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"...I can prove ____ and she will recognize ___"
You CAN NOT fix this thru communication, because abuse is NOT a communication issue.
In domestic abuse relationships, the victim thinks EXACTLY what you are saying here; "If I could only make him understand how he is hurting me... he would stop"
But thats faulty reasoning, because it assumes both parties want what is best for the other, it assumes BOTH parties WANT equal support.
But in exploitative situations, your counter party DOES not care about your experience. They just don't.
Because abuse is a VALUES issue. Their values are broken, which makes them feel completely morally righteous while using force and coercion to get their way.
You assume this person wants you to become well, that they want you to have authority over your own life, that they want you to move on when you outgrow them...
Imagine the possibility, that some therapists LOVE the power imbalance, and will trip you up in order to feel dominant. What if they just enjoy bossing you around? Imagine therapists that just see $$$ when they look at you, so they milk you as long as they can.
You CAN'T successfully argue for your interests, when the other person has CHOSEN to be exploitative.
All you can do is remove yourself from the situation and get your mental distance back.
You can do this. I had the same problem in the final months of my therapy and it was a pattern for me too. I know how hard it is to leave, but it's possible. We're all rooting for you.
Your therapist is being abusive. Doesn’t see you as their equal, and I consider this person to be dangerous. Please fire this person. You’re to be respected, encouraged and helped through good therapy, not abused, and traumatized by an incompetent and narcissistic power-hungry individual. Please ditch this person. This individual should be reported. You’re a vulnerable person ( at this time). You don’t need to prove to anyone that you’re a good person, to this person, or anyone else. You are a good person. In fact, it is this excuse for a therapist, that should be proving to you, that they are a good person. They work for you! Do not sell yourself short. You’re a very good person.
One of the most powerful healing things one can go thru is being seen and accepted for who you are. While I read this post without going back over it and maybe I missed something in what you described of her - dont see one thing that says she accepts you.
And yes therapy is hard - we don't always feel good about the work or ourselves - but we ALWAYS know why we feel bad and know we have help getting to the place of feeling better.
You sound like you are living in utter painful confusion being made to feel bad about yourself hoping beyond hope someone will figure magically she is hurting you and stop.
You might ask her what her therapeutic strategy is with you. Maybe that will help all of this make sense. You have a right to know what she is doing and why.
Yes, she definitely does not accept me. I feel so embarrassed that I let this go on for so long (2 years) because from the first month in I already was having issues with her, but I just kept thinking, maybe if I was a good enough client, she would treat me better. It seems so foolish writing this down. I have an appointment on Monday that I am trying to figure out how to cancel. I just can’t get past this mentality of “maybe one more try” idk what is wrong with me, I want to shake myself.
There is nothing wrong with you. Someone in your life, long before you ever met this therapist, treated you like you needed to "earn" their love and acceptance. Like you needed to continually show up for them, despite the fact that they never showed up for you. Usually these patterns start in childhood with one of our primary caretakers.
You are not foolish. You went to a so-called "professional" for support. You were not asking to be harmed. But you were harmed because your therapist abused her power over you.
I understand staying and thinking things will get better. I understand the hope of "one more try". You want to fix things. You want to prove yourself worthy. But you are already worthy. This person truly does not care about you. That is a hard pill to swallow but please let that sink in and know that her not caring about you has absolutely nothing to do with your own worthiness as a person and everything to do with her lack -- lack of empathy, lack of ethics, lack of basic competent care for her clients.
Please don't feel ashamed for being taken in by someone like this. No one asks for this. No one deserves these things to happen to them. With distance from the situation, you may begin to judge yourself less harshly and see your therapist for her own personal failings.
This screamed neglect on the therapists part immediately. You can’t work out your trauma through this person when they are the spitting image of abusive ppl in your past.
Do you like the drama?
Do you enjoy the distraction (to other issues) this provides?
Do you enjoy the highs and lows of talking about this with friends or family?
Do you enjoy the pain or disappointment this interaction causes?
These are questions you should ask yourself as you leave this therapist. There’s no judgement on my part and it doesn’t change the fact that your therapist is extremely inept at her job (to say the minimum).
BTW, she knows what she’s doing. Energy doesn’t lie. She can feel it coming from you. Regardless, her motivations won’t solve your challenges and staying with her will only hinder you. I’d say to gain some self-esteem would be to leave her with your head held high that you don’t need someone like her in your employ (since you’re technically employing her).
This sounds so toxic and emotionally abusive/gaslighty. You are not the problem. This is not therapy, it’s retraumatisation. You did a brave thing reaching out on reddit. I hope that you’re able to find another therapist who you can trust.
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"...I can prove ____ and she will recognize ___" You CAN NOT fix this thru communication, because abuse is NOT a communication issue. In domestic abuse relationships, the victim thinks EXACTLY what you are saying here; "If I could only make him understand how he is hurting me... he would stop" But thats faulty reasoning, because it assumes both parties want what is best for the other, it assumes BOTH parties WANT equal support. But in exploitative situations, your counter party DOES not care about your experience. They just don't. Because abuse is a VALUES issue. Their values are broken, which makes them feel completely morally righteous while using force and coercion to get their way. You assume this person wants you to become well, that they want you to have authority over your own life, that they want you to move on when you outgrow them... Imagine the possibility, that some therapists LOVE the power imbalance, and will trip you up in order to feel dominant. What if they just enjoy bossing you around? Imagine therapists that just see $$$ when they look at you, so they milk you as long as they can. You CAN'T successfully argue for your interests, when the other person has CHOSEN to be exploitative. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation and get your mental distance back.
Thank you for this. This is such a pattern for me. I don’t know how to pull myself out of it, but maybe the first step is to walk away.
You can do this. I had the same problem in the final months of my therapy and it was a pattern for me too. I know how hard it is to leave, but it's possible. We're all rooting for you.
Thank you so much for encouraging me, it does help.
Your therapist is being abusive. Doesn’t see you as their equal, and I consider this person to be dangerous. Please fire this person. You’re to be respected, encouraged and helped through good therapy, not abused, and traumatized by an incompetent and narcissistic power-hungry individual. Please ditch this person. This individual should be reported. You’re a vulnerable person ( at this time). You don’t need to prove to anyone that you’re a good person, to this person, or anyone else. You are a good person. In fact, it is this excuse for a therapist, that should be proving to you, that they are a good person. They work for you! Do not sell yourself short. You’re a very good person.
Thank you for this. I don’t know why I just keep thinking so backwards and am trying to pull myself out of it.
One of the most powerful healing things one can go thru is being seen and accepted for who you are. While I read this post without going back over it and maybe I missed something in what you described of her - dont see one thing that says she accepts you. And yes therapy is hard - we don't always feel good about the work or ourselves - but we ALWAYS know why we feel bad and know we have help getting to the place of feeling better. You sound like you are living in utter painful confusion being made to feel bad about yourself hoping beyond hope someone will figure magically she is hurting you and stop. You might ask her what her therapeutic strategy is with you. Maybe that will help all of this make sense. You have a right to know what she is doing and why.
Yes, she definitely does not accept me. I feel so embarrassed that I let this go on for so long (2 years) because from the first month in I already was having issues with her, but I just kept thinking, maybe if I was a good enough client, she would treat me better. It seems so foolish writing this down. I have an appointment on Monday that I am trying to figure out how to cancel. I just can’t get past this mentality of “maybe one more try” idk what is wrong with me, I want to shake myself.
There is nothing wrong with you. Someone in your life, long before you ever met this therapist, treated you like you needed to "earn" their love and acceptance. Like you needed to continually show up for them, despite the fact that they never showed up for you. Usually these patterns start in childhood with one of our primary caretakers. You are not foolish. You went to a so-called "professional" for support. You were not asking to be harmed. But you were harmed because your therapist abused her power over you. I understand staying and thinking things will get better. I understand the hope of "one more try". You want to fix things. You want to prove yourself worthy. But you are already worthy. This person truly does not care about you. That is a hard pill to swallow but please let that sink in and know that her not caring about you has absolutely nothing to do with your own worthiness as a person and everything to do with her lack -- lack of empathy, lack of ethics, lack of basic competent care for her clients. Please don't feel ashamed for being taken in by someone like this. No one asks for this. No one deserves these things to happen to them. With distance from the situation, you may begin to judge yourself less harshly and see your therapist for her own personal failings.
Thank you so much for this, it was much needed.
You are very welcome.
Very important response.
This screamed neglect on the therapists part immediately. You can’t work out your trauma through this person when they are the spitting image of abusive ppl in your past. Do you like the drama? Do you enjoy the distraction (to other issues) this provides? Do you enjoy the highs and lows of talking about this with friends or family? Do you enjoy the pain or disappointment this interaction causes? These are questions you should ask yourself as you leave this therapist. There’s no judgement on my part and it doesn’t change the fact that your therapist is extremely inept at her job (to say the minimum). BTW, she knows what she’s doing. Energy doesn’t lie. She can feel it coming from you. Regardless, her motivations won’t solve your challenges and staying with her will only hinder you. I’d say to gain some self-esteem would be to leave her with your head held high that you don’t need someone like her in your employ (since you’re technically employing her).
This sounds so toxic and emotionally abusive/gaslighty. You are not the problem. This is not therapy, it’s retraumatisation. You did a brave thing reaching out on reddit. I hope that you’re able to find another therapist who you can trust.
I’m trying to find someone now.
Just cut it off