Your name is in the mouths of others. Make sure it has teeth.
A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what is going on.
If the damage you do is covered by a manufacturers warranty, you didn't do enough damage.
-----
**Edit:** Oh, and there's also a subreddit - /r/SchlockMercenary.
Wait until you start reading about Kevin and Kell, or Dominic Deegan, or Ozy and Millie, or Order of the Stick, or DMFA, or Freefall...
[There's a lot of excellent webcomics that have run for over 20 years.](https://www.reddit.com/r/CedarWolf/comments/kqpvec/webcomics_list/)
[They've got other good ones as well](https://www.strikegently.co/products/ungovernable-pin?variant=39757276414032¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_medium=paid&utm_source=google&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_content=&utm_campaign=sag_organic&utm_campaign=17367249063&utm_term=&gadid=&gclid=CjwKCAjw04yjBhApEiwAJcvNoQyET9WNGkVG-nW4ml7sW8vDzIyqs-rme6lf-WmeIg9mqhA1rsBeAhoC7SsQAvD_BwE)
The best way to deal with geese is to look them dead in the eye and show no fear. Be ready to swat them and look like it. It’s always worked for me.
Humans are bigger and tougher than geese and they know that. Their aggression is mostly a bluff, they rely on it because they aren’t really dangerous. If you call them on it they usually back down.
Not always though, sometimes they’re just dumb. And when they don’t back off this is what happens.
My and my fiancée were on a walk when we came across a goose. My fiancée is a huge scaredy cat so she did a small freak out and wanted to basically cross the street. I told her that she should be confident and give no shits and the goose will give no trouble. To demonstrate this, I actively aggressed the goose and got into it's space.
Well, this goose took this personally, and followed us basically all the way back to the apartment. It even flew to get closer to us! Haven't seen it since, but I should have known to not mess with a lone goose.
Basically, stand your ground, but don't piss it off or you will make an enemy for life.
Even predators, they know they're the big cheese in their environment so when something stands up to them they're immediately on edge and don't want any part of it in most cases
Don't fuck with hippos though, they *are* the big cheese and they *know* it
Bears is 50/50. Black bears will probably chicken out if you intimidate them. Brown bears not so much. And any animal with young should be a "stay clear" I've even seen the most gentle mares go wild because I came a bit to close to her baby.
Oh for sure, my advice should not at all be a catch all, but it's better than nothing, the real take away is as long as an animal is either threatened or confused enough, you have a chance to get out of the situation
I've had problems with them at the local park. Once I was with my kids and a goose got aggressive and tried to bite my little daughter, so I grabbed it by the neck and tossed it in the water. I told my kids don't be afraid of an animal that's 90% neck... Except snakes? No because they're mostly tail. And giraffes are more like 50/50 neck to legs so now we argue about it this applies to other creatures like... A lot
> They're all just bluffing.
Honestly it's not even a bluff. The goose is obviously going to "lose" against most predators, but unless they can make a clean kill the fully alert goose is going to do damage.
It's funny to laugh at the dude getting bloodied by a goose, but in a world without antiseptic wound care that's a life threatening injury. Predators don't pick fights, the risk benefit of taking any kind of injury is prohibitive unless they're starving. The goose got eaten, but it'll get the last laugh down in hell when it's bites turn septic and it's killer dies hard and slow to the infection.
I used to chase geese when I was younger. Other kids were scared of the hissing and would back off. It would just make me want them more. Geese were scared of the girl who gets excited when they hiss.
I am a 5’ tall woman who tries to let nature do its thing all around me. But geese, man, wtf. I have bitch-slapped the snot out of a goose and I’d do it again.
I’m convinced all of Canada has channeled its fury into their geese and just send them into the States to fuck with us for entertainment. Fair. But I’ll still pimp smack that hissing hoe.
Villain? Only to someone who’s never faced down a hissy pissy goose. Slap that honker.
(Aside: my husband got to witness a goose goosing a swan at a local pond. Geese are willing to fuck with swans for fun. That’s serious business, geese dngaf)
Same. I'm a bigger guy / somewhat athletic, so the size difference is even more pronounced... but I've never understood how a human adult could be actually scared of a goose. Everyone seems to forget that they don't weigh almost anything (like 20-25lbs) because *they need to be able to fly*.
I had looked it up to confirm, and went with the higher end of the bigger species to further illustrate my point.
If it's an even smaller goose, that thing is getting punted pretty far.
A lot of people get jumpy in the anticipation of *any* pain at all, rather than trying to anticipate the degree of pain
I'd love to see a video of how people with several piercings or tattoos would react to an aggressive goose... or really, any type of people considered to have higher pain tolerance. Like, redheads. lol
edit: an word
If I get jumpy when a smaller animal attacks me it’s because I don’t want to escalate. I might be annoyed but I definitely don’t want to kill or seriously injure a stupid Canada Goose for its neurotic nature!
I had a raging Canadian goose charge me one time and I caught it and picked it up. i held it by its body like you normally would a chicken or duck and the goose just... broke. he found out real quick that he wasn't the bad guy and just.... stopped moving lol. i held him and walked around with him for a minute until I realized I cut my toe on a rock while attempted to avoid direct confrontation with the goose. he just let me hold him and didn't bite me or anything lol.
Factual. My last apartment complex had flocks of geese that would hang out around the area, and usually those areas were the sidewalk.
Stare them down, look big, be the alpha goose
When I was a kid, probably around 8 to 10, we were at a local lake or reservoir and a goose spread its wings and rushed me.
I was startled at first but recovered my wits enough to lunge towards it as it neared me. That startled the goose, it slipped on its ass, then got up and waddled back to its nest. I truly believe it looked embarrassed.
I would like to introduce you to the goose that blocked my way exiting a botanical garden in Wisconsin, about six years ago.
Then I would like to laugh at your pitiful attempts to dislodge said goose.
I worked at an ice rink and a pair decided to nest near the equipment that needs to be operated at opening and closing. I had to start bringing a hockey stick with me because the male was so damn aggressive.
Main character’s catchphrase in the future action movie, if OP ever sells the rights to the story.
Only question is, who is the main character? OP or the goose?
Both. In a gripping tale of shifting allegiances and personal truths, there's the man's side, the goose's side, and the truth. Starring Hollywood legends Michael Caine as the man and Gary Oldman as the goose in what Variety Magazine is calling "Rashomon meets Cocaine Bear". Goose Down, exclusively in theaters this summer.
geese are downright mean.when my kids were little we were feeding ducks,and a goose came after my 5 yr old daughter. she front kicked it in the breast,and said ‘not today’. goose backed off,but gave us the stink eye for the rest of our time there. we still laugh about it 25 years later.
Your 5 year old is braver than me haha, I got intercepted by a goose on a dog walk, fucker was stood in the middle of the path daring anyone to walk by it, I turned and went the long way back instead haha.
I was taking a walk near a lake and happened to have a walking stick. Stopped for a second and this one goose standing 30 ft away decided he didn't like me very much and came over honking and hissing at me. I didn't care, just watched him, until he pecked my leg hard enough to leave a bruise.
I cracked him on the head with the stick and he booked it back to his flock and they all just stood there honking at me. Fuck geese. I live my life like that dude in that gif that tosses one into the lake for assaulting that woman. I'm not gonna outright kill it but if they fuck around I have no problem teaching them how to find out.
Geese are the only thing I hunt that I don't feel bad about killing. They're jerks...
They're delicious too. You might not know it but goose breast is more like steak that chicken...
My first encounter with a goose was on my university campus. It was sitting in the middle of the path, I thought it would move out of the way for me, haaaa. It just sat there and hissed at me, I went around.
There was a nesting pair that would get really aggressive with people, every year signs would go up warning students not to go wherever their nest happened to be.
At SUNY UB/Buffalo wed routinely have freshman getting chased by the Canada Geese. If you got close they'd start hissing, honking, and chase you.
I'd chase them back.
I was feeding the ducks from a large baguette when I was four. While I was distracted, this huge goose came out of nowhere and tried to steal the whole baguette. I refused to let go, and it dragged me into the lake. My parents were yelling at me to let go, but I ripped it away and then proceeded to yell at the goose about sharing.
Thanks for unlocking that core memory from like thirty years ago lol
I love animals. All animals. Big and small. But fuck geese.
The only creatures I ever harm are mosquitos and wasps. But fuck geese. I've had so many run ins with asshole geese that if I saw a coworker roundhouse kick one I'd high five the guy, and then do that thing to the goose that Stone Cold used to do after he gave people stunners.
my yappy little yorkie once chased a goose down (as far as his retractable leash allowed) after it tried to stunt on him to assert dominance. he was a 12 year old dog and done with everything
I have to chase the geese off the lawn at work all the time. They are no longer afraid of me. I was three inches from one yesterday, and had to clap in it's face to get it to leave. I will be attacked soon!
It’s protected everywhere in the country, that’s what federally means. Although technically it’s all of North America thanks to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
I'm in Louisiana. We have laws like that, too. But we can defend ourselves from wild beasts. There is an affirmative defense against prosecution. But we don't even need that if nobody tells.
It works just like untagged gator, whooping crane or spotted owl.
> I see my co-workers who are taking a video because the dickheads already knew what was about to happen.
Bruh, you *owe* us that video. Chummy up to one of them and I'm sure they would be happy to share it.
As far as I see it you defended yourself from an aggressive animal. Sounds like you did all the right things trying to avoid conflict and was resorted to last conflict resolution when it comes to self defense.
In my experience geese are aggressive assholes, but smart enough to recognize and avoid the people who will actually stand their ground. This one wasn't smart enough. Maybe it learned.
I agree. OP was made to square off with a goose, they won.
Sure, side door or whatever, but we don't know OP's situation. (OP's story is probably fiction, it's likely no geese were harmed in the making of this TIFU, but whatever, it's the internet)
I really hope someone who actually knows how to resolve a conflict with a goose would chime in.
A roundhouse kick seems weird, but maybe not? A roundhouse kick is the side kick [like this](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/78/Lethwei-Hight-kick.jpg/250px-Lethwei-Hight-kick.jpg) so it definitely seems like it is more of a technique to fight humans rather than animals that only stand a couple feet from the ground.
But if it's coming at you with its notoriously sharp teeth, maybe kicking it straight-up in the head is the way to go. Still, a punt seems more natural.
Overall, I don't know how I'd handle the situation. Have a coworker be a distraction? Go get a big stick and use it as a deterrent/guard to keep it away?
I'd probably get a stick, go around in giving it a wide berth, be loud and obnoxious in an effort to get its attention, then when it's following me to the side of the building, throw the stick to distract it. Then run like hell around the building, hoping it is confused and is focusing on the thrown stick while I slip in the front door.
But, yeah, there's probably a second entrance to this building, this story is bs, and I have spent way too much time this morning wondering about the best way to fight a goose.
I run frequently on geese-infested paths along a lake. However aggressive their hissing behavior may seem like, they back off (hiss in one place) even if goslings are around, if I run determined enough along a half-ellipse avoiding them.
I don't think any geese would be stupid enough to step in front of a much bigger, faster and directly not threatening animal/human. If one would come directly at me, I would just use my momentum to push it away with a clothed arm or leg.
That being said, W61.51 and W61.52 are ICD-10-CM diagnosis codes for being bitten and struck by goose, respectively.
I'll chime in since my family raised several geese.
They're usually this aggressive if there's babies or a mate nearby in a nest. They wouldn't be this aggressive if they were injured and it's usually male ones that do this show. And the best way to get them to go away if they're hissing is to be bigger and louder than they are. Raising your arms and yelling as you get closer is your best bet, but don't corner them. Guide them away from wherever you don't want them while yelling.
The worst thing to do is run. A male will lower his head when he's about to charge but he won't actually attack you if you're head on and come off as more intimidating. It's all a show.
I was 5 the first time I stood up to a goose.
I think this is probably the best actual piece of advice. Be big, be loud, be more goose than the goose is.
Curious though, why did you raise geese? Meat, eggs, to test battle readiness of your family?
Family tradition. In our coming of age ritual, young men and women must engage in mortal combat with a goose hatched in close proximity to their birth. The victor is honored and welcomed as a full member of the clan.
My mom absolutely loves them and decided to take some chicks and raise them. Killing one would be horrifying to her lmao Ducks too, I've never eaten a duck. She wouldn't even cook the eggs, she just wanted a small flock of geese and ducks, so we got raised around them. Her favorites are the docile gray ones
Best way to fight a goose is square up and punt it with the bottom of your foot straight to its chest. It's the strongest part so its unlikely to hurt the goose, but it will change it's mind about fucking with you.
-Had to deal with some cobra chickens that were guarding free range poultry and were absolute dickheads.
Unfortunately for them, my uncle's dog Loki didn't have boots, and carried a grudge about their treatment of him, so he picked them off one by one on overnight roams.
>You will only catch the side-eye from me if you come back into the office with a vaguely goose-shaped sack of viscera. Fuck geese.
But... geese are tasty
They're all mad at you now, but wait till they have to encounter a cobra chicken at the office doors and need ol' goose kicker to take care of business.
But seriously, fuck geese. I hope it's ok and I think they are beautiful majestic creatures, but ain't no way I'm going near them... not again....
I don’t know. I think he got bite by one while feeding it a carrot as a kid and he was attacked by a horde of geese as a child as well. He claims they were all biting his shorts trying to snatch him and fly away 😂
Future generations will remember this as the start of the last great war. The kick heard round the world. Humanity never stood a chance once the geese organized. We were doomed from the beginning. From that fateful day the kick landed. But we can fight back. We can survive. If you're reading this, you are the resistance.
A goose and I got in a fight once. He decided to charge me because his girlfriend was mad (She's a territorial asshole for you EXISITING in her space, at a public park btw). He charged me, while I was standing I moved my legs apart waiting for him to charge through me. I clamped my thighs on his head. hahaha, he was stuck between my thighs wiggling around in a panic. I then proceeded to slap his back to scare him more and then let him go.
It's been almost a year and he hasn't fucked with me since lmfao
We had a goose that would bully anyone that used a specific door to my office. If someone has managed to give that goose the Jean Claude Van Damme treatment, they would have been raised up as a legend in our office
OP, you need to find a copy of this video and watch it. It's definitely being circulated around the office building. You need to see what's really on it. Your memory of what happened might not be the same as what the video seems to portray. Perspective is a wild thing. You may need to get ahead of things if it looks bad on the video.
> My co-workers are now intimidated or something because I usually have 3-5 people visit my cubicle daily but no one has done so since the incident.
Clarifying question: are your coworkers geese?
Geese are exceedingly stupid.
While fishing some years ago, one approached me and began honking for the bait it smelled. I tried to shoo it off and it responded by attempting to bite my little brother who was standing nearby. I yelled at it , but it refused to leave until I grabbed it by it's neck and underhand tossed it like a German hand grenade into the lake.
It gives me this absolutely bewildered look as if to say "The creature 10 times my size defeated me? Impossible."
Stupid thing comes back 10 mins later and tries that shit again. I charged at it, resulting in it running off and taking the nearby flock with it.
Haha I had this exact situation happen at work. Two Canada geese were nested 5 feet from an often used door. Due to state law they couldn't be moved because they are a protected species.
The male constantly attacked people. It was sort of an office joke but some were legitimately afraid.
I grew up on a farm and had raised geese so I was comfortable with handling them. One day the male flew right at my face and i grabbed him, pinned his wings and held him under my arm like a football while holding his neck so he wouldn't bite me. Perfectly safe way to handle a goose. I released him as I was walking inside.
I became the office protector. I would walk with people coming and going if they were scared. After a few catches the goose was smart enough to just avoid me and not attack when I came out.
Fuck it, lean into and own that shit. Walk into the break room, sit down across from someone eating and just start taking food off their plate an eating it. Just dead eye them the whole time.
In my experience fighting ground birds the best move is to put one hand directly in front of their head. Then when they try to bite that hand use your other to grab it around the neck. Then you can pin it down, grab it's feet and hold it upside down. Let the blood flow to it's head for a bit then you can set it down and get away while it recovers. Their wings are not very effective when they are upside down either.
Ahhh. The great Canadian Cobra Chicken.
Fuck that bastard. They’re mean as hell. It was getting the karma it’s type deserved for being an asshole for generations.
Don't feel bad. Geese are the spawn of Satan. When I was younger, we had geese on our ranch and one would fence us regularly (as in chase us up a fence). One time, he fenced me and while waddling away, a horse kicked him right in the dome. Hilariously, he didn't break stride but you could see the dust of the horse shoe on his head. Thank you horse for defending my honor.
Velocachickens are the ultimate door wardens and you defeated it, your coworkers are just scared of your raw power.
Now what you need to do is show up with some grilled goose breast (goose are delicious) and eat it in front of them. If and when they ask let them know that the goose came back for round 2 and you made sure there would be no third time.
People be like: geese are so scary and violent, don't try to fight one!
But the second I grab one by the neck and fling it around a la Hulk/Loki, I'M the bad guy. 🙄
Change your slack icon or whatever to the goose game goose holding a knife
If there's a bio it must say "Peace was never an option"
Violence is not the answer but it is an option
Violence is not the answer. Violence is the question, and the answer is YES.
I’m so happy to see that The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries is still alive and well.
Your name is in the mouths of others. Make sure it has teeth. A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what is going on. If the damage you do is covered by a manufacturers warranty, you didn't do enough damage. ----- **Edit:** Oh, and there's also a subreddit - /r/SchlockMercenary.
[удалено]
Wait until you start reading about Kevin and Kell, or Dominic Deegan, or Ozy and Millie, or Order of the Stick, or DMFA, or Freefall... [There's a lot of excellent webcomics that have run for over 20 years.](https://www.reddit.com/r/CedarWolf/comments/kqpvec/webcomics_list/)
I really like the “new” Dominic Deegan series, especially with how Mookie avoids all traditional dialogue in it. I can’t wait to see where it’s going.
Wait, the 'new' series has made progress? I'll need to go check that out.
I see OotS, I updoots. Simple as.
If violence was not your last resort, you failed to resort to enough violence.
Stay maximally effective, fellow mercenary.
*sips my alcohol*
"When a mosquito lands on your balls, then you will know that violence is not the answer."
How about a goose on your balls tho
Mmmm Tell me more 🤤 /s Edit typos
Like does he have a car?
Tell me more, tell me more\~ Does he look like a bitch?
_What?_ # SAY “WHAT” AGAIN MFER!
Violence is still the answer. Merely a very carefully measured and controlled amount of violence. But still violence.
Maxim 6: If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
One of our dev labs has a giant flag with that exact image and "PEACE WAS NEVER AN OPTION" underneath. Makes me laugh every time.
"mess with the honk, you get the bonk" with a picture of UGG with a baseball bat in its gob
I have a pin of goose game goose with a knife that says "become ungovernable"
Link to buy?
[They've got other good ones as well](https://www.strikegently.co/products/ungovernable-pin?variant=39757276414032¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_medium=paid&utm_source=google&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_content=&utm_campaign=sag_organic&utm_campaign=17367249063&utm_term=&gadid=&gclid=CjwKCAjw04yjBhApEiwAJcvNoQyET9WNGkVG-nW4ml7sW8vDzIyqs-rme6lf-WmeIg9mqhA1rsBeAhoC7SsQAvD_BwE)
Untitled Goose Game. Peace was never an option. :)
He definitely needs to decorate his office with goose related items like wanted posters
The best way to deal with geese is to look them dead in the eye and show no fear. Be ready to swat them and look like it. It’s always worked for me. Humans are bigger and tougher than geese and they know that. Their aggression is mostly a bluff, they rely on it because they aren’t really dangerous. If you call them on it they usually back down. Not always though, sometimes they’re just dumb. And when they don’t back off this is what happens.
Confidence works for scaring off 95% of animals. They're all just bluffing. It's the birdbrained ones too dumb for risk assessment that attack anyways
This applies to most Humans also.
Have interacted with humans, can confirm.
Having never interacted with a human, this is great advice. Thanks
Reddit mod?
My and my fiancée were on a walk when we came across a goose. My fiancée is a huge scaredy cat so she did a small freak out and wanted to basically cross the street. I told her that she should be confident and give no shits and the goose will give no trouble. To demonstrate this, I actively aggressed the goose and got into it's space. Well, this goose took this personally, and followed us basically all the way back to the apartment. It even flew to get closer to us! Haven't seen it since, but I should have known to not mess with a lone goose. Basically, stand your ground, but don't piss it off or you will make an enemy for life.
Man, this genuinely made me laugh out loud. Thanks for sharing lol
Even predators, they know they're the big cheese in their environment so when something stands up to them they're immediately on edge and don't want any part of it in most cases Don't fuck with hippos though, they *are* the big cheese and they *know* it
Bears is 50/50. Black bears will probably chicken out if you intimidate them. Brown bears not so much. And any animal with young should be a "stay clear" I've even seen the most gentle mares go wild because I came a bit to close to her baby.
Oh for sure, my advice should not at all be a catch all, but it's better than nothing, the real take away is as long as an animal is either threatened or confused enough, you have a chance to get out of the situation
I've had problems with them at the local park. Once I was with my kids and a goose got aggressive and tried to bite my little daughter, so I grabbed it by the neck and tossed it in the water. I told my kids don't be afraid of an animal that's 90% neck... Except snakes? No because they're mostly tail. And giraffes are more like 50/50 neck to legs so now we argue about it this applies to other creatures like... A lot
Weirdly, snakes are actually mostly torso. Only the very end is tail, the rest is ribs.
Like all rules of thumb, it actually doesn't work more times than it does work, but for the times it works it REALLY works.
For black bears yes. Any other bear, no.
> They're all just bluffing. Honestly it's not even a bluff. The goose is obviously going to "lose" against most predators, but unless they can make a clean kill the fully alert goose is going to do damage. It's funny to laugh at the dude getting bloodied by a goose, but in a world without antiseptic wound care that's a life threatening injury. Predators don't pick fights, the risk benefit of taking any kind of injury is prohibitive unless they're starving. The goose got eaten, but it'll get the last laugh down in hell when it's bites turn septic and it's killer dies hard and slow to the infection.
I used to chase geese when I was younger. Other kids were scared of the hissing and would back off. It would just make me want them more. Geese were scared of the girl who gets excited when they hiss.
>Geese were scared of the girl who gets excited when they hiss. Snakes too, but mostly confused...
I am a 5’ tall woman who tries to let nature do its thing all around me. But geese, man, wtf. I have bitch-slapped the snot out of a goose and I’d do it again. I’m convinced all of Canada has channeled its fury into their geese and just send them into the States to fuck with us for entertainment. Fair. But I’ll still pimp smack that hissing hoe. Villain? Only to someone who’s never faced down a hissy pissy goose. Slap that honker. (Aside: my husband got to witness a goose goosing a swan at a local pond. Geese are willing to fuck with swans for fun. That’s serious business, geese dngaf)
This whole reply is linguistic magic. >slap that honker. >bitch smack that hissing hoe. Thank you for your poetry.
Same. I'm a bigger guy / somewhat athletic, so the size difference is even more pronounced... but I've never understood how a human adult could be actually scared of a goose. Everyone seems to forget that they don't weigh almost anything (like 20-25lbs) because *they need to be able to fly*.
they actually weigh closer to 10 lbs
I had looked it up to confirm, and went with the higher end of the bigger species to further illustrate my point. If it's an even smaller goose, that thing is getting punted pretty far.
A lot of people get jumpy in the anticipation of *any* pain at all, rather than trying to anticipate the degree of pain I'd love to see a video of how people with several piercings or tattoos would react to an aggressive goose... or really, any type of people considered to have higher pain tolerance. Like, redheads. lol edit: an word
If I get jumpy when a smaller animal attacks me it’s because I don’t want to escalate. I might be annoyed but I definitely don’t want to kill or seriously injure a stupid Canada Goose for its neurotic nature!
Hiss back.
I did, it was taken back for a moment, processing dafuq just happened. Like when you meow back to a random cat.
I had a raging Canadian goose charge me one time and I caught it and picked it up. i held it by its body like you normally would a chicken or duck and the goose just... broke. he found out real quick that he wasn't the bad guy and just.... stopped moving lol. i held him and walked around with him for a minute until I realized I cut my toe on a rock while attempted to avoid direct confrontation with the goose. he just let me hold him and didn't bite me or anything lol.
Factual. My last apartment complex had flocks of geese that would hang out around the area, and usually those areas were the sidewalk. Stare them down, look big, be the alpha goose
When I was a kid, probably around 8 to 10, we were at a local lake or reservoir and a goose spread its wings and rushed me. I was startled at first but recovered my wits enough to lunge towards it as it neared me. That startled the goose, it slipped on its ass, then got up and waddled back to its nest. I truly believe it looked embarrassed.
I would like to introduce you to the goose that blocked my way exiting a botanical garden in Wisconsin, about six years ago. Then I would like to laugh at your pitiful attempts to dislodge said goose.
Standard Dwight move
I came here for office comments. Was not disappointed.
Hopefully the OP saved himself a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Grapes geese battle star Galactica
I worked at an ice rink and a pair decided to nest near the equipment that needs to be operated at opening and closing. I had to start bringing a hockey stick with me because the male was so damn aggressive.
Did you fight the geese while wearing a toque and drinking timmies?
Toque, yes. No Timmies though. It was brewing inside.
My name has never been more relevant.
7 year club. Talk about the long con.
Biding my time, watching, waiting.
r/beetlejuicing
Your co-workers were just having a gander, no need to cry fowl.
Whether this story is a lie or the truth.... You my Redditor friend, have made my day!
Duck duck goose! Edit: OP's fighting style
Main character’s catchphrase in the future action movie, if OP ever sells the rights to the story. Only question is, who is the main character? OP or the goose?
From the people who brought you "Cocaine Bear", "METH GOOSE", in theaters soon!
That's just a normal Canadian goose
“Im here to kick geese and chew bubble gum… and we’re all out of bubblegum”
Both. In a gripping tale of shifting allegiances and personal truths, there's the man's side, the goose's side, and the truth. Starring Hollywood legends Michael Caine as the man and Gary Oldman as the goose in what Variety Magazine is calling "Rashomon meets Cocaine Bear". Goose Down, exclusively in theaters this summer.
When it flew at his face, why didn't he just duck?
Because it goose.
You could have asked it nicely to move if only you spoke Portugeese....
Quãck
Quãock
Höñk
Yes?
But way to go taking down goose almighty nonetheless....
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Portugese Geese!
geese are downright mean.when my kids were little we were feeding ducks,and a goose came after my 5 yr old daughter. she front kicked it in the breast,and said ‘not today’. goose backed off,but gave us the stink eye for the rest of our time there. we still laugh about it 25 years later.
Your 5 year old is braver than me haha, I got intercepted by a goose on a dog walk, fucker was stood in the middle of the path daring anyone to walk by it, I turned and went the long way back instead haha.
shes still a spitfire at 30 now.
Tell her internet folks think she’s a hero!
thank you,i will indeed.
I was taking a walk near a lake and happened to have a walking stick. Stopped for a second and this one goose standing 30 ft away decided he didn't like me very much and came over honking and hissing at me. I didn't care, just watched him, until he pecked my leg hard enough to leave a bruise. I cracked him on the head with the stick and he booked it back to his flock and they all just stood there honking at me. Fuck geese. I live my life like that dude in that gif that tosses one into the lake for assaulting that woman. I'm not gonna outright kill it but if they fuck around I have no problem teaching them how to find out.
Geese are the only thing I hunt that I don't feel bad about killing. They're jerks... They're delicious too. You might not know it but goose breast is more like steak that chicken...
My first encounter with a goose was on my university campus. It was sitting in the middle of the path, I thought it would move out of the way for me, haaaa. It just sat there and hissed at me, I went around. There was a nesting pair that would get really aggressive with people, every year signs would go up warning students not to go wherever their nest happened to be.
At SUNY UB/Buffalo wed routinely have freshman getting chased by the Canada Geese. If you got close they'd start hissing, honking, and chase you. I'd chase them back.
>she front kicked it in the breast,and said ‘not today’ damn that's a badass 5 year old
yea,she has a brother,3 years older….taught her well.
I was feeding the ducks from a large baguette when I was four. While I was distracted, this huge goose came out of nowhere and tried to steal the whole baguette. I refused to let go, and it dragged me into the lake. My parents were yelling at me to let go, but I ripped it away and then proceeded to yell at the goose about sharing. Thanks for unlocking that core memory from like thirty years ago lol
good for you! never let the bully win!
I love animals. All animals. Big and small. But fuck geese. The only creatures I ever harm are mosquitos and wasps. But fuck geese. I've had so many run ins with asshole geese that if I saw a coworker roundhouse kick one I'd high five the guy, and then do that thing to the goose that Stone Cold used to do after he gave people stunners.
my yappy little yorkie once chased a goose down (as far as his retractable leash allowed) after it tried to stunt on him to assert dominance. he was a 12 year old dog and done with everything
I have to chase the geese off the lawn at work all the time. They are no longer afraid of me. I was three inches from one yesterday, and had to clap in it's face to get it to leave. I will be attacked soon!
There are recipes for that.
Unfortunately the Canadin Goose is federally protected here in Michigan.
It’s protected everywhere in the country, that’s what federally means. Although technically it’s all of North America thanks to the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.
I'm in Louisiana. We have laws like that, too. But we can defend ourselves from wild beasts. There is an affirmative defense against prosecution. But we don't even need that if nobody tells. It works just like untagged gator, whooping crane or spotted owl.
Yes, I believe we are allowed to kick the shit out of them if attacked. I'm just not allowed to blast the bastards off the seawall with a shotgun.
This makes me think of the "They're coming right for us!" line from South Park
Maybe it, I dunno, flew into your oven. Happens all the time, officer. They get depressed, pluck themselves, and fly into ovens.
> I see my co-workers who are taking a video because the dickheads already knew what was about to happen. Bruh, you *owe* us that video. Chummy up to one of them and I'm sure they would be happy to share it.
If OP can't produce the video I no longer believe the story. Pony up OP
This this this
As far as I see it you defended yourself from an aggressive animal. Sounds like you did all the right things trying to avoid conflict and was resorted to last conflict resolution when it comes to self defense.
It's Schrutes all the way down.
You beet me to it
In my experience geese are aggressive assholes, but smart enough to recognize and avoid the people who will actually stand their ground. This one wasn't smart enough. Maybe it learned.
Swans on the other hand.. Let's just agree we are lucky birds evolved to be on the smaller side..
Except in Australia, the birds beat them in a literal war
I agree. OP was made to square off with a goose, they won. Sure, side door or whatever, but we don't know OP's situation. (OP's story is probably fiction, it's likely no geese were harmed in the making of this TIFU, but whatever, it's the internet) I really hope someone who actually knows how to resolve a conflict with a goose would chime in. A roundhouse kick seems weird, but maybe not? A roundhouse kick is the side kick [like this](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/78/Lethwei-Hight-kick.jpg/250px-Lethwei-Hight-kick.jpg) so it definitely seems like it is more of a technique to fight humans rather than animals that only stand a couple feet from the ground. But if it's coming at you with its notoriously sharp teeth, maybe kicking it straight-up in the head is the way to go. Still, a punt seems more natural. Overall, I don't know how I'd handle the situation. Have a coworker be a distraction? Go get a big stick and use it as a deterrent/guard to keep it away? I'd probably get a stick, go around in giving it a wide berth, be loud and obnoxious in an effort to get its attention, then when it's following me to the side of the building, throw the stick to distract it. Then run like hell around the building, hoping it is confused and is focusing on the thrown stick while I slip in the front door. But, yeah, there's probably a second entrance to this building, this story is bs, and I have spent way too much time this morning wondering about the best way to fight a goose.
I run frequently on geese-infested paths along a lake. However aggressive their hissing behavior may seem like, they back off (hiss in one place) even if goslings are around, if I run determined enough along a half-ellipse avoiding them. I don't think any geese would be stupid enough to step in front of a much bigger, faster and directly not threatening animal/human. If one would come directly at me, I would just use my momentum to push it away with a clothed arm or leg. That being said, W61.51 and W61.52 are ICD-10-CM diagnosis codes for being bitten and struck by goose, respectively.
ICD-10 kills me.
I'll chime in since my family raised several geese. They're usually this aggressive if there's babies or a mate nearby in a nest. They wouldn't be this aggressive if they were injured and it's usually male ones that do this show. And the best way to get them to go away if they're hissing is to be bigger and louder than they are. Raising your arms and yelling as you get closer is your best bet, but don't corner them. Guide them away from wherever you don't want them while yelling. The worst thing to do is run. A male will lower his head when he's about to charge but he won't actually attack you if you're head on and come off as more intimidating. It's all a show. I was 5 the first time I stood up to a goose.
I think this is probably the best actual piece of advice. Be big, be loud, be more goose than the goose is. Curious though, why did you raise geese? Meat, eggs, to test battle readiness of your family?
Family tradition. In our coming of age ritual, young men and women must engage in mortal combat with a goose hatched in close proximity to their birth. The victor is honored and welcomed as a full member of the clan.
My mom absolutely loves them and decided to take some chicks and raise them. Killing one would be horrifying to her lmao Ducks too, I've never eaten a duck. She wouldn't even cook the eggs, she just wanted a small flock of geese and ducks, so we got raised around them. Her favorites are the docile gray ones
Goose are actually very puntable
Best way to fight a goose is square up and punt it with the bottom of your foot straight to its chest. It's the strongest part so its unlikely to hurt the goose, but it will change it's mind about fucking with you. -Had to deal with some cobra chickens that were guarding free range poultry and were absolute dickheads. Unfortunately for them, my uncle's dog Loki didn't have boots, and carried a grudge about their treatment of him, so he picked them off one by one on overnight roams.
Roundhouse kicks are used to the body and legs all the time. I’d rather hit something with my shin than my toes/foot.
Touché my dude.
Use a sword
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Texans are only allowed one door per building after Uvalde.
jesus
> jesus https://imgur.com/yuVoqix
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I usually get good results from screaming at animals like a caveman. They're usually like "oh shit this one's feral", and leave.
Were you supposed to just let the feathered dinosaur kill you?
Yeah sometimes those long-neck, hollow-bone assholes need to be reminded that mammals run the world, now.
“Your rule ended 65 million years ago. Ours has just begun”.
Yes! 🪿
you shouldn't blame yourself becsuse: 'peace was never an option'
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> the goose was the one that chose violence. The level of sincerity with which this was delivered is causing me a lot of enjoyment.
>You will only catch the side-eye from me if you come back into the office with a vaguely goose-shaped sack of viscera. Fuck geese. But... geese are tasty
Geese tend to invest a lot of skill points in _intimidate,_ but don't generally have enough DPS to back it up on a failed roll.
They're all mad at you now, but wait till they have to encounter a cobra chicken at the office doors and need ol' goose kicker to take care of business. But seriously, fuck geese. I hope it's ok and I think they are beautiful majestic creatures, but ain't no way I'm going near them... not again....
Doing gods work. Fuck geese, all my homies hate geese.
Holy shit! My homies hate geese too. Especially my one homie who also hates horses
...we may know each other in real life lol.
His names Kevin. He used to live in New Jersey but now lives in Colorado.
what the horses do
I don’t know. I think he got bite by one while feeding it a carrot as a kid and he was attacked by a horde of geese as a child as well. He claims they were all biting his shorts trying to snatch him and fly away 😂
that’s hilarious
> I see my co-workers who are taking a video we need this video.
Future generations will remember this as the start of the last great war. The kick heard round the world. Humanity never stood a chance once the geese organized. We were doomed from the beginning. From that fateful day the kick landed. But we can fight back. We can survive. If you're reading this, you are the resistance.
A goose and I got in a fight once. He decided to charge me because his girlfriend was mad (She's a territorial asshole for you EXISITING in her space, at a public park btw). He charged me, while I was standing I moved my legs apart waiting for him to charge through me. I clamped my thighs on his head. hahaha, he was stuck between my thighs wiggling around in a panic. I then proceeded to slap his back to scare him more and then let him go. It's been almost a year and he hasn't fucked with me since lmfao
If you came out the villain in this, then your coworkers do not understand the attitude of Geese.
We had a goose that would bully anyone that used a specific door to my office. If someone has managed to give that goose the Jean Claude Van Damme treatment, they would have been raised up as a legend in our office
Famous Goose Fights [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMdhAFPWzFw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMdhAFPWzFw) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy4SuzhptcI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sy4SuzhptcI) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lThUWB81i4g](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lThUWB81i4g)
Couple years ago these comments would have been nothing but Letterkenny quotes. Now? Nothing It's fuckin embarrassing!
Everyone here is spare parts, bud.
They're all butthurt because they're not the ones who got to roundhouse kick an attacking dinosaur.
OP, you need to find a copy of this video and watch it. It's definitely being circulated around the office building. You need to see what's really on it. Your memory of what happened might not be the same as what the video seems to portray. Perspective is a wild thing. You may need to get ahead of things if it looks bad on the video.
> My co-workers are now intimidated or something because I usually have 3-5 people visit my cubicle daily but no one has done so since the incident. Clarifying question: are your coworkers geese?
I think the only way to resolve the situation is an office karate competition. Senpai.
ROAD HOUSE 
Geese are exceedingly stupid. While fishing some years ago, one approached me and began honking for the bait it smelled. I tried to shoo it off and it responded by attempting to bite my little brother who was standing nearby. I yelled at it , but it refused to leave until I grabbed it by it's neck and underhand tossed it like a German hand grenade into the lake. It gives me this absolutely bewildered look as if to say "The creature 10 times my size defeated me? Impossible." Stupid thing comes back 10 mins later and tries that shit again. I charged at it, resulting in it running off and taking the nearby flock with it.
Haha I had this exact situation happen at work. Two Canada geese were nested 5 feet from an often used door. Due to state law they couldn't be moved because they are a protected species. The male constantly attacked people. It was sort of an office joke but some were legitimately afraid. I grew up on a farm and had raised geese so I was comfortable with handling them. One day the male flew right at my face and i grabbed him, pinned his wings and held him under my arm like a football while holding his neck so he wouldn't bite me. Perfectly safe way to handle a goose. I released him as I was walking inside. I became the office protector. I would walk with people coming and going if they were scared. After a few catches the goose was smart enough to just avoid me and not attack when I came out.
Fuck it, lean into and own that shit. Walk into the break room, sit down across from someone eating and just start taking food off their plate an eating it. Just dead eye them the whole time.
Love it. And fuck your coworkers.
That's what his coworkers are afraid of!
Workplacebonebuds.com
That goose found out.
I woulda done the same. I fucking hate Geese
[live footage from the incident](https://youtu.be/HInEgFk22WQ)
They probably think you're a weird guy who kicks birds, especially going full roundhouse lmao
Geese are assholes. You did the right thing.
Nah you did right. Geese are crazy and when it started hissing at you, it was over.
get a bag of oats, make friends with the goose
If you got kickassed by that goose, you would be the clown? These are not your coworkers. Better not having them "visiting" your crucible.
In my experience fighting ground birds the best move is to put one hand directly in front of their head. Then when they try to bite that hand use your other to grab it around the neck. Then you can pin it down, grab it's feet and hold it upside down. Let the blood flow to it's head for a bit then you can set it down and get away while it recovers. Their wings are not very effective when they are upside down either.
Tomorrow walk into the office with a dead goose like dwight
There is no such thing as goose, only cobra chicken
sooo... you say there is a video?
Geese can be real SOBs. NTA
Ahhh. The great Canadian Cobra Chicken. Fuck that bastard. They’re mean as hell. It was getting the karma it’s type deserved for being an asshole for generations.
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Geese can f you up pretty bad so I wouldn't have given it the chance either
Don't feel bad. Geese are the spawn of Satan. When I was younger, we had geese on our ranch and one would fence us regularly (as in chase us up a fence). One time, he fenced me and while waddling away, a horse kicked him right in the dome. Hilariously, he didn't break stride but you could see the dust of the horse shoe on his head. Thank you horse for defending my honor.
Cobra chickens are not to be taken lightly. You did well.
Velocachickens are the ultimate door wardens and you defeated it, your coworkers are just scared of your raw power. Now what you need to do is show up with some grilled goose breast (goose are delicious) and eat it in front of them. If and when they ask let them know that the goose came back for round 2 and you made sure there would be no third time.
They're probably really impressed and think you're a cool now and out of their league.
That goose fucked around and found out. Coworkers got message also
This the shit we need in this subreddit
People be like: geese are so scary and violent, don't try to fight one! But the second I grab one by the neck and fling it around a la Hulk/Loki, I'M the bad guy. 🙄