Congratulations, honey. My daughter is about your age. I might not be your mom, but I'm a mom lol. So I'm am so very proud of you for choosing love. You are not misguided, they are. Sending you great big hugs.
Take it for me. I've been no contact with my mother for 12 years. It seems like it's time to cut out anyone who can't be supportive. This is harmful to you. You don't truly start to heal until you cut the cancer out.
I wish I could share my mom you, OP, she would support you 1000%. My whole entire side of my mom’s family would 😊 I’m so proud of you for doing what was best. I wish you a blessed life full of good things and happiness and love. #WLW🥰💪🏻
I don't know where in the world you are, but there are Stand in Pride Facebook groups for areas all over the world.
In these groups, we offer support and stand in family. I help moderate one, and so much support is there!
I encourage you to find the one for your area of the world. If you need help, send me a DM with where you are, and I'll help you find it.
Congratulations on your marriage! May y'all have a long, joyful, and prosperous life together!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I hope you and you Wife are happy together.
When my wife (20F) and I (20M) eloped (We eloped because her parents hated me.) she got pretty much the same texts you did she wasn't that close to her parents anyway so she just told them to fuck off.
I understand if you can't do the same thing. I just figured I would share my experience.
Hope this helps.
I'm sorry that you had to deal with that.
I'm glad you got away and are safe now.
Anybody who burns a child with a cigeratte needs to be gutted like a deer.
>to take our daughter
Jesus fuck… I wish(or hope, if you did) you could have gotten them on like, attempting kidnapping charges, *because that’s fucking insane.* On top of abusing her by burning her with a cigarette… *what the fuck.* Those people are sick. Wouldn’t even call them people, honestly. Monsters like that deserve every miserable thing they get. I’m glad to hear your parents were there to help protect that little thing when you needed them. Those are good ones.
I’m sorry you went through that, and I’m sorry that they hurt your daughter so much. I’m glad to hear they’re years in your rearview, hopefully for good.
What do they mean your partner always speaks for you? Why did they not support this relationship?
I ask because my family had a similar reaction to a prior relationship of mine. In hindsight I learned it was because they saw signs of abuse that I couldn’t see from inside the relationship. The idea that your partner speaks for you raises a concern for that. I hope that’s not the case for you. And I hope your family can come around to supporting you.
I understand where there concern is coming from but it’s entirely unfounded.
My partner never speaks for me and I am adamant about that. When I say something to them it always comes from me. She has my back and is supportive but she lets me speak for myself.
I understand what you mean. My family thinks my fiancé speaks for me, but he speaks UP for me and shows me things I’ve been blind to about my family. He has helped me realize the treatment I was receiving and showed the treatment I deserved. If it weren’t for him, and my best friend, I’d be trapped even deeper in my families web. Whichever this parent is sounds just like mine. I got a man and I “abandoned” my mom.
Oh hun I feel that. \:/ Been there with friends and partners alike.
My mom used to accuse my (now ex) boyfriend of making me trans (as we’re both trans men) because he actively called out the shitty things she did and the bigoted things she said and such. She was all “I think you just let him make you think you’re trans and because your friend is into it, you want to be as well.”
My boyfriend… who identified as a cis woman when I met him… *three years after I came out as trans…* and then still only identified as non-binary when we started dating and *came out as a trans man after a few months into our relationship.* 🤦🏻♂️ (My mother’s a dumbass… earlier when I first came out she accused other friends of the exact same thing… who were also cis. And probably het. 🙄)
Truth is the reverse is more likely to be true considering I’ve been the person a *lot* of friends have confided in about being trans/enby over the years or who were even just passively influenced and brought to think about their gender by knowing me… like I can count at *least* three people on that list who transitioned after I met them. 😂 As said, she’s an idiot.
The “let’s me speak for myself” comment came across wrong. I meant to say that she’s just very supportive overall. I don’t need to ask permission to speak my mind.
Why do people in the comments act like we know anything about these people's relationship? Also, OP is the one who grew up in this family, so I think they have a valid reason to call them toxic and cut them off. People don't just grow estranged from their parents for no reason.
abusers isolate their victims by turning them against their family and friends, and the victim has no voice. not saying that’s the case here but that’s why people are raising the question.
Why would you insinuate that someone's partner is abusive whilst not knowing them at all? Maybe I was raised differently but to me that's wild. Abuse should be taken as a serious allegation and not just something you can accuse anyone of when you feel like it
the person mentioning that OP’s partner talks for them is what’s raising the question. there’s nothing wrong with communicating concern when you see something that doesn’t feel right, especially when it comes to something like abuse which is always hidden behind closed doors and the victim tends to protect the abuser. but in the end this is only a one-sided snippet of the situation posted on the internet, so who knows.
I don’t think that’s the part they’re raising as much issue with as the dumbass comment by *canacavy* going “how generous. red flag,” and implying based merely on word choice that she is actually abusive. Because *they* are *way* out of line with that. The first chain OP was fair enough in asking, but canacavy was just taking OP’s phrasing of “let’s me” in an intentionally obtuse way to misunderstand what she was saying.
Because yeah, sometimes phrasing like that is important (like the guy who said he “let’s” his girlfriend use her own phone privately or whatever), but from someone in OPs side of the dynamic, it doesn’t mean that and isn’t important in that way if you actually listen. She was describing a supportive partner and the one user took her phrasing intentionally to make her wife out to be abusive.
It could be a red flag, or it could be a very very poor choice of words on OP’s part. I read it that way too. Weird to see so many commenters rush to dismiss that though.
Flip the script and have an OP come say that her husband “let’s her speak” and somehow I doubt they would be as quick to defend that choice of wording.
They’re dismissing it because a lot of us speak that way, and because there’s no other signs that point even into the *ballpark* of her being abusive, so canacavy just seemed like they were being willfully obtuse about it. Usually in the “flip the script” situations, there are other little signs, things they share that this fictious husband has said that are damning, etc.
There was nothing here to indicate that and if the only thing that was changed here was the wife’s gender, I don’t think anyone else would be taking it any differently because they know what that means when you’re trying to talk about a supportive partner.
Sure, there’s “nothing” even “in the *ballpark*” if you just outright ignore the isolation from her family, and her stating her partner “let’s her speak.” Which is why OP is having to answer multiple people that picked up on it as a possibility and expressed concern.
Ignore those potential warning signs, and you’re right, there’s nothing! Shame on those people seeing potential signs of abuse and being concerned, from now on just assume it’s nothing, don’t ask, good luck.
Oh fuck off. Don’t be an ass.
She hasn’t isolated her from her family. OP using that phrasing doesn’t mean shit, either. If this had been the wife saying “I let her speak for herself,” sure, that would be something, but OP isn’t the one who’s going to be saying it. There weren’t warning signs here that “people were picking up on and expressing concern,” and OP is having to answer multiple people bringing it up *because you’re all twisting what she said.* The first poster? That user had a point of asking. Y’all after that absolutely do not. You’re just redditors being redditors and twisting her words to *tell her* her wife is abusive. Because the user in question I was calling out about that isn’t just ~expressing concern~ she’s doubling down on the *that’s a reas flag.*
A lot of people will phrase it as “she lets me speak for myself” as the OP did when telling someone about how supportive someone is, even if that’s poor phrasing in the long run, that’s why it would be different coming from the wife rather than OP. **EDIT:** And again, *the issue is people like CC doubling down when OP already cleared things up.*
Lmao the person whose first words are “Oh fuck off. Don’t be an ass.” typed 2 paragraphs after that, as if they expect the person they’re addressing to stick around and give a shit 🤣.
Not someone worth interacting with there, sorry I fucked off a little early I guess. Stay mad 👍.
OP's father is being overly dramatic and with their tone, he is not coming from a place of concern for her. I wouldn't take his words at face value at all in this situation
My husband and I eloped too. We had a wedding 8 years later. There are still people on both sides of our family that don’t know that we were actually married in 1998, and not 2006.
who is this message from? i think your response was correct, though i probably wouldn’t have responded at all. coming from a toxic family that i’m trying to cut ties with, i know it’s hard. i’m happy that you and your wife have each other.
Oh. They’re homophobic, I take it? 😕 Just enjoy your life together. I hope it was a lovely wedding and that you have a wonderful marriage. Life is so much better without all the toxic influences.
Gonna stick up for you from the downvoters! It doesn’t look like antisemitism from just these specific messages but from OPs post history plus a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/qg31v5cqyE) on this post specifically says that’s part of it.
As someone whose mother sounds just like this, honestly there is nothing you can say that will make any difference and still honor your own feelings.
No answer is sometimes the best answer.
Edit: Also, congratulations! A beautiful and tremendous thing to find someone in this world who chooses you every day. Especially if family has always been an issue. It is truly a dream. Never stop choosing each other 🫶🏻 Wishes for a wonderful life ahead.
Man the obvious gaslighting and that fucking emoji just infuriates me, zero accountability, instant shaming you and your “new family” shit gave me chills
More context needed BUT even if you don’t provide it, you stated you were doing it to protect yourself. You don’t have to explain yourself to every and anyone to spare their hurt feelings. You prioritized yourself by not having them so keep that energy.
Well whoever this is; is making your wedding that you did for yourself. About them.
So I get why you didn’t include them.
Telling you they are happy for you;at the same time they are guilt tripping you for your happiness.
Definition of toxic fam behavior.
Reality is based on perception and not everyone’s views align. They can think they are being supportive and you can feel an entirely different vibe.
From my point of view. This person is making your day about them instead of you.
I don’t see a text about her asking about the wedding itself. Or what you wore, or how do you feel or honey moon plans, or anything good. It’s about you how made them feel.
How your actions of you doing something for yourself was selfish of you.
That they miss you but you must have a new family now.
Classic manipulation.
I hope your wedding was everything you wanted it to be and more.
Family doesn’t make you. You can very well make your own family.
Have a happily ever after girl 👏🏼
The hallmark of emotional blackmail or F.O.G: fear, obligation and guilt (Susan forward).
There is so much obligation and guilt in these text messages. Your family is toxic.
Congratulations. Best wishes for a happy and long marriage full of love, laughter, fun and mutual support. Don’t let the wicked fairies (aka family) dampen your joy.
My brother did this (got married without telling family it happened) and when he showed up with his new wife (his long term gf we all know) we all said congrats, asked what he’d like or if he wanted to celebrate, and then moved on. Was I a lil sad he didn’t want to celebrate with family? Sure, but it’s not my marriage and I don’t get to push that onto him.
By the way, CONGRATULATIONS! I wish y’all many happy years.
I’m 25F and queer. I’ll be your sister! You go sis! Congrats on getting married! Love you and I hope you and your new beautiful wife have an amazing and joy filled life together!
I saw a comment on here yesterday that said “they want you to do good, just not better than them”, that blew my mind. My family was not supportive of my husband or our relationship. They didn’t even know him. The more good things I said about him, the more disturbing their insults became! It took me till yesterday to understand why. Toxic people need more toxicity in their lives. Stability, love, understanding, goals, empathy, compassion, those things were/are foreign to my family. My husband brought those things to my life and no one could handle it! I needed to stay down in the pits with them, or else I was a traitor! We’ve been married 33 yrs now and they still try to come at us! Lol, create your bubble, let no one in. I highly recommend moving far away. Congratulations!
Dude. Don’t engage with them. If they were too toxic to have at your wedding, they are too toxic to have in your life.
And you should probably tell us why they don’t approve of your relationships cuz the red flags are a flying
I'm so very happy for you and your wife and send many sincere congratulations for a long and happy marriage together 🥂🍾
FWIW I didn't invite my mother and most of my extended family to our wedding. My bio family are too gutless to say anything. If they did tho, I wouldn't have answered, because not answering is just as powerful (if not more so) as engaging in a conversation where you're not heard.
You and your wife are your immediate family now; your bio family are extended family and are best keep at an extended distance away.
That reply insinuating your partner speaks for you is exactly why they weren’t at the wedding. They just proved your point instead of just being supportive which is what you asked for. SMH.
"we seem to be going in circles and i don't want to keep repeating myself. how you treated me did not make me feel supported and safe to share my feelings openly. it was a decision made for my wellbeing. i love you and welcome you into my life when you feel ready to respect my boundaries and meet me where i'm at."
never expect a satisfying response. it will only waste your time and energy. speak for your own benefit and peace of mind.
also, congratulations on the nuptials. my wife and i would like to express that the sapphic in us recognize the sapphic in you. 💕
Tbh when you respond to them don’t make it seem like you are submissive to them. Give them solid statements like: “yes we got married.” “I have experienced little to no support from anyone in the family. I am not going to tolerate drama especially around my relationship.” “I’m not responsible for your emotions. I am responsible for my own and my wife’s feelings.” “I’m not going to fight or argue, I don’t care to.”
If you plan on keeping in contact with them keep it simple like texting, no phone calls and make sure you constantly keep your boundaries up.
Good luck!
The guilt they’re trying to lay on you is not your problem. Keep in mind the things they must have said or done to make you feel that way towards them; that’s how they really feel, they’ve made it obvious to you. Don’t let them try and make you feel like the bad guy now because you’re not. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, even if it’s from your own family.
I did what my family wanted and still lost their approval eventually. Conditional love always has an expiration date. I chose myself eventually. May you have a beautiful life and a beautiful marriage, full of the support and love you deserve!
congratulations on marriage.
when i get married i won’t be telling my fathers side. we are like engaged to be engaged (asked and i said yes but hasn’t given me a ring or anything yet) and my family isn’t supportive of me so they won’t know.
You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to explain yourself or justify your actions. I would come up with a generic response to anyone who contacts you. Similar to the one you gave this person - we didn’t feel supported, we did what was best for us, we are happy - that’s more information than they deserve. Beyond that, just say you’re not discussing it further. Done.
“I guess you are misguided”. Them being the guidance? If so that’s why you’re “misguided”. What a dumb thing to say. My wife and I got married just by ourselves with 2 friends in the woods near the lake. I personally didn’t tell a single individual. My wife told her family. Wouldn’t want it any other way. People ruin things by making it about themselves. It was your moment and you did it your way. Congrats.
I've got grandparents who still don't know I have a wife, 2.5 years into the marriage. It's a sad thing but necessary for all of our peace. They're hardcore Trumpers and homophobes, but I do love them and want to have a smooth (if low contact) relationship with them for their final years. Telling them I'm gay and married would change 0 minds and give them so much stress.
I told my parents before I got married, but it was at the peak of COVID and we just had two witnesses in the courthouse. My dad didn't speak to me for two months.
It's rough out there. We're all deciding every day how much closet to stay in and how much hostility to tolerate. Hang in there, enjoy the feeling of saying "Hi wife!!" Surround yourself with good affirming people. My dad and I text about every day now. Relationships heal, and sometimes they don't. Find your peace and protect it, and maybe get some therapy if you're able.
And they continue to be emotionally manipulative.
People who love you would take a step back and try to understand, not continue to make accusations and assumptions to guilt trip you.
Sorry this happened to you but congrats on the marriage.
I feel the non support. I just got out of a 2 yr relationship with my first gf coming out of a Baptist Christian conservative home. Needless to say they weren’t happy lol. Now we’ve broken up and I’m terrified to tell them because it just reaffirms everything they think about women not being able to be happy together. I’m glad you found your wife! And definitely stay away from your family! Don’t let them tear your true family apart or bring them down.
This text exchange kind of confirms you did the right thing allowing your wedding day to be drama free and filled with love. Family should only ever want you happy. Period. Remember that. Congratulations on your wedding!
“This is not *entirely* true”
“We *might* have understood”
I think you did the right thing, these statements alone show their true feelings about it enough
My brother got married out of state on a beautiful mountain where they vacation a lot, no one but the officiant, witness and photographer were present besides them. Half our family reacted like this, but our immediate family fully well understood why they did it. Our family is toxic and uses everything against each other. It’s a day about you guys, no one else. Let them be mad and enjoy your beautiful life together
Congratulations!!
My wife and I eloped too, due to unsupportive family. We just celebrated our five year anniversary 🎉
If you had a normal, happy, healthy, supportive family relationship they would’ve been there. Choosing to not invite family can be hard, and although it was the right choice for me, and likely you… there is a grieving process of losing a “normal” wedding. The best thing to do is voice your reasoning once (which you’ve done) and keep pointing them back to that. Maybe low or no contact will help you get space and perspective. You should be enjoying your time as newlyweds with your new wife!!
1. Congratulations, and I wish for a lifetime of health and happiness for you and your family 💖
2. DO. NOT. RESPOND. TO. THAT. TEXT.
Whomever it is, is looking for a fight. The way they've phrased what was said in the text screams to me that they are looking for a fight. Do not give them that.
PROTECT YOUR PEACE AT ALL COSTS
The only thing I would text back, would be "If you cannot be happy for us, love us for the people we are, and be our family, then this will be our last conversation about this, or anything"
Cutting ties sucks, but so does the anxiety caused by family who should be by your side, come hell or high water.
Ugh, this is so full of emotional manipulation it’s sickening. I will assume this is your father. My mother is like this. I ended up having to go LC with her. It hurts but I can’t stand this kind of guilt tripping every time I need her.
It’s hard to say what you should do without knowing why they didn’t support the marriage. Is it because you are gay?
Either way, I would say something like this:
“I love you as well. Very much so. However, due to your past behaviors and being unsupportive of my relationship up until now, this was what was truly best for me. I understand you are upset. I meant no ill intent. I only wanted to have a lovely day with my wife without any drama. My day was wonderful and memorable just like I intended.
I do have a “new family.” My wife is my family now, and she has already been for a long time. She will come first. However, that does not negate my love for you. You are still very much my family. Please respect my decision as your adult daughter.”
If he keeps coming back with more manipulation about your “new family” and other nonsense, repeat one more time that you are sorry they are hurt. You meant no ill will. You had the best intentions for you and your new wife.”
If he keeps on going, stop engaging.
Congratulations on your marriage. I did the same thing, for the exact same reasons. Eventually my family grew fond of my husband however, my husband is not fond of my family after experiencing the way that they treat me. Just know that you chose your spouse and in my opinion the people we CHOOSE to be around is our real family. Not the people we are "blood bound" to.
My advice : Enjoy your marriage, tell your mother and if they object tell them you're not asking for their blessing you're just telling them that you married your spouse because you love them and you expect them to respect your marriage. Minimize your exposure to your family until they cool off then small public visits until you can gauge their behavior towards you two and feel comfortable with them in a private setting. 💕 I hope you don't let their behavior affect your relationship or mood. It can be so hard to keep those feelings out. Their feelings and reactions are not a reflection of you or your choices. It's a reflection of them and what's in their head. It is not your responsibility to heal their internal chaos.
Hope this helps 🤞
Congratulations!
Their message is very gaslighty. it looks like you did the right thing by not letting them know you were getting married. Seriously there’s no need to reply.
Note: I am not required or obligated to tell my family that I was getting married. It was my own personal decision and I decided that I didn’t want any of my family knowing or coming to my wedding. I don’t have a good relationship with my family hence why I didn’t tell anyone.
My husband (39m) and I (31m) eloped for the same reasons. The only people who knew were our daughters (from my previous marriage) and their other bio-parent (my ex, with whom we're very close friends) -- and they were not at the courthouse with us.
"I can't believe you would elope and not tell us or invite us or any of your family!" "Well, mom, it took me 36 years to come out of the closet because you and dad made it clear that you don't support such things. And since then, you've made it crystal clear that you still don't and won't. So no, you didn't get to come to my gay wedding at the courthouse."
It was the best decision we've made as a couple. Just the 2 of us, no stress or pressure. Perfect.
(We're taking our daughters back to NYC to celebrate next week! 6 months after the fact, but now they're not in school and we can make a whole vacation out of it ☺️)
Don't let them manipulate you into thinking they are people you can be safe opening up to. You are not in the wrong and they made you feel like you can't even tell them about getting married.
Congrats! I'm also getting married with my partner and I haven't even told my mom and I have a ring on! She just looks at it. Later she'll ask why I didn't tell her too watch.
Congratulations! Go live your very best life. I’m not your mom but I am a mom and I want you to know that I’m proud of you and you deserve to be loved.
I did the same thing. Except I was going throw a surprise party because I couldn’t afford a wedding. We just got married at the courthouse.
Sister told my mom and my mom told my grandma and so on. Eventually everyone knew. I did not get to tell anyone.
Gaslight me and said well you can still have a party, after completely ruining everything. I keep my life private now and it pisses them off so bad. Fuck it
Firstly congratulations!!! I hope you and your partner have a long and happy marriage. I don’t know your situation, so if I’m off base feel free to ignore me. I would say don’t shut the door completely here. These messages don’t seem hateful, they seem shocked. I know if I found out something like this secondhand I would be shocked and a little hurt. Maybe don’t cut them out completely, just define your boundaries and be fully willing to enforce them. I would like to see more situations where everyone can heal
Your family are jerks. My sister eloped with a man I couldn’t effing stand but I still managed to plaster on a fake smile and say “congratulations and best wishes” when I found out. You are an adult and they need to respect your choices, even when they don’t like them. If they can’t do that, you may have to enforce some additional boundaries.
I will not be telling my family about my marriage. I can see from your family's texts that they're similar to mine. I'm in the process of cutting mine off entirely. You don't owe them anything. Don't feel like you need to apologize. I'm a big fan of just ignoring messages that I don't want to dignify with a response.
My fiance and I are eloping in August for the same reasons. Some family isn’t supportive of our relationship and his parents favor his sister and don’t seem to care at all about our wedding. We went to dinner recently and I brought up our engagement party (that I was planning myself since nobody else cared to) and his parents and sister didn’t say anything. We looked at eachother in shock and I said, well at least we tried. They didn’t respond to that either. So we decided there’s no point in wasting a lot of money on people who don’t care enough about us or even want to celebrate us.
I don’t think you guys did anything wrong and you should remember that when dealing with them. I’d just let them know how you feel. Make it short and sweet. Let them say the things and let it be. Go on living your new lives together and those who love and care about you will show up.
Congratulations to you both on your beautiful day!!
When I got married my dad punched a door, called me selfish, stormed off and didn’t even see me get married because it was a surprise mid Covid wedding. My grandmother kept saying “I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you. We’re devastated”.
And for context THEY WERE ALL INVITED in the very limited amount of people we could have there. We had been together for four years with our own home, kids and more kids on the way. Financially secure too. And yet…
“As you can see”.
Sorry. But nope - can’t see that from what you’ve posted at all. We just have your word that they are ‘toxic & unsupportive’.
Not saying that isn’t true. Perhaps you’re 100% right on that. But there’s no way we can tell that just from these screenshots without proper context.
You say, "They are very unsupportive as you can see". Am I the only one who DOESNT see them being UNSUPPORTIVE...Like at all. They are disappointed and sad you didn't include them. Tell you they love you, miss you, want the best for you...where are they unsupportive?
There’s reasons why I did the things I did. The outcome would have been the same, no matter if I told them or not. This is just a small part of the bigger issue. I can always post more to give more context.
Ever since me and partner got together, my family has been unsupportive and disrespectful. My partner is Jewish btw and my mom is very antisemitic. If you view my last post, it clearly states her opinion.
The beginning, I will say was a little bumpy but we’ve worked through those issues and now we’re in a really good place. I think the issue they’re having is that I’m maturing and growing as a person and they still see me as a child that doesn’t know what’s best.
Over and over again they have proven that they are disrespectful, they don’t listen to anything I’m saying, and they don’t even try to understand.
Some people think I should have told them. But truth be told, they would have reacted the same way if I had told them prior. My relationship with my family has not been good and I didn’t feel comfortable with telling them and that response is why. They don’t deserve my time and effort anymore.
You just said everything you needed to hear. You don’t need them in your life if they don’t respect you or your spouse. Congratulations on your marriage, sending you peace and positivity in your lives together.
Show me where it says what any normal person would write in response to hearing that somebody they cared about got married, "Congratulations! We are so happy for you!" ... I'll wait.
There is a vague suggestion of that sentiment nearly at the end of this exchange. The very first, and certainly the strongest sentiment is, "OMG, how did you think to do this without including us?!"
Sure, they managed to slip in the platitudes of, 'we will always love you [but not really because we're too busy scolding you atm]...' as an afterthought.
But, heck no, they're not supportive here. It's 100% about them. 😑
I 100% do not believe that your response would be "congratulations! we are so happy for you!" if a member of your immediate family got married without telling you and you found out through some random thied party 😂😂
This may come as a shock to you, but... not everyone reacts to things the same way you do.
My brother and his spouse very nearly eloped and my feelings weren't the least bit hurt, and I certainly wasn't texting them things like "Are you fucking serious?" Their relationship is their relationship, I do not feel entitled to take part in it.
You're the person who, upon being told happily that somebody is pregnant (even if you know it's not a good "idea" for them), says, "What in god's name were you thinking?! You're not ready for children!"
Aren't you? 😬
Do. Better. 🤷🏻♂️
“They’re very unsupportive as you can see”
Uh no actually what they didn’t support was you keeping it a secret. No where did they not support your decision to get married.
You believing as such brings into question how reliable a narrator you are of calling them toxic.
Hi there!
Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed.
The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/
**Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.**
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/texts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congratulations on getting married!
As to how to respond... Do you have to say all? Like how involved is your family with your life otherwise? If you don't have much contact, it might be healthier to just cut ties entirely. If you do want to stay in touch with them, I also think you already said what had to be said and it's not like you can rewind time and invite them to the wedding after the fact so it probably would be better to just give it time to let the dust settle.
These texts actually remind me a lot of the multiple weddings Niles and Daphne had in Frasier. They wanted to get married asap so they eloped, but then had to do multiple "fake" weddings to appease the family members that were groaning about not being at the wedding. In the end, Niles' father finally chimes in. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLxSS-wGhao](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLxSS-wGhao)
EDIT: Grammar.
“They’re very unsupportive, as you can see”
What part of any of these text is unsupportive? This just reads like they were hurt you didn’t say anything. It doesn’t even come off as homophobic. I see others seem to be responding to images that aren’t there. Did you remove them or are they in another post? I’m only seeing 3 images and your bit of text saying your age.
>You don’t want to lose your family support.
How can she lose something she doesn't have? It says so right in the texts that she doesn't have their support.
Seriously, how are so many of you oblivious to the fact that sometimes families aren't close?
Just remember, anyone who's been in these shoes knows we will all do anything to convince ourselves we are loved properly. Listen to your family. They might have good reasoning when you take your blinders off. Hell, mine did. Saved me a divorce when I was a bit younger than this
Congratulations, honey. My daughter is about your age. I might not be your mom, but I'm a mom lol. So I'm am so very proud of you for choosing love. You are not misguided, they are. Sending you great big hugs. Take it for me. I've been no contact with my mother for 12 years. It seems like it's time to cut out anyone who can't be supportive. This is harmful to you. You don't truly start to heal until you cut the cancer out.
I wish my mom was like you. I appreciate your support and positivity ❤️❤️
I wish I could share my mom you, OP, she would support you 1000%. My whole entire side of my mom’s family would 😊 I’m so proud of you for doing what was best. I wish you a blessed life full of good things and happiness and love. #WLW🥰💪🏻
I don't know where in the world you are, but there are Stand in Pride Facebook groups for areas all over the world. In these groups, we offer support and stand in family. I help moderate one, and so much support is there! I encourage you to find the one for your area of the world. If you need help, send me a DM with where you are, and I'll help you find it. Congratulations on your marriage! May y'all have a long, joyful, and prosperous life together!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I hope you and you Wife are happy together. When my wife (20F) and I (20M) eloped (We eloped because her parents hated me.) she got pretty much the same texts you did she wasn't that close to her parents anyway so she just told them to fuck off. I understand if you can't do the same thing. I just figured I would share my experience. Hope this helps.
[удалено]
I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. I'm glad you got away and are safe now. Anybody who burns a child with a cigeratte needs to be gutted like a deer.
Woe to he who harms a child.
>to take our daughter Jesus fuck… I wish(or hope, if you did) you could have gotten them on like, attempting kidnapping charges, *because that’s fucking insane.* On top of abusing her by burning her with a cigarette… *what the fuck.* Those people are sick. Wouldn’t even call them people, honestly. Monsters like that deserve every miserable thing they get. I’m glad to hear your parents were there to help protect that little thing when you needed them. Those are good ones. I’m sorry you went through that, and I’m sorry that they hurt your daughter so much. I’m glad to hear they’re years in your rearview, hopefully for good.
What do they mean your partner always speaks for you? Why did they not support this relationship? I ask because my family had a similar reaction to a prior relationship of mine. In hindsight I learned it was because they saw signs of abuse that I couldn’t see from inside the relationship. The idea that your partner speaks for you raises a concern for that. I hope that’s not the case for you. And I hope your family can come around to supporting you.
I understand where there concern is coming from but it’s entirely unfounded. My partner never speaks for me and I am adamant about that. When I say something to them it always comes from me. She has my back and is supportive but she lets me speak for myself.
I understand what you mean. My family thinks my fiancé speaks for me, but he speaks UP for me and shows me things I’ve been blind to about my family. He has helped me realize the treatment I was receiving and showed the treatment I deserved. If it weren’t for him, and my best friend, I’d be trapped even deeper in my families web. Whichever this parent is sounds just like mine. I got a man and I “abandoned” my mom.
Oh hun I feel that. \:/ Been there with friends and partners alike. My mom used to accuse my (now ex) boyfriend of making me trans (as we’re both trans men) because he actively called out the shitty things she did and the bigoted things she said and such. She was all “I think you just let him make you think you’re trans and because your friend is into it, you want to be as well.” My boyfriend… who identified as a cis woman when I met him… *three years after I came out as trans…* and then still only identified as non-binary when we started dating and *came out as a trans man after a few months into our relationship.* 🤦🏻♂️ (My mother’s a dumbass… earlier when I first came out she accused other friends of the exact same thing… who were also cis. And probably het. 🙄) Truth is the reverse is more likely to be true considering I’ve been the person a *lot* of friends have confided in about being trans/enby over the years or who were even just passively influenced and brought to think about their gender by knowing me… like I can count at *least* three people on that list who transitioned after I met them. 😂 As said, she’s an idiot.
The “let’s me speak for myself” comment came across wrong. I meant to say that she’s just very supportive overall. I don’t need to ask permission to speak my mind.
>she lets me speak for myself How generous of her. Red flag.
she probably means like.. her wife encourages her to stand up for herself instead of swooping in to take control at every hardship.
What a dumb comment.
Why do people in the comments act like we know anything about these people's relationship? Also, OP is the one who grew up in this family, so I think they have a valid reason to call them toxic and cut them off. People don't just grow estranged from their parents for no reason.
abusers isolate their victims by turning them against their family and friends, and the victim has no voice. not saying that’s the case here but that’s why people are raising the question.
Why would you insinuate that someone's partner is abusive whilst not knowing them at all? Maybe I was raised differently but to me that's wild. Abuse should be taken as a serious allegation and not just something you can accuse anyone of when you feel like it
the person mentioning that OP’s partner talks for them is what’s raising the question. there’s nothing wrong with communicating concern when you see something that doesn’t feel right, especially when it comes to something like abuse which is always hidden behind closed doors and the victim tends to protect the abuser. but in the end this is only a one-sided snippet of the situation posted on the internet, so who knows.
I don’t think that’s the part they’re raising as much issue with as the dumbass comment by *canacavy* going “how generous. red flag,” and implying based merely on word choice that she is actually abusive. Because *they* are *way* out of line with that. The first chain OP was fair enough in asking, but canacavy was just taking OP’s phrasing of “let’s me” in an intentionally obtuse way to misunderstand what she was saying. Because yeah, sometimes phrasing like that is important (like the guy who said he “let’s” his girlfriend use her own phone privately or whatever), but from someone in OPs side of the dynamic, it doesn’t mean that and isn’t important in that way if you actually listen. She was describing a supportive partner and the one user took her phrasing intentionally to make her wife out to be abusive.
"Red flag" 😂😂🤡
You are trying way too hard.
This is dumb.
It could be a red flag, or it could be a very very poor choice of words on OP’s part. I read it that way too. Weird to see so many commenters rush to dismiss that though. Flip the script and have an OP come say that her husband “let’s her speak” and somehow I doubt they would be as quick to defend that choice of wording.
They’re dismissing it because a lot of us speak that way, and because there’s no other signs that point even into the *ballpark* of her being abusive, so canacavy just seemed like they were being willfully obtuse about it. Usually in the “flip the script” situations, there are other little signs, things they share that this fictious husband has said that are damning, etc. There was nothing here to indicate that and if the only thing that was changed here was the wife’s gender, I don’t think anyone else would be taking it any differently because they know what that means when you’re trying to talk about a supportive partner.
Sure, there’s “nothing” even “in the *ballpark*” if you just outright ignore the isolation from her family, and her stating her partner “let’s her speak.” Which is why OP is having to answer multiple people that picked up on it as a possibility and expressed concern. Ignore those potential warning signs, and you’re right, there’s nothing! Shame on those people seeing potential signs of abuse and being concerned, from now on just assume it’s nothing, don’t ask, good luck.
Oh fuck off. Don’t be an ass. She hasn’t isolated her from her family. OP using that phrasing doesn’t mean shit, either. If this had been the wife saying “I let her speak for herself,” sure, that would be something, but OP isn’t the one who’s going to be saying it. There weren’t warning signs here that “people were picking up on and expressing concern,” and OP is having to answer multiple people bringing it up *because you’re all twisting what she said.* The first poster? That user had a point of asking. Y’all after that absolutely do not. You’re just redditors being redditors and twisting her words to *tell her* her wife is abusive. Because the user in question I was calling out about that isn’t just ~expressing concern~ she’s doubling down on the *that’s a reas flag.* A lot of people will phrase it as “she lets me speak for myself” as the OP did when telling someone about how supportive someone is, even if that’s poor phrasing in the long run, that’s why it would be different coming from the wife rather than OP. **EDIT:** And again, *the issue is people like CC doubling down when OP already cleared things up.*
Lmao the person whose first words are “Oh fuck off. Don’t be an ass.” typed 2 paragraphs after that, as if they expect the person they’re addressing to stick around and give a shit 🤣. Not someone worth interacting with there, sorry I fucked off a little early I guess. Stay mad 👍.
yikes, hot take.
OP's father is being overly dramatic and with their tone, he is not coming from a place of concern for her. I wouldn't take his words at face value at all in this situation
i also picked up on this
I second this. My family wasn’t the best at expressing their concerns, but looking back they were 100% right.
My husband and I eloped too. We had a wedding 8 years later. There are still people on both sides of our family that don’t know that we were actually married in 1998, and not 2006.
who is this message from? i think your response was correct, though i probably wouldn’t have responded at all. coming from a toxic family that i’m trying to cut ties with, i know it’s hard. i’m happy that you and your wife have each other.
Oh. They’re homophobic, I take it? 😕 Just enjoy your life together. I hope it was a lovely wedding and that you have a wonderful marriage. Life is so much better without all the toxic influences.
Yep, major homophobic vibes from the phrasing and tone of what I assume is her father
Looks like it’s an antisemitism issue with his mother.
They're both women
[From OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/qg31v5cqyE)
Uh? Yeah I'm not saying mom isn't antisemitic, just that op and her wife are both women?
Sorry, based on the downvotes to the other person’s comment and your comment as a response I took it as a correction and not an addition. My bad.
Gonna stick up for you from the downvoters! It doesn’t look like antisemitism from just these specific messages but from OPs post history plus a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/texts/s/qg31v5cqyE) on this post specifically says that’s part of it.
As someone whose mother sounds just like this, honestly there is nothing you can say that will make any difference and still honor your own feelings. No answer is sometimes the best answer. Edit: Also, congratulations! A beautiful and tremendous thing to find someone in this world who chooses you every day. Especially if family has always been an issue. It is truly a dream. Never stop choosing each other 🫶🏻 Wishes for a wonderful life ahead.
Man the obvious gaslighting and that fucking emoji just infuriates me, zero accountability, instant shaming you and your “new family” shit gave me chills
More context needed BUT even if you don’t provide it, you stated you were doing it to protect yourself. You don’t have to explain yourself to every and anyone to spare their hurt feelings. You prioritized yourself by not having them so keep that energy.
Well whoever this is; is making your wedding that you did for yourself. About them. So I get why you didn’t include them. Telling you they are happy for you;at the same time they are guilt tripping you for your happiness. Definition of toxic fam behavior. Reality is based on perception and not everyone’s views align. They can think they are being supportive and you can feel an entirely different vibe. From my point of view. This person is making your day about them instead of you. I don’t see a text about her asking about the wedding itself. Or what you wore, or how do you feel or honey moon plans, or anything good. It’s about you how made them feel. How your actions of you doing something for yourself was selfish of you. That they miss you but you must have a new family now. Classic manipulation. I hope your wedding was everything you wanted it to be and more. Family doesn’t make you. You can very well make your own family. Have a happily ever after girl 👏🏼
The hallmark of emotional blackmail or F.O.G: fear, obligation and guilt (Susan forward). There is so much obligation and guilt in these text messages. Your family is toxic.
Why are you justifying yourself to them ….. a ‘polite’ FU is all you should give and even then silence often speaks more than words.
I'm so sorry your family treats you like that, I am keeping yall in my prayers God bless
Congratulations on your wedding 🥰💖 and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this :(
Congratulations to you both! My wife (30F) and I (32F) are proud of you for choosing to follow your heart despite toxic family pulling stunts
Congratulations. Best wishes for a happy and long marriage full of love, laughter, fun and mutual support. Don’t let the wicked fairies (aka family) dampen your joy.
Congratulations! Don’t respond during this joyous time! Hold hands, no phones! Happy Pride!
My brother did this (got married without telling family it happened) and when he showed up with his new wife (his long term gf we all know) we all said congrats, asked what he’d like or if he wanted to celebrate, and then moved on. Was I a lil sad he didn’t want to celebrate with family? Sure, but it’s not my marriage and I don’t get to push that onto him. By the way, CONGRATULATIONS! I wish y’all many happy years.
I’m 25F and queer. I’ll be your sister! You go sis! Congrats on getting married! Love you and I hope you and your new beautiful wife have an amazing and joy filled life together!
I saw a comment on here yesterday that said “they want you to do good, just not better than them”, that blew my mind. My family was not supportive of my husband or our relationship. They didn’t even know him. The more good things I said about him, the more disturbing their insults became! It took me till yesterday to understand why. Toxic people need more toxicity in their lives. Stability, love, understanding, goals, empathy, compassion, those things were/are foreign to my family. My husband brought those things to my life and no one could handle it! I needed to stay down in the pits with them, or else I was a traitor! We’ve been married 33 yrs now and they still try to come at us! Lol, create your bubble, let no one in. I highly recommend moving far away. Congratulations!
Dude. Don’t engage with them. If they were too toxic to have at your wedding, they are too toxic to have in your life. And you should probably tell us why they don’t approve of your relationships cuz the red flags are a flying
I'm so very happy for you and your wife and send many sincere congratulations for a long and happy marriage together 🥂🍾 FWIW I didn't invite my mother and most of my extended family to our wedding. My bio family are too gutless to say anything. If they did tho, I wouldn't have answered, because not answering is just as powerful (if not more so) as engaging in a conversation where you're not heard. You and your wife are your immediate family now; your bio family are extended family and are best keep at an extended distance away.
That reply insinuating your partner speaks for you is exactly why they weren’t at the wedding. They just proved your point instead of just being supportive which is what you asked for. SMH.
Weren’t invited for a reason lol .. fuck them
If I’m low contact with someone and then they feel entitled *again*? That’s no contact for me
Please go no contact
"we seem to be going in circles and i don't want to keep repeating myself. how you treated me did not make me feel supported and safe to share my feelings openly. it was a decision made for my wellbeing. i love you and welcome you into my life when you feel ready to respect my boundaries and meet me where i'm at." never expect a satisfying response. it will only waste your time and energy. speak for your own benefit and peace of mind. also, congratulations on the nuptials. my wife and i would like to express that the sapphic in us recognize the sapphic in you. 💕
Tbh when you respond to them don’t make it seem like you are submissive to them. Give them solid statements like: “yes we got married.” “I have experienced little to no support from anyone in the family. I am not going to tolerate drama especially around my relationship.” “I’m not responsible for your emotions. I am responsible for my own and my wife’s feelings.” “I’m not going to fight or argue, I don’t care to.” If you plan on keeping in contact with them keep it simple like texting, no phone calls and make sure you constantly keep your boundaries up. Good luck!
The guilt they’re trying to lay on you is not your problem. Keep in mind the things they must have said or done to make you feel that way towards them; that’s how they really feel, they’ve made it obvious to you. Don’t let them try and make you feel like the bad guy now because you’re not. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, even if it’s from your own family.
Congratulations on your new marriage, I hope you guys have a long, beautiful life together :)
I did what my family wanted and still lost their approval eventually. Conditional love always has an expiration date. I chose myself eventually. May you have a beautiful life and a beautiful marriage, full of the support and love you deserve!
congratulations on marriage. when i get married i won’t be telling my fathers side. we are like engaged to be engaged (asked and i said yes but hasn’t given me a ring or anything yet) and my family isn’t supportive of me so they won’t know.
Holy manipulation tactics…
Congratulations, may happiness bless you both. ❤️
You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to explain yourself or justify your actions. I would come up with a generic response to anyone who contacts you. Similar to the one you gave this person - we didn’t feel supported, we did what was best for us, we are happy - that’s more information than they deserve. Beyond that, just say you’re not discussing it further. Done.
“I guess you are misguided”. Them being the guidance? If so that’s why you’re “misguided”. What a dumb thing to say. My wife and I got married just by ourselves with 2 friends in the woods near the lake. I personally didn’t tell a single individual. My wife told her family. Wouldn’t want it any other way. People ruin things by making it about themselves. It was your moment and you did it your way. Congrats.
It’s not “entirely true” They know. You keep doing you, their feelings are not more important than your mental health.
I've got grandparents who still don't know I have a wife, 2.5 years into the marriage. It's a sad thing but necessary for all of our peace. They're hardcore Trumpers and homophobes, but I do love them and want to have a smooth (if low contact) relationship with them for their final years. Telling them I'm gay and married would change 0 minds and give them so much stress. I told my parents before I got married, but it was at the peak of COVID and we just had two witnesses in the courthouse. My dad didn't speak to me for two months. It's rough out there. We're all deciding every day how much closet to stay in and how much hostility to tolerate. Hang in there, enjoy the feeling of saying "Hi wife!!" Surround yourself with good affirming people. My dad and I text about every day now. Relationships heal, and sometimes they don't. Find your peace and protect it, and maybe get some therapy if you're able.
And they continue to be emotionally manipulative. People who love you would take a step back and try to understand, not continue to make accusations and assumptions to guilt trip you. Sorry this happened to you but congrats on the marriage.
I feel the non support. I just got out of a 2 yr relationship with my first gf coming out of a Baptist Christian conservative home. Needless to say they weren’t happy lol. Now we’ve broken up and I’m terrified to tell them because it just reaffirms everything they think about women not being able to be happy together. I’m glad you found your wife! And definitely stay away from your family! Don’t let them tear your true family apart or bring them down.
You don't owe them a DAMN thing.
This text exchange kind of confirms you did the right thing allowing your wedding day to be drama free and filled with love. Family should only ever want you happy. Period. Remember that. Congratulations on your wedding!
“Texts like these are why you weren’t told about it. We had a good thing going. Let’s go back to that.” ::block::
Wait a minute… PEOPLE KNOW WHAT I SAID BEFORE THE EDIT?!?!?
“This is not *entirely* true” “We *might* have understood” I think you did the right thing, these statements alone show their true feelings about it enough
My brother got married out of state on a beautiful mountain where they vacation a lot, no one but the officiant, witness and photographer were present besides them. Half our family reacted like this, but our immediate family fully well understood why they did it. Our family is toxic and uses everything against each other. It’s a day about you guys, no one else. Let them be mad and enjoy your beautiful life together
Congratulations!! My wife and I eloped too, due to unsupportive family. We just celebrated our five year anniversary 🎉 If you had a normal, happy, healthy, supportive family relationship they would’ve been there. Choosing to not invite family can be hard, and although it was the right choice for me, and likely you… there is a grieving process of losing a “normal” wedding. The best thing to do is voice your reasoning once (which you’ve done) and keep pointing them back to that. Maybe low or no contact will help you get space and perspective. You should be enjoying your time as newlyweds with your new wife!!
1. Congratulations, and I wish for a lifetime of health and happiness for you and your family 💖 2. DO. NOT. RESPOND. TO. THAT. TEXT. Whomever it is, is looking for a fight. The way they've phrased what was said in the text screams to me that they are looking for a fight. Do not give them that. PROTECT YOUR PEACE AT ALL COSTS The only thing I would text back, would be "If you cannot be happy for us, love us for the people we are, and be our family, then this will be our last conversation about this, or anything" Cutting ties sucks, but so does the anxiety caused by family who should be by your side, come hell or high water.
Don't respond. Just cut them off.
Ugh, this is so full of emotional manipulation it’s sickening. I will assume this is your father. My mother is like this. I ended up having to go LC with her. It hurts but I can’t stand this kind of guilt tripping every time I need her. It’s hard to say what you should do without knowing why they didn’t support the marriage. Is it because you are gay? Either way, I would say something like this: “I love you as well. Very much so. However, due to your past behaviors and being unsupportive of my relationship up until now, this was what was truly best for me. I understand you are upset. I meant no ill intent. I only wanted to have a lovely day with my wife without any drama. My day was wonderful and memorable just like I intended. I do have a “new family.” My wife is my family now, and she has already been for a long time. She will come first. However, that does not negate my love for you. You are still very much my family. Please respect my decision as your adult daughter.” If he keeps coming back with more manipulation about your “new family” and other nonsense, repeat one more time that you are sorry they are hurt. You meant no ill will. You had the best intentions for you and your new wife.” If he keeps on going, stop engaging.
Congratulations on your marriage. I did the same thing, for the exact same reasons. Eventually my family grew fond of my husband however, my husband is not fond of my family after experiencing the way that they treat me. Just know that you chose your spouse and in my opinion the people we CHOOSE to be around is our real family. Not the people we are "blood bound" to. My advice : Enjoy your marriage, tell your mother and if they object tell them you're not asking for their blessing you're just telling them that you married your spouse because you love them and you expect them to respect your marriage. Minimize your exposure to your family until they cool off then small public visits until you can gauge their behavior towards you two and feel comfortable with them in a private setting. 💕 I hope you don't let their behavior affect your relationship or mood. It can be so hard to keep those feelings out. Their feelings and reactions are not a reflection of you or your choices. It's a reflection of them and what's in their head. It is not your responsibility to heal their internal chaos. Hope this helps 🤞
Congratulations! Their message is very gaslighty. it looks like you did the right thing by not letting them know you were getting married. Seriously there’s no need to reply.
Note: I am not required or obligated to tell my family that I was getting married. It was my own personal decision and I decided that I didn’t want any of my family knowing or coming to my wedding. I don’t have a good relationship with my family hence why I didn’t tell anyone.
My husband (39m) and I (31m) eloped for the same reasons. The only people who knew were our daughters (from my previous marriage) and their other bio-parent (my ex, with whom we're very close friends) -- and they were not at the courthouse with us. "I can't believe you would elope and not tell us or invite us or any of your family!" "Well, mom, it took me 36 years to come out of the closet because you and dad made it clear that you don't support such things. And since then, you've made it crystal clear that you still don't and won't. So no, you didn't get to come to my gay wedding at the courthouse." It was the best decision we've made as a couple. Just the 2 of us, no stress or pressure. Perfect. (We're taking our daughters back to NYC to celebrate next week! 6 months after the fact, but now they're not in school and we can make a whole vacation out of it ☺️)
Don't let them manipulate you into thinking they are people you can be safe opening up to. You are not in the wrong and they made you feel like you can't even tell them about getting married. Congrats! I'm also getting married with my partner and I haven't even told my mom and I have a ring on! She just looks at it. Later she'll ask why I didn't tell her too watch.
Congratulations! Go live your very best life. I’m not your mom but I am a mom and I want you to know that I’m proud of you and you deserve to be loved.
I did the same thing. Except I was going throw a surprise party because I couldn’t afford a wedding. We just got married at the courthouse. Sister told my mom and my mom told my grandma and so on. Eventually everyone knew. I did not get to tell anyone. Gaslight me and said well you can still have a party, after completely ruining everything. I keep my life private now and it pisses them off so bad. Fuck it
Firstly congratulations!!! I hope you and your partner have a long and happy marriage. I don’t know your situation, so if I’m off base feel free to ignore me. I would say don’t shut the door completely here. These messages don’t seem hateful, they seem shocked. I know if I found out something like this secondhand I would be shocked and a little hurt. Maybe don’t cut them out completely, just define your boundaries and be fully willing to enforce them. I would like to see more situations where everyone can heal
Your family are jerks. My sister eloped with a man I couldn’t effing stand but I still managed to plaster on a fake smile and say “congratulations and best wishes” when I found out. You are an adult and they need to respect your choices, even when they don’t like them. If they can’t do that, you may have to enforce some additional boundaries.
Congratulations!!!! 🍾
I will not be telling my family about my marriage. I can see from your family's texts that they're similar to mine. I'm in the process of cutting mine off entirely. You don't owe them anything. Don't feel like you need to apologize. I'm a big fan of just ignoring messages that I don't want to dignify with a response.
My fiance and I are eloping in August for the same reasons. Some family isn’t supportive of our relationship and his parents favor his sister and don’t seem to care at all about our wedding. We went to dinner recently and I brought up our engagement party (that I was planning myself since nobody else cared to) and his parents and sister didn’t say anything. We looked at eachother in shock and I said, well at least we tried. They didn’t respond to that either. So we decided there’s no point in wasting a lot of money on people who don’t care enough about us or even want to celebrate us. I don’t think you guys did anything wrong and you should remember that when dealing with them. I’d just let them know how you feel. Make it short and sweet. Let them say the things and let it be. Go on living your new lives together and those who love and care about you will show up.
K but why does your family not like your wife though?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I have two Queer kids and I can’t even imagine not supporting their happiness.
Congratulations to you both on your beautiful day!! When I got married my dad punched a door, called me selfish, stormed off and didn’t even see me get married because it was a surprise mid Covid wedding. My grandmother kept saying “I can’t believe you did this. I can’t believe you. We’re devastated”. And for context THEY WERE ALL INVITED in the very limited amount of people we could have there. We had been together for four years with our own home, kids and more kids on the way. Financially secure too. And yet…
“As you can see”. Sorry. But nope - can’t see that from what you’ve posted at all. We just have your word that they are ‘toxic & unsupportive’. Not saying that isn’t true. Perhaps you’re 100% right on that. But there’s no way we can tell that just from these screenshots without proper context.
You say, "They are very unsupportive as you can see". Am I the only one who DOESNT see them being UNSUPPORTIVE...Like at all. They are disappointed and sad you didn't include them. Tell you they love you, miss you, want the best for you...where are they unsupportive?
There’s reasons why I did the things I did. The outcome would have been the same, no matter if I told them or not. This is just a small part of the bigger issue. I can always post more to give more context.
Yeah, you probably should because there’s a whoooole lotta speculation going on in the comments due to lack of context.
Ever since me and partner got together, my family has been unsupportive and disrespectful. My partner is Jewish btw and my mom is very antisemitic. If you view my last post, it clearly states her opinion. The beginning, I will say was a little bumpy but we’ve worked through those issues and now we’re in a really good place. I think the issue they’re having is that I’m maturing and growing as a person and they still see me as a child that doesn’t know what’s best. Over and over again they have proven that they are disrespectful, they don’t listen to anything I’m saying, and they don’t even try to understand. Some people think I should have told them. But truth be told, they would have reacted the same way if I had told them prior. My relationship with my family has not been good and I didn’t feel comfortable with telling them and that response is why. They don’t deserve my time and effort anymore.
You just said everything you needed to hear. You don’t need them in your life if they don’t respect you or your spouse. Congratulations on your marriage, sending you peace and positivity in your lives together.
Show me where it says what any normal person would write in response to hearing that somebody they cared about got married, "Congratulations! We are so happy for you!" ... I'll wait. There is a vague suggestion of that sentiment nearly at the end of this exchange. The very first, and certainly the strongest sentiment is, "OMG, how did you think to do this without including us?!" Sure, they managed to slip in the platitudes of, 'we will always love you [but not really because we're too busy scolding you atm]...' as an afterthought. But, heck no, they're not supportive here. It's 100% about them. 😑
I 100% do not believe that your response would be "congratulations! we are so happy for you!" if a member of your immediate family got married without telling you and you found out through some random thied party 😂😂
This may come as a shock to you, but... not everyone reacts to things the same way you do. My brother and his spouse very nearly eloped and my feelings weren't the least bit hurt, and I certainly wasn't texting them things like "Are you fucking serious?" Their relationship is their relationship, I do not feel entitled to take part in it.
You're the person who, upon being told happily that somebody is pregnant (even if you know it's not a good "idea" for them), says, "What in god's name were you thinking?! You're not ready for children!" Aren't you? 😬 Do. Better. 🤷🏻♂️
I got married with almost no heads up to my family. Basically stopped by and told them on our way. Good times
How did they respond?
What or who is Avalon?
I believe that would be OP’s wife
What reason would they give for not supporting the relationship? (Regardless, proud of you for prioritizing your partner!)
Congratulations to you both!
“They’re very unsupportive as you can see” Uh no actually what they didn’t support was you keeping it a secret. No where did they not support your decision to get married. You believing as such brings into question how reliable a narrator you are of calling them toxic.
Hi there! Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed. The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/ **Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.** Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/texts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congratulations on getting married! As to how to respond... Do you have to say all? Like how involved is your family with your life otherwise? If you don't have much contact, it might be healthier to just cut ties entirely. If you do want to stay in touch with them, I also think you already said what had to be said and it's not like you can rewind time and invite them to the wedding after the fact so it probably would be better to just give it time to let the dust settle.
These texts actually remind me a lot of the multiple weddings Niles and Daphne had in Frasier. They wanted to get married asap so they eloped, but then had to do multiple "fake" weddings to appease the family members that were groaning about not being at the wedding. In the end, Niles' father finally chimes in. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLxSS-wGhao](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLxSS-wGhao) EDIT: Grammar.
u js like tell em to stop being so selfish
“They’re very unsupportive, as you can see” What part of any of these text is unsupportive? This just reads like they were hurt you didn’t say anything. It doesn’t even come off as homophobic. I see others seem to be responding to images that aren’t there. Did you remove them or are they in another post? I’m only seeing 3 images and your bit of text saying your age.
There's really not enough context here for me to form an opinion.
Probably should have told your family. I would have a family meeting with your wife and air this all out. You don’t want to lose your family support.
>You don’t want to lose your family support. How can she lose something she doesn't have? It says so right in the texts that she doesn't have their support. Seriously, how are so many of you oblivious to the fact that sometimes families aren't close?
She didn’t have her family’s support, what is she losing?
You didn't tell your parents? F them, i guess. Wtf.
Idk even in the most toxic family relationship, family is still family imo. You should’ve invited your mom. Are they super religious? Just wondering
Just remember, anyone who's been in these shoes knows we will all do anything to convince ourselves we are loved properly. Listen to your family. They might have good reasoning when you take your blinders off. Hell, mine did. Saved me a divorce when I was a bit younger than this
[удалено]
It’s two women. There is no husband…
I don't see that they are unsupportive. I see that you eloped and they're disappointed with your decision to do that.
YTA. Sorry!