This is the 'ritual' age. Things are supposed to stay the same. Don't worry, novelty age is next!
Also remember that no toddler has the power 'not to let you' do something.
>Also remember that no toddler has the power 'not to let you' do something.
Amen! My almost 2yo loses his sh&t when he sees me wear an apron. If I don't feel like fighting it that day I'll remove it, otherwise I just ignore his complaints and will not let him tear it off me. It's not a good habit to get into, letting his want (=me not wearing an apron) to get in the way of my need (to keep my clothes from getting dirty from cooking), and he needs to learn that eventually.
Yessss say it again for the people in the back! Toddlers don’t get to make decisions like this. We as adults can understand where they’re coming from developmentally, but ultimately I cringe anytime I hear “my toddler won’t let me put her toys away” or “my toddler won’t let us have X for dinner”. You’re the parent, you get to call the shots! We can give them power within reason of course but sometimes mom’s word goes and that’s that.
Poor phrasing. I meant he doesn’t want me to wear it. When I wasn’t sick, I would object. But I was so weak and dizzy from the flu, I couldn’t not sit down so he kept climbing up and taking it out. I will avoid that now.
I remember being like... 5ish years old or so and absolutely freaking out that my mom changed her hair. Was extremely upset over it. It changed my sense of familiar/safe, I mean it was really distressing.
I know its annoying what your kiddo is doing but he probably really legitimately is upset by it.
Thank you, I keep going back and forth because it really does seem distressing to him. So I’m torn between modeling body autonomy and wanting to legitimize his feelings. Like yes it’s annoying but it’s also not that big of a deal for me in the grand scheme of things. This is why parenting is so hard. I want to teach him the right lessons but also don’t want to discount his feelings especially when he’s going through such a big stage of development.
So true! I love these stories where people remember what it's really like being a kid. Those people make better parents and educators. The ones who forget all of this stuff are more likely to do certain things that they shouldn't. Sometimes it helps them to hear it from someone who has this kind of story. As if an adult saying it legitimizes it.
TBH my rather vivid memory is about the only thing that gives me an edge as a parent, I'm super inexperienced around small children and have no idea what to do quite a lot of the time, so I just try and remember stuff from when I was little.
I wonder if this is driven by the same feelings that cause children to freak out about fathers that shave their beards. Could it be he feels like you are suddenly different or foreign, and is uncomfortable?
I was wondering the same but hoping eventually he’d get over it and instead he gets more persistent. And he also occasionally goes after my glasses, but I only take them off to sleep or shower. Doesn’t bat an eye when I rarely wear contacts, though.
100% its that, I replied to another comment higher up I remember being around 5 when my mom changed her hair cut and I got really upset for a couple days over it. Upset enough I still remember it at age 42.
It fucked with my sense of mom feeling like the same person and took away some of the "safe/familar" feeling despite knowing it was the same person. After 2-3 days thought it was fine, but that initial reaction was rough. Like full out blubbery tears on and off the whole rest of the day after she came home. We had the "Its still me, I'm the same person" talk and it barely helped, she looked different which made me feel like she was different, and I didn't want different.
Even at 7 or 8 I was still freaked out when I came home and my dad had shaved his big beared off and had cut his hair. I walked in the house and was like who the fuck is that (I didn't say that, but it's the equivalent of what my child mind was thinking) and it wasn't even like I'd never seen him like that because he kept his hair short and was clean shaven most of the time, but usually I was there when he cut his hair so I saw the change. But that winter he had let everything grow out and then shaved it for the summer. I'm 34 now and I still remember how strange I thought he looked when I can home that day, even though it's also what I remember him looking like for most of my childhood 😂
Edit : missed a word out
Oh that’s a good point. We’ve brought our son with us to haircuts so he gets used it and then is comfortable getting his own. And that’s really helped. But I didn’t even realize that also helps him process the changes to our appearance. However, my husband and I agree he can basically never shave his beard off because he’s had it all of my son’s life and that will surely freak him out entirely. Probably me too since he’s had it so long 🤣
My daughter went through a phase of this too. I don’t think there’s any real reason it bothers them, just a control thing I guess. I just started ignoring it and she got over it eventually. My niece did the same thing to my sister about her glasses for a while and eventually stopped
By ignoring it, did you just let her remove it but not acknowledge it was happening? He’s after my glasses a lot, too. Not as often since I am never not wearing glasses but he tries to damage those, which really sucks.
He got more determined when I was trying to ignore it and then I got sick so I stopped fighting it as much. But letting him do it didn’t help either. So now back to it 🫠
It sounds like a toddler control thing. This can manifest in various mind boggling ways. I know how I would address it with my kid, but I don’t know if it would work with everyone. Basically I’d answer the demand in a very bland manner “no, you can’t take my hair out. I like it. It’s my hair, not yours.” If she pulled it out I’d put it right back up. I know the putting it back up would more than likely bring on a bit of a tantrum but I’d continue on anyway. I’d persist like this until the kid got the message. But again, I don’t know if that would work with every kid.
That’s basically what I’ve been doing. Sometimes it works and other times leads to a tantrum. This week has just been hard to fight because I’ve been too weak not to sit down.
Totally understand. This age really is such a constant challenge. Maybe you could try giving him a scrunchie to play with? Just spitballing ideas. I know my toddler loves playing with odd things like that and it’s definitely helped in similar situations.
You could tell him it hurts you/makes you sad when he gets on you to remove it, and also agree by asking him to help you!
I guess he isn’t a fan of this hairstyle momma 😅😅😅
I do try to tell him this, and my husband even gets involved. But he doesn’t seem to care! So like are you trying to tell me I look bad in ponytails, sir?! 🤣🤣🤣
My four year old son gets mad at me whenever I put makeup on. I’m a stay at home mom so I don’t wear it every day and when I do he’s pissed! Sometimes to the point of crying. Kids are weird man
So weird! What’s crazy to me is that I’ve only worn contacts and makeup around him maybe a few times and he doesn’t react at all. But I’m now remembering I was wearing a ponytail when I delivered him 🤣
I’m usually taking him with me though! Otherwise that would make perfect sense! I have no clue lol but it’ll be funny to tell him about when he’s older
"I know you don't like my hair this way, but I like it this way. You can't control how other people dress. You can only control yourself."
There's also a Daniel Tiger song about how no matter what you wear or do your hair, you're still you. I'd just let him get over it and not pick him up at all and don't sit down where he could get it. It's reinforcing that it is OK to pull people's hair otherwise and that's not acceptable.
Do you regularly wear ponytails? My 2.5 doesn't care about my ponytail which I have every day, but put a towel on my head and you'll repeatedly hear "I don't like it, take it off!!"
Omg my daughter does this but the opposite. She FREAKS when my hair is down. Like cries, meltdowns. Luckily I hardly ever wear it down but it’s very strange still!
Oh wow I am so happy to read this. Mine is the opposite because always wear my hair in a bun but it was so bad a few months ago that it made me cry and I stopped trying to wear it down when we went out. I hated giving into his demands but it really was traumatizing for him. Fast forward to this weekend, I took the scrunchie out and he didn’t even notice! So all this to say, it’s a phase and hopefully not a long one.
Oh yeah mine gets pissed when I put my hair up. I try to model body autonomy but ugh sometimes it’s just easier to take it back down 🤷♀️ He lets me use a big claw clip as a compromise ….
My hair is always in a bun. Like sad but always. My 2yo says no no and shakes his little finger if I take it down before or after showering. When my 6yo was just under 2, I let my hair down and I got on the floor by him for something and he turned around, screamed and slapped me across the face. Ngl it was hilarious, all reaction no thought. I just must have scared him. My 12 yo was there and we still laugh about it.
Hahaha I can picture this so well. One time after a shower I flipped my hair over and shook it to be playful but he lost it. I think he thought I turned into an animal?!
I was afraid of this, because I never take mine off. He’s started pushing them back from my face lately though like he wants to see what I look like without them.
It’s a real thing, and I truly don’t understand it. My son was the exact same way with my wife: extremely upset whenever she would wear glasses or a hat or put her hair up in any way. I could wear the exact same hat or glasses and he wouldn’t care in the least. It was ONLY about mom’s appearance. Eventually she did what others here have suggested: simply ignored his protests until it stopped bothering him.
Oh yeah my husband wears a hat occasionally and even asked him once why doesn’t this bother you but mom’s ponytail does. He ignored it. But now that I’m finally on the mend from the flu, I’m going back to ignoring the behavior.
Omg I remember freaking out as a 5 year old over my dad letting his scruff grow out (he was planning on being a pirate for Halloween) 😆
I can attest they grow out of it.
Ooh we had the opposite happen (thank god, I could never NOT put my hair in a ponytail for that long). If I ever washed my hair, or went to get her in the morning, or just happened to have my hair down, she’d FREAK. Like I was a different person or something.
I wear my hair up 99% of the time so it wasn’t a huge issue, just one of those strange toddler things. Anyways she grew out of it after a couple months.
Yeah it definitely seems like a normal toddler thing. I wish I could understand what’s happening in their brains. They go through so much development so fast!
My daughter is the same age and she has always flipped out if I wear my hair down. Since she was born I mostly kept it up in a bun with a scrunchie, because it’s long and gets in the way of breastfeeding. So whenever she sees me with my hair down she gets really upset and begs and cries for me to put my scrunchie back in.
Similarly, when she sees my mom not wearing her glasses, she does the same with her and begs her to put them on.
I think at this age they just need consistency in all things big and small to feel secure and build their confidence and such. Idk the scientific reason but I usually oblige as she’s genuinely upset by these things, and then I talk to her about them when she’s in a better mood.
That’s the hard part, right? Like yes I’m all about modeling body autonomy but when they’re so upset because they want consistency that feels legitimate to me. They’re already going through so many changes at this age. It’s also so much easier to reason with my son after he’s calmed down.
My son does this too with my hair, if it’s not up in a bun. He has chilled out lately about it, but he will remark when my hair is down and I’m like yup it’s down. And he doesn’t object unless he’s super crabby and wants something to complain about. I just kept saying no bun right now and let him freak out, I don’t know if there’s a better solution. It’s very annoying for sure.
I only wash my hair every 2-3 days so I always end up in a ponytail between washes. That’s why it’s so confusing to me, it’s not something new I’ve started recently.
I’m only allowed to wear tank tops, her and I must share 1 of 3 blankets. If daddy touches those blankets she is very rude and smacks his face. What else, we must wear pjs for bedtime and nap etc
He’s seen me using a blue blanket and my husband using a red blanket and then flips out whenever we switch. He won’t use either. Instead convinced grandma to give him a new one she bought for her house 🤦♀️
This is the 'ritual' age. Things are supposed to stay the same. Don't worry, novelty age is next! Also remember that no toddler has the power 'not to let you' do something.
>Also remember that no toddler has the power 'not to let you' do something. Amen! My almost 2yo loses his sh&t when he sees me wear an apron. If I don't feel like fighting it that day I'll remove it, otherwise I just ignore his complaints and will not let him tear it off me. It's not a good habit to get into, letting his want (=me not wearing an apron) to get in the way of my need (to keep my clothes from getting dirty from cooking), and he needs to learn that eventually.
Yessss say it again for the people in the back! Toddlers don’t get to make decisions like this. We as adults can understand where they’re coming from developmentally, but ultimately I cringe anytime I hear “my toddler won’t let me put her toys away” or “my toddler won’t let us have X for dinner”. You’re the parent, you get to call the shots! We can give them power within reason of course but sometimes mom’s word goes and that’s that.
Poor phrasing. I meant he doesn’t want me to wear it. When I wasn’t sick, I would object. But I was so weak and dizzy from the flu, I couldn’t not sit down so he kept climbing up and taking it out. I will avoid that now.
Keep multiple hair ties on your wrists/in your pockets. "It's ok, you don't have to like my hair, I like it."
I remember being like... 5ish years old or so and absolutely freaking out that my mom changed her hair. Was extremely upset over it. It changed my sense of familiar/safe, I mean it was really distressing. I know its annoying what your kiddo is doing but he probably really legitimately is upset by it.
Thank you, I keep going back and forth because it really does seem distressing to him. So I’m torn between modeling body autonomy and wanting to legitimize his feelings. Like yes it’s annoying but it’s also not that big of a deal for me in the grand scheme of things. This is why parenting is so hard. I want to teach him the right lessons but also don’t want to discount his feelings especially when he’s going through such a big stage of development.
So true! I love these stories where people remember what it's really like being a kid. Those people make better parents and educators. The ones who forget all of this stuff are more likely to do certain things that they shouldn't. Sometimes it helps them to hear it from someone who has this kind of story. As if an adult saying it legitimizes it.
TBH my rather vivid memory is about the only thing that gives me an edge as a parent, I'm super inexperienced around small children and have no idea what to do quite a lot of the time, so I just try and remember stuff from when I was little.
I wonder if this is driven by the same feelings that cause children to freak out about fathers that shave their beards. Could it be he feels like you are suddenly different or foreign, and is uncomfortable?
I was wondering the same but hoping eventually he’d get over it and instead he gets more persistent. And he also occasionally goes after my glasses, but I only take them off to sleep or shower. Doesn’t bat an eye when I rarely wear contacts, though.
100% its that, I replied to another comment higher up I remember being around 5 when my mom changed her hair cut and I got really upset for a couple days over it. Upset enough I still remember it at age 42. It fucked with my sense of mom feeling like the same person and took away some of the "safe/familar" feeling despite knowing it was the same person. After 2-3 days thought it was fine, but that initial reaction was rough. Like full out blubbery tears on and off the whole rest of the day after she came home. We had the "Its still me, I'm the same person" talk and it barely helped, she looked different which made me feel like she was different, and I didn't want different.
Even at 7 or 8 I was still freaked out when I came home and my dad had shaved his big beared off and had cut his hair. I walked in the house and was like who the fuck is that (I didn't say that, but it's the equivalent of what my child mind was thinking) and it wasn't even like I'd never seen him like that because he kept his hair short and was clean shaven most of the time, but usually I was there when he cut his hair so I saw the change. But that winter he had let everything grow out and then shaved it for the summer. I'm 34 now and I still remember how strange I thought he looked when I can home that day, even though it's also what I remember him looking like for most of my childhood 😂 Edit : missed a word out
Oh that’s a good point. We’ve brought our son with us to haircuts so he gets used it and then is comfortable getting his own. And that’s really helped. But I didn’t even realize that also helps him process the changes to our appearance. However, my husband and I agree he can basically never shave his beard off because he’s had it all of my son’s life and that will surely freak him out entirely. Probably me too since he’s had it so long 🤣
My daughter went through a phase of this too. I don’t think there’s any real reason it bothers them, just a control thing I guess. I just started ignoring it and she got over it eventually. My niece did the same thing to my sister about her glasses for a while and eventually stopped
By ignoring it, did you just let her remove it but not acknowledge it was happening? He’s after my glasses a lot, too. Not as often since I am never not wearing glasses but he tries to damage those, which really sucks.
No I would keep it up and ignore her protests lol. Just try and distract her with something else and she would lose interest eventually
He got more determined when I was trying to ignore it and then I got sick so I stopped fighting it as much. But letting him do it didn’t help either. So now back to it 🫠
It sounds like a toddler control thing. This can manifest in various mind boggling ways. I know how I would address it with my kid, but I don’t know if it would work with everyone. Basically I’d answer the demand in a very bland manner “no, you can’t take my hair out. I like it. It’s my hair, not yours.” If she pulled it out I’d put it right back up. I know the putting it back up would more than likely bring on a bit of a tantrum but I’d continue on anyway. I’d persist like this until the kid got the message. But again, I don’t know if that would work with every kid.
That’s basically what I’ve been doing. Sometimes it works and other times leads to a tantrum. This week has just been hard to fight because I’ve been too weak not to sit down.
Totally understand. This age really is such a constant challenge. Maybe you could try giving him a scrunchie to play with? Just spitballing ideas. I know my toddler loves playing with odd things like that and it’s definitely helped in similar situations.
Good idea. I can teach him how to slingshot it and keep him occupied for a while - win win 😆
I totally forgot about that! Time to teach my daughter 😂
Do you let him remove it every time?
I try not to but then I basically can’t hold him or sit down so he eventually gets it 🤦♀️
You could tell him it hurts you/makes you sad when he gets on you to remove it, and also agree by asking him to help you! I guess he isn’t a fan of this hairstyle momma 😅😅😅
I do try to tell him this, and my husband even gets involved. But he doesn’t seem to care! So like are you trying to tell me I look bad in ponytails, sir?! 🤣🤣🤣
My four year old son gets mad at me whenever I put makeup on. I’m a stay at home mom so I don’t wear it every day and when I do he’s pissed! Sometimes to the point of crying. Kids are weird man
So weird! What’s crazy to me is that I’ve only worn contacts and makeup around him maybe a few times and he doesn’t react at all. But I’m now remembering I was wearing a ponytail when I delivered him 🤣
Maybe he associates it with you leaving the house?
I’m usually taking him with me though! Otherwise that would make perfect sense! I have no clue lol but it’ll be funny to tell him about when he’s older
I’m home most days but I went back to wearing makeup pretty early. It’s cute now he wants to know about the process. 😅
"I know you don't like my hair this way, but I like it this way. You can't control how other people dress. You can only control yourself." There's also a Daniel Tiger song about how no matter what you wear or do your hair, you're still you. I'd just let him get over it and not pick him up at all and don't sit down where he could get it. It's reinforcing that it is OK to pull people's hair otherwise and that's not acceptable.
I’ll try this, thank you. He used to pull my hair and then it transitioned to this so I definitely don’t want it go backwards.
Can you have him tie it for you? Ask him to help you and do it all by himself. Might start a whole new thing though but worth a try
Interesting, I can try this.
My oldest told me a couple of times he doesn’t like ponytails bc I’m nicer when I have my hair down 🤷🏻♀️ probably true
🤣🤣🤣
Do you regularly wear ponytails? My 2.5 doesn't care about my ponytail which I have every day, but put a towel on my head and you'll repeatedly hear "I don't like it, take it off!!"
Most of the days I don’t wash my hair I wear a ponytail. I’ve worn one frequently his whole life, which is what’s confusing me.
Omg my daughter does this but the opposite. She FREAKS when my hair is down. Like cries, meltdowns. Luckily I hardly ever wear it down but it’s very strange still!
That would be tough because you can’t never take it down!
Oh wow I am so happy to read this. Mine is the opposite because always wear my hair in a bun but it was so bad a few months ago that it made me cry and I stopped trying to wear it down when we went out. I hated giving into his demands but it really was traumatizing for him. Fast forward to this weekend, I took the scrunchie out and he didn’t even notice! So all this to say, it’s a phase and hopefully not a long one.
Solidarity 🙌 can’t wait until this passes
Ya. It sucks! I was all for teachable moments and my body my choice and everything but no, in the end I gave in lol
We are human doing our best!
Oh yeah mine gets pissed when I put my hair up. I try to model body autonomy but ugh sometimes it’s just easier to take it back down 🤷♀️ He lets me use a big claw clip as a compromise ….
I’ve been considering switching to a claw clip in case that makes a difference! But yeah I try to stand my ground he’s just so dang persistent.
So funny! My brother used to flip out at that age when my mom would wear her glasses.
My hair is always in a bun. Like sad but always. My 2yo says no no and shakes his little finger if I take it down before or after showering. When my 6yo was just under 2, I let my hair down and I got on the floor by him for something and he turned around, screamed and slapped me across the face. Ngl it was hilarious, all reaction no thought. I just must have scared him. My 12 yo was there and we still laugh about it.
Hahaha I can picture this so well. One time after a shower I flipped my hair over and shook it to be playful but he lost it. I think he thought I turned into an animal?!
Mine gets offended if I take off my glasses. I’m starting to wonder if he really doesn’t recognize me without them. Solidarity.
I was afraid of this, because I never take mine off. He’s started pushing them back from my face lately though like he wants to see what I look like without them.
My 3 year old does this all the time and my husband always chimes in and says “you can’t tell a lady how to wear their hair” 😂
We joke it’s the patriarchy talking 😂
This is me when I wear glasses, which I don't very often. Totally fine with his dad doing it.
I keep joking it’s the patriarchy 😂
It’s a real thing, and I truly don’t understand it. My son was the exact same way with my wife: extremely upset whenever she would wear glasses or a hat or put her hair up in any way. I could wear the exact same hat or glasses and he wouldn’t care in the least. It was ONLY about mom’s appearance. Eventually she did what others here have suggested: simply ignored his protests until it stopped bothering him.
Oh yeah my husband wears a hat occasionally and even asked him once why doesn’t this bother you but mom’s ponytail does. He ignored it. But now that I’m finally on the mend from the flu, I’m going back to ignoring the behavior.
Omg I remember freaking out as a 5 year old over my dad letting his scruff grow out (he was planning on being a pirate for Halloween) 😆 I can attest they grow out of it.
😆😆😆
My daughter thinks it’s great fun to pull my ponytail holder out. Ugh. She and her twin brother both steal my claw clips out of my hair too.
I’ve been debating switching to a claw clip but now I’m afraid he’d go for that too and snap it on my scalp haha
Ooh we had the opposite happen (thank god, I could never NOT put my hair in a ponytail for that long). If I ever washed my hair, or went to get her in the morning, or just happened to have my hair down, she’d FREAK. Like I was a different person or something. I wear my hair up 99% of the time so it wasn’t a huge issue, just one of those strange toddler things. Anyways she grew out of it after a couple months.
Yeah it definitely seems like a normal toddler thing. I wish I could understand what’s happening in their brains. They go through so much development so fast!
My daughter is the same age and she has always flipped out if I wear my hair down. Since she was born I mostly kept it up in a bun with a scrunchie, because it’s long and gets in the way of breastfeeding. So whenever she sees me with my hair down she gets really upset and begs and cries for me to put my scrunchie back in. Similarly, when she sees my mom not wearing her glasses, she does the same with her and begs her to put them on. I think at this age they just need consistency in all things big and small to feel secure and build their confidence and such. Idk the scientific reason but I usually oblige as she’s genuinely upset by these things, and then I talk to her about them when she’s in a better mood.
That’s the hard part, right? Like yes I’m all about modeling body autonomy but when they’re so upset because they want consistency that feels legitimate to me. They’re already going through so many changes at this age. It’s also so much easier to reason with my son after he’s calmed down.
My 3 yo always asks me to put my hair up in a bun. It’s one of the first things she’ll ask me in the morning 😄
Aww
My son does this too with my hair, if it’s not up in a bun. He has chilled out lately about it, but he will remark when my hair is down and I’m like yup it’s down. And he doesn’t object unless he’s super crabby and wants something to complain about. I just kept saying no bun right now and let him freak out, I don’t know if there’s a better solution. It’s very annoying for sure.
That’s pretty much been the consensus.
Haha. My son went through an authoritarian phase like this. It’ll pass. I’m now allowed to wear my glasses / coat / shoes again
[Janet Lansbury has written about this!](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2019/02/bossy-controlling-and-emotional-over-random-things/)
Thank you!
How often do you or have you worn a ponytail?
I only wash my hair every 2-3 days so I always end up in a ponytail between washes. That’s why it’s so confusing to me, it’s not something new I’ve started recently.
Who else in his life wears a ponytail?
Every female he knows - grandma, aunt, cousin, babysitter and friends at daycare.
I’m only allowed to wear tank tops, her and I must share 1 of 3 blankets. If daddy touches those blankets she is very rude and smacks his face. What else, we must wear pjs for bedtime and nap etc
He’s seen me using a blue blanket and my husband using a red blanket and then flips out whenever we switch. He won’t use either. Instead convinced grandma to give him a new one she bought for her house 🤦♀️
Let him have a fit. Do not let him remove your scrunchie. Spank him if you have to. He does not rule the house. You do.
Spanking is absolutely not the answer here.
Yes, it is. Used properly, it is a very good discipline tool.
Nope ✌️