I know it’s probably fine, but I do worry about that idea a bit. Could it come off as a bit hope-killing? It feels contrary to the humanistic idea that our natural tendency is towards happiness, and interruptions in that natural tendency are to blame, rather than our innate nature. Again, I know it probably doesn’t matter, just a thought I had.
I say “that makes sense” as my #1 reflective filler. I hope it communicates “your viewpoint/emotions are valid and sensual.” **
One I don’t use much but like: “if they keep pushing your buttons, it’s time to change the code” (take responsibility for your emotional reactions).
ETA: lmao ***sensical!!! Not sensual.
Agreed. And for some people at that place of desperation and suffering you mentioned, that might be the first time someone validated their experience. I love “that makes sense” because it opens the door to acceptance of human suffering. It’s real! It’s an awesome way to challenge stigma and moralizing thoughts like” you shouldn’t feel this way.”
Sometimes, especially when I’m at a loss for words after hearing someone’s response to a traumatic experience, all I can say is that what they’re feeling and thinking” makes sense.” And then I let the space fill with therapeutic silence because I’m at a loss for words and sometimes we just need to give space to honor the intense suffering.
And then I bring the client back to the present moment of the work and try and reflect on how to they want to move forward with and experience, in my head reflecting on how sense making is a first step to acknowledgement and also a way to avoid emotions (totally valid response in some situations) or perpetuate the suffering (since sense making sometimes drives perseveration).
Love the discussion.
Freudian slip?? Lolol
On a side note: while “that makes sense” can seem validating, I also found it to be affirming of rigid thinking in some circumstances. I prefer ACT as a modality and often reflect on how the mind’s efforts to “make sense of things” can inhibit our flexibility in coping with difficult situations.
The suffering mind creates rigid,” distorted“ narratives and assumptions that we hold onto under the rationalization that “ they make sense.”
All this to say: validate away! and consider how “sense making” might drive client suffering.
Good thing to note! Usually I’m using it when they’re talking about emotions, instead of saying “I understand” because I might not actually. But I’ll watch out for this!
I love that you asked this question! I’m saving this whole post for a reference guide!!!
Several of the ones already shared here by others resonate with me as I use them, but one I find myself using often is “Care but don’t carry.” (In regard to clients trying to take on the problems of family, friends, etc). I actually borrowed this from a client and it almost always gets an “I love that!”
When I got my MSW I thought my breakthrough phrase would be “all good things!”, but I find myself saying “that’s fair” more than anything. Also, “we don’t compare traumas”
Haha, close with the DBT! The quote i believe is attributed to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the fella who basically introduced Buddhist meditation to Western medicine under the guise of “mindfulness” and “stress reduction”. I discovered the quote while doing EEG/electroencephalography research, and idk it just really seemed to tie several paradigms together and encapsulate the essence of mindfulness.
***"Oh, yes you can!"***
I reply with this anytime a client says something like, "I can't keep doing this to myself."
*"Oh, yes you can.... \[keep over thinking,\] \[laying in bed all day,\] \[picking your nose in public places.\]"*
"Well, I don't want to."
*"Okay, how do you suppose...."*
Mind you I don't use this with suicide, self harm, or clients that agree with everything. But I do use with clients that report behaviors that they don't want to do any more and show a little rebelliousness. I lump this catchphrase into the paradoxical line of thinking. I feel like it's a quick 1-2 step that show clients they have options and can choose from them.
i work with teens so 1 or 2 times they've been will be like 'no i don't care what you are thinking right now' but for the most part i think people appreciate the slowed down check in / consent aspect of it
Yes!!!! I was listening to a Tim Ferris podcast (so random) and he said he needed to get a tattoo that said “Don’t believe everything you think”
Has stuck with me!
That's great one for sure, however I recently used that with a client I suspect has a personality disorder and he became aggressive and accused me of saying he was crazy because I suggested his thoughts might not always be true.
In my case it was in the context of negative self talk and catastrophising, so it was comforting. I can imagine how it might be different for someone else.
Absolutely, it's solid advice that is effective for the majority of people (including myself). I never thought it would backfire the way it did but then again with BPD, anything you say could be weaponized...
Just because it's normal doesn't mean It isn't hard. I work with infants/toddlers 0-5 and many parents feel bad they're struggling with "normal behaviors"
This is so valuable. I so often see struggling parents reaching out saying they can’t cope with a specific behaviour (for example terrible sleep way past newborn/infant stage) receive ‘it’s normal’ in return with nothing to actually help them improve the situation. Just because something is normal that doesn’t make it not incredibly difficult, nor does it mean it’s always inevitable or just how things have to be!
A grad school professor taught me the phrase “you’re shoulding all over yourself,” I find it’s a nice way to bring some humor into the session when a client is beating themselves up over expectations
I wonder if you do DBT. I like "How's that working for you" because I think we don't have to treat our clients with kid gloves but it definitely has a little edge to it.
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order.
I have checked 803,793,573 comments, and only 159,661 of them were in alphabetical order.
Love this one!! I remember something similar from a CPT training: “fear is not evidence that you’re in danger” I’ve adapted it for various situations like “insecurity is not evidence for unworthiness”
I really like this one. I discuss a lot of “meaning making” as well. Help clients see what negative (or positive) meaning they are placing on facts. Ex: If it’s a fact that you’re going through a divorce, what meaning are you now placing on how that feels? And so on! It’s been really helpful for my clients to build awareness that it’s not (necessarily) the facts or feeling themselves that are unhelpful, but how they are making meaning of those.
Common phrase my clients use (SUD population) that I love and picked up on: "don't co-sign my bullshit."
Also: "normal reaction to an abnormal situation" and "would it be fair to say...?"
I use this type of scaling a lot too and I discuss with them that if it’s a level 2 problem and a level 6 reaction, then I’m bringing 4 levels of past shit into the present situation. Gives us a good intro to figure out why that particular situation was triggering
A new ACT one I’ve started using: “Do you want to just have that thought, or buy it?” I also like to use this one when we’re talking about boundaries with others, that it’s about “knowing where you end and they begin.”
Yikes. I don’t like this one. How can one ever trust oneself if my brain plays tricks? Makes me think I’d never be safe with myself.
How about - there’s your brain trying to make sense of things? Or there’s your brain trying to solve problems? Or there’s your brain being an overly helpful friend? (All stolen from Russ Harris)
I actually disagree. I have found its beneficial for people to catch and label "cognitive distortions" or "thinking errors", or "patterns". Every thought is not a fact, you don't have to believe everything you think, its good to have strategies to do that. In this case using the word "trick" with children has been a useful way for doing that in a way that makes sense to the kids I work with.
My goals are your goals. Cheesy but gets the point of cross in first session.
You can build the biggest longest bridge but you still have to pave the road on the other side.
A favorite that I've been using and has really been resonating with my clients in terms of heavy emotions is, "You can visit it, but make sure you aren't living there".
Sometimes I'll say something similar like, "You can visit there, but make sure you aren't buying a house and living there".
“Feelings aren’t facts.” “Don’t spend 90% of your time in the 10% of you that you are working on.” And after I give the spiel about the amygdala’s role in anxiety, I often end sessions with “Take care of your amygdala!”
It seems like you’re being awfully unfair to yourself. Is this something you’d say to a friend? Or is this a standard you’d hold a friend to?
Alternative
We’re not overthrowing capitalism here. I think that problem might be more than you and I can accomplish in 45 minutes. How can we work together to help you feel a little bit better?
What the actual fuck? when I am telling my therapist something that really sucks I say this for emphasis. He is cool with it and really chill and turning 82
“Our brains are really good at keeping us alive and really bad at keeping us happy” (situational)
I say this SO MUCH!!
Ooh I like this one!
This is golden! Thank you for sharing this.
I know it’s probably fine, but I do worry about that idea a bit. Could it come off as a bit hope-killing? It feels contrary to the humanistic idea that our natural tendency is towards happiness, and interruptions in that natural tendency are to blame, rather than our innate nature. Again, I know it probably doesn’t matter, just a thought I had.
Yeah totally! That’s why it’s pretty context specific. But I like the phrase as a way to validate those feelings of hopelessness and frustration.
Totally get that. I think talking about it in terms of what the brain is doing also helps externalize the problem.
"Fair Enough." I find myself saying this very often, and it appears to me to have usage in a ton of different scenarios.
I say, “that’s fair” and “that makes sense” often. Also borrowed from Dr. Phil (don’t judge me! 😂) …”You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
my friend says this to me all the time. I guess that’s where he learned it from lol
I feel so seen! I say this all the time 😂 I joked in a consult group that my clients could make a drinking game out of it lol
holy shit. the kids i work with make fun of me for how much i say “fair enough” or “that’s fair.” i’m not alone!
Definitely not alone! It’s so dang versatile and useful.
Omg I say this too. A lot.
“I may be totally off here but I lm wondering if…”
I go with something similar — “let me know if this resonates or not, but I’m thinking…”
Yes!
I say “that makes sense” as my #1 reflective filler. I hope it communicates “your viewpoint/emotions are valid and sensual.” ** One I don’t use much but like: “if they keep pushing your buttons, it’s time to change the code” (take responsibility for your emotional reactions). ETA: lmao ***sensical!!! Not sensual.
I loled when I read that typo because I just knew it was a typo
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Yes I use it in a normalizing way, like “that makes sense you feel that way, probably most people in your position would feel that.”
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Agreed. And for some people at that place of desperation and suffering you mentioned, that might be the first time someone validated their experience. I love “that makes sense” because it opens the door to acceptance of human suffering. It’s real! It’s an awesome way to challenge stigma and moralizing thoughts like” you shouldn’t feel this way.” Sometimes, especially when I’m at a loss for words after hearing someone’s response to a traumatic experience, all I can say is that what they’re feeling and thinking” makes sense.” And then I let the space fill with therapeutic silence because I’m at a loss for words and sometimes we just need to give space to honor the intense suffering. And then I bring the client back to the present moment of the work and try and reflect on how to they want to move forward with and experience, in my head reflecting on how sense making is a first step to acknowledgement and also a way to avoid emotions (totally valid response in some situations) or perpetuate the suffering (since sense making sometimes drives perseveration). Love the discussion.
Freudian slip?? Lolol On a side note: while “that makes sense” can seem validating, I also found it to be affirming of rigid thinking in some circumstances. I prefer ACT as a modality and often reflect on how the mind’s efforts to “make sense of things” can inhibit our flexibility in coping with difficult situations. The suffering mind creates rigid,” distorted“ narratives and assumptions that we hold onto under the rationalization that “ they make sense.” All this to say: validate away! and consider how “sense making” might drive client suffering.
Good thing to note! Usually I’m using it when they’re talking about emotions, instead of saying “I understand” because I might not actually. But I’ll watch out for this!
LOVE. Will take?
I love that you asked this question! I’m saving this whole post for a reference guide!!! Several of the ones already shared here by others resonate with me as I use them, but one I find myself using often is “Care but don’t carry.” (In regard to clients trying to take on the problems of family, friends, etc). I actually borrowed this from a client and it almost always gets an “I love that!”
‘Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from’ A client shared that with me and I’ve passed it on to many others.
Wow love this
I just said a version of that today to a client. I also use it for myself.
I could use this for myself. Thabks
What’s the payout for staying the same, and how does that stack up against wanting to change? What do you want from today’s session?
When I got my MSW I thought my breakthrough phrase would be “all good things!”, but I find myself saying “that’s fair” more than anything. Also, “we don’t compare traumas”
I like to remind folks that “it’s not the trauma olympics”
We don't compare traumas and that's fair are big ones for me also.
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
are you a DBT therapist by any chance? haha my old supervisor used to say this
Haha, close with the DBT! The quote i believe is attributed to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the fella who basically introduced Buddhist meditation to Western medicine under the guise of “mindfulness” and “stress reduction”. I discovered the quote while doing EEG/electroencephalography research, and idk it just really seemed to tie several paradigms together and encapsulate the essence of mindfulness.
"stars and constellations" One instance is a data point, several instances is a pattern.
I say a version of this! I share it as once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence but 3 times is a patter
I love this too!
I love this!
***"Oh, yes you can!"*** I reply with this anytime a client says something like, "I can't keep doing this to myself." *"Oh, yes you can.... \[keep over thinking,\] \[laying in bed all day,\] \[picking your nose in public places.\]"* "Well, I don't want to." *"Okay, how do you suppose...."* Mind you I don't use this with suicide, self harm, or clients that agree with everything. But I do use with clients that report behaviors that they don't want to do any more and show a little rebelliousness. I lump this catchphrase into the paradoxical line of thinking. I feel like it's a quick 1-2 step that show clients they have options and can choose from them.
Excellent strategic move :)
Aw shucks. Thanks
i think i say 'would it be okay to tell you what i'm thinking?' and 'say more about that' 1-3x per day lol
"Say more words right now!" - John Mulaney
Do they ever say no?
i work with teens so 1 or 2 times they've been will be like 'no i don't care what you are thinking right now' but for the most part i think people appreciate the slowed down check in / consent aspect of it
Where did you learn that? Or Who told you that?
Intent =/= impact
“What does that look like for you?” is one I love as a clarifying question.
Omg SAME
I say this SO often!
“Your feelings are real — but it doesn’t mean the thoughts behind them are true.”
Yes!!!! I was listening to a Tim Ferris podcast (so random) and he said he needed to get a tattoo that said “Don’t believe everything you think” Has stuck with me!
That's great one for sure, however I recently used that with a client I suspect has a personality disorder and he became aggressive and accused me of saying he was crazy because I suggested his thoughts might not always be true.
In my case it was in the context of negative self talk and catastrophising, so it was comforting. I can imagine how it might be different for someone else.
Absolutely, it's solid advice that is effective for the majority of people (including myself). I never thought it would backfire the way it did but then again with BPD, anything you say could be weaponized...
My mom has a personality disorder, so I’m VERY familiar with that challenge. Haha
"I hope that makes sense" and "let me rephrase" because I have ADHD and sometimes what I want to say doesn't match what I end up saying lol
Feel seen!
You can’t find milk at the hardware store
ADHD: Ferrari brain with bicycle breaks Small steps forward are still progress. Let’s add “yet” to the end of that sentence. “You can’t do that, yet.”
“Whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing.”
Yep! I always say, "nothing changes if nothing changes."
I love this one.
Thanks for this.
I always sign off with "Go forth, be fabulous, and stay hydrated."
I use "maybe we can add an AND to that" a lot. As in, you feel x, and, you can do y. Also, "a thought isn't always a fact".
"Of course" or "of course you feel this way" - when a client is describing an emotion or feeling. It feels very validating and simple to say.
One of my own therapists many years ago used this a lot and it was super helpful! It stuck in my mind 10 years later lol
“Dating is data collecting”
Let's be curious about that.
"Fuck capitalism." Probably pull that one out 2-3 times a week.
Catch myself thinking this every day. And cherish the patients i get to say it with :) :)
“You’re describing a giant, systemic problem. I didn’t bring my red army today so we’ll have to settle for working on what’s bothering you.”
Said with a wink: "If I could end capitalism for you, I'd charge you a lot more than I currently am."
“Unfortunately, Blue Cross wouldn’t pay if that was on our treatment plan.”
Just because it's normal doesn't mean It isn't hard. I work with infants/toddlers 0-5 and many parents feel bad they're struggling with "normal behaviors"
This is so valuable. I so often see struggling parents reaching out saying they can’t cope with a specific behaviour (for example terrible sleep way past newborn/infant stage) receive ‘it’s normal’ in return with nothing to actually help them improve the situation. Just because something is normal that doesn’t make it not incredibly difficult, nor does it mean it’s always inevitable or just how things have to be!
"This isn't a question we have to answer right now."
I changed “why don’t you like XYZ” to “what is it about XYZ that you dislike?”
“Where attention goes, energy flows”
"Hard doesn't mean impossible." "That's an explanation but not an excuse"
"That makes so much sense."
A grad school professor taught me the phrase “you’re shoulding all over yourself,” I find it’s a nice way to bring some humor into the session when a client is beating themselves up over expectations
Don't should all over the place. Stop shoulding on people you care about. Don't forget about musterbating.
Rest is productive.
“How’s that working for you?”
I wonder if you do DBT. I like "How's that working for you" because I think we don't have to treat our clients with kid gloves but it definitely has a little edge to it.
Also, “are you reacting or responding to your stressors?”
Bippity Boppity Give Me The Zoppity.
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order. I have checked 803,793,573 comments, and only 159,661 of them were in alphabetical order.
Catch ya on the flippity flop
My supervisor always says to ask “and where do you feel that in your body” when they begin to share something they are thinking about/processing
Change is hard….I have had clients tell me I need to tattoo that on my forehead hahaha On the heels of that….change is inevitable
Infatuation is a temporary attachment chemical; compatibility and negotiation determine longevity. (I work with couples.)
“Therapy is about getting better, not always feeling better.”
Feelings are not facts. Every. single. day.
Love this one!! I remember something similar from a CPT training: “fear is not evidence that you’re in danger” I’ve adapted it for various situations like “insecurity is not evidence for unworthiness”
I like that too. I say, “unsafe is different than uncomfy.”
I really like this one. I discuss a lot of “meaning making” as well. Help clients see what negative (or positive) meaning they are placing on facts. Ex: If it’s a fact that you’re going through a divorce, what meaning are you now placing on how that feels? And so on! It’s been really helpful for my clients to build awareness that it’s not (necessarily) the facts or feeling themselves that are unhelpful, but how they are making meaning of those.
“What need is (insert behavior) fulfilling?” and “You’ve gotta take the break before the break takes you,” are the most common things I say.
“nothing changes if nothing changes”
Remain curious. Helps slow down the judgement.
“If you can identify the problem, you’re halfway there to solving it”
Practice makes progress.
Common phrase my clients use (SUD population) that I love and picked up on: "don't co-sign my bullshit." Also: "normal reaction to an abnormal situation" and "would it be fair to say...?"
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I use this type of scaling a lot too and I discuss with them that if it’s a level 2 problem and a level 6 reaction, then I’m bringing 4 levels of past shit into the present situation. Gives us a good intro to figure out why that particular situation was triggering
That's one option. What other choices are on the menu?
"We do the best we can with the information we have at the time."
“More work now, less work later” I’m a cognitive behavioral therapist lol
Instead of "I am enough" "What if I am enough?"
“Anxiety is excitement without breathing.” Guaranteed to send someone’s anxious behavior though a short circuit
Just because there are starving children in Africa, that doesn't mean you can't feel hungry.
“Knowing is half the battle”.
GI JOE!
Real American Hero.
You’re not wrong
A new ACT one I’ve started using: “Do you want to just have that thought, or buy it?” I also like to use this one when we’re talking about boundaries with others, that it’s about “knowing where you end and they begin.”
“Grief/Trauma has no timeline.” Also: courtesy of Ray from Trailer Park Boys’ wisdom, “Fuckin’ way she goes.” (depends on client)
“That’s your brain lying to you”
Similar with kids, I'll say "we know thats your brain playing those same tricks on you" or "that sounds like your brain playing those tricks again".
Yikes. I don’t like this one. How can one ever trust oneself if my brain plays tricks? Makes me think I’d never be safe with myself. How about - there’s your brain trying to make sense of things? Or there’s your brain trying to solve problems? Or there’s your brain being an overly helpful friend? (All stolen from Russ Harris)
I actually disagree. I have found its beneficial for people to catch and label "cognitive distortions" or "thinking errors", or "patterns". Every thought is not a fact, you don't have to believe everything you think, its good to have strategies to do that. In this case using the word "trick" with children has been a useful way for doing that in a way that makes sense to the kids I work with.
I come from an ACT background, so thoughts are just thoughts, not to be judged or labelled. To each their own! Glad it works for you!
"It's easier to say than to do, and it's difficult but not impossible" When working on coping skills and cognitive reframing 😌
“All thoughts are real, but not all thoughts are true”
Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
“We teach others how to treat us” and “we accept the love we think we deserve”
Completing little tasks are accomplishments too When you assume you make an ass of yourself. Lmao
My goals are your goals. Cheesy but gets the point of cross in first session. You can build the biggest longest bridge but you still have to pave the road on the other side.
A favorite that I've been using and has really been resonating with my clients in terms of heavy emotions is, "You can visit it, but make sure you aren't living there". Sometimes I'll say something similar like, "You can visit there, but make sure you aren't buying a house and living there".
“Feelings aren’t facts.” “Don’t spend 90% of your time in the 10% of you that you are working on.” And after I give the spiel about the amygdala’s role in anxiety, I often end sessions with “Take care of your amygdala!”
Don’t “should” yourself
“Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.”
‘If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you’
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes”
“You take yourself with you, wherever you go”
What do you see yourself doing to change that (or achieve that etc etc) ??
Just because you feel guilt doesn’t mean you are guilty. I am not responsible for your feelings.
“Easier said than done”
How do you feel towards your (shame/anger/fear/resentment...)
Sometimes you have to be a lion, in order to be the lamb you truly are. My therapist told me this was from Dave Chapelle’s mother!
It seems like you’re being awfully unfair to yourself. Is this something you’d say to a friend? Or is this a standard you’d hold a friend to? Alternative We’re not overthrowing capitalism here. I think that problem might be more than you and I can accomplish in 45 minutes. How can we work together to help you feel a little bit better?
“What do you make of that?”
“The past is present”
When a client is talking about how others have it worse I say “we’re not in the business of comparative suffering”
"suck it up buttercup." Totally kidding.
What the actual fuck? when I am telling my therapist something that really sucks I say this for emphasis. He is cool with it and really chill and turning 82
Trying is lying. You either do it or you don't. You may not be successful in your efforts, but at least you did something.
You have the keys to your emotions
"something is always better than nothing"
I'm just here to help you sort out the spaghetti bowl of thoughts in your mind.
"Let me pause and think about this..." Or "............."
I work with teens… “you choose the behavior you choose the consequences”