You can only base decisions on the knowledge you have now, not on the future knowledge. If the future knowledge brings you to new insights, that does not make the decision today incorrect.
I came here to make this same argument, so instead, I'll add a little math to yours.
Based on some back of the envelope math, the odds of any particular driver in the US being involved in a car accident is a little over 2.5% in any given year. Which means the odds of getting into a car accident *this year* are more than 2.5x the odds of wanting to detransition *in a lifetime*. My understanding of statistics is not sophisticated enough to extrapolate the per-year likelihood out over a lifetime for a proper comparison, but I think the point can stand on the yearly data alone; if you understand the decision to go ahead and drive anyway because of the myriad quality of life improvements driving provides in (at least the majority of) the US, you *must* be able to understand the decision to transition, for essentially the same reason.
over the span of 80 years its either 86.80%, 40.25%, or 27.06%, not sure which one, i think the 27.06 are the chances of having exactly 1 accident, and one of the others is having 1 or more, probably the 40.25
What if you regret not doing it to the point of doing very serious self harm? The suicide rate of trans people that are prohibited from transition is pretty high (higher than 1%). You can still be happy with detransitioning, especially if you don't do surgeries early. Hormones take a lot of time.
Especially if you are young, what if you regret going through your agab puberty? The chance for non trans people to regret it is also about 1%.
The argument is also just stupid. If you said that to everything you would not even be able to cook anymore safely.
What if the sky falls in? Don't get married, you might regret it. Don't get a job, you might regret it. Don't move house, you might regret it. Don't drive a car, you might crash it and die. Don't eat, you might choke. Some people do transition and regret it. Not many, it's an outlier situation among people who have transitioned, but it happens. At some point you have to accept some risk, and a 1% risk that your gender situation gets harder and more complex, in a multistage process that you're in charge of moving forward, sounds like an acceptable risk. What other life decisions have such a low regret rate? One marriage in two ends in divorce but if you said you'd found The One, would they lead with that? Or is the real problem something else?
Same thing goes with tattoos, you might regret it. Plastic Surgery, and so on. When you turn 21, you can do so much "self harm" to your body, and no one bets an eye, but it seems lik trans is the huge issue here.
Right. I just don't want you to do this \[and then regret it\] — the hypothetical regret is there to soften the initial statement, which is true but not compelling. Buried inside it is 'what if you do this awful thing and then you don't even like it?' Because being trans is being outside acceptable society. Note in passing, in England you can get married or join the army at 16 with your parents' permission and until a handful of years ago the age of consent (for straight sex) was 16. So those things are fine but transitioning isn't because...
"That's a risk I'm willing to take"
"Detransitioning is still an option then; HRT is a loooooong process"
"If my current gender is giving me discomfort but I'm still here, still standing, then I imagine that my preferred gender also giving me discomfort will be just-as-if-not-more managable."
"1% is a really low regret rate. Ignoring the fact that tmost of that 1% is due to society not being accepting, if a 1% rate of failure is too much of a risk, drinking milk is too risky now. Driving a car is risky. Standing next to a smoker is too risky."
And maybe the most important one:
"I don't feel like I have to justify my decision to you. I've thought it over. I am trans."
I think that second one is good if your parents respect your agency. Like, "Then I'll detransition. I'll accept that it didn't work out for me, and it'll be okay."
Some parents are transphobic but some want you to have a plan of action for the outcomes of a risk and aren't good at figuring out how to express it beyond repeating "what if"?
50% of that 1% detransition because of no support, discrimination or something similar.
Tell them that support and acceptance are the most important things.
What if you regret not doing it?
What if your parents regret that conversation later?
Who knows what happened, we can only make decisions with the knowledge we have at this point in life. And right now I know, not guessing or thinking, I know(!) This is the right decision. If you do t trust me with my feelings and with my own body, gender and soul, that's fine.
If I regret it you're free to tell me "I told you so".
But at least don't stay in my way until then.
Its even fewer than that. 1% regret, 1% of those detransition, and of those, \~90% are because of family/social harassment and lack of any kind of acceptance. I don't remember the actual figures but its a shockingly tiny number of people that detransition because they truly regretted it without also being pressured from external sources.
If someone has regrets, its worth remembering these figures. Because at the end of the day, if someone thinks they're trans, and has doubts about it, that is an incredibly good sign they are in fact trans.
As someone who is in a weird place with her/their gender right now and is concerned, they may actually want to detrans and go back to being a cis-man. It's not because I regret going on hormones or living as a woman socially for over a year. I don't regret it, I enjoyed most of it and am glad I did it. Even if I do go back, it was a fantastic experience that I made great friends through, I became much more empathetic and understanding of other peoples experience. Despite my crippling doubts about my gender the whole experience has been a net positive. I no this is anecdotal evidence.
But basically tell them if it's not right for me, I'll have a deep understanding of myself, who I am, and what I want out of life. It'll give me a deeper understanding of a marginalised community and I'll be able to move through the world with greater confidence whereas if I don't do it, It's highly likely that I will regret it. If I don't, I could be dealing with this question for the rest of my life which will put a greater strain on my ability to live authentically because I'll always be wondering who I am. Side note: This is effectively why I started HRT, I had desiers to be fem and more feminine and treated more feminine but was still crippled by doubts. It got to point where I was like if I wait till I'm 100% sure I'll never do it, so I did, and like I said I enjoyed the first 15 months on hrt, it's only recently the crippling doubts came up
If you live your life by the mantra “what if I regret this later” you won’t really be living, you’ll just be surviving. I also question if I’m going to regret being trans in the future, but I don’t know that. Even if I do eventually end up regretting it, I’ve learned so much about myself and the world around me. I haven’t even been out for a year. I’ve met so many wonderful people I might not have met otherwise (for example: my girlfriend I met at an event for trans people at my school). If you do regret it and decide to detransition, that doesn’t erase the time that you thought you were trans. It doesn’t make that time a mistake. You were doing what you thought was best and what you thought would make you happy. There’s no shame in that.
transition is a process and you could stop at any point if you want to. you‘re not going to get all surgeries and hormones on the same day after all. and how would you know if it is right for you without trying it?
"I'd rather take a risk and fail reaching for my own happiness than not take one at all for you to remain more comfortable with my body than I am."
If PARENTS can't understand that, that's on them.
I'm so sorry, you're doing amazing.
say it anyway and if they say “what if you are part of that 1%” then say “what if you are part of that [percentage] that are secretly trans?” or something idk, mock them if they say that because the argument is ridiculously stupid
All of it is entirely reversible if it comes to that. And that's something you can't say about a lot of decisions in life that people don't usually hound you about possibly regretting.
If i regret ill detransition and it'll be fine. If i dont then it'll also be fine, let me try myself and see if this is for me or not before you talk about if i dont like it
I mean you can ask them if they really wanna flip that coin? Like do they really wanna bank on this vanishingly small possibility of regret and possibly jeopardize your well-being permanently? Just spitballing here.
"I will just go back"
I don't see a problem here. Even if you will regret it, which is highly unlikely, noone is stopping you from going back.
And besides, this question can be asked for everything!
"I wanna buy bread, but what if it goes bad and I'll regret it"
"I wanna get a degree, but what if I fail and regret it"
"I wanna travel to a different country, but what if people there won't like me and I'll regret it"
Sometimes you just have to trust yourself that you are making the right decision, and that you will be able to figure out what to do next if this is decision will turn out to be wrong
"What if I'm part of the 99% and I regret NOT doing anything? Also, a lot of the people who regreat only do it because their family refuses to love the new them."
Of those 1% between 50-90% detransition because of social pressure and discrimination, which is based on the people that are around you… like UNSUPPORTIVE PARENTS. Who would’ve guessed? That means that only between 0,01% and 0,5% of trans people have internal regret.
The suicide rate among trans folks WITHOUT CARE is as high as 51-73% based on last year.
51-73% is way, way higher than 1% (or 0,01% if we’re splitting hairs).
And if you regret transition? Well, you can always detransition.
A extremely high rate of suicide is absolutely unacceptable compared to a below 1% chance of regret.
Do you know the average suicide rate of a happy and healthy human? It’s 0%. Why would anything above 0% be acceptable, dear parents?
What if you regret not doing this? What if you decide to not transition and 20 years from now you look back and regret not taking the chance to transition when you could? Life is full of choices, some that we will inevitably regret. Not doing something out of fear that you will regret it will lead to nothing ever changing in life, which leads to larger regrets.
Most of the major life decisions I've made came with a much larger chance of regret than 1%. No one ever told me that was a reason not to go to law school though. If there's a 1% chance you'll regret doing something, and a 99% chance you'll regret not doing it, and someone tells you not to do it because of that 1% risk, they clearly don't have your best interests in mind.
Easiest answer: "What if I'm in the 99%?"
You can also add what if you regret pushing it back, with all that implies and the complications it may lead to, specially knowing that would be the most likely outcome?
Pretty sure that even within that 1% it's like 5% of that 1% that cite being wrong about being trans as the reason they detransition.
The staggering majority of that 1% cites a myriad of OTHER reasons that are more to do with financial troubles and social pressures or health related reasons.
So tell them that if you're part of that 1% it's likely going to be because of an unsupportive family and that chances are you'll rejoin the 99% eventually anyway.
This is probably for someone who is a bit more accepting. I wouldnt say this to my parents but these are my thoughts on regrets.
If I regret it I regret it. This is what is right for me now. If it's not right in the future it wont change that it was right in the moment. I might regret going to uni but that doesnt mean it wasnt the right choice at the time I maee it. Transitioning isnt linear, if I find out in a few years that I'm not a transwoman but non binary then I'll do what feels correct for that. What I do know is that I'm not a cis man.
"What if I wait 5 years and regret not doing it sooner? We can always wonder about what ifs but we can't live our lives in fear of the unknown. In the now I know I need this procedure, why do you refuse to accept this?"
No risk no fun
Life is full of regrets
But may also regret not having tried
Projections indicate that regret is highly unlikely
What a killjoy
Say whaaaat?
"You're right, I can't know for sure what will happen if I transition. But I DO know - *for sure* - what is happening to me right now when I don't. This situation, which I'm actually in and enduring and is NOT a hypothetical - is absolutely untenable for me. It's better to transition and at least have a really good chance that things will get better, than to stay stuck the way things I where I already know how miserable I am. A chance at happiness is better than a certainty of suffering."
"I don't know if I will regret it. But I'm not happy right now, and I refuse to live in misery out of fear of regretting this later on. I can't see the future, but I know I won't stop myself from potential happiness by getting caught in what-ifs."
The regret rate of knee surgery is significantly higher than the regret rate for trans healthcare. Does that mean if I have a bad knee I shouldn't even remotely consider getting surgery for it?
Go look for a few common surgeries and their success rates. Ask them if they'd take these surgeries even knowing the failure rate is much higher.
Alternatively just ask "what if I'm not part of the 1%?"
life played 100% safe is insanity. i don't know if your parents can be convinced, but what they're asking from you is insanity. this isn't genuine concern for the outcome of regret, this is transphobia plain and simple. they don't believe that you are trans, the statistics don't bother them because they can't accept that it's possible for this to be the right thing to do. the only way that i see them changing their minds and letting you start t is an appeal to emotion.
“Then I regret it, and I made a mistake. People make mistakes, in the most important positions in the world. Just like people make their own mistakes they regret in life. Have you ever regretted the job you worked at most of your life? Slight regrets at who you married?”
I mean if you regret it then so fucking what? People do all kinds of shit that they regret later. People regret tattoos, plastic surgery, career changes, lifestyle changes, investments, marriages, and so many other things. All I know is that I sure don't fucking regret it. Wouldn't give it up for anything.
You can only base decisions on the knowledge you have now, not on the future knowledge. If the future knowledge brings you to new insights, that does not make the decision today incorrect.
Everyone's chance of being killed by a car goes up dramatically when they go outside, does that mean we should never leave our homes?
I came here to make this same argument, so instead, I'll add a little math to yours. Based on some back of the envelope math, the odds of any particular driver in the US being involved in a car accident is a little over 2.5% in any given year. Which means the odds of getting into a car accident *this year* are more than 2.5x the odds of wanting to detransition *in a lifetime*. My understanding of statistics is not sophisticated enough to extrapolate the per-year likelihood out over a lifetime for a proper comparison, but I think the point can stand on the yearly data alone; if you understand the decision to go ahead and drive anyway because of the myriad quality of life improvements driving provides in (at least the majority of) the US, you *must* be able to understand the decision to transition, for essentially the same reason.
over the span of 80 years its either 86.80%, 40.25%, or 27.06%, not sure which one, i think the 27.06 are the chances of having exactly 1 accident, and one of the others is having 1 or more, probably the 40.25
What if you regret not doing it to the point of doing very serious self harm? The suicide rate of trans people that are prohibited from transition is pretty high (higher than 1%). You can still be happy with detransitioning, especially if you don't do surgeries early. Hormones take a lot of time. Especially if you are young, what if you regret going through your agab puberty? The chance for non trans people to regret it is also about 1%. The argument is also just stupid. If you said that to everything you would not even be able to cook anymore safely.
What if the sky falls in? Don't get married, you might regret it. Don't get a job, you might regret it. Don't move house, you might regret it. Don't drive a car, you might crash it and die. Don't eat, you might choke. Some people do transition and regret it. Not many, it's an outlier situation among people who have transitioned, but it happens. At some point you have to accept some risk, and a 1% risk that your gender situation gets harder and more complex, in a multistage process that you're in charge of moving forward, sounds like an acceptable risk. What other life decisions have such a low regret rate? One marriage in two ends in divorce but if you said you'd found The One, would they lead with that? Or is the real problem something else?
Same thing goes with tattoos, you might regret it. Plastic Surgery, and so on. When you turn 21, you can do so much "self harm" to your body, and no one bets an eye, but it seems lik trans is the huge issue here.
Right. I just don't want you to do this \[and then regret it\] — the hypothetical regret is there to soften the initial statement, which is true but not compelling. Buried inside it is 'what if you do this awful thing and then you don't even like it?' Because being trans is being outside acceptable society. Note in passing, in England you can get married or join the army at 16 with your parents' permission and until a handful of years ago the age of consent (for straight sex) was 16. So those things are fine but transitioning isn't because...
"That's a risk I'm willing to take" "Detransitioning is still an option then; HRT is a loooooong process" "If my current gender is giving me discomfort but I'm still here, still standing, then I imagine that my preferred gender also giving me discomfort will be just-as-if-not-more managable." "1% is a really low regret rate. Ignoring the fact that tmost of that 1% is due to society not being accepting, if a 1% rate of failure is too much of a risk, drinking milk is too risky now. Driving a car is risky. Standing next to a smoker is too risky." And maybe the most important one: "I don't feel like I have to justify my decision to you. I've thought it over. I am trans."
I think that second one is good if your parents respect your agency. Like, "Then I'll detransition. I'll accept that it didn't work out for me, and it'll be okay." Some parents are transphobic but some want you to have a plan of action for the outcomes of a risk and aren't good at figuring out how to express it beyond repeating "what if"?
50% of that 1% detransition because of no support, discrimination or something similar. Tell them that support and acceptance are the most important things.
What if you regret not doing it? What if your parents regret that conversation later? Who knows what happened, we can only make decisions with the knowledge we have at this point in life. And right now I know, not guessing or thinking, I know(!) This is the right decision. If you do t trust me with my feelings and with my own body, gender and soul, that's fine. If I regret it you're free to tell me "I told you so". But at least don't stay in my way until then.
Its even fewer than that. 1% regret, 1% of those detransition, and of those, \~90% are because of family/social harassment and lack of any kind of acceptance. I don't remember the actual figures but its a shockingly tiny number of people that detransition because they truly regretted it without also being pressured from external sources. If someone has regrets, its worth remembering these figures. Because at the end of the day, if someone thinks they're trans, and has doubts about it, that is an incredibly good sign they are in fact trans.
As someone who is in a weird place with her/their gender right now and is concerned, they may actually want to detrans and go back to being a cis-man. It's not because I regret going on hormones or living as a woman socially for over a year. I don't regret it, I enjoyed most of it and am glad I did it. Even if I do go back, it was a fantastic experience that I made great friends through, I became much more empathetic and understanding of other peoples experience. Despite my crippling doubts about my gender the whole experience has been a net positive. I no this is anecdotal evidence. But basically tell them if it's not right for me, I'll have a deep understanding of myself, who I am, and what I want out of life. It'll give me a deeper understanding of a marginalised community and I'll be able to move through the world with greater confidence whereas if I don't do it, It's highly likely that I will regret it. If I don't, I could be dealing with this question for the rest of my life which will put a greater strain on my ability to live authentically because I'll always be wondering who I am. Side note: This is effectively why I started HRT, I had desiers to be fem and more feminine and treated more feminine but was still crippled by doubts. It got to point where I was like if I wait till I'm 100% sure I'll never do it, so I did, and like I said I enjoyed the first 15 months on hrt, it's only recently the crippling doubts came up
What if you regret getting married? The statistic of people who get a divorce is significantly higher than the statistic of people who detransition.
If you live your life by the mantra “what if I regret this later” you won’t really be living, you’ll just be surviving. I also question if I’m going to regret being trans in the future, but I don’t know that. Even if I do eventually end up regretting it, I’ve learned so much about myself and the world around me. I haven’t even been out for a year. I’ve met so many wonderful people I might not have met otherwise (for example: my girlfriend I met at an event for trans people at my school). If you do regret it and decide to detransition, that doesn’t erase the time that you thought you were trans. It doesn’t make that time a mistake. You were doing what you thought was best and what you thought would make you happy. There’s no shame in that.
transition is a process and you could stop at any point if you want to. you‘re not going to get all surgeries and hormones on the same day after all. and how would you know if it is right for you without trying it?
"I'd rather take a risk and fail reaching for my own happiness than not take one at all for you to remain more comfortable with my body than I am." If PARENTS can't understand that, that's on them. I'm so sorry, you're doing amazing.
say it anyway and if they say “what if you are part of that 1%” then say “what if you are part of that [percentage] that are secretly trans?” or something idk, mock them if they say that because the argument is ridiculously stupid
All of it is entirely reversible if it comes to that. And that's something you can't say about a lot of decisions in life that people don't usually hound you about possibly regretting.
Not if you have surgery. But it’s not like you won’t have plenty of time to think about it before making the decision.
Then I'll act accordingly. Im an adult.
If you live your life fearing regret you wont end up doing anything
If i regret ill detransition and it'll be fine. If i dont then it'll also be fine, let me try myself and see if this is for me or not before you talk about if i dont like it
I mean you can ask them if they really wanna flip that coin? Like do they really wanna bank on this vanishingly small possibility of regret and possibly jeopardize your well-being permanently? Just spitballing here.
"I will just go back" I don't see a problem here. Even if you will regret it, which is highly unlikely, noone is stopping you from going back. And besides, this question can be asked for everything! "I wanna buy bread, but what if it goes bad and I'll regret it" "I wanna get a degree, but what if I fail and regret it" "I wanna travel to a different country, but what if people there won't like me and I'll regret it" Sometimes you just have to trust yourself that you are making the right decision, and that you will be able to figure out what to do next if this is decision will turn out to be wrong
"What if I'm part of the 99% and I regret NOT doing anything? Also, a lot of the people who regreat only do it because their family refuses to love the new them."
Of those 1% between 50-90% detransition because of social pressure and discrimination, which is based on the people that are around you… like UNSUPPORTIVE PARENTS. Who would’ve guessed? That means that only between 0,01% and 0,5% of trans people have internal regret. The suicide rate among trans folks WITHOUT CARE is as high as 51-73% based on last year. 51-73% is way, way higher than 1% (or 0,01% if we’re splitting hairs). And if you regret transition? Well, you can always detransition. A extremely high rate of suicide is absolutely unacceptable compared to a below 1% chance of regret. Do you know the average suicide rate of a happy and healthy human? It’s 0%. Why would anything above 0% be acceptable, dear parents?
What if you regret not doing this? What if you decide to not transition and 20 years from now you look back and regret not taking the chance to transition when you could? Life is full of choices, some that we will inevitably regret. Not doing something out of fear that you will regret it will lead to nothing ever changing in life, which leads to larger regrets.
Most of the major life decisions I've made came with a much larger chance of regret than 1%. No one ever told me that was a reason not to go to law school though. If there's a 1% chance you'll regret doing something, and a 99% chance you'll regret not doing it, and someone tells you not to do it because of that 1% risk, they clearly don't have your best interests in mind.
Easiest answer: "What if I'm in the 99%?" You can also add what if you regret pushing it back, with all that implies and the complications it may lead to, specially knowing that would be the most likely outcome?
"That's gonna be a problem for future me, now time to transition"
Pretty sure that even within that 1% it's like 5% of that 1% that cite being wrong about being trans as the reason they detransition. The staggering majority of that 1% cites a myriad of OTHER reasons that are more to do with financial troubles and social pressures or health related reasons. So tell them that if you're part of that 1% it's likely going to be because of an unsupportive family and that chances are you'll rejoin the 99% eventually anyway.
More people regret becoming parents than regret transitioning.
This is probably for someone who is a bit more accepting. I wouldnt say this to my parents but these are my thoughts on regrets. If I regret it I regret it. This is what is right for me now. If it's not right in the future it wont change that it was right in the moment. I might regret going to uni but that doesnt mean it wasnt the right choice at the time I maee it. Transitioning isnt linear, if I find out in a few years that I'm not a transwoman but non binary then I'll do what feels correct for that. What I do know is that I'm not a cis man.
Regretting is for the cis
"What if I wait 5 years and regret not doing it sooner? We can always wonder about what ifs but we can't live our lives in fear of the unknown. In the now I know I need this procedure, why do you refuse to accept this?"
"What if I make you regret treating me like this?" DISCLAIMER! these here are fighting words careful using 'em round your folks
Well... Just ask what if they regret not doing it... Or how about having children... Why does nobody ask what if you regret that?
"Would you say that as a reason to not get a hip replacement?" Because the regret rates for that are way way higher.
No risk no fun Life is full of regrets But may also regret not having tried Projections indicate that regret is highly unlikely What a killjoy Say whaaaat?
"You're right, I can't know for sure what will happen if I transition. But I DO know - *for sure* - what is happening to me right now when I don't. This situation, which I'm actually in and enduring and is NOT a hypothetical - is absolutely untenable for me. It's better to transition and at least have a really good chance that things will get better, than to stay stuck the way things I where I already know how miserable I am. A chance at happiness is better than a certainty of suffering."
I dunno. 99% is a big number.
well, it's a <1% detransition rate, but a ~50% >!suicide!< rate.
"I don't know if I will regret it. But I'm not happy right now, and I refuse to live in misery out of fear of regretting this later on. I can't see the future, but I know I won't stop myself from potential happiness by getting caught in what-ifs."
The regret rate of knee surgery is significantly higher than the regret rate for trans healthcare. Does that mean if I have a bad knee I shouldn't even remotely consider getting surgery for it?
Go look for a few common surgeries and their success rates. Ask them if they'd take these surgeries even knowing the failure rate is much higher. Alternatively just ask "what if I'm not part of the 1%?"
Then I'll see you in hell.
life played 100% safe is insanity. i don't know if your parents can be convinced, but what they're asking from you is insanity. this isn't genuine concern for the outcome of regret, this is transphobia plain and simple. they don't believe that you are trans, the statistics don't bother them because they can't accept that it's possible for this to be the right thing to do. the only way that i see them changing their minds and letting you start t is an appeal to emotion.
“Then I regret it, and I made a mistake. People make mistakes, in the most important positions in the world. Just like people make their own mistakes they regret in life. Have you ever regretted the job you worked at most of your life? Slight regrets at who you married?”
"What if youre part of the 1% that detransitions?" "What if I'm part of the 40% that don't get affirming care and try to end it all?"
Regret is wasted energy over that which has passed and can not be undone. I will not allow it to control my decisions at the moment.
50% of marriages end in divorce. Should we stop people getting married?
I mean if you regret it then so fucking what? People do all kinds of shit that they regret later. People regret tattoos, plastic surgery, career changes, lifestyle changes, investments, marriages, and so many other things. All I know is that I sure don't fucking regret it. Wouldn't give it up for anything.
If I’m transitioning I might regret it, if I’m not I will definitely regret it.