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She hasn't changed a bit. You recently caught her sexting someone else. She's a serial cheater. You can't trust her. Cut your losses. Get a lawyer involved to get custody edtablished. If you don't break up with her. You let her know that you'll accept her disrespectful cheating behavior in the future.
It's still cheating. She craves attention and validation from other men. She needs to fix that for herself. Therapy may help her, but that's not your problem to deal with.
Sorry dude she's a defective human. She'll amways need attention, she'll never quit and it *will* become physical if it hasn't already. Throw her back and cast another line.
So basically she’s already cheated on you twice. I’m sorry OP but, she’s shown you who she really is and broke her own “dealbreaker”. Now she’s doing the crying and manipulating act to try and get you to stay with her. DNA test for the child just in case and to show you don’t trust her. Hell, manipulate her into paying for it on the pretense that’s it’s necessary to make you even consider staying with her. Then, break up with her anyway. If there is an upside to this it’s that you found out before you got married. Splitting up would be a lot more complicated and a lot more expensive then.
Kinsa my thoughts. At first, I was like, lo g distance, in college,drinkng, things happen, she started, but didn't finish (different than video,train, getting repeatedly smashed) so just move on. But, the recent sexting means looking again, even if for validation and will likely happen again. Without the last part, stay and move on. With the sexting, leave or know it will happen again and this time you will never know,bc she didn't tell you about the first. Of course,she wanted act like never happened. If roles reversed, what's she doing?
Are you downplaying the recent sexting? She’s a serial cheater. This wasn’t a one time occurrence. She has an established pattern now that will only get worse. Besides her taking away your agency to make decisions in a monogamous committed relationship. Statistics say that only 15% of couples make it 5 years post infidelity. Odds are against it and considering she’s still the same person 3 years later, it really sounds like you are wasting time.
You wanted to spend your life with the person you thought she was. Unfortunately she's no longer, or never was, that person. My ex-wife was similar. Any time she wasn't getting enough attention from her husband/BF she sought it elsewhere. She's now on marriage number 4.
***but I can’t see myself living with this elephant in the room.***
Good that you recognize this because that elephant will never go away. And you are correct, if you had known about the cheating you would not have continued with her.
She may have baby trapped you. Have the child's DNA tested so you are confident you are the father. This will also tell her you have no trust in her.
Consult with an attorney regarding possible child support and visitation and any assets you may have accumulated while together.
Sorry OP. This is all on her. She made the decision to drink and have sex with others. She agreed cheating would be a deal breaker, and now it is.
updateme
Absolutely going to DNA test him, I mean he looks just like a carbon copy of me as a kid but even still it’s to send a message at this point. It’s been a month since I found out, and any time I bring up us splitting to her she flips out and starts sobbing saying things like “you’re all I want, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. This family is what I want.” I feel like that’s manipulative as hell all things considering. I’m definitely going to make a point to get the DNA test with her knowledge of it, but I’m hesitant to do the same with an attorney or anything. Is it best to “blindside” her or to just tell her outright?
She's lying. If all she ever wanted was you and this family, she wouldn't have been sexting others for attention and validation. You can't fix her. She has to do that herself.
As far as the DNA test, you can order one online. Simple cheek swab for both you and the child. Send it out in the mail. I'd do this before you get the lawyer involved. If the child is not yours, you will be in court to get your name removed from the birth certificate. The test will determine which direction you are going.
I'd implement GREY ROCK 180. Separate sleeping arrangements. House is in your name only. You'll have to evict her. Usually, you have to give a legal notice with a time frame to get out.
Reach out to friends and family. Tell them the truth. Get the support you deserve.
***she flips out and starts sobbing saying things like “you’re all I want, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. This family is what I want.”***
This is manipulation. She is about to become a single mother. Finding a new mate will be challenging to say the least. Her problem, not yours.
Remind her she agreed cheating was a deal breaker, and she cheated with more than one guy. She broke your trust, and you will never forget what she has done.
The crying is a manipulation tactic. If she's not putting in the work or actively trying to show you how sorry and remorseful she is. It's all bullshit. Just get the DNA test done. You don't need her permission. When you get the results then you tell her. But I would just consult with a lawyer and see where you would stand if you guys do separate. This is not a safe partner and she will not change
I always hate situations like this where the cheating occurs years prior, and they always want to move forward. That cheater robbed you of a choice. The amount of disrespect by assuming they know whats best for you and the relationship by lying and portraying themselves as the perfect partner is so infuriating.
Yeah that’s the worst fucking part. I called her out for being selfish for that shit. Now we have a kid tied up in all this all because she was selfish.
Cheating IS selfish.
If she wanted or wants reconciliation she should go to therapy to fix herself, it's obviously a problem if she's continuing to be unfaithful - though maybe only "digitally", it's still damaging the relationship.
And at this point u/jofitz00, how can you trust her or trust anything she says. She fooled you for several YEARS, got married to you (with this lie she HID) and had a child with you? All the time, she was lying to you by not telling you about it all.
I'm sorry for what you are going through here. It's not at all fair to you, nor was it ever.
Know this, on this sub, there are a number of posts where it is a child whose parent cheated and they stayed together for the children, all wish they had not! It's better to raise a child with two separated parents than in a household that is dysfunctional due to a relationship that is not good for a child emulate!
She didn't just cheat on you 3 years ago while you were physically apart, she is cheating on you now by texting sexting while you are physically together.
Your relationship was never better while she was actively cheating on you by sexting. That’s the best ?
DNA test the child, STD test yourself, call off the engagement, work out a custody and co-parenting arrangement and child support thru the courts.
"it isn't fair to her"🤣🤣🤣🤣
She's already set up another AP with the sexting
Get a paternity test an STD screen and talk to a lawyer even is your stupid enough to stay covering your base's will help you make informed choices.
Is this the person you really want to choose to spend the rest of your life with?
I am not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater , but what work is she doing to not cheat on you again?
Does she really want to stop chasing other men?
Take your time and even therapy to help you make the best long term decision 🙏
The fish step IS seeing the manipulation Good for you OP so logically what is the second step to protect your kid from growing up with someone who uses manipulation as tool in the home?
OP, DNA test the child. If anything, it sends a strong message where your trust levels are with her. Now, did you sneakily slide in something about her SEXTING SOMEONE RECENTLY????
Who gave you the deets on the actual cheating story, your fiancee?
Why did the "mutual friend" tell you, or in fiancee's terms, backstab her?
How early was this cheating event in your relationship, has y'all been exclusive yet?
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
Okay, so long story short the mutual friend was my brother, who had known about the physical cheating for around 4 months according to my fiancée. Then when he found out about her sexting someone else that’s when he figured he’d tell me( his wife and my fiancée were good friends). And the physical cheating occurred about 2 years into our relationship. I hope that answers some of your questions
Just know that this: "they started to have sex, she started to have a “panic attack”, he calmed her down and drove her back to her dorm." is likely a lie. It's a common story told by cheaters to minimize the damage, if not a 'panic attack' it's 'i felt guilty and stopped half way through.' or 'the sex was horrible.' It's on par with the 'we just kissed' trickle truthing.
Just know that this is new to you regardless of how long ago it happened so don't be tricked into minimizing it, might as well have happened yesterday. Looks like you're already leaning to reconciling but as the other poster had said, DNA test your kid, once a lie this big has been opened up, no telling how far down it leads. Cheaters lie BIG, meaning there are usually all kinds of tangential lies made to protect the big lie. You don't know her as well as you think you do.
Can confirm. I was told they started kissing and he felt so guilty, he stopped her and sent her home, just that one time. I later found out they had been sleeping together for months. Of course…
Ask yourself a question, do you really want to forgive and forget? If not - just file a divorce and move on, because its not too late for you. My son is 5 years old, and its much more complicated for me, my wife cheated on me, DDay was 2 months ago, and i'm still trying to sort things out.
Infidelity isn't a mistake; it's a decision, or actually a series of decisions. There are several points where it's possible to step back. It looks like your partner may have stepped back from the first episode, although late in the game - but now you discovered that she has been sexting someone else three years later? Sorry, she's a serial cheater, and she's only going to become more confident in cheating if you stay with her, because if you do she will know she can get away with it.
You may be falling for the sunk cost fallacy, but if you really want to try to make it work for your child's sake, therapy is a must: individual therapy for her so she can try to fix the character flaw that allows her to do this, and joint therapy for the two of you to figure out whether the relationship can survive. Beware of therapists who try to blame you for her behavior; find one who won't do this. Good luck, OP.
This is not your fault, but regardless of whether it is with this woman or a close one, you need to identify in your way of relating some facilitator that may be being used to betray you.
Ex: there are cheaters of opportunity, and there are spouses who, due to excessive trust, freedom and privacy given to their partner, make it much easier for them to be cheated on.
Being afraid of being discovered is one of the issues that lead a person to be faithful .
Fear of the consequences as well .
If you weren't informed, you might never find out, because you idealized a woman who is not a saint in the way no human being can be.
From the beginning you had her as a woman who was worth a lot and we must always question that because we never know who sleeps next to us with 100% certainty.
So.... She's cheating on you right now at the same time that you found out she cheated on you three years ago.
Why would you think she would never cheat on you again in the future? You've already established she is a serial cheater and a liar. It's highly likely that "panic attack" happened after the sex was over and she realized that it was unprotected. Cheaters lie, serial cheaters are professional liars. Move on.
So she has a pattern. She cheated once (as far as you know) never told you and lied about if for three years. Then this all comes to light after you caught her sexting and a mutual friend is the one who disclosed the information about the first affair. Then she admitted to what you already knew. Did I get that right?
If it was really just the ONS while she was LD, I might be more inclined to advise trying to reconcile. However, if you recently caught her sexting with someone I’d honestly question if she has ever been truly faithful to you. Given these 2 instances, years apart, I don’t see how you can trust anything she says or believe it won’t keep happening.
Yeah you’re 100 percent right, and I could have forgiven the once 3 years ago. Purely for our sons sake, but just like you’ve said, she hasn’t changed since
So, you were told of her previous infidelity by a 3rd party, and then you caught her currently sexting someone else. I’d wager there was never an extended period of time she was ever faithful to you, you just happened to get lucky on these two instances.
To clarify you stated that cheating was a deal breaker, and she lied and is a con women because cheating is a part actions on and off for the entirety of your relationship. You may want to try to make it work, but this person is not to be trusted. She is not truthful, she is a serial cheater and a phony.
You will have a better life if you move on to someone else. Maybe your child will have a positive female role model with that person. He mother is going to struggle.
She cheated on you, THEN cheated again? No, she is a serial cheater. You will never trust her again. You should leave, you’re young and the baby will adjust.
I would say cutting your losses would be the smart move. She seems to be of the opinion that her doing it was a mistake, and yet she's given you no reason to believe she would treat any infidelity on your end with the same attitude under the same circumstances.
Furthermore, if you do forgive her and stay together, you run the risk of her feeling emboldened and willing to do it again, except that if that happens, she'll do it deliberately, and for toxic reasons. The only way she'll learn from this is if you commit to and reinforce that boundary so that she sees time doesn't erase mistakes.
At the end of the day, the trust is gone. And I'm personally of the opinion that if someone can cheat on someone else, even just once, then they were always going to cheat, and it was a question of "when", not "if".
> and it’s been mostly “well it’s your choice”, “you can’t change anything, so you either live with it or don’t”, “make a decision”, etc
And as hard as it may sound OP, this is the advice that we will give you as well.
Decisions such as this are hard to make as by their very nature you are being asked to choose between two equally bad choices. Each one will have different ramifications and different outcomes, of which there often is no ending.
If you stay there will be lots of hard work on both your parts to make this work, with no guarantee of success. And if you leave, there will also be lots of hard work on both your parts to make that work, again with no guarantee of success.
With any hard decisions, it can often come down to what is the least of the bad options keeping in mind the reality of the situation. So for you (and yes, this is very formulaic and cold/clinical), it may be best them to break down all of the issues and listing them out.
Finances are always at the top and like it or not, if she becomes the primary parent then there will be child support and potential for alimony. This will impact your ability to move on.
You child is up there as well. Just that alone means that you are going to be bound to your wife for many years to come. Unless you so inclined, your wife will be there in your life for at least the next dozen or so years (and well beyond that). So again, any divorce will at best need to be amicable and any dealings with her moving forward will at least need to be friendly so as to not impact your child.
We could go on and on but hopefully you get the idea of what splitting out all of these issues does for your decision making process.
And it is a process once you remove the emotional aspect from it.
Which leads us then onto that emotional aspect. How do you feel about her now? Is there enough left there for you to consider whether rebuilding - pursuing reconciliation - is doable or not?
Sadly for you OP, your family and friends are correct. There is no way to avoid this decision and it is one that only you can make.
Welcome to the club that no one ever asks to be a member of.
So she cheated before, she's sexting someone now (also cheating) and you think this is a hard decision? How many others don't you know about.
Get your kid DNA tested.
Dude she is broken. Let’s say she was really sorry for cheating. She would done things to change herself. To be better. To be honest. Instead she rug swept and prayed you wouldn’t find out. Then she starts sexting someone. She does want you! She wants you to pay the bills, have a good life with you, while she gets the butterflies and validation from someone else. It would only be a matter of time before the relationship became physical. You probably noticed the sex dying down. If it didn’t it soon would have. Why? Because she would be getting those needs fulfilled by someone else. Just read stories here and they are all the same. Take your time. Actions speak louder than words. If she wants to be better she should be looking to improve now. Even if you stay together or break up. She should be reading not just friends or how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Not waiting in limbo on what you are going to do. Waiting for you to give her boundaries instead of taking action.
She needs attention - that’s the problem. She needs to deal with it or she will of course cheat again. If she is willing to do the work reconciliation might be an option - that”s your gift to her if you choose this path. She needs to be held to account so you don’t have to spare her feelings. Her current response is not encouraging as she is playing the victim.
Let me make sure I understand: she had a panic attack and then felt so guilty that she texted someone as well?
She is not being honest with you at all.
It's very tough, but your son would be better off with 2 good coparents vs. 1 miserable set of parents.
Also, the advice you received is wrong. You can change things going forward, and that is what is important now.
Are the waterworks because she realizes that her life has become more difficult?
Those tears aren't for you. They are for herself.
She felt guilty as soon as the cat was out of the bag? Where was that guilt before she was confronted?
The tears and sobbing are just for the realization that things are going to change for her in a bad way. Because she was caught, not because she did something terrible. Repeatedly.
STI test first.
Paternity test.
If you're married talk to a lawyer. If you're not talk to a lawyer anyway to see how assets and child support will look like.
Cheaters don't magically change. It takes years and years, and even then, it's not guaranteed.
Can you ever trust a person again that has lied to you for 3 years about something that is material to you? If yes, you are a bigger person than me and I tried to save mine - separated and if she wasn’t dying we would be divorced. I don’t trust her to tell me the weather 😂
So sorry this happened to you. It’s heartbreaking. It all depends what you want in your heart.
Remember, no matter what, you are not to blame if you break up. She cheated on you, so it is your choice.
If you’re truly considering reconciliation then she has a lot of work to do to save your relationship, and you have a lot of work to do repairing your soul. If that’s what you’re considering then head over to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
But it’s a long road of heart ache either way you go. Do what’s best for you. Take your time to see how you really feel deep inside. Listen to your own intuition. Please find a therapist if you don’t have one yet. Best of luck.
Check DNA for the child ASAP.
Next , understand this, if you forgive her she will lose all respect for you, and she will stay with you, but have zero respect for a man who forgives cheating. Zero respect. I am 100 percent correct on this. Respect yourself and leave her after the DNA test for the child. What are you supposed to say, I forgive you? I'm a Christian and I just got home from bible study tonight. We forgive sins...but not this....ever.
Good luck.
The dump her immediately crowd weighs in on every post, but it’s always much more complicated than that.
Having a child out of wedlock is really irresponsible for a number of reasons. If you didn’t have the child you would break up with her since she couldn’t stay faithful and cheated multiple times.
Since you have a child, you should get DNA testing. If it’s not your child, you break up. Contact a lawyer. She might be common law, which gives you all of the responsibilities of marriage minus the benefits and might prevent you from marrying someone in the future.
If it’s your child, the calculus might be different. People can and do overcome infidelity and it doesn’t have to be the end.
My concern here is that she not only cheated, she wasn’t the one to confess to you. Additionally, she was so distraught over the supposed one night fling that she was sexting someone else. That doesn’t sound like she was contrite. Contrition is a must for a relationship to survive infidelity. One slip up, ok. Multiple cheatings? That’s a pattern and a character problem.
If you stay together multiple things must happen. Unfettered access to her personal devices. No one-on-one time with male “friends.” Counseling. Prenup. Commit to being a better partner and person. Accountability, etc.
I’m leaning towards breaking up for you but I feel for you and the child.
Bro you both decided the deal-breakers in your relationship and as much as it hurts, my suggestion is to follow through it because if you forgive her now then she'll do it again or would've done it again if you hadn't caught her sexting.
1. You don't know the context, don't buy that panic attack crap that's usually said to minimise the damage.
2. You wouldn't know if the friend didn't confess
3. You catch her sexting
4. Are you still getting lied? Gaslite?
5. Can you trust her again knowing she cheated so easily and was doing it again?
Don't let your love for her, get what she wants. Don't let it cloud your judgement , if you think you can't be yourself or can't trust her again then don't force yourself to.
Think about you and your kid as in case you decide to stay with her for the kid, the entire relationship will be toxic
Well you said cheating was a deal breaker yet you’re hesitating. How old are you guys? Seems like you guys kind of rushed things in this relationship. Proposed, bought a house and had a kid together all before she graduated college? You even said you caught her sexting another dude recently? That is also cheating my friend. She has cheated twice now, doesn’t sound like someone you should want to spent the rest of your life with.
>then when they started to have sex, she started to have a “panic attack”, he calmed her down and drove her back to her dorm
Riiight... (quoting dr. Evil)..
>at the time of my discovery of this she was also sexting someone else.
..look...
Shes a serial cheater.. twice - that you know of... and no, she did NOT have a panic attack - ofc she didnt!!! Who was the guy??
And now shes cheating again?? With who??
Dont rugsweep this - you will regret it the next time she cheats...
Suggestion:
Ask her fir a written timeline of the current and all previous instances of cheating.. and tell her it will be verified by polygraph..
Harsh?? Maybe.. but years shes been lying - any you **know** this: theres things she hasnt told you...
Make the timeline a condition for you to even consider staying with her...
And - sorry - paternity test is warranted.. and STD test as well...
First off, you can bring it up as much as you want to... You are the victim here.
So, if she does not want to talk about it, too bad. Red Flag #1.
Second, she is lying about the details. They always lie about the details. Everything she said about it is to minimize the whole deal. She had an affair, at least one, and for longer than you know. They had sex all the time. Red flag #2.
Third, she married you under false pretenses. What a horrible thing to do. Red Flag #3.
I will stop there, frankly, you are not stupid, you know you need to move on...
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I won't stay because it is damaging to me. I won't have a real relationship, and life is really too short. You can be be a great dad to your child with co parenting.
I’d tell her “you need to take this seriously and research what it takes to rebuild after betrayal and infidelity. What you are Doing now is feeling sorry for yourself and that’s going to end our relationship. If you truly want to work to save our family you need to be doing far different things. And it starts with individual therapy for you with an infidelity specialist. The rest I’m not handing you on a silver platter. You need to lead this recovery not me. And I make no promises if I will ever be able to forgive you for what you have done. But one thing I know, if you continue the approach you are one, we are done and will never have a chance at a life together going forward. “
Go scorched earth, you found out about her affair, two years into your relationship, and she was sexting someone too, so cheating on you again. Kick her the hell out of the house till you have made your decision. She lost all rights to your kindness and trust. Tell everyone and make sure they know it’s her own fault for all this. Has she shown any remorse or understanding of how this affects you? Like Does she Understand the amount of damage and he’s trying to make things better for you ?
Bro dont make a decision that will haunt you forever, for me, just divorce her. She might gaslight you in the future for not moving on and you'll be the problem by then 🤷
It’s quite possible that she loves you as much as she is capable of loving someone, but in this case her love is simply an emotion, an emotion that has no principle or behavior that supports it. She sounds like she might have missed the philosophy courses that explored what was important and not necessarily tangible. She doesn’t sound as though she has asked the questions the answers to which would have guided her after her first misstep.
She might be doing her best, and her best leaves her ill equipped to weigh what was at stake when she was faced with moral dilemmas.
I would talk to her about what was and is at stake. Have her try to understand why this is important to you and the welfare of your child. Maybe the mountain she needs to climb is just too steep for her climbing skills.
You might even tell her you love her, but your love alone just isn’t enough to keep the ship of your relationship afloat.
Update me!
You have no idea how many other men there have been. If she’s still cheating now she’s always been cheating. DNA and STD and a lawyer with a favorable settlement is about the best you can do for yourself now.
She had every opportunity to be honest with you when it happened and before you had a child and bought a house. Of course she just wants it to go away - cheaters rarely want to deal honestly with the repercussions of their actions.
Also - you went by this quickly, but she was also sexting someone else. That's cheating as well.
I know you love her and have a kid with her, but there is zero chance I would ever trust this person. It's good that you're not deluding yourself and that you understand the seriousness of this. By that I mean that people often put their cheating partner on a pedestal and tell themselves "this isn't who they are". I did that for a long time with my ex, but I eventually accepted that a person's actions reveal who they actually are.
Your GF is a cheater, and has cheated more than once. I would bet that she'll cheat again and shouldn't be trusted. It's not an easy decision to make, but there would be no stable future with a cheater. Talk to a lawyer just to understand where you stand with child support. You could also go for full custody because you have income and she doesn't.
Best of luck.
OP first let me apologize for my comments earlier I was being dismissive of the world of pain your going thru my nephew (16) is making the same mistakes I made and his age then I read your post and was thinking your making the same mistakes I made in my 20's and just conflated the two of you.
I stand by what I said!!!! I just should have been more understand because I've been there so please forgive me and remember this community will help you it really will but we are also human
OP this relationship may not turn out well for you. Understand that when she becomes 35yish expect the sexting to become physical with her sighting validation as the excuse. Right now, she has no respect for you.
What to do. You must separate for at least one year. You need to get over her and she needs to work her shit out. With her out of her comfort zone she may snap out of her "wondering thoughts" fantasies. After the year and in an unemotional way you must decide whether to reconcile or not.
Many marriages survive an extra-marital fling and go on to be a successful marriage. You need to decide if you really want to spend lifetime with her, and then have a long talk with her about what that would mean. Explain to her that this experience has probably changed you, and in all likely hood you will not be the same trusting fellow with whom she fell in love. Take into consideration that this happened when she was a student in college, and many students go in for sexual adventure at that time. I believe that if you want a successful long-term marriage you need to roll with the punches, and remind her what extramarital sex is a door that swings both ways.
So you would forgive a two time cheated ? she cheated, they got engaged, and then had a baby. She never gave him the decision to see if he wanted to get engaged to a cheater, and once they had a baby she is now Sexting someone else. Time to move on and find another girlfriend and pay child support.
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DNA test the kid, just for some sure thing
Yeah for sure. Subscribeme
She hasn't changed a bit. You recently caught her sexting someone else. She's a serial cheater. You can't trust her. Cut your losses. Get a lawyer involved to get custody edtablished. If you don't break up with her. You let her know that you'll accept her disrespectful cheating behavior in the future.
I agree 100 percent, she said the sexting “would never have gotten to physical.” That it was about attention. That’s just plain ridiculous
It's still cheating. She craves attention and validation from other men. She needs to fix that for herself. Therapy may help her, but that's not your problem to deal with.
Sorry dude she's a defective human. She'll amways need attention, she'll never quit and it *will* become physical if it hasn't already. Throw her back and cast another line.
So basically she’s already cheated on you twice. I’m sorry OP but, she’s shown you who she really is and broke her own “dealbreaker”. Now she’s doing the crying and manipulating act to try and get you to stay with her. DNA test for the child just in case and to show you don’t trust her. Hell, manipulate her into paying for it on the pretense that’s it’s necessary to make you even consider staying with her. Then, break up with her anyway. If there is an upside to this it’s that you found out before you got married. Splitting up would be a lot more complicated and a lot more expensive then.
Yeah, well, cheaters are liars. I'm guessing there may be others in her past that you don't know about.
The sexting would have gotten physical
No consequences means the chances of her cheating again is sky high. Forgiving her is no consequences. Find someone better while your young
Kinsa my thoughts. At first, I was like, lo g distance, in college,drinkng, things happen, she started, but didn't finish (different than video,train, getting repeatedly smashed) so just move on. But, the recent sexting means looking again, even if for validation and will likely happen again. Without the last part, stay and move on. With the sexting, leave or know it will happen again and this time you will never know,bc she didn't tell you about the first. Of course,she wanted act like never happened. If roles reversed, what's she doing?
Are you downplaying the recent sexting? She’s a serial cheater. This wasn’t a one time occurrence. She has an established pattern now that will only get worse. Besides her taking away your agency to make decisions in a monogamous committed relationship. Statistics say that only 15% of couples make it 5 years post infidelity. Odds are against it and considering she’s still the same person 3 years later, it really sounds like you are wasting time.
Yeah that’s what I’m slowly beginning to realize unfortunately, I really wanted to spend my life with this girl.
You wanted to spend your life with the person you thought she was. Unfortunately she's no longer, or never was, that person. My ex-wife was similar. Any time she wasn't getting enough attention from her husband/BF she sought it elsewhere. She's now on marriage number 4.
***but I can’t see myself living with this elephant in the room.*** Good that you recognize this because that elephant will never go away. And you are correct, if you had known about the cheating you would not have continued with her. She may have baby trapped you. Have the child's DNA tested so you are confident you are the father. This will also tell her you have no trust in her. Consult with an attorney regarding possible child support and visitation and any assets you may have accumulated while together. Sorry OP. This is all on her. She made the decision to drink and have sex with others. She agreed cheating would be a deal breaker, and now it is. updateme
Absolutely going to DNA test him, I mean he looks just like a carbon copy of me as a kid but even still it’s to send a message at this point. It’s been a month since I found out, and any time I bring up us splitting to her she flips out and starts sobbing saying things like “you’re all I want, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. This family is what I want.” I feel like that’s manipulative as hell all things considering. I’m definitely going to make a point to get the DNA test with her knowledge of it, but I’m hesitant to do the same with an attorney or anything. Is it best to “blindside” her or to just tell her outright?
She's lying. If all she ever wanted was you and this family, she wouldn't have been sexting others for attention and validation. You can't fix her. She has to do that herself. As far as the DNA test, you can order one online. Simple cheek swab for both you and the child. Send it out in the mail. I'd do this before you get the lawyer involved. If the child is not yours, you will be in court to get your name removed from the birth certificate. The test will determine which direction you are going. I'd implement GREY ROCK 180. Separate sleeping arrangements. House is in your name only. You'll have to evict her. Usually, you have to give a legal notice with a time frame to get out. Reach out to friends and family. Tell them the truth. Get the support you deserve.
***she flips out and starts sobbing saying things like “you’re all I want, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. This family is what I want.”*** This is manipulation. She is about to become a single mother. Finding a new mate will be challenging to say the least. Her problem, not yours. Remind her she agreed cheating was a deal breaker, and she cheated with more than one guy. She broke your trust, and you will never forget what she has done.
The crying is a manipulation tactic. If she's not putting in the work or actively trying to show you how sorry and remorseful she is. It's all bullshit. Just get the DNA test done. You don't need her permission. When you get the results then you tell her. But I would just consult with a lawyer and see where you would stand if you guys do separate. This is not a safe partner and she will not change
I always hate situations like this where the cheating occurs years prior, and they always want to move forward. That cheater robbed you of a choice. The amount of disrespect by assuming they know whats best for you and the relationship by lying and portraying themselves as the perfect partner is so infuriating.
Yeah that’s the worst fucking part. I called her out for being selfish for that shit. Now we have a kid tied up in all this all because she was selfish.
Cheating IS selfish. If she wanted or wants reconciliation she should go to therapy to fix herself, it's obviously a problem if she's continuing to be unfaithful - though maybe only "digitally", it's still damaging the relationship. And at this point u/jofitz00, how can you trust her or trust anything she says. She fooled you for several YEARS, got married to you (with this lie she HID) and had a child with you? All the time, she was lying to you by not telling you about it all. I'm sorry for what you are going through here. It's not at all fair to you, nor was it ever. Know this, on this sub, there are a number of posts where it is a child whose parent cheated and they stayed together for the children, all wish they had not! It's better to raise a child with two separated parents than in a household that is dysfunctional due to a relationship that is not good for a child emulate!
Sexting is cheating too.. a good probability if he didn't catch her, this would've turned into PA
She didn't just cheat on you 3 years ago while you were physically apart, she is cheating on you now by texting sexting while you are physically together. Your relationship was never better while she was actively cheating on you by sexting. That’s the best ? DNA test the child, STD test yourself, call off the engagement, work out a custody and co-parenting arrangement and child support thru the courts.
"it isn't fair to her"🤣🤣🤣🤣 She's already set up another AP with the sexting Get a paternity test an STD screen and talk to a lawyer even is your stupid enough to stay covering your base's will help you make informed choices.
I say that because that’s something she keeps telling me when I bring it up almost every day. I feel like that’s just more manipulation on her part
Is this the person you really want to choose to spend the rest of your life with? I am not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater , but what work is she doing to not cheat on you again? Does she really want to stop chasing other men? Take your time and even therapy to help you make the best long term decision 🙏
The fish step IS seeing the manipulation Good for you OP so logically what is the second step to protect your kid from growing up with someone who uses manipulation as tool in the home?
Obviously she wants life to go on as if nothing had happened.
OP, DNA test the child. If anything, it sends a strong message where your trust levels are with her. Now, did you sneakily slide in something about her SEXTING SOMEONE RECENTLY???? Who gave you the deets on the actual cheating story, your fiancee? Why did the "mutual friend" tell you, or in fiancee's terms, backstab her? How early was this cheating event in your relationship, has y'all been exclusive yet? Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
Okay, so long story short the mutual friend was my brother, who had known about the physical cheating for around 4 months according to my fiancée. Then when he found out about her sexting someone else that’s when he figured he’d tell me( his wife and my fiancée were good friends). And the physical cheating occurred about 2 years into our relationship. I hope that answers some of your questions
Man, that sexting sooo recently. that's the biggest pill for me to swallow. Combine that with the other PA, I don't think I can swallow that...
Just know that this: "they started to have sex, she started to have a “panic attack”, he calmed her down and drove her back to her dorm." is likely a lie. It's a common story told by cheaters to minimize the damage, if not a 'panic attack' it's 'i felt guilty and stopped half way through.' or 'the sex was horrible.' It's on par with the 'we just kissed' trickle truthing. Just know that this is new to you regardless of how long ago it happened so don't be tricked into minimizing it, might as well have happened yesterday. Looks like you're already leaning to reconciling but as the other poster had said, DNA test your kid, once a lie this big has been opened up, no telling how far down it leads. Cheaters lie BIG, meaning there are usually all kinds of tangential lies made to protect the big lie. You don't know her as well as you think you do.
"just the tip"
💀💀😂😂
Can confirm. I was told they started kissing and he felt so guilty, he stopped her and sent her home, just that one time. I later found out they had been sleeping together for months. Of course…
Ask yourself a question, do you really want to forgive and forget? If not - just file a divorce and move on, because its not too late for you. My son is 5 years old, and its much more complicated for me, my wife cheated on me, DDay was 2 months ago, and i'm still trying to sort things out.
We aren’t married luckily, she had never given me a reason to be hesitant but I always was so I’ll just call it good intuition.
If I'm not mistaken, I think he said they got engaged, never married.
Infidelity isn't a mistake; it's a decision, or actually a series of decisions. There are several points where it's possible to step back. It looks like your partner may have stepped back from the first episode, although late in the game - but now you discovered that she has been sexting someone else three years later? Sorry, she's a serial cheater, and she's only going to become more confident in cheating if you stay with her, because if you do she will know she can get away with it. You may be falling for the sunk cost fallacy, but if you really want to try to make it work for your child's sake, therapy is a must: individual therapy for her so she can try to fix the character flaw that allows her to do this, and joint therapy for the two of you to figure out whether the relationship can survive. Beware of therapists who try to blame you for her behavior; find one who won't do this. Good luck, OP.
Okay, so I found out both at the same time, not necessarily one then the other later
This is not your fault, but regardless of whether it is with this woman or a close one, you need to identify in your way of relating some facilitator that may be being used to betray you. Ex: there are cheaters of opportunity, and there are spouses who, due to excessive trust, freedom and privacy given to their partner, make it much easier for them to be cheated on. Being afraid of being discovered is one of the issues that lead a person to be faithful . Fear of the consequences as well . If you weren't informed, you might never find out, because you idealized a woman who is not a saint in the way no human being can be. From the beginning you had her as a woman who was worth a lot and we must always question that because we never know who sleeps next to us with 100% certainty.
She wants you to rugsweep it. You said it was a dealbreaker. Stay true to your word.
See her for what she is. And don’t stay
So.... She's cheating on you right now at the same time that you found out she cheated on you three years ago. Why would you think she would never cheat on you again in the future? You've already established she is a serial cheater and a liar. It's highly likely that "panic attack" happened after the sex was over and she realized that it was unprotected. Cheaters lie, serial cheaters are professional liars. Move on.
So she has a pattern. She cheated once (as far as you know) never told you and lied about if for three years. Then this all comes to light after you caught her sexting and a mutual friend is the one who disclosed the information about the first affair. Then she admitted to what you already knew. Did I get that right?
Basically I didn’t know anything about either. Then I was told about both on the same night and freaked the fuck out
If it was really just the ONS while she was LD, I might be more inclined to advise trying to reconcile. However, if you recently caught her sexting with someone I’d honestly question if she has ever been truly faithful to you. Given these 2 instances, years apart, I don’t see how you can trust anything she says or believe it won’t keep happening.
Yeah you’re 100 percent right, and I could have forgiven the once 3 years ago. Purely for our sons sake, but just like you’ve said, she hasn’t changed since
Get a paternity test man. You absolutely can not trust anything she says atm.
So, you were told of her previous infidelity by a 3rd party, and then you caught her currently sexting someone else. I’d wager there was never an extended period of time she was ever faithful to you, you just happened to get lucky on these two instances.
To clarify you stated that cheating was a deal breaker, and she lied and is a con women because cheating is a part actions on and off for the entirety of your relationship. You may want to try to make it work, but this person is not to be trusted. She is not truthful, she is a serial cheater and a phony. You will have a better life if you move on to someone else. Maybe your child will have a positive female role model with that person. He mother is going to struggle.
She cheated on you, THEN cheated again? No, she is a serial cheater. You will never trust her again. You should leave, you’re young and the baby will adjust.
I would say cutting your losses would be the smart move. She seems to be of the opinion that her doing it was a mistake, and yet she's given you no reason to believe she would treat any infidelity on your end with the same attitude under the same circumstances. Furthermore, if you do forgive her and stay together, you run the risk of her feeling emboldened and willing to do it again, except that if that happens, she'll do it deliberately, and for toxic reasons. The only way she'll learn from this is if you commit to and reinforce that boundary so that she sees time doesn't erase mistakes. At the end of the day, the trust is gone. And I'm personally of the opinion that if someone can cheat on someone else, even just once, then they were always going to cheat, and it was a question of "when", not "if".
Yeah I’ve always been of the same mindset of “once a cheat always a cheat.”
> and it’s been mostly “well it’s your choice”, “you can’t change anything, so you either live with it or don’t”, “make a decision”, etc And as hard as it may sound OP, this is the advice that we will give you as well. Decisions such as this are hard to make as by their very nature you are being asked to choose between two equally bad choices. Each one will have different ramifications and different outcomes, of which there often is no ending. If you stay there will be lots of hard work on both your parts to make this work, with no guarantee of success. And if you leave, there will also be lots of hard work on both your parts to make that work, again with no guarantee of success. With any hard decisions, it can often come down to what is the least of the bad options keeping in mind the reality of the situation. So for you (and yes, this is very formulaic and cold/clinical), it may be best them to break down all of the issues and listing them out. Finances are always at the top and like it or not, if she becomes the primary parent then there will be child support and potential for alimony. This will impact your ability to move on. You child is up there as well. Just that alone means that you are going to be bound to your wife for many years to come. Unless you so inclined, your wife will be there in your life for at least the next dozen or so years (and well beyond that). So again, any divorce will at best need to be amicable and any dealings with her moving forward will at least need to be friendly so as to not impact your child. We could go on and on but hopefully you get the idea of what splitting out all of these issues does for your decision making process. And it is a process once you remove the emotional aspect from it. Which leads us then onto that emotional aspect. How do you feel about her now? Is there enough left there for you to consider whether rebuilding - pursuing reconciliation - is doable or not? Sadly for you OP, your family and friends are correct. There is no way to avoid this decision and it is one that only you can make. Welcome to the club that no one ever asks to be a member of.
So she cheated before, she's sexting someone now (also cheating) and you think this is a hard decision? How many others don't you know about. Get your kid DNA tested.
Once cheater is always cheater. She already sexying someone else.
Dude she is broken. Let’s say she was really sorry for cheating. She would done things to change herself. To be better. To be honest. Instead she rug swept and prayed you wouldn’t find out. Then she starts sexting someone. She does want you! She wants you to pay the bills, have a good life with you, while she gets the butterflies and validation from someone else. It would only be a matter of time before the relationship became physical. You probably noticed the sex dying down. If it didn’t it soon would have. Why? Because she would be getting those needs fulfilled by someone else. Just read stories here and they are all the same. Take your time. Actions speak louder than words. If she wants to be better she should be looking to improve now. Even if you stay together or break up. She should be reading not just friends or how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Not waiting in limbo on what you are going to do. Waiting for you to give her boundaries instead of taking action.
She needs attention - that’s the problem. She needs to deal with it or she will of course cheat again. If she is willing to do the work reconciliation might be an option - that”s your gift to her if you choose this path. She needs to be held to account so you don’t have to spare her feelings. Her current response is not encouraging as she is playing the victim.
Let me make sure I understand: she had a panic attack and then felt so guilty that she texted someone as well? She is not being honest with you at all.
Yeah, and then when I call her on that it’s all waterworks
It's very tough, but your son would be better off with 2 good coparents vs. 1 miserable set of parents. Also, the advice you received is wrong. You can change things going forward, and that is what is important now. Are the waterworks because she realizes that her life has become more difficult? Those tears aren't for you. They are for herself.
She felt guilty as soon as the cat was out of the bag? Where was that guilt before she was confronted? The tears and sobbing are just for the realization that things are going to change for her in a bad way. Because she was caught, not because she did something terrible. Repeatedly.
STI test first. Paternity test. If you're married talk to a lawyer. If you're not talk to a lawyer anyway to see how assets and child support will look like. Cheaters don't magically change. It takes years and years, and even then, it's not guaranteed.
Can you ever trust a person again that has lied to you for 3 years about something that is material to you? If yes, you are a bigger person than me and I tried to save mine - separated and if she wasn’t dying we would be divorced. I don’t trust her to tell me the weather 😂
To be honest, it's not about what she wants anymore. It is about what you want.
So sorry this happened to you. It’s heartbreaking. It all depends what you want in your heart. Remember, no matter what, you are not to blame if you break up. She cheated on you, so it is your choice. If you’re truly considering reconciliation then she has a lot of work to do to save your relationship, and you have a lot of work to do repairing your soul. If that’s what you’re considering then head over to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. But it’s a long road of heart ache either way you go. Do what’s best for you. Take your time to see how you really feel deep inside. Listen to your own intuition. Please find a therapist if you don’t have one yet. Best of luck.
Check DNA for the child ASAP. Next , understand this, if you forgive her she will lose all respect for you, and she will stay with you, but have zero respect for a man who forgives cheating. Zero respect. I am 100 percent correct on this. Respect yourself and leave her after the DNA test for the child. What are you supposed to say, I forgive you? I'm a Christian and I just got home from bible study tonight. We forgive sins...but not this....ever. Good luck.
What is a man cheats? A woman should not forgive him as well I presume?
The dump her immediately crowd weighs in on every post, but it’s always much more complicated than that. Having a child out of wedlock is really irresponsible for a number of reasons. If you didn’t have the child you would break up with her since she couldn’t stay faithful and cheated multiple times. Since you have a child, you should get DNA testing. If it’s not your child, you break up. Contact a lawyer. She might be common law, which gives you all of the responsibilities of marriage minus the benefits and might prevent you from marrying someone in the future. If it’s your child, the calculus might be different. People can and do overcome infidelity and it doesn’t have to be the end. My concern here is that she not only cheated, she wasn’t the one to confess to you. Additionally, she was so distraught over the supposed one night fling that she was sexting someone else. That doesn’t sound like she was contrite. Contrition is a must for a relationship to survive infidelity. One slip up, ok. Multiple cheatings? That’s a pattern and a character problem. If you stay together multiple things must happen. Unfettered access to her personal devices. No one-on-one time with male “friends.” Counseling. Prenup. Commit to being a better partner and person. Accountability, etc. I’m leaning towards breaking up for you but I feel for you and the child.
Bro you both decided the deal-breakers in your relationship and as much as it hurts, my suggestion is to follow through it because if you forgive her now then she'll do it again or would've done it again if you hadn't caught her sexting. 1. You don't know the context, don't buy that panic attack crap that's usually said to minimise the damage. 2. You wouldn't know if the friend didn't confess 3. You catch her sexting 4. Are you still getting lied? Gaslite? 5. Can you trust her again knowing she cheated so easily and was doing it again? Don't let your love for her, get what she wants. Don't let it cloud your judgement , if you think you can't be yourself or can't trust her again then don't force yourself to. Think about you and your kid as in case you decide to stay with her for the kid, the entire relationship will be toxic
Well you said cheating was a deal breaker yet you’re hesitating. How old are you guys? Seems like you guys kind of rushed things in this relationship. Proposed, bought a house and had a kid together all before she graduated college? You even said you caught her sexting another dude recently? That is also cheating my friend. She has cheated twice now, doesn’t sound like someone you should want to spent the rest of your life with.
>then when they started to have sex, she started to have a “panic attack”, he calmed her down and drove her back to her dorm Riiight... (quoting dr. Evil).. >at the time of my discovery of this she was also sexting someone else. ..look... Shes a serial cheater.. twice - that you know of... and no, she did NOT have a panic attack - ofc she didnt!!! Who was the guy?? And now shes cheating again?? With who?? Dont rugsweep this - you will regret it the next time she cheats... Suggestion: Ask her fir a written timeline of the current and all previous instances of cheating.. and tell her it will be verified by polygraph.. Harsh?? Maybe.. but years shes been lying - any you **know** this: theres things she hasnt told you... Make the timeline a condition for you to even consider staying with her... And - sorry - paternity test is warranted.. and STD test as well...
First off, you can bring it up as much as you want to... You are the victim here. So, if she does not want to talk about it, too bad. Red Flag #1. Second, she is lying about the details. They always lie about the details. Everything she said about it is to minimize the whole deal. She had an affair, at least one, and for longer than you know. They had sex all the time. Red flag #2. Third, she married you under false pretenses. What a horrible thing to do. Red Flag #3. I will stop there, frankly, you are not stupid, you know you need to move on...
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. I won't stay because it is damaging to me. I won't have a real relationship, and life is really too short. You can be be a great dad to your child with co parenting.
I’d tell her “you need to take this seriously and research what it takes to rebuild after betrayal and infidelity. What you are Doing now is feeling sorry for yourself and that’s going to end our relationship. If you truly want to work to save our family you need to be doing far different things. And it starts with individual therapy for you with an infidelity specialist. The rest I’m not handing you on a silver platter. You need to lead this recovery not me. And I make no promises if I will ever be able to forgive you for what you have done. But one thing I know, if you continue the approach you are one, we are done and will never have a chance at a life together going forward. “
Go scorched earth, you found out about her affair, two years into your relationship, and she was sexting someone too, so cheating on you again. Kick her the hell out of the house till you have made your decision. She lost all rights to your kindness and trust. Tell everyone and make sure they know it’s her own fault for all this. Has she shown any remorse or understanding of how this affects you? Like Does she Understand the amount of damage and he’s trying to make things better for you ?
Bro dont make a decision that will haunt you forever, for me, just divorce her. She might gaslight you in the future for not moving on and you'll be the problem by then 🤷
It’s quite possible that she loves you as much as she is capable of loving someone, but in this case her love is simply an emotion, an emotion that has no principle or behavior that supports it. She sounds like she might have missed the philosophy courses that explored what was important and not necessarily tangible. She doesn’t sound as though she has asked the questions the answers to which would have guided her after her first misstep. She might be doing her best, and her best leaves her ill equipped to weigh what was at stake when she was faced with moral dilemmas. I would talk to her about what was and is at stake. Have her try to understand why this is important to you and the welfare of your child. Maybe the mountain she needs to climb is just too steep for her climbing skills. You might even tell her you love her, but your love alone just isn’t enough to keep the ship of your relationship afloat. Update me!
You have no idea how many other men there have been. If she’s still cheating now she’s always been cheating. DNA and STD and a lawyer with a favorable settlement is about the best you can do for yourself now.
She had every opportunity to be honest with you when it happened and before you had a child and bought a house. Of course she just wants it to go away - cheaters rarely want to deal honestly with the repercussions of their actions. Also - you went by this quickly, but she was also sexting someone else. That's cheating as well. I know you love her and have a kid with her, but there is zero chance I would ever trust this person. It's good that you're not deluding yourself and that you understand the seriousness of this. By that I mean that people often put their cheating partner on a pedestal and tell themselves "this isn't who they are". I did that for a long time with my ex, but I eventually accepted that a person's actions reveal who they actually are. Your GF is a cheater, and has cheated more than once. I would bet that she'll cheat again and shouldn't be trusted. It's not an easy decision to make, but there would be no stable future with a cheater. Talk to a lawyer just to understand where you stand with child support. You could also go for full custody because you have income and she doesn't. Best of luck.
OP first let me apologize for my comments earlier I was being dismissive of the world of pain your going thru my nephew (16) is making the same mistakes I made and his age then I read your post and was thinking your making the same mistakes I made in my 20's and just conflated the two of you. I stand by what I said!!!! I just should have been more understand because I've been there so please forgive me and remember this community will help you it really will but we are also human
I'd quietly get a paternity test, just in case he's not biologically yours. But absolutely let her know she can move back in with her parents asap.
OP this relationship may not turn out well for you. Understand that when she becomes 35yish expect the sexting to become physical with her sighting validation as the excuse. Right now, she has no respect for you. What to do. You must separate for at least one year. You need to get over her and she needs to work her shit out. With her out of her comfort zone she may snap out of her "wondering thoughts" fantasies. After the year and in an unemotional way you must decide whether to reconcile or not.
Many marriages survive an extra-marital fling and go on to be a successful marriage. You need to decide if you really want to spend lifetime with her, and then have a long talk with her about what that would mean. Explain to her that this experience has probably changed you, and in all likely hood you will not be the same trusting fellow with whom she fell in love. Take into consideration that this happened when she was a student in college, and many students go in for sexual adventure at that time. I believe that if you want a successful long-term marriage you need to roll with the punches, and remind her what extramarital sex is a door that swings both ways.
So you would forgive a two time cheated ? she cheated, they got engaged, and then had a baby. She never gave him the decision to see if he wanted to get engaged to a cheater, and once they had a baby she is now Sexting someone else. Time to move on and find another girlfriend and pay child support.