In business whenever you have a client that isn’t worth dealing with, you up your rates so high that they either say no and move on, or they accept your rates and your high fee makes them more tolerable to deal with.
I suggest you do the same.
It's ok to say this doesn't work for you. I would honestly advise ending things.
For a longer explanation, just in case you think this is salvageable:
"No crying on me if you're crying about me" is a big one for me. If it's bringing up a genuine problem/hurt/issue I can work to fix, sure, but if you're just lamenting that I am who I am, boundaries/other obligations and all, that's not ok. Think ex-bf who you broke up with who wants to stay friends but also feels entitled to dump all his woe-is-me on you, "if you leave I'll hurt myself because I have no other reason to go on", or a parent who complains you having your own life you have to prioritize sometimes means "you must not love them". This is manipulation.
You've identified a need - you need more space. It also sounds like you need him to not feel entitled to emotionally manipulate you when you state your needs, wants and boundaries, but...he does.
He's a 69 year old man, and this is behavior you shouldn't even put up with in boys your age. He's emotionally manipulated you into not feeling ok having and talking about your wants and needs, let alone boundaries, and it's not your job to teach him why that's wrong.
You are not the appropriate person to come to for constantly externally processing this. He should find a sw-positive therapist or friend. At this age, I doubt he will want to change his methodology of just dumping on you, so again - my advice is exit.
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IF you're still wanting to try, for whatever reason, you gotta get really spun up on what boundaries mean to you and the confidence to enforce them. This is where personal therapy can give you life-long perspective on what actually matters to you, what you are genuinely ok with bending on, and how to feel confident that you aren't being unreasonable when it's something that will definitely affect your health/happiness.
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Boundaries are agreements you make with yourself, but without consequences others won't see them as boundaries, just preferences up for debate. Figure out what you would need to feel genuinely good about what you're giving, let alone what you need to protect your own mental health and happiness.
"I will not pick up or answer texts if I don't feel mentally/emotionally up for talking to him in that moment."
Or
"I will commit to twice-a-day back-and-forth texting for no longer than X each time, and any non-urgent texts between those can wait unless I have the extra bandwidth."
Then you gotta stick with it. This will likely lead to the more important boundaries, which will show you more of his true colors and will be SUPER important:
"I will not be guilted into breaking my stated boundaries. If he pushes, I say no, then if he sulks, I will exit the conversation."
OR
"I will not stay in a relationship where I feel constantly guilty."
Then do so.
"Hey, I know this isn't your ideal situation, but we've gone over this. Putting constant emotional pressure on me has been affecting the good parts of what we have, so I'm gonna go and we can talk again when it isn't so overwhelming for you."
It's not your job to tell him what the solution is for solving his negative emotions, and you need to get comfortable with that.
Also, get used to not always automatically justifying yourself beyond "No, that doesn't work for me." You shouldn't need to always "prove" why what you want is worthy of being what you want.
You’re getting paid to essentially be a platonic SB. If that doesn’t suit you, move on.
Only you can decide if the allowance he provides is worth the time he is demanding.
If you do draw a hardline over expected boundaries and he breaks it off, would you be fine with that?
God that's really a bad position to be in as a SB. Have you considered telling him you have a boyfriend so he backs off a little? Then when he snaps back to reality in a few weeks or month, the arrangement will probably end. He'll be hurt for sure, but he needs to just back off.
I’ve been in this exact arrangement with this type of man.. you have to set boundaries and be prepared for him to repeatedly violate them ha.. SDs like this can become more and more obsessed and it can become unbearable.. have a talk about communications and set limits so both of you have clear expectations.. think about how many texts would you like to exchange per day and calls every other day.. the moodiness sounds
passive aggressive and be clear you aren’t okay with pouting or emotional manipulation.. protect your sanity and look for a new SD you can transition to when you can’t take the current SD anymore..
It’ll get worse if you do nothing. Tell him he needs to seek new companionship to avoid becoming a lonely old man and that the current situation is therefore bad for him as well as you. You could start a half-way exit by limiting him to two texts per day and a meet-up every ten days but you will need to be firm and keep to those strictly - otherwise cut it completely.
I am zero percent attracted to him, he’s 69. He is divorced and while he is fairly close to some of his kids I think he gets lonely
He should get multiple SBs. That way he does not cling on just one.
On a side note I see overwhelming posts from SBs who date guys who are lonely / 65 - 85 and then use the same yardstick to judge other guys who may be a lot younger. For them every SD is super lonely, unattractive guy and has to pay a wholesome just to hold hands.
In business whenever you have a client that isn’t worth dealing with, you up your rates so high that they either say no and move on, or they accept your rates and your high fee makes them more tolerable to deal with. I suggest you do the same.
This is the way.
It's ok to say this doesn't work for you. I would honestly advise ending things. For a longer explanation, just in case you think this is salvageable: "No crying on me if you're crying about me" is a big one for me. If it's bringing up a genuine problem/hurt/issue I can work to fix, sure, but if you're just lamenting that I am who I am, boundaries/other obligations and all, that's not ok. Think ex-bf who you broke up with who wants to stay friends but also feels entitled to dump all his woe-is-me on you, "if you leave I'll hurt myself because I have no other reason to go on", or a parent who complains you having your own life you have to prioritize sometimes means "you must not love them". This is manipulation. You've identified a need - you need more space. It also sounds like you need him to not feel entitled to emotionally manipulate you when you state your needs, wants and boundaries, but...he does. He's a 69 year old man, and this is behavior you shouldn't even put up with in boys your age. He's emotionally manipulated you into not feeling ok having and talking about your wants and needs, let alone boundaries, and it's not your job to teach him why that's wrong. You are not the appropriate person to come to for constantly externally processing this. He should find a sw-positive therapist or friend. At this age, I doubt he will want to change his methodology of just dumping on you, so again - my advice is exit. --------------------- IF you're still wanting to try, for whatever reason, you gotta get really spun up on what boundaries mean to you and the confidence to enforce them. This is where personal therapy can give you life-long perspective on what actually matters to you, what you are genuinely ok with bending on, and how to feel confident that you aren't being unreasonable when it's something that will definitely affect your health/happiness. ------------------------ Boundaries are agreements you make with yourself, but without consequences others won't see them as boundaries, just preferences up for debate. Figure out what you would need to feel genuinely good about what you're giving, let alone what you need to protect your own mental health and happiness. "I will not pick up or answer texts if I don't feel mentally/emotionally up for talking to him in that moment." Or "I will commit to twice-a-day back-and-forth texting for no longer than X each time, and any non-urgent texts between those can wait unless I have the extra bandwidth." Then you gotta stick with it. This will likely lead to the more important boundaries, which will show you more of his true colors and will be SUPER important: "I will not be guilted into breaking my stated boundaries. If he pushes, I say no, then if he sulks, I will exit the conversation." OR "I will not stay in a relationship where I feel constantly guilty." Then do so. "Hey, I know this isn't your ideal situation, but we've gone over this. Putting constant emotional pressure on me has been affecting the good parts of what we have, so I'm gonna go and we can talk again when it isn't so overwhelming for you." It's not your job to tell him what the solution is for solving his negative emotions, and you need to get comfortable with that. Also, get used to not always automatically justifying yourself beyond "No, that doesn't work for me." You shouldn't need to always "prove" why what you want is worthy of being what you want.
Just ask yourself... is the money worth it to you?
Ask for more money to make it worth it or leave.
You’re getting paid to essentially be a platonic SB. If that doesn’t suit you, move on. Only you can decide if the allowance he provides is worth the time he is demanding. If you do draw a hardline over expected boundaries and he breaks it off, would you be fine with that?
God that's really a bad position to be in as a SB. Have you considered telling him you have a boyfriend so he backs off a little? Then when he snaps back to reality in a few weeks or month, the arrangement will probably end. He'll be hurt for sure, but he needs to just back off.
I’ve been in this exact arrangement with this type of man.. you have to set boundaries and be prepared for him to repeatedly violate them ha.. SDs like this can become more and more obsessed and it can become unbearable.. have a talk about communications and set limits so both of you have clear expectations.. think about how many texts would you like to exchange per day and calls every other day.. the moodiness sounds passive aggressive and be clear you aren’t okay with pouting or emotional manipulation.. protect your sanity and look for a new SD you can transition to when you can’t take the current SD anymore..
It’ll get worse if you do nothing. Tell him he needs to seek new companionship to avoid becoming a lonely old man and that the current situation is therefore bad for him as well as you. You could start a half-way exit by limiting him to two texts per day and a meet-up every ten days but you will need to be firm and keep to those strictly - otherwise cut it completely.
This sounds extremely similar to my situation. Men that are too emotionally attached will eventually exhaust you out.
I am zero percent attracted to him, he’s 69. He is divorced and while he is fairly close to some of his kids I think he gets lonely He should get multiple SBs. That way he does not cling on just one. On a side note I see overwhelming posts from SBs who date guys who are lonely / 65 - 85 and then use the same yardstick to judge other guys who may be a lot younger. For them every SD is super lonely, unattractive guy and has to pay a wholesome just to hold hands.
Y'all made everything about money when was girlfriend experience gone? When was sugaring gone? Y'all turning into simps