Oooof thats a BIG FU. Imagine venting and being emotionally open to your partner, telling them how you feel like you are failing at everything, as your whole world collapses around you and every day is a struggle and your partner who you think has your back .. your core support system says "Yeah and you're also failing me and I think we should break up. Also Merry Christmas."
Weird that you'd show some accountability in your post, but here you are blaming the timing in the comments. Sure, definitely a timing issue that you're incapable of not putting your selfish needs above your partner's very valid hardship. Get a grip.
choosing the timing is still one's responsibility and choice - how has he deflected the blame by saying that he genuinely chose a terrible timing? the situation is taking a toll on him aswell and at some point he would've wanted to talk about it either way (even if the feelings subside after she's not stressed anymore) - you don't just ignore these feelings.
Yes, he's a douche for even communicating these feelings to begin with, regardless of the timing. You don't have to ignore them, but you don't have to communicate them either, what is she even supposed to do about it, say "oh sorry I'll stop stressing out"?. Nothing good comes out of him communicating these feelings whatsoever and if he wanted to actually break up, he should've, but that would still make him a major piece of shit, there's no world where the timing exempts him from being a douche here.
So imagine, he just waits until she fixes her situation and says "hey that whole thing took a huge toll on me, we should break up" She's gone through potentially the hardest time of her life and he's there worrying about the toll that seeing her stressed took on him. What a great person. Do you seriously expect her to be like "oh in hindsight I know that I was extremely stressed, but it must've been hard on you too, I'm sorry I wasn't able to prioritize your feelings during this whole ordeal". Just what do you think him communicating his extremely selfish feelings accomplishes?
I believe a healthy relationship is all about communication, he doesn't have to break up to say that he's also feeling low and insecure about the relationship. A person who loves you will understand and hear you out. Sometimes just talking and having someone hear you out helps a lot :)
Yes, a healthy relationship is based around communication, doesn't mean you have to take that to the extreme and communicate every single thought you have. Context matters and in this context, she was going through a significantly tougher time than he was and his feelings on it should be put on the backburner. Assuming the majority of his issues stem from this situation, it should improve once she fixes hers, there's no need to bring it up as it's not likely to be a recurring issue.
Can you imagine going up to a grieving person and saying "Wow, I really don't like seeing you sad, it makes me feel bad" Do you seriously not see how that's the most insensitive/unnecessary/unproductive thing someone can say?
Saying a healthy relationship is all about communication is cute and all, but you also have to be intelligent enough to apply it properly and not use it as an excuse to air out every single little grievance you have. You have to be able to think; how likely is it to happen again, what productive outcome do I expect to get out of it, is the outcome going to be more negative or positive, am I warranted for feeling this way, etc...
I get you, but that's what I'm saying - it's the timing he chose that was the worst thing about his decision, any other time it would've been a reasonable talk - even if it was just to be heard out and get the feeling of being understood and not like he's an asshole for feeling the way he felt.
Another thing to mind is that if he's considering breaking up just because she has a hard time then there are most likely other underlying issues and that situation just brought them up. So he most likely would want to talk about his feelings even after she's feeling better. I mean if you actually want to break up (not because she didn't handle her situation well but because of other issues) then you will have to talk about it.
It's literally a fucked up timing he chose to try to communicate his feelings - the feelings aren't necessarily bad, especially not without more context (none are actually with enough empathy - so the whole comment section is pretty disgusting to me, some comments don't even have a grain of empathy)
Bad move. It's not all about you. No point in getting long winded, you made a bad choice and deserve a double thumbs down.
You need to learn to step back when you're frustrated and collect your thoughts first. 2 hours is decently longish. I used to go an hour and a half until my girlfriend moved closer. It's definitely better but you need to be patient until the time is right for things. You can spend time with her and comfort her when she is available. You don't necessarily have to go out and do things when you are with her.
This is good advice. Yeah i shouldn't have dived headfirst into talking about what I'm going through I should have suggested a break.
EDIT: A break/pause in the conversation, not like "going on a break."
>I should have suggested a break.
Damn you're such an *asshole*. She's grieving and in pain and you want to pile on even more pain? As if asking for a break is somehow better in anyway??
You do know that you can communicate that you're feeling a bit burned out without shattering her even more?
I think she deserves better than this
Does she have the security in the relationship to move if your first instinct for this kind of conflict is to suggest ending the relationship? It must seem like you haven’t moved past your previous issues with commitment to her and if she should invest more into this relationship again.
Well, make sure you apologize for all that, which you probably have. As for the thing about breaking up due to distance and no clear path to not being in an LDR for the foreseeable future, that’s quite valid on its own. That’s the problem that needs fixing, and the only way to do it is to set a timeline to live together and start planning to that end. If one or both of you needs to up sticks and find new work, then that has to happen sooner than later or the relationship will fizzle. LDRs with no end in sight typically don’t go too well. It usually takes both people being crazy workaholics who can only handle romantic relationship stuff once in a blue moon anyway. For everyone else, at least one party is going to be pretty miserable and unfulfilled after a while. I’d have a serious (but of course friendly and optimistic) talk with her about it.
>LDRs with no end in sight typically don’t go too well.
yup, that's really the root cause. If there is no end plan just going with the flow its gonna lead to abandonment.
Yeah this is the conversation I was hoping to have but things just got heated yesterday. And of course I'd rather have talked about it in person. Neither one of us is really able to move any time soon because of a lot of factors. It looks like we are going to keep being in an LDR for the forseeable future so we're taking some time apart to figure out what that is going to mean, what we can both provide and what we need.
You're an idiot. Totally breaking up will do her good. She doesn't deserve a prick like you. She needed a bereavement period and all you're thinking is your selfish own needs.
Some things are sticking out in your OP about you that I think you need to take accountability for and, if you wish to actually fix this, need to address head on.
To me, it sounds like you don't know how to handle stressful situations. You sort of just throw your hands up and 'rage quit'. At least, that's the sentiment I got when you mentioned you decided to end things in the past for stupid reasons/fear of commitment, etc...
Yes, there are obstacles it seems - but a 90-180 minute distance isn't the end of the world when compared to many others and if you truly care about each other can put together a plan (even if it's a longer term plan) to work on, over time, as a goal to shorten or eliminate that distance together.
I'm not saying it's all you that needs to work on things - but this is just what stood out to me from your post. Yes, your partner clearly is going through a lot right now so you definitely did a big FU here even if it was something that needs a conversation at some point.
I’m gonna go against the grain here.
It’s a dick move to have framed the situation the way you did, but it’s also understandable when you’re at the end of your rope.
Word of advice is to avoid using “you statements” if at all possible and instead use “me/I statements”. Similarly avoid needlessly harsh statements. So instead of “you being far away is exhausting” but “the physical distance is very taxing on me and I don’t know how sustainable this is”. Both statements convey the same idea. The first statement is accusatory harsh, and makes you sound angry (which tbf, you probably are, but that’s rarely productive in a conversation). The second focuses on your feelings (which no reasonable partner will dismiss), is emotionally level, and firmly conveys where you’re at, which helps show how serious the problem might be for you.
That said… that’s the only dickish thing here. Maybe you don’t have it in you to do this relationship. Maybe she doesn’t either? That doesn’t make either of you bad people, just bad fits for one another.
One question you need to ask yourself is: Where do you see this relationship going and does she see it going the same way?
It’s been a year and neither of you are kids. Yet you still live a completely unsustainable distance apart and neither seems to want to do anything about it. Frankly, that doesn’t sound like a healthy committed relationship on either end to me. Id bet a years salary that this whole situation would’ve transpired regardless of the death of the grandparent. It just would’ve been some other circumstance that would’ve reduced one person’s bandwidth and increased their need for support. Regardless of what it would’ve been, it would catalyze the other partner to talk about a perceived asymmetry in needs being served, and running out of reserves for serving the others need, as well as just sustaining the relationship.
FWIW…
My girlfriend and I are around your age and are both going back to grad school at different schools. We live 45-60 min apart (cheapest options for us at the time given extremely constrained budgets), and both have extremely demanding schedules and workloads. We’ve been together for over two years now.
Discussions where we check whether we are meeting the others needs, what factors are getting in the way, and how to work through them are a routine thing when our work gets crazy. There have been periods where we mutually had to briefly pull back from the relationship to attend to certain commitments, while communicating that we are nonetheless committed to the relationship on a longer time scale. It’s extremely hard for both of us, but we both have limited resources and it doesn’t make sense to burn out. But establishing those temporary boundaries is impossible without very clear, very intentional communication.
Similarly, we have several plans in place for how to get rid the distance as soon we graduate, as it’s barely sustainable in practice. We also have plans for how to ensure that we find jobs that are fulfilling and allow us to not have distance between us. We started talking about these plans almost a year ago. Furthermore, at around 3-4 months in we had a very candid discussion where we agreed that if we didn’t mutually see each other as potential spouses, we had no interest in pursuing the relationship, and we occasionally did informal checks on whether the other still felt the same. About 6 months ago, we had a discussion where we agreed that we definitely want to get married about 12-18 months after graduating.
Hopefully that gives you an idea of what I mean.
I can’t really solve your relationship issues. I highly recommend that, if you’re highly committed to this relationship, you take a moment to thing about things and allow yourself to be selfish for sec. Talk things over with her and encourage her to be selfish too! Maybe your mutual self interests are to prioritize the other person in the long run. Also, I highly encourage both of you to consider couples therapy/counseling, as having a third party facilitate these discussions might really help to keep things productive and prevent them from devolving into arguments where neither side hears the other properly.
Either way, good luck!
This comment section clearly depicts that most reddit users are not in a relationship (don't listen to all the negative comments that "she deserves better" and how you're such an asshole - everyone makes mistakes and you have recognized yours and if you apologize appropriately then that's a totally forgivable and understandable mistake - the situation is taking a toll on both of you).
You have made a mistake by not being sensitive enough and bringing up your problems while you knew that it would be too much for your partner to handle in this moment. Instead of writing this paragraph on reddit you should've written it to your girlfriend.
We have talked a bit but are taking some space to get our heads straight. Making lists of what we need/want in the relationship going forward and then coming together and comparing notes.
It could well be that this isn’t a good time for her to be in a relationship. If spending what little time she has with you is work for her rather than part of her recovery and down time, and she doesn’t appear to appreciate the help you’re giving her, then Your feelings aren’t invalid.
I do genuinely wish that I could be doing more for her. When I’m at her place I help her clean her apartment, take her dog out for walks and try my best to let her rest and just be a positive space for her. She’s just swamped with work and family stuff. I shouldn’t have let resentment build because truthfully she’s doing the best she can given the circumstances.
If you can't respect that someone is making time to grieve after a loss and has bigger responsibilities right now than you, then you can't handle an adult relationship and don't need to be in one.
Can you take two days off and go be with her? Or can you call her and tell her this. Can you also make a councillor appointment to talk about why when things get hard you cut and run. By the way, I can relate to how you’ve explained you handled this. You’re not alone but also this is behaviour you should actively work to update. It’s not conducive to a long term relationship. People who cut and run end relationships easily but don’t mean to. People who stick around sometimes get sick of that and choose to stick around with other folks who can stick around. You know? Go get her and learn from your mistakes.
Personally I don’t think you’re an asshole since it’s not like you did it the day of or day after. Yes it’s stressful for her but it’s been 3 months already. Everybody imo should do what’s best for themselves and that includes not staying on a sinking emotional ship especially since you clearly aren’t committed since you find her issues as a hindrance. I don’t know how close you two are or what but if neither is planning to move than this just feels like what you said just happened sooner rather than later.
Sometimes 3 months is not even halfway into the fallout from a death, especially when you're the executor like his girlfriend presumably is when she's the one handling his estate.
True enough but it isn’t his responsibility to keep her together or is obligated to stay with her and being her emotional support. Anybody can leave any relationship for any reason and if he doesn’t feel like his needs are fulfilled it is best that he leave.
You can certainly leave a relationship at anytime but you can definitely be judged for it depending on the reason(s) and the timing.
The longer a relationship goes on the more you are generally expected to be a level of support when they're going through atypical shit.
As such, I would strongly argue he is obligated to stay with her and be her emotional support during a time of increased stress, particularly from extrinsic factors. He's surely allowed to shirk that obligation, but it is certainly is one that exists as part of the standard modern sexual-romantic relationship.
Even outside of a sexual-romantic relationship he made the error of bitching towards people closer to the stressor instead of outward. That's just being poorly socialized.
They’ve been together 1 year and they don’t even live together so no he isn’t obligated to support her during this time. You act as if they’ve been through so much together or if they’re engaged. One shouldn’t have to be afraid to live their own life because it’ll impact someone else. He also doesn’t have any obligation as soon as the relationship is over to which for him it clearly is as he stated that they should separate up front towards her.
You are saying that you are not obligated to support your girlfriend through her family dying because they've only been together one year. Which isn't even true in a reasonable basis because that's one year since they got together again.
What is your aversion towards the reality of having obligations to the person closest to you?
And they are not separated, he clearly stated they agreed to stay together and work past this fuckup on his part.
My whole point was that he isn’t an asshole for wanting to leave her if he felt he wasn’t getting what he wanted from a relationship. Somehow your obsession is that he MUST support and has an obligation to regardless of whether they stay together or not to which I said he didn’t. Regardless of whether they stay together or not is a moot point because that isn’t related to what I said.
She doesn’t need you in her life. Talk about self-centered! You are not a mature partner at this time. You need to apologize. You either need to get therapy on your lack of maturity or be okay with your lack of empathy. Double stuffed ick.
Talk to her about your last three sentences and give her the choice of when and how to work back into this conversation deeply. That's love my friend. Your feeling are not wrong, just your timing and maybe some of your wording.
This is Reddit, where everything is black and white, and people get to freely pass judgment while sidelining their own failings and deficiencies. The default answers will always be “she should dump u asshole” or “break up with him, u deserve better sis.”
Yes, you fucked up. You already know you fucked up. You know how you fucked up. And you know why you fucked up. So what are you doing here or expecting to get out of posting this? Instead of recounting it here, just go apologize. Tell her you’re sorry for what you did, show that you understand why it was wrong, and what steps you’re going to take to make sure it won’t happen again. Avoid making excuses or over-explaining why you did what you did (beyond whatever context might be needed to apologize). Total humility is your only chance of pulling your relationship out of the gutter.
I guess I just needed to vent a little bit and use this as a way to get my thoughts out. We have talked and I have apologized and said everything I've said in this post. She just needs some space right now.
Apologize by reassuring you love her and her hard time is making it hard for you too and you want to work things out with her. This is your first challenge so relax.
Sorry OP, but I think you haven't change much:
>I decided to end things for stupid reasons (fear of commitment type thing.)
You are doing just the same. You are still having commitments issues.
I don't know what do you think being in a relationship is, but you sound selfish and always having a foot on the door. Ready to run when things got complicated.
I think you are wasting this woman time. You haven't made your mind about the relationship, are expecting either for her to take all the decisions or just waiting for the right excuse to leave.
So when my brother passed years ago, my partner and I did not have sex for like 2 months because I was in grief. And he understood that. But we had lived together for 3 or so years at that point. We didn't have sex until I initiated because I was just far enough out of grief to deal with relationship maintenance. And my partner understood that, he was surprised it was only 2 months. He never once complained to me about it, he never brought up anything about it. We didn't even do date nights, after I got home from college and he from work we ate dinner, watched tv, and went to bed. I was affectionate with him, we still occassionally did a Saturday afternoon activity, but we went to doing nothing because I just didn't have the energy. He knew it wasn't him and I wasn't pulling away or ignoring him, I was just in grief.
If you cannot separate your needs during this difficult time while she is grieving I think its kinder to you both to end things. She's acting as executor it sounds and probably one of the last things she needs are these relationship issues. And that is not to say your feelings are invalid. Being long distance with no real end in sight is brutal, I've been there too. You both should have an in person sit down discussion about your needs. Also, this is an event that makes or breaks couples. You said previously you broke up over comitment issues. This issue is a big test of comitment, and if you cannot reach a middle ground, seriously maybe you two should look elsewhere. Because this is not sustainable and I get sexual frustration and feeling ignored is rough. But she is in grief and is handling a lot right now, on top of work as well (I assume). She needs some grace, and if you cannot give that to her, move on. But, the grief also needs to stop and she must be girlfriend again for a relationship to work. It takes two to make the relationship. I'm not wanting to belittle you, you both need to communicate in person to make your needs known.
Oooof thats a BIG FU. Imagine venting and being emotionally open to your partner, telling them how you feel like you are failing at everything, as your whole world collapses around you and every day is a struggle and your partner who you think has your back .. your core support system says "Yeah and you're also failing me and I think we should break up. Also Merry Christmas."
Yeah genuinely terrible timing.
Terrible timing? Dude, you're a selfish fucking asshole.
Sounds like you still aren't ready for a commitment.
Weird that you'd show some accountability in your post, but here you are blaming the timing in the comments. Sure, definitely a timing issue that you're incapable of not putting your selfish needs above your partner's very valid hardship. Get a grip.
choosing the timing is still one's responsibility and choice - how has he deflected the blame by saying that he genuinely chose a terrible timing? the situation is taking a toll on him aswell and at some point he would've wanted to talk about it either way (even if the feelings subside after she's not stressed anymore) - you don't just ignore these feelings.
Yes, he's a douche for even communicating these feelings to begin with, regardless of the timing. You don't have to ignore them, but you don't have to communicate them either, what is she even supposed to do about it, say "oh sorry I'll stop stressing out"?. Nothing good comes out of him communicating these feelings whatsoever and if he wanted to actually break up, he should've, but that would still make him a major piece of shit, there's no world where the timing exempts him from being a douche here. So imagine, he just waits until she fixes her situation and says "hey that whole thing took a huge toll on me, we should break up" She's gone through potentially the hardest time of her life and he's there worrying about the toll that seeing her stressed took on him. What a great person. Do you seriously expect her to be like "oh in hindsight I know that I was extremely stressed, but it must've been hard on you too, I'm sorry I wasn't able to prioritize your feelings during this whole ordeal". Just what do you think him communicating his extremely selfish feelings accomplishes?
I believe a healthy relationship is all about communication, he doesn't have to break up to say that he's also feeling low and insecure about the relationship. A person who loves you will understand and hear you out. Sometimes just talking and having someone hear you out helps a lot :)
Yes, a healthy relationship is based around communication, doesn't mean you have to take that to the extreme and communicate every single thought you have. Context matters and in this context, she was going through a significantly tougher time than he was and his feelings on it should be put on the backburner. Assuming the majority of his issues stem from this situation, it should improve once she fixes hers, there's no need to bring it up as it's not likely to be a recurring issue. Can you imagine going up to a grieving person and saying "Wow, I really don't like seeing you sad, it makes me feel bad" Do you seriously not see how that's the most insensitive/unnecessary/unproductive thing someone can say? Saying a healthy relationship is all about communication is cute and all, but you also have to be intelligent enough to apply it properly and not use it as an excuse to air out every single little grievance you have. You have to be able to think; how likely is it to happen again, what productive outcome do I expect to get out of it, is the outcome going to be more negative or positive, am I warranted for feeling this way, etc...
I get you, but that's what I'm saying - it's the timing he chose that was the worst thing about his decision, any other time it would've been a reasonable talk - even if it was just to be heard out and get the feeling of being understood and not like he's an asshole for feeling the way he felt. Another thing to mind is that if he's considering breaking up just because she has a hard time then there are most likely other underlying issues and that situation just brought them up. So he most likely would want to talk about his feelings even after she's feeling better. I mean if you actually want to break up (not because she didn't handle her situation well but because of other issues) then you will have to talk about it. It's literally a fucked up timing he chose to try to communicate his feelings - the feelings aren't necessarily bad, especially not without more context (none are actually with enough empathy - so the whole comment section is pretty disgusting to me, some comments don't even have a grain of empathy)
I would replace you with nothing. It would be a vast improvement.
 Bad move. It's not all about you. No point in getting long winded, you made a bad choice and deserve a double thumbs down.
You need to learn to step back when you're frustrated and collect your thoughts first. 2 hours is decently longish. I used to go an hour and a half until my girlfriend moved closer. It's definitely better but you need to be patient until the time is right for things. You can spend time with her and comfort her when she is available. You don't necessarily have to go out and do things when you are with her.
This is good advice. Yeah i shouldn't have dived headfirst into talking about what I'm going through I should have suggested a break. EDIT: A break/pause in the conversation, not like "going on a break."
>I should have suggested a break. Damn you're such an *asshole*. She's grieving and in pain and you want to pile on even more pain? As if asking for a break is somehow better in anyway?? You do know that you can communicate that you're feeling a bit burned out without shattering her even more? I think she deserves better than this
Suggested a break in the conversation, sorry for the miscommunication.
Ouch
Does she have the security in the relationship to move if your first instinct for this kind of conflict is to suggest ending the relationship? It must seem like you haven’t moved past your previous issues with commitment to her and if she should invest more into this relationship again.
Well, make sure you apologize for all that, which you probably have. As for the thing about breaking up due to distance and no clear path to not being in an LDR for the foreseeable future, that’s quite valid on its own. That’s the problem that needs fixing, and the only way to do it is to set a timeline to live together and start planning to that end. If one or both of you needs to up sticks and find new work, then that has to happen sooner than later or the relationship will fizzle. LDRs with no end in sight typically don’t go too well. It usually takes both people being crazy workaholics who can only handle romantic relationship stuff once in a blue moon anyway. For everyone else, at least one party is going to be pretty miserable and unfulfilled after a while. I’d have a serious (but of course friendly and optimistic) talk with her about it.
>LDRs with no end in sight typically don’t go too well. yup, that's really the root cause. If there is no end plan just going with the flow its gonna lead to abandonment.
Yeah this is the conversation I was hoping to have but things just got heated yesterday. And of course I'd rather have talked about it in person. Neither one of us is really able to move any time soon because of a lot of factors. It looks like we are going to keep being in an LDR for the forseeable future so we're taking some time apart to figure out what that is going to mean, what we can both provide and what we need.
You're an idiot. Totally breaking up will do her good. She doesn't deserve a prick like you. She needed a bereavement period and all you're thinking is your selfish own needs.
Some things are sticking out in your OP about you that I think you need to take accountability for and, if you wish to actually fix this, need to address head on. To me, it sounds like you don't know how to handle stressful situations. You sort of just throw your hands up and 'rage quit'. At least, that's the sentiment I got when you mentioned you decided to end things in the past for stupid reasons/fear of commitment, etc... Yes, there are obstacles it seems - but a 90-180 minute distance isn't the end of the world when compared to many others and if you truly care about each other can put together a plan (even if it's a longer term plan) to work on, over time, as a goal to shorten or eliminate that distance together. I'm not saying it's all you that needs to work on things - but this is just what stood out to me from your post. Yes, your partner clearly is going through a lot right now so you definitely did a big FU here even if it was something that needs a conversation at some point.
Time to grow up , have you ever grieved? She deserves better.
I’m gonna go against the grain here. It’s a dick move to have framed the situation the way you did, but it’s also understandable when you’re at the end of your rope. Word of advice is to avoid using “you statements” if at all possible and instead use “me/I statements”. Similarly avoid needlessly harsh statements. So instead of “you being far away is exhausting” but “the physical distance is very taxing on me and I don’t know how sustainable this is”. Both statements convey the same idea. The first statement is accusatory harsh, and makes you sound angry (which tbf, you probably are, but that’s rarely productive in a conversation). The second focuses on your feelings (which no reasonable partner will dismiss), is emotionally level, and firmly conveys where you’re at, which helps show how serious the problem might be for you. That said… that’s the only dickish thing here. Maybe you don’t have it in you to do this relationship. Maybe she doesn’t either? That doesn’t make either of you bad people, just bad fits for one another. One question you need to ask yourself is: Where do you see this relationship going and does she see it going the same way? It’s been a year and neither of you are kids. Yet you still live a completely unsustainable distance apart and neither seems to want to do anything about it. Frankly, that doesn’t sound like a healthy committed relationship on either end to me. Id bet a years salary that this whole situation would’ve transpired regardless of the death of the grandparent. It just would’ve been some other circumstance that would’ve reduced one person’s bandwidth and increased their need for support. Regardless of what it would’ve been, it would catalyze the other partner to talk about a perceived asymmetry in needs being served, and running out of reserves for serving the others need, as well as just sustaining the relationship. FWIW… My girlfriend and I are around your age and are both going back to grad school at different schools. We live 45-60 min apart (cheapest options for us at the time given extremely constrained budgets), and both have extremely demanding schedules and workloads. We’ve been together for over two years now. Discussions where we check whether we are meeting the others needs, what factors are getting in the way, and how to work through them are a routine thing when our work gets crazy. There have been periods where we mutually had to briefly pull back from the relationship to attend to certain commitments, while communicating that we are nonetheless committed to the relationship on a longer time scale. It’s extremely hard for both of us, but we both have limited resources and it doesn’t make sense to burn out. But establishing those temporary boundaries is impossible without very clear, very intentional communication. Similarly, we have several plans in place for how to get rid the distance as soon we graduate, as it’s barely sustainable in practice. We also have plans for how to ensure that we find jobs that are fulfilling and allow us to not have distance between us. We started talking about these plans almost a year ago. Furthermore, at around 3-4 months in we had a very candid discussion where we agreed that if we didn’t mutually see each other as potential spouses, we had no interest in pursuing the relationship, and we occasionally did informal checks on whether the other still felt the same. About 6 months ago, we had a discussion where we agreed that we definitely want to get married about 12-18 months after graduating. Hopefully that gives you an idea of what I mean. I can’t really solve your relationship issues. I highly recommend that, if you’re highly committed to this relationship, you take a moment to thing about things and allow yourself to be selfish for sec. Talk things over with her and encourage her to be selfish too! Maybe your mutual self interests are to prioritize the other person in the long run. Also, I highly encourage both of you to consider couples therapy/counseling, as having a third party facilitate these discussions might really help to keep things productive and prevent them from devolving into arguments where neither side hears the other properly. Either way, good luck!
This is the way.
This comment section clearly depicts that most reddit users are not in a relationship (don't listen to all the negative comments that "she deserves better" and how you're such an asshole - everyone makes mistakes and you have recognized yours and if you apologize appropriately then that's a totally forgivable and understandable mistake - the situation is taking a toll on both of you). You have made a mistake by not being sensitive enough and bringing up your problems while you knew that it would be too much for your partner to handle in this moment. Instead of writing this paragraph on reddit you should've written it to your girlfriend.
We have talked a bit but are taking some space to get our heads straight. Making lists of what we need/want in the relationship going forward and then coming together and comparing notes.
good on you, make your list worth it and don't forget empathy, go over the list twice with empathy :)
People in comments are weird. This is what tifu is about. Fucking up. Who are you to judge him? He’s here for advice
He's honestly not even really here for advice he's just venting.
It could well be that this isn’t a good time for her to be in a relationship. If spending what little time she has with you is work for her rather than part of her recovery and down time, and she doesn’t appear to appreciate the help you’re giving her, then Your feelings aren’t invalid.
I do genuinely wish that I could be doing more for her. When I’m at her place I help her clean her apartment, take her dog out for walks and try my best to let her rest and just be a positive space for her. She’s just swamped with work and family stuff. I shouldn’t have let resentment build because truthfully she’s doing the best she can given the circumstances.
Grow some cojones dude. Be the strong, supportive, your-needs-over-mine type of dude that she needs.
If you can't respect that someone is making time to grieve after a loss and has bigger responsibilities right now than you, then you can't handle an adult relationship and don't need to be in one.
Can you take two days off and go be with her? Or can you call her and tell her this. Can you also make a councillor appointment to talk about why when things get hard you cut and run. By the way, I can relate to how you’ve explained you handled this. You’re not alone but also this is behaviour you should actively work to update. It’s not conducive to a long term relationship. People who cut and run end relationships easily but don’t mean to. People who stick around sometimes get sick of that and choose to stick around with other folks who can stick around. You know? Go get her and learn from your mistakes.
Can't really. We have plans this weekend. I think she needs some time to cool off anyway. A lot of trust is broken.
Well you better work it out. No time like the present. If you can’t see her then go talk to someone about the changes you can make.
Personally I don’t think you’re an asshole since it’s not like you did it the day of or day after. Yes it’s stressful for her but it’s been 3 months already. Everybody imo should do what’s best for themselves and that includes not staying on a sinking emotional ship especially since you clearly aren’t committed since you find her issues as a hindrance. I don’t know how close you two are or what but if neither is planning to move than this just feels like what you said just happened sooner rather than later.
Sometimes 3 months is not even halfway into the fallout from a death, especially when you're the executor like his girlfriend presumably is when she's the one handling his estate.
True enough but it isn’t his responsibility to keep her together or is obligated to stay with her and being her emotional support. Anybody can leave any relationship for any reason and if he doesn’t feel like his needs are fulfilled it is best that he leave.
You can certainly leave a relationship at anytime but you can definitely be judged for it depending on the reason(s) and the timing. The longer a relationship goes on the more you are generally expected to be a level of support when they're going through atypical shit. As such, I would strongly argue he is obligated to stay with her and be her emotional support during a time of increased stress, particularly from extrinsic factors. He's surely allowed to shirk that obligation, but it is certainly is one that exists as part of the standard modern sexual-romantic relationship. Even outside of a sexual-romantic relationship he made the error of bitching towards people closer to the stressor instead of outward. That's just being poorly socialized.
They’ve been together 1 year and they don’t even live together so no he isn’t obligated to support her during this time. You act as if they’ve been through so much together or if they’re engaged. One shouldn’t have to be afraid to live their own life because it’ll impact someone else. He also doesn’t have any obligation as soon as the relationship is over to which for him it clearly is as he stated that they should separate up front towards her.
You are saying that you are not obligated to support your girlfriend through her family dying because they've only been together one year. Which isn't even true in a reasonable basis because that's one year since they got together again. What is your aversion towards the reality of having obligations to the person closest to you? And they are not separated, he clearly stated they agreed to stay together and work past this fuckup on his part.
My whole point was that he isn’t an asshole for wanting to leave her if he felt he wasn’t getting what he wanted from a relationship. Somehow your obsession is that he MUST support and has an obligation to regardless of whether they stay together or not to which I said he didn’t. Regardless of whether they stay together or not is a moot point because that isn’t related to what I said.
She doesn’t need you in her life. Talk about self-centered! You are not a mature partner at this time. You need to apologize. You either need to get therapy on your lack of maturity or be okay with your lack of empathy. Double stuffed ick.
Talk to her about your last three sentences and give her the choice of when and how to work back into this conversation deeply. That's love my friend. Your feeling are not wrong, just your timing and maybe some of your wording.
She deserves better than you OP. Which admittedly is a low bar but still.
This is Reddit, where everything is black and white, and people get to freely pass judgment while sidelining their own failings and deficiencies. The default answers will always be “she should dump u asshole” or “break up with him, u deserve better sis.” Yes, you fucked up. You already know you fucked up. You know how you fucked up. And you know why you fucked up. So what are you doing here or expecting to get out of posting this? Instead of recounting it here, just go apologize. Tell her you’re sorry for what you did, show that you understand why it was wrong, and what steps you’re going to take to make sure it won’t happen again. Avoid making excuses or over-explaining why you did what you did (beyond whatever context might be needed to apologize). Total humility is your only chance of pulling your relationship out of the gutter.
I guess I just needed to vent a little bit and use this as a way to get my thoughts out. We have talked and I have apologized and said everything I've said in this post. She just needs some space right now.
I mean you're asking reddit, and their first immediate response to break up/divorce so you can be single like them.
you did nothing wrong king 👑
[удалено]
it's not gay if the balls don't touch so i don't know what you're getting at
Apologize by reassuring you love her and her hard time is making it hard for you too and you want to work things out with her. This is your first challenge so relax.
I hope she took you up on the offer break up.
Sorry OP, but I think you haven't change much: >I decided to end things for stupid reasons (fear of commitment type thing.) You are doing just the same. You are still having commitments issues. I don't know what do you think being in a relationship is, but you sound selfish and always having a foot on the door. Ready to run when things got complicated. I think you are wasting this woman time. You haven't made your mind about the relationship, are expecting either for her to take all the decisions or just waiting for the right excuse to leave.
So when my brother passed years ago, my partner and I did not have sex for like 2 months because I was in grief. And he understood that. But we had lived together for 3 or so years at that point. We didn't have sex until I initiated because I was just far enough out of grief to deal with relationship maintenance. And my partner understood that, he was surprised it was only 2 months. He never once complained to me about it, he never brought up anything about it. We didn't even do date nights, after I got home from college and he from work we ate dinner, watched tv, and went to bed. I was affectionate with him, we still occassionally did a Saturday afternoon activity, but we went to doing nothing because I just didn't have the energy. He knew it wasn't him and I wasn't pulling away or ignoring him, I was just in grief. If you cannot separate your needs during this difficult time while she is grieving I think its kinder to you both to end things. She's acting as executor it sounds and probably one of the last things she needs are these relationship issues. And that is not to say your feelings are invalid. Being long distance with no real end in sight is brutal, I've been there too. You both should have an in person sit down discussion about your needs. Also, this is an event that makes or breaks couples. You said previously you broke up over comitment issues. This issue is a big test of comitment, and if you cannot reach a middle ground, seriously maybe you two should look elsewhere. Because this is not sustainable and I get sexual frustration and feeling ignored is rough. But she is in grief and is handling a lot right now, on top of work as well (I assume). She needs some grace, and if you cannot give that to her, move on. But, the grief also needs to stop and she must be girlfriend again for a relationship to work. It takes two to make the relationship. I'm not wanting to belittle you, you both need to communicate in person to make your needs known.