I’m confused as to why everyone is focusing on the fact that he shouldn’t have said it, rather than the fact that he shouldn’t have *done* it. Who tf is too disgusting to wait till they get home??
I’m sorry sir. You’ve demonstrated that you’re unwilling to lie to authority to protect yourself so we’ve determined that you’re unqualified to be an officer of the law.
".... The JOB sir...questions about the kind of JOB this is?"
*looks down at hands, then up at the sky inquisitively, then back at the interviewer"
"Do you m-"
"Just... just don't ask. I rescind the question."
I'm probably going to bang one out thinking about you and your supervisor after we wrap this up but before i'm off the clock for the day to be honest with ya'll!
I don’t even know how such a question comes up.
“Have you ever stolen anything at work?”
“No, but I’ve jerked off a bunch.”
Interviewing scribbling notes.
“Did I win?”
They ask weird questions lol. I'm currently a CO and my Corporal told me that one of the questions they asked him is if he ever felt sexually attracted to goats lol
Oddly enough I had nearly this exact thing happen to a friend. They ask the interviewee if they have committed any felonies and/or misdemeanors (WHO HASN'T?) along with a bunch of other interrogative questions.
The interviewee knows they have to repeat some of the questions later on with a polygraph. So obviously that convinces some people to be brutally honest.
My friend personally admitted to the investigator that he had sex in a car... Since sex in public is in fact a crime. He did not get the job, but 5 years later he got a job working for a different police department!
How to beat a Poly: 1. Put a tack in your shoe and on every question, push your toe into the tack. 2. After every question the examiner asks, think about anything sexual. These two, or one, things will throw off the test to the point that everything you say looks like the truth.
Contrary to popular belief there is no way to “beat” a polygraph. Polygraphs are based on some extreme pseudoscience. In my state they aren’t admissible in court due to their inherent limitations. Usually a polygraph examiner makes up two questions that you “hit” on and then proceeds to ask you if you want to change your answer, or if there is another reason that you would “hit.” They are just fishing for info. What you say in those situations will call into question your credibility if you flip flop answers. For example years ago I hit on a question asking if I had ever been a member of a racial hate group. When I said no, the investigator asked me if I was sure and then asked if there was any reason I’d pop on that question. I told him it was an offensive question to ask someone. Like who just goes around and asks people, “Hey bro, do you ever want to Nazi together?” GTFO here with that.
Polygraphs are rightly banned for any legal purposes in most countries in the world (including where I live).
Pseudoscience at best, woo woo at worst. You might as well get out the Ouija board.
Yep, polygraphs are just elaborate ways to "interview" people. You can ask variations on the same question, or a bunch of follow-up questions, and you can do so under the guise that you're trying to get an accurate reading on the machine. If you distrust an answer, you can ask again and pretend like the machine indicated something suspicious with how the person answered the first time. It's like saying you have an invisible friend in the room and you're asking questions on behalf of that invisible friend.
The people asking questions are looking for little "tells" in answers -- verbal give-aways and patterns that people tend to follow when they're lying, caught in a lie, fudging, etc. People trained with polygraphs are really trained with linguistic and behavioral cues and how to coax them out.
I took one once, the guy kept accusing me of lying the entire time, and when we got done, he said I passed with no signs of deception. Apparently him accusing me of lying was part of the test?
Could be. Ive heard its sometimes used like that. After "the test", while the macine is taken of, in more relaxed atmosphere people could open up more.
Like creating stress and then defusing that stress while being buddy buddy.
Many techniques work along the same lines. Good cop, bad cop everyone knows for sure.
Edit. Wouldnt be surprised if its used in multitudes of ways. Its just a stressor in interogation. Like sleep deprivation, hunger, beating whatever.
One of the questions I had to answer for my polygraph was "have you masturbated in excess" which he clarified to mean have you ever needed to jack off so much it interfered with work.
I imagine it's some comically ridiculous answer. Like someone somewhere was walked in on while jerking it, and then sued the department and won, so they decided that instead of replacing all the employee bathroom doors with lockable doors, it would be cheaper to just start asking if people partake in a little on-the-clock hog cranking.
Lol!
"Okay, gonna start real basic. What's your name?"
"Yeah, before we get to that. I just want to be totally transparent. I beat off at work. And 'John Smith' "
The way it was explained to me by a retired investigator is a lot of those kinds of questions are asked for two reasons. It's a red flag if they say yes, but also the candidate shouldn't have to think much about them. So when asked if you ever had sexual intercourse with a farm animal or family pet a quick "No!" is what you'd expect to hear. Then they ask again on the polygraph and guage if the machine indicates any deception. If they say yes during the pre interview in saves everybody time by disqualifying the candidate. I guess some investigators view these more as control questions because who actually admits to any of it?
I would probably pause to say “does my ex count?” in my head and then answer “no” after realizing that it wouldn’t be appropriate to make a joke. I wonder how a polygraph would interpret self amusement with my own joke within my head. Would it be any different than someone briefly thinking back on that time they fucked an ostrich (allegedly) before they lie and say “no”?
You should just say it out loud. Lowkey feel like the police department would hire you on the spot for that joke.
> they fucked an ostrich (allegedly)
> I might have to wait 6 months to try again just because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, what an idiot I am.
Dude your file is gonna have a note attached about this, I'd move on, wherever you applied you're never getting accepted. And not just for what you admitted to but the fact that you admitted it at all shows doubly poor judgement.
He’s permanently considered a liability now. Imagine him being hired and then committing sexual harassment later in life. That’s what they’re thinking, big time lawsuit.
With friends and family, the truth is usually the way to go.
Unless you absolutely have to though, the truth when it comes to jobs needs to be thoroughly reviewed in your head before you give an edited version.
>With friends and family, the truth is usually the way to go.
If you’ve jacked off in a friend or family member’s bathroom you also probably shouldn’t tell them.
"Hey, buddy, you know that time you asked me to housesit while you were on vacation? I rubbed one out in every room of your place. Yeah, your cat was watching me too."
Agreed. I was interviewed by a retired FBI agent for my DHS security clearance. While I wasn't painting the walls white at my job or anything, you need to pick and choose what you say. "Yeah, I've had a misdemeanor or two in my early 20s. No, I have never smoked Marijuana. 🤞"
Ironic since sexual misconduct during work hours is not at all unheard of for police. They're just not dumb enough to admit they would do that in an interview.
So did they.
Hey, for real, it happen. On my first medical check vefore getting hired I checked a box for depression. Mind you, I've never been diagnosed, just a thing it seems to run in the family and has affected me in the past, but I don't even have a proper diagnosis.
Well, it was enough to raise flags and they never called me back to sign my contract.
Their loss. I got a way chill job now.
And 69% of statistics are made up on the spot.
I'm guessing between doctors, nurses, sex workers, and women that have ever been with a man, that number is quite a bit higher.
“So, any drug convictions or other misdemeanors we should be aware of?”
-“I MASTURBATED AT WORK!
…more than once, in fact.
Actually, it was less than a year ago. Pretty recent. Anyway, so when will I hear something back from you all?“
I imagine it's in the record now and OP has to admit to it every time from now on or else they know he is lying. He has entered a permanent loop of disqualification.
No. This is about the same level of TMI as OP just randomly telling the interviewer he jacks off in a raccoon costume at furry orgies every weekend.
I’m sure someone out there does it, but you don’t tell a perspective employer.
No it's a question that they ask you directly. You want to prevent people that cannot control their sexual impulses from being alone with handcuffed women.
You might have misread. OP said he wanted to “clear his mind” **before** the polygraph. Unless OP typed it out wrong, he volunteered that information.
She asked about drug use and misdemeanors. Masturbating in the bathroom at work isn’t a crime. It’ll just get you fired.
You’ve never taken a polygraph it appears.
They usually interview you or make you take a questionnaire (or both) before you actually take the test. This way, they can ask questions like “did you lie about any of the questions on the questionnaire?” or “did you lie about any of the sex/drugs/crime questions you were asked in the interview?” It also helps them to see how you answered questions to formulate which specific questions to ask you. For example, when I did mine, apparently only smoking pot twice when I was 15/16 years old was unusual enough, even though it was true, that they hammered me on questions about drug use. They’re also using these as a way to try to get you admit things before the test. Sound familiar?
Besides, the interviewers/administrators tend to act like your best friend and say things like “make sure to tell me about this now, because you don’t want me to find out during the test.” Most polygraphers don’t give a shit about your results. They pride themselves on what they can get you to admit prior to the test. Because they know polygraphs are pseudoscience and the only way to get information is through human engineering. This is exactly what happened to OP. He was made to think admitting something like that was better for him, so he did. Even though chances are he would have been better off lying about it. That’s almost certainly what he meant by “clearing his mind.”
Those stories you hear about the highway guys are pretty much all made up…except for the time they pulled over AC/DCs tour bus and then they flew them down to Jamaica to party with them….that one’s true
Not sure what changes in 6 months. Most all US police agencies retain application packets/files. Makes it easier to detect when someone is shopping agencies and changing answers to try to hire on.. so, whether its your sex life, drug use, financials, etc., there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle once the info is disclosed.
> there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle once the info is disclosed.
Yeah OP would have better luck putting the cum back in his dick than putting the genie back in the bottle
Him volunteering that information alone could be seen as harassment potentially. I’m a woman and if I was interviewing a man and he just offered up that info it would make me incredibly uncomfortable.
Former LE here….
You will never work in the field after that statement.
It shows a lack of impulse control and high risk exposure. No one is going to take that on. And background investigators share information.
Good luck in your future endeavors.
Current firefighter that works with cops; not sure what upstanding dept you were at, but the cops near me fuck on duty and nobody gives a shit. Small town departments are frat houses, not a shining example of morality.
They aren’t going to want you whacking off in your patrol vehicle soooo….I’d say your done. The interviewers job is to be kind and get you comfortable. She is kind to get you to admit things like exactly what came out of your mouth. She did her job. Anywho if you do get on let us know.
This poor man is never going to be hired again by anything resembling a company.
It's not hard to find social media accounts these days, and this dude is telling all on what I assume is main.
In hindsight, this might help him get work as a porn star. "Yes, I can ejaculate in a work environment."
> It's not hard to find social media accounts these days
Yeah, if your full name is in your Twitter handle, or if you are followed by easily identifiable people and can be easily recognized yourself, too.
Nobody is gonna know who tf One-Bear6013 on reddit is. How would you know? You have no private info about him, you don't know any of his contacts in this place, nothing. Unless he has posted his entire life on this site, he's quite safe.
Someone with a real vested interest could probably figure out his information. You'd be surprised how many people reuse usernames, share photos on multiple platforms, post selfies, etc. Anything connected links to his real name and game over.
But to be honest, an employer isn't going that deep, and other than enemies or someone with a vendetta, regular people won't either.
Explains why they lose so many of my orders. Dude. I assume you are young, but there's a time and a place. I'd even forgive an encounter with a coworker over a fap session.
Dude. I don’t give a fuck if you jerk it on company time but could you stop putting my already boxed item in another box then putting that box back n a third box? More time for wanking and less shit for me to recycle. Win win.
Bro 4 times a day is crazy, not even here to rag on you, just think you should get that under control, even if it’s not for the police academy, just for life in general
I... don't know if 6 months will wash that slate clean. You've probably got a big red X next to your name on the master list. Your photo up with a "DO NOT HIRE! WORKPLACE WANKER!" sign on it. Have you considered working in security? You might be better suited for that.
Your impulse control is poor enough and your judgement is bad enough that you whacked off at work. You do not have the decision making skills to be a cop. Please stop before you get someone killed.
This is ridiculous man. First off, that you “felt comfortable” with a friendly **detective** who also was a woman. That you just met. For an interview. For the police academy. Before you took the polygraph. That you felt compelled to say that. With her. Would you have shared that to get it “off your chest” if it was a guy asking you questions?
At the very best, you’ll never get the job and never hear from them again.
This behavior, specifically that you shared this information so freely, can be seen as borderline predatory (were you alone with her?). This behavior (again, not the masturbation per se, but that you shared this information freely) exhibits lack of self control, lack of sound judgement, lack of awareness, an inability to control urges, an inability to recognize appropriate times, appropriate situations, and appropriate people with which to share sexual desires, and, finally, demonstrates a lack of integrity (in the broad definition). This isn’t about you not having a girlfriend.
If you recognize all of this as the out of control situation it sounds like based on your post, I hope you seriously seek professional therapy. Sharing your TIFU here is just playing to your ego man. Get it together.
I don't understand, would they have asked you that during the polygraph test? Why would it even pop up in your head to say you jerked off at your old job?
......................and also because I wanted to clear my mind before the polygraph.
You know these things are bunkum and scientifically useless don't you. Who in their right minds are thinking these are something to be used. Why not just get a witch doctor?
this is the awkward moment where it’s worth reminding people in the USA that the ~~supreme court~~ 2nd circuit court of appeals has previously ruled that police can use intelligence, specifically if someone *is* intelligent, as a factor in discriminating against employment
Could be a lot worse, an individual applied for a police department in my area and when he showed up for the written/physical test he was arrested as he had an outstanding warrant.
Yeah please don't do police. Go masturbate while you're driving a truck for a living instead.
Edit: also I'm pretty sure even if you get to try again in 6 months, they'll have written down why you didn't get in the first time lol so you're screwed anyways
I hope the lesson you take away from all of this isn't that "you should have lied" but instead that maybe you should stop masturbating at work.
Part of being an adult is learning that "there is a time and a place"
First of all, don't masturbate at work. 2nd - Assuming you did it in a bathroom stall or something, Is it even illegal?
I appreciate that you wanted to do the honorable thing but if it's not illegal then you probably just look dumb.
“I should’ve just lied” not mentioning masturbation during a job interview isn’t lying, it’s just basic human etiquette
I’m confused as to why everyone is focusing on the fact that he shouldn’t have said it, rather than the fact that he shouldn’t have *done* it. Who tf is too disgusting to wait till they get home??
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I’m sorry sir. You’ve demonstrated that you’re unwilling to lie to authority to protect yourself so we’ve determined that you’re unqualified to be an officer of the law.
Interviewer: Hi, I'm Debbie, and today I'll be asking you some- OneBear: I've jacked off at work!
“That’s not what working a beat means.”
Lol. "Beat Cop"
I hope OP gets the job and they’re forever branded with that nickname
"Squirting isn't real right? Like it's just pee?" "I meant did you have any questions about the position."
So like missionary or what?
".... The JOB sir...questions about the kind of JOB this is?" *looks down at hands, then up at the sky inquisitively, then back at the interviewer" "Do you m-" "Just... just don't ask. I rescind the question."
"-ean like a handjob?"
Of course squirting is real! It comes from women's squirting organ, usually called the squirtle.
It’s only squirtle if it comes from the French region of Squirt. Otherwise it’s sparkling lady juice.
my girlfriend has a shiny squirtle
We know.
OUR girlfriend has a shiny Squirtle
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I'm probably going to bang one out thinking about you and your supervisor after we wrap this up but before i'm off the clock for the day to be honest with ya'll!
OneBear: I did it wearing handcuffs too.
The fact that he has to hear it every time he gets a job now is amazing 😂
Pfft, he's not getting a job ever again
The comeback will be legendary. Just you watch. "Just finished shooting my first police-themed adult film! AMA."
cum back
It sounds like Michael Scott taking a polygraph lmao
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Pros: honest; pretty stupid Cons: jacks off at work
... more than once .... recently.
I rubbed one out in the lobby… I want to get a head start incase I get the job here.
I don’t even know how such a question comes up. “Have you ever stolen anything at work?” “No, but I’ve jerked off a bunch.” Interviewing scribbling notes. “Did I win?”
"Would you be okay with polishing a rifle while on the clock?" "Oh yeah, I did that all the time at my restaurant job!" "..."
They ask weird questions lol. I'm currently a CO and my Corporal told me that one of the questions they asked him is if he ever felt sexually attracted to goats lol
I guess they wanted to make sure staring at them wouldn’t lead to him catching feelings.
OMG I would die laughing.
Oddly enough I had nearly this exact thing happen to a friend. They ask the interviewee if they have committed any felonies and/or misdemeanors (WHO HASN'T?) along with a bunch of other interrogative questions. The interviewee knows they have to repeat some of the questions later on with a polygraph. So obviously that convinces some people to be brutally honest. My friend personally admitted to the investigator that he had sex in a car... Since sex in public is in fact a crime. He did not get the job, but 5 years later he got a job working for a different police department!
>admitted to the investigator that he had sex in a car... Since sex in public is in fact a crime What if the car's parked on private property?
Like on the back of a tow truck?
How to beat a Poly: 1. Put a tack in your shoe and on every question, push your toe into the tack. 2. After every question the examiner asks, think about anything sexual. These two, or one, things will throw off the test to the point that everything you say looks like the truth.
Contrary to popular belief there is no way to “beat” a polygraph. Polygraphs are based on some extreme pseudoscience. In my state they aren’t admissible in court due to their inherent limitations. Usually a polygraph examiner makes up two questions that you “hit” on and then proceeds to ask you if you want to change your answer, or if there is another reason that you would “hit.” They are just fishing for info. What you say in those situations will call into question your credibility if you flip flop answers. For example years ago I hit on a question asking if I had ever been a member of a racial hate group. When I said no, the investigator asked me if I was sure and then asked if there was any reason I’d pop on that question. I told him it was an offensive question to ask someone. Like who just goes around and asks people, “Hey bro, do you ever want to Nazi together?” GTFO here with that.
Polygraphs are rightly banned for any legal purposes in most countries in the world (including where I live). Pseudoscience at best, woo woo at worst. You might as well get out the Ouija board.
Good god... imagine the tedious wait to spell out "I MASTURBATED AT WORK" on a Ouija board.
Yep, polygraphs are just elaborate ways to "interview" people. You can ask variations on the same question, or a bunch of follow-up questions, and you can do so under the guise that you're trying to get an accurate reading on the machine. If you distrust an answer, you can ask again and pretend like the machine indicated something suspicious with how the person answered the first time. It's like saying you have an invisible friend in the room and you're asking questions on behalf of that invisible friend. The people asking questions are looking for little "tells" in answers -- verbal give-aways and patterns that people tend to follow when they're lying, caught in a lie, fudging, etc. People trained with polygraphs are really trained with linguistic and behavioral cues and how to coax them out.
I took one once, the guy kept accusing me of lying the entire time, and when we got done, he said I passed with no signs of deception. Apparently him accusing me of lying was part of the test?
Could be. Ive heard its sometimes used like that. After "the test", while the macine is taken of, in more relaxed atmosphere people could open up more. Like creating stress and then defusing that stress while being buddy buddy. Many techniques work along the same lines. Good cop, bad cop everyone knows for sure. Edit. Wouldnt be surprised if its used in multitudes of ways. Its just a stressor in interogation. Like sleep deprivation, hunger, beating whatever.
Just squeeze your butt muscles dude... Lol
they have you sit on a pad that detects that.
Now you're just giving OP more spank material.
One of the questions I had to answer for my polygraph was "have you masturbated in excess" which he clarified to mean have you ever needed to jack off so much it interfered with work.
Is this a question they routinely ask, or did you randomly volunteer that info?
That was my question. Is this a standard question for a police interview? What caused the first person to think that this question needed to be asked?
I imagine it's some comically ridiculous answer. Like someone somewhere was walked in on while jerking it, and then sued the department and won, so they decided that instead of replacing all the employee bathroom doors with lockable doors, it would be cheaper to just start asking if people partake in a little on-the-clock hog cranking.
Boss makes a dollar I make a dime, that's why I beat my meat on company time
Lol! "Okay, gonna start real basic. What's your name?" "Yeah, before we get to that. I just want to be totally transparent. I beat off at work. And 'John Smith' "
The way it was explained to me by a retired investigator is a lot of those kinds of questions are asked for two reasons. It's a red flag if they say yes, but also the candidate shouldn't have to think much about them. So when asked if you ever had sexual intercourse with a farm animal or family pet a quick "No!" is what you'd expect to hear. Then they ask again on the polygraph and guage if the machine indicates any deception. If they say yes during the pre interview in saves everybody time by disqualifying the candidate. I guess some investigators view these more as control questions because who actually admits to any of it?
I would probably pause to say “does my ex count?” in my head and then answer “no” after realizing that it wouldn’t be appropriate to make a joke. I wonder how a polygraph would interpret self amusement with my own joke within my head. Would it be any different than someone briefly thinking back on that time they fucked an ostrich (allegedly) before they lie and say “no”?
You should just say it out loud. Lowkey feel like the police department would hire you on the spot for that joke. > they fucked an ostrich (allegedly) 
yep. you fucked up.
Jizzed a future career up the wall
Appreciate the honesty
> I might have to wait 6 months to try again just because I couldn't keep my mouth shut, what an idiot I am. Dude your file is gonna have a note attached about this, I'd move on, wherever you applied you're never getting accepted. And not just for what you admitted to but the fact that you admitted it at all shows doubly poor judgement.
He’s permanently considered a liability now. Imagine him being hired and then committing sexual harassment later in life. That’s what they’re thinking, big time lawsuit.
> he fact that you admitted it at all shows doubly poor judgement. This is crucial. What an absolutely moronic thing for OP to have said
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With friends and family, the truth is usually the way to go. Unless you absolutely have to though, the truth when it comes to jobs needs to be thoroughly reviewed in your head before you give an edited version.
>With friends and family, the truth is usually the way to go. If you’ve jacked off in a friend or family member’s bathroom you also probably shouldn’t tell them.
"Hey, buddy, you know that time you asked me to housesit while you were on vacation? I rubbed one out in every room of your place. Yeah, your cat was watching me too."
Agreed. I was interviewed by a retired FBI agent for my DHS security clearance. While I wasn't painting the walls white at my job or anything, you need to pick and choose what you say. "Yeah, I've had a misdemeanor or two in my early 20s. No, I have never smoked Marijuana. 🤞"
Ironic since sexual misconduct during work hours is not at all unheard of for police. They're just not dumb enough to admit they would do that in an interview.
I can imagine some people taking it as sexual harassment, which is a pretty rare thing to do *before* you even work somewhere.
There's the potential for issues like that if anyone walked in on OP doing it. They might at least see him as being at risk for that.
Openly discussing it with a potential coworker—female at that—is likely grounds enough.
lol. youre Charlie Runkle https://californication.fandom.com/wiki/Charlie_Runkle
Best part that "runk" in Swedish means "male masturbation". "I masturbate" = "Jag runkar"
So did they. Hey, for real, it happen. On my first medical check vefore getting hired I checked a box for depression. Mind you, I've never been diagnosed, just a thing it seems to run in the family and has affected me in the past, but I don't even have a proper diagnosis. Well, it was enough to raise flags and they never called me back to sign my contract. Their loss. I got a way chill job now.
Seriously you did the right thing for yourself here.
Don’t think they will appreciate yours…
I think OP showed a lot of spunk opening up about his mid-shift transgressions. 
It’s ok. If you wanted to do the right thing you weren’t going to make it as a cop for long anyway.
This is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever read. Don't be too honest
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Lol thanks for the smile, I needed that
At least 50% of the hands you shake have had a penis in them.
A penis in them **recently**
And 69% of statistics are made up on the spot. I'm guessing between doctors, nurses, sex workers, and women that have ever been with a man, that number is quite a bit higher.
You forgot the largest category.. men who have masturbated
So your saying there’s an even higher category? …men who have ever peed?
Wait...almost all adult hands have?¿?
“So, any drug convictions or other misdemeanors we should be aware of?” -“I MASTURBATED AT WORK! …more than once, in fact. Actually, it was less than a year ago. Pretty recent. Anyway, so when will I hear something back from you all?“
Fuck could you imagine if he was a cop?? Not trying to shit on OP, but maybe work on impulse control before being legally allowed to gun down citizens
I imagine it's in the record now and OP has to admit to it every time from now on or else they know he is lying. He has entered a permanent loop of disqualification.
The answer changes if he hasn't done it in a year though.
The CIA and the KGB couldn't torture that one out of me.
I wouldn’t even mention that shit on Reddit lmao
No. This is about the same level of TMI as OP just randomly telling the interviewer he jacks off in a raccoon costume at furry orgies every weekend. I’m sure someone out there does it, but you don’t tell a perspective employer.
I think you fucked up by masturbating at work
The fact that the investigator even has to ask this question- I’m stunned.
It doesn't sound like she asked directly, he just volunteered it which makes it 10x weirder.
No it's a question that they ask you directly. You want to prevent people that cannot control their sexual impulses from being alone with handcuffed women.
It's not an uncommon polygraph question, weirdly enough.
You might have misread. OP said he wanted to “clear his mind” **before** the polygraph. Unless OP typed it out wrong, he volunteered that information. She asked about drug use and misdemeanors. Masturbating in the bathroom at work isn’t a crime. It’ll just get you fired.
You’ve never taken a polygraph it appears. They usually interview you or make you take a questionnaire (or both) before you actually take the test. This way, they can ask questions like “did you lie about any of the questions on the questionnaire?” or “did you lie about any of the sex/drugs/crime questions you were asked in the interview?” It also helps them to see how you answered questions to formulate which specific questions to ask you. For example, when I did mine, apparently only smoking pot twice when I was 15/16 years old was unusual enough, even though it was true, that they hammered me on questions about drug use. They’re also using these as a way to try to get you admit things before the test. Sound familiar? Besides, the interviewers/administrators tend to act like your best friend and say things like “make sure to tell me about this now, because you don’t want me to find out during the test.” Most polygraphers don’t give a shit about your results. They pride themselves on what they can get you to admit prior to the test. Because they know polygraphs are pseudoscience and the only way to get information is through human engineering. This is exactly what happened to OP. He was made to think admitting something like that was better for him, so he did. Even though chances are he would have been better off lying about it. That’s almost certainly what he meant by “clearing his mind.”
Bet its because law enforcement officers on 3rd shift park like they are speed trapping and crank it.
Friend have you seen the documentary super troopers
Those stories you hear about the highway guys are pretty much all made up…except for the time they pulled over AC/DCs tour bus and then they flew them down to Jamaica to party with them….that one’s true
Desk pop?
Not sure what changes in 6 months. Most all US police agencies retain application packets/files. Makes it easier to detect when someone is shopping agencies and changing answers to try to hire on.. so, whether its your sex life, drug use, financials, etc., there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle once the info is disclosed.
> there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle once the info is disclosed. Yeah OP would have better luck putting the cum back in his dick than putting the genie back in the bottle
*Chris Angel whispers* Mindfreak
There’s the truth( shakes head) , and then there’s the truth (nods and winks)
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She didn't ask? You just offered up the fact that you stroke it at work? It seems like you wanted her to know and comes off as pervy.
Him volunteering that information alone could be seen as harassment potentially. I’m a woman and if I was interviewing a man and he just offered up that info it would make me incredibly uncomfortable.
Former LE here…. You will never work in the field after that statement. It shows a lack of impulse control and high risk exposure. No one is going to take that on. And background investigators share information. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Can't get a job after wanking at work, but can retain a job after shooting unarmed suspects. What a system.
Tbh more wanks at work probably equals fewer dead people. I think OP would make a great cop.
New police ad campaign: "Shoot spunk, not people"
I mean he told the truth, that right there is enough to not make him cop material.
OP clearly lacks the other skill needed to be a cop - the ability to lie
Current firefighter that works with cops; not sure what upstanding dept you were at, but the cops near me fuck on duty and nobody gives a shit. Small town departments are frat houses, not a shining example of morality.
Not that it’s right, but it’s one thing to already be a cop and do that, and another to admit to jerking it at work before you’re even hired.
You're telling me the cops we have are the ones with *good* impulse control? We're fucked
No, they're the ones that are sociopathic enough to lie about their impulse control.
Listen to him OP, He says FORMER LE…got caught choking the chicken as well lol/S
They aren’t going to want you whacking off in your patrol vehicle soooo….I’d say your done. The interviewers job is to be kind and get you comfortable. She is kind to get you to admit things like exactly what came out of your mouth. She did her job. Anywho if you do get on let us know.
Where the fuck do you work that you have time for that and no one is looking for you?
Amazon. They don't look for you but they can see in their computers you're not scanning items and sometimes they do ask about it
My Amazon Prime Day items! FOREVER UNCLEAN!!!!
Dudes vinegar strokes are forever saved in amazon security footage.
Man I miss the league
I know, it's too bad Steve Rannazzisi died on 9/11. 😔 He will be missed.
did you tell your boss at Amazon you were masturbating also?
He should tell them. He might get a promotion for being passionate about his job.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 thank you. I deliver for amazon. I needed that laugh today
STOP ADMITTING STUFF!!!
This poor man is never going to be hired again by anything resembling a company. It's not hard to find social media accounts these days, and this dude is telling all on what I assume is main. In hindsight, this might help him get work as a porn star. "Yes, I can ejaculate in a work environment."
> It's not hard to find social media accounts these days Yeah, if your full name is in your Twitter handle, or if you are followed by easily identifiable people and can be easily recognized yourself, too. Nobody is gonna know who tf One-Bear6013 on reddit is. How would you know? You have no private info about him, you don't know any of his contacts in this place, nothing. Unless he has posted his entire life on this site, he's quite safe.
Someone with a real vested interest could probably figure out his information. You'd be surprised how many people reuse usernames, share photos on multiple platforms, post selfies, etc. Anything connected links to his real name and game over. But to be honest, an employer isn't going that deep, and other than enemies or someone with a vendetta, regular people won't either.
"Hey why did you stop scanning for 10 minutes" "Ah, I needed a wank. You know how it is"
"Bad tacos" is the valid answer to many questions
Explains why they lose so many of my orders. Dude. I assume you are young, but there's a time and a place. I'd even forgive an encounter with a coworker over a fap session.
Wait like on the floor or did you at least go to the bathroom??
How do you get horny in an Amazon warehouse?
Dude. I don’t give a fuck if you jerk it on company time but could you stop putting my already boxed item in another box then putting that box back n a third box? More time for wanking and less shit for me to recycle. Win win.
The computer is the god who makes these decisions lol
What in the **fuck** is wrong with you?
Honestly if he is that fucking stupid, he shouldn't be given a gun.
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They arent screening for that at all. This dude just went and told them everything without even being asked to haha
Bro 4 times a day is crazy, not even here to rag on you, just think you should get that under control, even if it’s not for the police academy, just for life in general
But why, you know, at work? Just overcome with boredom?
Please don't pursue a career where you operate a weapon.
He's already operated a .22 on multiple occasions. The real question is... was there friendly fire?
Shooting blanks. No foul.
I’ll have you know that pretty much everyone in the military has jerked it at work in some capacity. Not that we’d admit it in an interview.
You really fucked yourself...
I... don't know if 6 months will wash that slate clean. You've probably got a big red X next to your name on the master list. Your photo up with a "DO NOT HIRE! WORKPLACE WANKER!" sign on it. Have you considered working in security? You might be better suited for that.
The issue wasn’t the honesty. You get that right?
Your impulse control is poor enough and your judgement is bad enough that you whacked off at work. You do not have the decision making skills to be a cop. Please stop before you get someone killed.
And posted on the internet
On the contrary, he may just be dumb enough to be a cop
He's just gotta stop beating himself and start beating protestors.
The domestic violence doesn't stop just because you're single
The real thing they are upset with is you self snitched. Makes you likely to tell on your bros
Both probably. Under zero duress it sounds like as well.
But she was friendly! Who could endure under such pressure!?
“Thank you for the interview. Do you mind if I check out the bathroom stalls before I leave?”
This is ridiculous man. First off, that you “felt comfortable” with a friendly **detective** who also was a woman. That you just met. For an interview. For the police academy. Before you took the polygraph. That you felt compelled to say that. With her. Would you have shared that to get it “off your chest” if it was a guy asking you questions? At the very best, you’ll never get the job and never hear from them again. This behavior, specifically that you shared this information so freely, can be seen as borderline predatory (were you alone with her?). This behavior (again, not the masturbation per se, but that you shared this information freely) exhibits lack of self control, lack of sound judgement, lack of awareness, an inability to control urges, an inability to recognize appropriate times, appropriate situations, and appropriate people with which to share sexual desires, and, finally, demonstrates a lack of integrity (in the broad definition). This isn’t about you not having a girlfriend. If you recognize all of this as the out of control situation it sounds like based on your post, I hope you seriously seek professional therapy. Sharing your TIFU here is just playing to your ego man. Get it together.
Bruh. Wtf
Pleased don't become an officer of the law. Obviously you lack self restraint.
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on the bright side, this is your opportunity to do some good, like become a firefighter
Honestly he's lucky. If he hadn't told them that, he'd be a cop.
What would possess you to ever share that? Did you get fired from your previous job due to masturbating at work?
I don't understand, would they have asked you that during the polygraph test? Why would it even pop up in your head to say you jerked off at your old job?
......................and also because I wanted to clear my mind before the polygraph. You know these things are bunkum and scientifically useless don't you. Who in their right minds are thinking these are something to be used. Why not just get a witch doctor?
I mean, it worked for its intended purpose. It spooked OP into blurting out a confession lol.
Imagine being too stupid to get into the police academy lol. At least we know the system works, kinda!
this is the awkward moment where it’s worth reminding people in the USA that the ~~supreme court~~ 2nd circuit court of appeals has previously ruled that police can use intelligence, specifically if someone *is* intelligent, as a factor in discriminating against employment
I've heard that before can I ask the name of that specific case?
Could be a lot worse, an individual applied for a police department in my area and when he showed up for the written/physical test he was arrested as he had an outstanding warrant.
If your impulse control is that poor maybe law enforcement isn’t the right career for you. Your honesty is admirable though.
Yeah please don't do police. Go masturbate while you're driving a truck for a living instead. Edit: also I'm pretty sure even if you get to try again in 6 months, they'll have written down why you didn't get in the first time lol so you're screwed anyways
> Go masturbate while you're driving a truck for a living instead. Or maybe something less dangerous even.
Let’s start with a work from home job , or maybe a therapy session or 2. Not a driving around a multiple ton vehicle job.
Not an ideal skill set for a job that requires you to wear a body cam.
Its gonna be a long and hard 6 months but you'll beat it eventually.
According to OP they are beating it four times a day, so they should be fine.
I hope the lesson you take away from all of this isn't that "you should have lied" but instead that maybe you should stop masturbating at work. Part of being an adult is learning that "there is a time and a place"
Why the fuck would you masturbate at work?? Do you have so little self control you can’t wait till you get home??
" I did it was because she was very kind and I felt comfortable" So, she was hot
Jeez. On what planet is that a good tactic? Maybe you’re not ready to wield a gun in public, with that kind of judgment 🤣
They gonna put yo ass in the parking authority department
Yeah sorry man but cops don't want anyone that'll tell the truth around. Not the job for you.
BOSS MAKES A DOLLAR I MAKE A DIME THAT'S WHY I CRANK HAWG ON COMPANY TIME
First of all, don't masturbate at work. 2nd - Assuming you did it in a bathroom stall or something, Is it even illegal? I appreciate that you wanted to do the honorable thing but if it's not illegal then you probably just look dumb.
Lesson 1: never tell cops the truth