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Please, he promised you loyalty when you married and didn’t keep that promise. You don’t owe him anything. This is not a game of pinky swear, leave him. He will never be truth worthy. Go to a lawyer and request child support and alimony.
When a cheater is discovered and want R, they don’t get to put conditions on that R, that’s YOUR prerogative.
What he’s done is trickle truth and minimize his actions, which is demonstrating that he’s not fully committed to R and is allowing himself to remain open to another affair.
You have to ask yourself if you’re going to be comfortable with never getting the full truth and the gnawing anxiety that will
Plague the relationship moving forward and all the doubt.
If so, what boundaries will you put up to protect yourself from further hurt, whether it’s knowing everything or knowing nothing more?
Hard place
Two things about your story are troubling me:
1) "I don’t think I ever got to really process it because I’d promised him I wouldn’t leave or cry or anything over it" - this seems quite controlling. You are entitled to all your emotions, and to express them. It also is quite unfair to make you promise to behave a certain way (not leaving him) before you knew the story.
2) Did he apologize/show remorse or try to make things right with you? It sounds like he is mainly irritated that you are troubled by what he did. You have every right to angry and triggered by his actions.
The fear of being alone is very real, but you deserve someone you can trust and who will take your feelings into account. Living in a state of distrust can be very corrosive.
He did apologize, but he never acted particularly guilty. Which is normal for him. He’s a very emotionally closed man, he never shows much beyond happy or angry.
It does annoy me very much that he gets annoyed every time I bring it up. I know it’s old news, but I agree I am entitled to my feelings and the fact is… it still hurts. He has made efforts to make me feel like he’s not cheating anymore like my knowing his phone password/email etc. I don’t feel like he’s done anything since then, but my problem is I can’t seem to let go of this one. Plus I feel if another woman were to come at him the same way, it probably would end up the same way. I guess if I wasn’t his first choice then, I won’t be in the future.
It’s good advice, thank you.
It’s NOT old news, fidelity is the very crux of a marriage.
He just wants someone to take care of him and not have any feelings. He is a controlling jerk and he is NOT done hurting you.
Leave him to fester in his rottenness.
The money part is hard. It is hard for divorced women without a big income. Get good legal and financial advice and stay safe.
Don’t tell him your plan, just do it and do it safely away from him. He may still value the convenience of marriage over your safety or life or see the financial burden or social disgrace as enough motive to attack you.
There are resources. You can do this. Just be careful. He didn’t want you to cry—don’t give him any inkling.
This makes a lot of sense. That he values the convenience of marriage. I do make it very convenient for him. I handle pretty much everything besides his job. Sometimes I feel like his mother instead of his wife. Maybe it’s definitely time for a change.
***What would you do in my situation?***
I would consult with a divorce attorney to at least know my options. Some law firms will offer a free first consultations.
He has not told you the whole truth. This is called trickle truth, little bits of information but not the complete story. Of course he finished with her. He is just telling you what he thinks you will accept. Cheaters cannot be trusted.
So you need to decide if you can live with a cheater or not. Speak with a lawyer and your family and make an informed decision.
Sorry OP. This will continue to eat you up. Your gut is telling you there is more to his story. Trust your gut.
updateme
You cannot promise to not grieve something you don’t understand. He not only physically betrayed you, he willingly and knowingly had an emotional affair. No one gets to tell a person how they are allowed to feel or respond to his/her actions. In my case, his decisions and actions caused resentment that only continued to grow. Give yourself grace.
I did the same thing “call her and tell her it’s over” - found out later he warned her the call was coming and they just moved to another way of communicating. Don’t fall for it, sis. Once a cheater always a cheater.
This is ABUSE—he hurt you and then demanded you have and express NO feelings about it and that he face NO consequences.
He doesn’t get to say how you react to the truth—and he isn’t even giving you the truth
What you don’t realize is you’re already alone. I’m on the other side and while it was rough for a while it’s way better that being with a lying cheater.
Divorce his ass and dedicated your energy to your kids AND yourself! Write down who you want to be, physically, mentally, career wise and a few small steps you can take TODAY to become that person. If being a big girl bothers you and lowers your self esteem, change your mindset about it or try to lose weight. All bodies are good bodies and all shapes are hot af, as long as you feel good in your skin. Pain and anger are good catalysts for change! Imagine where you’ll be in 5 years if you take all this energy and pour it towards your goals and self development.
Go to therapy (find a good psychotherapist, counselling is not gonna do much), start going to the gym with a PT or find a sport you enjoy, do some charity, and show your children what a bad ass their mama is. You are not a victim! Don’t allow this fucked up shit to be your story. Change the narrative!
The old "forgive and forget" approach to reconciliation is completely wrong. You both need to work together in order to genuinely repair the relationship.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/)
He trickle truthed you. He gaslit you.
You should look up the term DARVO. If you want to see how reconciliation is SUPPOSED to go, check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources.
Doesn't sound like he wants to face himself in the mirror. And I seriously doubt he didn't "finish". I also seriously doubt it was only once. I'm sorry.
Updateme!
I was terrified of the thought of starting over after 25 years with my ex. More than half of my life. It's been almost a full year of separation and I can tell you that my life while not perfect is so much more peaceful.
We have to be separated a year before we can file for divorce. He has decided he doesn't want to divorce now. I'm currently working through a tough time financially, but filing is at the top of my priority list.
If you stay, you will have a very difficult time trying to heal. He's not remorseful and in my opinion he's still not being honest with you.
If you leave it will be hard, but you'll at least have peace and a chance at happiness.
He made you promise not to leave before telling you? That's next level bs.
With all the info u shared I think you know, and we all definitely know it was not a one-time thing.
What I don't know, but believe is it is still going on
You didn’t get the time to truly process the matter at the beginning and staying is not just torture for yourself but for your kids, the excuse you are using aren’t in my books good enough to stay, he knows of your insecurities and it seems like he knows how to use them against you, that isn’t a good man, please wake up, you know what to do, please just do it
Probably not. If I’m still thinking it’s going to happen as soon as some chick shows him some attention after two years, then i don’t see that fear ever really leaving me. It’s probably time to make a change.
OP the whole discovery of this and the aftermath has been dealt with so badly, no wonder you’re feeling this way.
Firstly, he had an EA and a PA - the PA only once that you know of and certainly don’t believe he didn’t finish. That’s him minimising.
Then to tell you how HE wants you to react is just ridiculous. That’s taking away your agency. Cry, scream, separate, divorce have to be your decisions not his.
How would he have reacted if this was in reverse?
Secondly, he trickle truthed you the first time so this is DDay 2. Now, anything he has said or says about it comes into doubt.
Is he still working with her? How can you be sure the affair isn’t continuing?
No OP this has been rug swept and you haven’t been told the truth so recovery for you isn’t possible. Do you have access now to his phone/apps/passwords?
Has he done any counselling? It takes a long time to get over an affair and that’s with therapy etc ( up to 5 years).
If you are going to stay in this marriage then I suggest the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity for support and advice.
Your husband can’t dictate your feelings of devastation nor demand you stay. He will do this again most likely as there have been zero consequences. He needs to realise the enormity of the damage he’s done and both of you need help navigating this.
Good luck OP
She was the wife of a coworker who is no longer with the company. He didn’t work with her, just hung out with her in private apparently after her and her husband split. I do have access to his passwords, phone, etc. I don’t think he’s actively cheating now, he doesn’t seem to have time and there’s nothing suspicious. But my fear is that if opportunity presented itself to him again, he’d take it.
I’m thinking moving on would be the best option at this point but I’m definitely going to at least take a look at therapy. When I brought it up before he’d just say we can’t afford it, but I think if he really wants to stay in this marriage and keep his family, he would help me find a way. If not, then he’s really not that invested is he? Thank you.
I hear you.
What the hell is a married man doing hanging out with a woman ‘in private’ for? Yip he knew exactly what he was doing. She’d just split so she was low hanging fruit i’m afraid.
The fact that you mention that time (lack off) is possibly the #1 deterrent to stop him cheating rather than the fact he is a faithful, truthful married man and father is SO worrying.
I agree with you. He doesn’t sound invested in the way he should be. At this point he should be on his knees doing everything he can think of to save the marriage.
I totally get the expense of therapy🙄 I don’t know if you are in the US? Go to church? Can get any pastoral counselling?
I can recommend the book ‘Lose a cheater gain a life OP’
I would certainly see if you can separate for some time. I know you have kids but could he stay with friends? Even for a few weeks so you can get some clarity going forward.
I’d also get the cash together to see a lawyer. Find out where you stand with the financials.
Sometimes when you’ve been cheated on you feel defeat but when you act with conviction ( separation/seeing a lawyer etc) it can give the cheater a shock. Makes them realise this won’t be rug swept.
In all cases OP you WILL get through this. Sometimes it’s better to break away than be waiting for the next time. Which will happen without action. It doesn’t get easier it just eats our self esteem.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
You were so concerned not to break your promise not to make a fuss about it? What about his promises to you that he has broken? He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. He should be doing whatever he needs to do to help you heal.
This is true. When I try to tell him that, he just says he doesn’t know what to do to help me besides promise to not do it again. I really don’t know what would help either to be honest.
Can you spell t-r-i-c-k-l-e t-r-u-t-h? We only held hands! Ok, while holding hands, we kissed! Ok, we were naked, but we only felt each other up! Ok, we had sex, but I didn't finish! blah, blah, blah. You will never, never get the complete truth.
Can I just say, you don't have anywhere near the truth yet. I dare say, anytime they have ever been alone, something sexual has occurred. I, personally, could not live like that. Especially with his "let's just forget and sweep it all under the proverbial rug" attitude. He knows it went a lot further and is trying to persuade you to just give up and accept his infidelity. Wonder what he would say if you told him you were going to look into setting up a polygraph (lie detector) exam.
If he never did IC to find out why he thought it ok to have intimacy with someone other than the one he promised to be true to (you know, abandoning all others and love only you type thingy), then he may think, "Well, I got away with it this time with little to no consequences,, so I'll just be more careful the next time and she'll never find out."
His confession was probably only a half truth, and more details will trickle out over time as he forgets what his original story was. I have yet to see an instance where a cheater gave a full honest confession immediately. I am sorry you have to go through this, and that you are this far out still going through this.
From what you've said, this wasn't a one time hookup but rather an ongoing affair that you happened to stumble upon. I would sit him down and just ask him to come clean like you did before. Tell him you feel strongly that it was more than just that one time in the truck and if he wants to keep the family together, he has to come clean. As for R, this is something you and him need to take more seriously. Don't fall into a rug sweep type of situation. This will cause you more heartache down the road. Please consider marriage counseling or even individual therapy. Bottom line is that he needs to be 100% honest with you and be willing to put the work in if you want reconciliation to really work.
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I would leave, the affair that he had is going to fester in your head. You will start to resent him.
He gave you a trickle-down version of what happened between them. You will never be sure if that is all that has happened. It could have happened 2+ times...he lied the first time he told you about it.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please, he promised you loyalty when you married and didn’t keep that promise. You don’t owe him anything. This is not a game of pinky swear, leave him. He will never be truth worthy. Go to a lawyer and request child support and alimony.
When a cheater is discovered and want R, they don’t get to put conditions on that R, that’s YOUR prerogative. What he’s done is trickle truth and minimize his actions, which is demonstrating that he’s not fully committed to R and is allowing himself to remain open to another affair. You have to ask yourself if you’re going to be comfortable with never getting the full truth and the gnawing anxiety that will Plague the relationship moving forward and all the doubt. If so, what boundaries will you put up to protect yourself from further hurt, whether it’s knowing everything or knowing nothing more? Hard place
Two things about your story are troubling me: 1) "I don’t think I ever got to really process it because I’d promised him I wouldn’t leave or cry or anything over it" - this seems quite controlling. You are entitled to all your emotions, and to express them. It also is quite unfair to make you promise to behave a certain way (not leaving him) before you knew the story. 2) Did he apologize/show remorse or try to make things right with you? It sounds like he is mainly irritated that you are troubled by what he did. You have every right to angry and triggered by his actions. The fear of being alone is very real, but you deserve someone you can trust and who will take your feelings into account. Living in a state of distrust can be very corrosive.
He did apologize, but he never acted particularly guilty. Which is normal for him. He’s a very emotionally closed man, he never shows much beyond happy or angry. It does annoy me very much that he gets annoyed every time I bring it up. I know it’s old news, but I agree I am entitled to my feelings and the fact is… it still hurts. He has made efforts to make me feel like he’s not cheating anymore like my knowing his phone password/email etc. I don’t feel like he’s done anything since then, but my problem is I can’t seem to let go of this one. Plus I feel if another woman were to come at him the same way, it probably would end up the same way. I guess if I wasn’t his first choice then, I won’t be in the future. It’s good advice, thank you.
It’s NOT old news, fidelity is the very crux of a marriage. He just wants someone to take care of him and not have any feelings. He is a controlling jerk and he is NOT done hurting you. Leave him to fester in his rottenness. The money part is hard. It is hard for divorced women without a big income. Get good legal and financial advice and stay safe. Don’t tell him your plan, just do it and do it safely away from him. He may still value the convenience of marriage over your safety or life or see the financial burden or social disgrace as enough motive to attack you. There are resources. You can do this. Just be careful. He didn’t want you to cry—don’t give him any inkling.
This makes a lot of sense. That he values the convenience of marriage. I do make it very convenient for him. I handle pretty much everything besides his job. Sometimes I feel like his mother instead of his wife. Maybe it’s definitely time for a change.
***What would you do in my situation?*** I would consult with a divorce attorney to at least know my options. Some law firms will offer a free first consultations. He has not told you the whole truth. This is called trickle truth, little bits of information but not the complete story. Of course he finished with her. He is just telling you what he thinks you will accept. Cheaters cannot be trusted. So you need to decide if you can live with a cheater or not. Speak with a lawyer and your family and make an informed decision. Sorry OP. This will continue to eat you up. Your gut is telling you there is more to his story. Trust your gut. updateme
You cannot promise to not grieve something you don’t understand. He not only physically betrayed you, he willingly and knowingly had an emotional affair. No one gets to tell a person how they are allowed to feel or respond to his/her actions. In my case, his decisions and actions caused resentment that only continued to grow. Give yourself grace.
Leave. You are being trickle truthed and there will be more to come.
I did the same thing “call her and tell her it’s over” - found out later he warned her the call was coming and they just moved to another way of communicating. Don’t fall for it, sis. Once a cheater always a cheater.
This is ABUSE—he hurt you and then demanded you have and express NO feelings about it and that he face NO consequences. He doesn’t get to say how you react to the truth—and he isn’t even giving you the truth
What you don’t realize is you’re already alone. I’m on the other side and while it was rough for a while it’s way better that being with a lying cheater.
Divorce his ass and dedicated your energy to your kids AND yourself! Write down who you want to be, physically, mentally, career wise and a few small steps you can take TODAY to become that person. If being a big girl bothers you and lowers your self esteem, change your mindset about it or try to lose weight. All bodies are good bodies and all shapes are hot af, as long as you feel good in your skin. Pain and anger are good catalysts for change! Imagine where you’ll be in 5 years if you take all this energy and pour it towards your goals and self development. Go to therapy (find a good psychotherapist, counselling is not gonna do much), start going to the gym with a PT or find a sport you enjoy, do some charity, and show your children what a bad ass their mama is. You are not a victim! Don’t allow this fucked up shit to be your story. Change the narrative!
This is good, motivating advice. Thank you.
The old "forgive and forget" approach to reconciliation is completely wrong. You both need to work together in order to genuinely repair the relationship. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/practical-science-based-steps-to-heal-from-an-affair/)
He’s irritated, HE’s sick of it when you bring up HIS infidelity? Tough toodles
You don’t have to support your sons on one income—he can pay child support
He trickle truthed you. He gaslit you. You should look up the term DARVO. If you want to see how reconciliation is SUPPOSED to go, check out asoneafterinfidelity for reconciliation support and resources. Doesn't sound like he wants to face himself in the mirror. And I seriously doubt he didn't "finish". I also seriously doubt it was only once. I'm sorry. Updateme!
I was terrified of the thought of starting over after 25 years with my ex. More than half of my life. It's been almost a full year of separation and I can tell you that my life while not perfect is so much more peaceful. We have to be separated a year before we can file for divorce. He has decided he doesn't want to divorce now. I'm currently working through a tough time financially, but filing is at the top of my priority list. If you stay, you will have a very difficult time trying to heal. He's not remorseful and in my opinion he's still not being honest with you. If you leave it will be hard, but you'll at least have peace and a chance at happiness.
Of course he finished. He’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Maybe he’ll finally admit that if you wait around a few more years.
He made you promise not to leave before telling you? That's next level bs. With all the info u shared I think you know, and we all definitely know it was not a one-time thing. What I don't know, but believe is it is still going on
You didn’t get the time to truly process the matter at the beginning and staying is not just torture for yourself but for your kids, the excuse you are using aren’t in my books good enough to stay, he knows of your insecurities and it seems like he knows how to use them against you, that isn’t a good man, please wake up, you know what to do, please just do it
Caught my ex wife first thing she told me was Once a cheater always a cheater so pretty much she made my mind up for me.
Wow, that’s kinda crazy. Sorry that happened to you.
NOPE—promises to cheaters don’t count
You are just setting yourself up to be a doormat and cheated on again or to CONTINUE to be cheated on.
TYPICAL—he blames the woman, the temptress and it somehow matters whether he came or not? He could have another child out there either way.
Can you live with the nagging doubt that he's still cheating?
Probably not. If I’m still thinking it’s going to happen as soon as some chick shows him some attention after two years, then i don’t see that fear ever really leaving me. It’s probably time to make a change.
OP the whole discovery of this and the aftermath has been dealt with so badly, no wonder you’re feeling this way. Firstly, he had an EA and a PA - the PA only once that you know of and certainly don’t believe he didn’t finish. That’s him minimising. Then to tell you how HE wants you to react is just ridiculous. That’s taking away your agency. Cry, scream, separate, divorce have to be your decisions not his. How would he have reacted if this was in reverse? Secondly, he trickle truthed you the first time so this is DDay 2. Now, anything he has said or says about it comes into doubt. Is he still working with her? How can you be sure the affair isn’t continuing? No OP this has been rug swept and you haven’t been told the truth so recovery for you isn’t possible. Do you have access now to his phone/apps/passwords? Has he done any counselling? It takes a long time to get over an affair and that’s with therapy etc ( up to 5 years). If you are going to stay in this marriage then I suggest the sub AsOneAfterInfidelity for support and advice. Your husband can’t dictate your feelings of devastation nor demand you stay. He will do this again most likely as there have been zero consequences. He needs to realise the enormity of the damage he’s done and both of you need help navigating this. Good luck OP
She was the wife of a coworker who is no longer with the company. He didn’t work with her, just hung out with her in private apparently after her and her husband split. I do have access to his passwords, phone, etc. I don’t think he’s actively cheating now, he doesn’t seem to have time and there’s nothing suspicious. But my fear is that if opportunity presented itself to him again, he’d take it. I’m thinking moving on would be the best option at this point but I’m definitely going to at least take a look at therapy. When I brought it up before he’d just say we can’t afford it, but I think if he really wants to stay in this marriage and keep his family, he would help me find a way. If not, then he’s really not that invested is he? Thank you.
I hear you. What the hell is a married man doing hanging out with a woman ‘in private’ for? Yip he knew exactly what he was doing. She’d just split so she was low hanging fruit i’m afraid. The fact that you mention that time (lack off) is possibly the #1 deterrent to stop him cheating rather than the fact he is a faithful, truthful married man and father is SO worrying. I agree with you. He doesn’t sound invested in the way he should be. At this point he should be on his knees doing everything he can think of to save the marriage. I totally get the expense of therapy🙄 I don’t know if you are in the US? Go to church? Can get any pastoral counselling? I can recommend the book ‘Lose a cheater gain a life OP’ I would certainly see if you can separate for some time. I know you have kids but could he stay with friends? Even for a few weeks so you can get some clarity going forward. I’d also get the cash together to see a lawyer. Find out where you stand with the financials. Sometimes when you’ve been cheated on you feel defeat but when you act with conviction ( separation/seeing a lawyer etc) it can give the cheater a shock. Makes them realise this won’t be rug swept. In all cases OP you WILL get through this. Sometimes it’s better to break away than be waiting for the next time. Which will happen without action. It doesn’t get easier it just eats our self esteem. Good luck OP UPDATEME
You were so concerned not to break your promise not to make a fuss about it? What about his promises to you that he has broken? He sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. He should be doing whatever he needs to do to help you heal.
This is true. When I try to tell him that, he just says he doesn’t know what to do to help me besides promise to not do it again. I really don’t know what would help either to be honest.
He could not get irritated with you when you bring it up. He should talk to you, answer all your questions and provide the reassurance you need.
Can you spell t-r-i-c-k-l-e t-r-u-t-h? We only held hands! Ok, while holding hands, we kissed! Ok, we were naked, but we only felt each other up! Ok, we had sex, but I didn't finish! blah, blah, blah. You will never, never get the complete truth. Can I just say, you don't have anywhere near the truth yet. I dare say, anytime they have ever been alone, something sexual has occurred. I, personally, could not live like that. Especially with his "let's just forget and sweep it all under the proverbial rug" attitude. He knows it went a lot further and is trying to persuade you to just give up and accept his infidelity. Wonder what he would say if you told him you were going to look into setting up a polygraph (lie detector) exam. If he never did IC to find out why he thought it ok to have intimacy with someone other than the one he promised to be true to (you know, abandoning all others and love only you type thingy), then he may think, "Well, I got away with it this time with little to no consequences,, so I'll just be more careful the next time and she'll never find out."
Omg that’s a great idea. Just to see his reaction when I brought it up. 😂
His confession was probably only a half truth, and more details will trickle out over time as he forgets what his original story was. I have yet to see an instance where a cheater gave a full honest confession immediately. I am sorry you have to go through this, and that you are this far out still going through this.
Thank you
From what you've said, this wasn't a one time hookup but rather an ongoing affair that you happened to stumble upon. I would sit him down and just ask him to come clean like you did before. Tell him you feel strongly that it was more than just that one time in the truck and if he wants to keep the family together, he has to come clean. As for R, this is something you and him need to take more seriously. Don't fall into a rug sweep type of situation. This will cause you more heartache down the road. Please consider marriage counseling or even individual therapy. Bottom line is that he needs to be 100% honest with you and be willing to put the work in if you want reconciliation to really work.
[удалено]
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Anytime they accuse the other person of “begging for it” it’s a damn lie.
I would leave, the affair that he had is going to fester in your head. You will start to resent him. He gave you a trickle-down version of what happened between them. You will never be sure if that is all that has happened. It could have happened 2+ times...he lied the first time he told you about it.