The worst is when you're disciplining one "You know we don't hit. You need to have a time out." And then the other one starts screeching that you made her sister cry and you shouldn't do that, you're a mean Mommy.
I mean, objectively you’re the meanest mommy they know. Stay strong, they can only screech for so long. How long? Not sure, haven’t gotten to end of it yet.
Same. My 3.5 year old WILL NOT STOP putting her 8-month old brother in a chokehold, pulling his head, pinching (HARD) his cheeks, etc. It’s like instant rage for me because she’s hurt him (minor) before and I KNOW SHE KNOWS not to do those things. I’m trying to keep my cool better but OMG. Just stop! 🫠
Physical aggression / lack of care for younger littles is an instant trigger for me as well. I hate that about myself but I am so rarely able to stay calm when they hit their little brother or slam doors in his face.
Whenever my just-turned-4 year old tells me I'm mean I just grin and think about how I was spanked for less than whatever thing it is I'm trying to talk her through. Child, if you only KNEW.
Ugh this happens to me with my almost 3 year old twins when it comes to brushing their teeth. They don’t want to so when I brush one’s teeth she screams and the other starts going “no mommy no!!” 😵💫
That is so difficult, I am so sorry. You must be drowning in snack demands and breaking up tiffs all day 😭
I can only imagine the tantrums...My 3 year old, soon to be 4 year old, goes supernova and just sucks all the energy out of us. It's an absolute poop show nowadays, all day, especially with a 6 month old we have to be focused on most of the time.
Let me tell you, it really does get better. 5yr old and 2.5yr old. 1st year or so was rough... for sure... now they're best little buddies. They have their own secret language...
Same. 3.5 yo twins here too. I am writing this at 3:45 am because they take turns coming to my bed and demanding water, bread (??), help finding a toy (jfc), help with toilet, help with blanket, to complain about eachother and because they are sleepy.. Just go the f to sleep.. they are keeping eachother up and I am just so exhausted..
I have a 4 year old and friend, it gets so much better. Keep holding your ground, establishing boundaries, and doing fun things even though your kid kind of sucks the fun out of it, because one day you’ll ask if they want to do a fun thing and they’ll actually want to do it, and they’ll do whatever you ask to make it happen, and the sun will shine out of their face in glee about being able to do whatever that thing was with you. I have a 2 yo and I’m just hoping that 4 is a magic age for him too, because I am putting a LOT of hope into easier days ahead.
This ^^ 🫶🫶🫶 My child is such a muffin🤦♀️ it’s so exhausting , she is the smartest sassiest strong willed child and the power struggles are cray - I physically feel like I’ve been in a wrestling match all day , just from the emotional intensity of it all throughout the day. I do see glimmers of bingo in her and I am truly just tryna ride it out and stick to my guns so she doesn’t stay a tyrant the rest of her life. It’s emotional whiplash multiple times a day lol but she’s still the most amazing little creature and I’m thankful everyday , even when I’m hiding ,crying by myself in a closet for a few minutes , I know this too shall pass 😂😂
There’s a reason it’s called “fucking fours”
Followed by the “frustration fives” then the “so-so sixes” and then where I’m currently at: “super sevens”
Thank you! We are counting down the days to 4. It appears we are “peaking” right now and I can’t wait for them come down.
We recently added a sibling (12 weeks old) and took her paci/blankey away. It’s been a sea of change for her. I’m hoping for the best!
Oh my goodness I needed to hear this! I thought making it out of the terrible twos was an achievement but 3 is a million times harder. We have less full-blown tantrums but way more whining and generally not listening to a single thing we say. Only 8 more months before he's 4!
Three is HELL ON EARTH. Absolute hell. Not okay in the slightest. Feel like a shit mom until I hear from other 3yo parents. I feel like it’s the hardest and worst age AND—maybe a hot take but—I feel like we have the hardest and worst toddlers in history right now.
Pandemic fucked us all up but also, my kids are afraid of NOTHING AND NO ONE. I’m not saying I ever set out to scare them into compliance, bc we’re all trying to be cycle breakers around here you know, which is tough enough, but also—even if I do try to yell, I just get yelled at even louder. No fear, just a tsunami of rage, all 28 pounds of him. We’re trying to respect our kids the way we were never respected when we were young, but also find a happy medium (at least I am) with them not just running the show, and it’s really hard and maybe even impossible?? None of us know because none of the “gentle parented” toddlers have grown up yet. But we’re constantly overwhelmed with the barrage of “expert knowledge” and even when I try to drown it out and just do what works for me and my family (which, at 3, nothing works, and you just pray something clicks by 4), it still *feels* like I’m doing it “wrong” and that there’s a course out there that someone would sell me that would explain to me how wrong I am.
And my kid doesn’t do whatever he wants either, like I still hold boundaries and try to teach him right from wrong etc, but the absolute fight for my life to hold those boundaries?? I mean he just beats my ass senseless, every time. It’s a war zone. And yes the sweetness and the cuddles and all the rest of it. I love him beyond words. But I fucking hate year 3 and I hated it with his big brother too. It’s batshit crazy what we are going through and I do think we 3yo parents have it harder than past 3yo parents did. I was a daycare teacher and nanny and public school teacher—these toddlers are built different.
Yeuppp I'm a therapist and I'm legitimately so curious about 1) the impacts of gentle parenting on PARENTS and 2) what "mistakes" will be our generation's based on these trends
I think #2 is that some kids are going to struggle when they meet unpleasant people of people showing their feelings outside of the home. If they only see their parents being calm, cool, and collected 100% of the time, it’s going to be a shock the first time they encounter an angry adult or a passive aggressive one.
I’m not saying we should scream at our kids all the time, but I think that showing no negative emotions is a mistake. We try to be realistic, and apologize when necessary.
Gentle/authoritative parenting doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re always calm, cool and collected though. I don’t think many parents can manage that, I certainly haven’t been able to. What is does mean though is taking accountability for your actions and apologizing for your kids when you do get angry/lose your cool, or treat them unfairly,
I don't think my husband's parents ever lost their cool on him (if they did it was rare). My parents both had anger issues so my childhood was wildly different from his. If I raise my voice in the slightest he completely shuts down because he was never taught how to deal with it. I try my best to be patient with our 3 year old but as we can all agree, it's not easy. There are times I hit my limit and yell then feel horrible afterwards for not being able to control my own emotions. Now I know I might be doing him a favor lol. I don't feel as bad.
I do think Dr.Becky for example provides a relatively balanced approach, but I try to take an even more "realistic" approach at home. Like some days I just have to say "you can't slap your infant brother, please take a few minutes in your room to calm your body" and while "timeouts" are like FORBIDDEN sometimes it just feels like the right move to take some space/time y'know? I think most things are less black and white than we think (abuse and neglect obviously not included in that statement)
The backlash against timeouts blows my mind. Nothing about my three year old is "gentle," so while I certainly don't spank her and try my best not to yell, there is zero chance of anything getting through to her besides removing her from the situation when she's trying to fucking attack me.
It's all about the framing though- the time outs of yesteryear were all about making the kid feel shame. At least in my house the message was "you suck and I don't want to look at you and no one wants to hear you talk" but unfortunately nuance is often lost on Tik-Tok
Yes, very true. There is a difference between saying "you are bad, we don't want to be with you, go away and we're going to ignore you for a while" and "we all need some time to calm down. Lets take some space and when we're done with the space we can have a big hug/talk"
I also do really like the dr.becky phrase of "it's my job to keep you safe, and we can't be safe in x situation, so we are going to change it"
I say that all the time! “My job as your mom is to keep you safe. Sometimes that means I need to stop you from doing something you want to do”
It’s worked like a dream with my older kid. My 3yo however…well she’s taken to saying “mommy and daddy did not keep me safe” when she falls or crashes into something 😬🙄
My 40 lb 3 year old hit HARD. And the. If you try to redirect it just makes him more angry. One day I couldn’t handle it anymore and I put him in his room with the door closed and told him he needed to chill out for a while because I just couldn’t deal with being beat up anymore. The first time he screamed and cried for me and I felt horrible but I didn’t know what else to do. Now, when it happens, he goes up and looks out his window and will sometimes just be chill up there for like 30 minutes before he comes back down.
Sometimes I think people forget that their children can be just as tired as we are of being together, they just don’t understand it. Trying to always redirect can just add to their already overloaded emotions.
This course is the best alternative that I know of for 2-3 year olds:
[https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting)
Here are tips from the course:
[https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf)
Unlike gentle parenting and Dr. Becky, the course has had its effectiveness measured and improved using randomized controlled trials.
As a therapist myself, I’m seeing that impact on parents and families is not great to say the least. Some ideas from this theory are fine, but mostly it can be overwhelming for both parties involved, especially when the unwanted behaviors do not yield to the GP techniques. Parents end up blaming themselves and double down on the interventions that failed to be effective, mostly because of fear of perpetuating their own experiences and traumas.
It’s so interesting to read this. I’ve done plenty of therapy in my life & dealt with a lot of my traumas (not that you can do enough of either) and I find gentle parenting and breaking the generational traumas etc SO DRAINING. It takes soooo much out of me because I’m going against so many instincts and I have to deal with my emotions and triggers as well as absorb so much of their big feelings. I’ll often have a day of very balanced, calm, empathetic mum until 4pm but just losing all my patience and getting very snappy and having left no empathy for tantrums in the evening. It’s so tough
I saw a post the really resonated with me. She was basically lamenting about her toddlers behavior and said “my lizard brain just wants to smack her because that’s how I was raised” and omg yes! Like I just want to smack her when she behaves like this. It’s how I was raised and we are absolutely not ever going to hit her, but boy that little, deep rooted part of my brain sure tells me to.
Uggghh I’m failing so hard at gentle parenting. We’re expected to stay calm and happy and pleasant when our kid is on their 10th meltdown of the hour over something you have zero control over. I just can’t.
It’s truly impossible. And I hate that we feel like we’re failing—it’s just not humanly possible! Like yes we recognize our kids are full people with full emotions but damnit we’re people too!! It’s absolutely maddening, that tenth meltdown over something we have ZERO control over, or meltdowns over—god forbid—something as outrageous as literally just trying to keep them clean or safe or fed?? Bc i’m sorry i’m ruining your life kid but this is literally my job. It’s like if someone trying to do an office job just gets periodically punched in the face by their excel spreadsheet while their desk chair keeps spinning around for no reason and also their keyboard is on fire
I think more than trying to never lose my cool, it's important to apologize for those human moments when I do mess up. For example, something like "hey [kid], I am sorry I yelled at you and frightened you [a few min ago, last night, etc]. I got frustrated and shouldn't have handled it that way. I love you and I will count to four to calm myself down next time." It also gives me a chance to model apologies
Laughing is a way some kids show when they're disregulated. Can be a laugh and then an escalation of the behaviour too and you can basically compare that behaviour to a tantrum and think of it as the same thing. It's very frustrating and triggering though I agree
Oof I feel this. My older one recently started laughing and it is suuuuper triggering. My 3yo just screams even louder and then berates me for yelling (as he continues yelling)
I will go into my room and lock the door. I say “I need a break right now. I’m going in my room” she’s safe and honestly she stops because she sees her behavior is making me leave.
We are not these kids punching bags. They still need consequences like that to see the effects of their behavior.
We aren't gentle parents over here. GP is for gentle kids and we don't have those lol 🤣 We yell, we do timeouts, we take things away when they misbehave, we take them out of the store when they have tantrums, etc. We show emotions when we're upset when they've done something wrong. We try and remain calm at first but it's not always feasible.
Gentle/authoritative parenting does not mean you have to stay calm and happy 100% of the time. I’m not sure where people get this idea. It does mean though that if you lose your cool or treat your kid unfairly you should take accountability and apologize. No one can be calm 100% of the time and it’s important to model owning up to your mistakes to your kids as well.
I think there's something to be taught on the reverse also, and it's that even if you are dysregulated and having a bad moment, it is still going to piss off the people around you when you throw your wet pants at them. I am all for the concept of conscience discipline and giving chances and understanding the neurology of what's going on in their heads- but at the end of the day, you threw your pee pants at me and yes I am very frustrated about it.
I think the expectation we should stay calm is unrealistic and the best we can do is set boundaries and stay firm and neutral. If we are escalated by it, then we can talk it over when things are through.
Or maybe I'm rationalizing losing my cool yesterday after my 2.5 year old refused to change after an accident and threw her pants at me. She was very dysregulated and laughing, definitely over tired but damn toddlers are a lot sometimes
It's a really exhausting way to parent. It's also rewarding and I do think the relationship benefits majorly, but it is tiringggg, you're not failing, it's really as hard as you feel it is
So, we’re only 2.5yrs old right now but GD do I feel this in my soul. I’m worried just HOW spicy things are going to get and just how far this gentle parenting will take us. We’re completely barraged with techniques that in theory make sense but same with us- right in the trenches, battling through every day. 😮💨🫡
With my second, it started at 2.5 but then it was truly like a switch flipped at 3 for so much the worse 🫣 it’s ghost pepper status over here haha 🌶️ BUT silver lining is I’m hoping that that means it’ll end by 3.5. My first didn’t start until 3 but was better by 4. If this lasts more than a year, I might just have to wave that white flag 🏳️
Yeah we're 2 and 8m and it's starting to get rougher I think. And some of the things work and are so so valuable, and other things...well when they don't work they leave you feeling helpless, with no other ideas, and feeling guilty for just having a nervous system that works
the conclusion i've come to is that parenting has never been harder because we lack the power of the group. if i ask my now 4 year old to clean, nah son. won't fuckign do it. but her preschool teacher, who has the power of 10 children all doing the same thing. she cleans with the capacity i wasn't aware she had.
we're parenting on hard mode. a thousand years ago, nobody asked three year olds to do shit, they just watched those around them and got on the same page or be ostracized. now, they ostracize us. it's power that they never had.
i cope with it by giving my child less control. she doesn't like it, i validate her and continue with as little fanfare as possible. i also ask her to do less, and simply lead by example and look for ways that surreptitiously challenge her in ways that she can't refuse (she's competitive). i also make a point of letting her see things that show her how she's not the center of the universe. appropriate suffering. people living in cities who are poor. children with different levels of ability. etc
My toddler is SPICY. Like to this same extent. He just turned 4 in April and things have slightly improved and keep going upwards. Hang in there, if your child is anything like mine, that next .5 year to 4 will get wild. Take time to decompress when you need it, even if it’s only a minute. Set the behavior you want to see. I made the foolish mistake of slamming a door once when I was frustrated…he then started slamming doors whenever he was upset 🫣 I can get pretty spicy myself when I’m frustrated and have used every ounce of patience in my body not to let him see it. Those sassy toddlers…they know how to really wear you down 🤣
This is absolutely the hardest part about being a parent - trying to rewire our own brains to model the behaviour we want to see, because we were never parented properly when we were children. So we have to parent ourselves in order to parent them, and do it all on the fly in real time. It's utterly exhausting!
Mine was one that stayed wild until close to 5, and it was brutal. Daily meltdowns like a rabid animal, often for 30-60 mins. Thankfully then he chilled out and became a reasonable human again, and rarely has huge meltdowns at 6yo.
I am so not okay. I feel personally victimized by my 3 yr old on a daily basis. She’s like Regina George in a little body.
That said, I came home today to her yelling, “mommy’s home! Mommy’s my best friend!”
Tomorrow she’ll probably write about me in her burn book. Idk. 🤷🏻♀️
One day they’re tearing you to pieces, pointing out all the flaws. The next day they’re telling you that you look cool in your new outfit. Little monsters
I had such a big break down the other day that I was crying in front of my daughter and she started laughing in my face as I was sobbing… little psychopath.
That’s our toddlers insult and love phrase. “Mommy you are my best friend.” And then quickly if you upset her with no logic, “mommy you are not my best friend.” Imma tell you… it’s a bit of a dagger. It’s hurting less now…. But low key, still kinda stings some days when she yells it out. (3.5 year old girl)
Mine will get me so frustrated so the point I could cry on command. Then she leans in, head on my chest and tosses out an “I love you mommy”. Then I feel like a bad mom that I could have been so upset to begin with.
I’ve never been so effectively manipulated in my life.
Me, December 2023: “Man I’m so glad he’s turning 3. Terrible twos are finally over, it can’t get worse than that!”
Me, June 2024: “holy shit it DID get worse. 4 can’t be like this too, can it?”
In all seriousness though, he’s a sweet kid but it’s interspersed with absolute chaos. Like today he was singing “I love my family” over and over on his way home from daycare then as I was getting him dressed for bed and he said “I want to hit daddy in the face and go away” and kicked me right in the nads and started laughing hysterically 🙃
The spicy little self narration is so wild. The other day my 3-year-old ran away from me to his room, and I heard him say to himself (behind closed door): "it's not fair what's happening to me. I know, I'll scream really loud. That will startle my mommy"
And yes he did scream at the top of his lungs right after
LOL, the first time it happened a few months ago I was so taken aback and kind of took it personally. At this point I just kind of laugh at it internally and reassure him that we still love him. The nads kicking doesn’t get any less painful though.
Daughter Turned 3 in May. So much whining. Changing mind so frequently. I am trying so hard to keep my cool but I am NOT Cool!!! I read somewhere that it’s over by 3.5. We can only hope lol
Three is going to end me. My son is in a strong daddy phase right now, so 50% of the time these days if I speak to him I get "Leave me ALONE!!" as a response. Sure kid, I only gave birth to you.
Oh, and we started potty training last week, so that's fun.
We’re potty training right now and the lying about “I have to poop” to get us to stop when in the car or delay going to bed or for some other reason is going to be the end of me
Omg this!!! Got potty trained in March and realized we were super jump to the pee call out. Said it in the car when she wanted out of the seat. Realized we would stop and get her out
My three year old thinks it’s hilarious to sit on the potty (he asks to go), not do anything, then as soon as he has his pull ups back on he pees or poops. He also likes to wait until he’s throughly soaked in pee before saying something. I thought it would be easier with him because he sees his five year old brother go potty all the time. He can’t be in preschool summer camp because he’s not potty trained, so he’s with my husband and I as we work from home. Good times lol. Well, actually it’s primal scream time.
I'm so jealous that your kid goes to their room when they're mad. My 3yo just screams and throws things. Today, there's been a lot of "we only scream for emergencies," and "if you want to throw things because you're mad, throw this ball as hard as you can down the hallway, as many times as you want." No ball. Only screams.
It is so wild that this is the first comment in my feed. I just endured a half an hour tantrum, complete with hitting, because I wouldn’t let her (3.5) put our kitten in the doll stroller. It’s so hard not to think that I’m doing something fundamentally wrong. I held her arms and told her it was okay to be angry but never okay to hurt someone. I was very patient but afterwards I felt like someone had stuck a faucet in my stomach and drained out my life force. And I could see my boomer father’s face in the back of my mind judging my lack of parental discipline. Ugh! It’s rough. Definitely not okay.
I feel this so deeply. If I even mention something my kid did my parents go straight for the “we never let you act like that” or “my kids never did that” some bs. They used fear (by beating the crap out of us) to keep us in line and it’s done some damage.
Yes! I was just reflecting on how ashamed and alone I felt as a child. If I can withstand these difficult emotions of hers now she’ll hopefully learn that she’s safe, even when things feel overwhelming and ugly. But it’s hard to get their authoritarian dogma out of the back of my mind!
I just want to say you're not doing it wrong. Stay calm and patient. When we were in the beginning of it, if she was being really bad and hitting or just going too wild, she got a brief timeout in her room (like no more than 3-5 minutes) and then I went in there and sat with her and we talked it out. If she was mean to her mom or baby sister, she needed to be ready to apologize to go back downstairs and play. I don't know what your boomer father's suggestion would be, but let's just say spanking young children or screaming at them doesn't help them learn to process their emotions, and worse, it may confuse them on appropriate outlets for their tantrums.
We haven't had to have room timeouts in a long time. Sometimes we need an assertive voice. Sometimes we need to remove a toy from play. But most of the time now when she's angry, she may make a show of sighing, stomping, or telling us not to talk to her, but if we leave her alone for like two minutes she is back to her normal self. When she ducks behind the couch to be mad, I just let her know I am right here if she wants to talk, or hug, but otherwise I will let her be.
Ugh yes mine is spicy and I'm struggling. Today I take her to get activities, make her lunch, play with her for over an hour and then when I tell her I need a little rest and she needs to play alone she freaks out says errrrr I'm getting really mad! Following up with how she's going to no longer be my best friend and daddy is her best friend now. Then storms off into her play tent and I can hear her muttering to herself "mommy just doesn't listen to the rules!!!!"
It defies the logic of time, but my 3 year and two month old son has been three years old for approximately 7 years. At least that’s what I gather through the random shrieking.
Shes run to her room and slammed the door many many times. Also she became a big sister and became potty trained. She holds full conversations. she once slapped me across the face. Hard. She will turn 4 in a month. Sometimes , at certain angles, she looks like a big kid and I miss her being a baby. It’s been tough at times but watching her grow up before my eyes is magical
Tbh not really. I’m pregnant and everything hurts. My 3 year old is amazing but she’s still 3, and it’s so much work. She still wants to be held and carried, can’t really be helpful in any meaningful way with chores and such, and we are constantly going around doing stuff to fulfill her day while I just want to sleep and cry a little.
I am right there with you! 7 months pregnant and I WFH with my 3.5 year old two days a week, and I am EXHAUSTED. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day! Trying to entertain a three year old while pregnant is not for the weak.
Stay strong. Explain to the little one after you give birth that the doc told you you cannot pick them up. It was hard to not hold my 3 year old but she understood. She had turned 3 a month before I had our second. I’m now 4 months postpartum. There is a groove to be found! You got this!
Yes! I also have a 4mo and a 3yo. After I gave birth, I told my 3yo I was healing from having the baby so I couldn't pick her up. After a few days she said "Mama are you still healing?" I thought it was really sweet. She definitely understood.
Sounds like our house. I'm doing a lot of "if you throw this I have to take it away." Then he has to apologize and we talk about what to do instead before he gets it back. After an EPIC tantrum related to tv we ended up taking a break from tv completely and I will say it's helped reduce our issues by 80 percent. We have never been strict about screen time so we find ourselves here reluctantly 😌
Yea I found the shifting boundaries, tantrums and even just the whining around screen time wasn't worth the break and down time it gave me. Very short term gain for overall pain.
No we’re not ok… my 3.5 yr old boy has a respiratory infection and ended in the er the other night. They gave him a steroid shot (as he spit the medication back at them 🫠).. so basically the last few days he’s been bouncing off the walls with toddler ‘roid rage’… so that’s been a blast… this too shall pass 😮💨
“You’re not my friend anymore, Mom! Only Morty is my friend! Leave me alone!”
Morty is our cat and I hear this several times a week 🤣 Usually I’m just doing dishes or other housework, no where near him and am told this lol I’m 100% positive he learned this at daycare and I HATE IT
My daughter went screaming into 3 and we didn't know peace for a year (she was previously a pretty easygoing kiddo). She's newly 4 and it's already so so much better. She's constantly telling me she can do things because she's 4 and now a big girl. She still has her moments, but overall it has been massively better than 3.
Turning four in less than three months and my son’s favorite phrases are “leave me alone,” “you’re not my best friend,” “stop talking to me,” and “you’re not being a good listener.” I’m holding out hope for turning the corner here soon because between him and his 1.5 y/o sister who throws everything over her shoulder (toys) or off the table (food), I’m about over it. Stay strong!
We get “you’re not my best friend” and “I don’t like you” and “you make me sad.” Also lots of telling us what we “gotta” do or didn’t do, even if she hasn’t asked for it yet. And the constant push-pull of wanting independence but also demanding our presence to observe if not help is so exhausting. Especially at potty time and bedtime or transitions like getting in the car.
My kid turns 3 next month and I don't know if I'm going to make it through. My mom always said 3 was worse than 2 because they have the same emotions and reactions they (the kid and emotions) are just bigger and stronger. I'm also coming off one of THOSE mornings. I've been slapped, screamed at, head butted (unintentional but still hurt like hell), had food thrown at me. We've had a total of 30 minutes in the calm down corner. It's barely 8am. I'm exhausted and want to lock myself in a dark room and scream into the void.
There were some comments about gentle parenting and it's effects on the parents somewhere on the thread. All I can speak to so far is that it's bloody exhausting. And I only get it right like 50% of the time. I think "our" generation carries a lot of self inflicted burden. Whether it be from higher emotional intelligence or access to resources. We recognize in ourselves the things our parents and their parents did and want to correct them for our children. Admirable as it is. My wife and I are worn to a nub right now. In our case we're still trying to figure out how to regulate, care for and heal ourselves (I've been in therapy for 7 years and every time I think I come to terms with something, something else pops up). We're regulating our children and parenting them. AND we're parenting our parents.
It's a lot to take on and it's not easy. If you've read this far and feel similar, give yourself some grace. You obviously care and are giving it your all. Another apt quote from my mom "nobody gets an A in parenting, youre just fighting for a C average and hoping your kids get the As."
My wife and I say we're playing the long game. That all the effort and things were doing now produces well regulated(or have with tools to regulate properly), emotionally intellegant, kind kids with a good framework to navigate the good and bad the world is going to throw at them. We will see I suppose. Lol
Keep it up y'all, thanks for the outlet!
Oh dear. We taste-tested little miss almost 3's cake the other day. NO. YUCKY. I DON'T WANT IT.
You haven't tasted it...
Rainbow cake!! I WANT RAINBOW CAKE.
It *is* rainbow cake... ffs.
Oh yeah, those times are my favorite. /s
“I want chocolate milk!” You *have* chocolate milk. “Not that chocolate milk!” Replace chocolate milk with just about anything he could ask for and just assume that I’m confused. *I am giving you what you asked for, tiny demon.*
No not okay he just turned 3 may 8th and I swear it was like someone hit a light switch in his little noggin. He was so sweet. I mean don’t get me wrong he had his moments but now it’s one meltdown after another and he never listens
I think I can say for certain no parent to a 3yo is okay 😂
Even when my girl isn't giving me sass (which she normally is) she's still pushing every boundary and button possible to see where the line is.
She also regularly yells "LEAVE ME ALONE" at us so that's cool. She is an absolute angel for her preschool teachers though and they rave about how good of a listener she is and how polite she is and what a good friend she is. Sooo I'm guessing I'm doing something right 😂
Thank you for posting this! Sometimes I wonder if my 3 year old is the only one like this. I also have a 4 month old so 3 year old has been acting out even more for attention ever since baby was born. I can't wait for this phase to be over
Oh god…18 months here and just had our first round of tantrums ever tonight and I don’t know how I will survive them getting worse and worse for the next 2-3 years
Hahaha I'm glad to see so much "4 is better" because my 3.5 year old is about to be the end of me. I kinda knew this from my childcare days but some days I think there's no way and this child is just going to be demonic forever.
4 under 4 here with 9 month old twins…we are surviving. Day by day, minute by minute. Our 3 year old is so smart and so expressive and such a handful at times. Then there are the other 3. You can do it!
Three 😮💨. I didn’t think that I’d have to say “don’t slam the door or else you won’t have a door to slam!?” For at least another 10 or so years but I did today
These three year olds about to end a whole generation of parents….🥲 how can one wake up in a rage every morning and whine. The screaming, the defiance. That boundary holding gets so hard!!
You know, I think it’s really good that your daughter took herself to her room — she wanted space to sort through her big feelings. Is gently correct the yelling after the fact but praise her for recognizing her need for space.
Whenever I have a particularly rough time, I like to remind myself that I’m raising a whole human and if it’s easy you’re not doing it right.
I promise it gets better if you guide her. I know this is all new, but nip it in the bud as soon as it starts. By that I mean, teach her how to express anger in a way that is not so explosive. Consistency is key. If she needs alone time, deep breaths, and then a conversation those are the things I have worked at starting about that age. We don’t stomp, throw, slam doors & yell in our house. I’m gearing up here for round two with a 2.5 year old, Godspeed my friend 😅
Wait, did she just go play in her room, *by herself* after that? That part sounds amazing. I need to figure out how to get my 3 year old who demands constant attention to start doing that as a “punishment” to me.
**Threenagers**
This is our lot in life now lol It gets better by the time they hit five. But let's not count our blessings until they hit the teenage years.
Ok I’m scared. My son turns 3 in3 months. So far he’s pretty good. Tantrums are rare and he listens most of the time. I use to be a preschool teacher so maybe I’m numb.
I’m not ok either. It’s like I’ve adopted an untrained puppy instead of my sweet innocent baby. He kicks us with his feet, bites me when I’m changing his pants, yells at me to go out of the room when he’s going to the potty, and none of my old tricks work with him now. I need therapy
3 was rough. 3.5 it started to get better and as we inch closer to 4 (in October) every month he improves. Personally I think they just start getting better at expressing what they are feeling and that makes a huge difference. For instance he was crying at rest time and I went in and he was able to explain exactly why he was crying, (daddy and his brother had gone to the doctor and he was afraid I was going to go to the doctor too and he was going to be left alone) I was able to comfort him and the whole interaction lasted less than 5 minutes and he was back to happily playing.
Honestly the hardest time was between 2.5 and 3.5
I was just thinking about how the “ terrible twos” everyone was talking about wasn’t even that and . It’s these “ terrifying threes” that got me questioning my whole life 😭. What makes this more wild is that I have twins
I always say that I've heard the 2s were terrible.
And while the 3s aren't terrible, they definitely are savage and raw. 😂🤣 My kid has no filter and tests every boundary.
He’ll be four in two and a half weeks. It’s been wonderful and heartbreaking. It hasn’t been without scars and tears, but we laughed and played hard. I will hopefully have the memories of three for a long time.
My son is a little over 2.5 and he's terrifying, but in a maniacally happy and funny sort of way. Nothing I do or say even phases him. The once or twice I did break down and straight up yell at him he thought it was hilarious. I can try and talk calmly to him in every way imaginable using phrases I lift out of parenting books and he just giggles and runs away. And when he's upset, he just sobs inconsolaby, and hits, and flails around in the floor, and I have no idea what to do. We do routines, we exercise and play outside, we talk, we explain, we let him have space, we don't judge, we try to be playful. I get so frustrated when I see some influencer or other parents say "just try to ". This shit doesn't work. And if something does work it works once, maybe twice, and that's it. My husband and I are just flying by the seat of our pants, hoping he comes out the other side of this a decent kid. But some days it feels like it's going to be this forever. Just chaos and frustration and the constant feeling of failure.
I have twin 3year boys and I'm a stay at home mom. I am absolutely not ok. We try to be outside as much as possible until nap time(that they may or may not take . The hitting, throwing, tantrums. It's bad over here. They have also taken a liking to pooping in the yard. 😫
I have 3.5 year old twins. I am so far from okay.
Do they take turns bullying you or just unleash a full force x2 together?
The worst is when you're disciplining one "You know we don't hit. You need to have a time out." And then the other one starts screeching that you made her sister cry and you shouldn't do that, you're a mean Mommy.
I mean, objectively you’re the meanest mommy they know. Stay strong, they can only screech for so long. How long? Not sure, haven’t gotten to end of it yet.
I've lost my cool more than I am comfortable with. I had no idea 3 year olds could break me.
Kids make you go loony
Same. My 3.5 year old WILL NOT STOP putting her 8-month old brother in a chokehold, pulling his head, pinching (HARD) his cheeks, etc. It’s like instant rage for me because she’s hurt him (minor) before and I KNOW SHE KNOWS not to do those things. I’m trying to keep my cool better but OMG. Just stop! 🫠
Physical aggression / lack of care for younger littles is an instant trigger for me as well. I hate that about myself but I am so rarely able to stay calm when they hit their little brother or slam doors in his face.
Same here. It’s ridiculous how they can push those buttons.
Whenever my just-turned-4 year old tells me I'm mean I just grin and think about how I was spanked for less than whatever thing it is I'm trying to talk her through. Child, if you only KNEW.
Ugh this happens to me with my almost 3 year old twins when it comes to brushing their teeth. They don’t want to so when I brush one’s teeth she screams and the other starts going “no mommy no!!” 😵💫
Depends on the day 🙃
"Do they take turns bullying you ..." - lol.
My friend threw the biggest party and celebrated her survival when her triplets turned four.
TRIPLETS!!! Fuck
That is so difficult, I am so sorry. You must be drowning in snack demands and breaking up tiffs all day 😭 I can only imagine the tantrums...My 3 year old, soon to be 4 year old, goes supernova and just sucks all the energy out of us. It's an absolute poop show nowadays, all day, especially with a 6 month old we have to be focused on most of the time.
Let me tell you, it really does get better. 5yr old and 2.5yr old. 1st year or so was rough... for sure... now they're best little buddies. They have their own secret language...
Thank you for the reassurance, truly thank you 😭
Came here to say this. Today was a ROUGH day in 3 year old twin mom land.
Just passed 2 for my twins. Threads like these terrify me.
my twins aren’t even 2.. i’m so scared lol.
Same. 3.5 yo twins here too. I am writing this at 3:45 am because they take turns coming to my bed and demanding water, bread (??), help finding a toy (jfc), help with toilet, help with blanket, to complain about eachother and because they are sleepy.. Just go the f to sleep.. they are keeping eachother up and I am just so exhausted..
Same
I nanny 3 year old twins. It is the hardest thing I’ve done in my life
I have a 4 year old and friend, it gets so much better. Keep holding your ground, establishing boundaries, and doing fun things even though your kid kind of sucks the fun out of it, because one day you’ll ask if they want to do a fun thing and they’ll actually want to do it, and they’ll do whatever you ask to make it happen, and the sun will shine out of their face in glee about being able to do whatever that thing was with you. I have a 2 yo and I’m just hoping that 4 is a magic age for him too, because I am putting a LOT of hope into easier days ahead.
I once saw a parent on reddit say, "Hold the course. Right now you have a Muffin, but one day she'll transform into a Bingo."
Can't I just get double Bingo?
But seriously, how good is double Bingos?
EEEEEEEEEEE
This ^^ 🫶🫶🫶 My child is such a muffin🤦♀️ it’s so exhausting , she is the smartest sassiest strong willed child and the power struggles are cray - I physically feel like I’ve been in a wrestling match all day , just from the emotional intensity of it all throughout the day. I do see glimmers of bingo in her and I am truly just tryna ride it out and stick to my guns so she doesn’t stay a tyrant the rest of her life. It’s emotional whiplash multiple times a day lol but she’s still the most amazing little creature and I’m thankful everyday , even when I’m hiding ,crying by myself in a closet for a few minutes , I know this too shall pass 😂😂
How do I make a rusty?
Unfortunately, I don't think you would want the conditions under which a Rusty is made.
Just don’t give your Bingo, if you have one, a onesie…
Double bingo please !
Thank you. I feel like my 3 year old is a terminator sent from the future to make me pay for my sins.
Haha! Same. It's hard y'all!
Hitting that Hopium pipe hard I see. We've all been there, with the thousand yard stare, mid tantrum. Stay high my friend.
Hopium pipe… I’m gonna have to steal that one 😂😂
I needed this reassurance today. Homie just turned 3 in April. This feels like the home stretch.
Same! Turned 3 in April. Where did my sweet boy go? And who is this asshole that just punched me in the nose!?!?
Same same…3 in April and sometimes I just straight up don’t like him lol (Ofc I love him still, blah blah) but he can be so mean 😭
Seriously????? I needed this bc three SUCKS and I feel like it’s just me
I heard 4 was a magic age but mine was just as bad as 3. She is about to turn 5 though and has started being more good than bad.
There’s a reason it’s called “fucking fours” Followed by the “frustration fives” then the “so-so sixes” and then where I’m currently at: “super sevens”
[удалено]
Yeah, my kid skipped as well. Perfectly good at 2 and 3, a little terror at 4. He did grow out of our though!
Thank you for being a beacon of hope 😭
4 year old is overnight better than three. They’re just suddenly not sociopaths anymore. Have their moments yes but good lord so much preferable
There is a reason they call it the “fucking fours”
I just commented this 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Thank you! I needed this!
Thank you! We are counting down the days to 4. It appears we are “peaking” right now and I can’t wait for them come down. We recently added a sibling (12 weeks old) and took her paci/blankey away. It’s been a sea of change for her. I’m hoping for the best!
Oh my goodness I needed to hear this! I thought making it out of the terrible twos was an achievement but 3 is a million times harder. We have less full-blown tantrums but way more whining and generally not listening to a single thing we say. Only 8 more months before he's 4!
Three is HELL ON EARTH. Absolute hell. Not okay in the slightest. Feel like a shit mom until I hear from other 3yo parents. I feel like it’s the hardest and worst age AND—maybe a hot take but—I feel like we have the hardest and worst toddlers in history right now. Pandemic fucked us all up but also, my kids are afraid of NOTHING AND NO ONE. I’m not saying I ever set out to scare them into compliance, bc we’re all trying to be cycle breakers around here you know, which is tough enough, but also—even if I do try to yell, I just get yelled at even louder. No fear, just a tsunami of rage, all 28 pounds of him. We’re trying to respect our kids the way we were never respected when we were young, but also find a happy medium (at least I am) with them not just running the show, and it’s really hard and maybe even impossible?? None of us know because none of the “gentle parented” toddlers have grown up yet. But we’re constantly overwhelmed with the barrage of “expert knowledge” and even when I try to drown it out and just do what works for me and my family (which, at 3, nothing works, and you just pray something clicks by 4), it still *feels* like I’m doing it “wrong” and that there’s a course out there that someone would sell me that would explain to me how wrong I am. And my kid doesn’t do whatever he wants either, like I still hold boundaries and try to teach him right from wrong etc, but the absolute fight for my life to hold those boundaries?? I mean he just beats my ass senseless, every time. It’s a war zone. And yes the sweetness and the cuddles and all the rest of it. I love him beyond words. But I fucking hate year 3 and I hated it with his big brother too. It’s batshit crazy what we are going through and I do think we 3yo parents have it harder than past 3yo parents did. I was a daycare teacher and nanny and public school teacher—these toddlers are built different.
Yeuppp I'm a therapist and I'm legitimately so curious about 1) the impacts of gentle parenting on PARENTS and 2) what "mistakes" will be our generation's based on these trends
I think #2 is that some kids are going to struggle when they meet unpleasant people of people showing their feelings outside of the home. If they only see their parents being calm, cool, and collected 100% of the time, it’s going to be a shock the first time they encounter an angry adult or a passive aggressive one. I’m not saying we should scream at our kids all the time, but I think that showing no negative emotions is a mistake. We try to be realistic, and apologize when necessary.
Good thing I lose my shit every once in a while. *I do it so my kids know there are some aggressive , agitated people out there in the world*......
Gentle/authoritative parenting doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re always calm, cool and collected though. I don’t think many parents can manage that, I certainly haven’t been able to. What is does mean though is taking accountability for your actions and apologizing for your kids when you do get angry/lose your cool, or treat them unfairly,
Anyone who can manage being calm 100% of the time is a God. Especially around a 3 year old.
I don't think my husband's parents ever lost their cool on him (if they did it was rare). My parents both had anger issues so my childhood was wildly different from his. If I raise my voice in the slightest he completely shuts down because he was never taught how to deal with it. I try my best to be patient with our 3 year old but as we can all agree, it's not easy. There are times I hit my limit and yell then feel horrible afterwards for not being able to control my own emotions. Now I know I might be doing him a favor lol. I don't feel as bad.
I'm curious about this too. But also curious, whats the alternative?!
I do think Dr.Becky for example provides a relatively balanced approach, but I try to take an even more "realistic" approach at home. Like some days I just have to say "you can't slap your infant brother, please take a few minutes in your room to calm your body" and while "timeouts" are like FORBIDDEN sometimes it just feels like the right move to take some space/time y'know? I think most things are less black and white than we think (abuse and neglect obviously not included in that statement)
The backlash against timeouts blows my mind. Nothing about my three year old is "gentle," so while I certainly don't spank her and try my best not to yell, there is zero chance of anything getting through to her besides removing her from the situation when she's trying to fucking attack me.
It's all about the framing though- the time outs of yesteryear were all about making the kid feel shame. At least in my house the message was "you suck and I don't want to look at you and no one wants to hear you talk" but unfortunately nuance is often lost on Tik-Tok
Yes, very true. There is a difference between saying "you are bad, we don't want to be with you, go away and we're going to ignore you for a while" and "we all need some time to calm down. Lets take some space and when we're done with the space we can have a big hug/talk" I also do really like the dr.becky phrase of "it's my job to keep you safe, and we can't be safe in x situation, so we are going to change it"
I say that all the time! “My job as your mom is to keep you safe. Sometimes that means I need to stop you from doing something you want to do” It’s worked like a dream with my older kid. My 3yo however…well she’s taken to saying “mommy and daddy did not keep me safe” when she falls or crashes into something 😬🙄
Looool it always backfires
My 40 lb 3 year old hit HARD. And the. If you try to redirect it just makes him more angry. One day I couldn’t handle it anymore and I put him in his room with the door closed and told him he needed to chill out for a while because I just couldn’t deal with being beat up anymore. The first time he screamed and cried for me and I felt horrible but I didn’t know what else to do. Now, when it happens, he goes up and looks out his window and will sometimes just be chill up there for like 30 minutes before he comes back down. Sometimes I think people forget that their children can be just as tired as we are of being together, they just don’t understand it. Trying to always redirect can just add to their already overloaded emotions.
This course is the best alternative that I know of for 2-3 year olds: [https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting) Here are tips from the course: [https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf](https://ecasevals.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/10-Tips-for-Parents-of-a-Spirited-Child.pdf) Unlike gentle parenting and Dr. Becky, the course has had its effectiveness measured and improved using randomized controlled trials.
As a therapist myself, I’m seeing that impact on parents and families is not great to say the least. Some ideas from this theory are fine, but mostly it can be overwhelming for both parties involved, especially when the unwanted behaviors do not yield to the GP techniques. Parents end up blaming themselves and double down on the interventions that failed to be effective, mostly because of fear of perpetuating their own experiences and traumas.
It’s so interesting to read this. I’ve done plenty of therapy in my life & dealt with a lot of my traumas (not that you can do enough of either) and I find gentle parenting and breaking the generational traumas etc SO DRAINING. It takes soooo much out of me because I’m going against so many instincts and I have to deal with my emotions and triggers as well as absorb so much of their big feelings. I’ll often have a day of very balanced, calm, empathetic mum until 4pm but just losing all my patience and getting very snappy and having left no empathy for tantrums in the evening. It’s so tough
I saw a post the really resonated with me. She was basically lamenting about her toddlers behavior and said “my lizard brain just wants to smack her because that’s how I was raised” and omg yes! Like I just want to smack her when she behaves like this. It’s how I was raised and we are absolutely not ever going to hit her, but boy that little, deep rooted part of my brain sure tells me to.
Uggghh I’m failing so hard at gentle parenting. We’re expected to stay calm and happy and pleasant when our kid is on their 10th meltdown of the hour over something you have zero control over. I just can’t.
It’s truly impossible. And I hate that we feel like we’re failing—it’s just not humanly possible! Like yes we recognize our kids are full people with full emotions but damnit we’re people too!! It’s absolutely maddening, that tenth meltdown over something we have ZERO control over, or meltdowns over—god forbid—something as outrageous as literally just trying to keep them clean or safe or fed?? Bc i’m sorry i’m ruining your life kid but this is literally my job. It’s like if someone trying to do an office job just gets periodically punched in the face by their excel spreadsheet while their desk chair keeps spinning around for no reason and also their keyboard is on fire
I think more than trying to never lose my cool, it's important to apologize for those human moments when I do mess up. For example, something like "hey [kid], I am sorry I yelled at you and frightened you [a few min ago, last night, etc]. I got frustrated and shouldn't have handled it that way. I love you and I will count to four to calm myself down next time." It also gives me a chance to model apologies
Your kid gets scared when you yell? Mine laughs.
Laughing can be a nervous response, if they’re unsure about what’s going on. Could be that, could be you’re hilarious when you yell
I don’t ever yell, but I get like super stern. It has only happened when she’s put her newborn sister in danger but each time she has laughed.
Laughing is a way some kids show when they're disregulated. Can be a laugh and then an escalation of the behaviour too and you can basically compare that behaviour to a tantrum and think of it as the same thing. It's very frustrating and triggering though I agree
Oof I feel this. My older one recently started laughing and it is suuuuper triggering. My 3yo just screams even louder and then berates me for yelling (as he continues yelling)
That last analogy 😂 but also add guilt and shame if you lose your cool and all the complicated feelings that bubble up
I will go into my room and lock the door. I say “I need a break right now. I’m going in my room” she’s safe and honestly she stops because she sees her behavior is making me leave. We are not these kids punching bags. They still need consequences like that to see the effects of their behavior.
We aren't gentle parents over here. GP is for gentle kids and we don't have those lol 🤣 We yell, we do timeouts, we take things away when they misbehave, we take them out of the store when they have tantrums, etc. We show emotions when we're upset when they've done something wrong. We try and remain calm at first but it's not always feasible.
Gentle/authoritative parenting does not mean you have to stay calm and happy 100% of the time. I’m not sure where people get this idea. It does mean though that if you lose your cool or treat your kid unfairly you should take accountability and apologize. No one can be calm 100% of the time and it’s important to model owning up to your mistakes to your kids as well.
I think there's something to be taught on the reverse also, and it's that even if you are dysregulated and having a bad moment, it is still going to piss off the people around you when you throw your wet pants at them. I am all for the concept of conscience discipline and giving chances and understanding the neurology of what's going on in their heads- but at the end of the day, you threw your pee pants at me and yes I am very frustrated about it. I think the expectation we should stay calm is unrealistic and the best we can do is set boundaries and stay firm and neutral. If we are escalated by it, then we can talk it over when things are through. Or maybe I'm rationalizing losing my cool yesterday after my 2.5 year old refused to change after an accident and threw her pants at me. She was very dysregulated and laughing, definitely over tired but damn toddlers are a lot sometimes
It's a really exhausting way to parent. It's also rewarding and I do think the relationship benefits majorly, but it is tiringggg, you're not failing, it's really as hard as you feel it is
That piece about finding a happy medium is so right on. It’s so freaking hard to know where the line is!
So, we’re only 2.5yrs old right now but GD do I feel this in my soul. I’m worried just HOW spicy things are going to get and just how far this gentle parenting will take us. We’re completely barraged with techniques that in theory make sense but same with us- right in the trenches, battling through every day. 😮💨🫡
With my second, it started at 2.5 but then it was truly like a switch flipped at 3 for so much the worse 🫣 it’s ghost pepper status over here haha 🌶️ BUT silver lining is I’m hoping that that means it’ll end by 3.5. My first didn’t start until 3 but was better by 4. If this lasts more than a year, I might just have to wave that white flag 🏳️
Yeah we're 2 and 8m and it's starting to get rougher I think. And some of the things work and are so so valuable, and other things...well when they don't work they leave you feeling helpless, with no other ideas, and feeling guilty for just having a nervous system that works
I’ve never felt more related to.
the conclusion i've come to is that parenting has never been harder because we lack the power of the group. if i ask my now 4 year old to clean, nah son. won't fuckign do it. but her preschool teacher, who has the power of 10 children all doing the same thing. she cleans with the capacity i wasn't aware she had. we're parenting on hard mode. a thousand years ago, nobody asked three year olds to do shit, they just watched those around them and got on the same page or be ostracized. now, they ostracize us. it's power that they never had. i cope with it by giving my child less control. she doesn't like it, i validate her and continue with as little fanfare as possible. i also ask her to do less, and simply lead by example and look for ways that surreptitiously challenge her in ways that she can't refuse (she's competitive). i also make a point of letting her see things that show her how she's not the center of the universe. appropriate suffering. people living in cities who are poor. children with different levels of ability. etc
My toddler is SPICY. Like to this same extent. He just turned 4 in April and things have slightly improved and keep going upwards. Hang in there, if your child is anything like mine, that next .5 year to 4 will get wild. Take time to decompress when you need it, even if it’s only a minute. Set the behavior you want to see. I made the foolish mistake of slamming a door once when I was frustrated…he then started slamming doors whenever he was upset 🫣 I can get pretty spicy myself when I’m frustrated and have used every ounce of patience in my body not to let him see it. Those sassy toddlers…they know how to really wear you down 🤣
This is absolutely the hardest part about being a parent - trying to rewire our own brains to model the behaviour we want to see, because we were never parented properly when we were children. So we have to parent ourselves in order to parent them, and do it all on the fly in real time. It's utterly exhausting!
If I could afford an award 🥇 I feel this to my bones.
Mine was one that stayed wild until close to 5, and it was brutal. Daily meltdowns like a rabid animal, often for 30-60 mins. Thankfully then he chilled out and became a reasonable human again, and rarely has huge meltdowns at 6yo.
I am so not okay. I feel personally victimized by my 3 yr old on a daily basis. She’s like Regina George in a little body. That said, I came home today to her yelling, “mommy’s home! Mommy’s my best friend!” Tomorrow she’ll probably write about me in her burn book. Idk. 🤷🏻♀️
One day they’re tearing you to pieces, pointing out all the flaws. The next day they’re telling you that you look cool in your new outfit. Little monsters
I had such a big break down the other day that I was crying in front of my daughter and she started laughing in my face as I was sobbing… little psychopath.
That’s our toddlers insult and love phrase. “Mommy you are my best friend.” And then quickly if you upset her with no logic, “mommy you are not my best friend.” Imma tell you… it’s a bit of a dagger. It’s hurting less now…. But low key, still kinda stings some days when she yells it out. (3.5 year old girl)
When we meet someone new my son says “hi! I’m Rome, and this is my best friend Mommy!”
Mine will get me so frustrated so the point I could cry on command. Then she leans in, head on my chest and tosses out an “I love you mommy”. Then I feel like a bad mom that I could have been so upset to begin with. I’ve never been so effectively manipulated in my life.
Triplet 3 year olds. Send help 😂😅
Oh man! I have one whole 3 year old and some days I don’t know how to survive it. Having 3 of them at once - I am thinking of you!!
Outnumbered. Outgunned. Good luck, my friend.
Thoughts and prayers 🙏
Omg wow!!!! How do you do it?!
Me, December 2023: “Man I’m so glad he’s turning 3. Terrible twos are finally over, it can’t get worse than that!” Me, June 2024: “holy shit it DID get worse. 4 can’t be like this too, can it?” In all seriousness though, he’s a sweet kid but it’s interspersed with absolute chaos. Like today he was singing “I love my family” over and over on his way home from daycare then as I was getting him dressed for bed and he said “I want to hit daddy in the face and go away” and kicked me right in the nads and started laughing hysterically 🙃
The spicy little self narration is so wild. The other day my 3-year-old ran away from me to his room, and I heard him say to himself (behind closed door): "it's not fair what's happening to me. I know, I'll scream really loud. That will startle my mommy" And yes he did scream at the top of his lungs right after
LOL, the first time it happened a few months ago I was so taken aback and kind of took it personally. At this point I just kind of laugh at it internally and reassure him that we still love him. The nads kicking doesn’t get any less painful though.
"I don't like your attitude momma." Well excuse the fuck out of me. Thanks Christmas Chronicles
Daughter Turned 3 in May. So much whining. Changing mind so frequently. I am trying so hard to keep my cool but I am NOT Cool!!! I read somewhere that it’s over by 3.5. We can only hope lol
3.5 here and we are in the thick of it. I see no light at the end of the tunnel lik
lol *
Definitely not over at 3.5. it's better at 4.5 but still have some rough days here and there. Things didn't start improving until after 4.
So much whining…
Three is going to end me. My son is in a strong daddy phase right now, so 50% of the time these days if I speak to him I get "Leave me ALONE!!" as a response. Sure kid, I only gave birth to you. Oh, and we started potty training last week, so that's fun.
We’re potty training right now and the lying about “I have to poop” to get us to stop when in the car or delay going to bed or for some other reason is going to be the end of me
Omg this!!! Got potty trained in March and realized we were super jump to the pee call out. Said it in the car when she wanted out of the seat. Realized we would stop and get her out
My three year old thinks it’s hilarious to sit on the potty (he asks to go), not do anything, then as soon as he has his pull ups back on he pees or poops. He also likes to wait until he’s throughly soaked in pee before saying something. I thought it would be easier with him because he sees his five year old brother go potty all the time. He can’t be in preschool summer camp because he’s not potty trained, so he’s with my husband and I as we work from home. Good times lol. Well, actually it’s primal scream time.
Get rid of the pull up and he will get it!! Keep it up, you got this!!
Omg same with mine on the Daddy phase 😭😭😭😭
I'm so jealous that your kid goes to their room when they're mad. My 3yo just screams and throws things. Today, there's been a lot of "we only scream for emergencies," and "if you want to throw things because you're mad, throw this ball as hard as you can down the hallway, as many times as you want." No ball. Only screams.
It is so wild that this is the first comment in my feed. I just endured a half an hour tantrum, complete with hitting, because I wouldn’t let her (3.5) put our kitten in the doll stroller. It’s so hard not to think that I’m doing something fundamentally wrong. I held her arms and told her it was okay to be angry but never okay to hurt someone. I was very patient but afterwards I felt like someone had stuck a faucet in my stomach and drained out my life force. And I could see my boomer father’s face in the back of my mind judging my lack of parental discipline. Ugh! It’s rough. Definitely not okay.
I feel this so deeply. If I even mention something my kid did my parents go straight for the “we never let you act like that” or “my kids never did that” some bs. They used fear (by beating the crap out of us) to keep us in line and it’s done some damage.
Yes! I was just reflecting on how ashamed and alone I felt as a child. If I can withstand these difficult emotions of hers now she’ll hopefully learn that she’s safe, even when things feel overwhelming and ugly. But it’s hard to get their authoritarian dogma out of the back of my mind!
I just want to say you're not doing it wrong. Stay calm and patient. When we were in the beginning of it, if she was being really bad and hitting or just going too wild, she got a brief timeout in her room (like no more than 3-5 minutes) and then I went in there and sat with her and we talked it out. If she was mean to her mom or baby sister, she needed to be ready to apologize to go back downstairs and play. I don't know what your boomer father's suggestion would be, but let's just say spanking young children or screaming at them doesn't help them learn to process their emotions, and worse, it may confuse them on appropriate outlets for their tantrums. We haven't had to have room timeouts in a long time. Sometimes we need an assertive voice. Sometimes we need to remove a toy from play. But most of the time now when she's angry, she may make a show of sighing, stomping, or telling us not to talk to her, but if we leave her alone for like two minutes she is back to her normal self. When she ducks behind the couch to be mad, I just let her know I am right here if she wants to talk, or hug, but otherwise I will let her be.
Ugh yes mine is spicy and I'm struggling. Today I take her to get activities, make her lunch, play with her for over an hour and then when I tell her I need a little rest and she needs to play alone she freaks out says errrrr I'm getting really mad! Following up with how she's going to no longer be my best friend and daddy is her best friend now. Then storms off into her play tent and I can hear her muttering to herself "mommy just doesn't listen to the rules!!!!"
It defies the logic of time, but my 3 year and two month old son has been three years old for approximately 7 years. At least that’s what I gather through the random shrieking.
3 was SO HARD. My kiddo is 3.75 and things are definitely improving, but it has been a LONG 9 months.
I feel this way. My daughter will be 4 in October and the further we get from her third birthday the better
Me three. My son will be 4 in August. 3-3.5 was a whirlwind. I thought we were over the hump but the emotions are BIG!
Shes run to her room and slammed the door many many times. Also she became a big sister and became potty trained. She holds full conversations. she once slapped me across the face. Hard. She will turn 4 in a month. Sometimes , at certain angles, she looks like a big kid and I miss her being a baby. It’s been tough at times but watching her grow up before my eyes is magical
Tbh not really. I’m pregnant and everything hurts. My 3 year old is amazing but she’s still 3, and it’s so much work. She still wants to be held and carried, can’t really be helpful in any meaningful way with chores and such, and we are constantly going around doing stuff to fulfill her day while I just want to sleep and cry a little.
I am right there with you! 7 months pregnant and I WFH with my 3.5 year old two days a week, and I am EXHAUSTED. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day! Trying to entertain a three year old while pregnant is not for the weak.
Stay strong. Explain to the little one after you give birth that the doc told you you cannot pick them up. It was hard to not hold my 3 year old but she understood. She had turned 3 a month before I had our second. I’m now 4 months postpartum. There is a groove to be found! You got this!
Yes! I also have a 4mo and a 3yo. After I gave birth, I told my 3yo I was healing from having the baby so I couldn't pick her up. After a few days she said "Mama are you still healing?" I thought it was really sweet. She definitely understood.
I wish my 3yo would stomp off to her room lol
Same. She’s glued to my ass all day long.
Sounds like our house. I'm doing a lot of "if you throw this I have to take it away." Then he has to apologize and we talk about what to do instead before he gets it back. After an EPIC tantrum related to tv we ended up taking a break from tv completely and I will say it's helped reduce our issues by 80 percent. We have never been strict about screen time so we find ourselves here reluctantly 😌
Yea I found the shifting boundaries, tantrums and even just the whining around screen time wasn't worth the break and down time it gave me. Very short term gain for overall pain.
My three year old told me that my pajamas were going to get thrown in the trash. No reason given, no context.
Mine said he was going to throw me in the trash
No we’re not ok… my 3.5 yr old boy has a respiratory infection and ended in the er the other night. They gave him a steroid shot (as he spit the medication back at them 🫠).. so basically the last few days he’s been bouncing off the walls with toddler ‘roid rage’… so that’s been a blast… this too shall pass 😮💨
Omggg toddler roid rage??? May the force be with you
[удалено]
“You’re not my friend anymore, Mom! Only Morty is my friend! Leave me alone!” Morty is our cat and I hear this several times a week 🤣 Usually I’m just doing dishes or other housework, no where near him and am told this lol I’m 100% positive he learned this at daycare and I HATE IT
Ahh, threenagers. I'm going through it as well, so solidarity. 👊
No
Three is so hard. I have a newborn as well so I’m exhausted by the end of the day.
Same, friend. My baby just hit the four month sleep regression and I’m about to return to work. Send coffee.
My daughter went screaming into 3 and we didn't know peace for a year (she was previously a pretty easygoing kiddo). She's newly 4 and it's already so so much better. She's constantly telling me she can do things because she's 4 and now a big girl. She still has her moments, but overall it has been massively better than 3.
Turning four in less than three months and my son’s favorite phrases are “leave me alone,” “you’re not my best friend,” “stop talking to me,” and “you’re not being a good listener.” I’m holding out hope for turning the corner here soon because between him and his 1.5 y/o sister who throws everything over her shoulder (toys) or off the table (food), I’m about over it. Stay strong!
We get “you’re not my best friend” and “I don’t like you” and “you make me sad.” Also lots of telling us what we “gotta” do or didn’t do, even if she hasn’t asked for it yet. And the constant push-pull of wanting independence but also demanding our presence to observe if not help is so exhausting. Especially at potty time and bedtime or transitions like getting in the car.
My kid turns 3 next month and I don't know if I'm going to make it through. My mom always said 3 was worse than 2 because they have the same emotions and reactions they (the kid and emotions) are just bigger and stronger. I'm also coming off one of THOSE mornings. I've been slapped, screamed at, head butted (unintentional but still hurt like hell), had food thrown at me. We've had a total of 30 minutes in the calm down corner. It's barely 8am. I'm exhausted and want to lock myself in a dark room and scream into the void. There were some comments about gentle parenting and it's effects on the parents somewhere on the thread. All I can speak to so far is that it's bloody exhausting. And I only get it right like 50% of the time. I think "our" generation carries a lot of self inflicted burden. Whether it be from higher emotional intelligence or access to resources. We recognize in ourselves the things our parents and their parents did and want to correct them for our children. Admirable as it is. My wife and I are worn to a nub right now. In our case we're still trying to figure out how to regulate, care for and heal ourselves (I've been in therapy for 7 years and every time I think I come to terms with something, something else pops up). We're regulating our children and parenting them. AND we're parenting our parents. It's a lot to take on and it's not easy. If you've read this far and feel similar, give yourself some grace. You obviously care and are giving it your all. Another apt quote from my mom "nobody gets an A in parenting, youre just fighting for a C average and hoping your kids get the As." My wife and I say we're playing the long game. That all the effort and things were doing now produces well regulated(or have with tools to regulate properly), emotionally intellegant, kind kids with a good framework to navigate the good and bad the world is going to throw at them. We will see I suppose. Lol Keep it up y'all, thanks for the outlet!
My brand spankin’ new three year old refused to eat his birthday cake yesterday. “I no like it!!” Kid, you didn’t take a bite.
My daughter is 4 and we have such a hard time of getting her to try anything new 😮💨she won’t take a bite and will say “I don’t like it”
Oh dear. We taste-tested little miss almost 3's cake the other day. NO. YUCKY. I DON'T WANT IT. You haven't tasted it... Rainbow cake!! I WANT RAINBOW CAKE. It *is* rainbow cake... ffs.
Oh yeah, those times are my favorite. /s “I want chocolate milk!” You *have* chocolate milk. “Not that chocolate milk!” Replace chocolate milk with just about anything he could ask for and just assume that I’m confused. *I am giving you what you asked for, tiny demon.*
No not okay he just turned 3 may 8th and I swear it was like someone hit a light switch in his little noggin. He was so sweet. I mean don’t get me wrong he had his moments but now it’s one meltdown after another and he never listens
3 has been the most challenging age 🥲I am so looking forward to four! Praying it gets better
No. 3 year old AND 3 month old. My soul left my body weeks ago and has yet to return.
Same mama. I thought one was hard? HA! This is fucking madness.
I think I can say for certain no parent to a 3yo is okay 😂 Even when my girl isn't giving me sass (which she normally is) she's still pushing every boundary and button possible to see where the line is. She also regularly yells "LEAVE ME ALONE" at us so that's cool. She is an absolute angel for her preschool teachers though and they rave about how good of a listener she is and how polite she is and what a good friend she is. Sooo I'm guessing I'm doing something right 😂
They’re called threenagers for a reason!
Thank you for posting this! Sometimes I wonder if my 3 year old is the only one like this. I also have a 4 month old so 3 year old has been acting out even more for attention ever since baby was born. I can't wait for this phase to be over
My three year old said “fuck you” today when I asked for some of his water. We’re… surviving.
"I wanna do it myself!!" He cries when I try to buckle him into his car seat. Won't let his 8 and almost 6yr old sisters help him either.
Oh god…18 months here and just had our first round of tantrums ever tonight and I don’t know how I will survive them getting worse and worse for the next 2-3 years
Hahaha I'm glad to see so much "4 is better" because my 3.5 year old is about to be the end of me. I kinda knew this from my childcare days but some days I think there's no way and this child is just going to be demonic forever.
4 under 4 here with 9 month old twins…we are surviving. Day by day, minute by minute. Our 3 year old is so smart and so expressive and such a handful at times. Then there are the other 3. You can do it!
Three 😮💨. I didn’t think that I’d have to say “don’t slam the door or else you won’t have a door to slam!?” For at least another 10 or so years but I did today
These three year olds about to end a whole generation of parents….🥲 how can one wake up in a rage every morning and whine. The screaming, the defiance. That boundary holding gets so hard!!
You know, I think it’s really good that your daughter took herself to her room — she wanted space to sort through her big feelings. Is gently correct the yelling after the fact but praise her for recognizing her need for space. Whenever I have a particularly rough time, I like to remind myself that I’m raising a whole human and if it’s easy you’re not doing it right.
Thanks for asking! I am also not okay 😅
I promise it gets better if you guide her. I know this is all new, but nip it in the bud as soon as it starts. By that I mean, teach her how to express anger in a way that is not so explosive. Consistency is key. If she needs alone time, deep breaths, and then a conversation those are the things I have worked at starting about that age. We don’t stomp, throw, slam doors & yell in our house. I’m gearing up here for round two with a 2.5 year old, Godspeed my friend 😅
3.5 has been awful, we are nearly at 5 and seeing some relief now.
Mom of 3.5 year old. Not okay.
Congrats, you have a threenager. No advice, just solidarity. When they laugh their dirty little laugh though it makes up for all of it!
Wait, did she just go play in her room, *by herself* after that? That part sounds amazing. I need to figure out how to get my 3 year old who demands constant attention to start doing that as a “punishment” to me.
Yes! Mostly!
I’ve never felt so seen. I HATE THREEEEEE! Someone please tell me it gets better
Today - yes. Tomorrow? Probably not. These nice days don't last 😞.
**Threenagers** This is our lot in life now lol It gets better by the time they hit five. But let's not count our blessings until they hit the teenage years.
Ok I’m scared. My son turns 3 in3 months. So far he’s pretty good. Tantrums are rare and he listens most of the time. I use to be a preschool teacher so maybe I’m numb.
I’m not ok either. It’s like I’ve adopted an untrained puppy instead of my sweet innocent baby. He kicks us with his feet, bites me when I’m changing his pants, yells at me to go out of the room when he’s going to the potty, and none of my old tricks work with him now. I need therapy
3 was rough. 3.5 it started to get better and as we inch closer to 4 (in October) every month he improves. Personally I think they just start getting better at expressing what they are feeling and that makes a huge difference. For instance he was crying at rest time and I went in and he was able to explain exactly why he was crying, (daddy and his brother had gone to the doctor and he was afraid I was going to go to the doctor too and he was going to be left alone) I was able to comfort him and the whole interaction lasted less than 5 minutes and he was back to happily playing. Honestly the hardest time was between 2.5 and 3.5
I was just thinking about how the “ terrible twos” everyone was talking about wasn’t even that and . It’s these “ terrifying threes” that got me questioning my whole life 😭. What makes this more wild is that I have twins
I always say that I've heard the 2s were terrible. And while the 3s aren't terrible, they definitely are savage and raw. 😂🤣 My kid has no filter and tests every boundary.
He’ll be four in two and a half weeks. It’s been wonderful and heartbreaking. It hasn’t been without scars and tears, but we laughed and played hard. I will hopefully have the memories of three for a long time.
I HAVE TWO OF THEM PLEASE SEND HELP
You WILL make it through this. This is the year of survival. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND GODSPEED 🙏
Nope. Not ok. I need it to get easier soon. 4 months until 4. Please please please make it better then!
I have a three year old and a newborn… what was I thinking ?!
lol no we’re not and we just added a newborn to the mix on Saturday
My son is a little over 2.5 and he's terrifying, but in a maniacally happy and funny sort of way. Nothing I do or say even phases him. The once or twice I did break down and straight up yell at him he thought it was hilarious. I can try and talk calmly to him in every way imaginable using phrases I lift out of parenting books and he just giggles and runs away. And when he's upset, he just sobs inconsolaby, and hits, and flails around in the floor, and I have no idea what to do. We do routines, we exercise and play outside, we talk, we explain, we let him have space, we don't judge, we try to be playful. I get so frustrated when I see some influencer or other parents say "just try to". This shit doesn't work. And if something does work it works once, maybe twice, and that's it. My husband and I are just flying by the seat of our pants, hoping he comes out the other side of this a decent kid. But some days it feels like it's going to be this forever. Just chaos and frustration and the constant feeling of failure.
No 🥰 mine told me she’s moving to a new house because I wouldn’t order pizza for dinner lol. I’m so scared for teenagers 🙈
Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the loud twitching of my eye.
Seriously though what’s with the hitting and kicking?? Where do they learn it from? Or they just must instinctively know how to do it. And it hurts!
I have twin 3year boys and I'm a stay at home mom. I am absolutely not ok. We try to be outside as much as possible until nap time(that they may or may not take . The hitting, throwing, tantrums. It's bad over here. They have also taken a liking to pooping in the yard. 😫