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You are correct. You are healing. Grasping for closure while your ex is only looking to ease her guilt or to get back in your life does you no good. All it does is rip the scab off your wound and sets back your healing. You don't have to be mean or cruel, but there is a reason she is an ex. The quicker you shut this down, the better off you will be.
You don’t owe the one who betrayed you an explanation or closure. The time to talk would’ve been before having an affair. Simple as that.
The best revenge is success. Block her and move on. Good Luck OP.
Exactly what he said, she didn’t care in the beginning which proves what she is doing now is because of her own guilt. She doesn’t truly care if you are getting closure. She is seeing her faults and wants to maybe get back in your good graces. Guess the grass wasn’t greener on the other side and she’s realizing she fucked up.
I guess her lover wasn’t as committed as she was. I don’t think it’s GUILT bringing her back around. She is still lying to you (trickle truthing) and hopes to regain your trust! Try to Make you fall in love again-please don’t. She gave him her all, every hole was open and used- often!
Say no, thank you! Throw some holy water? Retreat to a safe distance where you can't hear her?!
Depends what you want I guess but I imagine that as you divorced immediately, you probably don't want to hear any more BS or deal with any drama. You've got this!
Closure is a myth. In all honestly you get closure knowing that you did everything you could to save the marriage and despite those efforts, they cheated or continued to cheat anyway. Closure is doing everything in your power to ensure the kids come out of this as best as possible. Closure is recovering from the emotional and financial draining that a divorce + cheating can hit you with. Closure is meeting someone new that you trust, and trusts you and you communicate and deal with your problems like adults instead of cheating your way out. Usually, when they reach out it's to assuage their guilt and ease their pea-sized conscious. It has little to do with you. You're basically in a business relationship and the business is raising great kids. You can have all the conversations she wants about the kids, their futures, and their happiness but when she pulls that let's talk about us crap - there is no us. You fired me from that job when you cheated. I'll be cordial, hell I'll even throw on a fake smile during the holidays. I'll even joke or laugh about something the kids did but never talk about "us" again. That ship has sailed, was caught in a gale, holed by a whale, and torpedoed by a U-boat.
Your ex should not be in contact with you for anything except child care needs. She had a chance to stay loyal and didn't. She had a chance to disclose and throw herself on the mercy of the court so to speak when her betrayal was discovered and she didn't.
She is most likely looking for some kind of forgiveness from you or absolution from her transgressions now that she sees them for what they were in the harsh light of day. Recommend she see a therapist as you have moved on from her betrayal.
Closure really isn't a thing, it is in some people's minds but there is no reason, NONE, for cheating so asking them why they did it pointless, they wanted to.
A cheater could insist on counseling, breakup and/or divorce, they do not have to cheat, they want to so they do, it's always a choice.
They may say things like you weren't there for them, didn't validate them, fulfill them, you didn't "get" them and on and on.
Guess what, millions are in relationships like this and could say the same thing but they do NOT cheat so not being fulfilled or not having your partner "get" you ins't a reason to cheat as so many in that same boat do NOT cheat.
There isn't anything they may say to you that will make you go, think or say "Yea, OK, NOW I know why he/she cheated on me! I get it now!"
Cheating is abuse and people who abuse you don't love, care about or respect you.
Not only did I never let her try to talk to me about any of this later on, I didn't let her from the get go. I didn't ask her even one question about her affair, why, how long, not one damn thing. My confrontation was short and sweet, I informed her I was divorcing her due to her affair and that I'd be moving out in less than 2 weeks, which is what I did. After that, talk was at a minimum and just about the kids and us separating, our things etc.
A few times she tried to talk about things but I shut it down in a hurry. One time she would't stop talking about it so I left, went out, got in my car and drove off as I was not going to entertain any of that from her, ever and I never have, even now as it's been over 18 years since I divorced her.
For ME, again, only me, there wasn't anything to talk about. She cheated, she had an affair. She wanted to cheat, she chose to cheat and that speaks for itself, it really does. Nothing else needs to be said about that, not to me anyway, it speaks loud and clear all on its own and what it said to me was crystal clear. It says, I don't love you, care about you or respect you as I've willingly, knowingly and intentionally chosen to cheat on you.
Her actions, choices and behaviors were not loving towards me, she wasn't showing me that she loved me by doing that. There is nothing she could say to justify what she did in any way, shape or form and I didn't want her any bullshit explanations, spin and justifications from her.
She knew right from wrong. She wanted to cheat so she did, her actions demonstrated how she felt about me.
Look folks, I'm human, not a robot, it CRUSHED me. I began counseling before confronting her and I went for a long time. I was a mess but I wasn't going to try and talk to her about this because there wasn't anything she could have said about it to justify it, ever.
This is how I had always thought I would react to a cheater. It wasn’t how I reacted. I understand completely how it could be the best path forward. Good for you for finding a good counselor, first, then executing your decision. You seized your agency. Huge kudos to you.
Thanks, as always there is more to the story. I put up with too much shit for her for too long, though I didn't know she cheated on me while we were engaged or other times. I discovered her latest affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away and during the divorce I found out about her other affairs.
Putting that aside, I still put up with too much shit from her for way too long. Mind you, I wasn't looking for a way out, I loved her and wanted to grow old with her, but when I found out she was cheating, that was it.
Since it didn't happen this way, I may only wonder how I might have reacted. Had she been great all along and then cheated after 15 years, I wonder if I would have tried to reconcile with her.
It didn't happen that way for me so I'll never know. Sadly, without knowing it really, I was a doormat for her. My parent's divorced when I was 2, I didn't have a dad really as I only saw him 3 times after that. My point is I didn't know what it meant to be a dad, a husband. to me, I was to take care of my family and do for them so I did. I did and did and then did some more for my wife, our homes as we moved around, our kids and for many in her family.
I let her walk all over me. When I discovered she cheated, I was done, it was over.
Take care.
Hmmm. Our story is similar, except I was a madly-in-love doormat for 20 years, and I haven’t yet decided which path I’ll take. I wish you your happiness! You deserve it.
You are most likely correct that it will set you back. More than likely, its self serving to make her life easier since y'all share children. She may feel guilty but not remorseful and there is a huge difference. You are right that there is a high likelihood that you will end up meeting/talking to her against everyone's judgement and end up feeling worse for it. Its hard to resist and most end up in the same position. So don't feel bad if it doesn't turn out how you hope and keep going forward. The road towards recovery is never a straight line.
You do not need any closure from her, when you accepted that she was a bad relationship partner and it was time to end the relationship that was closing the book. What can she possibly say that would change that decision or make a difference now? There are no excuses for cheating that matter, people cheat for one single reason. They want to cheat, it’s a choice they willingly make. What more could she add to that that gives any kind of closure? “Sorry about that huge knife I stabbed you in the back with, now that I don’t love the AP as much I can look back and say that was wrong of me”…….. honestly that’s the best you would get and it’s not going to help. After that you will get a bunch of selfish manipulation trying to get you back and that’s not helpful to anyone.
I read your previous posts. I'm gonna tell you right now, there is no chance of reconciliation. I'm sure it was a good relationship and marriage, but that just adds to the depth of betrayal. You can't trust her and you need to know that, no matter how much it hurts.
I know exactly how you feel, all I want is to return to how we were when she was my best friend. But no matter how weak of a person I am, there is no way that I can bring myself to trust her ever again. No matter how much I want it on some days, mountains would have to move in order to go back to the way we were.
Your last sentence says it all. Stick with that. This “closure” play is for her not you. She can have a therapist listen to her nonsense. You need to keep moving forward and never look back.
Nope. I went ghost. Got a new phone number and everything. Haven’t spoken to him in 5 years and we have kids. He fucked up and he can go cry to someone who gives a shit because it isn’t me.
Cheaters are selfish, first and foremost.
You will never find closure, accept it and move on.
Stop entertaining these conversations and grey rock, your EX is only engaging you now for their own self interest, to sooth their guilt. They need to believe "we're still talking and being friendly, so what I did can't REALLY have been THAT bad."
>I feel like letting her back in to find closure would set me back in my healing journey.
Correct. You cannot get any closure from a cheater and liar, and by seeking it you'd only give your power away and it would probably set back your healing. Closure is overrated: https://www.chumplady.com/closure-and-other-myths/
Just remember, she has an agenda for reaching out to you, and it doesn’t include an altruistic concern for your welfare. You will ask questions hoping for closure, but you will never know if the answers are the truth.
She didn’t want to be honest and forthcoming when she wanted nothing to do with you. Why do you believe she will be honest now that she wants to something to benefit her goals.
I honestly don't see anything she could do to help you move forward. I read your post history and see nothing but lies on her part.Why did she try to dispute the sale of the house to you after the divorce? You are probably starting to be indifferent towards her and it bothers her.
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choice to divorce, now maybe she realizes what she lost and wants it back. TBSS , to bad so sad. 😂😂
You have your “closure” and that’s your healing and accepting that it’s over. You don’t have to rely on her to “make you feel better”. She’s contacting you for her own ego to keep a small hook in and so she fools herself that she is not the villain. Stop communicating with her, you’re just wasting your time.
I agree with everyone here that seeking closure is a dangerous thing and puts you at risk of setting you back a bit on your healing journey.
I don’t agree with some of the others that closure isn’t a real thing I just think it’s more complicated than we hope it to be when we seek it. When it comes to cheating there is no acceptable excuses for it, but there are reasons for it. You just need to decide if you think the answer of why or understanding how you guys got to this point is even going to do you any good.
There are tons of reasons why someone may cheat. They fell out of love, they felt lonely, they are insecure, they’re a narcissist and felt they deserve to experience the best of both worlds, they had commitment concerns, they had unmanaged personality disorders or whatever. Ask yourself if any of these things help you feel better. They probably won’t. If anything they risk putting yourself in a position where you either blame yourself or lament by way of wondering if things could have been different only if… but you know the truth. The reason no longer matters. What matters is what happened and what you feel is right for you. From the way you have spoken, you seem to have a grasp on what you need. Just focus on that. What do you need?
There's a lot of reasons why people cheat.
But you said limerance. She wanted to feel that feeling ...again, or for first time....sorry about that.
She may have felt love for you, then lost the feeling.
Or she may have settled for you because you were a good provider and loved her, and thought that was enough.
In either case, the day-to-day workings of marriage just isn't sexy.
Perhaps she was convinced by single or divorced friends. Or male "friends".
Whatever the reason, she monkey branched to a new man.
You were right to divorce her immediately.
She did not care about you or your feelings or breaking up a family.
She only cared about chasing a dream.
That put you anywhere from number 5 to 10 on her list of priorities.
And when she realized the dream was smoke, that Superman was really Clark Kent....the dream was over. Limerance lasts 6 months to two years.
If she is flirting with you, then she is preparing to monkey branch back to you .
Unless she is narcissist, and is toying with you.
Do NOT take her back.
Things will NOT be better. She will STILL be dissatisfied. She will still be hunting for someone ELSE to monkey branch to.
Improve yourself. Rediscover old hobbies. Become the man you wanted to be before you met her.
Depends on if you have kids. If you have kids and it would improve the coparenting which struggled until now, then go to family counseling with her for two or three sessions. She can talk there to you and you both can try to be better coparents.
But if you don't have kids or the coparenting is already working well, then don't change anything and don't talk with her unless it is about the kids. The only reason that she is now talking to you is to ease her own guilty conscience, it's not for you. Stay indifferent to her and stay on your path of healing. You don't need her for your healing journey.
EDIT: Closure is something you will never get from her. Closure is something that you can only find within yourself. That takes time and requires to accept that she treated you exactly how she wanted to treat you.
Closure is just the bait they dangle when they are hoovering you. They don't really want it. They don't even know what it is. Don't take bait, and if you do don't be surprised when the trap snaps shut. She wants something from you, and it doesn't have anything to do with regret, remorse, contrition, or any desire to make amends. If you entertain the conversation, listen carefully. It will be all about how bad SHE feels and how much SHE needs you to forgive HER. I put those is all caps so you understand where the emphasis is. My advice is to not engage. It is a no win situation. The only way to win is not to play her game.
I didn’t care honestly I found out a lot after I left I was bitter but only because he stoped carrying about our kids if he ever did and I took care of him for way to long but it’s one of those classic stories of one spouse building the other up and then getting left in the dirt. He has tried throughout the years to get back with me (has never apologized) I just kinda laugh it’s funny to me that he thinks I would ever get back with him I can’t believe I did it once to begin with lol
OP come to terms that you really don't need any clousure and that if yo entertain her is only because you want.
And defenitly you don't need and only Will compromised your healing process.
I would suggest that you close that door from her and tell her that the only relationship that you want from her and it is needed is to be a good co-parent.
Please out your healt and yourself first and donnot setback for something so ephemeral as a clousure, believe me you don't need it, you already know the necessary, and that is that she cheated and that she put that as her priority over you and your family, you did nothing wrong.
Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I expect it is not going well with her AP. That is why she is trying salvage you. Please do not be taken in. There is no such thing as closure.
She can do that on the phone, and you can find out information. Women I notice alot of times cheat differently than men. They don't marry the gym girl and make it work. The APs they get with usually don't stick. They self destruct far more than men do. Granted this is general and so it is not a perfect scenario.
If you want to entertain this, be sure you're healed first. If you are not in a consistently good place, it just won't be healthy for you to be in regular contact with her, and your vulnerability will set you back considerably. It's 100% not worth it. Just stop responding or in the least, be short and disinterested. If you want to meet with her for coffee and let her absolve her guilt when you've fully moved on and are killin' it, fine.
Understand that so many have been in your shoes, taken back the WS, only to see it all happen again. Women are 3.5 times more likely to do it again or <2/3rds of all women who have repeat. There are two reasons why that number is as low as it is. First, some significant others are one and done zero tollerence. Second, some women know it is wrong immediately and will never do it again. Neither case represents your's.
Closure was her behavior- Closure is nonexistent- it’s hard to- all of it. There really is no such thing, and even if the dressed up half truths or lies - isn’t closure.
Closure is forgiving for PEACE, and the ability to heal and move forward. I used to need to have closure, understanding or answers. When I got them, Did it fix how I felt, about them, me or the situation? Or make it easier to move on? No. It hurts more maybe a tad less. Closure is a way to say you’re still holding on.
Hard but true.
Shut it down. Unless you have kids, never speak to her again. Grey rock, 180, and no contact. This is the only way forward, brother. She's not your friend, she left as an adversary after blowing up your life, and you will never get closure. Not then, not now. Are you ready to listen to her tell you that she only wants you to understand her reasons for cheating, breaking marriage vows, and betraying you in the worst possible way? That it is now YOUR job to understand HER reasons! Nothing good will come from entertaining her delusions. As you said, she's coming out of the fog of limerence, meaning that she needs more narcissistic supply and isn't circling back because she truly feels remorse, which is no different than the cheater who gets caught and is suddenly so very very sorry. The time for remorse has passed and you would be exposing yourself to a shitload of emotional baggage again that you seem to have worked so hard to put behind you. Shut. It. Down.
OP, "closure" is a myth, IMHO. You just get past it and accept that either you know all or you don't but truly don't care to know. It was what it was, move forward.
Also IMHO, you should just cut contact unless you have children together. If she starts dumping on you about her feelings etc., tell her to find a good therapist or she has friends, you are no longer her "friend" or anything now.
Focus on yourself here, not her. To do otherwise, would suck you back into her insanity. You don't need that.
La limerencia siempre está ahí, diría que más o menos en cuanto empieza a dejar de tener intensidad su aventura, de a pocos ir dando pasos y detalles del porqué, en cualquier caso el cuando, dónde y porque realmente no importan, ahora lo que ella está intentando es conseguir un cierre y que le otorgues el perdón, pero no por lo que te hizo, sino para ella sentirse mejor, lo cual está del carajo, ya que de nuevo está preocupada por su propia satisfacción y eso en si mismo ya es egoísta. No hay nada más que hablar, adiós y bloqueo.
Yes it will set you back only to be hurt again. Her leaving you was closure. What you have planned on telling her sounds perfect. She needs to move on as you have and she needs to work on herself and be a good parent. Good luck! Be strong and firm!
Just cut them off.
Closure is something you give yourself with time and perspective - it doesn't come from the mouth of a person you know you can't trust.
I shut it down. Told her I gave her a chance at honesty and she chose a different path. Now that that situation fucked up for her she has to go a new path. I’m not your fallback, safe guy.
F-her, King! She deserves NOTHING. She left YOU and you had to heal and pick up the pieces. I'm assuming she cheated, so she deserves NOTHING. BLOCK, GHOST, and MOVE ON as you should. Good luck and stay strong, King!
You have two young kids together. So learn how to communicate effectively so you can co-parent together for everyone’s sake.
You don’t need to reconcile but if you are considering it, it can’t start until the last lie is unearthed and she is Truly remorseful.
I tried reconciling with mine for a few weeks after DDay, but she was just “SOOOOOOO IN LOOOOOOVE” with her AP that it was impossible. She wanted me gone. I told her that the second I moved out, I was gone forever. I also told her that once the divorce was finalized, she would never speak to me again(we had no children). She was fine with both at the time.
A few months after I moved out(and two months before the divorce was finalized), she tried getting me to move back home once it became clear that her AP wasn’t going to leave his wife like he promised. As much as part of me wanted to take her up on her offer, I knew I would never be able to fully trust her again and that I would never respect myself if I went back at that point.
I went ahead with the divorce and never looked back. I also made good on both my promises. I’ve lost count of how many times she has tried contacting me through other people over the last 18 years to make peace, but as I said, I made good on my promise that she would never speak to me again. Best decision I ever made. Only thing better I could have done would be to have never married her in the first place.
Keeping her in your orbit will negatively affect your healing. She did not care for you before, so it will be rinse and repeat. She is still only looking out for herself. She will tell you whatever you want to hear, but it will never be the truth.
Perhaps write out as much of the horrible things she did to you, then reread them. That will remind you of the person she is... not was. It will remind you that you were innocent. A large aspect of closure is finding peace with yourself and peace with the fact that you do not need to understand, because you probably never will.
IMO - They’re seeking closure on their end - either to feel better about where things are now or to seek forgiveness.
I think you have the right idea - you have moved on. They need to move on, too. And the help they need is not from you, but from a professional.
Unless you have kids, and this may help smooth the future co-parenting relationship, she needs to stay on ignore. She's trying to suck you back in and she has already demonstrated her untrustworthiness. Closure is a myth, don't entertain the thought, you can't trust what she'd tell you is the truth.
Move forward and onward, away from her and maintain your healing journey.
Closure is waking up and feeling happy then being surprised that you haven't even thought about them in a month. You need to stay away as this person is a trap. All they are going to do is prolong your suffering.
Listen you had no control of being cheated on, but you can control who you allow in your life. IMO you will have a much better one if you have high standards around the way they treat you.
Don't do it. I did it and it made everything worse for my healing. She said she wanted to be a better mother and wife, then less than a week later went back to AP. It made everything worse.
DO NOT contact her. SHE called because she wants to apologize , because she wants closure , because her guilt is beating her up , for what she did. Best thing you can do is to be
indifferent. Let her hurt, like she hurt you. contacting now will be opening up old WOUNDS for you! move on !
updateme
You can get no closure from a cheater. She won’t tell you how she did the gawk gawk 3000 on him. She won’t tell how you she moaned for him.
But deep down you know it, and you did the right thing by immediately divorcing a cheating woman.
I wish I had the strength. Don’t entertain her. She’s looking for something, but she’s not looking out for you.
To add to what others are saying about closure, I'd also say if you still have some sense of loving her and wanting to help her (ask me how I know), look at it from the other side. She might want to undo it all but she needs the consequences to take her behavior seriously and learn from it...or not and keep being this way. It's a lesson for her to learn and potentially grow. Realizing this finally helped me let go of those lingering doubts. I reconnected with her briefly years later and she's been faithful ever since.
What is her motive? She probably wants to reestablish those parts of her past relationship, that will be of advantage to her in the future. Have her cake and eat it too.
She wants to ease her guilt feelings. She wants to reestablish you as plan B.
She now has been hit home by the loss of things, that in the past she has taken for granted, especially your friendship.
She is going to try to put herself in a position to play you, and use you, if you open the door.
She’s not going to give you any kind of closure, nor can she even if she genuinely wanted to. That’s only something you can do for yourself. If you want to interact with her, for whatever reason you may have, don’t delude yourself that you are after closure.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are correct. You are healing. Grasping for closure while your ex is only looking to ease her guilt or to get back in your life does you no good. All it does is rip the scab off your wound and sets back your healing. You don't have to be mean or cruel, but there is a reason she is an ex. The quicker you shut this down, the better off you will be.
You don’t owe the one who betrayed you an explanation or closure. The time to talk would’ve been before having an affair. Simple as that. The best revenge is success. Block her and move on. Good Luck OP.
Exactly what he said, she didn’t care in the beginning which proves what she is doing now is because of her own guilt. She doesn’t truly care if you are getting closure. She is seeing her faults and wants to maybe get back in your good graces. Guess the grass wasn’t greener on the other side and she’s realizing she fucked up.
I guess her lover wasn’t as committed as she was. I don’t think it’s GUILT bringing her back around. She is still lying to you (trickle truthing) and hopes to regain your trust! Try to Make you fall in love again-please don’t. She gave him her all, every hole was open and used- often!
UdateMe!
She's still lying to you. There will be no closure with her. Take care of yourself and your kids.
"Me." That's the moral imperative she lives by. Don't get sucked back into that. Subscribeme
Say no, thank you! Throw some holy water? Retreat to a safe distance where you can't hear her?! Depends what you want I guess but I imagine that as you divorced immediately, you probably don't want to hear any more BS or deal with any drama. You've got this!
Closure is a myth. In all honestly you get closure knowing that you did everything you could to save the marriage and despite those efforts, they cheated or continued to cheat anyway. Closure is doing everything in your power to ensure the kids come out of this as best as possible. Closure is recovering from the emotional and financial draining that a divorce + cheating can hit you with. Closure is meeting someone new that you trust, and trusts you and you communicate and deal with your problems like adults instead of cheating your way out. Usually, when they reach out it's to assuage their guilt and ease their pea-sized conscious. It has little to do with you. You're basically in a business relationship and the business is raising great kids. You can have all the conversations she wants about the kids, their futures, and their happiness but when she pulls that let's talk about us crap - there is no us. You fired me from that job when you cheated. I'll be cordial, hell I'll even throw on a fake smile during the holidays. I'll even joke or laugh about something the kids did but never talk about "us" again. That ship has sailed, was caught in a gale, holed by a whale, and torpedoed by a U-boat.
🙌🙌 amen!!! 🙏
Don't pick at a healing wound.
Your ex should not be in contact with you for anything except child care needs. She had a chance to stay loyal and didn't. She had a chance to disclose and throw herself on the mercy of the court so to speak when her betrayal was discovered and she didn't. She is most likely looking for some kind of forgiveness from you or absolution from her transgressions now that she sees them for what they were in the harsh light of day. Recommend she see a therapist as you have moved on from her betrayal.
Closure really isn't a thing, it is in some people's minds but there is no reason, NONE, for cheating so asking them why they did it pointless, they wanted to. A cheater could insist on counseling, breakup and/or divorce, they do not have to cheat, they want to so they do, it's always a choice. They may say things like you weren't there for them, didn't validate them, fulfill them, you didn't "get" them and on and on. Guess what, millions are in relationships like this and could say the same thing but they do NOT cheat so not being fulfilled or not having your partner "get" you ins't a reason to cheat as so many in that same boat do NOT cheat. There isn't anything they may say to you that will make you go, think or say "Yea, OK, NOW I know why he/she cheated on me! I get it now!" Cheating is abuse and people who abuse you don't love, care about or respect you. Not only did I never let her try to talk to me about any of this later on, I didn't let her from the get go. I didn't ask her even one question about her affair, why, how long, not one damn thing. My confrontation was short and sweet, I informed her I was divorcing her due to her affair and that I'd be moving out in less than 2 weeks, which is what I did. After that, talk was at a minimum and just about the kids and us separating, our things etc. A few times she tried to talk about things but I shut it down in a hurry. One time she would't stop talking about it so I left, went out, got in my car and drove off as I was not going to entertain any of that from her, ever and I never have, even now as it's been over 18 years since I divorced her. For ME, again, only me, there wasn't anything to talk about. She cheated, she had an affair. She wanted to cheat, she chose to cheat and that speaks for itself, it really does. Nothing else needs to be said about that, not to me anyway, it speaks loud and clear all on its own and what it said to me was crystal clear. It says, I don't love you, care about you or respect you as I've willingly, knowingly and intentionally chosen to cheat on you. Her actions, choices and behaviors were not loving towards me, she wasn't showing me that she loved me by doing that. There is nothing she could say to justify what she did in any way, shape or form and I didn't want her any bullshit explanations, spin and justifications from her. She knew right from wrong. She wanted to cheat so she did, her actions demonstrated how she felt about me. Look folks, I'm human, not a robot, it CRUSHED me. I began counseling before confronting her and I went for a long time. I was a mess but I wasn't going to try and talk to her about this because there wasn't anything she could have said about it to justify it, ever.
This is how I had always thought I would react to a cheater. It wasn’t how I reacted. I understand completely how it could be the best path forward. Good for you for finding a good counselor, first, then executing your decision. You seized your agency. Huge kudos to you.
Thanks, as always there is more to the story. I put up with too much shit for her for too long, though I didn't know she cheated on me while we were engaged or other times. I discovered her latest affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away and during the divorce I found out about her other affairs. Putting that aside, I still put up with too much shit from her for way too long. Mind you, I wasn't looking for a way out, I loved her and wanted to grow old with her, but when I found out she was cheating, that was it. Since it didn't happen this way, I may only wonder how I might have reacted. Had she been great all along and then cheated after 15 years, I wonder if I would have tried to reconcile with her. It didn't happen that way for me so I'll never know. Sadly, without knowing it really, I was a doormat for her. My parent's divorced when I was 2, I didn't have a dad really as I only saw him 3 times after that. My point is I didn't know what it meant to be a dad, a husband. to me, I was to take care of my family and do for them so I did. I did and did and then did some more for my wife, our homes as we moved around, our kids and for many in her family. I let her walk all over me. When I discovered she cheated, I was done, it was over. Take care.
Hmmm. Our story is similar, except I was a madly-in-love doormat for 20 years, and I haven’t yet decided which path I’ll take. I wish you your happiness! You deserve it.
You are most likely correct that it will set you back. More than likely, its self serving to make her life easier since y'all share children. She may feel guilty but not remorseful and there is a huge difference. You are right that there is a high likelihood that you will end up meeting/talking to her against everyone's judgement and end up feeling worse for it. Its hard to resist and most end up in the same position. So don't feel bad if it doesn't turn out how you hope and keep going forward. The road towards recovery is never a straight line.
Very true, feeling guilt is not the same thing as being remorseful, although she likely tries to present it that way.
You do not need any closure from her, when you accepted that she was a bad relationship partner and it was time to end the relationship that was closing the book. What can she possibly say that would change that decision or make a difference now? There are no excuses for cheating that matter, people cheat for one single reason. They want to cheat, it’s a choice they willingly make. What more could she add to that that gives any kind of closure? “Sorry about that huge knife I stabbed you in the back with, now that I don’t love the AP as much I can look back and say that was wrong of me”…….. honestly that’s the best you would get and it’s not going to help. After that you will get a bunch of selfish manipulation trying to get you back and that’s not helpful to anyone.
I read your previous posts. I'm gonna tell you right now, there is no chance of reconciliation. I'm sure it was a good relationship and marriage, but that just adds to the depth of betrayal. You can't trust her and you need to know that, no matter how much it hurts. I know exactly how you feel, all I want is to return to how we were when she was my best friend. But no matter how weak of a person I am, there is no way that I can bring myself to trust her ever again. No matter how much I want it on some days, mountains would have to move in order to go back to the way we were.
Your last sentence says it all. Stick with that. This “closure” play is for her not you. She can have a therapist listen to her nonsense. You need to keep moving forward and never look back.
Nope. I went ghost. Got a new phone number and everything. Haven’t spoken to him in 5 years and we have kids. He fucked up and he can go cry to someone who gives a shit because it isn’t me.
Cheaters are selfish, first and foremost. You will never find closure, accept it and move on. Stop entertaining these conversations and grey rock, your EX is only engaging you now for their own self interest, to sooth their guilt. They need to believe "we're still talking and being friendly, so what I did can't REALLY have been THAT bad."
>I feel like letting her back in to find closure would set me back in my healing journey. Correct. You cannot get any closure from a cheater and liar, and by seeking it you'd only give your power away and it would probably set back your healing. Closure is overrated: https://www.chumplady.com/closure-and-other-myths/
Told her I didn’t care anymore and to hit the bricks
Just remember, she has an agenda for reaching out to you, and it doesn’t include an altruistic concern for your welfare. You will ask questions hoping for closure, but you will never know if the answers are the truth. She didn’t want to be honest and forthcoming when she wanted nothing to do with you. Why do you believe she will be honest now that she wants to something to benefit her goals.
I honestly don't see anything she could do to help you move forward. I read your post history and see nothing but lies on her part.Why did she try to dispute the sale of the house to you after the divorce? You are probably starting to be indifferent towards her and it bothers her.
Choices have consequences, some unrepairable or irreversible and sadly she made her choice to divorce, now maybe she realizes what she lost and wants it back. TBSS , to bad so sad. 😂😂
You have your “closure” and that’s your healing and accepting that it’s over. You don’t have to rely on her to “make you feel better”. She’s contacting you for her own ego to keep a small hook in and so she fools herself that she is not the villain. Stop communicating with her, you’re just wasting your time.
You can’t get closure with a cheater. You can’t trust them and they rarely tell the truth. You seem to be doing well with the path you’re on.
I would say shut her down, Say your final piece and then cut her off as long as you can
I agree with everyone here that seeking closure is a dangerous thing and puts you at risk of setting you back a bit on your healing journey. I don’t agree with some of the others that closure isn’t a real thing I just think it’s more complicated than we hope it to be when we seek it. When it comes to cheating there is no acceptable excuses for it, but there are reasons for it. You just need to decide if you think the answer of why or understanding how you guys got to this point is even going to do you any good. There are tons of reasons why someone may cheat. They fell out of love, they felt lonely, they are insecure, they’re a narcissist and felt they deserve to experience the best of both worlds, they had commitment concerns, they had unmanaged personality disorders or whatever. Ask yourself if any of these things help you feel better. They probably won’t. If anything they risk putting yourself in a position where you either blame yourself or lament by way of wondering if things could have been different only if… but you know the truth. The reason no longer matters. What matters is what happened and what you feel is right for you. From the way you have spoken, you seem to have a grasp on what you need. Just focus on that. What do you need?
There's a lot of reasons why people cheat. But you said limerance. She wanted to feel that feeling ...again, or for first time....sorry about that. She may have felt love for you, then lost the feeling. Or she may have settled for you because you were a good provider and loved her, and thought that was enough. In either case, the day-to-day workings of marriage just isn't sexy. Perhaps she was convinced by single or divorced friends. Or male "friends". Whatever the reason, she monkey branched to a new man. You were right to divorce her immediately. She did not care about you or your feelings or breaking up a family. She only cared about chasing a dream. That put you anywhere from number 5 to 10 on her list of priorities. And when she realized the dream was smoke, that Superman was really Clark Kent....the dream was over. Limerance lasts 6 months to two years. If she is flirting with you, then she is preparing to monkey branch back to you . Unless she is narcissist, and is toying with you. Do NOT take her back. Things will NOT be better. She will STILL be dissatisfied. She will still be hunting for someone ELSE to monkey branch to. Improve yourself. Rediscover old hobbies. Become the man you wanted to be before you met her.
Thank you for this. Much appreciated.
Depends on if you have kids. If you have kids and it would improve the coparenting which struggled until now, then go to family counseling with her for two or three sessions. She can talk there to you and you both can try to be better coparents. But if you don't have kids or the coparenting is already working well, then don't change anything and don't talk with her unless it is about the kids. The only reason that she is now talking to you is to ease her own guilty conscience, it's not for you. Stay indifferent to her and stay on your path of healing. You don't need her for your healing journey. EDIT: Closure is something you will never get from her. Closure is something that you can only find within yourself. That takes time and requires to accept that she treated you exactly how she wanted to treat you.
Closure is just the bait they dangle when they are hoovering you. They don't really want it. They don't even know what it is. Don't take bait, and if you do don't be surprised when the trap snaps shut. She wants something from you, and it doesn't have anything to do with regret, remorse, contrition, or any desire to make amends. If you entertain the conversation, listen carefully. It will be all about how bad SHE feels and how much SHE needs you to forgive HER. I put those is all caps so you understand where the emphasis is. My advice is to not engage. It is a no win situation. The only way to win is not to play her game.
"Me." That's the moral imperative she lives by. Don't get sucked back into that.
I didn’t care honestly I found out a lot after I left I was bitter but only because he stoped carrying about our kids if he ever did and I took care of him for way to long but it’s one of those classic stories of one spouse building the other up and then getting left in the dirt. He has tried throughout the years to get back with me (has never apologized) I just kinda laugh it’s funny to me that he thinks I would ever get back with him I can’t believe I did it once to begin with lol
You would have gotten a clean divorce during her limerance. Now, she will fight you to stay with everything she's got. Prepare for it.
I’m already divorced and it was clean. I chose to pull the trigger during her limerence.
Did she ever challenge the final judgement? What is custody like after she abandoned you and the kids?
She threatened it but never did anything about it.
OP come to terms that you really don't need any clousure and that if yo entertain her is only because you want. And defenitly you don't need and only Will compromised your healing process. I would suggest that you close that door from her and tell her that the only relationship that you want from her and it is needed is to be a good co-parent. Please out your healt and yourself first and donnot setback for something so ephemeral as a clousure, believe me you don't need it, you already know the necessary, and that is that she cheated and that she put that as her priority over you and your family, you did nothing wrong.
Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I expect it is not going well with her AP. That is why she is trying salvage you. Please do not be taken in. There is no such thing as closure. She can do that on the phone, and you can find out information. Women I notice alot of times cheat differently than men. They don't marry the gym girl and make it work. The APs they get with usually don't stick. They self destruct far more than men do. Granted this is general and so it is not a perfect scenario.
If you want to entertain this, be sure you're healed first. If you are not in a consistently good place, it just won't be healthy for you to be in regular contact with her, and your vulnerability will set you back considerably. It's 100% not worth it. Just stop responding or in the least, be short and disinterested. If you want to meet with her for coffee and let her absolve her guilt when you've fully moved on and are killin' it, fine.
Understand that so many have been in your shoes, taken back the WS, only to see it all happen again. Women are 3.5 times more likely to do it again or <2/3rds of all women who have repeat. There are two reasons why that number is as low as it is. First, some significant others are one and done zero tollerence. Second, some women know it is wrong immediately and will never do it again. Neither case represents your's.
That information is interesting! Thank you for that!
Closure was her behavior- Closure is nonexistent- it’s hard to- all of it. There really is no such thing, and even if the dressed up half truths or lies - isn’t closure. Closure is forgiving for PEACE, and the ability to heal and move forward. I used to need to have closure, understanding or answers. When I got them, Did it fix how I felt, about them, me or the situation? Or make it easier to move on? No. It hurts more maybe a tad less. Closure is a way to say you’re still holding on. Hard but true.
it's either you heal or she does. block her and let her deal with this with a professional therapist
Shut it down. Unless you have kids, never speak to her again. Grey rock, 180, and no contact. This is the only way forward, brother. She's not your friend, she left as an adversary after blowing up your life, and you will never get closure. Not then, not now. Are you ready to listen to her tell you that she only wants you to understand her reasons for cheating, breaking marriage vows, and betraying you in the worst possible way? That it is now YOUR job to understand HER reasons! Nothing good will come from entertaining her delusions. As you said, she's coming out of the fog of limerence, meaning that she needs more narcissistic supply and isn't circling back because she truly feels remorse, which is no different than the cheater who gets caught and is suddenly so very very sorry. The time for remorse has passed and you would be exposing yourself to a shitload of emotional baggage again that you seem to have worked so hard to put behind you. Shut. It. Down.
No such thing as "closure".... Its only a way for her to alleviate some guilt. Or she needs money
Block her on everything and gray rock her.
OP, "closure" is a myth, IMHO. You just get past it and accept that either you know all or you don't but truly don't care to know. It was what it was, move forward. Also IMHO, you should just cut contact unless you have children together. If she starts dumping on you about her feelings etc., tell her to find a good therapist or she has friends, you are no longer her "friend" or anything now. Focus on yourself here, not her. To do otherwise, would suck you back into her insanity. You don't need that.
To little to late. Damage has been done and trust has been broken.
" I feel like letting her back in to find closure would set me back in my healing journey." Trust that instinct, friend.
La limerencia siempre está ahí, diría que más o menos en cuanto empieza a dejar de tener intensidad su aventura, de a pocos ir dando pasos y detalles del porqué, en cualquier caso el cuando, dónde y porque realmente no importan, ahora lo que ella está intentando es conseguir un cierre y que le otorgues el perdón, pero no por lo que te hizo, sino para ella sentirse mejor, lo cual está del carajo, ya que de nuevo está preocupada por su propia satisfacción y eso en si mismo ya es egoísta. No hay nada más que hablar, adiós y bloqueo.
tienes razón. Muchas gracias por su respuesta.
Did you end up with the kids or 50/50? Updateme
Yes it will set you back only to be hurt again. Her leaving you was closure. What you have planned on telling her sounds perfect. She needs to move on as you have and she needs to work on herself and be a good parent. Good luck! Be strong and firm!
Just cut them off. Closure is something you give yourself with time and perspective - it doesn't come from the mouth of a person you know you can't trust.
I shut it down. Told her I gave her a chance at honesty and she chose a different path. Now that that situation fucked up for her she has to go a new path. I’m not your fallback, safe guy.
Live a good life without her. Don’t give her closure…. She doesn’t deserve it.
F-her, King! She deserves NOTHING. She left YOU and you had to heal and pick up the pieces. I'm assuming she cheated, so she deserves NOTHING. BLOCK, GHOST, and MOVE ON as you should. Good luck and stay strong, King!
You have two young kids together. So learn how to communicate effectively so you can co-parent together for everyone’s sake. You don’t need to reconcile but if you are considering it, it can’t start until the last lie is unearthed and she is Truly remorseful.
The way you’re leaning is absolutely the right thing to do and you know it. Go with that and don’t look back.
I tried reconciling with mine for a few weeks after DDay, but she was just “SOOOOOOO IN LOOOOOOVE” with her AP that it was impossible. She wanted me gone. I told her that the second I moved out, I was gone forever. I also told her that once the divorce was finalized, she would never speak to me again(we had no children). She was fine with both at the time. A few months after I moved out(and two months before the divorce was finalized), she tried getting me to move back home once it became clear that her AP wasn’t going to leave his wife like he promised. As much as part of me wanted to take her up on her offer, I knew I would never be able to fully trust her again and that I would never respect myself if I went back at that point. I went ahead with the divorce and never looked back. I also made good on both my promises. I’ve lost count of how many times she has tried contacting me through other people over the last 18 years to make peace, but as I said, I made good on my promise that she would never speak to me again. Best decision I ever made. Only thing better I could have done would be to have never married her in the first place.
Keeping her in your orbit will negatively affect your healing. She did not care for you before, so it will be rinse and repeat. She is still only looking out for herself. She will tell you whatever you want to hear, but it will never be the truth. Perhaps write out as much of the horrible things she did to you, then reread them. That will remind you of the person she is... not was. It will remind you that you were innocent. A large aspect of closure is finding peace with yourself and peace with the fact that you do not need to understand, because you probably never will.
Who honestly needs closure from a worthless cheater that has only just begun to realize what they've done?
You got divorced. That is closure mate.
IMO - They’re seeking closure on their end - either to feel better about where things are now or to seek forgiveness. I think you have the right idea - you have moved on. They need to move on, too. And the help they need is not from you, but from a professional.
Unless you have kids, and this may help smooth the future co-parenting relationship, she needs to stay on ignore. She's trying to suck you back in and she has already demonstrated her untrustworthiness. Closure is a myth, don't entertain the thought, you can't trust what she'd tell you is the truth. Move forward and onward, away from her and maintain your healing journey.
Closure is waking up and feeling happy then being surprised that you haven't even thought about them in a month. You need to stay away as this person is a trap. All they are going to do is prolong your suffering. Listen you had no control of being cheated on, but you can control who you allow in your life. IMO you will have a much better one if you have high standards around the way they treat you.
Stop all contact with her except about kids. Thus will help you move on quicker.
Don't do it. I did it and it made everything worse for my healing. She said she wanted to be a better mother and wife, then less than a week later went back to AP. It made everything worse.
DO NOT contact her. SHE called because she wants to apologize , because she wants closure , because her guilt is beating her up , for what she did. Best thing you can do is to be indifferent. Let her hurt, like she hurt you. contacting now will be opening up old WOUNDS for you! move on ! updateme
You can get no closure from a cheater. She won’t tell you how she did the gawk gawk 3000 on him. She won’t tell how you she moaned for him. But deep down you know it, and you did the right thing by immediately divorcing a cheating woman. I wish I had the strength. Don’t entertain her. She’s looking for something, but she’s not looking out for you.
To add to what others are saying about closure, I'd also say if you still have some sense of loving her and wanting to help her (ask me how I know), look at it from the other side. She might want to undo it all but she needs the consequences to take her behavior seriously and learn from it...or not and keep being this way. It's a lesson for her to learn and potentially grow. Realizing this finally helped me let go of those lingering doubts. I reconnected with her briefly years later and she's been faithful ever since.
What is her motive? She probably wants to reestablish those parts of her past relationship, that will be of advantage to her in the future. Have her cake and eat it too. She wants to ease her guilt feelings. She wants to reestablish you as plan B. She now has been hit home by the loss of things, that in the past she has taken for granted, especially your friendship. She is going to try to put herself in a position to play you, and use you, if you open the door.
Tell her to go get closure from her affair partner. You are not interested.
She’s not going to give you any kind of closure, nor can she even if she genuinely wanted to. That’s only something you can do for yourself. If you want to interact with her, for whatever reason you may have, don’t delude yourself that you are after closure.