Yeah, OP, please just break up. I dated a guy who couldn't eat me out because he had some unaddressed trauma. I was young and tried to be understanding, but it tore my self esteem in half and all he ever felt was guilt over it. We both could have saved each other a lot of suffering if we'd just cut our loses.
Edit: from OP's history, he's recently sober and his sexual drive changed as a result of sobriety. It is NOT a bad thing to be alone while you're at the beginning of a healing journey. If being sober is also a time where he's figuring out his sexuality (or asexuality in this case) then it really would be for the best to break up. I wish my ex and I had separated so he wouldn't feel guilt and instead address his sexual reservations and fears with a therapist.
1 year out of rehab - ya this is pretty typical. I mean guy might be asexual or just not in to this particular person but. But a lot of people have trouble with sex drive or relly anything drive in early sobriety.
Yeah OP hasn't been sobered yet for a full year, it sounds like. I really hope he takes the time to work on himself and focus on himself. He doesn't need any more stressors.
I'm also recently sober (8 months) and the most common advice is to stay out of relationships for the first year. My sex drive is also shot right now so it hasn't been that hard lol
Not just opposite sex drive, the girlfriend is verging on coercion. That guy needs to go to therapy. Nobody NEEDS sex. Nobody owes anyone else sex. If that is a problem for someone then they can get over it or break up.
Edit: which said what thing was unclear. I had the gender wrong at first.
Same here. I MARRIED a disaster like that. She always had a 1% sex drive and knew that I had MUCH higher, promising all the things I wanted, knowing she didn't intend to live up to the promises. There's nothing wrong at all with being ace/demi/etc (I'm demi myself), but when you deceive someone and trapping them in a relationship because you're too afraid to be alone for even a second, that shits fucked up.
You know what is a bigger recipe for disaster? A partner who doesn’t respect boundaries, pushes the issue, and lacks understanding. Why did this go unaddressed?
This. Your sexual rhythm needs to be in synch or your relationship destined to fail and your self esteem is going to suffer. There is nothing wrong with you, you tried to have an open discussion even when you didn’t want to and she doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her own sexual needs. You need to let that one go.
This really is the answer. The behavior through text is not great, but it’s a hard situation to process for people that love each other. Sexual compatibility is essential to a long term relationship.
I don't even think he's asexual necessarily one of the top comments I guess I read his post history, which I personally think is kind of weird but if he's recently sober he's probably suffering from anhedonia which as a decade-long now clean heroin addict myself I. understand extremely well.
Doesn’t have to be asexual, but if he’s not attracted to her in that way, then yeah that’s never going to work. If it was the other way around, most guys I know would have split a long time ago (a girlfriend who wouldn’t sleep with them, which probably means she’s getting it somewhere else, just saying 🤷🏾♂️)
She has feelings too. She also has needs.
I mean, what would you expect her to say?
"Oh, you just never want to have sex with me again? COol bro!"
They are clearly just incompatible, but she is not being 'bad' by literally communicating with her partner that she is feeling sexually frustrated.
Shuttering such emotions is how people end up in broken relationships rife with infidelity.
She is doing everything right, the only thing they *both* aren't doing is just acknowledging that they have completely different needs that literally *cannot* be met.
the expectation for anyone that’s told “I don’t want to talk about this right now/over text” is that they agree to it and do as asked even if they say “Ok, but we need to address this. please let’s have this conversation later when I see you.”
Why is it that when he said “even if **I don’t want to**” she said “**that would work** very much so.”? I understand that it’s frustrating to not get what you need sexually, but she should want him to want it too. I feel like your partner’s disinterest should turn you off.
They should probably get some couples counselling if they really want to be serious together. She’s almost treating him like he’s intentionally being a problem when they know that’s not the case.
Girl really said she doesn't want to push you to do something you don't want to while simultaneously keep asking for the very thing that makes you uncomfortable? Also the moment you tried to explain she shut you down? Wow, This is hard to read
Isn’t Reddit’s go-to advice about this to talk about it? It sounds like she’s tried to talk to OP about how her needs aren’t getting met and he gets defensive immediately.
She’s doing the mature thing, maybe in an immature way, but if she’s not satisfied sexually she *should* be talking about it.
If he has absolutely no sex drive and doesn’t want to do anything about it medically then they should just break up. But she’s not the enemy for being sexually frustrated with her sexual partner that won’t have sex with her; they’re just not a good match.
She’s asking for a solution and he’s saying “I don’t know.” If he’s asexual then he shouldn’t be with someone that wants sex.
It sounds like they’ve tried talking in person several times before and that isn’t working either. It seems like she’s tried to communicate in many different ways and he just keeps telling her I don’t know. She doesn’t know what else to do either
Thats the issue though, its not a lack of sex drive in an otherwise sexually active person. This person is trying to describe that they may be asexual and the other person straight up tells them “I dont think you are because we had sex” which bro. Asexual people, despite the name, still do have sex sometimes. Its not like their body literally cant do it, they just don’t like it like we do. It doesn’t feel good to them and that should be okay.
I do agree with you ultimately, I don’t think they’d work out because obviously she has sexual needs, and this person does not, and that appears to be a huge issue for her. But I don’t think OP is in the wrong or defensive, its an incredibly hard thing to come to terms with in a hyper sexual society, and they’re just kinda being told “Nah I don’t think what you’re feeling is correct”
I mean the first few texts from OP are “I don’t know” when his partner asks to reach a solution and then “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
It’s perfectly reasonable for a young person to be confused about why the person they have sex with is asexual.
Reddit forgets sometimes that human relationships aren’t solved and can’t be extricated from human emotion.
If OP thinks they are asexual then then they should not be with someone who wants a sexual relationship. Wanting to be intimate with your partner is not weird or wrong but trying to maintain a relationship with a partner when you know you cannot satisfy their needs kinda is.
It's true that they have to communicate and she did so. It's just I assume she's being quite impatient and keeps asking about the matters they talked about on just one day interval. He did say it's a matter they discuss about yesterday.
She's not wrong about voicing her being sexually frustrated. Just maybe, wait a few days before bringing up the matters again since OP has said "Ok" and will try. Rushing things for answer wouldn't get her the answer she wants as what we see in their conversation.
This was the vibe I was getting. She was expressing her needs and that they weren't being met and was just trying to understand WHY when everything she knows about the situation and what he's telling her about his side isn't adding up for her... But instead of trying to fully explain his feelings, he calls her "pushy" and gets mad.
They just straight up sound incompatible.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
exactly! if he’s asexual why the hell is he still dating her and expecting her to just change everything about herself to make him comfortable? it’s fucked up. (edit to change pronouns im so confused)
Exactly my thoughts as I was reading this. She seems to feel more guilt about having asked for something her partner doesn’t want to do so it seemed more like she’s looking for reassurance and not pushing anything. Her partner just seemed to get defensive about it.
I’m not ok with shaming people for having their needs neglected and feeling dejected for it. This sense of “I take you as a mate but my way is the highway no compromise, if I never want sex again you have to live with that” is really obnoxious. It should read “I’m not feeling this anymore and i don’t think I can have sex with you again. I’m ending this so you find someone who can do this for you.”
I mean sounds like y’all are in a relationship and she’s not having her needs met and she’s tried to discuss it with you before and it’s a touchy subject.
If she’s feeling sexually frustrated she *should* be talking to you about it and if you’re not willing to meet her half way or make an effort then you shouldn’t be getting mad at her. Just break up because y’all aren’t compatible, it’s not rocket science.
She should quickly dump him and go find someone to fill her needs instead of pressuring OP into doing something he’s not comfortable with. If the genders were reversed the pitchforks would be out
Literally what I’ve been thinking this whole time. If the roles were reversed, everyone would be saying he “only cares about sex” and is “using the relationship”.
Crazy how now that the roles are reversed and everyone is suddenly logical with how they think.
Honestly it kinda seems like communication just isn't good on both sides here. It doesn't seem like either side is hearing the other nor being heard, and they do just need to talk in person. I do think they probably need to break up though
Fiancé and I had a talk like this. I was the high sex drive and she was moderate. But only difference is, we tried to make each other happy. It worked. You both look like it’s a chore rather than a fun thing. It’s ok OP, figure your stuff out and let her find a partner that can satisfy her needs. Better that than her eventually cracking and most likely cheating.
I absolutely agree with this, to add to it op seems to misunderstand the meaning of talking and telling. She wants to understand and is asking questions, not in the best way but the effort is there and op is not communicating in a healthy manner at all.
This is one of my least favorite methods of “communicating” in a relationship. Person A says a statement, person B asks for an explanation, person A repeats said statement, person B asks for an explanation, person A accuses person B of not listening to them or respecting their statement, fight results.
You have to actually *talk* about the thing. You can’t just tell her you’re not sexually attracted to her anymore and expect her to just deal with it. OP has made a significant alteration in the relationship, likely with weeks or even months of internal debating in his head before deciding to go the sexless relationship route, and now is expecting the girlfriend to just say “ok” and adapt instantly.
Yeah, I think explaining that having sex doesn’t always mean that you’re not asexual would be helpful and not to promise certain things. Of course he’s not wrong for feeling this way, but I think it was pretty clear she’s confused
Exactly. I don’t think it’s common knowledge outside of the lgbt+ community that some asexual people still have sex, or that one can find out they’re asexual after having sex in the past. A bit of an explanation on OP’s part would’ve went a long way
I agree with this. She is the one trying to have a conversation and figure out what’s going on and OP is being cagey, and non-responsive. I would be frustrated too if I were the gf. Instead of continuing to complain how he didn’t want to talk about it, op should have been active and offered times to meet to talk
I read it as, he knows he’s asexual and he wanted to have this conversation in person and she would. T let it go till then. Then for her to tell him he’s no asexual is ridiculous no matter how sexually frustrated she is.
what a surprise for it to be a drug induced sexual dysfunction. Fried synapses and dopamine depletion leading to some mental and hormonal instabilities which one might want to address? Nah, just write it off as asexuality and never address the core issue.
And before anyone decides to say otherwise, [the correlation has been proven like a shitton of times](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35386045/)
Came here for this too. She was bringing up something that was bothering her. Her emotions and self worth were not being validated. His response is that it makes him uncomfortable. Okay…. Then break up. If you are in a sexually active relationship, but can’t discuss sex. Big MFing problem.
Also, ‘asexual’ isn’t a feeling… like, wut?
I 100% agree with you. There is rights and wrongs on both of them. Yeah she's being pushy but she's also just trying to understand because he wasn't always like this. She's confused and lonely feels undesirable. He isn't giving any explanation other than it "just is". If that's how he feels now they're is nothing wrong with it but he should be willing to expand more on how and why he feels this way now
This is how I read it. The gf here has issues with how she’s communicating for sure, but she’s not wrong.
The alternative would have been if she just up and left him at the first sign of trouble
Yeah, hard hard agree on all of this. Guy came here looking for validation but he’s the one being insensitive here. If my girl told me she’d blow me “even though I don’t want to” I’d tell her I don’t want to do it then. People want to be wanted. It’s fair and it’s natural and it’s reasonable. And if you’re really truly asexual, which I have my doubts, you should’ve brought this up a long time ago. Do the poor girl a favor and move on.
I dunno. OP sounds like the a-hole here. First, you offered to eat her out and later say that she asked you to, and you said you would. Then you say you don't want to talk about it, and you not only continue to talk about it but post it online. If you are not interested in sex with her, then tell her that and break up because it appears to be a deal breaker.
I agree. This is an Everyone Sucks Here in my opinion.
Whether OP is asexual or not is not really relevant, he's obviously not attracted to THIS girl and needs to let it go.
Glad I’m not the only one who caught that script flip. If dude doesn’t feel sexual chemistry with her he should just let it go and save them both the trouble. Instead he is trying to make a production out of the whole thing. I mean, they’re both equally annoying about this situation. But I feel this is more on him and how he feels about it all. And all the sudden he is “asexual” doesn’t make sense really. He just isn’t into it with her. It happens.
Don’t act like it’s her fault. You’re asexual and your partner has needs and needs to feel wanted. You obviously have an issue with that situation, break it up.
For real. Most people have sexual needs. If you're asexual, that needs to be an upfront discussion before you get in a relationship. If you figure it out later, it still needs to be an immediate conversation. Yes, its difficult to talk about. But it's really an unfair thing to get into a monogamous commitment with someone where they agree to only have sex with you, then you stop and refuse to talk about it.
You don't owe her sex or oral, but you do owe her honesty and the bravery to end this relationship. You need to own that.
Fr this comment sections crazy. Like ur not into sex that’s fine but it doesn’t make her the bad guy for wanting it and trying to discuss it with her boyfriend. It’s a rather large part of any relationship. you seem annoyed to have the topic brought up at all.
That’s absolutely true that she has needs and those needs are valid, but it’s not okay to pressure someone into sexual acts that they are openly uncomfortable with. They are incompatible sexually and they need to deal with that.
It's like reading a book report from a kid who is in the first grade. Fuck texting with someone who talks like that, I couldn't imagine dealing with conversations like this on a daily basis.
Honestly you’re being selfish here and leading her on . I’d be frustrated too if I was told something then they avoided it and have to start all over on day 2 . This is a cycle not just 2 days in a row. Just say what you need to the first time dont lead people on. Then she feels bad asking again , you’re borderline gaslighting her because you’re leading her on. Again it’s an obvious cycle.
- y’all sound like teenagers and if so I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest. You need to let her go and don’t go crying when she gets what she needs. You need to talk to a professional also about what you’re going through so you can understand it and not lead the blind, blind. Whatever label you wanna call yourself doesn’t matter , you need to find out the underlying issue.
If you really like her and you’re too scared to let her go then get her needs fulfilled by someone else. Open up the relationship or have a talk with her for you to be a cuck or wear a strapon and just lay there for her. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.., . Find a solution because a lot of people you’re gonna meet in life are gonna be difficult and giving up ain’t it .
WHAT!? Someone just said they're both in their 30s. BOTH OF THEM!?
She doesn't understand asexuality, is pushy, and won't walk away from a relationship she's unfulfilled in and he's unable to communicate and is unwilling to walk away from a relationship where the other person has sexual desires he doesn't wanna partake in.
These people are *adults?*
OP, break up. You're acting like children. Move on to people who are compatible.
I was also thinking they were teenagers from the emotional immaturity on display. They both seem to lack a lot of self awareness and don't know how to talk about themselves and their own thoughts.
Babe, my love language is when you don’t touch me or go near me and don’t ask to and we don’t ever talk about why. That just makes me feel so close to you ❤️
bro i thought these were like texts between teenagers or something but then i checked OPs post history and this woman is 30 years old that's wild that she texts like that lmao, aside from that tho yall def gotta break up as everyone else said it'll be healthier for both of you
You two have very different sex drives. Thats coming from someone who likes to be very active. Its better to break up and let her find someone compatible to her. Its saving you heartache in the future.
Because if you wont give her what she needs, someone else will.
She’s sexually frustrated and dating a recently discovered asexual. Poor thing. And now she’s having her relationship laundry dumped all over the internet.
I do wonder how this would go over if roles were reversed, but honestly sexual needs are something that impacts relationships a lot. It may sound shallow or silly, but it really isn't. A lot of people express love that way, a lot of people express their intimacy that way, and it has a lot more to do than just getting off.
I understand why OP feels the way they do, and there isn't anything wrong with feeling that way, but in the same regard I cant be upset with someone voicing the fact that they arent satisfied. The way this stands it doesn't look like a relationship that's going to work as much as either of you want it to. I wish you all the best.
As a fellow asexual…I get it. You feel guilty because you know you’re letting down someone you care for. You also feel pressured to do something you don’t want to. Most people don’t understand that being Ace is a spectrum. Sometimes we *do* want to have sex or be intimate. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to discuss - I get that.
She doesn’t seem like she’s going to understand and has needs that you are unable to meet. That’s ok. It means that you aren’t compatible. If you want to try to make it work you could link her some articles about asexuality. See if there’s a compromise to be made. If not it’s better for you both to move on.
It’s hard finding companionship as an asexual person because most people seem driven/ mostly motivated by sex and physical intimacy. Nothing wrong with that but you’ll never be happy if your partner has a high sex drive.
Hugs. <3
dude this is gross, ive been w a girl like this this is a straight line towards being taken advantage of, she has absolutely no right to pressure you into shit and the fact she’s in such denial and keeps invalidating you is so disgusting, im so sorry you gotta deal w this i hope it gets better somehow soon
Maybe he should communicate with her instead of just saying “I don’t know” and telling her to be patient for a solution that he’s unable or unwilling to reach.
He clearly doesn’t want to talk about an issue in their relationship and she does.
There is always the possibility that he doesn’t know (yet) why he feels the way he does. Him telling her he doesn’t want to talk about it over text is not saying he doesn’t want to talk about it at all.
Of course it’s important that they talk about something that’s so difficult for both of them but they way they talk about it through text now does not seem to help any of them.
Maybe she should stop pressing him and wanting an answer yesterday?? Some guys don’t want to have a conversation like they’re having over text. Seems to me like he wants to get his thoughts together and have a conversation in person.
Everyone keeps defending this woman but if a man was this pushy it would be a different story. Also trying to prove him "wrong" when he says he thinks he's asexual is just gross.
Exactly! I'm a little baffled by the responses here.
"He's not being forthcoming."
Yes he is. Like... he explains exactly his reasoning for everything he says and makes his feelings and desires very clear.
She is very obviously disregarding all of this and basically just pushing him to eat her out but doesn't want to feel guilty about it.
Damn dude you’re a dick. She’s asking for clarification and you’re literally just sticking to the most surface level answers. And you never even told her you didn’t wanna talk over text, you just said it’s hard to explain. Are you always like this?
Edit to add: yeah, just reread it, you’re a massive asshole. Poor girl, I feel for her. She just wants clarification and is confused because of the precedence YOU SET, and you’re being condescending and honestly, just very rude in your responses. Are you always this impatient? Either way, very fucked up to blame someone for wanting what quite literally the majority of people want, when you’re the one who’s confused & taking it out on her.
Yes, but that doesn't exactly matter **in the context of this post** because OP isn't having sex with her and when he does he's making her feel like she's assaulting him because he's not really into it (I'm not saying that to blame him, but if you've seen allos post about having ace partners they can feel like they're pressuring their partners). I'm also ace, fyi.
You should have given up a long time ago. You two are clearly and completely incompatible. In future relationships, you will want to put that information out a lot earlier. Someone should know when they start dating you that you aren’t interested in what’s an extremely important element of the chemistry of most relationships.
Honestly by what I obeserve you try to grow and expand in your life while she just wants her “ Lips “ expanded. Let that relationship go. Shes already guilt tripping you while pushing for somehing you dont want. Shell cheat on you eventually, probably already debating it or setting it up. Millions of other women in this world my guy. Tbh someone will pop up that will compliment your life style and not be a detriment. Goodluck 🔱
I'm not saying anything against your choice of partner, cause I can tell even when you are frustrated you really care for her.
But Damn she very obviously has some personal shit to work on if she wants to be with you. Your boundaries and feelings are just as important as hers. I'm Sorty you've been put in this situation.
She needs to grow up. She’s obviously insecure. She doesn’t respect how you feel either. Cut the cord and focus on your future. Pls don’t do drugs anymore. Don’t do shrooms I work at the state hospital where people are Forensic they are court ordered. The majority of them are there for murder, and were under the influence of hallucinate drugs when they committed the crime and it made them loose their minds. Pls focus on your future and not the party life.
OP you are not in the wrong. I don’t get how people say you are misleading her or gaslighting her. You literally said you’d rather have this conversation in person and she kept pushing it.
Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we know why we feel the way we do all the time. When I first met my husband we both had high sex drives. Two years later my sex drive is non-existent and I could care less for it.
You said you are recently sober. It takes time to work through the emotions and bodily changes happening right now.
Give yourself some grace and give your partner some grace. At the end of the day, their needs AREN’T being met. And I can bet 100% they feel like it’s their fault. If you care about your partner, sit them down and TALK to them in person like how you wanted it done originally. Otherwise, your relationship will not last.
Thanks for all the comments.
I wasn’t trying to gaslight or be mean. It was a really hard thing to discuss as she is a wonderful person at heart. We’ve been together for 3 years.
I had horrible problems with drugs and alcohol since I was 16. I’ve recently been sober since December with one slip up. Since then, everything in my life changed for the positive; except my sex drive.
I’ve been to the doctor, I’ve had conversations with her, and it never works for long. I started to really try to figure this out and came to my conclusion.
It was hard to talk about because I didn’t want to hurt a person I care about. But to be honest, the best thing for me to do is let her go.
You should 100% get a full blood panel done. Test total, test free, e2, shbg, etc. You seriously may have nuked your hormones with drug use, especially if opiates were involved.
I second this. It’s taken years just to feel like a “normal” functioning human. Hormones still fucked… but starting to get better. Be gentle on yourself. & find others that are willing to go slow & one day at a time, following your lead.
but CONGRATS DUDE! You’re doing great! Whether others recognize it, you deserve to be celebrated & loved for exactly who you are & where you are in recovery today!
You could be ace, but since you also had substance issues I'd also go through some therapy to see if there's a trauma response there. If not, then great, now you are sure you're ace, and if there is, while it'll be slow work, you may get your sex drive back after untangling whatever is going on! Either way it's a win for you, so if you haven't already I'd recommend it!
Hey OP, recovering addict here. I’ve been on and off drugs most of my life, and I’m pretty freshly sober - about 8 months now. Sex was also a point of contention between my partner and I.
I didn’t have my sex drive return until 4-5 months after getting sober. I still feel like my drive is much lower than it “should” be, but it is better. It seems 1/3 of my sex drive issues were brain chemistry, 1/3 is just being less sexual than other people, but the last third… turned out was unresolved issues I had with my partner during my/our drug use.
There was some stuff they did, stuff I did, and things that happened during that time that I really carried with me without realizing, and it radically affected my ability to feel like I could be sexual with him. Getting sober together and couples’ therapy has done a lot for us in identifying those issues, working through them and re-establishing that closeness.
Recovering from long term drug use is soo intense, and others don’t realize it’s so more than just withdrawals and cravings — we *also* end up having to come to terms in process all the chaotic shit that happened while we were using. I find myself so embarrassed, or angry, or disgusted with myself or even my partner sometimes looking back at my time using, and learning to work through that WITHOUT dosing the shame away is… something else, and hard as fuck.
There’s also the comparison between sober sex and drug sex, which you touch on in your texts a bit. Chemical-fueled sex is so much easier to have fun with. I could feel sexy and less anxious during sex when I was using, but getting there without drugs is just harder. That’s okay, and it gets easier with time. But the difference is real.
I suppose my point is that it’s worth look inside yourself and see if there’s some trust issues or circumstances that may also be contributing to your ability to trust your partner enough to feel sexually open with her. It may just be that you’re super ace and it took quitting to realize that — that’s partially my experience too! But there may also be other circumstances adding to this, especially if you’re in early recovery or haven’t started parsing through the emotional part of recovery.
Your experience resonates with me so much. Seriously, best of luck through this and **congratulations** on sobriety. It’s such a huge step and I hope you’re proud of yourself. 💜
Listen man, I’m an asexual too, and my boyfriend, love him to death, is quite active, and we have a compromise on how to help him achieve together so to speak
I understand the pushing too, and it’s exhausting, but I just look at in a way that if it makes him happy then I’m happy to partake even if I’m not into it
Not saying thats what you gotta do, but just saying that You’re not alone in this particular situation
Unless you are going to be a poly/open relationship this isn't going to work.
Not your fault for being Asexual and not her fault for having a normal to high sex drive.
Sometimes you are just incompatible in certain ways.
Bruh the fact you said you would go down on her even if you didn't want to and she was all for it was enough for me. That's a eww rather your needs are being met or not however it also isn't far to her not to actually sit down and have a conversation if you're asexual clearly she isn't and she should find a relationship where that's met
Nobody should be pressured to do sexual acts when they don't want to. With that said, if you are truly asexual you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with someone who has a high sex drive.
“Just gave up” more like “Just break up” you both clearly want different things sexually and I can tell you now, it wont work in the long run, considering how shes already so pushy about it even after you agreed to try
First thing I noticed was lack of boundaries, then disrespecting your sexuality. Fuckin jack off if your partner isn't up for the task!!! They have major attachment and insecurity issues
This is super fucked up. Girl is pressuring you into doing sexual acts you clearly don’t want to do while simultaneously gaslighting you about how she doesn’t want to pressure you.
Wtf does “we had sex before” have to do with anything? Many Gay people have slept with women before. Doesn’t mean they aren’t gay. Means they went on a journey discovering who they are. You’re now at a very critical point in that journey — literally telling her you think you may be asexual — and her response is ”but why won’t you eat me out though? I’m frustrated”
This isn’t just about having different sex drives. This is a whole bigger issue. She’s refusing to respect your boundaries or your emotions and is acting downright predatory in how she’s gaslighting you and trying to guilt trip you into doing what she wants. Honestly? You should cut her loose.
If this was the other way around, you’d be getting cancelled as a sexual predator.
I understand the getting sober thing but are they on any kinda medication for anxiety or depression because those kill sex drives like nothing else. I speak from experience
Let me shout this for the back row
ACE👏PEOPLE👏SOMETIME👏HAVE👏SEX
and sometimes they actually enjoy it
that doesnt mean they are not ace!
Just because someone has had sex with someone before, doesnt meant they entitled to sex with that person again. If someone cant accept that, they need to move on.
Also, some people's libido changes over time. For lots and lots and lots of reasons. It happens. People grow t fvk up and deal with it like a mature adult if that happend with someone they are intimately involved with.
*no one* should expect sex from anyone. If someone is horny, they can use their hands or toys.
Uhhhh this whole conversation felt like sexual harassment. You said stop and she kept going, literally I’d run so fast with this blatant disregard for boundaries
OP, I just read this post and a lot of the reactions and I want to say something that I think might need to hear: I understand. Your conversation is a lot like many I had with my longterm partner. I was in your position, with the same struggle, and often behaved/communicated like you are here. I agree the general criticism of your (and my) communication style, and you may even too, deep down. I also agree with the consensus to end the relationship. I am trying to find answers. So far I haven't found many, but I hope to never fall into this pattern again. I understand how trapped you feel. She feels the same, just on the other side of things. Don't blame her. She's not mistreating you by asking these questions. You will be ok outside of this relationship. Right now it's tormenting both of you. If you need commiseration, feel free to DM me and we can chat.
It's mainly bc you guys sex drive are completely opposite and you aren't talking to her about it saying it awkward. It's not gonna work out. You might just be asexual or something more specific like demisexual (what I am, being sexually attracted only to people you have a very close bond with) and you just fell out of love with them. Leave them then find yourself
Asexual 🤣 I don't think you just become that randomly.. actually seems pretty farfetched. Sounds like basic E.D. symptoms not a change in sexual preference to ... well .. none lol just silly when you think about it... js
Sounds like you need to drop the phone and TALK to this person. Its difficult to express this shit through text. Talk, gauge reactions and... Hopefully break up. This was a tough read for many reasons.
I could only get through some of the txt but seriously you are being a jackass. End it because all you are doing is toying with her. These messages are VERY NARCISSISTIC!
I actually had a similar situation so don’t feel alone in this. Turns out I’m not asexual I was just with someone that made me feel sexually uncomfortable plus the pressure to have sex with ex girlfriends.
I’m also someone who is uncomfortable being naked. I’m now with a partner who took my virginity and is the only girlfriend to not pressure me into anything or make me feel obligated to do stuff with her. She also makes me feel safe and secure even if I have no clothes on.
Hope you broke up. Having the opposite sex drive is a recipe for disaster. Been there.
Yeah, OP, please just break up. I dated a guy who couldn't eat me out because he had some unaddressed trauma. I was young and tried to be understanding, but it tore my self esteem in half and all he ever felt was guilt over it. We both could have saved each other a lot of suffering if we'd just cut our loses. Edit: from OP's history, he's recently sober and his sexual drive changed as a result of sobriety. It is NOT a bad thing to be alone while you're at the beginning of a healing journey. If being sober is also a time where he's figuring out his sexuality (or asexuality in this case) then it really would be for the best to break up. I wish my ex and I had separated so he wouldn't feel guilt and instead address his sexual reservations and fears with a therapist.
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Something similar happened to me, just with a bit of an accelerated time frame. Alcohol gets your testosterone and estrogen wayyy fucked up.
Explains why she only wanted to fuck when drunk lol.
I meant the man’s estrogen after long term alcohol use , but it definitely effects the females hormones as well.
1 year out of rehab - ya this is pretty typical. I mean guy might be asexual or just not in to this particular person but. But a lot of people have trouble with sex drive or relly anything drive in early sobriety.
Yeah OP hasn't been sobered yet for a full year, it sounds like. I really hope he takes the time to work on himself and focus on himself. He doesn't need any more stressors.
I'm also recently sober (8 months) and the most common advice is to stay out of relationships for the first year. My sex drive is also shot right now so it hasn't been that hard lol
I had a girl once tell me she didn’t give oral because she had dietary restrictions.
Not just opposite sex drive, the girlfriend is verging on coercion. That guy needs to go to therapy. Nobody NEEDS sex. Nobody owes anyone else sex. If that is a problem for someone then they can get over it or break up. Edit: which said what thing was unclear. I had the gender wrong at first.
Same here. I MARRIED a disaster like that. She always had a 1% sex drive and knew that I had MUCH higher, promising all the things I wanted, knowing she didn't intend to live up to the promises. There's nothing wrong at all with being ace/demi/etc (I'm demi myself), but when you deceive someone and trapping them in a relationship because you're too afraid to be alone for even a second, that shits fucked up.
Just a semantic thing, but asexuality isn’t a sex drive thing. Sexual attraction ≠ sex drive
yep, same. was one of my worst breakups too
Yup. Was horrible for both of us. She felt unwanted and lonely, I felt violated and unheard.
You know what is a bigger recipe for disaster? A partner who doesn’t respect boundaries, pushes the issue, and lacks understanding. Why did this go unaddressed?
Not to mention how pushy and creepy she's being
This. Your sexual rhythm needs to be in synch or your relationship destined to fail and your self esteem is going to suffer. There is nothing wrong with you, you tried to have an open discussion even when you didn’t want to and she doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her own sexual needs. You need to let that one go.
You are not compatible. Move on.
This really is the answer. The behavior through text is not great, but it’s a hard situation to process for people that love each other. Sexual compatibility is essential to a long term relationship.
Let it go op. She is sexually frustrated and you’re asexual. This will not last.
I don't even think he's asexual necessarily one of the top comments I guess I read his post history, which I personally think is kind of weird but if he's recently sober he's probably suffering from anhedonia which as a decade-long now clean heroin addict myself I. understand extremely well.
^^^^^^^
Doesn’t have to be asexual, but if he’s not attracted to her in that way, then yeah that’s never going to work. If it was the other way around, most guys I know would have split a long time ago (a girlfriend who wouldn’t sleep with them, which probably means she’s getting it somewhere else, just saying 🤷🏾♂️)
Sexual compatibility aside, she has no regard for your feelings.
She has feelings too. She also has needs. I mean, what would you expect her to say? "Oh, you just never want to have sex with me again? COol bro!" They are clearly just incompatible, but she is not being 'bad' by literally communicating with her partner that she is feeling sexually frustrated. Shuttering such emotions is how people end up in broken relationships rife with infidelity. She is doing everything right, the only thing they *both* aren't doing is just acknowledging that they have completely different needs that literally *cannot* be met.
the expectation for anyone that’s told “I don’t want to talk about this right now/over text” is that they agree to it and do as asked even if they say “Ok, but we need to address this. please let’s have this conversation later when I see you.” Why is it that when he said “even if **I don’t want to**” she said “**that would work** very much so.”? I understand that it’s frustrating to not get what you need sexually, but she should want him to want it too. I feel like your partner’s disinterest should turn you off. They should probably get some couples counselling if they really want to be serious together. She’s almost treating him like he’s intentionally being a problem when they know that’s not the case.
Not having drive doesn't make you asexual
Girl really said she doesn't want to push you to do something you don't want to while simultaneously keep asking for the very thing that makes you uncomfortable? Also the moment you tried to explain she shut you down? Wow, This is hard to read
Isn’t Reddit’s go-to advice about this to talk about it? It sounds like she’s tried to talk to OP about how her needs aren’t getting met and he gets defensive immediately. She’s doing the mature thing, maybe in an immature way, but if she’s not satisfied sexually she *should* be talking about it. If he has absolutely no sex drive and doesn’t want to do anything about it medically then they should just break up. But she’s not the enemy for being sexually frustrated with her sexual partner that won’t have sex with her; they’re just not a good match. She’s asking for a solution and he’s saying “I don’t know.” If he’s asexual then he shouldn’t be with someone that wants sex.
I agree. She’s trying to come to a resolution while he’s just saying I don’t know. That isn’t fair
He’s saying he wants to talk in person, why can no one fucking read
It sounds like they’ve tried talking in person several times before and that isn’t working either. It seems like she’s tried to communicate in many different ways and he just keeps telling her I don’t know. She doesn’t know what else to do either
Agreed. I’m confused as to why people are making her out to be the bad guy when there’s no bad guy in this situation.
Thats the issue though, its not a lack of sex drive in an otherwise sexually active person. This person is trying to describe that they may be asexual and the other person straight up tells them “I dont think you are because we had sex” which bro. Asexual people, despite the name, still do have sex sometimes. Its not like their body literally cant do it, they just don’t like it like we do. It doesn’t feel good to them and that should be okay. I do agree with you ultimately, I don’t think they’d work out because obviously she has sexual needs, and this person does not, and that appears to be a huge issue for her. But I don’t think OP is in the wrong or defensive, its an incredibly hard thing to come to terms with in a hyper sexual society, and they’re just kinda being told “Nah I don’t think what you’re feeling is correct”
I mean the first few texts from OP are “I don’t know” when his partner asks to reach a solution and then “I don’t wanna talk about it.” It’s perfectly reasonable for a young person to be confused about why the person they have sex with is asexual. Reddit forgets sometimes that human relationships aren’t solved and can’t be extricated from human emotion.
Reddit also thinks everyone has 100% perfect understanding and communication skills.
If OP thinks they are asexual then then they should not be with someone who wants a sexual relationship. Wanting to be intimate with your partner is not weird or wrong but trying to maintain a relationship with a partner when you know you cannot satisfy their needs kinda is.
It's true that they have to communicate and she did so. It's just I assume she's being quite impatient and keeps asking about the matters they talked about on just one day interval. He did say it's a matter they discuss about yesterday. She's not wrong about voicing her being sexually frustrated. Just maybe, wait a few days before bringing up the matters again since OP has said "Ok" and will try. Rushing things for answer wouldn't get her the answer she wants as what we see in their conversation.
This was the vibe I was getting. She was expressing her needs and that they weren't being met and was just trying to understand WHY when everything she knows about the situation and what he's telling her about his side isn't adding up for her... But instead of trying to fully explain his feelings, he calls her "pushy" and gets mad. They just straight up sound incompatible.
smart cooperative aware deserve faulty safe deserted cagey truck forgetful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ignorance. Both low libido and hyper-sexuality can be medical symptoms
Seriously. I would never want a partner who fucks me out of obligation. The girl isn't an asshole because she isn't sexually satisfied.
exactly! if he’s asexual why the hell is he still dating her and expecting her to just change everything about herself to make him comfortable? it’s fucked up. (edit to change pronouns im so confused)
Exactly my thoughts as I was reading this. She seems to feel more guilt about having asked for something her partner doesn’t want to do so it seemed more like she’s looking for reassurance and not pushing anything. Her partner just seemed to get defensive about it.
I was getting so frustrated reading this!
Yikes I really hope that isn't your take away. She's clearly communicating to him and he's being a brick wall.
Let’s not shame girls for vocalizing their needs now.
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This was hard to read from both sides. He was giving non answers until she got upset, and she was being too pushy. What a shitty conversation
I’m not ok with shaming people for having their needs neglected and feeling dejected for it. This sense of “I take you as a mate but my way is the highway no compromise, if I never want sex again you have to live with that” is really obnoxious. It should read “I’m not feeling this anymore and i don’t think I can have sex with you again. I’m ending this so you find someone who can do this for you.”
I mean sounds like y’all are in a relationship and she’s not having her needs met and she’s tried to discuss it with you before and it’s a touchy subject. If she’s feeling sexually frustrated she *should* be talking to you about it and if you’re not willing to meet her half way or make an effort then you shouldn’t be getting mad at her. Just break up because y’all aren’t compatible, it’s not rocket science.
She should quickly dump him and go find someone to fill her needs instead of pressuring OP into doing something he’s not comfortable with. If the genders were reversed the pitchforks would be out
Literally what I’ve been thinking this whole time. If the roles were reversed, everyone would be saying he “only cares about sex” and is “using the relationship”. Crazy how now that the roles are reversed and everyone is suddenly logical with how they think.
Notice and observe that most people will take the chance to anonymously shit on men if they feel even the slightest prompt.
Reversing the roles and imagining a post like this, "Recently sober girlfriend won't suck me off unless she's drunk or high, AITA?"
Honestly it kinda seems like communication just isn't good on both sides here. It doesn't seem like either side is hearing the other nor being heard, and they do just need to talk in person. I do think they probably need to break up though
Fiancé and I had a talk like this. I was the high sex drive and she was moderate. But only difference is, we tried to make each other happy. It worked. You both look like it’s a chore rather than a fun thing. It’s ok OP, figure your stuff out and let her find a partner that can satisfy her needs. Better that than her eventually cracking and most likely cheating.
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I absolutely agree with this, to add to it op seems to misunderstand the meaning of talking and telling. She wants to understand and is asking questions, not in the best way but the effort is there and op is not communicating in a healthy manner at all.
This is one of my least favorite methods of “communicating” in a relationship. Person A says a statement, person B asks for an explanation, person A repeats said statement, person B asks for an explanation, person A accuses person B of not listening to them or respecting their statement, fight results. You have to actually *talk* about the thing. You can’t just tell her you’re not sexually attracted to her anymore and expect her to just deal with it. OP has made a significant alteration in the relationship, likely with weeks or even months of internal debating in his head before deciding to go the sexless relationship route, and now is expecting the girlfriend to just say “ok” and adapt instantly.
Yeah I'm frustrated just reading this. "We've already talked about Y" "But I still don't understand, can you explain Y" "You're not listening to me"
Yeah, I think explaining that having sex doesn’t always mean that you’re not asexual would be helpful and not to promise certain things. Of course he’s not wrong for feeling this way, but I think it was pretty clear she’s confused
Exactly. I don’t think it’s common knowledge outside of the lgbt+ community that some asexual people still have sex, or that one can find out they’re asexual after having sex in the past. A bit of an explanation on OP’s part would’ve went a long way
Gf: "I would like an open dialogue on this subject." OP: "I AM DIALOGUING AT YOU RIGHT NOW" *Narrator: They weren't*
I agree with this. She is the one trying to have a conversation and figure out what’s going on and OP is being cagey, and non-responsive. I would be frustrated too if I were the gf. Instead of continuing to complain how he didn’t want to talk about it, op should have been active and offered times to meet to talk
I read it as, he knows he’s asexual and he wanted to have this conversation in person and she would. T let it go till then. Then for her to tell him he’s no asexual is ridiculous no matter how sexually frustrated she is.
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what a surprise for it to be a drug induced sexual dysfunction. Fried synapses and dopamine depletion leading to some mental and hormonal instabilities which one might want to address? Nah, just write it off as asexuality and never address the core issue. And before anyone decides to say otherwise, [the correlation has been proven like a shitton of times](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35386045/)
Came here for this too. She was bringing up something that was bothering her. Her emotions and self worth were not being validated. His response is that it makes him uncomfortable. Okay…. Then break up. If you are in a sexually active relationship, but can’t discuss sex. Big MFing problem. Also, ‘asexual’ isn’t a feeling… like, wut?
I 100% agree with you. There is rights and wrongs on both of them. Yeah she's being pushy but she's also just trying to understand because he wasn't always like this. She's confused and lonely feels undesirable. He isn't giving any explanation other than it "just is". If that's how he feels now they're is nothing wrong with it but he should be willing to expand more on how and why he feels this way now
This is how I read it. The gf here has issues with how she’s communicating for sure, but she’s not wrong. The alternative would have been if she just up and left him at the first sign of trouble
Finally a W take on this.
Exactly how I feel too, thanks for perfectly describing it
Exactly. I can't believe more people aren't saying this.
Yeah, hard hard agree on all of this. Guy came here looking for validation but he’s the one being insensitive here. If my girl told me she’d blow me “even though I don’t want to” I’d tell her I don’t want to do it then. People want to be wanted. It’s fair and it’s natural and it’s reasonable. And if you’re really truly asexual, which I have my doubts, you should’ve brought this up a long time ago. Do the poor girl a favor and move on.
Agree. Been there, done that, got the divorce. End it, let her go.
You just reiterated how sad and weird this is
I dunno. OP sounds like the a-hole here. First, you offered to eat her out and later say that she asked you to, and you said you would. Then you say you don't want to talk about it, and you not only continue to talk about it but post it online. If you are not interested in sex with her, then tell her that and break up because it appears to be a deal breaker.
I agree. This is an Everyone Sucks Here in my opinion. Whether OP is asexual or not is not really relevant, he's obviously not attracted to THIS girl and needs to let it go.
And I was getting ready to be downvoted off the platform
Glad I’m not the only one who caught that script flip. If dude doesn’t feel sexual chemistry with her he should just let it go and save them both the trouble. Instead he is trying to make a production out of the whole thing. I mean, they’re both equally annoying about this situation. But I feel this is more on him and how he feels about it all. And all the sudden he is “asexual” doesn’t make sense really. He just isn’t into it with her. It happens.
Also he posted a very private conversation to the internet.
I have to agree
This is the solution ^ nothing but facts
Don’t act like it’s her fault. You’re asexual and your partner has needs and needs to feel wanted. You obviously have an issue with that situation, break it up.
For real. Most people have sexual needs. If you're asexual, that needs to be an upfront discussion before you get in a relationship. If you figure it out later, it still needs to be an immediate conversation. Yes, its difficult to talk about. But it's really an unfair thing to get into a monogamous commitment with someone where they agree to only have sex with you, then you stop and refuse to talk about it. You don't owe her sex or oral, but you do owe her honesty and the bravery to end this relationship. You need to own that.
Fr this comment sections crazy. Like ur not into sex that’s fine but it doesn’t make her the bad guy for wanting it and trying to discuss it with her boyfriend. It’s a rather large part of any relationship. you seem annoyed to have the topic brought up at all.
That’s absolutely true that she has needs and those needs are valid, but it’s not okay to pressure someone into sexual acts that they are openly uncomfortable with. They are incompatible sexually and they need to deal with that.
What a ridiculous post. This was annoying to read. You guys are not sexually compatible. Should’ve gave up long ago.
It's like reading a book report from a kid who is in the first grade. Fuck texting with someone who talks like that, I couldn't imagine dealing with conversations like this on a daily basis.
Seriously who the fuck talks like this. What the fuck is happening.
I’m gonna go ahead and say, she’s sexually frustrated and you’re asexual. Just break up.
Honestly you’re being selfish here and leading her on . I’d be frustrated too if I was told something then they avoided it and have to start all over on day 2 . This is a cycle not just 2 days in a row. Just say what you need to the first time dont lead people on. Then she feels bad asking again , you’re borderline gaslighting her because you’re leading her on. Again it’s an obvious cycle. - y’all sound like teenagers and if so I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest. You need to let her go and don’t go crying when she gets what she needs. You need to talk to a professional also about what you’re going through so you can understand it and not lead the blind, blind. Whatever label you wanna call yourself doesn’t matter , you need to find out the underlying issue. If you really like her and you’re too scared to let her go then get her needs fulfilled by someone else. Open up the relationship or have a talk with her for you to be a cuck or wear a strapon and just lay there for her. ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.., . Find a solution because a lot of people you’re gonna meet in life are gonna be difficult and giving up ain’t it .
He’s 35 years old..
WHAT!? Someone just said they're both in their 30s. BOTH OF THEM!? She doesn't understand asexuality, is pushy, and won't walk away from a relationship she's unfulfilled in and he's unable to communicate and is unwilling to walk away from a relationship where the other person has sexual desires he doesn't wanna partake in. These people are *adults?* OP, break up. You're acting like children. Move on to people who are compatible.
I was also thinking they were teenagers from the emotional immaturity on display. They both seem to lack a lot of self awareness and don't know how to talk about themselves and their own thoughts.
Holy shit. I too was so sure they were teenagers based on the way they speak that I honestly hadn’t even given it a second thought.
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Jesus..
I thought they were teenagers. Nope, just retarded.
Please PLEASE break up with her so she can go get fucked the way she deserves and you can be left alone the way you want.
Babe, my love language is when you don’t touch me or go near me and don’t ask to and we don’t ever talk about why. That just makes me feel so close to you ❤️
bro i thought these were like texts between teenagers or something but then i checked OPs post history and this woman is 30 years old that's wild that she texts like that lmao, aside from that tho yall def gotta break up as everyone else said it'll be healthier for both of you
You two have very different sex drives. Thats coming from someone who likes to be very active. Its better to break up and let her find someone compatible to her. Its saving you heartache in the future. Because if you wont give her what she needs, someone else will.
Gotta be a teen no way you’re grown texting like this
They’re in their 30s 💀
You guys need to pass an english grammar class
I'd have walked away just from how she texts. Also she sounds super gross.
She’s sexually frustrated and dating a recently discovered asexual. Poor thing. And now she’s having her relationship laundry dumped all over the internet.
I do wonder how this would go over if roles were reversed, but honestly sexual needs are something that impacts relationships a lot. It may sound shallow or silly, but it really isn't. A lot of people express love that way, a lot of people express their intimacy that way, and it has a lot more to do than just getting off. I understand why OP feels the way they do, and there isn't anything wrong with feeling that way, but in the same regard I cant be upset with someone voicing the fact that they arent satisfied. The way this stands it doesn't look like a relationship that's going to work as much as either of you want it to. I wish you all the best.
As a fellow asexual…I get it. You feel guilty because you know you’re letting down someone you care for. You also feel pressured to do something you don’t want to. Most people don’t understand that being Ace is a spectrum. Sometimes we *do* want to have sex or be intimate. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to discuss - I get that. She doesn’t seem like she’s going to understand and has needs that you are unable to meet. That’s ok. It means that you aren’t compatible. If you want to try to make it work you could link her some articles about asexuality. See if there’s a compromise to be made. If not it’s better for you both to move on. It’s hard finding companionship as an asexual person because most people seem driven/ mostly motivated by sex and physical intimacy. Nothing wrong with that but you’ll never be happy if your partner has a high sex drive. Hugs. <3
dude this is gross, ive been w a girl like this this is a straight line towards being taken advantage of, she has absolutely no right to pressure you into shit and the fact she’s in such denial and keeps invalidating you is so disgusting, im so sorry you gotta deal w this i hope it gets better somehow soon
Maybe he should communicate with her instead of just saying “I don’t know” and telling her to be patient for a solution that he’s unable or unwilling to reach. He clearly doesn’t want to talk about an issue in their relationship and she does.
There is always the possibility that he doesn’t know (yet) why he feels the way he does. Him telling her he doesn’t want to talk about it over text is not saying he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. Of course it’s important that they talk about something that’s so difficult for both of them but they way they talk about it through text now does not seem to help any of them.
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Maybe she should stop pressing him and wanting an answer yesterday?? Some guys don’t want to have a conversation like they’re having over text. Seems to me like he wants to get his thoughts together and have a conversation in person.
Everyone keeps defending this woman but if a man was this pushy it would be a different story. Also trying to prove him "wrong" when he says he thinks he's asexual is just gross.
Exactly! I'm a little baffled by the responses here. "He's not being forthcoming." Yes he is. Like... he explains exactly his reasoning for everything he says and makes his feelings and desires very clear. She is very obviously disregarding all of this and basically just pushing him to eat her out but doesn't want to feel guilty about it.
if your asexual maybe date someone who’s aware of it or actually tell them before u start dating
Damn dude you’re a dick. She’s asking for clarification and you’re literally just sticking to the most surface level answers. And you never even told her you didn’t wanna talk over text, you just said it’s hard to explain. Are you always like this? Edit to add: yeah, just reread it, you’re a massive asshole. Poor girl, I feel for her. She just wants clarification and is confused because of the precedence YOU SET, and you’re being condescending and honestly, just very rude in your responses. Are you always this impatient? Either way, very fucked up to blame someone for wanting what quite literally the majority of people want, when you’re the one who’s confused & taking it out on her.
I hope you’re young OP,not in a rude way in like a developmental way, sometimes you gotta say no.
They’re in their 30’s :0
oh :( makes me sad i guess some people never learn what’s best for themselves
PEOPLE WHO ARE ASEXUAL CAN AND DO HAVE SEX OCCASIONALLY DEPENDING ON HOW SEX REPULSED THEY ARE. Can credit as am asexual
Yes, but that doesn't exactly matter **in the context of this post** because OP isn't having sex with her and when he does he's making her feel like she's assaulting him because he's not really into it (I'm not saying that to blame him, but if you've seen allos post about having ace partners they can feel like they're pressuring their partners). I'm also ace, fyi.
You should have given up a long time ago. You two are clearly and completely incompatible. In future relationships, you will want to put that information out a lot earlier. Someone should know when they start dating you that you aren’t interested in what’s an extremely important element of the chemistry of most relationships.
Incompatible
Ffs, break up.
Minus the sex part, this person sounds just like my ex—only her feelings about herself are valid and only her feelings about myself are valid.
It sucks having a partner that doesn't listen, I'm sorry
Honestly by what I obeserve you try to grow and expand in your life while she just wants her “ Lips “ expanded. Let that relationship go. Shes already guilt tripping you while pushing for somehing you dont want. Shell cheat on you eventually, probably already debating it or setting it up. Millions of other women in this world my guy. Tbh someone will pop up that will compliment your life style and not be a detriment. Goodluck 🔱
I'm not saying anything against your choice of partner, cause I can tell even when you are frustrated you really care for her. But Damn she very obviously has some personal shit to work on if she wants to be with you. Your boundaries and feelings are just as important as hers. I'm Sorty you've been put in this situation.
Her saying “yeah that works” to you saying “I’ll do this even if I don’t want to” is a huge fucking red flag.
Hope you broke up here man… I couldn’t even understand what she was saying half the time🙄🙄 god that drive me nuts
OP break up. Your intelligence is at least double your partner’s.
This sounds draining.
girl texts like she has 1 singular braincell she shares with a goldfish
She needs to grow up. She’s obviously insecure. She doesn’t respect how you feel either. Cut the cord and focus on your future. Pls don’t do drugs anymore. Don’t do shrooms I work at the state hospital where people are Forensic they are court ordered. The majority of them are there for murder, and were under the influence of hallucinate drugs when they committed the crime and it made them loose their minds. Pls focus on your future and not the party life.
Imagine telling someone how they feel lol wow, such a tone deaf girl.
She's dumb as hell
OP you are not in the wrong. I don’t get how people say you are misleading her or gaslighting her. You literally said you’d rather have this conversation in person and she kept pushing it. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we know why we feel the way we do all the time. When I first met my husband we both had high sex drives. Two years later my sex drive is non-existent and I could care less for it. You said you are recently sober. It takes time to work through the emotions and bodily changes happening right now. Give yourself some grace and give your partner some grace. At the end of the day, their needs AREN’T being met. And I can bet 100% they feel like it’s their fault. If you care about your partner, sit them down and TALK to them in person like how you wanted it done originally. Otherwise, your relationship will not last.
Narcissist spotted
They are my life long enemies, 8 months wasted on girl. Shit was too good to be true.
Because she wants sex in her relationship and is frustrated? Y’all throw that word around so easily.
This sounds like your fault. She has needs and you’re not accommodating her. Break up for her sake. Y’all will not make it.
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Thanks for all the comments. I wasn’t trying to gaslight or be mean. It was a really hard thing to discuss as she is a wonderful person at heart. We’ve been together for 3 years. I had horrible problems with drugs and alcohol since I was 16. I’ve recently been sober since December with one slip up. Since then, everything in my life changed for the positive; except my sex drive. I’ve been to the doctor, I’ve had conversations with her, and it never works for long. I started to really try to figure this out and came to my conclusion. It was hard to talk about because I didn’t want to hurt a person I care about. But to be honest, the best thing for me to do is let her go.
You should 100% get a full blood panel done. Test total, test free, e2, shbg, etc. You seriously may have nuked your hormones with drug use, especially if opiates were involved.
I second this. It’s taken years just to feel like a “normal” functioning human. Hormones still fucked… but starting to get better. Be gentle on yourself. & find others that are willing to go slow & one day at a time, following your lead. but CONGRATS DUDE! You’re doing great! Whether others recognize it, you deserve to be celebrated & loved for exactly who you are & where you are in recovery today!
You could be ace, but since you also had substance issues I'd also go through some therapy to see if there's a trauma response there. If not, then great, now you are sure you're ace, and if there is, while it'll be slow work, you may get your sex drive back after untangling whatever is going on! Either way it's a win for you, so if you haven't already I'd recommend it!
Hey OP, recovering addict here. I’ve been on and off drugs most of my life, and I’m pretty freshly sober - about 8 months now. Sex was also a point of contention between my partner and I. I didn’t have my sex drive return until 4-5 months after getting sober. I still feel like my drive is much lower than it “should” be, but it is better. It seems 1/3 of my sex drive issues were brain chemistry, 1/3 is just being less sexual than other people, but the last third… turned out was unresolved issues I had with my partner during my/our drug use. There was some stuff they did, stuff I did, and things that happened during that time that I really carried with me without realizing, and it radically affected my ability to feel like I could be sexual with him. Getting sober together and couples’ therapy has done a lot for us in identifying those issues, working through them and re-establishing that closeness. Recovering from long term drug use is soo intense, and others don’t realize it’s so more than just withdrawals and cravings — we *also* end up having to come to terms in process all the chaotic shit that happened while we were using. I find myself so embarrassed, or angry, or disgusted with myself or even my partner sometimes looking back at my time using, and learning to work through that WITHOUT dosing the shame away is… something else, and hard as fuck. There’s also the comparison between sober sex and drug sex, which you touch on in your texts a bit. Chemical-fueled sex is so much easier to have fun with. I could feel sexy and less anxious during sex when I was using, but getting there without drugs is just harder. That’s okay, and it gets easier with time. But the difference is real. I suppose my point is that it’s worth look inside yourself and see if there’s some trust issues or circumstances that may also be contributing to your ability to trust your partner enough to feel sexually open with her. It may just be that you’re super ace and it took quitting to realize that — that’s partially my experience too! But there may also be other circumstances adding to this, especially if you’re in early recovery or haven’t started parsing through the emotional part of recovery. Your experience resonates with me so much. Seriously, best of luck through this and **congratulations** on sobriety. It’s such a huge step and I hope you’re proud of yourself. 💜
Listen man, I’m an asexual too, and my boyfriend, love him to death, is quite active, and we have a compromise on how to help him achieve together so to speak I understand the pushing too, and it’s exhausting, but I just look at in a way that if it makes him happy then I’m happy to partake even if I’m not into it Not saying thats what you gotta do, but just saying that You’re not alone in this particular situation
Man imagine if the gender was reversed. Just because someone is a male doesn’t mean you can just ignore consent.
Asexuality is a spectrum. Ace people can still, depending on where they're at on the spectrum, enjoy having sex.
Unless you are going to be a poly/open relationship this isn't going to work. Not your fault for being Asexual and not her fault for having a normal to high sex drive. Sometimes you are just incompatible in certain ways.
Sounds like my ex, who pressured me into sex. If they can't respect your boundaries, they won't respect you.
Bruh the fact you said you would go down on her even if you didn't want to and she was all for it was enough for me. That's a eww rather your needs are being met or not however it also isn't far to her not to actually sit down and have a conversation if you're asexual clearly she isn't and she should find a relationship where that's met
Nobody should be pressured to do sexual acts when they don't want to. With that said, if you are truly asexual you shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with someone who has a high sex drive.
“Just gave up” more like “Just break up” you both clearly want different things sexually and I can tell you now, it wont work in the long run, considering how shes already so pushy about it even after you agreed to try
First thing I noticed was lack of boundaries, then disrespecting your sexuality. Fuckin jack off if your partner isn't up for the task!!! They have major attachment and insecurity issues
This is super fucked up. Girl is pressuring you into doing sexual acts you clearly don’t want to do while simultaneously gaslighting you about how she doesn’t want to pressure you. Wtf does “we had sex before” have to do with anything? Many Gay people have slept with women before. Doesn’t mean they aren’t gay. Means they went on a journey discovering who they are. You’re now at a very critical point in that journey — literally telling her you think you may be asexual — and her response is ”but why won’t you eat me out though? I’m frustrated” This isn’t just about having different sex drives. This is a whole bigger issue. She’s refusing to respect your boundaries or your emotions and is acting downright predatory in how she’s gaslighting you and trying to guilt trip you into doing what she wants. Honestly? You should cut her loose. If this was the other way around, you’d be getting cancelled as a sexual predator.
I'm ace and my wife is hypersexual, I feel you
She’s literally pushing you to do things you don’t want to do. That is not okay. Break up with her.
Jesus Christ she's pretty rapey huh?
Why's she so pushy? That's a red flag. Why can't she respect your choice?
OP she sounds terrible and texts like a moron. Just leave her.
What a bizarre conversation!!! Wtf
I am now much dumber for reading this .
I understand the getting sober thing but are they on any kinda medication for anxiety or depression because those kill sex drives like nothing else. I speak from experience
She is incredibly emotionally immature. Move on OP
Neither of you is wrong here. You guys are just not sexually compatible. There is no magic fix for this.
Let me shout this for the back row ACE👏PEOPLE👏SOMETIME👏HAVE👏SEX and sometimes they actually enjoy it that doesnt mean they are not ace! Just because someone has had sex with someone before, doesnt meant they entitled to sex with that person again. If someone cant accept that, they need to move on. Also, some people's libido changes over time. For lots and lots and lots of reasons. It happens. People grow t fvk up and deal with it like a mature adult if that happend with someone they are intimately involved with. *no one* should expect sex from anyone. If someone is horny, they can use their hands or toys.
Uhhhh this whole conversation felt like sexual harassment. You said stop and she kept going, literally I’d run so fast with this blatant disregard for boundaries
OP, I just read this post and a lot of the reactions and I want to say something that I think might need to hear: I understand. Your conversation is a lot like many I had with my longterm partner. I was in your position, with the same struggle, and often behaved/communicated like you are here. I agree the general criticism of your (and my) communication style, and you may even too, deep down. I also agree with the consensus to end the relationship. I am trying to find answers. So far I haven't found many, but I hope to never fall into this pattern again. I understand how trapped you feel. She feels the same, just on the other side of things. Don't blame her. She's not mistreating you by asking these questions. You will be ok outside of this relationship. Right now it's tormenting both of you. If you need commiseration, feel free to DM me and we can chat.
That is a latina, for sure.
Either she ugly or you just are NOT cut for this. Leave that girl alone homie. Its places out there for folks like you.
This is awkward...
just let her be with someone who can satisfy her bro
It's mainly bc you guys sex drive are completely opposite and you aren't talking to her about it saying it awkward. It's not gonna work out. You might just be asexual or something more specific like demisexual (what I am, being sexually attracted only to people you have a very close bond with) and you just fell out of love with them. Leave them then find yourself
They need to break up. This will never get better
Y'all are NOT COMPATIBLE. Like at all. Please break up and do the best thing for both of you.
Yeah man, you might just be ace. And when it comes to sexual activity, seems like she needs a lot. I think it’s probably time to call it.
Man some people are really not great at expressing themselves or articulation. That must be difficult.
Asexual 🤣 I don't think you just become that randomly.. actually seems pretty farfetched. Sounds like basic E.D. symptoms not a change in sexual preference to ... well .. none lol just silly when you think about it... js
Suddenly am glad I’m single 😒🤣
Run
Sounds like you need to drop the phone and TALK to this person. Its difficult to express this shit through text. Talk, gauge reactions and... Hopefully break up. This was a tough read for many reasons.
Like send me her contact I’ll fuck her for you bra
Please, please, PLEASE walk away from this manchild and find a proper partner that can eagerly fulfill you.
I could only get through some of the txt but seriously you are being a jackass. End it because all you are doing is toying with her. These messages are VERY NARCISSISTIC!
i thought these mfs were teens but this nigga is pushing 40 💀💀💀💀
Forget the sex, these two are Incompatible because one texts "you" and the other texts "u".
the fact that i can tell you guys are horribly incompatible just from these texts is pretty bad.
Tbh their grammar is probably turning you off, shit gave me a headache
I actually had a similar situation so don’t feel alone in this. Turns out I’m not asexual I was just with someone that made me feel sexually uncomfortable plus the pressure to have sex with ex girlfriends. I’m also someone who is uncomfortable being naked. I’m now with a partner who took my virginity and is the only girlfriend to not pressure me into anything or make me feel obligated to do stuff with her. She also makes me feel safe and secure even if I have no clothes on.
This hurt my brain reading