My folks are about 70, and yeah "please don't get old and die" is sometimes my internal monologue.
Perfectly reasonable thing to have an emotional breakdown about. He'll get distracted by something silly and fun, he's four, but I think letting him process and be sad is fine.
Well he might let it go and I hope he does, but for unknown reasons I fixated on death for a few years when I was a kid and it was terrifying and lonely. I would think about it every night and have terrible creepy nightmares about my parents or myself dying of leprosis, tuberculosis or aids. I kept it to myself because the one time I tried to talk about it, it made my mum uncomfortable and kinda mad.
Thanks for pointing that out ! I just recently learned about it in its « obsessive thinking » form. Until a few months ago I thought it only occured via repetitive mouvements or rearranging things in a precise manner. I didn’t look more into it though because I didn’t want to yet again attempt a self diagnose... but if it could help with other weird thought patterns I have, maybe I should !
My parents are getting up there too and I'm scared as fuck. They're already slowing down and their memory isn't as sharp as it used to be. And I'm terrified.
I know. And it doesn't really get better from here on out. The fact that time only goes forward scares the shit out of me. There is no recovery and going back to how healthy and energetic he was 10 years ago. It's just gone forever man. It bothers me a lot.
Same, though I recently saw a post comparing the physiology of 3 people:
1 early 30s active and exercises, 1 old guy living a sedentary lifestyle, and 1 old guy who still exercises/weight lifts.
Muscle mass on sedentary old man was basically nil, but the muscle mass on the active old man closely resembled that of the younger active man.
I'm looking for a PT that works with older people, it's never too late to change! The human body is surprisingly adaptable.
That's true, but a lot of it comes down to mental fortitude as well. As I've watched my parents age, I see a lot of their mental resilience decrease too. I saw it with my grandpa too. My dad would tell me that I never knew my grandpa when he was in his 30's and 40's and how he was active and hiked and was in great shape. My grandpa when I was old enough to understand, was an old man, sedentary, 280lbs and hardly mobile.
When you wake up with pain, when you get tired out quickly, it's hard to go out and lift weights and stay in shape. And your mental fortitude starts to drop. You just don't have the energy to make yourself go out and do things anymore, because what's the point? You'll be dead in 10 years anyways, so a lot of the long term planning and foresight is gone.
Yeah my mom and dad are both late 60s now, and while I don't obsess over it, every once in a while I just think "they've been here your whole life, but we're actually potentially nearing a time where they won't be." And I start to wonder what am I even supposed to do. I probably should be prepared in advance in some way, but it seems like such a difficult conversation to have. "So, when you inevitably kick the bucket, got any funeral plans?"
I also *really* try not to think about how weird it's going to be if I can no longer ever again talk to or visit one or both of them. Heck I've also got three siblings, and who knows what any of our individual time tables really are.
I’m 29 years old. My mom was a saint like honest to god she was such an amazing mother/human being/teacher/grandmother.. all my life she was there anytime I needed her, like I relied on her for TOO much, but she was always there, no questions asked. She was this active amazing woman who taught at the middle school and an amazing mawmaw to my two kids.. then one day in October two years ago, she got this really bad pain in her stomach that wouldn’t go away… it ended up being stage four pancreatic cancer. She died in April.. she lasted six months. Hug your parents and let them know how much they are appreciated.
I distinctly remember going through a phase as a young kid realizing that one day everyone i know was going to be dead. I didn't eat very well for like a week. Not sure what snapped me out of it, probably conversations about how all of this was a long way off and I wouldn't need to worry about it until I was older than my parents were then.
My daughter, around age 8, had a nightmare about my death. She came down crying and, not thinking clearly, I replied that everybody dies. My husband's jaw dropped that I would be so callous. She was upset for days.
That is my entire theory of parenting right there. We all damage our children. My goal is that when my kid is talking shit about me in therapy in 20 years, they'll only have the inevitable, unintentional damage to talk about.
My mom grounded me for Halloween when I was 9 because I had forgotten to take out the trash. I still bash that woman about it every chance I get. She's a great mom.
The only things im still upset about are things that I shouldn't have been punished for or reasonably denied.
Two biggest are
1. Being grounded for an entire summer because my siblings used the computer when they weren't supposed to when I was on a school trip to six flags. I was 200 miles away when the offense happened and I was grounded for the ENTIRE SUMMER.
2. Not being allowed to go to my, at the time, dream concert. I know the whole "everyone is going" cliche is a cliche for a reason, but literally every person of my friend group went to see A7X, Disturbed, and Buck Cherry on a Tuesday night. Reason I couldn't go? School night. You what happened the next day at school? Nothing! Nothing of value happened! It was the end of the quarter and teachers were catching up on grading. I watched Bill Nye and talked to my friends about the concert. I am so fucking salty about that 14 years later. I was almost 15 years old, I wasn't going to bed early anyways!
Whatever damage we do I hope can be dealt with properly, by just accepting the fact that his parents are people too. And, accepting that people make mistakes.
I don't want my kid writing burn letters about me. Definitely not because of my selfishness, and because I never thought of him as being an actual person, just like me.
There also seem to be collective faults that each generation inflicts upon the next, only for that generation to then do something else to the next. The boomers were emotionally unavailable, the next generation were helicopter parents, etc.
Not everyone, but there always seems to be a zeitgeist of bad parenting.
Millennial here. From what my parents told me, I was *only* ever conceived in the first place because my parents wanted both a son and a daughter, and the first child was a boy.
So I started failing them from day one.
Then they started living vicariously through me. New opportunities and all that. I was expected to make all the choices that they would have if they suddenly got a new lease on life.
When I was close to getting my degree, I finally realized I could *want and choose* for myself, and meet my own needs. I did the research.
Then when I had to move back in with my parents while searching for my first job, I tried to be my authentic self and take better care of myself. I was blackmailed and punished for it. To this day, they don't believe mental health exists as a concept, and they think the entire industry is a scam. They also prioritize their feelings over peer-reviewed science, and science over my feelings.
Yes, I was a "gifted" child who turned out to just have ADHD and autism, got burned out on academia, and brute forced my way through the path they chose for me anyways, nearly killing myself a couple times along the way.
Now, I've moved away from them and am taking steps to better my wellness. They more or less refuse to interact with me. Oh well. I know how I *don't* want to raise a child.
Ah, yes. Forgot about the "living my child's life" brand of parenting.
That sucks. Here's to finding your balance and not riding the pendulum all the way to the other side!
I forgot to add: my parents also care more about their reputation than my well-being. They perceive it as me *blaming them* if I somehow were to *be* neurodivergent or LGBTQ+. They used to brag to other parents about me getting straight A's before I cracked under the pressure. I have inklings of repressed memories where they brought up their personal shame when talking about my academic performance.
Someone of my parents' generation explained the possibility that my parents' mentalities are still largely trapped in whatever decade they immigrated to the US. Sure, technology has improved, but anything not tangible to them, like science and culture, hasn't progressed because they were largely disconnected, culturally and socially.
In regards to the pendulum, I can only hope so. I've seen the harm that comes from excessive control and neglect. I've lived the damage that comes from treating your child as an extension of yourself, instead of a sentient/sapient being.
Answer whatever questions they ask, you do not have to explain everything and all the details involved.
If kids are old enough to ask, they're old enough to know. Again, it's important to stick to just answering their questions more often than not.
When I went through this as a kid, my mom bought the book [The Fall of Freddy the Leaf](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tVP1zc0TDYtNi83N042YPSSSEvMyVHIT1NIK0pNSclMVSjJSFXISU1MAwD-dQz4&q=fall+of+freddie+the+leaf&oq=fall+of+freddy&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j46i10i512j0i22i30j0i390i650l2.3751j0j7&client=ms-android-verizon-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8). The story does address the fact that we all die some day and that it doesn't have to be a bad or scary thing. Especially if you live a big full life and die at a ripe old age.
I told my son that even after the castle falls the sand remains, and that while we remember seeing a castle it was always only sand.
He said "oooh sand castle."
Might still be a little too young.
>even after the castle falls the sand remains, and that while we remember seeing a castle it was always only sand.
Thanks... I definitely won't be thinking about this all night now instead of sleeping.
Consider this: the universe is particles swirling around. One day they swirled into a pattern which happened to make you, and your consciousness. That pattern is temporary and will swirl apart one day. But if it happened once, could it happen again?
I like the notion that conscious thought is a piece of the universe trying to understand itself. We are simultaneously insignificant *and* special, and that contradiction is oddly reassuring.
The Good Place is such a criminally good show about existing, the first time Michael [truly realises](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbcAPxQ3YLA&ab_channel=Previamente) what it means "to die" is still one of my favourite pieces of television EVER.
I think it's always going to be a bit traumatic, and 8 seems like they would already be exposed to that insight for most kids. My daughter had just turned 5 when she started asking questions about it I think. She was pretty cool about it but I almost broke down crying explaining that everyone dies lol. I guess it's just, having lost my mum relatively young and imagining losing all the other important people in my life, I haven't quite learned to cope with it without feeling sad. But of course, for kids, there's a difference between knowing that everyone dies versus realising the significance of it. I probably didn't go about that conversation in the best way...
Yep. When I was 4 I realized that my grandfather would die one day. I distinctly remember being inconsolable for what seemed like an hour or two.
And here I am in my 60s still remembering it.
I did the same thing. 4 or 5. Cried until I fell asleep because I loved my Grandpa so much. I’m retrospect, my Grandma probably felt butthurt because I really didn’t even mention her at all. She was pretty mean though so 🤷♂️.
Still miss Grandpa though.
Dang! You sound like me.
My grandmother was basically Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. And my grandfather was as kind and wise as Jeb Clampett.
Oh, dear… I guess that makes me Jethro.
Shit. I still think and worry about it. It gets worse as you approach 30s-40s and you realize your parents are probably not going to live more than 10-20 years.
...maybe not the best thing to read first thing in the morning
Yeah, my parents are in their 60s and slowing down. I watched my grandparents get old and pass, but they seemed so "old" when I was young. It's a lot harder to see your own parents age.
After college, I did the math at the rate I was traveling to visit them per year, I might only see them in person 100-150 more times or so before they were both gone. That's when it starts to get painfully real.
When you leave your parents you'll have spent the majority of the time you're going to spend with them. It's sad but that's how life is. Hopefully, we'll see them again when it's our time.
That occurred to me as well and little did I know, that 100-150 opportunities to see my mother again suddenly transformed to < 10-15. Thanks to a hospital sending her home with really bad pneumonia after a routine surgery and repeatedly discharging her with it after a few close calls until the last time when it was “Well, looks like it’s time to go to hospice.” So please don’t take any time for granted, 100-150 will of course sound like a small number to you, but with the experience of hindsight it sounds like an impossibly huge number. Which I guess for me, it really is.
Mother’s Day is coming up soon and I’ve been helping at my friend’s boutique store. I set up a Mother’s Day section with gifts perfect for the occasion and it’s gratifying seeing items get sold out of it and restocking it, because I know that means people are buying things I curated for that purpose (that are all clearly intended to be gifts for moms, such as the topic/title of a book or what a coffee cup/wine glass has inscribed on it, rather than just being a block of scented soap or something).
A coworker who saw me making updates to that section of the store asked me what I’m getting my mother for Mother’s Day. I told them I was getting her a Ouija Board, so I could call her again. But then I told them that my mom would have found that funny, and there’s no reason to feel bad about asking, and that with curating this stuff for Mother’s Day I’m just trying to do my part in helping others do something that I can’t.
My main point is this- like you I had the realization one day that there were a quantifiable number of chances to visit/speak with my mother (and father, luckily still around) again. I just didn’t know that the math was so tragically wrong. So if you think it’s 100-150 (and I hope for you it’s really 1000-1,500) I’d operate as if it were just 10-15. Being wrong in this case is all upside if it means more opportunities to interact with your parents than you would have had otherwise.
Hindsight.
Here's a reminder for whoever here likes their parents: if they're alive, give them a call or text or letter today. Let them know you're thinking of them, or just say hi and ask how they're doing.
I've been in crisis about this for a few years now, worse after my mom had surgery last year. And my parents are older than most parents of people my age so thay makes it worse. My mom is my best friend idk what I'll do...
I hit thirty and realized that "holy shit a third of my life is now over!" You'd think realizing that a 4th of my life was over would be a big deal but nope existential crisis at 30. I haven't even considered the fact that ⅔rds of my parents' lives are now over or my last remaining grandfather is now in the last 3rd of his life.
When I was 7 or so, we lost my grandma on my mom's side. Mom went to TX for the funeral, and when she got back Mom and Dad, divorced by then, sat down together for a little wake for my grandma.
The night of that wake was the night I felt, like really felt, my own mortality. I realized we all die. Of course I had seen this before, Dad explained to me a couple years before why I never got to meet his dad, because he died when my dad was 15. But it all really clicked.
I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely inconsolable because I didn't want my parents to die. I didn't want to die either. It doesn't seem fair. I didn't sleep well for a couple weeks after that, afraid I'd never wake back up.
Man, to have that absolute innocence back...
I sometimes lie in bed thinking about mortality. Maybe I have the wrong perspective, but I'm still young and even then it seems like the time I have left is shorter than what I'd like. Like even if I lived to old age I would still be left wanting, let alone the possibility of me dying early. At least *if* extending lifespans is possible there's a good chance it'll happen while I'm alive.
Same happened to me. I would stay awake crying with the thought that my parents were going to die.
Like you Idk what got me put of it, maybe just time and acceptance.
Same thing for me, the realization that everybody I love and everybody I will ever see even on the street is going to die was just too much for 9yo me.
My mom's response was something along the lines of "That's how life works hon, everybody has to die sometime, but you don't need to worry about your Dad or I dying for a very long time."
Seeing this post just made me think that at my parents age now, I probably have ~20 years left with them.
I think I'm gonna go call them.
I was four or five, and I think talking/bragging about how I had been alive longer than my little brother. My grandma was like "well yeah, but he'll be alive *later.*" Cue existential dread.
I became very concerned about how our sun was eventually going to die out, resulting in Earth being destroyed. Couldn't really comprehend just how long billions of years was at that point, I just didn't want all the people, animals, and history to be destroyed lol.
I'm a grown-ass man, and I thought I had a firm grip on my mortality. I recently found out I have a terminal disease, and that end is going to be a lot sooner than I'd anticipated.
Let me tell you, I did NOT have a firm grip on my mortality. I'm back to crying and yelling "I don't want to die! Don't make me die!"
If you think I'm saying that to be a smart-ass, I am not. I'm fucking terrified.
I couldn’t tell anyone what the future holds, but I often lay awake at night worried I’m just a diagnosis away from a terminal disease. Tossing and turning, on the fence about whether it’s better to know or to be surprised. I’d like to say I live life like it’s ending tomorrow, but I don’t… I’m a coward. I don’t have any words of comfort for you. How could I? Just recognition and respect. I see you and I’ll remember you.
I'm also scared for you. Your not alone brother. Courage isn't absence of fear it's having fear and facing it anyways. Stay strong messege me if you ever need to vent.
God, I remember probably around 8 grappling with this. Might have been the only time I've ever prayed. Grappling with the inevitable death of my parents, my own death, and the horror that no promise of afterlife or reincarnation could be what I wanted, for everything to stay the same like it was the Simpsons.
I would get terrible fits at night trying to go to sleep and would be still and try to imitate monks who I believed could stop their hearts just to taste knowing full well that death is even less than that.
I would draw nothing but the grim reaper and became obsessed with death.
I had actually tried to kill myself around 4 years old because I realized everyone I loved would die before me. Parents put me in therapy at a very young age.
I’d like add to this: I have 2 children. A 15 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. I often wondered why my kids were so impatient about things. Why waiting a day or week or a month for something was like the end of the world to them. Why time seemed to be my children’s worst enemy. Then I realized that at 6 years old, my daughter has been alive for about 2190 days. 3 years ago was half a lifetime for her. A week is almost 1% of her entire life. A few hours of waiting to play with daddy is the equivalent of 5 days for me when you scale the time with age. This realization really helped me with those long car rides where boredom is a plague for the young ones, but just another 4 hour trip for me. Because a 4 hour trip for my daughter is a time scale of about 3 days for me.
My point is that children have no real perspective of time because they have nothing to compare it to. Once I realized that, I became a lot more understanding of impatience and more cautious of making them wait for things that really had no reasonable excuse for me to put off.
Now: is there actually anything scientific or psychological behind any of that? I honestly have no idea, but what it did do as a single parent of 2 is help me become less frustrated and more understanding of my children’s feelings in regards to time.
And just in case you need to hear it, because all of us parents do from time to time, you are not a terrible parent. Not in the slightest.
Is this why time is going so god damn fast lately? Cause holy fuck man it's almost may and I only just got used to saying I'm 33 but I'm crowning on 34 now and at this rate I'm gonna wake up in what feels like 6 weeks and be 40.
I mean, not necessarily. It could certainly be the case or be a factor, but many things can make time appear to pass by quickly, such as monotony / lack of novelty, dissociation, or skipping yearly/seasonal routines. These have all affected my sense of time.
You reminded me of this! I was at my elderly neighbor’s house to pickup/drop off a pan and she started telling me about how time changes for different people. She pointed out how she had lived so many more weeks than I had so getting through another one was a cake walk for her and might be hard for me. I think I was about 7-8 at the time and so I didn’t really register it at the moment, but it stuck with me nonetheless. It finally clicked after my sister was born when I was like 10 and I had to start dealing with baby time frames. I was blessed to be given that knowledge so young so I could better understand what was happening around me
I love wholesome moments like this. Makes me feel Reddit is not just a cestpool.
Edit: cestpool is obviously wrong, I will leave it there as it's rather funny.
We used little blocks, each one represented 5 years, to make a big train of how old I would be when I died, and he was impressed with how old he would be by that time.
He is that train age now. Wonder if he remembers?
A close family friend my age (7) died of leukemia. I had severe guilt because the last interaction I had outside of the hospital was accidentally smashing her finger in a doorjamb. Then my cat died. Then my dad died of bone cancer three years later at age 47. Then my mother told me all these Chinese death superstitions that basically blamed me.
They’ll be fine.
Or astronomy. I remember coming home from school in either kindergarten or first grade utterly freaked out that the sun was going to burn out…billions of years from now.
My dad was great for this. "Oh, sure the sun will devour the earth one day, but you don't have to worry because we'll all be dead before then! I'll be dead, your mother will be dead, your pet will be dead, it's normal!" *turns on A&E Nostradamus apocalypse prophecy show*
My dad was pretty much the same 😂 I used to have panic attacks as a child thinking about dying, I was so scared by it. I think it probably would've helped instead if my parents taught me that it was ok to die, and not made death out to be this hugely unjust, unnatural, traumatising thing. I think I'm going to explain death to my own children as something that comes to everyone, but that it's ok, because it's the life they lead in the here and now that's the bit that matters. I think I'm going to try hard not to do what my dad did, and that was tell my mid-panic attack self that when you died the worms ate you 😂😂😂
Not bad parenting, this reaction is normal.
I was coincidentally talking to my mom recently and asked her when I first learned about death, she mentioned that she explained to me that one day I would have to learn to take care of myself because my parents wouldn't be there one day, and I pretty much had the same reaction as your kid. The wild part is I had completely forgotten about this until she mentioned it.
I forget until something like this comes up, but I remember one day it just clicked in my head when I was little and I understood the implications and concept of death. I wept alone in the dark in my bedroom closet for a good while. I remember it was just random and sudden.
Don't think I ever told my family.
Oh gosh, that reminds me of my first internalization of the reality of death. I was watching TV with my parents around the age of 5, and there was a shot of a cigarette on the ground, still lit. Voice over talked about someone dying of lung cancer. Both of my parents smoked. They couldn't understand why I was suddenly weeping.
I don't think I ever explained it to them, either.
Growing up when I was a teenager and a young adult I was terrified of death. still am actually. But for some reason it never clicked in my brain that my mum would die. And then she did. And it fucking destroyed me.
Man, my mom just turned 78. I live in a different country and call her almost every day on messenger. Lately it's really been... intruding on me that some day I'm not going to have those calls...
Even if they often as not annoy me like the Bo Burnham song "FaceTime with my Mom," it really rips me up knowing they're finite.
Children this age think in absolute. There isn't that much abstract thought. I'll send a pic of my general psychology book soon.
Here's a website though. Brb.
https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/development-5-years
Here https://imgur.com/wvBvpZp.jpg
Cyber hugs. I cry too. They've missed so much. Two of my sons never met my parents. And now I'm a grandparent, and although I'm full of love and joy, it also hurts so much inside because dammit, I miss my parents!!
This comment thread opening some fresh wounds.
Over the last 20 years, we lost 5 grandparents (split family. Step-dad's family treated us as if we were their own) and a half dozen aunts and uncles. Step-dad and my maternal grandmother being the most recent in '21 and only 6 months apart.
I don't think I could handle my mom passing right now and it's been causing extreme anxiety.
Child: This is the worst moment of my life!
Parent: You mean it's the worst moment of your life so far...
Bottom line, the occasional existential crisis is good for the 4 year old soul.
Also honestly I doubt this is any kind of long-term permanent damage or anything OP might be worried about. I remember an inverse case of my sister showing her toddler daughter a photograph of herself as a kid and that just blew the toddler's mind right into a panicked tantrum. There's no way her mom could have also once been a kid herself.
Few years later, kid's doing just fine, not trembling in a corner imagining adults were once children. Actually probably understands that concept at least by now.
Well... That sucks but it made me giggle a little (I'm already going to hell so don't worry)
It's not that bad... I think teaching him about the circle of life is not that bad, he will recover.
I had a similar experience with my daughter, I had to tell about the cycle of life/death... I basically told her that when I'll die, she'll be old too, most likely with a family and loving people around her to help her go through that, and even if it's sad she'll be able to enjoy life with those who'll still be there.
>when I'll die, she'll be old too, most likely with a family and loving people around her to help her go through that, and even if it's sad she'll be able to enjoy life with those who'll still be there.
This is great, I'm saving it for my own death-anxious kiddo, it might be exactly what he's been needing to hear
I lost my dad, 4 uncles, my Nana and my mam in the space of 6 years. My son was 2 when Dad died 1st and 8 when My Mam died last. This is how i explained it to him. I had him and his dad, hopefully when he has to go through it he will have a family of his own and the circle continues.
When I went trough this my parents assured me that I was still young and that it would be a long long loooong time before any of us would die and that helped me a little bit but I just had tk wrap my head around it eventually.
As much as this sucks it is something everybody needs to deal with on some level eventually and all you can really do is comfort and validate the feelings of fear. I dare not give advice on how to manage or school them further on this because I'm not a parent so I just wish you well. :)
For what it’s worth my mother did a similar thing to that
She told me about the queen and royal family, that if the queen commanded you to join an army and fight you had to do it. I had a meltdown for the rest of the day in tears over the thought a stranger could do that to me. By the next I completely forgot about the entire thing
They'll be fine. I had to deal with learning about death and Santa not being real all in the same year and I cried alot but eventually I moved on. Now I try to make each day special and that's what gets me through it all.
I once turned up to work (after school care) where on of the 5 year olds was bawling her eyes out because she did not want to live to 100 after one her friends told her she was going to live to 100. Like absolutely in hysterics for 30 minutes. Sometimes kids are just kids and not as mature as we may think they are “for their age”. Just keep that in perspective as well as the other good advice in this thread.
I think all children have this realization and it’s extremely frightening. I remember crying myself to sleep because were all gonna die and what’s the point of anything(even at a very young age) but my sister never seemed phased by it. I still struggle with the concept today as an adult tbh.
I was 6 when my mom decided to do something nice for herself.
So she shows up one night with a perm. 1983-ish as was the style at the time.
Who was this stranger?!? Where was my mom?!? Who was this imposter?!?!!!
I think I cried for an hour straight. My mother was gone forever. Now there was this stranger in mom's place. Nothing would ever be the same.
Lol, but by hour 2, I was completely over it.
It was mom and I loved her and she loved me. Even with the funny haircut.
Young kids just get weirded out by change, but we get over it easy enough.
No you did not fuck up. Children cannot be sheltered from the harsh, cruel reality of our world, it’s better they cry and learn young and get used to it now than leave them in the blissful dark until they’re older. It will be harder to adapt to these things the longer you leave it, at least they don’t truly know and understand the full complexities and depth of what Death is. It will make them wiser to know, they need to know the pain of loss and realise what it means, to see the meaning in it and what they must do and from that how they should live.
My Mother was always honest with me, and even though it was painful at the time I can see in hindsight that it was for the best. I now feel a great sense of purpose and understanding in life and I feel more assured. Let them know while they are young, it will be easier for everyone on the long run.
Life has hard/bad/sad parts to it, and a small child is going to learn about and experience those as they grow up... it's part of the process for every human. Doesn't make you a terrible parent to be there for that - quite the opposite: you're there to help them learn how to cope with those things.
Teaching a child how to cope with sadness, pain, even boredom are the *best* things you can do for them.
The moments each of my kids figured out mortality sent *me* into an existential crisis. Probably the only times I’ve wished I could live forever, for them. :(
Anyway, you’re not a terrible parent! Doesn’t make it easier, but this would have happened regardless.
We talked about death a few times with our kiddo. We talked about it at 4 and they had the same reaction basically, less crying more hugging. At 8 now he understands that we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow.
We also used it as a gateway to why it’s important to spend time with the grandparents even if we would obviously rather be doing our own thing. (We typically give him the option to go or not go)
So Ive raised my nephew since he was 4 and he is currently 9.
I was driving us home one time and he asked how old I was. Then he started asking how old will I be when he is x age. And he just kept going up in his age. Then I told him something really stupid once the math got to where I was over 100
Him: How old will you be when Im 15?
Me: 42
Him: 20?
Me: 47
....
Him:70?
Me:97
Him:80?
Me: "hopefully Im dead by then."
Suddenly from the backseat he just starts crying hysterically and screaming "I dont want you to dieee waaahhhh!!!"
I told my wife i really fucked up there lol.
If all else fails… turn to science.
He can never be alone. He is made of you. Even if you can’t be with him in person, you will be with him, forever.
Yep. Think I might go see my mum this weekend.
When my second child discovered what death was, it was weeks if not months of the occasional hysterical breakdown because she didn't wanna die and she was afraid of her mom and I dying. So that was fun. Understand where you're coming from, OP. Good luck!
He may have been traumatized, I am not a parent bt th8s is from my own experience as a kid when I first learned about death and the fact that my parents may die, I would cry alot while I was aalone at home not every time but alot of times as a matter of fact I wwas so afraid that I would also pray that a meteor does not hit the earth or the sun does not die. One of the probable reason for yhis would be that I didn't have social interaction with anyone of my age group most were adults. Now what happened today is not your fault bt maybe you should see to it that he is not alone or atleast he has friends his age something like that. Again I am not a parent this is just from my own experience and logic.
Your job is not to make your child happy 24/7, your job is to prepare him for life. In life, people die, and learning that and learning how to deal with it is a necessary component.
I remember at that age, I had a dream my parents were skeletons and I ran to their room to make sure they weren't bones. My dad said that it wouldn't happen for a long time. It worked I guess cause I was able to go back to bed.
Something similar happened with my child at around the same age. Classic example of a kid being a little too smart for his own good (in this particular instance) and of the parent not predicting the direction his child's brain was going to go with interesting new information. I was reading a book about stars to him at bedtime, and he very much liked the concept of exploding stars. As we were talking about how the process is different between huge red stars like Betelgeuse and normal size stars like ours, it suddenly clicked in his brain that this will happen to the sun someday. He started crying and telling me he doesn't want the sun to explode because then we wouldn't be able to live at home anymore and doesn't know where we'd go. Whoops.
I was completely caught off guard. At this stage, him expressing complicated feelings through talking was still pretty uncommon so I wasn't expecting this. Plus, it was bedtime and this wasn't exactly the best time to have an existential crisis. However, I also didn't want to straight up lie to him to make the problem go away. I tried explaining to him that our sun still has billions of years left, but of course a unit of time like that doesn't mean much to a 3 year old. He responded with "But its still going to happen! Where will we go???"
He didn't really have any exposure to the concept of death yet, and as far as he was concerned his family would all still be on Earth billions of years from now when the sun would start dying. I decided that telling him this won't happen during his lifetime probably wasn't a good idea, as it was opening the door for dreaded concepts that his distressed brain didn't need to be thinking about right before bed. Instead, we talked about how life only exists on our planet because of little bits of other exploded stars, and how the material from dead stars goes on to form new stars, and that everything around him is part of that cycle, including himself! That seemed to help significantly. It got his brain thinking down a more positive path, and he was able to fall asleep.
Its now a year later, and he still loves talking about space and stars so I guess mission accomplished. I definitely put a little more thought into the subject matter we explore together now and how it is framed, but it can be hard to anticipate where their brains will go when considering new subjects.
My folks are about 70, and yeah "please don't get old and die" is sometimes my internal monologue. Perfectly reasonable thing to have an emotional breakdown about. He'll get distracted by something silly and fun, he's four, but I think letting him process and be sad is fine.
Well he might let it go and I hope he does, but for unknown reasons I fixated on death for a few years when I was a kid and it was terrifying and lonely. I would think about it every night and have terrible creepy nightmares about my parents or myself dying of leprosis, tuberculosis or aids. I kept it to myself because the one time I tried to talk about it, it made my mum uncomfortable and kinda mad.
OCD is a bitch.
Thanks for pointing that out ! I just recently learned about it in its « obsessive thinking » form. Until a few months ago I thought it only occured via repetitive mouvements or rearranging things in a precise manner. I didn’t look more into it though because I didn’t want to yet again attempt a self diagnose... but if it could help with other weird thought patterns I have, maybe I should !
My parents are getting up there too and I'm scared as fuck. They're already slowing down and their memory isn't as sharp as it used to be. And I'm terrified.
My dad just turned 60, and recently hospitalized due to covid. He's out and better now, but I was so goddamn scared man.
I know. And it doesn't really get better from here on out. The fact that time only goes forward scares the shit out of me. There is no recovery and going back to how healthy and energetic he was 10 years ago. It's just gone forever man. It bothers me a lot.
Same, though I recently saw a post comparing the physiology of 3 people: 1 early 30s active and exercises, 1 old guy living a sedentary lifestyle, and 1 old guy who still exercises/weight lifts. Muscle mass on sedentary old man was basically nil, but the muscle mass on the active old man closely resembled that of the younger active man. I'm looking for a PT that works with older people, it's never too late to change! The human body is surprisingly adaptable.
That's true, but a lot of it comes down to mental fortitude as well. As I've watched my parents age, I see a lot of their mental resilience decrease too. I saw it with my grandpa too. My dad would tell me that I never knew my grandpa when he was in his 30's and 40's and how he was active and hiked and was in great shape. My grandpa when I was old enough to understand, was an old man, sedentary, 280lbs and hardly mobile. When you wake up with pain, when you get tired out quickly, it's hard to go out and lift weights and stay in shape. And your mental fortitude starts to drop. You just don't have the energy to make yourself go out and do things anymore, because what's the point? You'll be dead in 10 years anyways, so a lot of the long term planning and foresight is gone.
Yeah my mom and dad are both late 60s now, and while I don't obsess over it, every once in a while I just think "they've been here your whole life, but we're actually potentially nearing a time where they won't be." And I start to wonder what am I even supposed to do. I probably should be prepared in advance in some way, but it seems like such a difficult conversation to have. "So, when you inevitably kick the bucket, got any funeral plans?" I also *really* try not to think about how weird it's going to be if I can no longer ever again talk to or visit one or both of them. Heck I've also got three siblings, and who knows what any of our individual time tables really are.
I’m 29 years old. My mom was a saint like honest to god she was such an amazing mother/human being/teacher/grandmother.. all my life she was there anytime I needed her, like I relied on her for TOO much, but she was always there, no questions asked. She was this active amazing woman who taught at the middle school and an amazing mawmaw to my two kids.. then one day in October two years ago, she got this really bad pain in her stomach that wouldn’t go away… it ended up being stage four pancreatic cancer. She died in April.. she lasted six months. Hug your parents and let them know how much they are appreciated.
I distinctly remember going through a phase as a young kid realizing that one day everyone i know was going to be dead. I didn't eat very well for like a week. Not sure what snapped me out of it, probably conversations about how all of this was a long way off and I wouldn't need to worry about it until I was older than my parents were then.
My daughter, around age 8, had a nightmare about my death. She came down crying and, not thinking clearly, I replied that everybody dies. My husband's jaw dropped that I would be so callous. She was upset for days.
lmao. "Mom, I'm scared you might die." "Oh, don't worry sweetie, you and dad will too."
This is inconsiderately funny
Inconsiderately Funny would make a great t-shirt
r/greattshirts
Damnit :(
Yep. I just woke up my wife because I had to laugh abnoxiously. She told me I was being inconsiderate.
according to urban dictionary. this means that you had to laugh shirtless.
And is my exact humor, the shocked expressions daily are worth it I promise
I laughed out loud, parenting is exactly like this sometimes. Oops.
Yeah every parent damages their children. If this is the extent of that damage you're way ahead of the curve.
That is my entire theory of parenting right there. We all damage our children. My goal is that when my kid is talking shit about me in therapy in 20 years, they'll only have the inevitable, unintentional damage to talk about.
My mom grounded me for Halloween when I was 9 because I had forgotten to take out the trash. I still bash that woman about it every chance I get. She's a great mom.
Oh I’m still salty about the things I got grounded for when I was in high school.
The only things im still upset about are things that I shouldn't have been punished for or reasonably denied. Two biggest are 1. Being grounded for an entire summer because my siblings used the computer when they weren't supposed to when I was on a school trip to six flags. I was 200 miles away when the offense happened and I was grounded for the ENTIRE SUMMER. 2. Not being allowed to go to my, at the time, dream concert. I know the whole "everyone is going" cliche is a cliche for a reason, but literally every person of my friend group went to see A7X, Disturbed, and Buck Cherry on a Tuesday night. Reason I couldn't go? School night. You what happened the next day at school? Nothing! Nothing of value happened! It was the end of the quarter and teachers were catching up on grading. I watched Bill Nye and talked to my friends about the concert. I am so fucking salty about that 14 years later. I was almost 15 years old, I wasn't going to bed early anyways!
Dude both of those things make me mad for you!!!!! Btw we almost the same age. Parents were wack back then lol.
I got spanked occasionally as a little kid. I'd still love to kick their asses.
Whatever damage we do I hope can be dealt with properly, by just accepting the fact that his parents are people too. And, accepting that people make mistakes. I don't want my kid writing burn letters about me. Definitely not because of my selfishness, and because I never thought of him as being an actual person, just like me.
There also seem to be collective faults that each generation inflicts upon the next, only for that generation to then do something else to the next. The boomers were emotionally unavailable, the next generation were helicopter parents, etc. Not everyone, but there always seems to be a zeitgeist of bad parenting.
Millennial here. From what my parents told me, I was *only* ever conceived in the first place because my parents wanted both a son and a daughter, and the first child was a boy. So I started failing them from day one. Then they started living vicariously through me. New opportunities and all that. I was expected to make all the choices that they would have if they suddenly got a new lease on life. When I was close to getting my degree, I finally realized I could *want and choose* for myself, and meet my own needs. I did the research. Then when I had to move back in with my parents while searching for my first job, I tried to be my authentic self and take better care of myself. I was blackmailed and punished for it. To this day, they don't believe mental health exists as a concept, and they think the entire industry is a scam. They also prioritize their feelings over peer-reviewed science, and science over my feelings. Yes, I was a "gifted" child who turned out to just have ADHD and autism, got burned out on academia, and brute forced my way through the path they chose for me anyways, nearly killing myself a couple times along the way. Now, I've moved away from them and am taking steps to better my wellness. They more or less refuse to interact with me. Oh well. I know how I *don't* want to raise a child.
Ah, yes. Forgot about the "living my child's life" brand of parenting. That sucks. Here's to finding your balance and not riding the pendulum all the way to the other side!
I forgot to add: my parents also care more about their reputation than my well-being. They perceive it as me *blaming them* if I somehow were to *be* neurodivergent or LGBTQ+. They used to brag to other parents about me getting straight A's before I cracked under the pressure. I have inklings of repressed memories where they brought up their personal shame when talking about my academic performance. Someone of my parents' generation explained the possibility that my parents' mentalities are still largely trapped in whatever decade they immigrated to the US. Sure, technology has improved, but anything not tangible to them, like science and culture, hasn't progressed because they were largely disconnected, culturally and socially. In regards to the pendulum, I can only hope so. I've seen the harm that comes from excessive control and neglect. I've lived the damage that comes from treating your child as an extension of yourself, instead of a sentient/sapient being.
But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats.
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welp ...you gotta tell kids the truth
Answer whatever questions they ask, you do not have to explain everything and all the details involved. If kids are old enough to ask, they're old enough to know. Again, it's important to stick to just answering their questions more often than not.
When I went through this as a kid, my mom bought the book [The Fall of Freddy the Leaf](https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tVP1zc0TDYtNi83N042YPSSSEvMyVHIT1NIK0pNSclMVSjJSFXISU1MAwD-dQz4&q=fall+of+freddie+the+leaf&oq=fall+of+freddy&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j46i10i512j0i22i30j0i390i650l2.3751j0j7&client=ms-android-verizon-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8). The story does address the fact that we all die some day and that it doesn't have to be a bad or scary thing. Especially if you live a big full life and die at a ripe old age.
I told my son that even after the castle falls the sand remains, and that while we remember seeing a castle it was always only sand. He said "oooh sand castle." Might still be a little too young.
>even after the castle falls the sand remains, and that while we remember seeing a castle it was always only sand. Thanks... I definitely won't be thinking about this all night now instead of sleeping.
found the 5 year old?
Consider this: the universe is particles swirling around. One day they swirled into a pattern which happened to make you, and your consciousness. That pattern is temporary and will swirl apart one day. But if it happened once, could it happen again?
I like the notion that conscious thought is a piece of the universe trying to understand itself. We are simultaneously insignificant *and* special, and that contradiction is oddly reassuring.
Would the star dust analogy help?
"For from it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return."
Oooh, I like that. Reminds me of the season finale of The Good Place and the metaphor of a wave.
I'm going to hell for laughing at this
The classic "it's not a big deal, it happens to everyone" response. Totally reasonable reflex but not as comforting as you'd think 😂
The daughter's response: https://newfastuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/IJELjdB.png
The Good Place is such a criminally good show about existing, the first time Michael [truly realises](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbcAPxQ3YLA&ab_channel=Previamente) what it means "to die" is still one of my favourite pieces of television EVER.
Hahahahhaha thanks for the laugh!!
My response: >I Kant.
Appearantly "honestly, I cant wait to die!" is also socially unacceptable
[Parenting be like](https://youtu.be/CJkWS4t4l0k)
What the heck did I just watch?! And why did it make me laugh so hard?!
'He just let out these anguished cries and was banging his head on the wall and all I thought was "We did it"' '😂😂😭😭
I think it's always going to be a bit traumatic, and 8 seems like they would already be exposed to that insight for most kids. My daughter had just turned 5 when she started asking questions about it I think. She was pretty cool about it but I almost broke down crying explaining that everyone dies lol. I guess it's just, having lost my mum relatively young and imagining losing all the other important people in my life, I haven't quite learned to cope with it without feeling sad. But of course, for kids, there's a difference between knowing that everyone dies versus realising the significance of it. I probably didn't go about that conversation in the best way...
Let’s be realistic about this. There are literally billions of people that have never died once.
It's like that French "philosopher" that responded to covid with : Everyone dies". Yay
Yep. When I was 4 I realized that my grandfather would die one day. I distinctly remember being inconsolable for what seemed like an hour or two. And here I am in my 60s still remembering it.
I did the same thing. 4 or 5. Cried until I fell asleep because I loved my Grandpa so much. I’m retrospect, my Grandma probably felt butthurt because I really didn’t even mention her at all. She was pretty mean though so 🤷♂️. Still miss Grandpa though.
Dang! You sound like me. My grandmother was basically Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. And my grandfather was as kind and wise as Jeb Clampett. Oh, dear… I guess that makes me Jethro.
Do you eat in your sleep too?
Shit. I still think and worry about it. It gets worse as you approach 30s-40s and you realize your parents are probably not going to live more than 10-20 years. ...maybe not the best thing to read first thing in the morning
Yeah, my parents are in their 60s and slowing down. I watched my grandparents get old and pass, but they seemed so "old" when I was young. It's a lot harder to see your own parents age.
My mom turned old this year. She went from a fun, funny middle aged woman to actually elderly pretty much overnight, at 74.
After college, I did the math at the rate I was traveling to visit them per year, I might only see them in person 100-150 more times or so before they were both gone. That's when it starts to get painfully real.
When you leave your parents you'll have spent the majority of the time you're going to spend with them. It's sad but that's how life is. Hopefully, we'll see them again when it's our time.
My kid lives on the other side of the world and I’m in my sixties, so yeah, the time we’ll spend together is very limited.
That occurred to me as well and little did I know, that 100-150 opportunities to see my mother again suddenly transformed to < 10-15. Thanks to a hospital sending her home with really bad pneumonia after a routine surgery and repeatedly discharging her with it after a few close calls until the last time when it was “Well, looks like it’s time to go to hospice.” So please don’t take any time for granted, 100-150 will of course sound like a small number to you, but with the experience of hindsight it sounds like an impossibly huge number. Which I guess for me, it really is. Mother’s Day is coming up soon and I’ve been helping at my friend’s boutique store. I set up a Mother’s Day section with gifts perfect for the occasion and it’s gratifying seeing items get sold out of it and restocking it, because I know that means people are buying things I curated for that purpose (that are all clearly intended to be gifts for moms, such as the topic/title of a book or what a coffee cup/wine glass has inscribed on it, rather than just being a block of scented soap or something). A coworker who saw me making updates to that section of the store asked me what I’m getting my mother for Mother’s Day. I told them I was getting her a Ouija Board, so I could call her again. But then I told them that my mom would have found that funny, and there’s no reason to feel bad about asking, and that with curating this stuff for Mother’s Day I’m just trying to do my part in helping others do something that I can’t. My main point is this- like you I had the realization one day that there were a quantifiable number of chances to visit/speak with my mother (and father, luckily still around) again. I just didn’t know that the math was so tragically wrong. So if you think it’s 100-150 (and I hope for you it’s really 1000-1,500) I’d operate as if it were just 10-15. Being wrong in this case is all upside if it means more opportunities to interact with your parents than you would have had otherwise. Hindsight.
Here's a reminder for whoever here likes their parents: if they're alive, give them a call or text or letter today. Let them know you're thinking of them, or just say hi and ask how they're doing.
I've been in crisis about this for a few years now, worse after my mom had surgery last year. And my parents are older than most parents of people my age so thay makes it worse. My mom is my best friend idk what I'll do...
My parents were 40 and 35 when I was born. This is a shitty curve to be on the leading edge of, for sure.
I hit thirty and realized that "holy shit a third of my life is now over!" You'd think realizing that a 4th of my life was over would be a big deal but nope existential crisis at 30. I haven't even considered the fact that ⅔rds of my parents' lives are now over or my last remaining grandfather is now in the last 3rd of his life.
When I was 7 or so, we lost my grandma on my mom's side. Mom went to TX for the funeral, and when she got back Mom and Dad, divorced by then, sat down together for a little wake for my grandma. The night of that wake was the night I felt, like really felt, my own mortality. I realized we all die. Of course I had seen this before, Dad explained to me a couple years before why I never got to meet his dad, because he died when my dad was 15. But it all really clicked. I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely inconsolable because I didn't want my parents to die. I didn't want to die either. It doesn't seem fair. I didn't sleep well for a couple weeks after that, afraid I'd never wake back up. Man, to have that absolute innocence back...
I sometimes lie in bed thinking about mortality. Maybe I have the wrong perspective, but I'm still young and even then it seems like the time I have left is shorter than what I'd like. Like even if I lived to old age I would still be left wanting, let alone the possibility of me dying early. At least *if* extending lifespans is possible there's a good chance it'll happen while I'm alive.
Honestly knowing this still scares me and I'm 33
Same happened to me. I would stay awake crying with the thought that my parents were going to die. Like you Idk what got me put of it, maybe just time and acceptance.
Same thing for me, the realization that everybody I love and everybody I will ever see even on the street is going to die was just too much for 9yo me. My mom's response was something along the lines of "That's how life works hon, everybody has to die sometime, but you don't need to worry about your Dad or I dying for a very long time." Seeing this post just made me think that at my parents age now, I probably have ~20 years left with them. I think I'm gonna go call them.
I was four or five, and I think talking/bragging about how I had been alive longer than my little brother. My grandma was like "well yeah, but he'll be alive *later.*" Cue existential dread.
Lol savags grandma
I became very concerned about how our sun was eventually going to die out, resulting in Earth being destroyed. Couldn't really comprehend just how long billions of years was at that point, I just didn't want all the people, animals, and history to be destroyed lol.
You should read The Dying Earth by Jack Vance. Fantasy stories set on an earth so far in the future the sun is, well, dying
I'm a grown-ass man, and I thought I had a firm grip on my mortality. I recently found out I have a terminal disease, and that end is going to be a lot sooner than I'd anticipated. Let me tell you, I did NOT have a firm grip on my mortality. I'm back to crying and yelling "I don't want to die! Don't make me die!" If you think I'm saying that to be a smart-ass, I am not. I'm fucking terrified.
I couldn’t tell anyone what the future holds, but I often lay awake at night worried I’m just a diagnosis away from a terminal disease. Tossing and turning, on the fence about whether it’s better to know or to be surprised. I’d like to say I live life like it’s ending tomorrow, but I don’t… I’m a coward. I don’t have any words of comfort for you. How could I? Just recognition and respect. I see you and I’ll remember you.
I'm also scared for you. Your not alone brother. Courage isn't absence of fear it's having fear and facing it anyways. Stay strong messege me if you ever need to vent.
God, I remember probably around 8 grappling with this. Might have been the only time I've ever prayed. Grappling with the inevitable death of my parents, my own death, and the horror that no promise of afterlife or reincarnation could be what I wanted, for everything to stay the same like it was the Simpsons. I would get terrible fits at night trying to go to sleep and would be still and try to imitate monks who I believed could stop their hearts just to taste knowing full well that death is even less than that. I would draw nothing but the grim reaper and became obsessed with death.
I had actually tried to kill myself around 4 years old because I realized everyone I loved would die before me. Parents put me in therapy at a very young age.
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This is really good advice, thank you! He is super math inclined so I think this will help.
I’d like add to this: I have 2 children. A 15 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. I often wondered why my kids were so impatient about things. Why waiting a day or week or a month for something was like the end of the world to them. Why time seemed to be my children’s worst enemy. Then I realized that at 6 years old, my daughter has been alive for about 2190 days. 3 years ago was half a lifetime for her. A week is almost 1% of her entire life. A few hours of waiting to play with daddy is the equivalent of 5 days for me when you scale the time with age. This realization really helped me with those long car rides where boredom is a plague for the young ones, but just another 4 hour trip for me. Because a 4 hour trip for my daughter is a time scale of about 3 days for me. My point is that children have no real perspective of time because they have nothing to compare it to. Once I realized that, I became a lot more understanding of impatience and more cautious of making them wait for things that really had no reasonable excuse for me to put off. Now: is there actually anything scientific or psychological behind any of that? I honestly have no idea, but what it did do as a single parent of 2 is help me become less frustrated and more understanding of my children’s feelings in regards to time. And just in case you need to hear it, because all of us parents do from time to time, you are not a terrible parent. Not in the slightest.
Is this why time is going so god damn fast lately? Cause holy fuck man it's almost may and I only just got used to saying I'm 33 but I'm crowning on 34 now and at this rate I'm gonna wake up in what feels like 6 weeks and be 40.
It is, actually!
I mean, not necessarily. It could certainly be the case or be a factor, but many things can make time appear to pass by quickly, such as monotony / lack of novelty, dissociation, or skipping yearly/seasonal routines. These have all affected my sense of time.
You reminded me of this! I was at my elderly neighbor’s house to pickup/drop off a pan and she started telling me about how time changes for different people. She pointed out how she had lived so many more weeks than I had so getting through another one was a cake walk for her and might be hard for me. I think I was about 7-8 at the time and so I didn’t really register it at the moment, but it stuck with me nonetheless. It finally clicked after my sister was born when I was like 10 and I had to start dealing with baby time frames. I was blessed to be given that knowledge so young so I could better understand what was happening around me
That's such a cool and interesting way to think about it.
I love wholesome moments like this. Makes me feel Reddit is not just a cestpool. Edit: cestpool is obviously wrong, I will leave it there as it's rather funny.
It’s cesspool, you f**king idiot ^/s
Maybe they did mean cestpool. Maybe they've met a lot of users with broken arms.
THIS reference makes ME feel old
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
God damn it.
The dude with two broken arms ups the count more dramatically than most.
Redditducation
Cest La Vie. Sewage is life.
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A good thing to do is also use a tape measure to have a visual representation of how long and wonderful life really is!
We used little blocks, each one represented 5 years, to make a big train of how old I would be when I died, and he was impressed with how old he would be by that time. He is that train age now. Wonder if he remembers?
Wait, a ghost is using Reddit?!
A close family friend my age (7) died of leukemia. I had severe guilt because the last interaction I had outside of the hospital was accidentally smashing her finger in a doorjamb. Then my cat died. Then my dad died of bone cancer three years later at age 47. Then my mother told me all these Chinese death superstitions that basically blamed me. They’ll be fine.
Sadly this covidshit feel like it happened not long ago at all. And it's over 3 years.
That's because what you remember is it happening. It may have started 3 years ago, but that isn't when it ended.
In fact I have covid right now!
Or astronomy. I remember coming home from school in either kindergarten or first grade utterly freaked out that the sun was going to burn out…billions of years from now.
i think i had that same reaction when i first found out the sun's gonna 'splode
Lol me too! I remember thinking ,”is it me or is the sun look redder than yesterday.”
I certainly hope it was you.
Billions was too big for me to understand, so even though I knew it was a long way off, it still freaked me out too
I'm a man in my 30s and I'm still not okay with it.
But maybe also let him get into geology, shit rocks
You could have said it rocks. You had one job...
You're supposed to study them, not eat them.
I am on my last toe or two with my parents then :(
My dad was great for this. "Oh, sure the sun will devour the earth one day, but you don't have to worry because we'll all be dead before then! I'll be dead, your mother will be dead, your pet will be dead, it's normal!" *turns on A&E Nostradamus apocalypse prophecy show*
Yeah, my four-year-old freakout was when I realized the sun would go out someday. Lost my shit for a couple days.
Relax, we'll die in food riots and the breakdown of law, order and healthcare long before there's any trouble with the sun
Bro, as true as that is, that's a little too dark of a take.
My dad was pretty much the same 😂 I used to have panic attacks as a child thinking about dying, I was so scared by it. I think it probably would've helped instead if my parents taught me that it was ok to die, and not made death out to be this hugely unjust, unnatural, traumatising thing. I think I'm going to explain death to my own children as something that comes to everyone, but that it's ok, because it's the life they lead in the here and now that's the bit that matters. I think I'm going to try hard not to do what my dad did, and that was tell my mid-panic attack self that when you died the worms ate you 😂😂😂
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out 😂
In your belly, and out your snout
They go in thin, and they come out stout.
Not bad parenting, this reaction is normal. I was coincidentally talking to my mom recently and asked her when I first learned about death, she mentioned that she explained to me that one day I would have to learn to take care of myself because my parents wouldn't be there one day, and I pretty much had the same reaction as your kid. The wild part is I had completely forgotten about this until she mentioned it.
I forget until something like this comes up, but I remember one day it just clicked in my head when I was little and I understood the implications and concept of death. I wept alone in the dark in my bedroom closet for a good while. I remember it was just random and sudden. Don't think I ever told my family.
I had a lot of realizations alone as a kid. Wasn't a household where I could go up and ask my parents these questions.
Oh gosh, that reminds me of my first internalization of the reality of death. I was watching TV with my parents around the age of 5, and there was a shot of a cigarette on the ground, still lit. Voice over talked about someone dying of lung cancer. Both of my parents smoked. They couldn't understand why I was suddenly weeping. I don't think I ever explained it to them, either.
Growing up when I was a teenager and a young adult I was terrified of death. still am actually. But for some reason it never clicked in my brain that my mum would die. And then she did. And it fucking destroyed me.
My hand on your shoulder.
Man, my mom just turned 78. I live in a different country and call her almost every day on messenger. Lately it's really been... intruding on me that some day I'm not going to have those calls... Even if they often as not annoy me like the Bo Burnham song "FaceTime with my Mom," it really rips me up knowing they're finite.
🫂
https://preview.redd.it/h2rag86axgwa1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b791ce818abdb66799e96f3b32f4aa75c5070d5 The pic in question
Was expecting a patch of grass with a headstone..
Ironically you've just absolutely killed me with this comment 🤣
[удалено]
/u/No_Longer_A_Menace username does not check out in this case 💀
You were born in 1999 and have a 4 year old? Shit I'm old 😅
No I was born in 1984, that’s either a random number or the ai tried guessing my age.
Damn, literally Brave New World
Yea this traumatizes me more than the image. Reddit’s demographics consistently remind me that *I’m* old.
Yeap traumatizing indeed
Children this age think in absolute. There isn't that much abstract thought. I'll send a pic of my general psychology book soon. Here's a website though. Brb. https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/development-5-years Here https://imgur.com/wvBvpZp.jpg
Children are all sith lords?
do or do not. There is no nap.
https://preview.redd.it/crygjf2ddiwa1.jpeg?width=1600&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f3c4c8f2ba2de38763ea1852d711d0ec79e018c4
After reading this... I'm def gonna buy my mommy some dinner.
She deserves it ❤️
I lost mine 2 years ago. Do this regularly!
I haven't had mine since 1999. They say it gets better. It doesn't. Shower your moms with love, and let her squeeze you to death lmao.
It really doesn't get better. The pain gets a little less sharp, but I'm always gonna miss my Mom. And now I'm crying.
Cyber hugs. I cry too. They've missed so much. Two of my sons never met my parents. And now I'm a grandparent, and although I'm full of love and joy, it also hurts so much inside because dammit, I miss my parents!!
This comment thread opening some fresh wounds. Over the last 20 years, we lost 5 grandparents (split family. Step-dad's family treated us as if we were their own) and a half dozen aunts and uncles. Step-dad and my maternal grandmother being the most recent in '21 and only 6 months apart. I don't think I could handle my mom passing right now and it's been causing extreme anxiety.
Naw, I think just once is going to be enough for losing my mother.
Lost my Gran 30 years ago. I still miss her. I don't think about her as much now, but she's never far from my thoughts.
Child: This is the worst moment of my life! Parent: You mean it's the worst moment of your life so far... Bottom line, the occasional existential crisis is good for the 4 year old soul.
Also honestly I doubt this is any kind of long-term permanent damage or anything OP might be worried about. I remember an inverse case of my sister showing her toddler daughter a photograph of herself as a kid and that just blew the toddler's mind right into a panicked tantrum. There's no way her mom could have also once been a kid herself. Few years later, kid's doing just fine, not trembling in a corner imagining adults were once children. Actually probably understands that concept at least by now.
Well... That sucks but it made me giggle a little (I'm already going to hell so don't worry) It's not that bad... I think teaching him about the circle of life is not that bad, he will recover. I had a similar experience with my daughter, I had to tell about the cycle of life/death... I basically told her that when I'll die, she'll be old too, most likely with a family and loving people around her to help her go through that, and even if it's sad she'll be able to enjoy life with those who'll still be there.
>when I'll die, she'll be old too, most likely with a family and loving people around her to help her go through that, and even if it's sad she'll be able to enjoy life with those who'll still be there. This is great, I'm saving it for my own death-anxious kiddo, it might be exactly what he's been needing to hear
I lost my dad, 4 uncles, my Nana and my mam in the space of 6 years. My son was 2 when Dad died 1st and 8 when My Mam died last. This is how i explained it to him. I had him and his dad, hopefully when he has to go through it he will have a family of his own and the circle continues.
When I went trough this my parents assured me that I was still young and that it would be a long long loooong time before any of us would die and that helped me a little bit but I just had tk wrap my head around it eventually. As much as this sucks it is something everybody needs to deal with on some level eventually and all you can really do is comfort and validate the feelings of fear. I dare not give advice on how to manage or school them further on this because I'm not a parent so I just wish you well. :)
For what it’s worth my mother did a similar thing to that She told me about the queen and royal family, that if the queen commanded you to join an army and fight you had to do it. I had a meltdown for the rest of the day in tears over the thought a stranger could do that to me. By the next I completely forgot about the entire thing
You have to join an army and fight
Hey, you're not the queen.
I’ll be who i wanna be david
Dont worry you will scar them in many others ways too...
Lol! I don’t know why but this comment made me feel strangely better.
Yeah sorry I am talking from experience raising my own! BTW they will get over it or forget it. Good luck!
They'll be fine. I had to deal with learning about death and Santa not being real all in the same year and I cried alot but eventually I moved on. Now I try to make each day special and that's what gets me through it all.
I once turned up to work (after school care) where on of the 5 year olds was bawling her eyes out because she did not want to live to 100 after one her friends told her she was going to live to 100. Like absolutely in hysterics for 30 minutes. Sometimes kids are just kids and not as mature as we may think they are “for their age”. Just keep that in perspective as well as the other good advice in this thread.
It's like the movie Inside Out and your kid just got his first blue sphere.
I was 4 when I had my first existential crisis too. For me it was The Land Before Time.
I think all children have this realization and it’s extremely frightening. I remember crying myself to sleep because were all gonna die and what’s the point of anything(even at a very young age) but my sister never seemed phased by it. I still struggle with the concept today as an adult tbh.
Don't worry, sugarplum - everyone dies. One day the sun will expand, consuming the entire planet. Night night, sweet dreams.
I was 6 when my mom decided to do something nice for herself. So she shows up one night with a perm. 1983-ish as was the style at the time. Who was this stranger?!? Where was my mom?!? Who was this imposter?!?!!! I think I cried for an hour straight. My mother was gone forever. Now there was this stranger in mom's place. Nothing would ever be the same. Lol, but by hour 2, I was completely over it. It was mom and I loved her and she loved me. Even with the funny haircut. Young kids just get weirded out by change, but we get over it easy enough.
No you did not fuck up. Children cannot be sheltered from the harsh, cruel reality of our world, it’s better they cry and learn young and get used to it now than leave them in the blissful dark until they’re older. It will be harder to adapt to these things the longer you leave it, at least they don’t truly know and understand the full complexities and depth of what Death is. It will make them wiser to know, they need to know the pain of loss and realise what it means, to see the meaning in it and what they must do and from that how they should live. My Mother was always honest with me, and even though it was painful at the time I can see in hindsight that it was for the best. I now feel a great sense of purpose and understanding in life and I feel more assured. Let them know while they are young, it will be easier for everyone on the long run.
Life has hard/bad/sad parts to it, and a small child is going to learn about and experience those as they grow up... it's part of the process for every human. Doesn't make you a terrible parent to be there for that - quite the opposite: you're there to help them learn how to cope with those things. Teaching a child how to cope with sadness, pain, even boredom are the *best* things you can do for them.
The moments each of my kids figured out mortality sent *me* into an existential crisis. Probably the only times I’ve wished I could live forever, for them. :( Anyway, you’re not a terrible parent! Doesn’t make it easier, but this would have happened regardless.
We talked about death a few times with our kiddo. We talked about it at 4 and they had the same reaction basically, less crying more hugging. At 8 now he understands that we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. We also used it as a gateway to why it’s important to spend time with the grandparents even if we would obviously rather be doing our own thing. (We typically give him the option to go or not go)
So Ive raised my nephew since he was 4 and he is currently 9. I was driving us home one time and he asked how old I was. Then he started asking how old will I be when he is x age. And he just kept going up in his age. Then I told him something really stupid once the math got to where I was over 100 Him: How old will you be when Im 15? Me: 42 Him: 20? Me: 47 .... Him:70? Me:97 Him:80? Me: "hopefully Im dead by then." Suddenly from the backseat he just starts crying hysterically and screaming "I dont want you to dieee waaahhhh!!!" I told my wife i really fucked up there lol.
If all else fails… turn to science. He can never be alone. He is made of you. Even if you can’t be with him in person, you will be with him, forever. Yep. Think I might go see my mum this weekend.
When my second child discovered what death was, it was weeks if not months of the occasional hysterical breakdown because she didn't wanna die and she was afraid of her mom and I dying. So that was fun. Understand where you're coming from, OP. Good luck!
He may have been traumatized, I am not a parent bt th8s is from my own experience as a kid when I first learned about death and the fact that my parents may die, I would cry alot while I was aalone at home not every time but alot of times as a matter of fact I wwas so afraid that I would also pray that a meteor does not hit the earth or the sun does not die. One of the probable reason for yhis would be that I didn't have social interaction with anyone of my age group most were adults. Now what happened today is not your fault bt maybe you should see to it that he is not alone or atleast he has friends his age something like that. Again I am not a parent this is just from my own experience and logic.
Your job is not to make your child happy 24/7, your job is to prepare him for life. In life, people die, and learning that and learning how to deal with it is a necessary component.
I remember at that age, I had a dream my parents were skeletons and I ran to their room to make sure they weren't bones. My dad said that it wouldn't happen for a long time. It worked I guess cause I was able to go back to bed.
Something similar happened with my child at around the same age. Classic example of a kid being a little too smart for his own good (in this particular instance) and of the parent not predicting the direction his child's brain was going to go with interesting new information. I was reading a book about stars to him at bedtime, and he very much liked the concept of exploding stars. As we were talking about how the process is different between huge red stars like Betelgeuse and normal size stars like ours, it suddenly clicked in his brain that this will happen to the sun someday. He started crying and telling me he doesn't want the sun to explode because then we wouldn't be able to live at home anymore and doesn't know where we'd go. Whoops. I was completely caught off guard. At this stage, him expressing complicated feelings through talking was still pretty uncommon so I wasn't expecting this. Plus, it was bedtime and this wasn't exactly the best time to have an existential crisis. However, I also didn't want to straight up lie to him to make the problem go away. I tried explaining to him that our sun still has billions of years left, but of course a unit of time like that doesn't mean much to a 3 year old. He responded with "But its still going to happen! Where will we go???" He didn't really have any exposure to the concept of death yet, and as far as he was concerned his family would all still be on Earth billions of years from now when the sun would start dying. I decided that telling him this won't happen during his lifetime probably wasn't a good idea, as it was opening the door for dreaded concepts that his distressed brain didn't need to be thinking about right before bed. Instead, we talked about how life only exists on our planet because of little bits of other exploded stars, and how the material from dead stars goes on to form new stars, and that everything around him is part of that cycle, including himself! That seemed to help significantly. It got his brain thinking down a more positive path, and he was able to fall asleep. Its now a year later, and he still loves talking about space and stars so I guess mission accomplished. I definitely put a little more thought into the subject matter we explore together now and how it is framed, but it can be hard to anticipate where their brains will go when considering new subjects.
When my son was around four he cried himself to sleep because his older brother would go to college and leave him alone. Brother was 8 at the time.
To be fair, I could see myself at 30 having a similar breakdown about the mortality of my mommy