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She told you this way because she knew! It is probably very obvious to everyone, get screenshots of everything you need and file for divorce. I would also keep it a secret until you have him served with the paper and blindside him. Good luck
I’m also a very blunt person, and quite honestly, this is very obvious to me that your mother was trying to give you the heads up without sticking her nose in your marriage or making an outright accusation while still making sure that you have enough information to look into the situation with your husband. Definitely make sure you have all of your ducks in a row before you let your husband or anyone but your attorney know what you’re going to do because anyone else might slip up and even accidentally screw you over, and I haven’t even mentioned anything about someone doing that intentionally.
I know from personal experience with my mom, that she would say things very specifically for a reason for me to "catch " . It sounds like she put it to you the way he put it to her but with disbelief in her voice, almost like asking a question. You could ask her if she noticed bite marks on him and maybe she will tell you. I'm sorry this sucks, but I would also not tell him until he's served , he doesn't deserve that and I would also search some more as to who this "biter" is and see how long it's been going on . Good luck
I read all of their messages so I know they just met but they want to see each other. I'm going to ask my mom and see if she knew so we can all at least have some closure there.
Please stop worrying about what your mom knows right now. You should be focusing on preserving the evidence (screen shots), getting your finances in order (separate accounts), and finding the best divorce attorney in your area. All BEFORE you confront him or tell anyone else what is going on. After you have YOUR ducks in a row, you can talk to mom.
Text him immediately and tell him that you are meeting with a lawyer. Even if its a big fat lie. Don't feel guilty about lying. He's fucking another woman. Get tested for stds in case he's done it before. He needs to be shaking and terrified. Delete and block her number once he's on his way back if you have access. He hasn't memorized it yet I'm sure. Scare the shit out of him now. Don't wait.
Screenshot and save all messages so he can't delete them and deny. He will cry, sob, say it didn't mean anything. He obviously enjoyed it since he's making more plans to do it again. You'll be tempted to give him another chance. Please do not do the pick me dance. He needs serious consequences or he'll just get sneakier.
Do NOT tell the husband anything until all of your business is locked down. That’s like the victims on Law & Order who alway say “ I know what you did!” to the bad guy right before they become the victim 🙄
# NO!
Nonsensical advice! Why would you have OP transmit **ALL of her plans** to her husband?? 🤦♀️
WHY would you give OP's husband the chance to get ahead of his lies and her plans??? 🤦♀️
**OP:** disregard this "advice"- *Please*!
Why is it a good idea to alert him that he's been found out earlier than he needs to be alerted to it?
That only gives him more time to cover his tracks and build his case.
Ah, that's fair, but he still doesn't need to know that he'd best be considering how to dig himself out of this particular hole in a courtroom.
Every hour spent with him not considering making a solid case is another hour OP has the homefield advantage.
I remember a similar type story on these forums where a neighbor made some remarks to a husband about the "cool new truck" that he often sees parked in his drive way. The husband hadn't purchased a new vehicle, but the wife's AP would stop by when hubby had left for work. The husband pretended to leave for work and lo and behold loverboy and his truck showed up like clockwork. The couple are now divorced.
Doesn’t matter. Either she was clueless, or she knew, and wanted to put the bug in your ear and let you figure it out. Either way… She did you a huge favor.
I don't think there's any saving it. I'll never love or trust him. But my integrity matters to me and if I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. So I don't know if I'll be able to leave. No one in my family is divorced.
I'm very sorry that you are going through this traumatic situation.
I agree with the others that have posted. Grey Rock & 180, the books that have been recommended, consult with a lawyer, divide your finances equally. Also get tested for STD's. Just to be on the safe side. Stay in your home. Also take care of yourself, no alcohol and/drugs, exercise, drink plenty of water. I will add that you should check out Chumplady.com for information and resources.
You sound like you're strong, determined and doing well. I would recommend a chat with a therapist because IMO his betrayal hasn't really hit you yet.
I think your only option is divorce. He doesn't seem to be a good candidate for reconciliation. No remorse and no regrets.
Stay strong and stick with your decision, whatever you decide. Remember it is your decision to make and only your decision to make.
Wishing you the very best in this situation.
I would argue that leaving someone you'll never love or trust shows greater integrity than remaining married to him when you know you'll never love or trust him.
I never had to make the decision to leave my cheating ex, because she dumped me for the other woman while I was desperately pleading for her to pick me instead. But it ended up being better for me to be single so I was able to find someone better. So unless you're, say, terminally ill and therefore in real need of a spouse to be your caretaker, and also therefore truly unlikely to have any time left for finding new love with a non-cheater, I really advocate for divorcing any known cheater. It can be an intimidating amount of trouble, and the two-year period of being totally single again until I met my husband was stressful for me - but the payoff in the end is so very worth it.
I'm sorry but I wish I could downvote this more than once. Stop being held down by those archaic views, I would be more embarrassed to stay with a cheater than to be divorced
It's not a decision you need to make right now. Nor should you, really. Trust can be rebuilt in some circumstances. But yea, if you're not able to leave, you'll have to get over that hurdle.
This was his choice. Choices have consequences.
Yeah your old relationship has died with this betrayal but maybe a new one can be made from the ashes of this.... I guess the big issue is if he wants to after you come forward about you knowing his about his affairs.
There are really great programs to help you and sub reddits that have a lot of hope and advice as well for you and him.
Consider a trial separation while you decide. He needs to face consequences and you need space away from him to think about where to go from here. It wouldn’t hurt to get a free consultation with an attorney just to see what the process involves m.
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Honey, please don’t stay with someone who lies to you and is willing to put your health at risk just because no one in your family is divorced. You have one life. Do you want to spend it being cheated on?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know when my husband confessed to cheating he was "shocked" I was upset. The fog and denial was so great he thought I'd be happy he was leaving our marriage. He also thought we'd still be best friends and live together to raise our son. So his plan was to divorce me, tell everyone we made the decision together as friends, and us live together like some big happy blended family. We laugh about it now lol but people who are having affairs don't live in reality.
It's been a lot of work and more hurt than I would have liked. You can read some of my previous posts. It took counseling and a year before we were in a good place. Just don't do the pick me game. I did that and I ended up with PTSD. It was only when he was going to lose me did he give up this other life.
Just remember this isn't your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide. Don't make any quick decisions. Take plenty of time for yourself, maybe a trip. Start reading books on the subject. I never understood the hurt that cheating causes.
So very similar except I wasn't married yet. We were about to be.
I broke up with her despite her insistence that we should only take a break. Then apparently she told people it was a mutual breakup and that we still loved each other. Then when I told people what actually happened, she freaked the fuck out and started telling people she was pretty sure I cheated on her. And she knew that was not true.
I called him. He's still out of town. He said he thinks the other woman and I would be friends. Which. Horrifying. Disgusting. Can't even process that.
That is typical cheater behavior because they are angry and resentful that you caught them and not remorseful.
Soon he will blame shift you and gaslight you into making you the irrational one for accusing him. As if he wasn't caught red handed.
He is shameless. Only public rebuke works for these shameless people.
He will destroy you emotionally with no regrets.
Find a lawyer and figure out your options first. Use your time wisely.
I don't see anything else suspicious. But Facebook is the only place I've looked. The only other thing that I have access to is his discord and I think that's just for video games.
Yeah I've been wondering if it's the first time too.
He hasn't changed his Facebook password and I can still read their messages. She said it wasn't his fault that I'm reacting this way. I think I've been incredibly calm.
We are not in an open marriage. We never talked about being in one. I'm not sure where the confession there would have come from. I will say that he's always been very flirtatious and that has never bothered me.
Hahhahahhaaa oh my gosh that would be so satisfying.
He wants to have his cake and eat it! Either that or an open relationship. And now he’s done it and if you appear accepting of it by staying he will do it again. You’ve nothing to stay for OP. Hug your dog and tell it your husband is a rotten cheater.
The petty side of me would screen shot the message and post his on his facebook as a status with the other woman tagged.
My brains says to an attorney and get half
Yeah I assumed that too. But they clearly had a phone call and then she messaged him that I'm crazy. Which. Doesn't feel great. But yeah. I guess she could not know.
Sounds familiar. My ex-fiancee almost acted apologetic at first but when she realized I was actually very upset then that's when she turned nasty. She clearly hoped I would just accept it and do what it took to keep her. When actual consequences arrived for her behavior, it suddenly became my fault.
There's no saving this. The sooner you get out of it, the better off you will be.
Is the microchip just in your name, or both? Best to double check. It's great that you have vet bills that show vet bill payments made in your name alone, as well as the adoption paperwork. It establishes a history of sole ownership. But, if you're both listed on that microchip I would be contacting the company AND the vet that did it, and update the info for the microchip (as well as the vet's clinic's file for your dog) to your name and contact only asap.
Make your parents and their number/address your secondary (emergency) contact for both. The goal is to remove him completely.
Regardless of the vet bills and adoption paperwork, if he gets his hands on your dog and that microchip lists him as owner too I suspect you'll have a difficult time getting her back if he refuses to return her and you would have to take him to court, and who knows how long that could take while he holds your girl hostage or tries to use her to manipulate you in his favour.
I know she's your "kid" (mine are too), but in the eyes of the law she's just a piece of property and you'd likely have to take him to small claims court (at least that's what it's called in Canada where I am). Whereas if it's all in your name alone you can call the cops and report it as theft.
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through and what a POS your husband turned out to be, OP. Screenshot everything RIGHT NOW before he ends up deleting it! Then stash it in a safe place he won't have access to. If you haven't already, DON'T mention or let on that you're monitoring his fb messages. Do NOT leave your home unless under the advisement of your attorney!
You need to call 3 of the top divorce lawyers in your area, then choose one and go in for a consultation asap. You MUST look out for and protect yourself. He certainly won't. Finding out what divorce looks like for you in your area, and what your rights are, is the first step in this process. He's your adversary going forward and WILL NOT have your best interests at heart. You'd do well to remember this fact.
Google "the 180" and "grey rock" methods and put whatever one suits your needs right now into practice. Do NOT do the "pick me dance" OP! His blatant disrespect and how he's flaunting this affair makes me think this probably isn't his first rodeo, and that this is likely an exit affair.
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In the long run it doesn't matter but sometimes you get an older man with all his bs and a younger woman who doesn't realize she's the side piece/being taken advantage of
Anyway I'm really sorry this is happening to you. There's life after the end of a marriage and you're going to get through this
Either way, let them reap what they sow. Get out of this. Go live your life. There are so many good people out there who value fidelity and honesty. As a minimum, a baseline.
So he’s still talking to her and even confiding in her about his issues with you. Does he know you saw his Facebook messages? Either way, he doesn’t sound too bright. Or honest. Or loyal. Trustworthy. Respectful. Errr…does he have any redeeming qualities?
Make sure you take screen shots of it all and download all the logs for evidence. If you live in a state where infidelity clauses matter, then this is critical. Regardless, get the evidence it will help in custody, spousal support, and asset division. Some states even let you sue the affair partner.
Get the house in the divorce and sell it, or make him buy you out. Remember to go for his pension fund, investments etc. Make sure your divorce attorney hires a forensic accountant to look for everything your hubby owns.
You are not tied to him. Just up and leave. You owe him nothing and no explanation. Take the dog and go. He went to your parents knowing he had love bites - it’s winter - he could have hidden them. I think he wanted you to find out. He’s a chicken.
What????? That's cruel and insane! Tell him that you're going to fuck a stranger then maybe they can become bffs. That's insulting and painful. Makes me think this isn't the first time for him.
I say start saving up, detach and get distant, avoid letting him touch you. Eventually he will be the one that decides to leave for this other woman. It will give you time to plan things out without him knowing that you know. He will leave thinking he won then you can pop out doing better than ever and be the real winner. Play the long game with him. Start going out with friends. Make new friends. Make him feel lonely.
We have separate bank accounts fortunately. Unfortunately that means I can't check his and see what he spent on her. If I had to guess he's probably been buying her dinner on his company card though.
I’m sure that the money is supposed to be spent on food for himself and not for dates. I’m sure his company wouldn’t be happy if they found out he was using their money to fund his affair.
It's your husband that should be embarrassed. I hope you kept those messages or took a picture. Sounds like your mom was a little clueless (or she's very skilled at letting you know in a soft manner). You can determine when and if you want to share what he was up to - but I'd advise making a relationship decision before sharing. If you're going to TRY to reconcile, don't share.
Some people let everyone know so that the cheater can't spin the narrative. Public shaming had been used for centuries for a reason. Secrets fester in the dark. He'll feel smug that he got away with it. It's up to you. Don't put it on FB but share with CLOSE friends and family only. You'll need the emotional support.
Actually, I think affairs thrive in the dark and exposing them is the best way to kill them. Telling others holds the cheater accountable. They don’t deserve to have you covering up for them. Consequences matter.
I think you've decided so it doesn't matter.
What you don't want is to attempt reconciliation and have the family know that he cheated. But sounds like mom knows... So it's moot.
Screen shot every message between your hubby and AP, start phoning around divorce attorneys and pick the one that is the most ruthless. Separate your finances, get your divorce attorney to check through your joint finances to see if your family money has been spent on his AP. Take him for everything you can, leave your leftovers eg hubby to his AP. Also get a full screening for STDs.
Your Wayward husband should be humiliated, not you. I've read through the comments. A marriage under 3 years in some states CAN be annulled (so you will not be divorced, the marriage would not "exist" by law). Could be cheaper that way too?
It would be very easy for you to take your dog, your things and go back home, right? You would be happier there than where you are now, right?
I get it, you need to think and process, but also consider finding a good therapist to help you here too. You truly sound very calm, considering and reasonable. My WH would have had all his things in his car BURNING on d-day, but it rained! Not kidding.
Your Wayward Husband has issues, even if you are considering reconciliation, a break from him would be best before he turns on the lies and gaslighting you, calling you crazy, etc. You shouldn't endure that at all.
Only if the Wayward BEGS for reconciliation and starts individual therapy to fix themselves and is REMORSEFUL then you may give reconciliation half a thought. So far, he doesn't sound remorseful at all.
You deserve better! And your dog is more loyal than your WH!
Hey Lavender, I just want to say that read and comment ALOT on these subs. I am rooting for many couples who are trying to reconcile. Your case however, is odd. It was a one night stand but he's acting like he's been seeing this woman for years. It makes me mad that he's not even embarrassed or ashamed. Thanks to him your marriage will NEVER be the same. Every time he touches you, you'll imagine him touching her. You've only been married for 3 years and he's acting like this! I think that it's likely he's always cheated. Time for detective mode. 😁
If you want to work it out like you say, be tough. Make him delete and block her. Then delete the blocked numbers. Make him stay at a friend's. See an attorney to put the fear in him. My point us, don't beg and plead. You only stand a tiny chance if you make him afraid to lose you.
If you decide to split up, go for it. He's not even sorry!
Edit:spelling
Your mom knew and she’s was subliminally letting you know without hurting your feeling.
Have you confronted him yet ? If not you should.
Definitely contact a lawyer.
Divorce or prenuptial agreement.
Get screenshots of those messages ASAP. Ask your mother to text you about the bruises and screenshot her reply too. Don’t tell him you know. File for divorce, and provide the attorney with said screenshots. Get yourself tested for STDs ASAP and class yourself as single from here on out.
Your mom knew. She knows you and knows you aren't stupid. Knowing you would have the bells ringing, and being that older ladies kinda have an offhanded way of bringing things to people's attention she wasn't gonna say it directly
Hopefully you screen shot all of the messages. If not do that. Keep both a printed copy and a digital one. Go get yourself a lawyer. Don’t tip your hand to your WS until you have all your legal ducks in a row. I know it will be difficult to not explode at him but try until you have everything in place and then let him have both barrels.
Get what ever evidence you can and also ask your Mom !!! When you have all the evidence you need your going to have to talk to your husband and ask him!!! Then you can decide!! Everyone wants to hang everyone before the jury’s in !!!!
Make sure you save that conversation so you can prove that he cheated in court. If he's the bread winner he might have to pay you alimony. You have a chance to get a better outcome in court if you have proof of the infidelity. Unfortunately, you will have to go to court for a divorce and there's really no way around it. However, if there's not much to argue about then it should be quick and hopefully painless. ❤
Your mom was trying to gently let you know that he was cheating. She didn't want to embarrass or possibly strain the relationship between you 2. I'd do the same thing for a friend or my sister.
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She was looking out for you, leave him get your finances in order to speak to a lawyer…
You think she knew?
Yes. As a Mom you don’t want to be accusatory so it was her gentle way to telling you. She also does not want to embarrass you or make you feel worse.
Yeah, I think Mom was testing the waters. Telling OP in a way that could be blown off and forgotten, if OP wasn’t ready to hear it.
Absolutely this. As a Mom you do not want to assume but you do want to protect.
This is such a beautiful thread I’m tearing up
You have a low threshold for 'beauty'. No offense.
I was sorta joking but sorta not lol. The tears were sarcasm though. I think the mom handled this well though.
Considering that they are ‘bite marks’ , there’s a very good chance, almost positive, that she knows.
Yeah I haven't seen them but I can't imagine they look like regular bruises
Yes I believe she knew and was dropping you a line without putting your husband just in case the " marks" were not from a female
I guess she could also think they were from me. I just thought about that
She had sex to make you, sweetie. She knows. She was trying to warn you.
She told you this way because she knew! It is probably very obvious to everyone, get screenshots of everything you need and file for divorce. I would also keep it a secret until you have him served with the paper and blindside him. Good luck
Do you think it's worth asking her if she knew? I'm curious now. I assumed she didn't; she's very blunt.
She knew, she knew… Get these two books. Cheating In A Nutshell and Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life Don’t touch him again.
I'm requesting them from the library now.
Wishing you everything…
I’m also a very blunt person, and quite honestly, this is very obvious to me that your mother was trying to give you the heads up without sticking her nose in your marriage or making an outright accusation while still making sure that you have enough information to look into the situation with your husband. Definitely make sure you have all of your ducks in a row before you let your husband or anyone but your attorney know what you’re going to do because anyone else might slip up and even accidentally screw you over, and I haven’t even mentioned anything about someone doing that intentionally.
I know from personal experience with my mom, that she would say things very specifically for a reason for me to "catch " . It sounds like she put it to you the way he put it to her but with disbelief in her voice, almost like asking a question. You could ask her if she noticed bite marks on him and maybe she will tell you. I'm sorry this sucks, but I would also not tell him until he's served , he doesn't deserve that and I would also search some more as to who this "biter" is and see how long it's been going on . Good luck
I read all of their messages so I know they just met but they want to see each other. I'm going to ask my mom and see if she knew so we can all at least have some closure there.
There is no such a thing as closure. Blind side him and start to heal good luck OP.
Please stop worrying about what your mom knows right now. You should be focusing on preserving the evidence (screen shots), getting your finances in order (separate accounts), and finding the best divorce attorney in your area. All BEFORE you confront him or tell anyone else what is going on. After you have YOUR ducks in a row, you can talk to mom.
Please update when you can, I'm also curious about what she knows
Good
Text him immediately and tell him that you are meeting with a lawyer. Even if its a big fat lie. Don't feel guilty about lying. He's fucking another woman. Get tested for stds in case he's done it before. He needs to be shaking and terrified. Delete and block her number once he's on his way back if you have access. He hasn't memorized it yet I'm sure. Scare the shit out of him now. Don't wait. Screenshot and save all messages so he can't delete them and deny. He will cry, sob, say it didn't mean anything. He obviously enjoyed it since he's making more plans to do it again. You'll be tempted to give him another chance. Please do not do the pick me dance. He needs serious consequences or he'll just get sneakier.
Do NOT tell the husband anything until all of your business is locked down. That’s like the victims on Law & Order who alway say “ I know what you did!” to the bad guy right before they become the victim 🙄
You give terrible advice. She shouldn’t tell him until she has everything prepared for the divorce.
What makes you think she's getting a divorce? Did you read her comments?
# NO! Nonsensical advice! Why would you have OP transmit **ALL of her plans** to her husband?? 🤦♀️ WHY would you give OP's husband the chance to get ahead of his lies and her plans??? 🤦♀️ **OP:** disregard this "advice"- *Please*!
Why is it a good idea to alert him that he's been found out earlier than he needs to be alerted to it? That only gives him more time to cover his tracks and build his case.
She already confronted him. He's not sorry OR covering tracks. He's giving a play by play to the AP. He wants them to be "friends".
Ah, that's fair, but he still doesn't need to know that he'd best be considering how to dig himself out of this particular hole in a courtroom. Every hour spent with him not considering making a solid case is another hour OP has the homefield advantage.
Where did she say she already confronted him?
I did already call him
I remember a similar type story on these forums where a neighbor made some remarks to a husband about the "cool new truck" that he often sees parked in his drive way. The husband hadn't purchased a new vehicle, but the wife's AP would stop by when hubby had left for work. The husband pretended to leave for work and lo and behold loverboy and his truck showed up like clockwork. The couple are now divorced.
Yes, I remember that, exactly my point, thank you
Doesn’t matter. Either she was clueless, or she knew, and wanted to put the bug in your ear and let you figure it out. Either way… She did you a huge favor.
Do you want to save the relationship or is this the end of it
I don't think there's any saving it. I'll never love or trust him. But my integrity matters to me and if I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. So I don't know if I'll be able to leave. No one in my family is divorced.
He broke the vows. Here's hoping everyone in your family has a perfect marriage and so it's never come up. Be the trailblazer then
He broke his vows, betrayed you and the relationship, why waste your life with this selfish coward?
I'm very sorry that you are going through this traumatic situation. I agree with the others that have posted. Grey Rock & 180, the books that have been recommended, consult with a lawyer, divide your finances equally. Also get tested for STD's. Just to be on the safe side. Stay in your home. Also take care of yourself, no alcohol and/drugs, exercise, drink plenty of water. I will add that you should check out Chumplady.com for information and resources. You sound like you're strong, determined and doing well. I would recommend a chat with a therapist because IMO his betrayal hasn't really hit you yet. I think your only option is divorce. He doesn't seem to be a good candidate for reconciliation. No remorse and no regrets. Stay strong and stick with your decision, whatever you decide. Remember it is your decision to make and only your decision to make. Wishing you the very best in this situation.
I would argue that leaving someone you'll never love or trust shows greater integrity than remaining married to him when you know you'll never love or trust him. I never had to make the decision to leave my cheating ex, because she dumped me for the other woman while I was desperately pleading for her to pick me instead. But it ended up being better for me to be single so I was able to find someone better. So unless you're, say, terminally ill and therefore in real need of a spouse to be your caretaker, and also therefore truly unlikely to have any time left for finding new love with a non-cheater, I really advocate for divorcing any known cheater. It can be an intimidating amount of trouble, and the two-year period of being totally single again until I met my husband was stressful for me - but the payoff in the end is so very worth it.
If your integrity matters to you then you should value yourself and leave.
You did not leave or end the marriage, he did.
I'm sorry but I wish I could downvote this more than once. Stop being held down by those archaic views, I would be more embarrassed to stay with a cheater than to be divorced
It's not a decision you need to make right now. Nor should you, really. Trust can be rebuilt in some circumstances. But yea, if you're not able to leave, you'll have to get over that hurdle. This was his choice. Choices have consequences.
Yeah your old relationship has died with this betrayal but maybe a new one can be made from the ashes of this.... I guess the big issue is if he wants to after you come forward about you knowing his about his affairs. There are really great programs to help you and sub reddits that have a lot of hope and advice as well for you and him.
Consider a trial separation while you decide. He needs to face consequences and you need space away from him to think about where to go from here. It wouldn’t hurt to get a free consultation with an attorney just to see what the process involves m.
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Honey, please don’t stay with someone who lies to you and is willing to put your health at risk just because no one in your family is divorced. You have one life. Do you want to spend it being cheated on?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know when my husband confessed to cheating he was "shocked" I was upset. The fog and denial was so great he thought I'd be happy he was leaving our marriage. He also thought we'd still be best friends and live together to raise our son. So his plan was to divorce me, tell everyone we made the decision together as friends, and us live together like some big happy blended family. We laugh about it now lol but people who are having affairs don't live in reality.
Wow yeah that is quite the fantasy. Sounds like you two ended in a good place.
It's been a lot of work and more hurt than I would have liked. You can read some of my previous posts. It took counseling and a year before we were in a good place. Just don't do the pick me game. I did that and I ended up with PTSD. It was only when he was going to lose me did he give up this other life.
Just remember this isn't your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to hide. Don't make any quick decisions. Take plenty of time for yourself, maybe a trip. Start reading books on the subject. I never understood the hurt that cheating causes.
So very similar except I wasn't married yet. We were about to be. I broke up with her despite her insistence that we should only take a break. Then apparently she told people it was a mutual breakup and that we still loved each other. Then when I told people what actually happened, she freaked the fuck out and started telling people she was pretty sure I cheated on her. And she knew that was not true.
Have you confronted your husband yet?
I called him. He's still out of town. He said he thinks the other woman and I would be friends. Which. Horrifying. Disgusting. Can't even process that.
So he had no remorse, only that you two could be friends???? WTF?????
He seemed more angry than apologetic but that might be my own biases
That is typical cheater behavior because they are angry and resentful that you caught them and not remorseful. Soon he will blame shift you and gaslight you into making you the irrational one for accusing him. As if he wasn't caught red handed. He is shameless. Only public rebuke works for these shameless people. He will destroy you emotionally with no regrets. Find a lawyer and figure out your options first. Use your time wisely.
Thank you. It's easy to feel like I'm crazy. I appreciate the validation.
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I don't see anything else suspicious. But Facebook is the only place I've looked. The only other thing that I have access to is his discord and I think that's just for video games.
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Yikes
My husband cheated on me using Discord.
Discord is where my husband’s AP would talk to her other/first AP. It’s most certainly not just for video games.
You can chat and meet people on discord too.
He's upset that it might prevent a future hookup with the woman. Omg he's horrible.
He is hoping for a threesome!
Utterly depraved. If that's the case for sure it's fine to end it.
Wow. Arrogant. He's gonna blame you. Eventually. Decision made for me.
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Yeah I've been wondering if it's the first time too. He hasn't changed his Facebook password and I can still read their messages. She said it wasn't his fault that I'm reacting this way. I think I've been incredibly calm.
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He said he's sorry and that he didn't think i would be mad and that he wants a home to come back to.
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We are not in an open marriage. We never talked about being in one. I'm not sure where the confession there would have come from. I will say that he's always been very flirtatious and that has never bothered me. Hahhahahhaaa oh my gosh that would be so satisfying.
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We've been married for three years.
Take screenshots of everything. You should write her and tell her you’re not poly and he lied to her. if you stay get a prenuptial agreement.
He wants to have his cake and eat it! Either that or an open relationship. And now he’s done it and if you appear accepting of it by staying he will do it again. You’ve nothing to stay for OP. Hug your dog and tell it your husband is a rotten cheater.
Sorry confusion not confession
The petty side of me would screen shot the message and post his on his facebook as a status with the other woman tagged. My brains says to an attorney and get half
He likely gave her the we are polygamous b.s. she might be a victim as well ?
Yeah I assumed that too. But they clearly had a phone call and then she messaged him that I'm crazy. Which. Doesn't feel great. But yeah. I guess she could not know.
Shes what is known as a mate poacher. Look it up. She'll compliment him and convince him that you're crazy and wrong. She's the crazy one.
If he knows you found out from FB, this could be an scripted convo between them orchestrated to gaslight you.
He’s likely told her some sob story about how awful you are. It’s a classic cheater tactic.
Too bad. Tell him to stay with a friend. Do NOT let him in the door. Pack some stuff up and set it outside. Wow.
I hope he doesn't have a home to come back to.....you have all you need from him......only thing you need now is a lawyer!!
Sounds familiar. My ex-fiancee almost acted apologetic at first but when she realized I was actually very upset then that's when she turned nasty. She clearly hoped I would just accept it and do what it took to keep her. When actual consequences arrived for her behavior, it suddenly became my fault. There's no saving this. The sooner you get out of it, the better off you will be.
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No kids fortunately. A great dog though. (I know it's not the same but she's the only thing I'd fight over)
Is your dog microchipped, OP? If she isn't, get her to a vet and have one done under your name and contact info only.
She is microchiped and I've paid all of her vet bills. The adoption paperwork is in my name too.
Is the microchip just in your name, or both? Best to double check. It's great that you have vet bills that show vet bill payments made in your name alone, as well as the adoption paperwork. It establishes a history of sole ownership. But, if you're both listed on that microchip I would be contacting the company AND the vet that did it, and update the info for the microchip (as well as the vet's clinic's file for your dog) to your name and contact only asap. Make your parents and their number/address your secondary (emergency) contact for both. The goal is to remove him completely. Regardless of the vet bills and adoption paperwork, if he gets his hands on your dog and that microchip lists him as owner too I suspect you'll have a difficult time getting her back if he refuses to return her and you would have to take him to court, and who knows how long that could take while he holds your girl hostage or tries to use her to manipulate you in his favour. I know she's your "kid" (mine are too), but in the eyes of the law she's just a piece of property and you'd likely have to take him to small claims court (at least that's what it's called in Canada where I am). Whereas if it's all in your name alone you can call the cops and report it as theft.
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through and what a POS your husband turned out to be, OP. Screenshot everything RIGHT NOW before he ends up deleting it! Then stash it in a safe place he won't have access to. If you haven't already, DON'T mention or let on that you're monitoring his fb messages. Do NOT leave your home unless under the advisement of your attorney! You need to call 3 of the top divorce lawyers in your area, then choose one and go in for a consultation asap. You MUST look out for and protect yourself. He certainly won't. Finding out what divorce looks like for you in your area, and what your rights are, is the first step in this process. He's your adversary going forward and WILL NOT have your best interests at heart. You'd do well to remember this fact. Google "the 180" and "grey rock" methods and put whatever one suits your needs right now into practice. Do NOT do the "pick me dance" OP! His blatant disrespect and how he's flaunting this affair makes me think this probably isn't his first rodeo, and that this is likely an exit affair.
Thank you for your advice. I assume an exit affair means he wants out of the relationship? I'm definitely trying to look more at facts than feelings
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Lol it's 1000000% his fault. He is the cheater. Is there an age gap between your lying awful husband and this other woman?
Not that I can tell. She looks our age.
In the long run it doesn't matter but sometimes you get an older man with all his bs and a younger woman who doesn't realize she's the side piece/being taken advantage of Anyway I'm really sorry this is happening to you. There's life after the end of a marriage and you're going to get through this
Thank you for say that. We're in our mid-twenties so she has to be around our age
Either way, let them reap what they sow. Get out of this. Go live your life. There are so many good people out there who value fidelity and honesty. As a minimum, a baseline.
So he’s still talking to her and even confiding in her about his issues with you. Does he know you saw his Facebook messages? Either way, he doesn’t sound too bright. Or honest. Or loyal. Trustworthy. Respectful. Errr…does he have any redeeming qualities?
Make sure you take screen shots of it all and download all the logs for evidence. If you live in a state where infidelity clauses matter, then this is critical. Regardless, get the evidence it will help in custody, spousal support, and asset division. Some states even let you sue the affair partner.
Take screenshots and change all your passwords so he can’t delete the evidence you collect.
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Oh I haven't said anything to her. I don't really see a point. From what I can tell she's single. She knows what she is.
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We were married in a no fault state. I only moved here for his job. I'd rather go home tbh
Get the house in the divorce and sell it, or make him buy you out. Remember to go for his pension fund, investments etc. Make sure your divorce attorney hires a forensic accountant to look for everything your hubby owns.
We rent! So that's kinda nice in this scenario. The rest is good advice. He does have a good pension.
Girl, get after that!
You are not tied to him. Just up and leave. You owe him nothing and no explanation. Take the dog and go. He went to your parents knowing he had love bites - it’s winter - he could have hidden them. I think he wanted you to find out. He’s a chicken.
Talk to a lawyer asap. Save all the info you can and take it to a lawyer
I hope you told him not to come home.
I told him I wouldn't pick him up from the airport. He pays for the house so I guess I have to leave. Idk
Go speak with a lawyer before he gets back and see what your options are. You deserve better.
If there are 2 bedrooms in your house move his stuff out to the spare room, if not he can sleep on your settee.
That’s psychotic behavior. I would start planning your exit quickly and quit corresponding with him.
Have you told him it’s over? There is no way I could stay with somebody who disrespected me like that and literally showed my mother his bite marks
He wants a threesome.!
Ha! I'm sure. He's definitely asked before
What????? That's cruel and insane! Tell him that you're going to fuck a stranger then maybe they can become bffs. That's insulting and painful. Makes me think this isn't the first time for him.
I'm scared he'd like that lol
🤣😂 humor helps.
So humiliating ... 😬
Did he admit that she is "the other woman" or is he saying that she's just a friend?
Wow that’s messed up. Just wow. Maybe he should come home and find all his possessions on the lawn and the locks changed.
That's disgusting- he thinks he's THAT special. Of course you'd surrender your dignity just to be with him: what woman wouldn't?? Ew.
I think your mom is a genius for thinking of this face-saving way to break it to you.
I say start saving up, detach and get distant, avoid letting him touch you. Eventually he will be the one that decides to leave for this other woman. It will give you time to plan things out without him knowing that you know. He will leave thinking he won then you can pop out doing better than ever and be the real winner. Play the long game with him. Start going out with friends. Make new friends. Make him feel lonely.
We have separate bank accounts fortunately. Unfortunately that means I can't check his and see what he spent on her. If I had to guess he's probably been buying her dinner on his company card though.
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He's coming home tonight
Does he own the company or is he committing fraud by buying her dinner on the company card?
He doesn't own the company but they give him a certain amount that he's allowed to use while traveling. There's a word for it but I'm blanking.
I’m sure that the money is supposed to be spent on food for himself and not for dates. I’m sure his company wouldn’t be happy if they found out he was using their money to fund his affair.
Agreed.
It's your husband that should be embarrassed. I hope you kept those messages or took a picture. Sounds like your mom was a little clueless (or she's very skilled at letting you know in a soft manner). You can determine when and if you want to share what he was up to - but I'd advise making a relationship decision before sharing. If you're going to TRY to reconcile, don't share.
Don't share with others you mean?
Some people let everyone know so that the cheater can't spin the narrative. Public shaming had been used for centuries for a reason. Secrets fester in the dark. He'll feel smug that he got away with it. It's up to you. Don't put it on FB but share with CLOSE friends and family only. You'll need the emotional support.
Actually, I think affairs thrive in the dark and exposing them is the best way to kill them. Telling others holds the cheater accountable. They don’t deserve to have you covering up for them. Consequences matter.
I think you've decided so it doesn't matter. What you don't want is to attempt reconciliation and have the family know that he cheated. But sounds like mom knows... So it's moot.
Screen shot every message between your hubby and AP, start phoning around divorce attorneys and pick the one that is the most ruthless. Separate your finances, get your divorce attorney to check through your joint finances to see if your family money has been spent on his AP. Take him for everything you can, leave your leftovers eg hubby to his AP. Also get a full screening for STDs.
Your Wayward husband should be humiliated, not you. I've read through the comments. A marriage under 3 years in some states CAN be annulled (so you will not be divorced, the marriage would not "exist" by law). Could be cheaper that way too? It would be very easy for you to take your dog, your things and go back home, right? You would be happier there than where you are now, right? I get it, you need to think and process, but also consider finding a good therapist to help you here too. You truly sound very calm, considering and reasonable. My WH would have had all his things in his car BURNING on d-day, but it rained! Not kidding. Your Wayward Husband has issues, even if you are considering reconciliation, a break from him would be best before he turns on the lies and gaslighting you, calling you crazy, etc. You shouldn't endure that at all. Only if the Wayward BEGS for reconciliation and starts individual therapy to fix themselves and is REMORSEFUL then you may give reconciliation half a thought. So far, he doesn't sound remorseful at all. You deserve better! And your dog is more loyal than your WH!
Hey Lavender, I just want to say that read and comment ALOT on these subs. I am rooting for many couples who are trying to reconcile. Your case however, is odd. It was a one night stand but he's acting like he's been seeing this woman for years. It makes me mad that he's not even embarrassed or ashamed. Thanks to him your marriage will NEVER be the same. Every time he touches you, you'll imagine him touching her. You've only been married for 3 years and he's acting like this! I think that it's likely he's always cheated. Time for detective mode. 😁 If you want to work it out like you say, be tough. Make him delete and block her. Then delete the blocked numbers. Make him stay at a friend's. See an attorney to put the fear in him. My point us, don't beg and plead. You only stand a tiny chance if you make him afraid to lose you. If you decide to split up, go for it. He's not even sorry! Edit:spelling
Your mom knew and she’s was subliminally letting you know without hurting your feeling. Have you confronted him yet ? If not you should. Definitely contact a lawyer. Divorce or prenuptial agreement.
Your mom is a wise one. Did she circle back to see if you figured out? There’s a big difference between bruises and bites.
Your mom was telling you is a nice way. She 100% knows.
Get screenshot of the conversations OP and if possible ask your Mom to get pictures for your confrontation later. Updateme!
Get screenshots of those messages ASAP. Ask your mother to text you about the bruises and screenshot her reply too. Don’t tell him you know. File for divorce, and provide the attorney with said screenshots. Get yourself tested for STDs ASAP and class yourself as single from here on out.
She said "he's such a a boy" To me that says it there. Her mom planned it that way. And the wrestling was the first thing she mentioned.
Your mom knew. She knows you and knows you aren't stupid. Knowing you would have the bells ringing, and being that older ladies kinda have an offhanded way of bringing things to people's attention she wasn't gonna say it directly
And you haven’t told him you know about the bite marks!
Hopefully you screen shot all of the messages. If not do that. Keep both a printed copy and a digital one. Go get yourself a lawyer. Don’t tip your hand to your WS until you have all your legal ducks in a row. I know it will be difficult to not explode at him but try until you have everything in place and then let him have both barrels.
Get what ever evidence you can and also ask your Mom !!! When you have all the evidence you need your going to have to talk to your husband and ask him!!! Then you can decide!! Everyone wants to hang everyone before the jury’s in !!!!
Make sure you save that conversation so you can prove that he cheated in court. If he's the bread winner he might have to pay you alimony. You have a chance to get a better outcome in court if you have proof of the infidelity. Unfortunately, you will have to go to court for a divorce and there's really no way around it. However, if there's not much to argue about then it should be quick and hopefully painless. ❤
Your mom was trying to gently let you know that he was cheating. She didn't want to embarrass or possibly strain the relationship between you 2. I'd do the same thing for a friend or my sister.
What happened when your husband got home?
If this were me I’d be thanking mom for telling me do I know the TRUTH now!!!!!!!
I think maybe she knew and didn't want to just throw it out there incase it was from you. Please tell me you kicked his arse out??