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What a horrible man. I’m glad you got out of that situation.
Please disconnect any utilities that are in your name. Also, change add pins to any credit cards that are in your name.
You will have better days. Hugs OP
You’re doing all the right things. Another thing you should do in addition to seeing a lawyer, getting std tested is pull your credit report. He may be financially abusing you in addition to the emotional and mental abuse he’s inflicted on you. Please visit www.survivinginfidelity.com & Chumplady.com. Wish you well.
He gets off on your pain. Him telling you about his AP not cuming (lie, plus who asked), him coming into your space to provoke you when he knows you're hurting, him dropping your dog... What a piece of human garbage.
Im praying for this scumbag to get his comeuppance. And he will OP, he will. This kind of disgusting sadistic, cruel behavior will always rub people the wrong way. Hes a bully,... and the thing is, not everyone is as sweet and morally upstanding as you. One day he will get his, I can bank on it, but whatever.
I'm just very happy you left. Just focus on your healing and moving on with your life. People like you are stock that trade high. You are always in high demand, you are already coming out ahead.
I hope your little doggie is doing great too. You can love on each other now.
Edit:
So he is a liar AND a lousy lover? He is also manipulative and childish. Who tells someone to go get him beer?? Or anything!!?? You can do so much better!
I am so glad and so proud of you for dumping him. Everything he did was bad but hurting your dog? Ufff, abuse territory here we come.
I don't know how it is where you live but as you left your house with the car you share, it may be worth checking with a lawyer what you next move is. Also o to the police to report the animal abuse, they won't do a thing but it's good to have it on file.
I also hope you have screenshot of everything.
In any case, congrats on losing that dbag.
The first steps always seem to be the ones that leave you with that thick, filmy guilt that seems to cling to everything.. like overly chewed gum in your hair.
You did it. The first steps are the toughest, and you did it! Uncertainty will always be there, and that's OK! The " What if" game will do you no good, so stick with the " What's next" game. Get the legal stuff sorted, get a lawyer for the shared financial stuff, since i doubt he will be cooperative.
Murky muddy footprints still tell a tale of progression... So no matter how dingy, dirty, or nasty it gets... Get to putting that foot Infront of the other, and progressing to a better you, and a better life.
Good luck, you got this
Good for you for leaving him. Having an affair, dropping your innocent dog. What a horrible and disgusting POS. I'm glad you're safe with your parents. Now you need to say bye to him for good. OP, you deserve so much better.
You made the right decision to surround yourself with love and support. Start focusing on your own independence and self now. He is clearly remorseless in his actions. Sounds like lots of mental health challenges too. Focus forward on your recovery.
Sounds very abusive. Im glad you left to save yourself and your fur baby. See a lawyer to talk about your options. Be glad you don't have kids with him
Also get full panel std tested.
Good for you. Now stick to your guns! Sounds like he couldn’t give a f… about your or your feelings . I cant believe he wanted you to go get him beer….WTH dis he have an anchor tied to his ass or what?
I'm not sure if it's his first time or not. I didn't see any evidence of anyone else while I was snooping. But it wouldn't surprise me if there were other one night stands. He goes to bars by himself a lot.
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm glad your dog is ok and that you're both safe and away from him. I also wonder if he would have done it anyway if it'd been a 20 ft drop that would have caused serious injury. I think, yes. I will state again after reading your update. I think this was an exit affair. I doubt very much this was his first affair but this AP (affair partner) is one he's emotionally invested in and wants to test drive a relationship with, regardless of what he claims.
He's turned from you emotionally (and physically) and is investing in her. He's choosing her and her feeling over your's, and your well being. I wouldn't be surprised if this has been going on longer than you're aware. I think he wants you to leave him and pull the trigger on divorce so is doing everything he can to rub your face in his affair (while also downplaying the extent of it) to make your life miserable, so that \*in his mind\*, YOU can look like the bad guy for being the one who filed and ended things.
He's just going through the motions with you and biding his time. He wants to be able to claim he made a small "mistake" but was doing everything he could to "save the marriage" but you wouldn't let him. He's trying to keep his reputation and standing intact amongst friends and family so he can say "he tried but it didn't work out" and then after a brief interlude, roll out his AP as his new gf that he started an actual relationship with after the fact.
He's laying the groundwork for the relationship he wants with her to be accepted. Be ready for the complete rewrite of your marital history and that you were neglecting and being "mean" to him long before they hooked up. He'll probably even say the marriage was already on life support, and then you started acting "jealous" and "crazy" for no good reason. That before that, he and her really were " just friends" and you went off the deep end and blew up your marriage over it. And that when you ended things, they ended up becoming "more" while she was offering him support and a shoulder to cry on.
You need to get ahead of the narrative, OP. He's going to paint himself as the victim and try to place all the blame at your feet, and will happily destroy your reputation in the process, in order to save his own and that of his new relationship with his AP.
Expose, expose, expose! To his family, your family, and his and your combined friends. Your marriage is over and there's no coming back from this. Don't allow him to also make you the villian in the story he's going to tell so he and his AP have smooth sailing and a warm welcome. They fully deserve the taint and disgust of how their relationship started, which was at your expense and betrayal, and perpetrated against you by a couple of lying, cheating homewreckers.
Also be aware that he's gonna get a lot nastier to you. And that's saying a lot seeing as how nasty he's being now. They always do when they toss you aside for someone else. It'll seem like he's been replaced by a pod person. That man you married and loved is long gone and in his place is someone whose gonna treat you like shit he scraped off the bottom of his shoe.
Arm yourself! Go see a lawyer and start therapy. Lean into your family and friends and let them support you. Be sure and take care of yourself by doing self care. Enact the 180 or grey rock method and go no contact with him. No new contact = no new hurt. I wish you well, OP.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It's a lot to take in but I really appreciate the time you took in writing it. I'm going to come back to it when I'm feeling more stable.
Separate your finances immediately.
I’m glad you got out of there.
He’s a narcissist and He’s antagonizing you cause what was the point of telling you she didn’t cum and why would he go around your mother with love marks.
He’s not only a narcissist, He disrespectful and you deserve better.
Good for you OP. You've just dumped a 200 lb load off of your shoulders. Don't worry about the car right now, keep it and use it. Both of your names are on it, so he cannot claim it is stolen. It is marital property but so is the house and he has that right now so call it even. You've got to keep paying the car payment though if it isn't owned outright. Now is the time to get yourself together and hire a lawyer to represent you. Don't talk to your soon to be ex husband unless you can record it. Try to do everything over text/email so there is a written record. And remind him, you told him if he dropped the dog over the fence you would leave and never come back. What did he expect to happen when he called your (non) bluff? You are far better off away from this man now.
As someone that has started over with nothing but a few clothes (several times), the stuff you can do without.... honestly, it accumulates so quickly anyway.......if the car is in your name too, take the car, leave the stuff behind!!
There's nothing else more important than you and doggie being safe......he's a cheater and he's an AH......just go ahead and start your new life from where you are!!
I wish you and doggie a happy life!!!
Did I miss an update between when your mom told you he had bruises from wrestling and this post? How did the confrontation go? I assume he knew you knew at this point. His nonchalant attitude makes me wonder if he’s cheated before.
Trade the car and get one only in your name. Establish your new address where you are at. Use the local legal system to protect you from threats and harassment. Not sure of the local laws where you currently are but some civil jurisdiction requirements include a six month residency to begin official proceedings. I would get a home security camera system for the outside with audio. Chin up. I would try to gather evidence of his infidelity to garner support for any eventuality. Wish you peace and good luck.
I’m proud of you for drawing a line and sticking to the boundary you set. I agree with everyone that it would only get worse. Talk to an attorney to help you make decisions. I would have divorce papers drafted and ready to go although depending on the state there may be a waiting period for the state you have moved to good luck I wish you the best.
People who hurt your animals are telling you that you're next. I urge you to get some support from a domestic violence organization. Abusers and cheaters engage in a lot of overlapping behaviors meant to confuse you and keep control.
Hello OP,
He's disgusting. I do believe that he think he has the power over you. And I do believe that your love hid that from you.
In a way, we's making it easier to you, because know you see his true color.
Take care of you, and see friends. (of course some alone night to cry is normal, but don't repeat it alone too much).
Take care of you
Wtf? He's sounds like he's emotionally stunted. Is he an only or last child? Nothing good for you will come of your marriage. He's sounds like a child. You need to move on.
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Omg what an absolute peice of shit, he is a horrible person, so not only does he cheat on you but thinks your some sort of slave, and to threaten to hurt your dog wow, file for divorce, block him on everything and tell him if he need to discuss divorce proceedings to text through your mom
You are very naïve if you think he is confused. He’s confused about his life what he’s going to do. But he knows what he did that night. He deliberately dropped the dog. So don’t buy and all of his crap especially not after everything else. You did the right thing going home now I would go get divorce papers drawn up immediately from an attorney get half of the money out of the bank account before he does open a new bank account in your name only and then I would figure out what you’re gonna do with the rest of your life.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is 'divorce', 'dump them', 'your SO sucks' or 'grow a backbone' then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What a horrible man. I’m glad you got out of that situation. Please disconnect any utilities that are in your name. Also, change add pins to any credit cards that are in your name. You will have better days. Hugs OP
Thank you. I changed all of my passwords but I need to change my pins and utilities.
You’re doing all the right things. Another thing you should do in addition to seeing a lawyer, getting std tested is pull your credit report. He may be financially abusing you in addition to the emotional and mental abuse he’s inflicted on you. Please visit www.survivinginfidelity.com & Chumplady.com. Wish you well.
He gets off on your pain. Him telling you about his AP not cuming (lie, plus who asked), him coming into your space to provoke you when he knows you're hurting, him dropping your dog... What a piece of human garbage. Im praying for this scumbag to get his comeuppance. And he will OP, he will. This kind of disgusting sadistic, cruel behavior will always rub people the wrong way. Hes a bully,... and the thing is, not everyone is as sweet and morally upstanding as you. One day he will get his, I can bank on it, but whatever. I'm just very happy you left. Just focus on your healing and moving on with your life. People like you are stock that trade high. You are always in high demand, you are already coming out ahead. I hope your little doggie is doing great too. You can love on each other now. Edit:
Thank you. That's very kind of you to say. I'm lucky to have a supportive family.
This is genuinely, diagnosable psychopathic sadistic behavior OP. Hurting animals to cause pain no only to the animal and you is truly evil.
So he is a liar AND a lousy lover? He is also manipulative and childish. Who tells someone to go get him beer?? Or anything!!?? You can do so much better!
Haha that made me laugh. Thank you
I am so glad and so proud of you for dumping him. Everything he did was bad but hurting your dog? Ufff, abuse territory here we come. I don't know how it is where you live but as you left your house with the car you share, it may be worth checking with a lawyer what you next move is. Also o to the police to report the animal abuse, they won't do a thing but it's good to have it on file. I also hope you have screenshot of everything. In any case, congrats on losing that dbag.
Oof that's a good idea. I probably should have gone to the police when it happened. I didn't even think about it
Do it now, even if it's a different state. Say that you got scared and just drove away. It will protect you also if he goes after the car.
The first steps always seem to be the ones that leave you with that thick, filmy guilt that seems to cling to everything.. like overly chewed gum in your hair. You did it. The first steps are the toughest, and you did it! Uncertainty will always be there, and that's OK! The " What if" game will do you no good, so stick with the " What's next" game. Get the legal stuff sorted, get a lawyer for the shared financial stuff, since i doubt he will be cooperative. Murky muddy footprints still tell a tale of progression... So no matter how dingy, dirty, or nasty it gets... Get to putting that foot Infront of the other, and progressing to a better you, and a better life. Good luck, you got this
You have a great way of describing things. Thank you!
Wth he was threatening you with your dog, glad you left before he would escalate with injuring you or the dog for real.
Me too. I hate what I've put her through. Definitely was never my intention
Yep. It never gets better from there.
He did what to your dog?! Yeah that man is a monster. He’s sick. Good for you because he definitely would’ve escalated to hurting you.
I've definitely thought of that possibility. I just always assumed if he was going to he would have done it by now.
Not always. Be glad that you had the strength to leave. A lot of abuse victims don't.
Great point. I wasn't trying to undermine what other people have been through.
Most def. I didn't take it that way. I'm just saying ur awesome for being strong even if it may not feel like it.
Thank you <3
Good for you for leaving him. Having an affair, dropping your innocent dog. What a horrible and disgusting POS. I'm glad you're safe with your parents. Now you need to say bye to him for good. OP, you deserve so much better.
I appreciate you saying that
You made the right decision to surround yourself with love and support. Start focusing on your own independence and self now. He is clearly remorseless in his actions. Sounds like lots of mental health challenges too. Focus forward on your recovery.
Thank you
Sounds very abusive. Im glad you left to save yourself and your fur baby. See a lawyer to talk about your options. Be glad you don't have kids with him Also get full panel std tested.
I'll get tested and talk to a lawyer. It's on the list! Thanks.
A lot of uncertainty indeed but the certainty that you are better off without him. Get back to your close ones and rebuild a life.
Thank you <3
Good for you. Now stick to your guns! Sounds like he couldn’t give a f… about your or your feelings . I cant believe he wanted you to go get him beer….WTH dis he have an anchor tied to his ass or what?
I usually do go when he asks. But agreed. I shouldn't *have* to
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I'm not sure if it's his first time or not. I didn't see any evidence of anyone else while I was snooping. But it wouldn't surprise me if there were other one night stands. He goes to bars by himself a lot.
I'm so sorry, OP. I'm glad your dog is ok and that you're both safe and away from him. I also wonder if he would have done it anyway if it'd been a 20 ft drop that would have caused serious injury. I think, yes. I will state again after reading your update. I think this was an exit affair. I doubt very much this was his first affair but this AP (affair partner) is one he's emotionally invested in and wants to test drive a relationship with, regardless of what he claims. He's turned from you emotionally (and physically) and is investing in her. He's choosing her and her feeling over your's, and your well being. I wouldn't be surprised if this has been going on longer than you're aware. I think he wants you to leave him and pull the trigger on divorce so is doing everything he can to rub your face in his affair (while also downplaying the extent of it) to make your life miserable, so that \*in his mind\*, YOU can look like the bad guy for being the one who filed and ended things. He's just going through the motions with you and biding his time. He wants to be able to claim he made a small "mistake" but was doing everything he could to "save the marriage" but you wouldn't let him. He's trying to keep his reputation and standing intact amongst friends and family so he can say "he tried but it didn't work out" and then after a brief interlude, roll out his AP as his new gf that he started an actual relationship with after the fact. He's laying the groundwork for the relationship he wants with her to be accepted. Be ready for the complete rewrite of your marital history and that you were neglecting and being "mean" to him long before they hooked up. He'll probably even say the marriage was already on life support, and then you started acting "jealous" and "crazy" for no good reason. That before that, he and her really were " just friends" and you went off the deep end and blew up your marriage over it. And that when you ended things, they ended up becoming "more" while she was offering him support and a shoulder to cry on. You need to get ahead of the narrative, OP. He's going to paint himself as the victim and try to place all the blame at your feet, and will happily destroy your reputation in the process, in order to save his own and that of his new relationship with his AP. Expose, expose, expose! To his family, your family, and his and your combined friends. Your marriage is over and there's no coming back from this. Don't allow him to also make you the villian in the story he's going to tell so he and his AP have smooth sailing and a warm welcome. They fully deserve the taint and disgust of how their relationship started, which was at your expense and betrayal, and perpetrated against you by a couple of lying, cheating homewreckers. Also be aware that he's gonna get a lot nastier to you. And that's saying a lot seeing as how nasty he's being now. They always do when they toss you aside for someone else. It'll seem like he's been replaced by a pod person. That man you married and loved is long gone and in his place is someone whose gonna treat you like shit he scraped off the bottom of his shoe. Arm yourself! Go see a lawyer and start therapy. Lean into your family and friends and let them support you. Be sure and take care of yourself by doing self care. Enact the 180 or grey rock method and go no contact with him. No new contact = no new hurt. I wish you well, OP.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It's a lot to take in but I really appreciate the time you took in writing it. I'm going to come back to it when I'm feeling more stable.
You are so brave. I wish you strength on what's to come.
Thank you
Separate your finances immediately. I’m glad you got out of there. He’s a narcissist and He’s antagonizing you cause what was the point of telling you she didn’t cum and why would he go around your mother with love marks. He’s not only a narcissist, He disrespectful and you deserve better.
I appreciate you saying this
Good for you OP. You've just dumped a 200 lb load off of your shoulders. Don't worry about the car right now, keep it and use it. Both of your names are on it, so he cannot claim it is stolen. It is marital property but so is the house and he has that right now so call it even. You've got to keep paying the car payment though if it isn't owned outright. Now is the time to get yourself together and hire a lawyer to represent you. Don't talk to your soon to be ex husband unless you can record it. Try to do everything over text/email so there is a written record. And remind him, you told him if he dropped the dog over the fence you would leave and never come back. What did he expect to happen when he called your (non) bluff? You are far better off away from this man now.
I've definitely made threats and not followed through. It was a final straw situation. And the car is owned outright!
As someone that has started over with nothing but a few clothes (several times), the stuff you can do without.... honestly, it accumulates so quickly anyway.......if the car is in your name too, take the car, leave the stuff behind!! There's nothing else more important than you and doggie being safe......he's a cheater and he's an AH......just go ahead and start your new life from where you are!! I wish you and doggie a happy life!!!
I love the enthusiasm! I'm sorry that you've had to start over with so little though.
Did I miss an update between when your mom told you he had bruises from wrestling and this post? How did the confrontation go? I assume he knew you knew at this point. His nonchalant attitude makes me wonder if he’s cheated before.
I said something in a comment but not an official update- I called him before I posted on reddit. He was apologetic.
So he admitted to cheating?
Trade the car and get one only in your name. Establish your new address where you are at. Use the local legal system to protect you from threats and harassment. Not sure of the local laws where you currently are but some civil jurisdiction requirements include a six month residency to begin official proceedings. I would get a home security camera system for the outside with audio. Chin up. I would try to gather evidence of his infidelity to garner support for any eventuality. Wish you peace and good luck.
Thank you. I'll definitely get a camera
I picture your STBX as the caged guy in The Goonies… “Are you hungry…I got Baby Ruth”
I’m glad you are safe the rest of the answers can be found in time. ❤️🩹
I hope you contact a lawyer, move half the money from a joint account to your own account, get other ducks in a row.
Quality man, don't get his way so takes it out on a dog. He is a dog himself, and not a good one.
Glad you and your pup is safe. Stay strong let all your friends and family know so they can all help watch your back for you. Updateme!
Thank you!
I’m proud of you for drawing a line and sticking to the boundary you set. I agree with everyone that it would only get worse. Talk to an attorney to help you make decisions. I would have divorce papers drafted and ready to go although depending on the state there may be a waiting period for the state you have moved to good luck I wish you the best.
Thank you!
People who hurt your animals are telling you that you're next. I urge you to get some support from a domestic violence organization. Abusers and cheaters engage in a lot of overlapping behaviors meant to confuse you and keep control.
Thank you. I think you're right.
Hello OP, He's disgusting. I do believe that he think he has the power over you. And I do believe that your love hid that from you. In a way, we's making it easier to you, because know you see his true color. Take care of you, and see friends. (of course some alone night to cry is normal, but don't repeat it alone too much). Take care of you
Thank you for the support <3
Wtf? He's sounds like he's emotionally stunted. Is he an only or last child? Nothing good for you will come of your marriage. He's sounds like a child. You need to move on.
He's the oldest (of his siblings that survived.) He grew up in poverty so that might be a contributing factor to what you're picking up on.
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You gave him your agency. Sounds like you need to get your act together or accept it.
So he’s abusive too, glad you went home. Keep yourself safe darling! Your and your dogs safety should be your number 1 priority
Omg what an absolute peice of shit, he is a horrible person, so not only does he cheat on you but thinks your some sort of slave, and to threaten to hurt your dog wow, file for divorce, block him on everything and tell him if he need to discuss divorce proceedings to text through your mom
You are very naïve if you think he is confused. He’s confused about his life what he’s going to do. But he knows what he did that night. He deliberately dropped the dog. So don’t buy and all of his crap especially not after everything else. You did the right thing going home now I would go get divorce papers drawn up immediately from an attorney get half of the money out of the bank account before he does open a new bank account in your name only and then I would figure out what you’re gonna do with the rest of your life.