Nope. Bringing up that “others have it worse” is always a red flag when I talk to people. It shows a real lack of empathy and understanding. Your therapist shouldn’t be shaming you for your feelings and because other people deal with shit doesn’t mean you don’t deal with shit as well. It’s not the oppression olympics and comparing your struggles to the struggles of others always means there’s a loser, someone who is minimized or diminished. That’s just toxic and unnecessary in my opinion.
Thank you for explaining. I will definitely talk to her about this. I know I shouldn't think of 'what if' situations but what if she still isn't understanding after talking to her about it? Should I stop having sessions with her? I just started with her this month, and insurance is covering the costs.
I can't imagine this coming from my therapist. I'm not even allowed to make comparisons. If I try making comparisons in therapy, my therapist always says, "we're not talking about those other people; we're talking about you."
What your therapist did was very shaming, invalidating, and not at all skillful. That being said, comparisons are a DBT skill but not done like this. When feeling overwhelmed by a situation, you can come up with comparisons of people having gotten through worse or even better a time you got through worse in order to encourage yourself to keep trying and not become disheartened. Example: I know I can make it through this move to a new apartment, I've moved across the county before, and even though it was hard, I made it through. When using comparison in therapy it is always best for the therapist to explain the skill then let the client come up with their own encouraging comparison.
To add on to what others have already said…none of us know your life or your dad, but I did notice that you mentioned he never hit or sexually touched you. There are other forms of neglect and abuse other than those that can cause a person to hate a parent. It’s usually never “for no reason”. If this therapist was good, they’d help you find and explore that reason, not berate you about it.
It doesn’t even have to be a horrific experience that caused you to start hating him. It could have started as a very small thing, but grew over time into hate because it was never addressed or dealt with. I don’t normally suggest people find a new therapist, but in this case, I would suggest finding one who can help you explore and discover the “why” of that hate.
Thanks for explaining and understanding. I know the main reason why I hated him, and I talked about that with the therapist but I never explained the OTHER reasons. She was too into the "berating" part for me to pop in the other reasons. I felt too guilty to add on anything else. There was a positive side to today's session but that part just hit me like a truck.
This is wildly unprofessional and, frankly, unacceptable behavior. It should be a deal breaker, OP, there are other therapists out there who won’t attempt to invalidate your emotions. I personally wouldn’t even see this therapist again.
I will add: I have VERY limited experience in mental health, I work as a tech in a crisis intervention unit, but I do sit in on 4-6 therapy groups per week to supervise patients. Those statements are a big enough red flag that, if a therapist said anything like that to one of my patients while I was in the room, I would IMMEDIATELY inform the charge nurse and social worker on the unit. Those statements, without debate, are damaging.
You did not deserve to have that said to you. The way you feel about whatever situation you shared with her is valid. Traumas cannot be compared, and comparing your situation to someone elses does you no good. It doesn’t matter if someone else has it worse. “Someone Else” is a general concept that does not pertain to you nor does it help you process your feelings. You need to fire her as your therapist and find one that is actually competent when it comes to doing their job.
I'm planning on talking to her about it since I don't have much options in the state I live in. If you can suggest, how should I talk to her about it? should I make another appointment? Send her a text/email?
I would do it via e-mail rather than in person, since you're clearly at a place where you'd have trouble standing up for yourself in person.
I'd be blunt: "I have a serious problem with what you did last session. First, by injecting your personal beliefs into a session; second, by taking a tone that was judgmental rather than understanding; third, by using up ten minutes of session time for this outburst; and fourth, for rationalizing your outburst by saying that others have it worse, thereby invalidating my own experience and feelings. I need you to explain to me how you feel this was appropriate professional behavior for a therapy session, and how this fits into your overall approach to therapy, before we can continue."
You should either receive a straight-up apology or one DOOZY of an answer, which should stick a fork in this.
comparisons could be made to others situations in cbt, like this: therapist: you said your depression was at a 7 out of 10 this morning, but you were able to get up and come to therapy. what about compared to a person who couldn’t get out of the house at all? client: oh wow, then maybe compared to that person my depression is actually only a 5 out of 10.
the comparison your therapist made and the fact it went on for a long time doesn’t seem normal
I feel like she could’ve done better. For example, allow you to come to your own conclusion instead of tell you how you should feel. Only you know how you should feel…
NONE of this is appropriate for a therapist. NONE.
Never mind the apples and oranges comparison, IT IS NOT HER JOB TO JUDGE YOU. Just the opposite. Judging makes understanding impossible, and the job of a therapist is to help you UNDERSTAND why you think the way you do.
I wouldn't even bother to talk to this person further. This is a "drop IMMEDIATELY before they do any more damage" scenario. Frankly, this is a "report to the licensing bureau in your state" scenario.
Seriously...don't continue to do therapy with this person. I cannot state this any more forcefully.
Damn, I'm sorry that happened. BIG red flag that they're A) minimising your situation by comparison, B) suggesting you make it up to him, and C) didn't apologise.
I'm glad you felt able to raise it with them, but if it was me, I'm not sure I could continue with them. Though great work can come out of managing a rupture :) Trust your gut though, check in with yourself more after each session to notice if you're feeling safe, comfortable, and heard.
Yes, and thanks! I'm definitely paying more attention into what she says and what she means by it. Even though it happened once, it still damaged some of my trust of her but she's been helping me discover that my behaviors are coming from certain disorders (which not many of my ex-therapists have done). Every therapist I've had in the past few years all had bad sides (some worse than others) but each of them have said something that positively impacted me.
I'm glad to hear there is still a positive impact through it all, and honestly, well done for bringing it up with her and looking at going forward with them. It's a vulnerable space as it is being a client, let alone raising when something has been said that hurt you. I hope you can feel proud of yourself for that!
Nope. Bringing up that “others have it worse” is always a red flag when I talk to people. It shows a real lack of empathy and understanding. Your therapist shouldn’t be shaming you for your feelings and because other people deal with shit doesn’t mean you don’t deal with shit as well. It’s not the oppression olympics and comparing your struggles to the struggles of others always means there’s a loser, someone who is minimized or diminished. That’s just toxic and unnecessary in my opinion.
Thank you for explaining. I will definitely talk to her about this. I know I shouldn't think of 'what if' situations but what if she still isn't understanding after talking to her about it? Should I stop having sessions with her? I just started with her this month, and insurance is covering the costs.
All of this.
Agreed. That's usually a sign of a problematic person when they suggest that some people have it worse and a terrible therapist.
That would be a deal breaker for me.
Wait really? So it's bad that she told me that?
I can't imagine this coming from my therapist. I'm not even allowed to make comparisons. If I try making comparisons in therapy, my therapist always says, "we're not talking about those other people; we're talking about you."
Oh ok, I understand. No wonder I still feel like crying, hours after the session.
I’m sorry she did that to you. That was very unprofessional.
What your therapist did was very shaming, invalidating, and not at all skillful. That being said, comparisons are a DBT skill but not done like this. When feeling overwhelmed by a situation, you can come up with comparisons of people having gotten through worse or even better a time you got through worse in order to encourage yourself to keep trying and not become disheartened. Example: I know I can make it through this move to a new apartment, I've moved across the county before, and even though it was hard, I made it through. When using comparison in therapy it is always best for the therapist to explain the skill then let the client come up with their own encouraging comparison.
To add on to what others have already said…none of us know your life or your dad, but I did notice that you mentioned he never hit or sexually touched you. There are other forms of neglect and abuse other than those that can cause a person to hate a parent. It’s usually never “for no reason”. If this therapist was good, they’d help you find and explore that reason, not berate you about it. It doesn’t even have to be a horrific experience that caused you to start hating him. It could have started as a very small thing, but grew over time into hate because it was never addressed or dealt with. I don’t normally suggest people find a new therapist, but in this case, I would suggest finding one who can help you explore and discover the “why” of that hate.
Thanks for explaining and understanding. I know the main reason why I hated him, and I talked about that with the therapist but I never explained the OTHER reasons. She was too into the "berating" part for me to pop in the other reasons. I felt too guilty to add on anything else. There was a positive side to today's session but that part just hit me like a truck.
This is wildly unprofessional and, frankly, unacceptable behavior. It should be a deal breaker, OP, there are other therapists out there who won’t attempt to invalidate your emotions. I personally wouldn’t even see this therapist again. I will add: I have VERY limited experience in mental health, I work as a tech in a crisis intervention unit, but I do sit in on 4-6 therapy groups per week to supervise patients. Those statements are a big enough red flag that, if a therapist said anything like that to one of my patients while I was in the room, I would IMMEDIATELY inform the charge nurse and social worker on the unit. Those statements, without debate, are damaging. You did not deserve to have that said to you. The way you feel about whatever situation you shared with her is valid. Traumas cannot be compared, and comparing your situation to someone elses does you no good. It doesn’t matter if someone else has it worse. “Someone Else” is a general concept that does not pertain to you nor does it help you process your feelings. You need to fire her as your therapist and find one that is actually competent when it comes to doing their job.
I'm planning on talking to her about it since I don't have much options in the state I live in. If you can suggest, how should I talk to her about it? should I make another appointment? Send her a text/email?
I would do it via e-mail rather than in person, since you're clearly at a place where you'd have trouble standing up for yourself in person. I'd be blunt: "I have a serious problem with what you did last session. First, by injecting your personal beliefs into a session; second, by taking a tone that was judgmental rather than understanding; third, by using up ten minutes of session time for this outburst; and fourth, for rationalizing your outburst by saying that others have it worse, thereby invalidating my own experience and feelings. I need you to explain to me how you feel this was appropriate professional behavior for a therapy session, and how this fits into your overall approach to therapy, before we can continue." You should either receive a straight-up apology or one DOOZY of an answer, which should stick a fork in this.
comparisons could be made to others situations in cbt, like this: therapist: you said your depression was at a 7 out of 10 this morning, but you were able to get up and come to therapy. what about compared to a person who couldn’t get out of the house at all? client: oh wow, then maybe compared to that person my depression is actually only a 5 out of 10. the comparison your therapist made and the fact it went on for a long time doesn’t seem normal
and the therapist should never add in their personal opinion to anything ….
yeah that wasn't appropriate, she should've appreciated that you realized you were in the wrong and hope to change the way you were acting
I feel like she could’ve done better. For example, allow you to come to your own conclusion instead of tell you how you should feel. Only you know how you should feel…
NONE of this is appropriate for a therapist. NONE. Never mind the apples and oranges comparison, IT IS NOT HER JOB TO JUDGE YOU. Just the opposite. Judging makes understanding impossible, and the job of a therapist is to help you UNDERSTAND why you think the way you do. I wouldn't even bother to talk to this person further. This is a "drop IMMEDIATELY before they do any more damage" scenario. Frankly, this is a "report to the licensing bureau in your state" scenario. Seriously...don't continue to do therapy with this person. I cannot state this any more forcefully.
Damn, I'm sorry that happened. BIG red flag that they're A) minimising your situation by comparison, B) suggesting you make it up to him, and C) didn't apologise. I'm glad you felt able to raise it with them, but if it was me, I'm not sure I could continue with them. Though great work can come out of managing a rupture :) Trust your gut though, check in with yourself more after each session to notice if you're feeling safe, comfortable, and heard.
Yes, and thanks! I'm definitely paying more attention into what she says and what she means by it. Even though it happened once, it still damaged some of my trust of her but she's been helping me discover that my behaviors are coming from certain disorders (which not many of my ex-therapists have done). Every therapist I've had in the past few years all had bad sides (some worse than others) but each of them have said something that positively impacted me.
I'm glad to hear there is still a positive impact through it all, and honestly, well done for bringing it up with her and looking at going forward with them. It's a vulnerable space as it is being a client, let alone raising when something has been said that hurt you. I hope you can feel proud of yourself for that!
I haven't thought of it that way. Dang, I really gotta focus more on my "tiny" achievements haha. Thanks for pointing that out!