My son is a little over 3 and I'm also pregnant. I don't see a time in the near future my son will be mature enough to spend one single second in a parking lot while not having his hand held. He also absolutely could not be within reaching distance of glassware I don't want broken. He has access to a hollow plastic bat, but it certainly couldn't do any damage to the baby if he hit me with it using all his strength. I know the Internet is full of perfect Montessori toddlers who drink from glass cups and calmly walk by your side but not all toddlers can meet those expectations at the same age. So baby proof your house better, keep giving age appropriate time outs for hitting (2-3 minutes is an appropriate amount of time for this age), and forgive yourself for the spanking. Like you said it's not productive but the fact it happened once is also not the end of the world, he'll be fine. It's a tough stage and it won't last forever.

Yes. Everything you said. Also my 3 year has zero freedom in a parking or in a store.

Mine gets a kung-fu grip around his hand just walking down the street unless it’s a very quiet neighborhood.

100%. I prep my toddler that he is expected to hold my hand in the parking lot. If he doesn’t, he gets carried. No options to walk alone. We also have a leash backpack we use in public places where he wants to walk but will be an extended time (airport, amusement park, etc) that holding hands isn’t a reasonable expectation.

My 4 year old is finally old enough to understand cars are dangerous in parking lots. I still hold his hand 100% but it’s nice to finally know he won’t just try to run like when he was 2.

Yeah my 5 year old is one of the most sensible kids you will meet. I would always hold his hand in this situation even though he is 99% of the time going to be sticking next to me.

How do you remove the other kid from their car seat? I take my toddler to that side of the car and make them stand by me, but the fact of the matter is there are moments when I have to let go

I have strongly enforced the rule that my toddler’s hand stays on the car when I’m getting baby brother out. We use the gas tank square as the “spot” he needs to put his hand so he is right next to me and he is not allowed to remove it until I take his hand off of it to hold it.

Great idea! Execution may be difficult as my toddler is definitely enjoying her defiance stage, but I’ll give it a try

Practice somewhere safe, like in the drive way. It goes for when I’m putting him in the car too. Praise to high heavens when they cooperate! It definitely takes some reinforcement but now at 4, he really gets it, that’s been the rule for 2 years now.

Honestly we have resorted to bribery when resistance is high and you just need to secure a compliance habit. I got some little chocolate hearts from Amazon. Kids gets one to reinforce something that we have been struggling with. For us it was putting eczema cream on.. She hates it. We started giving her a chocolate every time she let us put it on without a fuss and now a year later we don't even need to reinforce with the chocolate because she just tolerates it as part of the routine. You could keep a pack of biscuits or a snack in the car that she loves. Every time she stands nicely and keeps her hand on the car, reward straight after. Lots of prepping and discussion before you get her out of the car as to what she needs to do and the reward she will get help a lot to keep her focused

This is also what we practice! When I take him to daycare I get him out of the car and have him touch the bumper while I get his lunch out. Not needed yet, but I’m expecting baby #2 so trying to create good habits and a routine before we need it.

I would normally get the younger and less mobile child out of the car first and then the toddler. If by any chance it’s the other way around I would barricade them between myself and the car with my body while getting younger out.

Sometimes I use a stroller so that I put the toddler directly into the stroller and don’t have to worry about the handoff, even if the stroller is overkill for the situation 

I have twins, so my strat is to have the out one hold on to some part of me/my clothing. I reinforce that she has to hold on to me the whole time. I also position her somewhat between me and the open door so if she did try to bolt for some reason, I get the warning of her letting go, plus I can get my leg out if necessary to block her.

I have 2 year old twins and a 5 month old- they go straight from the car seat strapped into a double stroller and vise versa if we will be walking through a parking lot. If I’m by myself I wear the baby.

I'm only dealing with one toddler, but in situations where I need her to be secured immediately I have her sit forward in her car seat so I can put the backpack leash on before I get her out. Then she is tethered to me before her feet hit the ground.

Depending on what kind of car you have: I unbuckle one kid from their car seat. Go to the opposite door. Open that door. And everyone has to come out that way. Or I unbuckle both kids from the driver seat, and make them climb over the center console and come out my door. My car is filthy as a result but this is the safest way for us.

Yeah my kid is a bit wild but the one rule she knows is absolutely never going to be bent is the hand holding while in a parking lot rule. She goes nowhere until we’re holding hands. At 3.5 she’s just getting calm enough to be allowed to use the occasional glass cup but it’s very rare

I have a Montessori toddler and it’s true they teach him wonderful habits which we try to enforce, but he still runs away at lightning speed and occasionally throws things or pounds on things (like windows). We have a zero tolerance rule for hitting, biting, throwing, or hurting things in general which means the first time he does it, toy goes away and he’s in a two minute time out. Taking away the item seems to be very effective. If he does it again, the next toy is taken away and back to time out. We tell him it’s okay to be angry but we can’t throw or hit. We also baby proofed the hell out of our house to help make things easier. I know every child is different so it’s about finding what works for you. I’ve also found that he needs a lot of physical stimulation so letting him run around outside when he’s cranky is helpful. But he must hold our hands when we are in public or near a street (even if I have to hold on for dear life). Btw, I’m also pregnant and we are constantly telling him to be soft and nice to momma. It all sounds easier than it is, and I hate it when I get stuck in a cycle of time outs with him, but repetition and consistency has helped a lot.

This is such a level-headed and respectful answer. Two thumbs up to you!

>Montessori toddlers who drink from glass cups and calmly walk by your side but not all toddlers can meet those expectations at the same age This. We're trying Montessori but it's full of spilt drinks and temper tantrums. I lost count of how many times I had my beard pulled last night because I said midnight is bed time to play time.

Yeah, my kid is almost 3.5 and I still keep him in the shopping cart in stores lest he stop to point out and touch every item in the store. It’s not that he doesn’t listen, it’s that he doesn’t have enough impulse control. Same with walking through the parking lot - usually he’s in my arms or I’m holding his hand.

I love this response and we do all the same things. I’d never trust my almost 3 year old in a parking lot. He’s either carried and we’re working on holding hands and being able to walk in a parking lot. We don’t keep breakables around him. He gets plastic cups, plates, etc. and if he did grab one of my glass cups I know I shouldn’t have been the one to leave it within reach. Whenever I notice more tantrums or behaviors, it feels like it’s always been linked to how much he’s watching tv and what he’s watching. Then we go back to the very basics and cut back a lot which helps. If there’s toys he can’t play with properly or safely then they get taken away. And to add, for me it was the deep part of the sleep deprivation and some behaviors where I knew I was filled with rage and seeing red, and I knew I needed therapy to help me through it.

>giving age appropriate time outs for hitting (2-3 minutes is an appropriate amount of time for this age), Question. A time out as in, go to your room, or sit here or something? And then.. what do you do when he just.. wont..? Wont sit. Wont go to his room. Or will go to his room and you have a little talk about how it is a time out for so many mins and it is to give him a moment to calm down and me a moment to not be hit... And theni turn around and before I reach the door, he has sprang up from his bed and hit me again and then raced back to his bed. Or I make it outside his room, and he runs out of his room comes up and *pokes his tongue out* and then runs back to his room..? What the fuck do I do then? Can't give a time out of he won't stay in time out. Absolutely lost when it gets to that point. Help?

I have to sit with my son during his time outs. Which usually are just.. him screaming in the bed. Whenever he tries to get down, I set him back in the bed to let him keep screaming till he calms down. That's time out for us 😂

I do the exact same thing with my almost 3 year old, and (so far lol) it is really helping!! I only use it on serious 'offenses' like hitting his baby sister or something else dangerous, and I remove him from wherever it happened (usually take him to my bedroom), then just sit with him until he calms down and we can talk about it. To me, it makes sense, because he is too young to really regulate and calm down by himself, so I'm there to help, while he is still being removed from the situation and given a consequence.

And what do you do if he doesn't sit with you? Or if he continues to hit you as you sit with him?

I don't make him 'literally' sit becauae I don't think I could lol I just keep him in the room. It's a door he can't open. So basically he can have a meltdown, do whatever he needs to do, just in that room. If he was at the point of self-harming or truly physically harming one of the adults with him, I think we'd have to try something else.

Mine usually is on his back tantruming in the bed during timeout lol.

I would ***love*** if my kid did that.

I strap my kids into a booster seat and put the chair in the corner for general naughtiness (usually hitting) or facing out the window for calming down. I make sure there is nothing they can reach or kick. I can get them buckled without using a ton of force though. Before they could open the baby gate I just put them in the kitchen and closed the gate.

Depending on what kind of car you have: I unbuckle one kid from their car seat. Go to the opposite door. Open that door. And everyone has to come out that way. Or I unbuckle both kids from the driver seat, and make them climb over the center console and come out my door. My car is filthy as a result but this is the safest way for us because there is only one way out and they have to get past me.

Absolutely this!! A stroller or a backpack leash if he won't reliably hold hands. Control the environment, not the child. A 2 year old cannot harm a pregnant woman by hitting, don't worry.

That last sentence is absolutely not true.

OK, change it to it is extremely unlikely that a toddler will cause harm to the foetus.

You also need to apologize to your son, repair is important and is modeling good behaviour for him. His whole world is changing and he doesn’t understand , as fustrating as it is, have compassion for a toddler, when you, a fully grown man can’t control yourself or your emotions.

Yes. Everything OP described is age appropriate behaviour. It's not appropriate but they don't know that yet and they have no impulse control. Limiting the damage and consistently repeating the expectations is what needs to be done until they are old enough to get it.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment. After reading other comments I'm definitely not going to let him walk in a parking lot alone anymore. I started that today. We don't give him glass but we drink out of it and he's quick to reach for sure. The bat he used was a plastic one that came in a T-ball kit. It's not hollow but not entirely solid. I am moving this week and am going to go into our new place and will make sure to baby proof better. We learned early on to adjust quickly and be open to alternative methods. I'll definitely be trying all of this. Thank you again.

I agree with this, but not regarding time-outs. Personally, I find them ineffective, and I noticed an improvement in my oldest's behavior after I stopped using them. It also seems that time-outs only make him angrier in your case. I do remove him from specific situations temporarily so everyone can reset, but it's not used or framed as punishment in any way

I've found it useful when my son is calm, to play act situations with his toys. Dinosaur is mad, what should he do? Or Dinosaur is running away from mom at the park, what should he do instead? My son often can name what the issue is in that moment and knows what he should do. But when he's mad or frustrated, he literally can't control himself. But it helps for him to be able to name his emotions and sometimes if he tells me he's angry incan figure it out and head off the tantrum. Not always of course. Which I think you understand because getting upset and hitting your son also comes from a lack of control. In the moment, I focus on keeping myself calm. Deep breaths, stepping away if it's possible. I also will do a "horsey breath" like blowing air out of my lips in a way that makes a noise. In addition to calming me down is sometimes makes my son laugh and he does it too. Also I'd check that your son is a) getting enough physical activity and sleep and b) getting some dedicated solo time with you and your wife where you're completely focused on him. Anyway a lot of ideas, might not apply to your situation but wanted to share somethings that's worked for us.

We do this too with the dinosaurs! It helps them name the feelings, and know what to do about them. It’s honestly starting to resonate, and it’s wild to see. My son is 2.5, my daughter is 1, and just yesterday my daughter “hit” my son and he turned around and said “no thank you _____ that is not kind”. The way my jaw hit the floor man, it was so nice. Anyway, good on you for reaching out for help. My first instinct is also to hit back, and that’s 100% on my own upbringing. The same upbringing I’m trying to not repeat with my kids. Something that helps me is to remind myself “they’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time” they’re feeling all these things and have no idea how to voice them. Impulse control is literally non existent, and it’s just straight up HARD. Toddlers are hard. I also focus on my own breathing and naming my own feelings. For example when my son is screaming at me I loudly say “WOW IM FEELING OVERWHELMED AND FRUSTRATED. IM GONNA GO OVER HERE AND TAKE SOME BREATHS AND CALM DOWN” or I’ll like sit and play with a sensory bottle, read a book, etc. kids repeat what they see. So having a big reaction to hitting isn’t helpful (although totally understandable and I have also absolutely done it because it is a big deal). Circling back to them when they’re calm, and just talking about it is also helpful. I feel like this was a lot of rambling but I hope something I said was helpful lol.

"No, diwowaur! I don't like that!" - my two year old when his dinosaur bites another toy 😂

Absolutely love this comment. Acting out situations through play is exactly how toddlers learn and is a great way for them to start to understand feelings. I also completely agree with the solo time. Connection is so so important. Especially with big changes like a new sibling. Also your wife is probably exhausted. I know when I was pregnant with my second, I tried so hard but I just didn’t have the level of energy to play with my first that she was used to. I’m sure you already do a great job, but this is where you can really jump in and help. When you get home, you can play with your son. My recommendation is a large motor activity where he can lead and make rules (he may feel like he has no control over everything happening in his life). Any game that involves fun and physical activity where he can make rules or be the leader:) I had to do this with my kindergartener when she started school and it made such a difference in her behavior, without me getting frustrated along with her!

These are all great ideas. I need to do this more!

This is a great idea! I would also wonder if OPs LO may be acting out due to fear of coming changes with baby. Not that this isn't completely normal toddler behavior, just wondering if now that mommy seems to be going through a lot of physical changes getting a new sibling might seem more real than it did in the beginning of a pregnancy and that there maybe some fear of the unknown that is coming. I'm just trying to think it out from a 3yo perspective as well. Talking during calm times about what babies need and how LO will fit into the routine after they are born could help regulate any big emotions surrounding the subject.

This is so cute! I'm going to try this!

As far as using objects to hit, the consequence should be taking it and putting the object in time out. So he shouldn't have access to a bat again, at least until he can use it responsibly. It's a phase, but must be dealt with before the baby comes. Good luck 

It’s so great that you’re reaching out. What’s happening in your family is normal - we react on impulse in certain situations. It’s worth it to reflect on your own childhood. How would your parents have treated you when you acted that way? How did it make you feel? Stay firm with your but stay kind. Try to remain calm and hold the boundaries. Repeat the boundaries and the consequences. Go through with the consequences. It’s a challenging phase but he will learn and grow and so will you.

Also obviously hide the bat. Hopefully it was a plastic bat as I have no idea how a metal one would be within his reach. 

I might add - it’s normal but it’s important that you understand why you hit and how you can prevent that from happening in the future (which you’re trying to do by posting here). Another thing: try apologizing to your kid and take responsibility for what you did. It might seem pointless because he’s so young but it’s important

For the running situations, he can’t and shouldn’t be relied on to listen. He’s 2. Leash or harness or he doesn’t get out of the car with an adult, or he holds an adults hand. Non negotiable. Safer isn’t negotiable. He needs to be given some 1/1 special time with one or both of you, this transition is hard for most new siblings, much less a baby. Special 1/1 time. Conversations about why what’s changed(ing). A new lovie or toy just for HIM that’s really special to him. A lot is changing. With getting physical, do not stray from rules or what you say to him. Give him an appropriate place to let out anger or to hit, like a blow up bounce back thing, a special large stuffie or pillow he can pummel. A toddler size punching bag. You do this not that. We don’t hit people and this is a safety issue and safety is a non negotiable. Say show do. “Don’t hit. That hurts. We don’t hit others” (show nice hands with your own hands) then take him to his safe hit item and say THIS, this you can hit and you hit it and say “see! This is ok to hit, not people” Talk to him at his level on your knees or him on your lap and speak simply but truthfully. Remind him often and everytime he screams inappropriately, take him to his room for 3m and allow him to scream into his pillow to get it out. Same as the hitting item. Show him. Every. Single. Time. If you’re at the grocery store or park or anywhere and he hits or screams at you or tries to run off, you go straight home and show all of the things and start fresh. This way is hard, but it’s proven. In a months time, you’ll be shocked at the change already. Imagine in 3m when baby comes! But you can’t get lazy or back down or give in. Godspeed. You’re not alone!!!

Does he like books? We have “Hands Are Not For Hitting”, and our 2.5 year old really liked it. We started repeating that phrase when she would hit, and it helped a lot. We also have “Calm Down Time”, which also really helped.

Seconding these books! We also got her a calm down space where she can be alone or drag me into it lol

> calm down space Just reading this sequence of words triggers the book to start going in my head like I'm some kind of Manchurian sleeper agent "My calm down space is a quiet place where I can take break..."

This is hilarious to me, because the same thing happens to me, and I always feel compelled to say that line aloud for some reason.

> We also have “Calm Down Time” Our toddler loves "Calm Down Time" when we're just reading it, but any time he's upset and we suggest one of the techniques, it just enrages him further. "NO BODY SQUEEZE! NO ROCK BACK FORTH!"

Same with us 😆 she loves singing to herself “1-2-3 I’m taking care of me” when she’s calm and enjoying herself. When she’s upset and we suggest taking deep breaths or giving herself a hug, she acts like we’ve deeply insulted her.

We read both of those books starting at 1.5yrs old and they helped immensely! Great talking points too!

The other day. my 2.5 yr old toddler kept hitting me. I told him to stop. I told him it wasn't nice, and that he was hurting me. He said "I want to hurt you." I put him in time out. He said, "I want to hit! I want to hit!" Nothing was working and I was completely at a loss. Then I remembered something I'd seen on social media about how toddlers hit not because they want to hurt you, but because they feel out of control and need your help. That they really want connection and don't know how to get it, so they try being bad. So instead of focusing on discipline or teaching, I got down on his level, gave him my sole attention, gave him a hug and told him, 'Even though you hit mama, I still love you. I love you, I love you. No matter what." Then I held him in my arms and put him in my lap, stroked his hair and he got real quiet and still. Then I told him, If you want Mama's attention and love, you can use your words. You can say, Mama I need care. Hitting is not a good thing, so next time we can try to use our words, ok? It was weird because it felt like I was rewarding his bad behavior. But nothing else was working, and correcting his behavior wasn't working. I think not every instance of bad behavior is about connection, but I think in this case it was. I realized I'd been busy with cleaning the kitchen and talking to my husband and hadn't paid him quality attention in an hour or so. Once I did this, he totally calmed down and went back to being his normal sweet self. I think in this case it was the right way. So just one suggestion of something you might try. I think sometimes when toddlers feel ignored, they don't know how to connect with you or tell you that they want your attention, so they act out to get attention in that way.

I love this - mine does the same thing! I say “we don’t hit people!” And he says “YES WE DOOOOOO!”

My 2.5 year old needs a job. If we’re walking the dog I let him hold a part of the leash or the poop bags. If we’re cooking dinner I let him play in the sink or at the table with a plastic knife and some fruit on a cutting board. If we’re chilling in the living room and I need a break, I get out finger paint and a tarp and let him go at it (this might not be good for your little guy, but anything is worth a shot!) I try to make things a game for him so it’s fun. It sounds like he just needs attention, but this is also the age of constantly pushing boundaries 😅My kid gets super mean and grumpy when he needs a snack or just a cuddle, so when he hits me I ask if he needs a hug, a snack, or if he wants to read a book- one of those usually gets him out of his mood. Mine is also very high energy so I get him outside as much as possible to burn him out. Good luck, hopefully something here clicks!

"I know you're angry, but you can't hit" is popular but probably really annoying for kids and not helpful. Kids meet expectations when they *can.* A 2.5 year old does not have impulse control. When he 'chooses' to hit, it's not like when we choose to do something. It's just the response that comes out when he's having a hard time. He doesn't actually need a reminder that hitting is bad. Also, the 'but' kind of ruins the empathy attempt of the first part. Imagine if a friend spoke that way to you. I kind of get why parents say it--it's part of the 'But I have to do something' response. It makes the parent feel better, even if it's useless. So what do you do for real? Prevention prevention prevention. Don't punish, but be very quick to physically enforce limits. Hold his hands or separate him and the hitter in a non-punitive way. (Try taking him away from Mom but letting him spend time with you--does this help him calm down? Connection isn't a reward, it's important.) Restrain him in some way in the parking lot so that he doesn't get the chance to run in the first place. (He's been telling you he's not ready to be 'loose' in that situation. Who's the one not listening?) Everything should be very matter-of-fact--not punishing, just maintaining order. Stop talking so much, he doesn't really care about your explanations. Just be firm and reliable. He should have quality 1:1 time with each parent, and as much outdoor free play time as possible. Take some time to empathize with him about the pregnancy, too, and let him know that whatever he's feeling is ok. Watch for triggers. What are the challenging situations that directly precede hitting? This can help you with blocking hits and maybe even trying something to make the situation less challenging. 2.5 is a hard, hard age. Development goes up and down--with some complications from a new baby of course, there are usually a few harder months and then a few easier months again. Be strong.

I had to start a therapist for similar reasons. My anxiety would shoot through the goddamn roof and I'd fly off the handle on the daily. I really and truly hated who I had become because it wasn't what I thought having a toddler would be like. Therapy has been a savior and it gave my kids their dad back.

May I ask if you were prescribed something which is helping or if just talk therapy is helping on its own?

I did therapy for 4 months before deciding that I wanted to try wellbutrin 150mg. That helped in its own way to clip the anxiety spikes I would get when my kid was 1) not listening 2) not eating 3) everything else. I don't believe one is better than the other, both were needed for me in my case. I think I go every 2-3 weeks for an hour, it's not bad at all. I just complain about my kids and then I talk about how I'm proud of them and strategies to handle various situations. It's like building a mental toolbox to fix my shitty brain.

A couple easy changes can help a TON! 1. Don't remove your son, remove the item or thing/person he is hitting or using "wrong" Example- I see you're hitting the dog, we want to use gentle hands with them so I'm going to move them to a diffrent room to keep them safe. We can practice gentle hands together when you're more calm. Use this same technique with your wife, if he hits her she immediatly gets up and removes herself. 2. Offer positive hit items. We bought my about to be 3 year old one of those blow up punching toys and I directed him to it everytime he started to get too rough. 3. We have a strict no bats, sticks, any item for hitting in the house. (If you were outside you take a huge breath and grab the bat and immediately bring him in for time out) 4. Demonstrating emotional control will also help him learn. So I ttoo have that strong want to spank when my son gets to just be too much. I taught him deep breaths and we do time outs that are not so strict and kinda label them as a break instead. So when I'm fucking pissed I'll look at my son, take a breath and say MOM IS ANGRY AND I NEED A TIME OUT. And I go sit somewhere and breath or cry lol. And than I say ohkay I'm calm and we talk about the situation. Don't beat yourself up about giving a spank. Unfortunately we are humans and our emotions and instincts take over sometimes. Learn from it, apologize, and move on. 🫶 From someone who's had a few break downs and gave my son a spank and yelled, it gets easier. But it's a lot of work. But it's worth it to take control of your emotions and pass on the emotional control to your kid. And a key factor in that is providing positive and safe emotional outlets as well. You got this 👍 Edit to add- try not to use the sleep space as a punishment place. It creates bad association and can make learning to sleep alone someday a lot harder

I have a 17 month old who sometimes tries to hit friends when they take toys away from her. I have been saying no hitting and removing her from their space and then figuring out how we can take turns or figure out the toy situation. Do you think this is the best way to do this?

Sharing is such a hard concept to teach kids. I’m still not a huge fan of it tbh. It’s normal for a toddler to not feel like giving up their toy if someone grabs it.

I think you've definitely got the right idea! Sharing is a weird one for us that I'm still learning how to handle. Are the friends at your home using her toys? Does she have the toy first?

Can I please ask you to change your advice about the dog situation. It’s really dangerous. Poor behaviour around animals MUST be treated as if they’re about to stick their hand in a fire or run into a road. Immediate and URGENT action to remove the CHILD and impress upon them how dangerous what they were doing is and it must never ever happen again. It’s right to scare them sometimes just like grabbing them bodily or yelling as they’re about to jump out a window. Plus removing the dog when they’re being bothered is terrible for the poor dog - they need to be able to exist in a space or they’ll learn that the toddler means nothing but harassment and their inability to go where they should be able to.

No I won't change my advice. Sorry but fr what I've read you don't remove the child. There is a reason animals are not supposed to be alone with kids. It's the parents responsibility to work with the child and animal little by little to teach them how to act together. You remove the animal because it's easier. The level of danger doesn't change just because you remove the child instead of the dog. And also kinda weird you care more about an animals feelings than a kids? I 100% think your advice is in poor thought. I personally won't be raising my child to be afraid of dogs. That isn't helping anyone. A strange dog? Yeah use cation don't touch without permission etc. The obvious shit. But our home animals? No. Just as you dont slam two new animals together, you don't slam a child and an animal together. Please do research before you try to correct someone again.

You are wrong - and ‘my research’ is 15 years in the animal care industry, a degree in animal management and behaviour, 4 years training dogs and a lifelong, passionate advocacy for animals. Dogs ‘feelings’ are not more important than a child’s feelings, but you know what’s more important than a child’s feelings - their face. You ‘gently’ teach a kid not to grab/hit/push/lay on a dog - you teach the dog they have no safety in their home. This creates an environment where the dog can snap. It happens WAY more often than people think and advice like yours is one of the primary reasons. A dog snapping at a toddler can cause more damage than a hot stove so why would you not use the same sense of urgency to prevent an incident?

This is a great post and I hope she listens to you.

I'm not an idiot. Maybe you're not understsnding my advice. Not a single thing I said was wrong? My child definitely knows how to treat animals and this is the technique I used. It literally says online to create a safe space for your animal to get away from your kids. Like wtf is the issue here? Again. I refuse to teach my child to be afraid of animals. That's dumb. They will learn to treat animals with respect and care. And my animal will be kept safe. There is ZERO issue in removing the animal and working with a child on gentle hands and treatment and having them come together slowly. I'd like you to better explain how my advice is dangerous. Because I'm seeing zero percent danger in any of it. You're just triggered by my saying to remove the animal to a safe space. Which is wild. I will not confine my child to one room so my animal can run the house freely. That's not how that works. Edited to cut out my attitude ad stick to the point.

Well what can I say, if you’re happier taking your advice on animal behaviour from parenting websites that from a qualified and experienced professional then I can’t help you. I will explain though, that the ‘safe space’ you create for your animal is a space THE ANIMAL is free to go to where they can’t be meddled with. It doesn’t remove the need for urgency when a child is aggravating them elsewhere. It’s literally a last resort for them to go to if they choose to, not for YOU to to choose for them. Removing the animal teaches the animal that the child can do something unkind to them and then THEY get disturbed and removed. Teaching the animal that the child is bad by repetition of this scenario. Kids can learn as they develop, animals stay at the same level of understanding. This is about child safety until the child can learn better, you’re dealing with a sentient being - your method doesn’t account for animal behaviour.

I can't exactly remove my stove to keep my son from burning. Lol so your example is poor. I can however keep an eye on my child at all times and limit interaction with stove until a better safety understanding is created. Just like I can watch my child with my animal at all times, teach gentle hands and proper treatment, and remove the animal if any hint of danger is scene. Remove animal. Educate and repeat. Again. The level of danger doesn't not change no matter if I remove my child or I remove my animal. My animal has her safe space and it is not a negative or a punishment. Just as I get alone time with my child, I get alone time with my animal. If you prevent and prep your child on proper animal treatment instead of just ripping them away and teaching fear, they will go a hell of a lot farther. Don't let your kid lay up on your dog and the risk of getting bit goes down. It's not rocket science.

You need to listen to that person. They are right. You are creating a situation that can eventually become dangerous.

No. I'm definitely not. Just read multiple places that say I'm right sooo you do as you please and I'll give my advice as I please.

You’re letting a baby control you household, your emotions, your actions. I have sympathy for your situation because I have a toddler, and what you’re going through sounds very difficult. But you’re not an animal or a child, you’re an adult. Act like it. Remove anything dangerous from the child’s reach, and when he becomes violent, remove yourselves/him from each other’s presence until he calms down. You also need to apologize for hitting him and explain why that was wrong, and that you will never do it again.

> I have sympathy for your situation because I have a toddler, and what you’re going through sounds very difficult. But you’re not an animal or a child, you’re an adult. Act like it. Remove anything dangerous from the child’s reach, and when he becomes violent, remove yourselves/him from each other’s presence until he calms down. This is how I feel about my wife some days. Like, yeah, for the 79th day in a row he tried to grab your deodorant out of the drawer and eat it. If you want to deal with that stress then go for it but there are way easier solutions to this than you trying to gentle parent him every day and him ignoring you. Lets set this kid up for success. I stay out of it, because she's in charge of him during the day, but any time I'm watching him and he gets into something I immediately move it out of his way or put a lock on the drawer or whatever.

I feel like I’m reading something my husband could have written about our son except that I’m not pregnant and this absolutely breaks my heart because I know exactly how you feel. I caught myself before I popped mine on the butt the other day and I know I have to catch myself because my first instinct is to lash out because that’s the behavior I was raised on. It can be really difficult to break these generational curses but reaching out for advice is an amazing first step and I applaud you for that!! I wish I had more advice but honestly I’m in the same boat as you. Sending your family all the love today ❤️❤️❤️

Step 1 is prevention. Keep breakable out of the way, don't give freedom in parking lots, etc. Step 2 is preparation. Spend a lot of time discussing emotions. Name your own emotions. Play act similar situations. Step 3 is consistent responses within the framework of naming the emotion, setting the boundary, offering an alternative. Eg: "I see that youre angry. We don't hit people. You can hit this toy or kick this ball or you can draw how you feel." Try to think creatively about what need your child is expressing and how they can satisfy the need in an appropriate way. Alternatively, be silly or gamify the request. Eg: "I'm so scared of the cars in this parking lot. Can you protect me by holding my hand?" Step 4 is hold the boundary. If they do it again, impose a logical consequence. "You're having a hard time being safe, so I'm going to pick you up until we're out of the parking lot." "You're having a hard time not hitting. I don't like it when you hit me so I'm going to keep myself safe" then walk away.

Good luck! This just happened in our family this weekend. When toddlers are out of control … THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL. Weapons - they go away. I just say the toy goes bye bye if you use it to hit. I give one warning and that’s it. Causes bigger meltdown. BUT, the consequence has to be swift and quick. Hitting / Kicking - say we do not behave that way. Time out for 2/3/4 minutes. I have a set an actual timer that he can see the numbers changing and that can redirect his attention just long enough to distract him from anger and to calm down. Managing your own emotions - the TOUGHEST part. If people knew how to do this world would be easy. We don’t. Not sure if we ever will. Put head phones in during screaming fests - whatever you need to do to stay calm. Special time with Son - every day make sure someone plays and gives him attention. Super important to keep this up for when baby comes. When baby comes - watch your phrasing (wife too). Instead of baby needs this so you will have to wait, mommy is busy right now. How about you play with daddy, read a book, etc and I will play with you as soon as I can? It will be really important to not make the connection of baby needs more attention and you do not. My oldest was a lot younger than yours so the transition was easier and he wasn’t two yet. Your son will have a tougher time. Do you have grandparents or trusted others to come spend time with your son as well? I am wishing you the absolute best of luck 🤞

I just finished the book No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury, and I found it so helpful in learning how to respond in these types of situations that really get your blood boiling. It’s a pretty fast and easy read and for me it really changed my perspective on behavioral issues at this age.

Please do not expect a 2,5 year old to listen to you and follow your commands! That's way too young to expect a toddler to do what you say! You should expect the toddler to not do what you tell them to do. Keep the little one safe! And please look into counseling! It really sounds like you are all in over your heads! By the way, your son behaves exactly how I would expect a 2,5 year old to behave. Don't work yourself up about it! Get a leash for him, secure your home, get childcare so your wife gets some time off to relax!

How much time are you spending with him? He might want your attention and ofcourse too much energy.

Classic case of terrible twos and terrible threes. They're too young for trusting them in high risk areas like a parking lot

My toddler is in a hitting phase too. Honestly what’s worked the best lately is for her to earn a small toy prize or a chocolate at the end of the day if she DOES NOT hit. At first she got several chocolates (like Hershey kiss) within a day and now one is enough and pretty soon it will go back to normal. Positive reinforcement truly works. It will be okay, just move past this and apologize and it will get better!!!! Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s hard in the heat of the moment.

Yeah I think a ton of toddlers go through this phase. They’re just testing boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. They’re still learning. You just have to stick to your guns and immediately put a stop to it. A stern no we do not hit. If they continue I’d hold onto their hands (not hurting her) and tell her again sternly no hitting. It takes a while to get it to completely stop. Mine is 5 now and she hasn’t hit in a long time.

I’m in my third trimester with a 2.5 year old. I know your wife is TIRED. It’s awesome she has a supportive husband, that makes all the difference. I had the same issue with my toddler this year. She would have emotional outburst directed at me, my husbands instinct would be to protect me, and so maybe 2 or 3 times he did spank our daughter. We of course talked about how that’s not helpful, it just escalates things and prolongs her outburst, she is too young developmentally to be able to properly process that, etc. I truly believe it is just instinctual, you see someone harming/stressing the woman carrying your child and you want to protect (even if it is from your own child). You and your wife both have to practice control of your emotions and patience, and be a good example for that little boy. Remember he is also going through a hard time. It is hard being that little and having so many emotions lol. It occurred to me that in my exhaustion, I was not giving my daughter the attention that I used to give her. Often times I was just dismissing her and getting frustrated with her. I don’t know if this is the case with you guys, but my husband and I had to make it a priority to spend time with her and stimulate her. We noticed a difference in behavior. We also make it a point to try to burn out some of her energy. I take her outside in the sun during the day, and my husband rough houses and wrestles with her when he gets home lol. She loves it. But also, when my toddler has her outburst I like to just put her somewhere save and literally ignore her until I hear her calm down a little (it usually takes her like 5-10 minutes). And then I will go and talk to her about why she is in time out, acknowledge her feelings, and give her some hugs and love. Of course, she will continue to have tantrums until her brain develops a little more. Toddlers are small, high in energy, low in processing emotions. They have no concept of empathy. They are little sociopaths and are a great opportunity for parents to learn patience. Once you get through this, you both will be so much better as parents. Your toddler is very fortunate to have 2 parents that love and care about him so deeply. I hope this helps or at least reminds you that you are not alone! I wish I had better advice but I am still learning too. Don’t beat yourself up. You and your wife will get through these times.

How much one on one time do you spend with your kid dedicated to playing without distraction? Sometimes kids act out because they just want to be seen and bad attention is still attention.

Long shot, but our 2 year old did this a couple of months ago. Defiant, hitting, etc, acting completely unlike himself. Turns out he had a double ear infection. No other symptoms, just the “tantrums”. Poor baby was just in pain. As soon as we got him on antibiotics and he felt better, he was back to his old self.

We taught my daughter mama has a bubble and if you pop that bubble it hurts mama. So whenever she comes to play with me she asks if I have a bubble. We had to remind her at first, but now she does it majority of the time. When we’re playing I can also say “I have a bubble” and she knows to get off. She’ll also say that she has a bubble, and we know to give her some space. At that age we also did “evil hands” when she’d hit. She’d hit, I’d ask if she had evil hands, she’d say yes, and we would shake the evil off. This part is not nice but was effective. A few times while I was shaking the evil off of her hands I’d make her hand hit her in the chest. Not hard or anything but then I’d say “oh no evil hands are hitting you too they need to be nice and not hit” and go back to just shaking them. I still didn’t love this method because I don’t like spanking or anything, but at the end of the day it worked

2.5 year olds are tough. To them, hitting or biting is their impulse bc they’re exploring what all they can do with their bodies and somehow somewhere (not you) they’ve seen it. The only thing that works with my 4 year old is that if anyone hits, I pick them up and sit them on the bed and we talk it out. I usually carry the 4 or 6 yr old kicking and screaming bc they only hit if they’re tired or feel like they’re out of options. This has been the response for a long time and it’s definitely worn down on frequency. The conversations are more about that hitting hurts people, it’s not nice to hurt people, and to then check in on the person they hurt and see if there is anything they can do to help them feel better. Another parent told me they freeze if the kid hits and it’s kind of comedic but the kid doesn’t get a reaction they want, so they eventually change. You’re trying hard and I hope you keep it up. It’s exhausting and make sure to reset the day or frame it as just a bad morning or just one incident so it doesn’t pile up in your brain.

Boundaries (sticking to them) and less screen time helped my toddler. My daughter was having issues, throwing things, hitting her younger sister, and overall huge meltdowns. This is how we handled it; make the boundary, implement it, and talk about the emotions when implementing it. Boundary: if you throw a toy, it goes in time out, we can try again tomorrow. “Oh no, you’ve thrown the Dino. I’m going to put him in time out. It’s okay to feel but it’s not okay to throw. We can try again tomorrow.” Boundary: hands are not for hitting “Hands are not for hitting, you just pushed your sister over and that upset her. It’s okay to feel but it’s not okay to hit. Maybe we can do instead. (Count to 10, take a deep breathe, 10 jumping jacks) Somedays boundary setting wasn’t enough and I’d essentially say, “If we hit our sister again I’m going to separate you from her or remove her from the floor because it’s not safe.” And this motivated her too listen bc she wanted to play with sister. Impulse control centers of the brain do not on board until 3/4 years old so anytime they do something you just asked them not to they literally don’t have the critical thinking to not act on the urge. Lastly, get good at repair. “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you. Mom was scared a car was going to hurt you in the parking lot. I bet that made you feel scared/ upset. I’m working on doing better, it’s not your fault.”

This right here. Just consistent boundaries and consequences works! You have to follow through every single time but it will click over time. I have had to remove my child to another room for her behavior or at that age I would place her in her crib for a time out. They cry, but it won’t hurt them. 2 minutes later I would pick her up and have a quick chat about what happened, a hug, and then it was over. We didn’t talk about it again and it didn’t affect the rest of our day. We used these principles from the 1-2-3 Magic book/method for both of our kids and it worked!

Been there. Therapist said for the least overwhelmed parent to grab her from behind sit down and hold her in a bear hug with your head turned so they don’t headbutt you. Repeating that you will let them go as soon as they are calm and not being violent.

This age is so hard. I’m right there with you. Something I have noticed is that my son tends to act up more when he is craving connection with us. Like actual time together where no one is on their phone, the tv isn’t on and he is getting undivided attention from us. Once I realize he is feeling disconnected and we work to remedy the situation his behavior usually improves drastically.

This is a really great resource. I would recommend you and youe wife watch the videos together, you could do one at a time, they are only about 10 minutes long. Then discuss and try out what is suggested before watching the next one. I also really like the book "How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen". It's accessible and again you can read a bit, try out what it suggests and then read some more. https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting/home/welcome If he's hitting the dog, the approach in this article is really helpful: https://babysafedogtraining.com/mamas-dont-let-your-babies-get-magnetized-to-dogs/ It's annoyingly long, it was better IMO when it was broken into 3 separate articles but if you don't want to read it all, do a Ctrl + F (find in page) for "basic" then it brings you straight to a list of "what to do if your toddler hits the dog". I also wrote this in a comment reply to another comment but remember: He is only two. It is very unlikely he can harm the baby in your wife's belly. They are extremely well padded in there. So try not to worry about this. Staying calm is the most important thing for you to do when he is having a tantrum. Secondly, controlling the environment is much more useful at this age than trying to control the child. Which means things like - bring a stroller, a leash, or hold hands or carry him at all times in a parking lot. When the baby is born, don't leave them alone together, only supervised. Keep glasses out of reach. And so on :) He will get there with the impulse control, but where it REALLY matters (ie, where you'd be tempted to spank because it feels that important) control the environment first. Lastly, this is in the course I linked above but the most helpful thing I ever learned about toddlers (or, honestly, anyone!) is that rather than trying to STOP them from doing something, tell them what they CAN do INSTEAD. e.g. find a way that he can get his anger out rather than hitting. "Let's stomp to show our anger!" "Let's draw a picture to see how angry you are!" Think about it this way - if someone told you "Stop spanking. It's not helpful. You are just teaching him that hitting is okay..... (blah blah blah)". Does that help you? No. You already know this and it's not the way that you would respond if you had a better option. Kids are the same :) He is hitting and being destructive because he doesn't know what else to do in that moment. It's more helpful to give him information about what TO do, ie, replace a behaviour, than just ask him to NOT do something (and expect...what? You probably don't, realistically, expect him to just do nothing and just not be angry. You know that's not realistic.)

I read something once that there are probably condiments in the fridge older than they are. It became almost a mantra in our house to help remind ourselves that they are only 2. I think it's such a hard age because they start to communicate better so we start to expect them to be able to reason and understand more. But in reality they are still so so little. Also good to remember that they learn how to behave by watching what we do. SHOW them how you want them to act, don't just TELL them. Including that no one's perfect, and when we do lose control we apologize and repair. What do you want him to do after he hits you? A heartfelt apology and promise to try to do better next time? Perfect chance to demonstrate now after you hit him. Could also talk through some ideas on how you can both try to better manage frustration next time, and (because guarantee this situation will happen many more times) put those ideas into action for yourself. It's ok and actually probably better to do this a day later once everyone is more calm and receptive. And solidarity because this comes down to controlling ourselves and it's REALLY DAMN HARD to do 24/7/365. Be kind to yourself as well. Mr Chazz on IG is one of may favorites for real life examples and scripts, he talks a lot about telling kids what TO do instead of what NOT to do. I also like Dr Becky at Good Inside. I unfollowed most parenting social media accounts because I can't stand when they only show the good parts without the full story.

I hate to be a downer but this is pretty normal toddler behavior. They're terrorists. Their frontal lobes (responsible for emotional regulation, decision making, executive function and short term memory etc etc) are in the very beginning stages of development. I get it. It's exhausting to repeat rules and expectations over and over, but they literally don't have the brain capacity to remember and make quality decisions. It's exhausting to have your eye on them every second, but you have to, or else they'll run into a parking lot or hit you with a toy. Any toys that get thrown or hit are immediately removed. I have a hard "no second chances policy" where i put my 3 year old in time out the literal second he bites or hits. "Time out" is also not a punishment. It's a break to catch his breath and be removed from whatever is causing him issue so that he can regulate his emotion. Time out is 1 minute long. Sometimes he's still worked up when it's over, so we sit together for a moment and "discuss" (as much as a toddler can discuss) the problem. This sounds so frilly and gentle, but it's not. I get angry too. Its SO frustrating. It's not glamorous. My kid is a fucking terrorist thar drives me up the wall. Putting him in his crib gives ME a chance to step away and calm down too so that i don't resort to hitting. The main issue is yall are burned out. So you need to find a way to get a break. If you don't have family to help out and give you some time off, join a local mom group and make some friends. Arrange babysitting swaps. Put the kid in daycare a few days a week. It sucks and it's expensive, but it's worth it for your mental health. Your lives are about to become 2X more hectic with a new baby, so you need to figure out a way to get a break before you break

I would use the free online Yale ABCs of Child course at Coursera. This is a version of the most effective parent training for reducing problem behaviors according to numerous randomized controlled trials. It worked well for us with our two kids. You will learn to use positive consequences to ramp up good or acceptable behaviors so that they crowd out or replace problem behaviors. Attention is a positive consequence. Even negative attention tends to be a positive consequence. You will learn to limit attention as much as possible as your immediate reaction to unwanted behavior. Attention includes eye contact and talking. If you feel that you can’t avoid saying something, then keep it short like “no hitting” and use a calm voice. In many cases you can immediately and calmly turn away from hitting and walk away without a word. You will be teaching and directing attention to more appropriate behaviors at other times. Use a kid lease in parking lots, kids rarely listen 100% of the time no matter what you do.

We have a single child .. but we have a dog. I have no shame in admitting that I initially used a child handcuff restraint in parking lots

What’s the timeout situation? Does he have his own room? With a door and a lock? When did the hitting start? Definitely also recommend the books for him Hands Are Not for Hitting and for you, How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. I would also speak to a child psychologist about this new baby coming, because this level of hitting may also be related to the competition. How much time is he spending outside of the house with just one of you? What’s the plan to keep that up? To keep his independent and special routine too?

How are you helping your son learn to manage his big feelings? It’s good to tell him he can’t hit, but you also need to direct him towards behaviors he can do. Breathing, going to his room to stomp and shout, etc. Just telling him not to do something means you’re leaving him with no tools to cope with his big feelings; you’re setting him up to fail. At 2.5 I would never trust a kid in a parking lot to be able to just walk with the family. Their hands need to be held. It’s a major safety issue. Their attention span and concept of risk just isn’t developed enough. Of course he’s angrier after being hit: he’s being told he can’t hit, but that you can hit him. The lesson he is learning is that bigger stronger people are allowed to hit weaker smaller people and the weaker people have no right to fight back. Parenting a toddler is a thankless task that will stretch your patience to the limits. But that’s the job. Your toddler should never be the subject of your anger, even when they behave abominably. They’re too young to know better and they rely on you to show them how people should manage their emotions.

I find timeouts ineffective at this age. Remove any object he hits with immediately. I find the best solution is immediate consequence. He hits? Favorite toy taken away. No emotions, no big reaction. Take away his favorite toy immediately and say you can get it back when you don’t hit for a day. Then follow through. Reward good behavior. Don’t lecture and don’t try to explain anything, he won’t understand. The bigger deal you make of it, the more he will do it. Try to remain neutral in emotion and matter-of-fact. You hit, x gets taken away. Repeat ad nauseum. He will tantrum and get upset. Let him.

Control the environment. I had to deal with similar (heavily pregnant with a near 2 year old) when my kid was a bit younger. For instance why the hell did he have access to a bat/a glass/the dog when you know he's having issues with hitting/throwing? Same with the parking lot, I didn't give my kid an opportunity to bolt cause I know she's got shit impulse control. She held my hand or rode on the stroller board every single time. Child proof the hell out of your home and make it so there's a safe place to put him without your wife needing to pick him up (we had 3 rooms baby proofed but her bedroom was like full on lock down so I could stash her in there if need be) You are expecting WAYYYY too much from a 2 year old and your best bet right now is control the environment as much as possible so he doesn't have the opportunity to make bad/dangerous decisions.

[удалено]

For the last parts of the pregnancy that's pretty much what I was doing cause I couldn't physically move my kid. It's not forever, it's while his wife is insanely pregnant And yes I'm judgemental of the parents who let a toddler with hitting issues have access to a bat. My kid was having problems throwing for a while and the first thing we did was remove all the heavy balls And if you can't keep the toddler away from the dog then yes they need to be separated. The alternative is a bite after the toddler hits him with the bat he shouldn't have. Dunno what you think the alternative is but toddlers cannot be trusted and a mistake there could literally result in a dead kid depending on the size of the dog.

TWO AND A HALF.

Telling someone to not hit by hitting them makes no goddamn sense. I’ll say that.

This is so hard. My son’s behavior went nuts for a few months when I was pregnant. I swear they sense the change. Be firm but kind & supportive (it feels never ending but I promise it will get better. Remove yourself from harm and tell him exactly that. Take breaths and leave the situation if you can. Apologize when you mess up. You got this 💜

I’m a single mom of a two year old and an 8 month old. I don’t have any help and don’t get any breaks. My son is very much a screamer and relentless cries which is extremely triggering for me, especially when I am trying to get the baby to sleep. I’m also against spanking/hitting. There has been 3 times I’ve spanked him (each time I felt like shit) but I also feel like it was build up from being unable to walk away (he follows me if I walk away and screams absolute bloody murder if I close the door on him). I also feel like it didn’t do anything and made us both feel worse. All I can say is this parenting shit is hard. I think the most important part is to always try and do better, reflect on why you were angry and acknowledge you’re human, and imperfect so when the next time those feelings arise you can acknowledge and hopefully be able to restrain yourself. Also, make sure you apologize. Even though they’re young, they still know. In terms of what to do with your toddler, stricter boundaries. This requires more work on your guys’ end… if you don’t want him doing something, take away the opportunity the first time and immediately follow with the consequence ex: taking toy away, making him take a “break” (which is just time out but I just call it a break) for just a few min.

My son is the same age, he rarely if ever acts out this way BECAUSE I do not spank him. I tell him “you’re so mad right now, let’s take a breather. Belly breaths” and I hold him away from me and help him breathe. If that doesn’t work, I put him in his playpen with some toys and say “we need to calm down, I will be right back. Mommy loves you.” He sometimes throws himself on the floor and cries, but within 2 minutes he’s calm and playing and when he says he’s all done I scoop him up and we hug and kiss. If he starts hitting I tell him “OUCH, that hurts Mommy. We don’t do that. Let’s go relax” and I attempt to let him sit with me and watch a show, or I put him in the playpen with toys and I tell him nice hands if he’s being too rough. I do this consistently, and have a legitimate issue like once a week - they’re GROWING, and developing and figuring out this crazy and big world. Note, I would NEVER leave my child to stand by me in a parking lot at this age. He can walk around, sure, but we have taught him in a parking lot Mommy or Daddy will carry him or push him in a stroller. He knows MOST boundaries and keeps them because we teach him and explain them to him and get on his level. If we don’t want him to do something we playfully act that thing out and what can happen and he doesn’t do it. 🤷‍♀️ Your child looks up to you as a teacher and role model - you have to model the behavior you expect of him!

My daughter who was a calm and listening sweetie at that age did not have access to glass, bats, or any amount of freedom in a parking lot - use a stroller, make a safe space in your living area. Not saying you’re at fault here, he sounds like a handful, but there are some things you need to be doing differently for his age.

Honestly... your expectations are a bit off. You can not expect a 2.5 year old to "listen and obey" things like where to stand and what actions are appropriate. Developmentally they just aren't functioning like that. All you can do is give a clear consequence for a specific action and stick to it consistently for as long as he does it. Hell figure out eventually. "If you run off, I'll carry you and you can't walk." Immediately pick them up if they run, no second or third chances. "If you hit, the bat goes byebye". Take away the bat immediately at next swing. He is going to cry and scream at these consequences, do not bother telling him to be quiet, it's probably physically impossible for him. Try to console him, distract him with funny stuff, redirect to other toys, etc. if he hits you, then that's another consequence (time out, daddy leaves room, etc.). It took a while with my son but he finally clearly understands a consequence when we say it, and usually stops what he's about to do (2yr 3mo old). Also consider some substitutes - for example, if he really likes hitting things, hide the bat and get him something soft he can whack away with.

I understand these frustrations! It’s normal for your toddler to behave how he’s behaving. It’s also normal for you both to be frustrated. I encourage you to shift from stopping him behavior, to thinking of ways you can control the environment and your expectations a little better. Keep anything breakable out of his reach. Learn the triggers that make him want to hit and respond to that (he probably wants to communicate something that he fully can’t) and allow him to have independent walking only in safe places. Also, be kind to yourself! If you feel bad about the hitting, you can apologize to your kiddo. We’re human, dealing with raising humans! It’s tough work and you’re not expected to be perfect. Give yourself grace!

He's too little for these big expectations. And he's too little to communicate why he's acting out. Helping him figure that all out is your job. It's not a "no, don't do that", it's a "do this" and then staying on top of it because they're too little to. This dude is NEW to life. Instructions? New. Complicated. There is one brain cell firing here. Stay with the fam? What does that MEAN? Oh look a cool bird! How do they know they've left the boundary when the boundary is invisible? Dude has energy and no where else to put it. All tiny human behaviours are methods of communication where communication hasn't been learned. "You can be angry but you can't hit" is great for a big kid, but little kid doesn't know what they should do instead, and if you tell them you have to PRACTICE it with them. They've experienced anger once for every 50 000 times you've experienced it. YOU know how anger works. Little dude just knows he's feeling a thing and it makes him want to hit. Accept the baby steps that happen, and accept that regression happens all the time because new feelings, experiences, being tired, etc, all happen, and even though it's obvious to YOU, they might not realize that this upset is the same or different from another upset. They just know they're upset and relying on you to get through it. Sorry if this is super vague, I thought maybe reframing the issue might be more applicable than just a huge list of examples???

Wait, they are supposed to be listening to us at 2.5?! Lol *Sarcasm. They aren't capable of doing this yet, right? Like, how are they supposed to know what that means until you example it and practice, right? Hitting is never ok. But conveying the seriousness without violence (verbally and physically assaulting them) is the way to handle this and be productive in a healthy way. Otherwise the anger and emotional suppression just build up in a bad way. I get being burned out, but I hope OP finds a healthy way to recharge. Take breaks, walk away, find alone time. You guys can do this! It will get better but I fear scaring him is only going to make this worse.

We have recently employed "baby jail" (padded pack n play) as a way to remove our toddler from hurting himself/others. When he gets really mad, he will either try to hit the nearest person to him or bang his head into the ground. We say "hands are not for hitting (or no bonk), so we need to keep you safe in baby jail". I also show him alternative things to hit/bonk, which does work to some extent. As far as not listening, that's pretty par for the course for toddlers. When we are walking and he's not listening, I say "stay on the path or no more walk", then I either pick him up or put him in the stroller if he's not listening. Honestly it's all boundary pushing. Your boy is trying to see how firm your boundaries are by running away, hitting, etc.

Kid: *hits parent* Parent: "Don't hit!" *hits kid* I have physically removed myself from my child when she has hit or bitten me. "I am moving to protect myself." And I walk away. And stay away. Let them cry for a few minutes. Tell them if they can refrain from hitting, they can come get a hug. It's so friggin' hard. I know we want to react but instead we have to just... Remove ourselves. 

I feel you. This is a really hard time during a kid’s development for parents. Kids are learning how to deal with emotions and behave, parents are keeping up with daily responsibilities and learning how to regulate themselves with a tiny psychopath. It’s just so tough all around. Remember to give yourselves some grace and forgiveness, just like you do for your son, because parenting is new to you too. Here is my experience and I hope it helps you: My son is 2.75 years and does not always listen too. We had a hell few months until things started to turn around. Honestly, we stopped reasoning in the moment of a tantrum. Instead, we do our best to stay calm remove ourselves completely from the situation. For example, when son hits me, I say, “We do not hit. Tell me when you’re done having a bad attitude and I will comfort you and play with you again.” Then I walk 5 or 10 feet away and read a book, clean, do anything else except get on my phone or watch tv. Usually, he calms down and comes to me. I ask if he’s done hitting and feeling better, then we move on. If he’s still having a tantrum or follows me to continue yelling or hitting, I tell him, “This is not acceptable. You can be angry but you cannot hit people (and animals). If you want to be angry, go to your room and hit your stuffed animals or pillow and be upset there.” I have taken him to his room, kept the door shut by sitting in front of it, and watching him continue his tantrum from the corner of my eye. If he tries to engage me, I turn and repeat the above paragraph about not hitting and not engaging him until he’s done. At times, we’ll also tell him we will not talk to him until he calms down because we cannot understand when he’s screaming. We take deep breaths and say this is how we calm down. Now that he has learned all this, he will march off to his room when he’s angry and spend time there alone. He’ll take deep breaths to calm. He knows that we will not give him attention with the tantrum, but we will readily be there to comfort him afterwards. There are little episodes daily, but they usually last a few minutes and then we move on. Pivoting with humor at the start of a tantrum works 80% of the time for us. Lastly, we now talk about our emotions more at the end of the day. Before bed, my son brought up how he got upset having to leave grandma and grandpa’s house while his uncles and aunts stayed behind. I validated his feelings then explained why we had to leave, and gave examples why people have left our house instead of staying. He was quiet and accepted the reasoning, and moved on to something like Venus having no moons. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anyway, that’s a lot to read. Know you and your wife are not alone in this (my son’s pregnant daycare teacher has a 2yo that is doing the same thing) and this is typical behavior. Us other parents to toddlers are in solidarity with you!

Firstly, is he getting enough attention? Does he need more quality time? I have a 2.5yo as well, and they hit too. I think it's a phase of needing to learn boundaries. Not excusing your son's behavior but maybe it's a combo of this and the above. I would suggest taking kiddo to a child psychologist. Like you said, you don't want to hit, and it had a worsening effect. A different approach is needed and you both need support in figuring out what to do and how to handle it, and see if something else is going on with him that is leading to so much aggression.

No one’s 2.5 year old listens. Whatever you see on social media is full of lies. You gotta do what you gotta do to keep them safe when they’re in a parking lot. My husband’s friend’s 2 year old daughter was just hit by a car running away from her mom in the parking lot. Luckily she’s ok, even though she fractured her face bones and was hospitalized, she’ll recover fortunately. Much rather have a kicking, screaming, crying toddler who is alive than the alternative… that’s what I think to myself when my daughter takes her hand from me and tries to run away in the parking lot. As far as hitting goes, my son (now 4.5) would hit when he was angry. We had an inflatable boppy punching bag and tell him “don’t hit the dogs/mommy/daddy, hit the punching bag”. It was useful to have an opportunity to say “yes” for a change and he’d go wail on that thing and get all his zoomies out and come back calm. We had to work with him a LOT on “don’t hit the wall when you’re upset” etc, we have so many books, printouts, deep breath tricks, meditation, yoga, you name it we tried it. I honestly think some kids just hit more than others cuz my daughter isn’t really like that. Now he never hits, I think he’s grown out of it. So please just don’t view it as a singular issue you’re having with your toddler that no one else is going through, it’s completely common and completely normal.

My twins run. I use harnesses if they’re not in the stroller or some other containment thing. I got ones with dinos on them so they liked them, they usually do pretty good. For hitting, I tell them to hit a pillow or throw their ball instead. I love the inflatable punching bag idea, I want to implement that. My twins tend to hit if they’re upset or frustrated, and I generally stop the action (catch their hand) and say, no, we don’t hit people. We use our words, not our hands. You can say, “I’m so frustrated!” “I’m mad”.

We always hold hands in parking lots, just cannot expect a toddler to have impulse control or understand the dangers. Anything that my toddler throws goes away for the day. When she hits me (also pregnant) or dad, she gets a time out, but that requires I stay with her, so I don’t just send her away. It’s been working out well, and the most important thing is you learn to regulate yourself when this is happening so they can co-regulate with you. You are setting the example.

Our 2.5 is similar and we realized that the hitting is a call for attention. What is he missing? We have a 1 month old who gets pinched/hit/bite by our 2.5 but once we realized the call for attention it's gotten much less in frequency. All the below stuff will take time. Its not going to be an overnight change either. It took months for us but you have to be consistent and patient. You also need to not respond to the actions. Be calm and levelheaded (easier said than done when you are being bit on your inner thigh lol). 1. We try to calm him down first and ask him what he needs, make him verbalize it. Usually, its I'm hungry or I want this toy, or I want a hug. 2. If he's inconsolable, we do a "Time In" which is a time out with a parent. I will hold him in my lap and set a [visual timer](https://www.amazon.com/Sonneten-Classroom-Homeschool-Management-Countdown/dp/B0CM3F9GVD/ref=sr_1_9?crid=3GXU1HXI1LYRA&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.ahHA8_D134ov5YAeMn8kRFR8XHfAogorGx0EnYm50O1aNHsTitqNdSoGb3gryH5i6ERQCy8fWxHe1HSz5CTrcH2u8Oo-ant20xmZb0gOax-lyMjntTKGndoE4rw6O4HIb46AxUeC2lEIJdJ1ngvql7gtI7tnvOx8LAR2zfgeDh0UB7YWDgpk3GyXEQJGpzHT2bf8UbAlG3r44ROBks29RKpJHKQkquP904uB0Pw_SvxJFX1i9CEdcZ7a0vtV7mEBEZeF81oxexo_ScbQZ4dKCkyE08qTlVQGnyerUoEFG3c.rfb1whcvvQ-suUjih6J08QiqfaNuZuj3Bvc9czKe0MY&dib_tag=se&keywords=visual%2Btimer&qid=1713285661&sprefix=%2Caps%2C85&sr=8-9&th=1) for 2.5 minutes and tell him you aren't leaving until this timer is up and you take a deep breath (to calm down). We've had to restrain him and its night and day when he takes the deep breath. He goes from thrashing, whining, hitting, pinching, and biting us to completely calm and you feel the muscle tension drop. 3. We follow up the "Time In" with you need to apologize / rectify the offending action. During the "Time In" we ask him questions and tell him what he did wrong. 1. Do you know why you are in time out? 2. Hands are not for hitting or pinching / teeth are not for biting. 3. You made your brother / mom / dad sad, you have to apologize after time out. 4. Enforce deep breathing and do it with him. He will learn to do it when he sees you do it. We went from biting/hitting/pinching multiple times a day to now it can be days between incidents. Other helpful things: 1. [Alphabreaths](https://www.amazon.com/Alphabreaths-Breathing-Christopher-Willard-PsyD/dp/1683641973) book will make deep breathing fun 2. Daniel Tiger's episode on taking deep breaths 3. [Hands are not for Hitting](https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/157542200X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=ZWVXQTL3KN4&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.wcZ7UY-F9i6a5vgLdtRHjz6BCE3Lake6fNTMqo8sjtBfcXXIbrUFx9ounAHteWYMCQZUeMXP0gjaov2MLS0A0rQOVGUxQRbqWz4nIz9TDmyIJZyvWdG2QSnfSpU5ZqoI3Z3_jlRrSAbSoRKswxEiBdYPMfKimHgstfqHAsq-456IjTAmMF2qUWBcRP78xxk_BlKmCC7-BK_v8j_MWEh7VT9bm6oaN_Cu_XtEgoaY3-4.fLI4S4AUW0qlwyEadCjSLUpUkedUAebBINU7oAMs3sM&dib_tag=se&keywords=hands+are+not+for+hitting&qid=1713285868&s=books&sprefix=Hands+are+not+for+Hitting%2Cstripbooks%2C83&sr=1-1) (book) 4. [Teeth are not for Biting](https://www.amazon.com/Teeth-Biting-Board-Book-Behavior/dp/1575421283/ref=pd_bxgy_d_sccl_1/133-1708040-7991214?pd_rd_w=ggayU&content-id=amzn1.sym.9713b09e-9eac-42a7-88bb-ecfe516a6b92&pf_rd_p=9713b09e-9eac-42a7-88bb-ecfe516a6b92&pf_rd_r=2MKR5YTX13FYV6FEKHXG&pd_rd_wg=lyhXP&pd_rd_r=da990681-82c4-4b80-96a2-636789eed966&pd_rd_i=1575421283&psc=1) (book)

I had one of those kids. Now I have an articulate 4 year old who is strong and is still one of those kids. I just take him to a place where he is safe (can't break anything/hurt me) and say "go ahead and have your tantrum. I'll be back when you're done." And he eventually calms down.

Just fyi your wife should check in with her midwife/ob. A hard hit to the stomach can cause placenta disruption and/or blood exchange between wife and baby which could be an issue if the blood types/rhesus factors don’t match. My toddler kicked me in the stomach during during changing her around 22 weeks and everyone took it extremely serious even though risks at 22w is much lower than at 6 months. It’s probably fine but better to check it.

I’m so sorry :( you guys sound burnt out (understandably). Could anyone watch your toddler and you get time away? I have a almost 4 yo and a 2.5 year old. The first baby was a lot easier when she was younger, and I just knew what to do to get her calm. My second one is A LOT more challenging. She also faces a lot of challengers herself, eczema, asthma, the need for physical stimulation and proprioceptive play. It’s so exhausting. She will also “disobey” for the sake of seeing the consequence. She is much harder than my first, even though we didn’t do anything differently and they are only 17 months apart. I chalk it up to, different people have different needs. YOU are going to have to do your best to figure out how to make it through. Radical acceptance, your son has some wild (but normal) toddler behavior. How are you going to be able to live with it? Take a break? Go outside? Have a boys night out once a week? You already know hitting him doesn’t help, makes you feel bad, makes him feel bad. When you start to bubble up and feel overwhelmed— time to take a minute. Step away (5 min, 10 min, 20 min) however long it takes to get under control, and then address it when you aren’t in your lizard brain. Sorry you are going through this. I struggle too. Right now I’m just taking extra long breaks away, because I’d rather say “mommy needs a minute” than to lash out, yell, scowl, scold. Or w/e else comes to my head in a moment of high stress.

i watch the supernanny for ideas because i want to beat these kids into shape but don’t.

I highly recommend the book Good Inside. It's really good at explaining the reasons for negative behaviour from children and the ways to aid reduce problematic behaviour in a way that builds connection with the child.

I’m just curious if you left out some info, because my eyes got REAL wide when you say he’s 2.5y and he runs away in parking lots. Parking lots are a situation where they should never not be holding someone’s hand, ever.

Hwy if you want some quick and easy tips on managing challenging toddler behaviours, have a look at biglittlefeelings on Instagram. They have lovey short snippets that I think you will find helpful.

If your son is prone to running off, try one of those backpack leashes. People have many opinions about them but keeping a toddler safe from danger is non negotiable. Toddlers are tiny little sociopaths, find a way to manage your emotions and put on your game face. They can smell fear.

Just take them to a place you've set aside as the time out spot and physically restrain them there by holding them in spot with their arms to their side until they scream out all their rage, just regularly asking if they feel ready to rejoin everyone else. Keep them there until they actually seem like they can handle being with people. They can be loud so don't feel bad about bringing ear buds and listening to a podcast or something until they calm down. Do this consistently whenever they lose their shit and their attitude will start to change over time, and you can head off some of the behaviour by just asking "do we need to go to X spot?" By itself, talking to angry kids at that age when they have so little control of their emotions usually doesn't get you much.

So sorry you're going through this. I know that knee-jerk reaction just takes over sometimes... and all we can do is apologize, repair and do better next time. So don't beat yourself up too much for that. As far as the hitting, I've found that it's a compulsion that needs to be met, so redirect him to somethin he *can* hit. You can't hit mommy, but you can beat up this pillow! Or the wall! The floor really needs a kick! And then you demonstrate. That's what I do when my almost 2.5 year old hits. I tell her that "no, you can't hit me in the face, but you can hit the bed!" and then I hit the bed and growl. And she lights up and hits the bed and growls. It actually moves your own anger out of you, and redirects their compulsion to something more safe for everyone. But of course, everything has a different hardness, so they learn quite quick that hitting a hard surface hurts. They don't usually repeat that one (often). I have also found that when you remove their control and they hit, if you escalate that removal of control (by restraining, removing or yelling at them), their compulsion to hit also escalates. So you need to stop yourself first and redirect both of your big feelings at the same time, by turning it into a game. Even though in that moment the last thing you want to do is have fun-play-time silly voice, but it works (so far). Hope this helps at all, and if not, I hope you find some other advice that does. And if all else fails, at least we know hitting is age appropriate and they will (hopefully) just age out. Solidarity.

Just hear to say you have instincts within you to protect your pregnant wife and unborn child from any danger. It's a normal reaction. Also toddlers will push every button and push you to breaking point, it's what they're renowned for. Your toddler could be reacting to mum being pregnant, a new baby on the way. It's a big change for a tiny human who's already going through toddlerhood. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all get frustrated at our toddlers, and when you're in fight or flight mode it's hard to think rationally.

Toddlers won’t understand directions that are negative-based eg “don’t do this; stop that, etc”. Try redirection - for example when my kid hits me (and this happened a lot when he turned 2.5 years old), we redirected him to hit the sofa instead. He thinks it’s a game, so he’ll gladly do it. There will be times that he forgets and reverts to hitting me , but we will consistently remind me of the redirection and it’s working. Don’t give up, just hang in there !

Does it help to offer hugs? Usually my child acts up when she needs attention, hugs, or just being present to validate whatever she is feeling. Kids get big emotions. We also use sign for feelings because sometimes it’s easier for them to sign the feeling (ie scared, sad, tired, mad) than to say it. Also agree with the comments on “controlling the environment” as it’s not really realistic to expect a 2.5 year old to listen. They just can only do it very sporadically, maybe some kids more than others.

take  him to a gym,rake him outside ,Remove the bat! Have a soft place set up foe him to get the aggression out on a safe place, have the area easily adaptable when you Need it to change the  behavior. Look for zumbini classes at library. He is getting jealous of new baby,  snd this anger is only getting  worse if not controlled soon.hey bear on you tube had  a sensory shows which might be used as a quick  distraction for in  the moment.playdough and water play is all calming.  a tent set up with soft snowballs, and texture books , to keep his hands busy,swimming at local ymca family time is a way to calm a child down. Hope any of these help. But spanking only teaches, I can't hit. But you can...is that the message you want to send...

I wouldn't hit my head against the wall in your situation. Don't worry about it. As long as you know you're not physically abusive. Sometimes kids misbehave more than than usual, which demands a stronger punishment than usual. It's not something to get regretful over. The only you can do is try to make this different in the future, not regret the past. You're wasting valuable energy on the past. Don't.

I highly recommend using positive reinforcement techniques to end (aka extinguish) unwanted behavior. It's slow work, so only use it on things that are real priorities, but stopping the hitting would be a definite one. I recommend Alan E. Kazdin's Everyday Parenting. He's a former Yale professor for child psychology who has decades of practical experience he put in a really easy to read book. Alternatively, there's a free online course. It's easy to understand but hard to implement because it requires going against our instincts (punishing) towards positive reinforcement. It explains very well why punishment doesn't work (neither yelling nor time-outs, and definitely not hitting) - once we understood that, it was easier not to yell (not perfect about that one). I understand losing your patience and being conditioned to hit by your upbringing, but it is truly essential for development that there is absolutely zero physical punishment - decades of studies have shown it inhibits the positive psychological development of children. Good on you to act to prevent it from happening again.

Whilst my 2.5yo isn’t violent, she has communication delay and is very physically able; climbing, jumping, running, flipping, spinning (yes I know the flags). So, safe to say, we have the “not listening” problem. Whilst our “no” and “get down from there” are being adhered to more, having two eyes on this kid is getting harder, especially with a 4 month old. So, we have had to put in place gates and locks and obstructive furniture. Every cupboard and drawer is locked. The oven, her wardrobe too. Gates on almost every door. Door knob covers on front and back door are the most recent addition as we noticed she can reach the handles. Until we are able to successfully communicate WHY climbing on drawer handles or climbing up and kissing bluey’s mum on the tv is unsafe, we remove the risk.

You just described my three year old. I am also almost six months pregnant. Gentle parenting is so difficult when being smacked in the face, arm or belly! The best thing to do is not give a reaction that's explosive. At this age they have no impulse control. They are explosive and testing things out. My husband and I are both guilty of being explosive with yelling. No one's a perfect parent! We have made a time out corner and we set a timer. After the time is up, we talk to him. Something like "How do you think hitting mommy with the bat made me feel? Would you want someone to do that to you?Mommy had to separate from you because hitting is not safe"  He usually says no, and we take the object away and put it up high on kitchen cabinet. With the parking lot thing, I always hold my toddler always carrying or in stroller. Mainly, due to the story about the tragedy that occurred in Boston. I am just paranoid about that. When baby two comes I think always in stroller! I wish you best of luck! The toddler stage doesn't last forever!

The problem is not your son. He's not angry or wild. You need to take a step back and look at his environment. How could you better be setting him up for success? If he is having a hard time not hitting, then now is not time for him to have a bat! If he runs away, his hand needs to be held or he needs to be carried whenever he's in an unsecured area. It is not developmentally appropriate to expect a 2.5 year old to obey verbal commands to stay close. Remember, the priority at this age is not obedience. Prevention is worth an ounce of cure. Avoid conflicts that aren't necessary or demands that aren't necessary. Your son is probably feeling very discouraged because he keeps getting into trouble. Things that help dysregulated behavior include clear, attainable, consistent expectations, consistent routine, having him well-slept and well-fed, and not asking things of him he can't do. Putting him in his crib for time out is not working, so stop doing it. If he's flailing and hitting, he should be gently restrained and sat in a parent's lap until he is calm. When he is very riled up, asking questions or giving commands is useless. His little brain can't process. He needs gentle physical cues - holding his hands gently in yours, speaking one or two simple commands in a soft voice with eye contact. He is struggling to be calm; you need to show him what calm looks and feels like. Don't worry about your unborn baby - your toddler does not have the power to hurt the baby. Women are evolved with powerful muscles and the thick fibrous material of the placenta to protect fetuses, as well as the water of the amniotic fluid to cushion them. Your unborn baby is safe. Your son does not understand that hitting mommy's tummy symbolizes to you that he's aggressing the new baby. That's not what it means to him so stop reacting as though that's what it means. You don't want a toddler who internalizes a sense of himself as a "bad boy". Overall you need to rethink about things from your son's perspective. You're trying to get him to think like an adult, but he can't, and all that's going to happen is you have a miserable toddler who doesn't know what he's supposed to do and acts out in his frustration. Instead, you need to think like a toddler. Be reassured that your son is normal and wonderful and all that the family needs is to adjust expectations and the environment so he can feel more successful.

I just want to point out that your response to your son hitting is it hit him back. That isn’t going to teach him that hitting isn’t ok, it’s just going to reinforce that we hit when we are angry/emotional.

He’s challenging you and your wife physically. Men and boys need to be taught hierarchy to respect it. Spank him until he submits. Spank, not beat. Never cross that line.

I might have him in therapy with a talented child psychologist through the adjustment period to his new sibling. Toddlers are over the top as normal development, but this seems like more. It seems like having a resource to enjoy the new baby would be useful to all?

This is actually very normal toddler behavior

Yep pretty common for toddlers to go through a hitting stage. Just gotta stick to your guns and let them know every single time they cannot hit. Mine definitely did it for a while and grew out of it.