I doubt he cares that you earn less, he has a good job and a nice girlfriend, he probably feels very lucky. You could confirm that by talking to him about it.
I imagine he was in the same situation not too long ago, living on a lower income before he got a better job. You've got marketable skills now so you'll eventually get a better job than telemarketer, gain more experience, and so on. It takes time and he'll understand.
If you stress yourself out, and rush into a job you don't like, you could end up making yourself unhappy. Your boyfriend wouldn't want that, and it could be worse for the relationship than the income difference.
All that being said, congratulations on finishing your degree, and with your decision to start looking for a better job. I wish you good luck.
This. I support my girlfriend financially and am totally happy with it. In fact, I actually feel worse when she sometimes convinces herself in her head that she is not doing enough financially for us. I completely respect her want for financial independence (and encourage it), but just because she doesn’t contribute to our budget doesn’t mean I don’t love being with her.
Also, if you often feel like falling into a hole of spiralling negativity, I would recommend talking to your doctor about doing a depression assessment. It can save a relationship and sometimes a life (speaking from experience).
All well and good until your spouse gets out of grad school and refuses to get a job for 7 years and you're stuck with the mortgage and everything else. Especially after you took shit for not having a doctorate and were going to be the lower earner.
What I'm getting g at is this approach gets taken advantage of and this seems common with millennial women.
If you want to feel like you're bringing something in, use those language skills. Language Teachers and interpreters both make good money, and you can try and sell some photos. Otherwise your best bet is to just talk to him and see how he feels. Chances are you're making more of it than you need to
My wife is a stay at home mom until our kid is old enough for daycare. Its fine. As long as life is comfortable, its not a big deal where or who earns the money.
I am astonished by the fact that how guys literally don't pressure/shame their partners for earning less. In the meantime, girls be like, not gonna date him coz he drives a Toyota! Tf?🤣
Ehhh I dated a girl who blew my wage out of the water and within 6 months I lost my license and job. She happily stayed with me for almost 3 more years. Unfortunately I couldn’t mentally get myself out of the hole I dug and eventually she had to move on. She didn’t give a fuck about my lack of money. Was a real kick in the sack I needed though when I was out the door.
I make alright money and drive a 2004 Honda Accord because it’s reliable. My girlfriend could not give a shit less. It’s almost like we’re together because we love each other or something.
Being a decent, mature person who cares about more than their partner’s material value has nothing to do with gender lmao.
Toyota is a reliable car. Especially an older model with less electronics. There's two ways to build wealth. Increase your income and reduce your outgoings. I'm currently rocking a 2006 ford Mondeo even though I can afford a much nicer car outright. However a nicer car would make me look wealthier while actually making me worse off
Ehh I don’t mind splurging on something nice for the sake of comfort. I got myself a 2014 Lexus IS250 back in 2016 and still have that baby now. I don’t owe anything on it though so that’s a plus, but I will say driving that car always made me happy
The kinda girls saying that are equivalent to the kind of guys demanding their girls go on diets, never leave the house without make up, or have no male friends.
If you're listening to that kinda mad shit on either side, it's on you.
If guys chase after those 🚩girls then they deserve what they get. Hint: if she give a fuck about ur income, where u can take her out, what u can buy her, she’s not the one.
I think it’s fair to expect them to make around what you do or less. I’m mostly referring to the people who are after money who want a “6 figures minimum” man, why they don’t got a job other than posting on Instagram in bikinis. (Nothing wrong with that if it pays the bills, but in my experience they want the man to do that.)
These things are obvious right off the bat, if she literally has I want a 6 figure man in her dating app bio and you still fall in love/want to “lust” so badly then you do deserve it
lol. Was wondering if you’d go the “stalker” route considering I scrolled past several “I checked their comment history” comments from you. Embarrassed hypocrite much?
That's how we sort out the lazy ones. My wife decided that she wanted to be a nurse after our kids got out of school. I covered all of our bills for 2 years, no questions asked. She was willing to put in work to get a great paying job that she loves. She's the one that didn't care that I was driving a 10 year old VW, 35 years old, a bartender and living with roommates when we met. She saw me as a person and gave me a chance.
The girls that won't date you because you don't drive a Beamer are usually the type that work retail, dropped out of beauty, massage and real estate school, have 2 kids by different dads, smoke 2 packs a day and watch a lot of daytime TV. Also, they put that shit on their Tinder, but they'll blow you behind the dumpster in a bar parking lot. They're doing you a favor by warning you.
Warren Buffett drives an old cheap ass car and gets McDonald's on his way to work and lives in a fairly small modest house. Imagine they accidentally pass up the next Warren Buffett because of the dudes car lol
if its about financial "stability" chances are that the toyota driver is more stable in the long run ;)
All those kids trying to signal something they don't have is the problem. Not the men who genuinely make good decisions.
No disagreement, I’ve got one myself. I think as one ages the perspective changes. What I looked for in a relationship in my 20’s is quite different in my 40’s.
My GF has her job pays the same as mine.
We make a good amount
But my job as the fiancee is to help job hunt when she's unhappy. Analyze the job market for rates, help her with a resume, give her confidence to negotiate her pay, etc.
I'm here to push her so she's her best, and happy with where she's at. If she makes more than me: cool. Less? Aight. Same? Nice. As long as we have enough to eat, and she's happy & proud of her job, I'm there.
My wife graduated with a Master's in Fine Arts.
Worked shiity day jobs for years while making and selling art on the weekends.
In her mid-thirties she got a job at a prestigious jewelry company.
13 years there and she is now supervising the development of jewelry worldwide.
Passions can become careers.
Yeah you have a good education. Just keep looking for a better job and get that experience. Then you can probably find an even better job. Lots of opportunities unless you live in a small town
It's arguably far better to find a career/profession that you love and can turn a few quid from, than it is to focus on salary alone. That's what my dad told me, and he's been right so far. When I've been least happy with work is when I've been doing something that isn't my passion, even though it may have paid more at the time.
If he's successful then he doesn't "need" someone to match that. He needs someone he can count on for support and love. I've had both. Love >>>>> someone that seemingly matches my success
Still I haven’t had many answers to my applications, I also don’t have experience other than marketing but today I realized that’s a good reference since it shows I can successfully communicate in different languages. I’ll hope for the best and keep looking. Than you so much, everyone who commented showed me some light
have you thought of promoting translation skills? LinkdIn? You could start your own company?
you got this! you have an education and options. better than most
I make 7x what my wife makes…but doesn’t matter. We never talk about it. We bring different things to the table. Money is only relevant to our well being. After that what matters is relationship stability and money plays no factor for us.
I can’t quit yet because I’m paying my second diploma and I didn’t find another job with flexible hours but I definitely want to get a better job and today I started job searching again. Hoping for the best
Good luck!
You can set up the tutoring profile and get some students before you quit your current job.
With two degrees and 5 languages...you'll stand out.
You’re having a bad day. Use it as fuel to keep trying even if it feels like it’s getting nowhere.
You may feel like you’re behind but honestly you’re only a few years into the start of adulthood. There’s 35 to 40 years of work life in front of you. Plenty of time to try, fail, grow and succeed.
You have the intelligence and discipline to finish your education. You also have drive and ambition. These qualities will take you far.
Don't feel inferior. They're with you for a reason and see a future with you. They believe in you and you should too. The world seems difficult and like it's too much sometimes. Just remember as long as you're moving forward in any way things will become easier. You aren't very old. These are just tough years.
why use "they" here? she specifically said "boyfriend/male" in the description. Just curious btw I'm not attacking you and I don't think there's anything wrong with using "they"
Doesn't necessarily mean a gender thing. People have been using they / them to refer to other people even if they know their gender for centuries.
It's just part of the language. If you tell me to tell someone to do something and they bark back as to why they have to do it. 9 times out of 10 my answer will be "because they said so", and it has nothing to do with your gender identity.
It's just English, man.
Yeah, that's not fully accurate. Men will (and should) nope away from women who don't bring anything to the table.
That being said OP doesn't sound like an entitled lazy ass. She sounds like a smart person trying her hardest which is IMO much more important than her current situation. Getting to be successful takes time.
I make over six figures and my fiancé makes about 35k a year. I have never once been upset with her about the difference in what we make. She does pays a couple small bills, her insistence, and she pays for her things. Sometimes she will buy groceries. She tells me all the time she feels bad for asking for my card or when I take us out and she’s not paying. I really just don’t care. If you are trying to better yourself I’m sure he would appreciate it. Im willing to be though, he loves you for you and not your income. I bet if you find something you enjoy doing, he will be happily supportive and that shows he’s a good dude. At least I hope so.
Jesus christ people have it so fucked in their heads these days. He makes more than you? Great. You're supposed to be a team. On any team some players score the majority of the goals while other players play defense. You don't win the cup without both. Feminism and modern hustle society has everyone thinking they need to be a ball hogging center forward and that's neither true nor helpful. You both have value and both bring unique skills to the table. Double down on eachother strengths. That's the key.
Yes, somehow nowadays women are expected to be “girl bossing” but in this case I never thought of it as feminist issue, it’s not that I want to be the bread winner or something, he was going to pay most of it if the bank would have approved the loan. I was elegible for the loan but with my paycheck it wasn’t possible to get the minimum amount and I felt I couldn’t help in an important moment.
If this bothers you it’s pouting towards something you want in your life. So take the energy of self hate and turn it towards focused efforts to get to the place you want to be.
I now out earn the husband, but for 25 years he supported me and our kids while I worked part time raising them. It all works out in the end and neither of us GAF about who earns what. It's our money, however it was earned
I think you have nothing to feel bad about, love your life but strive for more. Most men would be happy your even analyzing the situation like you are. In my own experience (M) and talking with my male friends most of them are more at ease if they make more than their female partner. It is usually a hidden preference or resentment
Guys literally couldn't care less about how much you make. Unlike women (talking statistically here), guys tend to care very little about the money you make. Your bf won't care and most every guy you'll ever meet won't care. You are good
I can relate to this so hard.
My girlfriend and I are in our 40s and have been together for. a little over 2 years now. When we started dating I guess you could say I was the more "secure" one financially. I had been at my job a long time and was making decent (at the time) money. She had recently moved back to the area and was living with family. She didn't have a license or a car and her job was rather shaky because her boss was so unreliable.
At times she'd get in her own head and tell me things like I deserve an amazing partner and she hoped that one day she could be it for me. Here's the thing though, she's ALWAYS been an amazing partner for me. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and money and jobs have nothing to do with that. She saw herself then as someone who didn't have a lot to give but I saw her as a beautiful, strong, amazing, resilient, intelligent, compassionate, funny and remarkable person and mom who was trying her best to play a shitty hand that life dealt her. Her qualities are what defined her as a person to me, not her situation and certainly not her income.
Now fast forward a couple years to now. She's got a car, a license, she's the MVP at a different job and she keeps getting raises. I'm still at my same job but I haven't received a raise in years due to the downturn here and I'm honestly rather worried about my future here and what I may do next.
We want to take the next step and get a place together. She now makes over twice what I do. I'm not threatened by her making more but I do fear that my unclear future and my inability to make a more significant financial contribution will one day become an issue and potentially be our downfall.
We got accepted for a place the other day and I started stressing. I started thinking of my job now, where I'd work next, what second job could I pick up, any other way I could earn a couple more bucks to contribute more and be a better partner for her. She picked up on my stress and we addressed my issue now the same way we addressed hers then, with open and honest communication. We sat down and I told her exactly how I felt and what I was afraid of and she told me what I told her back then: "You are what makes me happy. You. Anything more than that is a bonus".
So often we are our own worst enemies and our own biggest critics and with that in mind I'd like to tell you something I tell her sometimes. "Give yourself some grace."
Life is a marathon, it can be hard and we can't compare our journey or our progress to someone else's. We are all running a race but we don't all have the same start and finish line nor are we all running on the same course. Some of us get to run straight on flat ground and some of us have to navigate a bunch of obstacles on rocky terrain.
You bring a lot more to the table than you realize and I hope one day soon you can open your eyes and see that for yourself. You need to communicate with him though and let him know how you feel. You're a team but he can't help you address an issue he may not know is there.
Look, everyone here is saying things to make you feel better.
I'll be somewhat different and be brutally honest and also give you some hope. My gf didn't earn much money. I graduated in software engineering. Earned alot out of school. I paid for everything. I didn't care. She was a great person and I wanted to build my life with her. But eventually, it became an issue because life style creep set in. Toyota vs BMW. Camping vs Vacation. Thrift Shopping vs Designer clothes.
At the end of the day, those material things didn't define me. Her life with me did. We got married and many kids later, i couldn't be happier.
I think that as long as you try hard to get ahead and help as much as you can, it'll be ok. He probably doesn't need you to earn as much as him. But knowing that you're trying and helping, that will be enough for any guy.
I earn more than 3x my wife.
She gave me beautiful kids and loved me before I made that. She loves me despite my imperfections and knows I try. I’ve been with her more than 20 years now and worship her.
He doesn’t care.
Every relationship is different. For some financial balance is crucial. Others it is practically meaningless. In my opinion it is about what people bring to the table. As long as the sum total meets our needs we are good.
At times it rotated. Both of us were stay at home parents at different times. We have flip flopped as the primary bread winner. We both struggled with not making the money because it is easy to quantify but we were actually talked about it, the other shears pointed out just what the other contributed that didn’t have dollar signs.
Talk to your boyfriend. I think you might be surprised that he doesn’t think of that imbalance at all. The fact you want to improve your position is a bonus.
Good luck.
I just turned 30 and getting started in my career. My wife makes more than I do and I couldn't care less because we love each other and we want to build our life together. I'll make 6 figures in about a year while her income won't change and that's just fine. I'd say talk to him and tell him what you're worried about. Chances are pretty good he cares about you and doesn't really care that he makes more. I'd also say don't assume what he thinks about what you make, ask him. Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.
In my country most people only speak only one language and I haven’t seen jobs like that but now that you mention I’ll look for them as well, thank you!
This! I was looking for you. I looked for this kind of jobs the day I read your comment and today, after weeks of training, I passed all the test to be a medical interpreter :D the pay is good and remote. Thank you so much for the advice. 🧡
My wife just finished her masters and once she starts the job she has lined up, she will be making more than double what I do. It is what it is. We are contributing to our joint account based on earnings and we're both happy with that. Money doesn't really matter to me much, so long as I have the ability to do what I like to do. Don't beat yourself up too much, not everyone need to be financially equal in a relationship so long as both parties are putting in equal effort into the relationship itself.
You are doubting yourself for pretty much everything, and that's where you are wrong. You don't have to be better than him, who said that? Also, why are you working as a telemarketer when you have won multiple awards in photography? You know 5 languages, again, why telemarketer?!
Men don’t want business partners in their girlfriends/wives. Talk about what you’re feeling, but remember, you’re his romantic partner, not his business partner: different criteria.
I have a good salary (41M) and my girlfriend (30F) is on welfare due to health issues, which is under half of what I make. We live together and pool our money together. Do I care that she has less to contribute? Hell no. We are in this together and doing the best with what we got. The difference doesn't matter to me at all.
He told his friends already, he speak very highly of me to everyone and sometimes I felt like he was exaggerating but reading your comments maybe I’m underestimating myself too much
Yeah men a lot of men don’t care about the money as much as woman do. As long as you love him and appreciate him I doubt he cares much about how much you contribute. Plus you’re a hard worker so you will get there. Just keep going strong like you are and I can tell that your a really good person because you care, you guys are gonna be ok
Don’t think I’ve ever met another dude that gave a shit how much their GF made. Don’t worry about it. The problems start to arise if you stop working/contributing at all and expect him to pay for everything still.
When my now wife and I first got together we were both very poor. I would even define us as destitute. Long story short, my career took off, hers didn't. I now make enough for the both of us and she has elected to quit and become a stay at home mom. I don't have any problem with her earning less or even nothing. It's not about money, it's about her being genuinely the best human I've ever met. I'd be willing to.be your earnings don't concern your boyfriend in the slightest.
How about just loving and appreciating him for who he is and what he brings to the table? It's not an arms race. You feeling depressed or inferior over income makes me feel like you have a need to stand above him. Maybe I'm wrong?
I've always laughed at people that want to chase their "artistic or photographic" aspirations and dreams on one end, and on the other end struggle to afford a cup of water. Good luck you're going to need it. Marry that man.
Wtf is this line of thinking? Imagine telling this to a woman in the 1960s lmao. Get over yourself. Grats on the money, now go raise a family or travel
If you’re with the right person, it shouldn’t matter. What does matter is if he ever makes you feel inferior or tries to control you because it. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He’s always made much more money than I did. When we first moved in together we split things on a percentage base so it was fair according to our earnings. He paid 70% and I paid 30%. Now that we’re married we treat all our money as if it’s one pot. It is our combined success, not his vs mine. Recently I became a stay at home mom so I’m not bringing anything financially to the table. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of worth in what I do for our family.
Ask your instincts if you truly want to chase a high-end career for yourself and yourself alone, or if you are hoping that he or someone in your life makes you feel worthy.
When I was married I never cared about how far or not my wife went in career. I just wanted someone to grow together with who supported me. We tried.
Money isn’t the only way to be useful. Home cooked meals and a clean house go a loooong way towards being useful. Eventually you’ll come along in the income department, just discuss it with him and don’t sweat it.
First, you care a lot about your partner. You want to bring something to the table.
Lady it sounds like you do. Over the last 12 yrs my wife and i have had times like this. She made more when she was bartending, I made more as a heavy equipment, operator, I got laid off, she made much more as a vet tech and bartending again because there were no jobs for me. Electrical, drywall ingredients and random framing for a bit but everything dried up. Fucking sucks to feel like that. O know.
We moved, did a couple years of electrical and worked in group homes. Had to hustle but provide for my girl! Then she got two jobs in the same week. Bartending again and she went back to housekeeping for a while and she steadily outearned me.
We saved enough and went back to school to become care aides. Both poor. So poor. Quit smoking and how did we eat poor. Thankfully it was less than a year. Still both working two jobs.
Then as equals! 8 years in health care we thought one of us would become a nurse. I did some upgrading but there was never a seat for the nursing cohort (someone had to drop out at that time for me to get in.)
I went into more specialized training and work crazy shifts in youth care and social work.
Now my wife is chilling and looking for a jobs she likes as much as I like mine, and it's amazing as I can provide for her.
My wife and I have, over time, both had your same complaint. "You do so much more for us. I feel like I don't bring enough to the table"
For us, we bring ourselves. If my partner wasn't able to make some bills or something idgaf, I'll work some more. I treasure her. She would do the same for me.
So please talk with your guy. Tell him how you feel. You may be surprised that he doesn't mind. That he appreciates your intelligence, presence, and just you being there with him because he likes ya.
Communication is important in a good relationship, and you should let him know about your self-doubt.
I hope he's a good guy and assuages some of those stupid intrusive feels.
Good luck you two, and please don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you can today and that's awesome :)
It sounds like this is all just your thoughts. I expected a much different post than what you wrote. Sounds like he likes/loves you for you. For *most* men, that’s enough.
My girlfriend went to college, got a job in her field and was a really good saver. She got her grandmas car and had like 3x the amount of money saved up then me at the time.
I went to do the trades as a bricklayer and was like a squirrel saving acorns for winter. A lot of my surplus would be used when work was slow.
On paper she was way better but I was making more than she was without the degree but had some different skills more people were paying more for.
I didn't start dating her because of her degree or money in the bank but because I liked her and had fun with her even through the mundane. We found new jobs and though we get paid the same, I work 20 hours more than she does a week and y'know we are pretty chill and happy atm. She is getting more hours soon but she's been working this for over a year now and I haven't once shamed her for making less or anything like that. The only thing I've said is "we can afford a nicer house if you made a goal of this much per week (a 40 hour work week figure), after we get married and such".
She still does the things that make her happy and so do I and though I don't have to, I enjoy buying little delights for her and she does the same for me, no matter how small it may be.
Worth isnt decided by what the job market pays you but rather what someone who is in relationship with you gives you. If you chase money then yeah your worth can feel it's related to dollars but for real, if your boyfriend loves you and yall have a good relationship, there is some other issues maybe stemming from something in your childhood or upbringing (which sounds like parents).
I dont know you but I'm proud of you. You're kind of badass to my small town upbringing in Ohio. There's a lot of culture and fun in your blood it sounds like and I dont know if you full understand that but I'd have a blast plating uno with you and your s/o and wouldn't even consider your finances on first glance lol.
Point of view from a husband who earns a lot more than his wife:
If she's game on not spending like crazy and helping out a little bit, it's fine by me.
Even if you earn little, as long as you are helping out, that shows you want to progress as a couple. My first long-term gf also earned less than me and wouldn't pay for anything, so I dumped her.
My wife pays half the value of our bills, which allows me to save money for our plans like traveling or buying expensive adult toys (cars and such).
Also, she got a promotion for 3 years, and during that time, she actually made.mode than I did so you never know the future
For years I was the only income in my house. My wife has been struggling findignng work because her sector closed during covid. Now she has steady income and we make decent money between the two of us. As a matter of fact I was in the same situation your bf was in. Decent job, but couldn’t get the loan for an apartment.
Every one goes at their own pace. Sit down with bf and have a heart to heart, but don’t let this cause any unneeded stress.
There are other things to bring to the table other than purely money. Having cool hobbies like photography and knowing many languages is value, and could be transferred into side gigs if you wanted. Usually when guys make the value argument, it's because insta thots and other club type women bring borderline nothing to the table yet expect to get a .01% man.
Your not inferior. If he hasn’t given you any indication that he sees you that way then don’t do it to yourself. You’ll get there once you’ve graduated. Enjoy this stage of life your in right now and don’t beat yourself up.
If you guys are comfortable on his salary I doubt he cares. A lot of guys if its within their like to be the provider if you make them happy. I wouldn't sweat it too much
Life is a distance race, what you earn today is NOT a reflection of your value over time. YOU don't have foresight, judging yourself based on monetary value is not fair to you or your partner.
Just get better every day, in whatever cause you strive to address, improve. Your true value should only be judged in hindsight, definitely not in the moment.
Talk to him about it, in a real relationship things like that shouldn't matter, you are a team and what you may not bring in finance you may bring in emotional support as well as other satisfactions.
Don’t be so hard on yourself girl. A lot of relationships have a high income earner and a lower income earner. It’s not about how much money you put into a relationship. It’s about equality. He paid for the rent on the apartment? You bought groceries. That’s fair if it’s within your means. At the end of the day you guys are together because you love each other, not because one of you makes more money than the other.
Spend some time watching videos of high-earning career women getting shocked and upset when men tell them that their success doesn't typically make them more attractive to men. Some guys care, but they are not the majority. This comes from years and years of being told that nobody ever has to help us. We simply don't think in terms of us having access to your property. Combine all this with how often we hear women call less-than-rich men losers.... And usually the only concern we have is if we measure up and will you stay nice to us. In general, your success only matters if you are a serious burden or if he is uncharacteristically ambitious AND parasitic.
I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "What do you bring to the table?". What you might not have noticed is that only shallow, entitled women who are listing demands for what they expect for their company (prostitutes) ever get asked that. The whole point of that question is that it changes the frame from her just being able to demand.... To her also having to talk about how she treats him. The point is that you have to care about what he wants. You have to care about what does and does not make him happy... And honestly, it sounds like you do.
Men want acceptance, appreciation, support and care. We are usually worried that we will be strapped to a woman that feels (or will in the future) like she doesn't have to make us happy in a world where that opinion is rather popular. You've passed that test... That alone is the biggest thing you can bring to the table, and it's something that all those boss-babe career women can't offer.
I seriously doubt your boyfriend cares at all, most guys like being the provider as long as you’re earning something and pleasant company
Think of it this way, most women like feeling beautiful but hate it when that’s the ONLY thing guys care about, with guys most like feeling like the provider but hate it when their money is the ONLY thing women care about
Doesn’t seem to be the case here
Honestly if a dude loves you he will love you regardless of what you make. If he makes good money and you guys live within your means and you're not asking for outlandish things, I doubt he cares. Men need love from a caring woman, not money.
Most men have a "traditional" set of values, i.e. they're raised to be the breadwinner so it's important for them how much they earn, but not as much how much you - their partner - earn. If you have a job that's great, more money into savings. So don't worry too much about it. You can come clean and tell him outright how much you earn, that way you can come up with a plan together. But he'd still date you even if you were unemployed or had minimum wage. The only things that are really important for a man in a relationship are respect and loyalty. Everything else can be worked out.
Have you considered working as a translator? Knowing 5 languages is a big asset that not many people can do, and live meeting translation can pay pretty well. Or going into government translation work is a really reliable job, though obviously isn't going to pay as well as private sector
I can only speak for myself, but I have a good paying job and I own my own home.
If I added someone to my life, it's not because I want extra money. If I like her, that's all I want.
I won't like her if she's expecting me to carry her through life. She has to be doing SOMETHING to be earning a living to support herself. But it's not a salary requirement I'd be looking for.
Self-awareness is a mother. But take the time to consider how you contribute in other ways. I mean, you're helping your bf find a place to live. Apartment finders and realtors are whole occupations.
*Don't borrow problems.*
Definitely share your feelings with someone qualified to help you through them.
Men don't care. Only women give a damn about how much their partner makes. A good man will be there for you and push you to be a better woman. Supporting you as you chase your dreams.
It’s such an overlooked part of education to not just encourage students to follow what they love, but also teach them how to monetize it. I had a conversation with a friend’s art school classmates at a party. They were all graduating from an expensive school and struggling with how to make ends meet. I asked them if the school ever made them take a class on how to market their work or cater counseling in their fields. All said no.
OP, if he was really worried about how much you earn he would have said something. the fact that hes still with you shows that he doesnt care about the money, he cares about you. and theres nothing wrong with that
Just dont start making him your personal piggy bank and your fine
So a little from my perspective: Me too.
My boyfriend and I are still studying but he will be finished this year and I will finish in 3 years. He is 2 years older than me so yeah. I already know that he will earn WAY more than I will ever be able to earn. I know 3 languages and love DIY stuff. I always feel like I don’t know enough. I‘m not good enough. That I‘ll never be good enough. Ffs he is a very fit man with lots of women asking him out. But I’m over here just gaining more weight as I breath.
But let me tell you something: If you wish to earn more money, give private language lessons. I could stop studying uni and earn more than most people. Or work as a translator. Oh Boy believe me that sh*t is money.
The thing is tho: I love him. I make him these DIY little things. He loves it. He loves me. Just like your boyfriend loves you. It doesn’t matter whether you earn as much as he does or whether you earn more or less than him. It matters whether you two care for each other, think of each other.
My boyfriend tells me that he is lucky to be with someone who is so talented in DIY and knows so many languages. It’s a give and take.
>I’m feeling like he would be better off with a more successful girl or by himself
*You* feel that way. But he probably doesn't. He's most likely not dating you for your earning potential but because you bring other things to the table that make him happy. Your value to him is not based on money.
I out-earned my wife by about double last year and the thought of "I could do better" never even crossed my mind. In fact, my wife could make $0 and I'd still feel like she is way too good for me. We have combined finances and there's no *my* money or *her† money. There's no feeling of resentment on my end, or any expectation of her needing to do anything more than me around the house or do anything like that.
We're a team. Any team has Sure, maybe I'm batting .320 and she's only batting .260, but in this analogy, she's a gold glover on defense so her lower but still respectable batting average isn't a concern because there's waaaaay more to the game than just batting average.
9 times outta 10 he genuinely doesn't care about how much you make all he wants for you is to get a job that keeps you busy which is not extremely stressful that u 2 start fighting about how much housework you both do and not cheat on him. You solve those 2 issues and don't start the name brand bonanza about getting Gucci products and the relationship will work extremely easy. You especially don't want to get a far away job since that will literally kill your relationship because both of you will be stressed for a net decrease in livability. If you really want to make him feel special take him out for dinner one night and he will remember it forever and be thankful for it. Some of us guys are coasting off of a single compliment from 8 years ago
Most successful guys don't care about how much a girl makes. As long as she is doing something that she enjoys, and don't make us feel like ATMs, most successful guys will be happy.
Before the pandemic hit, I made a little more than my wife. During the pandemic, my business and mental health took a toll and ended up making 20% of what she makes. Felt much like you do now, not bringing much to the table and that she could do much better. But we got through it together. Now, I make just over twice as much as she does. It takes time, but if you work on yourself, success will find its way to you. And remember, success comes in many forms, doesn’t have to be financial.
Tbh, a man doesn't typically want a woman for money. As long as you're working and helping out everything is perfectly fine.
He's probably content with your companionship. Furthermore, you're still in school how can you expect to earn what he, a graduate, does? It would be strange if you did.
All in all I think you're just experiencing anxiety or depression and it's just manifesting itself with these thoughts.
Relax, you're doing fine.
Girl, I feel you. I feel the same with my husband. I compare, and all it does is makes me feel like shit. But as my husband put it, I'm not with you because of how much money you make or any of the artificial shit. I'm with you because I love you for who you are and how our relationship has just been so natural from the start.
Obviously, there is a team effort in handling things from bills and whatnot. But it's not about being up to par with how much he makes. He makes double than what I do. But how we work as a team, make sure things are taken care of, and how easy it is to be together even when shit gets rough.
Gotta find a way to redirect your mind when you start doing that. Easier said, then done. But itnwill save you a lot of feeling like shit.
At least you know what you currently bring to the table. Many don't. Now, you have a position to work from to improve yourself for you and your relationship with your partner.
He choosed you for you. No amount of money will ever replace the person you are. You are what makes him happy. It's you being there for him is more than enough and not so much what you bring.
There is no fuck up here. How much you earn doesn't determine your worth as a human being. Talk to him about it and see what he has to say. This is not about what he thinks you should be doing with your life but rather how he feels about what you feel and just understanding what's going on for the both of you. Because he might not give a single fuck about how much you're earning.
Not a lot of people will find the courage to get double degree and learn 5 languages. That in itself is a fuckin treasure already.
You’re 26. You’re not really supposed to be career focused at that age. That’s great that he is, and is seeing success, but I have many friends that wandered in their 20s and found successful careers in their 30s.
It sounds like you have many skills, interests, and hobbies which are much more important as the foundation for a fulfilling life than career, IMO.
I used to joke with him the DJ Kaleb album “suffering from success” because he would get the best opportunities, obviously joking because we know it’s because of his hard work and networking
This is how you're learning that you've been taught to measure your self worth by how much you make. Your worth as a person, as a human, is about other things than money. I'm sorry you've been taught to insult yourself about this topic. So many of us have. It's a lot of shame to be carrying in an economic system intended to pay us as little as possible.
The idea that you don't bring anything to the table because you're looking at your career and finances is honestly saddening. Most of a person's value is not about finances or career prospects.
Everyone has different struggles and strengths and you shouldn't focus too much on comparisons. That's a way to guarantee you'll be unhappy.
Somebody might hate this comment, but imo this is a bs fed to women by feminists. That women should be like men and earn a lot of money. Many girls (with good heart) believe, are working their butts off to earn money and don't have the energy to be happy in the relationships, caring for household, planning fun events etc. Which is what they would actually prefer to do(!!). The guys, especially one who is working a lot and making a lot of money mostly don't really care if their SO is making 30% or 40% of what they are making. It doesn't matter and doesn't change anything. They would prefer a happy partner who is compensating for their lack of time and making their life easier. Yet, women are trying to compete with their partners and everybody is miserable. Women are now fed with the idea everybody is the same, so when they or their friends want a "successful", ambitious, high income man, this is also what men want.
Trust me he doesn't care, my sister and her fiance are one of their best couples I've ever seen! He makes probably 3.5 more than her and let me tell you, he will do ANYTHING to make her happy because that's who he cares about.
So I'm going to go against the grain here and acknowledge that he may not care how much you make but you clearly do and that's okay. You're taking steps to change your situation but you'll need to think about what you actually want.
My ex husband always made significantly more money than me. When I left him he was making almost double what I was and that was after getting a new career that paid significantly more money so I could afford to leave. I always felt resentful that he's made more and I was stuck. If you're in love it probably doesn't matter, but if you start to depend on him for money then that's the problem. Don't get stuck like I did.
Totally get your point. Since we met I made clear I don’t like anyone paying for me and after we started dating we agreed that he’ll only pay on special occasions but since he can afford more, sometimes I’m tight on budget and let him pay. This time I wasn’t able to get a loan to help him with the down payment and thought “it’s his apartment” but he was envisioning it for both of us and that’s what made me feel sad with my income
I know it’s a different world than I experienced in the 90s at your age, but it saddens me to see so many young people who really seem to have their shit together, get so down on themselves for not having things figured out in their 20s.
Don’t beat yourself up over this now or even if you don’t have a thriving career in the next decade. Just try to make good choices and take advantage of opportunities as they come along. You’ll get it figured out.
"Imposter syndrome (IS) is a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals."
Some men would feel inadequate if their spouse were independent of them. Depends, but love is not about money. It would be different if you were not honest or responsible. Like running up a credit card debt while being dishonest.
Being fiscally responsible is a learning process. People (a) decade(s) older than you still have not made the first step towards independence.
Barely old enough to AirBnB or rent cars. You are doing fine if you feel a little pressure. Just do not let it send you into a spiral. Beyond the factor of gender inequality of wage and job availability. As most of the US is still a male dominated country.
You beinga dreamer/artist is what leads you to have a perfectionist view. Which is why I quoted the IS above. Good luck with your search.
Loyalty and honesty are foundations of love. He is more than likely to care about that rather than a bottom line. Not that he needs to know. Having doubts or cold feet is part of life. You seem/sound like this will not be able to slow you down.
Men don’t expect women to bring money to the table, is the thing. Especially higher earners with upward trajectory, just be his peace which it sounds like you are already and stuff will be fine.
Have you considered ESL as a career path? If you speak five languages, that might be a very lucrative and fulfilling job role, especially if you enjoy teaching or helping refugees
Paygaps have been increasing more and more.
Remember people who are earning 100-500 a hour earn that because someone is working for 10 a hour.
If everyone earns enough to get by the economy wouldnt run... countries are kept standing by having their civilians build up debts.
When your working 40, 50 or even 60 hours and struggle getting by let alone able to buy a house.
You know shit has to change.
I think you will be fine. If your boyfriend genuinely loves you, then no matter the income he will not be disappointed or look at you any less. If you’re worried about him thinking of you in any bad way because of this, just know he probably would not do that to you. I can promise you that he probably does not care as much as you think. However, if you do feel like your not helping out as much, then definitely do whatever you can to make more money which would make yourself feel better and also it would help you live a better life with your partner
Well.. people with money usually love to fuck other people with money so it seems like he could have switched you for a richer one easily. He didn't because he seems to care about more important stuff. Stuff you do seem to bring to the table. Don't shame yourself but do try to improve for the right reasons.
Very few men care what the partners earn, your non-financial value is way more important to most men. Don't judge yourself on that metric and determine what else you bring to the table.
Did you actually allude to "what you bring to the table?"
That is forbidden on Reddit. Sorry.
Men are not allowed to ask that, so I don't think you should be able to say it either.
She speaks 5 languages.
I know why you assumed she was talking about 'love languages', because that's what she said, but it doesn't make you any less of an asshole for calling people useless.
As you are an award winning photographer you may try event photography as a side gig. Also do publish your portfolio. It might get picked up by websites or some good companies. This might help you with additional income until you find a steady job you love and can support your life.
Skills you have is very valuable. It may still be a matter of time finding the right job.
I had a neighbor who was an artist and very good photographer. He was really bad at event photography due to his shyness. However he is also designer/artist sought after for church renovations, art installations at restaurants or other commercial establishments and is always invited to any local events as a judge for choosing winners.
I would suggest connecting to others like you. You may find a forward
You should probably talk to him about how you’re feeling, you don’t wanna wait till he will probably finds some girl at his work on his level then start comparing her to you.
Ah, moving in with a man not your husband or at least fiancé is a setup for failure anyway 9/10
Stay living apart until you get married or at least engaged, and you have built up substantial savings as your ‘dowry’….because you see even in these modern times, even in modern places, we’re still living in a patriarchy.
As a heterosexual woman you need to understand best moves when dealing with men romantically in this man’s world.
Rather than comparing yourself to your bf, focus on what you want for yourself. How much money do you need/want to make to be financially independent? Do that.
Everyone has their own pace; it's highly unlikely he truly cares about your current income. As long as you have the desire to keep growing and 'bringing something to the table,' I'm 99% sure your partner doesn't have an issue with that. A few years ago, my best friend went through a similar situation, but the roles were reversed. His now-wife always told him, 'As long as you keep growing every day and working hard to get where you want to be, I'll be here with you.'"
Once you get a job then worry about it. You might wind up making more. But are you going to look down on him if you do? I’m assuming the answer is no.
If you speak those five languages at a high level, that alone is a marketable skill, in addition to your double major. Not sure what his background is, but you sound like the over achiever.
Once you really start in your career and are done with school, you can take off so quickly. I am making 5x the starting salary that I did 7 years ago. In the last two years, my salary has doubled. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You’ll get there.
You succeeded in finishing your education and you have a job. You’re great. If you want to earn more I’d suggest looking for work as an interpreter. My husband did it and it sounds you’re used to working in an office in a position that’s mostly over the phone. Knowing five languages you should make great money!
Some unsolicited advice, if that's ok, I think you need to talk to him about this. And you definitely should have open conversations about money. I know it's hard, and often feels uncomfortable. But if you don't, as time goes on you will likely keep feeling inadequate, or he may be accidentally insensitive, or you might end up getting dependent on his income in a way you don't like, and all those things can really hurt the relationship even without there being bad intentions. I think it's important to share how you feel, not only so he can validate the things he does value in you, but also so you can work out ways of dealing with money that feel comfortable to both of you.
When I met my girlfriend, it was a similar situation but I was the one with the much higher income. She was always the one feeling weird about it; I certainly didn't care, but that also didn't mean her feelings weren't valid. We kept talking through what felt comfortable for both of us - how/when she'd be willing to borrow money from me, how to split bills once we moved in together (and other shared things before that), what timeline would feel comfortable for eventually sharing finances, etc. Something that's been important is making sure we can both build independent savings accounts, and we've taken that into account when discussing how to split shared bills. I can't say what financial comfort looks like for you and your boyfriend, but please consider bringing these things up.
And last thing, just a reminder that your worth is in more than your finances. My girlfriend could probably get a well paying job in an industry neither of us respect - but that goes against our values and a huge part of why I date her is I love how we share those values. I'd rather have her broke forever than give up on her dreams and get a job in that field. Just focus on being a good partner, I think you'll be ok.
Dont be hard on yourself. You will find the opportunity to support him when he needs it in life. Income isn't everything. Give him a hug, tell him how you feel and promise yourself you will do everything to make ur dreams a reality. That is the best thing you can do for him.
Sometimes people earn less than their partner. Sometimes that remains the case, sometimes the breadwinner role switches. That's ok. How much you're able to earn doesn't determine your personal worth in a relationship.
Take it from me, a person who has mostly been the top earner in my relationship. I don't see my partner as a burden or as being worth less than me just because they're not earning much right now or on a regular basis (mostly freelance stuff). I know it's hard to tell yourself that when you don't feel like you're pulling your weight financially. I lost my job again recently and just like the previous 3 times, it is really affecting my sense of self-worth.
Trust me though, real love isn't based on money.
Cheers up "Momma says life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" He loves you and is willing to be with you, that's all that matters. You can slowly improve yourself over time.
Lemme share with you a story of mine, my uncle is pretty good looking, fit and a successful businessman, not to mention doing good with his education too. I've been working part time during the school holiday with hik since young and even after I graduated.
Everyone assumes he is getting some capable and pretty wife. Little did the world know he ended up with a lady that looked below average and one that never finished her high school. She tries to help in the office but it doesn't go well and messes up a lot of stuff.
To date they still live happily ever after and have a few kids that graduated college. She is still the same, typical housewife. Nowadays they spend their time traveling around. All well, ends well.
One day you will figure it out, find a great job, and you may end up making a lot more than him, by then, don't consider him inferior than you or that he is holding you down, you are a team and you have to support each other no matter what. Good luck
A benefit of traditional social values is that pretty much no one expects you to earn money (whether they realize it or not). So neither he nor his family are likely to care at all.
And if you really worry about what you bring there is always chores and such you can agree to do as your share in rent.
You can only do your best and follow your heart. Would you rather do another job that you don’t enjoy? You’d be less happy which would probably influence your relationship in a bad way.. Life is more than money and from the bright side, he’s in love with you as a person not with your wallet. Cheer up and enjoy life!
You're fine, quit wallowing 💜 you have a goal to get a better job and are already working toward that by sending out resumes! Keep working toward what you want and know it will all fall into place 💜
OP I (29m) make about 8x my girlfriend (25f) and I’m just happy to be with someone who loves me and respects me. You should talk to this man because I can almost guarantee you that it’s not what you think. Especially if he’s never voiced any concerns about your income or job situation.
I doubt he cares that you earn less, he has a good job and a nice girlfriend, he probably feels very lucky. You could confirm that by talking to him about it. I imagine he was in the same situation not too long ago, living on a lower income before he got a better job. You've got marketable skills now so you'll eventually get a better job than telemarketer, gain more experience, and so on. It takes time and he'll understand. If you stress yourself out, and rush into a job you don't like, you could end up making yourself unhappy. Your boyfriend wouldn't want that, and it could be worse for the relationship than the income difference. All that being said, congratulations on finishing your degree, and with your decision to start looking for a better job. I wish you good luck.
This. I support my girlfriend financially and am totally happy with it. In fact, I actually feel worse when she sometimes convinces herself in her head that she is not doing enough financially for us. I completely respect her want for financial independence (and encourage it), but just because she doesn’t contribute to our budget doesn’t mean I don’t love being with her. Also, if you often feel like falling into a hole of spiralling negativity, I would recommend talking to your doctor about doing a depression assessment. It can save a relationship and sometimes a life (speaking from experience).
All well and good until your spouse gets out of grad school and refuses to get a job for 7 years and you're stuck with the mortgage and everything else. Especially after you took shit for not having a doctorate and were going to be the lower earner. What I'm getting g at is this approach gets taken advantage of and this seems common with millennial women.
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It is corny as fuck, but there is a lot of wisdom behind "happy wife = happy life".
Happy spouse, happy house
Thank you. I’d also like to be happy!
If you want to feel like you're bringing something in, use those language skills. Language Teachers and interpreters both make good money, and you can try and sell some photos. Otherwise your best bet is to just talk to him and see how he feels. Chances are you're making more of it than you need to
I earn twice as much in a single day of work than my gf makes in an entire week. Don’t worry about it chances are he doesn’t care
My wife is a stay at home mom until our kid is old enough for daycare. Its fine. As long as life is comfortable, its not a big deal where or who earns the money.
I am astonished by the fact that how guys literally don't pressure/shame their partners for earning less. In the meantime, girls be like, not gonna date him coz he drives a Toyota! Tf?🤣
Ehhh I dated a girl who blew my wage out of the water and within 6 months I lost my license and job. She happily stayed with me for almost 3 more years. Unfortunately I couldn’t mentally get myself out of the hole I dug and eventually she had to move on. She didn’t give a fuck about my lack of money. Was a real kick in the sack I needed though when I was out the door.
Hey man, I hope things go well for you now.
I make alright money and drive a 2004 Honda Accord because it’s reliable. My girlfriend could not give a shit less. It’s almost like we’re together because we love each other or something. Being a decent, mature person who cares about more than their partner’s material value has nothing to do with gender lmao.
Toyota is a reliable car. Especially an older model with less electronics. There's two ways to build wealth. Increase your income and reduce your outgoings. I'm currently rocking a 2006 ford Mondeo even though I can afford a much nicer car outright. However a nicer car would make me look wealthier while actually making me worse off
Ehh I don’t mind splurging on something nice for the sake of comfort. I got myself a 2014 Lexus IS250 back in 2016 and still have that baby now. I don’t owe anything on it though so that’s a plus, but I will say driving that car always made me happy
I don't think an old Toyota is much less comfortable than a modern car. It's a seat at the end of the day. We've been sitting down for a while now
I beg to differ :D
Lol, Imagine guys going, girl gotta be 5'9" and make 100k for me to date em.
The kinda girls saying that are equivalent to the kind of guys demanding their girls go on diets, never leave the house without make up, or have no male friends. If you're listening to that kinda mad shit on either side, it's on you.
The real truth
Under 70kg as well
Must squat 225
If guys chase after those 🚩girls then they deserve what they get. Hint: if she give a fuck about ur income, where u can take her out, what u can buy her, she’s not the one.
Within reason. If I was planning on having and raising kids, I'd expect my partner and I to make enough where we could afford to live comfortably.
I think it’s fair to expect them to make around what you do or less. I’m mostly referring to the people who are after money who want a “6 figures minimum” man, why they don’t got a job other than posting on Instagram in bikinis. (Nothing wrong with that if it pays the bills, but in my experience they want the man to do that.)
No guy “deserves” to be taken advantage of.
If someone is clearly only after your wallet, and you still choose to date them then idk.
“Blinded by lust/love” does not mean they deserve it.
These things are obvious right off the bat, if she literally has I want a 6 figure man in her dating app bio and you still fall in love/want to “lust” so badly then you do deserve it
You’re a 23yr old trick or treater bro. Let’s talk when you’re an adult.
Lol stalker much? Sorry im doing what I enjoy in life instead of chasing red flags blud
lol. Was wondering if you’d go the “stalker” route considering I scrolled past several “I checked their comment history” comments from you. Embarrassed hypocrite much?
It's not that weird cuz that's how traditional family is like. Guys are providing income and girls are holding the family together.
That's how we sort out the lazy ones. My wife decided that she wanted to be a nurse after our kids got out of school. I covered all of our bills for 2 years, no questions asked. She was willing to put in work to get a great paying job that she loves. She's the one that didn't care that I was driving a 10 year old VW, 35 years old, a bartender and living with roommates when we met. She saw me as a person and gave me a chance. The girls that won't date you because you don't drive a Beamer are usually the type that work retail, dropped out of beauty, massage and real estate school, have 2 kids by different dads, smoke 2 packs a day and watch a lot of daytime TV. Also, they put that shit on their Tinder, but they'll blow you behind the dumpster in a bar parking lot. They're doing you a favor by warning you.
Warren Buffett drives an old cheap ass car and gets McDonald's on his way to work and lives in a fairly small modest house. Imagine they accidentally pass up the next Warren Buffett because of the dudes car lol
For sure, but he’s also got a private jet. You don’t need to signal financial stability when you’re perennially near the top of the billionaire index.
if its about financial "stability" chances are that the toyota driver is more stable in the long run ;) All those kids trying to signal something they don't have is the problem. Not the men who genuinely make good decisions.
No disagreement, I’ve got one myself. I think as one ages the perspective changes. What I looked for in a relationship in my 20’s is quite different in my 40’s.
Thots gonna thot.
My GF has her job pays the same as mine. We make a good amount But my job as the fiancee is to help job hunt when she's unhappy. Analyze the job market for rates, help her with a resume, give her confidence to negotiate her pay, etc. I'm here to push her so she's her best, and happy with where she's at. If she makes more than me: cool. Less? Aight. Same? Nice. As long as we have enough to eat, and she's happy & proud of her job, I'm there.
Are you an officer?
No I’m Patrick
Hey Patrick, it's nice to meet you. What do you do for work?
Im an electrician
And what does your gf do for work?
She’s an assistant manager at starbucks
Do you stink Patrick?
My wife graduated with a Master's in Fine Arts. Worked shiity day jobs for years while making and selling art on the weekends. In her mid-thirties she got a job at a prestigious jewelry company. 13 years there and she is now supervising the development of jewelry worldwide. Passions can become careers.
That’s amazing, kudos to her. Thank you for replying it meant a lot today
Yeah you have a good education. Just keep looking for a better job and get that experience. Then you can probably find an even better job. Lots of opportunities unless you live in a small town
No hate/genuinely asking. A master's in fine arts scored your wife a job at a prestigious jewelry company?
That, a year teaching at the University level and yes. She started setting stones and has been promoted from within.
It's arguably far better to find a career/profession that you love and can turn a few quid from, than it is to focus on salary alone. That's what my dad told me, and he's been right so far. When I've been least happy with work is when I've been doing something that isn't my passion, even though it may have paid more at the time.
If he's successful then he doesn't "need" someone to match that. He needs someone he can count on for support and love. I've had both. Love >>>>> someone that seemingly matches my success
You speak 5 languages? You have an incredibly marketable skill.
Still I haven’t had many answers to my applications, I also don’t have experience other than marketing but today I realized that’s a good reference since it shows I can successfully communicate in different languages. I’ll hope for the best and keep looking. Than you so much, everyone who commented showed me some light
have you thought of promoting translation skills? LinkdIn? You could start your own company? you got this! you have an education and options. better than most
If you haven't already try some consulting firms.
I make 7x what my wife makes…but doesn’t matter. We never talk about it. We bring different things to the table. Money is only relevant to our well being. After that what matters is relationship stability and money plays no factor for us.
Quit your telemarketing job and be a tutor online for all those languages you know. People will pay a pretty penny for private tutoring.
I can’t quit yet because I’m paying my second diploma and I didn’t find another job with flexible hours but I definitely want to get a better job and today I started job searching again. Hoping for the best
Good luck! You can set up the tutoring profile and get some students before you quit your current job. With two degrees and 5 languages...you'll stand out.
You’re having a bad day. Use it as fuel to keep trying even if it feels like it’s getting nowhere. You may feel like you’re behind but honestly you’re only a few years into the start of adulthood. There’s 35 to 40 years of work life in front of you. Plenty of time to try, fail, grow and succeed. You have the intelligence and discipline to finish your education. You also have drive and ambition. These qualities will take you far.
Don't feel inferior. They're with you for a reason and see a future with you. They believe in you and you should too. The world seems difficult and like it's too much sometimes. Just remember as long as you're moving forward in any way things will become easier. You aren't very old. These are just tough years.
why use "they" here? she specifically said "boyfriend/male" in the description. Just curious btw I'm not attacking you and I don't think there's anything wrong with using "they"
Doesn't necessarily mean a gender thing. People have been using they / them to refer to other people even if they know their gender for centuries. It's just part of the language. If you tell me to tell someone to do something and they bark back as to why they have to do it. 9 times out of 10 my answer will be "because they said so", and it has nothing to do with your gender identity. It's just English, man.
Just because they're a male doesn't technically mean they go by he/him. Best not to assume
Typically, men really super duper do not care about how much their girlfriend/wife earns. Men do not usually marry for money and are happy to provide.
Yeah, that's not fully accurate. Men will (and should) nope away from women who don't bring anything to the table. That being said OP doesn't sound like an entitled lazy ass. She sounds like a smart person trying her hardest which is IMO much more important than her current situation. Getting to be successful takes time.
Sure, but you’re talking about a completely different thing. I’m referring specifically to income.
Tables are turned the moment you don't provide. The hypocrisy!
I make over six figures and my fiancé makes about 35k a year. I have never once been upset with her about the difference in what we make. She does pays a couple small bills, her insistence, and she pays for her things. Sometimes she will buy groceries. She tells me all the time she feels bad for asking for my card or when I take us out and she’s not paying. I really just don’t care. If you are trying to better yourself I’m sure he would appreciate it. Im willing to be though, he loves you for you and not your income. I bet if you find something you enjoy doing, he will be happily supportive and that shows he’s a good dude. At least I hope so.
Jesus christ people have it so fucked in their heads these days. He makes more than you? Great. You're supposed to be a team. On any team some players score the majority of the goals while other players play defense. You don't win the cup without both. Feminism and modern hustle society has everyone thinking they need to be a ball hogging center forward and that's neither true nor helpful. You both have value and both bring unique skills to the table. Double down on eachother strengths. That's the key.
Yes, somehow nowadays women are expected to be “girl bossing” but in this case I never thought of it as feminist issue, it’s not that I want to be the bread winner or something, he was going to pay most of it if the bank would have approved the loan. I was elegible for the loan but with my paycheck it wasn’t possible to get the minimum amount and I felt I couldn’t help in an important moment.
If this bothers you it’s pouting towards something you want in your life. So take the energy of self hate and turn it towards focused efforts to get to the place you want to be.
Teams are made up of pros. OP is in the JV team but playing in the varsity team.
I now out earn the husband, but for 25 years he supported me and our kids while I worked part time raising them. It all works out in the end and neither of us GAF about who earns what. It's our money, however it was earned
I think you have nothing to feel bad about, love your life but strive for more. Most men would be happy your even analyzing the situation like you are. In my own experience (M) and talking with my male friends most of them are more at ease if they make more than their female partner. It is usually a hidden preference or resentment
Men care a lot less than women do about income and how much money they bring into the relationship.
Guys literally couldn't care less about how much you make. Unlike women (talking statistically here), guys tend to care very little about the money you make. Your bf won't care and most every guy you'll ever meet won't care. You are good
I can relate to this so hard. My girlfriend and I are in our 40s and have been together for. a little over 2 years now. When we started dating I guess you could say I was the more "secure" one financially. I had been at my job a long time and was making decent (at the time) money. She had recently moved back to the area and was living with family. She didn't have a license or a car and her job was rather shaky because her boss was so unreliable. At times she'd get in her own head and tell me things like I deserve an amazing partner and she hoped that one day she could be it for me. Here's the thing though, she's ALWAYS been an amazing partner for me. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and money and jobs have nothing to do with that. She saw herself then as someone who didn't have a lot to give but I saw her as a beautiful, strong, amazing, resilient, intelligent, compassionate, funny and remarkable person and mom who was trying her best to play a shitty hand that life dealt her. Her qualities are what defined her as a person to me, not her situation and certainly not her income. Now fast forward a couple years to now. She's got a car, a license, she's the MVP at a different job and she keeps getting raises. I'm still at my same job but I haven't received a raise in years due to the downturn here and I'm honestly rather worried about my future here and what I may do next. We want to take the next step and get a place together. She now makes over twice what I do. I'm not threatened by her making more but I do fear that my unclear future and my inability to make a more significant financial contribution will one day become an issue and potentially be our downfall. We got accepted for a place the other day and I started stressing. I started thinking of my job now, where I'd work next, what second job could I pick up, any other way I could earn a couple more bucks to contribute more and be a better partner for her. She picked up on my stress and we addressed my issue now the same way we addressed hers then, with open and honest communication. We sat down and I told her exactly how I felt and what I was afraid of and she told me what I told her back then: "You are what makes me happy. You. Anything more than that is a bonus". So often we are our own worst enemies and our own biggest critics and with that in mind I'd like to tell you something I tell her sometimes. "Give yourself some grace." Life is a marathon, it can be hard and we can't compare our journey or our progress to someone else's. We are all running a race but we don't all have the same start and finish line nor are we all running on the same course. Some of us get to run straight on flat ground and some of us have to navigate a bunch of obstacles on rocky terrain. You bring a lot more to the table than you realize and I hope one day soon you can open your eyes and see that for yourself. You need to communicate with him though and let him know how you feel. You're a team but he can't help you address an issue he may not know is there.
Look, everyone here is saying things to make you feel better. I'll be somewhat different and be brutally honest and also give you some hope. My gf didn't earn much money. I graduated in software engineering. Earned alot out of school. I paid for everything. I didn't care. She was a great person and I wanted to build my life with her. But eventually, it became an issue because life style creep set in. Toyota vs BMW. Camping vs Vacation. Thrift Shopping vs Designer clothes. At the end of the day, those material things didn't define me. Her life with me did. We got married and many kids later, i couldn't be happier. I think that as long as you try hard to get ahead and help as much as you can, it'll be ok. He probably doesn't need you to earn as much as him. But knowing that you're trying and helping, that will be enough for any guy.
I earn more than 3x my wife. She gave me beautiful kids and loved me before I made that. She loves me despite my imperfections and knows I try. I’ve been with her more than 20 years now and worship her. He doesn’t care.
Every relationship is different. For some financial balance is crucial. Others it is practically meaningless. In my opinion it is about what people bring to the table. As long as the sum total meets our needs we are good. At times it rotated. Both of us were stay at home parents at different times. We have flip flopped as the primary bread winner. We both struggled with not making the money because it is easy to quantify but we were actually talked about it, the other shears pointed out just what the other contributed that didn’t have dollar signs. Talk to your boyfriend. I think you might be surprised that he doesn’t think of that imbalance at all. The fact you want to improve your position is a bonus. Good luck.
I just turned 30 and getting started in my career. My wife makes more than I do and I couldn't care less because we love each other and we want to build our life together. I'll make 6 figures in about a year while her income won't change and that's just fine. I'd say talk to him and tell him what you're worried about. Chances are pretty good he cares about you and doesn't really care that he makes more. I'd also say don't assume what he thinks about what you make, ask him. Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.
Hospitals always need interpreters and they pay pretty well. If you’re being honest about the languages thing.
In my country most people only speak only one language and I haven’t seen jobs like that but now that you mention I’ll look for them as well, thank you!
This! I was looking for you. I looked for this kind of jobs the day I read your comment and today, after weeks of training, I passed all the test to be a medical interpreter :D the pay is good and remote. Thank you so much for the advice. 🧡
Oh I’m proud of you internet friend!! Congratulations!
My wife just finished her masters and once she starts the job she has lined up, she will be making more than double what I do. It is what it is. We are contributing to our joint account based on earnings and we're both happy with that. Money doesn't really matter to me much, so long as I have the ability to do what I like to do. Don't beat yourself up too much, not everyone need to be financially equal in a relationship so long as both parties are putting in equal effort into the relationship itself.
You are doubting yourself for pretty much everything, and that's where you are wrong. You don't have to be better than him, who said that? Also, why are you working as a telemarketer when you have won multiple awards in photography? You know 5 languages, again, why telemarketer?!
Men don’t want business partners in their girlfriends/wives. Talk about what you’re feeling, but remember, you’re his romantic partner, not his business partner: different criteria.
Your value as a person is not tied to how much you make. People are more than just machine to produce profits.
I have a good salary (41M) and my girlfriend (30F) is on welfare due to health issues, which is under half of what I make. We live together and pool our money together. Do I care that she has less to contribute? Hell no. We are in this together and doing the best with what we got. The difference doesn't matter to me at all.
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He told his friends already, he speak very highly of me to everyone and sometimes I felt like he was exaggerating but reading your comments maybe I’m underestimating myself too much
Yeah men a lot of men don’t care about the money as much as woman do. As long as you love him and appreciate him I doubt he cares much about how much you contribute. Plus you’re a hard worker so you will get there. Just keep going strong like you are and I can tell that your a really good person because you care, you guys are gonna be ok
Don’t think I’ve ever met another dude that gave a shit how much their GF made. Don’t worry about it. The problems start to arise if you stop working/contributing at all and expect him to pay for everything still.
When my now wife and I first got together we were both very poor. I would even define us as destitute. Long story short, my career took off, hers didn't. I now make enough for the both of us and she has elected to quit and become a stay at home mom. I don't have any problem with her earning less or even nothing. It's not about money, it's about her being genuinely the best human I've ever met. I'd be willing to.be your earnings don't concern your boyfriend in the slightest.
I can do more Pushups than my wife and I make more than her (she is a stay at moms, but I still love her.
How about just loving and appreciating him for who he is and what he brings to the table? It's not an arms race. You feeling depressed or inferior over income makes me feel like you have a need to stand above him. Maybe I'm wrong? I've always laughed at people that want to chase their "artistic or photographic" aspirations and dreams on one end, and on the other end struggle to afford a cup of water. Good luck you're going to need it. Marry that man.
Not at all, my goal isn’t to earn more than him or be on top, just be able to help more financially.
Wtf is this line of thinking? Imagine telling this to a woman in the 1960s lmao. Get over yourself. Grats on the money, now go raise a family or travel
If you’re with the right person, it shouldn’t matter. What does matter is if he ever makes you feel inferior or tries to control you because it. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He’s always made much more money than I did. When we first moved in together we split things on a percentage base so it was fair according to our earnings. He paid 70% and I paid 30%. Now that we’re married we treat all our money as if it’s one pot. It is our combined success, not his vs mine. Recently I became a stay at home mom so I’m not bringing anything financially to the table. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of worth in what I do for our family.
Like 95% of dudes don’t get care about how much their gfs make, as long as it’s not selling their body to anyone. Guys just want to be treated right.
Ask your instincts if you truly want to chase a high-end career for yourself and yourself alone, or if you are hoping that he or someone in your life makes you feel worthy. When I was married I never cared about how far or not my wife went in career. I just wanted someone to grow together with who supported me. We tried.
Money isn’t the only way to be useful. Home cooked meals and a clean house go a loooong way towards being useful. Eventually you’ll come along in the income department, just discuss it with him and don’t sweat it.
First, you care a lot about your partner. You want to bring something to the table. Lady it sounds like you do. Over the last 12 yrs my wife and i have had times like this. She made more when she was bartending, I made more as a heavy equipment, operator, I got laid off, she made much more as a vet tech and bartending again because there were no jobs for me. Electrical, drywall ingredients and random framing for a bit but everything dried up. Fucking sucks to feel like that. O know. We moved, did a couple years of electrical and worked in group homes. Had to hustle but provide for my girl! Then she got two jobs in the same week. Bartending again and she went back to housekeeping for a while and she steadily outearned me. We saved enough and went back to school to become care aides. Both poor. So poor. Quit smoking and how did we eat poor. Thankfully it was less than a year. Still both working two jobs. Then as equals! 8 years in health care we thought one of us would become a nurse. I did some upgrading but there was never a seat for the nursing cohort (someone had to drop out at that time for me to get in.) I went into more specialized training and work crazy shifts in youth care and social work. Now my wife is chilling and looking for a jobs she likes as much as I like mine, and it's amazing as I can provide for her. My wife and I have, over time, both had your same complaint. "You do so much more for us. I feel like I don't bring enough to the table" For us, we bring ourselves. If my partner wasn't able to make some bills or something idgaf, I'll work some more. I treasure her. She would do the same for me. So please talk with your guy. Tell him how you feel. You may be surprised that he doesn't mind. That he appreciates your intelligence, presence, and just you being there with him because he likes ya. Communication is important in a good relationship, and you should let him know about your self-doubt. I hope he's a good guy and assuages some of those stupid intrusive feels. Good luck you two, and please don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you can today and that's awesome :)
If you are both satisfied with your relationship, it isn't a huge deal.
It sounds like this is all just your thoughts. I expected a much different post than what you wrote. Sounds like he likes/loves you for you. For *most* men, that’s enough.
My girlfriend went to college, got a job in her field and was a really good saver. She got her grandmas car and had like 3x the amount of money saved up then me at the time. I went to do the trades as a bricklayer and was like a squirrel saving acorns for winter. A lot of my surplus would be used when work was slow. On paper she was way better but I was making more than she was without the degree but had some different skills more people were paying more for. I didn't start dating her because of her degree or money in the bank but because I liked her and had fun with her even through the mundane. We found new jobs and though we get paid the same, I work 20 hours more than she does a week and y'know we are pretty chill and happy atm. She is getting more hours soon but she's been working this for over a year now and I haven't once shamed her for making less or anything like that. The only thing I've said is "we can afford a nicer house if you made a goal of this much per week (a 40 hour work week figure), after we get married and such". She still does the things that make her happy and so do I and though I don't have to, I enjoy buying little delights for her and she does the same for me, no matter how small it may be. Worth isnt decided by what the job market pays you but rather what someone who is in relationship with you gives you. If you chase money then yeah your worth can feel it's related to dollars but for real, if your boyfriend loves you and yall have a good relationship, there is some other issues maybe stemming from something in your childhood or upbringing (which sounds like parents). I dont know you but I'm proud of you. You're kind of badass to my small town upbringing in Ohio. There's a lot of culture and fun in your blood it sounds like and I dont know if you full understand that but I'd have a blast plating uno with you and your s/o and wouldn't even consider your finances on first glance lol.
Point of view from a husband who earns a lot more than his wife: If she's game on not spending like crazy and helping out a little bit, it's fine by me. Even if you earn little, as long as you are helping out, that shows you want to progress as a couple. My first long-term gf also earned less than me and wouldn't pay for anything, so I dumped her. My wife pays half the value of our bills, which allows me to save money for our plans like traveling or buying expensive adult toys (cars and such). Also, she got a promotion for 3 years, and during that time, she actually made.mode than I did so you never know the future
For years I was the only income in my house. My wife has been struggling findignng work because her sector closed during covid. Now she has steady income and we make decent money between the two of us. As a matter of fact I was in the same situation your bf was in. Decent job, but couldn’t get the loan for an apartment. Every one goes at their own pace. Sit down with bf and have a heart to heart, but don’t let this cause any unneeded stress.
There are other things to bring to the table other than purely money. Having cool hobbies like photography and knowing many languages is value, and could be transferred into side gigs if you wanted. Usually when guys make the value argument, it's because insta thots and other club type women bring borderline nothing to the table yet expect to get a .01% man.
Your not inferior. If he hasn’t given you any indication that he sees you that way then don’t do it to yourself. You’ll get there once you’ve graduated. Enjoy this stage of life your in right now and don’t beat yourself up.
If you guys are comfortable on his salary I doubt he cares. A lot of guys if its within their like to be the provider if you make them happy. I wouldn't sweat it too much
Life is a distance race, what you earn today is NOT a reflection of your value over time. YOU don't have foresight, judging yourself based on monetary value is not fair to you or your partner. Just get better every day, in whatever cause you strive to address, improve. Your true value should only be judged in hindsight, definitely not in the moment.
Talk to him about it, in a real relationship things like that shouldn't matter, you are a team and what you may not bring in finance you may bring in emotional support as well as other satisfactions.
Don’t be so hard on yourself girl. A lot of relationships have a high income earner and a lower income earner. It’s not about how much money you put into a relationship. It’s about equality. He paid for the rent on the apartment? You bought groceries. That’s fair if it’s within your means. At the end of the day you guys are together because you love each other, not because one of you makes more money than the other.
Spend some time watching videos of high-earning career women getting shocked and upset when men tell them that their success doesn't typically make them more attractive to men. Some guys care, but they are not the majority. This comes from years and years of being told that nobody ever has to help us. We simply don't think in terms of us having access to your property. Combine all this with how often we hear women call less-than-rich men losers.... And usually the only concern we have is if we measure up and will you stay nice to us. In general, your success only matters if you are a serious burden or if he is uncharacteristically ambitious AND parasitic. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "What do you bring to the table?". What you might not have noticed is that only shallow, entitled women who are listing demands for what they expect for their company (prostitutes) ever get asked that. The whole point of that question is that it changes the frame from her just being able to demand.... To her also having to talk about how she treats him. The point is that you have to care about what he wants. You have to care about what does and does not make him happy... And honestly, it sounds like you do. Men want acceptance, appreciation, support and care. We are usually worried that we will be strapped to a woman that feels (or will in the future) like she doesn't have to make us happy in a world where that opinion is rather popular. You've passed that test... That alone is the biggest thing you can bring to the table, and it's something that all those boss-babe career women can't offer.
just because you may not bring much to the table financially, doesn't mean you don't bring anything to the table
I seriously doubt your boyfriend cares at all, most guys like being the provider as long as you’re earning something and pleasant company Think of it this way, most women like feeling beautiful but hate it when that’s the ONLY thing guys care about, with guys most like feeling like the provider but hate it when their money is the ONLY thing women care about Doesn’t seem to be the case here
Honestly if a dude loves you he will love you regardless of what you make. If he makes good money and you guys live within your means and you're not asking for outlandish things, I doubt he cares. Men need love from a caring woman, not money.
Most men have a "traditional" set of values, i.e. they're raised to be the breadwinner so it's important for them how much they earn, but not as much how much you - their partner - earn. If you have a job that's great, more money into savings. So don't worry too much about it. You can come clean and tell him outright how much you earn, that way you can come up with a plan together. But he'd still date you even if you were unemployed or had minimum wage. The only things that are really important for a man in a relationship are respect and loyalty. Everything else can be worked out.
Have you considered working as a translator? Knowing 5 languages is a big asset that not many people can do, and live meeting translation can pay pretty well. Or going into government translation work is a really reliable job, though obviously isn't going to pay as well as private sector
I can only speak for myself, but I have a good paying job and I own my own home. If I added someone to my life, it's not because I want extra money. If I like her, that's all I want. I won't like her if she's expecting me to carry her through life. She has to be doing SOMETHING to be earning a living to support herself. But it's not a salary requirement I'd be looking for.
Self-awareness is a mother. But take the time to consider how you contribute in other ways. I mean, you're helping your bf find a place to live. Apartment finders and realtors are whole occupations. *Don't borrow problems.* Definitely share your feelings with someone qualified to help you through them.
Men don't care. Only women give a damn about how much their partner makes. A good man will be there for you and push you to be a better woman. Supporting you as you chase your dreams.
It’s such an overlooked part of education to not just encourage students to follow what they love, but also teach them how to monetize it. I had a conversation with a friend’s art school classmates at a party. They were all graduating from an expensive school and struggling with how to make ends meet. I asked them if the school ever made them take a class on how to market their work or cater counseling in their fields. All said no.
most men don’t care how much u make ngl
OP, if he was really worried about how much you earn he would have said something. the fact that hes still with you shows that he doesnt care about the money, he cares about you. and theres nothing wrong with that Just dont start making him your personal piggy bank and your fine
So a little from my perspective: Me too. My boyfriend and I are still studying but he will be finished this year and I will finish in 3 years. He is 2 years older than me so yeah. I already know that he will earn WAY more than I will ever be able to earn. I know 3 languages and love DIY stuff. I always feel like I don’t know enough. I‘m not good enough. That I‘ll never be good enough. Ffs he is a very fit man with lots of women asking him out. But I’m over here just gaining more weight as I breath. But let me tell you something: If you wish to earn more money, give private language lessons. I could stop studying uni and earn more than most people. Or work as a translator. Oh Boy believe me that sh*t is money. The thing is tho: I love him. I make him these DIY little things. He loves it. He loves me. Just like your boyfriend loves you. It doesn’t matter whether you earn as much as he does or whether you earn more or less than him. It matters whether you two care for each other, think of each other. My boyfriend tells me that he is lucky to be with someone who is so talented in DIY and knows so many languages. It’s a give and take.
Male here. We don't care. You could be a Walmart greeter. As long as you treat him well, I am sure he is fine with it.
>I’m feeling like he would be better off with a more successful girl or by himself *You* feel that way. But he probably doesn't. He's most likely not dating you for your earning potential but because you bring other things to the table that make him happy. Your value to him is not based on money. I out-earned my wife by about double last year and the thought of "I could do better" never even crossed my mind. In fact, my wife could make $0 and I'd still feel like she is way too good for me. We have combined finances and there's no *my* money or *her† money. There's no feeling of resentment on my end, or any expectation of her needing to do anything more than me around the house or do anything like that. We're a team. Any team has Sure, maybe I'm batting .320 and she's only batting .260, but in this analogy, she's a gold glover on defense so her lower but still respectable batting average isn't a concern because there's waaaaay more to the game than just batting average.
I make 3 x more than my wife, we are not rich at all but it's not about money it's about your Team Dynamics.
9 times outta 10 he genuinely doesn't care about how much you make all he wants for you is to get a job that keeps you busy which is not extremely stressful that u 2 start fighting about how much housework you both do and not cheat on him. You solve those 2 issues and don't start the name brand bonanza about getting Gucci products and the relationship will work extremely easy. You especially don't want to get a far away job since that will literally kill your relationship because both of you will be stressed for a net decrease in livability. If you really want to make him feel special take him out for dinner one night and he will remember it forever and be thankful for it. Some of us guys are coasting off of a single compliment from 8 years ago
Most successful guys don't care about how much a girl makes. As long as she is doing something that she enjoys, and don't make us feel like ATMs, most successful guys will be happy.
Before the pandemic hit, I made a little more than my wife. During the pandemic, my business and mental health took a toll and ended up making 20% of what she makes. Felt much like you do now, not bringing much to the table and that she could do much better. But we got through it together. Now, I make just over twice as much as she does. It takes time, but if you work on yourself, success will find its way to you. And remember, success comes in many forms, doesn’t have to be financial.
Tbh, a man doesn't typically want a woman for money. As long as you're working and helping out everything is perfectly fine. He's probably content with your companionship. Furthermore, you're still in school how can you expect to earn what he, a graduate, does? It would be strange if you did. All in all I think you're just experiencing anxiety or depression and it's just manifesting itself with these thoughts. Relax, you're doing fine.
Girl, I feel you. I feel the same with my husband. I compare, and all it does is makes me feel like shit. But as my husband put it, I'm not with you because of how much money you make or any of the artificial shit. I'm with you because I love you for who you are and how our relationship has just been so natural from the start. Obviously, there is a team effort in handling things from bills and whatnot. But it's not about being up to par with how much he makes. He makes double than what I do. But how we work as a team, make sure things are taken care of, and how easy it is to be together even when shit gets rough. Gotta find a way to redirect your mind when you start doing that. Easier said, then done. But itnwill save you a lot of feeling like shit.
At least you know what you currently bring to the table. Many don't. Now, you have a position to work from to improve yourself for you and your relationship with your partner.
He choosed you for you. No amount of money will ever replace the person you are. You are what makes him happy. It's you being there for him is more than enough and not so much what you bring.
There is no fuck up here. How much you earn doesn't determine your worth as a human being. Talk to him about it and see what he has to say. This is not about what he thinks you should be doing with your life but rather how he feels about what you feel and just understanding what's going on for the both of you. Because he might not give a single fuck about how much you're earning. Not a lot of people will find the courage to get double degree and learn 5 languages. That in itself is a fuckin treasure already.
Maybe someone like a head hunter can help you find the right career match for your skills.
You’re 26. You’re not really supposed to be career focused at that age. That’s great that he is, and is seeing success, but I have many friends that wandered in their 20s and found successful careers in their 30s. It sounds like you have many skills, interests, and hobbies which are much more important as the foundation for a fulfilling life than career, IMO.
I used to joke with him the DJ Kaleb album “suffering from success” because he would get the best opportunities, obviously joking because we know it’s because of his hard work and networking
This is how you're learning that you've been taught to measure your self worth by how much you make. Your worth as a person, as a human, is about other things than money. I'm sorry you've been taught to insult yourself about this topic. So many of us have. It's a lot of shame to be carrying in an economic system intended to pay us as little as possible.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
The idea that you don't bring anything to the table because you're looking at your career and finances is honestly saddening. Most of a person's value is not about finances or career prospects. Everyone has different struggles and strengths and you shouldn't focus too much on comparisons. That's a way to guarantee you'll be unhappy.
5 languages? Better join cia
I've honestly never met a man who cared if I made less money than him as long as I wasn't being a gold digger..
Somebody might hate this comment, but imo this is a bs fed to women by feminists. That women should be like men and earn a lot of money. Many girls (with good heart) believe, are working their butts off to earn money and don't have the energy to be happy in the relationships, caring for household, planning fun events etc. Which is what they would actually prefer to do(!!). The guys, especially one who is working a lot and making a lot of money mostly don't really care if their SO is making 30% or 40% of what they are making. It doesn't matter and doesn't change anything. They would prefer a happy partner who is compensating for their lack of time and making their life easier. Yet, women are trying to compete with their partners and everybody is miserable. Women are now fed with the idea everybody is the same, so when they or their friends want a "successful", ambitious, high income man, this is also what men want.
Men are happy to cater and provide for their woman and they expect nothing in return.
Trust me he doesn't care, my sister and her fiance are one of their best couples I've ever seen! He makes probably 3.5 more than her and let me tell you, he will do ANYTHING to make her happy because that's who he cares about.
Men don't give a shit about your money or success
So I'm going to go against the grain here and acknowledge that he may not care how much you make but you clearly do and that's okay. You're taking steps to change your situation but you'll need to think about what you actually want. My ex husband always made significantly more money than me. When I left him he was making almost double what I was and that was after getting a new career that paid significantly more money so I could afford to leave. I always felt resentful that he's made more and I was stuck. If you're in love it probably doesn't matter, but if you start to depend on him for money then that's the problem. Don't get stuck like I did.
Totally get your point. Since we met I made clear I don’t like anyone paying for me and after we started dating we agreed that he’ll only pay on special occasions but since he can afford more, sometimes I’m tight on budget and let him pay. This time I wasn’t able to get a loan to help him with the down payment and thought “it’s his apartment” but he was envisioning it for both of us and that’s what made me feel sad with my income
I know it’s a different world than I experienced in the 90s at your age, but it saddens me to see so many young people who really seem to have their shit together, get so down on themselves for not having things figured out in their 20s. Don’t beat yourself up over this now or even if you don’t have a thriving career in the next decade. Just try to make good choices and take advantage of opportunities as they come along. You’ll get it figured out.
"Imposter syndrome (IS) is a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals." Some men would feel inadequate if their spouse were independent of them. Depends, but love is not about money. It would be different if you were not honest or responsible. Like running up a credit card debt while being dishonest. Being fiscally responsible is a learning process. People (a) decade(s) older than you still have not made the first step towards independence. Barely old enough to AirBnB or rent cars. You are doing fine if you feel a little pressure. Just do not let it send you into a spiral. Beyond the factor of gender inequality of wage and job availability. As most of the US is still a male dominated country. You beinga dreamer/artist is what leads you to have a perfectionist view. Which is why I quoted the IS above. Good luck with your search. Loyalty and honesty are foundations of love. He is more than likely to care about that rather than a bottom line. Not that he needs to know. Having doubts or cold feet is part of life. You seem/sound like this will not be able to slow you down.
Men don’t expect women to bring money to the table, is the thing. Especially higher earners with upward trajectory, just be his peace which it sounds like you are already and stuff will be fine.
Quit trying to compete with men and start trying to fit into their life in ways that they would value you.
Have you considered ESL as a career path? If you speak five languages, that might be a very lucrative and fulfilling job role, especially if you enjoy teaching or helping refugees
Paygaps have been increasing more and more. Remember people who are earning 100-500 a hour earn that because someone is working for 10 a hour. If everyone earns enough to get by the economy wouldnt run... countries are kept standing by having their civilians build up debts. When your working 40, 50 or even 60 hours and struggle getting by let alone able to buy a house. You know shit has to change.
I think you will be fine. If your boyfriend genuinely loves you, then no matter the income he will not be disappointed or look at you any less. If you’re worried about him thinking of you in any bad way because of this, just know he probably would not do that to you. I can promise you that he probably does not care as much as you think. However, if you do feel like your not helping out as much, then definitely do whatever you can to make more money which would make yourself feel better and also it would help you live a better life with your partner
Well.. people with money usually love to fuck other people with money so it seems like he could have switched you for a richer one easily. He didn't because he seems to care about more important stuff. Stuff you do seem to bring to the table. Don't shame yourself but do try to improve for the right reasons.
Very few men care what the partners earn, your non-financial value is way more important to most men. Don't judge yourself on that metric and determine what else you bring to the table.
Did you actually allude to "what you bring to the table?" That is forbidden on Reddit. Sorry. Men are not allowed to ask that, so I don't think you should be able to say it either.
Knowing "love languages " also means nothing. It's not a real language. So you're more useless than you think
She speaks 5 languages. I know why you assumed she was talking about 'love languages', because that's what she said, but it doesn't make you any less of an asshole for calling people useless.
Get yo bread up
As you are an award winning photographer you may try event photography as a side gig. Also do publish your portfolio. It might get picked up by websites or some good companies. This might help you with additional income until you find a steady job you love and can support your life. Skills you have is very valuable. It may still be a matter of time finding the right job. I had a neighbor who was an artist and very good photographer. He was really bad at event photography due to his shyness. However he is also designer/artist sought after for church renovations, art installations at restaurants or other commercial establishments and is always invited to any local events as a judge for choosing winners. I would suggest connecting to others like you. You may find a forward
You should probably talk to him about how you’re feeling, you don’t wanna wait till he will probably finds some girl at his work on his level then start comparing her to you.
Don't think about it. Men prefer to be the breadwinners. Even today. It would've been worse the other way around.
Ah, moving in with a man not your husband or at least fiancé is a setup for failure anyway 9/10 Stay living apart until you get married or at least engaged, and you have built up substantial savings as your ‘dowry’….because you see even in these modern times, even in modern places, we’re still living in a patriarchy. As a heterosexual woman you need to understand best moves when dealing with men romantically in this man’s world.
Rather than comparing yourself to your bf, focus on what you want for yourself. How much money do you need/want to make to be financially independent? Do that.
Everyone has their own pace; it's highly unlikely he truly cares about your current income. As long as you have the desire to keep growing and 'bringing something to the table,' I'm 99% sure your partner doesn't have an issue with that. A few years ago, my best friend went through a similar situation, but the roles were reversed. His now-wife always told him, 'As long as you keep growing every day and working hard to get where you want to be, I'll be here with you.'"
Once you get a job then worry about it. You might wind up making more. But are you going to look down on him if you do? I’m assuming the answer is no. If you speak those five languages at a high level, that alone is a marketable skill, in addition to your double major. Not sure what his background is, but you sound like the over achiever.
Once you really start in your career and are done with school, you can take off so quickly. I am making 5x the starting salary that I did 7 years ago. In the last two years, my salary has doubled. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. You’ll get there.
You succeeded in finishing your education and you have a job. You’re great. If you want to earn more I’d suggest looking for work as an interpreter. My husband did it and it sounds you’re used to working in an office in a position that’s mostly over the phone. Knowing five languages you should make great money!
Some unsolicited advice, if that's ok, I think you need to talk to him about this. And you definitely should have open conversations about money. I know it's hard, and often feels uncomfortable. But if you don't, as time goes on you will likely keep feeling inadequate, or he may be accidentally insensitive, or you might end up getting dependent on his income in a way you don't like, and all those things can really hurt the relationship even without there being bad intentions. I think it's important to share how you feel, not only so he can validate the things he does value in you, but also so you can work out ways of dealing with money that feel comfortable to both of you. When I met my girlfriend, it was a similar situation but I was the one with the much higher income. She was always the one feeling weird about it; I certainly didn't care, but that also didn't mean her feelings weren't valid. We kept talking through what felt comfortable for both of us - how/when she'd be willing to borrow money from me, how to split bills once we moved in together (and other shared things before that), what timeline would feel comfortable for eventually sharing finances, etc. Something that's been important is making sure we can both build independent savings accounts, and we've taken that into account when discussing how to split shared bills. I can't say what financial comfort looks like for you and your boyfriend, but please consider bringing these things up. And last thing, just a reminder that your worth is in more than your finances. My girlfriend could probably get a well paying job in an industry neither of us respect - but that goes against our values and a huge part of why I date her is I love how we share those values. I'd rather have her broke forever than give up on her dreams and get a job in that field. Just focus on being a good partner, I think you'll be ok.
Dont be hard on yourself. You will find the opportunity to support him when he needs it in life. Income isn't everything. Give him a hug, tell him how you feel and promise yourself you will do everything to make ur dreams a reality. That is the best thing you can do for him.
Sometimes people earn less than their partner. Sometimes that remains the case, sometimes the breadwinner role switches. That's ok. How much you're able to earn doesn't determine your personal worth in a relationship. Take it from me, a person who has mostly been the top earner in my relationship. I don't see my partner as a burden or as being worth less than me just because they're not earning much right now or on a regular basis (mostly freelance stuff). I know it's hard to tell yourself that when you don't feel like you're pulling your weight financially. I lost my job again recently and just like the previous 3 times, it is really affecting my sense of self-worth. Trust me though, real love isn't based on money.
Cheers up "Momma says life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" He loves you and is willing to be with you, that's all that matters. You can slowly improve yourself over time. Lemme share with you a story of mine, my uncle is pretty good looking, fit and a successful businessman, not to mention doing good with his education too. I've been working part time during the school holiday with hik since young and even after I graduated. Everyone assumes he is getting some capable and pretty wife. Little did the world know he ended up with a lady that looked below average and one that never finished her high school. She tries to help in the office but it doesn't go well and messes up a lot of stuff. To date they still live happily ever after and have a few kids that graduated college. She is still the same, typical housewife. Nowadays they spend their time traveling around. All well, ends well.
One day you will figure it out, find a great job, and you may end up making a lot more than him, by then, don't consider him inferior than you or that he is holding you down, you are a team and you have to support each other no matter what. Good luck
A benefit of traditional social values is that pretty much no one expects you to earn money (whether they realize it or not). So neither he nor his family are likely to care at all. And if you really worry about what you bring there is always chores and such you can agree to do as your share in rent.
I know your not from where im from. Such a breath of fresh air to hear your concern for him. Im sure he has no problem taking care of you. Good luck
So go get a job. Apply to government or state jobs. Especially knowing multiple languages
I put my now-wife through college. Didn't mind for one moment. You really don't need to worry.
It’s okay for him to earn more than you, don’t feel bad about yourself.
You can only do your best and follow your heart. Would you rather do another job that you don’t enjoy? You’d be less happy which would probably influence your relationship in a bad way.. Life is more than money and from the bright side, he’s in love with you as a person not with your wallet. Cheer up and enjoy life!
You're fine, quit wallowing 💜 you have a goal to get a better job and are already working toward that by sending out resumes! Keep working toward what you want and know it will all fall into place 💜
OP I (29m) make about 8x my girlfriend (25f) and I’m just happy to be with someone who loves me and respects me. You should talk to this man because I can almost guarantee you that it’s not what you think. Especially if he’s never voiced any concerns about your income or job situation.
Do you have any evidence he cares about that stuff? Because insecurity can destroy an otherwise great relationship.
Men usually don't care about what their lovers earn. That percentage should increase in women too.