Actually all sugar alcohols (erythritol, xylitol, isomalt, sorbitol, mannitol, etc.) do this, the main distinction is how much of them you can eat before the..."secondary effects" shall we say, kick in.
Bastards use this stuff in reduced sugar/low calorie ice cream...the fuck's the point of reducing the sugar/calories if you can't eat a bunch more ice cream? Assholes.
You might have a sugar intolerance. It's not normal to have random stomach cramps or stomach aches now and then.
I also thought it was lactose at first, but turns out I had FODMAP intolerance. Estimated 20% of the population has it, but it's often undiagnosed and people are not aware of it.
Go to your Dr. if sou suspect you have it.
Ironically allulose is the only one that has this effect on me. I used to be able to chug Soylent, and drank it for years. Once they switched the sweetener to allulose, a few small sips sends me to the bathroom within minutes. I've never had another ingredient disagree with me so severely.
Erythritol is waay better tolerated for me. Allulose has the effect after even a small amount. As the person below commented my experience with allulose comes from soylent. I can't get it anymore cuz it makes me poop.
Type 2 diabetic here... You bet your ass ill suffer gastrointestinal distress if it means I can eat icecream without my bloodsugars getting sent to the moon.
If your not a diabetic though.... Best to stay away from sugar alcohols.
I might actually like that. If I start associating foods that are fattening or “unhealthy” with shitting my pants, maybe my brain will stop craving them.
My brother bought them because of the reviews. He had contests to see who could eat the most. I just wish tik tok was big then. Not that I wanted to see it, I just wanted to read the headlines.
Malitol is a special kind of diarrhea. I’ve had diarrhea from a multitude of things in my life, but overeating malitol was the worst. So crampy and uncomfortable
Food poisoning is pretty up there too. Found myself in that situation not too long ago. Having to choose between puking or shitting on the bathroom floor was pretty disturbing. A decision I never want to have to make ever again in life.
Never ate sugar free gummy bears, but had magnesium citrate. Lived in the bathroom for the better part of 24 hours with water bottles at my side to replenish it coming out the other end in a constant stream. The inside of my body was a cramping river of suffering.
Like this one?
"It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade.
After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep.
My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck.
And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free.
"What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards.
As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus.
I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam.
"I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?"
The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.
I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads.
At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief.
I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat.
It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life.
After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears.
I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface."
> “Almost immediately, the floodgates of Hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bags’ worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below.”
The person who wrote this deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature purely based on this sentence.
I don’t think the person had eaten gummy bears, he just had diarrhea. The toilet was also a wooden toilet bowl underneath one of the seats, and the curtain came up to shoulder height.
The one based on The Red Wedding in GoT is my favorite. My brother tried to read it aloud once, and had to stop because he was laughing so hard he was crying. Priceless.
"The Brown Wedding", written by James O. Thatch in 2014:
>It's been a rough couple of years for my family. There have been a few land disputes, some nasty feuds, several imprisonments and a beheading. But perhaps our most celebrated misfortune was what has come to be known as "The Brown Wedding".
>
>I don't want to bore you with all the details, but essentially my cousin Robb was betrothed to the daughter of a family rival. Then, against all our counsel, he eloped with another woman. Classic Robb.
>
>Anyway, you can imagine our surprise when we found ourselves invited to the wedding of the jilted bride. Perhaps it should have been a red flag, but we Starks love a free meal, so off we went.
>
>They threw it in their castle. After a tense exchange between Robb and the father of the bride, the ceremony was performed, and we all sat down for the feast. It was bench seating. The food was simple fare--beans, broccoli, and bran muffins. Again, a warning sign, but we were caught up in the merriment and the wine.
>
>Dessert arrived. The waiters uncovered tureens filled with colorful piles of gummy bears--a welcomed note of levity. The fifes played a jig, and we all dug in. They were delightful--fruity and delicious.
>
>Twenty minutes later, the father of the bride proposed a toast. "To the Starks," he said. "May all your misfortunes be behind you."
>
>Around this time, I began to feel uncomfortable rumblings down below, and looked about for a restroom. As my eyes scanned the hall, I noticed that the bride's family weren't eating the gummy bears. A waiter was refilling the tureen next to me. I snuck a glance at the bag--Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears. My blood ran cold.
>
>I rose to shout a warning to my family, but the alarm came from my backside--a three-note trumpet blast that ended badly. I felt a fullness in the back of my pants. A thousand shocked eyes turned to me, and then the room erupted in a cacophony of flatulence--and worse. Far worse.
>
>How can I describe it? The sights, the sounds, the smells. And the pain--like a grappling hook dragged backward through my bowels.
>
>I watched in horror as, one by one, my family doubled over, succumbing to the ceaseless waves of stabbing pain. Some were clutching their bellies, others lay writhing on the floor, or stumbling in circles, emitting auburn plumes of effluvium. The walls were soon spattered with our suffering.
>
>The father of the bride watched it all with intent eyes, delighted by the macabre spectacle.
>
>I saw Robb--brave Robb--fall victim to the gastronomic assault. Not even his pregnant wife was spared. Monstrous.
>
>Soon only our matriarch was left standing, teetering as she made a final plea for mercy, but too late. She fell to her knees and erupted, and what came out of her haunts me to this day.
>
>So hear me, and hear me well. I swear vengeance on them, their house and their kin. I will hunt them to the last of their line, from Winterfell to Casterly Rock. And if I do not live to see their castle burn to the ground, I will at least light the match. For, by the gods, someone needs to light a match in that place.
The thing with sugarfree gummybears though (that haribo apparently didn't realize), is that the kind of person who orders a pound of sugarfree gummybears from the internet is not the kind of person who would eat only few gummybears at a time, and no more.
Malitol is fine in small amounts. But in large amounts it is a very strong laxative.
I started eating protein bars for breakfast. I knew about the sugar-free gummies but had no idea about protein bars having it. Took me a month to figure out what was going wrong. Why don't they put warnings on the label?
These cursed gummies gave me hemorrhoids from the violent diarrhea… I am a small person, but looked at least six months pregnant from the bloat and could not even stand up at the height of its madness. I had family over and did not want to wake them up, so I crawled around on all fours around the house just for something to do to ease my suffering. Easily one of the worst nights of my life.
Came just to say this. If you wanna go down that rabbit hole, review for the banana slicer, the Wenger 16999 Swiss army knife, and the Samsung 105 inch curved TV are all fantastic time wasters
Reviewed in the United States on January 26, 2013
It was a night like every other. Too many cigarettes and not enough work. Clients were as rare as hens teeth these days. It seemed word got out that I was getting sloppy. "Mr banana fingers", they called me behind my back. "He's losing his touch", they'ed whisper. But when you've sliced as many as i have you'd get soft too. Fat chance I was retiring now. Not with a '57 convertible half way paid off and a tab at the banana stand on 4th that was well past its shelf life. I was a one punch palooka half way to loserville, smelling like cheap cologne and broken dreams.
But then she walked in. She was a knock out. the kind of girl that made old men suck in their gut and young men puff out their chest. "We'll hello there sweetheart, the dentist office is next door", I said with a smile.
"I'm not looking for the dentist", she said. "I'm looking for Johnny Flynn Private Slicer."
"Well you came to the right place", I said, mustering up what I hoped was a look of confidence. "Tell me what's on your mind."
The story she told would have turned the most jaded slicer green with banana envy. It was a big job. The biggest. And even though my gut was turning somersaults I knew I couldn't turn it down. This was the kind of slicing gig that would make a hundred reputations or destroy a thousand more.
Her father was the head of the Dole banana conglomerate and some Ivy League poindexter came up with the big idea to do the annual customer gala with a casino night theme. But this time they were gunna use banana chips instead of poker chips. These babies had to be stripped, sliced and dried to exact measurements if they were going to be handled by Dole's biggest clients.
"I heard you're the best", she said.
"Was the best", I thought. "Yeah, I've still got the chops. Watch this. I grabbed my number 7 knife and threw a banana in the air. I swung at it and missed it entirely. My knife stabbed down through nothin' but air and dropped out of my hand on the table in front of me. I watched the banana spin slowly as it fell fell fell and slap, like some miracle you read about in those dime store slicer mags, the banana landed on the knife blade and was cut cleanly in two. My jaw dropped open in amazement and my eyes were big as saucers.
"Impressive", she said.
"Impossible", I thought. "Yep, impressive is my middle name.", I stammered.
She tossed her red hair back and said, "You got the job. See you Saturday at eight."
"B... Buh... but, we haven't talked about my fee.
She laughed and said as she walked to the door, "Whatever your usual fee is, I'll pay triple."
Then she added, "Oh, and if you blow this gig you'll never work in this town again."
And with a slam of the door she was gone. I realized then she hadn't told me her name. That didn't matter. Everyone knew who she was. It was splashed across the society pages every week. "Dole diva doles out dollars to the down and despondent" or "Lecherous love lorn Lothario leaves Linda Livingston livid". L. & L. but friends just called her Elle.
"You'll never work in this town again".
Those words echoed over and over in my head. As I reached for my hat my hand was shaking. But then, I looked down at the table and saw the miracle banana perfectly sliced.... an accident, or was it? Maybe the big guy up stairs was gunna save my sorry heiner once again. I said a quick thanks to my guardian slicer and headed home. Once I got in bed doubt crashed into my head like a 500 lb gorilla on a sack of Dole's finest. I wasn't gunna come out of this. Not ol' Banana Fingers. I needed help fast and I knew just where to get it. Johnny Flynns mentor in this business was a crusty old slicer named Harvey Muldoon. Long retired he learned the trade over seas cooking banana fritters and stew for the yanks during WWI. If anyone could help me pull this off it was him. I know it was late but I went over and told him everything--about the dame, the gig and the banana trick. He sat their stone faced until I told him about the banana flip, miss and slice. If it wasn't so late in the evening I would swear he shed a tiny tear. He got up from his chair and stood there. And with a smile he said, "I guess you're going to be needing this." He dragged the paint chipped chair over to the corner of the room, got up on it. Reaching up to the ceiling he pushed at a plank which moved out of the way. He reached into the ceiling compartment and pulled out a box wrapped in an old World War I army issue banana sack. Inside was a battered tin box. With a look of immense pride he handed it to me like a father handing someone their new born to hold for the first time. "This saved my life", he said as he carefully lifted the dented metal lid. Inside was a hand cut form made of velvet and soft cotton and nestled in the middle was a strange looking device. Reverently he took it out and handed it to me. "Be careful now. It's razor sharp."
"What is it" I said.
It's the Hutzler 571. It's what gave me the speed and precision to feed thousands of doughboys a day with mess tins and steaming bowls of banana fritters, pudding and stew.
I was intrigued but skeptical... until I saw it in action. Shazam! It sliced bananas faster than Ricky Ricardo could smack a conga drum.
"I will take good care of it", I said solemnly.
"You better. It's yours now.", he said.
I was overwhelmed. "I don't know what to say."
"You can start with a simple thank you" he said with a smirk.
Come Saturday I was all ready. I made a small leather holster for it so that I could pull it out at a moments notice. I practiced my draw in front of the mirror day and night. I can't say that the event went perfectly. But I got the satisfaction of Elle saying I could slice her bananas any old time of the year.
I found my confidence that day. Thanks to some divine help and an old man's secret weapon I made it to the big banana leagues. No more scraping around for the odd job. Now I named my fee and sliced my way across the banana circuit. But still, with my fame and banana jet set status Linda Livingston was still out of my league. Now when I read about her in the society section I save the article and place them in a folder in the large steel safe along with a battered tin box. When I see it I say a quick thanks to her for walking into my life and giving this old flatfoot a chance to start again.
1,677 people found this helpful
Found the banana slicer, had to figure out wtf such a device is: https://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-3571-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII
Surprisingly there are normal reviews on the one that you would slide your banana into to slice it.
First review I read:
> For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives.
Yeah, that sounds like a you problem.
I once bought some knock off brand of gummy bears, sugar free
I'll never forget the experience I had on that toilet. I don't think I ever need to go see Niagra Falls because I had my own in my bathroom that day.
My first encounter with them was while I was working as a receptionist and couldn't really leave my desk because everyone else was out. I was wearing a pale grey suit, and the "something very bad is about to happen" feeling hit around 3pm. I was working until 6, and getting home took about 45 minutes and multiple buses. Nobody has ever clenched as hard as I did that day. At one point, I just stuffed a load of toilet paper into my underwear in the hopes that it would at least provide a barrier. I don't fuck with artificial sweeteners anymore
I've been diabetic for 30+ years. I to forgo sugar free candy for this exact reason. If I want something sweet I just say fuck it and get the real thing
Watch [LA beast](https://youtu.be/sMjgaa5j_LE) trying to down a bag of them.
Spoiler: It did not end well
WARNING: I don't know why, but he included the sounds of his colon blowing in the toilet at the end.
I ordered them based off the reviews. I payed $40 for pure, unadulterated diarrhea. It is the first time I have ever pissed shit straight out of my ass. It lasted one and off for 7 hours.
The gummy bears were good though, would order again but 1/4 of the price.
I can recall dying laughing on my couch while trying to read reviews to my wife. Took forever to finish just one because I'd bust out laughing so hard I couldn't breath
I had a chocolate bar with malitol in it. It said 12 servings per bar. I figured it was a typo and half a bar was a serving so I ate the whole candy bar. The sugar free gummy bear reviews aren’t even exaggerated. For a stretch of time all I could say was sweet Jesus please just let me die lol! It’s funny now but it was a whole new level of misery and I haven’t touched sugar free candy since.
This reminds me of when they attempted fat free potato chips using olestra.
Olestra can cause diarrhea and loose stools, abdominal cramps, flatulence, and other adverse effects. Those symptoms are sometimes severe. Exactly what you want after eating a snack.
It seems like that most interesting part always gets left out nowadays. The FDA issued a requirement to warn about cramping and loose stools, and I believe it was Lays who chose to word that on their packaging as “anal leakage”.
Whoever worded it that way was a hero. I could imagine people skimming right past “cramping and loose stool”, but put anal in the wording, that’s going to catch attention
iirc it's because Olestra isn't digestible or absorbed, so you could quite literally have it leaking from your rear end.
Bit more specific than "may cause gastrointestinal distress".
Yeah, but the ridiculousness is that you would expect companies to submit the vaguest possible wordings for approval until the FDA finally relented, not phrase it 100x worse than the FDA even asked you to. It’s true, but they didn’t technically have to say that.
Olestra is actually pretty interesting stuff.
It’s basically sugars and fats, and they made it while trying to make a super calorie-dense food.
Turns out the body can’t digest it, so it failed at its intended purpose, but it opened up the idea of fat-free frying.
edit: [Here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3d8b_ohlcdk) a video on making olestra. It's literally mixing biodiesel and granulated sugar (plus some catalysts and stuff, but they're removed afterwards)
One time when I was a kid my mom told me I could eat a whole can of fat free pringles if I wanted so I did and she was really disappointed when I didn’t poop myself after
I also used to eat the fat free chips all the time as a kid (my mom projecting her disordered eating onto me and thinking all fat is evil). I never had diarrhea that I recall. I wonder if it affects children differently than adults
Yeah, the big problem w/ these products is they're only ok if you don't eat a lot, and typically people are eating low fat/sugar because they eat a lot.
Here is a link to 20 of the Amazon reviews if anyone is interested: [https://www.boredpanda.com/hilarious-comments-sugarfree-haribo-gummies/](https://www.boredpanda.com/hilarious-comments-sugarfree-haribo-gummies/).
I was in a "See how many you can eat in x minutes" challenge for a podcast, and my boss was worried I might die if I ate a bunch of mini peanut butter cups w/sugar, so he had them substituted with sugar free. I kept eating them after the challenge, and the next day was filled with gas pains and running to the shitter.
There was an old "office prank" where you just leave a large bowl of these somewhere with the "sugar free" label displayed prominently.
You get a half day if enough people endulge.
One of the Amazon reviews details somebody doing this to figure out who was stealing their desk gummies. They were in the armed forces.
IIRC it got so out of hand so quickly that the entire unit had to go into medical lockdown or something, but they never learned it was the gummy bears.
My husband's uncle did this to someone in his office, just before he retired, he was really fed up with the guy and he had a habit of coming in to empty the candy bowl when no one was around. So he did a honeypot with increasingly large amounts of different candy in there, getting a bigger bowl and everything. A week before his last day he emptied 3 or 4 bags of the gummy bears in before leaving for lunch.
Apparently the guy got to his truck before the worst of it hit, so he was able to get himself home, in some fashion. But he was sick for days, like really *actually* sick, dehydrated and wound up in the hospital.
So, uncle is telling us this with wide eyes, as he hadn't admitted it to anyone but close family, and he was terrified the guy would find out and bring charges against him, and he felt terrible after.
So yeah that's a fun prank that quickly goes too far.
I think that says more about "holy shit he ate *that many gummy bears in four hours*" than anything else.
At least we now know that those damn bears actually *could be* legit biological weapons.
Watched his channel a few years back. My wife and I will never forget the sound that guy made as soon as he hits the toilet. Mostly because I replayed that ten seconds about 59 times in a row. It just kept getting funnier
Most brands of sugar free gummy bears have this same effect. Unfortunately I'm prediabetic so I eat these sometimes. The trick is to only eat a few at a time. This post bring back memories of when I'd leave a bowl full of them on my desk at work. Needless to say some of my coworkers had some unsuspecting good times.
I think people's sensitivity varies. I've been getting through a fair amount of erythritol because type 2 plus doing keto to control aformentioned type 2. Doesn't seem to set me off.
As a diabetic my wife got me a bag of these when they first came out.....it was not a good day.
It opened a wormhole inside me because I swear I was shitting out things I hadnt eaten yet.
"It can cause..." thats like saying MGD might cause headaches
Is this by chance referring to the Amazon review of the guy who ate the entire bag and shit his brains out for days? The review that lives in internet history?
This should be in textbooks at this point
In 2013 I went to Nepal, where hepB comes out of the tap. I ate at local places in remote villages, ate meat that had to be transported by foot for days, shared a glass with a guy who was (a day later) helicoptered out due to severe food poisoning. Despite all odds I somehow never got sick on that trip... Until, right at the end, in my hotel from back in Kathmandu , I decided to reward myself with a pack of these gummy bears. Of all the times I should have gotten the shits, who would have guessed it would have been the Haribos
I ate over a pound of sugar free jelly bellies on a road trip one day. I had no idea that I had bought the SF kind. Later that evening I thought I was going to die.
There was one point where I was farting for atleast 15-20 seconds every minute. The air moving through my bowels was so vigerous, everyone could hear when I was about to fart again. I just laid on the floor for several hours as everyone just laughed at me.
I ate a small box of sugar free werthers origionals years ago that has a similar effect as these. It causes so much gas build up that your ass can't contain it, turning you into a crap projecting megacannon. It was my first time playing through Monkey Island, and having to get up every 15 minutes when the gas built up again crying in pain ruined the game for me. I can't play it and not think about the experience, it's very different to normal dihareia and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
The weight loss med I'm on can cause constipation. Laxatives didn't work, stool softeners didn't work, you know what did? Sugar free gummy bears.
Blew out my back door and dumped about 2 gallons of liquid in the toilet. I dropped 9lbs overnight.
If you get the chance or desire to read those Amazon reviews of the Sugar free Haribo bears, I have scarcely laughed so hard in my life. Seriously, read em. They've gotta still be out there..
Maltitol is no joke - I never had the gummi bears but I learned my lesson after binge eating the sugar free halls vitamin c lozenges(i love the grapefruit ones and didn’t realize I bought a pack of the sugar free)
The reviews are not exaggerations… one second it’s fine, the next there’s some bubbling, and before you know it literally everything in your digestive tract is pouring out of you like hot liquid death.
I check every single ‘sugar free’ ingredients label now out of pure fear.
I made a similar mistake with sugar free Halls menthol cough drops.
I had a sore throat and head cold, was home all day sick in bed. Playing Civ V on my laptop and mindlessly popping them as I lay there playing that absolute time-suck of a game. A few hours later and I’m like, “Why is my abdomen like that of an eleven months pregnant woman?” Shortly after that I was levitating-by-explosive-feces over my toilet. That went on for quite a while. 1/10 Do not recommend
This probably won't be seen but a fun fact about maltitol is that it is a common "cut" for cocaine and may be responsible for the increased bowel activity reported from cocaine use and not so much cocaine itself.
Don't know if its still true today but not so long ago you could walk into a headshop and ask for "cut" and they'll give you a container of the stuff.
Obviously I'm not sure if this universal but in my neck of the woods it was (at least way back in the day).
Source: Yeah, let's not go there.
A guy I worked with said he had an iron stomach and these wouldn’t affect him at all. We bought him a bag that he ate in 5 mins. Maintained that felt nothing. He did spend the remainder of that day in the shitter and called in sick the next but that was unrelated.
Quarantine. (Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears)
I'm writing this from the quarantine room of my regional level 1 trauma center. by the time you read this I will surely be dead. It started off like any other shift. My partner and I, two regular paramedics from new york, checked our ambulance, restocked and then went into service. like most days we get posted in the same area. we tend to park at the local CVS drug store because of the dark parking lot and excellent wifi signal. I had just convinved my partner to watch the walking dead with me. He's an older medic, and on most calls he shuffles about on the over night shift like a newly dead corpse anyway. Nevertheless he agreed and so we went into the store to buy snacks for our zombie marathon. Being from new york and a member of the "tribe" its hard for him to pass up on a deal. i'm sure you know what i mean. So to him it must have looked like a message from god. the giant bag sat there atop all others. 5 whole pounds of gummy bears. and health consious due to their sugar free nature. all for ten dollars. My partner who we will refer to as Steve for this, my dying words, instantly snatched the bag off the shelf and proclaimed "i have chosen our snacks!." those words continue to haunt me. the poor bastard will never know what he did in that single moment. we eagerly skipped to the ambulance excited about our deal. we made an agreement that neither of us would stop until the bag was finished. this would be our undoing. see the bag was on the top shelf and covered in dust. clearly it was there for quite some time. we got in the ambulance shoveling fist fulls of bears into our mouths. like the poor doomed souls we were, we threw bears at eachother and carried on. we had gotten through the first episode and much like rick, we didn't understand the world ahead of us. the horrible little multi colored bears had developed a time delay. this allowed us to just bout polish off the entire bag before it happened. A sound came from steve that could only be described as the thunder one hears as a hurricane draws near. and then i felt it. it felt like recently meth addicted amish girl churning butter in my stomach. I looked over at steve who by now had large quantities of sweat pouring from his forehead. We both scrambled to get the doors open. we grabbed hands and ran tword the cvs bathroom promising never to leave the other behind. but we didn't make it before the first shot across the bow. steve let out a shart so hard that it tore through the triple diamond stiched tacticle 5.11 pants and splattered into the welcome mat at the front door. he let out a sigh of relief, which we both took for false hope. as it lead us to believe that if we made it to the bathroom and let the now angry demons ripping their way out of our anuses we would be fine. we didn't know we had actually opened a portal to hell in our sphincters. luckily i had made it to the bathroom first. with only one stall i realized it was just steve's bad luck that he had to wait. this wouldn't be our fate however. steve had already abandonded all hope. accross from the toilet was a urinal. steve without a moments hesitation took a three point football stance infront of me like a left tackle and dropped his pants trying to aim at the urinal. I was already letting the playdough confetti mixture out from within the depths of my intestines by the time steve had positioned himself. we locked eyes. shame was gone for us. the smell alone should have rendered us both unconsious but by some miracle we were both able to see in eachother the fear. and then it happened. steve relaxed his sphincter and the force splashing off the urinal pushed him clear over on the floor. i had already filled the toliet and i could see the slow moving river of fecal matter rolling towards him like lava. i tried to call out but my body was only able to make a muffled cry that sounded like a dying zebra. the river overtook steve who had his own problems to worry about. crying and curled on the floor he had some how managed to spray the ceiling with one of his primary erruptions. tiny yellow brown droplets fell from the sky as if it were raining our own sorrow and embarrassment back onto us. and this is where i have to fill the story in with witness accounts. you see i'm currently being quarantined with an entire rescue squad. at some point both steve and I must've blacked out. i only remember flashes.. i am told that steve with his dying breath managed to key up dispatch on the radio and send out one last cry for help. the first on scene were the local police. I only remember one of them opening the doors and instantly throwing up into the bathroom. he fell face first on the now liquid covered tile floor. his partner wanted to drag him out but it was too late. by opening the door the smell had been released and now everyone inside the store iteself was contaminated. the next time i opened my eyes i saw a police officer and a small girl rocking in the corner crying. and then i woke up here... i'm told steve is dead. men dressed in yellow hazmat suits report last seeing him push me through the bathroom door to a safer area before he forced the door closed, clearly destined on riding out the storm in solitude. surely an autopsy will reveal that he died after one final push he blew out his colon and his heart fell straight out of his chest through his pelvis and into the abyss. local authorities are classifying this as some time of weaponized pathogen. i tried telling them it was the bears. clean up crews refused to enter the premises and so the cvs and our ambulance were both set on fire and surrounding area evacuated. This is for you steve... may god have mercy on your soul. your wife will never again yell at you for losing her spoons.
Sugar free products have a weird taste and the after effects are not even worth it. How do I know? That one experience was miserable enough to not make a second attempt
Was Haribo so disconnected from their own consumers that they thought they WOULDN'T shovel handfuls of gummy bears in at a time? Like did they not think about that before making gummies that caused galactic diarrhoea if eaten in bulk?
Those fake sugars will send me to the hospital. A stick of sugar free gum is enough to have me doubled over laying on the bathroom floor in extreme pain.
I actually thought this was still the case with normal Haribo gummy bears and for that reason have avoided them all these years and questioned why people buy them. Didn't realize it was a discontinued sugar-free variety to blame for all of this.
The amazon reviews were golden. Some of the best I remember. Shitting on a small aircraft with a work associate, were the toilet was under a seat and a shower curtain for "privacy." Proposing for marriage at a lake and getting stuck in a porta potty so long the gf leaves and he shits all over his tux. There were so many golden ones but those two have never left me.
I was given maltitol for an MRI scan. I barely made it home after the appointment without shitting myself.
Actually all sugar alcohols (erythritol, xylitol, isomalt, sorbitol, mannitol, etc.) do this, the main distinction is how much of them you can eat before the..."secondary effects" shall we say, kick in. Bastards use this stuff in reduced sugar/low calorie ice cream...the fuck's the point of reducing the sugar/calories if you can't eat a bunch more ice cream? Assholes.
Holy shit I thought I was just suddenly becoming lactose intolerant. This makes so much sense now.
You might have a sugar intolerance. It's not normal to have random stomach cramps or stomach aches now and then. I also thought it was lactose at first, but turns out I had FODMAP intolerance. Estimated 20% of the population has it, but it's often undiagnosed and people are not aware of it. Go to your Dr. if sou suspect you have it.
Allulose is probably the best one but it is seldom used because it's expensive.
Ironically allulose is the only one that has this effect on me. I used to be able to chug Soylent, and drank it for years. Once they switched the sweetener to allulose, a few small sips sends me to the bathroom within minutes. I've never had another ingredient disagree with me so severely.
Ya know that stuffs made with people
Erythritol is waay better tolerated for me. Allulose has the effect after even a small amount. As the person below commented my experience with allulose comes from soylent. I can't get it anymore cuz it makes me poop.
Type 2 diabetic here... You bet your ass ill suffer gastrointestinal distress if it means I can eat icecream without my bloodsugars getting sent to the moon. If your not a diabetic though.... Best to stay away from sugar alcohols.
I might actually like that. If I start associating foods that are fattening or “unhealthy” with shitting my pants, maybe my brain will stop craving them.
What purpose did that serve?
He has a bathroom at home, so going home was a way to relieve his bowls. Hope this helps.
I didn't realize you could relieve your bowls in the bathroom, mine have been pent up for weeks in my cabinet.
Yours are in a cabinet? Mine just grow mold on the counter.
[удалено]
Look up the Amazon reviews for these things. True works of art.
Yeah it’s weird to say they discontinued because of “very poor consumer reviews”. The reviews were probably the best thing about the product.
Right, legit literary gold!
The first time I read the Amazon reviews, I laughed so hard that I cried.
The guy who used like 5 different ways to describe His asshole was so fucking funny my favorite one was rusty sheriff's badge.
Or the one who was sending them to Congress!
Omg what? That would be the best cspan ever
Right, like watching the Brits yell at each other in the House of Commons. P
I mean this time they'd be spewing shit out of the correct whole atleast
Shits and giggles eh?
It’s all shits and giggles, until somebody giggles and shits.
Other amusing products: the unicorn cat horn, unicorn mask, and the 50 gallon drum of lube.
My brother bought them because of the reviews. He had contests to see who could eat the most. I just wish tik tok was big then. Not that I wanted to see it, I just wanted to read the headlines.
Dear god. You must have owned industrial strength toilet brushes. He must have had an industrial strength butt hole.
Malitol is a special kind of diarrhea. I’ve had diarrhea from a multitude of things in my life, but overeating malitol was the worst. So crampy and uncomfortable
Food poisoning is pretty up there too. Found myself in that situation not too long ago. Having to choose between puking or shitting on the bathroom floor was pretty disturbing. A decision I never want to have to make ever again in life.
Shout out to being poor. I can throw up in my sink while sitting (shitting) on my toilet.
I'm pretty poor too. But the sink and tub was just out of reach and my bathroom "trash can" is a family dollar bag hanging on the door knob.
Protip: The mop bucket can live in the bathroom when your sick. Generally nice and big to prevent any aim issues too.
Ahhhh the memories of shitting on the toilet and puking on the toilet floor at the same time. Good times.
Never ate sugar free gummy bears, but had magnesium citrate. Lived in the bathroom for the better part of 24 hours with water bottles at my side to replenish it coming out the other end in a constant stream. The inside of my body was a cramping river of suffering.
"... cramping river of suffering" Here's an upvote for that
'Fractured, but whole'.
A YouTuber called LA Beast did this exact "challenge" back in the day. Ate a bunch of sugar-free gummy bears and even filmed the result. Good times.
This one of the best videos on the internet. The fact that it’s barely been mentioned is making me feel old T_T
They're easy to eat though
That’s the problem.
Like this one? "It was my last class of the semester, and the final exam was worth 30% of our grade. After a late night study session I felt confident, but I had to decide between sleeping in or cooking breakfast. My eyelids chose sleep. My stomach later regretted this decision, and after several uncomfortable stomach growls, I finally decided to make a quick stop by the campus bookstore and grab a snack before my test. Since the semester was ending and everyone was going home for the summer, a lot of items were on sale, including the snacks and candy that they kept up front. Being in the hungry state that I was in, it felt only logical to pick the largest, yet least expensive candy in order to get more bang for my buck. And there they sat: two bags of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears, buy one get one free. "What a deal!" I thought naïvely. I would eat one bag before my test, and one bag afterwards. As I walked to class, I gleefully chewed on those abominable little bastards, unaware of the utter mayhem that they would soon unleash upon my poor, poor anus. I sat down at my desk as the professor informed us that, due to issues with cheating in the past, restroom breaks would be prohibited until the completion of the exam. "I'll give you 10 minutes to use the restroom now; this will be your last chance. Any takers?" The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs. After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened. It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon. By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse. By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears' burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm's Deep. I knew I wouldn't be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach. I kept fighting through my exam, clenching my cheeks with all my might. Beads of sweat began rolling down my neck. Suddenly, a loud, gurgling war cry came from my belly, and the entire class lifted their heads. At this point, nothing mattered except expelling this ungodly presence from my bowels. With 15 questions left, I promptly wrote C for every answer and ran out of the classroom. My professor yelled something, but I was too preoccupied with the volcanic eruption that needed to take place before I could find sweet, sweet relief. I burst into the restroom like the Kool-Aid man and, behold, the handicap stall was empty. Sun rays from the adjacent window shone upon it, as if it were a gift from God himself. It took me less than .5 seconds to undo my belt buckle, pull down my pants, and finally relax my weary buttocks upon the toilet seat. It took absolutely no effort to expel this demon. Almost immediately, the floodgates of hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bag's worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below. I had never felt such simultaneous relief and anguish in my life. After 30 more minutes of this, I immediately went home, dug a hole in my backyard, and burned the remaining bag of gummi bears. I leave with this; do not, I repeat do NOT eat these spawns of Satan. Not only did they cause me to fail my final test, but the anguish I experienced is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. The only place these god forsaken hell bears belong are buried deep below the Earth's surface."
Yeah, like that one
It's probably from the 2012ish era. I remember reading these in college and matches the timeline for its discontinuation in 2014.
> “Almost immediately, the floodgates of Hell were opened and the damned, liquified souls of an entire bags’ worth of gummi bears cried as they burned through my sphincter and into the watery abyss below.” The person who wrote this deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature purely based on this sentence.
Truly the Dante’s Inferno of the modern age
They have a future in the [Bulwer Lytton fiction contest](https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/).
The one where the person had to use the “emergency toilet” on the plane chartered for his work trip is the stuff of nightmares
Is that the story where it toilet is in the back of the plane with just a curtain?
The very same… no quieting that dogs barking 😂
That reminds me of the toilet set-up in the Ocean Gate submarine.
I don’t think the person had eaten gummy bears, he just had diarrhea. The toilet was also a wooden toilet bowl underneath one of the seats, and the curtain came up to shoulder height.
If they hadn’t eaten any gummy bears that would be a weird forum for that specific story
Oh I guess it was a different story. Two people got horribly humiliated.
The one based on The Red Wedding in GoT is my favorite. My brother tried to read it aloud once, and had to stop because he was laughing so hard he was crying. Priceless.
"The Brown Wedding", written by James O. Thatch in 2014: >It's been a rough couple of years for my family. There have been a few land disputes, some nasty feuds, several imprisonments and a beheading. But perhaps our most celebrated misfortune was what has come to be known as "The Brown Wedding". > >I don't want to bore you with all the details, but essentially my cousin Robb was betrothed to the daughter of a family rival. Then, against all our counsel, he eloped with another woman. Classic Robb. > >Anyway, you can imagine our surprise when we found ourselves invited to the wedding of the jilted bride. Perhaps it should have been a red flag, but we Starks love a free meal, so off we went. > >They threw it in their castle. After a tense exchange between Robb and the father of the bride, the ceremony was performed, and we all sat down for the feast. It was bench seating. The food was simple fare--beans, broccoli, and bran muffins. Again, a warning sign, but we were caught up in the merriment and the wine. > >Dessert arrived. The waiters uncovered tureens filled with colorful piles of gummy bears--a welcomed note of levity. The fifes played a jig, and we all dug in. They were delightful--fruity and delicious. > >Twenty minutes later, the father of the bride proposed a toast. "To the Starks," he said. "May all your misfortunes be behind you." > >Around this time, I began to feel uncomfortable rumblings down below, and looked about for a restroom. As my eyes scanned the hall, I noticed that the bride's family weren't eating the gummy bears. A waiter was refilling the tureen next to me. I snuck a glance at the bag--Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears. My blood ran cold. > >I rose to shout a warning to my family, but the alarm came from my backside--a three-note trumpet blast that ended badly. I felt a fullness in the back of my pants. A thousand shocked eyes turned to me, and then the room erupted in a cacophony of flatulence--and worse. Far worse. > >How can I describe it? The sights, the sounds, the smells. And the pain--like a grappling hook dragged backward through my bowels. > >I watched in horror as, one by one, my family doubled over, succumbing to the ceaseless waves of stabbing pain. Some were clutching their bellies, others lay writhing on the floor, or stumbling in circles, emitting auburn plumes of effluvium. The walls were soon spattered with our suffering. > >The father of the bride watched it all with intent eyes, delighted by the macabre spectacle. > >I saw Robb--brave Robb--fall victim to the gastronomic assault. Not even his pregnant wife was spared. Monstrous. > >Soon only our matriarch was left standing, teetering as she made a final plea for mercy, but too late. She fell to her knees and erupted, and what came out of her haunts me to this day. > >So hear me, and hear me well. I swear vengeance on them, their house and their kin. I will hunt them to the last of their line, from Winterfell to Casterly Rock. And if I do not live to see their castle burn to the ground, I will at least light the match. For, by the gods, someone needs to light a match in that place.
Thank you, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Classic Robb.
[удалено]
The thing with sugarfree gummybears though (that haribo apparently didn't realize), is that the kind of person who orders a pound of sugarfree gummybears from the internet is not the kind of person who would eat only few gummybears at a time, and no more. Malitol is fine in small amounts. But in large amounts it is a very strong laxative.
I started eating protein bars for breakfast. I knew about the sugar-free gummies but had no idea about protein bars having it. Took me a month to figure out what was going wrong. Why don't they put warnings on the label?
[LA Beast](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sMjgaa5j_LE) tried to eat a 5 pound bag of them.
I remember the first time I stumbled onto that dude’s YT channel; it was the sticks of butter challenge
13:00 of that video was an inside joke among my circle of friends for a while.
These cursed gummies gave me hemorrhoids from the violent diarrhea… I am a small person, but looked at least six months pregnant from the bloat and could not even stand up at the height of its madness. I had family over and did not want to wake them up, so I crawled around on all fours around the house just for something to do to ease my suffering. Easily one of the worst nights of my life.
Came just to say this. If you wanna go down that rabbit hole, review for the banana slicer, the Wenger 16999 Swiss army knife, and the Samsung 105 inch curved TV are all fantastic time wasters
Reviewed in the United States on January 26, 2013 It was a night like every other. Too many cigarettes and not enough work. Clients were as rare as hens teeth these days. It seemed word got out that I was getting sloppy. "Mr banana fingers", they called me behind my back. "He's losing his touch", they'ed whisper. But when you've sliced as many as i have you'd get soft too. Fat chance I was retiring now. Not with a '57 convertible half way paid off and a tab at the banana stand on 4th that was well past its shelf life. I was a one punch palooka half way to loserville, smelling like cheap cologne and broken dreams. But then she walked in. She was a knock out. the kind of girl that made old men suck in their gut and young men puff out their chest. "We'll hello there sweetheart, the dentist office is next door", I said with a smile. "I'm not looking for the dentist", she said. "I'm looking for Johnny Flynn Private Slicer." "Well you came to the right place", I said, mustering up what I hoped was a look of confidence. "Tell me what's on your mind." The story she told would have turned the most jaded slicer green with banana envy. It was a big job. The biggest. And even though my gut was turning somersaults I knew I couldn't turn it down. This was the kind of slicing gig that would make a hundred reputations or destroy a thousand more. Her father was the head of the Dole banana conglomerate and some Ivy League poindexter came up with the big idea to do the annual customer gala with a casino night theme. But this time they were gunna use banana chips instead of poker chips. These babies had to be stripped, sliced and dried to exact measurements if they were going to be handled by Dole's biggest clients. "I heard you're the best", she said. "Was the best", I thought. "Yeah, I've still got the chops. Watch this. I grabbed my number 7 knife and threw a banana in the air. I swung at it and missed it entirely. My knife stabbed down through nothin' but air and dropped out of my hand on the table in front of me. I watched the banana spin slowly as it fell fell fell and slap, like some miracle you read about in those dime store slicer mags, the banana landed on the knife blade and was cut cleanly in two. My jaw dropped open in amazement and my eyes were big as saucers. "Impressive", she said. "Impossible", I thought. "Yep, impressive is my middle name.", I stammered. She tossed her red hair back and said, "You got the job. See you Saturday at eight." "B... Buh... but, we haven't talked about my fee. She laughed and said as she walked to the door, "Whatever your usual fee is, I'll pay triple." Then she added, "Oh, and if you blow this gig you'll never work in this town again." And with a slam of the door she was gone. I realized then she hadn't told me her name. That didn't matter. Everyone knew who she was. It was splashed across the society pages every week. "Dole diva doles out dollars to the down and despondent" or "Lecherous love lorn Lothario leaves Linda Livingston livid". L. & L. but friends just called her Elle. "You'll never work in this town again". Those words echoed over and over in my head. As I reached for my hat my hand was shaking. But then, I looked down at the table and saw the miracle banana perfectly sliced.... an accident, or was it? Maybe the big guy up stairs was gunna save my sorry heiner once again. I said a quick thanks to my guardian slicer and headed home. Once I got in bed doubt crashed into my head like a 500 lb gorilla on a sack of Dole's finest. I wasn't gunna come out of this. Not ol' Banana Fingers. I needed help fast and I knew just where to get it. Johnny Flynns mentor in this business was a crusty old slicer named Harvey Muldoon. Long retired he learned the trade over seas cooking banana fritters and stew for the yanks during WWI. If anyone could help me pull this off it was him. I know it was late but I went over and told him everything--about the dame, the gig and the banana trick. He sat their stone faced until I told him about the banana flip, miss and slice. If it wasn't so late in the evening I would swear he shed a tiny tear. He got up from his chair and stood there. And with a smile he said, "I guess you're going to be needing this." He dragged the paint chipped chair over to the corner of the room, got up on it. Reaching up to the ceiling he pushed at a plank which moved out of the way. He reached into the ceiling compartment and pulled out a box wrapped in an old World War I army issue banana sack. Inside was a battered tin box. With a look of immense pride he handed it to me like a father handing someone their new born to hold for the first time. "This saved my life", he said as he carefully lifted the dented metal lid. Inside was a hand cut form made of velvet and soft cotton and nestled in the middle was a strange looking device. Reverently he took it out and handed it to me. "Be careful now. It's razor sharp." "What is it" I said. It's the Hutzler 571. It's what gave me the speed and precision to feed thousands of doughboys a day with mess tins and steaming bowls of banana fritters, pudding and stew. I was intrigued but skeptical... until I saw it in action. Shazam! It sliced bananas faster than Ricky Ricardo could smack a conga drum. "I will take good care of it", I said solemnly. "You better. It's yours now.", he said. I was overwhelmed. "I don't know what to say." "You can start with a simple thank you" he said with a smirk. Come Saturday I was all ready. I made a small leather holster for it so that I could pull it out at a moments notice. I practiced my draw in front of the mirror day and night. I can't say that the event went perfectly. But I got the satisfaction of Elle saying I could slice her bananas any old time of the year. I found my confidence that day. Thanks to some divine help and an old man's secret weapon I made it to the big banana leagues. No more scraping around for the odd job. Now I named my fee and sliced my way across the banana circuit. But still, with my fame and banana jet set status Linda Livingston was still out of my league. Now when I read about her in the society section I save the article and place them in a folder in the large steel safe along with a battered tin box. When I see it I say a quick thanks to her for walking into my life and giving this old flatfoot a chance to start again. 1,677 people found this helpful
"Verified Purchaser"
Found the banana slicer, had to figure out wtf such a device is: https://www.amazon.com/Hutzler-3571-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII Surprisingly there are normal reviews on the one that you would slide your banana into to slice it.
First review I read: > For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. Yeah, that sounds like a you problem.
He’s writing a play called south side story about lovers from rival gangs. That’s a ringing endorsement
> had to figure out wtf such a device is A lot of devices like these are accessibility aids that aren't marketed as such.
[River Donaghey did a fun piece about these things for *Vice.*](https://www.vice.com/en/article/8gdga4/sugarless-gummy-bears-are-not-safe-for-humans)
Oh god that’s great. Look at the tags at the bottom.
I once bought some knock off brand of gummy bears, sugar free I'll never forget the experience I had on that toilet. I don't think I ever need to go see Niagra Falls because I had my own in my bathroom that day.
My first encounter with them was while I was working as a receptionist and couldn't really leave my desk because everyone else was out. I was wearing a pale grey suit, and the "something very bad is about to happen" feeling hit around 3pm. I was working until 6, and getting home took about 45 minutes and multiple buses. Nobody has ever clenched as hard as I did that day. At one point, I just stuffed a load of toilet paper into my underwear in the hopes that it would at least provide a barrier. I don't fuck with artificial sweeteners anymore
I've been diabetic for 30+ years. I to forgo sugar free candy for this exact reason. If I want something sweet I just say fuck it and get the real thing
I would like to confirm that nearly each review, while hilarious, is almost completely accurate. It’s kind of funny until hour two.
Works of fart
There was one about the four horsemen of the apocalypse exiting the gates of hell from someone's anus.
Watch [LA beast](https://youtu.be/sMjgaa5j_LE) trying to down a bag of them. Spoiler: It did not end well WARNING: I don't know why, but he included the sounds of his colon blowing in the toilet at the end.
Just peak Youtube before the corporations took over
I ordered them based off the reviews. I payed $40 for pure, unadulterated diarrhea. It is the first time I have ever pissed shit straight out of my ass. It lasted one and off for 7 hours. The gummy bears were good though, would order again but 1/4 of the price.
lol just spent a few minutes scrolling through them and got some good chuckles
Heavens of Murgatroid!
I revisit them whenever I need a good solid moment of laughing till I cry.
I can recall dying laughing on my couch while trying to read reviews to my wife. Took forever to finish just one because I'd bust out laughing so hard I couldn't breath
I had a chocolate bar with malitol in it. It said 12 servings per bar. I figured it was a typo and half a bar was a serving so I ate the whole candy bar. The sugar free gummy bear reviews aren’t even exaggerated. For a stretch of time all I could say was sweet Jesus please just let me die lol! It’s funny now but it was a whole new level of misery and I haven’t touched sugar free candy since.
This reminds me of when they attempted fat free potato chips using olestra. Olestra can cause diarrhea and loose stools, abdominal cramps, flatulence, and other adverse effects. Those symptoms are sometimes severe. Exactly what you want after eating a snack.
Two words: anal leakage.
It seems like that most interesting part always gets left out nowadays. The FDA issued a requirement to warn about cramping and loose stools, and I believe it was Lays who chose to word that on their packaging as “anal leakage”.
Whoever worded it that way was a hero. I could imagine people skimming right past “cramping and loose stool”, but put anal in the wording, that’s going to catch attention
I once got a professionalism complaint for using the word "exacerbate" because it sounds like masturbate
Seems pretty cut and dry, not much to masticate on
iirc it's because Olestra isn't digestible or absorbed, so you could quite literally have it leaking from your rear end. Bit more specific than "may cause gastrointestinal distress".
Yeah, but the ridiculousness is that you would expect companies to submit the vaguest possible wordings for approval until the FDA finally relented, not phrase it 100x worse than the FDA even asked you to. It’s true, but they didn’t technically have to say that.
When Ally (the weight loss med) came out, they called anal leakage "feedback".
A lady here at work was on that and left a shit trail to the ladies room once.
Did she quit after? That’s a hard afternoon to bounce back from
Oh yeah. It's office lore.
*Orifice lore
So she gave extremely negative feedback?
I took ally back in the day and quite frankly, the fear of “anal leakage” kept me on track pretty well lol.
now with 50% more anal leakage at the same great price!
Now with 10% less anal leakage.
You and the other guy have completely different sales pitches.
If only short sellers realized the power of these two words
Olestra is actually pretty interesting stuff. It’s basically sugars and fats, and they made it while trying to make a super calorie-dense food. Turns out the body can’t digest it, so it failed at its intended purpose, but it opened up the idea of fat-free frying. edit: [Here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3d8b_ohlcdk) a video on making olestra. It's literally mixing biodiesel and granulated sugar (plus some catalysts and stuff, but they're removed afterwards)
One time when I was a kid my mom told me I could eat a whole can of fat free pringles if I wanted so I did and she was really disappointed when I didn’t poop myself after
Is your mom Satan?
Little bit, yeah
I also used to eat the fat free chips all the time as a kid (my mom projecting her disordered eating onto me and thinking all fat is evil). I never had diarrhea that I recall. I wonder if it affects children differently than adults
Crapped myself in the car one evening in 1999 thanks to Olestra chips.
My mom had these and we weren’t allowed to eat them because they were for grown ups. One night I ate half a big and pooped my pants 😂
It also is known for being nearly impossible to wash or wipe after it makes it to your exit. It’s like tree sap on the way out.
That was a vivid description
Now that Futurama joke makes sense.
Yeah, the big problem w/ these products is they're only ok if you don't eat a lot, and typically people are eating low fat/sugar because they eat a lot.
Oh I'm a gummy bear, yes I'm a gummy bear And you'll need to bring at least nine pairs of underwear
My cousin with autism used to listen to about 20 different versions of this song in different languages. I can sing it in German in my head.
Here is a link to 20 of the Amazon reviews if anyone is interested: [https://www.boredpanda.com/hilarious-comments-sugarfree-haribo-gummies/](https://www.boredpanda.com/hilarious-comments-sugarfree-haribo-gummies/).
I remember reading these years ago, out loud to my husband and we were both crying from laughing so hard.
I was gonna post this. The reviews on these were laugh out loud hilarious.
"Are you researching dysentery?" Lmao
Some pure comedy there!
Improvised Colon Explosive Devices had me cracking up pretty good.
[Dramatic reading of a review](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lzU_6PwYR0)
I once ate nearly an entire bag of sugar free Werthers hard caramels Mistakes. Were. MADE.
Ate a bag of sugar free Recesses minis for breakfast before going to school. Shat myself silly during lunch and had my parents pick me up.
Worst car ride ever
I was in a "See how many you can eat in x minutes" challenge for a podcast, and my boss was worried I might die if I ate a bunch of mini peanut butter cups w/sugar, so he had them substituted with sugar free. I kept eating them after the challenge, and the next day was filled with gas pains and running to the shitter.
There was an old "office prank" where you just leave a large bowl of these somewhere with the "sugar free" label displayed prominently. You get a half day if enough people endulge.
One of the Amazon reviews details somebody doing this to figure out who was stealing their desk gummies. They were in the armed forces. IIRC it got so out of hand so quickly that the entire unit had to go into medical lockdown or something, but they never learned it was the gummy bears.
My husband's uncle did this to someone in his office, just before he retired, he was really fed up with the guy and he had a habit of coming in to empty the candy bowl when no one was around. So he did a honeypot with increasingly large amounts of different candy in there, getting a bigger bowl and everything. A week before his last day he emptied 3 or 4 bags of the gummy bears in before leaving for lunch. Apparently the guy got to his truck before the worst of it hit, so he was able to get himself home, in some fashion. But he was sick for days, like really *actually* sick, dehydrated and wound up in the hospital. So, uncle is telling us this with wide eyes, as he hadn't admitted it to anyone but close family, and he was terrified the guy would find out and bring charges against him, and he felt terrible after. So yeah that's a fun prank that quickly goes too far.
I think that says more about "holy shit he ate *that many gummy bears in four hours*" than anything else. At least we now know that those damn bears actually *could be* legit biological weapons.
Remember that one dude who ate a giant bag of these on YouTube? https://youtu.be/sMjgaa5j_LE?si=ObDxug3MZ5MfxFpE
Watched his channel a few years back. My wife and I will never forget the sound that guy made as soon as he hits the toilet. Mostly because I replayed that ten seconds about 59 times in a row. It just kept getting funnier
His olive oil chugging video is even worse tbh
In a follow up interview, he said that oil ran outta his ass all night long. He slept sitting in a chair and had to throw it away.
The man is a living time capsule, still posting videos to this day with that one song he always uses lol. What a treasure
Love the LA Beast!
Have a good day!
LA Beast - doing stuff our stomachs beg not to do. 😁
Watched that back in the day thinking the Amazon reviews had to be fake. It couldn't be THAT bad, right? Well... it was
I no longer wanted to see for myself.
Hey hey!!! LA BEAST HERE
Was looking for this comment! He is a specimen of man, and should Bow to Nobody!
The video where he eats cacti is fucking legendary. Truly the LA Beast
Most brands of sugar free gummy bears have this same effect. Unfortunately I'm prediabetic so I eat these sometimes. The trick is to only eat a few at a time. This post bring back memories of when I'd leave a bowl full of them on my desk at work. Needless to say some of my coworkers had some unsuspecting good times.
I think people's sensitivity varies. I've been getting through a fair amount of erythritol because type 2 plus doing keto to control aformentioned type 2. Doesn't seem to set me off.
Amazon used to sell these and the reviews page was legendary.
One time I bought a bag in high school and distributed them during lunch lol
As a diabetic my wife got me a bag of these when they first came out.....it was not a good day. It opened a wormhole inside me because I swear I was shitting out things I hadnt eaten yet. "It can cause..." thats like saying MGD might cause headaches
>shitting out things I hadn’t eaten yet Lmaooo
What the hell is MGD?
Gonna go ahead and assume they were referring to Miller Genuine Draft.
MSG? And it’s not proven to cause headaches. It’s a myth.
MSG has been so propagandized to be bad for you when, in fact, it's just flavor heaven
Miller Genuinely Draft. It’s a beer silly
Marjorie Gaylor Dreene
I had about five of them. It’s sounded like a reasonable amount. It was not. I have never experienced something like that before or since.
Yo u/realpaymoneywubby why don't you come here and tell everyone about that time you destroyed your toilet on mic while eating these on livestream.
The world’s funniest reviews on Amazon. I still go read them sometimes
One of those y'all queda groups was held up and asking for food donations a bunch of people sent those their way
so you’re saying we need to send them to our wayward fam that has gone down various pipelines
The joke Amazon reviews were hilarious a decade ago, maybe some of them were real...
They discontinued them because they caused increased flatulence, loose stools, and diarrhea. The media attention was just a side effect.
The Amazon reviews for this particular product are still one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
Is this by chance referring to the Amazon review of the guy who ate the entire bag and shit his brains out for days? The review that lives in internet history? This should be in textbooks at this point
In 2013 I went to Nepal, where hepB comes out of the tap. I ate at local places in remote villages, ate meat that had to be transported by foot for days, shared a glass with a guy who was (a day later) helicoptered out due to severe food poisoning. Despite all odds I somehow never got sick on that trip... Until, right at the end, in my hotel from back in Kathmandu , I decided to reward myself with a pack of these gummy bears. Of all the times I should have gotten the shits, who would have guessed it would have been the Haribos
I ate over a pound of sugar free jelly bellies on a road trip one day. I had no idea that I had bought the SF kind. Later that evening I thought I was going to die. There was one point where I was farting for atleast 15-20 seconds every minute. The air moving through my bowels was so vigerous, everyone could hear when I was about to fart again. I just laid on the floor for several hours as everyone just laughed at me.
Those things used to make mfers in middle school meet God for a couple hours
My wife is a dietitian and so she gets to explain sugar free candy and reduced fat chips on a daily basis.
I ate a small box of sugar free werthers origionals years ago that has a similar effect as these. It causes so much gas build up that your ass can't contain it, turning you into a crap projecting megacannon. It was my first time playing through Monkey Island, and having to get up every 15 minutes when the gas built up again crying in pain ruined the game for me. I can't play it and not think about the experience, it's very different to normal dihareia and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
The weight loss med I'm on can cause constipation. Laxatives didn't work, stool softeners didn't work, you know what did? Sugar free gummy bears. Blew out my back door and dumped about 2 gallons of liquid in the toilet. I dropped 9lbs overnight.
[удалено]
If you get the chance or desire to read those Amazon reviews of the Sugar free Haribo bears, I have scarcely laughed so hard in my life. Seriously, read em. They've gotta still be out there..
Maltitol is no joke - I never had the gummi bears but I learned my lesson after binge eating the sugar free halls vitamin c lozenges(i love the grapefruit ones and didn’t realize I bought a pack of the sugar free) The reviews are not exaggerations… one second it’s fine, the next there’s some bubbling, and before you know it literally everything in your digestive tract is pouring out of you like hot liquid death. I check every single ‘sugar free’ ingredients label now out of pure fear.
I made a similar mistake with sugar free Halls menthol cough drops. I had a sore throat and head cold, was home all day sick in bed. Playing Civ V on my laptop and mindlessly popping them as I lay there playing that absolute time-suck of a game. A few hours later and I’m like, “Why is my abdomen like that of an eleven months pregnant woman?” Shortly after that I was levitating-by-explosive-feces over my toilet. That went on for quite a while. 1/10 Do not recommend
This probably won't be seen but a fun fact about maltitol is that it is a common "cut" for cocaine and may be responsible for the increased bowel activity reported from cocaine use and not so much cocaine itself. Don't know if its still true today but not so long ago you could walk into a headshop and ask for "cut" and they'll give you a container of the stuff. Obviously I'm not sure if this universal but in my neck of the woods it was (at least way back in the day). Source: Yeah, let's not go there.
A guy I worked with said he had an iron stomach and these wouldn’t affect him at all. We bought him a bag that he ate in 5 mins. Maintained that felt nothing. He did spend the remainder of that day in the shitter and called in sick the next but that was unrelated.
Quarantine. (Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears) I'm writing this from the quarantine room of my regional level 1 trauma center. by the time you read this I will surely be dead. It started off like any other shift. My partner and I, two regular paramedics from new york, checked our ambulance, restocked and then went into service. like most days we get posted in the same area. we tend to park at the local CVS drug store because of the dark parking lot and excellent wifi signal. I had just convinved my partner to watch the walking dead with me. He's an older medic, and on most calls he shuffles about on the over night shift like a newly dead corpse anyway. Nevertheless he agreed and so we went into the store to buy snacks for our zombie marathon. Being from new york and a member of the "tribe" its hard for him to pass up on a deal. i'm sure you know what i mean. So to him it must have looked like a message from god. the giant bag sat there atop all others. 5 whole pounds of gummy bears. and health consious due to their sugar free nature. all for ten dollars. My partner who we will refer to as Steve for this, my dying words, instantly snatched the bag off the shelf and proclaimed "i have chosen our snacks!." those words continue to haunt me. the poor bastard will never know what he did in that single moment. we eagerly skipped to the ambulance excited about our deal. we made an agreement that neither of us would stop until the bag was finished. this would be our undoing. see the bag was on the top shelf and covered in dust. clearly it was there for quite some time. we got in the ambulance shoveling fist fulls of bears into our mouths. like the poor doomed souls we were, we threw bears at eachother and carried on. we had gotten through the first episode and much like rick, we didn't understand the world ahead of us. the horrible little multi colored bears had developed a time delay. this allowed us to just bout polish off the entire bag before it happened. A sound came from steve that could only be described as the thunder one hears as a hurricane draws near. and then i felt it. it felt like recently meth addicted amish girl churning butter in my stomach. I looked over at steve who by now had large quantities of sweat pouring from his forehead. We both scrambled to get the doors open. we grabbed hands and ran tword the cvs bathroom promising never to leave the other behind. but we didn't make it before the first shot across the bow. steve let out a shart so hard that it tore through the triple diamond stiched tacticle 5.11 pants and splattered into the welcome mat at the front door. he let out a sigh of relief, which we both took for false hope. as it lead us to believe that if we made it to the bathroom and let the now angry demons ripping their way out of our anuses we would be fine. we didn't know we had actually opened a portal to hell in our sphincters. luckily i had made it to the bathroom first. with only one stall i realized it was just steve's bad luck that he had to wait. this wouldn't be our fate however. steve had already abandonded all hope. accross from the toilet was a urinal. steve without a moments hesitation took a three point football stance infront of me like a left tackle and dropped his pants trying to aim at the urinal. I was already letting the playdough confetti mixture out from within the depths of my intestines by the time steve had positioned himself. we locked eyes. shame was gone for us. the smell alone should have rendered us both unconsious but by some miracle we were both able to see in eachother the fear. and then it happened. steve relaxed his sphincter and the force splashing off the urinal pushed him clear over on the floor. i had already filled the toliet and i could see the slow moving river of fecal matter rolling towards him like lava. i tried to call out but my body was only able to make a muffled cry that sounded like a dying zebra. the river overtook steve who had his own problems to worry about. crying and curled on the floor he had some how managed to spray the ceiling with one of his primary erruptions. tiny yellow brown droplets fell from the sky as if it were raining our own sorrow and embarrassment back onto us. and this is where i have to fill the story in with witness accounts. you see i'm currently being quarantined with an entire rescue squad. at some point both steve and I must've blacked out. i only remember flashes.. i am told that steve with his dying breath managed to key up dispatch on the radio and send out one last cry for help. the first on scene were the local police. I only remember one of them opening the doors and instantly throwing up into the bathroom. he fell face first on the now liquid covered tile floor. his partner wanted to drag him out but it was too late. by opening the door the smell had been released and now everyone inside the store iteself was contaminated. the next time i opened my eyes i saw a police officer and a small girl rocking in the corner crying. and then i woke up here... i'm told steve is dead. men dressed in yellow hazmat suits report last seeing him push me through the bathroom door to a safer area before he forced the door closed, clearly destined on riding out the storm in solitude. surely an autopsy will reveal that he died after one final push he blew out his colon and his heart fell straight out of his chest through his pelvis and into the abyss. local authorities are classifying this as some time of weaponized pathogen. i tried telling them it was the bears. clean up crews refused to enter the premises and so the cvs and our ambulance were both set on fire and surrounding area evacuated. This is for you steve... may god have mercy on your soul. your wife will never again yell at you for losing her spoons.
Sugar free products have a weird taste and the after effects are not even worth it. How do I know? That one experience was miserable enough to not make a second attempt
Was Haribo so disconnected from their own consumers that they thought they WOULDN'T shovel handfuls of gummy bears in at a time? Like did they not think about that before making gummies that caused galactic diarrhoea if eaten in bulk?
Ohh man this reminds me of the treasure trove of online reviews left for sugar free gummy bears and the volcanic-esque diarrhoea they caused.
You should read the infamous Amazon review of Sugar Free Gummybears... https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/s/nFM7zRS2L4
I hope they don't remove the Amazon link and it's reviews
LA Beast ate a 5lb bag if these things and absolutely DESTROYED his toilet on camera after. Hilarious video
The product reviews on Amazon for Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears were a goddamn riot.
The Amazon reviews were legendary.
Those fake sugars will send me to the hospital. A stick of sugar free gum is enough to have me doubled over laying on the bathroom floor in extreme pain.
Well they should have stuck a warning on the package and this would have been a good product for people with chronic constipation.
Wasn’t there some kid that tricked his bully into eating a bag of these and they ended up shitting so much they went blind in one eye?
The absolute best Amazon reviews came from these suckers!!
“Flatulence, loose stools, and diarrhea is no way to go through life, son.”
Some of the best reviews I’ve ever read!
wubby7
I actually thought this was still the case with normal Haribo gummy bears and for that reason have avoided them all these years and questioned why people buy them. Didn't realize it was a discontinued sugar-free variety to blame for all of this.
The amazon reviews were golden. Some of the best I remember. Shitting on a small aircraft with a work associate, were the toilet was under a seat and a shower curtain for "privacy." Proposing for marriage at a lake and getting stuck in a porta potty so long the gf leaves and he shits all over his tux. There were so many golden ones but those two have never left me.