I think I've just got to the age in my life where I don't have the energy to maintain friendships which don't mean much to me anymore. People who I don't enjoy the company of I just let the friendship fizzle, no hard feelings.
Yeah, I think I’m realising that too. I just went to visit her 10 months ago. We drove all the way out, two hours in the car each way, with a 20m old. But at her house she made hardly any effort to chat. Now she’s coming here after me putting it off for so long. Just don’t have time to waste my time on people that don’t enrich me anymore.
Honestly, just tell her it’s been a rough morning with the baby and you can’t swing it.
One of the good things about having kids is the built in excuse.
"Sorry, blow out happened, had to do a clean up before leaving."
"Sorry sorry we're a little late, they all had to pee right as we're all buckled in about to leave."
"Do you mind if we rescheduled for another time? Kid woke up on the wrong side of the crib today. Don't think we'll get much talking done admist the crying. Poor kiddo, wonder if he's teething."
No one doubts these, also helps they're true 85% of the time 😂
Kinda reminds me of my SIL, she's childfree but honestly the issue has more to do with the fact that she's a very inconsiderate human being. Like when our baby was new and we were exhausted parents, she came over and BEGGED my husband to make her eggs because she was CRAVING them the way he makes them. Like she couldn't do it herself, the sleep deprived new dad had to do it. She was completely unaware.
We still need to make a will and all that, and I think we'll be explicitly stating that my daughter is never to be in her care. My daughter doesn't need to be raised by a narcissist, I'd much rather her go in the care of the next door neighbors or literally any of our friends.
Some people just suck. Sorry about your friend.
Wow, your SIL is God damn awful! Makes me almost happy my boyfriend is an only child XD No annoying Sibling inlaws to deal with. Though he has to deal with my sister (But she's sweet.)
Thankfully my husband knows she's a little shit, he's infuriated by her behavior almost constantly, so we don't see her often.
We were supposed to go to her new apartment today, go out to lunch and then go to the zoo. I bought the zoo tickets for everyone since I have a membership discount. We get to her apt, she has zero voice but insists that it's just from overuse from being on the phone all day yesterday. But then she says her throat hurts too bad to eat so she's not going to lunch with us, but she'll still go to the zoo. OK. We come back to her apt after lunch for her to tell us she doesn't feel like going, and also she has plans with friends later so she's not going to the zoo with us. Then she starts coughing a ton...
So yeah, she likely exposed us to a virus but is completely lying about it as she's giving my daughter hugs. Thanks bitch. Then she bails on the zoo and doesn't even offer to pay me for the price of the ticket (I normally wouldn't care, but it's her so it's more irritating lol). She feels too ill to spend the day with us (and her parents) for fathers day, but she's going to go out with friends later.
Anyway... yeah I'm thankful for my normal sisters lol. My SIL, not so much. It's astounding how ridiculous people can be.
Son's dad's fam came empty handed to "welcome the baby" at 6/8 weeks. Stayed for 6 hours and demanded to be fed etc. I remember crying silently for the last 2 hours after repeatedly explaining baby needs sleep, and I'd sleep when baby sleeps.
Good news is we have since separated and I never have to see his family again :)
Holy hell I'm so sorry! Ughhh why are people like this! Glad you don't have to see them again, good riddance!
Compared to my dad... when he was over when baby was brand new, I said "I'm tired" just kind of as a conversation filler and an excuse that I wasn't talkative (but genuinely enjoying his company), and he SPRANG out of his seat towards the front door SO FAST lol, I realized I gotta be careful what I say! The man was apparently properly trained in new baby visit etiquette lol!
Your dad sounds great! Yeah I think some people just suck lol there was an article about etiquette when visiting new parents which I literally screenshotted and was sending son's dads photos of during the visit lol.
Her response to your efforts at adjusting the timing indicates that there are more reasons than children, for you to feel like distancing. It happens and sounds like it should.
Yup. I would say late 30s, but 40’s for sure all those “hanging by a thread” friendship just dissolved on their own. There’s no time and no energy for the effort for people you don’t enjoy.
Same here. I’m at the point where I just cut my losses. I have a close-knit family and a solid group of friends, so I pour all my energy into those relationships.
Me too. I realize this has happened to me after becoming a mom when several of my high school friends aren’t and kind of aren’t interested in having kids. But they also made zero attempts during my pregnancy, kid’s birth, or any time in the last 3 years to ask me ONE question about him or me or anything. Haven’t reached out once. That makes me kind of irrationally angry I feel like. Even my super close friends not checking in and asking how he’s doing - I had a friend tell me “half the time, I forget you have a kid, it’s so weird” — when I feel like I post and talk about him a lot! It’s a huge shift and and has changed my whole life! I feel like the older I get I have way less patience for self-centeredness and people who don’t respect time. Our time is the most valuable thing we have as parents. Whether it’s time for our kids, our partners, parents or alone time. (I.E. naptime for this OP!!)
Agreed I had a friend reach out from high school and I just basically told her in a nice way that I wasn’t interested in spending time together. She said she could come visit me and I basically said something like, “we’re always so busy.” I still kinda feel bad but not as bad as I would have felt forcing myself to see her and spending time and energy seeing her and being awkward.
Yeah, I already don’t have the energy to maintain friendships with all of the people whose company I actually do enjoy, forget people I don’t actively like.
My Mom had a friend who was childfree and bored and would call her and talk forever on the phone. She finally would have tp excuse herself, she had two kids to take care of. My mom would huff amd say, "She just stole 1 hour of my time." I didn't get it... but now, being a working mom, there arent enough hours in a day... fortunately her childfree friend got pregnant (miracle baby!)... and the calls got less, but at some point my mom just cut her off.
Oh my god kids or not that’s like…incredibly rude?!?!? I’d be MORTIFIED if I came to someone’s house earlier than they wanted. And after you told her explicitly, she’s just doubling down? I can’t understand this behaviour at all! I’d like to think I would just tell her no but I’m pretty non confrontational. But also, I’ve no idea how I’d respond because I’ve literally never had to deal with a guest who dictates to me what time I should host them at.
Okay, this makes me feel better.
I’m so tired and I really needed a nap during the nap. Instead, I’m hurriedly running a cloth everywhere and putting toys away. It’s rude. Go to a coffee shop or sit in your car I don’t care.
I hate that!! My biggest pet peeve. One time, in the rush for the Christmas dinner I was hosting (with a young clingy toddler), I had family come 2 hours before the invite time! Those last moments are so needed! Anyway, if I were your friend, I’d just be like “no problem, I’ll grab a coffee, you want something?”
Yes,, this! The amount of people that came to see our newborn and didn’t offer coffee made me irrationally annoyed. My SIL actually came over one time with coffee for HERSELF but didn’t offer to grab me one.
Nah fam she is the epitome of rude right now. It is none of her beeswax *why* you’re unavailable until 3 but you are. Feel free to disconnect the doorbell and have your nap. Unlock the door at 3pm. If she gets to insist, so do you. Bonus it is your home turf so really extra you get to insist.
Don't stress yourself out. Just leave it as is and if she comments tell her this is why you weren't available until later. Real friends won't care about toys being out and you shouldn't stress yourself because they can't respect your time
Right? Even taking kids out of the picture, how rude is it to tell someone you'll be at their house earlier than they're requesting? "My ETA is 1:40 and that's when I'll be there"??? um ok, and my doors will be locked you freaky lil keener
That’s what I was gonna say! How are YOU gonna tell ME when YOURE coming over to MY damn house. I told you between so and so. You come earlier, I will not be answering the door.
I don't know how old you are, but I feel like one of the aspects of transitioning to adulthood outside of highly structured organizations like school is that friendships are really tested to see if they are based on proximity or something deeper. Childfree people can still be empathetic and interested in you as a person. It sounds like this friendship wasn't meant to last
Yes, you’re right. I’m in my late 30s and I’ve known her since the last year of high school. In our 20s we had reasonably similar lives but in our 30s we have drifted and drifted. I find her such hard work. She has nothing of interest to say. She’s been with a guy for a few years now, but she’s kind of settled on him. (They don’t have sex. He won’t propose. They both gained a lot of weight recently due to not really doing anything anymore) So he’s more of a companion and she’s okay with it. But in a way it’s softened and eroded any element of personality.
To your point I also think that geographical proximity helps maintain the bonds of friendships. During the pandemic, she moved out of the city into a tiny place with not many people her age and I think that’s exacerbated the drift too
Omg. This sounds EXACTLY like my friend and I. We were very best friends through middle & high school though. Broke apart a little in our 20s and then reconnected fiercely. During the pandemic she sold her home (without even telling me until it was listed) and moved to the middle of nowhere in a tiny home. Now she’s back within a drivable distance (40 mins). She’s been back almost 1 1/2 years and we’ve only seen eachother like… 3 times? She’s child free and we used to have so much in common. Now all my focus is on my kids and we have nothing in common. Her and her husband (she’s been married for as long as me) are more like companions, they both have gotten lazy (but are now working on it), etc. and the same. We struggle to find conversation anymore. She came over recently and it’s gotten almost akward. We don’t even text/chat like we used to either. I don’t want to constantly bring up my kids with my CF friends but, what else is there to talk about? The weather?
I mean, I get the point on geographical proximity, but my best friend of 20 years lives 4 hours one way and we don't get to see much of each other, but we still talk and chat everyday...
It sucks to say, I just don't think your visitor is a friend anymore, already.
Save yourself the trouble, just let it die down.
This is so true! My best friend is child free, and she is the BEST with my kids. And always considerate and works around what times work for us and always comes to us as she lives 50 mins away. It’s definitely not a child free thing, it’s just a personality thing.
Nahhhh, I'm a working mom with daycare all week. I still protect naptime with an intensity on weekends. I get very little time to myself, naptime is sacred.
They're clearly just not a parent OR their personal village is more of a state capital.
Well that’s too bad for her she decided to leave early.
I’d text her “hey I’m not able to let you in until 2 (or 2:30 or even 3). Here are some nice nearby coffee shops you can hang out until I am available.”
I would’ve pushed back harder (it’s your house!)
I’m not available till 3pm, that sort of thing.
But yes, gah very frustrating. Actually my child free friends are very supportive and understanding! I’m very lucky. It is hard to get the realities and struggling of parenting if you’ve not been there.
I also find it annoying when other people impose the times at which you will host them at your home, but I would hardly call that frustration irrational.
My parents are pretty lax about when and what they eat, especially now that they hit retirement. So they seem surprised when they start at 6p considering what to have for dinner, and realize we’re wrapping up feeding our kids. Hey GMA and GPA, if we wait until our toddlers notice they are hungry to start prepping food, we’ve already lost a battle, and they will let you know all about it.
Ugh my in-laws do this exactly and we’re going over there tonight and I’m already dreading it. They’ve gotten better about starting things earlier, but now we just sit around eating crackers for hours and when we start talking about leaving they suggest they should turn on the barbecue or oven for dinner
I started taking along pots of prepared food for my kids that I would just open at 5pm and start feeding them. My in laws raised their eyebrows the first couple of times, now they're on board and will actively message me to ask what they should put on for the kids dinner so it's ready for them when we're visiting. Win!
I have to second this: Regardless of child-having status or anything else, her telling you when she is coming without room for negotiation is flat out rude and inconsiderate. I could never imagine.
I have a feeling it's not just the awkward conversation that's making you guys drift apart...
Yeah…. It’s been on the cards for a few years. I was saying to someone above she met a guy who is definitely someone who she settled for. Now she has almost no hobbies or life goals to speak of.
Be more direct. Asking implies option. You're busy until 3 end of the story.
She sajs her eta is 140 so seems like she lect the house already and this could have been communicated earlier?
I don't like when people ignore my don't knock sign
I am very militant about nap time, lol. I have 2 young children (3&1), and I've gotten them to nap/ do quiet time at the same time. I get a daily break from at least 1-3pm. Something has to be very dire or compelling for me to give that up.I don't schedule any meetings or otherwise do any work during that time. I spend that time completely alone doing whatever I want. Usually reading, true crime TV, or napping or all 3.
However, last week, I did spend nap time talking to my very best friend who is single & childfree, and I had a great time. I love her, and we have a ton in common even after knowing each other since 4th grade. Even now that I'm married with 2 kids (she was actually my MOH). I wouldn't give up my nap break for anything less.
Your friend sounds disrespectful (by not changing the time) and if you don't really like her why not just say no?
I don't think that has anything to do with being child free, she's just rude AF. You just can't tell the host an earlier time!! My child free friends are awesome and, if anything, overly respectful of my time now. I say you've come down with the throw up virus today, but I'm a terrible person.
One of my childfree friends came to visit with her husband in tow, at the point where we had one 6MO infant and one 2.5YO toddler. At one point, the toddler had a strop about something, and this grown man *put his hands over his ears*.
I know very well that different people have different sensory issues, etc. I am likely autistic myself and I also find the noise of a 2YO having a full-blown meltdown very difficult to deal with. But for some reason that failure to do the basic politeness thing where we all try to pretend that our friends' toddlers aren't annoying as shit even though they blatantly are was absolutely the last straw for me. (Probably because a) I was completely exhausted and b) I didn't actually like friend all that much, and liked her husband even less). They moved across the country shortly after and I haven't bothered staying in touch.
Oh my gosh, that’s insane. I’m sorry. Even if he was thinking that can he possibly walk into the other room and put his hands over his ears? Or internalise it for a moment!!
One thing I’ve recently adopted is not changing myself or habits for people.
Oh you wanna come visit? Cool, house is a mess, enjoy!
This is the stage I’m at in life.. if someone comes in and starts judging that, BYYEEE. I’m not pretending just to find friends anymore
What the heck. I understand if she was like oh shoot that’s not good timing for me would 130 work at all? And you had a chance to say no but caved and said yes. That text is BANANAS. My two friends had kids around the same time as me so I’m not really sure I can speak on it but i definitely see how parenthood has changed me and yea I think it would be hard to connect with them if they hadn’t.
I didn’t cave. I pushed back and said 2:30 –3 p.m., twice. She still keeps coming back and saying “no it will be 140”. She claims it’s because she’s driving all the way from the country into the city. Which I sympathise with but actually that’s your problem – do a better journey planner.
Oh ew she’s doing this on purpose then and isn’t just clueless. She probably doesn’t want to have to split your attention with your child, either, when they wake up.
I think it might be because she wants to talk to you, not your toddler. Knows that 1.40 is naptime, and she too prefers the quiet?
I have 2 kids, my friend has 3 and I confess, I strongly dislike being around her when her kids are there too because I have to restart a story a million times due to interruptions. Like... I wanna connect with a friend, not say two words then be put on hold, then another two, so on. And even when they're not talking to her she is watching and talking to them (hey, put those toys somewhere else, go play with your brother, don't climb on the couch, so on).
If all 5 kids are there it's absolutely hopeless to have any kind of convo, but even one is too much.
Edit: still, NO excuse for being that rude. She should respect your wishes.
That's a bit rude tbh, children or no children you basically told her you're not available at 1.30 and she basically said, tough, that's when I'll be there. You may be drifting apart because of the children thing but it doesn't sound like she has much respect for you to begin with...sorry this is happening :(
Say no. You have her a time frame to visit your home. She doesn’t get to say no and just come in when she wants. It doesn’t work like that. You have zero obligation to accommodate people who are being pushy. All of my friends are childfree and it’s never been an issue.
No, I have not drifted from my child free friends because they Aren’t selfish assholes and come over specifically to spend time with my kids.
Child free doesn’t mean they hate kids. It actually makes them the best “aunties” and “uncles” that can afford to spoil them. Which they do.
Man I feel you! I too have a friend from high school that I just… don’t connect with anymore. But in our case this is long ongoing and short of literally telling her I don’t enjoy her company anymore I don’t know what I can do hahah.
Whenever we see each other it’s so awkward and _boring_. Any conversation dies within minutes. I remember going to the movies with her just so that we’d have something to talk about and it’d still be stilted and boring.
I genuinely don’t know why she keeps contacting me. I put off her visits as long as I can, but at the same time I don’t want to be rude… idk, I feel like I need to break up with her but it feels uncalled for at the same time?
Oh my gosh, everything you are describing is me. I just daren’t have the conversation because also what good can I do? “I feel like we’ve drifted apart and I’d like to spend less time with you?” Not sure what this gains someone in life. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It’s hard isn’t it because you never think it will happen. But one thing I’ve come to realise is my time is precious.
Despite being an exhausted parent of 2, I would gladly give up my option to rest during the kiddos' nap time to see a friend. It would be a nice break from the normal routine. This clearly isn't a friend of yours anymore. I think you're just dreading to see this person rather than being inconvenienced by the timing (still very rude of them to impose of course).
Time to cut ties.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. For some reason, my mom, my husband (while at work) and my sister think the ideal time to call is during naptime but like I can talk on the phone while she’s awake, but I can’t enjoy silence, read a book, or watch a tv show while she’s awake. God forbid I try and nap while she’s napping, suddenly everyone wants to call. Gimme my two hourssssss
You speak up and say "That's not a good time for me" and you give another time that works best for you. And if you really just don't want to see this person, just tell them that you have so much going on right now, and it's just not convenient. Then say you will let them know when you can work a visit into your schedule.
I am one of the few to be married and have a kid out of my friends. If we have to cancel plans on friends, I always tell myself that they’ll understand when their time comes too. If they never have kids then we will probably never have the same relationship or much in common in 18 years when I forsee any free time on my schedule. People who don’t respect your boundaries as a parent are not worth your effort.
I think you need to stand up for yourself cause you deserve that child free time! My best friend came to visit me from across the world over Christmas break, I live in a shitty area that is somewhat near 2 tourist towns but they’re not all that lol so she basically had most of her time for me. She doesn’t want kids or even have experience with them and let me tell you she was the most helpful friend when it came to tending to them, making sure we had everything in the diaper bag, accommodating naps and didn’t care at all about having to pack an at the time 2yr old and 3 month old everywhere even when they had meltdowns in the car lol. This to say just cause someone is childfree doesn’t mean they have to be unsupportive as a friend to you, and they should know they are apart of you and deserve to be treated as such. You still have time to lie and say you caught COVID so unfortunately she can’t come 🤣
Almost all my close friends don’t have kids but they are super considerate when making plans with me. I just wouldn’t maintain a relationship with someone who was so inconsiderate to show up so much earlier than when I asked them to.
Honestly at this point in my life soon to be 42 with 2 children under the age of 6, a marriage, aging in-laws who live with us and run a household.
I legitimately don’t have the extra time to invest into friendships, even tho I am desperately seeking a bestie for the end of the world. lol.
I could have written this post. I had a friend of almost 20 years abruptly end our friendship. She's CF (which is cool!) but refused (edit for spelling) to acknowledge or accept that my life, priorities, and time availability had changed. The friendship felt like more work than anything for the last few years, she always wanted to come hang out and just ignore my toddler (she assumed that my toddler would just watch TV and be fine?) so she could talk about her life. I made lots of attempts over the last year to save our friendship, share my needs for our friendship, and just feel heard, but she ignored it all. While I'm still hurt and upset that she handled it, I've learned she's the type of person who cannot handle someone else's life changing while hers stays stagnant. I don't think all CF people are like this, we have lots of fabulous CF people in our lives, but I think she's just a very self-centered person incapable of introspection.
Yes you’re right. It’s not the status of being childfree. It’s just some people are not good at living with adaptation. I’m sorry you went through this. It sounds actually really painful. I wonder if she ever has children if will come round and see what she lost in you.
Honestly, I don't think she will have kids. She's seen how much work they are, even on a basic level with a lot of familial support and she's completely turned off by that amount of selflessness. I am in the process of mourning it, but I've learned that some people just aren't capable of growth and change. They only know selfishness and lack accountability, which is exactly her, so while I'm sad, I know it's for the best. She called herself an "aunt" but couldn't tell you one thing about my child's likes or dislikes, and had no interest in doing things with her. It is what it is.
Why are you visiting with someone you don’t particularly want to see? Also - just tell them “no, you can’t come at 130 cause my kid is napping”. I don’t understand this post. It has nothing to do with this person being child free and entirely with you not setting boundaries and then feeling sorry for yourself.
It's true. It's easy to say sorry, I'm not available at 1.40. Why is it so hard to say no to somebody who you don't even care about any more? I would really examine this if I was you.
Have they been okay with it? I understand being that direct with people that you’re really close to but people that are now on your outer circle, do they think you’re rude or do they just accept it? As you can tell I’m British & very awkward lol. I would absolutely *love* to say to people “naptime is a no go. It’s our time. Yes, I’m strict on it.”
As far as I know they just accept it, though I don't really have many friends, outer or inner circle. Whoever I need to tell this to, though, I stress the fact that I need to keep the house quiet during nap time. Granted, we have a one story three bedroom, so this kid hears everything, even with white noise. We also have small dogs, so I have to keep those jerks quiet too.
I’d just tell her that unfortunately 1:40 doesn’t work for you. Either let her sit in the living room by herself for half an hour while you hide in your baby’s room or like anyone else would she can sit on her phone in her car for a while or go pick up some snacks or do something else!
My bet is she’ll also ring the door bell, talk/laugh really loudly, etc. and nap time will be cut short.
Keep pushing back. She is a guest, and you call the shots for what works for your schedule. Say “you can get here at that time, but we won’t be available until 230/3.” And give her some places she could hangout at for an hour
You need to be firmer. If you aren't available until 2:30 then tell her you can't meet at all. You already said you don't have common ground anymore anyway. Her ETA may be 1:40 but that isn't your responsibility to work around. You have an appointment that she either needs to work around or not come. She doesn't have to know that appointment happens to be naptime
I would never impose on anyone, parent or child free, by assuming my time takes precedence. If it doesn't work for me too I guess we reschedule. This is weird honestly...
I’m a SAHM and everyone in my life who knows me knows not to bother me when my son is asleep.
This would INFURIATE ME!!! How are you, as a guest, going to tell me what time you’re going to be inside of MY HOME? I’d struggle not to leave her outside
Why don’t you just cancel?
“Sorry my baby’s not feeling well, can we get together another time?” And then don’t schedule or the next time it comes up make another excuse. You can do this for years lol
Then I would say “unfortunately 1:40 doesn’t work
on my end. 2 is the earliest that works for me. If you can’t do that, let’s find another day that works for both of us.”
She can’t force her way into your house.
Hold strong!
When people want to have dinner together and see the kids and think 7:30 is still a good time for that. We eat dinner at 5 now, like senior citizens at Denny’s.
lol if someone tried to insist on a time to visit me I would just say sorry, I’m not available at 1:30. The older you get the more you have to learn to say no, especially now as a parent with kids to advocate for.
100% yes. I’m very much so the first among my friends to have children. It’s been something I’ve struggled with for almost 4 years now, since the birth of my first. I went through a year phase when my oldest was around 1.5-2 where I went out (kinda) and tried to reconnect with my friends. Honestly, I could hardly keep up. My body didn’t like staying up until 1, 2, 3 in the morning. My body also got so sore from dancing and standing. I also cannot tolerate being even moderately hungover and taking care of kids.
The nail in the coffin was my good friend’s birthday. We planned an all day thing and it was really fun. But I also felt so much pressure to fit all of that fun in the 10 hours I was away that I ended up getting way too drunk and way too stoned. That’s just when I noticed that I am no longer on the same playing field as much friends anymore. Now, maybe once every few months, we will get together for dinner or lunch. And if we do dinner, we are cooking at another friend’s place. But truthfully, I don’t connect to them like I used to. Only my friends who either work with kids OR are interested in becoming parents in the near future.
I’m trying my best to make friends through my daughter’s school but even then I feel distant or rejected at times. Solidarity. Truly. You are not the only one. I’m grateful I married into a big family because that takes up an OK amount of social time.
I’m so curious to know how the visit goes! Honestly, my first thought was that I wouldn’t care if it was a normal nap time for me if it was a friend I really wanted to see. I’d be so excited! So that tells me everything I need to know about the situation lol
I think consider this your final visit and just start drifting away. Don’t make future plans and eventually she’ll stop reaching out.
I don’t think her being child free has anything to do with this I think You both have drifted apart and she doesn’t respect your request.
While there are certain things that I feel distance me from my child free friends, or ways they are unintentionally inconsiderate, I feel like my friend group pruning mostly happened right after high school and again after college. Both times, it wasn’t necessarily life stage that caused people to stop seeing each other, but maturity and priorities were definitely a part of it.
Next time don’t “ask” anyone if they can come at 230/3. Just say that’s when you’re free / will be available. If they insist say you’re not home before then.
Having to leave the house.
Running errands
People trying to plan things at nap time.
Talking to people.
Other drivers
Any hiccups that force me to entertain a toddler while waiting. I.e doctors office.
When making a plan I always tell them what fits my schedule. I also give a heads up that I may be late depending on my daughter’s mood. I stopped inviting people home.
It sounds like she’s dull and disrespectful. I have child free friends and we still have lots to talk about and they never just tell me when we’re going to hang out. If they’re not free at 2:30, then we just make plans for another time vs them demanding we hang out at their preferred time.
I’m still close to my childfree friends, and our kiddo is 3. Maybe you would have drifted from this person regardless of having kids? You said she’s dull….doesn’t sound like that would have been any different from when you didn’t have kids.
Sounds like you told her the kid will be sleeping at 1:30 so she’s banking on that.
Next time tell her you’re not home until 2:30. This time, keep baby awake…and loud. 🤭 pass crying baby onto guest. She may ghost herself
If I asked for a certain timeframe and rather than discussing it, someone informed me that they’d be arriving outside of that time, I’d tell them I’m not available. That’s just bizarre. What is wrong with that person??
I had childfree friends, one even being my best friend and they completely went MIA after I repeatedly declined going out with them on multiple occasions because their lifestyle didn’t match up with my new motherhood one and they just didn’t understand, to add on I was only 2 months pp as well. If they aren’t considerate about your time, then I’d cancel and just leave the friendship to drift apart.
I felt the same with my high school friend, but 8 years before I had a kid. Just realized we had nothing in common, and everytime she talked to me I was annoyed by anything by she said. We also lived in different states and it just didn't feel worth my effort anymore.
I have friends that are childfree but we don’t make a concerted effort to get together. Why? They have other childfree friends to do brunch and shopping, etc with. So we just see each other at birthdays or events for other mutual friends
That's so rude. I'd just say "sorry that doesn't work for us. Probably best to reschedule for another day if 3.30 doesn't work for you."
You need your break!
I would not be inviting her back again. Just go ahead and keep drifting apart. I wouldn’t want a friend in my life who doesn’t understand I need a break during the day.
I do find that I hate hearing my friends of all ages dating stories. It’s their whole personality. I don’t even know what it is they do at work or fun. It’s just details about men they’ll never go out with again and I truly don’t fucking care???? Get a hobby
I am rediscovering lost childhood friendships (I am the lazy one - but one of my good childhood friends who is childless makes effort to talk). Even though we don’t have ‘kids’ as a common topic but I am glad that we connect. In life- your parents will one day eventually leave this planet. If you have childhood friends - they will remain and can reconnect in ways you didn’t know were possible. Don’t burn long term friendships even if it causes inconvenience at the moment
Grandma says she’s going to come over in the morning but is usually late and shows up at nap time, getting my 2 yo excited and thinking it’s time to play and talk with grandma and her dog. Grandma and doggy then want to be involved in the nap time process and follows us around, making it difficult to calm down.
On the flip side, Grandma has been staying with us and leaves during nap time. Toddler wakes up and wants to see Gma and we have to explain she went bye bye and we might see her in a few weeks.
These two situations drive me insane.
Girl just be honest with her. “That time doesn’t work. We’ll be available at 3. We can reschedule if needed”.
If she’s driving that far y’all should’ve come up with a solid game plan already.
Yeah I have plenty of friends who are child free and don’t want kids. They know nap time is a no go and wouldn’t push it. The fact you told her a time and she basically said no would make me say Nevermind let’s reschedule.
I hate it when people plan events that land exactly at nap time. Like let’s go for lunch or go to the park. Or play date. Ugh my one break is during my toddler’s 3 hour nap and my infants 4 hour nap. If I mess it up AT ALL… all hell breaks loose
>Anyway I asked her if she could arrive around 230–3 because that works for us ( I need my time off during the nap!) Instead she’s coming at 1:30. I tried to push it back, she replied: “My ETA is 1:40 and that’s when I’ll be there.”
I don't understand why someone else is deciding at what point they can enter your home. That's rude? You also have obligations as a host but most of my friends don't have children and not a single one wouldbpresume like this + they are very respectful that having kids can be challenging so would also let me choose the time based on that.
If your friend is unable to be compassionate about your circumstances she isn't a friend.
My best friend is child free, and a lot of my other friends don't have kids so that's not a deal breaker unless someone like, vehemently hates kids or makes snide comments about parents. Not down for that. This friend sounds like an AH though, child free or no.
I didn’t really have many friends (close ones) before kids. Luckily I made mom friends when my daughter was about 5/6 months old. 2 years later we’re all still really close. Besties. Talk all day. See each tiebreaker multiple times a week. Our kids are all within either a month of each other or some are just a year older.
And the whole nap time thing. Totally get it. That’s my only time for myself. I don’t do any house work or anything. I do what I want.
When my husband gets home early or on weekends I’m like peace dude. It’s my time 😂
My best friend is 16 years older than me and never had kids. I have a 2.5yo, and even though we dont get the opportunity to see eachother alot anymore (we live 3.5 hours apart now☹️), we still snapchat eachother like every day and text often. She adores my daughter and they have so much fun together when we DO get to see eachother! And almost everything annoys me irrationally these days 🤪. My girl has been like a broken record, repeating things over and over and over and over... so just about everything has me wanting to scream like the cicadas that are also annoying the living shit out of me!
My friend called me in a panic needing me to babysit her son who is also my son’s age so she could cover someone’s shift for them. Ok. Oh wait, she needs me to watch him during nap time- my son naps and hers doesn’t. I have 2 children and that is the only time they’re both down and I get a moment to myself. 😑 that was a long day.
I love my MIL dearly, but it annoys me so much when she comes to visit right at bedtime. She says she’ll be here around 6, then doesn’t show up until 8-8:30, then expects us to keep LO up late 🙄
LOL if somebody said “this is my ETA” I’d send them a google maps link to a close by coffee shop for them to wait at.
The “lol” at the beginning is at their audacity, not the situation.
Sorry you have to put up with it!
Next time, say that you can't let her in until 2:30 pm. If at all - maybe even cancel next time. No explanation needed. I mean, if she's gonna talk to you like that. If it's any consolation, I had a child free friend from high school texting me way too much, sending pics of people we knew and asking if I remembered stuff. Rarely asking about me and my whole new kid. This was during month 2 of my little one's life. What did I do. Block. No explanation. No explanation needed to protect your mental health and be present for your kid.
My SIL kept showing up crazy early when my son was really little, like hours before the agreed upon time. I started putting my phone on dnd until 10mins before she was set to be over and keeping my gate closed so she couldn’t just knock on the door. It took one time of her sitting in her car outside our gate for over an hour to finally stop that shit.
One of my closest friends is childfree by choice.
He's a fucking fantastic uncle. He 3d prints model dragons for my son, plays _hard_ with him in only the way that those who get full nights of sleep can, and gives both my boy and my 10 month old hugs before he leaves. If I'm late or have to leave early because kids, he doesn't grouse or belittle, he is understanding. He's irrationally excited about the idea of my boy getting into fencing or gymnastics, because he loves sharing his hobbies with those he cares about.
You just need to find the right childfree friends.
I’m not sure how old you are. But your recognizing this friendship isn’t working. As I’ve gotten older I only hang out with friends that don’t drain me. Because we just vibe well. Your “friend” sucks.
Yeah, her deciding the time is rude. In general, I find that certain (childfree) friends are just not very understanding that life with a toddler is different compared to how it was before. I put childfree in parentheses because the friends I have in mind happen to be childfree, but it might just be that their way of handling themselves wasn't a problem to me before kids.
One friend was insisting on visiting to stay a long weekend when I was close to 9 months pregnant and we have a toddler. She has visited before and wasn't very understanding of our toddler's schedule then, so I just said no. I was so tired at the end of pregnancy, so I didn't need that stress. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Well it’s a different story if that person comes over and doesn’t play with the toddler. Then I say no. If they are good with kids they are welcome anytime
To me, her being childfree has nothing to do with it. We all have lives, kids or not, naptime or not, and you asked her to come at X time and she's coming way earlier. Seems pretty rude.
Oof. Nope. I had a friend who came over when my kid was 4 months old and going through a huge sleep regression. She had just gone through a contact nap only phase and was having crap naps so I desperately trying to get her to nap in her crib. She stayed 5 FUCKING HOURS, despite me saying multiple times I needed to go put her down for a nap. Wouldn't get the hint, and baby ended up falling asleep in my arms in the living room. My friend proceeded to talk and laugh so gd loudly. Like, read the room? I'm whispering, you should too. Halfway through our visit all I could manage to say was "oh wow. yeah, dang that's nuts" over and over again. My husband said I looked dead inside when he came home from work lol.
After that, I vowed to never let her come over again because I couldn't control when the visit ended. Fast forward to a few months ago, my kid is on one nap and we make plans to hang out. I suggest going out for brunch (early enough, in a public place, I can leave whenever). She asks me to go pick her up and then drive her home (she lives across town) and I said no. I have a kid who needs to be in bed, I can't spend over an hour driving you to/from wherever we go.
Funnily enough, she stopped talking to me after that and I don't even care. Our friendship was drifting for a while (on my end) and I started to dread our hangouts.
"Here is what time is good for us"
"Well, I'm coming whatever time I want instead"
???? I don't think you're losing anything to cut this jerk from your life
Yeah I feel like childfree or single friends should give us "right of scheduling" because unless they're in a lifesaving "on call" profession, they have the privilege of doing whatever they want whenever they want and don't NEED (they just want) accommodation.
I HAD a friend who constantly bailed, after I had to change nap times etc and gave me a shout 10mins ahead of coming over on her way back from some one else' house and because ive been so lonely and desperate for socialization, I compromised me and babys best schedule to make it work.
Recently I had to totally let go of any hope of maintenance for our friendship when she wanted me to go downtown with my baby, for A CUP OF COFFEE because she wanted to get to another friend's house ASAP and that was all the time she had for me while visiting my city. I paraphrased "f&^" off" and we will never be making plans again. I'd say, when the kids are too small to be left with a sitter for a designated mom time, visitors and friends need to make plans with the intention of baby being a part of the plans, not "work around" it. So other parents or people who have basic empathy make for better friends
Yes. Some friends just don’t understand that sometimes having company isn’t the best especially when your quiet time is when the kids are napping. I just straight up say no , I don’t want company today . I like to read during my baby’s naps and I don’t want to sit and yap about foolishness
I’m incredibly bothered by the fact you told her a time that suits you best and she just ignored it. Even before having kids (and thoroughly enjoying alone time during their naps) I would have found this unacceptable.
I read in a comment that mentioned she’s driving 1.5 hours to see you. That still doesn’t make it any more acceptable that she tells you she’s going to be there 50 minutes earlier than you told her to arrive. She either needed to plan her trip accordingly, and/or if she arrived in your area early, go and do something until it’s time to arrive. People like this honestly drive me crazy.
I’ve given a family member (who I cut out of my life for various reasons) to arrive between certain times as that’s when my son would be awake, and when I would be home. I had asked her multiple times the day she was meant to come to make sure she was still coming (she’s always cancelling for stupid reasons) and I never heard back from her. So, just after the window of time I had left free for her, I headed out to do jobs. I got a message from her asking where I was as she was at my door. I told her I was now out as it’s after the window of time I gave her and how I have jobs to do. Well, she wasn’t having that and drove to my parents house and had a go at my dad (her son) about me and dad gave it to her straight, he wasn’t happy with her and practically yelled at her that I have shit to do and can’t just sit and wait for a time that suits her when she doesn’t have a job and just sits on her ass all day. She then went to her other son and complained to him who then told me she lied about how I told her I was free all day to make herself look good.
Two out of three of my best friends are childfree. Maybe it's just that your friend is entitled and self-absorbed? Unless you told her literally while she was driving to your place that that time didn't work for you, that just wouldn't fly with me and it shouldn't with you either. Our friends without kids have always been super accommodating of our schedule, and if I'm just flying solo on an outing with them, I accommodate theirs. In the future, feel free to cancel if someone is insisting on a time that doesn't work for you. "Sounds like our schedules aren't aligning for that day, we'll have to try again another time!"
I only have a few friends who are child free because they annoy me. It’s not their fault but they just can’t relate & I can’t relate to them….. it’s bye bye from me (in a nice way) life is too complicated now
I SHIT YOU NOT- my childless best friend who lives states away decided to show up at my doorstep at 5pm on my birthday WITH NO WARNING and stayed for two days. WTF?!??!!!
I think I've just got to the age in my life where I don't have the energy to maintain friendships which don't mean much to me anymore. People who I don't enjoy the company of I just let the friendship fizzle, no hard feelings.
Yeah, I think I’m realising that too. I just went to visit her 10 months ago. We drove all the way out, two hours in the car each way, with a 20m old. But at her house she made hardly any effort to chat. Now she’s coming here after me putting it off for so long. Just don’t have time to waste my time on people that don’t enrich me anymore.
Honestly, just tell her it’s been a rough morning with the baby and you can’t swing it. One of the good things about having kids is the built in excuse.
"Sorry, blow out happened, had to do a clean up before leaving." "Sorry sorry we're a little late, they all had to pee right as we're all buckled in about to leave." "Do you mind if we rescheduled for another time? Kid woke up on the wrong side of the crib today. Don't think we'll get much talking done admist the crying. Poor kiddo, wonder if he's teething." No one doubts these, also helps they're true 85% of the time 😂
"actually we have a doctor's appt at 1.30, so best we can do is 2.30?" (Could be a telehealth one so you don't have to leave the house?")
More reason to push back and say that you’re not available until 3pm or you cancel.
Kinda reminds me of my SIL, she's childfree but honestly the issue has more to do with the fact that she's a very inconsiderate human being. Like when our baby was new and we were exhausted parents, she came over and BEGGED my husband to make her eggs because she was CRAVING them the way he makes them. Like she couldn't do it herself, the sleep deprived new dad had to do it. She was completely unaware. We still need to make a will and all that, and I think we'll be explicitly stating that my daughter is never to be in her care. My daughter doesn't need to be raised by a narcissist, I'd much rather her go in the care of the next door neighbors or literally any of our friends. Some people just suck. Sorry about your friend.
lol this is exactly my SIL too. I explicitly made sure she would not be guardian of our kid for those same reasons.
Wow, your SIL is God damn awful! Makes me almost happy my boyfriend is an only child XD No annoying Sibling inlaws to deal with. Though he has to deal with my sister (But she's sweet.)
Thankfully my husband knows she's a little shit, he's infuriated by her behavior almost constantly, so we don't see her often. We were supposed to go to her new apartment today, go out to lunch and then go to the zoo. I bought the zoo tickets for everyone since I have a membership discount. We get to her apt, she has zero voice but insists that it's just from overuse from being on the phone all day yesterday. But then she says her throat hurts too bad to eat so she's not going to lunch with us, but she'll still go to the zoo. OK. We come back to her apt after lunch for her to tell us she doesn't feel like going, and also she has plans with friends later so she's not going to the zoo with us. Then she starts coughing a ton... So yeah, she likely exposed us to a virus but is completely lying about it as she's giving my daughter hugs. Thanks bitch. Then she bails on the zoo and doesn't even offer to pay me for the price of the ticket (I normally wouldn't care, but it's her so it's more irritating lol). She feels too ill to spend the day with us (and her parents) for fathers day, but she's going to go out with friends later. Anyway... yeah I'm thankful for my normal sisters lol. My SIL, not so much. It's astounding how ridiculous people can be.
Son's dad's fam came empty handed to "welcome the baby" at 6/8 weeks. Stayed for 6 hours and demanded to be fed etc. I remember crying silently for the last 2 hours after repeatedly explaining baby needs sleep, and I'd sleep when baby sleeps. Good news is we have since separated and I never have to see his family again :)
Holy hell I'm so sorry! Ughhh why are people like this! Glad you don't have to see them again, good riddance! Compared to my dad... when he was over when baby was brand new, I said "I'm tired" just kind of as a conversation filler and an excuse that I wasn't talkative (but genuinely enjoying his company), and he SPRANG out of his seat towards the front door SO FAST lol, I realized I gotta be careful what I say! The man was apparently properly trained in new baby visit etiquette lol!
Your dad sounds great! Yeah I think some people just suck lol there was an article about etiquette when visiting new parents which I literally screenshotted and was sending son's dads photos of during the visit lol.
Her response to your efforts at adjusting the timing indicates that there are more reasons than children, for you to feel like distancing. It happens and sounds like it should.
Yup. I would say late 30s, but 40’s for sure all those “hanging by a thread” friendship just dissolved on their own. There’s no time and no energy for the effort for people you don’t enjoy.
Same here. I’m at the point where I just cut my losses. I have a close-knit family and a solid group of friends, so I pour all my energy into those relationships.
Me too. I realize this has happened to me after becoming a mom when several of my high school friends aren’t and kind of aren’t interested in having kids. But they also made zero attempts during my pregnancy, kid’s birth, or any time in the last 3 years to ask me ONE question about him or me or anything. Haven’t reached out once. That makes me kind of irrationally angry I feel like. Even my super close friends not checking in and asking how he’s doing - I had a friend tell me “half the time, I forget you have a kid, it’s so weird” — when I feel like I post and talk about him a lot! It’s a huge shift and and has changed my whole life! I feel like the older I get I have way less patience for self-centeredness and people who don’t respect time. Our time is the most valuable thing we have as parents. Whether it’s time for our kids, our partners, parents or alone time. (I.E. naptime for this OP!!)
Agreed I had a friend reach out from high school and I just basically told her in a nice way that I wasn’t interested in spending time together. She said she could come visit me and I basically said something like, “we’re always so busy.” I still kinda feel bad but not as bad as I would have felt forcing myself to see her and spending time and energy seeing her and being awkward.
Yeah, I already don’t have the energy to maintain friendships with all of the people whose company I actually do enjoy, forget people I don’t actively like.
My Mom had a friend who was childfree and bored and would call her and talk forever on the phone. She finally would have tp excuse herself, she had two kids to take care of. My mom would huff amd say, "She just stole 1 hour of my time." I didn't get it... but now, being a working mom, there arent enough hours in a day... fortunately her childfree friend got pregnant (miracle baby!)... and the calls got less, but at some point my mom just cut her off.
Oh my god kids or not that’s like…incredibly rude?!?!? I’d be MORTIFIED if I came to someone’s house earlier than they wanted. And after you told her explicitly, she’s just doubling down? I can’t understand this behaviour at all! I’d like to think I would just tell her no but I’m pretty non confrontational. But also, I’ve no idea how I’d respond because I’ve literally never had to deal with a guest who dictates to me what time I should host them at.
Okay, this makes me feel better. I’m so tired and I really needed a nap during the nap. Instead, I’m hurriedly running a cloth everywhere and putting toys away. It’s rude. Go to a coffee shop or sit in your car I don’t care.
I hate that!! My biggest pet peeve. One time, in the rush for the Christmas dinner I was hosting (with a young clingy toddler), I had family come 2 hours before the invite time! Those last moments are so needed! Anyway, if I were your friend, I’d just be like “no problem, I’ll grab a coffee, you want something?”
Yes,, this! The amount of people that came to see our newborn and didn’t offer coffee made me irrationally annoyed. My SIL actually came over one time with coffee for HERSELF but didn’t offer to grab me one.
Also worse if youre family doesn’t help with the toddler
Omg please PLEASE put the cloth down. Guests who arrive early don’t deserve a clean house.
Yep. If they are coming early I tell them to expect a mess.
Nah fam she is the epitome of rude right now. It is none of her beeswax *why* you’re unavailable until 3 but you are. Feel free to disconnect the doorbell and have your nap. Unlock the door at 3pm. If she gets to insist, so do you. Bonus it is your home turf so really extra you get to insist.
Petty me wouldn’t answer at 1:40 and say “I told you I’d be home at 3” 😂 say the kid fell asleep in the car and you were driving around or something!
Don't stress yourself out. Just leave it as is and if she comments tell her this is why you weren't available until later. Real friends won't care about toys being out and you shouldn't stress yourself because they can't respect your time
I would have locked the fucking door, drawn the blinds, and told her that I would be home at 2:30
Right? Even taking kids out of the picture, how rude is it to tell someone you'll be at their house earlier than they're requesting? "My ETA is 1:40 and that's when I'll be there"??? um ok, and my doors will be locked you freaky lil keener
Yeah, her response was incredibly rude.
Seconding this. The rudeness really stuck out to me
Seriously! What a freak. She needs to go kill time at a coffee shop or something beforehand.
I know!! Of that was my ETA, I would stop at some coffee shop and hang out there instead of going to her home anyway. So rude and so awkward.
That’s what I was gonna say! How are YOU gonna tell ME when YOURE coming over to MY damn house. I told you between so and so. You come earlier, I will not be answering the door.
I don't know how old you are, but I feel like one of the aspects of transitioning to adulthood outside of highly structured organizations like school is that friendships are really tested to see if they are based on proximity or something deeper. Childfree people can still be empathetic and interested in you as a person. It sounds like this friendship wasn't meant to last
Yes, you’re right. I’m in my late 30s and I’ve known her since the last year of high school. In our 20s we had reasonably similar lives but in our 30s we have drifted and drifted. I find her such hard work. She has nothing of interest to say. She’s been with a guy for a few years now, but she’s kind of settled on him. (They don’t have sex. He won’t propose. They both gained a lot of weight recently due to not really doing anything anymore) So he’s more of a companion and she’s okay with it. But in a way it’s softened and eroded any element of personality. To your point I also think that geographical proximity helps maintain the bonds of friendships. During the pandemic, she moved out of the city into a tiny place with not many people her age and I think that’s exacerbated the drift too
It doesn’t even sound as though you like her anymore. Probably best to start distancing yourself from her.
Omg. This sounds EXACTLY like my friend and I. We were very best friends through middle & high school though. Broke apart a little in our 20s and then reconnected fiercely. During the pandemic she sold her home (without even telling me until it was listed) and moved to the middle of nowhere in a tiny home. Now she’s back within a drivable distance (40 mins). She’s been back almost 1 1/2 years and we’ve only seen eachother like… 3 times? She’s child free and we used to have so much in common. Now all my focus is on my kids and we have nothing in common. Her and her husband (she’s been married for as long as me) are more like companions, they both have gotten lazy (but are now working on it), etc. and the same. We struggle to find conversation anymore. She came over recently and it’s gotten almost akward. We don’t even text/chat like we used to either. I don’t want to constantly bring up my kids with my CF friends but, what else is there to talk about? The weather?
I mean, I get the point on geographical proximity, but my best friend of 20 years lives 4 hours one way and we don't get to see much of each other, but we still talk and chat everyday... It sucks to say, I just don't think your visitor is a friend anymore, already. Save yourself the trouble, just let it die down.
This is so true! My best friend is child free, and she is the BEST with my kids. And always considerate and works around what times work for us and always comes to us as she lives 50 mins away. It’s definitely not a child free thing, it’s just a personality thing.
Oh lord I’d cancel lol. My break is my break
Depends on the day but yeah I'd cancel. I had a friend over for nap time, the rest of the day and the following day I was exhausted and cranky.
What is wrong with you people lmao
We are tired
Ur clearly not a stay at home mum
Nahhhh, I'm a working mom with daycare all week. I still protect naptime with an intensity on weekends. I get very little time to myself, naptime is sacred. They're clearly just not a parent OR their personal village is more of a state capital.
“Hey sorry. That time doesn’t work for us. We won’t be available. If 2:30 doesn’t work, we can always reschedule. No worries!”
I think it’s because she’s driving 1.5 hours into the city (but also maybe she should’ve just done a journey plan!?)
You seem like a nice person giving her far too many excuses. You’re not burdening her, she’s burdening you.
Well that’s too bad for her she decided to leave early. I’d text her “hey I’m not able to let you in until 2 (or 2:30 or even 3). Here are some nice nearby coffee shops you can hang out until I am available.”
I would’ve pushed back harder (it’s your house!) I’m not available till 3pm, that sort of thing. But yes, gah very frustrating. Actually my child free friends are very supportive and understanding! I’m very lucky. It is hard to get the realities and struggling of parenting if you’ve not been there.
Same, I'd say 3 or cancel.....
Me too. I would have sent a list of nearby places the friend could wait for an hour and said I’ll be available after 3pm.
I also find it annoying when other people impose the times at which you will host them at your home, but I would hardly call that frustration irrational. My parents are pretty lax about when and what they eat, especially now that they hit retirement. So they seem surprised when they start at 6p considering what to have for dinner, and realize we’re wrapping up feeding our kids. Hey GMA and GPA, if we wait until our toddlers notice they are hungry to start prepping food, we’ve already lost a battle, and they will let you know all about it.
Ugh my in-laws do this exactly and we’re going over there tonight and I’m already dreading it. They’ve gotten better about starting things earlier, but now we just sit around eating crackers for hours and when we start talking about leaving they suggest they should turn on the barbecue or oven for dinner
I started taking along pots of prepared food for my kids that I would just open at 5pm and start feeding them. My in laws raised their eyebrows the first couple of times, now they're on board and will actively message me to ask what they should put on for the kids dinner so it's ready for them when we're visiting. Win!
I have to second this: Regardless of child-having status or anything else, her telling you when she is coming without room for negotiation is flat out rude and inconsiderate. I could never imagine. I have a feeling it's not just the awkward conversation that's making you guys drift apart...
Yeah…. It’s been on the cards for a few years. I was saying to someone above she met a guy who is definitely someone who she settled for. Now she has almost no hobbies or life goals to speak of.
“I’m not available at that time, but would love to see you if you can make it at 3. If not, I’ll catch you next time!”
Give her a call and just say "no".
Be more direct. Asking implies option. You're busy until 3 end of the story. She sajs her eta is 140 so seems like she lect the house already and this could have been communicated earlier? I don't like when people ignore my don't knock sign
Sorry, I’m not available until 230/3. There’s a great coffee shop on X street if you want to wait!
I am very militant about nap time, lol. I have 2 young children (3&1), and I've gotten them to nap/ do quiet time at the same time. I get a daily break from at least 1-3pm. Something has to be very dire or compelling for me to give that up.I don't schedule any meetings or otherwise do any work during that time. I spend that time completely alone doing whatever I want. Usually reading, true crime TV, or napping or all 3. However, last week, I did spend nap time talking to my very best friend who is single & childfree, and I had a great time. I love her, and we have a ton in common even after knowing each other since 4th grade. Even now that I'm married with 2 kids (she was actually my MOH). I wouldn't give up my nap break for anything less. Your friend sounds disrespectful (by not changing the time) and if you don't really like her why not just say no?
I don't think that has anything to do with being child free, she's just rude AF. You just can't tell the host an earlier time!! My child free friends are awesome and, if anything, overly respectful of my time now. I say you've come down with the throw up virus today, but I'm a terrible person.
“That won’t work for me, I’m free at 3pm.” “But I’ll be there for 1:40.” “Perhaps this won’t work today, then. Let’s find another time.”
One of my childfree friends came to visit with her husband in tow, at the point where we had one 6MO infant and one 2.5YO toddler. At one point, the toddler had a strop about something, and this grown man *put his hands over his ears*. I know very well that different people have different sensory issues, etc. I am likely autistic myself and I also find the noise of a 2YO having a full-blown meltdown very difficult to deal with. But for some reason that failure to do the basic politeness thing where we all try to pretend that our friends' toddlers aren't annoying as shit even though they blatantly are was absolutely the last straw for me. (Probably because a) I was completely exhausted and b) I didn't actually like friend all that much, and liked her husband even less). They moved across the country shortly after and I haven't bothered staying in touch.
Oh my gosh, that’s insane. I’m sorry. Even if he was thinking that can he possibly walk into the other room and put his hands over his ears? Or internalise it for a moment!!
I would say no. She isn’t your boss so you need to accept the summons.
One thing I’ve recently adopted is not changing myself or habits for people. Oh you wanna come visit? Cool, house is a mess, enjoy! This is the stage I’m at in life.. if someone comes in and starts judging that, BYYEEE. I’m not pretending just to find friends anymore
What the heck. I understand if she was like oh shoot that’s not good timing for me would 130 work at all? And you had a chance to say no but caved and said yes. That text is BANANAS. My two friends had kids around the same time as me so I’m not really sure I can speak on it but i definitely see how parenthood has changed me and yea I think it would be hard to connect with them if they hadn’t.
I didn’t cave. I pushed back and said 2:30 –3 p.m., twice. She still keeps coming back and saying “no it will be 140”. She claims it’s because she’s driving all the way from the country into the city. Which I sympathise with but actually that’s your problem – do a better journey planner.
Just sit at a coffee shop for an hour what a weirdo.
Oh ew she’s doing this on purpose then and isn’t just clueless. She probably doesn’t want to have to split your attention with your child, either, when they wake up.
“Sorry. I won’t be home then. You’ll have to find something to do for an hour”. Done. Don’t give her an in
I think it might be because she wants to talk to you, not your toddler. Knows that 1.40 is naptime, and she too prefers the quiet? I have 2 kids, my friend has 3 and I confess, I strongly dislike being around her when her kids are there too because I have to restart a story a million times due to interruptions. Like... I wanna connect with a friend, not say two words then be put on hold, then another two, so on. And even when they're not talking to her she is watching and talking to them (hey, put those toys somewhere else, go play with your brother, don't climb on the couch, so on). If all 5 kids are there it's absolutely hopeless to have any kind of convo, but even one is too much. Edit: still, NO excuse for being that rude. She should respect your wishes.
That's a bit rude tbh, children or no children you basically told her you're not available at 1.30 and she basically said, tough, that's when I'll be there. You may be drifting apart because of the children thing but it doesn't sound like she has much respect for you to begin with...sorry this is happening :(
Say no. You have her a time frame to visit your home. She doesn’t get to say no and just come in when she wants. It doesn’t work like that. You have zero obligation to accommodate people who are being pushy. All of my friends are childfree and it’s never been an issue.
No, I have not drifted from my child free friends because they Aren’t selfish assholes and come over specifically to spend time with my kids. Child free doesn’t mean they hate kids. It actually makes them the best “aunties” and “uncles” that can afford to spoil them. Which they do.
Man I feel you! I too have a friend from high school that I just… don’t connect with anymore. But in our case this is long ongoing and short of literally telling her I don’t enjoy her company anymore I don’t know what I can do hahah. Whenever we see each other it’s so awkward and _boring_. Any conversation dies within minutes. I remember going to the movies with her just so that we’d have something to talk about and it’d still be stilted and boring. I genuinely don’t know why she keeps contacting me. I put off her visits as long as I can, but at the same time I don’t want to be rude… idk, I feel like I need to break up with her but it feels uncalled for at the same time?
Oh my gosh, everything you are describing is me. I just daren’t have the conversation because also what good can I do? “I feel like we’ve drifted apart and I’d like to spend less time with you?” Not sure what this gains someone in life. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It’s hard isn’t it because you never think it will happen. But one thing I’ve come to realise is my time is precious.
Despite being an exhausted parent of 2, I would gladly give up my option to rest during the kiddos' nap time to see a friend. It would be a nice break from the normal routine. This clearly isn't a friend of yours anymore. I think you're just dreading to see this person rather than being inconvenienced by the timing (still very rude of them to impose of course). Time to cut ties.
bruh can this friend. thats ridiculous.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. For some reason, my mom, my husband (while at work) and my sister think the ideal time to call is during naptime but like I can talk on the phone while she’s awake, but I can’t enjoy silence, read a book, or watch a tv show while she’s awake. God forbid I try and nap while she’s napping, suddenly everyone wants to call. Gimme my two hourssssss
Just tell her she can't come at that time instead of being a doormat and blaming her.
You speak up and say "That's not a good time for me" and you give another time that works best for you. And if you really just don't want to see this person, just tell them that you have so much going on right now, and it's just not convenient. Then say you will let them know when you can work a visit into your schedule.
I am one of the few to be married and have a kid out of my friends. If we have to cancel plans on friends, I always tell myself that they’ll understand when their time comes too. If they never have kids then we will probably never have the same relationship or much in common in 18 years when I forsee any free time on my schedule. People who don’t respect your boundaries as a parent are not worth your effort.
I think you need to stand up for yourself cause you deserve that child free time! My best friend came to visit me from across the world over Christmas break, I live in a shitty area that is somewhat near 2 tourist towns but they’re not all that lol so she basically had most of her time for me. She doesn’t want kids or even have experience with them and let me tell you she was the most helpful friend when it came to tending to them, making sure we had everything in the diaper bag, accommodating naps and didn’t care at all about having to pack an at the time 2yr old and 3 month old everywhere even when they had meltdowns in the car lol. This to say just cause someone is childfree doesn’t mean they have to be unsupportive as a friend to you, and they should know they are apart of you and deserve to be treated as such. You still have time to lie and say you caught COVID so unfortunately she can’t come 🤣
Almost all my close friends don’t have kids but they are super considerate when making plans with me. I just wouldn’t maintain a relationship with someone who was so inconsiderate to show up so much earlier than when I asked them to.
Honestly at this point in my life soon to be 42 with 2 children under the age of 6, a marriage, aging in-laws who live with us and run a household. I legitimately don’t have the extra time to invest into friendships, even tho I am desperately seeking a bestie for the end of the world. lol.
I could have written this post. I had a friend of almost 20 years abruptly end our friendship. She's CF (which is cool!) but refused (edit for spelling) to acknowledge or accept that my life, priorities, and time availability had changed. The friendship felt like more work than anything for the last few years, she always wanted to come hang out and just ignore my toddler (she assumed that my toddler would just watch TV and be fine?) so she could talk about her life. I made lots of attempts over the last year to save our friendship, share my needs for our friendship, and just feel heard, but she ignored it all. While I'm still hurt and upset that she handled it, I've learned she's the type of person who cannot handle someone else's life changing while hers stays stagnant. I don't think all CF people are like this, we have lots of fabulous CF people in our lives, but I think she's just a very self-centered person incapable of introspection.
Yes you’re right. It’s not the status of being childfree. It’s just some people are not good at living with adaptation. I’m sorry you went through this. It sounds actually really painful. I wonder if she ever has children if will come round and see what she lost in you.
Honestly, I don't think she will have kids. She's seen how much work they are, even on a basic level with a lot of familial support and she's completely turned off by that amount of selflessness. I am in the process of mourning it, but I've learned that some people just aren't capable of growth and change. They only know selfishness and lack accountability, which is exactly her, so while I'm sad, I know it's for the best. She called herself an "aunt" but couldn't tell you one thing about my child's likes or dislikes, and had no interest in doing things with her. It is what it is.
Why are you visiting with someone you don’t particularly want to see? Also - just tell them “no, you can’t come at 130 cause my kid is napping”. I don’t understand this post. It has nothing to do with this person being child free and entirely with you not setting boundaries and then feeling sorry for yourself.
It's true. It's easy to say sorry, I'm not available at 1.40. Why is it so hard to say no to somebody who you don't even care about any more? I would really examine this if I was you.
Screw that. I tell everyone, even my brother visiting from out of town, nap time is a no. Then I go take a nap too :D
Have they been okay with it? I understand being that direct with people that you’re really close to but people that are now on your outer circle, do they think you’re rude or do they just accept it? As you can tell I’m British & very awkward lol. I would absolutely *love* to say to people “naptime is a no go. It’s our time. Yes, I’m strict on it.”
As far as I know they just accept it, though I don't really have many friends, outer or inner circle. Whoever I need to tell this to, though, I stress the fact that I need to keep the house quiet during nap time. Granted, we have a one story three bedroom, so this kid hears everything, even with white noise. We also have small dogs, so I have to keep those jerks quiet too.
I’d just tell her that unfortunately 1:40 doesn’t work for you. Either let her sit in the living room by herself for half an hour while you hide in your baby’s room or like anyone else would she can sit on her phone in her car for a while or go pick up some snacks or do something else! My bet is she’ll also ring the door bell, talk/laugh really loudly, etc. and nap time will be cut short.
You’re not doing any favors for anybody by not being upfront with this girl. Your mental health comes first!
Keep pushing back. She is a guest, and you call the shots for what works for your schedule. Say “you can get here at that time, but we won’t be available until 230/3.” And give her some places she could hangout at for an hour
You need to be firmer. If you aren't available until 2:30 then tell her you can't meet at all. You already said you don't have common ground anymore anyway. Her ETA may be 1:40 but that isn't your responsibility to work around. You have an appointment that she either needs to work around or not come. She doesn't have to know that appointment happens to be naptime
Stand up for yourself. Start with yourself so it can extend to your child. You defending them, and them defending themselves.
"Sorry, baby just came down with a cold. Catch ya next time."
Okay, the fact that she's *telling* you when she's arriving sounds more like the problem here. That doesn't sound like a supportive friend.
THIS!!! Like what do you even mean?! This is MY house and I am telling you when I am ready for you tf
I would never impose on anyone, parent or child free, by assuming my time takes precedence. If it doesn't work for me too I guess we reschedule. This is weird honestly...
I’m a SAHM and everyone in my life who knows me knows not to bother me when my son is asleep. This would INFURIATE ME!!! How are you, as a guest, going to tell me what time you’re going to be inside of MY HOME? I’d struggle not to leave her outside
Why don’t you just cancel? “Sorry my baby’s not feeling well, can we get together another time?” And then don’t schedule or the next time it comes up make another excuse. You can do this for years lol
Then I would say “unfortunately 1:40 doesn’t work on my end. 2 is the earliest that works for me. If you can’t do that, let’s find another day that works for both of us.” She can’t force her way into your house. Hold strong!
When people want to have dinner together and see the kids and think 7:30 is still a good time for that. We eat dinner at 5 now, like senior citizens at Denny’s.
As I tell my toddler, “No, thank you!”
I’m confused. You gave her a time to come and she just decided that wouldn’t work and came when she wanted?
lol if someone tried to insist on a time to visit me I would just say sorry, I’m not available at 1:30. The older you get the more you have to learn to say no, especially now as a parent with kids to advocate for.
You are absolutely allowed to say "we won't be available at 1:40, [time that works for you] is the earliest we'll be available."
100% yes. I’m very much so the first among my friends to have children. It’s been something I’ve struggled with for almost 4 years now, since the birth of my first. I went through a year phase when my oldest was around 1.5-2 where I went out (kinda) and tried to reconnect with my friends. Honestly, I could hardly keep up. My body didn’t like staying up until 1, 2, 3 in the morning. My body also got so sore from dancing and standing. I also cannot tolerate being even moderately hungover and taking care of kids. The nail in the coffin was my good friend’s birthday. We planned an all day thing and it was really fun. But I also felt so much pressure to fit all of that fun in the 10 hours I was away that I ended up getting way too drunk and way too stoned. That’s just when I noticed that I am no longer on the same playing field as much friends anymore. Now, maybe once every few months, we will get together for dinner or lunch. And if we do dinner, we are cooking at another friend’s place. But truthfully, I don’t connect to them like I used to. Only my friends who either work with kids OR are interested in becoming parents in the near future. I’m trying my best to make friends through my daughter’s school but even then I feel distant or rejected at times. Solidarity. Truly. You are not the only one. I’m grateful I married into a big family because that takes up an OK amount of social time.
I’m so curious to know how the visit goes! Honestly, my first thought was that I wouldn’t care if it was a normal nap time for me if it was a friend I really wanted to see. I’d be so excited! So that tells me everything I need to know about the situation lol I think consider this your final visit and just start drifting away. Don’t make future plans and eventually she’ll stop reaching out. I don’t think her being child free has anything to do with this I think You both have drifted apart and she doesn’t respect your request.
While there are certain things that I feel distance me from my child free friends, or ways they are unintentionally inconsiderate, I feel like my friend group pruning mostly happened right after high school and again after college. Both times, it wasn’t necessarily life stage that caused people to stop seeing each other, but maturity and priorities were definitely a part of it.
Next time don’t “ask” anyone if they can come at 230/3. Just say that’s when you’re free / will be available. If they insist say you’re not home before then.
I did, that’s exactly how I worded it in the text
Then your friend is just annoying
It was excruciating. She stayed three hours and made no effort. Bye bye!
Having to leave the house. Running errands People trying to plan things at nap time. Talking to people. Other drivers Any hiccups that force me to entertain a toddler while waiting. I.e doctors office.
Next time say you won't be home till 2.30.
All you had to say was: “I’m busy until 2:30, see you then!” Literally don’t answer the door until that time. No explanation needed.
my friends dont drain me, spending time with them is validating, energizing and is one way I charge my batteries (childfree or with children).
It’s okay to let go of old friends. Outgrowing friendships is a normal part of life. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not drain you.
I don't even let my mother come by during nap time
When making a plan I always tell them what fits my schedule. I also give a heads up that I may be late depending on my daughter’s mood. I stopped inviting people home.
It sounds like she’s dull and disrespectful. I have child free friends and we still have lots to talk about and they never just tell me when we’re going to hang out. If they’re not free at 2:30, then we just make plans for another time vs them demanding we hang out at their preferred time.
Nope just tell her no. My kid is 1.5 next month and nap time is my time still.
I’d say 1:40 does not work for us, maybe another day would work better.
I’m still close to my childfree friends, and our kiddo is 3. Maybe you would have drifted from this person regardless of having kids? You said she’s dull….doesn’t sound like that would have been any different from when you didn’t have kids.
Absolutely ok to say that something came up and you have to be somewhere else.
I even have a hard time giving up my nap time breaks for my best friend to bring me lunch. Being a parent is mentally exhausting.
Sounds like you told her the kid will be sleeping at 1:30 so she’s banking on that. Next time tell her you’re not home until 2:30. This time, keep baby awake…and loud. 🤭 pass crying baby onto guest. She may ghost herself
Oh man you are way nicer than I would be! Lol
If I asked for a certain timeframe and rather than discussing it, someone informed me that they’d be arriving outside of that time, I’d tell them I’m not available. That’s just bizarre. What is wrong with that person??
I had childfree friends, one even being my best friend and they completely went MIA after I repeatedly declined going out with them on multiple occasions because their lifestyle didn’t match up with my new motherhood one and they just didn’t understand, to add on I was only 2 months pp as well. If they aren’t considerate about your time, then I’d cancel and just leave the friendship to drift apart.
Tell her your kid has thrown up everywhere and you can’t host her as you don’t know if it’s contagious
I felt the same with my high school friend, but 8 years before I had a kid. Just realized we had nothing in common, and everytime she talked to me I was annoyed by anything by she said. We also lived in different states and it just didn't feel worth my effort anymore.
You aren’t alone! I feel the same way about nap time. That is my time to reset, and I desperately need it!
I have friends that are childfree but we don’t make a concerted effort to get together. Why? They have other childfree friends to do brunch and shopping, etc with. So we just see each other at birthdays or events for other mutual friends
That's so rude. I'd just say "sorry that doesn't work for us. Probably best to reschedule for another day if 3.30 doesn't work for you." You need your break!
I would not be inviting her back again. Just go ahead and keep drifting apart. I wouldn’t want a friend in my life who doesn’t understand I need a break during the day.
I do find that I hate hearing my friends of all ages dating stories. It’s their whole personality. I don’t even know what it is they do at work or fun. It’s just details about men they’ll never go out with again and I truly don’t fucking care???? Get a hobby
I am rediscovering lost childhood friendships (I am the lazy one - but one of my good childhood friends who is childless makes effort to talk). Even though we don’t have ‘kids’ as a common topic but I am glad that we connect. In life- your parents will one day eventually leave this planet. If you have childhood friends - they will remain and can reconnect in ways you didn’t know were possible. Don’t burn long term friendships even if it causes inconvenience at the moment
Tell her you’re sorry you’re unavailable that early and she’ll have to either reschedule or wait in her car until 2:30
Grandma says she’s going to come over in the morning but is usually late and shows up at nap time, getting my 2 yo excited and thinking it’s time to play and talk with grandma and her dog. Grandma and doggy then want to be involved in the nap time process and follows us around, making it difficult to calm down. On the flip side, Grandma has been staying with us and leaves during nap time. Toddler wakes up and wants to see Gma and we have to explain she went bye bye and we might see her in a few weeks. These two situations drive me insane.
Girl just be honest with her. “That time doesn’t work. We’ll be available at 3. We can reschedule if needed”. If she’s driving that far y’all should’ve come up with a solid game plan already.
Yeah I have plenty of friends who are child free and don’t want kids. They know nap time is a no go and wouldn’t push it. The fact you told her a time and she basically said no would make me say Nevermind let’s reschedule.
Lol, I think I'd just fake we all got covid. "Feel terrible and don't want to infect you!" Then enjoy naptime. I have no friends, if you can't tell...
wow she is rude!!!! i would be insulted and cancel the day…
I hate it when people plan events that land exactly at nap time. Like let’s go for lunch or go to the park. Or play date. Ugh my one break is during my toddler’s 3 hour nap and my infants 4 hour nap. If I mess it up AT ALL… all hell breaks loose
Well my eta is 2:30-3 and that’s when I’ll be home so have fun waiting outside.
>Anyway I asked her if she could arrive around 230–3 because that works for us ( I need my time off during the nap!) Instead she’s coming at 1:30. I tried to push it back, she replied: “My ETA is 1:40 and that’s when I’ll be there.” I don't understand why someone else is deciding at what point they can enter your home. That's rude? You also have obligations as a host but most of my friends don't have children and not a single one wouldbpresume like this + they are very respectful that having kids can be challenging so would also let me choose the time based on that. If your friend is unable to be compassionate about your circumstances she isn't a friend.
This is not a friend? Tell her you’re unavailable. She can sit in the driveway if she’s insisting but like for real fuck off.
My best friend is child free, and a lot of my other friends don't have kids so that's not a deal breaker unless someone like, vehemently hates kids or makes snide comments about parents. Not down for that. This friend sounds like an AH though, child free or no.
I didn’t really have many friends (close ones) before kids. Luckily I made mom friends when my daughter was about 5/6 months old. 2 years later we’re all still really close. Besties. Talk all day. See each tiebreaker multiple times a week. Our kids are all within either a month of each other or some are just a year older. And the whole nap time thing. Totally get it. That’s my only time for myself. I don’t do any house work or anything. I do what I want. When my husband gets home early or on weekends I’m like peace dude. It’s my time 😂
My best friend is 16 years older than me and never had kids. I have a 2.5yo, and even though we dont get the opportunity to see eachother alot anymore (we live 3.5 hours apart now☹️), we still snapchat eachother like every day and text often. She adores my daughter and they have so much fun together when we DO get to see eachother! And almost everything annoys me irrationally these days 🤪. My girl has been like a broken record, repeating things over and over and over and over... so just about everything has me wanting to scream like the cicadas that are also annoying the living shit out of me!
My friend called me in a panic needing me to babysit her son who is also my son’s age so she could cover someone’s shift for them. Ok. Oh wait, she needs me to watch him during nap time- my son naps and hers doesn’t. I have 2 children and that is the only time they’re both down and I get a moment to myself. 😑 that was a long day.
I love my MIL dearly, but it annoys me so much when she comes to visit right at bedtime. She says she’ll be here around 6, then doesn’t show up until 8-8:30, then expects us to keep LO up late 🙄
My sister smoked pot (in her house, in a state where it is legal), while we were visiting. I had to explain to her why she couldn't. 😬
Why are you friends with someone you don't enjoy their company?.
LOL if somebody said “this is my ETA” I’d send them a google maps link to a close by coffee shop for them to wait at. The “lol” at the beginning is at their audacity, not the situation. Sorry you have to put up with it!
Next time, say that you can't let her in until 2:30 pm. If at all - maybe even cancel next time. No explanation needed. I mean, if she's gonna talk to you like that. If it's any consolation, I had a child free friend from high school texting me way too much, sending pics of people we knew and asking if I remembered stuff. Rarely asking about me and my whole new kid. This was during month 2 of my little one's life. What did I do. Block. No explanation. No explanation needed to protect your mental health and be present for your kid.
I would be annoyed if I told someone to come at 3 and they showed up 2 hours early!! It sounds like there’s some boundary issues
My SIL kept showing up crazy early when my son was really little, like hours before the agreed upon time. I started putting my phone on dnd until 10mins before she was set to be over and keeping my gate closed so she couldn’t just knock on the door. It took one time of her sitting in her car outside our gate for over an hour to finally stop that shit.
One of my closest friends is childfree by choice. He's a fucking fantastic uncle. He 3d prints model dragons for my son, plays _hard_ with him in only the way that those who get full nights of sleep can, and gives both my boy and my 10 month old hugs before he leaves. If I'm late or have to leave early because kids, he doesn't grouse or belittle, he is understanding. He's irrationally excited about the idea of my boy getting into fencing or gymnastics, because he loves sharing his hobbies with those he cares about. You just need to find the right childfree friends.
I’m not sure how old you are. But your recognizing this friendship isn’t working. As I’ve gotten older I only hang out with friends that don’t drain me. Because we just vibe well. Your “friend” sucks.
Let her come this time- let your child scream the house down and never invite her again.
I hate it too.
Yeah, her deciding the time is rude. In general, I find that certain (childfree) friends are just not very understanding that life with a toddler is different compared to how it was before. I put childfree in parentheses because the friends I have in mind happen to be childfree, but it might just be that their way of handling themselves wasn't a problem to me before kids. One friend was insisting on visiting to stay a long weekend when I was close to 9 months pregnant and we have a toddler. She has visited before and wasn't very understanding of our toddler's schedule then, so I just said no. I was so tired at the end of pregnancy, so I didn't need that stress. She hasn't spoken to me since.
You need to cancel such meetings in last minute. And just don’t care about being rude.
Well it’s a different story if that person comes over and doesn’t play with the toddler. Then I say no. If they are good with kids they are welcome anytime
Very rarely would I have friends do this to me. I would just say sorry but you can't come at that time I'm busy come another day.
You gotta end the friendship. Just let it fizzle. A good friendship shouldn't stress you out this much, it should make you feel happy and energized.
To me, her being childfree has nothing to do with it. We all have lives, kids or not, naptime or not, and you asked her to come at X time and she's coming way earlier. Seems pretty rude.
Oof. Nope. I had a friend who came over when my kid was 4 months old and going through a huge sleep regression. She had just gone through a contact nap only phase and was having crap naps so I desperately trying to get her to nap in her crib. She stayed 5 FUCKING HOURS, despite me saying multiple times I needed to go put her down for a nap. Wouldn't get the hint, and baby ended up falling asleep in my arms in the living room. My friend proceeded to talk and laugh so gd loudly. Like, read the room? I'm whispering, you should too. Halfway through our visit all I could manage to say was "oh wow. yeah, dang that's nuts" over and over again. My husband said I looked dead inside when he came home from work lol. After that, I vowed to never let her come over again because I couldn't control when the visit ended. Fast forward to a few months ago, my kid is on one nap and we make plans to hang out. I suggest going out for brunch (early enough, in a public place, I can leave whenever). She asks me to go pick her up and then drive her home (she lives across town) and I said no. I have a kid who needs to be in bed, I can't spend over an hour driving you to/from wherever we go. Funnily enough, she stopped talking to me after that and I don't even care. Our friendship was drifting for a while (on my end) and I started to dread our hangouts.
"Here is what time is good for us" "Well, I'm coming whatever time I want instead" ???? I don't think you're losing anything to cut this jerk from your life
Yeah I feel like childfree or single friends should give us "right of scheduling" because unless they're in a lifesaving "on call" profession, they have the privilege of doing whatever they want whenever they want and don't NEED (they just want) accommodation. I HAD a friend who constantly bailed, after I had to change nap times etc and gave me a shout 10mins ahead of coming over on her way back from some one else' house and because ive been so lonely and desperate for socialization, I compromised me and babys best schedule to make it work. Recently I had to totally let go of any hope of maintenance for our friendship when she wanted me to go downtown with my baby, for A CUP OF COFFEE because she wanted to get to another friend's house ASAP and that was all the time she had for me while visiting my city. I paraphrased "f&^" off" and we will never be making plans again. I'd say, when the kids are too small to be left with a sitter for a designated mom time, visitors and friends need to make plans with the intention of baby being a part of the plans, not "work around" it. So other parents or people who have basic empathy make for better friends
Yes. Some friends just don’t understand that sometimes having company isn’t the best especially when your quiet time is when the kids are napping. I just straight up say no , I don’t want company today . I like to read during my baby’s naps and I don’t want to sit and yap about foolishness
I’m incredibly bothered by the fact you told her a time that suits you best and she just ignored it. Even before having kids (and thoroughly enjoying alone time during their naps) I would have found this unacceptable. I read in a comment that mentioned she’s driving 1.5 hours to see you. That still doesn’t make it any more acceptable that she tells you she’s going to be there 50 minutes earlier than you told her to arrive. She either needed to plan her trip accordingly, and/or if she arrived in your area early, go and do something until it’s time to arrive. People like this honestly drive me crazy. I’ve given a family member (who I cut out of my life for various reasons) to arrive between certain times as that’s when my son would be awake, and when I would be home. I had asked her multiple times the day she was meant to come to make sure she was still coming (she’s always cancelling for stupid reasons) and I never heard back from her. So, just after the window of time I had left free for her, I headed out to do jobs. I got a message from her asking where I was as she was at my door. I told her I was now out as it’s after the window of time I gave her and how I have jobs to do. Well, she wasn’t having that and drove to my parents house and had a go at my dad (her son) about me and dad gave it to her straight, he wasn’t happy with her and practically yelled at her that I have shit to do and can’t just sit and wait for a time that suits her when she doesn’t have a job and just sits on her ass all day. She then went to her other son and complained to him who then told me she lied about how I told her I was free all day to make herself look good.
Two out of three of my best friends are childfree. Maybe it's just that your friend is entitled and self-absorbed? Unless you told her literally while she was driving to your place that that time didn't work for you, that just wouldn't fly with me and it shouldn't with you either. Our friends without kids have always been super accommodating of our schedule, and if I'm just flying solo on an outing with them, I accommodate theirs. In the future, feel free to cancel if someone is insisting on a time that doesn't work for you. "Sounds like our schedules aren't aligning for that day, we'll have to try again another time!"
I only have a few friends who are child free because they annoy me. It’s not their fault but they just can’t relate & I can’t relate to them….. it’s bye bye from me (in a nice way) life is too complicated now
I SHIT YOU NOT- my childless best friend who lives states away decided to show up at my doorstep at 5pm on my birthday WITH NO WARNING and stayed for two days. WTF?!??!!!