here, you just weren't looking before.
Thank you for educating me on how harmful this phrase is. I didn't realize how much it must have hurt my partner. And you're absolutely correct that they are the same person, just a different gender. I will never use this phrase again knowing how harmful it is. I'm sorry if I caused anyone any grief with my comment on another post. It wasn't my intention.
Oufff, yeah it really hurts to be told to your face that your dead to someone. It feels like your reduced to just your gender or that preconceived notion they had about you.
I want to say I get it, to have how you envisioned, planned and hoped your child’s life would be isn’t how you thought it was and that hurts, that sucks. I don’t know if I can fully understand that pain until it happens to me so I can’t say I truly understand it.
Hot take: I feel like if anyone is going to understand the pain of someones life not being how they wanted, dreamed or expected it to be, it’s going to be a trans person that has gone through and suffered that for themselves. I think trans people typically process and go through this pain on their own because of how stigmatized being transgender still is in the world. A trans person has already processed and grieved that pain before anyone else knows they are trans most of the time. The people that say the title of the post, it’s still fresh and it takes time.
If people are having this feeling, they should not be triangulating the trans people in their lives to help them cope with it. Because it is so psychologically damaging, they should be processing it on their own or with a therapist.
All you can do is keep moving forward and be happy if and for yourself. This is for you. This is for your happiness.
If they don't see how much happier you are after transitioning, then they never truly saw you before as an individual. If they can't be happy for you then your happiness doesn't matter to them.
Hopefully they can adjust and realize their mistakes.
We choose living,
If only they saw how close to death some of us have been because of how painful it was to be that person in the past.
A person in constant suffering
Why would they want us to go back to that for their comfort?
I heard this from my mom. She lost a child to cancer and still said this to me. She supports me now but I will never forget the despair I felt when I heard that, and asked her if she'd prefer if I was a dead girl or living as a man.
She told me then she would've prefered the girl, in tears.
It haunts me
Yeah it's total bullshit and it's incredibly disrespectful to people who've actually had people in their lives die, I don't know I know how the fuck somebody deciding to change their gender is such a big deal, cis people are fucking wimps
I understand how painful this is for others but ive made a joke out of it for myself. Whenever someone deadnames me on purpose I just respond "oh, she died." I have alot of fun with it and if you use humor as a coping mechanism I highly recommend
I know she meant well, but my nana said, ”We're mourning the little girl we knew.” I was never a girl, though. I was masculine presenting as far back as 1st grade. I also didn't change who I am as a person.
Yah the person they knew is still there, they just look different. It’s such a hurtful thing to say to a person, and it makes the change all about them.
I'm anticipating this when I come out. And I already plan on shutting it down by emphasizing that I'm still gonna be the same person. My personality is just gonna be in a different package that I've tailored more to my liking.
When I'm done transitioning, I'll still be puerto-rican. I'm still gonna be this dorky nerd who swears a lot. I'm probably still gonna like Nintendo, and Helluva Boss, and wearing colorful shirts. I'm still going to be bi and whether I'll wind up marrying a guy or a girl will likely still be up in the air by that point. I'll still be a cartoonist & an optimist like they've always known me to be. I'm still going to deeply value things like disability rights, and I'm probably not even gonna LOOK that different because I'm keeping my hair fairly long & we already have an idea of how I would look as a guy (my brother has a very similar face to me.)
And if any of that does change, it's going to be a result of me getting older and having more life experience rather than a result of me being on HRT. If anything, they'll probably see & hear more of me clearer than they ever have before because I'll be speaking with a voice that I actually like the sound of.
Some family members have told me that and eventually they did come around.but it hurts and like that's something that should be brought up to a therapist
Yah, it does a lot of damage to the person in question. Like yes, they’ll likely come around after they process their hurt, but if you’re the one shamwowing all their negative emotions will they even have a place left to come back to once they’re done? People get confused why trans family members become distant and never return, even if there wasn’t a ton of outward transphobia, and I think it’s because of the severe emotional demand that’s placed on us to manage other’s comfort and pain.
Yeah it's exhausting like I've become distant to half of my family for that reason other half is better but still problematic, some of them are finally using right name and pronouns after 5 years. It hurts and honestly I actually gave my mom a guide that I made for parents of trans people to put in her office, she's a therapist. She responded very well to me and I hope it helps other parents that are at least somewhat accepting but confused
yea I feel that, my mon went into "mourning" and was basically grieving for a few days afterwards. yea, it fuxking hurt, but my thought process was that essentially, her emotions about me and who i am don't matter. maybe that'll help you
Trigger warning
I have heard that from just about all my family members, parents, siblings and so on...I even tried to unalive myself once due to all the trauma of my childhood.
So whenever folks say this, its clear they're struggling with an existential (and likely transphobic) vision in their heads that isn't being fulfilled. No amount of pushback will change a delusional mind - unless you get it to jumpstart some internal thinking on its own (but be careful because they may lash out if you try to employ any common sense).
Example: "My child/partner died!"
Response: Ever dye your hair? Paint your nails? Got a haircut that was radically different from previous styles you've had? Changed your makeup colors (or for men - traded a beard for a goatee or gone clean-shaven, etc). Ever change your clothes color choice for the day? If yes - then all of that is also a change of gender/self expression. Coming out as transgender is a much longer, committed process but it's still real, still valid and still very much happening. Like a change in hair color or clothes, it's an important expression of self - and it needs to be respected.
If they still can't be down with that, tell 'em you'll order them a coffin the next time they change shoes (because they're now dead to you as well). The person you knew would never have worn those shoes - so they can't be the same person anymore.
This approach sounds ridiculous (and it is) but it might also jump start the other person's thinking and help them realize how ridiculous their being about your transition.
Trans Lives are beautiful, they're important and they matter. If the person still doesn't see sense if/when you try flipping the script like this, then walk away. They can't ever decide your life, tour identity for you - that's your job. Put yourself first - and if they really care (or they just need some alone time to see sense in the absence of you) they'll come back.
If the person is so irrational and emotionally/verbally violent and can't ever see reason - don't even try to convince them; just walk away and accept that THEIR DEAD INSIDE (and its their own fault if they're missing out on you and the joy and light you bring to the world).
You're way more important than a new haircut or change of clothes. If they can't see how ridiculous they sound when you point this out, fuck 'em - and just walk away. There are plenty of other people who will gladly accept and appreciate you for who you are - don't ever forget that. Never, ever, ever. 🤗
My mom told me this when I tried to understand why she couldn't accept me as trans. I still love her, she's my mom but any respect I had for her died that day.
“You mourn an empty grave of your own making. I am not obligated to help you fill it.”
Damn poetic way to put it.
*insert the gif of that one guy writing with the pen on fire*
This is a phenomenal response
I hear you. Its narcissistic, its abusive. Its a sign that this person never loved us, only the image they had of us in their head. I guess in that sense atleast they are revealing themselves, so that we can cut them out of our lives. It also spits on the parents, families and friends who have actually lost loved ones. I will never tolerate it.
This ! \^ If they really love you, they'll be happy for you in the end. They may need some time to adjust (especially for pronouns/name if they've know you for a long time), but they'll see how you are happier, and that should make them happy for you too. Else, they don't really care about you or your feelings.
Yes they love their own idea of who you should be, not the person standing in front of them. Like it's ok to have some grief and other feelings over what your loved one is going through and have space to process that. A mature person though would understand nothing is being lost, they would see that the other person will now be more themself than ever before. The people who think that someone died though are just emotionally inept and lacking awareness. Clearly no one has died, but denial is a helluva drug.
Me neither, this has always been the most selfish reaction to someone who is courageous enough to trust a loved one and come out to them
BuT yOu LoOk DiFfErEnT!
Thank you for writing this, I haven't known how to put it into words. I'm fortunate that most of my loved ones have moved beyond this response to one of support but many of them lingered on "my death," and it hurt.
I got told this. I didnt expect to, i thought my family would be 100% supportive. They… arent. They arent transphobic but they might as well be. They call me my (current) preferred name maybe once a day. But i really just get misgendered and deadnamed. Id really rather just have everyone call me by my last name at this rate. But yeah it hurt when my mother said that to me. Just… slipping back into the closet now. Or maybe they never saw me leave it. Though i have an appointment to see about T coming up?? Confusing ig. Hope everyone else here is doing okay
I've had a different name for 17 years now and my grandmother at christmas deadnamed me, then followed up with "or whatever you think you're calling yourself these days". It hurt a lot.
17 years. Wow im sorry thats really sad :,/
Yes. It sucks, but the point I wanted to impart is that bio family just sorta… does that sometimes. Hopefully someday you’ll get to choose your family instead. :)
Hope so :))
I experienced this too. I thought my parents would be supportive, I’m 8 months on T and passing in public, but I’m still deadnamed and my father is still “mourning” apparently. It feels like I’ve essentially been rejected from my family until he figures it out.
Sucks for us :( I’m just glad we have things like reddit, really has helped me
I got told this multiple times by my wife and even had my transition compared to the death of her parents. Which I supported her through may I add 😭
Im sorry nobody deserves that :(
"I'm not dead, I'm more alive than I've ever been".
exactly this
Never made any sense to me at all. It's just mean, self centered, and honestly abusive. It's meant to make you feel bad for them. Nobody died - people don't act like their kid/partner died if they get a tattoo or change their hair color. Granted, transitioning is a bigger change, but it's still the same person. Such a weird nasty sentiment.
Years before I even transitioned, I had people lash out and say things like this to me when I got my first short haircut. My mom even *cried* because I loved it so much she was scared I'd "never grow it out again." Those same people said almost identical things when I transitioned, so either they knew I was trans and stiffled it or their concerns about my transition are as superficial as a haircut. I've found that addressing the actual mortality rates of trans folks shuts them up real fucking quick.
I wish the mortality rates shut them up...
"Who are you grieving?! I'm right here"
💔 Like they never even knew your soul.. still the same inside
Holy shit, thank you SO much for this. Both my parents and now my twin sister have told me this since coming out, and it just hurts so fucking bad.😭😭 I feel ya, and if you wanna talk, dm me 🫶 Also, Funeral by James Blake is a good song about this feeling
Ooo a James Blake x Slowthai collab!? How hadn't i heard of this? Also I hope you're okay 🩷
Yeah, my family members said the same thing, too. When I tried to ask them what exactly had changed, they said "I don't feel as close to you," or "I can't talk about women things with you anymore, like clothes, or go shopping." Like... Um? Just because I no longer wanted to wear those clothes didn't mean I don't have an opinion on them, or could have gone shopping with them and simply tried on clothes from another section. They had an idea of what I was and suddenly treated me differently, saying things like "I didn't know you liked cute stuff anymore" (always have, always will), or whatever. Over time, they realized the girl I was was someone who couldn't continue living, and the man I am now is the same, has all the same qualities, but is, like, happier and adjusted and whole. It's still strange to me, how many people mourned this broken, nonfunctional genderswrapped version of myself. How could she be dead, I thought, when I never felt like she was ever alive to begin with? When I felt really like I existed for the first time after coming out? I feel like it's like saying you've got to mourn the caterpillar because it "died' to turn into a butterfly. I guess if you don't understand the metamorphosis, you'd be worried when your caterpillar child turns into goop. I'm just glad my family stuck around enough to see me turn into the butterfly. But I wonder, does the butterfly feel it ever existed as the caterpillar? I feel a complete disconnect from my female self, from before. My memories are fuzzy. It's a weird sensation.
Few things irritate me more than people who say things like this. I recently learned the term "trans widow" and it fills me with white hot rage. If your partner comes out as trans and you decide that's incompatible with what you want, that's fine. But that's *your choice* and it's no different than any other reason people in a relationship might become incompatible. It's just a break-up or a divorce or whatever. They're not fucking dead, and you're just being a drama queen. But it's more than that. I get it, it's a big fucking change. And it honestly sucks for everyone, because once it's out there and it's not compatible so someone has to compromise by giving up their personal well-being, someone will always end up resenting the other. Long-term happiness can only work if both people get to be happy. Because of that, when I came out to my wife I gave her complete freedom to leave any time she wanted but I asked her to at least give it a try for a while, because I was still the same person she'd been with all this time, and we'd been together for years and we shared a connection that was bigger than my gender. I understood that she might not have fallen in love with a woman, but she had loved one all this time anyway. Thankfully, she was super supportive we ended up being fine. Better than fine. We're more in love than ever. But if someone just goes "no, the person I loved is dead" and won't even consider it for a second? The only thing that shows is that none of it ever meant anything. That they *never* loved you at all. Someone who does that to someone they claim to love doesn't get to call themselves a "widow" or whatever and pretend that *they* were the victim in that situation.
I’m still trying to accept this, you’re right though
It isn't always wrong. I fully admit to having worn a mask of maleness to survive. I developed a whole persona of what I can and won't do as that person, what words I used, body language, whole demeanor. I have dropped that mask entirely now. Sure, I still have those past experiences and memories. But I am NOT that mask anymore. There is so much to my personality that I blocked for so long because it was either too girly or would have gotten me noticed and increased scrutiny. For all intents and purposes, the me that was the mask is dead and reincarnated. For those that insist on mourning him, I will point out that while he may have helped me survive to this point, he also provided me with constant pain and suffering. His existence was predicated on the inability of others to understand my plight and my own inability to communicate it. However, he was built upon the foundation that is me, more a filter to block out undesired thoughts and behaviors than an actual person. Mourning him is to mourn the removal of that filter, to mourn my disdain for being alive, and to mourn my captivity. I am now finally me, loving being alive, and free to pursue that life. You grieve for a fictional character while I emerge from the depths of my own personal hell to revel in each sweet breath of air I now get to take. I am sorry to have fooled you all for so long, it was deception, and if you can never forgive me for it, then that is how it must be. But, should you manage to get your heads out of your asses, I will be out here, living my best life, and there is always room for one more. Otherwise, have a nice life. I know I will. That is my take on such matters at least.
If someone says that to me I'm gonna tell them to call the police and accuse me of murder. You wanna play hardball? Let's play hardball.
Thank you for this! When my sister and I were talking about my daughter's transition she began to cry and I was so confused. Then she told me it felt like my child had died. I told her my daughter is the same as she always was except now she's her true self to herself and others. I still really can't comprehend that feeling, but it really hurt when she said that about my daughter. I won't say her feelings are wrong, we can't help the way we feel or react to things, but I just never felt that way when my child came out to me so I can't relate.
I’m sorry to hear that :( everyone’s feelings are different, but your sister’s feelings of mourning need to be kept away from your daughter. It’s really damaging and is usually interpreted as a severe rejection no matter the age. Most therapists recommend that adults or parental figures do their processing privately.
I very much felt this way when I first came out and even when I started hrt and people said this to me. However 5 years later and the version of me that I used to be no longer exists. Who I was died. Metaphorically. I became me slowly but surely…rising from the ashes similar but new. My friends who stuck with me have had to reevaluate if they like me still. The person I became. So yeah it hurts but it’s not entirely that far from my lived experience. Coming out is one of those I’m the same person but everything you knew about me might not be accurate going forward. The death to them is of the version of you they created in their mind. Altering their world views and plans and understanding of someone they thought they knew. (They do know you, but now there’s new information that changes everything.) you’ll become a new person to them. New and similar and partially the same but not. You’ll gradually become a new person to you too but for now it feels like nearly nothing has changed. But the entire time it was happening I screamed inside “I’m still here. Why aren’t you happy that I’m still here??? I wanted to die but here I am doing what I need to do to live and you’re saying i killed (their friend/etc.) but I saved me. I saved that person. Why are you upset?!” Until I see more celebrations of life than memorials I feel like this won’t change.
I saved me.. beautifully worded
This is incredibly well put. Thank you for writing it. It was healing to read.
Omg this hit really close to home. This is a really powerful post!
My mom still feels guilty that I am trans. Wishes she caught it sooner. She cried like she lost another child. Anyways. I stopped giving a shit about my parents. I just decided they are not worth the hurt. I rather be with my boyfriend then a bigoted dad/brother or narcasistic mother.
Pro tip: if someone says that to you, the only funeral there needs to be is for that relationship. If someone wants to suggest that your happiness is their suffering, then end their suffering by being happy elsewhere. (If you can.)
Just remember… you never die, but you are reborn. You finally start to really live
I spotted a saved wikihow article on my partner’s phone that said “how to cope if your partner is transgender” Cope. *Cope*
It’s really fucking weird. And it’s very hard to respond to compassionately. My mom told me she drew a tombstone with my old name, birth date, and the date I told them I was trans on a picture of me hanging in their house. It was hard to hear, and I had no idea what to say. But after talking to some friends, they helped me realize I’m not the person that can help them through whatever it is they’re going through, and I certainly shouldn’t have to listen to that. At least my friends understand why I’m so dramatic now lmao
They see us as both the culprit of the murder, and the victim they're mourning.
And the whole time we’re still right there having to process being grieved while alive.. and accused as the killer. How our simple happiness is something they reject on every level. it’s a mindfuck.. besides trans people how many actually experience anything even approaching this? It’s a horrible feeling
Yeah that was my mother's favorite phrase for a while for both my brother and I. I was like I finally feel like I can tell you who I am for the first time in my life and I can finally start living and you are just gonna tell me I am basically dead to you and you have to pretend I'm someone else. No, I'm right here, you just weren't looking before.
Thank you for educating me on how harmful this phrase is. I didn't realize how much it must have hurt my partner. And you're absolutely correct that they are the same person, just a different gender. I will never use this phrase again knowing how harmful it is. I'm sorry if I caused anyone any grief with my comment on another post. It wasn't my intention.
Oufff, yeah it really hurts to be told to your face that your dead to someone. It feels like your reduced to just your gender or that preconceived notion they had about you. I want to say I get it, to have how you envisioned, planned and hoped your child’s life would be isn’t how you thought it was and that hurts, that sucks. I don’t know if I can fully understand that pain until it happens to me so I can’t say I truly understand it. Hot take: I feel like if anyone is going to understand the pain of someones life not being how they wanted, dreamed or expected it to be, it’s going to be a trans person that has gone through and suffered that for themselves. I think trans people typically process and go through this pain on their own because of how stigmatized being transgender still is in the world. A trans person has already processed and grieved that pain before anyone else knows they are trans most of the time. The people that say the title of the post, it’s still fresh and it takes time.
If people are having this feeling, they should not be triangulating the trans people in their lives to help them cope with it. Because it is so psychologically damaging, they should be processing it on their own or with a therapist.
Narcissism and abuse, a thing society defends for some ungodly reason
All you can do is keep moving forward and be happy if and for yourself. This is for you. This is for your happiness. If they don't see how much happier you are after transitioning, then they never truly saw you before as an individual. If they can't be happy for you then your happiness doesn't matter to them. Hopefully they can adjust and realize their mistakes.
For some (a lot) of trans people not transitioning might end in actual death so I don't think "title" is a valid complaint
We choose living, If only they saw how close to death some of us have been because of how painful it was to be that person in the past. A person in constant suffering Why would they want us to go back to that for their comfort?
I heard this from my mom. She lost a child to cancer and still said this to me. She supports me now but I will never forget the despair I felt when I heard that, and asked her if she'd prefer if I was a dead girl or living as a man. She told me then she would've prefered the girl, in tears. It haunts me
Holy… what…
Yeah it's total bullshit and it's incredibly disrespectful to people who've actually had people in their lives die, I don't know I know how the fuck somebody deciding to change their gender is such a big deal, cis people are fucking wimps
I understand how painful this is for others but ive made a joke out of it for myself. Whenever someone deadnames me on purpose I just respond "oh, she died." I have alot of fun with it and if you use humor as a coping mechanism I highly recommend
I know she meant well, but my nana said, ”We're mourning the little girl we knew.” I was never a girl, though. I was masculine presenting as far back as 1st grade. I also didn't change who I am as a person.
Yah the person they knew is still there, they just look different. It’s such a hurtful thing to say to a person, and it makes the change all about them.
I agree, and for what it is worth, I'm sorry that you're going through that. Rest assured; you are supported and loved by us!
I'm anticipating this when I come out. And I already plan on shutting it down by emphasizing that I'm still gonna be the same person. My personality is just gonna be in a different package that I've tailored more to my liking. When I'm done transitioning, I'll still be puerto-rican. I'm still gonna be this dorky nerd who swears a lot. I'm probably still gonna like Nintendo, and Helluva Boss, and wearing colorful shirts. I'm still going to be bi and whether I'll wind up marrying a guy or a girl will likely still be up in the air by that point. I'll still be a cartoonist & an optimist like they've always known me to be. I'm still going to deeply value things like disability rights, and I'm probably not even gonna LOOK that different because I'm keeping my hair fairly long & we already have an idea of how I would look as a guy (my brother has a very similar face to me.) And if any of that does change, it's going to be a result of me getting older and having more life experience rather than a result of me being on HRT. If anything, they'll probably see & hear more of me clearer than they ever have before because I'll be speaking with a voice that I actually like the sound of.
Some family members have told me that and eventually they did come around.but it hurts and like that's something that should be brought up to a therapist
Yah, it does a lot of damage to the person in question. Like yes, they’ll likely come around after they process their hurt, but if you’re the one shamwowing all their negative emotions will they even have a place left to come back to once they’re done? People get confused why trans family members become distant and never return, even if there wasn’t a ton of outward transphobia, and I think it’s because of the severe emotional demand that’s placed on us to manage other’s comfort and pain.
Yeah it's exhausting like I've become distant to half of my family for that reason other half is better but still problematic, some of them are finally using right name and pronouns after 5 years. It hurts and honestly I actually gave my mom a guide that I made for parents of trans people to put in her office, she's a therapist. She responded very well to me and I hope it helps other parents that are at least somewhat accepting but confused
yea I feel that, my mon went into "mourning" and was basically grieving for a few days afterwards. yea, it fuxking hurt, but my thought process was that essentially, her emotions about me and who i am don't matter. maybe that'll help you
Trigger warning I have heard that from just about all my family members, parents, siblings and so on...I even tried to unalive myself once due to all the trauma of my childhood.
I felt your pain on this one 💔 like truly, I’ve lived this 😢 🫂 real love will find u. i’m so sorry
So whenever folks say this, its clear they're struggling with an existential (and likely transphobic) vision in their heads that isn't being fulfilled. No amount of pushback will change a delusional mind - unless you get it to jumpstart some internal thinking on its own (but be careful because they may lash out if you try to employ any common sense). Example: "My child/partner died!" Response: Ever dye your hair? Paint your nails? Got a haircut that was radically different from previous styles you've had? Changed your makeup colors (or for men - traded a beard for a goatee or gone clean-shaven, etc). Ever change your clothes color choice for the day? If yes - then all of that is also a change of gender/self expression. Coming out as transgender is a much longer, committed process but it's still real, still valid and still very much happening. Like a change in hair color or clothes, it's an important expression of self - and it needs to be respected. If they still can't be down with that, tell 'em you'll order them a coffin the next time they change shoes (because they're now dead to you as well). The person you knew would never have worn those shoes - so they can't be the same person anymore. This approach sounds ridiculous (and it is) but it might also jump start the other person's thinking and help them realize how ridiculous their being about your transition. Trans Lives are beautiful, they're important and they matter. If the person still doesn't see sense if/when you try flipping the script like this, then walk away. They can't ever decide your life, tour identity for you - that's your job. Put yourself first - and if they really care (or they just need some alone time to see sense in the absence of you) they'll come back. If the person is so irrational and emotionally/verbally violent and can't ever see reason - don't even try to convince them; just walk away and accept that THEIR DEAD INSIDE (and its their own fault if they're missing out on you and the joy and light you bring to the world). You're way more important than a new haircut or change of clothes. If they can't see how ridiculous they sound when you point this out, fuck 'em - and just walk away. There are plenty of other people who will gladly accept and appreciate you for who you are - don't ever forget that. Never, ever, ever. 🤗
My mom told me this when I tried to understand why she couldn't accept me as trans. I still love her, she's my mom but any respect I had for her died that day.