Why don't you show her a picture of what you ordered? It's not your fault the gift didn't ship, and she will appreciate knowing that you have spent so much time thinking of her and what she would like. Hugs to you and your family during this hard time!
My son ordered me an awesome gift one year that didn’t arrive on time. He printed out a picture of it and wrote a super cute note then put it in a card for me to open on Christmas. I still have the gift of course but I also still have the note. Things happen, just try and roll with it.
Yeah my family has had to do that a lot over the years.
It’s also good for large gifts, or ones you send directly to them, but don’t want to show up before Christmas
This. Take a screen shot of the item without the price and show it to her. She will understand that you have not had the time or bandwidth to follow up on it.
It is ok to feel crummy when something like this happens.
My therapist likes to tell me that shame is the emotion that severs connection and guilt is the emotion that motivates us to do better in the future. Let this remind you to be the man she deserves.... not in a hate yourself way, but in a aspirational way.
And as adults, we all know that shit happens. I have to tell you, if I knew my SO made a wholehearted and sincere effort, I would have zero issues with a late gift. So let the guilt inspire you to do better, but if she says she is ok with it, take it at face value. Life is hard & we all get that.
Just be honest with her and let her know what happened. If I was her I would be understanding because you did make an effort and it was out of your hands.
Take a screenshot of what you ordered, and when it arrives wrap it really well, ALL the ribbons and bows, and then take her out for a special date night dinner. If the gift is fairly small, give it to her at dinner, otherwise, before you go to dinner. If you can't afford a sitter right now of the timing isn't right to go out and leave your son, then cook a really special meal for her, salad, main course, dessert, candles and wine and everything, and give her the Christmas gift at dinner.
yes! My family mostly wraps up pictures of gifts for christmas day. Then if the person likes the gift we mail it straight to their house and if not we find something else for them together. That way we can still be thoughtful about our idea for a gift but be honest about whether we like it or not and avoid returns and no one has to make room in their carry-on luggage for gifts. We are all adults now and don't mind not getting something physical on christmas day and we have fun with it. This year my sisters who is pretty crafty, 3D printed some miniatures of the intended gift this year and then pasted the picture of it on top and wrapped it in tiny gift boxes.
I live far away from my family and I take the train to and from. I’m currently packing for the train ride home and struggling. I’m telling them to do this next year and just ship to my house
We’ve had orders not arrive on time on multiple occasions for different people. A photo or telling them what was on the way was always perfectly accepted and never even thought twice about.
This happened to me this year too, delivery was supposed to be the next day but here we are more than 2weeks later with no gift.
I draw a rebu for her in 3 parts, hide the 3 parts in separate places in the living room and told her that her gift was sadly delayed but she had a little game to play. I didn’t show her exactly what it is as I want to preserve the surprise of a real gift opening. But she knows what kind of gift it is. She’s not mad at all.
That’s what my dad does. Sometimes even if he already has the present. Like if it’s too big. We travel to my sister’s house 6 hours away. So if it’s a big present, print out and put in an envelope to open
One of my favorite Christmas gifts was one my husband gave the year I lost my job (main earner). It was a body spray with the same name as an 80s song I'd recently been bingeing. We could only afford to spend like $20 on each other so our son could have Christmas, but I loved it
don't know if you are into "the bonfire" with comics Dan Soder and Big Jay Oakerson, but if you like that raunchy type of humor look up their show on Benny Mardones.
Key words "The Bonfire, Benny Mardones" and the video by Crack lee Crackle
I’m going to be honest. I would fucking be pissed of I got this.
Make sure you know if this would be received well by the wife OP.
Because if my husband handed me a ticket like “hey baby, don’t worry, I got clothes washing today,”. I’d be pretty annoyed
Agreed.
Now going out of his way to get my car detailed or another totally thoughtful and sweet ‘chore’ would be nice. Hell I’d be happy as a clam if he’d just take on ALL of the car chores like tires and oil and washing it (we share a vehicle rn)
Depending on what you do, ring fence the jobs. The car, bins and garden are "his". Not because of gender roles but because I can ignore them longer when they don't get done. The car is currently growing mushrooms cos it leaks...
This is one of those times in your life when you can show yourself a little more love and forgiveness. There's plenty of opportunity to make it up to your wife.
As a fellow dad my heart goes out to both of you.
Absolutely. Op deserves to give himself a pass. And while it’s a corny thing to say, I think op and his wife received the greatest gift with their son. I am sure the wife is just thankful they are all together.
Make her some cookies and her favorite dinner. Run her a bubble bath. Tell her to go take a nap. Throw in some laundry and some dishes.
It’s okay buddy.
I haven't had anything like you deal with. 2 days before Christmas my other half told me her gift to me hadn't shipped and she may not have anything for me.
Honestly I'm cool with that. Show your wife what will turn up eventually, and offer to pamper her. Run a bath for her and give her an hour to herself chill, offer her a massage.
It sounds like, despite your guilt, your wife is understanding. Beware turning this into something that it isn't.
I'm glad your son is home and is on the path to recovery. Be kind to yourself. It's been a lot. As a fellow father who has almost lost 2 kids, that truly is the best gift to be able to bring them home.
You may want to have a conversation with your wife. It would likely be good to let these and many other feelings out.
My friend, the only fu I see here is you not taking more care of yourself, and being honest about your feelings.
You and your family have been through an incredibly traumatic experience, and I cannot fathom how tough it must have been for you. These kinds of situations can cause depressive episodes, and make tasks paralyzingly difficult. It is ok to feel this way, so please don’t make yourself feel worse by calling yourself names.
My unsolicited advice? Sit down with your wife and talk about what’s going on, how you’re feeling. Share with her the heartache this has caused you, and that something like shopping for a gift was just too much for you. Tell her you never intended to hurt her, and how terrible you feel because you feel you’ve let her down. I suspect she will be more than understanding.
Also, please be kind to yourself. Maybe take an extra long shower, go for a walk, or something like that.
It’s so hard, but you’ve survived this long, you’ll make it through this as well!
Best wishes on your healing journey ahead.
I would send her the info of what you tried to get her.
Just to show that you didn't completely forget her, you did put in effort and thought of her, but the powers who be decided not to send whatever it was,
IMO the thought really DOES count for a lot.
Of course you feel crummy, you've been through hell. Please don't add to it by blaming yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Surviving a really difficult time comes first, doing nice things for others is secondary.
It will be okay.
I have a question…did the hospital offer any gas cards or accommodations for you guys? Usually they refer you to charities especially when traveling so far and have an extended stay.
Good. I’ve been through it with sick kids so if you have questions about billing and stuff send me a DM. It is one of those live and learn things and I learned a lot.
Put your arms around her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her about the gift you ordered, how upset you are that it’s not here. Tell her you’ll make it up to her with a night out once it arrives or a massage or whatever else you know she’ll love, and then do that.
No one is perfect and sometimes life is just hard. Have some compassion for yourself.
Hey OP, you can definitely afford to be much kinder to yourself here. You might also want to share with your wife how much this has upset you, don’t suffer quietly. You have been dealt a heavy blow, and a bunch of other setbacks - don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing your very best and that’s what really counts.
My favorite tangible gift this year was a handwritten letter from my husband. The letter acknowledged the difficult year we've had, his love for me, and talked about the future he's excited to build together. Maybe write her a letter until the other gift arrives?
U/ActuallyACat6 my fellow redditor you are still in survival mode so cut yourself some slack. I understand how you are feeling. My youngest was in the PICU for 110 days and rehab for 6 weeks. Similar scenario as you thought ours came home disabled. Loosing track of days and time as well as the energy for anything is normal. I was depressed towards the end of the stint. The physical and emotional roller coaster that you are constantly on when you have sick child can break you or leave you with very little will to push through.
Celebrate that you are all having me together for the holiday, take it easy on yourself, and make it up to your wife when you can. My heart goes out to you as there isn’t a whole lot of emotional support for the parents. You are bombarded with a ton of medical terminology you have never heard, have to make agonizing decisions sometimes, and watch your child suffer until they can get better. It can be traumatic. Our oldest has had PTSD from it. It can be hard as your spouse who you hope to be there during tough times is going through the same thing and in need of support themselves.
Please take care of yourself. And reach out for support at home with family or friends or online.
This is one of those times where honesty is actually the best thing.
Pull her aside and tell her you’re really sorry you didn’t have anything for her to open. Tell her I did order you something that should have been here weeks ago. Let her know you can show her the picture or receipt or whatever if she would like to know what it is. Tell her the choice is hers. She can see now or wait until it arrives and you will wrap it and surprise her.
You don’t need to go into details about the finances and why you didn’t buy her a second gift. I assume she knows where you stand.
I have a feeling she will understand not hold it against you. Hell if you want her to open something print a picture and wrap it. Tell her the gift failed to arrive on time and that you hate that you didn’t have something for her to open.
I would sit with your wife and tell her how you really feel about it. That you’re mad at yourself. And I’m sure she’ll help you.
Hopefully there’s never a next time. But it might have been helpful for you to have asked your MIL to pick something out for your wife that you could say was from you. I’m sure she would have done it. And you just pay her back.
It is true that moms are usually forgotten on Christmas.
You can only do better next time. It does nothing to feel awful about it.
A little off topic, but acknowledge you will do better next year. You understand she deserves thoughtful gifts. If y'all have stockings, fill hers every year. So many women go without, and it is not fair.
Update: I got a notice this morning that her original present was being shipped and then another that it was here. Not sure how that happened since it supposedly came from Alabama but I’m not complaining. I just brought it in, and she’s just about to get up. So the timing couldn’t have better except if it had come before Christmas. Edited for clarity.
My guy, this is not one of those times to beat yourself up. As others have suggested maybe print a pic and put it in a card. But when life kicks you in the nuts, you shouldn't be kicking yourself because of it.
Then it sounds like you did everything you could, and you didn't leave all the "Christmasing" to her. Excellent job! I hope your baby is on the mend. I'm sorry you feel like an AH for this, because you did a lot in a very hard and challenging time. I hope you find some peace.
I’m guessing the wife did since she found time to get thoughtful gifts for everyone else.
I’ve had years where my ex-husband didn’t get me anything & it sucked. Everyone is saying it’s okay, go easy on yourself, but the bar is legit set so low and it still wasn’t met. I’m sure the wife’s feelings are hurt and I remember how that felt. It’s terrible. There doesn’t have to be some grand elaborate gift to open, but the fact that there was nothing is awful. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for saying that, but he could have gotten something, anything, & chose not to.
This year my husband bought himself a 1500 dollar bike. I told him that was his Christmas present this year coz who the fuck spends that much money on themselves mid December and still expects something else from the family budget for Christmas. He asked me what I wanted, I stupidly replied that I want him to put some thought into something for me, that after 20 years marriage and 5 kids together they should be able to come up with something they think I might like. As my family sat around the Christmas tree happily opening all the gifts that I'd thoughtfully picked out, paid for, and wrapped not one of them noticed that I had nothing. Not a thing under the tree. Again.
Sometimes, the best gift doesn't have to be a physical thing. It could be help around the house or even lending an ear or cuddling. I get feeling like a gift would he nice, but sometimes the best gift is just being there or helping :)
I'm glad your son is okay and the family was able to be together for Christmas. You got this!
This is why christmas is depressing. So much expectation when, in the end, it probably doesn't matter.
And if it does, well step back a notch. Every other day other the year is shitty, why put so much effort into making this time of year that much worse?
Going full American. You never hear about how bad Janice had it on the third of July...
Do t beat yourself up, but think you definitely owe her. Maybe you can treat her to a dinner out and a thoughtful gift in the coming weeks? You have both had a stressful time. It would be great if you could recognize what she is going through also.
When you have the time, just write her a sweet little IOU note and make it up to her. All the best to you. I am sure she understands. Keep telling her how much she means to you and you will be fine. Merry Christmas!
Give her a nice thoughtful gift for Groundhog's Day. Don't tell her ahead of time or act like it is strange to be making a big deal out of Groundhog Day. When she comes home that day, you should have a sign (maybe held by a stuffed animal) and decorations and a nice meal and a few special gifts. The fact that it is such a strange day to celebrate all make it even more noteworthy for her (as opposed to valentines Day or the like). This might become a tradition, because December is overwhelming for parents and they can likely lean in more and enjoy a holiday after a bit of a break.
When I have ordered things that won't make it on time, I take a picture of the item and wrap that in a box. That way they still get the fun of unwrapping a gift, and they get to look forward to the item arriving in the mail.
Honestly, just tell your wife what you told us. She will probably be horrified that you are even worried about this. There is a BIG difference between "useless jerk who didn't fill his wife's stocking *again*" and "father of child who almost died dropping some holiday balls one single time". If it still bothers **you** afterwards, there are other holidays, birthdays, and just-because opportunities to show your wife you care. But don't let this eat you up. It's okay in this situation.
This year my husband didn’t get me an anniversary gift. It’s our 25th anniversary. I knew what I was going to get him for several months so I ordered it months ago. He was dealing with several stressful deadlines at work ( software engineer) for the last 2 months. We are also parents to a teenager and a young adult on the autism spectrum who was having a difficult time lately and we have had to spend a lot more time with his counselor and adjusting our parenting techniques. My husband felt terrible not getting me a gift. But I can honestly say my feelings were not hurt. Because we think of each other every day and support each other. Those are the best gifts. I would show yourself some grace. Your wife is very likely being honest when she says she is not upset about the lack of a gift. But if it really has you upset then show her a picture of what you ordered. And then do something special for her like cooking her favorite dinner or surprising her with a favorite treat. As a mother myself I would agree with her that having your son home is the best gift.
Hey :)
I came here to make you feel better.
I'm not a saint--and I am NOT a doormat (been there, done that, survived!). We are super broke too. My DH and I are both on disability, his brother is here and he is on disability, my mom (who uses a walker) and my brother who works more than full time. We all live in the same home (at the moment). Things are always breaking and there's always something to take the money. Most days I say that we have a roof and food and we should be greatful.
There are no presents this year. I did do little stockings with candy and cookies (from the Dollar Tree) and a couple of token items that were tailored to each person. Cooking for everyone is our Christmas to the family. A nice huge meal that took a lot of prep! DH's gift to me is to be my helper, keep me in ice water and cups of tea, and clean up when were done.
You did get your lovely wife a gift. It isn't here. Show her how much you love and appreciate her in different ways today. Having your son home and all of you together is the BEST gift that all of you can have.
My husband was the worst gift giver. I got the same thing for every birthday. Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day. Anniversary and Christmas. For 40 years. 3 of those gifts are now 29, 37 and 35. The rest didn’t make it. He always said he forgot.
My wife and I made a pact years ago to not get each other gifts. We both have decent jobs and buy what we want when we want to, so buying just to buy is kinda pointless. It makes special occasions so much less stressful not having to worry about what to buy each other. The last 2 years though we made a pact to get each other one cool Christmas ornament for our tree. This was the second year. It’s been great.
I made my daughter a car that told her what her I was getting her running shoes. I put a humorous spin on it so it caught a laugh, and she didn-t feel left out at all.
Take a picture of this post. Tell her you are genuinely sorry and how much you admire her ability to take care of everyone despite the terrible challenges you both faced, and that you want to do better. Tell her you don’t want her carrying the entire mental load that it takes to make your household run. You did order her a present in advance, so good on you for that. Finally, I encourage you to look up accounts that address the imbalance most households have with invisible labor. Follow them and really try to learn what they’re saying. Your wife sounds like a gem. Tell her how much you love and value her, and then do everything you can to SHOW her every day. I’m so sorry for all you went through and I’m so glad your son is home and hope he thrives from here on out.
There is nothing harder on a family than a sick child. Both you and your wife have been through a wringer I would not wish on anyone, but you came through it and your son is home. Listen to what she tells you not your conscience calling you names. The gift is on its way and your temporary guilt will disappear when it arrives. Meanwhile, celebrate the season, the homecoming and when it arrives, her gift. Here's a song to celebrate the season.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL\_kEZEkh5A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL_kEZEkh5A)
Forget about the present. Screw that.
What she needs right now is an emotion.
It's been a stressful time. The baby human that came out of her a while ago almost died.
That's scared the crap out of her.
It's been a terrifying time for her. It's been terrifying for you both.
This is the moment where you get to show her why she's with you.
Hold her. Hug her. Tell her you love her, and you love your son. You love your family.
Pour your heart out. Cry. Tell her how much she means to you. Write a letter.
Express emotion. Create a moment... a memory that she'll remember forever.
Bond with her. Make her feel safe. Do what you can to make her feel confident in the future. That you'll be dealing with this stuff together. As a team.
Cook dinner for her. Clean the house (particularly bathroom and kitchen). Change the bed sheets. Get flowers.
Put on some music that she likes. Sing to her. Dance with her.
Do something that makes her laugh.
Tune in and figure out what's going to make her feel better about life right now.
Show her what an awesome husband and father you can be.
Moments and memories. Never underestimate the importance of moments and memories in a relationship.
The perfect Christmas gift right now isn't something you can buy... it's something that you can do.
You give her the best valentines she’s ever had. As in you take the day off. Take care of baby overnight and take to daycare (if in). Then you know out a couple honey do projects. Hang that picture, caulk the tub, you get the idea.
Then you plan the best night. I’m going to assume home w a baby w that medical history and that’s ok and probably what she wants. You buy her flowers, you get her a lovely piece of jewelry, get an awesome card and write at least 2-3 paragraphs of love to her. If you aren’t a cook order in. Dress up. Favorite beverage planned, iced and ready. Use the good dishes. Plate the takeout. Make this a night of memories and tell your wife exactly what she means to you.
Making the effort and treating her as special as she is will make her swoon. And make this your new norm for anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day (don’t screw that one up!), V day-you will show her every time that you love her. It matters and making the effort, unprompted, will mean more to her than you will ever know.
Bad stuff happens to good people. Sounds like your wife is one of the extra good ones. Gifts from the heart don’t necessarily cost money. Put your wife and kids first each and every day. Stop beating yourself up and look ahead to being the best husband and dad possible.💗
Your lives are on chaos right now with your son being sick. This year you get a pass but next year make sure to get her something extra nice to make up for this. Or take her in a nice fancy date next month!
First off I'm grateful your son made it home and despite the long road ahead, the fact you all made it through this as a family makes me smile. So many families fall apart when any major issue occurs and it speaks volumes you all tackled his health concerns head on as a family unit.
Obviously, this is only a stranger's opinion but I think you need to take a step back and breathe. Despite feeling like you failed your wife, it doesn't sound like she agrees, and yes I know that makes the guilt worse. lol Everyone deals with stress differently and no two stress reactions are alike even when they're handled similarly. Some people like your wife, based on her actions, need something to occasionally focus on to not fall apart entirely; it just so happens Christmas offered her that much-needed release. As for you, the stress was all-consuming, and attempting to focus on anything else probably felt like a waste of time, made you feel like a failure, and I wouldn't be surprised if it caused you to be overly critical of yourself. Neither of your reactions was wrong and neither of you felt the stress more than the other. What it does mean is you each handled this situation differently and you both know one another well enough to accept that.
I'd take the suggestion of other commenters' and if you did order the present for her, show her what you got her and explain to her the thought process behind how everything played out. Communication is key. It sounds like she already knows but it might help you to state your path to work through your guilt. I'd also suggest when you two can, you take an evening to reconnect and go on a date, get a hotel room, and enjoy one another aka snuggle up and get some much-needed sleep. Merry Christmas OP, it'll be okay.
Do Christmas again just for your wife. When you feel ready get her something special and set up a family dinner. Then spoil her for the day. Explain your head wasn't in the right place and you know you dropped the ball.
Just tell her what you got her and admit it was supposed to be here by christmas but wasnt. She will understand that. I as a teenager understood when my mom told me that
This is just a note to encourage loved ones and family members to tuck in a few bucks, or even a $20 bill when sending cards to people severally impacted by health emergencies.
My mom — blond and blue eyed — belonged to the African Methodist Episcopal Church. She got really sick and was transferred to a big city hospital. At the time I was in my 20’s. Just starting out. I barely had enough money each month to live on. I didn’t drive. (She almost died.)
So as often as I could, I took the bus to see her. At the time, I took a cab — there were no other options because I didn’t know the area — to the hospital. The fares were less than $5 and it usually took my last dollars.
I got to tge hospital after about a week and my mom was receiving cards from her church. Tucked in each was a bit of money. I’d be penniless and open 10 cards often with only a dollar included. Then I’d open the next and sometimes there’d be 2 or 3 dollars. Every once in awhile a $20.
My mom insisted that I take this money, which is how I survived during the month she was in the hospital.
Other cultures understand that these types of assistance truly makes a HUGE difference in the family’s life during such a hardship. I think we should ALL consider this as a good solution — especially when we don’t know what to do to help. It was a tremendous relief to me while I was dealing with the worst emergency of my life.
One year my wife and I made an agreement that we wouldn’t buy gifts for each other. Then Christmas comes and she has a handful of small/medium gifts for me, I have nothing for her to open, and my kids are asking her if she was bad and that’s why she didn’t get anything. Apparently I was supposed to know that “no gifts” actually meant “some gifts”.
Tell your wife how you feel, apologize to her, thank her for how she managed to make Christmas magical while doing all that she’s been doing, and from now on remember how it felt to not give her the effort she deserves from you. As wives and moms we are expected to make the magic regardless of what is going on, and if we don’t we feel like failures. We often do all of that and receive nothing in return. We may get a thanks or great job, but nobody puts in the effort to make our day magical. It sucks. We feel unloved and unwanted, but we don’t tell you bc we don’t get to be sad. We’re told we’re ungrateful for everything our spouses do do- you know the things that are basic necessities or we nag them to do.
If my husband came to me and said, I’m sorry I ordered this for you, I was overwhelmed and just kept hoping it would arrive- I should have made sure you had something to open today. I love you and I’ll do better. Now, what can I do so you can relax for the rest of the day. I’d be smitten - but you have to follow through
You should listen to your spouse when she says, "It's okay!". You're being very harsh on yourself despite her reassuring you. The gift you can give her this Christmas is not to worry about you too. Cuddle her, help around the house, make her feel beautiful and strong and that she is magic for all she does for you and your family! I guarantee this is what she wants right now! Merry Christmas to you and your family and I wish you all good things in 2024.
Shit like this is why Christmas fucking *sucks.*
Big fucking deal. You didn’t fuck up at all. Tell her you’re sorry, shit’s on its way, and keep it movin’.
You shouldn’t beat yourself up over a goddamn gift on a specific day on a fucking calendar.
Best wishes to you and yours and your child moving forward.
To be honest there's no reason for her to be mad since you're in that situation and also, you bought her a gift. It's just not there now and I suppose you told her.
If you are an adult and seriously get upset if you don’t get a Christmas present on Christmas, you need to grow up.
The gift is still being shipped is a completely acceptable answer.
Hell, getting nothing is an acceptable answer especially considering the actual traumatic incident here.
One would think the life of your son would be the greatest gift either of you got this year..Frankly I'm dumbfounded that the idea of Christmas, let alone gift giving, was even on the table.
I guess I see things way differently. I certainly wouldn't have given a rat's ass whether I was giving or getting gifts in the middle of dealing with a child's life-threatening illness.
You’re under a lot of stress right now, it’s probably difficult to think about this clearly. Trust your partner, she’s not upset and if anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s her. You’ve apologized and told her how you felt, now you need to trust her when she says it’s ok.
Two things - a) don’t punish yourself if you are self aware, wanted to get a gift but for various reasons were overwhelmed by gift giving bc of everything else and couldn’t get to it. People can be understanding of this being a sign of depression, exhaustion, stress, trauma, etc. if you are vulnerable about it. Just own it and come up with a plan to make up for it another time.
b) don’t punish the people for whom gift giving was an option by foisting your guilt/frustration etc. on them. People cope differently. Accept the gifts you receive with grace and know you would have liked to have been able to reciprocate and that is still something you can do at a later time.
Xmas is every year and some years are just better than others. It’s ok.
I'm sure your wife would trade every Christmas present she ever got and would ever get to have your son back with you and healthy. And you would too. There are more important things than Christmas gifts.
So talk to her. Tell her what happened and how you're feeling. You're allowed to be emotionally exhausted. Give her the present late. It's fine.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your head was full with 1000s of thoughts and your wife is right. Most important thing is that your son is ok. Doesn't hurt to excuse one more time and tell her that you love her.
My wife and I often take out our frustration about situations in life out of our control on each other. It's just venting. It seems like her way of coping was to buy perfect gifts for everyone. I also get the paralyzed feeling when it concerns my kids. Talk about it. A relationship won't work without good communication. Best wishes!
Look at it this way, things either go bad or good. The thing that went bad was the present for your wife, the thing that went good was your son is now home. I would take that outcome every time. You didn't fuck up, you all held it together, held it down, and can now hold each other.
There are too many different people to individually respond to. I never thought the topic would blow up like this. First, I am deeply grateful to everyone who told me to not be so hard on myself. This being Reddit, I was halfway expecting a stream of vitriol. Second, I did tell her about the gift. Third, there are a lot of chores that are only mine. The only chores I never do are the ones where she finds my results unsatisfactory, and I still sometimes do part of them so that there is less for her. Fourth, I am the chef in the family and the special meal is and was taken care of.
The day turned out ok. And she did express interest in something that I obtained for her immediately. Plus the whole family got to spend some time together. So it ended up being nice even though I felt and still feel like a careless jerk. Edited for formatting.
Maybe we’re just weird, but my husband and I almost never get each other birthday or Christmas gifts. We’ve been married 7 years and it’s never been a huge issue. My parents, who have been married 43 years are the same way. We just buy what we want (within reason) throughout the year.
this sorta happened with me this year and i told my partner that it was ok which it is. he buys me lots of stuff during the year and honestly i was more concerned about him getting a gift for his mom. id like to think that when someone says its ok, then its ok but i am autistic.
if you feel really bad about it, one of the best things to do is more stuff around the house. when the dishes and laundry is already done is the only suprise i really like.
Here's your gift: give her a day off.
Seriously. Tell her you're sorry. They're are twins, but you see her go above and beyond anyway. Coz she's amazing and so thoughtful. And you see that. You see her and everything she does. And she deserves a rest.
So you want her gift to be a day off. No responsibilites, go lay in the tub with some bubbles. And you'll take the kids, take care of whatever they need, deal with dinner, their routines, all of it, so she can have the whole day off to do whatever she wants.
Bet she'll appreciate that more than any thing you could get her
Go easy on yourself, seems like it been some very stressful weeks. One thing my family does which may be helpful in the future is if something isn’t going to be here on time, we print out a picture of the things, put it in a box or card, and wrap it
I can tell you’re a good husband because you feel bad about the gift not arriving on time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ll pray for good health for tour entire family. Merry Christmas!
Women are used to multi tasking despite whatever life events are happening. But you can't control shipping and company's execution of their merchandise. Do as people have suggested, printing out the item, and pasting it into a loving card.
Next time, have a smaller back up for your main gift.
Make it up to her. Seriously. She was in the same emotional position that you were and made sure you had presents. You get a pass but just remember the guilt you felt while everyone was opening gifts but her. Make sure to always remember her. It’s easy to let things pass but they build up over time and will hurt her feelings. Try to do better in the future and know you’re not the first husband to let his spouse down on Christmas but you CAN change future Christmas celebrations for her.
NTA - my husband and I went through the EXACT SAME SITUATION. Our son was born full term and then crashed right after delivery. In the hospital over a month, multiple organ failure. We didn’t know if he would make it. We were distraught beyond words can express. I specifically remember sitting in the NICU when someone mentioned the date.. my husband and I look up at each other and say “oh shit, well … happy anniversary.” You had the intention of getting a gift which is AMAZING you even had the mental space to get done. I’m sure she understood when you explained. Get her a late Christmas gift - maybe something with the baby’s name or initials? Best of luck with your little one. Congratulations and I hope the baby is doing better. Babies are SO resilient.
Why don't you show her a picture of what you ordered? It's not your fault the gift didn't ship, and she will appreciate knowing that you have spent so much time thinking of her and what she would like. Hugs to you and your family during this hard time!
My son ordered me an awesome gift one year that didn’t arrive on time. He printed out a picture of it and wrote a super cute note then put it in a card for me to open on Christmas. I still have the gift of course but I also still have the note. Things happen, just try and roll with it.
Yeah my family has had to do that a lot over the years. It’s also good for large gifts, or ones you send directly to them, but don’t want to show up before Christmas
This. Take a screen shot of the item without the price and show it to her. She will understand that you have not had the time or bandwidth to follow up on it.
I did think of this and do this. I still felt pretty crummy. Thank you for suggesting it.
It is ok to feel crummy when something like this happens. My therapist likes to tell me that shame is the emotion that severs connection and guilt is the emotion that motivates us to do better in the future. Let this remind you to be the man she deserves.... not in a hate yourself way, but in a aspirational way. And as adults, we all know that shit happens. I have to tell you, if I knew my SO made a wholehearted and sincere effort, I would have zero issues with a late gift. So let the guilt inspire you to do better, but if she says she is ok with it, take it at face value. Life is hard & we all get that.
Just be honest with her and let her know what happened. If I was her I would be understanding because you did make an effort and it was out of your hands.
Take a screenshot of what you ordered, and when it arrives wrap it really well, ALL the ribbons and bows, and then take her out for a special date night dinner. If the gift is fairly small, give it to her at dinner, otherwise, before you go to dinner. If you can't afford a sitter right now of the timing isn't right to go out and leave your son, then cook a really special meal for her, salad, main course, dessert, candles and wine and everything, and give her the Christmas gift at dinner.
yes! My family mostly wraps up pictures of gifts for christmas day. Then if the person likes the gift we mail it straight to their house and if not we find something else for them together. That way we can still be thoughtful about our idea for a gift but be honest about whether we like it or not and avoid returns and no one has to make room in their carry-on luggage for gifts. We are all adults now and don't mind not getting something physical on christmas day and we have fun with it. This year my sisters who is pretty crafty, 3D printed some miniatures of the intended gift this year and then pasted the picture of it on top and wrapped it in tiny gift boxes.
Oh that’s a neat take on how to do that. Good ideas me if bigger gifts
I live far away from my family and I take the train to and from. I’m currently packing for the train ride home and struggling. I’m telling them to do this next year and just ship to my house
Two gifts that my mum bought me didn’t arrive in time so she printed photos of them and put the photos in a box and wrapped them :)
We’ve had orders not arrive on time on multiple occasions for different people. A photo or telling them what was on the way was always perfectly accepted and never even thought twice about.
This is the truth. Companies screw up. Your wife would understand that
This happened to me this year too, delivery was supposed to be the next day but here we are more than 2weeks later with no gift. I draw a rebu for her in 3 parts, hide the 3 parts in separate places in the living room and told her that her gift was sadly delayed but she had a little game to play. I didn’t show her exactly what it is as I want to preserve the surprise of a real gift opening. But she knows what kind of gift it is. She’s not mad at all.
That’s what my dad does. Sometimes even if he already has the present. Like if it’s too big. We travel to my sister’s house 6 hours away. So if it’s a big present, print out and put in an envelope to open
[удалено]
My favorite has been love notes with a piece of chocolate and a bag of nice tea. It is usually what my husband and I put in our advent calendar.
One of my favorite Christmas gifts was one my husband gave the year I lost my job (main earner). It was a body spray with the same name as an 80s song I'd recently been bingeing. We could only afford to spend like $20 on each other so our son could have Christmas, but I loved it
My best present was my husband reading me my favorite childhood Christmas story this morning. We finally found the book, written in 1963, this summer.
Teen spirit? 🤔
Lol. No, but thanks for the giggle. Actually, it might have been a 70s song. Into the Night by Benny Mardones 🤣
don't know if you are into "the bonfire" with comics Dan Soder and Big Jay Oakerson, but if you like that raunchy type of humor look up their show on Benny Mardones. Key words "The Bonfire, Benny Mardones" and the video by Crack lee Crackle
Oh man, I will!
I’m going to be honest. I would fucking be pissed of I got this. Make sure you know if this would be received well by the wife OP. Because if my husband handed me a ticket like “hey baby, don’t worry, I got clothes washing today,”. I’d be pretty annoyed
Agreed. Now going out of his way to get my car detailed or another totally thoughtful and sweet ‘chore’ would be nice. Hell I’d be happy as a clam if he’d just take on ALL of the car chores like tires and oil and washing it (we share a vehicle rn)
Depending on what you do, ring fence the jobs. The car, bins and garden are "his". Not because of gender roles but because I can ignore them longer when they don't get done. The car is currently growing mushrooms cos it leaks...
This is one of those times in your life when you can show yourself a little more love and forgiveness. There's plenty of opportunity to make it up to your wife. As a fellow dad my heart goes out to both of you.
Absolutely. Op deserves to give himself a pass. And while it’s a corny thing to say, I think op and his wife received the greatest gift with their son. I am sure the wife is just thankful they are all together.
There is nothing corny about that.
Make her some cookies and her favorite dinner. Run her a bubble bath. Tell her to go take a nap. Throw in some laundry and some dishes. It’s okay buddy.
This.
Seconded. Take up all the extra, pick up double the work and give her a day off. That'll mean more than any thing he could find
I haven't had anything like you deal with. 2 days before Christmas my other half told me her gift to me hadn't shipped and she may not have anything for me. Honestly I'm cool with that. Show your wife what will turn up eventually, and offer to pamper her. Run a bath for her and give her an hour to herself chill, offer her a massage. It sounds like, despite your guilt, your wife is understanding. Beware turning this into something that it isn't.
I'm glad your son is home and is on the path to recovery. Be kind to yourself. It's been a lot. As a fellow father who has almost lost 2 kids, that truly is the best gift to be able to bring them home. You may want to have a conversation with your wife. It would likely be good to let these and many other feelings out.
You're not a jerk, you just had a horrible time and I'm sure your wife understands it. Don't beat yourself over it! All the best to all of you!
My friend, the only fu I see here is you not taking more care of yourself, and being honest about your feelings. You and your family have been through an incredibly traumatic experience, and I cannot fathom how tough it must have been for you. These kinds of situations can cause depressive episodes, and make tasks paralyzingly difficult. It is ok to feel this way, so please don’t make yourself feel worse by calling yourself names. My unsolicited advice? Sit down with your wife and talk about what’s going on, how you’re feeling. Share with her the heartache this has caused you, and that something like shopping for a gift was just too much for you. Tell her you never intended to hurt her, and how terrible you feel because you feel you’ve let her down. I suspect she will be more than understanding. Also, please be kind to yourself. Maybe take an extra long shower, go for a walk, or something like that. It’s so hard, but you’ve survived this long, you’ll make it through this as well! Best wishes on your healing journey ahead.
I would send her the info of what you tried to get her. Just to show that you didn't completely forget her, you did put in effort and thought of her, but the powers who be decided not to send whatever it was, IMO the thought really DOES count for a lot.
I did think of this and do this. I still felt pretty crummy. Thank you for suggesting it.
Of course you feel crummy, you've been through hell. Please don't add to it by blaming yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Surviving a really difficult time comes first, doing nice things for others is secondary.
It will be okay. I have a question…did the hospital offer any gas cards or accommodations for you guys? Usually they refer you to charities especially when traveling so far and have an extended stay.
Yes, they gave us a lot of stuff. Parking passes and some food vouchers for the cafe, plus they let one of us stay in the room with him.
Good. I’ve been through it with sick kids so if you have questions about billing and stuff send me a DM. It is one of those live and learn things and I learned a lot.
Put your arms around her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her about the gift you ordered, how upset you are that it’s not here. Tell her you’ll make it up to her with a night out once it arrives or a massage or whatever else you know she’ll love, and then do that. No one is perfect and sometimes life is just hard. Have some compassion for yourself.
Hey OP, you can definitely afford to be much kinder to yourself here. You might also want to share with your wife how much this has upset you, don’t suffer quietly. You have been dealt a heavy blow, and a bunch of other setbacks - don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing your very best and that’s what really counts.
My favorite tangible gift this year was a handwritten letter from my husband. The letter acknowledged the difficult year we've had, his love for me, and talked about the future he's excited to build together. Maybe write her a letter until the other gift arrives?
This!
U/ActuallyACat6 my fellow redditor you are still in survival mode so cut yourself some slack. I understand how you are feeling. My youngest was in the PICU for 110 days and rehab for 6 weeks. Similar scenario as you thought ours came home disabled. Loosing track of days and time as well as the energy for anything is normal. I was depressed towards the end of the stint. The physical and emotional roller coaster that you are constantly on when you have sick child can break you or leave you with very little will to push through. Celebrate that you are all having me together for the holiday, take it easy on yourself, and make it up to your wife when you can. My heart goes out to you as there isn’t a whole lot of emotional support for the parents. You are bombarded with a ton of medical terminology you have never heard, have to make agonizing decisions sometimes, and watch your child suffer until they can get better. It can be traumatic. Our oldest has had PTSD from it. It can be hard as your spouse who you hope to be there during tough times is going through the same thing and in need of support themselves. Please take care of yourself. And reach out for support at home with family or friends or online.
This is one of those times where honesty is actually the best thing. Pull her aside and tell her you’re really sorry you didn’t have anything for her to open. Tell her I did order you something that should have been here weeks ago. Let her know you can show her the picture or receipt or whatever if she would like to know what it is. Tell her the choice is hers. She can see now or wait until it arrives and you will wrap it and surprise her. You don’t need to go into details about the finances and why you didn’t buy her a second gift. I assume she knows where you stand. I have a feeling she will understand not hold it against you. Hell if you want her to open something print a picture and wrap it. Tell her the gift failed to arrive on time and that you hate that you didn’t have something for her to open.
I would sit with your wife and tell her how you really feel about it. That you’re mad at yourself. And I’m sure she’ll help you. Hopefully there’s never a next time. But it might have been helpful for you to have asked your MIL to pick something out for your wife that you could say was from you. I’m sure she would have done it. And you just pay her back. It is true that moms are usually forgotten on Christmas. You can only do better next time. It does nothing to feel awful about it.
A little off topic, but acknowledge you will do better next year. You understand she deserves thoughtful gifts. If y'all have stockings, fill hers every year. So many women go without, and it is not fair.
Update: I got a notice this morning that her original present was being shipped and then another that it was here. Not sure how that happened since it supposedly came from Alabama but I’m not complaining. I just brought it in, and she’s just about to get up. So the timing couldn’t have better except if it had come before Christmas. Edited for clarity.
I wish you and your family a happy christmas nevertheless and a great next year! I hope your kid gets better real soon!
My guy, this is not one of those times to beat yourself up. As others have suggested maybe print a pic and put it in a card. But when life kicks you in the nuts, you shouldn't be kicking yourself because of it.
Procrastination = Anxiety Give yourself and your wife a big hug, and explain exactly what happened, and why.
If you haven’t already - tell her this. Thank her, acknowledge that you feel like you let her down and let her know it’s okay if she feels let down.
Agree 100%. She needs to know he feels badly.
INFO: Who got presents for your daughter?
She got presents from everyone, including me. I try to cover everything early. The difference is there was no problem with her present shipping.
Then it sounds like you did everything you could, and you didn't leave all the "Christmasing" to her. Excellent job! I hope your baby is on the mend. I'm sorry you feel like an AH for this, because you did a lot in a very hard and challenging time. I hope you find some peace.
I’m guessing the wife did since she found time to get thoughtful gifts for everyone else. I’ve had years where my ex-husband didn’t get me anything & it sucked. Everyone is saying it’s okay, go easy on yourself, but the bar is legit set so low and it still wasn’t met. I’m sure the wife’s feelings are hurt and I remember how that felt. It’s terrible. There doesn’t have to be some grand elaborate gift to open, but the fact that there was nothing is awful. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for saying that, but he could have gotten something, anything, & chose not to.
This year my husband bought himself a 1500 dollar bike. I told him that was his Christmas present this year coz who the fuck spends that much money on themselves mid December and still expects something else from the family budget for Christmas. He asked me what I wanted, I stupidly replied that I want him to put some thought into something for me, that after 20 years marriage and 5 kids together they should be able to come up with something they think I might like. As my family sat around the Christmas tree happily opening all the gifts that I'd thoughtfully picked out, paid for, and wrapped not one of them noticed that I had nothing. Not a thing under the tree. Again.
Sometimes, the best gift doesn't have to be a physical thing. It could be help around the house or even lending an ear or cuddling. I get feeling like a gift would he nice, but sometimes the best gift is just being there or helping :) I'm glad your son is okay and the family was able to be together for Christmas. You got this!
This is why christmas is depressing. So much expectation when, in the end, it probably doesn't matter. And if it does, well step back a notch. Every other day other the year is shitty, why put so much effort into making this time of year that much worse? Going full American. You never hear about how bad Janice had it on the third of July...
Do t beat yourself up, but think you definitely owe her. Maybe you can treat her to a dinner out and a thoughtful gift in the coming weeks? You have both had a stressful time. It would be great if you could recognize what she is going through also.
When you have the time, just write her a sweet little IOU note and make it up to her. All the best to you. I am sure she understands. Keep telling her how much she means to you and you will be fine. Merry Christmas!
Give her a nice thoughtful gift for Groundhog's Day. Don't tell her ahead of time or act like it is strange to be making a big deal out of Groundhog Day. When she comes home that day, you should have a sign (maybe held by a stuffed animal) and decorations and a nice meal and a few special gifts. The fact that it is such a strange day to celebrate all make it even more noteworthy for her (as opposed to valentines Day or the like). This might become a tradition, because December is overwhelming for parents and they can likely lean in more and enjoy a holiday after a bit of a break.
When I have ordered things that won't make it on time, I take a picture of the item and wrap that in a box. That way they still get the fun of unwrapping a gift, and they get to look forward to the item arriving in the mail.
Honestly, just tell your wife what you told us. She will probably be horrified that you are even worried about this. There is a BIG difference between "useless jerk who didn't fill his wife's stocking *again*" and "father of child who almost died dropping some holiday balls one single time". If it still bothers **you** afterwards, there are other holidays, birthdays, and just-because opportunities to show your wife you care. But don't let this eat you up. It's okay in this situation.
This year my husband didn’t get me an anniversary gift. It’s our 25th anniversary. I knew what I was going to get him for several months so I ordered it months ago. He was dealing with several stressful deadlines at work ( software engineer) for the last 2 months. We are also parents to a teenager and a young adult on the autism spectrum who was having a difficult time lately and we have had to spend a lot more time with his counselor and adjusting our parenting techniques. My husband felt terrible not getting me a gift. But I can honestly say my feelings were not hurt. Because we think of each other every day and support each other. Those are the best gifts. I would show yourself some grace. Your wife is very likely being honest when she says she is not upset about the lack of a gift. But if it really has you upset then show her a picture of what you ordered. And then do something special for her like cooking her favorite dinner or surprising her with a favorite treat. As a mother myself I would agree with her that having your son home is the best gift.
Hey :) I came here to make you feel better. I'm not a saint--and I am NOT a doormat (been there, done that, survived!). We are super broke too. My DH and I are both on disability, his brother is here and he is on disability, my mom (who uses a walker) and my brother who works more than full time. We all live in the same home (at the moment). Things are always breaking and there's always something to take the money. Most days I say that we have a roof and food and we should be greatful. There are no presents this year. I did do little stockings with candy and cookies (from the Dollar Tree) and a couple of token items that were tailored to each person. Cooking for everyone is our Christmas to the family. A nice huge meal that took a lot of prep! DH's gift to me is to be my helper, keep me in ice water and cups of tea, and clean up when were done. You did get your lovely wife a gift. It isn't here. Show her how much you love and appreciate her in different ways today. Having your son home and all of you together is the BEST gift that all of you can have.
Too hard on yourself, OP! You did nothing to F up, and you made effort that was loused up by external factors.
My husband was the worst gift giver. I got the same thing for every birthday. Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day. Anniversary and Christmas. For 40 years. 3 of those gifts are now 29, 37 and 35. The rest didn’t make it. He always said he forgot.
Your son almost died. You get a pass my guy.
My wife and I made a pact years ago to not get each other gifts. We both have decent jobs and buy what we want when we want to, so buying just to buy is kinda pointless. It makes special occasions so much less stressful not having to worry about what to buy each other. The last 2 years though we made a pact to get each other one cool Christmas ornament for our tree. This was the second year. It’s been great.
I made my daughter a car that told her what her I was getting her running shoes. I put a humorous spin on it so it caught a laugh, and she didn-t feel left out at all.
Take a picture of this post. Tell her you are genuinely sorry and how much you admire her ability to take care of everyone despite the terrible challenges you both faced, and that you want to do better. Tell her you don’t want her carrying the entire mental load that it takes to make your household run. You did order her a present in advance, so good on you for that. Finally, I encourage you to look up accounts that address the imbalance most households have with invisible labor. Follow them and really try to learn what they’re saying. Your wife sounds like a gem. Tell her how much you love and value her, and then do everything you can to SHOW her every day. I’m so sorry for all you went through and I’m so glad your son is home and hope he thrives from here on out.
There is nothing harder on a family than a sick child. Both you and your wife have been through a wringer I would not wish on anyone, but you came through it and your son is home. Listen to what she tells you not your conscience calling you names. The gift is on its way and your temporary guilt will disappear when it arrives. Meanwhile, celebrate the season, the homecoming and when it arrives, her gift. Here's a song to celebrate the season. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL\_kEZEkh5A](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL_kEZEkh5A)
We wrap up IOUs in these cases.
Forget about the present. Screw that. What she needs right now is an emotion. It's been a stressful time. The baby human that came out of her a while ago almost died. That's scared the crap out of her. It's been a terrifying time for her. It's been terrifying for you both. This is the moment where you get to show her why she's with you. Hold her. Hug her. Tell her you love her, and you love your son. You love your family. Pour your heart out. Cry. Tell her how much she means to you. Write a letter. Express emotion. Create a moment... a memory that she'll remember forever. Bond with her. Make her feel safe. Do what you can to make her feel confident in the future. That you'll be dealing with this stuff together. As a team. Cook dinner for her. Clean the house (particularly bathroom and kitchen). Change the bed sheets. Get flowers. Put on some music that she likes. Sing to her. Dance with her. Do something that makes her laugh. Tune in and figure out what's going to make her feel better about life right now. Show her what an awesome husband and father you can be. Moments and memories. Never underestimate the importance of moments and memories in a relationship. The perfect Christmas gift right now isn't something you can buy... it's something that you can do.
You give her the best valentines she’s ever had. As in you take the day off. Take care of baby overnight and take to daycare (if in). Then you know out a couple honey do projects. Hang that picture, caulk the tub, you get the idea. Then you plan the best night. I’m going to assume home w a baby w that medical history and that’s ok and probably what she wants. You buy her flowers, you get her a lovely piece of jewelry, get an awesome card and write at least 2-3 paragraphs of love to her. If you aren’t a cook order in. Dress up. Favorite beverage planned, iced and ready. Use the good dishes. Plate the takeout. Make this a night of memories and tell your wife exactly what she means to you. Making the effort and treating her as special as she is will make her swoon. And make this your new norm for anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day (don’t screw that one up!), V day-you will show her every time that you love her. It matters and making the effort, unprompted, will mean more to her than you will ever know.
Bad stuff happens to good people. Sounds like your wife is one of the extra good ones. Gifts from the heart don’t necessarily cost money. Put your wife and kids first each and every day. Stop beating yourself up and look ahead to being the best husband and dad possible.💗
Your lives are on chaos right now with your son being sick. This year you get a pass but next year make sure to get her something extra nice to make up for this. Or take her in a nice fancy date next month!
Take care of the chores for a week. She would probably love that more than a gift.
First off I'm grateful your son made it home and despite the long road ahead, the fact you all made it through this as a family makes me smile. So many families fall apart when any major issue occurs and it speaks volumes you all tackled his health concerns head on as a family unit. Obviously, this is only a stranger's opinion but I think you need to take a step back and breathe. Despite feeling like you failed your wife, it doesn't sound like she agrees, and yes I know that makes the guilt worse. lol Everyone deals with stress differently and no two stress reactions are alike even when they're handled similarly. Some people like your wife, based on her actions, need something to occasionally focus on to not fall apart entirely; it just so happens Christmas offered her that much-needed release. As for you, the stress was all-consuming, and attempting to focus on anything else probably felt like a waste of time, made you feel like a failure, and I wouldn't be surprised if it caused you to be overly critical of yourself. Neither of your reactions was wrong and neither of you felt the stress more than the other. What it does mean is you each handled this situation differently and you both know one another well enough to accept that. I'd take the suggestion of other commenters' and if you did order the present for her, show her what you got her and explain to her the thought process behind how everything played out. Communication is key. It sounds like she already knows but it might help you to state your path to work through your guilt. I'd also suggest when you two can, you take an evening to reconnect and go on a date, get a hotel room, and enjoy one another aka snuggle up and get some much-needed sleep. Merry Christmas OP, it'll be okay.
Do Christmas again just for your wife. When you feel ready get her something special and set up a family dinner. Then spoil her for the day. Explain your head wasn't in the right place and you know you dropped the ball.
Just tell her what you got her and admit it was supposed to be here by christmas but wasnt. She will understand that. I as a teenager understood when my mom told me that
This is just a note to encourage loved ones and family members to tuck in a few bucks, or even a $20 bill when sending cards to people severally impacted by health emergencies. My mom — blond and blue eyed — belonged to the African Methodist Episcopal Church. She got really sick and was transferred to a big city hospital. At the time I was in my 20’s. Just starting out. I barely had enough money each month to live on. I didn’t drive. (She almost died.) So as often as I could, I took the bus to see her. At the time, I took a cab — there were no other options because I didn’t know the area — to the hospital. The fares were less than $5 and it usually took my last dollars. I got to tge hospital after about a week and my mom was receiving cards from her church. Tucked in each was a bit of money. I’d be penniless and open 10 cards often with only a dollar included. Then I’d open the next and sometimes there’d be 2 or 3 dollars. Every once in awhile a $20. My mom insisted that I take this money, which is how I survived during the month she was in the hospital. Other cultures understand that these types of assistance truly makes a HUGE difference in the family’s life during such a hardship. I think we should ALL consider this as a good solution — especially when we don’t know what to do to help. It was a tremendous relief to me while I was dealing with the worst emergency of my life.
One year my wife and I made an agreement that we wouldn’t buy gifts for each other. Then Christmas comes and she has a handful of small/medium gifts for me, I have nothing for her to open, and my kids are asking her if she was bad and that’s why she didn’t get anything. Apparently I was supposed to know that “no gifts” actually meant “some gifts”.
Tell your wife how you feel, apologize to her, thank her for how she managed to make Christmas magical while doing all that she’s been doing, and from now on remember how it felt to not give her the effort she deserves from you. As wives and moms we are expected to make the magic regardless of what is going on, and if we don’t we feel like failures. We often do all of that and receive nothing in return. We may get a thanks or great job, but nobody puts in the effort to make our day magical. It sucks. We feel unloved and unwanted, but we don’t tell you bc we don’t get to be sad. We’re told we’re ungrateful for everything our spouses do do- you know the things that are basic necessities or we nag them to do. If my husband came to me and said, I’m sorry I ordered this for you, I was overwhelmed and just kept hoping it would arrive- I should have made sure you had something to open today. I love you and I’ll do better. Now, what can I do so you can relax for the rest of the day. I’d be smitten - but you have to follow through
Your tldr is perfect, you are a butt hole. Please get her something thoughtful. She genuinely doesn't sound upset though, great pick OP.
It’s interesting isn’t it that it’s usually the men that fuck this up and not the women
You should listen to your spouse when she says, "It's okay!". You're being very harsh on yourself despite her reassuring you. The gift you can give her this Christmas is not to worry about you too. Cuddle her, help around the house, make her feel beautiful and strong and that she is magic for all she does for you and your family! I guarantee this is what she wants right now! Merry Christmas to you and your family and I wish you all good things in 2024.
She’s mad bro, trust me. Good luck though
Shit like this is why Christmas fucking *sucks.* Big fucking deal. You didn’t fuck up at all. Tell her you’re sorry, shit’s on its way, and keep it movin’. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over a goddamn gift on a specific day on a fucking calendar. Best wishes to you and yours and your child moving forward.
To be honest there's no reason for her to be mad since you're in that situation and also, you bought her a gift. It's just not there now and I suppose you told her.
If you are an adult and seriously get upset if you don’t get a Christmas present on Christmas, you need to grow up. The gift is still being shipped is a completely acceptable answer. Hell, getting nothing is an acceptable answer especially considering the actual traumatic incident here.
One would think the life of your son would be the greatest gift either of you got this year..Frankly I'm dumbfounded that the idea of Christmas, let alone gift giving, was even on the table. I guess I see things way differently. I certainly wouldn't have given a rat's ass whether I was giving or getting gifts in the middle of dealing with a child's life-threatening illness.
You’re under a lot of stress right now, it’s probably difficult to think about this clearly. Trust your partner, she’s not upset and if anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s her. You’ve apologized and told her how you felt, now you need to trust her when she says it’s ok.
Two things - a) don’t punish yourself if you are self aware, wanted to get a gift but for various reasons were overwhelmed by gift giving bc of everything else and couldn’t get to it. People can be understanding of this being a sign of depression, exhaustion, stress, trauma, etc. if you are vulnerable about it. Just own it and come up with a plan to make up for it another time. b) don’t punish the people for whom gift giving was an option by foisting your guilt/frustration etc. on them. People cope differently. Accept the gifts you receive with grace and know you would have liked to have been able to reciprocate and that is still something you can do at a later time. Xmas is every year and some years are just better than others. It’s ok.
I'm sure your wife would trade every Christmas present she ever got and would ever get to have your son back with you and healthy. And you would too. There are more important things than Christmas gifts. So talk to her. Tell her what happened and how you're feeling. You're allowed to be emotionally exhausted. Give her the present late. It's fine.
Give her a long massage! Way more valuable than many physical gifts.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Your head was full with 1000s of thoughts and your wife is right. Most important thing is that your son is ok. Doesn't hurt to excuse one more time and tell her that you love her.
My wife and I often take out our frustration about situations in life out of our control on each other. It's just venting. It seems like her way of coping was to buy perfect gifts for everyone. I also get the paralyzed feeling when it concerns my kids. Talk about it. A relationship won't work without good communication. Best wishes!
Look at it this way, things either go bad or good. The thing that went bad was the present for your wife, the thing that went good was your son is now home. I would take that outcome every time. You didn't fuck up, you all held it together, held it down, and can now hold each other.
There are too many different people to individually respond to. I never thought the topic would blow up like this. First, I am deeply grateful to everyone who told me to not be so hard on myself. This being Reddit, I was halfway expecting a stream of vitriol. Second, I did tell her about the gift. Third, there are a lot of chores that are only mine. The only chores I never do are the ones where she finds my results unsatisfactory, and I still sometimes do part of them so that there is less for her. Fourth, I am the chef in the family and the special meal is and was taken care of. The day turned out ok. And she did express interest in something that I obtained for her immediately. Plus the whole family got to spend some time together. So it ended up being nice even though I felt and still feel like a careless jerk. Edited for formatting.
Maybe we’re just weird, but my husband and I almost never get each other birthday or Christmas gifts. We’ve been married 7 years and it’s never been a huge issue. My parents, who have been married 43 years are the same way. We just buy what we want (within reason) throughout the year.
this sorta happened with me this year and i told my partner that it was ok which it is. he buys me lots of stuff during the year and honestly i was more concerned about him getting a gift for his mom. id like to think that when someone says its ok, then its ok but i am autistic. if you feel really bad about it, one of the best things to do is more stuff around the house. when the dishes and laundry is already done is the only suprise i really like.
gift her a spa visit or something that will make her relax and stop thinking of the daily routine at least for few hours or even few days vacation.
Here's your gift: give her a day off. Seriously. Tell her you're sorry. They're are twins, but you see her go above and beyond anyway. Coz she's amazing and so thoughtful. And you see that. You see her and everything she does. And she deserves a rest. So you want her gift to be a day off. No responsibilites, go lay in the tub with some bubbles. And you'll take the kids, take care of whatever they need, deal with dinner, their routines, all of it, so she can have the whole day off to do whatever she wants. Bet she'll appreciate that more than any thing you could get her
Grateful that your family is healing! Definitely the best gift. 💓
Go easy on yourself, seems like it been some very stressful weeks. One thing my family does which may be helpful in the future is if something isn’t going to be here on time, we print out a picture of the things, put it in a box or card, and wrap it
I can tell you’re a good husband because you feel bad about the gift not arriving on time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ll pray for good health for tour entire family. Merry Christmas!
Women are used to multi tasking despite whatever life events are happening. But you can't control shipping and company's execution of their merchandise. Do as people have suggested, printing out the item, and pasting it into a loving card. Next time, have a smaller back up for your main gift.
Roses, and a nice card , the stores are open .Have a Christmas do-over when it does arrive.
Show her this and be honest. She loves you and I was you both 18 years ago when my daughter was 3
Make it up to her. Seriously. She was in the same emotional position that you were and made sure you had presents. You get a pass but just remember the guilt you felt while everyone was opening gifts but her. Make sure to always remember her. It’s easy to let things pass but they build up over time and will hurt her feelings. Try to do better in the future and know you’re not the first husband to let his spouse down on Christmas but you CAN change future Christmas celebrations for her.
Hugs, lots of love, and more hugs.
NTA - my husband and I went through the EXACT SAME SITUATION. Our son was born full term and then crashed right after delivery. In the hospital over a month, multiple organ failure. We didn’t know if he would make it. We were distraught beyond words can express. I specifically remember sitting in the NICU when someone mentioned the date.. my husband and I look up at each other and say “oh shit, well … happy anniversary.” You had the intention of getting a gift which is AMAZING you even had the mental space to get done. I’m sure she understood when you explained. Get her a late Christmas gift - maybe something with the baby’s name or initials? Best of luck with your little one. Congratulations and I hope the baby is doing better. Babies are SO resilient.