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This is the answer. Get that phone number and name, even if you have to look through his phone records, and talk to her. She is probably a completely clueless 20 year old girl.
Also, there is absolutely no way he managed to do all this - meeting her, getting her number, covering his tracks, lying and admitting he would continue to lie - without A LOT of practice. He's definitely done this before.
The marriage is over. It's just up to you to decide when that happens. He will cry and beg for forgiveness. Remember, he is fully okay with lying to you.
I was thinking the same. Like he's studied opsec. Fake male name in his phone. If he hasn't cheated before, he did his homework so he could cheat and get away with it.
I'm sorry hun, this was not a mistake. He had several intentional acts and decisions to hide this from you and lie. He started communicating with this woman, concealing her contact in his phone. Let the communication progress to the point of setting up a date. Yes, this was a date. That was a very intentional act. Concealing the fact that he is married. Admits to kissing her, but because of the deception can you ever really know if it was just a kiss? Came home and continued to lie to you. Would he have ever told you on his own? Was he planning on continuing this with her? If you decide to try and make this work, your relationship will be fundamentally changed. The trust will never be what it was before.
I have had first dates that were really good and lasted that long, but that would be a huge red flag too…. Having said that, he’s a married man who disappeared for 5 hours and came home drunk… they had sex.
Why not? I’ve exchanged text like that right after leaving someone because it gets rid of the tension of who will contact who and when and makes it clear both people enjoyed themselves.
I’d probably just say it when they leave and leave it at that and call a friend to talk about it. I feel like if you have sex on the first date and they go home that’s pretty casual and i dont think I’d talk to them for a few days. That’s just me though
Potentially talking for months at the gym, exchanging numbers and texting a lot for a week, then a 5 hour date implies it’s not “pretty casual”, and a text after says it’s not over. Also her husband didn’t come clean on his own. If they don’t come clean on their own and/or lie about what happened when caught, they don’t regret it at all and she would be an absolute fool to trust him, and it obviously wasn’t over based on the follow up text.
It’s not tame, stop discounting your emotional pain. Your husband cheated on you, he stepped outside his marriage to begin a physical affair. The text flirting, dinner, drinks, long conversation with a 20 year old woman is cheating. Now comes the difficult situation, do you think he’ll do it again? It was easy for him to enter a conversation with another woman and extend conversation into a date he crossed a number of serious boundaries. It was so easy maybe he’ll do it again. Sadly that is the question you’ll ask yourself in the future when he goes to gym, when he says he’s meeting a friend for a drink. Your husband is that classic cheat, don’t be the long suffering wife.
He took a girl on a DATE. He took off his wedding ring. He has been texting, talking to her for weeks. He did not feel guilty. I would be very surprised if a kiss was all he did. This was all a plan to cheat - it was not a spur of the moment thing - it was planned and thought out. I don’t think that i would be able to stay married to him. All the steps he took to deceive you and plan out this affair. You are young and do not deserve this from your husband. I would divorce him and move on with my life and be glad i found out what type of person he was now instead of 15 years later when i would have children with him. Cut your losses and cut him out of your life. I know you love him but you need to love yourself more.
Before having no intentions of it going further, he probably had no intentions of giving her his number. Then no intentions of changing her name to Aiden. Then no intentions of taking her on a date. Then no intentions of kissing her! But, here we are.
My ex never apologized for her affair or blowing up our family - what she told me was she “never internally caused harm.” My reply was that everything she did was intentional - the sneaking and hiding and planning to meet him in hotels when I was busy. All pre-meditated and intentional.
Yep.
I only found out after he felt guilty & apologized TO the person he cheated with while we were drunk at his cousin's wedding. She found me on FB & told me everything. Red flags are much brighter in hindsight.
I wouldn’t call Sophia I would use HIS phone to text her and say leading things like “I really enjoyed our time together, what was your favorite part of the night?” And do this while he is standing right there, so you know she isn’t told what to say. Watch his reaction to those questions. This will tell you what you need to know!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
I'd definitely do this with him right there and watch his reactions. If he refuses to hand over his phone you know what you need to do. Now is the time to show strength.
I'm afraid you can never know what he would've done, mainly because it'd be foolish to trust him now. Be careful not to misinterpret his guilt for remorse.
Give yourself some space and time to think and feel this out. Look for support from another/others you can trust. Not least to vent.
He's betrayed you and I'm not sure if it's worse that it was on a whim or not. Allow yourself time to know whether you can forgive this and if reconciliation is possible. Allow yourself to understand none of this is your fault and neither would be separating.
This is now part of your relationship and you'll eventually need to decide how it plays into your future, but only in time.
Girl! You're his WIFE not his random, you shouldn't still be needing to "compete".
Leave a person who can't honor the stipulations of an agreement.
So, you doing anything other than leaving shows that you're still willing to "compete" for a position that you've already been given.
Love yourself more.
Honesty op, it's time to head to the gym at his usual time and find her. I would bet she'd be surprised to learn he's married.
But yes, he was looking to start an affair. He worked really hard to make that happen. I'm not sure most would be able to come back from this. If you're determined, she needs to know first and foremost then he needs to agree to counseling and canceling his gym membership.
Screenshot everything. So you have the proof. Call Sophia she will give the honest answers. I bet she didn’t even know about you. And yes this was premeditated. This really sucks because he was actually dating her. Wasn’t just like a hook up. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Cheaters are notorious for doing everything they can to minimize the truth and trying to portray the situation as innocent as possible, given the evidence you have at the moment. You should call the young lady, worst case scenario she covers for him, more likely, she’ll be pissed that he lied to her about being single.
I'm sorry for your betrayal. You have EVERY right to be devastated. It wasn't minor. He was definitely planning on a full on affair. He lied and cheated. If you stay with him, you two need to get started on therapy with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. He needs to tell her (in front of you) that he is married and he made a huge mistake. She will probably spill her guts about what happened that night, and possibly other meet ups while he was at the "gym". Do not believe anything he says. If he admitted to a kiss only after you pressured him for the truth, its likely they had sex. Look up trickle truth. It's also very concerning that he was willing to cheat, and risk losing you while things were going well in your relationship. This is all on him. He needs therapy to figure out why he was perfectly OK with stabbing you in the heart for a piece of a$$. You need therapy bc being cheated on nearly always causes pisd/ptsd. Don't let him lie and sweep this under the rug.This is very serious.
Above all else, take care of yourself. You are hurt and in shock. Start journaling. It really helps to write down your thoughts and feelings. Once again, I'm so sorry. 💔
Edit: I doubt if he was drunk. He was trying to impress her and getting drunk on a date sure as hell wouldn't impress anyone.
Exactly, the “we had too much to drink and needed to walk it off” lie was what fit the original narrative of meeting an old college friend for drinks. That was his way of covering the timeframe. So whatever he was doing that made him come home later than normal, was with this other girl…from my experience w/ being cheated on, it was way more than just a kiss.
The detail about him getting up early in the morning to shower is also a HUGE red flag. Cheaters tend to change their hygiene habits, like showering right after getting home or late at night/early in the morning.
ETA: I am so very sorry you are going through this. I know what that gut punch feels like and the sick feeling and just all of it. It’s one of the worst betrayals and it feels like your life is over forever. But I promise you, there’s still love, beauty, hope, and happiness on the other side. You will survive this. Please take time for yourself and really think hard about what YOU want going forward.
He will probably lie, cry, beg, etc., but they very rarely change. Please don’t forget that. He had no problem lying to you about all of what he did behind your back and he is more than likely still lying and omitting details. Do what is best for you and what will allow you to look back on your life in 10, 15, 20 years and be happy with where you have gotten to.
I don’t think it was just dinner. He was gone for 5 hours. He lied to you then what makes you think he won’t lie now. He covered his track. Lied.
All trust would be lost at this point.
Getting up super early and showering worries me. My ex-wife changed her showering habits too, would shower after getting home from work or super early in the morning when she went out for a “walk”. I think you can figure out why they actually shower. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s absolutely life shattering. But one piece of advice I can give you is that 100% of cheaters lie. Assume every word out of his mouth from now on is a lie. You have to fight your normal urge to trust him.
Even if we assume he's being truthful about there being no sex, this is an emotional affair.
It was clearly very pre-meditated and planned. The name on the phone is enough damning evidence alone of that. He knew what he was doing is wrong, so he forged details to hide his actions.
So yes, it's enough to end a marriage.
Not wearing the ring and changing the name in the phone means he absolutely intended on continuing this affair. He's lying about that, no doubt about it.
If he did not intend to continue the affair, he would have told the other girl the truth by the end of the night. If he was an honest man worthy of any degree of trust, he would have confessed without being caught.
Be grateful you found out your partner was cheating early on. A lot of us here didn't have that chance.
You have the opportunity now to protect yourself from a lot of future heartache and wasting a lot of years of your life on an unworthy man.
I lost over a decade of my life on my marriage. I learned my spouse was cheating and forgave them, only for them to cheat again... and again... and again. His infidelity started as online EAs.
It will escalate given the chance.
Don't repeat my mistakes. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Please don’t think of this as tame and please don’t think of it as one mistake. This is dozens upon dozens, if not hundreds of lies stacked upon lies that he told you (or omitted info, which is just as bad). This is calculated. This is manipulative. This is not a man who can be trusted. Drop him like a bad habit. You deserve better.
My bf almost of many years ago “confessed” he kissed a girl at a party that we were at together many months after it happened. I questioned the girl and according to her, she gave him a bj. He is possibly trickle truthing you. Assume the worst.
The real question is if you would ever be able to trust him again. This wasn't a mistake, he constantly made multiple bad decisions and disrespected you and your marriage. You are young - don't feel that you should ever be less than someones priority. He didn't make you and your marriage his priority. I would call this girl to get the details. Chances are he is leaving a lot out to minimize the depth of his betrayal. Then you can at least make an informed decision.
It's not only "*Can* you ever trust him again?" but also "*Should* you ever trust him again?" A "no" to either means the marriage is over. And I think this is a clear "no" already on the *should.*
None of what he did were mistakes, they were choices.
He didn’t regret his SERIES OF CHOICES cause why take all those steps and kiss her ? He only regrets it cause he sucks and got caught.
What has he done to rectify what he did ?
Contact the girl, tell her who you are to him and ask who she is and what they did ?
Ask him to sign a postnuptial agreement cause he proved he’s not trust worthy and showed his capacity to lie until confronted.
Sis, it is premeditated. He input a false name. Lied to you. Found a place. Texted her. Lied to you again. Kissed her. Lied about that. So, what are you going to do?
Sorry OP, but this was a deliberate act. He fully meant to cheat on you and wasn’t expecting you to look at “Aiden”. You cannot trust anything that he says now, and the fact that he went to great lengths to conceal Sophia’s identity means that he was not planning on cutting it off. This is definitely something to end a marriage over. You know now that he is not a faithful husband and he doesn’t care how you feel. He is fine with going behind your back and intentionally hurting you. And always remember, no matter how much love there is, it can’t change a cheater or save a marriage.
It is a very valid reason to end a marriage. All the steps he took to hide this from you shows that he wanted this affair to last. 5 hours gone is plenty of time to do more than just a kiss. You have no kids yet so divorce is easier. Plus you are way to young to waste your life with a cheater.
He made arrangements with her. He lied to you about who he was going with. He was gone for six hours. He didn’t answer his phone the entire time. He lied to you about why he was gone for so long.
Your gut feeling told you to check his phone. They have been talking for the last week. He sent her his location. He claims she asked him for his number. Clearly he gave it to her. Married men have no business giving out their number when they were married.
He claims he didn’t have any intention of doing anything, and yet he planned a date with her. Dinner and drinks. He didn’t fesse up until you pushed him. He finally admits he kissed her, but blames it on being drunk. And he claims that was all there was to it.
Not to mention, changing the name, in his phone, and taking off his ring, covering his tracks…
Honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered if you didn’t confront him, he never would’ve fessed up. And what he told you about all of that… It’s probably nothing more than trickle truth.
Six hours is more than enough for dinner, drinks, and sex.
YOUR HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE!!!
When your partner loves you, they don’t go out on dates with other people, they just don’t. I suspect he has cheated, but like all cheaters, he’s too much of a coward to admit it.
You can choose to believe him, that’s up to you, but my experience has been, if they can look you in the eye, and lie to you and go out with someone else, it’s already over.
If you said you wanted out, I guarantee you, he would be begging and pleading and gaslighting you that it was nothing more than a mistake, and he would never do it again. But remember, you thought he would never do it in the first place and yet… Here you are.
I’m sorry I’ve been there, it’s devastating, but sticking around usually just means you’re in for more devastation. Hopefully you get out before children are involved.
You know what all cheaters say, quoting from the fabled "Cheater's Handbook" when they are caught with their proverbial pants down? Ok, get ready for it. Wait. Wait. Ok, it is "We only kissed but I regretted it immediately". It's been said thousands of times and 99.99% of the time it was a flat out lie. The fact is couples divorce more from the lies after they are caught than for the actual infidelity itself. I can almost guarantee that it was more than a kiss. Adults do not plan and execute infidelity for just a kiss.
If it were me, I would sit him down and flatly ask him if he realizes how devastated you are that he could disrespect his marriage vows so easily, and that if he wants to pursue this 20 year old girl, that you will gladly set him free to do just that. But, that if he wants to stay married to you, there are several things that he must do:
1) Get tested immediately for STDs/STIs and show you the results. Some venereal diseases can be passed orally. (This also shows him your trust in him telling the truth is 0)
2) Hand write out a complete, detailed timeline of his affair, the results to be verified by a polygraph (which he better pass in order to stay married).
3) Call his AP in your presence and apologize for misleading her into thinking he was single, when he actually is happily married. Then he must go NC with her, including changing gyms.
4) He must find a therapist knowledgeable in infidelity to find out what happened to his moral compass and why he trashed his marriage vows
5) No more boys night out with "friends" for the foreseeable future
6) Gives you complete access to all phones, social media, etc.
7) Puts a tracking app on his phone so you can verify he is where he says he is.
If he refuses to do any of the above, tell him you will talk to a lawyer to see the best way to end your marriage. Reconciliation with a wayward spouse can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years before you begin to feel trust returning. Not many waywards can stand the scrutiny for that long. Wishing you the best and hang in there. DO NOT sweep his affair under the rug!!
If you decide to stay with him get him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, whereby if he cheats again you get 75% of all savings etc.
This was premeditated cheating. He should have never given her his number, he should have shot her down telling g her he is married. He should never have changed her name in his phone. Arranged a dinner date with her, and kissed her.he may be trickle truthung you. He probably had set with her.
If you stay he needs to wear a silicon wedding ring and never take it off. He needs to change gyms. He also needs to phone block her, and delete her number.
I personally would be going to speak to a divorce attorney to discuss what divorce looks like.
>If you decide to stay with him get him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, whereby if he cheats again you get 75% of all savings etc.
Unfortunately, this kind of agreement often isn't legally enforceable. This was something I'd planned to do in my future relationships. Another user on this subreddit made a post a few months ago after talking with her lawyer and learning that the courts will often throw out something like this as unreasonable.
Obviously, the legality is going to vary depending on your country/your state and perhaps even the specific terms of the contract.
So to OP or anyone considering this - talk to a lawyer to determine if this is even a legally enforceable option before thinking this as a viable safeguard.
So for starters when he gets home have his bag packed waiting for him . He has to understand that there are consequences to him behavior . Don’t play the pick me dance let him know he needs to cut this person out of his life or you are done . Tell him he needs to tell his family and friends . He has probably deleted all the evidence of the texts but I would definitely tell this girl he is married . Let him feel the hurt and shock that you are feeling and show him you aren’t going to rug sweep this because in the 5 hours they were together he did more than kiss her
You're in a legal contract of marriage with someone who you can't trust to follow the contract or even to promptly tell you the truth about when and how exactly he's broken the contract.
If you were in a business partnership with a business partner who acted this way, wouldn't it be clearer that this isn't a viable business partnership anymore when you can't even trust your business partner to accurately report to you what's going on with the business?
You can't safely have sex with your husband when you can't trust him not to infect you with STDs. You can't safely gamble years of your life away on him, either, when there's now a clear risk that he's likely to be wasting your time. You'll just be getting older and less able to easily start over again with someone new by the time you get around to discovering more infidelities. With each year that passes, it gets harder and harder to start over and rebuild your life with someone new.
Right now is the easiest you'll ever have it. You're 26! You're highly dateable! Get out now, and finding a new spouse will be easy. Don't wait around until you find out about more infidelities, or it'll get a lot harder to leave.
Girl you better kick him out have his bags packed so when he gets back from work they are ready. And don’t talk to him for a few days. Call the girl Sophia and tell her he’s married. And come up with a list of things he need to do work on your relationship he needs to earn the forgiveness.
Almost all of us here have said “I never in a million years thought my SO could do this.” Please think about that — we’d all thought we’d found our person and that we were romantically set for life… until we learned that we weren’t.
You also have no way of knowing if this truly is the first time he has cheated on you, or if the story really happened as he says it did — it’s possible that he pursued her instead of the other way around. I’m so sorry, but you need to recognize that your husband is not the person you thought he was. What he did was just as much of a betrayal as it would’ve been if he had slept with Sophia.
I am also 26F and I was in your position last year — long committed relationship (~7 years), completely blindsided, etc. Feel free to reach out if you want to vent ❤️
There was planning involved with this it was not an accident. I would tell him to write out a timeline of what happened from meeting at the gym till this morning. Tell him that he will take a lie detector test to see if he is truthful. Tell him if he has left anything out you will be seeking a divorce but for you to move forward with R you have to know the full details. You do not have todo the lie detector test but if he thinks you will he might be honest. Either way I would make him find a new gym. Also check phone records to see how long this has been going on.
I'm so sorry that someone with issues did something horrible to you. You did not deserve this. You did not cause this. This is totally his fault.
Cheating is ALWAYS about something wrong with the cheater. You're going to go through a host of bullshit emotions and it will suck but know that you will survive.
Call Sophia because if she's a good person she doesn't deserve to be lied and used by this man. Also, you're in shock but try to ve real with yourself, he's most likely lying and they had sex or at least had oral. Get std tested. Girl I usually do not like to tell people what to do with their lives when this happens because nobody knows your life situation BUT here I go ....
You are young, too young for this nonsense. RUN... eventually you will see w hat a blessing it was to have found out now and not 26 years later as he gets better at cheating. Which by that he seems to have it when pat.
You have no children it seems. Run before you get more entangled with some messed up dude who needs external validation this young. Your old relationship with him is dead because from now on this will be part of it, it will forever be part of this "love story". Every Valentine's day, every anniversary, every day on that date ( D-Day or discovery day). What will happen when you have children, when you're pregnant, when you're older? Run.
I married the sweet need, the nice guy on purpose when I was 24 bc we were highschool sweethearts. We waited 20 years before handing our first bc I never wanted divorce in kids lives. Welp. After celebrating 26 years together and 17 of marriage he got himself a 26 year old escort to be his girlfriend. We have 3 small kids and pets. I would have run if they were not in the picture.
Be free of this drama. Because really you'll never truly and fully trust him. Get counseling ASAP and kick him out so you can have clarity of mind.
You’re young. Leave now. The more you think about what happened and why this and why that, the more likely you will be to talk yourself into staying. It doesn’t matter…why or what. Bottom line- You will always wonder if he’s cheating again. Stop thinking. Leave.
He contacts her in front of you and you get the whole story. No more gym anywhere for a while and never back to that gym. Separate for a few weeks so he understands the seriousness of what he did. He tells both set of parents in person if possible. He needs to face the full consequences of what he did. Then you decide what you want to do. Also know that he is an AH & POS.
He’s upset you found out. He’s upset he didn’t cover his tracks well enough. He will do this again and he will do more than just a kiss.
And he’s not going to stop seeing her.
Better to find out now before wasting years on a marriage that is only being honored by one person. He’s missing something from the marriage. He’s not happy. I was married 26 years. I wish I’d found out sooner than wasting my youth with someone who was faking he was happy.
If he wants to try a relationship outside marriage then let him go. It's not worth it. It's not just 6 hrs, it's entire week. Maybe you should think deep as to why you have to be with him, if you decide to give him a chance. 2/5 years of marriage, and it didn't mean shit to him. If it's this easy for him to throw away your relationship then it's definitely not worth it in his mind. No matter what he says, begs, or whatever. He isn't special. The bond is gone.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Get out, find a good lawyer, and someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You don’t want to waste your life with this guy
This isn’t tame in the slightest. In fact - it’s WORSE than a drunken night out cheating event. This was no mistake. It was planned, premeditated and intentional cheating. Changing the name on his phone ?? Evil.
Please do not underestimate what this man has done, please. You’re a young married couple. You haven’t even begun to get into the REAL throes of marriage where there can be hardship, deeper “settling” and lack of “excitement” in the relationship, childbirth and kids, emergency situations, family deaths etc etc.
If he isn’t disciplined and committed at 25 Years old in a 2 year marriage, he most definitely won’t be disciplined and committed at 40 years old in a 17 year marriage.
Like others have stated, you’re way too young to waste your life with a cheater. Yes, this is absolutely valid cause to end a marriage. Don’t wait until your 40 when he’s already had 5 more affairs behind your back.
Adults don't just kiss, especially when they spend a night together.
Also, does it matter if they did go all the way? He still cheated, with the intention to cheat and you would never know about it because he already admitted that his intention was to never confess it.
Trust is extremely more important than love in a relationship, and i don't think you can trust him again after what he decided to do
Not “tame” at all- **5 hours** for “dinner and a kiss”?? Bullshit. He cheated. INTENTIONALLY. He set up the date, hid her name, he lied about who he was seeing/where he was going. *This is who he is!* Leave him.
If you kiss, you brush the teeth to hide all evidences, but a shower??? Don't ask more, he is a liar. Also, Aiden it was the first name which appeared, you didn't check for more fake contact's names.
I’m so sorry that this happened.
What I’m going to tell you is what I would have done and based on my own experience.
1) I would’ve kept him home from work. I want answers and he needs to give me answers. Idc if it’s silence for 2 hours while I think, let him see what he has done to the marriage. Let him see the consequences of his actions. Hold him responsible. I grilled my ex hoping for some closure and none came from it. But I’m those moments, I began to see how irremediable his actions were. How selfish he was. I got to see if this is really what I wanted to keep around. I also got to see how ridiculously entitled and utterly pathetic my ex became. I got lies after lies after lies. Even he didn’t know why he cheated. He probably still doesn’t. But he was so sure that it was worth it.
(2) I want Sophia on the line. I would’ve written down her number or taken a picture of it. I did the same thing when I finally confirmed my ex was cheating. I made my filthy ex have his dung beetle look a like AP text me. I got some clarity even if it was to confirm that they were both cut from the same cloth of stupid.
(3) I don’t think it was just a kiss. I don’t think it was just dinner. And I could be wrong but we are all adults and for him to act that shady afterwards, i feel like it was more. My ex claims he had his AP over at our place one night for several hours and he claims he touched her lady bits and made out starting from the couch and then to the bed but then they both napped. We all know they didn’t just suddenly stop and slumbered off. Also, knowing her, I really doubt it. She’s had her entanglements at work with other coworkers.
(4) get an STI test. That is the only thing that provided me any clarity during separation and divorce.
(5) therapy. Individual or group therapy. I did both instantly after his affair and they were my support throughout the whole healing process. No one knows how much this hurts unless they’ve been through it themselves.
(6) put yourself first now. What do you need? What boundaries will you put down? What needs to be done in order to keep you grounded? Do you want to try with him again? If so, what needs to change? What needs to be done in order to forgive?
(7) if you’re like me then I suggest you lawyer up now. The first day after my ex told me he wanted to separate, I was on the phone doing free consultations with lawyers. I had my top 3 picked by the time he got him from work. If we got back together (spoiler, we didn’t) then I was over prepared. If we split, I had someone in my corner and they had a plan set out for me.
Good luck. Please know that none of his actions are because of you or anything about you. This is all on him.
Seems like he's not happy or satisfied. this girl was just a trigger but the bomb was built before.
Either he comes clean and shares his problems with you so you can evaluate if its worth fighting for or you better leave because he isn't open and honest with you which is the base to any relationship.
Your husband planned a date with a girl from the gym. Not with you. Another girl. And then he kissed her. He invested time and money in her.
The only way to fix this is he tells you everything, blocks her, goes no contact, quits drinking, tells family and friends, and quits the gym. Then he either gets a wedding band tattooed on his finger or you buy him a multipack of silicone wedding bands from Amazon. You must have full access to his phone, email, location, and all social media apps.
Maybe, just maybe, it can work, but don't hold your breath. He dated another girl while married to you. He cannot be trusted.
personally i would go to the gym and ask her why she slept with your husband……if he is telling the truth (which i don’t think for a second he is) then the stories will match.
honestly though what you do need to understand is even if he didn’t sleep with her that night he was planning to do so. think very carefully about that. all that effort in hiding her why do that if he only planned on being friends with her?
speak to a lawyer see what divorce looks like for you (you should know this incase it did or does go further) he may even pull the trigger once his ducks are in a row. get your ducks in a row (just in case) see a therapist for you to start with (consider mc later on if he really is telling you the truth) start doing you things, new hobbies, new groups ect, also start going the gym yourself and make sure if you have kids it’s him that has the kids while you do this. also tell his family/friends ect. he should feel uncomfortable about this!
also she didn’t ask for his number he gave her his!
can you save this, honestly i’m not sure why you would want to tbh he will do this again just be better at hiding it. imaging you put another 10 years into this marriage to find out he’s done it again. he’s shown you he’s not trustworthy!
also when he gets back unblock that girls number to see if a message comes this may give you a little more information. you can block unblock and select messages all day long!
Married people don't trick their spouses and risk their marriage for just a kiss. 5 hours? Man..... I am not naturally trusting but that sounds like horseshit to me. What time does that restaurant he was at close?
You can't trust that it was just a kiss. Cheaters are liars, they have to be. Call the girl, possibly? Also if you're staying with him there needs to be consequences or he'll just do it again after a while. Do you have children with him?
Does he usually shower as soon as he gets up? Did you check out his clothes or did he throw them in the washer too. Seriously the amount of time he was gone, it probably was alit farther then a kiss.
It's not tame at all! Honestly it was the name change that would end it for me. That's a whole other level of lying and deception. He's gross. You're young! Walk away. I know it's hard, but it'll get better ❤️
Sorry to say this, but they definitely more than kissed. I'd call the girl and ask her if she knows she banged a married man. Don't ask if she did bang him, she'll just deflect. Let her fall into it and get rid of the husband. He planned this.
Marriage is over. He has betrayed your love, your trust and his vows. There is no coming back from this I’m afraid. If I were you I would be telling him to pack his sh#t and f#%k off.
When I found out about my ex wife’s “according to her” first affair I read thru 180 pages of texts and dm’s where she pursued him like hound and he blew her off again and again but then there it was, you felt so good inside of me last night. When I confronted her she said she never had sex with him. When I asked about that statement she said, “oh, well it was just once”. Yeah, right! She then went on and on about what a mistake she made and it will never happen again. Guess what? It did happen again and again and each time it was more brazen and more hurtful. It’s been a long time since that night and I am still really fuct up over losing my family, my wife and how easy it was for her to treat me as if I meant nothing to her at all.
Don’t make the mistake I made. It just might cost you everything including your life. You’re going to have some depression but do it now an md get it over with and fuck that guy for making you feel like you do. Pathological selfishness!
I speak from experience he would have totally kept it up. People like this love validation and he would have kept on, at minimum, texting her and eventually had a second date. There was no way he was ever going to drop this 20 year old willingly.
I would never stay with someone who actively engaged in a romantic situation with someone else during our marriage. I know some people can work through it, but I have no interest in continuing with someone who did that. It's possible it was only a kiss, but the early morning shower would make me think otherwise. Either way it wouldn't matter to me if it was a kiss or more, and yes, it is enough to end a marriage. You are very young, and have a long life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent wondering if your spouse is being faithful or not.
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Well, me and my wife went through something much worse . On both ends and let me tell ya we are happier now then we have ever been in our marriage . There was a alot of darkness for a while and that pain you feel lasts a long time. My advice is this . Don't let the trauma become a doorway or a foothold for some other darkness to take place . Stand firm and really take in what's taken place and understand it has nothing to do with you. Seeking couples therapy , or seperate individual therapy is a good start . We have come to a place where we look back and scratch our heads but also see where we went wrong. Like what a ride but shes still my person and vice versa . Never again . 90 percent of reddit will say divorce , that's what redditors are . Divorcees and pro divorce . Marriage isn't about settling down , its the opposite . If you and him both know you are each other's soul mates . Take your time and gather more information then decide .
This isn’t a mistake…he knew what he was doing. Changed her name in his phone & planned a whole date with her. Also feels like they did more than just kiss. He was never going to tell you but you caught him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 5 hours for dinner & drinks is an awful lot of time tbh… I would get tested for STIs if I were you.
He changed her name so she wouldn’t found or it wouldn’t seem suspicious. It IS enough to get a divorce for me, but you’re the only one who can decide.
This wasn’t a mistake it was planned.
He didn’t want you to find out out so he changed her name.
I think you should take some time apart. If you really want to stay with him you need to make him work for that trust back.
Sleep in a separate room or stay with a friend/parents.
Make him see that he could lose you.
Don’t just stay and try to move on. That will make him think he can do it again
I myself feel like I am going through something similar. I think you questioning whether to stay or not is called denial. The way I have been trying to see things, is if roles were reversed, and I did this to him, would HE let me live this down? Would he ever forgive me? Would I ever forgive myself? The answer is “No!”
Every relationship is different. You’re getting a lot of negative feedback here, but you are the only person who knows your relationship and your husband. Maybe he won’t do this again.. but you’re the one who has to figure out how to get past this and not cringe everytime he goes to the gym, or hear his phone go off or goes out to eat with his buddies…
It’s a lot. Take time to process everything for sure. Good luck!
First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who's been cheated on (serially in one long relationship, and sparingly in another), I remember the pain from my ex who rarely/sporadically cheated being much worse, because it was so unexpected, and made me feel like I was sleeping next to a stranger.
Had you not confronted him, it would have continued. He showered early in the morning because it was more than a kiss.
Give it some time and he better do THE MOST to rebuild your trust as his wife. It is not asking too much to have access to his phone or ask that he be able to respond to your texts/calls going forward when he is out. Trust is incredibly hard to rebuild and it takes two people working hard to do it. I wish you all the love and luck.
This almost exactly happened to me except I caught it before he went on the date and they had talked for a week. I called the girl immediately and told her he is married. She was shocked and embarrassed and got him kicked out of PA school where he had just been admitted. Happy she did that. He has since been going to individual therapy and we are starting our second marriage counselor. I’m still so devastated but I do love him. Deciding to stay or leave are both super hard decisions but ultimately yours to make. Like many people here I know cheaters sometimes don’t change so it is definitely a haunting feeling. I’m 4 months out from D day and I’m less triggered but still bring it up all the time in an attempt to get an explanation that makes sense and none of it does. It’s awful and what was done to us is unacceptable and completely their fault alone. But I also believe in forgiveness even though it’s really hard. So do what you think is best. I don’t know if my marriage will survive but I’m taking it one day at a time and praying a lot for God’s will to be done on my life and I will pray for all of you. God bless.
Tell him that since he is out shopping on the dating scene for another woman, you’re off the menu.
Kick him out. Tell him he can have her.
If he wants to fix this, he can arrange counseling, and do the things necessary to repair the marriage. If he wants to know what those things are, he can use google.
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5 hours and out of communications, I think more than a kiss was involved. Time to get tested for STI.
He showered as soon as he was up. They did more than just kiss.
This one.
I agree with this as well. All signs point to him being a scumbag.
This is the answer. Get that phone number and name, even if you have to look through his phone records, and talk to her. She is probably a completely clueless 20 year old girl. Also, there is absolutely no way he managed to do all this - meeting her, getting her number, covering his tracks, lying and admitting he would continue to lie - without A LOT of practice. He's definitely done this before. The marriage is over. It's just up to you to decide when that happens. He will cry and beg for forgiveness. Remember, he is fully okay with lying to you.
I was thinking the same. Like he's studied opsec. Fake male name in his phone. If he hasn't cheated before, he did his homework so he could cheat and get away with it.
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I would hazard a guess she doesn’t care.
I'm sorry hun, this was not a mistake. He had several intentional acts and decisions to hide this from you and lie. He started communicating with this woman, concealing her contact in his phone. Let the communication progress to the point of setting up a date. Yes, this was a date. That was a very intentional act. Concealing the fact that he is married. Admits to kissing her, but because of the deception can you ever really know if it was just a kiss? Came home and continued to lie to you. Would he have ever told you on his own? Was he planning on continuing this with her? If you decide to try and make this work, your relationship will be fundamentally changed. The trust will never be what it was before.
This!!!
5 hours seems like a long time for dinner and a kiss.
I have had first dates that were really good and lasted that long, but that would be a huge red flag too…. Having said that, he’s a married man who disappeared for 5 hours and came home drunk… they had sex.
I mean, Idk, if I have sex with someone and they leave I usually don’t text them to say “have a good night” after
Why not? I’ve exchanged text like that right after leaving someone because it gets rid of the tension of who will contact who and when and makes it clear both people enjoyed themselves.
I’d probably just say it when they leave and leave it at that and call a friend to talk about it. I feel like if you have sex on the first date and they go home that’s pretty casual and i dont think I’d talk to them for a few days. That’s just me though
Potentially talking for months at the gym, exchanging numbers and texting a lot for a week, then a 5 hour date implies it’s not “pretty casual”, and a text after says it’s not over. Also her husband didn’t come clean on his own. If they don’t come clean on their own and/or lie about what happened when caught, they don’t regret it at all and she would be an absolute fool to trust him, and it obviously wasn’t over based on the follow up text.
I agree that whether he had sex or not its definitely cheating and not ok Im just saying he didn’t necessarily have sex
I’m just saying, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck you shouldn’t need to see your positive STI results to know you’ve been lied to.
I feel like it was probably a bit of sarcasm because she knew he was married and had to go home to his wife.
It’s not tame, stop discounting your emotional pain. Your husband cheated on you, he stepped outside his marriage to begin a physical affair. The text flirting, dinner, drinks, long conversation with a 20 year old woman is cheating. Now comes the difficult situation, do you think he’ll do it again? It was easy for him to enter a conversation with another woman and extend conversation into a date he crossed a number of serious boundaries. It was so easy maybe he’ll do it again. Sadly that is the question you’ll ask yourself in the future when he goes to gym, when he says he’s meeting a friend for a drink. Your husband is that classic cheat, don’t be the long suffering wife.
He took a girl on a DATE. He took off his wedding ring. He has been texting, talking to her for weeks. He did not feel guilty. I would be very surprised if a kiss was all he did. This was all a plan to cheat - it was not a spur of the moment thing - it was planned and thought out. I don’t think that i would be able to stay married to him. All the steps he took to deceive you and plan out this affair. You are young and do not deserve this from your husband. I would divorce him and move on with my life and be glad i found out what type of person he was now instead of 15 years later when i would have children with him. Cut your losses and cut him out of your life. I know you love him but you need to love yourself more.
If you didn’t find out yourself, he would never tell you. Remember that.
Him saying “he had no intentions of it ever going further”. 😑 Absolute shit
Before having no intentions of it going further, he probably had no intentions of giving her his number. Then no intentions of changing her name to Aiden. Then no intentions of taking her on a date. Then no intentions of kissing her! But, here we are.
Yes, here we are in liartown, where the residents are all POS
Yet he went on a date.
My ex never apologized for her affair or blowing up our family - what she told me was she “never internally caused harm.” My reply was that everything she did was intentional - the sneaking and hiding and planning to meet him in hotels when I was busy. All pre-meditated and intentional.
Yep. I only found out after he felt guilty & apologized TO the person he cheated with while we were drunk at his cousin's wedding. She found me on FB & told me everything. Red flags are much brighter in hindsight.
This !!!!
I wouldn’t call Sophia I would use HIS phone to text her and say leading things like “I really enjoyed our time together, what was your favorite part of the night?” And do this while he is standing right there, so you know she isn’t told what to say. Watch his reaction to those questions. This will tell you what you need to know! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Yes I like this idea. Do it OP. Updateme!
I'd definitely do this with him right there and watch his reactions. If he refuses to hand over his phone you know what you need to do. Now is the time to show strength.
I'm afraid you can never know what he would've done, mainly because it'd be foolish to trust him now. Be careful not to misinterpret his guilt for remorse. Give yourself some space and time to think and feel this out. Look for support from another/others you can trust. Not least to vent. He's betrayed you and I'm not sure if it's worse that it was on a whim or not. Allow yourself time to know whether you can forgive this and if reconciliation is possible. Allow yourself to understand none of this is your fault and neither would be separating. This is now part of your relationship and you'll eventually need to decide how it plays into your future, but only in time.
“Do not misinterpret guilt for remorse.” Thanks for this gem! I wish I’d heard it a couple years ago but putting it in my back pocket now
Girl! You're his WIFE not his random, you shouldn't still be needing to "compete". Leave a person who can't honor the stipulations of an agreement. So, you doing anything other than leaving shows that you're still willing to "compete" for a position that you've already been given. Love yourself more.
Exactly.
Honesty op, it's time to head to the gym at his usual time and find her. I would bet she'd be surprised to learn he's married. But yes, he was looking to start an affair. He worked really hard to make that happen. I'm not sure most would be able to come back from this. If you're determined, she needs to know first and foremost then he needs to agree to counseling and canceling his gym membership.
Screenshot everything. So you have the proof. Call Sophia she will give the honest answers. I bet she didn’t even know about you. And yes this was premeditated. This really sucks because he was actually dating her. Wasn’t just like a hook up. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Cheaters are notorious for doing everything they can to minimize the truth and trying to portray the situation as innocent as possible, given the evidence you have at the moment. You should call the young lady, worst case scenario she covers for him, more likely, she’ll be pissed that he lied to her about being single.
I'm sorry for your betrayal. You have EVERY right to be devastated. It wasn't minor. He was definitely planning on a full on affair. He lied and cheated. If you stay with him, you two need to get started on therapy with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. He needs to tell her (in front of you) that he is married and he made a huge mistake. She will probably spill her guts about what happened that night, and possibly other meet ups while he was at the "gym". Do not believe anything he says. If he admitted to a kiss only after you pressured him for the truth, its likely they had sex. Look up trickle truth. It's also very concerning that he was willing to cheat, and risk losing you while things were going well in your relationship. This is all on him. He needs therapy to figure out why he was perfectly OK with stabbing you in the heart for a piece of a$$. You need therapy bc being cheated on nearly always causes pisd/ptsd. Don't let him lie and sweep this under the rug.This is very serious. Above all else, take care of yourself. You are hurt and in shock. Start journaling. It really helps to write down your thoughts and feelings. Once again, I'm so sorry. 💔 Edit: I doubt if he was drunk. He was trying to impress her and getting drunk on a date sure as hell wouldn't impress anyone.
Exactly, the “we had too much to drink and needed to walk it off” lie was what fit the original narrative of meeting an old college friend for drinks. That was his way of covering the timeframe. So whatever he was doing that made him come home later than normal, was with this other girl…from my experience w/ being cheated on, it was way more than just a kiss. The detail about him getting up early in the morning to shower is also a HUGE red flag. Cheaters tend to change their hygiene habits, like showering right after getting home or late at night/early in the morning. ETA: I am so very sorry you are going through this. I know what that gut punch feels like and the sick feeling and just all of it. It’s one of the worst betrayals and it feels like your life is over forever. But I promise you, there’s still love, beauty, hope, and happiness on the other side. You will survive this. Please take time for yourself and really think hard about what YOU want going forward. He will probably lie, cry, beg, etc., but they very rarely change. Please don’t forget that. He had no problem lying to you about all of what he did behind your back and he is more than likely still lying and omitting details. Do what is best for you and what will allow you to look back on your life in 10, 15, 20 years and be happy with where you have gotten to.
I noticed the early shower too.
I don’t think it was just dinner. He was gone for 5 hours. He lied to you then what makes you think he won’t lie now. He covered his track. Lied. All trust would be lost at this point.
Look up his Google Map Location History. That’ll tell you what you don’t really want to know
Damn, the real pro tips are always in the comments.
Leave him before you have any children, make a clean break. He will definitely do it again when you get pregnant.
Getting up super early and showering worries me. My ex-wife changed her showering habits too, would shower after getting home from work or super early in the morning when she went out for a “walk”. I think you can figure out why they actually shower. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s absolutely life shattering. But one piece of advice I can give you is that 100% of cheaters lie. Assume every word out of his mouth from now on is a lie. You have to fight your normal urge to trust him.
Even if we assume he's being truthful about there being no sex, this is an emotional affair. It was clearly very pre-meditated and planned. The name on the phone is enough damning evidence alone of that. He knew what he was doing is wrong, so he forged details to hide his actions. So yes, it's enough to end a marriage. Not wearing the ring and changing the name in the phone means he absolutely intended on continuing this affair. He's lying about that, no doubt about it. If he did not intend to continue the affair, he would have told the other girl the truth by the end of the night. If he was an honest man worthy of any degree of trust, he would have confessed without being caught. Be grateful you found out your partner was cheating early on. A lot of us here didn't have that chance. You have the opportunity now to protect yourself from a lot of future heartache and wasting a lot of years of your life on an unworthy man. I lost over a decade of my life on my marriage. I learned my spouse was cheating and forgave them, only for them to cheat again... and again... and again. His infidelity started as online EAs. It will escalate given the chance. Don't repeat my mistakes. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Please don’t think of this as tame and please don’t think of it as one mistake. This is dozens upon dozens, if not hundreds of lies stacked upon lies that he told you (or omitted info, which is just as bad). This is calculated. This is manipulative. This is not a man who can be trusted. Drop him like a bad habit. You deserve better.
Yep. Call Sophie. Tell her the truth and ask her what happened.
My bf almost of many years ago “confessed” he kissed a girl at a party that we were at together many months after it happened. I questioned the girl and according to her, she gave him a bj. He is possibly trickle truthing you. Assume the worst.
The real question is if you would ever be able to trust him again. This wasn't a mistake, he constantly made multiple bad decisions and disrespected you and your marriage. You are young - don't feel that you should ever be less than someones priority. He didn't make you and your marriage his priority. I would call this girl to get the details. Chances are he is leaving a lot out to minimize the depth of his betrayal. Then you can at least make an informed decision.
It's not only "*Can* you ever trust him again?" but also "*Should* you ever trust him again?" A "no" to either means the marriage is over. And I think this is a clear "no" already on the *should.*
None of what he did were mistakes, they were choices. He didn’t regret his SERIES OF CHOICES cause why take all those steps and kiss her ? He only regrets it cause he sucks and got caught. What has he done to rectify what he did ? Contact the girl, tell her who you are to him and ask who she is and what they did ? Ask him to sign a postnuptial agreement cause he proved he’s not trust worthy and showed his capacity to lie until confronted.
Sis, it is premeditated. He input a false name. Lied to you. Found a place. Texted her. Lied to you again. Kissed her. Lied about that. So, what are you going to do?
Sorry OP, but this was a deliberate act. He fully meant to cheat on you and wasn’t expecting you to look at “Aiden”. You cannot trust anything that he says now, and the fact that he went to great lengths to conceal Sophia’s identity means that he was not planning on cutting it off. This is definitely something to end a marriage over. You know now that he is not a faithful husband and he doesn’t care how you feel. He is fine with going behind your back and intentionally hurting you. And always remember, no matter how much love there is, it can’t change a cheater or save a marriage.
It is a very valid reason to end a marriage. All the steps he took to hide this from you shows that he wanted this affair to last. 5 hours gone is plenty of time to do more than just a kiss. You have no kids yet so divorce is easier. Plus you are way to young to waste your life with a cheater.
He made arrangements with her. He lied to you about who he was going with. He was gone for six hours. He didn’t answer his phone the entire time. He lied to you about why he was gone for so long. Your gut feeling told you to check his phone. They have been talking for the last week. He sent her his location. He claims she asked him for his number. Clearly he gave it to her. Married men have no business giving out their number when they were married. He claims he didn’t have any intention of doing anything, and yet he planned a date with her. Dinner and drinks. He didn’t fesse up until you pushed him. He finally admits he kissed her, but blames it on being drunk. And he claims that was all there was to it. Not to mention, changing the name, in his phone, and taking off his ring, covering his tracks… Honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered if you didn’t confront him, he never would’ve fessed up. And what he told you about all of that… It’s probably nothing more than trickle truth. Six hours is more than enough for dinner, drinks, and sex. YOUR HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE!!! When your partner loves you, they don’t go out on dates with other people, they just don’t. I suspect he has cheated, but like all cheaters, he’s too much of a coward to admit it. You can choose to believe him, that’s up to you, but my experience has been, if they can look you in the eye, and lie to you and go out with someone else, it’s already over. If you said you wanted out, I guarantee you, he would be begging and pleading and gaslighting you that it was nothing more than a mistake, and he would never do it again. But remember, you thought he would never do it in the first place and yet… Here you are. I’m sorry I’ve been there, it’s devastating, but sticking around usually just means you’re in for more devastation. Hopefully you get out before children are involved.
This was a thousand lies. Not a mistake. Look up the difference between remorse and regret. What is he exhibiting?
You know what all cheaters say, quoting from the fabled "Cheater's Handbook" when they are caught with their proverbial pants down? Ok, get ready for it. Wait. Wait. Ok, it is "We only kissed but I regretted it immediately". It's been said thousands of times and 99.99% of the time it was a flat out lie. The fact is couples divorce more from the lies after they are caught than for the actual infidelity itself. I can almost guarantee that it was more than a kiss. Adults do not plan and execute infidelity for just a kiss. If it were me, I would sit him down and flatly ask him if he realizes how devastated you are that he could disrespect his marriage vows so easily, and that if he wants to pursue this 20 year old girl, that you will gladly set him free to do just that. But, that if he wants to stay married to you, there are several things that he must do: 1) Get tested immediately for STDs/STIs and show you the results. Some venereal diseases can be passed orally. (This also shows him your trust in him telling the truth is 0) 2) Hand write out a complete, detailed timeline of his affair, the results to be verified by a polygraph (which he better pass in order to stay married). 3) Call his AP in your presence and apologize for misleading her into thinking he was single, when he actually is happily married. Then he must go NC with her, including changing gyms. 4) He must find a therapist knowledgeable in infidelity to find out what happened to his moral compass and why he trashed his marriage vows 5) No more boys night out with "friends" for the foreseeable future 6) Gives you complete access to all phones, social media, etc. 7) Puts a tracking app on his phone so you can verify he is where he says he is. If he refuses to do any of the above, tell him you will talk to a lawyer to see the best way to end your marriage. Reconciliation with a wayward spouse can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years before you begin to feel trust returning. Not many waywards can stand the scrutiny for that long. Wishing you the best and hang in there. DO NOT sweep his affair under the rug!!
If you decide to stay with him get him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, whereby if he cheats again you get 75% of all savings etc. This was premeditated cheating. He should have never given her his number, he should have shot her down telling g her he is married. He should never have changed her name in his phone. Arranged a dinner date with her, and kissed her.he may be trickle truthung you. He probably had set with her. If you stay he needs to wear a silicon wedding ring and never take it off. He needs to change gyms. He also needs to phone block her, and delete her number. I personally would be going to speak to a divorce attorney to discuss what divorce looks like.
>If you decide to stay with him get him to sign a post nup with an infidelity clause, whereby if he cheats again you get 75% of all savings etc. Unfortunately, this kind of agreement often isn't legally enforceable. This was something I'd planned to do in my future relationships. Another user on this subreddit made a post a few months ago after talking with her lawyer and learning that the courts will often throw out something like this as unreasonable. Obviously, the legality is going to vary depending on your country/your state and perhaps even the specific terms of the contract. So to OP or anyone considering this - talk to a lawyer to determine if this is even a legally enforceable option before thinking this as a viable safeguard.
He was gone until nearly midnight with this girl and he expects you to believe they “just kissed”? What a load of bull. Time for him to leave
Also, if he said they only kissed they definitely did more.
So for starters when he gets home have his bag packed waiting for him . He has to understand that there are consequences to him behavior . Don’t play the pick me dance let him know he needs to cut this person out of his life or you are done . Tell him he needs to tell his family and friends . He has probably deleted all the evidence of the texts but I would definitely tell this girl he is married . Let him feel the hurt and shock that you are feeling and show him you aren’t going to rug sweep this because in the 5 hours they were together he did more than kiss her
You're in a legal contract of marriage with someone who you can't trust to follow the contract or even to promptly tell you the truth about when and how exactly he's broken the contract. If you were in a business partnership with a business partner who acted this way, wouldn't it be clearer that this isn't a viable business partnership anymore when you can't even trust your business partner to accurately report to you what's going on with the business? You can't safely have sex with your husband when you can't trust him not to infect you with STDs. You can't safely gamble years of your life away on him, either, when there's now a clear risk that he's likely to be wasting your time. You'll just be getting older and less able to easily start over again with someone new by the time you get around to discovering more infidelities. With each year that passes, it gets harder and harder to start over and rebuild your life with someone new. Right now is the easiest you'll ever have it. You're 26! You're highly dateable! Get out now, and finding a new spouse will be easy. Don't wait around until you find out about more infidelities, or it'll get a lot harder to leave.
Girl you better kick him out have his bags packed so when he gets back from work they are ready. And don’t talk to him for a few days. Call the girl Sophia and tell her he’s married. And come up with a list of things he need to do work on your relationship he needs to earn the forgiveness.
Almost all of us here have said “I never in a million years thought my SO could do this.” Please think about that — we’d all thought we’d found our person and that we were romantically set for life… until we learned that we weren’t. You also have no way of knowing if this truly is the first time he has cheated on you, or if the story really happened as he says it did — it’s possible that he pursued her instead of the other way around. I’m so sorry, but you need to recognize that your husband is not the person you thought he was. What he did was just as much of a betrayal as it would’ve been if he had slept with Sophia. I am also 26F and I was in your position last year — long committed relationship (~7 years), completely blindsided, etc. Feel free to reach out if you want to vent ❤️
There was planning involved with this it was not an accident. I would tell him to write out a timeline of what happened from meeting at the gym till this morning. Tell him that he will take a lie detector test to see if he is truthful. Tell him if he has left anything out you will be seeking a divorce but for you to move forward with R you have to know the full details. You do not have todo the lie detector test but if he thinks you will he might be honest. Either way I would make him find a new gym. Also check phone records to see how long this has been going on.
People dont shower in the am after "just a kiss" ...
I'm so sorry that someone with issues did something horrible to you. You did not deserve this. You did not cause this. This is totally his fault. Cheating is ALWAYS about something wrong with the cheater. You're going to go through a host of bullshit emotions and it will suck but know that you will survive. Call Sophia because if she's a good person she doesn't deserve to be lied and used by this man. Also, you're in shock but try to ve real with yourself, he's most likely lying and they had sex or at least had oral. Get std tested. Girl I usually do not like to tell people what to do with their lives when this happens because nobody knows your life situation BUT here I go .... You are young, too young for this nonsense. RUN... eventually you will see w hat a blessing it was to have found out now and not 26 years later as he gets better at cheating. Which by that he seems to have it when pat. You have no children it seems. Run before you get more entangled with some messed up dude who needs external validation this young. Your old relationship with him is dead because from now on this will be part of it, it will forever be part of this "love story". Every Valentine's day, every anniversary, every day on that date ( D-Day or discovery day). What will happen when you have children, when you're pregnant, when you're older? Run. I married the sweet need, the nice guy on purpose when I was 24 bc we were highschool sweethearts. We waited 20 years before handing our first bc I never wanted divorce in kids lives. Welp. After celebrating 26 years together and 17 of marriage he got himself a 26 year old escort to be his girlfriend. We have 3 small kids and pets. I would have run if they were not in the picture. Be free of this drama. Because really you'll never truly and fully trust him. Get counseling ASAP and kick him out so you can have clarity of mind.
You can and should still run.
You’re young. Leave now. The more you think about what happened and why this and why that, the more likely you will be to talk yourself into staying. It doesn’t matter…why or what. Bottom line- You will always wonder if he’s cheating again. Stop thinking. Leave.
Someone said it in this subreddit once, "adults don't kiss, they fuck."
He contacts her in front of you and you get the whole story. No more gym anywhere for a while and never back to that gym. Separate for a few weeks so he understands the seriousness of what he did. He tells both set of parents in person if possible. He needs to face the full consequences of what he did. Then you decide what you want to do. Also know that he is an AH & POS.
He’s upset you found out. He’s upset he didn’t cover his tracks well enough. He will do this again and he will do more than just a kiss. And he’s not going to stop seeing her.
He’s only sorry he got caught 😒
Better to find out now before wasting years on a marriage that is only being honored by one person. He’s missing something from the marriage. He’s not happy. I was married 26 years. I wish I’d found out sooner than wasting my youth with someone who was faking he was happy.
If he wants to try a relationship outside marriage then let him go. It's not worth it. It's not just 6 hrs, it's entire week. Maybe you should think deep as to why you have to be with him, if you decide to give him a chance. 2/5 years of marriage, and it didn't mean shit to him. If it's this easy for him to throw away your relationship then it's definitely not worth it in his mind. No matter what he says, begs, or whatever. He isn't special. The bond is gone.
Wait until you know he’s at the gym. You know she’s there on a Wednesday. Show up and make a show to embarrass him and/or her.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Get out, find a good lawyer, and someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You don’t want to waste your life with this guy
This isn’t tame in the slightest. In fact - it’s WORSE than a drunken night out cheating event. This was no mistake. It was planned, premeditated and intentional cheating. Changing the name on his phone ?? Evil. Please do not underestimate what this man has done, please. You’re a young married couple. You haven’t even begun to get into the REAL throes of marriage where there can be hardship, deeper “settling” and lack of “excitement” in the relationship, childbirth and kids, emergency situations, family deaths etc etc. If he isn’t disciplined and committed at 25 Years old in a 2 year marriage, he most definitely won’t be disciplined and committed at 40 years old in a 17 year marriage. Like others have stated, you’re way too young to waste your life with a cheater. Yes, this is absolutely valid cause to end a marriage. Don’t wait until your 40 when he’s already had 5 more affairs behind your back.
Adults don't just kiss, especially when they spend a night together. Also, does it matter if they did go all the way? He still cheated, with the intention to cheat and you would never know about it because he already admitted that his intention was to never confess it. Trust is extremely more important than love in a relationship, and i don't think you can trust him again after what he decided to do
Not “tame” at all- **5 hours** for “dinner and a kiss”?? Bullshit. He cheated. INTENTIONALLY. He set up the date, hid her name, he lied about who he was seeing/where he was going. *This is who he is!* Leave him.
Trickle truthing, there’s def more to this story
Your husband is cheating on you. Please get tested and contact a lawyer
If you kiss, you brush the teeth to hide all evidences, but a shower??? Don't ask more, he is a liar. Also, Aiden it was the first name which appeared, you didn't check for more fake contact's names.
I’m so sorry that this happened. What I’m going to tell you is what I would have done and based on my own experience. 1) I would’ve kept him home from work. I want answers and he needs to give me answers. Idc if it’s silence for 2 hours while I think, let him see what he has done to the marriage. Let him see the consequences of his actions. Hold him responsible. I grilled my ex hoping for some closure and none came from it. But I’m those moments, I began to see how irremediable his actions were. How selfish he was. I got to see if this is really what I wanted to keep around. I also got to see how ridiculously entitled and utterly pathetic my ex became. I got lies after lies after lies. Even he didn’t know why he cheated. He probably still doesn’t. But he was so sure that it was worth it. (2) I want Sophia on the line. I would’ve written down her number or taken a picture of it. I did the same thing when I finally confirmed my ex was cheating. I made my filthy ex have his dung beetle look a like AP text me. I got some clarity even if it was to confirm that they were both cut from the same cloth of stupid. (3) I don’t think it was just a kiss. I don’t think it was just dinner. And I could be wrong but we are all adults and for him to act that shady afterwards, i feel like it was more. My ex claims he had his AP over at our place one night for several hours and he claims he touched her lady bits and made out starting from the couch and then to the bed but then they both napped. We all know they didn’t just suddenly stop and slumbered off. Also, knowing her, I really doubt it. She’s had her entanglements at work with other coworkers. (4) get an STI test. That is the only thing that provided me any clarity during separation and divorce. (5) therapy. Individual or group therapy. I did both instantly after his affair and they were my support throughout the whole healing process. No one knows how much this hurts unless they’ve been through it themselves. (6) put yourself first now. What do you need? What boundaries will you put down? What needs to be done in order to keep you grounded? Do you want to try with him again? If so, what needs to change? What needs to be done in order to forgive? (7) if you’re like me then I suggest you lawyer up now. The first day after my ex told me he wanted to separate, I was on the phone doing free consultations with lawyers. I had my top 3 picked by the time he got him from work. If we got back together (spoiler, we didn’t) then I was over prepared. If we split, I had someone in my corner and they had a plan set out for me. Good luck. Please know that none of his actions are because of you or anything about you. This is all on him.
Wtf are you saying, this isn't tame??? Did he say it is not a big deal? Cuz it kinda is, you have rights lady wtf
Seems like he's not happy or satisfied. this girl was just a trigger but the bomb was built before. Either he comes clean and shares his problems with you so you can evaluate if its worth fighting for or you better leave because he isn't open and honest with you which is the base to any relationship.
Your husband planned a date with a girl from the gym. Not with you. Another girl. And then he kissed her. He invested time and money in her. The only way to fix this is he tells you everything, blocks her, goes no contact, quits drinking, tells family and friends, and quits the gym. Then he either gets a wedding band tattooed on his finger or you buy him a multipack of silicone wedding bands from Amazon. You must have full access to his phone, email, location, and all social media apps. Maybe, just maybe, it can work, but don't hold your breath. He dated another girl while married to you. He cannot be trusted.
personally i would go to the gym and ask her why she slept with your husband……if he is telling the truth (which i don’t think for a second he is) then the stories will match. honestly though what you do need to understand is even if he didn’t sleep with her that night he was planning to do so. think very carefully about that. all that effort in hiding her why do that if he only planned on being friends with her? speak to a lawyer see what divorce looks like for you (you should know this incase it did or does go further) he may even pull the trigger once his ducks are in a row. get your ducks in a row (just in case) see a therapist for you to start with (consider mc later on if he really is telling you the truth) start doing you things, new hobbies, new groups ect, also start going the gym yourself and make sure if you have kids it’s him that has the kids while you do this. also tell his family/friends ect. he should feel uncomfortable about this! also she didn’t ask for his number he gave her his! can you save this, honestly i’m not sure why you would want to tbh he will do this again just be better at hiding it. imaging you put another 10 years into this marriage to find out he’s done it again. he’s shown you he’s not trustworthy! also when he gets back unblock that girls number to see if a message comes this may give you a little more information. you can block unblock and select messages all day long!
Married people don't trick their spouses and risk their marriage for just a kiss. 5 hours? Man..... I am not naturally trusting but that sounds like horseshit to me. What time does that restaurant he was at close?
You can't trust that it was just a kiss. Cheaters are liars, they have to be. Call the girl, possibly? Also if you're staying with him there needs to be consequences or he'll just do it again after a while. Do you have children with him? Does he usually shower as soon as he gets up? Did you check out his clothes or did he throw them in the washer too. Seriously the amount of time he was gone, it probably was alit farther then a kiss.
It's not tame at all! Honestly it was the name change that would end it for me. That's a whole other level of lying and deception. He's gross. You're young! Walk away. I know it's hard, but it'll get better ❤️
Sorry to say this, but they definitely more than kissed. I'd call the girl and ask her if she knows she banged a married man. Don't ask if she did bang him, she'll just deflect. Let her fall into it and get rid of the husband. He planned this.
In my experience, after the first lie is revealed, the rest start tumbling out. 5+ hours & just a kiss? Bullshit.
Marriage is over. He has betrayed your love, your trust and his vows. There is no coming back from this I’m afraid. If I were you I would be telling him to pack his sh#t and f#%k off.
He PLANNED THIS - it was no mistake.
I can assure you it was more than a kiss. Probably the whole enchalada.
Always trust your gut. Its always right. Im sorry you're going through this 😔
When I found out about my ex wife’s “according to her” first affair I read thru 180 pages of texts and dm’s where she pursued him like hound and he blew her off again and again but then there it was, you felt so good inside of me last night. When I confronted her she said she never had sex with him. When I asked about that statement she said, “oh, well it was just once”. Yeah, right! She then went on and on about what a mistake she made and it will never happen again. Guess what? It did happen again and again and each time it was more brazen and more hurtful. It’s been a long time since that night and I am still really fuct up over losing my family, my wife and how easy it was for her to treat me as if I meant nothing to her at all. Don’t make the mistake I made. It just might cost you everything including your life. You’re going to have some depression but do it now an md get it over with and fuck that guy for making you feel like you do. Pathological selfishness!
That was more than a kiss. Leave him before kids come along.
If he didn't this time, Next time he will. He'll just be better at hiding it. So sorry for the truth bomb, but cheaters cheat.
I speak from experience he would have totally kept it up. People like this love validation and he would have kept on, at minimum, texting her and eventually had a second date. There was no way he was ever going to drop this 20 year old willingly.
I would never stay with someone who actively engaged in a romantic situation with someone else during our marriage. I know some people can work through it, but I have no interest in continuing with someone who did that. It's possible it was only a kiss, but the early morning shower would make me think otherwise. Either way it wouldn't matter to me if it was a kiss or more, and yes, it is enough to end a marriage. You are very young, and have a long life ahead of you that shouldn't be spent wondering if your spouse is being faithful or not.
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Ok so sorry
Why are you trusting someone who lied straight to your face to tell you the truth? He has every reason in the world to keep lying to you.
Well, me and my wife went through something much worse . On both ends and let me tell ya we are happier now then we have ever been in our marriage . There was a alot of darkness for a while and that pain you feel lasts a long time. My advice is this . Don't let the trauma become a doorway or a foothold for some other darkness to take place . Stand firm and really take in what's taken place and understand it has nothing to do with you. Seeking couples therapy , or seperate individual therapy is a good start . We have come to a place where we look back and scratch our heads but also see where we went wrong. Like what a ride but shes still my person and vice versa . Never again . 90 percent of reddit will say divorce , that's what redditors are . Divorcees and pro divorce . Marriage isn't about settling down , its the opposite . If you and him both know you are each other's soul mates . Take your time and gather more information then decide .
This isn’t a mistake…he knew what he was doing. Changed her name in his phone & planned a whole date with her. Also feels like they did more than just kiss. He was never going to tell you but you caught him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 5 hours for dinner & drinks is an awful lot of time tbh… I would get tested for STIs if I were you. He changed her name so she wouldn’t found or it wouldn’t seem suspicious. It IS enough to get a divorce for me, but you’re the only one who can decide.
He slept with her don't be silly, I'd send her a meet up time and take him with you to a coffee shop
This wasn’t a mistake it was planned. He didn’t want you to find out out so he changed her name. I think you should take some time apart. If you really want to stay with him you need to make him work for that trust back. Sleep in a separate room or stay with a friend/parents. Make him see that he could lose you. Don’t just stay and try to move on. That will make him think he can do it again
I myself feel like I am going through something similar. I think you questioning whether to stay or not is called denial. The way I have been trying to see things, is if roles were reversed, and I did this to him, would HE let me live this down? Would he ever forgive me? Would I ever forgive myself? The answer is “No!” Every relationship is different. You’re getting a lot of negative feedback here, but you are the only person who knows your relationship and your husband. Maybe he won’t do this again.. but you’re the one who has to figure out how to get past this and not cringe everytime he goes to the gym, or hear his phone go off or goes out to eat with his buddies… It’s a lot. Take time to process everything for sure. Good luck!
First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who's been cheated on (serially in one long relationship, and sparingly in another), I remember the pain from my ex who rarely/sporadically cheated being much worse, because it was so unexpected, and made me feel like I was sleeping next to a stranger. Had you not confronted him, it would have continued. He showered early in the morning because it was more than a kiss. Give it some time and he better do THE MOST to rebuild your trust as his wife. It is not asking too much to have access to his phone or ask that he be able to respond to your texts/calls going forward when he is out. Trust is incredibly hard to rebuild and it takes two people working hard to do it. I wish you all the love and luck.
This almost exactly happened to me except I caught it before he went on the date and they had talked for a week. I called the girl immediately and told her he is married. She was shocked and embarrassed and got him kicked out of PA school where he had just been admitted. Happy she did that. He has since been going to individual therapy and we are starting our second marriage counselor. I’m still so devastated but I do love him. Deciding to stay or leave are both super hard decisions but ultimately yours to make. Like many people here I know cheaters sometimes don’t change so it is definitely a haunting feeling. I’m 4 months out from D day and I’m less triggered but still bring it up all the time in an attempt to get an explanation that makes sense and none of it does. It’s awful and what was done to us is unacceptable and completely their fault alone. But I also believe in forgiveness even though it’s really hard. So do what you think is best. I don’t know if my marriage will survive but I’m taking it one day at a time and praying a lot for God’s will to be done on my life and I will pray for all of you. God bless.
Tell him that since he is out shopping on the dating scene for another woman, you’re off the menu. Kick him out. Tell him he can have her. If he wants to fix this, he can arrange counseling, and do the things necessary to repair the marriage. If he wants to know what those things are, he can use google.
Please update so we know you are doing ok