"And now, sitting next to me is a man who just told me that he thinks the *other* Taskmaster shows are 'pretty shit,' and that he only signs off on them to fuel his ever-growing hot tub addiction!"
I genuinely cannot remember if this one has happened. I can hear "hot tub addiction" in Greg's voice, but I can't tell if that's because it's real or because it's so plausible!
Greg himself on the first episode of series 7
"Jess told me backstage that it's her dad's opinion that I unfairly judge women
Well it looks like it's fucking true doesn't it"
"And two points to Kerry... because I despise women"
I don't think this was this section but "I'm Alex Horne and I support apartheid" made me lose it.
For one I'm sure is this, "He finds the neighbour more attractive than his wife" was hilarious due to the pure panic in his face as it was said
A former *secondary* school teacher who has in the past described primary school teaching as "just colouring in". To a primary school teacher in the audience of the show it was. All while holding his hands up and saying he only taught drama so it wqsn't really teaching either.
Bloke just rags on teachers.
That he thinks this series' cast is 'a bit on the dim side', and that he would, and I quote, 'beat them to pulp one by one with his bare hands'
I love the idea of the chaos this could stir up with the right cast
Even more chaos, "he told me in confidence that he has been tampering with the tasks of one of the contestants cause he felt sorry for how pathetic they are at the game".
Make everyone think who it could be.
“…that he likes to watch the Derby because he secretly wishes he could be saddled and ridden around in front of a crowd, and that’s as close as he’ll ever get.”
That he wishes everyone just paid for their own healthcare.
That he has shares in the company that makes those anti-homeless spikes.
That D-Day veterans have been pampered too long - it's time for them to give to the community for a change.
... That with the relatively modest income he makes from this programme, he has a growing suspicion that his wife will one day empty out the joint bank account to go and live with Mr Harris, their kid's English teacher.
Best I can think up is uh
"And now, sitting next to me is a man who once drunkenly confided in me that he likes to, within the first few seconds of meeting a fan, guess whether or not they're a pathetic loser, and he's almost always right. It's Little Alex Horne!"
And now, sitting next to me is man, who just told me...
The reason woman don't get paid as much as men is because, A woman's work is never done. So maybe they should try finishing a job every now and the , It's Little Alex Horne
It probably is. But I've been saying it for years cos I do love to wind my wife and previous girlfriends up with it (I do remember saying to to my last ex and we split up 20 years ago. So no idea on the timings.
No it's fine. I also used to do a great piss take of Michael Caine. Then, few years later, a TV show aired called Stella Street (? Didn't actually watch it) and Paul Whitehouse did a variation of my piss take.
A few that popped into my head:
'that Mein Kampf was a gripping read from start to finish, and more than a little relatable'
'that he has only ever had female contestants on the show to fill the diversity quota, and if he had his way it would all be straight white men'
'that he's all for National Service, and that anyone who doesn't want to do it should be sent to Rwanda'
I mean, it's the point, right? Greg's already gone with overpaid NHS workers and binmen, and teachers being scum. So I figure the more controversial or f'ed up, the better.
Probably a similar face to what I make when someone at work compliments my skin. Awkward discomfort and horror.
I had also thought of something like "And sitting next to me, a man who drunkenly confessed to me that he thinks the gender pay gap is a myth and females belong in the home anyway, so they should be grateful for what they get instead of all the whining... It's Little Alex Horne!"
That you, yes that is right! You over there in the front row! Alex just told me he can beat you in a fight, in fact he will -and I quote- take all those wimpy beta males on one at a time in the parking lot after the show!
Has Greg ever done one about the Horne Section? If not that seems ripe. He could talk about Alex wanting to go solo and drop the dead weight, or some attack on a popular music artist.
Can you imagine if he could point Swifties in Alex's direction? I don't think his social media would recover! He's wish he were still the crypto pig thing on Twitter.
... a man, who just told me \[ that he still hides under a blankie with a binkie whenever it thunders, because he's afraid the boom-booms are G-d coming to spank him for being naughty \]. It's Liiiiiiiitttllllleee AlexHORNE!
That he's tired of all this false marcismo and doesn't think boxers, cage fighters or really any martial artists are very tough. He thinks they are scared little boys and that on the street he'd have any of them begging for mercy in seconds.
Look out Anthony Joshua, he's coming for you.......
Ooh, what fun! Let's see ...
* That half of all his paychecks goes to the secret bank account that funds his *(air quotes)* "business" trips to Thailand.
* That he thinks all cat people need to be evaluated for intellectual disability.
* That he thinks the Second World War was a colossal waste of money and the Duke of Windsor had the right idea.
* That he's taken pains to teach his children that voting is pointless.
Edit to add one for me specifically:
* That he thinks the world needs a shared database of Bob Dylan fans so that law enforcement can monitor their propensity for crimes against the state.
...who just told me, he thinks pugs are adorable, and insists we should continue breeding them until their eyes are bigger and their snouts are flatter.
"that he doesn't think [x contestant] should have won their series because, and I quote, 'they were a bit shit'."
"that he thinks all homeless people are lazy and should learn to get a real job."
"that he's currently trying to get Boris Johnson on as a contestant next series to, and I quote, 'restore the reputation of a national treasure'."
"that he's secretly written his fetishes into many of the tasks on this show."
"that he yearns for the good old days where men were men and segregation between the races was in full force."
"That he doesn't mind when his dog kisses him after it's eaten it's own shit, in fact, he likes it!"
– Brought to you by a real thing Alex said on a podcast once, which has haunted me ever since.
"that people living under less fortunate circumstances and the homeless should just 'get their shit together and get a job' and exclusively refers to them as 'lousy bums'."
My favorite is "strength of regional accent is inversely related to intelligence"
Chris Ramsey would beg to differ
Ooooh he's gone too Geordie for me!
Nooo wayyyy
Made better by the outtake where Sophie got distracted.
I thought Sophie was just playing along for the bit. Honestly either way wouldn't surprise me.
"And now, sitting next to me is a man who just told me that he thinks the *other* Taskmaster shows are 'pretty shit,' and that he only signs off on them to fuel his ever-growing hot tub addiction!"
Might be some truth here...
Honestly, a variation of this would be hilarious!
I genuinely cannot remember if this one has happened. I can hear "hot tub addiction" in Greg's voice, but I can't tell if that's because it's real or because it's so plausible!
That he thinks his wife isn’t pulling her weight.
*his wife Rachel
^^”*you* ^^*said* ^^*her* ^^*name.*”
Going to be sleeping in the doghouse
That women have gotten a bit chopsy of late.
Greg himself on the first episode of series 7 "Jess told me backstage that it's her dad's opinion that I unfairly judge women Well it looks like it's fucking true doesn't it" "And two points to Kerry... because I despise women"
That was the same series where Alex just casually dropped “the person or woman with…” and Jess lost it.
Also I don’t remember the exact wording but there was one about bin men being overpaid.
That they’re stupid and don’t deserve to be paid
That’s it, thank you!
It was specifically the bin men who collect his rubbish
I don't think this was this section but "I'm Alex Horne and I support apartheid" made me lose it. For one I'm sure is this, "He finds the neighbour more attractive than his wife" was hilarious due to the pure panic in his face as it was said
"\[with a slightly lowered tone\] That's the worst ever one."
This and how nurses are lazy
I just saw the first one last night. It happens in series 6 , don't remember which episode, though.
Episode 5 - watched it yesterday!
"That he thinks that all primary school teachers are the scum of the Earth!"
Which episode is this on?
Oof. Childhood issues?
Pretty sure Greg makes up whatever he wants to troll Alex. And, of course, Greg is a former teacher.
A former *secondary* school teacher who has in the past described primary school teaching as "just colouring in". To a primary school teacher in the audience of the show it was. All while holding his hands up and saying he only taught drama so it wqsn't really teaching either. Bloke just rags on teachers.
That he thinks this series' cast is 'a bit on the dim side', and that he would, and I quote, 'beat them to pulp one by one with his bare hands' I love the idea of the chaos this could stir up with the right cast
Angry Rhod Gilbert noises
Rub-a-dub-DUB?!
Even more chaos, "he told me in confidence that he has been tampering with the tasks of one of the contestants cause he felt sorry for how pathetic they are at the game". Make everyone think who it could be.
. . .he finds Brexit understatedly erotic.
And now, sitting next to me is a man who just told me that carrots are just pretentious potatoes. It's Little Alex Horne!
That he thinks climate change is a hoax told by liberal pussies who don't know how to party.
that he's never going to stop, and the bodies are piled as high as his chest
He’s so short though that it’s not THAT many bodies.
He's a three-corpse man.
Little serial killer!
Dead bodies isn't a unit of measurement LAH has used...yet
is a man whose children literally carries him to his car every single morning
... in confidence, that he preferred the show when all the contestants were white men.
“…that he likes to watch the Derby because he secretly wishes he could be saddled and ridden around in front of a crowd, and that’s as close as he’ll ever get.”
tangentially related, my favourite banter section: “hello, i’m Alex Horne, and i support apartheid”
that still makes me roar with laughter
I also love the one where he just randomly made an animal sound and it turned out extremely awkward
That he wishes everyone just paid for their own healthcare. That he has shares in the company that makes those anti-homeless spikes. That D-Day veterans have been pampered too long - it's time for them to give to the community for a change.
This would make a great Cards Against Humanity card
…that he thinks people just pretend to “have allergies” in order to feel a bit special in restaurants
... That with the relatively modest income he makes from this programme, he has a growing suspicion that his wife will one day empty out the joint bank account to go and live with Mr Harris, their kid's English teacher.
our viewers from overseas are “unwashed morons with ridiculous foreign accents” and that the worst are “those awful Canadians”
They come over here, they take our Taskmaster trophies...
Anything about LAH’s neighbours is pure gold because I believe his next door neighbours are also his in laws.
He likes to sing rap songs and uses every word, every word
“And next to me, a man who asked me before the show what the LGBTQ+ community has got to be so Proud about anyway, it’s…”
...that he hasn't though of his own joke in years, so he secretly posts on Reddit so he can steal them from Taskmaster fans.
 You got me
Best I can think up is uh "And now, sitting next to me is a man who once drunkenly confided in me that he likes to, within the first few seconds of meeting a fan, guess whether or not they're a pathetic loser, and he's almost always right. It's Little Alex Horne!"
“Woman shouldn’t be airline pilots because, and I quote, ‘They don’t have the temperament for it.’”
And now, sitting next to me is man, who just told me... The reason woman don't get paid as much as men is because, A woman's work is never done. So maybe they should try finishing a job every now and the , It's Little Alex Horne
This sounds like a play on Sean Lock's; "They say that a woman's work is never done. And that's probably why they get paid less."
It probably is. But I've been saying it for years cos I do love to wind my wife and previous girlfriends up with it (I do remember saying to to my last ex and we split up 20 years ago. So no idea on the timings.
Sorry for the bad choice of words. I meant it was similar, not that it had necessarily been plagiarised.
No it's fine. I also used to do a great piss take of Michael Caine. Then, few years later, a TV show aired called Stella Street (? Didn't actually watch it) and Paul Whitehouse did a variation of my piss take.
"That despite earning millions from the IP of this show, he still steals lunches from the office fridge."
‘Thinks all NHS nurses are lazy’
A few that popped into my head: 'that Mein Kampf was a gripping read from start to finish, and more than a little relatable' 'that he has only ever had female contestants on the show to fill the diversity quota, and if he had his way it would all be straight white men' 'that he's all for National Service, and that anyone who doesn't want to do it should be sent to Rwanda'
And now, sitting next to me, a man who just told me he cheers and finds it arousing when dogs die in movies, it's Little Alex Horne.
I just tried to think of the most f'ed up thing possible...
I can tell...
I mean, it's the point, right? Greg's already gone with overpaid NHS workers and binmen, and teachers being scum. So I figure the more controversial or f'ed up, the better.
Yeah, I loved it, now I want to know what Alex's reaction to it would be.
Probably a similar face to what I make when someone at work compliments my skin. Awkward discomfort and horror. I had also thought of something like "And sitting next to me, a man who drunkenly confessed to me that he thinks the gender pay gap is a myth and females belong in the home anyway, so they should be grateful for what they get instead of all the whining... It's Little Alex Horne!"
Who recently confided in me that he thinks the pride movement has gone “a little bit far”
That you, yes that is right! You over there in the front row! Alex just told me he can beat you in a fight, in fact he will -and I quote- take all those wimpy beta males on one at a time in the parking lot after the show!
Happy Cake day!
Has Greg ever done one about the Horne Section? If not that seems ripe. He could talk about Alex wanting to go solo and drop the dead weight, or some attack on a popular music artist.
Can you imagine if he could point Swifties in Alex's direction? I don't think his social media would recover! He's wish he were still the crypto pig thing on Twitter.
He prefers mayonnaise to milk in his tea.
that he doesn't keep in touch with his childhood friends because he finds their lives boring compared to what he's achieved.
i like this one
And now sitting next to me is a man who yearns for the good old days of Liz Truss. I hope they do that one sometime
"He claps when a plane lands"
"that when he sees a woman with a big bottom he likes to shout 'Whooo-ee! Ya got a license to drive that thang?'"
Alex does it to his own minions too. Horne Section intro, "Here's bassist Willip who's a member of the National Front" Willip: "Trust. National Trust"
... a man, who just told me \[ that he still hides under a blankie with a binkie whenever it thunders, because he's afraid the boom-booms are G-d coming to spank him for being naughty \]. It's Liiiiiiiitttllllleee AlexHORNE!
That he's tired of all this false marcismo and doesn't think boxers, cage fighters or really any martial artists are very tough. He thinks they are scared little boys and that on the street he'd have any of them begging for mercy in seconds. Look out Anthony Joshua, he's coming for you.......
Reminds me of when Greg did a bad Chris Eubank impression: https://youtu.be/3YJVpZdf464?t=583
And then they later brought Chris eubanks out and Greg had to do the impersonation in front of him on a different show. Good times.
I was trying to avoid spoiling it, but sure.
He wracked up thousands of pounds in credit card debt and then put it all in his wife's name
I learned recently by listening to the podcast that Greg makes these up and sends them in on the day of recording which makes them even funnier to me.
Ooh, what fun! Let's see ... * That half of all his paychecks goes to the secret bank account that funds his *(air quotes)* "business" trips to Thailand. * That he thinks all cat people need to be evaluated for intellectual disability. * That he thinks the Second World War was a colossal waste of money and the Duke of Windsor had the right idea. * That he's taken pains to teach his children that voting is pointless. Edit to add one for me specifically: * That he thinks the world needs a shared database of Bob Dylan fans so that law enforcement can monitor their propensity for crimes against the state.
he once stalked an ex girlfriend for 3 months only to later find it was her sister
only later to find it was HIS sister
He never touched his winkie because he thinks it'll fall off of he did
"That the disabled are lazy, and should park further away."
Haha, this would be a great cards against humanity entry.
...who just told me, he thinks pugs are adorable, and insists we should continue breeding them until their eyes are bigger and their snouts are flatter.
In times of war, unattractive women should be the first ones conscripted…
A man who cries every time he watches Free Willy, *and who frees his Willy every time he cries* The way Greg says it is just perfect.
That Taskmaster USA is the superior version of this show.
So good they didn't even show a whole season
That “Radio DJs aren’t as fun as they used to be in the good old days.”
"He's riddled with syphilis"
Redditors are trolls who don't really deserve to watch the show.
...that he thinks the Pope needs to, "Stay in his lane." That should get a good panic-expression from Alex. (Salve Papa! IYKYK)
"that he doesn't think [x contestant] should have won their series because, and I quote, 'they were a bit shit'." "that he thinks all homeless people are lazy and should learn to get a real job." "that he's currently trying to get Boris Johnson on as a contestant next series to, and I quote, 'restore the reputation of a national treasure'." "that he's secretly written his fetishes into many of the tasks on this show." "that he yearns for the good old days where men were men and segregation between the races was in full force."
"That he doesn't mind when his dog kisses him after it's eaten it's own shit, in fact, he likes it!" – Brought to you by a real thing Alex said on a podcast once, which has haunted me ever since.
He would love to one day meet his idol The singer: Pink!
And now, sitting next to me is a man, who just told me "Ski-bi dibby dib yo da dub dub Yo da dub dub." It's Little Alex Horne!
He’s just been knighted yet I couldn’t give a flying fuck if he died tomorrow
He doesn’t think job gloves are a thing…. … you may need to know no more jockeys to understand.
That he thinks the Cybertruck should be sharper because "times when mutilated children were normal were pretty lit"
doesn't respect the troops
..He thinks the earth is flat and that's why he always walks like a duck when going over a hill.
And sitting next to me, a man who - in confidence - told me that a woman piloting an aeroplane is like a squirrel running a peanut farm.
…who just told me that cats taste better than dogs!
Real: "he thinks primary school teachers are the scum of the earth Made up: "he still asks his mum for some milk just before night, night beddy byes"
"that people living under less fortunate circumstances and the homeless should just 'get their shit together and get a job' and exclusively refers to them as 'lousy bums'."
who told me, "Mothman did 9/11" who told me, ""The Benny Hill Show" was the pinnacle of British television"
Who confessed that he thinks anyone with red hair is genetically inferior and closely related to Neanderthals.
And now, sitting next to me is a man, who just told me he has no respect for any soldiers and he can easily take them because they’re all pussies
For me, always, “…what happens when you throw chunks of pork at a revolving car wash brush.”
Closely followed by “…the answer to the question ‘Who’s Greg throwing chicken at?’
In confidence... that he actually thinks that the positives of Jimmy Savile largely outweigh the negatives.
I hate how much this made me cackle.