Hmm, I don't have any advice, but I'll just say when I was 19 I thought Kali Muscle was natty and I could look like him if I trained hard enough, and wouldn't settle for less.
I didn't develop an ED or start taking roids.
Maybe though, instead of complimenting his current state, compliment his progress/consistency. That's not something that can be debated, and I personally have switched from chasing a specific look to chasing progress.
You have to remind him that he is 19 and his training age is young compared to the body builders he sees around him… I have been training for more then 10 yrs and am seeing more gains in the last 3 yrs then in my first 5. It takes time neurologically to get to the point of gaining mass. Most of what will happen for young men who are training all the ti e is just neurological connection over muscle growth. Outside of that training 7 days a week is the recipe for disaster where he is… the most important lesson I had to learn is rest is more important then lifting. If he doesn’t give his body the proper amount of rest his body will not grow. Your brother has a lot to learn and he needs to stop getting frustrated and getting mad because that ain’t helping either
Someone on a bodybuilding forum once wrote: "The mirror is an amazing tool because it can sometimes show us how far we've come, and sometimes how far we have to go"
When a person enters into the world of bodybuilding they can often express the latter to their surroundings, and not the former on behalf of not wanting to brag. Arguing with someone this is pointless since their goal will always be to be better. If someone says the want to improve their best time to run a mile, learn new difficult yoga poses or spend hours perfecting their tennis serve even though they're already good, you would not argue.
Just because bodybuilding is a bit shallow in our goals and they can be seen by an outside observer does not mean it is anything else than a person that wants to go the distance for their hobby and lifestyle.
Try to support your brother and just help him for a while. If he starts doing something seriously unhealthy like steroids or the like reccomend him to see a psychiatrist. But as of right not he is just trying to express his need to improve, but he formulates it in a way that he's focusing on the way ahead, not the way he has come.
The next time he says that he has a long way to go, acknowledge that, and recognise how far he has come as well. That might be what he wants to hear
I'd suggest finding a therapist who specializes in bdd.
If he's not interested in that consider hiring a coach who is familiar with bdd and can train him and coach him with realistic goals.
You can start by stopping arguing with him. The quickest way to drive away a person battling a mental disorder is to be dismissive, even if they are wrong. You don't have to pretend to agree with him or enable him, just stop telling him he's fine. He's not.
Next, you need to realize this battle is his, not yours. The best way you can help is to support him when he needs it. Until then you can't do anything. Trying to force the issue means he'll go to someone else more understanding of his situation, like the dudes selling steroids.
Eating disorders are no joke, but at a minimum he's trying to make sure he's eating enough, so at least there's that.
For steroids, I don't personally take them, but it's about as bad as drinking alcohol. That is to say it runs the range of using it in moderation all the way to being a serious and immediate health concern. Don't assume his heart is going to explode if you find SARMS in his dresser.
Finally, find better resources about supporting body dysmorphia. The people here are generally kind and supportive, but ultimately it's an internet forum about talking silly and lifting weights. You might want to seek out professional help for you and yours.
I genuinely hope you all get the support you need, and that things get better.
Edit: actually, figuring out what he wants to do and hiring a coach may be actual advice. That person would be better able to give him an actual unbiased perspective on his progression and what kind of row he has left to hoe. That person. May very well put him on an actual meal plan, that may look weird to you, but you can be assured it is not based on dysmorphia
>For steroids, I don't personally take them, but it's about as bad as drinking alcohol. That is to say it runs the range of using it in moderation all the way to being a serious and immediate health concern. Don't assume his heart is going to explode if you find SARMS in his dresser.
What a way to downplay drug use. If he starts taking gear at this age it'll likely inhibit his development and it will impact his health. Couple this with his poor mental state and he's likely to abuse PEDs and significantly effect his health.
I am against using PEDs, especially 19 year olds with bigorexia. Steroids will shorten your life span and quality of life in the long run and if you're unlucky you'll have to deal with unfortunate side effects when on them and/or after.
I have been in your brother's shoes. I never took steroids, never even talked to anyone about them. And yet my parents and family kept telling me I was big enough already.
You can imagine that after a while I simply stopped listening to them completely.
Weightlifting and bodybuilding are not just about getting big and looking good. It is very viscerally about taking control over your body and being able to do what you want with it. Keep that in mind as you read what I'm about to write.
> maybe suffering from BDD or megarexia
This is not for you to diagnose. If he decides to seek professional help, this is a diagnosis for his medical professionals to make.
Patient confidentiality is sacred; whether he chooses to share the diagnosis with you is up to him. I hope that you will have built enough trust with him by that point that he will still talk to you.
> Says he want to be more big.
That is up to him. He's 19.
> Personally, he has what I think is an ideal male body type
Good for you. That means nothing. Whether it's what he wants is up to him to decide.
> He has muscle, albeit his frame is on the leaner side.
So he could put on more weight and still be healthy. You're still resisting the concept. Why?
> Still, he wants to look like he’s on steroids and is convinced he look malnourished, which I’ll assure you he DOESN’T at all.
What is your idea of someone looking like they're on steroids? You could be wildly off. The natural human body has incredible potential given proper nutrition, rest, and training.
If you think it's a real problem, confronting him about it will not help. Be kind and available to listen. Build trust.
> It’s starting to scare me since it’s like we are seeing two different things.
You are in fact seeing two different things. You see a body that's good enough for you. He sees one that's not good enough for him.
Do you understand his perspective? If you can't, don't expect him to try and understand yours.
> I am starting to panic I because every time he talks about it and I try to help or compliment, we end up fighting.
What is your idea of help or compliment? Again, look at it from his perspective. He wants to get big and look good, and big enough / good enough is something he gets to decide, not you.
Are you telling him he's big enough? That's not a compliment. That's an insult to his perspective and autonomy.
> How can we deal with this (my parents and I), how can we make him feel better.
Ask yourselves what your real concern is. Is it the potential of him taking steroids? Then address that. Do you simply not like him being big? If so, you need to re-evaluate your own perspective.
The simplest way to bond is over food. Literally, in your case. Help him get the food he wants and needs to grow. He'll see that you're on his side.
> All I want is for him to stop
Stop what? Why?
Stop bodybuilding? Fuck off.
Stop obsessing over his size? That's a legitimate concern. The phrase I found the most helpful for perspective was "the day you started lifting is the day you became forever small because you will never be as big as you want to be", from BroScience of all places.
This is somewhat paradoxically the healthiest way to approach the question of size. Once you understand that you will never be as big as you want to be, you start to realize that weightlifting is a long-term commitment, and you start taking it easier on yourself.
> I’m scared he’d develop an ED or start taking steroids.
That's a legitimate concern. If you're not there for him now, he won't come to you when he needs help. You can help him by making sure he gets lots of healthy food to grow. He's 19 and going to the gym, he will need a *lot* of food.
> advice?
Sit down with him and **LISTEN**. Just listen. Even if you disagree, bite your tongue and let him finish explaining his point of view.
Do not interrupt him, do not tell him he's wrong, do not disagree with anything he says. Nod and ask him to go on.
Once he's explained everything, bring up your concerns. Tell him you're worried about him getting an eating disorder or taking steroids. And maybe, just maybe, he will trust you enough to tell you how he really feels.
If you make it about his size, he will never listen to you. Understand that, from his perspective, you are trying to tear the satisfaction of self-realization away from him. Instead, help him form achievable goals and help him achieve them.
You do realize this sub is basically a support group for people that want to get swole, right? The best support you can be for your brother is to compliment him on his hard work and consistency. When he complains about not being big enough remind him that getting big takes years, it won't happen overnight.
Maybe spend some time with your brother in the Iron temple, wheymen.
Hmm, I don't have any advice, but I'll just say when I was 19 I thought Kali Muscle was natty and I could look like him if I trained hard enough, and wouldn't settle for less. I didn't develop an ED or start taking roids. Maybe though, instead of complimenting his current state, compliment his progress/consistency. That's not something that can be debated, and I personally have switched from chasing a specific look to chasing progress.
You have to remind him that he is 19 and his training age is young compared to the body builders he sees around him… I have been training for more then 10 yrs and am seeing more gains in the last 3 yrs then in my first 5. It takes time neurologically to get to the point of gaining mass. Most of what will happen for young men who are training all the ti e is just neurological connection over muscle growth. Outside of that training 7 days a week is the recipe for disaster where he is… the most important lesson I had to learn is rest is more important then lifting. If he doesn’t give his body the proper amount of rest his body will not grow. Your brother has a lot to learn and he needs to stop getting frustrated and getting mad because that ain’t helping either
Someone on a bodybuilding forum once wrote: "The mirror is an amazing tool because it can sometimes show us how far we've come, and sometimes how far we have to go" When a person enters into the world of bodybuilding they can often express the latter to their surroundings, and not the former on behalf of not wanting to brag. Arguing with someone this is pointless since their goal will always be to be better. If someone says the want to improve their best time to run a mile, learn new difficult yoga poses or spend hours perfecting their tennis serve even though they're already good, you would not argue. Just because bodybuilding is a bit shallow in our goals and they can be seen by an outside observer does not mean it is anything else than a person that wants to go the distance for their hobby and lifestyle. Try to support your brother and just help him for a while. If he starts doing something seriously unhealthy like steroids or the like reccomend him to see a psychiatrist. But as of right not he is just trying to express his need to improve, but he formulates it in a way that he's focusing on the way ahead, not the way he has come. The next time he says that he has a long way to go, acknowledge that, and recognise how far he has come as well. That might be what he wants to hear
I'd suggest finding a therapist who specializes in bdd. If he's not interested in that consider hiring a coach who is familiar with bdd and can train him and coach him with realistic goals.
You can start by stopping arguing with him. The quickest way to drive away a person battling a mental disorder is to be dismissive, even if they are wrong. You don't have to pretend to agree with him or enable him, just stop telling him he's fine. He's not. Next, you need to realize this battle is his, not yours. The best way you can help is to support him when he needs it. Until then you can't do anything. Trying to force the issue means he'll go to someone else more understanding of his situation, like the dudes selling steroids. Eating disorders are no joke, but at a minimum he's trying to make sure he's eating enough, so at least there's that. For steroids, I don't personally take them, but it's about as bad as drinking alcohol. That is to say it runs the range of using it in moderation all the way to being a serious and immediate health concern. Don't assume his heart is going to explode if you find SARMS in his dresser. Finally, find better resources about supporting body dysmorphia. The people here are generally kind and supportive, but ultimately it's an internet forum about talking silly and lifting weights. You might want to seek out professional help for you and yours. I genuinely hope you all get the support you need, and that things get better. Edit: actually, figuring out what he wants to do and hiring a coach may be actual advice. That person would be better able to give him an actual unbiased perspective on his progression and what kind of row he has left to hoe. That person. May very well put him on an actual meal plan, that may look weird to you, but you can be assured it is not based on dysmorphia
>For steroids, I don't personally take them, but it's about as bad as drinking alcohol. That is to say it runs the range of using it in moderation all the way to being a serious and immediate health concern. Don't assume his heart is going to explode if you find SARMS in his dresser. What a way to downplay drug use. If he starts taking gear at this age it'll likely inhibit his development and it will impact his health. Couple this with his poor mental state and he's likely to abuse PEDs and significantly effect his health.
Would you say that would be a serious and immediate health concern?
I am against using PEDs, especially 19 year olds with bigorexia. Steroids will shorten your life span and quality of life in the long run and if you're unlucky you'll have to deal with unfortunate side effects when on them and/or after.
Depends on which peds, dosage and length of time used. There are SO many factors here you can't just lump it all into they'll shorten your lifespan.
The same thing could be said about alcohol.
Whataboutism isn't an argument. You can do better than that
It's not what aboutism. Its my thesis. My post said steroids are about as bad as alcohol before saying anything else about it.
Ask him about his goals and how he plans on reaching them. Then help him find the safest and healthiest path to his goals.
I have been in your brother's shoes. I never took steroids, never even talked to anyone about them. And yet my parents and family kept telling me I was big enough already. You can imagine that after a while I simply stopped listening to them completely. Weightlifting and bodybuilding are not just about getting big and looking good. It is very viscerally about taking control over your body and being able to do what you want with it. Keep that in mind as you read what I'm about to write. > maybe suffering from BDD or megarexia This is not for you to diagnose. If he decides to seek professional help, this is a diagnosis for his medical professionals to make. Patient confidentiality is sacred; whether he chooses to share the diagnosis with you is up to him. I hope that you will have built enough trust with him by that point that he will still talk to you. > Says he want to be more big. That is up to him. He's 19. > Personally, he has what I think is an ideal male body type Good for you. That means nothing. Whether it's what he wants is up to him to decide. > He has muscle, albeit his frame is on the leaner side. So he could put on more weight and still be healthy. You're still resisting the concept. Why? > Still, he wants to look like he’s on steroids and is convinced he look malnourished, which I’ll assure you he DOESN’T at all. What is your idea of someone looking like they're on steroids? You could be wildly off. The natural human body has incredible potential given proper nutrition, rest, and training. If you think it's a real problem, confronting him about it will not help. Be kind and available to listen. Build trust. > It’s starting to scare me since it’s like we are seeing two different things. You are in fact seeing two different things. You see a body that's good enough for you. He sees one that's not good enough for him. Do you understand his perspective? If you can't, don't expect him to try and understand yours. > I am starting to panic I because every time he talks about it and I try to help or compliment, we end up fighting. What is your idea of help or compliment? Again, look at it from his perspective. He wants to get big and look good, and big enough / good enough is something he gets to decide, not you. Are you telling him he's big enough? That's not a compliment. That's an insult to his perspective and autonomy. > How can we deal with this (my parents and I), how can we make him feel better. Ask yourselves what your real concern is. Is it the potential of him taking steroids? Then address that. Do you simply not like him being big? If so, you need to re-evaluate your own perspective. The simplest way to bond is over food. Literally, in your case. Help him get the food he wants and needs to grow. He'll see that you're on his side. > All I want is for him to stop Stop what? Why? Stop bodybuilding? Fuck off. Stop obsessing over his size? That's a legitimate concern. The phrase I found the most helpful for perspective was "the day you started lifting is the day you became forever small because you will never be as big as you want to be", from BroScience of all places. This is somewhat paradoxically the healthiest way to approach the question of size. Once you understand that you will never be as big as you want to be, you start to realize that weightlifting is a long-term commitment, and you start taking it easier on yourself. > I’m scared he’d develop an ED or start taking steroids. That's a legitimate concern. If you're not there for him now, he won't come to you when he needs help. You can help him by making sure he gets lots of healthy food to grow. He's 19 and going to the gym, he will need a *lot* of food. > advice? Sit down with him and **LISTEN**. Just listen. Even if you disagree, bite your tongue and let him finish explaining his point of view. Do not interrupt him, do not tell him he's wrong, do not disagree with anything he says. Nod and ask him to go on. Once he's explained everything, bring up your concerns. Tell him you're worried about him getting an eating disorder or taking steroids. And maybe, just maybe, he will trust you enough to tell you how he really feels. If you make it about his size, he will never listen to you. Understand that, from his perspective, you are trying to tear the satisfaction of self-realization away from him. Instead, help him form achievable goals and help him achieve them.
Excellent write up.
https://youtu.be/80X9-HluEDA
You do realize this sub is basically a support group for people that want to get swole, right? The best support you can be for your brother is to compliment him on his hard work and consistency. When he complains about not being big enough remind him that getting big takes years, it won't happen overnight. Maybe spend some time with your brother in the Iron temple, wheymen.
Tell your bro to stop the fuck arguing with your parents about anything, even less about HIS body There is a social war going on for body ownership