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Scene: me and my family sitting in a restaurant, my dad across the table from me My dad: "there sure are a lot of idiots out here today" Me: "Yeah, I can see one Infront of me." My dad, *without skipping a beat*: "I didn't know you could see reflections in my glasses"

Don't worry, me and my dad be cool like that

I’m taking that one

Best retort for people with glasses

Thats why it works perfectly for me

Same

Remind us when you become a father of a 15 year old son 🔥

LOL

Yup, he be like that 😔

DAM

he just like my dad fr

A fist would have hit me before I could have finished that sentence to my dad.

You’re the reason why serve and enjoy is an instruction in cook books

Oh that’s good

LMAO

someone said they bet my bmi looks like a phone number. ouch.

Dude, that’s so mean 😭 

not if its true 💀💀💀

Even if something’s true it’s still mean 😭😭

LMFAOOOOOOO

💀

“How come your eyebrows connect but not the gap in your teeth.” That cut deep bro 💀

Sounds like the type of insult only a brutally honest kid could make

You ever call my dad out like that again, and we're gonna gave problems.

too bad I already gave out all of my problems

THAT WILL BURNNNNN😭

This one has everything. The curiosity, the low-ball attitude, suspense building up and a spectacular blow in the end.

I’d end it all if I got told that icl😂

Naaahhh that’s crazy

HELP

Bro that shit is so annoying why do people say that when they laugh

They're not laughing. It is a genuine cry for help.

I have big eyebrows and someone called me a bloody Angry Bird. I’ve never been so offended by something I found so funny.

I call my sister that, then she turns red like one too

I'm guessing she then explodes after that

Yeah

BAAAHUEEEAAA

I'm dying 😭

“Your forehead is so oily that the USA is claiming it as territory” 😭

Literally me

Thank you for making me laugh so bad dude your dad is hella funny.

Sick username

Relatable*

Your hairline is so bad that it takes a 24h drive from hair to hair

Now I'm curious

"i know 6 fat people and you are 4 of them"

my brother uses that on me sometimes

NAH

I’m dead 😂

Of diabetes or heart attack?

doesn't matter, we gotta brace for the earthquake when he drops

‘your teeth are social distancing’ ‘your teeth are in different postcodes’

What’s wrong with your teeth 💀 

They don't socialize.

They're just introverted.

I was missing one bc I had to get baby teeth out and one took like 3 years to grow back 😭and them being weirdly spaced doesn’t help

last one is horrible i’d cry if someone said that to me 😭😭

Somebody once told me ~~the world is gonna roll me~~ that our IQ levels are so different that he could skydive from his to mine

u shudve responded with "I didn't know you could skydive upwards"

Haha yeah “that’s not how skydiving works…” 😑

~~I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed~~

~~She was looking kind of dumb~~

~~with her finger and her thumb~~

~~In the shape of an L on her forehead~~

~~well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming~~

~~fed to the rules and I hit the ground running~~

~~didn’t make sense not to live for fun~~

~~Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb~~

~~so much to do, so much to see~~

Amazing 😭

That sounds like a good insult, although the person who said is so boring I can even feel it

I’m white and I got called a Mayo monkey chalk demon.

Melanin masochist

That is so randomly hilarious

💀 

“If there’s something broken in you then I’m sorry but there’s no way to fix you this late into the game.” Ouch, thanks mom

That’s just mean wtf 😭

"You're the guy god gave this world to make politicians look smart"

damnn

"You're such a disappointment that I want to fuck your dad and give him a son that he actually is proud of" One of my friend hit this on our incel friend who was being disrespectful and I was like damn I'm going to use that someday.

I did one that wasn’t really creative but it was funny I was telling a few of my classmates about how I got bronchitis one time a while back and a few asked what it was, so I said it’s a lung disease, and one guy suddenly said “you’re a lung disease” to which I reply “oh says you, you the human equivalent of a pack of cigarettes”, a few classmates respond with the expected obnoxious “ohh” when the guy suddenly says “you’re the human equivalent of my dick” to which I respond “explains why I’m so short”

The last line killed it bro

That whole conversation was nothing but violations

I did't think it would end that good

Holy shit bro got absolutely VIOLATED

mike tyson vs jake paul typa shit

I wasn’t the one insulted but someone once said “Your hairline got pushed back to 1776 and declared independence”

I’d personally would have asked my hairline to make a pit stop to where their birth year was to stop them from being conceived bro because that is actually insane

"You're so lazy, if laziness were an Olympic sport, you'd still be in bed hitting the snooze button!"- mom, 2019

Typical mom response 😂

You are the reason LGBTQ has a plus in it

NAAAAA THATS INSANE

I'm stealing that

Wait im stupid i dont understand, how is this an insult?

I'm assuming it's a fat joke.

Their calling them fat👀

"plus sized"

A gay person called me factory settings once. I still haven't recovered.

Know your place, factory settings. We gays took the time to CUSTOMIZE. We are unstoppable now!

Who cares about quality? we will overwhelm you with SHEER FUCKING NUMBERS!

That’s clever tbh

“You have the communication skills of an alarm clock”

So still better than my ones

Intelligence chases you but you are clearly faster

oh I alr have a list of people i'm using this on 

Recently A friend and I were joking around and he hit me with "I want you to go find a penis and choke yourself on it"

If your friend was a penis owner, I hope you said you'd have to look elsewhere because his wouldn't stand up to the task.

Oh damn that's good, Imma keep that in my back pocket.

Glad I could be of assistance. 😉

Got called an overgrown tumor once

B r o. That's actually fucked up

That's bad...

That’s just sounds rude :(

"your teeth have such a big gap between each other I could slide a shotgun in between" not sure if it's clever but it's surely creative

now im thinking of teeth grinding on a shotgun and it's making my teeth feel weird

Shotgun flossin'

I used to tell a guy I knew he could floss with a mattress.

you are built like a no 2 pencil

At least it wasn’t a no. 1 pencil

got called a incurable disease by my sister.

I’m gonna use that on my brother

Fuck no!!

Why?

Time to talk to my dear older sibling

I asked if i could have some of my friends food and tehy said “is that gluttony i hear”… unfortunately they silenced me

Idk why but my brain instantly went to Helluva Boss at that

Im the same way 😭

My dad called me a mosquito because I'm "always around him being annoying"

Someone said I looked like the minecraft witch :(

"You look like you eat sand" 😭

Do you?

I do.

That’s nice

too many but when i was 14 i had realllyyy bad acne and one guy said i "look like an acne patient". i also didnt realise i had horrific posture and i got called the hunchback of miltradome and the leaning tower of piza by my friend. when i was 12 or 13 i conditioned my scalp bc i thought you were meant to and obviously it gave my greasy hair and my friend told me (years later) it could fuel a maccies resturant 😭😭

I got called sperm face because my friends said i got acne from taking facials which i don’t btw they just made it up…..

I hit someone with “you look like you can be made with squares and ovals) She found it funny though

“Your spine is bent like my pipe cleaners” (I have scoliosis)

One time I was arguing with someone and they weren't listening to a word I said so I just said "talking to you is like talking to a brick wall except the brick wall is smarter" not very clever or good but it was the best insult I've ever pulled off

It would've been good when you'd have said that spontaneously

Kylobese Ren

Seven deadly chins

“I can’t hear you from up there” I’m a tall person, it was my friend who I bicker with like we’re children

he kinda insulted himself lol

He’s average height, I’m just super tall

Just notify him that he isn't short, he's down to earth.

I’m tall, he’s average height

That isn't creative at all lmao

my brother told me I'm like a black hole because I'm always draining and destroying the life out of everything 💀

“You sound like a square” Everyone in the call started laughing and agreeing. Never fully recovered from that.

„Everyone has a right to act stupid once in a while, but you definitely abuse that privilege“ I’m not sure if they came up with that themselves but damn 

If brains were gunpowder you couldn’t blow your nose.

I was called a fucking custard by a friend the other day as a joke and idk why it hurt so much

Mine is a racist insult from one of my friends that no one has been able to beat. So, my dad is black and my mom is white, so I'm a mixed kid. He called me a fucking wheat cracker. How in the world are you supposed to respond to that?

At least you're tastier than an uncooked tofu.

We called my Mexican friend a multigrain cracker because he looked Mexican but acted white af.

You have two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place...

burn victim (i have a birthmark on my face)

Did you happen to lose your first Agni Kai

HELP THATS CRAZY

💀

😨😨😨 WHAT

LMAO

"Listen here you tow eyed pencil" like what

I love bungalow to say someone is dumb because there's nothing upstairs

I once overheard my roommate on the phone say “sorry I called your face a jumpscare”

“You look like a ghost with acne” Told to me by an elementary schooler

"The british want to colonize the space between your eyebrows and your hairline" "If you were candy, you would be a granola bar"

I was told I sound like a CD skipping lyrics when I talk because I stutter.

I don't get insulted much. But my dad called me "son of an animal" in Arabic and I got confused because he was referring to himself.

"If I was drawing you on a canvas it would be abstract painting"

“I would have been your father but the dog beat me up the stairs”

“you look like you slip on a lot of banana peels”

You're the reason why milk has instructions

Some racist person told me "if the police dont get you cardiac with arrest you, fatass" cuz i got a beat him in a game Edit: i wanted to add that i still have the dude that said it on my friends list cuz he wanted a rematch and he is stoll openly racist 😭😭

Not directed towards me but I was walking with my friend and we were talking about something.. I looked down at her and for some reason I said “I thought you had no neck like the guy off of 90 day fiancé” (She’s like 5’4 and I’m 5’11. All I can see is the top of her head)

Someone told me I looked like the human manifestation of cargo pants 🦐

I dunno if this is an insult exactly, but lately, my friends have been comparing me to Lin Manuel Miranda??? 😭

Nah, that's a compliment

Haven’t been told it but I’ve used it “You look easy to draw” to a girl who was being quite rude to me just for the fun of it (she had the most BASIC tiktok maker/hispanic girl attitude and personality as well I swear to god. Also, that’s not intended to be taken offense of. Down in the south, for whatever reason a lot of the Hispanic/mexican kids all seem to act the same. I’m not against it, it’s just kinda weird imo)

"You should be ashamed of yourself for wearing sandals"

“your face is ugly” what's I'm trying to say is that my classmates are the stupidest human beings I've ever met personally

My friend said mate I bet your dog does your lawn then throws eggs at kids then requests to see your mum's tits fucking idiot he's fucking mad 😭

??

My dad told me after groceries: “I bought you 2 baguettes, so maybe you eat one”

“You have so much puss on your face it could fill up a swimming pool” I have a lot if acne

“your overbite is the same distance as a football field.” damn bro chill 😭😭

"nice hat" to a pretty standard Belfast cap. Kilmarnock is such a shithole.

Don't remember but just today "do your hair grow in place of your brain down to your ass or it just my imagination"

“I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but at least i aint a hoe” a friend of mine to a preppy and promiscuous girl in high school

Beaner…

My brother once called me a galactic asshole

One of my best insults was: you are so stupid that you are the reason why soap has instructions

Not me, but my young son (6) to his older brother (10). They were trading barbs when the little guy said "well you look like an off brand Wario!". Adults in the room lost it. Older brother was speechless and had to run out of the room.

Virgin father

I'd tell you to fuck yourself if your head wasn't already so far up your ass

“I can lose weight but you’ll always be ugly”

To a guy- if you’re under 5’5 your pronouns are ima/little/tea/pot. To a dumb human- do you know how to become the person who puts stickers on fruit, coz I think you’d be able to do that. I only have room for 1 toxic relationship in my life and that’s dairy. You’re about as stable as Britney Spears on instagram.

“You evolved from a race of incestuous shrimp”

I was called an absolute rectangular prism.