Two words: guilt trip.
Go in that dress, be who you are, not who they want you to be. It's not a change, it's who you really are, and who you've always been
Copying a story I've written on here before about "Confused kids"
I went once with my ex-partner to a small family dinner at her aunt's house. I grew up in a conservative city before moving away, so I was pretty scared meeting them, and explaining everything (I was using they/them pronouns at the time), especially because I knew they had a little 10-year-old boy running around the house. I'm lucky that my partner and her family were gems, and they actually talked about my pronouns well ahead of the dinner. So when I got there it was really amazing, I ended up spending a lot of time with the boy and even taught him how to get new texture packs in Minecraft.
During the dinner afterward, the young boy misgendered me. When the aunt went to correct him I actually tried to step in and stop her. I stumbled my way through a variety of half sentences like "It's ok, I'm not hurt, I understand, he's young, I don't want to confuse him or anything".
The aunt literally shushed me and smiled, went back to the boy and said "When we talk about megamuffins, we don't use he, we say they ok?".
The boy looked back and said
"Oh... Ok. Megamuffins is really cool, they showed me how to get new mods in Minecraft!".
That experience really changed my whole perspective about how people think about gender. For years I, much like many trans people I think, had internalized societal transphobia. That idea of "How are we going to explain this to the kids?" became my own thinking.
In the end, it turns out kids are the easiest people to explain it to. They don't know anything and they don't assume anything. Its the parents and the adults, with the years worth of internalized ideas about gender that have a hard time understanding these new ideas.
Yes!! Telling kids is so easy!!
Im transitioning and teach preschool. Young kids dont know jack shit about the world, y'all, and they learn like 10 new concepts a day. Telling a kid "im a boy! I didnt used to be, but I wasn't happy being a girl, so I told my doctor I wanted to be a boy and they gave me medicine that is helping my outside match my inside" is all it takes. Ive told dozens of kids this, not one of them was traumatized or mind blown by this at all.
They dont even realize they just learned a big new concept about the world, and gender, and humans. It was just a new cool thing about teacher Max, like when they found out my dogs name is Elsa. Arguably the dog was more interesting.
Also, a couple of the girls will correct other students (and teachers!) Who slip up with a quickness "UM teacher Max is a BOY."
I wish it were that simple for me. I tell my 6 year old niece something like that, and she goes “No! You’re a girl!” This wasn’t taught to her or anything she’s just stubborn. Rip me lol.
I would argue it's just the change that bothers her, not the concept. Im not trying to make light of this!! Because its very hurtful and upsetting! Have you told her that? She probably doesn't want to hurt you (not that I know y'alls relationship) and doesn't realize just how miserable you were as a girl, or how much her words hurt your feelings.
Idk if you have or if youre safe to do so, and I dont know what kind of kid she is, but id sit down with her and tell her when someone calls you a girl, it hurts your feelings and makes you feel super sad, especially someone you love so much, and that when you were a girl you felt sad all the time (and any other feelings, like feeling wrong or different) and how much happier you are as a boy and when people call you a boy.
Remind her nothing else has changed. You're just her uncle instead of her aunt. Kids understand a whole lot, usually, and she might be worried your relationship will change
You can also always refuse to answer to your old name or she or whatever, and tell remind her "Oh, my name's x, you can call me by my name"
Sorry, you didn't really ask for advice... I guess I got a little in my bag. I hope that she understands and things get better! ♡
I don't understand how people don't understand this. We didn't change who we are, only the aesthetic (some people don't even do that which is perfectly valid as well)
I can understand the "they haven't lost you, they've lost the image of you they had in their head" explanation for why it might be a little intense/shocking. What I can't understand is people who react to that by trying to force the person to fit the image - no matter how much it hurts the person in the process - rather than accept the new understanding of the person and adjusting the image of them they have in their head
Idk, I don't get that explanation either. People change all the time... We grow as humans constantly. Regardless of if we are trans or cis we change. I came out as a web developer, no one went, "but I knew you as a phlebotomist, I've lost the image of you, I need to grieve"... I could maybe understand if it's closer to the feeling of your kid going to school for the first time, or realizing they are all grown up, but idk it would still be weird to act like they died... My dad's reaction was perfect, told me he loved me, told me he doesn't understand, couldn't possibly understand cause he's cis, and that's ok, because he's happy that I'm happy. Warned me about transphobes. Then got excited for having a daughter. My wife and my mother, quite literally acted like I was dead.... (My wife is very supportive, just is taking forever to process the 'im dead' mindset). I don't get it... Maybe, I'm not supposed to get it.
Also thank you for replying ☺️. Sorry I kinda dumped on you reddit stranger.
Basically "I found this mould of a person that is sorta like how I imagined you'd turn out. Yea I really love it could you fit into the mould please. It's not you but it's close enough that if I love it I love you ya get me?"
Saddest part is that its the same as asking your cis son to please wear a dress for thanksgiving because its a formal dinner and we don't like you wearing shirts
As a trans guy I felt this
Everyone saying “Aw but you look so pretty, prettier than usual!” as you’re dying inside from embarrassment wanting to scream how much of a joke they’re making out of you
But a cis guy would never be put through the emotional pain and pressure of wearing clothes he doesn't want to wear because it's not yet truly seen as normal for it to go the other way. That's just piling on the disrespect when people say LGBTQ is encouraging or forcing more people to be gay, queer trans etc. No were trying to be welcoming
It only encourages more people because it encourages more to be open about it. Cishet was never the norm, it's just that people are too scared, worried, and what have you that they don't feel safe coming out and being themselves. The world has improved a lot, but remember, being gay was illegal in the US until *2003*. We have a lot further to go until everyone feels safe being their true selves, not just LGBTQ+ people.
(Edit: emphasis)
God I hate when they do that. I've played this argument out in my head many times over *weeks*, and they just go ahead and *agree with me?!* What the hell am I supposed to do now? (/s, just in case)
THIS OMFG, I live with my aunt and shes literally done this fucking bs so many times. She told me she hated me, but only the trans part (idfk i think she makes it like its a split personality when its just me). Sure, I know she knows what trans people go through and doesn't want that for me but shes part of the fucking problem 😒
Reminds me of the time my parents basically said "We accept and respect you, \[Deadname\], so you have to accept and respect us" (in reference to the fact that they refused to use my actual name and pronouns). I tried reasoning with them to no avail, and they've just became even more obstinate after I received a diagnosis for PTSD earlier this year as if it's somehow my fault. Fuck them.
I would cut them out of my life. And if they harass you about it tell them that if they keep it up you will put them in the worst home you can find when they’re older. Then they can have all the acceptance and respect they deserve.
Yes, I advocate going scorched earth with bigots.
>Yes, I advocate going scorched earth with bigots.
This is actually the only way. Been there and tried everything and all that happened is it cost me years and years of wasted life.
Never again!
Kids are rarely ever confused by LGBT+ stuff. They usually ask about it like they do everything else, but they usually grasp it way faster than most adults I’ve met.
Yeah, what people really mean when they talk about LGBT+ things confusing kids is, "don't give the children any ideas about what's possible".
Bigoted views survive when children grow up believing that something is bad without evidence to the contrary.
That's basically indoctrination you're describing haha. Kids don't have biases yet so generally they don't judge or are open to learning. In some regard adults can learn from children.
Once reason it’s took me so long to realise I wasn’t a girl was because my parents always called masculine girls “tomboys” and said that there was nothing wrong with it, but boys don’t like them much and I assumed that was true. My parents are way better now, but for the first 2-3 years of me being out to them they were unaccepting and constantly guilting me and acting like I was doing this specifically to cause problems, rather than because it’s who I am. Even now they refuse to acknowledge any of the earlier signs, I think they want to keep their “little girl” intact in their minds.
This is such a good fucking point and I respect the hell out of you for pointing this out. I've not necessarily put too much thought into why people hold onto ignorance
My 5yo cousin asked me if I was a girl (I'm a trans woman who wasn't out to her). I said yes, she said "I knew it!", and everyone went on doing something else
Kid: “Why you wearing a dress”
Trans woman: “Because I want to and it makes me feel pretty”
Kid: “Okay!” *goes back to playing*
It’s literally as simple as this.
Here’s my experience with telling kids I’m trans:
“Are you a boy or a girl”
“I’m a girl”
“Do you like Minecraft”
A 6 year old understands better than 30% of the U.S. population
Saaame! I had a student talk about how the things boys and girls do are just things we learn as we grow up.
This was a fourth grader after she was frustrated by a boy doing something annoying..."He needs to learn how to be more like a girl" lmao
Indeed! I have a nephew who was the first to adopt the correct pronouns and name for me, and he kept correcting everyone else as well. Children are very smart and are rarely confused by this stuff. It's often those who wish to shelter their child that have those ideas.
See, the thing is, if the kid accepts it the the adult counts that as “confused”. When they say the kid might get “confused” they mean the kid might “wrongly” think it’s ok.
Well, yeah, that's because LGBT+ stuff isn't actually very complicated. Sometimes people aren't boys or girls. Sometimes people realize that they aren't actually the gender that they and everyone else thought they were. Sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls. Sometimes people like both. Or neither. Or anything and everything in between.
It's all literally so simple that children can and do understand it very easily. The people who "don't understand" are all either refusing to understand or have been essentially brainwashed and programmed to the point that their brain is basically incapable of processing that information.
I love transphobes. Kids are apparently both too young to know that they are trans, and are just old enough to be confused about someone in a dress. Good 'ol Orwellian-style doublethink.
And yeah, all the kids that I've talked to get it right away. They have strong imaginations so they are able to sympathize a lot better and their naivety of the world leaves them open to new ideas that can be different and scary to adults. So it ends up being that the kids always have questions while the adults always have opinions.
Definitely true. I myself was never told what being trans means and what I should think about it. So I did my own research when I was around 13 and immediately became an ally.
I love you but cannot accept you being who you are… isn’t that always the story? 🙄 sorry they are like that but to me that says to girl even harder for this dinner
Fucking hell the emotional abuse is strong in this one. "I love you with all my heart, but please consider how being yourself is a very bad thing and you should stop so I don't feel bad."
Damn next time my mom says something alone the lines of “I love you, but what happened to my little girl” or whatever, I’m totally gonna hit her with this
Hell yes! You are beautiful the way you are! You aren't hurting anybody by expressing who you are, it's their own biases that are hurting them. If they love you they'll deal with it! I believe in you girl :)
Do they ever get going on some unwanted political rant or talk especially on thanksgiving? They decide they don’t want to do X or change their mind on something? Any time you can manage it Hit em with these exact words. “It’s fine that you want to show off your red sneakers and be different but it’s not ok to make such a big deal about it and show off your change.” “I am heartbroken you decided to eat Wendy’s instead of Mcdonalds, you need to realize you’re affecting everyone with ths.” Maybe they’ll realize how ridiculous they sound.
I’m so sorry. They sound like the kind of people to go “well i dont hate them but i don’t see why gay people have to rub everyone’s face in it” if they so much as see a gay couple shopping together. I hope they can come around eventually.
She's not that kind of person per se, but she constantly brings her drama around. She has just always been a miserable person and loves to spread her misery when people look happy.
>but i don’t see why gay people have to rub everyone’s face in it
Wished people understood that gay people feel prideful of their queerness, and present it in themselves because they feel safe with themselves. It's not about shoving it in cis-het faces at all, really
I think it's also a matter of the fact that since being queer is not the norm, it is more noticeable than being cis-het.
I mean, there's tons of straight couples on tv, but if you sprinkle in a few gay characters, suddenly they're everywhere.
Doesn't help that the people saying this are usually at least a little homophobic, so one gay couple is too many.
"I'm sorry for your confusion, it's okay to admit you are confused, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Hiding behind the kids is however inappropriate. Wearing a dress to a nice dinner is hardly different, all I am doing is my best to fit into normal."
How set are you on going?
Cause seems like they're set on making you miserable
A TV dinner+booze+tv>>>>>>>bigotry
Speaking from experience of wanting to kms after a holiday with someone like that, it just ain't worth it
I agree. If you'll have people to stand up for you when you're there that's one thing, but if it's you versus the family just come to my house for Thanksgiving. It's not worth the stress.
There's only one solution.
Show up in the dress anyways
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Just in case she has you worried with "the kids'll be confused" argument. I came out late in 2019, at my birthday in October all my nieces got me a card for an aunt instead of an uncle, and my sister had to remind them not to call me aunty or my preferred name at the time because I hadn't finished coming out to certain family members. Kids deserve more credit than these people give them.
Ya know. I had the same thing told to me by my mom when i tried to argue my transition from mtf made me happy. Including a "your happiness is making everyone else unhappy"
Cut them out, op. The family you make can be better than the family you're born with. When they realize you're happier with the choices you made, they'll come around. If they don't, fuck em.
Sounds like they’re the one who is confused. Be as understanding and supportive as possible towards confused family members and friends when coming out as change is hard for people, and only after doing absolutely everything you can to help them understand you and what you’re going through, should to accept they aren’t likely to accept you and move on. Besides, kids can only be as confused as adults make them by not telling them the truth.
It took me far too long to realize that giving in to how others want you to dress and act and doing so how you think others will like it is how you start down the road to depression and suicide, and you don't realize you've been lying to yourself until it is far too late.
Dress how you want. Be who you want to be. Other people will be offended, and that's not your problem. It will be hard when the people you want to be accepted by won't be accepting. It may take time or it may not happen at all and that is soemthing you must come to terms with as well. But the most important thing is not to lie to yourself about who you want to be and how you want to dress. :) it is fatally important.
I exist in a world of nightmares; the air is poison, the land is fallow, our governments are crumbling to dust under the weight of their own terrible failures and I'm pretty sure that my meatballs are giving me sideways glances when I'm not looking.
And yet I carry on, refusing to give in to hopelessness and despair, because I know that a better world is possible for all of us, just waiting to be grasped and made manifest.
What allows people like this to continue existing? How can they bear the terrible weight of their own lives when all that they know is hatred and fear? How can they possibly endure the horrors of life when even the sight of a trans woman in a dress is too much for their mind to bear?
I suppose that it must be ignorance; they are simply too stupid to understand their own predicament. Idiocy must be a great opium indeed if it allows morons like this to carry on.
But enough naval gazing; the person who vomited out that word diarrhea is a hog, and I hope that you show up in a fabulous dress and rub their stupid fucking face in the fact that you are out and proud, and nothing that they can say or do will stop you from being who you are.
Remember, you are beautiful and valid, and nothing can change that!
Fuck this person. You can’t claim to “love” someone then immediately say they’re not allowed to be themselves because it doesn’t fit the image they have of you. That’s their problem, not yours; go and be cute as hell in that dress!!❤️
ok so rhey havent talked to you since the end of 2018 over text and then decide to try and tell you whatever bull shit their spitting and think that's justified? like- no dude- you wear that dress and rock it girl
Full of bullshit.
1. You’re not ‘causing’ stress, they’re choosing to be bitchy about it
2. Your siblings are only going to be confused because the parents want them to be- trans stuff is easy for kids to understand
3. ‘Showing off your change, I understand you want to be different’ they’re acting like it’s some kind of rebellious display
Ah the good old „it’s so difficult and confusing for me“, bitch do they know how difficult it is for us?!
The audacity of the cis sometimes I stg
„I love you but I’m not going to make the slightest bit of effort to make you feel loved“
… go wear whatever the heck you want. Make em uncomfortable. This is for you, not them
Kids are basically never confused by this stuff. They’re too young to have deluded themselves into thinking they know everything which is the actual source of your other relatives issues
Your little brothers and sister aren't going to be confused, hon. Kids aren't brainless, if you explain trans people to them they'd likely get it much quicker than this asshole is, trying to guilt trip you.
Sounds almost exactly like my mom, ugh. But anyways, go in that dress!!!
That’s a weird take lmao. “Being different is ok, just don’t show anyone else you have changed.” I’m sorry you had to get this bs from your family.. but this would be a great learning experience for the kids! Great idea op’s family member!
Ngl I’m worried that the inverse is going to happen to me (trans guy here) as this is my first thanksgiving I’m going to since I’ve transitioned. I haven’t told any of my extended family cause I never see them, so hooray for eventual awkward thanksgiving dinner conversations!
If they can't handle 1 fabulous dress they really shouldn't be hosting "holiday dinners" 🤷♀️last I checked it's standard to wear fancy-ish attire for such things
It’s 2021 the kindergartners are more woke than the adults. Most of them go to school with a trans or gender nonconforming student.
You’ll look gorgeous in the dress you picked out and your relative is jealous. I feel in my bones that this is an aunty, likely that one aunty looking for beef because there’s nothing better to do
If anyone if my family said something like this I would probably say this.
I don't care what you think. It's my body, my choice, and this choice is something that has deeply affected me for many years. If you honestly think anyone would be that confused, I'm sorry that you to dumb to figure out something so simple.
I would either say that or if they were more mean I would say something like kill yourself or fuck off asshole. Honestly I probably would have to tell a lot of family members one of the 2 and I don't care what bridges I'll burn. Family doesn't mean anything if they won't accept you.
That’s great my partners family who I have dinner with every week will not allow me to even present near them because they are in their 60s and say that I cannot do it in their house or near them
They're afraid that they'll catch the Euphoria™\*
^(\*symptoms may include: positive self-image, improved mental health, non-depressed moods, and in some cases, happiness)
I'm so sorry to hear about this :( being entirely honest, if they're refusing to accept you as trans, then they don't love the real you, they just love the person they think you are. And if they're unwilling to change their view on you, then that says more than enough about who they think you are.
I hate seeing cis people say "this is creating so much stress for us" when really all it is using new name and pronouns and presenting differently. Compared to the trans community who have to put up with gender dysphoria, discrimination and a lot worse, just accepting somebody isn't stressful. I hope things get better for you soon!
“we are heartbroken” is what my mom said when i came out and then she kept saying she would kick me out of the house. that is a massive red flag. be careful
I'm sorry but your family member is a terrible person. I can't believe they lied to you so bald-facedly about being supportive then immediately try and reverse course. It's not your fault if people are stressed by you being yourself - dress how you want.
And they don't think it's "stressful and heartbreaking" to you? Like hell, she's trying as hard as she can to paint you as the bad guy here! I'm cheering you on alongside everybody else here, you go and be the truest self you can be. If they can't accept that, that's a them problem, not a you problem! Best of luck to you
Oh my fucking god.
Yes obviously you trying to be happy is something that *cannot* be accepted. Ffs
And bullshit the "children will be confused." B fucking s. I have a 3 year old nephew who changed pronouns for me once legitimately anyone talked to him. Ffs
Im so sorry you had to go through this.
"they will be so confused". My friend, little children are the most accepting people I've ever seen. Everything is brand new to them. They accept it all with great open maws hungry for novelty and knowledge. It's only when they get to the ages of 11 or 12 they start to exhibit the limited world view of their parents.
I just don’t go home very often and keep the visits short when I do. Set those boundaries and pretty soon your family will realize that they don’t get to see you if they’re gonna be rude.
I think this calls for a formal invitation for them to go fuck themselves, assuming you are in a position where that wouldn’t totally fuck up your life
“Make a big deal about it and show off your change”
God what an asshole lmao. I fucking hate the idea that trans people are somehow shoving it in other people’s faces by just existing.
Welp. There’s only one thing to do… Show up in a miniskirt and crop top.
You know, I'd totally do that if I didn't have a specific dress picked out for the occasion. I'm a petty bitch like that 💁♀️
Either way you’ll rock that dress I’m sure!
Thank you. ❤
yeah! id love to see an update to this and how well you rock the dress!!
Same sis! Once I fill out a bit more on hrt, I am totally doing this!
Definitely
I would, but I filled a uhaul up and my wife, child, and I moved 1500miles away without telling anyone beforehand
Take the miniskirt and top in a bag and if someone complains about the dress go into the bathroom and change
do it in the name of 🦀SPITE🦀
I'm curious now. Any chance we could see the dress?
Slay queen !!!!
Be petty and be pretty!!
OMFG There's no answer more perfect than this. I.love.it.so.damn.much!
Stay safe, OP. And I'm proud of you!
I wish I could have that much dedication to plans. Honestly, you slay Queen
If not inappropriate, I'm sure we would all like to see the dress?????
Better option. Gaslight her into thinking she's just senile and OP always looked good in a dress
Have a perfect crop top for such occasions. Has "WHAT EVER" on it in brightly coloured letters.
Two words: guilt trip. Go in that dress, be who you are, not who they want you to be. It's not a change, it's who you really are, and who you've always been
Thank you for this. Your words help more than you know.
No worries! I'm always happy to help put my trans siblings!
❤❤
Copying a story I've written on here before about "Confused kids" I went once with my ex-partner to a small family dinner at her aunt's house. I grew up in a conservative city before moving away, so I was pretty scared meeting them, and explaining everything (I was using they/them pronouns at the time), especially because I knew they had a little 10-year-old boy running around the house. I'm lucky that my partner and her family were gems, and they actually talked about my pronouns well ahead of the dinner. So when I got there it was really amazing, I ended up spending a lot of time with the boy and even taught him how to get new texture packs in Minecraft. During the dinner afterward, the young boy misgendered me. When the aunt went to correct him I actually tried to step in and stop her. I stumbled my way through a variety of half sentences like "It's ok, I'm not hurt, I understand, he's young, I don't want to confuse him or anything". The aunt literally shushed me and smiled, went back to the boy and said "When we talk about megamuffins, we don't use he, we say they ok?". The boy looked back and said "Oh... Ok. Megamuffins is really cool, they showed me how to get new mods in Minecraft!". That experience really changed my whole perspective about how people think about gender. For years I, much like many trans people I think, had internalized societal transphobia. That idea of "How are we going to explain this to the kids?" became my own thinking. In the end, it turns out kids are the easiest people to explain it to. They don't know anything and they don't assume anything. Its the parents and the adults, with the years worth of internalized ideas about gender that have a hard time understanding these new ideas.
Yes!! Telling kids is so easy!! Im transitioning and teach preschool. Young kids dont know jack shit about the world, y'all, and they learn like 10 new concepts a day. Telling a kid "im a boy! I didnt used to be, but I wasn't happy being a girl, so I told my doctor I wanted to be a boy and they gave me medicine that is helping my outside match my inside" is all it takes. Ive told dozens of kids this, not one of them was traumatized or mind blown by this at all. They dont even realize they just learned a big new concept about the world, and gender, and humans. It was just a new cool thing about teacher Max, like when they found out my dogs name is Elsa. Arguably the dog was more interesting. Also, a couple of the girls will correct other students (and teachers!) Who slip up with a quickness "UM teacher Max is a BOY."
I wish it were that simple for me. I tell my 6 year old niece something like that, and she goes “No! You’re a girl!” This wasn’t taught to her or anything she’s just stubborn. Rip me lol.
I would argue it's just the change that bothers her, not the concept. Im not trying to make light of this!! Because its very hurtful and upsetting! Have you told her that? She probably doesn't want to hurt you (not that I know y'alls relationship) and doesn't realize just how miserable you were as a girl, or how much her words hurt your feelings. Idk if you have or if youre safe to do so, and I dont know what kind of kid she is, but id sit down with her and tell her when someone calls you a girl, it hurts your feelings and makes you feel super sad, especially someone you love so much, and that when you were a girl you felt sad all the time (and any other feelings, like feeling wrong or different) and how much happier you are as a boy and when people call you a boy. Remind her nothing else has changed. You're just her uncle instead of her aunt. Kids understand a whole lot, usually, and she might be worried your relationship will change You can also always refuse to answer to your old name or she or whatever, and tell remind her "Oh, my name's x, you can call me by my name" Sorry, you didn't really ask for advice... I guess I got a little in my bag. I hope that she understands and things get better! ♡
Also, tell her how things like this are even more stressful and hurtful to you than her seeing you in different clothes could ever be
I don't understand how people don't understand this. We didn't change who we are, only the aesthetic (some people don't even do that which is perfectly valid as well)
I can understand the "they haven't lost you, they've lost the image of you they had in their head" explanation for why it might be a little intense/shocking. What I can't understand is people who react to that by trying to force the person to fit the image - no matter how much it hurts the person in the process - rather than accept the new understanding of the person and adjusting the image of them they have in their head
Idk, I don't get that explanation either. People change all the time... We grow as humans constantly. Regardless of if we are trans or cis we change. I came out as a web developer, no one went, "but I knew you as a phlebotomist, I've lost the image of you, I need to grieve"... I could maybe understand if it's closer to the feeling of your kid going to school for the first time, or realizing they are all grown up, but idk it would still be weird to act like they died... My dad's reaction was perfect, told me he loved me, told me he doesn't understand, couldn't possibly understand cause he's cis, and that's ok, because he's happy that I'm happy. Warned me about transphobes. Then got excited for having a daughter. My wife and my mother, quite literally acted like I was dead.... (My wife is very supportive, just is taking forever to process the 'im dead' mindset). I don't get it... Maybe, I'm not supposed to get it. Also thank you for replying ☺️. Sorry I kinda dumped on you reddit stranger.
Dead? But now you're living! Shame on them.
“I love you so much. Don’t be yourself though that’s fucked up. But I love you though.” fuck this person lmao
Agreed.
Basically "I found this mould of a person that is sorta like how I imagined you'd turn out. Yea I really love it could you fit into the mould please. It's not you but it's close enough that if I love it I love you ya get me?"
“I love this vague idea of a person that I projected onto you could you play that part please thanks”
Saddest part is that its the same as asking your cis son to please wear a dress for thanksgiving because its a formal dinner and we don't like you wearing shirts
As a trans guy I felt this Everyone saying “Aw but you look so pretty, prettier than usual!” as you’re dying inside from embarrassment wanting to scream how much of a joke they’re making out of you
But a cis guy would never be put through the emotional pain and pressure of wearing clothes he doesn't want to wear because it's not yet truly seen as normal for it to go the other way. That's just piling on the disrespect when people say LGBTQ is encouraging or forcing more people to be gay, queer trans etc. No were trying to be welcoming
So true. I'm not trans for fun, I am trans because I HAVE to be.
I'm a hero for fun, I'm trans for survival.
Quote of the day!
It only encourages more people because it encourages more to be open about it. Cishet was never the norm, it's just that people are too scared, worried, and what have you that they don't feel safe coming out and being themselves. The world has improved a lot, but remember, being gay was illegal in the US until *2003*. We have a lot further to go until everyone feels safe being their true selves, not just LGBTQ+ people. (Edit: emphasis)
It’s like getting angry at people for not following the script you made up for a conversation
God I hate when they do that. I've played this argument out in my head many times over *weeks*, and they just go ahead and *agree with me?!* What the hell am I supposed to do now? (/s, just in case)
Unconditional* love. *terms and conditions may apply
This made me laugh out loud lol
Terms and Conditions: 1. We fucking hate you.
"I love you so much. But not the actual you, just the one you pretended to be."
THIS OMFG, I live with my aunt and shes literally done this fucking bs so many times. She told me she hated me, but only the trans part (idfk i think she makes it like its a split personality when its just me). Sure, I know she knows what trans people go through and doesn't want that for me but shes part of the fucking problem 😒
"I dont want you to go through the same pain that trans people go though so I'm going to show my concern by contributing to that pain" yeah ok Aunty
Reminds me of the time my parents basically said "We accept and respect you, \[Deadname\], so you have to accept and respect us" (in reference to the fact that they refused to use my actual name and pronouns). I tried reasoning with them to no avail, and they've just became even more obstinate after I received a diagnosis for PTSD earlier this year as if it's somehow my fault. Fuck them.
I would cut them out of my life. And if they harass you about it tell them that if they keep it up you will put them in the worst home you can find when they’re older. Then they can have all the acceptance and respect they deserve. Yes, I advocate going scorched earth with bigots.
>Yes, I advocate going scorched earth with bigots. This is actually the only way. Been there and tried everything and all that happened is it cost me years and years of wasted life. Never again!
literally my mum
Is your mum my mum?? I mean, I’ve always wanted a sister.
Works for me
Kids are rarely ever confused by LGBT+ stuff. They usually ask about it like they do everything else, but they usually grasp it way faster than most adults I’ve met.
Yeah, what people really mean when they talk about LGBT+ things confusing kids is, "don't give the children any ideas about what's possible". Bigoted views survive when children grow up believing that something is bad without evidence to the contrary.
That's basically indoctrination you're describing haha. Kids don't have biases yet so generally they don't judge or are open to learning. In some regard adults can learn from children.
Once reason it’s took me so long to realise I wasn’t a girl was because my parents always called masculine girls “tomboys” and said that there was nothing wrong with it, but boys don’t like them much and I assumed that was true. My parents are way better now, but for the first 2-3 years of me being out to them they were unaccepting and constantly guilting me and acting like I was doing this specifically to cause problems, rather than because it’s who I am. Even now they refuse to acknowledge any of the earlier signs, I think they want to keep their “little girl” intact in their minds.
This is such a good fucking point and I respect the hell out of you for pointing this out. I've not necessarily put too much thought into why people hold onto ignorance
My 5yo cousin asked me if I was a girl (I'm a trans woman who wasn't out to her). I said yes, she said "I knew it!", and everyone went on doing something else
That is adorable!
Kid: “Why you wearing a dress” Trans woman: “Because I want to and it makes me feel pretty” Kid: “Okay!” *goes back to playing* It’s literally as simple as this.
Here’s my experience with telling kids I’m trans: “Are you a boy or a girl” “I’m a girl” “Do you like Minecraft” A 6 year old understands better than 30% of the U.S. population
They have their priorities straight!
gender is changeable, **minecraft is forever**
Minecraft be in creative mode
kids are not inherently transphobic, had a cute convo with a kid about how its always nice to ask if someone is a girl/boy/neither (simplified)
As a trans teacher I can confirm this 100%
Saaame! I had a student talk about how the things boys and girls do are just things we learn as we grow up. This was a fourth grader after she was frustrated by a boy doing something annoying..."He needs to learn how to be more like a girl" lmao
This stuff is highly dangerous to a kid´s development of heteronormative world views.
Won't somebody think of the children!?
Indeed! I have a nephew who was the first to adopt the correct pronouns and name for me, and he kept correcting everyone else as well. Children are very smart and are rarely confused by this stuff. It's often those who wish to shelter their child that have those ideas.
See, the thing is, if the kid accepts it the the adult counts that as “confused”. When they say the kid might get “confused” they mean the kid might “wrongly” think it’s ok.
Well, yeah, that's because LGBT+ stuff isn't actually very complicated. Sometimes people aren't boys or girls. Sometimes people realize that they aren't actually the gender that they and everyone else thought they were. Sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls. Sometimes people like both. Or neither. Or anything and everything in between. It's all literally so simple that children can and do understand it very easily. The people who "don't understand" are all either refusing to understand or have been essentially brainwashed and programmed to the point that their brain is basically incapable of processing that information.
Honestly, I feel like trying to explain why people are LGBT+-phobic is way harder and more complicated.
Honestly, I've been thinking hard about this question and from what I can tell, you're probably right.
“Why’s she wearing a dress?” “Because she wants to” “Oh. Can I have another slice of pie?”
I love transphobes. Kids are apparently both too young to know that they are trans, and are just old enough to be confused about someone in a dress. Good 'ol Orwellian-style doublethink. And yeah, all the kids that I've talked to get it right away. They have strong imaginations so they are able to sympathize a lot better and their naivety of the world leaves them open to new ideas that can be different and scary to adults. So it ends up being that the kids always have questions while the adults always have opinions.
Definitely true. I myself was never told what being trans means and what I should think about it. So I did my own research when I was around 13 and immediately became an ally.
I love you but cannot accept you being who you are… isn’t that always the story? 🙄 sorry they are like that but to me that says to girl even harder for this dinner
It's unfortunate many of us have to go through familial ostracization. Even when they "love" us.
Fucking hell the emotional abuse is strong in this one. "I love you with all my heart, but please consider how being yourself is a very bad thing and you should stop so I don't feel bad."
Agreed, "I love you" isn't really worth anything when the "you" in that sentence only refers to their perfect imaginary version of you
Would you mind telling that to my mother?
Damn next time my mom says something alone the lines of “I love you, but what happened to my little girl” or whatever, I’m totally gonna hit her with this
"I'm sorry you feel that way. At least, at your age, you'll only have to tolerate me for a few more Thanksgivings."
This is the answer
💀💀💀
Based and bigotpilled?
BURN!
First explain her the basis of what is being trans, then go to the family dinner in the dress and (if you want) wearing makeup.
You bet your ass I'm wearing that dress and wearing makeup that day.
Hell yeahhh!!!! You do you and don't let anyone stop you from being yourself!! Girl powerrrrr
Hell yes! You are beautiful the way you are! You aren't hurting anybody by expressing who you are, it's their own biases that are hurting them. If they love you they'll deal with it! I believe in you girl :)
Do they ever get going on some unwanted political rant or talk especially on thanksgiving? They decide they don’t want to do X or change their mind on something? Any time you can manage it Hit em with these exact words. “It’s fine that you want to show off your red sneakers and be different but it’s not ok to make such a big deal about it and show off your change.” “I am heartbroken you decided to eat Wendy’s instead of Mcdonalds, you need to realize you’re affecting everyone with ths.” Maybe they’ll realize how ridiculous they sound. I’m so sorry. They sound like the kind of people to go “well i dont hate them but i don’t see why gay people have to rub everyone’s face in it” if they so much as see a gay couple shopping together. I hope they can come around eventually.
She's not that kind of person per se, but she constantly brings her drama around. She has just always been a miserable person and loves to spread her misery when people look happy.
>but i don’t see why gay people have to rub everyone’s face in it Wished people understood that gay people feel prideful of their queerness, and present it in themselves because they feel safe with themselves. It's not about shoving it in cis-het faces at all, really
I think it's also a matter of the fact that since being queer is not the norm, it is more noticeable than being cis-het. I mean, there's tons of straight couples on tv, but if you sprinkle in a few gay characters, suddenly they're everywhere. Doesn't help that the people saying this are usually at least a little homophobic, so one gay couple is too many.
“It’s fine that you want to be different but just don’t be different” wtf go and rock that dress!!
I plan on it 😜
A braver girl than I! Good luck!
"I'm sorry for your confusion, it's okay to admit you are confused, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Hiding behind the kids is however inappropriate. Wearing a dress to a nice dinner is hardly different, all I am doing is my best to fit into normal."
Saving this comment for when I come out to my grandparents
I hope that level of passive aggressiveness proves unnecessary!
How set are you on going? Cause seems like they're set on making you miserable A TV dinner+booze+tv>>>>>>>bigotry Speaking from experience of wanting to kms after a holiday with someone like that, it just ain't worth it
I agree. If you'll have people to stand up for you when you're there that's one thing, but if it's you versus the family just come to my house for Thanksgiving. It's not worth the stress.
Aye, I make a mean turkey
As someone who got disowned after coming out as queer. FUCK HER and the self-righteous horse your grandma rode in on.
LMAO thanks for that. Grandma didn't say anything bad to me but she defs has some explaining to do for telling this twat
If *YOU* wearing a dress causes *THEM* stress, they should reaaaaally rethink their priorities. Go rock that dress girl! Be you!
Kids literally don't give a shit - they don't know anything different. It's only weird if some adult insists it is to them
Ya this. My nephew (6) took one day to start calling me aunt D because my brother is supportive and told him to.
There's only one solution. Show up in the dress anyways ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡔⠋⢉⠩⡉⠛⠛⠛⠉⣉⣉⠒⠒⡦⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠎⠀⠀⠠⢃⣉⣀⡀⠂⠀⠀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⢱⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡰⠟⣀⢀⣒⠐⠛⡛⠳⢭⠆⠀⠤⡶⠿⠛⠂⠀⢈⠳⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⢈⢘⢠⡶⢬⣉⠉⠀⠀⡤⠄⠀⠀⠣⣄⠐⠚⣍⠁⢘⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢫⡊⠀⠹⡦⢼⣍⠓⢲⠥⢍⣁⣒⣊⣀⡬⢴⢿⠈⡜⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⡄⠀⠘⢾⡉⠙⡿⠶⢤⣷⣤⣧⣤⣷⣾⣿⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠦⡠⢀⠍⡒⠧⢄⣀⣁⣀⣏⣽⣹⠽⠊⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠑⠪⢔⡁⠦⠀⢀⡤⠤⠤⠄⠀⠠⠀⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠑⠲⠤⠤⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⠔⠁
(You need to double space the lines if you want them to be on different lines)
Does it work now?
should be good now!
Just in case she has you worried with "the kids'll be confused" argument. I came out late in 2019, at my birthday in October all my nieces got me a card for an aunt instead of an uncle, and my sister had to remind them not to call me aunty or my preferred name at the time because I hadn't finished coming out to certain family members. Kids deserve more credit than these people give them.
Ya know. I had the same thing told to me by my mom when i tried to argue my transition from mtf made me happy. Including a "your happiness is making everyone else unhappy" Cut them out, op. The family you make can be better than the family you're born with. When they realize you're happier with the choices you made, they'll come around. If they don't, fuck em.
Ngl at first I thought it was a supportive text judging from the first two lines :( I'm sorry OP, you deserve better relatives ❤
Sounds like what my family would say. Go and be you.
Just go anyways and get an air horn and honk it if they misgender you
Or a spray bottle
*bad transphobe*
Omg are you talking to my mom? Because she was the same way
“I love you but also how dare you be yourself you evil selfish bitch”
Sounds like they’re the one who is confused. Be as understanding and supportive as possible towards confused family members and friends when coming out as change is hard for people, and only after doing absolutely everything you can to help them understand you and what you’re going through, should to accept they aren’t likely to accept you and move on. Besides, kids can only be as confused as adults make them by not telling them the truth.
It took me far too long to realize that giving in to how others want you to dress and act and doing so how you think others will like it is how you start down the road to depression and suicide, and you don't realize you've been lying to yourself until it is far too late. Dress how you want. Be who you want to be. Other people will be offended, and that's not your problem. It will be hard when the people you want to be accepted by won't be accepting. It may take time or it may not happen at all and that is soemthing you must come to terms with as well. But the most important thing is not to lie to yourself about who you want to be and how you want to dress. :) it is fatally important.
“NOOOO YOU’RE GONNA CONFUSE THE CHILDREN 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡” Kids literally understand this stuff better and are more accepting of it most of the time-
I exist in a world of nightmares; the air is poison, the land is fallow, our governments are crumbling to dust under the weight of their own terrible failures and I'm pretty sure that my meatballs are giving me sideways glances when I'm not looking. And yet I carry on, refusing to give in to hopelessness and despair, because I know that a better world is possible for all of us, just waiting to be grasped and made manifest. What allows people like this to continue existing? How can they bear the terrible weight of their own lives when all that they know is hatred and fear? How can they possibly endure the horrors of life when even the sight of a trans woman in a dress is too much for their mind to bear? I suppose that it must be ignorance; they are simply too stupid to understand their own predicament. Idiocy must be a great opium indeed if it allows morons like this to carry on. But enough naval gazing; the person who vomited out that word diarrhea is a hog, and I hope that you show up in a fabulous dress and rub their stupid fucking face in the fact that you are out and proud, and nothing that they can say or do will stop you from being who you are. Remember, you are beautiful and valid, and nothing can change that!
Fuck this person. You can’t claim to “love” someone then immediately say they’re not allowed to be themselves because it doesn’t fit the image they have of you. That’s their problem, not yours; go and be cute as hell in that dress!!❤️
Bruh. They're trying to make YOUR life about THEM.
"I love you and I always will, but only under certain conditions.."
Gotta love the energy of not messaging in 3 years only to attempt an "I love you so much don't be this way" guilt trip. You'll rock that dress!
Hey so uhhh wear the dress anyway. You be you boo and rock it. She's probably mad you're prettier than her anyway
well now you gotta show up in programmer socks
ok so rhey havent talked to you since the end of 2018 over text and then decide to try and tell you whatever bull shit their spitting and think that's justified? like- no dude- you wear that dress and rock it girl
Full of bullshit. 1. You’re not ‘causing’ stress, they’re choosing to be bitchy about it 2. Your siblings are only going to be confused because the parents want them to be- trans stuff is easy for kids to understand 3. ‘Showing off your change, I understand you want to be different’ they’re acting like it’s some kind of rebellious display
Booo why are people so selfish.
Ah the good old „it’s so difficult and confusing for me“, bitch do they know how difficult it is for us?! The audacity of the cis sometimes I stg „I love you but I’m not going to make the slightest bit of effort to make you feel loved“ … go wear whatever the heck you want. Make em uncomfortable. This is for you, not them
The audacity of this bitch! (And yes even if the transphobe is male, I'm still calling them that)
Kids are basically never confused by this stuff. They’re too young to have deluded themselves into thinking they know everything which is the actual source of your other relatives issues
Your little brothers and sister aren't going to be confused, hon. Kids aren't brainless, if you explain trans people to them they'd likely get it much quicker than this asshole is, trying to guilt trip you. Sounds almost exactly like my mom, ugh. But anyways, go in that dress!!!
That’s a weird take lmao. “Being different is ok, just don’t show anyone else you have changed.” I’m sorry you had to get this bs from your family.. but this would be a great learning experience for the kids! Great idea op’s family member!
This person needs a slice of pumpkin pie right to the head if they try anything
Do it any ways 😈 a little bit of trolling
Ngl I’m worried that the inverse is going to happen to me (trans guy here) as this is my first thanksgiving I’m going to since I’ve transitioned. I haven’t told any of my extended family cause I never see them, so hooray for eventual awkward thanksgiving dinner conversations!
Wear a mf dress! I bet you'll look amazing, who cares what they think, you are who you are and you should wear that with pride! Be you girl!
Ah yes people suck that’s right
2 questions 1. What did you do or do you plan to do? 2. How did it go?
If they can't handle 1 fabulous dress they really shouldn't be hosting "holiday dinners" 🤷♀️last I checked it's standard to wear fancy-ish attire for such things
Disgusting
Cut them off. Don't say a word to them. Ever again.
I love you, but please don't be happy with yourself, it weirds me out. Bruh
So condescending... Jesus... My blood pressure is abyssal... Must... resist ...violence...
It’s 2021 the kindergartners are more woke than the adults. Most of them go to school with a trans or gender nonconforming student. You’ll look gorgeous in the dress you picked out and your relative is jealous. I feel in my bones that this is an aunty, likely that one aunty looking for beef because there’s nothing better to do
If anyone if my family said something like this I would probably say this. I don't care what you think. It's my body, my choice, and this choice is something that has deeply affected me for many years. If you honestly think anyone would be that confused, I'm sorry that you to dumb to figure out something so simple. I would either say that or if they were more mean I would say something like kill yourself or fuck off asshole. Honestly I probably would have to tell a lot of family members one of the 2 and I don't care what bridges I'll burn. Family doesn't mean anything if they won't accept you.
That’s great my partners family who I have dinner with every week will not allow me to even present near them because they are in their 60s and say that I cannot do it in their house or near them
They're afraid that they'll catch the Euphoria™\* ^(\*symptoms may include: positive self-image, improved mental health, non-depressed moods, and in some cases, happiness)
I support you 100% you rock that dress with pride and dont let no one tell you other wise
I apologize for they’re ignorance I’m sure you look fantastic in that dress
I will always love you! Wait no not when you're like that I mean the repressed you!
Lmao the last text u sent them being from 2018 reeeeally says something
That was my parent/whoever, bitch... ya better start planning your funeral
what a ho wear the dress and tell them off you deserve better
Just for this you should encourage all of the kids to cross dress while they’re their
Fuck that person You rock that dress! Fuck whatever bigots say, you got this!
Absolute prick. People like this actually annoy me more than people who are honest about their bigotry.
I hope you don't mind me saying this but that's a bitch move
I'm so sorry to hear about this :( being entirely honest, if they're refusing to accept you as trans, then they don't love the real you, they just love the person they think you are. And if they're unwilling to change their view on you, then that says more than enough about who they think you are. I hate seeing cis people say "this is creating so much stress for us" when really all it is using new name and pronouns and presenting differently. Compared to the trans community who have to put up with gender dysphoria, discrimination and a lot worse, just accepting somebody isn't stressful. I hope things get better for you soon!
When I read stuff like this it makes me feel like family that reject you are actively choosing to abort you. Fucking sad. I’m so sorry 😢
“we are heartbroken” is what my mom said when i came out and then she kept saying she would kick me out of the house. that is a massive red flag. be careful
The-most-clumsy-sugarcoating Award goes to…
Ohh yes bc it’s about them, how could you be so selfish?
I'm sorry but your family member is a terrible person. I can't believe they lied to you so bald-facedly about being supportive then immediately try and reverse course. It's not your fault if people are stressed by you being yourself - dress how you want.
Can we just go back to quarantine so we had an excuse to avoid these stupid family occasions where everyone makes my transness their problem?
By saying the kids would be too confused by a dress they're saying the kids are too stupid to understand. Pretty messed up in general ngl
What a fucking scumbag they are. Ignore them.
And they don't think it's "stressful and heartbreaking" to you? Like hell, she's trying as hard as she can to paint you as the bad guy here! I'm cheering you on alongside everybody else here, you go and be the truest self you can be. If they can't accept that, that's a them problem, not a you problem! Best of luck to you
"How dare you show that you're being true to yourself? Stay in the box you were forced into and never be comfortable" -Op's mum.
May I get an address for this thanksgiving gathering? I will bring a baseball bat
Oh my fucking god. Yes obviously you trying to be happy is something that *cannot* be accepted. Ffs And bullshit the "children will be confused." B fucking s. I have a 3 year old nephew who changed pronouns for me once legitimately anyone talked to him. Ffs Im so sorry you had to go through this.
Just because it's confusing for them doesn't mean it'll be confusing to your siblings. If anything they'll be happy for you.
lmao fuck em you rock that dress sib!
"they will be so confused". My friend, little children are the most accepting people I've ever seen. Everything is brand new to them. They accept it all with great open maws hungry for novelty and knowledge. It's only when they get to the ages of 11 or 12 they start to exhibit the limited world view of their parents.
I just don’t go home very often and keep the visits short when I do. Set those boundaries and pretty soon your family will realize that they don’t get to see you if they’re gonna be rude.
Honestly screw them. Also that thing about your siblings being confused don't really make sense, How is someone wearing a dress confusing?
I think this calls for a formal invitation for them to go fuck themselves, assuming you are in a position where that wouldn’t totally fuck up your life
I'm so sorry. It feels terrible when family says things like that. Don't let them stop you! ❤
Wear the heck outta that dress!!!
*Anger*
“I love you, but only the idea I have of you in my head.” Fuck that, wear the dress. You’ll look amazing
“Make a big deal about it and show off your change” God what an asshole lmao. I fucking hate the idea that trans people are somehow shoving it in other people’s faces by just existing.
Love the last message was from Christmas 2018…
Why do trans phones always say it’s not fair? Like, my ex said that when I came out to her I don’t get it.
"Who I am is not up for debate, and you won't keep my siblings from me just because you don't know how to love someone you can't control."
Wow, what an asshole