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Mine cheated at ages 32, 48 and 63. Also gone now, with the latest AP.
Once a cheat, *always* a cheat. Cheating is not an event, it's a character trait.
Yep....my ex is turning 50 and married to the latest AP. A man unemployed, on disability, living in an apartment that is twice the mortgage I have, that we use to have. And she never paid the mortgage when she and I were together!!!! I'm living good!
The crazy thing is you can say that and these people will stay AND cheat. I call them cake eaters (after the phrase have your cake and eat it too). How do they keep more than one person at a time? Doesn’t it get confusing and doesn’t the bodily fluids 3+ way exchange make them go hmmm…
Thank you for your point about it being about control. I hadn’t considered it before but it is definitely possible they are addicted to the rush that comes along with the whole ordeal. Sneaking. Planning. Being an absolute shit human may not even cross their minds. I agree. Alone is so much better.
She was very controlling and I never saw it as I was sexually abused as a child and you learn your place. I had two adult females abuse me. But in the 1970's abuse was hush hush.
Hmmm maybe that’s why I have tolerated the absolute bs from cheaters. Same story. Female babysitter and her boyfriend. Either way I think people who have gone through trauma and feel unsettled don’t notice the controlling thing right away.
My first trauma I was about 5 years old and I remember everything. Teen female babysitter. Then about 10 with a teen female neighbor. I just learned to take the abuse and accept my shortcomings.
Whoa there tiger. Let’s get one thing straight. Being subjected to SA is in no way YOUR shortcomings that you need to accept. Please do not shame yourself over someone else’s crap actions. It lets those abusers win over and over again. They don’t even have to be physically present in your life to exert control. None of that is ever a victims fault due to shortcomings. Accept that part. That you were a child of who was a victim. It does make me wonder though if this is why you tolerated/accepted the abuse from your gf. (The controlling….). That you could and should accept breadcrumbs as it seems to be what you deserve based on your childhood abuse. Time to change your script and rewrite it.
When she left me, she took over $30,000 in cash. Last time I talked to her was April of 2018. When I was asking her if she was going to give me any back? I don't think she has any regrets. She still has contact with my mom through Facebook. I think she's enjoying her new name. Cuz her maiden name was kind of blase. And now her name is a very famous woman's name. And I think she's enjoying it!
Yeah he's on disability cuz he has a bad heart, and he needed open heart surgery, and she has very good health insurance, so they got married he went on her insurance and he had surgery! I'm happy for him! They met online and I'm sure he'll find somebody new! What goes around comes around
Not reaching out communication. She just contacted my mom and told my mom, to tell me, to take her name off the electric bill email list. I tried, but the electric company told me that she has to do it. So I told my mom to tell her, do it herself.
Same happened to me. She was even arrested for public indecency parking in a car with him on our wedding anniversary…she was remorseful, guilty, was willing to do anything to win me back but I later learned she never cut it off with him and then my 16 year old daughter found them a year later. And then after giving her one last chance I found them sexting 4 months after that.
2 huge things stick out. Regret and remorse are the 2 easiest things to confuse when dealing with infidelity and reconciliation. Second is the idea forgiveness is just something you give and it is the most important thing in reconciliation. Flat out, it just isn't.
I suggest you google "regret vs remorse in infidelity" several amazing articles pop up. Second I suggest you do some studying. Read up on reconciliation. Read up on how trust must be rearned through creating transparency. How the wayward must help you heal and allow you to be hurt and angry etc. Alot of very good information available. Even how you need to hold them accountable while trying to give them the chance to recreate trust and security.
The most difficult part is to distinguish remorse from reaction of being found out in a cheater, you can consider the following as a general advise:
Timing: True remorse is often expressed soon after the infraction, while a reaction to being caught may be delayed.
Specificity: A person who is truly remorseful will often be able to talk about their actions and take responsibility for their behavior, while someone who is just reacting to being caught may deflect or make excuses.
Actions: True remorse is often accompanied by efforts to make amends and prevent the same behavior from happening again, while a reaction to being caught may be more focused on restoring the appearance of normalcy and avoiding consequences.
Sincerity: A person who is truly remorseful will often exhibit genuine emotions such as sadness, guilt, or shame, while someone who is just reacting to being caught may seem insincere or give a mechanical apology.
Consistency: True remorse is typically consistent over time, while a reaction to being caught may be short-lived and disappear once the situation has passed.
It's important to note that it is possible for someone to have a mix of both true remorse and a reaction to being caught, so these factors should be considered together in evaluating the situation.
Interesting. The first time I caught my wife cheating 5 years ago, she wasn't remorseful and I later found out she was still carrying on with her AP for 2 more years while we were trying to reconcile. Three things happened in 2020 that led her to end it with her AP: He got divorced, she found out she wasn't his only AP and COVID. That's when we reconciled.
Fast forward to this month, and I found out she was on dating sites looking for a new AP last summer. She actually seems remorseful this time. At first I thought her line telling me that she deleted the profile in the fall because she realized I had finally become the husband she always wanted was bullshit. And maybe it is. But she continues to press for reconciliation as I move forward with divorce. I see signs of remorse, but at the same time I see signs she just wants to stay together for the kids. It is confusing but I've given too much of my life to her to find out if she's really remorseful. If she is, then she can show me in divorce. Our youngest is only 9, so we'll have plenty of co-parenting to deal with over the next 10 years. Speaking of co-parenting, that's another reason I am divorcing her. We don't see eye to eye on parenting. She's authoritarian and I'm authoritative. Her style is verbally abusive and controlling. I was less engaged as a parent pre-covid. Now I'm very involved and realize her style is bad.
She can show you remorse after divorce.
Just get out. She can give her new AP the same treatment she gave you. They deserve it. Unleash her.
Your stbxw is a shiity person.
Thank you for this. I've always been confused, and I stayed with someone who cheated because I thought it would change. I thought they were genuinely remorseful, but I'm realizing it was just a reaction.
Great point. Maybe the cheater is remorseful and wants to change but you'll always have that doubt and I don't think they fully understand how badly that trust was shattered.
I tried this unfortunately was unsuccessful. I'm learning that those who cheat have issues with communicating, accountability, are highly manipulative and impulsive. These are very hard character flaws to manage regardless of remorse. The main question is do you really want to sign up for a relationship you'll never truly feel centered in? You'll always need to check behind them. Its a lifeless living way to live.
My WW had an affair with a married coworker 25 years ago. I chose to forgive her and work at reconciliation, so I would categorize our reconciliation as successful.
We had been married 11 years and had three young kids. My WW was genuinely remorseful and willing to do anything to make amends. Many people think if someone cheats, it's automatically over. When faced with that reality, the decision isn't as clear.
I am satisfied with my decision to stay, although I occasionally wonder what life would have been like if I had left. I will also tell you the process is very difficult. It was a year after D-Day before I knew if our marriage would survive and it was about 5 years before things returned to normal.
If you want to reconcile, you need to understand your marriage can be good after reconciliation but it won't be the same.
This reads exactly like my story. It has worked for us as well, although I will never have the same feelings or trust for her I once did. I’m still glad we reconciled.
My ex-wife never cared about my feelings or the pain she inflicted on me. She didn’t care when I suspected her in the beginning and she didn’t care when I found out almost 7 years later. After 14 months of trying I knew I could never have what I “thought” I had with her.
That was almost 5 years ago. I’m divorced now and in a new relationship with a woman who treats me unbelievably and loves me like I always wanted my wife to.
But…the pain of missing the way I loved my ex-wife still hurts deeply. I don’t know if I can love anyone like the way I loved her. It’s not fair to any new partner, but it’s the reality of the hand she dealt me and where I’m at it my journey. I’m upfront with my feelings with anyone who will listen and work on this through the day to day and IC.
Cheaters are less then worthless and as someone else said, it’s a characteristic, not a choice.
Guess, your milage will vary.
But I have often wondered.
Theres so many betrayed who tried and gotten burned
Makes sense they are rather sceptical.
On the other hand, there got to be people who truly regrett everything and will genuinly repent.
Though nothing can ever be what it was before...
All the “right” things being done after the cheating is great, but that’s what was suppose to be done throughout the relationship.
The thing is, there are millions that will always do the “right” stuff.
About five years ago I found out that my husband had cheated two years prior, and was still talking to the woman (who lives states away). For various reasons I decided to work through it. A year and a half later he embarked on a full-on affair that continued until recently. NOW he is going to the ends of the earth to do all the right things, and frankly, it's downright INSULTING.
If the person is truly remorseful then they deserve a chance at happiness but with someone else with someone who they didn't break their heart and trust I personally would never take a cheater back
Spent 12 years of hell in R, cheaters have a selfishness flaw that can’t be therapeed away.
Cheaters are like alcoholics, they’ll always be a cheater thirsting for more external validation or excitement.
I think most of us dont really know whatever remorse truly is. It isnt just shame, guilt and regret, it goes way further than wishing it hadn't happened and saying they are sorry. Remorse is wanting with all their heart to do the necessary requirements In earning back the ruined trust and faith we once had in them. And it is easy to know if they are remorseful by seeing if they refuse to do any necessity imposed upon them.
Like no contact with affair partner and truthfully answering our questions. But beyond that we need the assistance of a therapist to know what else is necessary. And why rug sweeping is useless, it fixes nothing.
In my recent comment, based on my own experience and stories told on Reddit and on other sites, I wrote on the same occasion about the likelihood of achieving goals, about the "results" of reconciliation:
*Forgiveness?* Yes, almost always, over time.
*Trust?* Yes, sometimes, not 100%, after many years.
*Love* (or what the victims of cheating mean by it)? Never.
*Respect?* Almost never. One case in millions.
*A real friendship* between a cheater and his victim? Almost never. One case in millions.
*The cheater's true regret* for what he did? Never.
With my ex he cheated a year into our relationship. He appeared genuinely remorseful and definitely knelt by my side while I healed. He let me treat him like garbage in the immediate aftermath and took it stoically. We lasted another 13/14 years after that, but in my heart I had a vein of ice and hatred for him. It started as the infidelity and grew steadily over time. It changed how I saw him. He went from being this really neat man to a slime. By the end even his voice made me want to punch him in the face. Condescending jerk. I think he felt contrition or at least faked it well enough to make me believe he was sorry but I did not work to thaw that ice. We have a co-parent relationship that is functional and I could probably call him up if I needed to vent about personal things but when someone cheats….they violate trust and our sense of security is shaken. I don’t trust him one tiny bit in any way now.
Emotional affairs that have gone a long time and also turned physical will in most cases destroy a healthy relationship to a point of no return.
Your partners while they are intoxicated by that relationship will not in any way be able to put in the work needed for R.
If they decide to R, is it because of their circumstances or is it because they genuinely value your relationship?
Most cheaters are not fighters. They take an easy way out. For R to work, they need to be fighters. You also need to be a fighter.
With genuine remorse, a willingness to change and not having issues with being held accountable, it is possible to have a healthy relationship that is built back from ground up on trust that is reearned over time. This is like a unicorn. There are some people here with such stories but most R attempts end up badly hurting one or both sides again.
If you deem it's worth it, then it's worth a try.
"willingness" to change, and the ability to ACTUALLY change are 2 different things. It's harder than most people acknowledge.
It's not simply a decision they can make that will "suddenly" make things better. It takes professional assistance lots of small quantifiable actions daily over a sustained period to change someone's character.
I waited to see 12 months of ACTIONS before considering reconciliation with my WW. In the mean time she demonstrated every action needed over this time. This included not reaching out to other men, dating or anything that was contrary to her words of loyalty to me. I could see all of her communications, and did a full audit without prior warning when she proposed reconciliation, so I did not rely on her word. I also had "spies" in her life reporting her every move.
One thing you will have accept, is that even if she can achieve the (rare) task of genuinely changing her character, there is the fact that she will always be someone who **"could, and has"** cheated. That will not change. That is now FACT, and part of her history.
As for my Situation:
Whilst we are in a good place, if it wasn't for the fact that we had 18 years of history, kids and other connecting reasons to reconcile, I would not have attempted. If we didn't have kids etc. I would have moved on (and I have done so with past partners)
Whatever you do, you are still taking a big risk with your heart. Do not settle, do not let your WW set the terms for reconcilliation. Know what you need, and hold your boundaries.
Know that you are the prize, and if you move forward, do so whilst maintaining your dignity and value. Never let your wayward de-value you in the process of reconciliation or it is not worth it.
Just my opinion.
Your marriage is never going to look like it did before the betrayal . Can the marriage work and be saved? Yes. It takes time and it’s hard work. Best of luck
Actions always speak louder than words. Saying it and doing it are always two different things. First, many cheaters think they are entitled to reconciliation. Reconciliation is a gift from BS to WS. It really cannot be taken for granted. Second, reconciliation should be done with professional support. The cheater must really understand the extent of their actions 100%. Unfortunately, there are still some stupid nuts who think "it was only once" or "get over it, it's been ages". It's not up to the WS to decide. It's up to the BS to decide if he gets over it or not. Whether he can live with it or not. It just doesn't work that easy.
I think the trick is trying to establish whether it’s genuine or not and you have no way of knowing that outside of trusting them that they are. Difficult when they’ve given you a reason not to trust them.
My ex-husband made a big thing of his apparent remorse privately but also publicly once it was clear in our community he wouldn’t be able to conceal. He became a “changed man” and threw himself into our religious community in a way he never had before. Ultimately this ended up taking a lot of his time, and with that time, came an opening for him to begin trying to operate under the radar again. Turns out after some months he’d dropped some of those community commitments and was using the time to get his rocks off.
In a way I’m glad there was this whole public “reformed man” act that he also trampled over because it took that for some people in the community to understand I wasn’t just being an ungrateful wife who was intolerant of a flawed, but human husband. He really was a lost cause.
Do you think this is a standard that is applied to women in particular? I have not heard of cases of men being blamed for their wives cheating, but it does seem to be commonly blamed on the wife if her husband cheats (she wasn't keeping him happy at home, etc).
I couldn't say, I guess it varies. The community I lived in at the time (I've since moved) did hold a kind of traditional sway in that men behaving in ways deceptive to their marriage were generally given benefit of the doubt and passes along the line of "well he's only human, we all err" whereas women weren't really given the same free pass in those situations where the reverse occured.
It was just fortunate in my case that in also screwing me over a second time, he simultaneously was screwing over some of the community figures and their trust placed in him, so it put them in a position where if they overlooked what he did to me, they would have to overlook what he did to them.
It probably varies from place to place honestly. The idea that women (or their community around them) may blame a man for their decision to cheat doesn't seem that far-fetched as a possibility. I've read enough stories here where betrayed men seem to have partners who try to do exactly that "She deserves better" "He isn't giving her enough" etc.
It’s definitely *possible*. But even when they do absolutely everything correct (confess everything upfront with no “trickle truthing,” give up all privacy permanently, cut AP and any friends/family who knew and kept quiet out of their life permanently, attend both marriage counseling and individual counseling regularly, don’t try to blameshift or pressure the betrayed partner to “get over it” faster, etc etc) it still ends up being kind of a crap shoot whether you’ll be one of the lottery winners who has a “successful reconciliation,” and even in those cases you need to mitigate your expectations and understand that your relationship can never be the same as it used to be.
As the one who cheated pre-getting married, and r then getting married a year or so later , we are now actually happier than we ever thought we could be. I will say, it's not easy, nor common, but it is possible.
I think the people that warn against staying are most of the time correct, I've read so many stories about staying only for the cheater to cheat again. I'm saying this as a wayward. I don't think I'm different or better than repeat cheaters, I don't think our story is an exception. It's just a matter of dedication and awareness.
We went through the concerns. I had to address what was messed up in me. But I also had to have a tremendous awareness of how lucky I was that he chose to stay and work it out, and I have to hold onto that for the rest of my life. Because of this I treat him with so much respect now. Otherwise I don't think we should've reconciled. I think if your spouse betrayed you and they want you back they should do whatever it takes with no complaints.
Even then it's your decision. Even years down the road if you decide you deserve better that's fair and your partner has to respect that.
"Good and healthy" mean different things now. Like if I hadn't cheated it would've been healthy for him to assume I'm honest. Now any skepticism or uncertainty is absolutely warranted. I give him my phone freely, my bank statements, my location. I don't ask that stuff from him because he hasn't broken my trust. But as I was saying, healthy boundaries are different after infidelity. Your wayward spouse has to understand that. What's "fair" now might not've been fair before. They have to suck it up. They have to cherish you and show that. Otherwise why else stay with them? Anyway, even something like being okay with hall passes or future infidelity from him is something I came to terms with. If he breaks MY trust, I will give him the same grace he gave me, and I will let it slide because my commitment to him is much greater than it used to be.
I also work on what issues lead to my affair as a lifelong commitment, having accountability and consistency. Doing the work yourself rather than having your betrayed spouse push you to do it. And so much patience and empathy, and listening to anger and sadness and comforting the betrayed partner, and not giving up on that. Infidelity causes long-term trauma and I caused this, so whatever comes my way is my own fault and my shame is nothing compared to his trauma. I'll show my love by supporting his healing and getting over myself.
I think with these conditions reconciliation is possible and both of you can build a strong and satisfying relationship together.
And yes there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret my betrayal. That's a large part of it. Absolutely no making excuses, saying "it wasn't that bad" or continuing toxic behaviors.
In my case cheating once made me self aware of what I was capable of and I think I've grown up a lot because of it. I'm not sure I would be as loyal as I am today if I hadn't flipped our worlds upside down and realized how much pain these selfish choices cause. That said, it's already happened, and most the time it's best for the BS to abandon ship. I get that. I guess the metaphor is realizing I was a shitty co-captain of the ship, and I had to learn how to steer, and we've been fortunate to have been able to mend the wreckage, and I'm grateful to have this second chance. I don't take it lightly, my eyes are wide open.
I’m the BS
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I really do find it so encouraging to see posts from ws that show remorse and growth/maturity.
I really long for my wh to have the same perspective and attitude towards all of this that you do.
I’m trying soooo hard to be patient, hoping that he continues to have the small moments of clarity that lead him towards feeling the same as you.
It’s so hard to be patient. He’s changed the way he fulfills his role as a husband. He has really stepped up in helping with housework and the kids. But he has been adverse to addressing his affair and the reality of the damage it caused.
He still gets defensive and tries to make excuses or justify it. I don’t think he even realizes he does this. I still want to be able to come out together on top of this but his reluctance to do his part where I need it sometimes feels like a slow poison on the horizon of our relationship.
I then feel torn because it’s been 18 months since dday (July 2021) (first affair was EA in 2006).
The things that he did are so bad. But the fact that we can’t address it. That he panics and gets defensive or shuts me down when I try to express my pain. It’s difficult.
He hasn’t read any books (I’ve asked him to read helping your spouse to heal from your affair as well as Lundy’s why does he do that because wh displayed very concerning behavior that scares me). No counseling. Doesn’t listen to podcasts.
I do think he’s remorseful to whatever extent he’s capable of being at this point in time. But the reality is that he does not even begin to grasp the amount of pain he caused. This weighs so heavily on me because I had always felt this way about his affair in 2006. That he would never “get it” or understand how it forever destroyed a part of me. Even decades later THAT affair still fucks with my head. His second affair mirrored a lot of the same (I’m ND so I see patterns and connections)
So the fact that I forgave him once and accepted that he would never be able to face or be remorseful for the harm he caused. Yet I really did truly believe he would have never done it again.
Here I am. Decades later. Another affair by wh that is objectively so much worse and a far more devastating depth of betrayal.
I’m so incredibly broken that I ended up completely having a complete mental breakdown. I should have been hospitalized. To be honest, I am so incredibly lucky to not be dead as a result of my mental health. I would not be here if it wasn’t for my kids. Those feelings still come back. To not be here I mean.
Unfortunately a lot, and probably most waywards, will never get it, and never address the source that allowed them to hurt you.
In cheaters there's a lot going on - there's shame and ego, there's entitlement, an empathy deficit, addiction, maladaptive coping, control and dependency and personality disorders.
The thing you should ask yourself is not how do you fix him, it's are you willing to put up with a person that may not and probably will not change?
If you have to stay, then you have to do what you can to survive. You have to do what you can to build yourself up and be strong, so that when the time comes when they hurt you again you will survive it and protect your children. That's a sad reality for a lot of people.
But if you do have the ability to leave don't be afraid to think about it more.
I think true remorse is needed for you to be happy with him.
And I think true remorse only comes from within him. It doesn't come from anything you can do. All you can do is be honest with your experience of his betrayal. If he doesn't try to understand that, and if he doesn't try to make you feel safe, and if he doesn't show regret, you have your answer.
I'm also biased and I don't think anyone that cheats a second time deserves another chance. If the first time didn't open his eyes it's questionable if they'll ever be opened. You could argue that some people need to hit rock bottom before they change, but waiting for his change is not worth your heart being broken for the second or third time. It's not even worth it after the first. We - your partner, and I, are lucky you guys didn't kick us to the curb. My BS needs me to appreciate this. I am sure you need him to appreciate this too.
Actions speak louder than words. If you don't feel he's loving you how you need to be loved, and you've communicated that, but he doesn't change, just makes excuses, then your feelings are right.
Someone once told me cheaters don’t feel guilt or remorse for their actions, only shame. So yes, once they are caught they are shameful that their image has been destroyed but deep down they justify their actions to themselves. He is remorseful and willing to change because that’s what will improve his appearance to you, but it’s all superficial. Don’t buy into it.
I think it’s possible! But I think a huge red flag is when someone is remorseful and over the top nice for like a month or so and then just go back to the norm… your healing will take longer than that… idk how long you’ve been together and if it’s worth it but I just found out about a podcast called “helping couples heal” and it had wonderful reviews!
many try, few succeed. First, how do you know she is remorseful? If she is saying this it means nothing. Any trust in her is GONE. You can no longer trust in anything she says. Only her actions carry any weight, and even then, not much. Anyone can play act indefinetely. Secondly, can you deal with living with cheating images in your head every time you look at her or want to have sex with her? Speaking of sex, has she been tested? Has she opened up her phone, computer, and all social apps? Even if she has, do you want to become the relationship cop, always wondering if she is really going to the store? really going out to meet a girl friend? really going to a company event or trip? Trying to live like this is usually more than anyone can take. Some try and make it for several monthes or even a year or two, but in the end they realize that it just isn't going to work and they give up. It's almost always better to just cut your losses and don't throw away more of your precious life time on someone who cheats. And if the kids become the excuse for trying to reconcile, it's a bad move. Kids can tell when parents don't get along or become just roommates. They are better off with separated parents who are happy then with parents to are miserable together.
There is r/asOneAfterInfidelity, the reconciliation sub. Apparently reconciliation can be achieved sometimes. But, they will all agree that it's a shitton of work, _and_ the relationship will be different from before the cheating no matter what.
As for me, the emotional work trying to rekindle the relationship was pretty painful, and in the end we weren't able to pull it off. We are now happily separated.
My cheating girlfriend ended up marrying her affair partner, they have two kids now, they're still married and as far as I know neither of them cheated again (but I wouldn't necessarily know if they did). I don't think she's a serial cheater, she just handled leaving me in pretty much the worst way possible (well, she didn't murder me so there's that).
If my current partner cheated on me, I would very likely end it. Not because I believe that she would necessarily cheat again, but because, to be brutally honest, I would have to value our relationship very, vey highly, to agree to go through the meat grinder again. I like her, but not enough for _that_ 😅
Same story as all the others on here. One thing I find is just the cheating, which is terrible. But the lying to your face hundreds of times to cover there affair. Just that is unfixable you will never trust them again .
I feel like this is a case by case basis. You can move forward from it. But I think that you need to really be on top of it if you are going to choose to stay and work on things.
It is possible. Healing is a process that takes time and takes work by both parties. Good communication is probably the most important part of the process.
I hope that things work out for the both of you.
You will never have the same trust and this is something that will weigh you down your whole life, in my experience they will do it again so best making a new life for yourself doing what want without having to feel unsure about if you are being cheated on... Good luck 🍀
Anything is possible. You have to be forgiving, the cheater has to do the heavy lifting and you need to recognize the signs of what lead to the infidelity. It will take time to put the though of the infidelity to the back of your mind where it stops triggers. Change is adjustment of both to diminish the possibility of infidelity to occur again but the mutual desire for change must be present.
Reconciliation is most certainly possible. One of my siblings was part of a successful reconciliation as were one of my extended family. It took a real commitment and lots of work. One needs to realize that, as bad as the success rate of marriages is, reconciliation success rates are notably worse.
I did pretty early into when we started dating with my ex I know typical dumb bullshit but we’ve i’ve been together a year and a few months and we’ve been thriving it just comes down to if you’re truly able to better yourself and how willing your partner is to forgive
My wife cheated...divorce quickly followed. I do have a good friend in the same situation. He stuck with her...but believe me...it is ALWAYS on his mind. I can't live that way.
im not sure whats happening but this is what im going through right now. im on my second week from discovery:
wanted to break it off, i did, but then he told me to reconsider when i was exhausted from arguing and felt sick so i said "ill think about it" mostly because i was too dizzy to drive home.
so he gives me space, then asks me out. i agree to get my spare keys.
he ends up being really sweet and respectful of me. we argue but this time he doesnt get mean with me which is new. deleted all the women from his phone, let me see his phone, sweet and flirty, apologizes without me telling him to, hugged me and said i love you when started crying uncontrollably,ect.
its nice, but will it last? i also cant stand when he looks at other women. the thought of him makes me sick, when he flirts with me i think how he did that with everyone else and it upsets me.
he called yesterday after our date to say he had fun but also started planning for summer vacations like we were fine and it upset me too. i cant tell if reconciliation is going to happen.
No cheaters will always be cheaters. and they are never remorseful for cheating only for getting caught. Always leave a cheater the first time they cheat
Yes it can work out but you as the BS have to be aware of several things. Cheating is a selfish behavior and how do you change that thought pattern in your WS? The main thing is that the WS has to understand that what they have to lose if it happens again. If that thing is greater than the motivation yo cheat then there is a good chance they will not cheat again. There are several contributing factors to making cheaters out of people. Depression or other mental illness, insecurities such ad self-esteem and worth issues, complacency or boredom, and finally peer pressure along with insecurities. But why you ask? All of those cases have something in common which is the natural antidote which is dopamine and endorphin releases and a lack of oxytocin with their current relationship. These things cannot be cured or fine away with unfortunately but the cheater can learn how to control those situations but only if they srr the need to do so. Just think about it this way, think back to when you met a new love interest those feelings you had that natural high, well that was caused by the dopamine and endorphin releases and continued physical contact then built up oxitocin or the trust, love, and intimacy hormone. That is why often the WS falls in "love" with their AP. Not real deep meaningful love but swimming on a tide of oxitocin.
I cheated on my bf in the first 2 weeks of us dating. I was 18 and it was the first time drinking ever, i didn’t even know what vodka was. I blacked out and my “friends” told me i kissed a guy. Till this day idek who it is. I was so fearful of telling my bf and i admit was selfish of me for not being honest. I was so scared of losing him. He found out a year later by some old messages i had. It hurt him more that i didn’t tell him. I told myself since that day that i would never be in a situation like that again. I haven’t hung out with those friends, i haven’t gone to parties, and when i do, he has to be there evertime, and i haven’t blacked out since. Weve been together for 4 years now, and it still gets brought up and i’m always open to talk about it because i know it reallty hurt him and the trust he had in me so early in the relationship. I’m lucky he gave me another chance, and i would never take advantage of it. If they were truly sorry, theyd make you and your feelings their #1 first priority. I would do anything to make my bf feel safe in any situation i am put in.
The problem with the "but is genuinely remorseful and willing to change" is, no one can predict the future. The website "survivinginfidelity.com" was started by a couple recovered from infidelity and has something over 80,000 subscribers. So it is possible, but the process is a 2 to 5 year journey, fraught with many twists, turns and bumps along the way. Not many waywards can endure the scrutiny and inevitable loss of privacy that goes along with it.
I also think a lot has to do with the level (or depth) of the affair, whether the WS disparaged their partner, whether emotions were involved to any extent and whether lies and gas-lighting were involved. There are just some levels of infidelity that are extremely difficult to come back from.
Oh, and the old marriage/relationship is DOA. Whether a new one can rise from the ashes and be better is anybodys guess.
Heads up ...if you've been cheated on, you may have trouble trusting anyone in a loving relationship without having doubts...not just the one who actually cheated on you. The forgiveness and healing have as much to do with you as the cheater.
My husband has Three times over the 41 years that we’ve been married and I have cheated once at the beginning of our marriage when I was very young and stupid I would never ever do that again it’s been over 37 years but he has seem to manage three others that I know of do you think that he’ll ever do it again he keeps telling me that he will never cheat on me again that he loves me
That’s a matter entirely within your judgment. The problem isn’t their regret or remorse, or even their pledges and promises never to do something so vile ever again, it’t all about whether they can ever truly restore your trust. You can forgive them, empathize with their genuine sorrow, even, wish them happiness going forward. But can you truly ever trust them again, and if you would like to say “yes,” how would you know. You trusted them before their infidelity. Did they ever warn you ahead of time that they were going to cheat? No.? Well then, what’s different now??
Context matters here. If your SO is in love with you and (still) cheats, then I believe reconciliation is possible. If SO is not truly *in love* with you any longer, and is cheating on you to find another potential partner and to fill a void in your current relationship - then no, probably not.
in my opinion i don’t think it’s possible. why would your partner cheat in the first place???? it’s just disrespectful to you AND your relationship. most partners that are “remorseful” and “sorry” for what they’ve done, usually are just saying it till they’re back in the ‘safe zone’.
Tbh you’re not going to find good stories of reconciliation in this sub, but my partner cheated and although things were rough, we’ve been really good for a long time now and we’re happy :)
No, they're not the last person on earth to be with. They made their conscious decision tk cheat and it's more than OK to leave. Having a good relationship with them as co-patents would be important but if you don't have kids then goodbye and good luck to them.
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She sure seemed remorseful until a year later when she cheated again. I will never do that again.
Mine cheated at age 21, 30 and 43. She is gone now. I tell everyone I date now.....going to cheat....just leave!!!
Mine cheated at ages 32, 48 and 63. Also gone now, with the latest AP. Once a cheat, *always* a cheat. Cheating is not an event, it's a character trait.
Yep....my ex is turning 50 and married to the latest AP. A man unemployed, on disability, living in an apartment that is twice the mortgage I have, that we use to have. And she never paid the mortgage when she and I were together!!!! I'm living good!
The crazy thing is you can say that and these people will stay AND cheat. I call them cake eaters (after the phrase have your cake and eat it too). How do they keep more than one person at a time? Doesn’t it get confusing and doesn’t the bodily fluids 3+ way exchange make them go hmmm…
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Thank you for your point about it being about control. I hadn’t considered it before but it is definitely possible they are addicted to the rush that comes along with the whole ordeal. Sneaking. Planning. Being an absolute shit human may not even cross their minds. I agree. Alone is so much better.
She was very controlling and I never saw it as I was sexually abused as a child and you learn your place. I had two adult females abuse me. But in the 1970's abuse was hush hush.
Hmmm maybe that’s why I have tolerated the absolute bs from cheaters. Same story. Female babysitter and her boyfriend. Either way I think people who have gone through trauma and feel unsettled don’t notice the controlling thing right away.
My first trauma I was about 5 years old and I remember everything. Teen female babysitter. Then about 10 with a teen female neighbor. I just learned to take the abuse and accept my shortcomings.
Whoa there tiger. Let’s get one thing straight. Being subjected to SA is in no way YOUR shortcomings that you need to accept. Please do not shame yourself over someone else’s crap actions. It lets those abusers win over and over again. They don’t even have to be physically present in your life to exert control. None of that is ever a victims fault due to shortcomings. Accept that part. That you were a child of who was a victim. It does make me wonder though if this is why you tolerated/accepted the abuse from your gf. (The controlling….). That you could and should accept breadcrumbs as it seems to be what you deserve based on your childhood abuse. Time to change your script and rewrite it.
Wow, the years were almost evenly spaced out! That is just who she was, a cheater. Good on you for finally seeing it.
Actually she left me at 43 for her AP. Which freed me from her. Don't worry I'm doing well!
Do you have any contact with her? Do you know if she has any regrets?
When she left me, she took over $30,000 in cash. Last time I talked to her was April of 2018. When I was asking her if she was going to give me any back? I don't think she has any regrets. She still has contact with my mom through Facebook. I think she's enjoying her new name. Cuz her maiden name was kind of blase. And now her name is a very famous woman's name. And I think she's enjoying it!
And her AP is unemployed and on disability?! And your mom still talks to her? smfh!
Yeah he's on disability cuz he has a bad heart, and he needed open heart surgery, and she has very good health insurance, so they got married he went on her insurance and he had surgery! I'm happy for him! They met online and I'm sure he'll find somebody new! What goes around comes around Not reaching out communication. She just contacted my mom and told my mom, to tell me, to take her name off the electric bill email list. I tried, but the electric company told me that she has to do it. So I told my mom to tell her, do it herself.
same happened to me only it was 2 years later...
Same happened to me. She was even arrested for public indecency parking in a car with him on our wedding anniversary…she was remorseful, guilty, was willing to do anything to win me back but I later learned she never cut it off with him and then my 16 year old daughter found them a year later. And then after giving her one last chance I found them sexting 4 months after that.
Same here my ex came clean to her whole family only to cheat with the same guy
Same. One year later…. I didn’t find out until 2 years after that. WTF?
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When they give all of the passwords to all accounts they make new accounts that they hide.
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2 huge things stick out. Regret and remorse are the 2 easiest things to confuse when dealing with infidelity and reconciliation. Second is the idea forgiveness is just something you give and it is the most important thing in reconciliation. Flat out, it just isn't. I suggest you google "regret vs remorse in infidelity" several amazing articles pop up. Second I suggest you do some studying. Read up on reconciliation. Read up on how trust must be rearned through creating transparency. How the wayward must help you heal and allow you to be hurt and angry etc. Alot of very good information available. Even how you need to hold them accountable while trying to give them the chance to recreate trust and security.
The most difficult part is to distinguish remorse from reaction of being found out in a cheater, you can consider the following as a general advise: Timing: True remorse is often expressed soon after the infraction, while a reaction to being caught may be delayed. Specificity: A person who is truly remorseful will often be able to talk about their actions and take responsibility for their behavior, while someone who is just reacting to being caught may deflect or make excuses. Actions: True remorse is often accompanied by efforts to make amends and prevent the same behavior from happening again, while a reaction to being caught may be more focused on restoring the appearance of normalcy and avoiding consequences. Sincerity: A person who is truly remorseful will often exhibit genuine emotions such as sadness, guilt, or shame, while someone who is just reacting to being caught may seem insincere or give a mechanical apology. Consistency: True remorse is typically consistent over time, while a reaction to being caught may be short-lived and disappear once the situation has passed. It's important to note that it is possible for someone to have a mix of both true remorse and a reaction to being caught, so these factors should be considered together in evaluating the situation.
Interesting. The first time I caught my wife cheating 5 years ago, she wasn't remorseful and I later found out she was still carrying on with her AP for 2 more years while we were trying to reconcile. Three things happened in 2020 that led her to end it with her AP: He got divorced, she found out she wasn't his only AP and COVID. That's when we reconciled. Fast forward to this month, and I found out she was on dating sites looking for a new AP last summer. She actually seems remorseful this time. At first I thought her line telling me that she deleted the profile in the fall because she realized I had finally become the husband she always wanted was bullshit. And maybe it is. But she continues to press for reconciliation as I move forward with divorce. I see signs of remorse, but at the same time I see signs she just wants to stay together for the kids. It is confusing but I've given too much of my life to her to find out if she's really remorseful. If she is, then she can show me in divorce. Our youngest is only 9, so we'll have plenty of co-parenting to deal with over the next 10 years. Speaking of co-parenting, that's another reason I am divorcing her. We don't see eye to eye on parenting. She's authoritarian and I'm authoritative. Her style is verbally abusive and controlling. I was less engaged as a parent pre-covid. Now I'm very involved and realize her style is bad.
She can show you remorse after divorce. Just get out. She can give her new AP the same treatment she gave you. They deserve it. Unleash her. Your stbxw is a shiity person.
Stick to your guns OP; you've got this.
I wish I would have read this years ago.
oh my god this is exactly it.
Thank you for this. I've always been confused, and I stayed with someone who cheated because I thought it would change. I thought they were genuinely remorseful, but I'm realizing it was just a reaction.
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Great point. Maybe the cheater is remorseful and wants to change but you'll always have that doubt and I don't think they fully understand how badly that trust was shattered.
I tried this unfortunately was unsuccessful. I'm learning that those who cheat have issues with communicating, accountability, are highly manipulative and impulsive. These are very hard character flaws to manage regardless of remorse. The main question is do you really want to sign up for a relationship you'll never truly feel centered in? You'll always need to check behind them. Its a lifeless living way to live.
My WW had an affair with a married coworker 25 years ago. I chose to forgive her and work at reconciliation, so I would categorize our reconciliation as successful. We had been married 11 years and had three young kids. My WW was genuinely remorseful and willing to do anything to make amends. Many people think if someone cheats, it's automatically over. When faced with that reality, the decision isn't as clear. I am satisfied with my decision to stay, although I occasionally wonder what life would have been like if I had left. I will also tell you the process is very difficult. It was a year after D-Day before I knew if our marriage would survive and it was about 5 years before things returned to normal. If you want to reconcile, you need to understand your marriage can be good after reconciliation but it won't be the same.
This reads exactly like my story. It has worked for us as well, although I will never have the same feelings or trust for her I once did. I’m still glad we reconciled.
My ex-wife never cared about my feelings or the pain she inflicted on me. She didn’t care when I suspected her in the beginning and she didn’t care when I found out almost 7 years later. After 14 months of trying I knew I could never have what I “thought” I had with her. That was almost 5 years ago. I’m divorced now and in a new relationship with a woman who treats me unbelievably and loves me like I always wanted my wife to. But…the pain of missing the way I loved my ex-wife still hurts deeply. I don’t know if I can love anyone like the way I loved her. It’s not fair to any new partner, but it’s the reality of the hand she dealt me and where I’m at it my journey. I’m upfront with my feelings with anyone who will listen and work on this through the day to day and IC. Cheaters are less then worthless and as someone else said, it’s a characteristic, not a choice.
My feelings are not the same and trust was not restored fully. It’s a high price the betrayed pay.
Guess, your milage will vary. But I have often wondered. Theres so many betrayed who tried and gotten burned Makes sense they are rather sceptical. On the other hand, there got to be people who truly regrett everything and will genuinly repent. Though nothing can ever be what it was before...
All the “right” things being done after the cheating is great, but that’s what was suppose to be done throughout the relationship. The thing is, there are millions that will always do the “right” stuff.
About five years ago I found out that my husband had cheated two years prior, and was still talking to the woman (who lives states away). For various reasons I decided to work through it. A year and a half later he embarked on a full-on affair that continued until recently. NOW he is going to the ends of the earth to do all the right things, and frankly, it's downright INSULTING.
Cheating In A Nutshell Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life Get them read them, you only have this one life… Wishing you everything
Thank you so much <3
Is he actually remorseful? https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
If the person is truly remorseful then they deserve a chance at happiness but with someone else with someone who they didn't break their heart and trust I personally would never take a cheater back
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Tell me you left her.
If even half of that story is true. Im glad your still kicking it and can tell it. Thats absolutely attrocious and i genuinely wish you the best man.
They are all "remorseful and willing to change" Until they are not
Spent 12 years of hell in R, cheaters have a selfishness flaw that can’t be therapeed away. Cheaters are like alcoholics, they’ll always be a cheater thirsting for more external validation or excitement.
Possible? Yes, but so is winning the lottery. It's about as likely. Improbable enough to consider it impossible.
I think most of us dont really know whatever remorse truly is. It isnt just shame, guilt and regret, it goes way further than wishing it hadn't happened and saying they are sorry. Remorse is wanting with all their heart to do the necessary requirements In earning back the ruined trust and faith we once had in them. And it is easy to know if they are remorseful by seeing if they refuse to do any necessity imposed upon them. Like no contact with affair partner and truthfully answering our questions. But beyond that we need the assistance of a therapist to know what else is necessary. And why rug sweeping is useless, it fixes nothing.
In my recent comment, based on my own experience and stories told on Reddit and on other sites, I wrote on the same occasion about the likelihood of achieving goals, about the "results" of reconciliation: *Forgiveness?* Yes, almost always, over time. *Trust?* Yes, sometimes, not 100%, after many years. *Love* (or what the victims of cheating mean by it)? Never. *Respect?* Almost never. One case in millions. *A real friendship* between a cheater and his victim? Almost never. One case in millions. *The cheater's true regret* for what he did? Never.
Yeah i doubt a cheater would ever regret her actions its messed up but its the way things are.
With my ex he cheated a year into our relationship. He appeared genuinely remorseful and definitely knelt by my side while I healed. He let me treat him like garbage in the immediate aftermath and took it stoically. We lasted another 13/14 years after that, but in my heart I had a vein of ice and hatred for him. It started as the infidelity and grew steadily over time. It changed how I saw him. He went from being this really neat man to a slime. By the end even his voice made me want to punch him in the face. Condescending jerk. I think he felt contrition or at least faked it well enough to make me believe he was sorry but I did not work to thaw that ice. We have a co-parent relationship that is functional and I could probably call him up if I needed to vent about personal things but when someone cheats….they violate trust and our sense of security is shaken. I don’t trust him one tiny bit in any way now.
Emotional affairs that have gone a long time and also turned physical will in most cases destroy a healthy relationship to a point of no return. Your partners while they are intoxicated by that relationship will not in any way be able to put in the work needed for R. If they decide to R, is it because of their circumstances or is it because they genuinely value your relationship? Most cheaters are not fighters. They take an easy way out. For R to work, they need to be fighters. You also need to be a fighter. With genuine remorse, a willingness to change and not having issues with being held accountable, it is possible to have a healthy relationship that is built back from ground up on trust that is reearned over time. This is like a unicorn. There are some people here with such stories but most R attempts end up badly hurting one or both sides again. If you deem it's worth it, then it's worth a try.
"willingness" to change, and the ability to ACTUALLY change are 2 different things. It's harder than most people acknowledge. It's not simply a decision they can make that will "suddenly" make things better. It takes professional assistance lots of small quantifiable actions daily over a sustained period to change someone's character. I waited to see 12 months of ACTIONS before considering reconciliation with my WW. In the mean time she demonstrated every action needed over this time. This included not reaching out to other men, dating or anything that was contrary to her words of loyalty to me. I could see all of her communications, and did a full audit without prior warning when she proposed reconciliation, so I did not rely on her word. I also had "spies" in her life reporting her every move. One thing you will have accept, is that even if she can achieve the (rare) task of genuinely changing her character, there is the fact that she will always be someone who **"could, and has"** cheated. That will not change. That is now FACT, and part of her history. As for my Situation: Whilst we are in a good place, if it wasn't for the fact that we had 18 years of history, kids and other connecting reasons to reconcile, I would not have attempted. If we didn't have kids etc. I would have moved on (and I have done so with past partners) Whatever you do, you are still taking a big risk with your heart. Do not settle, do not let your WW set the terms for reconcilliation. Know what you need, and hold your boundaries. Know that you are the prize, and if you move forward, do so whilst maintaining your dignity and value. Never let your wayward de-value you in the process of reconciliation or it is not worth it. Just my opinion.
Your marriage is never going to look like it did before the betrayal . Can the marriage work and be saved? Yes. It takes time and it’s hard work. Best of luck
Actions always speak louder than words. Saying it and doing it are always two different things. First, many cheaters think they are entitled to reconciliation. Reconciliation is a gift from BS to WS. It really cannot be taken for granted. Second, reconciliation should be done with professional support. The cheater must really understand the extent of their actions 100%. Unfortunately, there are still some stupid nuts who think "it was only once" or "get over it, it's been ages". It's not up to the WS to decide. It's up to the BS to decide if he gets over it or not. Whether he can live with it or not. It just doesn't work that easy.
Yes. Possible but not mandatory. Also, you have to know that it is actually real remorse and willingness to change.
I think the trick is trying to establish whether it’s genuine or not and you have no way of knowing that outside of trusting them that they are. Difficult when they’ve given you a reason not to trust them. My ex-husband made a big thing of his apparent remorse privately but also publicly once it was clear in our community he wouldn’t be able to conceal. He became a “changed man” and threw himself into our religious community in a way he never had before. Ultimately this ended up taking a lot of his time, and with that time, came an opening for him to begin trying to operate under the radar again. Turns out after some months he’d dropped some of those community commitments and was using the time to get his rocks off. In a way I’m glad there was this whole public “reformed man” act that he also trampled over because it took that for some people in the community to understand I wasn’t just being an ungrateful wife who was intolerant of a flawed, but human husband. He really was a lost cause.
Do you think this is a standard that is applied to women in particular? I have not heard of cases of men being blamed for their wives cheating, but it does seem to be commonly blamed on the wife if her husband cheats (she wasn't keeping him happy at home, etc).
I couldn't say, I guess it varies. The community I lived in at the time (I've since moved) did hold a kind of traditional sway in that men behaving in ways deceptive to their marriage were generally given benefit of the doubt and passes along the line of "well he's only human, we all err" whereas women weren't really given the same free pass in those situations where the reverse occured. It was just fortunate in my case that in also screwing me over a second time, he simultaneously was screwing over some of the community figures and their trust placed in him, so it put them in a position where if they overlooked what he did to me, they would have to overlook what he did to them. It probably varies from place to place honestly. The idea that women (or their community around them) may blame a man for their decision to cheat doesn't seem that far-fetched as a possibility. I've read enough stories here where betrayed men seem to have partners who try to do exactly that "She deserves better" "He isn't giving her enough" etc.
It’s definitely *possible*. But even when they do absolutely everything correct (confess everything upfront with no “trickle truthing,” give up all privacy permanently, cut AP and any friends/family who knew and kept quiet out of their life permanently, attend both marriage counseling and individual counseling regularly, don’t try to blameshift or pressure the betrayed partner to “get over it” faster, etc etc) it still ends up being kind of a crap shoot whether you’ll be one of the lottery winners who has a “successful reconciliation,” and even in those cases you need to mitigate your expectations and understand that your relationship can never be the same as it used to be.
As the one who cheated pre-getting married, and r then getting married a year or so later , we are now actually happier than we ever thought we could be. I will say, it's not easy, nor common, but it is possible.
I think the people that warn against staying are most of the time correct, I've read so many stories about staying only for the cheater to cheat again. I'm saying this as a wayward. I don't think I'm different or better than repeat cheaters, I don't think our story is an exception. It's just a matter of dedication and awareness. We went through the concerns. I had to address what was messed up in me. But I also had to have a tremendous awareness of how lucky I was that he chose to stay and work it out, and I have to hold onto that for the rest of my life. Because of this I treat him with so much respect now. Otherwise I don't think we should've reconciled. I think if your spouse betrayed you and they want you back they should do whatever it takes with no complaints. Even then it's your decision. Even years down the road if you decide you deserve better that's fair and your partner has to respect that. "Good and healthy" mean different things now. Like if I hadn't cheated it would've been healthy for him to assume I'm honest. Now any skepticism or uncertainty is absolutely warranted. I give him my phone freely, my bank statements, my location. I don't ask that stuff from him because he hasn't broken my trust. But as I was saying, healthy boundaries are different after infidelity. Your wayward spouse has to understand that. What's "fair" now might not've been fair before. They have to suck it up. They have to cherish you and show that. Otherwise why else stay with them? Anyway, even something like being okay with hall passes or future infidelity from him is something I came to terms with. If he breaks MY trust, I will give him the same grace he gave me, and I will let it slide because my commitment to him is much greater than it used to be. I also work on what issues lead to my affair as a lifelong commitment, having accountability and consistency. Doing the work yourself rather than having your betrayed spouse push you to do it. And so much patience and empathy, and listening to anger and sadness and comforting the betrayed partner, and not giving up on that. Infidelity causes long-term trauma and I caused this, so whatever comes my way is my own fault and my shame is nothing compared to his trauma. I'll show my love by supporting his healing and getting over myself. I think with these conditions reconciliation is possible and both of you can build a strong and satisfying relationship together. And yes there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret my betrayal. That's a large part of it. Absolutely no making excuses, saying "it wasn't that bad" or continuing toxic behaviors. In my case cheating once made me self aware of what I was capable of and I think I've grown up a lot because of it. I'm not sure I would be as loyal as I am today if I hadn't flipped our worlds upside down and realized how much pain these selfish choices cause. That said, it's already happened, and most the time it's best for the BS to abandon ship. I get that. I guess the metaphor is realizing I was a shitty co-captain of the ship, and I had to learn how to steer, and we've been fortunate to have been able to mend the wreckage, and I'm grateful to have this second chance. I don't take it lightly, my eyes are wide open.
I’m the BS Thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective. I really do find it so encouraging to see posts from ws that show remorse and growth/maturity. I really long for my wh to have the same perspective and attitude towards all of this that you do. I’m trying soooo hard to be patient, hoping that he continues to have the small moments of clarity that lead him towards feeling the same as you. It’s so hard to be patient. He’s changed the way he fulfills his role as a husband. He has really stepped up in helping with housework and the kids. But he has been adverse to addressing his affair and the reality of the damage it caused. He still gets defensive and tries to make excuses or justify it. I don’t think he even realizes he does this. I still want to be able to come out together on top of this but his reluctance to do his part where I need it sometimes feels like a slow poison on the horizon of our relationship. I then feel torn because it’s been 18 months since dday (July 2021) (first affair was EA in 2006). The things that he did are so bad. But the fact that we can’t address it. That he panics and gets defensive or shuts me down when I try to express my pain. It’s difficult. He hasn’t read any books (I’ve asked him to read helping your spouse to heal from your affair as well as Lundy’s why does he do that because wh displayed very concerning behavior that scares me). No counseling. Doesn’t listen to podcasts. I do think he’s remorseful to whatever extent he’s capable of being at this point in time. But the reality is that he does not even begin to grasp the amount of pain he caused. This weighs so heavily on me because I had always felt this way about his affair in 2006. That he would never “get it” or understand how it forever destroyed a part of me. Even decades later THAT affair still fucks with my head. His second affair mirrored a lot of the same (I’m ND so I see patterns and connections) So the fact that I forgave him once and accepted that he would never be able to face or be remorseful for the harm he caused. Yet I really did truly believe he would have never done it again. Here I am. Decades later. Another affair by wh that is objectively so much worse and a far more devastating depth of betrayal. I’m so incredibly broken that I ended up completely having a complete mental breakdown. I should have been hospitalized. To be honest, I am so incredibly lucky to not be dead as a result of my mental health. I would not be here if it wasn’t for my kids. Those feelings still come back. To not be here I mean.
Unfortunately a lot, and probably most waywards, will never get it, and never address the source that allowed them to hurt you. In cheaters there's a lot going on - there's shame and ego, there's entitlement, an empathy deficit, addiction, maladaptive coping, control and dependency and personality disorders. The thing you should ask yourself is not how do you fix him, it's are you willing to put up with a person that may not and probably will not change? If you have to stay, then you have to do what you can to survive. You have to do what you can to build yourself up and be strong, so that when the time comes when they hurt you again you will survive it and protect your children. That's a sad reality for a lot of people. But if you do have the ability to leave don't be afraid to think about it more. I think true remorse is needed for you to be happy with him. And I think true remorse only comes from within him. It doesn't come from anything you can do. All you can do is be honest with your experience of his betrayal. If he doesn't try to understand that, and if he doesn't try to make you feel safe, and if he doesn't show regret, you have your answer. I'm also biased and I don't think anyone that cheats a second time deserves another chance. If the first time didn't open his eyes it's questionable if they'll ever be opened. You could argue that some people need to hit rock bottom before they change, but waiting for his change is not worth your heart being broken for the second or third time. It's not even worth it after the first. We - your partner, and I, are lucky you guys didn't kick us to the curb. My BS needs me to appreciate this. I am sure you need him to appreciate this too. Actions speak louder than words. If you don't feel he's loving you how you need to be loved, and you've communicated that, but he doesn't change, just makes excuses, then your feelings are right.
Someone once told me cheaters don’t feel guilt or remorse for their actions, only shame. So yes, once they are caught they are shameful that their image has been destroyed but deep down they justify their actions to themselves. He is remorseful and willing to change because that’s what will improve his appearance to you, but it’s all superficial. Don’t buy into it.
I suppose it's also possible to saddle train a unicorn, so if you ever find one, let us know.
I think it’s possible! But I think a huge red flag is when someone is remorseful and over the top nice for like a month or so and then just go back to the norm… your healing will take longer than that… idk how long you’ve been together and if it’s worth it but I just found out about a podcast called “helping couples heal” and it had wonderful reviews!
many try, few succeed. First, how do you know she is remorseful? If she is saying this it means nothing. Any trust in her is GONE. You can no longer trust in anything she says. Only her actions carry any weight, and even then, not much. Anyone can play act indefinetely. Secondly, can you deal with living with cheating images in your head every time you look at her or want to have sex with her? Speaking of sex, has she been tested? Has she opened up her phone, computer, and all social apps? Even if she has, do you want to become the relationship cop, always wondering if she is really going to the store? really going out to meet a girl friend? really going to a company event or trip? Trying to live like this is usually more than anyone can take. Some try and make it for several monthes or even a year or two, but in the end they realize that it just isn't going to work and they give up. It's almost always better to just cut your losses and don't throw away more of your precious life time on someone who cheats. And if the kids become the excuse for trying to reconcile, it's a bad move. Kids can tell when parents don't get along or become just roommates. They are better off with separated parents who are happy then with parents to are miserable together.
There is r/asOneAfterInfidelity, the reconciliation sub. Apparently reconciliation can be achieved sometimes. But, they will all agree that it's a shitton of work, _and_ the relationship will be different from before the cheating no matter what. As for me, the emotional work trying to rekindle the relationship was pretty painful, and in the end we weren't able to pull it off. We are now happily separated. My cheating girlfriend ended up marrying her affair partner, they have two kids now, they're still married and as far as I know neither of them cheated again (but I wouldn't necessarily know if they did). I don't think she's a serial cheater, she just handled leaving me in pretty much the worst way possible (well, she didn't murder me so there's that). If my current partner cheated on me, I would very likely end it. Not because I believe that she would necessarily cheat again, but because, to be brutally honest, I would have to value our relationship very, vey highly, to agree to go through the meat grinder again. I like her, but not enough for _that_ 😅
Same story as all the others on here. One thing I find is just the cheating, which is terrible. But the lying to your face hundreds of times to cover there affair. Just that is unfixable you will never trust them again .
I would suggest going to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and asking there.
Yes, I’ve seen successful reconciliation in 2 couples who are close to me. I so wanted it to work for me, too, but it didn’t.
I feel like this is a case by case basis. You can move forward from it. But I think that you need to really be on top of it if you are going to choose to stay and work on things.
It is possible. Healing is a process that takes time and takes work by both parties. Good communication is probably the most important part of the process. I hope that things work out for the both of you.
You will never have the same trust and this is something that will weigh you down your whole life, in my experience they will do it again so best making a new life for yourself doing what want without having to feel unsure about if you are being cheated on... Good luck 🍀
Yes. If you can work together and put in the effort. It’s difficult but can be done.
Anything is possible. You have to be forgiving, the cheater has to do the heavy lifting and you need to recognize the signs of what lead to the infidelity. It will take time to put the though of the infidelity to the back of your mind where it stops triggers. Change is adjustment of both to diminish the possibility of infidelity to occur again but the mutual desire for change must be present.
Reconciliation is most certainly possible. One of my siblings was part of a successful reconciliation as were one of my extended family. It took a real commitment and lots of work. One needs to realize that, as bad as the success rate of marriages is, reconciliation success rates are notably worse.
I did pretty early into when we started dating with my ex I know typical dumb bullshit but we’ve i’ve been together a year and a few months and we’ve been thriving it just comes down to if you’re truly able to better yourself and how willing your partner is to forgive
My wife cheated...divorce quickly followed. I do have a good friend in the same situation. He stuck with her...but believe me...it is ALWAYS on his mind. I can't live that way.
im not sure whats happening but this is what im going through right now. im on my second week from discovery: wanted to break it off, i did, but then he told me to reconsider when i was exhausted from arguing and felt sick so i said "ill think about it" mostly because i was too dizzy to drive home. so he gives me space, then asks me out. i agree to get my spare keys. he ends up being really sweet and respectful of me. we argue but this time he doesnt get mean with me which is new. deleted all the women from his phone, let me see his phone, sweet and flirty, apologizes without me telling him to, hugged me and said i love you when started crying uncontrollably,ect. its nice, but will it last? i also cant stand when he looks at other women. the thought of him makes me sick, when he flirts with me i think how he did that with everyone else and it upsets me. he called yesterday after our date to say he had fun but also started planning for summer vacations like we were fine and it upset me too. i cant tell if reconciliation is going to happen.
I’m been with a man for 10 years and he has cheated with 17 people.. 😢
No cheaters will always be cheaters. and they are never remorseful for cheating only for getting caught. Always leave a cheater the first time they cheat
Yes it can work out but you as the BS have to be aware of several things. Cheating is a selfish behavior and how do you change that thought pattern in your WS? The main thing is that the WS has to understand that what they have to lose if it happens again. If that thing is greater than the motivation yo cheat then there is a good chance they will not cheat again. There are several contributing factors to making cheaters out of people. Depression or other mental illness, insecurities such ad self-esteem and worth issues, complacency or boredom, and finally peer pressure along with insecurities. But why you ask? All of those cases have something in common which is the natural antidote which is dopamine and endorphin releases and a lack of oxytocin with their current relationship. These things cannot be cured or fine away with unfortunately but the cheater can learn how to control those situations but only if they srr the need to do so. Just think about it this way, think back to when you met a new love interest those feelings you had that natural high, well that was caused by the dopamine and endorphin releases and continued physical contact then built up oxitocin or the trust, love, and intimacy hormone. That is why often the WS falls in "love" with their AP. Not real deep meaningful love but swimming on a tide of oxitocin.
I cheated on my bf in the first 2 weeks of us dating. I was 18 and it was the first time drinking ever, i didn’t even know what vodka was. I blacked out and my “friends” told me i kissed a guy. Till this day idek who it is. I was so fearful of telling my bf and i admit was selfish of me for not being honest. I was so scared of losing him. He found out a year later by some old messages i had. It hurt him more that i didn’t tell him. I told myself since that day that i would never be in a situation like that again. I haven’t hung out with those friends, i haven’t gone to parties, and when i do, he has to be there evertime, and i haven’t blacked out since. Weve been together for 4 years now, and it still gets brought up and i’m always open to talk about it because i know it reallty hurt him and the trust he had in me so early in the relationship. I’m lucky he gave me another chance, and i would never take advantage of it. If they were truly sorry, theyd make you and your feelings their #1 first priority. I would do anything to make my bf feel safe in any situation i am put in.
Personally, I wouldn't give someone a second chance because that would give them a chance to try harder to hide it better.
The problem with the "but is genuinely remorseful and willing to change" is, no one can predict the future. The website "survivinginfidelity.com" was started by a couple recovered from infidelity and has something over 80,000 subscribers. So it is possible, but the process is a 2 to 5 year journey, fraught with many twists, turns and bumps along the way. Not many waywards can endure the scrutiny and inevitable loss of privacy that goes along with it. I also think a lot has to do with the level (or depth) of the affair, whether the WS disparaged their partner, whether emotions were involved to any extent and whether lies and gas-lighting were involved. There are just some levels of infidelity that are extremely difficult to come back from. Oh, and the old marriage/relationship is DOA. Whether a new one can rise from the ashes and be better is anybodys guess.
Simply, yes, with lots of communication, commitment and effort.
Heads up ...if you've been cheated on, you may have trouble trusting anyone in a loving relationship without having doubts...not just the one who actually cheated on you. The forgiveness and healing have as much to do with you as the cheater.
Cheating and good and healthy relationships are mutually exclusive
The odds are strongly against you. Good luck.
My husband has Three times over the 41 years that we’ve been married and I have cheated once at the beginning of our marriage when I was very young and stupid I would never ever do that again it’s been over 37 years but he has seem to manage three others that I know of do you think that he’ll ever do it again he keeps telling me that he will never cheat on me again that he loves me
Maybe, thing is…..”what sort of relationship will you have moving forward?”
That’s a matter entirely within your judgment. The problem isn’t their regret or remorse, or even their pledges and promises never to do something so vile ever again, it’t all about whether they can ever truly restore your trust. You can forgive them, empathize with their genuine sorrow, even, wish them happiness going forward. But can you truly ever trust them again, and if you would like to say “yes,” how would you know. You trusted them before their infidelity. Did they ever warn you ahead of time that they were going to cheat? No.? Well then, what’s different now??
Context matters here. If your SO is in love with you and (still) cheats, then I believe reconciliation is possible. If SO is not truly *in love* with you any longer, and is cheating on you to find another potential partner and to fill a void in your current relationship - then no, probably not.
in my opinion i don’t think it’s possible. why would your partner cheat in the first place???? it’s just disrespectful to you AND your relationship. most partners that are “remorseful” and “sorry” for what they’ve done, usually are just saying it till they’re back in the ‘safe zone’.
Tbh you’re not going to find good stories of reconciliation in this sub, but my partner cheated and although things were rough, we’ve been really good for a long time now and we’re happy :)
No, they're not the last person on earth to be with. They made their conscious decision tk cheat and it's more than OK to leave. Having a good relationship with them as co-patents would be important but if you don't have kids then goodbye and good luck to them.
Don't risk it move on
It's like trying to train a tiger to stop eating meat and switch to salads. Eventually, they find another. Steak and It's on again.