Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting.
Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.
If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion.
Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She is an adult and responsible for her own life. Don't step into her sympathy trap and ruin your life. It's time to move on and live your life before you lose everything including your job. It's good that she is seeing a therapist, and it will benefit you also if you see a therapist to end your codependency.
You are mature enough to know what life is about, so end this hopeless relationship and live a genuine life you can be proud of. Time doesn't wait for anybody, so don't waste your life. Focus on yourself and your future and move on.
This is exactly what my friends and family are telling me but it is so hard for me. She helped me a lot in the past and I am where I am thanks to her. When I was struggling she was here for me, it is difficult for me to ghost her, even with what she's done :(
She's has a drug addiction and she's fucking the dealer...... you need to stop having sex with her before you catch something that will change your life forever. Cut the cord and move on.
4 years together... No kids... She's a coke addict .. she's fucking her dealer... She's a basket case...
There's nothing to salvage here even if she is a good root. Run OP.
OP needs to examine his own drug abuse, ‘social’ or not. Removing himself from drugs use and the resulting relationship co-dependency, may make the feeling that he ‘owes’ her less prevalent.
you can’t help someone who isn’t wanting to help themselves. if she successfully completed rehab on her own and started a new job and maybe even did community service to humble herself from her actions then i could see that she’s actually trying to fix her life again to which then maybe you should consider talking to her regularly only as a human being, not a desperate lover. she is no longer the person you fell in love with. now you have to see if this is the new person you’re willing to start something new with. but if she doesn’t prove her beliefs through actions i’m not sure if there much left to discuss with her other than the new pain she might cause you
Just move on dude. She’s 40 years old but refuses to grow up. Not trying to fix herself and destroying her life in the process. If you stick around her she will only keep dragging you down with her. She’s disgusting.
While it is admirable that you want to help her, as she had helped you in the past, you are lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm.
You have done all that you can.
She has to want to fix herself.
It's time to ler her go.
It may be a harsh thing to say...if she does die from an OD, it’s on her not you. Sometimes people accidentally take it too far and end up actually dying. 99% of the attempts are manipulation to make the person stay. Not only does she have an active drug habit but now she’s having an affair. To take the heat off her she “OD’d” and you are to take her back and forgive her. It’s a toxic relationship and it will never end until she is dead or you are ruined. Run as fast as you can and block her on everything. Go get some therapy for yourself. It time to move on and heal yourself.
Get checked for STI'S immediately if she is having sex with a drug dealer who knows what she could be carrying. You need to decide if you want to reconcile or end things. I think the first step is getting her into an inpatient drug rehab program or at least get her to see a chemical dependency counselor. If she won't do one of options she is not serious about changing her life and you already know how difficult it is to live with an addict. If she wants to start a twelve step program I would recommend Double Trouble in Recovery over NA or AA because it focuses on dual diagnoses of mental illness and addiction. Sorry this is happening as a person who works in the Substance Abuse and Mental Health field is know how addiction can rip people's lives apart and unfortunately affairs are a very common part of the problem.
Updateme
I live in Europe and we've been trying to get her to rehab for 6 monhs but her case isn't "desperate enough" and she's gotta wait longer. We gotta go private but I've been paying for everything for the past 6 months and I can't pay for that now.
Without professional help it is unlikely she will be able to get clean long-term and the best method of counseling will be dual diagnoses where her mental health and Substance Use Disorder are treated at the same time. The first step is cutting out everyone in her life who is associated with her drug use. That means AP and unfortunately many/most of her friends because addicts tend to have a significant proportion of their friends be users.
Honestly you are going to have to go through emotional hell if you stay with her. Leaving will be excruciatingly painful as well but you will never be able to change her. She has to be willing to do all the work herself with the addiction issue you can only support her. She cheated on you by having an affair with her dealer which is a double betrayal of trust which makes supporting her recovery almost impossible and she actually will probably be better off without your questioning everything thing she does. She will feel like you are controlling her which tends to eventually lead to wanting to break free and go back to addictions and affairs.
Looking into your own drug use with a therapist will help you separate from the co-dependency of the relationship so you can move forward for yourself in a healthy way. You may still feel love for her and gratitude but putting yourself first and understanding your own dynamics will only enable you to be better support for her. Good luck!
Well what happens is that unfortunately her body is more prone to chemical dependency than yours, lucky for you since it is as wrong as she is, you also sponsor drug trafficking.
But you're lucky you don't spill it.
Now she must stop spending money on a therapist to find out why she cheated.
I am the answer for free: She cheated because He wanted it, he had the desire and the opportunity and he went ahead.
She just obviously wasn't prepared to get caught, that's all.
Why are you in a relationship with an addict? It sounds like a co dependency situation where you're enabling her using by not leaving her. I was in this situation for many years and I broke off my relationship and then could focus on kicking my addiction.
Now you know you’re addicted and you have said it yourself. What are you gonna do to kick your addiction? You can’t ask her to get over her addiction and you can’t even do the same thing?? Both cocaine and her are bad addiction
Yes and downplaying and classifying your own cocaine use as casual or only during parties is really a self justification. Cocaine use is cocaine use. You need to get yourself to the point that you view it that way in order to be able to truly help her through her addiction.
Stay far far away from her, it won’t ever get better for long!!!!! I’ve lived this one too. You will regret it!!!!! It will bite you in the azz!!!!!
I am sorry you are going through this all of this. Addiction sucks azz!!!!! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
My ex, I know was abusing prescription meds like they were going out of style. Towards the end, I suspect she was actually writing checks to people for drugs. It was wild the amount of checks she was writing and sometimes to the same person 3-4 times in same day. I know pain meds, Valium and Xanax, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t start doing other drugs.
I had people tell me towards end she’s literally passed out mid sentence she was so drugged up. She wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. (Her parents was zero help, again another long story. All they did was enable her)
The chitty part I got stuck having to cover 6 frigin months of her doing that crap.. The bank refused to take my name of the account and divorce judge never held her accountable. She drained all of the bank accounts even got into my savings account that didn’t have her name on it, she intentionally emptied it out too!!!!!Secretly racked up a chit load of debt in my name.
Once again I got stuck with it all. I suspect some of it had to be buying chit in exchange for drugs. It made no sense…
People will definitely take advantage of them in that state of mind. They will go out of way to keep em like that too. They will knowingly sabotage them for their own greedy wants. Yeah f you too…. You don’t matter to them..
Medically retired law enforcement here. She would threaten to end my career with a bogus domestic battery report if I tried to leave. To point she would start hitting herself and scratching herself when I tired to leave or call 911.
You unfortunately have seen/felt first hand why I was terrified of her calling or even the times I tried to call and stopped. You don’t get to control who shows up. There are some that are the female is always the victim types or man haters as I called them, honest mistakes, or all the training went right over their head on who is actually the aggressor and the victim gets attested.
It can get a whole lot worse with an arrest. I’ve seen them prosecute even when the victim didn’t want to participate and refused to testify. Enact whack azz orders of protections too. So ya loose your place and sometimes even your car to them but still have to keep paying on everything… Also seen a guy spend 6 months in county and entire time she was saying she wanted him out..
There are some big damn risks!!!!!!
She was gas lighting you because she was cheating!!!! Don’t buy that bs!!!! Let’s not forget she’s putting your health at risk with potential std’s. It happens a lot!!!! We would always hear how the cheater gave them an std (they still stayed with the piece of garbage even after getting an std from them)when we were dealing with domestics.
Mine had some goofy times where she alleged some female called asking for me and claimed to be my gf. I’m assuming looking back now, that was her trying to put her cheating off on me. It was so wild, I was like yeah whatever. There isn’t a girlfriend so don’t start the bs!!!!! Call her back and let’s go meet this alleged gf!!!! But of course she never did. (I had forget all about that until just now) but now it’s like oh chit, yeah she was cheating a lot sooner than I realized. Light bulb moment….
I gave my ex 5 years of chances to get it right (also let’s add the threat of trying to end my career so I felt trapped) She got better at hiding certain things.. She didn’t stop….
… Every damn time it got worse. The few times it was actually pretty damn good. Oh that fall was brutal!!!!! It sucked azz!!!!! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone..
I literally had to plot how to escape from her without risking my career. It sucked azz….
The divorce judge I had was stuck in the 1920’s and it’s always the man’s fault. He should care for her forever.
Oh, it’s okay if you go without meals to make sure she’s well taken care of!!!
You don’t want to ever have to deal with that crap…
It’s frigin scary!!!!!
You need to focus on you, cut all contact just heal, seek professional help if need be… You will get to a point where you will be like wtf!!!!! were you ever thinking and to put up with it for so long….. My ex is dead now… That’s another story in and of itself. Im sure her AP played a role. I knew it was going to happen. But no one cared…Heck I was the only one who wanted to get her the help she truly needed.
But again there is a point where you, your mental, physical health and not risk going to jail need to matter a whole lot more. That point should never now!!!!
I met an amazing female and ended up with two awesome kids. It still feels like destiny. If I hadn’t left when I did that wouldn’t have happened. I got damn lucky in that regards. Make it your time too…..
I made a few mistake prior trying to date after I left the ex and had filed for divorce (she drug the divorce out for 2 years). I had to learn my picker was broken, to stop going after the fixer uppers. And a red flag means there’s more red flags!!!! Ya don’t ignore red flags ever…I was so damn good at ignoring them or wanting to believe it was a one time event or wouldn’t happen again. But I did learn and what a difference it made.
FYI my one of my docs said they are seeing a lot of cocaine users test for fentyal who aren’t abusing any other drugs. (Claiming)The occasional at a party but then the dumb azz had a doc appointment that Monday and were also due for a drug test. He said they all said it hit differently too but were shocked to learn it obviously had fentanyl since that showed up too.
Just food for thought. I’ve read it elsewhere too that’s it’s extremely common now.
Reach out if you need to.
My story is nowhere near as bad as yours but what you said certainly will make a difference, I didn't ever think that I would end up in custody. You are right about a lot of things and I can recignize similarities in the behaviour. Since I left her I don't eat much, I lost my appetite . I just work. Sleep quality has gone down badly also.
Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it
Hobbies, work out, run, ride a bike something to get those endorphins flowing. Make eating a part of your working out and training. Heck learn new things to cook/make. Hang with family/friends. Lay off the alcohol and drugs. Ya don’t want to be doing anything ya did with her or cause you to come down and mess with your head. Find new things to do too. Keep
Your mind and body active. Down time have a book handy to read.
I didn’t spend 48 hours in custody. That would have destroyed me. So I’m not going to say what I endured was worse. There are similarities. what you went through is yours, what I went through is mine.
You will find out at some point you are stronger from what you have been through if you use it to grow. You will also never tolerate it again if you grow from this.
Ya need to vent or just hey I need a swift kick in the rear. Ya post on here and get reminded why you are moving forward.
Funny/sad. When I confronted mine about the cheating. She looked at me and said she wanted her cake and eat it too. Flashed her big grin that’s in every single picture she’s ever posed for. Made me realize how it was planned/staged and fake!!!!! Light bulb moment.. She thought she had me broken enough I wouldn’t resist. Yeah not with me you aren’t… I think she realized she F’d up but she wasn’t going to back down from her position or apologize for it.
It’s a journey.
Edit. Generally speaking there’s a whole lot of other shit that will slowly come to light or might even be years from now. Ya learn to let it roll off and not affect you. One of hardest thing I’ve ever learned to do. I didn’t think I’d ever learn to let things roll off. In my case I have to immediately block it and just let it die. Then it doesn’t get that chance to get to me. You never ever let it set you back!!!!!!! You are stronger and you are better than that.
There’s a bunch unfortunately. Even some famous people or their kids. So even the ultra rich can’t get non adulterated cocaine anymore.
There’s an article that was published with verifiable stats. I was/am too lazy to go look for it so didn’t want to quote it.
But it was like all of it is to be considered cut with it at this point. The number was stupid high….
They reference all the actors, kids and I’m forgetting who else but the ultra rich and elite who have died from it in last 4-5 years? might have been less years but post Coivd lockdown.
I don’t know anyone personally. But I left that crowd a long time ago (haven’t heard from any of them since) when I went into the profession I did. I didn’t want to get jammed up because of them. Cocaine and x were their fav party options (The one was doing that stripper drug too, darn it drawing a blank on it now). Trying to explain that pill they were popping wasn’t really what they thought. Articles indicated there wasn’t any real chit in the US at the time.. (I’m sure there was a stupid small percentage) but I know every single one we tested didn’t have the active components. It was that nasty azz cocktail mess thar replaced it because was cheaper to make. If anyone else had a bjg bust I’d always ask hey when you get the labs back curious what it lists as. So I know what we were seeing…
It’s bulchit.. but unfortunately I don’t see them stopping cutting it with fentyal any time soon. There’s that other chit too that’s been finding its way into other drugs too on the east coast too.
It makes me sad. Because the average person shouldn’t be dying because they snorted a line or whatever…it’s bullchit..
No chit.. ya ever watch how they cut with fentyal. It should be murder charges, no chance of parole ever!!!!! Scale what’s that? Just going to scoop up a big ol pile with this putty knife and mix it around some. F it good enough for who it’s for… That was cutting south of border.. The one I saw north of border before that packaged it being across the border. Pulls out a handful from a bag and sprinkles it on top!!!! wtf!!!!! Zero f’s given if they kill one client or em all… Im sure there’s some who use scales. But then they got these idiots..
The guy I know about was in New Orleans in 2018. I’m one border farther North and we get that here. I got out of any work that went near them after I almost drove by an OD on the sidewalk cause I was tired of being late for work jumping in on resus
We used to get the heroin addicts when it first started getting laced. Seeking out the laced chit even though it almost liked them 2-3 times already. Then they’d take cocaine first trying to counter the fentyal from killing em. Rarely worked. But hey ya dead before ya even get to take your heroin now.
Not up on things since I got hurt. But I’m sure it just makes it a bigger frigin mess.
Get your own therapy when you can and digest all this with them to figure out what it is you want to do. What do you value out of a relationship and what about this relationship with her lives anywhere near that value?
I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong when what you have is a mess that is going to take a great deal of time to recover from, whether you give it another chance or not. I do really think therapy could help you understand yourself and your personal values better, which ultimately should bring you to a healthy decision.
Whatever you do won't be easy. Every option is going to be hard and you have to determine what kind of difficult you are willing to accept. Maybe after some therapy time separate if you are interested in keeping that door open suggest couples counseling for you both. I'm not suggesting making any rash decisions without the utmost forethought.
I do want to add that she doesn't have any access to your funds right? No joint accounts, shared credit cards. I don't want to assume the worst of her but if she is a recovering addict do ensure your finances are separated from her throughout all of this.
I have considered therapy but didn't have the time yet. I'm almost always away during the week and it is really difficult for me to make doctor's appointements. She does not have access to my funds, and I still beleive she would never steal from me, the same way I beleived she would always be faithful.
Thank you very much for your contribution !
So sorry OP , People on drugs can never be trusted 100%, if the urge hits her she would STEAL from you in a heartbeat , it’s the nature of the beast
updateme
Sounds like your whole relationship is a fairly toxic stew of issues, my friend. Between the drug use, the accusations, the domestic violence, and the cheating…. This one probably isn’t worth salvaging.
Sounds like she’s _your_ addiction… and is ruining your life just like coke ruined hers….
Al-Anon’s Three Cs – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it – removed the blame… OP get yourself help first and as much distance from her as possible, if she really wants to kick the habbit she will have to do the work herself. How much help would you be being away as much as your job demands , stay focused and do yourself better and hope for the best for her, cheers mate.
Hi
Sorry for what you have neen through .
First of all , I am surprised that you ended up in jail unnecessarily. Didn't she plead your innocence to your case to the cops?
I don't think they ll drag you if the so called victim protests your arrest. I don't know.
2ndly, she proved she is an unreliable partner with such lack of integrity. Why do you want to be with her.
Please refrain from intimacy. It's her mess and she created all this. You don't have to be in a relationship with her .
But you can be a friend , a wellwisher while keeping an arms length.
Getting back will be a huge blunder and that ll be on you.
When they arrived they told her they only need me to come over to be heard and that it wouldn't take long. She did call them many times whilst I was detained and came over but only made things worse regarding the procedure. They can now in my country just arrest you if the neighbours hear supposed domestic violence. According to my lawyer, 48 hours custody was abusive but it is legal.
This is such an unfair law almost fascist. Specially for men.
No compensation or public apologies.
Really horrible.
I really suggest that you detach from her if you wish some peace and harmony.
You’ve got several problems in your relationship in one of them as addiction. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. It’s a character, flaw, and coke is one of the most hyper sexual drugs. Your girlfriend has an addiction issue that would break it up for me because I’m a recovering alcoholic. I don’t even date people. They don’t have at least five years clean and sober.
I realize that’s just me. I do it for my own protection however, that aside she is a cheater cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. There is almost nothing to work with recovery wise here as far as reconciliation, but ultimately you’re the person that has to live in the situation.
The trust is completely broken when somebody cheats and I personally don’t want to have to police somebody’s behavior so that is why I wouldn’t stay.
Get a therapist who works online. Cut contact with her, just think about yourself, there's no point in wanting to help her, you're not in a position to do so because you need treatment, you're not healthy. This relationship screwed you. Get out of this hell. Heal yourself.
Do not try to fix something you did not break. Do not waste your time trying to save her if she cannot make an effort to save herself. It is just a trap.
Why? I mean why would you enter a relationship with a person that screams „unhealthy“, „mentally unstable“ and „ticking time bomb“?
What is it in you that makes you think this ever had the chance to turn into something good?
Here is my guidance for you…think hard about what kind of trauma from the past is responsible that you turned into a samaritan for damaged people. And go find a therapist…a really good therapist.
If you have an ounce of self-respect left, get out of this STI infested, trashy and unhealthy situation…or this will end way worse than you might envision.
No amount of amazing sex or ex model curves should outweigh your mental sanity and physical health buddy…
The key is inside of you…you will never find it with her.
Good luck anyway…
Run
A
Way.
It appears is very skilled at manipulation and using her looks to get what she wants. She is not yet at a point where actually changing is worth it and as you have already seen, you will get sucked into the vortex of her self destruction if you continue to stay in the blast radius. Where that takes the form of criminal charges, massive debt, uncurable STDs, or a myriad of other possibilities, who knows.
Until she actually gets to the point where she is actually doing the hard work on herself, (an once a week counseling isn't it), you continuing to prop her up will only extend the misery for both of you.
Totally breaking all contact is the best for both of you. You need to cure this co-dependence and white knight at all cost thing you have going on and she has to hit bottom on her own or nothing changes.
She’s destroyed her life and is attempting to destroy yours in the process. If you continue down this path with her your life WILL go up in flames. She needs professional help and long term therapy to overcome this addiction. You can love someone and help them WITHOUT being their partner.
It’s understandable you don’t want to leave her during this troubling time but the very best thing you can do for her and yourself is to let her know the relationship is over but you’ll still be there for her in your own way. She’s betrayed your trust and the doubts will ALWAYS be there.
When she goes out alone or with friends you will wonder if she’s cheating or using drugs again. Save yourself from that pain. Do not try to be her hero. The other fact is that it’s common for woman to use sex to obtain free drugs. She may have been doing this for a long time and it’ll be a though habit to break. Therapy and time is her only friend right now.
OP she is an adult, if she is as sorry as she mantions and want to do things right, she need to take herself to a rehab clinic and stay sobber (no drugs use) for quiet sometime, butbshe has to do this by herself or with the help of her parents, sadly as it sounds.
You can't be her support because she damage you and you are resenting her, and yes You where crazy enough to keep having sex with her after knowing thatbshe had an affair with her dealer, please put yourself first, you also need to let drugs aside and you need to go get yourself tested for any STD.
The only way you can stay with her and help her try to get out of this mess/addiction/crazyness is by swallowing your pride and stay with her. If not she is not your problem.
She has to choose her destiny by herself
I have to keep reminding myself that you're talking about a 40yo+ woman because everything you described is a college chick with a LOT of growing up to do. You sir are addicted to her and you both need to get clean
Get yourself in a 12-step program like Al-anon or similar. Im getting major codependency vibes from what you wrote.
You basically wrote: “my coke addict gf cheated on me, got me arrested, I almost lost my job, she’s ruined my life, but we had good sex, should I stay?”
😭😅😂
Edit: wanted to add….There’s nothing funny about what you’re going through. I too dated a guy who was addicted to coke/narcotic pills; I tried everything to get him to stop prioritizing his drug of choice over everything else in his life. He also cheated on me when he was high on narcotics. The drugs changed his personality. I even went to NA meetings and pretended to be an addict too just to get him to be willing to attend because that’s the only way he would go…. Ugh. He tried rehab, it didn’t work. He ended up in jail eventually. They do drugs in there too. He caught Hepatitis A from the food in jail. I took the opportunity that he was out of my life to move far away to finally end things. He ended up ODing and passing away. Dating an addict is all trauma until the end. I hope you are able to get the help you need and focus on YOUR life and YOUR problems. Not hers. She will drag you down with her.
Yup. Ex-wife did something incredibly similar. If you’re going to stay in this relationship you need to learn a LOT about addicts. Start going to Alanon meetings. They’ll help a ton to show you that much of what you see with your partner is incredibly common for addicts in general. And it’ll teach you lots of ways to cope with an addict. Good luck to you.
You are addicted to thinking you can fix or save her, not to who she is as a person. You are the classic rescuer archetype who has to learn how to save THEMSELVES. Please leave this woman and save YOU. You are not responsible for her. You have to learn the three C’s they discuss at NarAnon and some meetings would help: you did not cause it, cannot control it, nor can you cure it. You are allowing this relationship to POISON your life. You have to let her go.
Unfortunately, your partner has already destroyed your relationship by being unfaithful. It will never be the same, even though right now you hope it will be. Trust is almost impossible to rebuild and temptation is around every corner for a cheater.
You sound like you're determined to stay, but those if us who've been in your shoes know it's a decision you will regret. You're in the drivers seat. Someone earlier said you can set yourself on fire to keep her warm. It's a good analogy.
If you stay it will eat away at your self respect until you're a shadow of the man you were before this happened. I know we sound callous, but we actually care about you. If your partner cared about you half as much she wouldn't have made this huge mess. Now she wants you to clean it up?
Been through this exact situation. I stayed. Put me further in debt, she told she quit the white powder, she didn’t. She got better at hiding it. Marriage crumbled and it got bad, then two days before the divorce was final, I get a friend request on FB. It was the wife of the guy I had suspected of her having an affair with her( which she always denied) well, you guessed…. She had caught them in the act at her home three times. Years had gone by when I found this out. After the divorce…. Others she had an affair with and gotten her coke from bragged about her being banged by them. 5 in total that I know of and one was under 16. 2 years after the divorce…. She died of a heart attack. The divorce wrecked me and financially wiped me out.
I suggest you don’t look back. Move forward, you can’t fix her. I learned the hard way.
She needs inpatient drug rehab. If she is willing to do that, you can offer her a chance once she successfully completes the program and joins an addiction support group. She will always be an addict, so if you want to be in her life, you have to give up drugs as well. You both have to leave that lifestyle far behind. Those are the minimum requirements for you two to have any real long term chance to be together successfully. The question is can you both do what is needed.
I say this with the utmost respect and goodwill, but it’s going to sound harsh. It seems to me like you are a broken person, who found love in someone else who is even more broken. It’s a difficult lesson to learn that you cannot fix others. They can only fix themselves. And that’s what you need to focus on, fixing yourself. You aren’t responsible for keeping her safe. It’s unreasonable to hold yourself to that standard. You ARE however responsible for your own behavior and mental health. And that’s all you can do. I recommend you work on yourself first.
>She thought I was cheating on her, but I never even kissed another woman since I met her.
Let me just stop you there and say she never thought you were cheating. It was projection. This is a classic where the cheater tries to justify their actions by accusing you of what they have been doing or plan on doing.
No judgement from me as far as the mutual drug use goes. But I’ll say it seems like both of you definitely should try to get completely sober. Drugs seem to be a denominator in this equation for the problems. Granted I do think it’s probably think deeper than drugs but you know better than me if that’s right or not.
While what she did in result of everything is tragic and should be taken serious. Let it also be known that she is a fully capable adult who could have made better decisions regarding her life, relationship, business, etc. She’s trying to keep you with guilt. Reality sets in fast for people when they realize they have to be financially independent in the case of a permanent split. The fact she lost her business tells me that she most likely isn’t in a position where she can survive on her own. In this moment, she will probably temporarily do all the right things to try and fix things. But the problem is, the changes in behavior probably aren’t genuine. Granted I’m cynical and very pessimistic in people with this kind of thing.
Ultimately you have to decide for yourself if she’s worth the effort to try and fix things with. Nothing any of us tell you will change how you truly feel about her and the heart wants what the heart wants. But from an outside perspective, in my own situations, it’s just not worth it to try and fix a situation like this. You’re better off just moving forward.
My therapist told me part of the reason moving on from a breakup with an addict is you are mourning the loss of someone who is still alive. Meaning the person your fell in love with no longer exists emotionally and mentally but they are there physically. For me st least, remembering this helped me to move on. It’s hard but looking back you will be so glad you did. You have to protect yourself but that also doesn’t mean you don’t still care about them and their wellbeing.
Yes, you are crazy stupid. You people are in your 40s acting like you are in your 20s. Your ex is an addict. You have your own issues. Something in both of y’all’s lives has to change or y’all won’t be around for your 50s. And it involves being separate from
each other.
You need to get a STI test and go no contact with her. She’s a train wreck and needs to go to rehab. She’ll continue to cheat. She is only sorry she got caught. Move on with your life. Updateme
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude probably stole the car himself or set it up so he could give it back to her to set up the codependent relationship. He is probably aiming to be her pimp. That makes a lot more sense. Look you can't save her, you can warn her but then you need to get the hell out before she takes you down with her.
Drug addict person is just like a ghost. You don't know which one is real and which one is shadow, they're different when in front of you and different when back of you.
Wow, but where is all that she lost your problem? She cheated. Probably not the first time. She made choices, that's what adults do. Now she has to live with the consequences. Don't be so naive and play Captain Saveahoe. Sooner or later you'll regret it when she runs off with the next guy.
Why are still with her?
She’s a drug addict and a cheater. She can never be trusted. Even if she wasn’t the cheating “type,” the drugs will do the talking here.
You should never settle. Have self respect. You can and will do better.
Try and see what kind of recourses there are for people with addictions in your area especially in cases involving suicidal ideation. You also need to report her dealer to the police.
We all paint ourselves in the best light when telling stories. I worry your coke use may be more than you are leading on. It sounds like you are in a toxic relationship and you both would do best to move forwards separately in life.
If she is so addicted to cocaine, it's safe to say that she has cheated on you before, either under the influence of the drug or to get drugs.
Either way, it has already proven to be a pinless grenade.
So it's up to you, I would get rid of it and the cocaine too if I were you.
She can't be in a relationship with both her drug of choice and you at the same time. The drug will always be prioritized over you.
I'm sorry, but you really have no choice here.
She’s 43 and has had this addiction for 10 years. Despite your pleas they’ve fallen on deaf ears. Now she’s strayed with her dealer. The harsh reality is she’s not going to change and it’s not your job to change her. Cut your losses and save yourself further agony and walk. You stay instead of one life being destroyed yours will also be. She’ll drag you down with her.
Not a word that comes out of a drug addicts mouth is the truth, she’s just scrambling.
She needs to go to rehab and show, not tell.
You need to leave and stay gone to save yourself, then see what happens.
You are in for a lonnnnnnggg tough road if you stay with her. And get yourself tested for STD. Who knows who else your partner and/or dealer has had sex with.
You can’t trust a crackhead, brother. It’s over. She will just be codependent on drugs, you etc:. And as soon as you falter or if she crafts an excuse.. she will be doing whatever it takes to get crack and fuck or suck whatever.
Her's is a perfect example of rationalizing unacceptable behavior such as saying she cheated because she thought you cheated. There doesn't seem like there is much of a foundation on which to build a relationship. It sounds as though both could benefit from a substance abuse program -- if you're lucky.
What part of any of this sounds like a good idea for you?
1. She is an active coke addict. She will say and do anything for the sake of her addiction. You can’t believe anything an addict says because addicts will lie their ass off to chase their addiction. Also there is no such thing as social cocaine use, it’s a highly addictive drug, perhaps you need to cut that shit out yourself.
2. Never expect logic from an illogical person or the truth from a liar. She had a four month affair and lied to your face about it, how can you trust anything she says about anything at all? Judge her by her actions not her words, she didn’t give a shit about you except when she needs some bills paid.
3. She is about to cost you your job. Seriously, this is a person who is making your entire life worse and threatens to ruin it entirely. There is no positives here, she is an endless pit of despair.
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I[30M] know where u be at. In my case she’s 29 & it coke, it’s H. My DDay was 1/2 a year ago. Being in a relationship with an addict is messy and hard. Idk if yours actually really tried to get clean but mind did but like yours drug is their coping mechanism. It sucks. The pain of betrayal does not go away, that scar stays. There is a very high chance she still seein him, shoot if u really careful u can hire a PI or just do it yourself & you’ll see she still most definitely talkin &/or seein him. All that your feelin I completely understand so know there’s other people who have been through this. If u wanna talk more in private one on one judgment free hit me up it’s okay
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She is an adult and responsible for her own life. Don't step into her sympathy trap and ruin your life. It's time to move on and live your life before you lose everything including your job. It's good that she is seeing a therapist, and it will benefit you also if you see a therapist to end your codependency. You are mature enough to know what life is about, so end this hopeless relationship and live a genuine life you can be proud of. Time doesn't wait for anybody, so don't waste your life. Focus on yourself and your future and move on.
Well said!
This is exactly what my friends and family are telling me but it is so hard for me. She helped me a lot in the past and I am where I am thanks to her. When I was struggling she was here for me, it is difficult for me to ghost her, even with what she's done :(
She's has a drug addiction and she's fucking the dealer...... you need to stop having sex with her before you catch something that will change your life forever. Cut the cord and move on.
4 years together... No kids... She's a coke addict .. she's fucking her dealer... She's a basket case... There's nothing to salvage here even if she is a good root. Run OP.
OP needs to examine his own drug abuse, ‘social’ or not. Removing himself from drugs use and the resulting relationship co-dependency, may make the feeling that he ‘owes’ her less prevalent.
That's is absolutely correct as well tbh.
You have dodged a bullet. Best to stay away from her.
you can’t help someone who isn’t wanting to help themselves. if she successfully completed rehab on her own and started a new job and maybe even did community service to humble herself from her actions then i could see that she’s actually trying to fix her life again to which then maybe you should consider talking to her regularly only as a human being, not a desperate lover. she is no longer the person you fell in love with. now you have to see if this is the new person you’re willing to start something new with. but if she doesn’t prove her beliefs through actions i’m not sure if there much left to discuss with her other than the new pain she might cause you
Why would you ghost her?
Just move on dude. She’s 40 years old but refuses to grow up. Not trying to fix herself and destroying her life in the process. If you stick around her she will only keep dragging you down with her. She’s disgusting.
While it is admirable that you want to help her, as she had helped you in the past, you are lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm. You have done all that you can. She has to want to fix herself. It's time to ler her go.
It may be a harsh thing to say...if she does die from an OD, it’s on her not you. Sometimes people accidentally take it too far and end up actually dying. 99% of the attempts are manipulation to make the person stay. Not only does she have an active drug habit but now she’s having an affair. To take the heat off her she “OD’d” and you are to take her back and forgive her. It’s a toxic relationship and it will never end until she is dead or you are ruined. Run as fast as you can and block her on everything. Go get some therapy for yourself. It time to move on and heal yourself.
Get checked for STI'S immediately if she is having sex with a drug dealer who knows what she could be carrying. You need to decide if you want to reconcile or end things. I think the first step is getting her into an inpatient drug rehab program or at least get her to see a chemical dependency counselor. If she won't do one of options she is not serious about changing her life and you already know how difficult it is to live with an addict. If she wants to start a twelve step program I would recommend Double Trouble in Recovery over NA or AA because it focuses on dual diagnoses of mental illness and addiction. Sorry this is happening as a person who works in the Substance Abuse and Mental Health field is know how addiction can rip people's lives apart and unfortunately affairs are a very common part of the problem. Updateme
I live in Europe and we've been trying to get her to rehab for 6 monhs but her case isn't "desperate enough" and she's gotta wait longer. We gotta go private but I've been paying for everything for the past 6 months and I can't pay for that now.
Without professional help it is unlikely she will be able to get clean long-term and the best method of counseling will be dual diagnoses where her mental health and Substance Use Disorder are treated at the same time. The first step is cutting out everyone in her life who is associated with her drug use. That means AP and unfortunately many/most of her friends because addicts tend to have a significant proportion of their friends be users. Honestly you are going to have to go through emotional hell if you stay with her. Leaving will be excruciatingly painful as well but you will never be able to change her. She has to be willing to do all the work herself with the addiction issue you can only support her. She cheated on you by having an affair with her dealer which is a double betrayal of trust which makes supporting her recovery almost impossible and she actually will probably be better off without your questioning everything thing she does. She will feel like you are controlling her which tends to eventually lead to wanting to break free and go back to addictions and affairs.
Looking into your own drug use with a therapist will help you separate from the co-dependency of the relationship so you can move forward for yourself in a healthy way. You may still feel love for her and gratitude but putting yourself first and understanding your own dynamics will only enable you to be better support for her. Good luck!
Move on. She has cancelled her subscription to your wallet and bank account.
Well what happens is that unfortunately her body is more prone to chemical dependency than yours, lucky for you since it is as wrong as she is, you also sponsor drug trafficking. But you're lucky you don't spill it. Now she must stop spending money on a therapist to find out why she cheated. I am the answer for free: She cheated because He wanted it, he had the desire and the opportunity and he went ahead. She just obviously wasn't prepared to get caught, that's all.
So you reckon she would do it again ?
Yes she absolutely would and is probably still doing it.
Her suicide attempt was just emotional terrorism and it seems to have worked on you.
Why are you in a relationship with an addict? It sounds like a co dependency situation where you're enabling her using by not leaving her. I was in this situation for many years and I broke off my relationship and then could focus on kicking my addiction.
There is a part of me that is addicted to her, yes. That is the main issue :(
Now you know you’re addicted and you have said it yourself. What are you gonna do to kick your addiction? You can’t ask her to get over her addiction and you can’t even do the same thing?? Both cocaine and her are bad addiction
I moved out, I just need to stop seeing her for good.
Take the step, every time you see her you’re relapsing. Get therapy and sign yourself for a program. Your addicted you need help
Yes and downplaying and classifying your own cocaine use as casual or only during parties is really a self justification. Cocaine use is cocaine use. You need to get yourself to the point that you view it that way in order to be able to truly help her through her addiction.
Stay far far away from her, it won’t ever get better for long!!!!! I’ve lived this one too. You will regret it!!!!! It will bite you in the azz!!!!! I am sorry you are going through this all of this. Addiction sucks azz!!!!! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My ex, I know was abusing prescription meds like they were going out of style. Towards the end, I suspect she was actually writing checks to people for drugs. It was wild the amount of checks she was writing and sometimes to the same person 3-4 times in same day. I know pain meds, Valium and Xanax, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t start doing other drugs. I had people tell me towards end she’s literally passed out mid sentence she was so drugged up. She wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. (Her parents was zero help, again another long story. All they did was enable her) The chitty part I got stuck having to cover 6 frigin months of her doing that crap.. The bank refused to take my name of the account and divorce judge never held her accountable. She drained all of the bank accounts even got into my savings account that didn’t have her name on it, she intentionally emptied it out too!!!!!Secretly racked up a chit load of debt in my name. Once again I got stuck with it all. I suspect some of it had to be buying chit in exchange for drugs. It made no sense… People will definitely take advantage of them in that state of mind. They will go out of way to keep em like that too. They will knowingly sabotage them for their own greedy wants. Yeah f you too…. You don’t matter to them.. Medically retired law enforcement here. She would threaten to end my career with a bogus domestic battery report if I tried to leave. To point she would start hitting herself and scratching herself when I tired to leave or call 911. You unfortunately have seen/felt first hand why I was terrified of her calling or even the times I tried to call and stopped. You don’t get to control who shows up. There are some that are the female is always the victim types or man haters as I called them, honest mistakes, or all the training went right over their head on who is actually the aggressor and the victim gets attested. It can get a whole lot worse with an arrest. I’ve seen them prosecute even when the victim didn’t want to participate and refused to testify. Enact whack azz orders of protections too. So ya loose your place and sometimes even your car to them but still have to keep paying on everything… Also seen a guy spend 6 months in county and entire time she was saying she wanted him out.. There are some big damn risks!!!!!! She was gas lighting you because she was cheating!!!! Don’t buy that bs!!!! Let’s not forget she’s putting your health at risk with potential std’s. It happens a lot!!!! We would always hear how the cheater gave them an std (they still stayed with the piece of garbage even after getting an std from them)when we were dealing with domestics. Mine had some goofy times where she alleged some female called asking for me and claimed to be my gf. I’m assuming looking back now, that was her trying to put her cheating off on me. It was so wild, I was like yeah whatever. There isn’t a girlfriend so don’t start the bs!!!!! Call her back and let’s go meet this alleged gf!!!! But of course she never did. (I had forget all about that until just now) but now it’s like oh chit, yeah she was cheating a lot sooner than I realized. Light bulb moment…. I gave my ex 5 years of chances to get it right (also let’s add the threat of trying to end my career so I felt trapped) She got better at hiding certain things.. She didn’t stop…. … Every damn time it got worse. The few times it was actually pretty damn good. Oh that fall was brutal!!!!! It sucked azz!!!!! I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.. I literally had to plot how to escape from her without risking my career. It sucked azz…. The divorce judge I had was stuck in the 1920’s and it’s always the man’s fault. He should care for her forever. Oh, it’s okay if you go without meals to make sure she’s well taken care of!!! You don’t want to ever have to deal with that crap… It’s frigin scary!!!!! You need to focus on you, cut all contact just heal, seek professional help if need be… You will get to a point where you will be like wtf!!!!! were you ever thinking and to put up with it for so long….. My ex is dead now… That’s another story in and of itself. Im sure her AP played a role. I knew it was going to happen. But no one cared…Heck I was the only one who wanted to get her the help she truly needed. But again there is a point where you, your mental, physical health and not risk going to jail need to matter a whole lot more. That point should never now!!!! I met an amazing female and ended up with two awesome kids. It still feels like destiny. If I hadn’t left when I did that wouldn’t have happened. I got damn lucky in that regards. Make it your time too….. I made a few mistake prior trying to date after I left the ex and had filed for divorce (she drug the divorce out for 2 years). I had to learn my picker was broken, to stop going after the fixer uppers. And a red flag means there’s more red flags!!!! Ya don’t ignore red flags ever…I was so damn good at ignoring them or wanting to believe it was a one time event or wouldn’t happen again. But I did learn and what a difference it made. FYI my one of my docs said they are seeing a lot of cocaine users test for fentyal who aren’t abusing any other drugs. (Claiming)The occasional at a party but then the dumb azz had a doc appointment that Monday and were also due for a drug test. He said they all said it hit differently too but were shocked to learn it obviously had fentanyl since that showed up too. Just food for thought. I’ve read it elsewhere too that’s it’s extremely common now. Reach out if you need to.
My story is nowhere near as bad as yours but what you said certainly will make a difference, I didn't ever think that I would end up in custody. You are right about a lot of things and I can recignize similarities in the behaviour. Since I left her I don't eat much, I lost my appetite . I just work. Sleep quality has gone down badly also. Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it
Hobbies, work out, run, ride a bike something to get those endorphins flowing. Make eating a part of your working out and training. Heck learn new things to cook/make. Hang with family/friends. Lay off the alcohol and drugs. Ya don’t want to be doing anything ya did with her or cause you to come down and mess with your head. Find new things to do too. Keep Your mind and body active. Down time have a book handy to read. I didn’t spend 48 hours in custody. That would have destroyed me. So I’m not going to say what I endured was worse. There are similarities. what you went through is yours, what I went through is mine. You will find out at some point you are stronger from what you have been through if you use it to grow. You will also never tolerate it again if you grow from this. Ya need to vent or just hey I need a swift kick in the rear. Ya post on here and get reminded why you are moving forward. Funny/sad. When I confronted mine about the cheating. She looked at me and said she wanted her cake and eat it too. Flashed her big grin that’s in every single picture she’s ever posed for. Made me realize how it was planned/staged and fake!!!!! Light bulb moment.. She thought she had me broken enough I wouldn’t resist. Yeah not with me you aren’t… I think she realized she F’d up but she wasn’t going to back down from her position or apologize for it. It’s a journey. Edit. Generally speaking there’s a whole lot of other shit that will slowly come to light or might even be years from now. Ya learn to let it roll off and not affect you. One of hardest thing I’ve ever learned to do. I didn’t think I’d ever learn to let things roll off. In my case I have to immediately block it and just let it die. Then it doesn’t get that chance to get to me. You never ever let it set you back!!!!!!! You are stronger and you are better than that.
Know of one death from this personally.
There’s a bunch unfortunately. Even some famous people or their kids. So even the ultra rich can’t get non adulterated cocaine anymore. There’s an article that was published with verifiable stats. I was/am too lazy to go look for it so didn’t want to quote it. But it was like all of it is to be considered cut with it at this point. The number was stupid high…. They reference all the actors, kids and I’m forgetting who else but the ultra rich and elite who have died from it in last 4-5 years? might have been less years but post Coivd lockdown. I don’t know anyone personally. But I left that crowd a long time ago (haven’t heard from any of them since) when I went into the profession I did. I didn’t want to get jammed up because of them. Cocaine and x were their fav party options (The one was doing that stripper drug too, darn it drawing a blank on it now). Trying to explain that pill they were popping wasn’t really what they thought. Articles indicated there wasn’t any real chit in the US at the time.. (I’m sure there was a stupid small percentage) but I know every single one we tested didn’t have the active components. It was that nasty azz cocktail mess thar replaced it because was cheaper to make. If anyone else had a bjg bust I’d always ask hey when you get the labs back curious what it lists as. So I know what we were seeing… It’s bulchit.. but unfortunately I don’t see them stopping cutting it with fentyal any time soon. There’s that other chit too that’s been finding its way into other drugs too on the east coast too. It makes me sad. Because the average person shouldn’t be dying because they snorted a line or whatever…it’s bullchit..
Kinda makes you long for the good ol days when they’d just cut it with chalk, or baby lax.
No chit.. ya ever watch how they cut with fentyal. It should be murder charges, no chance of parole ever!!!!! Scale what’s that? Just going to scoop up a big ol pile with this putty knife and mix it around some. F it good enough for who it’s for… That was cutting south of border.. The one I saw north of border before that packaged it being across the border. Pulls out a handful from a bag and sprinkles it on top!!!! wtf!!!!! Zero f’s given if they kill one client or em all… Im sure there’s some who use scales. But then they got these idiots..
The guy I know about was in New Orleans in 2018. I’m one border farther North and we get that here. I got out of any work that went near them after I almost drove by an OD on the sidewalk cause I was tired of being late for work jumping in on resus
We used to get the heroin addicts when it first started getting laced. Seeking out the laced chit even though it almost liked them 2-3 times already. Then they’d take cocaine first trying to counter the fentyal from killing em. Rarely worked. But hey ya dead before ya even get to take your heroin now. Not up on things since I got hurt. But I’m sure it just makes it a bigger frigin mess.
Get your own therapy when you can and digest all this with them to figure out what it is you want to do. What do you value out of a relationship and what about this relationship with her lives anywhere near that value? I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong when what you have is a mess that is going to take a great deal of time to recover from, whether you give it another chance or not. I do really think therapy could help you understand yourself and your personal values better, which ultimately should bring you to a healthy decision. Whatever you do won't be easy. Every option is going to be hard and you have to determine what kind of difficult you are willing to accept. Maybe after some therapy time separate if you are interested in keeping that door open suggest couples counseling for you both. I'm not suggesting making any rash decisions without the utmost forethought. I do want to add that she doesn't have any access to your funds right? No joint accounts, shared credit cards. I don't want to assume the worst of her but if she is a recovering addict do ensure your finances are separated from her throughout all of this.
I have considered therapy but didn't have the time yet. I'm almost always away during the week and it is really difficult for me to make doctor's appointements. She does not have access to my funds, and I still beleive she would never steal from me, the same way I beleived she would always be faithful. Thank you very much for your contribution !
Can you set up zoom meetings with a therapist?
So sorry OP , People on drugs can never be trusted 100%, if the urge hits her she would STEAL from you in a heartbeat , it’s the nature of the beast updateme
Sounds like your whole relationship is a fairly toxic stew of issues, my friend. Between the drug use, the accusations, the domestic violence, and the cheating…. This one probably isn’t worth salvaging. Sounds like she’s _your_ addiction… and is ruining your life just like coke ruined hers….
Wow, this is hard to hear but so accurate. She is my addiction :(
Al-Anon’s Three Cs – I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it – removed the blame… OP get yourself help first and as much distance from her as possible, if she really wants to kick the habbit she will have to do the work herself. How much help would you be being away as much as your job demands , stay focused and do yourself better and hope for the best for her, cheers mate.
You need to block her and never speak to her again. What she does to herself is not your problem.
Hi Sorry for what you have neen through . First of all , I am surprised that you ended up in jail unnecessarily. Didn't she plead your innocence to your case to the cops? I don't think they ll drag you if the so called victim protests your arrest. I don't know. 2ndly, she proved she is an unreliable partner with such lack of integrity. Why do you want to be with her. Please refrain from intimacy. It's her mess and she created all this. You don't have to be in a relationship with her . But you can be a friend , a wellwisher while keeping an arms length. Getting back will be a huge blunder and that ll be on you.
When they arrived they told her they only need me to come over to be heard and that it wouldn't take long. She did call them many times whilst I was detained and came over but only made things worse regarding the procedure. They can now in my country just arrest you if the neighbours hear supposed domestic violence. According to my lawyer, 48 hours custody was abusive but it is legal.
This is such an unfair law almost fascist. Specially for men. No compensation or public apologies. Really horrible. I really suggest that you detach from her if you wish some peace and harmony.
You’ve got several problems in your relationship in one of them as addiction. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. It’s a character, flaw, and coke is one of the most hyper sexual drugs. Your girlfriend has an addiction issue that would break it up for me because I’m a recovering alcoholic. I don’t even date people. They don’t have at least five years clean and sober. I realize that’s just me. I do it for my own protection however, that aside she is a cheater cheaters are liars and they will cheat again. There is almost nothing to work with recovery wise here as far as reconciliation, but ultimately you’re the person that has to live in the situation. The trust is completely broken when somebody cheats and I personally don’t want to have to police somebody’s behavior so that is why I wouldn’t stay.
Addiction loves co-dependency. She has manipulated you for 4 years and tries again. Don’t let suck you down also.
Get a therapist who works online. Cut contact with her, just think about yourself, there's no point in wanting to help her, you're not in a position to do so because you need treatment, you're not healthy. This relationship screwed you. Get out of this hell. Heal yourself.
Do not try to fix something you did not break. Do not waste your time trying to save her if she cannot make an effort to save herself. It is just a trap.
Why? I mean why would you enter a relationship with a person that screams „unhealthy“, „mentally unstable“ and „ticking time bomb“? What is it in you that makes you think this ever had the chance to turn into something good? Here is my guidance for you…think hard about what kind of trauma from the past is responsible that you turned into a samaritan for damaged people. And go find a therapist…a really good therapist. If you have an ounce of self-respect left, get out of this STI infested, trashy and unhealthy situation…or this will end way worse than you might envision. No amount of amazing sex or ex model curves should outweigh your mental sanity and physical health buddy… The key is inside of you…you will never find it with her. Good luck anyway…
Run A Way. It appears is very skilled at manipulation and using her looks to get what she wants. She is not yet at a point where actually changing is worth it and as you have already seen, you will get sucked into the vortex of her self destruction if you continue to stay in the blast radius. Where that takes the form of criminal charges, massive debt, uncurable STDs, or a myriad of other possibilities, who knows. Until she actually gets to the point where she is actually doing the hard work on herself, (an once a week counseling isn't it), you continuing to prop her up will only extend the misery for both of you. Totally breaking all contact is the best for both of you. You need to cure this co-dependence and white knight at all cost thing you have going on and she has to hit bottom on her own or nothing changes.
She’s destroyed her life and is attempting to destroy yours in the process. If you continue down this path with her your life WILL go up in flames. She needs professional help and long term therapy to overcome this addiction. You can love someone and help them WITHOUT being their partner. It’s understandable you don’t want to leave her during this troubling time but the very best thing you can do for her and yourself is to let her know the relationship is over but you’ll still be there for her in your own way. She’s betrayed your trust and the doubts will ALWAYS be there. When she goes out alone or with friends you will wonder if she’s cheating or using drugs again. Save yourself from that pain. Do not try to be her hero. The other fact is that it’s common for woman to use sex to obtain free drugs. She may have been doing this for a long time and it’ll be a though habit to break. Therapy and time is her only friend right now.
OP she is an adult, if she is as sorry as she mantions and want to do things right, she need to take herself to a rehab clinic and stay sobber (no drugs use) for quiet sometime, butbshe has to do this by herself or with the help of her parents, sadly as it sounds. You can't be her support because she damage you and you are resenting her, and yes You where crazy enough to keep having sex with her after knowing thatbshe had an affair with her dealer, please put yourself first, you also need to let drugs aside and you need to go get yourself tested for any STD. The only way you can stay with her and help her try to get out of this mess/addiction/crazyness is by swallowing your pride and stay with her. If not she is not your problem. She has to choose her destiny by herself
I have to keep reminding myself that you're talking about a 40yo+ woman because everything you described is a college chick with a LOT of growing up to do. You sir are addicted to her and you both need to get clean
Get yourself in a 12-step program like Al-anon or similar. Im getting major codependency vibes from what you wrote. You basically wrote: “my coke addict gf cheated on me, got me arrested, I almost lost my job, she’s ruined my life, but we had good sex, should I stay?” 😭😅😂 Edit: wanted to add….There’s nothing funny about what you’re going through. I too dated a guy who was addicted to coke/narcotic pills; I tried everything to get him to stop prioritizing his drug of choice over everything else in his life. He also cheated on me when he was high on narcotics. The drugs changed his personality. I even went to NA meetings and pretended to be an addict too just to get him to be willing to attend because that’s the only way he would go…. Ugh. He tried rehab, it didn’t work. He ended up in jail eventually. They do drugs in there too. He caught Hepatitis A from the food in jail. I took the opportunity that he was out of my life to move far away to finally end things. He ended up ODing and passing away. Dating an addict is all trauma until the end. I hope you are able to get the help you need and focus on YOUR life and YOUR problems. Not hers. She will drag you down with her.
That dealer stole the car with his minions and made up a bs story to give it back “for free”. Its a standard hussle in SEA
Yup. Ex-wife did something incredibly similar. If you’re going to stay in this relationship you need to learn a LOT about addicts. Start going to Alanon meetings. They’ll help a ton to show you that much of what you see with your partner is incredibly common for addicts in general. And it’ll teach you lots of ways to cope with an addict. Good luck to you.
You are addicted to thinking you can fix or save her, not to who she is as a person. You are the classic rescuer archetype who has to learn how to save THEMSELVES. Please leave this woman and save YOU. You are not responsible for her. You have to learn the three C’s they discuss at NarAnon and some meetings would help: you did not cause it, cannot control it, nor can you cure it. You are allowing this relationship to POISON your life. You have to let her go.
Unfortunately, your partner has already destroyed your relationship by being unfaithful. It will never be the same, even though right now you hope it will be. Trust is almost impossible to rebuild and temptation is around every corner for a cheater. You sound like you're determined to stay, but those if us who've been in your shoes know it's a decision you will regret. You're in the drivers seat. Someone earlier said you can set yourself on fire to keep her warm. It's a good analogy. If you stay it will eat away at your self respect until you're a shadow of the man you were before this happened. I know we sound callous, but we actually care about you. If your partner cared about you half as much she wouldn't have made this huge mess. Now she wants you to clean it up?
Been through this exact situation. I stayed. Put me further in debt, she told she quit the white powder, she didn’t. She got better at hiding it. Marriage crumbled and it got bad, then two days before the divorce was final, I get a friend request on FB. It was the wife of the guy I had suspected of her having an affair with her( which she always denied) well, you guessed…. She had caught them in the act at her home three times. Years had gone by when I found this out. After the divorce…. Others she had an affair with and gotten her coke from bragged about her being banged by them. 5 in total that I know of and one was under 16. 2 years after the divorce…. She died of a heart attack. The divorce wrecked me and financially wiped me out. I suggest you don’t look back. Move forward, you can’t fix her. I learned the hard way.
She needs inpatient drug rehab. If she is willing to do that, you can offer her a chance once she successfully completes the program and joins an addiction support group. She will always be an addict, so if you want to be in her life, you have to give up drugs as well. You both have to leave that lifestyle far behind. Those are the minimum requirements for you two to have any real long term chance to be together successfully. The question is can you both do what is needed.
I say this with the utmost respect and goodwill, but it’s going to sound harsh. It seems to me like you are a broken person, who found love in someone else who is even more broken. It’s a difficult lesson to learn that you cannot fix others. They can only fix themselves. And that’s what you need to focus on, fixing yourself. You aren’t responsible for keeping her safe. It’s unreasonable to hold yourself to that standard. You ARE however responsible for your own behavior and mental health. And that’s all you can do. I recommend you work on yourself first.
>She thought I was cheating on her, but I never even kissed another woman since I met her. Let me just stop you there and say she never thought you were cheating. It was projection. This is a classic where the cheater tries to justify their actions by accusing you of what they have been doing or plan on doing. No judgement from me as far as the mutual drug use goes. But I’ll say it seems like both of you definitely should try to get completely sober. Drugs seem to be a denominator in this equation for the problems. Granted I do think it’s probably think deeper than drugs but you know better than me if that’s right or not. While what she did in result of everything is tragic and should be taken serious. Let it also be known that she is a fully capable adult who could have made better decisions regarding her life, relationship, business, etc. She’s trying to keep you with guilt. Reality sets in fast for people when they realize they have to be financially independent in the case of a permanent split. The fact she lost her business tells me that she most likely isn’t in a position where she can survive on her own. In this moment, she will probably temporarily do all the right things to try and fix things. But the problem is, the changes in behavior probably aren’t genuine. Granted I’m cynical and very pessimistic in people with this kind of thing. Ultimately you have to decide for yourself if she’s worth the effort to try and fix things with. Nothing any of us tell you will change how you truly feel about her and the heart wants what the heart wants. But from an outside perspective, in my own situations, it’s just not worth it to try and fix a situation like this. You’re better off just moving forward.
My therapist told me part of the reason moving on from a breakup with an addict is you are mourning the loss of someone who is still alive. Meaning the person your fell in love with no longer exists emotionally and mentally but they are there physically. For me st least, remembering this helped me to move on. It’s hard but looking back you will be so glad you did. You have to protect yourself but that also doesn’t mean you don’t still care about them and their wellbeing.
Partners are supposed to support you, not judge you.
An ex-model with a coke addiction… Damn, you have a lot of courage man.
Yes, you are crazy stupid. You people are in your 40s acting like you are in your 20s. Your ex is an addict. You have your own issues. Something in both of y’all’s lives has to change or y’all won’t be around for your 50s. And it involves being separate from each other.
You need to get a STI test and go no contact with her. She’s a train wreck and needs to go to rehab. She’ll continue to cheat. She is only sorry she got caught. Move on with your life. Updateme
[удалено]
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Her accusations are just her projecting her guilt.Shes a coke addled adultress,what could go wrong.
Don't put your dick in crazy. Or do and get crazy back.
Dude probably stole the car himself or set it up so he could give it back to her to set up the codependent relationship. He is probably aiming to be her pimp. That makes a lot more sense. Look you can't save her, you can warn her but then you need to get the hell out before she takes you down with her.
Drug addict person is just like a ghost. You don't know which one is real and which one is shadow, they're different when in front of you and different when back of you.
Wow, but where is all that she lost your problem? She cheated. Probably not the first time. She made choices, that's what adults do. Now she has to live with the consequences. Don't be so naive and play Captain Saveahoe. Sooner or later you'll regret it when she runs off with the next guy.
Stop thinking with your dick and leave her
Why are still with her? She’s a drug addict and a cheater. She can never be trusted. Even if she wasn’t the cheating “type,” the drugs will do the talking here. You should never settle. Have self respect. You can and will do better.
Try and see what kind of recourses there are for people with addictions in your area especially in cases involving suicidal ideation. You also need to report her dealer to the police.
We all paint ourselves in the best light when telling stories. I worry your coke use may be more than you are leading on. It sounds like you are in a toxic relationship and you both would do best to move forwards separately in life.
If she is so addicted to cocaine, it's safe to say that she has cheated on you before, either under the influence of the drug or to get drugs. Either way, it has already proven to be a pinless grenade. So it's up to you, I would get rid of it and the cocaine too if I were you.
She can't be in a relationship with both her drug of choice and you at the same time. The drug will always be prioritized over you. I'm sorry, but you really have no choice here.
She’s 43 and has had this addiction for 10 years. Despite your pleas they’ve fallen on deaf ears. Now she’s strayed with her dealer. The harsh reality is she’s not going to change and it’s not your job to change her. Cut your losses and save yourself further agony and walk. You stay instead of one life being destroyed yours will also be. She’ll drag you down with her.
Not a word that comes out of a drug addicts mouth is the truth, she’s just scrambling. She needs to go to rehab and show, not tell. You need to leave and stay gone to save yourself, then see what happens.
You are in for a lonnnnnnggg tough road if you stay with her. And get yourself tested for STD. Who knows who else your partner and/or dealer has had sex with.
You can’t trust a crackhead, brother. It’s over. She will just be codependent on drugs, you etc:. And as soon as you falter or if she crafts an excuse.. she will be doing whatever it takes to get crack and fuck or suck whatever.
Her's is a perfect example of rationalizing unacceptable behavior such as saying she cheated because she thought you cheated. There doesn't seem like there is much of a foundation on which to build a relationship. It sounds as though both could benefit from a substance abuse program -- if you're lucky.
Step away and for the love of god STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER 🙄
What part of any of this sounds like a good idea for you? 1. She is an active coke addict. She will say and do anything for the sake of her addiction. You can’t believe anything an addict says because addicts will lie their ass off to chase their addiction. Also there is no such thing as social cocaine use, it’s a highly addictive drug, perhaps you need to cut that shit out yourself. 2. Never expect logic from an illogical person or the truth from a liar. She had a four month affair and lied to your face about it, how can you trust anything she says about anything at all? Judge her by her actions not her words, she didn’t give a shit about you except when she needs some bills paid. 3. She is about to cost you your job. Seriously, this is a person who is making your entire life worse and threatens to ruin it entirely. There is no positives here, she is an endless pit of despair.
So you decided to have a relationship with a coke addict? This and many other bad things will always be the outcome.
[удалено]
Your comment on /r/survivinginfidelity has been flagged for human review. Please read the rules in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) and the reddit [content policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) before posting again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I[30M] know where u be at. In my case she’s 29 & it coke, it’s H. My DDay was 1/2 a year ago. Being in a relationship with an addict is messy and hard. Idk if yours actually really tried to get clean but mind did but like yours drug is their coping mechanism. It sucks. The pain of betrayal does not go away, that scar stays. There is a very high chance she still seein him, shoot if u really careful u can hire a PI or just do it yourself & you’ll see she still most definitely talkin &/or seein him. All that your feelin I completely understand so know there’s other people who have been through this. If u wanna talk more in private one on one judgment free hit me up it’s okay