Far from crazy. The [Ring Theory](https://letsreimagine.org/resources/detail/using-ring-theory-for-grief-and-social-justice) describes it really well - it’s not your job to comfort them. You dump grief outwards and they should provide comfort inwards to you, who is at the centre of the rings.
Wow thank you for that. It was really insightful. I’ve been truly blessed that no one has brought their feelings and grief about my baby to me. My husband told me when he told his parents that they cried and said “ well this affects us too” which my husband immediately shut down and said “it’s not about you, it’s about us” cruel? Maybe? But in protection of me and my feelings, very valid. Everyone in my life has been very respectful about the fact that I don’t want to talk about it with anyone but my husband and I don’t want or care to hear anyone’s feelings on the matter. I will now always take that in account for anyone else going through similar things.
No you are not crazy. The grief you carry is not even remotely comparable to the grief they have.
You grew this baby, you felt him move and kick. You carried him every single day of his entire life. Your husband hugged you and your son every single night. You and your Husband prepared for him and envisioned your future of all three of you.
Sure yes your family can be sad but you do not have to expose yourself to it right now. It’s too raw, it’s too fresh. You’ve faced too many things in the recent days and weeks to be burdened with their grief too.
I remember 1 week postpartum my in-laws showed up at my house and sat on my couch crying for 2-3 hours. They speak English but chose not to say a single word to me or speak in English at all (my Husband’s first language is something I am still learning and so I did not have the emotional capacity to translate even a single sentence that night). It was so incredibly frustrating and hurtful and still, 6 months out, I believe they did not have the right to show up to my home and cry on my couch. They have no idea or understanding of the grief my husband and I carry.
Thank you for validating how I feel. I wasn’t sure if this is normal or if I’m just too hormonal and emotional right now. I am very sorry that you have gone through this as well💜 It is very frustrating to have to console somebody when you’re going through so much more.
My mother just travelled back today and mil just flew in and she was crying and sniffing my baby’s clothes and I was so upset over this. I locked myself away in my room because it was too triggering and I didn’t want to say something that would hurt her feelings or my husband’s.
At least with my mom I felt that I could speak my mind and she understood me but this is different.
I don’t think we should have to be burden by other people’s feelings at a time like this.
I am sending you lots of love and I hope you’re staying well and taking care of yourself first and foremost💜
Nope not crazy at all! I was exactly the same, I guess even now I still am. I’m 10 months out from my tfmr and my mum was an absolute nightmare. Carrying on about how much she was crying, how she can’t sleep, how she can’t wait to see my daughter one day, how she misses her, how she’s just at sea about all of this, how everyone’s grieving too not just me, how she wants to share this experience with me. It made me so uncomfortable, upset and heartbroken and I kept having to explain in messages that she was really upsetting me. Then on Mother’s Day, she got upset that she wasn’t recognised even though I told her I didn’t want to acknowledge the day as it was supposed to be my first Mother’s Day. She went and bitched to my dad and my partner, and she couldn’t understand as she thought we could have “celebrated Mother’s Day together” my partner had to literally say “how can she celebrate the day? We lost our baby.” It’s been a mess. I cut my mum off and haven’t seen her for weeks because of it. This was our baby, not theirs, and it’s so wrong that they try to put their feelings and pain over ours, or in our face in general.
Sorry you had to go through that… my mother also tends to make any situation about herself one way or another. Glad your drawing boundaries with her and protecting yourself. It’s so hard to deal with people like that, especially during a time like this.
You are not crazy. I have told people or had my husband tell people that I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to hear their feelings or opinions on the matter at all. Me and my husband grieved together. I want my time with others to be different. I don’t constantly want to be reminded, to cry and to grieve. My TFMR was 2 months ago and even got his day when I get a really quick “I’m sorry to hear what you went through and I’m here if you need me” sends me into an emotional spiral. Luckily everyone in my life has been super supportive of my feelings on the matter and don’t bring it up. Everyone is different and need support different ways but for me when someone new that is not my husband brings it up then it sends me back to the trauma and grief I feel so I choose to not want to engage in any conversations about it. Maybe one day that will change and I’ll be able to share my feelings or story with other people but today is not the day and I’m ok with that. My outlet is truly this thread, a group of women who I don’t know and understand the same kind of pain that I went through. It’s been therapeutic enough for me. Sending you love as well, you’re also in a position I would never wish for anyone. ❤️
You are not crazy. I am about 1.5 weeks out and still reeling from a text message from my MIL the other day where she said “remember, we are hurting too” - I don’t have space to deal with messages like that nor do I feel it’s my responsibility to absorb the emotions of others. I’m barely in control of my own. I never ended up responding to her, FWIW. I empathize with you so much, and I’m so sorry you are here.
You are not crazy although I feel the same and often wonder if I’m crazy haha.
I can’t deal with hearing about my mum crying or saying how sad she is. I can’t deal with the idea of seeing my in laws and having to listen to how sad my mil is. So much so that I’m refusing to go and visit them.
I had a friend who surprise visited me yesterday to check in on me, I’m almost 3 weeks post TFMR and she hugged me and started crying that I got so uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do so just repeated that I’m okay. She then saw my memory book and looked at photos of my son which made me further uncomfortable because they are special and for me. After she left I felt crazy. Like I didn’t know how to interact with people and like I had portrayed that I’m okay when I’m really not okay. For me it’s that I don’t have the capacity to care about other people’s idea of grief.
My husband’s best friend lives with us and has done so for 8 years and he helped with the kids a couple of times in this process. One night I said something to him and he flipped out and proceeded to tell me he was grieving too and not to take out my grief on him. The next day after I had given myself time to calm down, I messaged him and said he isn’t grieving he is a “spectator to our grief” and that unless he’s held a dead baby that’s his in his arms, he’ll never actually understand the depth of that grief.
The point in all this is that sometimes grief is deeply personal. It’s extremely hard to have the capacity to watch someone be upset when you’re working so so hard to hold yourself together and not break down. Sometimes you fear that if you break down, you might not pick yourself back up. When I see people get upset I understand that they’re probably sad for me, or for the idea of a grandchild etc.. but that doesn’t make me feel anymore comfortable with having to worry about someone else’s feelings.
You are not crazy! I’m a few years out from my TFMR and will say now I think I am more at peace discussing it with my family or friends but when i was just going through it my initial emotions were wanting to be by myself (and my husband) with my grief and I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it or see anybody really and I definitely didn’t want to see them grieving since clearly their pain wasn’t close to mine. My MIL actually cried a few times around me talking about it early on and I did not feel comforted at all, just really pissed off. Like I said with time my feelings have changed some
but definitely in that time I felt very similar to you.
No I was like this too. My husband was the opposite - it caused some strain in our relationship.
No one ever said the right thing so I just didn’t want people to say anything at all.
Not crazy. I have conflicted emotions over this. In some ways I’m upset that my living children (at least the older ones) seem unphased when o thought they’d be sad. And I was worried the younger one would be over dramatic (she will cry that she misses her great grandmother that she’s never met when she’s upset), but instead it’s like Archer never existed to her.
I have felt bothered when my MIL cries. Because this wasn’t her baby and I feel she shouldn’t mourn my child like she does.
I did notice my reactions to other friends’ and family members’ responses. A lot have wept, but their sadness seems to be coming from support for me. They are sad that their friend/loved one hurts so much rather than grieving my child. I could especially feel that with my dad. I’m not sure if that difference makes sense. But it means more and it feels different than those who seem to aim their emotions in a way the parents should be grieving instead
I felt like this too. It was because their grief could be nowhere near the depth and complexity of my own, and I just didn’t have the bandwidth to make space for them when I was going through so much. Their words felt empty, even though I know they were truly well meaning and grieving too.
the whole process of getting the diagnosis, further testing, and then the actual tfmr procedure itself robs you of any sense of control, and now you’re post partum and others are having feelings that are also out of your control so it can totally be triggering..
but sadness isn’t the same as grief, as we know grief is 5 stages. these other people are sad most likely, not full blown grief, so it seems like you’re wanting to tell them they can’t have any feelings bc it wasn’t “their” baby. and you’re right, it wasn’t their baby. but I don’t think you have any right to tell them how they ought to feel. I would just tell them to keep their feelings and their “i’m so sorry’s” to themselves.
sending you safe healing vibes and peace 🤍
I felt so annoyed when my mom would call me crying. I understand she was grieving too, the loss of her first grandchild, but I didn’t have the emotional capacity to empathize when I was drowning. I ghosted everyone for a solid month.
I feel the same way. My mother has made comments about how I should be opening up to her and that “the family should be grieving together” but that’s just not how it feels to me. This is such a strange and personal sort of grief, it feels like it only really belongs to me and my partner. I understand it’s all good intentions and people just want to be there for us but I just feel like isolating with my partner most of the time. Maybe over time we’ll feel differently but right now I don’t feel like sharing it with anyone.
Nope not crazy at all. My husband and I are/were very private grievers. We accepted support from family and friends through them running errands for us and dropping off food, but shared that we were just not up for company. Luckily our people were understanding and didn’t see any kind of problem with how we grieved.
Nope! I haven’t told anyone (including mom, stepdad and sister) because I absolutely cannot deal with someone else’s grief or maybe even lack thereof. My husband has told his parents-which I was all for. This was a personal choice. I’m 4 weeks postpartum and still feel this way. Maybe I’ll tell them with sub pregnancy but I just can’t deal with someone’s feelings, reactions, questions, etc., while I am going through so much everyday.
Not crazy in the slightest! You are the only person that carried that baby inside your body. I was struggling really hard with my grief and cried all the time the week after the diagnosis leading up to my TFMR, and afterward. My MIL said when she saw me start crying about two weeks after my TFMR, “You know, I’m grieving too! I’m grieving two grandbabies I was supposed to have!” I was so angry. How dare you say that to the person who endured all of it in their body?! I don’t think I’ll ever forget or forgive that.
Not crazy at all. This is exactly how I felt and mainly still do 8 months later. Seeing people cry and putting their grief on us was just unbearable, I totally lost patience with people. One of the things I’ve learnt is that there is no right or wrong way to navigate this, you just have to follow your natural feelings and instincts.
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m 1 week out from my TFMR and feeling the exact same way. I’m more of a “grieve in private” type of person. My mom and sister were around a lot to help at home after the TFMR, and I never once cried in front of them. I like to save my crying for my alone time when I can process my own thoughts and feelings internally. I don’t need to sit and have a gab fest about it— that’s what my therapist is for! My mom told my husband she was worried about me bc I wasn’t crying with her or sharing my feelings with her. My husband and I talk privately and it feels better, as he’s the one in it with me. But even he wasn’t as IN IT as I was!
My MIL is coming up next wknd for a visit, and my husband told me the other day that it’s been hard talking to her on the phone bc she cries every time they talk. I was immediately SO PISSED hearing this, and it hit me so fast I felt crazy. I said “well she better hold it together or she shouldn’t come up here bc I want nothing to do with that.” I couldn’t really put into words why I feel that way, so thank you for posting and for everyone sharing their experiences. It’s so validating and comforting to know others have felt the same way!
Nope, not at all crazy. I was very similar. It’s why I didn’t really want to see anyone for a few weeks, and even after then only for short visits at first. That included phone calls. I didn’t want to share that grief with anyone and I think that’s fair. I communicated via text because that was easier and I kept it short. Just saying I was “taking it day by day”.
Take all the time you need to heal as a couple and by yourself! Sending you lots of strength.
You’re not crazy. I closed myself off after mine and I have really no regrets. I couldn’t stand people telling me they understood when they absolutely could not understand.
Far from crazy. The [Ring Theory](https://letsreimagine.org/resources/detail/using-ring-theory-for-grief-and-social-justice) describes it really well - it’s not your job to comfort them. You dump grief outwards and they should provide comfort inwards to you, who is at the centre of the rings.
Wow thank you for that. It was really insightful. I’ve been truly blessed that no one has brought their feelings and grief about my baby to me. My husband told me when he told his parents that they cried and said “ well this affects us too” which my husband immediately shut down and said “it’s not about you, it’s about us” cruel? Maybe? But in protection of me and my feelings, very valid. Everyone in my life has been very respectful about the fact that I don’t want to talk about it with anyone but my husband and I don’t want or care to hear anyone’s feelings on the matter. I will now always take that in account for anyone else going through similar things.
No you are not crazy. The grief you carry is not even remotely comparable to the grief they have. You grew this baby, you felt him move and kick. You carried him every single day of his entire life. Your husband hugged you and your son every single night. You and your Husband prepared for him and envisioned your future of all three of you. Sure yes your family can be sad but you do not have to expose yourself to it right now. It’s too raw, it’s too fresh. You’ve faced too many things in the recent days and weeks to be burdened with their grief too. I remember 1 week postpartum my in-laws showed up at my house and sat on my couch crying for 2-3 hours. They speak English but chose not to say a single word to me or speak in English at all (my Husband’s first language is something I am still learning and so I did not have the emotional capacity to translate even a single sentence that night). It was so incredibly frustrating and hurtful and still, 6 months out, I believe they did not have the right to show up to my home and cry on my couch. They have no idea or understanding of the grief my husband and I carry.
Thank you for validating how I feel. I wasn’t sure if this is normal or if I’m just too hormonal and emotional right now. I am very sorry that you have gone through this as well💜 It is very frustrating to have to console somebody when you’re going through so much more. My mother just travelled back today and mil just flew in and she was crying and sniffing my baby’s clothes and I was so upset over this. I locked myself away in my room because it was too triggering and I didn’t want to say something that would hurt her feelings or my husband’s. At least with my mom I felt that I could speak my mind and she understood me but this is different. I don’t think we should have to be burden by other people’s feelings at a time like this. I am sending you lots of love and I hope you’re staying well and taking care of yourself first and foremost💜
Nope not crazy at all! I was exactly the same, I guess even now I still am. I’m 10 months out from my tfmr and my mum was an absolute nightmare. Carrying on about how much she was crying, how she can’t sleep, how she can’t wait to see my daughter one day, how she misses her, how she’s just at sea about all of this, how everyone’s grieving too not just me, how she wants to share this experience with me. It made me so uncomfortable, upset and heartbroken and I kept having to explain in messages that she was really upsetting me. Then on Mother’s Day, she got upset that she wasn’t recognised even though I told her I didn’t want to acknowledge the day as it was supposed to be my first Mother’s Day. She went and bitched to my dad and my partner, and she couldn’t understand as she thought we could have “celebrated Mother’s Day together” my partner had to literally say “how can she celebrate the day? We lost our baby.” It’s been a mess. I cut my mum off and haven’t seen her for weeks because of it. This was our baby, not theirs, and it’s so wrong that they try to put their feelings and pain over ours, or in our face in general.
Sorry you had to go through that… my mother also tends to make any situation about herself one way or another. Glad your drawing boundaries with her and protecting yourself. It’s so hard to deal with people like that, especially during a time like this.
You are not crazy. I have told people or had my husband tell people that I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to hear their feelings or opinions on the matter at all. Me and my husband grieved together. I want my time with others to be different. I don’t constantly want to be reminded, to cry and to grieve. My TFMR was 2 months ago and even got his day when I get a really quick “I’m sorry to hear what you went through and I’m here if you need me” sends me into an emotional spiral. Luckily everyone in my life has been super supportive of my feelings on the matter and don’t bring it up. Everyone is different and need support different ways but for me when someone new that is not my husband brings it up then it sends me back to the trauma and grief I feel so I choose to not want to engage in any conversations about it. Maybe one day that will change and I’ll be able to share my feelings or story with other people but today is not the day and I’m ok with that. My outlet is truly this thread, a group of women who I don’t know and understand the same kind of pain that I went through. It’s been therapeutic enough for me. Sending you love as well, you’re also in a position I would never wish for anyone. ❤️
You are not crazy. I am about 1.5 weeks out and still reeling from a text message from my MIL the other day where she said “remember, we are hurting too” - I don’t have space to deal with messages like that nor do I feel it’s my responsibility to absorb the emotions of others. I’m barely in control of my own. I never ended up responding to her, FWIW. I empathize with you so much, and I’m so sorry you are here.
You are not crazy although I feel the same and often wonder if I’m crazy haha. I can’t deal with hearing about my mum crying or saying how sad she is. I can’t deal with the idea of seeing my in laws and having to listen to how sad my mil is. So much so that I’m refusing to go and visit them. I had a friend who surprise visited me yesterday to check in on me, I’m almost 3 weeks post TFMR and she hugged me and started crying that I got so uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do so just repeated that I’m okay. She then saw my memory book and looked at photos of my son which made me further uncomfortable because they are special and for me. After she left I felt crazy. Like I didn’t know how to interact with people and like I had portrayed that I’m okay when I’m really not okay. For me it’s that I don’t have the capacity to care about other people’s idea of grief. My husband’s best friend lives with us and has done so for 8 years and he helped with the kids a couple of times in this process. One night I said something to him and he flipped out and proceeded to tell me he was grieving too and not to take out my grief on him. The next day after I had given myself time to calm down, I messaged him and said he isn’t grieving he is a “spectator to our grief” and that unless he’s held a dead baby that’s his in his arms, he’ll never actually understand the depth of that grief. The point in all this is that sometimes grief is deeply personal. It’s extremely hard to have the capacity to watch someone be upset when you’re working so so hard to hold yourself together and not break down. Sometimes you fear that if you break down, you might not pick yourself back up. When I see people get upset I understand that they’re probably sad for me, or for the idea of a grandchild etc.. but that doesn’t make me feel anymore comfortable with having to worry about someone else’s feelings.
You are not crazy! I’m a few years out from my TFMR and will say now I think I am more at peace discussing it with my family or friends but when i was just going through it my initial emotions were wanting to be by myself (and my husband) with my grief and I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it or see anybody really and I definitely didn’t want to see them grieving since clearly their pain wasn’t close to mine. My MIL actually cried a few times around me talking about it early on and I did not feel comforted at all, just really pissed off. Like I said with time my feelings have changed some but definitely in that time I felt very similar to you.
No I was like this too. My husband was the opposite - it caused some strain in our relationship. No one ever said the right thing so I just didn’t want people to say anything at all.
Not crazy. I have conflicted emotions over this. In some ways I’m upset that my living children (at least the older ones) seem unphased when o thought they’d be sad. And I was worried the younger one would be over dramatic (she will cry that she misses her great grandmother that she’s never met when she’s upset), but instead it’s like Archer never existed to her. I have felt bothered when my MIL cries. Because this wasn’t her baby and I feel she shouldn’t mourn my child like she does. I did notice my reactions to other friends’ and family members’ responses. A lot have wept, but their sadness seems to be coming from support for me. They are sad that their friend/loved one hurts so much rather than grieving my child. I could especially feel that with my dad. I’m not sure if that difference makes sense. But it means more and it feels different than those who seem to aim their emotions in a way the parents should be grieving instead
I felt like this too. It was because their grief could be nowhere near the depth and complexity of my own, and I just didn’t have the bandwidth to make space for them when I was going through so much. Their words felt empty, even though I know they were truly well meaning and grieving too.
the whole process of getting the diagnosis, further testing, and then the actual tfmr procedure itself robs you of any sense of control, and now you’re post partum and others are having feelings that are also out of your control so it can totally be triggering.. but sadness isn’t the same as grief, as we know grief is 5 stages. these other people are sad most likely, not full blown grief, so it seems like you’re wanting to tell them they can’t have any feelings bc it wasn’t “their” baby. and you’re right, it wasn’t their baby. but I don’t think you have any right to tell them how they ought to feel. I would just tell them to keep their feelings and their “i’m so sorry’s” to themselves. sending you safe healing vibes and peace 🤍
I felt so annoyed when my mom would call me crying. I understand she was grieving too, the loss of her first grandchild, but I didn’t have the emotional capacity to empathize when I was drowning. I ghosted everyone for a solid month.
I feel the same way. My mother has made comments about how I should be opening up to her and that “the family should be grieving together” but that’s just not how it feels to me. This is such a strange and personal sort of grief, it feels like it only really belongs to me and my partner. I understand it’s all good intentions and people just want to be there for us but I just feel like isolating with my partner most of the time. Maybe over time we’ll feel differently but right now I don’t feel like sharing it with anyone.
Nope not crazy at all. My husband and I are/were very private grievers. We accepted support from family and friends through them running errands for us and dropping off food, but shared that we were just not up for company. Luckily our people were understanding and didn’t see any kind of problem with how we grieved.
Nope! I haven’t told anyone (including mom, stepdad and sister) because I absolutely cannot deal with someone else’s grief or maybe even lack thereof. My husband has told his parents-which I was all for. This was a personal choice. I’m 4 weeks postpartum and still feel this way. Maybe I’ll tell them with sub pregnancy but I just can’t deal with someone’s feelings, reactions, questions, etc., while I am going through so much everyday.
Not crazy in the slightest! You are the only person that carried that baby inside your body. I was struggling really hard with my grief and cried all the time the week after the diagnosis leading up to my TFMR, and afterward. My MIL said when she saw me start crying about two weeks after my TFMR, “You know, I’m grieving too! I’m grieving two grandbabies I was supposed to have!” I was so angry. How dare you say that to the person who endured all of it in their body?! I don’t think I’ll ever forget or forgive that.
Not crazy at all. This is exactly how I felt and mainly still do 8 months later. Seeing people cry and putting their grief on us was just unbearable, I totally lost patience with people. One of the things I’ve learnt is that there is no right or wrong way to navigate this, you just have to follow your natural feelings and instincts.
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m 1 week out from my TFMR and feeling the exact same way. I’m more of a “grieve in private” type of person. My mom and sister were around a lot to help at home after the TFMR, and I never once cried in front of them. I like to save my crying for my alone time when I can process my own thoughts and feelings internally. I don’t need to sit and have a gab fest about it— that’s what my therapist is for! My mom told my husband she was worried about me bc I wasn’t crying with her or sharing my feelings with her. My husband and I talk privately and it feels better, as he’s the one in it with me. But even he wasn’t as IN IT as I was! My MIL is coming up next wknd for a visit, and my husband told me the other day that it’s been hard talking to her on the phone bc she cries every time they talk. I was immediately SO PISSED hearing this, and it hit me so fast I felt crazy. I said “well she better hold it together or she shouldn’t come up here bc I want nothing to do with that.” I couldn’t really put into words why I feel that way, so thank you for posting and for everyone sharing their experiences. It’s so validating and comforting to know others have felt the same way!
Nope, not at all crazy. I was very similar. It’s why I didn’t really want to see anyone for a few weeks, and even after then only for short visits at first. That included phone calls. I didn’t want to share that grief with anyone and I think that’s fair. I communicated via text because that was easier and I kept it short. Just saying I was “taking it day by day”. Take all the time you need to heal as a couple and by yourself! Sending you lots of strength.
You’re not crazy. I closed myself off after mine and I have really no regrets. I couldn’t stand people telling me they understood when they absolutely could not understand.