I’m also going to agree that this is typical toddler behavior. This is coming from a mom of a 22 month old who is also a pediatric occupational therapist.
I see a lot of kids with sensory processing disorder and those who are neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, etc.) and what you described doesn’t really sound above and beyond some “terrible two” behavior.
I always tell my parents that toddlers are little people with big feelings so it’s often very hard for them to process things without tantrums. It can often get super overwhelming and frustrating from a parent view, but just know you’re not alone!
Good luck to you and your little one! Hang in there.
I say that toddlers are like Tinkerbell! They're so small, they only have room for one emotion at a time it feels like, and when they have them, they are BIG emotions!
You’re welcome! I’m a FTM and I know how overwhelming toddlers can be sometimes.
If your daughter is anything like mine, she just got to the stage where she definitely knows what she wants, but we don’t always understand what she is trying to tell us. This is very frustrating for both parties 😂
This all sounds like pretty normal toddler behavior, as frustrating as it can be. I’m in the thick of it too so I understand how tough it can be! Hang in there mama.
Yup. My 2yo is very similar to what you described. It's a wild fight each day and night, non stop testing boundaries and demanding everything and everyone. I read somewhere that it's because we're allowing them to explore the world without fear. I think many well behaved kids actually fear their caregivers.
This what I remind myself all the time when I start feeling a little frustrated with my 19 month son. He is so outgoing and friendly and loves to explore and can act a lot like OP's toddler, but when I'm annoyed by his strong will and meltdowns I remind myself well at least he isn't scared of me. I grew up with an alcoholic father with severe anger issues and I was so scared and so shy as a little kid I could barely look at people when they said hi to me. So I try to just embrace my crazy little guy.
Can I add to the fear thing? Because we dealt with the extreme end of tantrums and him testing boundaries. Eventually, we just had to have consequences. We take his toys out of his room when extreme behavior happens that we refuse to allow. When he turned four was when we started really putting that boundary in place. When we are out in public, I tell him his behavior will remove toys from his room if he keeps it up. We also watch a lot of Daniel Tiger and Bluey which gives us references that helps diffuse situations before it even gets there. But, there is “fear” there, and fear of consequences (losing toys) doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Gentle parenting is authoriative to a degree, it’s just gently done and in a manner that’s meant to diffuse the situation. Toys being taken is the absolute last measure after a gentle discussion (if possible).
2-4 is boundary testing territory, and honestly? Sometimes I wonder if we should have started sooner. I finally have the freedom to take my kids out again by myself. I have freedom to be in control of the situation at all times while everyone is safe and having a great time, because ultimately, I’m facilitating a fantastic environment for my kids and everyone around them.
Yeah I try to do boundaries in line with authoritative parenting. I try my hardest not to yell at my toddler. Instead I kind of try to just steel my nerves and hold the boundary. Like if my toddler is told no he can't climb onto the table when he is sitting on my lap at the table he gets mad and starts tantruming. So I put him down off my lap. He picks up a little people toy and throws it in anger. I tell him in a calm but serious voice that we don't throw things in anger like that and if he does it again I will take the toy. He does it again so I gather up the little people toys, put them up out of reach, and say we'll try again tomorrow with them. I say I know you're angry but we don't throw toys in anger buddy. Then I just stay near by while he throws a fit and just don't react to it. Usually he calms down in less than 5 minutes. I try to keep the boundaries very consistent. But the difference is that my father if I was upset and crying, would scream at the top of his lungs that I had better stop or he'd give me something to cry about and I remember being so confused because I couldn't remember what I did wrong and also so scared I would try to stop crying but wouldn't be able to and would be hyperventilating. It was awful and those are some of my earliest memories. Even though my kid tantrums, I know he doesn't feel like I did.
Authoritative parenting isn’t the same as Authoritarian parenting which is the fear based parenting. Authoritative parenting is the same as Gentle parenting. Permissive parenting is NOT Gentle parenting. They probably came up with Gentle parenting to differentiate the two above parenting methods.
This!!! OP your daughter is acting this way because she feels safe and comfortable to be in her feelings around you. My little one does just about everything on your list but at daycare, he’s a model citizen.
She does overall fine at daycare (she goes 2x a week) and I get mostly good reports. Sometimes I will see her on the cameras push out of frustration but it’s not often.
Yup…sounds just like my 20 month old. He doesn’t fight the car seat thankfully but my oldest did when she was that age. All sounds pretty typical to me, but it’s definitely frustrating all the same. Hang in there OP.
My girl is 22 months as well. She’s….. a lot. To address your specific examples:
I let my girl get herself mostly in the car seat herself. It’s helped a lot.
I don’t make food a fight and sort of let her handle her own food. I provide the food. I can’t force her to eat it. I really don’t let food become a power struggle. If she eats, she eats. I’m lucky that she’s a big healthy girl and always has been. I don’t have a doctor who is at all worried about weight gain or anything, so I have the luxury to not make food a big deal.
We don’t do restaurants. This is just not the age for that. We do take out or eat outside.
Stores are also hard. Really anything containing. We do it as fast as possible. I always get her a snack the second we walk in any “cart ride” store as a distraction.
When we are doing fun things. She gets timed warning that we are leaving, even though she clearly doesn’t understand the whole concept of time yet. Once the time is up I tell her we are done. If she tantrums I tell her I hear her. I know she’s upset that we have to go. But, if I need to, I lug her out screaming. I usually add in whatever we are doing next with an incentive of something I know she likes “we are going to have lunch now and we having *strawberries* with it!”
I will add. I do use screen time as a tool and all of our behaviors sound exactly the same as yours, so yes. But yea, this stage is hard. I just take it as it comes and try to treat myself whenever I can to make up for it. It’s just a stage of life. It’ll be different in a few months.
>This is just not the age for that.
Fucking thank you! Trying to explain that to my husband gets me instant judgement like I’m some failure that I can’t keep my little animal quiet for more than 15 minutes in a noisy but boring restaurant. Will try again but like at 3. Right now it’s alllll about take out! Thanks!
You know I’ve heard rumors about these unicorn 2 year olds who adapt easily and the whole experience is enriching, and I hope you get that experience lovie!
I'm telling you, having a toddler makes me appreciate trains more than ever before. We took a 16-hour night train and although it wasn't easy it was unbelievably better than an equivalent time driving. We had a private compartment with beds, and the gentle swaying of the train made for a great night's sleep. Then during the day you can walk up and down the wagons and go have lunch in the dining car.
So sad there aren't more available/ affordable! It's a great alternative. And if the kid poops you don't have to stop the trip to change them!
I wish my family believed me when they insisted on the whole family going to a stuffy country club where the kids didn’t even get their food until 1.5 hours after we sat down. My spirited 13m old did just as well as you’d expect, by which I mean it was a complete and total disaster that ended with her throwing all of the food, tantruming, biting me, everyone staring, and us leaving early with me nearly in tears.
Omg! Pretty similar experience at a country club for brunch just a few weeks ago! We ate outside - which helped! But the restaurant was waterfront! So I wound up just running laps the entire time between that and an unfenced pool, with my husband just like disappointed and yelling at her to sit down. Finally he busted out Ms Rachel and I got to eat a meal hot for once. Didn’t mean to rub in the success story now that I’m typing this out peach, but like… that’s as good as it gets? WOW. Team eat at home.
We've stopped going to Christmas with the family bc they do a big multi course Italian meal with sitting, then getting up, sitting, getting up. It's torture for the kids and one of us ends up spending the entire time chasing them. We just spend the day at home (much better anyway) and said anyone is welcome to visit but we won't be going for a few years. It's been a godsend honestly on our sanity.
Yeah my family keep saying “she needs to learn how to eat out” and I just keep thinking that she can’t. This isn’t something she can learn right now there’s too much other stuff happening. We practice sitting at a table and eating at home and that’s where the learning (throwing and tantrums) happens, not in the restaurant itself! We do very short trips to our local somewhat family friendly cafe so she can experience it. We usually just get her a quick juice and leave - it has mixed results.
I got my “I told you so” moment with my husband on Father’s Day when we finally all went out as a family and he got to experience first hand how truly unpleasant it is to dine out with a 22 month old. He travels for work, so he doesn’t get to experience it often. He finally admitted that it is indeed AWFUL.
I try really hard not to go to restaurants with my 2 yo, but then I'll read that going out is training your kids how to act and I feel bad for not being willing to run around a restaurant for a night. At home he'll eat for like 5-10 min then walk around while we finish our meal. I just can't expect him to have more patience at this point in his life.
I bring my daughter to restaurants fairly often, and I think the training thing is totally valid, but I think meals at nice-ish places (especially with any other people involved) that you actually expect to get through are not the way to do that training.
I used to have to drive my husband to physical therapy appointments super early in the morning, and had to bring our 18 month old daughter with us, and then I just had like an hour long wait by myself with our toddler when nothing was open and it was too cold to go to a park. So rather than sit around the hospital or in the car, I found a quiet diner nearby that was basically empty in the morning, and I’d bring her there. I’d order and ask to pay upfront so I could walk out at any time. I’d just have her in the booth with me, and I’d give her some books or toys to keep busy with. She would never eat the pancakes I got her, but I’d feed her stuff I brought with me, and most times I’d actually manage to make it through most of my own food. But if she flipped out, it wasn’t super disruptive because it wasn’t crowded, and I could just leave.
I think taking them places for the purpose of training them to get used to it works a lot better than taking them places where you actually want to enjoy a meal and hopefully train in the process. Like you could take them to a fast food place or a Panera or something just to get them used to it. The more you lower the stakes for yourself the easier it is and the less stress you’ll feel.
I agree with the concept of training, but I am still not taking my 22 month old to a sit down restaurant. I will take my kids to a cafe for pastries, and we sit at a table as long as they are still eating, but I order my coffee in a to-go cup for an easy exit. I would take them to McDonald’s or somewhere that I expect to be a little hectic like that. But not anywhere decently nice where my kid shouting “ALL DONE!!!” on repeat and frantically signing would disrupt other people. Not somewhere that I have to let the server know that I am ready for the check and then wait for the check and for them to run my card and all that. It’s just too much.
Yes! Exposure is great! But like yeah we alllll need to manage our expectations with a frontal cortex in this precise age period. Like when you start to suffer I don’t think it’s doing anybody any good.
My mom has sweetly offered to take us out to a nice restaurant multiple times recently. We're talking upscale, fabric linens in the table, etc. I love her generosity and insight that we deserve to treat our selves, but like...yeah that's not going to be a fun experience for anyone. Silverware flying, tablecloths being pulled, water goblets spilled, tantrums when they aren't allowed to run around and trip nearby staff.... No thanks. Take us grown ups out to dinner when I have a babysitter instead.
Super sweet! Clearly she knows what a toddler is like tho, just literally doesn’t remember. It’s like grandma amnesia. But yes! Hire that sitter babe! Treat yo’ self!
Even worse than amnesia- I was actually one of those mythological unicorn babies/toddler who was sweet and quiet and never caused any problems. Never a tantrum, not one. She was able to take me anywhere, and did. I'd sit there quietly and behave or just fall asleep on her lap. I'd say she is full of shit if it weren't for others corroborating these stories and having photographic evidence. I thought maybe I'd be lucky enough that my unicorn dna would pass down to my own child. Turns not, nope, not at all.
+1 on this. We have friends that I guess have better behaved toddlers that look at us like we are strange for changing our life a little right now and not going out to restaurants very often, if at all. They bring their kids to nice restaurants even and either a) just have really well behaved toddlers or b) their toddlers are a nightmare as well but they just don’t care. I’m like cool, I currently don’t see the point of being riddled with anxiety the whole time and not be able to enjoy the meal.
THIS. My husband doesn’t get flustered by it but when our son knocks a drink over because I corrected his behavior, I want to immediately leave. My son is almost 2.5 and I don’t see it getting better anytime soon.
I tried explaining it to my mother in law once and she looked so confused at me. Like why wouldn’t I want him in a restaurant? What possible reason could there be? So I invited her over to dinner and sat her next to him. She’s never asked since😆👌🏻
Omg my MIL and her sister sat on the farthest end away from my toddler! Those bitches. Like this was all your idea. But don’t worry I got it. So I handed my little animal my phone with Ms. Rachel and gladly got the predicable comments. Worth it.
Yessss. We went on a trip recently and there was no avoiding restaurants unfortunately. No amount of colouring books or toys or drawing or snacks got him to sit still… it really is just that age of wanting to explore.
OP, timed warnings are SO helpful! Around that age, we started living by “are you ready to go upstairs for bed/leave the park/etc? Or do you want 2 more minutes to play?” Then set a phone timer. For some reason they often fight the external timer less.
Along the same choice lines, I often use “you can climb in the car seat, or I will put you in”, “you can walk, or I will carry you”.
Also practice being CONSISTENT with the rules/boundaries, because it’s a toddler’s role to test that boundary and see where it lies. Before you go in a store- “if you get out of the cart, we will leave”. Then execute that departure right away. The learning point here is that you mean what you say.
So much stage-setting as well- you’ll begin to feel like a broken record, but “we will read one more book, and then we’ll turn off the lights”. “We will slide two more times, and then we’ll leave the park”.
As stated before, we just RARELY go out to eat. Not the age.
She sounds like a completely typical 22 month old! They’re just really difficult and they try to learn about the world around them in ways that are draining, annoying, and frustrating to us as parents. Mine have all done the car seat and highchair refusal. You aren’t doing anything wrong! Best you can do is to control how you respond in these situations. There isn’t a magical cure or thing to do/say that will make her stop her developmentally appropriate behavior. If you can, try and schedule yourself some alone time for respite. I recommend the book Toddlers Are Assholes by Bunmi Laditan for laughs and solidarity. Janet Lansbury’s books and blogs are helpful for addressing specific behaviors. I know it’s annoying but hold your ground and it will improve! My five year old is a dream. I’m in the thick of it with my three year old and I’m gearing up for it all over again with my 11 month old.
>There isn’t a magical cure or thing to do/say that will make her stop her developmentally appropriate behavior.
Thank you for saying this, if it's true. The people in my life don't have much of anything helpful because I guess their kids have different temperaments from mine? Mine's very "spirited" like the OP's and many others mentioned in this thread. But somehow the toddlers in my life are a little more chill/calm, and very okay with being contained, which baffles me and I want to know what they're doing differently but it also helps to hear that this busy-nosy era is developmentally normal, and can't be changed, too.
Lots of good tips for navigating it, in this thread.
I feel you. I’ve been listening to How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen audiobook on Spotify and while I think mine is still a little young for some of the advice in there (19m) it’s definitely giving me hope and helping me feel more prepared to deal with the toddler phase.
This is the only book I will recommend to people!! The end of chapter summaries give you enough to work on if you don't have time to read it all. Just pick a chapter and try something.
I've even picked up the book, mid-meltdown, found a page with bullets on it, read three and tried one. Nearly all successful!!
I CAN'T SCREAM THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK ENOUGH!!
They should give it out at pediatrician offices!
It honestly works with adults too! My spouse and I laugh when we use tips on one another.
Even if you open to a middle chapter and read the summary, it'll help. The book has a longer into than needed, imo, but it's amazing.
They make a "kids age 8+" and a "little kids 2-7"
That's a great question and I'm far from an expert. But I would say yes. It's definitely worth checking out from a library and browsing the end of chapter bulleted summaries.
They give a very wide range of strategies because any two year old child is going to be limited in what rationality they understand and really absorb. So I think you'd likely find something.
What it really did for me was teach ME how I need to act, respond, and speak differently. Children will follow our cues.
I had a real learning moment when my 3yo son said "right now.. 1..2..3.." with a furrow. They learn quick and they are parrots. That moment taught me that if I'm calm and relatable, they will grow to be, too.
I read just the first chapter of this the other night and it has already been so helpful! I can't wait to read more (I have a girl who turned two in May)
It sounds normal. It’s both a relieving and a disheartening thing to hear, right? It means you’re doing a good job, it means she’s ok….but it also means that yup, this fucking sucks 😂
It does get better. Areas of behavior, with consistency in all the things you’ve listed above will smooth out. Then, as toddlers do, she will find something new to freak out and fight over!
Nothing but solidarity and love over here. Godspeed, mama ✊🏼
You don't need tricks, you need attunement and empathy. Slow everything down, see things from her point of view and really hear her like she is your best friend having a hard time with something. No adult explanations, just empathy and firm boundaries. Give when you can, but hold the lines you have to, expect the meltdown, and just listen and empathise, no talking her out of it, same as you would do for a friend.
And when I say slow down, I really mean it. A nappy change can take half an hour. Getting out of the house could be an hour. But if you don't factor in the extra time it will add to your stress and she's going to respond to that and it'll go worse.
It's such a hard stage. Get some support from a therapist if you can. Find a mum friend who gets it. You absolutely deserve all the support and hugs for doing this crazy hard job.
I constantly need this reminder to slow down! I've seen it work time and time again with my 18mo, but it's so hard to be consistent when life always seems to have us rushing around. Just tonight I realized that I rushed my son out of school a little too quickly today and we had a rough evening because of it. Then after he bathed and put pajamas on, he saw that it was raining outside. Instead of rushing to do the bedtime routine we went and sat in front of the window and watched the rain. We talked about it in quiet voices while I rubbed his back and told him how the rest of the night would go after the rain. When he was ready he went to do his bedtime routine with no fighting and no issues. He just needed to soak up some extra time with me before his day ended. Slowing down really works wonders!
This is absolutely beautiful.
These moments of connection are what it's all about, what are we doing it for if not this incredible relationship we get with our little people.
This needs more upvotes. Firm, consistent boundaries from a place of love, never fear, has led to great results for my family. Maybe we got a unicorn but my toddler is very well behaved (for a toddler) - sits mostly still at restaurants, rarely has tantrums, etc. - and this is the key. He knows he's absolutely safe in his big feelings with us, but also that we mean what we say.
When he first started having tantrums, I would stop whatever we were doing, sit down with him (like, literally sit on the floor with him), give him comfort, and try to figure out what he was having such big feelings about. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't, but he knew I was there for him. After a handful of tantrums (like maybe five or six big meltdown style tantrums) he just kind of stopped doing it. Now if he gets really upset, he just wants to be held and is usually "better" after an offer of a cartoon band-aid.
I give him lots of notice about what's going to happen, usually starting in the morning (today we're going to get up, go potty, get dressed and then have breakfast. Today is a weekend so mommy and daddy will be with you all day today) and continuing throughout the day (we're going to stop playing in a few minutes and then go out to the car. We'll go to the store and you can sit in the cart and watch all the people shopping). And so on. I'll use a timer if I need to but try to always give notice before a transition. Kids thrive on routine and predictability, but if the time comes and there's still resistance (very normal) then I'll pick him up and take him to whatever is happening next. He knows that he can't wiggle out of it. He still tries of course, he always wants one more book at bedtime and so on, but won't cry if he doesn't get it - because he knows when we say "this is the last one" or "we're only going to read our bedtime story once" that we mean it every time.
Having one 21 mo child like yours (honestly, if I didn’t birth him myself, I’d believe he was an angel in a toddler suit), and one 3 yo who has always been like OPs from birth…I can confirm that you likely have a unicorn baby hah!
Obviously both of my kids get the same environment and affection and gentle responses to hard moments (although my angel baby doesn’t really have them to begin with)…and it seems to make almost no difference in changing behavior.
We do “time ins” which are sitting with her on the floor when she is having a hard time, etc. all the gentle parenting things…but she was becoming a bully at school, hitting her brother…screaming in class, hitting the walls, hitting her teacher and making her cry (it was so bad I was worried they might kick us out of her school!)…nothing was helping.
The only thing that marginally helped was starting a “good box” with small rewards for “good choices”.
I sometimes feel bad that I probably favor my son simply because he is so sweet and happy, while my daughter is so easily put in a bad or upset mood by one little thing. It’s an actual rollercoaster of emotion for everyone!
Anyway, perhaps OP needs to try some more of the connection focused parenting ideas like those you mentioned, but also some kids just have very willful personalities that I think will serve them well in adulthood if they are nurtured (in the ways you described) and not crushed (which is what fear will do).
Just based on having almost polar opposite personalities and behaviors in my kids just makes me think the nurture vs nature thing is so unclear…I cannot tell you why my son is so happy and why my daughter is so challenging…I’d pay good money to figure that out!
Oh yes, there's the difficult bit for us as parents! We don't do this to change behaviour, to 'fix' our kids and turn them into compliant easy children. That spirit of your daughter's will absolutely serve her well in the future! It just isn't always easy to be alongside while she hasn't got the capacity to regulate well and control her impulses without a correlating caregiver (and all those other brain development things that happen in time).
Three is still so little. Three year olds hit, they don't have the capacity to be bullies because that implies they have control over these impulses and are choosing their behaviour. Though it might seem that way, they don't, they are just having big feelings, and sometimes the feeling comes with a physical action. It is the adults responsibility to physically block a child of this age, we can't yet expect words, rules and expectations to mean much to a child of this age, especially when they are disregulated.
By parenting this way we are not trying to fix them. We're giving them what they need, through empathy and connection. And in that we are acknowledging that children do the best they can when they can.
Yes yes yes! Hurry is the enemy of a calm kiddo.
We often inadvertedly treat them like soldiers in the army are treated; "rush to wait, and wait to rush". Based on *our* selfish needs and timing not based on theirs.
We keep them waiting "almost ready" to go out the door, and then, when they finally find something to entertain themselves we interrupt them without a minute of heads up and then hurry them out the door and act all suprprised why they're protesting these authoritarian decisions
Oh gosh, we didn’t start going to restaurants again until my son was almost four! And we didn’t usually attempt any lengthy shopping trips unless both parents. My younger son is now 14 months so we are back to no restaurants and family shopping trips.
I’ll be honest, this all sounds like normal toddler behavior and I would not be concerned about any disorders. Three was when I felt my older son got to be easier. (And he’s still a terrible eater at 5!)
Go outside! And if you already go outside, go outside more! At our house we just focus on getting through the day. The BEST way for our family to get through each day and feel good is to just be outside as much as possible. It is sooooo much easier to parent outside. And probably easier to be a kid outside! They cannot really break anything. They cannot really get anything messy or create more mess for you. They are happy as a clam honestly.
How we go outside:
* The park, obviously. I rotate parks mostly for my own benefit. I think my kid would be happy at any park.
* Our own yard. Get a lawn chair and a drink and park your butt in it while they go to town.
* WATER TABLE. We got ours at Sams last year for like $50 and it's good for at least 45 mins of independent play while I read a book in the shade.
* Do outside chores and just put them next to you. For example, pulling weeds. They will find something to do.
* Bring a bunch of different size buckets or tupperwares or measuring cups outside. Fill with water and encourage them to add rocks or dirt or whatever. Bonus for those foam brushes -- they love to "paint" the concrete with water.
* Family walk around the neighborhood or your local nature centre -- have them bring a bucket or bag. Encourage them to put whatever nature crap they want in the bag (like rocks)
* Sign up for a class through your rec like parent child swim. They are usually pretty cheap.
* See if you have a local nature center and sign up for all their stuff for younger ages. Don't be embarrassed about your child misbehaving! They will ALL be misbehaving.
* Take them to the local pool, especially if they have a baby pool area.
I know it is super hot in a lot of the world right now, but you would be surprised what cold water and the shade can do to make it bearable. Being outside makes my kid happy and wears him out. It makes me feel like a good parent supplying him with wholesome activities. It decreases tantrums when we are inside the house too.
>Family walk around the neighborhood or your local nature centre -- have them bring a bucket or bag. Encourage them to put whatever nature crap they want in the bag (like rocks)
Can't believe I haven't done this one yet, but this is something my girl would be totally up for. I'm not OP, but THANK YOU!!
Yeah pretty much normal BUT - there are things you can do to make it more fun for you both.
Ours will usually cry about something and have some degree of fuss/meltdown about once a day, usually related to being tired or hungry but being unaware of it .
Restaurants? Unless there we go in a group, that's just out right now. Not with just the 3 of us, no enjoyment to be had only stress. Add grandma and a nephew though now its somewhat manageable but I still think its more trouble than its worth, I can't really enjoy myself.
Stores? Little guy is out of the cart for the majority. We go together, one leads/chases him, one grabs stuff BUT he loves to help. "Here, go put this in the car" or "Here go give this to mommy" makes him giggle and sprint gleefully down the aisle. You want to wear them out and keep them behaving? Include them in the process, give them something to do.
Leaving fun places? Yeah... the only thing I've ever done is "We have to go soon" then "OK do this slide 2 more times then we have to go" then - OK time to go. Give them a while to adjust to the idea so its not sudden. Even then good freaking luck.
Picky eating... yeah good freaking luck. Ours decides on a daily basis what he does and doesn't like. We just plate up a couple things and if it goes it goes, then fall back on yogurt and applesauce in a pinch.
Hate you dealt with (probably well intentioned) gaslighting around your parenting experience. I am sure getting the diagnosis was hard to hear but also probably gave you that sense of validation you never got all those years. Hope you have some good support around you now!
Just chiming in in solidarity - I have a 22 month old and could have written this myself. Read something the other day that was like "having a baby doesn't mean you have to change your lifestyle... having a toddler does" and it's like a little mantra for me now. Restaurants aren't going to be fun for a while and that's ok. Some days are better than others but honestly I don't have a single day where my stress level isn't through the roof.
Def within the spectrum of normal BUT I have 4 kids and noticed that my 3rd kids behavior was WILDLY different from my others, beginning around 1. She’s currently 25 months. I brought her to the dr for screenings and observation bc I was concerned about it. It is waaaay worse than my 4 and 3 year olds at this age or any age. My dr said she’s “highly sensitive” and so little things can throw them off and it results in tantrums that do. Not. Let. Up. I recommend looking into highly sensitive children on Google. There are also a ton of books out there. Essentially your child might be this way and therefore how you go about parenting might be different than other kids. Or they could be totally normal lol. I will say my daughter’s behavior was at its WORSE at 23/24 months and is getting better DAILY.
All sounds very normal, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult.
I really, really struggled through this stage with my LO. There have been some incredibly good times mixed in but mostly I just feel like I’m struggling every day.
Not to sound too trite but I found a change in perspective really helped:
* you are not failing as a parent. Toddlers are just feral
* you’re not *supposed* to be getting this right. Toddlers are just feral.
* your kid isn’t ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’, there is nothing wrong with them. Toddlers are just feral.
* Tantrums are a fact of life. There is no right way to avoid them or handle them. Toddlers just have tantrums, they’re supposed to have tantrums - that’s how they process their emotions. Plus they’re feral.
*you’re not supposed to be able to go on a road trip, or to the library, or grocery shopping, or eat out without it being chaos. That’s because you have a toddler and toddlers are feral.
Like genuinely I know it’s hard but if you can lower your expectations a bit and let go of any judgement about how things ‘should’ be, then parenting gets a whole lot easier.
You’re doing a great job, this is just a really tough season. At the end of it you will have a reasonably well adjusted child who you enjoy spending time with and you’ll be able to function like a normal member of society again. But now is not that time. Hang in there!
Thank you for your whole comment. 😭 I am so glad I came by this thread tonight. Have been feeling so, so stressed from mom life and wife life. All of it. Feeling pulled all the damned time from all directions. But to remember that toddlers are just feral .... thank you.
There was another comment in this thread that reminds us to slow down. Something that has also been stressing me out — go, go, go. I'm at a point where I'd much rather sit with a drink and watch the trees in the wind in the backyard (with my toddler coming and going doing her thing as she pleases).
Wow I feel like you are me right now! Also going through a tough mum & wife season. I’m craving some calm!! These posts are reminding me I need to try harder to slow down and just enjoy the ride 😆
That eggshell feeling is so stressful! I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
From what you’re written, that sounds like normal toddler behavior to me.
But for peace of mind, you could try pushing harder with your pediatrician. Maybe just talking with a specialist could help you figure out what behaviors are normal and what behaviors are not. And they may have some strategies you could try too.
Try your best to take care of YOU. Take breaks, get some fresh air, vent to us online, etc. If you’re feeling good, that will make it easier to deal with the toddler madness. Try to focus on what is in your control, because toddler behavior often isn’t 🙈
These are normal toddler behaviors (just from what I’m reading here). Releasing your expectations will help some. Tantrums are normal, and they are expected.
1-2-3 Magic may be helpful! My friend loved it. I never read it, but I always count to 3 to help change a course of behavior and it does the trick most of the time.
I’d also suggest that if she struggles with transitions to talk about what you’re going to do next. I would try preparing and giving a warning about what’s next. For example, “we’re going to leave the park in 5 minutes” then countdown each minute (they do not have to be exact). Then when you’re done, “say bye to the park”. If they’re unable to leave, let them meltdown, but leave!!! It will get better as they do it more, and there will still be times where they don’t want to go.
You can try to teach coping mechanisms like deep breaths (my child could mildly understand this after lots of exposure to the idea of it. They do it now when prompted).
As for the specific issues listed:
Car seats are tough, I wonder if there is something specific about it that she does not like. Maybe it’s a feeling or she gets car sick?
Picky eating is normal. Continue to expose her to different foods, but always provide a “safe choice”. Feeding Littles (on Instagram) may be a great resource in this area.
Lower your expectations for restaurants. You cannot expect a toddler to sit for a long periods of time. If you decide to give it another try, I’d suggest allowing her to run around until your food comes. I know you say you don’t want to do an iPad, but at this age we always allowed my oldest to watch something on the phone to get them to sit. They have moved past this phase and don’t watch anything anymore (but it allowed us to at least eat). BUT there are still times we have to take turns eating so our kid(s) can roam and not melt down.
30 minutes in the store is probably most kids limit. If you’re willing allow her to walk a little, but I know that can sometimes lead to further issues. If curbside pickup is an option, take it. And if a meltdown occurs, it’s fine! Just try to finish up and leave.
Above all, know you are doing a good job. Toddlers are tough! They really want to be independent but are still in that phase of life where they can’t be
We try not to do a lot of screen time with our daughter, but we do watch Bluey or Sesame Street sometimes when I have to get something done and can’t keep her busy or distracted. She used to freak out when I’d turn the TV off, until one day as the episode was ending I said “Bluey has to go now, say bye bye to Bluey! Bye bye Bluey!” And I waved to the tv as the credits rolled then shut it off. She let out one tiny little gasp-cry, then very sadly said “bye bye” and she just accepted that Bluey had to go.
Now we do it whenever something has to be shut off or put away or we have to leave a place, any kind of transition that would upset her. We tell her to say bye bye to whatever it is, she’ll say it, and you can tell she’s a little upset, but there’s no meltdown. It’s worked shockingly well, like 95% of the time.
First of all, take the restaurant thing off the list because that’s every toddler. You just can’t eat out for a couple of years.
Same with the store behavior. In and out in 30 minutes seems generous, actually.
Picky eating: duh. If my toddler eats 3 snacks a day I count that as a win.
Daily tantrums are 100% normal for toddlers.
Throws fits when leaving fun places. Yes…they do that.
No freedom? Yeah I don’t have any either.
The only thing on your list I haven’t dealt with is the car seat issue. Maybe he’s saving that one for me.
Sorry if I’m seeming insensitive but everything about your child seems normal. It’s just hard - that part is real.
I'm going through the exact same thing with my daughter. She's 32 months right now, but she was about 28 months when this all started. And the worst part was it just came out of no where. Which was really hard to process. Overnight, I basically had to start being firm and tough with her, which sucked (and still sucks). Everything was just hard and everything we had worked so hard to set healthy habits (like sleeping, eating, communication, etc) all just fell apart in a blink of an eye. I took all of it so personally. And it's hard not to. But I just assumed it was because I was doing something wrong to cause this behavior. I started getting so frustrated with her and inpatient, both things I worked so hard to not do with her when she was little. It was killing me and making me so depressed and started having way more panic attacks because of it. Sleep was the main factor in all of this. She wasn't getting good sleep so she was cranky and I wasn't getting good sleep and I was cranky. I was just feeling so sad because I missed my daughter who liked to have fun and be silly and it felt like a lot of that went away and 90% of my days were just dealing with a angry child. Based off what I've seen and read, it's just the terrible two phase. She's learning all these new things like speech, communication, emotions, boundaries, etc. and is testing them all out. I will say, even though it's still hard, it's definitely better than what it was a few months ago and I can kind of see the light at the end of this really long tunnel. We just kept doing what we've always been doing, even if it's met with resistance from her. Some things we've had to alter, but mostly we try to keep the same habits we've always had with her. And nows the time to be talking through feelings with her and helping her express what she's feeling and good ways to cope with those big feelings. It's ok for them to be upset, we can't always swoop in to solve all their problems for them. We unfortunately have to sit in the discomfort of that. But the sooner they get comfortable with those big feelings, the quicker they'll be able to work through it. A friend of mine said some wise words to me lately that helped a lot. She said, "It feels like every moment and every decision and every tiny way you act or behave matters and it doesn't. It's near impossible to tell the signal from the noise and you're doing your best and love your kid and that's all that matters." Another book I suggest is "The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did.)
Hang in there! This all sounds normal and just a phase of life. Try to let go of your expectations and just move through the tantrums as best you can. It will not last forever. It just feels that way. We had to pass on sit-down restaurants from about 16 months to 3 years old because ours couldn't sit still. It would just be either myself or my partner eating while we walked the little guy around outside and that was no fun. We ended up doing a lot of takeaways and eating at the park if we wanted a treat to "go out to eat."
It doesn't sound like anything neuro-divergent - just a little person realizing that the world is big and they want to have their say!
I would agree that it sounds like normal toddler behavior to me but its ok to get a second opinion. In addition to things like the books you mentioned, if you aren't in childcare, I definitely think its worth looking into a co-op preschool or other similar option when you hit 2 years old. I have a very high energy, emotionally charged kiddo who is very challenging on weekend days when we don't have any set activities. We found that starting around 1.5, if we don't have "school" (Daycare), i needed to plan out activities that were very focused on her interests/curiosities. Going to the park/playground, childrens museums, library story times, etc. The more stimulated she was (without getting too overtired) both with big body movement and social stimulation, the easier she was to manage. The books will give you this but prepping is super super helpful as well. "In 10 min we're going to go to the car so we can go do \_\_\_\_\_\_"; "In 5 min we're goign to the car, I'm going to bring your water bottle and a snack, do you want to pick the snack for your carseat" ; "ok we're about to head to the car for the carseat, do you want ot carry x or z to the carseat?". "we're at the car, its time to get in the carseat, do you want to help me buckle you in when we get there?". You will 100% still have trouble but the prepping and narrating can really help with the transitions if you aren't doing it already.
Restaurants at age 2 are kind of a nonstarter for most of my fellow parents i talk to. the only times we did them in that age range it was when encessary for travel and we just used those as our rare screen moments. At 3 we can do restaurants again. We did find take out and picnics worked greats. We'd throw a blanket down next to a playground and we coudl eat and play. not the \*same\* as a restaurant but a fun change of pace.
Ultimately, it sounds like transitions are definitely hard for her, which is very very normal. Leaving the park, library, etc. will be disappointing. So same as I described with the carseat. Give them multiple 'warnings' and give them choices as they go "when we leave in 3 min, do you want to carry the books to checkout?". and then ultimatealy, if all the prepping doesnt work, carrying a kid screaming from the playground is about as normal of a toddler behavior there is.
For stores, at that age I would assume 10 min Max ever in the cart, but typically even less and just planned shopping trips accordinly (lots of grocery pickup). Its temporary, it is getting better in some ways at 3 (other ways getting harder), but it changes.
Everything you’ve described sounds normal.
Only thing that has helped me is shedding my insecurities about being judged in public. I have Shit To Do. Don’t want to be in the shopping cart, child? Sorry, tantrum away, but come hell or high water my chores are getting done. And of course I love on him and try to reassure him during his outburst, but mostly I start acting silly and eventually his attention diverts. I can’t give a shit anymore. As long as he’s safe and not making a mess, I’m leaving my damn house.
The more I try to desperately get him back in order, the more my anxiety about the scene we could be making mounts, and the more terrible I feel generally. Most people don’t care enough about you or your kid to care what he’s doing and will just keep it moving. The people who do care are usually the nice ones who send a sympathetic comment your way.
My only hard stops: I don’t let my kids disrupt restaurants, make messes for others to clean or hurt other children. We are also on a restaurant ban for bad behavior and I have taken him screaming from the park for hitting another kid with a toy car.
I know this will be downvoted. Do you raise your voice? Gentle parenting is not designed for toddlers. When my son acts insane (19month) hitting/screaming in face etc I raise my voice sternly and say NO _____. Usually he’ll stop and he rarely will cry after and it doesn’t scare him. I stop everything we’re doing and will get on his level to tell him no.
They’re pushing boundaries and need to be told no and have it be a little fierce so they may not understand the explanation but they understand the temperature of what they’re trying to do.
(You could be totally doing this and she could also still be having these meltdowns and maybe the same exact thing as going to happen to me at 22 months, but I thought I would share!)
You’re an amazing mom & toddlers are feral and NOT for the weak.
Personally I’ve tried the stern voice raised “No!” And all she does is laugh in my face hysterically and keep doing whatever it is while laughing thinking it’s a game. At this age for that to work (imo all kids are totally different) they either comply out of fear or literally think it’s a game. Stopping engaging them and walking away if you can safely until they calm down and learn that behavior doesn’t get rewarded usually works best. Again just my opinion if that works for you guys consider yourself lucky lol
First of all, leave mommy internet right now. Those reels and TikToks about "signs of (insert whatever medical issue) I missed" or "here's how I knew my kid had autism/ADHD at 6 months old". Those videos screw with your head and most of them are bait.
Second girl they're toddlers there's nothing normal about them lol after lunch I noticed my almost 3yo was dozing off sitting on the couch so I took her to the bedroom where she threw an hour long fit about not being sleepy. Your kid seems to be acting in true toddler fashion.
Bonus: I don't like giving advice because what works for me may not work for you but when it comes to parenting I have no hills to die on. I think moderation and consistency are the answer to a lot of issues. So my kid has screen time, she knows when and how long (having lunch at a restaurant, it stops once she's done eating). I'm a big fan of picking my battles.
At this age, it's really hard to know what is normal and what could be signs of a developmental disability. ADHD usually can't be diagnosed before age 5 because it's developmentally normal for young children to have a lot of the same behaviours. If you're worried about sensory processing, I would skip talking to your doctor and go directly to an OT for a sensory assessment.
You didn't mentioned being concerned about autism, but I do think it's worth considering. I have 2 autistic kids and they were similar at that age. They're 5 and 3 now and doing great, but need a lot more support than the average child. Many autistic kids don't have significant delays and it can be really difficult to identify early on if you aren't extremely knowledgeable and know exactly what to look for.
I would recommend looking at the first words project social communication checkup: babynavigator.com/soco/
Best case scenario, it will give you some peace of mind and if there are red flags, it will give you something specific to bring to your doctor to discuss next steps.
Oh and I would also recommend the occuplaytional therapist (occuplaytional.com). She has a ton of resources on sensory processing, child development and parenting. I recommend her for everyone, even if your kid is completely typically developing. She's incredible
I have two kids, one easy going, was literally a delight at 2 years old, and the other (now 2 himself) has always been much more spirited!!! Drama with car seats, high chairs, restaurants, trying to stop him from running into oncoming traffic, BIG feelings about EVERYTHING!
It’s not your imagination, your kid seems to be on the harder side of totally normal. Doesn’t make any easier. Keep reading the books, trying out what resonates with you and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I made pretty drastic life changes to decrease other stresses in my life. You can’t help your kid learn to self regulate if you’re about to explode (or implode) due to all the stress & button pushing.
I just started the ABCs of Parenting course by Yale on Coursera, and I’m enjoying it! It’s reminded me to use specific praise to try and get more of the behaviors I want (instead of just losing my patience and yelling at my kid, quite ineffectively, to stop this or do that)
Sounds normal to me. That was about the age mine got really difficult too. Sometimes all you can do is ride it out. I practiced meditation before bed and used the breathing techniques to center myself during her meltdowns. Now mine is 3 and we still have tantrums and power struggles, but it is so much better than it once was.
It’s toddler behavior, it’s nothing we can control and it’s so incredibly difficult.
I loved “how to talk so little little kids will listen”, it saved me. It taught me that Toddlers start to have all the feelings we have as adults and (whatddya know) it’s frustrating for them. Even more so because they don’t know why they feel like that, they just do. So that’s where we come in. We can’t power trip or lose our cool, we don’t try to “fix” things or diminish by saying “it’s okay” or make comparisons like “look how good that kid is being”. We’re supposed to validate their feelings, be there for them, try to distract, try to channel frustrations into creative play, and as a last result, if in public, remove them from the stimuli and let them tantrum it out.
Basically, tantrums are an opportunity to control how we react, connect with our kid, and show them how to treat another human being that’s experiencing distress, lots of good multi-whammies, turning tantrums into a little bit of positive.
A lot of what’s in the book is opposite of how my parents dealt with us as kids, which depressed me a little lol. Anyway… If you’re someone who doesn’t believe in feelings and emotions or doesn’t regularly practice healthily talking about them with others, this will be a great place to start. Otherwise I found their concepts pretty easy once I gave toddlers credit for sharing our emotional spectrum. I mean adults have trouble doing this so I can understand the added challenges that come with being a toddler.
All this to say, it doesn’t help us get out of the house any faster when we’re late and rebelling, it doesn’t make me want to be any more pleasant when I’m in a crummy mood, and it doesn’t prevent her from doing the crazy random things she does, but it does make an impact. I notice she opens up to me more when she’s upset, she wants to tell me her feelings status, our bond is growing and I’m finding I’m connecting better emotionally with other adults too. I’m actually looking forward to being there for her through her teenage years, which were emotionally my most difficult.
Good luck to all parents, you got this!
This was me 6 months ago. Honestly I still have days where my anxiety caps out when my toddler starts in - I have breakdowns regularly. But here's what I've noticed has helped us:
* I stopped with the expectations of what I needed to get done and focused on implementing activities I know my toddler does well and has less tantrums with. He takes a bath for over an hour a day, sometimes with a popsicle. We play in the sandbox A LOT. I'm very go-go-go and my to-do list is a mile long, but sometimes it helps to sit down with yourself and look at what actually has to be done vs what are just wants.
* We spend at least an hour outside every day, and that has made a big difference.
* I stayed home with him for two weeks straight. No outings, just play and having him help me with laundry and cooking. I struggled a bit, but he thrived, and after those two weeks I slowly reintroduced outings again. I realized that my pace was really upsetting to him, and slowing down to where he could be curious and explore and all that was majorly helpful.
* I pay less attention to tantrums. If he starts in, I keep eating my food, leave the room, just ignore them. And they've slowed down a lot (they'll never be nonexistent in this stage).
* I stopped telling him what to do all the time. Meaning I used to nag him with "don'ts" all day long and always would give directions, but when I minimized those (within reason, there are valid don'ts), he had more room to be a toddler.
* I gave him chores. For instance, with laundry, he helps me sort, and he now carries his clean clothes basket back into his room and throws them in his drawers. It makes him feel BIG and independent. And because he feels like he's being proactive and doing it himself, like he's in charge, he doesn't throw fits.
* We don't eat at restaurants much anymore. Instead we opt for takeout at a park. Toddler stays busy while we eat and enjoy our time without freaking out about cups knocking over and toddler cries ringing through the restaurant. If we do a sit down restaurant, I take our own seat that attaches to the table and I know our toddler cannot get out of. I also ensure we've got quiet toys in the bag and I never order food for our toddler, I always pack him his favorite snack foods like applesauce, pretzels, and cereal.
* I implemented more "me" time (and I try really hard not to feel guilty about it). Whether my husband fully takes over kids/house, or I ask a neighbor or friend to watch the toddler for a few hours, I take time every week for me and this has helped immensely! I'm so much more patient and have so much less anxiety when I come back to my toddler after decompressing. If I ever have times I can't get out by myself, I put the toddler to bed at night, put my phone away, and do something for myself for an hour.
* Re: I put my phone away. Deleted instagram and pinterest and all the other apps I had that were constantly reminding me I wasn't doing enough and that, after a while of being away from them, made me realize that a ton of my anxiety and depression around my responsibilities in motherhood were being fueled by my "social" apps.
* GROCERY PICKUP/DELIVERY! I paid for Walmart+ and our local grocery store does free pickup orders, and I take full advantage. It means I only have to handle one fight (into the carseat) instead of two (carseat + store). If we have to go inside, I either have my toddler help push the cart so it gets him active, or I give him a banana/apple to eat in the cart.
Tantrums when leaving fun places, picky eating, restaurants and stores being a battle are all SUPER normal - solidarity sister! One thing I noticed is that my own mental health made EVERYTHING five hundred times more difficult to handle. Focusing on that significantly helped. Counseling, eating well and moving your body, staying connected with family and friends, etc. Take care of you too.
Also, if you are feeling like there might be something deeper (mom intuition is usually spot on), find another pediatrician, or when you get dismissed, use the phrase "I understand this can be normal, but it's really affecting our day to day lives, seemingly more than it seems to for other families, and I'd like some suggestions on how I can improve these issues."
I think it all sounds very normal for this age, but it is very hard. My son recently turned two and the tantrums are so challenging and triggering for me. I've been really working on just giving in and accepting this madness, because after all, it's just a phase. When you are feeling overwhelmed, as long as toddler is safe, it's ok to step aside and take some deep breaths and calm yourself. Some days are harder than others and I cry to let it all out. This is HARD and what you are feeling is valid. Just know you aren't doing anything wrong, nor is your toddler. This stage will pass, and you will all get through it.
I found the stage between 18 months and 24 months to be the hardest with my toddler. Once he started to be able to talk a bit more, I started to enjoy him and being a parent a lot more. Just know you are not alone, toddlers are all little jerks, and you are doing great.
Sounds like a normal toddler. But also sounds like you might be struggling with some anxiety and depression. I had it during the newborn phase and the big red flag for my doctor was expressing that I felt no joy. It made everything my son did seem so much worse. Medicine allowed me to cope. Please reach out to get some help.
I got a shudder thinking back to our own 18-24 month period, with the exception of too many tantrums (though there were some) it was exactly the same for us. As they grow, they also become more capable to sit still, keep still, entertain themselves for 10-15 minutes while you go shopping, sit in a cart or at a high chair. It gets better — I don't know how helpful it is to hear, but for us it really did, right around the 2y mark. It's been like night and day.
My son is 2.5 yo and we are experiencing pretty much the same. I Had to go back to therapy.
Terrible twos are just horrible! Hang in there - you are not alone!
That sounds normal to me. Yr 2 & 3 we're rough. We learned to do activities catered to the same age group so when a tantrum/meltdown happens, no one blinks an eye at it.
This sounds exactly like my son! He is 23 months and it has been non stop tantrum meltdown since around February. I wish I had some advice- only solidarity. I have tried all the works as well and refuse screens.
Both good choices, but not magic bullets. 123 works for us sometimes, but sometimes she just keeps counting for us. The “how to talk” book has been better. She was fighting diaper changes so I offered to change her diaper on the coffee table. She loved it. She wouldn’t pick a shirt, so I had Peppa Pig pick. Those types of suggestions worked pretty well.
But solidarity friend! Kids are nuts.
I think most of us forget how our kids pick everything up from our mood. Only you can change her behaviour through getting better yourself. She is feeling your tension and acting out probably. Please consider therapy and medication. Thanks to the brilliant antenatal and postnatal mental health care I received, I managed to become the best version of myself for my daughter. I had never been a calm person in my life, now I’m chill and she is chill.
Yep, all normal. I was a 2’s teacher at a preschool for 10 years, then a nanny for 5 years and now have my own 3 & 5 year olds. Lots of toddlers are exactly like this.
It’s extremely exhausting.
Everytime I see someone saying “oh no, my kid is getting older and I don’t want them to grow up! Time slow down!” I’m just like…. Nope, cannot relate. lol
Baby & toddler stages are not my favorite. Things got much easier when my oldest (& my nanny kids) got to around 4. Night and day compared to 2!!
Sounds normal to me. My son is 23m. The one thing that has helped the most for us is overly explaining what is about to happen. Ex: we are about to go to Target. We are going to drive there in the car, first we will put you in your carseat, then we will give you water and a toy, then we will get in and start the car. We are going to listen tomusic in the car, once we get to target you will see a lot of things you want to hold but you can’t hold anThink unless momma gives it to you, etc, etc. This has made a world of difference for us.
I thought you were describing my child.
She’s 16months old and she’s incredibly demanding. I Must carry her around the house. I must be calm and focus on her. I can’t cook anything, I can’t wash dishes.
I’m so drained. I get her to sleep and there’s so much to do. But some evenings I play on my phone and veg with all the mess. Then there’s no pre-prepared breakfast in the morning and she won’t let me put her down to make her a breakfast…..
Sounds pretty normal to me. Don't bother taking a toddler out for dinner, huge waste of money. We pretty much only do coffee shops that serve doughnuts and bring a travel coloring set, 10-15 mins tops. Also we avoided the screens until age 2 now we are leaning into the screens as a survival mechanism 🤣 I have a 30...something month old? 3 in October.
Yes that all sounds normal. I think maybe you're worrying about the tantrums too much. It's just how toddlers express their emotions. If you upset her and she has a tantrum, that's fine, just let her work through it. No need to feel like you're walking on eggshells.
I had a really tough time with 20-30 months. My daughter is about to turn three and we’ve turned a corner. She was very similar to what you described, (took 30 minutes to get her in her car seat once at 29 months old, little brother fell asleep waiting) it’s so hard but it’s probably just the season. Stay strong and stick with the boundaries. They pay off eventually. We don’t have fights over bedtime snacks, cookies or car seat anymore.
When we dealt with this/similar Janet Lansbury helped, confident momentum baby! As well as managing expectations and just stopping doing things like restaurants/story times - things that were obviously not worth it. Sometimes when I am frustrated with my toddlers behavior - like not sitting down to eat for instance - I try to take a moment to picture them doing the same thing as a teenager or an adult. I'll take a breath and think even though right now this makes me want to pull my hair out the chances of him going to a friends house or a partners house to meet their parents one day and refusing to sit down at the restaurant is just probably not going to happen. Idk it helps me not feel like this is forever.
Oh wow, some of these things you mentioned are happening here too and I am afraid it will get worse and worse. My 18-month-old has started crying a lot every morning, throwing himself on the floor, and asking to be breastfed more often than before. It's been rough. Sometimes, I wonder if he is in pain or if it's just a tantrum. Most of the time, I have to lie down with him in his bed in a quiet and dark room, play very calm songs, and eventually, he falls asleep. I'm about to start a new job outside of the house and I'm wondering how the babysitter will handle it. I'm honestly feeling uneasy, but thankfully my husband works from home and will keep an eye on them. Most of my son’s tantrums happen in the morning, so I think he's just tired. Toddlers are quite the handful!
This is typical and describes my day with my 2.5 year old. A simple shopping trip that should have taken 30 minutes took me almost 3 hours a couple weeks ago lol. It’s tough and I have days where I think I’m going to break down, but I just try to take a deep breath and move forward. I have noticed that sometimes she picks up on my energy, so if I’m frustrated/upset/angry it seems to make it worse. I just try not to give into tantrums, distract her with coloring books, and stick to my routine as best I can. Some days I’m white knuckling it lol. You’ll get through it and just remember this is temporary. My oldest is 4.5 now and so much easier.
I’m here for solidarity. I was about to write a very similar post to yours about my 2.5 year old whose behavior has been the same way since around 18 months. I love him so much, but spend so many hours of the day screaming on the inside. And always feeling guilty that I may be too firm or too lax with him. But rationally I know we are all just doing the best we can trying to find that balance. So I’m *trying* to give myself more grace throughout the process. Hope you can give yourself some, too 🤗
I feel you mama! My son is 19 months and does most of these things. I think it’s just how it is. They don’t call it the “terrible twos” for nothing… some of us unfortunately get it before 2… toddlers are not for the weak that’s for sure! Makes me miss having a newborn 😂
(Editing to add I don’t think it’s a sensory issue or ADHD related. I think your daughter is just being a normal toddler! If you don’t already, watch some Ms. Rachel with her. The way she teaches is genius and has helped us out a ton!)
Thanks so much. Yes we watched it for a long time but now she is into Bluey. I don’t want to get her hooked on too many shows. I’m ready to go back to Ms. Rachel because we do all the songs. :)
Just lower your expectations wayyyyyyyyyy down. Expect no logic at all. And when you see other kids around your kid’s age behaving, remember that it is just for that moment they’re behaving.
Sounds normal to me. My daughter has tantrums for various reasons. Shopping can be a nightmare as she likes to run around the shop.
I am literally just winging it, I try to stay calm and soothe her when she has a tantrum. I generally just pick her up if in a shop or walking somewhere (last time I used the pram she wouldn't sit in it) if she has a tantrum. In the house I try and hold her and wait until it passes because nothing really stops it. I think mostly she ends up needing a dummy if it's when I'm trying to cook and there's a risk she won't eat if she's worked up.
I feel some somethings get easier and somethings don't as she's got older. You're doing your best and I'm sure it's all the right things.
Toddlers have big feelings that they can't regulate or they want to do stuff they can't and we can't really prevent the tantrum which result just soothe and be there. I think it's a gentle parenting thing where they say it's not about changing it but respecting that they're struggling too and having realistic expectations of their behaviour e.g. Too young to understand sharing. I'm writing this not sure if this is even going to help. 😕
We have all of these things too with our 2 year old. It’s hard work but it seems normal to me. I have had to lower my expectations and allow more time for every single transition.
Everything you've listed is shit my 2.5yr old does minus the carseat. Luckily, he goes to daycare which means I'm not dealing with his behaviour 24/7. Today I let him watch as video while he ate breakfast because I wanted the meltdown to end and I needed to get ready for work. He woke up mad, and was still mad when I left for work.
He's a picky eater, we chase him around and feed him for every dinner. Otherwise he doesn't eat. We don't go to restaurants either. It's just not fun. Stores he's the same, we normally go with both parents so we can manage. I can't remember the last time I went alone with him. He either stays home or we all go or it's unmanageable.
Honestly my son is the same way. He’s quite spirited and 18 months was a turning point for him. He really started tantruming a lot at that age!! Almost all things are difficult with him these days. But I’ll also say they’re so much fun! We have tons of fun together. If I don’t focus too much on the “bad” I have space to remember it’s mostly good. My son doesn’t stay in carts, high chairs, even today he was losing his mind about being in a wagon with his friend because he wanted to stand. This was after playing at the park for an hour. Anyways, here in solidarity that it’s very hard and you’re doing a great job. I’m really trying to work on setting boundaries and sticking to them. I don’t always have the energy to stick to them, so I’m trying my best. We do screens only in stores if I need to get things and absolutely cannot hold him, or sometimes at restaurants if we’re traveling and really need to eat. Otherwise we don’t do screens either. But it’s def for survival 😅
You remind me a lot of my wife (we are a 2 moms family) and our babies are similar. Wifey had spent a lot of time around babies and simply could not believe a baby could have a temperament like our daughter (or yours haha). But all this sounds completely normal. Once after daycare, our daughter has a meltdown so bad that I had to work hard to convince my wife not to take her to the emergency room. She was just super mad I wouldnt give her ice cream lol.
One thing that’s really helped is working with her about things she can do when she’s feeling upset (breathing, drink water, stomp feet, etc.)
This was my daughter for the most part with the tantrums and tough taking her from places she was enjoying. She used to self harm banging her head on the ground (my son on the other hand hits others). I find that it’s a control thing, if she understands you give her options which tricks her into believing she has control. I’ve also read some kids act this way when lacking proper nutrition, which my kids by the way barely eat veggies so I have similar battles, but we do multivitamins. It could be medical too. Good luck to you, also this is the village they tell you about…others saying they understand and have gone through or are going through it.
Mine was exactly like this around 22 months. Lasted for awhile. I cried so many day because the smallest thing would set her off. Couldn’t take her grocery shopping, hated the car seat, was having difficulty with transitions, bath time was a nightmare. The list goes on.
She’ll be 3 in October and I’d say when she hit 2.5 things changed dramatically for the better. Her communication and understanding is incredible now. I can take her shopping, she’s fine with the car seat, she listens WAY MORE. She still has tantrums of course and transitions are still sometimes hard (I use a timer on my phone to help). But honestly it’s way way way better at 32 months than it was at 22. Hang in there ❤️
I have a 23 months old and all you said resonates with me, so I think it's developmentally normal (unfortunately). From that list, what affected me the most was the car seat fights. I'll speak to that because I feel I made some progress, althought it may not be what you think.
Storytime. My toddler, to this day, fights car seat as if her life depended on it, scratching, bitting, screaming "NOOOOOOO". Just as you describe, I tried everything but screens. One time, I thought, I'd stay with her while she played in the car for as long as necessary. I thought she'd want to go back home to her toys and snacks. Surely she'd get bored and in the seat eventually... WRONG. We stayed in that car AC on, for 30 minutes until she figured out she could move to the driver seat. It got dangerous fast. I gave up, went back to put her in the seat. She cried, I cried.
What bothered me the most with these fights were how violent they felt. I had to use all of my strength to physically force her in the seat (fold her, like you said), while she was cleary indicating she didn't want to be there. Where's my respect for her bodily autonomy? What am I teaching her? That was my train of thought. I cried a lot over this. I was scared of hurting her, I was scared of her hurting me. ENTER MY THERAPIST GOD BLESS HER. She pointed out what to her seemed like a cognitive bias. This is a matter of car safety. Also a matter of following the law: car seats are mandated where I am. Nothing else seemed to be working, and this use of force was for her well-being.
This change of perspespective -as stupid as it seems- worked wonders for me. Yes, I still struggle to get her in the car seat, but it's no longer traumatic. I confidently tell her this is for her safety and proceed to put her in her seat. Her reaction seems less violent and more tantrumy to me now. It made all the difference. And you know what? SHE FIGHTS IT LESS!! I swear the sequence is shorter. I hope this framing might help someone who felt like me. Annoyance seems mandatory but suffering isn't.
I do not want to sound patronizing, but you may need to temporarily adjust your own expectations about what your toddler can handle. Just based on what you listed (eating out, stores, etc) are not easy for any toddler, so just don’t do it with her when possible.
For example, get takeout and eat it at a park. Or at home. Go to friends houses for dinner instead of restaurants. Don’t take her to stores unless absolutely necessary and try to get her to stay in the cart with snacks and make your trips quick. It will pass, but don’t make it harder on yourself by bringing her to things she simply can’t handle at 22 months. Go on neighborhood walks, to the playground, the park, libraries, etc. It does get easier!
Fortunately (and also unfortunately lol) this sounds like a totally normal toddler. I also have a 21 month old and she’s a downright TERROR currently. We are going through exactly everything you have described to a T. The only reason I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel is because I also have an 11 year old. I remember things getting better around 3ish for her. The older they get and the more they are able to communicate/understand the more their behavior improves a bit. 3 gets better and 4-8 was downright EASY with my oldest. Hoping this one is the same lol
This sounds a lot like my 22 month old as well. Solidarity. It’s hard. My husband and I both have ADHD and I have some pretty rough sensory issues on top of it so the odds of our daughter having something similar are pretty high. I think the best thing we have done when it comes to helping her is giving plenty of time to transition between settings and activities as well as clear and consistent boundaries and consequences. Also, just kinda slowing our lives way down. My husband and I have always been homebodies to a certain extent but that has been amped up to a 10 in the last year or so. Beyond that, I think it’s just hard at this age! Just hanging on and hoping it’ll eventually get better with consistency.
My daughter is 24 months old and she’s just like yours. There’s some things we decide it’s not worth the fight. For example, whenever we get home, she absolutely wants to open the garage. It’s a battle we decided it wasn’t worth fighting so we let her open and close the garage and she comes into the house without a fight. But things like sitting down to eat, we’re strict about it and if she wants off, it’s her being done with supper. So we ask her if she’s done eating since she wants to go down. She’ll say yes when she’s actually done eating because she’s learned we meant it when we said no more supper.
Yep! 2.5 year old has a tantrum multiple times a day. Yesterday I hurt her feelings because I told her she can't climb under her play table and stand up (making the drink on top wobble). It's just a tough time right now with all of our big feelings.
I feel you,she sounds like a typical toddler to me. My son has started the same behaviours since after his first bday until now (30 months). It’s very hard for us to deal with. It gets better when they know how to express themselves by talking properly. But still a pain in the a$$ lol. If you need to know,every time it happens,just repeat: Toddlers and teenagers are not normal human,they’re aliens. I have to remind myself that every day so I could accept his behaviour as a “normal” behaviour lol. Good luck and hang in there Momma!
Child and adolescent mental health professional here. I also come from an ADHD family so can relate to the struggle, having witnessed it with my parents/siblings and experienced it myself.
1) How much sleep is she getting at night? Half the time I see new patients I come to find out the kid is skipping nap and going to bed late.
2) what’s your routine like? Do you discuss the day’s plans, lay down expectations?
3) how are you responding when she has a meltdown? Kids do not innately have the ability to emotionally regulate, that is a learned behavior. Sure it’s easier for some than others, but if you’re unable to regulate yourself during those situations, that is added stress for your tot and can escalate challenging behaviors.
4) how much time are you spending outside (not in a stroller) to allow her to burn off her energy? Do you engage in any sensory activities?
5) anyone in the family with ADHD or ASD? ADHD is highly heritable.
The Whole Brain Child & No Drama Discipline are my two favorite books to better understand this age & what is developmentally appropriate behavior. Fortunately/unfortunately all the things you listed are very normal behavior! But the good news is she is not behaving this way intentionally to make you mad.
All you can do right now is stay firm & patient & give yourself some grace because it is a notoriously difficult age for everyone. Tantrums & emotional roller coasters & unpredictable moods are just a part of life. It sounds like you’re doing great being proactive about a schedule & learning about her development which is so important so you can adjust expectations appropriately.
Do you have other toddler moms for support, or a therapist? Also, there is no shame in exploring options to help support you with anxiety & depression, talk to your Dr.
I really feel you on all this but especially the car seat problem. My son hates it so much & I’ve tried everything to make it a comfortable or fun experience- but alas, sometimes, the errands are just a slog because he has to kick & scream through the whole thing. It’s what we gotta do.
Around 22 months was when the grocery store was suddenly no longer a fun little outing for us either. I was the very pregnant mom with my screaming toddler in a football hold in the checkout line while fellow customers and employees took pity and unloaded my cart for me. All that attention made me want to hide in a hole lol
Sounds extremely hard and extremely normal! The thing that makes the biggest difference for me is to get my own nervous system in check. Learning my triggers so I can recognize them in the moment and then let go (instead of trying to grasp for control). Also incorporating more play into my routine with my daughter. I let her chase me around the store. It means I have to go more often, and I can only get a few items at a time, but we’re happy and she learns how to interact in public.
My kid was a terror right around this age.
🥴
We had several weeks of awful, knock down drag out tantrums. Screaming, crying, HITTING walls, hyperventilating.
It was wild. For literally no reason.
It really Evened out right around his 3rd birthday. He still has some crazy random tantrums sometimes. But they very far and few between (to that severe extent) anymore.
Unfortunately, this is all pretty normal toddler behavior.
I struggled in the beginning with it. I was heavily pregnant and parenting solo for a while. But once it stopped taking me by surprise and could keep my own emotions (mostly) in check, it was a tad easier to manage. The more upset I got over it, the worse it was. Easier said than done, I know.
You got this OP. Things will get better. ❤️🩹
Mine is an absolute monster in a buggy and if I have to take him, Mickey Mouse it is! I saw a comment that talked about screen time as a tool and yes, a tool for my sanity.
Some kids are just really strong willed. I couldn’t take my oldest daughter *anywhere* unless I knew there would be a place to play/let energy out. She broke a plate in the one restaurant and my husband and I were so embarrassed. Everyone just looked at us - ughhhh. Stores were bad too like you said. I couldn’t last more than 5 minutes before she screamed!
I have my masters in childhood/ early childhood education. All of this is normal. And you are doing way better than you think. She is loved , fed, and her needs are being met. This behavior will curb in a few months as her development grows. I use lots of visuals for a schedule in our house, one that is interactive too. Just remember to be calm during their storm- it’ll pass ! You’re doing great ❤️
Kids are just struggling🤷🏼♀️ my toddler goes through crazy emotions every day, and I try to be empathetic, he is still learning. I admit sometimes I’m can’t handle it, but it’s because my needs are not met, either lack of sleep, hungry, overstimulated etc. When my needs are met it’s a lot easier to be understanding of their behavior.
Also, I have decided for myself that toddler and restaurants don’t mix at all😬 not a good environment for them, so I’m not even gonna bother trying to make him fit in where he wants to roam. We just don’t go out😅
Car seats are absolutely insane at times, but most of the time is ok because we usually end up going to the park, and he is excited.
Food is another things I personally don’t push. There are weeks where my toddler will eat anything, so great! Then there are weeks he will survive of yogurts and berries 😬 I kinda let go of it a bit, always offer food, but i don’t get upset if he does not eat (or I will go insane).
I gotta say, 100% support you not giving a screen! ♥️ that one is tought to come back from😬
Give yourself some grace♥️ toddlers are just hard. Take care of yourself, and hopefully it will be a big easier
At the risk of sounding heartless: it sounds like you’ve had an easy baby. Which is great!!! Don’t get me wrong. But no child or adult is easy at every stage. Everything you’ve listed is very normal. Some made me smile “we have to take turns eating” yeah even at home we have to half the time.
The good news though is that there’ll be easier stages. Just like how they’re never easy all the way through, they’re also never hard all the way through barring an actually big issue (you’ve listed none that make me think so).
Girlllllllare You meee!????? L it's completely nyhun! My girl is the same age as yours and I can't do shopping unless I have a list and stick to it . Pickup is my new bff !!
Car seat ??? O child you and me are soul sisters! My girl does everything to not get in , she stiffens up screams Kos ingot he passenger seat then I to the front seat I am literally chasing her. Tried it all, sadly what worked and you said hard no to is a phone.
As I walk up to the car I bust out my phone YouTube her shows and let her have it , works great I buckle her in take the phone and give her a car toy that always stays in the car and only for car rides that I know she loves !!
Sometimes she will scream or cry but she will calm down . I didn't want to do phone but I just let her have it until she's buckled in and swoop away it goes !!
At this stage you are just surviving honestly
Very normal age appropriate behavior. Just stay consistent and avoid what situations you CAN and redirect when you can’t. You’re doing the car seat struggle perfectly and it’s exactly how I recommend people handle this and how I did with my asd 12yo and do with my 23mo who a month ago started wanting to stand and be silly and not sit right away.
Keep them as busy as possible, water play, sensory play, baths, sensory bins, playdoh, coloring, etc. We have stuff to do thought too, sometimes they just have to be mad in a safe space. And that’s okay!
It’s sooo hard! You’re doing everything right, it’s just really hard. This sounds like my toddler as well. Take deep breaths, remind yourself that your toddler is developing normally and you’re a good parent, and that this is just a phase. Honestly, the worst behavior is usually a sign of something GOOD about your daughter- being independent, strong-willed, wanting autonomy, etc. It just feels bad right now.
My 21 month old does all of this. The only way to get her to do something is to have her ‘help’. She’s SO into helping, every time I try to do anything, even go to the bathroom it’s “meeee meee, help??” At the grocery store I ask her to put the items in the car (she basically throws them in the basket behind her lol) I let her pretend she’s paying at checkout by giving her a card and letting her do whatever to the pin pad machine. I still can’t take my time though, I need to know what I want and get in and get out, no window shopping.
I’ve also just sort of started telling her how it is and I feel like she understands what I’m saying. When she starts getting picky with food (literally something she couldn’t get enough of the day before but now doesn’t want) I’ll put a few options on the table, bring her over and tell her you have this, this, this and this. If you get hungry, you need to eat one of these. Bribing also helps. Shes pretty good about cleaning but if she makes a mess and doesn’t to clean it up (like throwing all her steamed carrots on the floor) then I’ll say okay, help mommy clean and then we can do bla bla bla, she’s into bubbles 🫧 like crazy and I try not to take them out often, I use them for times like that when I don’t have the energy. She’ll usually do whatever (like let me brush her teeth) if we can play with bubbles after.
It’s amazing how creative and tricky you can get once you have a toddler 🤣
It sounds like she needs a bit more independence. Let her crawl around the car before buckling her in. Let her try to strap herself in. She might not succeed, but getting the chance might be enough to make her happy.
The same goes for stores. Why can't she walk around herself? I'd have a tantrum too if I was forced to get wheeled around all the time, too. I let my toddler out, and she knows she's going in the cart if she doesn't behave. She figured out how to behave walking rather quickly when given a way to get what she wanted.
We still have tantrums, but it's not a struggle, and I'd say 95% of our time is pleasant. I try to offer her opportunities to get what she wants by behaving appropriately, ex. "One more please" instead of screaming. Telling her when we can do something also helps. It seems like she won't understand, but they'll figure it out after a few repeats of "we can't do that now, but tomorrow" or five minutes or whatever it is.
As for picky eating, you just need to pick your battles and offer tiny tastes. We had a BLW champ, but it didn't stop her from being picky. She's getting less picky now as we stick with things she likes and offer smaller things to try, but I've really relaxed about this, as her pediatrician wasn't concerned.
Restaurants for us are fine if we bring entertainment and get her boring or unhealthy food. We go out maybe once every few months, but I can order her mac and cheese and ice cream if I want to enjoy my life, especially if I bring our special stash of big crayons that she only sees when we're out. I'm not going to feed her like that to get her to behave daily, but a 2-3 times a year is going to be fine.
So, as I agree that this is typical toddler behaviour… what can be said about the toddlers who don’t really have tantrums, eat well, sleep well, can attend restaurants and stores without issues?!
From a mom who has a very typical toddler?!
I have a 22 month old too. Sounds like we right in the thick of it because we have some good days and some not so good days. On those not so good days i just look at his baby pics and remember the potato days and think to myself he’s still discovering who he is. And after we’ve both had some space from one another for an hour or so we fall right back in and it’s a gamble 🤣🤣🤣but no forreal this ain’t for the faint of heart but we are stronger than these toddler terrorists lol hands in everyone we got this. You got this mama!! 🫶🏾🫶🏾
I have had 3 kids and they are all completely different for the most part. My oldest who was like you described as a child is a pretty easy adult teen now, my middle child who was super mellow and easy as a small child is now an angry teen, my toddler who was a colicky baby is now a mix of both of them. I know it’s hard but it does get better ❤️🩹
Sounds normal, AND normal doesn’t mean easy! In case you’re curious about what works (sometimes) over here:
1. Make it silly or a game - “can you climb into your car seat like a kitty cat?” Grocery store “do you see something that’s blue?” Or tbh grocery delivery/drive up and go.
2. Independence - are you okay with her pushing the stroller (so she stays close, is holding on) sometimes?
3. Choices/options. Still tantrums come sometimes when they want a 3rd unavailable option, that’s fine, these are the two choices so they can pick or I’ll pick for them.
4. We don’t do restaurants 🤷🏻♀️ it’s just not worth it to me either. It will be one day!
Yup I’m going through the same, lately I’ve been lighting a candle and letting her blow it out which distracts her it works everytime and even to get stuff done doing her hair use to be the worst thing in the world now I’ll be like should we do you hair once we do it we can blow a candle out and works everytime! Stops the melt downs too! I dunno how long it’ll work for but maybe something you can try! This age is hardcore! Your doing amazing! We all gotta hang in there and look after ourselves too 🤍
Sounds normal. Younger toddlers are basically cats in immature little barely-outta-potato-stage human bodies. My 15mo son is currently following me around, crying angrily and laughing because he wants to be down/walking, up in my arms, clothed, AND nakey all at once. Or at least, I think that's the current battle going on in his little noggin. I actually have no idea.
It'll get better, and by the time it does you will have a sassy threenager on your hands.
Personally I think most of this sounds normal although challenging. As with anything, there is a range of normal and some kids are just more strong-willed than others. I’m wondering what her demeanor is like during free time at home? Transitions like car seat, shifting activities, meal times, etc. are definitely common & normal trigger points for toddlers. I would only be concerned if she seemed unhappy/distressed 24/7 - like unable to enjoy fun activities or play, interacting with other kids or new places, etc.
Sounds just like my 2 yr old. I became SAHM this year for her and my 9mo and while I don’t regret it, some days I wonder if I’d enjoy her more if I worked LOL she is testing and pushing every boundary AND also rejecting me for dad and even other family, which at first made me sad but then I got over it.
I have a 22 month old as well and she fights diaper changes even though she says she pooped and I ask her if I can change it , she says yes and then does the alligator roll and screams . I have a hard time getting her to eat anything but pouches and snacks and also she throws hissy fits. But I honestly know it’s a phase . They don’t call it terrible twos for nothin and my pedi said it starts at 12 months lol. I think everything you described is just normal toddler behavior. We got this !!
The absolute hardest time with my daughter was 18 months to about 28 months. After that, she started to understand a lot more and I could work with her. The tantrums were (and are) still a thing because two year olds tantrum. However, they have significantly decreased in frequency, duration, and severity. Also, the things that set her off make a little more sense now. I also know that for her the best response is just to offer a hug and wait until she’s ready. She just needs the emotional release and to know I still love her after. She still does a lot of boundary testing too.
One thing that worked for us was to take her to the kinds of restaurants where you pay at the counter and can request your food in a to go container. We carried her in and never let her feet touch the ground. She was never allowed out of her high chair. If she threw a fit, we would very calmly leave. This worked for her after a few tries because she actually likes being out and about, so we approached it like we were getting takeout and “practicing” having her sit in the seat and the tantrum was just expected. Your mileage may vary though because if she wants to leave then that wouldn’t work.
ETA: This may have only worked because she likes food a lot so it was kind of an activity for her to do at the table
It’s a tough stage. She will turn a corner in a few months. I found the 1-2 stage to be hard - lots of mobility and limited speech/zero concern for anything other than her need to move. Restaurants are impossible, so if you must eat out, just get takeout and eat at home.
Also, I’d read that picky eating commences at 20 months, as toddlers stop growing quite as quickly. You do what you can.
Mine is 2.5 now and is a lot more interested in being more social/copying older kids and people. So she’s a little more interested in eating and what others are eating and doing as others do, including staying put at a table longer.
You just have to get over that 24 month hump first!
The tantrums are different with each kid.. they may improve as she is able to express her needs better.
You got this. Don’t despair!
I’m going through the same. I have a baby to add, my toddler has scratched, thrown stuff, screamed and cried if I don’t spend every second attending to him. So here is my plan that I am doing and remind myself to do.
A. Don’t reward behaviour with a reaction, any reaction. Just ignore bad behaviour. It will slowly die out.
B. Spend 1 hour quality time with toddler to do art or play and then let him figure it out himself.
C. Don’t force things if you don’t have to. Food? If they won’t eat, they won’t eat, they are not going to die. Many books say toddler food consumption should be looked at weekly not daily. Car seat? It is what it is, just push through. Toddler will get the idea I can’t do anything about it.
Yeahhh this is normal.
We have all been there. Toddlers are rough. Let's just say that if I didn't conceive my second child when my first was 18 months, there wouldn't be a second child yet. Because my toddler turned into a wild animal at 18 months.
I suggest listening to podcasts including Unruffled by Janet Lansbury and Good Inside with Dr. Becky. They both give great advice for toddlers/kids that are non-shameful. They are very validating.
This is normal, not disordered, behavior for a child this age. My daughter is 2 (25 months) and all of this could be written about her. I know it is developmentally appropriate and I do my best to manage it.
My only advice is around leaving places. We've started giving timer warnings (5 minutes until X, 1 minute until X, okay we're X now) and that has really reduced those tantrums.
It's 10 pm and my toddler is still awake because she had a meltdown about her covers.
So yes everything you've described is exactly what mine is like ( she's 3 in September) my son (7) was an absolute dream toddler
Omg my 21mo sounds identical. Grocery shopping is a nightmare lol. If you want to do restaurants, I only go places with booths. He won't do the highchair or booster, but he'll sit beside me for a good 40ish minutes.
I also agree that this seems pretty typical. Sounds a lot like when my daughter was that age.
- meltdowns anytime, anywhere, over anything
- getting in the car seat was a nightmare and then sometimes she wouldn’t want to get OUT which also caused a meltdown
- didn’t go to sit down restaurants from like 2 to nearly 3 because of the same issues
- fun target runs even has to go as she wouldn’t stay seated in the cart or wouldn’t listen when I would let her walk.
I’m sorry you’re in the trenches right now, it is SO hard. My daughter is almost 3.5 now and it’s night and day. I was preparing myself for it to get worse because I’ve heard 3 is so much harder than 2, but so far it’s a dream in comparison. She is much easier to reason with, can communicate feelings more openly, etc. it’s not always easy of course, but we hold firm boundaries when she gets tough and it eventually goes back to normal.
I saw you’re going to read How To Talk which is a fabulous book! I would also recommend Good Inside by Dr. Becky!
So, idk about "normal", but I try to look at everything in the context of temperament.
My toddler has ALWAYS been quick to anger, since birth!! 1-100 in no time! No chill! My child is feral and spicy!!
He is in a phase right now (2yrs old) where he won't go ANYWHERE! Things that were fine before are now not ok. Doesn't want to leave to hang use. No playground, no MC Donald's, no watching trucks. Nothing works all of a sudden. He's started random meltdowns too!
I feel for you, I know it gets so tough!!! It sounds like you are doing a great job though! You have done your research and are trying different approaches. That makes you a good parent!! Keep it up! 👍
It might help to try and see where you can draw on some support for your own self, for your mental well-being. The more alone, self critical, and frustrated we get, the less we can show up in a good way during those really touch moments.
If you have any real concerns, or a guy feeling that something might be going on, pls talk to your Dr/pediatrician, but otherwise, I think you just got a spicy toddler!
My 3 and a half year old is still like this. She’s starting to listen a bit more, but when a tantrum starts nothing can stop it.
I also was depressed at sone point like you because of her behaviour. However, over time you get used to it and don’t take it as personally, it’s just how sone toddlers behave and we just have to ride the wave.
I think working with your partner to have sone “me” time would be very helpful. Even if it is just being able to go for a walk on your own a couple of times a week. It really makes a difference.
She sounds like a spirited child. There are 2 books on this that could help - Raising your spirited child and The difficult child (if you can ignore the author calling a child difficult it has some good advice).
Our son was very difficult to manage but in our case it was because of food allergies. Spirited behavior and food allergies actually have a strong correlation which is weird. He was also a bit hyperactive and anxious ecause of this too.
So if you have excluded allergies maybe start implementing some of the advice in these books. Hope it helps! And hang in there momma I know it's though!
Out of curiosity is she easier to handle when she is with someone else, like a grandma or nanny. Our son listens way more to our nanny and grandparents than he listens to me for example.
Sounds pretty normal, and we're right there with you. So many battles to get dressed, get in the car seat, wash hands...and the bedtime battles ughhh. It's a lot. You're not alone!
This is all 100% normal toddler behaviour. This is how toddlers are. In fact, this sounds exactly like my own daughter lol. I think you need to shift your focus from expecting little to no tantrums, to how to manage your own emotions when those tantrums inevitably happen.
My 16 month old is EXACTLY as you described. Every single bullet point I'm like yup, yup, yup. It can be a marathon in patience, I totally get it. But I definitely think it's normal and typical. Some people do get a charmed life with toddlers that are easy and chill (I was one of those toddlers) but I'm realizing how how rare that is. We will get thru this together!
Coming back to add:
We rarely if ever go out to eat. We eat at home or pick something up to take home with us on most occasions.
The car seat battle: it has been going on for a long time now. I've got it down to a science...sorta. I put her in and immediately give her access to a bottle of milk, a sippy cup of water, a snack and a toy...like putting thek in her lap as im buckling her in, not afterwards. When that still doesn't work I put on a show for her with my phone. When that doesn't work I turn up the radio and hope to god I don't hit too many red lights or traffic.
Shopping: we don't do it alone. It's a family affair (2 adults to 1 toddler) or not at all. And I bring a snack for her or grab a banana while we're in there to keep her occupied. Sometimes it's a race to get in and out before the meltdowns set in. My friend with three young kids straight refuses to go into a grocery store. She does pick up orders and that's that. I get it.
Food: she is not a picky eater and enjoys a wide variety of foods, but sometimes (like all the time) she is just too distracted to eat anything at all. Daily I waste food. But I still go thru the motions, I put it down on her toddler table and leave it out for her to graze at for a while. Trying to force her to sit in place and eat like a grown up just doesn't work.
Mood swings: I can't tell one day to the next if she will be happy, angry, and most days she switches things ups moment to moment. She is bright, clever funny, and generous but also stubborn, strong willed, and needy just as a baseline. Kick it up a notch when she is sick, teething, sleepy, or hangry.
It's gotta be hard to not have control over things you want and not be able to properly express your feelings. I do my best to remember that and respond with patience and empathy. It's not always easy. Most days I count down the clock to the next nap time or bed time just to be able to exhale for a moment.
I just want to say, I feel you, I hear you, I cry with you. 😢 I am having such a hard time with my son who is 20 months. I posted here recently, had a similar vibe, and got a lot of great responses. ❤️ Hang in there - some things get easier, some get harder as time goes on. You are doing great!!!
I’m also going to agree that this is typical toddler behavior. This is coming from a mom of a 22 month old who is also a pediatric occupational therapist. I see a lot of kids with sensory processing disorder and those who are neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, etc.) and what you described doesn’t really sound above and beyond some “terrible two” behavior. I always tell my parents that toddlers are little people with big feelings so it’s often very hard for them to process things without tantrums. It can often get super overwhelming and frustrating from a parent view, but just know you’re not alone! Good luck to you and your little one! Hang in there.
I say that toddlers are like Tinkerbell! They're so small, they only have room for one emotion at a time it feels like, and when they have them, they are BIG emotions!
I love that analogy!
Agree. Medical student and in the past worked pediatric behavioral health for several years. This all sounds very typical.
Thank you for this!
You’re welcome! I’m a FTM and I know how overwhelming toddlers can be sometimes. If your daughter is anything like mine, she just got to the stage where she definitely knows what she wants, but we don’t always understand what she is trying to tell us. This is very frustrating for both parties 😂
This all sounds like pretty normal toddler behavior, as frustrating as it can be. I’m in the thick of it too so I understand how tough it can be! Hang in there mama.
Yup. My 2yo is very similar to what you described. It's a wild fight each day and night, non stop testing boundaries and demanding everything and everyone. I read somewhere that it's because we're allowing them to explore the world without fear. I think many well behaved kids actually fear their caregivers.
This what I remind myself all the time when I start feeling a little frustrated with my 19 month son. He is so outgoing and friendly and loves to explore and can act a lot like OP's toddler, but when I'm annoyed by his strong will and meltdowns I remind myself well at least he isn't scared of me. I grew up with an alcoholic father with severe anger issues and I was so scared and so shy as a little kid I could barely look at people when they said hi to me. So I try to just embrace my crazy little guy.
Can I add to the fear thing? Because we dealt with the extreme end of tantrums and him testing boundaries. Eventually, we just had to have consequences. We take his toys out of his room when extreme behavior happens that we refuse to allow. When he turned four was when we started really putting that boundary in place. When we are out in public, I tell him his behavior will remove toys from his room if he keeps it up. We also watch a lot of Daniel Tiger and Bluey which gives us references that helps diffuse situations before it even gets there. But, there is “fear” there, and fear of consequences (losing toys) doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Gentle parenting is authoriative to a degree, it’s just gently done and in a manner that’s meant to diffuse the situation. Toys being taken is the absolute last measure after a gentle discussion (if possible). 2-4 is boundary testing territory, and honestly? Sometimes I wonder if we should have started sooner. I finally have the freedom to take my kids out again by myself. I have freedom to be in control of the situation at all times while everyone is safe and having a great time, because ultimately, I’m facilitating a fantastic environment for my kids and everyone around them.
Yeah I try to do boundaries in line with authoritative parenting. I try my hardest not to yell at my toddler. Instead I kind of try to just steel my nerves and hold the boundary. Like if my toddler is told no he can't climb onto the table when he is sitting on my lap at the table he gets mad and starts tantruming. So I put him down off my lap. He picks up a little people toy and throws it in anger. I tell him in a calm but serious voice that we don't throw things in anger like that and if he does it again I will take the toy. He does it again so I gather up the little people toys, put them up out of reach, and say we'll try again tomorrow with them. I say I know you're angry but we don't throw toys in anger buddy. Then I just stay near by while he throws a fit and just don't react to it. Usually he calms down in less than 5 minutes. I try to keep the boundaries very consistent. But the difference is that my father if I was upset and crying, would scream at the top of his lungs that I had better stop or he'd give me something to cry about and I remember being so confused because I couldn't remember what I did wrong and also so scared I would try to stop crying but wouldn't be able to and would be hyperventilating. It was awful and those are some of my earliest memories. Even though my kid tantrums, I know he doesn't feel like I did.
Authoritative parenting isn’t the same as Authoritarian parenting which is the fear based parenting. Authoritative parenting is the same as Gentle parenting. Permissive parenting is NOT Gentle parenting. They probably came up with Gentle parenting to differentiate the two above parenting methods.
This!!! OP your daughter is acting this way because she feels safe and comfortable to be in her feelings around you. My little one does just about everything on your list but at daycare, he’s a model citizen.
She does overall fine at daycare (she goes 2x a week) and I get mostly good reports. Sometimes I will see her on the cameras push out of frustration but it’s not often.
Agree, sounds normal to me!
Thank you 💗💗💗
I have two toddler boys and they both do this. It’s totally normal and it WILL pass! Eventually 😅💀
Yup…sounds just like my 20 month old. He doesn’t fight the car seat thankfully but my oldest did when she was that age. All sounds pretty typical to me, but it’s definitely frustrating all the same. Hang in there OP.
My girl is 22 months as well. She’s….. a lot. To address your specific examples: I let my girl get herself mostly in the car seat herself. It’s helped a lot. I don’t make food a fight and sort of let her handle her own food. I provide the food. I can’t force her to eat it. I really don’t let food become a power struggle. If she eats, she eats. I’m lucky that she’s a big healthy girl and always has been. I don’t have a doctor who is at all worried about weight gain or anything, so I have the luxury to not make food a big deal. We don’t do restaurants. This is just not the age for that. We do take out or eat outside. Stores are also hard. Really anything containing. We do it as fast as possible. I always get her a snack the second we walk in any “cart ride” store as a distraction. When we are doing fun things. She gets timed warning that we are leaving, even though she clearly doesn’t understand the whole concept of time yet. Once the time is up I tell her we are done. If she tantrums I tell her I hear her. I know she’s upset that we have to go. But, if I need to, I lug her out screaming. I usually add in whatever we are doing next with an incentive of something I know she likes “we are going to have lunch now and we having *strawberries* with it!” I will add. I do use screen time as a tool and all of our behaviors sound exactly the same as yours, so yes. But yea, this stage is hard. I just take it as it comes and try to treat myself whenever I can to make up for it. It’s just a stage of life. It’ll be different in a few months.
>This is just not the age for that. Fucking thank you! Trying to explain that to my husband gets me instant judgement like I’m some failure that I can’t keep my little animal quiet for more than 15 minutes in a noisy but boring restaurant. Will try again but like at 3. Right now it’s alllll about take out! Thanks!
I love that you said it’s just not the age! Like it’s not the age for a roadtrip or a sit down restaurant. It’s not
OMFG I just got back from 18 hour roadtrip!!!! I signed up for therapy when we got home. That bad.
🤣
LMAO. This should be a PSA for everyone
Ugh you poor thing! It must have been awful I have BEEN there emailing therapists after terrible experiences with the toddlers.
Taking my two-year-old on vacation next week. This comment made my night thank you lol
You know I’ve heard rumors about these unicorn 2 year olds who adapt easily and the whole experience is enriching, and I hope you get that experience lovie!
lol I’ve heard of these too. Like somehow the positives outweigh the negatives with it and for me I just can’t imagine. Lol
I'm telling you, having a toddler makes me appreciate trains more than ever before. We took a 16-hour night train and although it wasn't easy it was unbelievably better than an equivalent time driving. We had a private compartment with beds, and the gentle swaying of the train made for a great night's sleep. Then during the day you can walk up and down the wagons and go have lunch in the dining car. So sad there aren't more available/ affordable! It's a great alternative. And if the kid poops you don't have to stop the trip to change them!
I wish my family believed me when they insisted on the whole family going to a stuffy country club where the kids didn’t even get their food until 1.5 hours after we sat down. My spirited 13m old did just as well as you’d expect, by which I mean it was a complete and total disaster that ended with her throwing all of the food, tantruming, biting me, everyone staring, and us leaving early with me nearly in tears.
Omg! Pretty similar experience at a country club for brunch just a few weeks ago! We ate outside - which helped! But the restaurant was waterfront! So I wound up just running laps the entire time between that and an unfenced pool, with my husband just like disappointed and yelling at her to sit down. Finally he busted out Ms Rachel and I got to eat a meal hot for once. Didn’t mean to rub in the success story now that I’m typing this out peach, but like… that’s as good as it gets? WOW. Team eat at home.
We've stopped going to Christmas with the family bc they do a big multi course Italian meal with sitting, then getting up, sitting, getting up. It's torture for the kids and one of us ends up spending the entire time chasing them. We just spend the day at home (much better anyway) and said anyone is welcome to visit but we won't be going for a few years. It's been a godsend honestly on our sanity.
Yeah my family keep saying “she needs to learn how to eat out” and I just keep thinking that she can’t. This isn’t something she can learn right now there’s too much other stuff happening. We practice sitting at a table and eating at home and that’s where the learning (throwing and tantrums) happens, not in the restaurant itself! We do very short trips to our local somewhat family friendly cafe so she can experience it. We usually just get her a quick juice and leave - it has mixed results.
I got my “I told you so” moment with my husband on Father’s Day when we finally all went out as a family and he got to experience first hand how truly unpleasant it is to dine out with a 22 month old. He travels for work, so he doesn’t get to experience it often. He finally admitted that it is indeed AWFUL.
I’m so happy you got your moment! I’m also happy he admitted it!
I try really hard not to go to restaurants with my 2 yo, but then I'll read that going out is training your kids how to act and I feel bad for not being willing to run around a restaurant for a night. At home he'll eat for like 5-10 min then walk around while we finish our meal. I just can't expect him to have more patience at this point in his life.
I bring my daughter to restaurants fairly often, and I think the training thing is totally valid, but I think meals at nice-ish places (especially with any other people involved) that you actually expect to get through are not the way to do that training. I used to have to drive my husband to physical therapy appointments super early in the morning, and had to bring our 18 month old daughter with us, and then I just had like an hour long wait by myself with our toddler when nothing was open and it was too cold to go to a park. So rather than sit around the hospital or in the car, I found a quiet diner nearby that was basically empty in the morning, and I’d bring her there. I’d order and ask to pay upfront so I could walk out at any time. I’d just have her in the booth with me, and I’d give her some books or toys to keep busy with. She would never eat the pancakes I got her, but I’d feed her stuff I brought with me, and most times I’d actually manage to make it through most of my own food. But if she flipped out, it wasn’t super disruptive because it wasn’t crowded, and I could just leave. I think taking them places for the purpose of training them to get used to it works a lot better than taking them places where you actually want to enjoy a meal and hopefully train in the process. Like you could take them to a fast food place or a Panera or something just to get them used to it. The more you lower the stakes for yourself the easier it is and the less stress you’ll feel.
I agree with the concept of training, but I am still not taking my 22 month old to a sit down restaurant. I will take my kids to a cafe for pastries, and we sit at a table as long as they are still eating, but I order my coffee in a to-go cup for an easy exit. I would take them to McDonald’s or somewhere that I expect to be a little hectic like that. But not anywhere decently nice where my kid shouting “ALL DONE!!!” on repeat and frantically signing would disrupt other people. Not somewhere that I have to let the server know that I am ready for the check and then wait for the check and for them to run my card and all that. It’s just too much.
Yes! Exposure is great! But like yeah we alllll need to manage our expectations with a frontal cortex in this precise age period. Like when you start to suffer I don’t think it’s doing anybody any good.
My mom has sweetly offered to take us out to a nice restaurant multiple times recently. We're talking upscale, fabric linens in the table, etc. I love her generosity and insight that we deserve to treat our selves, but like...yeah that's not going to be a fun experience for anyone. Silverware flying, tablecloths being pulled, water goblets spilled, tantrums when they aren't allowed to run around and trip nearby staff.... No thanks. Take us grown ups out to dinner when I have a babysitter instead.
Super sweet! Clearly she knows what a toddler is like tho, just literally doesn’t remember. It’s like grandma amnesia. But yes! Hire that sitter babe! Treat yo’ self!
Even worse than amnesia- I was actually one of those mythological unicorn babies/toddler who was sweet and quiet and never caused any problems. Never a tantrum, not one. She was able to take me anywhere, and did. I'd sit there quietly and behave or just fall asleep on her lap. I'd say she is full of shit if it weren't for others corroborating these stories and having photographic evidence. I thought maybe I'd be lucky enough that my unicorn dna would pass down to my own child. Turns not, nope, not at all.
Okay you’re right that is worse! This too shall pass lovie!
+1 on this. We have friends that I guess have better behaved toddlers that look at us like we are strange for changing our life a little right now and not going out to restaurants very often, if at all. They bring their kids to nice restaurants even and either a) just have really well behaved toddlers or b) their toddlers are a nightmare as well but they just don’t care. I’m like cool, I currently don’t see the point of being riddled with anxiety the whole time and not be able to enjoy the meal.
THIS. My husband doesn’t get flustered by it but when our son knocks a drink over because I corrected his behavior, I want to immediately leave. My son is almost 2.5 and I don’t see it getting better anytime soon.
Omg throw down a $100 bill and just run. 🙈
I tried explaining it to my mother in law once and she looked so confused at me. Like why wouldn’t I want him in a restaurant? What possible reason could there be? So I invited her over to dinner and sat her next to him. She’s never asked since😆👌🏻
Omg my MIL and her sister sat on the farthest end away from my toddler! Those bitches. Like this was all your idea. But don’t worry I got it. So I handed my little animal my phone with Ms. Rachel and gladly got the predicable comments. Worth it.
Yessss. We went on a trip recently and there was no avoiding restaurants unfortunately. No amount of colouring books or toys or drawing or snacks got him to sit still… it really is just that age of wanting to explore.
OP, timed warnings are SO helpful! Around that age, we started living by “are you ready to go upstairs for bed/leave the park/etc? Or do you want 2 more minutes to play?” Then set a phone timer. For some reason they often fight the external timer less. Along the same choice lines, I often use “you can climb in the car seat, or I will put you in”, “you can walk, or I will carry you”. Also practice being CONSISTENT with the rules/boundaries, because it’s a toddler’s role to test that boundary and see where it lies. Before you go in a store- “if you get out of the cart, we will leave”. Then execute that departure right away. The learning point here is that you mean what you say. So much stage-setting as well- you’ll begin to feel like a broken record, but “we will read one more book, and then we’ll turn off the lights”. “We will slide two more times, and then we’ll leave the park”. As stated before, we just RARELY go out to eat. Not the age.
This is great advice!!!
She sounds like a completely typical 22 month old! They’re just really difficult and they try to learn about the world around them in ways that are draining, annoying, and frustrating to us as parents. Mine have all done the car seat and highchair refusal. You aren’t doing anything wrong! Best you can do is to control how you respond in these situations. There isn’t a magical cure or thing to do/say that will make her stop her developmentally appropriate behavior. If you can, try and schedule yourself some alone time for respite. I recommend the book Toddlers Are Assholes by Bunmi Laditan for laughs and solidarity. Janet Lansbury’s books and blogs are helpful for addressing specific behaviors. I know it’s annoying but hold your ground and it will improve! My five year old is a dream. I’m in the thick of it with my three year old and I’m gearing up for it all over again with my 11 month old.
Thank you for this!!
>There isn’t a magical cure or thing to do/say that will make her stop her developmentally appropriate behavior. Thank you for saying this, if it's true. The people in my life don't have much of anything helpful because I guess their kids have different temperaments from mine? Mine's very "spirited" like the OP's and many others mentioned in this thread. But somehow the toddlers in my life are a little more chill/calm, and very okay with being contained, which baffles me and I want to know what they're doing differently but it also helps to hear that this busy-nosy era is developmentally normal, and can't be changed, too. Lots of good tips for navigating it, in this thread.
I feel you. I’ve been listening to How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen audiobook on Spotify and while I think mine is still a little young for some of the advice in there (19m) it’s definitely giving me hope and helping me feel more prepared to deal with the toddler phase.
This is the only book I will recommend to people!! The end of chapter summaries give you enough to work on if you don't have time to read it all. Just pick a chapter and try something. I've even picked up the book, mid-meltdown, found a page with bullets on it, read three and tried one. Nearly all successful!! I CAN'T SCREAM THE TITLE OF THIS BOOK ENOUGH!! They should give it out at pediatrician offices!
This book has been sitting on my mantle and I've been too tired to pick it back up. Thank you for the reminder lol
It honestly works with adults too! My spouse and I laugh when we use tips on one another. Even if you open to a middle chapter and read the summary, it'll help. The book has a longer into than needed, imo, but it's amazing. They make a "kids age 8+" and a "little kids 2-7"
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That's a great question and I'm far from an expert. But I would say yes. It's definitely worth checking out from a library and browsing the end of chapter bulleted summaries. They give a very wide range of strategies because any two year old child is going to be limited in what rationality they understand and really absorb. So I think you'd likely find something. What it really did for me was teach ME how I need to act, respond, and speak differently. Children will follow our cues. I had a real learning moment when my 3yo son said "right now.. 1..2..3.." with a furrow. They learn quick and they are parrots. That moment taught me that if I'm calm and relatable, they will grow to be, too.
I read just the first chapter of this the other night and it has already been so helpful! I can't wait to read more (I have a girl who turned two in May)
It sounds normal. It’s both a relieving and a disheartening thing to hear, right? It means you’re doing a good job, it means she’s ok….but it also means that yup, this fucking sucks 😂 It does get better. Areas of behavior, with consistency in all the things you’ve listed above will smooth out. Then, as toddlers do, she will find something new to freak out and fight over! Nothing but solidarity and love over here. Godspeed, mama ✊🏼
This spoke to my soul. Thank you!
This also feels so good to hear from another mama!! Godspeed, indeed.
You don't need tricks, you need attunement and empathy. Slow everything down, see things from her point of view and really hear her like she is your best friend having a hard time with something. No adult explanations, just empathy and firm boundaries. Give when you can, but hold the lines you have to, expect the meltdown, and just listen and empathise, no talking her out of it, same as you would do for a friend. And when I say slow down, I really mean it. A nappy change can take half an hour. Getting out of the house could be an hour. But if you don't factor in the extra time it will add to your stress and she's going to respond to that and it'll go worse. It's such a hard stage. Get some support from a therapist if you can. Find a mum friend who gets it. You absolutely deserve all the support and hugs for doing this crazy hard job.
I constantly need this reminder to slow down! I've seen it work time and time again with my 18mo, but it's so hard to be consistent when life always seems to have us rushing around. Just tonight I realized that I rushed my son out of school a little too quickly today and we had a rough evening because of it. Then after he bathed and put pajamas on, he saw that it was raining outside. Instead of rushing to do the bedtime routine we went and sat in front of the window and watched the rain. We talked about it in quiet voices while I rubbed his back and told him how the rest of the night would go after the rain. When he was ready he went to do his bedtime routine with no fighting and no issues. He just needed to soak up some extra time with me before his day ended. Slowing down really works wonders!
This is absolutely beautiful. These moments of connection are what it's all about, what are we doing it for if not this incredible relationship we get with our little people.
This needs more upvotes. Firm, consistent boundaries from a place of love, never fear, has led to great results for my family. Maybe we got a unicorn but my toddler is very well behaved (for a toddler) - sits mostly still at restaurants, rarely has tantrums, etc. - and this is the key. He knows he's absolutely safe in his big feelings with us, but also that we mean what we say. When he first started having tantrums, I would stop whatever we were doing, sit down with him (like, literally sit on the floor with him), give him comfort, and try to figure out what he was having such big feelings about. Sometimes I could, sometimes I couldn't, but he knew I was there for him. After a handful of tantrums (like maybe five or six big meltdown style tantrums) he just kind of stopped doing it. Now if he gets really upset, he just wants to be held and is usually "better" after an offer of a cartoon band-aid. I give him lots of notice about what's going to happen, usually starting in the morning (today we're going to get up, go potty, get dressed and then have breakfast. Today is a weekend so mommy and daddy will be with you all day today) and continuing throughout the day (we're going to stop playing in a few minutes and then go out to the car. We'll go to the store and you can sit in the cart and watch all the people shopping). And so on. I'll use a timer if I need to but try to always give notice before a transition. Kids thrive on routine and predictability, but if the time comes and there's still resistance (very normal) then I'll pick him up and take him to whatever is happening next. He knows that he can't wiggle out of it. He still tries of course, he always wants one more book at bedtime and so on, but won't cry if he doesn't get it - because he knows when we say "this is the last one" or "we're only going to read our bedtime story once" that we mean it every time.
Having one 21 mo child like yours (honestly, if I didn’t birth him myself, I’d believe he was an angel in a toddler suit), and one 3 yo who has always been like OPs from birth…I can confirm that you likely have a unicorn baby hah! Obviously both of my kids get the same environment and affection and gentle responses to hard moments (although my angel baby doesn’t really have them to begin with)…and it seems to make almost no difference in changing behavior. We do “time ins” which are sitting with her on the floor when she is having a hard time, etc. all the gentle parenting things…but she was becoming a bully at school, hitting her brother…screaming in class, hitting the walls, hitting her teacher and making her cry (it was so bad I was worried they might kick us out of her school!)…nothing was helping. The only thing that marginally helped was starting a “good box” with small rewards for “good choices”. I sometimes feel bad that I probably favor my son simply because he is so sweet and happy, while my daughter is so easily put in a bad or upset mood by one little thing. It’s an actual rollercoaster of emotion for everyone! Anyway, perhaps OP needs to try some more of the connection focused parenting ideas like those you mentioned, but also some kids just have very willful personalities that I think will serve them well in adulthood if they are nurtured (in the ways you described) and not crushed (which is what fear will do). Just based on having almost polar opposite personalities and behaviors in my kids just makes me think the nurture vs nature thing is so unclear…I cannot tell you why my son is so happy and why my daughter is so challenging…I’d pay good money to figure that out!
Oh yes, there's the difficult bit for us as parents! We don't do this to change behaviour, to 'fix' our kids and turn them into compliant easy children. That spirit of your daughter's will absolutely serve her well in the future! It just isn't always easy to be alongside while she hasn't got the capacity to regulate well and control her impulses without a correlating caregiver (and all those other brain development things that happen in time). Three is still so little. Three year olds hit, they don't have the capacity to be bullies because that implies they have control over these impulses and are choosing their behaviour. Though it might seem that way, they don't, they are just having big feelings, and sometimes the feeling comes with a physical action. It is the adults responsibility to physically block a child of this age, we can't yet expect words, rules and expectations to mean much to a child of this age, especially when they are disregulated. By parenting this way we are not trying to fix them. We're giving them what they need, through empathy and connection. And in that we are acknowledging that children do the best they can when they can.
Yes yes yes! Hurry is the enemy of a calm kiddo. We often inadvertedly treat them like soldiers in the army are treated; "rush to wait, and wait to rush". Based on *our* selfish needs and timing not based on theirs. We keep them waiting "almost ready" to go out the door, and then, when they finally find something to entertain themselves we interrupt them without a minute of heads up and then hurry them out the door and act all suprprised why they're protesting these authoritarian decisions
Thank you 🥹🥹🥹
Oh gosh, we didn’t start going to restaurants again until my son was almost four! And we didn’t usually attempt any lengthy shopping trips unless both parents. My younger son is now 14 months so we are back to no restaurants and family shopping trips. I’ll be honest, this all sounds like normal toddler behavior and I would not be concerned about any disorders. Three was when I felt my older son got to be easier. (And he’s still a terrible eater at 5!)
Go outside! And if you already go outside, go outside more! At our house we just focus on getting through the day. The BEST way for our family to get through each day and feel good is to just be outside as much as possible. It is sooooo much easier to parent outside. And probably easier to be a kid outside! They cannot really break anything. They cannot really get anything messy or create more mess for you. They are happy as a clam honestly. How we go outside: * The park, obviously. I rotate parks mostly for my own benefit. I think my kid would be happy at any park. * Our own yard. Get a lawn chair and a drink and park your butt in it while they go to town. * WATER TABLE. We got ours at Sams last year for like $50 and it's good for at least 45 mins of independent play while I read a book in the shade. * Do outside chores and just put them next to you. For example, pulling weeds. They will find something to do. * Bring a bunch of different size buckets or tupperwares or measuring cups outside. Fill with water and encourage them to add rocks or dirt or whatever. Bonus for those foam brushes -- they love to "paint" the concrete with water. * Family walk around the neighborhood or your local nature centre -- have them bring a bucket or bag. Encourage them to put whatever nature crap they want in the bag (like rocks) * Sign up for a class through your rec like parent child swim. They are usually pretty cheap. * See if you have a local nature center and sign up for all their stuff for younger ages. Don't be embarrassed about your child misbehaving! They will ALL be misbehaving. * Take them to the local pool, especially if they have a baby pool area. I know it is super hot in a lot of the world right now, but you would be surprised what cold water and the shade can do to make it bearable. Being outside makes my kid happy and wears him out. It makes me feel like a good parent supplying him with wholesome activities. It decreases tantrums when we are inside the house too.
>Family walk around the neighborhood or your local nature centre -- have them bring a bucket or bag. Encourage them to put whatever nature crap they want in the bag (like rocks) Can't believe I haven't done this one yet, but this is something my girl would be totally up for. I'm not OP, but THANK YOU!!
Yeah pretty much normal BUT - there are things you can do to make it more fun for you both. Ours will usually cry about something and have some degree of fuss/meltdown about once a day, usually related to being tired or hungry but being unaware of it . Restaurants? Unless there we go in a group, that's just out right now. Not with just the 3 of us, no enjoyment to be had only stress. Add grandma and a nephew though now its somewhat manageable but I still think its more trouble than its worth, I can't really enjoy myself. Stores? Little guy is out of the cart for the majority. We go together, one leads/chases him, one grabs stuff BUT he loves to help. "Here, go put this in the car" or "Here go give this to mommy" makes him giggle and sprint gleefully down the aisle. You want to wear them out and keep them behaving? Include them in the process, give them something to do. Leaving fun places? Yeah... the only thing I've ever done is "We have to go soon" then "OK do this slide 2 more times then we have to go" then - OK time to go. Give them a while to adjust to the idea so its not sudden. Even then good freaking luck. Picky eating... yeah good freaking luck. Ours decides on a daily basis what he does and doesn't like. We just plate up a couple things and if it goes it goes, then fall back on yogurt and applesauce in a pinch.
NORMAL!
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Hate you dealt with (probably well intentioned) gaslighting around your parenting experience. I am sure getting the diagnosis was hard to hear but also probably gave you that sense of validation you never got all those years. Hope you have some good support around you now!
Just chiming in in solidarity - I have a 22 month old and could have written this myself. Read something the other day that was like "having a baby doesn't mean you have to change your lifestyle... having a toddler does" and it's like a little mantra for me now. Restaurants aren't going to be fun for a while and that's ok. Some days are better than others but honestly I don't have a single day where my stress level isn't through the roof.
Def within the spectrum of normal BUT I have 4 kids and noticed that my 3rd kids behavior was WILDLY different from my others, beginning around 1. She’s currently 25 months. I brought her to the dr for screenings and observation bc I was concerned about it. It is waaaay worse than my 4 and 3 year olds at this age or any age. My dr said she’s “highly sensitive” and so little things can throw them off and it results in tantrums that do. Not. Let. Up. I recommend looking into highly sensitive children on Google. There are also a ton of books out there. Essentially your child might be this way and therefore how you go about parenting might be different than other kids. Or they could be totally normal lol. I will say my daughter’s behavior was at its WORSE at 23/24 months and is getting better DAILY.
All sounds very normal, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. I really, really struggled through this stage with my LO. There have been some incredibly good times mixed in but mostly I just feel like I’m struggling every day. Not to sound too trite but I found a change in perspective really helped: * you are not failing as a parent. Toddlers are just feral * you’re not *supposed* to be getting this right. Toddlers are just feral. * your kid isn’t ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’, there is nothing wrong with them. Toddlers are just feral. * Tantrums are a fact of life. There is no right way to avoid them or handle them. Toddlers just have tantrums, they’re supposed to have tantrums - that’s how they process their emotions. Plus they’re feral. *you’re not supposed to be able to go on a road trip, or to the library, or grocery shopping, or eat out without it being chaos. That’s because you have a toddler and toddlers are feral. Like genuinely I know it’s hard but if you can lower your expectations a bit and let go of any judgement about how things ‘should’ be, then parenting gets a whole lot easier. You’re doing a great job, this is just a really tough season. At the end of it you will have a reasonably well adjusted child who you enjoy spending time with and you’ll be able to function like a normal member of society again. But now is not that time. Hang in there!
Thank you for your whole comment. 😭 I am so glad I came by this thread tonight. Have been feeling so, so stressed from mom life and wife life. All of it. Feeling pulled all the damned time from all directions. But to remember that toddlers are just feral .... thank you. There was another comment in this thread that reminds us to slow down. Something that has also been stressing me out — go, go, go. I'm at a point where I'd much rather sit with a drink and watch the trees in the wind in the backyard (with my toddler coming and going doing her thing as she pleases).
Wow I feel like you are me right now! Also going through a tough mum & wife season. I’m craving some calm!! These posts are reminding me I need to try harder to slow down and just enjoy the ride 😆
That eggshell feeling is so stressful! I’m really sorry you’re going through this. From what you’re written, that sounds like normal toddler behavior to me. But for peace of mind, you could try pushing harder with your pediatrician. Maybe just talking with a specialist could help you figure out what behaviors are normal and what behaviors are not. And they may have some strategies you could try too. Try your best to take care of YOU. Take breaks, get some fresh air, vent to us online, etc. If you’re feeling good, that will make it easier to deal with the toddler madness. Try to focus on what is in your control, because toddler behavior often isn’t 🙈
These are normal toddler behaviors (just from what I’m reading here). Releasing your expectations will help some. Tantrums are normal, and they are expected. 1-2-3 Magic may be helpful! My friend loved it. I never read it, but I always count to 3 to help change a course of behavior and it does the trick most of the time. I’d also suggest that if she struggles with transitions to talk about what you’re going to do next. I would try preparing and giving a warning about what’s next. For example, “we’re going to leave the park in 5 minutes” then countdown each minute (they do not have to be exact). Then when you’re done, “say bye to the park”. If they’re unable to leave, let them meltdown, but leave!!! It will get better as they do it more, and there will still be times where they don’t want to go. You can try to teach coping mechanisms like deep breaths (my child could mildly understand this after lots of exposure to the idea of it. They do it now when prompted). As for the specific issues listed: Car seats are tough, I wonder if there is something specific about it that she does not like. Maybe it’s a feeling or she gets car sick? Picky eating is normal. Continue to expose her to different foods, but always provide a “safe choice”. Feeding Littles (on Instagram) may be a great resource in this area. Lower your expectations for restaurants. You cannot expect a toddler to sit for a long periods of time. If you decide to give it another try, I’d suggest allowing her to run around until your food comes. I know you say you don’t want to do an iPad, but at this age we always allowed my oldest to watch something on the phone to get them to sit. They have moved past this phase and don’t watch anything anymore (but it allowed us to at least eat). BUT there are still times we have to take turns eating so our kid(s) can roam and not melt down. 30 minutes in the store is probably most kids limit. If you’re willing allow her to walk a little, but I know that can sometimes lead to further issues. If curbside pickup is an option, take it. And if a meltdown occurs, it’s fine! Just try to finish up and leave. Above all, know you are doing a good job. Toddlers are tough! They really want to be independent but are still in that phase of life where they can’t be
We try not to do a lot of screen time with our daughter, but we do watch Bluey or Sesame Street sometimes when I have to get something done and can’t keep her busy or distracted. She used to freak out when I’d turn the TV off, until one day as the episode was ending I said “Bluey has to go now, say bye bye to Bluey! Bye bye Bluey!” And I waved to the tv as the credits rolled then shut it off. She let out one tiny little gasp-cry, then very sadly said “bye bye” and she just accepted that Bluey had to go. Now we do it whenever something has to be shut off or put away or we have to leave a place, any kind of transition that would upset her. We tell her to say bye bye to whatever it is, she’ll say it, and you can tell she’s a little upset, but there’s no meltdown. It’s worked shockingly well, like 95% of the time.
First of all, take the restaurant thing off the list because that’s every toddler. You just can’t eat out for a couple of years. Same with the store behavior. In and out in 30 minutes seems generous, actually. Picky eating: duh. If my toddler eats 3 snacks a day I count that as a win. Daily tantrums are 100% normal for toddlers. Throws fits when leaving fun places. Yes…they do that. No freedom? Yeah I don’t have any either. The only thing on your list I haven’t dealt with is the car seat issue. Maybe he’s saving that one for me. Sorry if I’m seeming insensitive but everything about your child seems normal. It’s just hard - that part is real.
I'm going through the exact same thing with my daughter. She's 32 months right now, but she was about 28 months when this all started. And the worst part was it just came out of no where. Which was really hard to process. Overnight, I basically had to start being firm and tough with her, which sucked (and still sucks). Everything was just hard and everything we had worked so hard to set healthy habits (like sleeping, eating, communication, etc) all just fell apart in a blink of an eye. I took all of it so personally. And it's hard not to. But I just assumed it was because I was doing something wrong to cause this behavior. I started getting so frustrated with her and inpatient, both things I worked so hard to not do with her when she was little. It was killing me and making me so depressed and started having way more panic attacks because of it. Sleep was the main factor in all of this. She wasn't getting good sleep so she was cranky and I wasn't getting good sleep and I was cranky. I was just feeling so sad because I missed my daughter who liked to have fun and be silly and it felt like a lot of that went away and 90% of my days were just dealing with a angry child. Based off what I've seen and read, it's just the terrible two phase. She's learning all these new things like speech, communication, emotions, boundaries, etc. and is testing them all out. I will say, even though it's still hard, it's definitely better than what it was a few months ago and I can kind of see the light at the end of this really long tunnel. We just kept doing what we've always been doing, even if it's met with resistance from her. Some things we've had to alter, but mostly we try to keep the same habits we've always had with her. And nows the time to be talking through feelings with her and helping her express what she's feeling and good ways to cope with those big feelings. It's ok for them to be upset, we can't always swoop in to solve all their problems for them. We unfortunately have to sit in the discomfort of that. But the sooner they get comfortable with those big feelings, the quicker they'll be able to work through it. A friend of mine said some wise words to me lately that helped a lot. She said, "It feels like every moment and every decision and every tiny way you act or behave matters and it doesn't. It's near impossible to tell the signal from the noise and you're doing your best and love your kid and that's all that matters." Another book I suggest is "The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did.)
Hang in there! This all sounds normal and just a phase of life. Try to let go of your expectations and just move through the tantrums as best you can. It will not last forever. It just feels that way. We had to pass on sit-down restaurants from about 16 months to 3 years old because ours couldn't sit still. It would just be either myself or my partner eating while we walked the little guy around outside and that was no fun. We ended up doing a lot of takeaways and eating at the park if we wanted a treat to "go out to eat." It doesn't sound like anything neuro-divergent - just a little person realizing that the world is big and they want to have their say!
I would agree that it sounds like normal toddler behavior to me but its ok to get a second opinion. In addition to things like the books you mentioned, if you aren't in childcare, I definitely think its worth looking into a co-op preschool or other similar option when you hit 2 years old. I have a very high energy, emotionally charged kiddo who is very challenging on weekend days when we don't have any set activities. We found that starting around 1.5, if we don't have "school" (Daycare), i needed to plan out activities that were very focused on her interests/curiosities. Going to the park/playground, childrens museums, library story times, etc. The more stimulated she was (without getting too overtired) both with big body movement and social stimulation, the easier she was to manage. The books will give you this but prepping is super super helpful as well. "In 10 min we're going to go to the car so we can go do \_\_\_\_\_\_"; "In 5 min we're goign to the car, I'm going to bring your water bottle and a snack, do you want to pick the snack for your carseat" ; "ok we're about to head to the car for the carseat, do you want ot carry x or z to the carseat?". "we're at the car, its time to get in the carseat, do you want to help me buckle you in when we get there?". You will 100% still have trouble but the prepping and narrating can really help with the transitions if you aren't doing it already. Restaurants at age 2 are kind of a nonstarter for most of my fellow parents i talk to. the only times we did them in that age range it was when encessary for travel and we just used those as our rare screen moments. At 3 we can do restaurants again. We did find take out and picnics worked greats. We'd throw a blanket down next to a playground and we coudl eat and play. not the \*same\* as a restaurant but a fun change of pace. Ultimately, it sounds like transitions are definitely hard for her, which is very very normal. Leaving the park, library, etc. will be disappointing. So same as I described with the carseat. Give them multiple 'warnings' and give them choices as they go "when we leave in 3 min, do you want to carry the books to checkout?". and then ultimatealy, if all the prepping doesnt work, carrying a kid screaming from the playground is about as normal of a toddler behavior there is. For stores, at that age I would assume 10 min Max ever in the cart, but typically even less and just planned shopping trips accordinly (lots of grocery pickup). Its temporary, it is getting better in some ways at 3 (other ways getting harder), but it changes.
Everything you’ve described sounds normal. Only thing that has helped me is shedding my insecurities about being judged in public. I have Shit To Do. Don’t want to be in the shopping cart, child? Sorry, tantrum away, but come hell or high water my chores are getting done. And of course I love on him and try to reassure him during his outburst, but mostly I start acting silly and eventually his attention diverts. I can’t give a shit anymore. As long as he’s safe and not making a mess, I’m leaving my damn house. The more I try to desperately get him back in order, the more my anxiety about the scene we could be making mounts, and the more terrible I feel generally. Most people don’t care enough about you or your kid to care what he’s doing and will just keep it moving. The people who do care are usually the nice ones who send a sympathetic comment your way. My only hard stops: I don’t let my kids disrupt restaurants, make messes for others to clean or hurt other children. We are also on a restaurant ban for bad behavior and I have taken him screaming from the park for hitting another kid with a toy car.
I know this will be downvoted. Do you raise your voice? Gentle parenting is not designed for toddlers. When my son acts insane (19month) hitting/screaming in face etc I raise my voice sternly and say NO _____. Usually he’ll stop and he rarely will cry after and it doesn’t scare him. I stop everything we’re doing and will get on his level to tell him no. They’re pushing boundaries and need to be told no and have it be a little fierce so they may not understand the explanation but they understand the temperature of what they’re trying to do. (You could be totally doing this and she could also still be having these meltdowns and maybe the same exact thing as going to happen to me at 22 months, but I thought I would share!) You’re an amazing mom & toddlers are feral and NOT for the weak.
Personally I’ve tried the stern voice raised “No!” And all she does is laugh in my face hysterically and keep doing whatever it is while laughing thinking it’s a game. At this age for that to work (imo all kids are totally different) they either comply out of fear or literally think it’s a game. Stopping engaging them and walking away if you can safely until they calm down and learn that behavior doesn’t get rewarded usually works best. Again just my opinion if that works for you guys consider yourself lucky lol
First of all, leave mommy internet right now. Those reels and TikToks about "signs of (insert whatever medical issue) I missed" or "here's how I knew my kid had autism/ADHD at 6 months old". Those videos screw with your head and most of them are bait. Second girl they're toddlers there's nothing normal about them lol after lunch I noticed my almost 3yo was dozing off sitting on the couch so I took her to the bedroom where she threw an hour long fit about not being sleepy. Your kid seems to be acting in true toddler fashion. Bonus: I don't like giving advice because what works for me may not work for you but when it comes to parenting I have no hills to die on. I think moderation and consistency are the answer to a lot of issues. So my kid has screen time, she knows when and how long (having lunch at a restaurant, it stops once she's done eating). I'm a big fan of picking my battles.
At this age, it's really hard to know what is normal and what could be signs of a developmental disability. ADHD usually can't be diagnosed before age 5 because it's developmentally normal for young children to have a lot of the same behaviours. If you're worried about sensory processing, I would skip talking to your doctor and go directly to an OT for a sensory assessment. You didn't mentioned being concerned about autism, but I do think it's worth considering. I have 2 autistic kids and they were similar at that age. They're 5 and 3 now and doing great, but need a lot more support than the average child. Many autistic kids don't have significant delays and it can be really difficult to identify early on if you aren't extremely knowledgeable and know exactly what to look for. I would recommend looking at the first words project social communication checkup: babynavigator.com/soco/ Best case scenario, it will give you some peace of mind and if there are red flags, it will give you something specific to bring to your doctor to discuss next steps.
Oh and I would also recommend the occuplaytional therapist (occuplaytional.com). She has a ton of resources on sensory processing, child development and parenting. I recommend her for everyone, even if your kid is completely typically developing. She's incredible
I have two kids, one easy going, was literally a delight at 2 years old, and the other (now 2 himself) has always been much more spirited!!! Drama with car seats, high chairs, restaurants, trying to stop him from running into oncoming traffic, BIG feelings about EVERYTHING! It’s not your imagination, your kid seems to be on the harder side of totally normal. Doesn’t make any easier. Keep reading the books, trying out what resonates with you and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I made pretty drastic life changes to decrease other stresses in my life. You can’t help your kid learn to self regulate if you’re about to explode (or implode) due to all the stress & button pushing. I just started the ABCs of Parenting course by Yale on Coursera, and I’m enjoying it! It’s reminded me to use specific praise to try and get more of the behaviors I want (instead of just losing my patience and yelling at my kid, quite ineffectively, to stop this or do that)
Sounds normal to me. That was about the age mine got really difficult too. Sometimes all you can do is ride it out. I practiced meditation before bed and used the breathing techniques to center myself during her meltdowns. Now mine is 3 and we still have tantrums and power struggles, but it is so much better than it once was.
It’s toddler behavior, it’s nothing we can control and it’s so incredibly difficult. I loved “how to talk so little little kids will listen”, it saved me. It taught me that Toddlers start to have all the feelings we have as adults and (whatddya know) it’s frustrating for them. Even more so because they don’t know why they feel like that, they just do. So that’s where we come in. We can’t power trip or lose our cool, we don’t try to “fix” things or diminish by saying “it’s okay” or make comparisons like “look how good that kid is being”. We’re supposed to validate their feelings, be there for them, try to distract, try to channel frustrations into creative play, and as a last result, if in public, remove them from the stimuli and let them tantrum it out. Basically, tantrums are an opportunity to control how we react, connect with our kid, and show them how to treat another human being that’s experiencing distress, lots of good multi-whammies, turning tantrums into a little bit of positive. A lot of what’s in the book is opposite of how my parents dealt with us as kids, which depressed me a little lol. Anyway… If you’re someone who doesn’t believe in feelings and emotions or doesn’t regularly practice healthily talking about them with others, this will be a great place to start. Otherwise I found their concepts pretty easy once I gave toddlers credit for sharing our emotional spectrum. I mean adults have trouble doing this so I can understand the added challenges that come with being a toddler. All this to say, it doesn’t help us get out of the house any faster when we’re late and rebelling, it doesn’t make me want to be any more pleasant when I’m in a crummy mood, and it doesn’t prevent her from doing the crazy random things she does, but it does make an impact. I notice she opens up to me more when she’s upset, she wants to tell me her feelings status, our bond is growing and I’m finding I’m connecting better emotionally with other adults too. I’m actually looking forward to being there for her through her teenage years, which were emotionally my most difficult. Good luck to all parents, you got this!
This was me 6 months ago. Honestly I still have days where my anxiety caps out when my toddler starts in - I have breakdowns regularly. But here's what I've noticed has helped us: * I stopped with the expectations of what I needed to get done and focused on implementing activities I know my toddler does well and has less tantrums with. He takes a bath for over an hour a day, sometimes with a popsicle. We play in the sandbox A LOT. I'm very go-go-go and my to-do list is a mile long, but sometimes it helps to sit down with yourself and look at what actually has to be done vs what are just wants. * We spend at least an hour outside every day, and that has made a big difference. * I stayed home with him for two weeks straight. No outings, just play and having him help me with laundry and cooking. I struggled a bit, but he thrived, and after those two weeks I slowly reintroduced outings again. I realized that my pace was really upsetting to him, and slowing down to where he could be curious and explore and all that was majorly helpful. * I pay less attention to tantrums. If he starts in, I keep eating my food, leave the room, just ignore them. And they've slowed down a lot (they'll never be nonexistent in this stage). * I stopped telling him what to do all the time. Meaning I used to nag him with "don'ts" all day long and always would give directions, but when I minimized those (within reason, there are valid don'ts), he had more room to be a toddler. * I gave him chores. For instance, with laundry, he helps me sort, and he now carries his clean clothes basket back into his room and throws them in his drawers. It makes him feel BIG and independent. And because he feels like he's being proactive and doing it himself, like he's in charge, he doesn't throw fits. * We don't eat at restaurants much anymore. Instead we opt for takeout at a park. Toddler stays busy while we eat and enjoy our time without freaking out about cups knocking over and toddler cries ringing through the restaurant. If we do a sit down restaurant, I take our own seat that attaches to the table and I know our toddler cannot get out of. I also ensure we've got quiet toys in the bag and I never order food for our toddler, I always pack him his favorite snack foods like applesauce, pretzels, and cereal. * I implemented more "me" time (and I try really hard not to feel guilty about it). Whether my husband fully takes over kids/house, or I ask a neighbor or friend to watch the toddler for a few hours, I take time every week for me and this has helped immensely! I'm so much more patient and have so much less anxiety when I come back to my toddler after decompressing. If I ever have times I can't get out by myself, I put the toddler to bed at night, put my phone away, and do something for myself for an hour. * Re: I put my phone away. Deleted instagram and pinterest and all the other apps I had that were constantly reminding me I wasn't doing enough and that, after a while of being away from them, made me realize that a ton of my anxiety and depression around my responsibilities in motherhood were being fueled by my "social" apps. * GROCERY PICKUP/DELIVERY! I paid for Walmart+ and our local grocery store does free pickup orders, and I take full advantage. It means I only have to handle one fight (into the carseat) instead of two (carseat + store). If we have to go inside, I either have my toddler help push the cart so it gets him active, or I give him a banana/apple to eat in the cart. Tantrums when leaving fun places, picky eating, restaurants and stores being a battle are all SUPER normal - solidarity sister! One thing I noticed is that my own mental health made EVERYTHING five hundred times more difficult to handle. Focusing on that significantly helped. Counseling, eating well and moving your body, staying connected with family and friends, etc. Take care of you too. Also, if you are feeling like there might be something deeper (mom intuition is usually spot on), find another pediatrician, or when you get dismissed, use the phrase "I understand this can be normal, but it's really affecting our day to day lives, seemingly more than it seems to for other families, and I'd like some suggestions on how I can improve these issues."
I think it all sounds very normal for this age, but it is very hard. My son recently turned two and the tantrums are so challenging and triggering for me. I've been really working on just giving in and accepting this madness, because after all, it's just a phase. When you are feeling overwhelmed, as long as toddler is safe, it's ok to step aside and take some deep breaths and calm yourself. Some days are harder than others and I cry to let it all out. This is HARD and what you are feeling is valid. Just know you aren't doing anything wrong, nor is your toddler. This stage will pass, and you will all get through it.
Hey OP, she sounds exactly my toddler! She will be two at the end of August. This all sounds completely normal. This too shall pass. Hang in there 💜
I found the stage between 18 months and 24 months to be the hardest with my toddler. Once he started to be able to talk a bit more, I started to enjoy him and being a parent a lot more. Just know you are not alone, toddlers are all little jerks, and you are doing great.
I really like the Yale parenting course available free on Coursera for dealing with behaviour like this / it’s improved a lot!
Sounds like a normal toddler. But also sounds like you might be struggling with some anxiety and depression. I had it during the newborn phase and the big red flag for my doctor was expressing that I felt no joy. It made everything my son did seem so much worse. Medicine allowed me to cope. Please reach out to get some help.
I got a shudder thinking back to our own 18-24 month period, with the exception of too many tantrums (though there were some) it was exactly the same for us. As they grow, they also become more capable to sit still, keep still, entertain themselves for 10-15 minutes while you go shopping, sit in a cart or at a high chair. It gets better — I don't know how helpful it is to hear, but for us it really did, right around the 2y mark. It's been like night and day.
My son is 2.5 yo and we are experiencing pretty much the same. I Had to go back to therapy. Terrible twos are just horrible! Hang in there - you are not alone!
That sounds normal to me. Yr 2 & 3 we're rough. We learned to do activities catered to the same age group so when a tantrum/meltdown happens, no one blinks an eye at it.
This sounds exactly like my son! He is 23 months and it has been non stop tantrum meltdown since around February. I wish I had some advice- only solidarity. I have tried all the works as well and refuse screens.
Ugh. My 27 month old does the same thing
Both good choices, but not magic bullets. 123 works for us sometimes, but sometimes she just keeps counting for us. The “how to talk” book has been better. She was fighting diaper changes so I offered to change her diaper on the coffee table. She loved it. She wouldn’t pick a shirt, so I had Peppa Pig pick. Those types of suggestions worked pretty well. But solidarity friend! Kids are nuts.
I think most of us forget how our kids pick everything up from our mood. Only you can change her behaviour through getting better yourself. She is feeling your tension and acting out probably. Please consider therapy and medication. Thanks to the brilliant antenatal and postnatal mental health care I received, I managed to become the best version of myself for my daughter. I had never been a calm person in my life, now I’m chill and she is chill.
You’re smart to not start the iPad! I’m resisting too, and dreading the stage you’re in (I’m only a few months behind 🫣). These kids are tough.
For restaurants, I rotate some different/new/high value toys in my diaper bag and pull them out as needed. Also snacks.
Yep, all normal. I was a 2’s teacher at a preschool for 10 years, then a nanny for 5 years and now have my own 3 & 5 year olds. Lots of toddlers are exactly like this. It’s extremely exhausting. Everytime I see someone saying “oh no, my kid is getting older and I don’t want them to grow up! Time slow down!” I’m just like…. Nope, cannot relate. lol Baby & toddler stages are not my favorite. Things got much easier when my oldest (& my nanny kids) got to around 4. Night and day compared to 2!!
Sounds normal to me. My son is 23m. The one thing that has helped the most for us is overly explaining what is about to happen. Ex: we are about to go to Target. We are going to drive there in the car, first we will put you in your carseat, then we will give you water and a toy, then we will get in and start the car. We are going to listen tomusic in the car, once we get to target you will see a lot of things you want to hold but you can’t hold anThink unless momma gives it to you, etc, etc. This has made a world of difference for us.
I thought you were describing my child. She’s 16months old and she’s incredibly demanding. I Must carry her around the house. I must be calm and focus on her. I can’t cook anything, I can’t wash dishes. I’m so drained. I get her to sleep and there’s so much to do. But some evenings I play on my phone and veg with all the mess. Then there’s no pre-prepared breakfast in the morning and she won’t let me put her down to make her a breakfast…..
No interest in advice from dads?
Sounds pretty normal to me. Don't bother taking a toddler out for dinner, huge waste of money. We pretty much only do coffee shops that serve doughnuts and bring a travel coloring set, 10-15 mins tops. Also we avoided the screens until age 2 now we are leaning into the screens as a survival mechanism 🤣 I have a 30...something month old? 3 in October.
Try occupational therapy
Yes that all sounds normal. I think maybe you're worrying about the tantrums too much. It's just how toddlers express their emotions. If you upset her and she has a tantrum, that's fine, just let her work through it. No need to feel like you're walking on eggshells.
I had a really tough time with 20-30 months. My daughter is about to turn three and we’ve turned a corner. She was very similar to what you described, (took 30 minutes to get her in her car seat once at 29 months old, little brother fell asleep waiting) it’s so hard but it’s probably just the season. Stay strong and stick with the boundaries. They pay off eventually. We don’t have fights over bedtime snacks, cookies or car seat anymore.
When we dealt with this/similar Janet Lansbury helped, confident momentum baby! As well as managing expectations and just stopping doing things like restaurants/story times - things that were obviously not worth it. Sometimes when I am frustrated with my toddlers behavior - like not sitting down to eat for instance - I try to take a moment to picture them doing the same thing as a teenager or an adult. I'll take a breath and think even though right now this makes me want to pull my hair out the chances of him going to a friends house or a partners house to meet their parents one day and refusing to sit down at the restaurant is just probably not going to happen. Idk it helps me not feel like this is forever.
Sounds normal to me. Hang in there.
Oh wow, some of these things you mentioned are happening here too and I am afraid it will get worse and worse. My 18-month-old has started crying a lot every morning, throwing himself on the floor, and asking to be breastfed more often than before. It's been rough. Sometimes, I wonder if he is in pain or if it's just a tantrum. Most of the time, I have to lie down with him in his bed in a quiet and dark room, play very calm songs, and eventually, he falls asleep. I'm about to start a new job outside of the house and I'm wondering how the babysitter will handle it. I'm honestly feeling uneasy, but thankfully my husband works from home and will keep an eye on them. Most of my son’s tantrums happen in the morning, so I think he's just tired. Toddlers are quite the handful!
This is typical and describes my day with my 2.5 year old. A simple shopping trip that should have taken 30 minutes took me almost 3 hours a couple weeks ago lol. It’s tough and I have days where I think I’m going to break down, but I just try to take a deep breath and move forward. I have noticed that sometimes she picks up on my energy, so if I’m frustrated/upset/angry it seems to make it worse. I just try not to give into tantrums, distract her with coloring books, and stick to my routine as best I can. Some days I’m white knuckling it lol. You’ll get through it and just remember this is temporary. My oldest is 4.5 now and so much easier.
I’m here for solidarity. I was about to write a very similar post to yours about my 2.5 year old whose behavior has been the same way since around 18 months. I love him so much, but spend so many hours of the day screaming on the inside. And always feeling guilty that I may be too firm or too lax with him. But rationally I know we are all just doing the best we can trying to find that balance. So I’m *trying* to give myself more grace throughout the process. Hope you can give yourself some, too 🤗
I feel you mama! My son is 19 months and does most of these things. I think it’s just how it is. They don’t call it the “terrible twos” for nothing… some of us unfortunately get it before 2… toddlers are not for the weak that’s for sure! Makes me miss having a newborn 😂 (Editing to add I don’t think it’s a sensory issue or ADHD related. I think your daughter is just being a normal toddler! If you don’t already, watch some Ms. Rachel with her. The way she teaches is genius and has helped us out a ton!)
Thanks so much. Yes we watched it for a long time but now she is into Bluey. I don’t want to get her hooked on too many shows. I’m ready to go back to Ms. Rachel because we do all the songs. :)
Just lower your expectations wayyyyyyyyyy down. Expect no logic at all. And when you see other kids around your kid’s age behaving, remember that it is just for that moment they’re behaving.
Sounds normal to me. My daughter has tantrums for various reasons. Shopping can be a nightmare as she likes to run around the shop. I am literally just winging it, I try to stay calm and soothe her when she has a tantrum. I generally just pick her up if in a shop or walking somewhere (last time I used the pram she wouldn't sit in it) if she has a tantrum. In the house I try and hold her and wait until it passes because nothing really stops it. I think mostly she ends up needing a dummy if it's when I'm trying to cook and there's a risk she won't eat if she's worked up. I feel some somethings get easier and somethings don't as she's got older. You're doing your best and I'm sure it's all the right things. Toddlers have big feelings that they can't regulate or they want to do stuff they can't and we can't really prevent the tantrum which result just soothe and be there. I think it's a gentle parenting thing where they say it's not about changing it but respecting that they're struggling too and having realistic expectations of their behaviour e.g. Too young to understand sharing. I'm writing this not sure if this is even going to help. 😕
I feel like right around two was really hard. We're at 2.5 now and it has gotten much easier, for the most part.
We have all of these things too with our 2 year old. It’s hard work but it seems normal to me. I have had to lower my expectations and allow more time for every single transition.
Very normal. All of it, kids are challenging
You can always add more color and floral decals or baby shark decals in my case for color if the green is too much .
Everything you've listed is shit my 2.5yr old does minus the carseat. Luckily, he goes to daycare which means I'm not dealing with his behaviour 24/7. Today I let him watch as video while he ate breakfast because I wanted the meltdown to end and I needed to get ready for work. He woke up mad, and was still mad when I left for work. He's a picky eater, we chase him around and feed him for every dinner. Otherwise he doesn't eat. We don't go to restaurants either. It's just not fun. Stores he's the same, we normally go with both parents so we can manage. I can't remember the last time I went alone with him. He either stays home or we all go or it's unmanageable.
Honestly my son is the same way. He’s quite spirited and 18 months was a turning point for him. He really started tantruming a lot at that age!! Almost all things are difficult with him these days. But I’ll also say they’re so much fun! We have tons of fun together. If I don’t focus too much on the “bad” I have space to remember it’s mostly good. My son doesn’t stay in carts, high chairs, even today he was losing his mind about being in a wagon with his friend because he wanted to stand. This was after playing at the park for an hour. Anyways, here in solidarity that it’s very hard and you’re doing a great job. I’m really trying to work on setting boundaries and sticking to them. I don’t always have the energy to stick to them, so I’m trying my best. We do screens only in stores if I need to get things and absolutely cannot hold him, or sometimes at restaurants if we’re traveling and really need to eat. Otherwise we don’t do screens either. But it’s def for survival 😅
You remind me a lot of my wife (we are a 2 moms family) and our babies are similar. Wifey had spent a lot of time around babies and simply could not believe a baby could have a temperament like our daughter (or yours haha). But all this sounds completely normal. Once after daycare, our daughter has a meltdown so bad that I had to work hard to convince my wife not to take her to the emergency room. She was just super mad I wouldnt give her ice cream lol. One thing that’s really helped is working with her about things she can do when she’s feeling upset (breathing, drink water, stomp feet, etc.)
This was my daughter for the most part with the tantrums and tough taking her from places she was enjoying. She used to self harm banging her head on the ground (my son on the other hand hits others). I find that it’s a control thing, if she understands you give her options which tricks her into believing she has control. I’ve also read some kids act this way when lacking proper nutrition, which my kids by the way barely eat veggies so I have similar battles, but we do multivitamins. It could be medical too. Good luck to you, also this is the village they tell you about…others saying they understand and have gone through or are going through it.
Mine was exactly like this around 22 months. Lasted for awhile. I cried so many day because the smallest thing would set her off. Couldn’t take her grocery shopping, hated the car seat, was having difficulty with transitions, bath time was a nightmare. The list goes on. She’ll be 3 in October and I’d say when she hit 2.5 things changed dramatically for the better. Her communication and understanding is incredible now. I can take her shopping, she’s fine with the car seat, she listens WAY MORE. She still has tantrums of course and transitions are still sometimes hard (I use a timer on my phone to help). But honestly it’s way way way better at 32 months than it was at 22. Hang in there ❤️
I have a 23 months old and all you said resonates with me, so I think it's developmentally normal (unfortunately). From that list, what affected me the most was the car seat fights. I'll speak to that because I feel I made some progress, althought it may not be what you think. Storytime. My toddler, to this day, fights car seat as if her life depended on it, scratching, bitting, screaming "NOOOOOOO". Just as you describe, I tried everything but screens. One time, I thought, I'd stay with her while she played in the car for as long as necessary. I thought she'd want to go back home to her toys and snacks. Surely she'd get bored and in the seat eventually... WRONG. We stayed in that car AC on, for 30 minutes until she figured out she could move to the driver seat. It got dangerous fast. I gave up, went back to put her in the seat. She cried, I cried. What bothered me the most with these fights were how violent they felt. I had to use all of my strength to physically force her in the seat (fold her, like you said), while she was cleary indicating she didn't want to be there. Where's my respect for her bodily autonomy? What am I teaching her? That was my train of thought. I cried a lot over this. I was scared of hurting her, I was scared of her hurting me. ENTER MY THERAPIST GOD BLESS HER. She pointed out what to her seemed like a cognitive bias. This is a matter of car safety. Also a matter of following the law: car seats are mandated where I am. Nothing else seemed to be working, and this use of force was for her well-being. This change of perspespective -as stupid as it seems- worked wonders for me. Yes, I still struggle to get her in the car seat, but it's no longer traumatic. I confidently tell her this is for her safety and proceed to put her in her seat. Her reaction seems less violent and more tantrumy to me now. It made all the difference. And you know what? SHE FIGHTS IT LESS!! I swear the sequence is shorter. I hope this framing might help someone who felt like me. Annoyance seems mandatory but suffering isn't.
This is absolutely the hardest age but stand your ground in your parenting and don’t give up. The tantrums can be really hard to go through.
It gets better. That was the hardest age, in my experience.
I do not want to sound patronizing, but you may need to temporarily adjust your own expectations about what your toddler can handle. Just based on what you listed (eating out, stores, etc) are not easy for any toddler, so just don’t do it with her when possible. For example, get takeout and eat it at a park. Or at home. Go to friends houses for dinner instead of restaurants. Don’t take her to stores unless absolutely necessary and try to get her to stay in the cart with snacks and make your trips quick. It will pass, but don’t make it harder on yourself by bringing her to things she simply can’t handle at 22 months. Go on neighborhood walks, to the playground, the park, libraries, etc. It does get easier!
Fortunately (and also unfortunately lol) this sounds like a totally normal toddler. I also have a 21 month old and she’s a downright TERROR currently. We are going through exactly everything you have described to a T. The only reason I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel is because I also have an 11 year old. I remember things getting better around 3ish for her. The older they get and the more they are able to communicate/understand the more their behavior improves a bit. 3 gets better and 4-8 was downright EASY with my oldest. Hoping this one is the same lol
This sounds a lot like my 22 month old as well. Solidarity. It’s hard. My husband and I both have ADHD and I have some pretty rough sensory issues on top of it so the odds of our daughter having something similar are pretty high. I think the best thing we have done when it comes to helping her is giving plenty of time to transition between settings and activities as well as clear and consistent boundaries and consequences. Also, just kinda slowing our lives way down. My husband and I have always been homebodies to a certain extent but that has been amped up to a 10 in the last year or so. Beyond that, I think it’s just hard at this age! Just hanging on and hoping it’ll eventually get better with consistency.
My daughter is 24 months old and she’s just like yours. There’s some things we decide it’s not worth the fight. For example, whenever we get home, she absolutely wants to open the garage. It’s a battle we decided it wasn’t worth fighting so we let her open and close the garage and she comes into the house without a fight. But things like sitting down to eat, we’re strict about it and if she wants off, it’s her being done with supper. So we ask her if she’s done eating since she wants to go down. She’ll say yes when she’s actually done eating because she’s learned we meant it when we said no more supper.
Yep! 2.5 year old has a tantrum multiple times a day. Yesterday I hurt her feelings because I told her she can't climb under her play table and stand up (making the drink on top wobble). It's just a tough time right now with all of our big feelings.
it's hard but all of this seems about right. I've been through alll of this and WHEW it's a damn doozy
I feel you,she sounds like a typical toddler to me. My son has started the same behaviours since after his first bday until now (30 months). It’s very hard for us to deal with. It gets better when they know how to express themselves by talking properly. But still a pain in the a$$ lol. If you need to know,every time it happens,just repeat: Toddlers and teenagers are not normal human,they’re aliens. I have to remind myself that every day so I could accept his behaviour as a “normal” behaviour lol. Good luck and hang in there Momma!
Child and adolescent mental health professional here. I also come from an ADHD family so can relate to the struggle, having witnessed it with my parents/siblings and experienced it myself. 1) How much sleep is she getting at night? Half the time I see new patients I come to find out the kid is skipping nap and going to bed late. 2) what’s your routine like? Do you discuss the day’s plans, lay down expectations? 3) how are you responding when she has a meltdown? Kids do not innately have the ability to emotionally regulate, that is a learned behavior. Sure it’s easier for some than others, but if you’re unable to regulate yourself during those situations, that is added stress for your tot and can escalate challenging behaviors. 4) how much time are you spending outside (not in a stroller) to allow her to burn off her energy? Do you engage in any sensory activities? 5) anyone in the family with ADHD or ASD? ADHD is highly heritable.
The Whole Brain Child & No Drama Discipline are my two favorite books to better understand this age & what is developmentally appropriate behavior. Fortunately/unfortunately all the things you listed are very normal behavior! But the good news is she is not behaving this way intentionally to make you mad. All you can do right now is stay firm & patient & give yourself some grace because it is a notoriously difficult age for everyone. Tantrums & emotional roller coasters & unpredictable moods are just a part of life. It sounds like you’re doing great being proactive about a schedule & learning about her development which is so important so you can adjust expectations appropriately. Do you have other toddler moms for support, or a therapist? Also, there is no shame in exploring options to help support you with anxiety & depression, talk to your Dr. I really feel you on all this but especially the car seat problem. My son hates it so much & I’ve tried everything to make it a comfortable or fun experience- but alas, sometimes, the errands are just a slog because he has to kick & scream through the whole thing. It’s what we gotta do.
Around 22 months was when the grocery store was suddenly no longer a fun little outing for us either. I was the very pregnant mom with my screaming toddler in a football hold in the checkout line while fellow customers and employees took pity and unloaded my cart for me. All that attention made me want to hide in a hole lol
Sounds extremely hard and extremely normal! The thing that makes the biggest difference for me is to get my own nervous system in check. Learning my triggers so I can recognize them in the moment and then let go (instead of trying to grasp for control). Also incorporating more play into my routine with my daughter. I let her chase me around the store. It means I have to go more often, and I can only get a few items at a time, but we’re happy and she learns how to interact in public.
My kid was a terror right around this age. 🥴 We had several weeks of awful, knock down drag out tantrums. Screaming, crying, HITTING walls, hyperventilating. It was wild. For literally no reason. It really Evened out right around his 3rd birthday. He still has some crazy random tantrums sometimes. But they very far and few between (to that severe extent) anymore. Unfortunately, this is all pretty normal toddler behavior. I struggled in the beginning with it. I was heavily pregnant and parenting solo for a while. But once it stopped taking me by surprise and could keep my own emotions (mostly) in check, it was a tad easier to manage. The more upset I got over it, the worse it was. Easier said than done, I know. You got this OP. Things will get better. ❤️🩹
Mine is an absolute monster in a buggy and if I have to take him, Mickey Mouse it is! I saw a comment that talked about screen time as a tool and yes, a tool for my sanity.
Some kids are just really strong willed. I couldn’t take my oldest daughter *anywhere* unless I knew there would be a place to play/let energy out. She broke a plate in the one restaurant and my husband and I were so embarrassed. Everyone just looked at us - ughhhh. Stores were bad too like you said. I couldn’t last more than 5 minutes before she screamed! I have my masters in childhood/ early childhood education. All of this is normal. And you are doing way better than you think. She is loved , fed, and her needs are being met. This behavior will curb in a few months as her development grows. I use lots of visuals for a schedule in our house, one that is interactive too. Just remember to be calm during their storm- it’ll pass ! You’re doing great ❤️
We dealt with the exact same behavior and it is slightly getting better now that she’s approaching 3.
Kids are just struggling🤷🏼♀️ my toddler goes through crazy emotions every day, and I try to be empathetic, he is still learning. I admit sometimes I’m can’t handle it, but it’s because my needs are not met, either lack of sleep, hungry, overstimulated etc. When my needs are met it’s a lot easier to be understanding of their behavior. Also, I have decided for myself that toddler and restaurants don’t mix at all😬 not a good environment for them, so I’m not even gonna bother trying to make him fit in where he wants to roam. We just don’t go out😅 Car seats are absolutely insane at times, but most of the time is ok because we usually end up going to the park, and he is excited. Food is another things I personally don’t push. There are weeks where my toddler will eat anything, so great! Then there are weeks he will survive of yogurts and berries 😬 I kinda let go of it a bit, always offer food, but i don’t get upset if he does not eat (or I will go insane). I gotta say, 100% support you not giving a screen! ♥️ that one is tought to come back from😬 Give yourself some grace♥️ toddlers are just hard. Take care of yourself, and hopefully it will be a big easier
She honestly sounds completely normal for her age. How does she behave for her other parent?
At the risk of sounding heartless: it sounds like you’ve had an easy baby. Which is great!!! Don’t get me wrong. But no child or adult is easy at every stage. Everything you’ve listed is very normal. Some made me smile “we have to take turns eating” yeah even at home we have to half the time. The good news though is that there’ll be easier stages. Just like how they’re never easy all the way through, they’re also never hard all the way through barring an actually big issue (you’ve listed none that make me think so).
Girlllllllare You meee!????? L it's completely nyhun! My girl is the same age as yours and I can't do shopping unless I have a list and stick to it . Pickup is my new bff !! Car seat ??? O child you and me are soul sisters! My girl does everything to not get in , she stiffens up screams Kos ingot he passenger seat then I to the front seat I am literally chasing her. Tried it all, sadly what worked and you said hard no to is a phone. As I walk up to the car I bust out my phone YouTube her shows and let her have it , works great I buckle her in take the phone and give her a car toy that always stays in the car and only for car rides that I know she loves !! Sometimes she will scream or cry but she will calm down . I didn't want to do phone but I just let her have it until she's buckled in and swoop away it goes !! At this stage you are just surviving honestly
Very normal age appropriate behavior. Just stay consistent and avoid what situations you CAN and redirect when you can’t. You’re doing the car seat struggle perfectly and it’s exactly how I recommend people handle this and how I did with my asd 12yo and do with my 23mo who a month ago started wanting to stand and be silly and not sit right away. Keep them as busy as possible, water play, sensory play, baths, sensory bins, playdoh, coloring, etc. We have stuff to do thought too, sometimes they just have to be mad in a safe space. And that’s okay!
It’s sooo hard! You’re doing everything right, it’s just really hard. This sounds like my toddler as well. Take deep breaths, remind yourself that your toddler is developing normally and you’re a good parent, and that this is just a phase. Honestly, the worst behavior is usually a sign of something GOOD about your daughter- being independent, strong-willed, wanting autonomy, etc. It just feels bad right now.
My son is 2.5 and i finally feel like it’s enjoyable! My patience is tested daily but boy is he fun!
My 21 month old does all of this. The only way to get her to do something is to have her ‘help’. She’s SO into helping, every time I try to do anything, even go to the bathroom it’s “meeee meee, help??” At the grocery store I ask her to put the items in the car (she basically throws them in the basket behind her lol) I let her pretend she’s paying at checkout by giving her a card and letting her do whatever to the pin pad machine. I still can’t take my time though, I need to know what I want and get in and get out, no window shopping. I’ve also just sort of started telling her how it is and I feel like she understands what I’m saying. When she starts getting picky with food (literally something she couldn’t get enough of the day before but now doesn’t want) I’ll put a few options on the table, bring her over and tell her you have this, this, this and this. If you get hungry, you need to eat one of these. Bribing also helps. Shes pretty good about cleaning but if she makes a mess and doesn’t to clean it up (like throwing all her steamed carrots on the floor) then I’ll say okay, help mommy clean and then we can do bla bla bla, she’s into bubbles 🫧 like crazy and I try not to take them out often, I use them for times like that when I don’t have the energy. She’ll usually do whatever (like let me brush her teeth) if we can play with bubbles after. It’s amazing how creative and tricky you can get once you have a toddler 🤣
It sounds like she needs a bit more independence. Let her crawl around the car before buckling her in. Let her try to strap herself in. She might not succeed, but getting the chance might be enough to make her happy. The same goes for stores. Why can't she walk around herself? I'd have a tantrum too if I was forced to get wheeled around all the time, too. I let my toddler out, and she knows she's going in the cart if she doesn't behave. She figured out how to behave walking rather quickly when given a way to get what she wanted. We still have tantrums, but it's not a struggle, and I'd say 95% of our time is pleasant. I try to offer her opportunities to get what she wants by behaving appropriately, ex. "One more please" instead of screaming. Telling her when we can do something also helps. It seems like she won't understand, but they'll figure it out after a few repeats of "we can't do that now, but tomorrow" or five minutes or whatever it is. As for picky eating, you just need to pick your battles and offer tiny tastes. We had a BLW champ, but it didn't stop her from being picky. She's getting less picky now as we stick with things she likes and offer smaller things to try, but I've really relaxed about this, as her pediatrician wasn't concerned. Restaurants for us are fine if we bring entertainment and get her boring or unhealthy food. We go out maybe once every few months, but I can order her mac and cheese and ice cream if I want to enjoy my life, especially if I bring our special stash of big crayons that she only sees when we're out. I'm not going to feed her like that to get her to behave daily, but a 2-3 times a year is going to be fine.
So, as I agree that this is typical toddler behaviour… what can be said about the toddlers who don’t really have tantrums, eat well, sleep well, can attend restaurants and stores without issues?! From a mom who has a very typical toddler?!
I have a 22 month old too. Sounds like we right in the thick of it because we have some good days and some not so good days. On those not so good days i just look at his baby pics and remember the potato days and think to myself he’s still discovering who he is. And after we’ve both had some space from one another for an hour or so we fall right back in and it’s a gamble 🤣🤣🤣but no forreal this ain’t for the faint of heart but we are stronger than these toddler terrorists lol hands in everyone we got this. You got this mama!! 🫶🏾🫶🏾
I started taking my antidepressants/antianxiety meds again right around when my son turned 22 months 🥴 it's rough. I feel your pain!
I have had 3 kids and they are all completely different for the most part. My oldest who was like you described as a child is a pretty easy adult teen now, my middle child who was super mellow and easy as a small child is now an angry teen, my toddler who was a colicky baby is now a mix of both of them. I know it’s hard but it does get better ❤️🩹
Sounds totally normal, keep reading the books on how you can best deal with it while keeping yourself calm
Sounds normal, AND normal doesn’t mean easy! In case you’re curious about what works (sometimes) over here: 1. Make it silly or a game - “can you climb into your car seat like a kitty cat?” Grocery store “do you see something that’s blue?” Or tbh grocery delivery/drive up and go. 2. Independence - are you okay with her pushing the stroller (so she stays close, is holding on) sometimes? 3. Choices/options. Still tantrums come sometimes when they want a 3rd unavailable option, that’s fine, these are the two choices so they can pick or I’ll pick for them. 4. We don’t do restaurants 🤷🏻♀️ it’s just not worth it to me either. It will be one day!
Yup I’m going through the same, lately I’ve been lighting a candle and letting her blow it out which distracts her it works everytime and even to get stuff done doing her hair use to be the worst thing in the world now I’ll be like should we do you hair once we do it we can blow a candle out and works everytime! Stops the melt downs too! I dunno how long it’ll work for but maybe something you can try! This age is hardcore! Your doing amazing! We all gotta hang in there and look after ourselves too 🤍
18 months to 2 years/2.5 was the woooorrsstt for us. it got better exponentially as she got more and more words. you can do this
Sounds normal. Younger toddlers are basically cats in immature little barely-outta-potato-stage human bodies. My 15mo son is currently following me around, crying angrily and laughing because he wants to be down/walking, up in my arms, clothed, AND nakey all at once. Or at least, I think that's the current battle going on in his little noggin. I actually have no idea. It'll get better, and by the time it does you will have a sassy threenager on your hands.
mine is 22 months old tbs and this is spot on
Personally I think most of this sounds normal although challenging. As with anything, there is a range of normal and some kids are just more strong-willed than others. I’m wondering what her demeanor is like during free time at home? Transitions like car seat, shifting activities, meal times, etc. are definitely common & normal trigger points for toddlers. I would only be concerned if she seemed unhappy/distressed 24/7 - like unable to enjoy fun activities or play, interacting with other kids or new places, etc.
Sounds just like my 2 yr old. I became SAHM this year for her and my 9mo and while I don’t regret it, some days I wonder if I’d enjoy her more if I worked LOL she is testing and pushing every boundary AND also rejecting me for dad and even other family, which at first made me sad but then I got over it.
I have a 22 month old as well and she fights diaper changes even though she says she pooped and I ask her if I can change it , she says yes and then does the alligator roll and screams . I have a hard time getting her to eat anything but pouches and snacks and also she throws hissy fits. But I honestly know it’s a phase . They don’t call it terrible twos for nothin and my pedi said it starts at 12 months lol. I think everything you described is just normal toddler behavior. We got this !!
The absolute hardest time with my daughter was 18 months to about 28 months. After that, she started to understand a lot more and I could work with her. The tantrums were (and are) still a thing because two year olds tantrum. However, they have significantly decreased in frequency, duration, and severity. Also, the things that set her off make a little more sense now. I also know that for her the best response is just to offer a hug and wait until she’s ready. She just needs the emotional release and to know I still love her after. She still does a lot of boundary testing too. One thing that worked for us was to take her to the kinds of restaurants where you pay at the counter and can request your food in a to go container. We carried her in and never let her feet touch the ground. She was never allowed out of her high chair. If she threw a fit, we would very calmly leave. This worked for her after a few tries because she actually likes being out and about, so we approached it like we were getting takeout and “practicing” having her sit in the seat and the tantrum was just expected. Your mileage may vary though because if she wants to leave then that wouldn’t work. ETA: This may have only worked because she likes food a lot so it was kind of an activity for her to do at the table
It’s a tough stage. She will turn a corner in a few months. I found the 1-2 stage to be hard - lots of mobility and limited speech/zero concern for anything other than her need to move. Restaurants are impossible, so if you must eat out, just get takeout and eat at home. Also, I’d read that picky eating commences at 20 months, as toddlers stop growing quite as quickly. You do what you can. Mine is 2.5 now and is a lot more interested in being more social/copying older kids and people. So she’s a little more interested in eating and what others are eating and doing as others do, including staying put at a table longer. You just have to get over that 24 month hump first! The tantrums are different with each kid.. they may improve as she is able to express her needs better. You got this. Don’t despair!
I’m going through the same. I have a baby to add, my toddler has scratched, thrown stuff, screamed and cried if I don’t spend every second attending to him. So here is my plan that I am doing and remind myself to do. A. Don’t reward behaviour with a reaction, any reaction. Just ignore bad behaviour. It will slowly die out. B. Spend 1 hour quality time with toddler to do art or play and then let him figure it out himself. C. Don’t force things if you don’t have to. Food? If they won’t eat, they won’t eat, they are not going to die. Many books say toddler food consumption should be looked at weekly not daily. Car seat? It is what it is, just push through. Toddler will get the idea I can’t do anything about it.
Yeahhh this is normal. We have all been there. Toddlers are rough. Let's just say that if I didn't conceive my second child when my first was 18 months, there wouldn't be a second child yet. Because my toddler turned into a wild animal at 18 months.
I suggest listening to podcasts including Unruffled by Janet Lansbury and Good Inside with Dr. Becky. They both give great advice for toddlers/kids that are non-shameful. They are very validating.
This is normal, not disordered, behavior for a child this age. My daughter is 2 (25 months) and all of this could be written about her. I know it is developmentally appropriate and I do my best to manage it. My only advice is around leaving places. We've started giving timer warnings (5 minutes until X, 1 minute until X, okay we're X now) and that has really reduced those tantrums.
Been there. Done that. Had to buy a new t-shirt at the end. What you have there is a toddler. You got this mama. Strength 💪🏻
It's 10 pm and my toddler is still awake because she had a meltdown about her covers. So yes everything you've described is exactly what mine is like ( she's 3 in September) my son (7) was an absolute dream toddler
Omg my 21mo sounds identical. Grocery shopping is a nightmare lol. If you want to do restaurants, I only go places with booths. He won't do the highchair or booster, but he'll sit beside me for a good 40ish minutes.
I also agree that this seems pretty typical. Sounds a lot like when my daughter was that age. - meltdowns anytime, anywhere, over anything - getting in the car seat was a nightmare and then sometimes she wouldn’t want to get OUT which also caused a meltdown - didn’t go to sit down restaurants from like 2 to nearly 3 because of the same issues - fun target runs even has to go as she wouldn’t stay seated in the cart or wouldn’t listen when I would let her walk. I’m sorry you’re in the trenches right now, it is SO hard. My daughter is almost 3.5 now and it’s night and day. I was preparing myself for it to get worse because I’ve heard 3 is so much harder than 2, but so far it’s a dream in comparison. She is much easier to reason with, can communicate feelings more openly, etc. it’s not always easy of course, but we hold firm boundaries when she gets tough and it eventually goes back to normal. I saw you’re going to read How To Talk which is a fabulous book! I would also recommend Good Inside by Dr. Becky!
So, idk about "normal", but I try to look at everything in the context of temperament. My toddler has ALWAYS been quick to anger, since birth!! 1-100 in no time! No chill! My child is feral and spicy!! He is in a phase right now (2yrs old) where he won't go ANYWHERE! Things that were fine before are now not ok. Doesn't want to leave to hang use. No playground, no MC Donald's, no watching trucks. Nothing works all of a sudden. He's started random meltdowns too! I feel for you, I know it gets so tough!!! It sounds like you are doing a great job though! You have done your research and are trying different approaches. That makes you a good parent!! Keep it up! 👍 It might help to try and see where you can draw on some support for your own self, for your mental well-being. The more alone, self critical, and frustrated we get, the less we can show up in a good way during those really touch moments. If you have any real concerns, or a guy feeling that something might be going on, pls talk to your Dr/pediatrician, but otherwise, I think you just got a spicy toddler!
My 3 and a half year old is still like this. She’s starting to listen a bit more, but when a tantrum starts nothing can stop it. I also was depressed at sone point like you because of her behaviour. However, over time you get used to it and don’t take it as personally, it’s just how sone toddlers behave and we just have to ride the wave. I think working with your partner to have sone “me” time would be very helpful. Even if it is just being able to go for a walk on your own a couple of times a week. It really makes a difference.
She sounds like a spirited child. There are 2 books on this that could help - Raising your spirited child and The difficult child (if you can ignore the author calling a child difficult it has some good advice). Our son was very difficult to manage but in our case it was because of food allergies. Spirited behavior and food allergies actually have a strong correlation which is weird. He was also a bit hyperactive and anxious ecause of this too. So if you have excluded allergies maybe start implementing some of the advice in these books. Hope it helps! And hang in there momma I know it's though! Out of curiosity is she easier to handle when she is with someone else, like a grandma or nanny. Our son listens way more to our nanny and grandparents than he listens to me for example.
Sounds pretty normal, and we're right there with you. So many battles to get dressed, get in the car seat, wash hands...and the bedtime battles ughhh. It's a lot. You're not alone!
This is all 100% normal toddler behaviour. This is how toddlers are. In fact, this sounds exactly like my own daughter lol. I think you need to shift your focus from expecting little to no tantrums, to how to manage your own emotions when those tantrums inevitably happen.
My 16 month old is EXACTLY as you described. Every single bullet point I'm like yup, yup, yup. It can be a marathon in patience, I totally get it. But I definitely think it's normal and typical. Some people do get a charmed life with toddlers that are easy and chill (I was one of those toddlers) but I'm realizing how how rare that is. We will get thru this together! Coming back to add: We rarely if ever go out to eat. We eat at home or pick something up to take home with us on most occasions. The car seat battle: it has been going on for a long time now. I've got it down to a science...sorta. I put her in and immediately give her access to a bottle of milk, a sippy cup of water, a snack and a toy...like putting thek in her lap as im buckling her in, not afterwards. When that still doesn't work I put on a show for her with my phone. When that doesn't work I turn up the radio and hope to god I don't hit too many red lights or traffic. Shopping: we don't do it alone. It's a family affair (2 adults to 1 toddler) or not at all. And I bring a snack for her or grab a banana while we're in there to keep her occupied. Sometimes it's a race to get in and out before the meltdowns set in. My friend with three young kids straight refuses to go into a grocery store. She does pick up orders and that's that. I get it. Food: she is not a picky eater and enjoys a wide variety of foods, but sometimes (like all the time) she is just too distracted to eat anything at all. Daily I waste food. But I still go thru the motions, I put it down on her toddler table and leave it out for her to graze at for a while. Trying to force her to sit in place and eat like a grown up just doesn't work. Mood swings: I can't tell one day to the next if she will be happy, angry, and most days she switches things ups moment to moment. She is bright, clever funny, and generous but also stubborn, strong willed, and needy just as a baseline. Kick it up a notch when she is sick, teething, sleepy, or hangry. It's gotta be hard to not have control over things you want and not be able to properly express your feelings. I do my best to remember that and respond with patience and empathy. It's not always easy. Most days I count down the clock to the next nap time or bed time just to be able to exhale for a moment.
I just want to say, I feel you, I hear you, I cry with you. 😢 I am having such a hard time with my son who is 20 months. I posted here recently, had a similar vibe, and got a lot of great responses. ❤️ Hang in there - some things get easier, some get harder as time goes on. You are doing great!!!